#i mean it mainly started because i was trying to mute the depressing shit i used to say | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

gaiyofanfiction · 5 years

Text

Silent Yearning

Mute!Donghyuck x New Student!Reader

Drama/Fluff

Words: 8.1k

Summery: Ever since a traumatic experience happened to Donghyuck, his depression and anxiety caused him to turn mute as a way to cope. Now, having gone from one of the most popular boys in school to the school’s freak, he cuts everyone out from his life, trying to fly under the radar. That was, until you showed up and turned his whole life around. But was it for the better?

A/N: I’m so sorry I’ve been away for so long. I’ve been going through some shit. I’ve had this idea for this fic for a very long time and finally got around to writing it. It was originally for Hyuck’s birthday but clearly that didn’t happen. So, happy belated birthday to my sun and love of my life! <3 Please enjoy!

Warnings: Bullying, horrible YangYang, mentions of mental illness and death

Disclaimer: This story is pure fiction. Any personality traits/illnesses of Donghyuck, YangYang, Xiaojun and Hendery are made up by me. They in no way reflect the real personalities of these amazing boys.

(Also, Stan NCT ot21 for good grades and clear skin)

~~~

The darkness surrounds him, consuming his entire being. He can't see, can't hear, can't speak.

‘What's going on?! Why can't I see anything?! Why can't I breathe?!’

He clutches his chest, nothing but pain engulfing his lungs. Suddenly there was a burst of light behind him. He spins around to see crushed metal that had burst into flames. Tears form in his eyes, inhaling nothing but smoke as he cries out.

“Mom! Dad!”

“Mr. Lee!”

Donghyuck jolts awake, breathing heavily and sweat beading down his flustered face. He looks around the room, realizing he had fallen asleep in class. He looks up at the teacher, who was hovering over him, shaking her head in disappointment.

“Please at least try to pay attention, Mr. Lee.”

The teacher sighs and walks back to the front of the classroom. Donghyuck hears laughter and looks to his right to see YangYang and his goons with smirks on their faces. Donghyuck rolls his eyes and turns his attention back to the front, his chin resting on his arms. She resumes her lessons but after a few minutes, there's a knock on the door.

The classroom door opens to reveal the school's principal. He bows his head and smiles. “Class, I'd like to introduce a new student that will be joining us for the remainder of the year.”

You stepped into the classroom, your face flushed from being the center of attention. As soon as Donghyuck sees you, his eyes widen and his breath hitches. He's never seen someone so beautiful in his life. ‘She's never going to notice someone like me. Let alone, me.’ However, when the teacher tells you to introduce yourself, Donghyuck pays close attention.

You bow your head to the class. “H-Hello. My name is Y/N. I moved to Seoul from [hometown], so my Korean is a little rusty.” You giggle shyly. “Um, I don't do a lot. I mainly like to read and write. Please take care of me.” You bow your head once more.

The teacher claps and smiles. “How wonderful. Let's see, you can take a seat next to Donghyuck in the back.” She points to the seat on the left side of him, making him slightly panic on the inside.

You smile at the teacher and make your way to the back of the classroom. You take your seat and turn your head to look at the boy next to you.

“Hi, I'm Y/N. You're Donghyuck? It's nice to meet you.” He swallows the lump in his throat but doesn't glance your direction. Your smiles fades into a frown at his rejection. “I-I'm sorry.” You mutter under your breath, turning your attention back to the front. Donghyuck's stomach drops, feeling awful for ignoring your friendliness. ‘It's better this way. She can't be seen with me on her first day.’

The teacher continues her lesson but once again gets cut off by the phone ringing. She answers before nodding and hanging up. “Class, I will be right back, I have a matter I need to attend to. Behave yourselves until I return.” She gives a pointed look at YangYang and Donghyuck before leaving the room and shutting the door.

As soon as the door closes, the class erupts into conversation. You stay quiet, just doodling in your notebook until you feel a presence around your desk. You look up to see three boys, all with grins on their faces.

“Hi there.” You raise a brow at the one talking, who seems to be the ringleader. You already get a bad feeling from these three. “I'm YangYang, this is Xiaojun and Hendery. Welcome to SM high.”

You give the boys a cautious smile. “H-Hi. I'm Y/N.”

“I see you've met little Hyuck here.” Xiaojun gestures to the quiet, observing boy. “You won't get much out of him. He's a mute.”

You turn your attention to the boy next to you. “You're mute, Donghyuck?” A smile grows on your face and you clap excitedly, which confused the boy. “I'm sorry, I don't mean to seem rude. I just thought you didn't like me. But you just can't say anything.” You giggle quietly, the pleasant sound making Donghyuck's heart flutter.

YangYang clears his throat. “We would like to extend the offer of helping you integrate into this school. There is a hierarchy, if I must say. You're cute and have a lot of potential. I would be happy to help you figure out who you should,” he points to himself, “and shouldn't be seen with.” He finishes, sending Donghyuck a look of disgust.

You see the interaction between the two boys, YangYang's little smirk and Donghyuck's sad, but frustrated look, not meeting your eyes. You turn your attention on YangYang and his goons.

“I think I can decide whom I'd like to associate myself with on my own, thanks.” You deadpan, an annoyed expression flashing through your face.

YangYang's smirk turns into a scowl. “Fine, have it your way. You just signed your way to the bottom of the food chain with this freak.” He points his thumb at Donghyuck and turns away, sauntering back to his desk. You roll your eyes and turn to the mute boy next to you. His eyes shift between you and the notebook on his desk. You open your mouth to say something but were cut off by the bell.

The teacher walks back in at the same time the bell rings. “Alright class, tomorrow we will be discussing the next chapter. Make sure to read the homework!” She yells over the hustling of the students trying to leave.

You see Donghyuck pack up his things and book it out of the classroom. “Donghyuck, wait!” You put your notebook away as fast as you can before running after him.

You catch up and start walking beside him. He side eyes you with a confused look. You tilt your head. “What?”

He takes out his phone and starts typing something. He turns to show you.

Why are you walking with me?

You read the words before giving the boy a smile. “Because I want to be friends, silly.”

He looks taken aback before he scowls. He types something else and turns to show you.

You shouldn't. You'll learn that I'm not someone you'll want to be seen with.

With that, the boy pulls his backpack tighter against himself and hurries away, leaving you sad and confused.

~~~

You walk through the cafeteria, looking for a place to sit. Being the new kid, you didn't exactly have a friend group to hang around with. The only person you've talked to so far was Donghyuck and YangYang, and you'll be damned if you ever decide to sit next to YangYang.

Out of the corner of your eye, you spot Donghyuck sitting alone. A smile plays at the corner of your lips. You make your way over to the boy and sit down across from him. Donghyuck looks up from his lunch and freezes when he sees you. He raises an eyebrow in wonderment. You look at him, tilting your head.

“What?”

He takes out his phone to type something, showing you when he's done.

Why are you sitting here?

You shrug. “I told you before, I want to be friends.”

He rolls his eyes.

But why me?

“Because I like you and want to get to know you.”

Donghyuck's cheeks turn pink, turning his face down at his tray so you don't see. You let out a little giggle before turning back to your food. The two of you sat in comfortable silence, just enjoying your lunch and his company.

“Why is she sitting with him?”

“Doesn't she know he's a mute?”

“She just signed her death warrant, sitting with that freak.”

Donghyuck hears the whispers around him from his classmates. He glances at you, knowing you must have heard them and you must have changed your mind about wanting to be friends. However, when he sees you happily munching away at your lunch and not paying any mind, he's come to the conclusion that you either don't hear them or don't care.

“Hey, Hyuck.” He snaps out of his daze to look at you. You hold out your hand. “Gimmie your phone.”

He raises an eyebrow curiously, tilting his head. You roll your eyes. “Please?”

Donghyuck cautiously hands you his phone, which you happily take. You open it and go to his contacts. You type in your number and then take a cute selfie to put as your contact picture. After sending a text to your phone, so you can have his number, you hand back his phone. His mouth drops open in slight shock at your forwardness. He never expected you to want his number.

You hold up your own phone and point the camera at him. “Say cheese,” you snap a photo. You look at it fondly, a cute surprised expression on his face. Giggling at the cute picture, you put your phone away. “Now you have my number and I have yours!”

Donghyuck stares at you in awe. He's never had someone go to these lengths to genuinely get to know him. Not since…

A bell rings, snapping Donghyuck out of his thoughts, signaling the end of lunch. You swallow the last bit of food before cleaning up. “What's your next class?”

Donghyuck pulls out his class schedule, handing it to you. You scan the sheet of paper and notice you have three classes together after the lunch bell. You smile happily, handing back the paper.

“Oh! I have the same class as you. We can walk together!” Donghyuck raises a brow, looking at you with a weird look at your enthusiasm. You tilt your head, “what?”

Donghyuck rolls his eyes and picks up his pace, walking in front of you, a smile playing at his lips.

~~~

The rest of the day went fairly smooth. You had two more classes with Donghyuck, but he usually did his best to ignore you or push you away. Although, he seems to try less and less, making you hopeful he will accept your friendship.

By the time you got home, you were exhausted from your first day. You said hi to your parents and collapsed onto your bed. After a few seconds, you pull out your phone and pull up Donghyuck's contact. You click on his picture, blushing and giggling at his cute surprised expression. He really was a beautiful human being. You built up the courage to text him, hoping he will respond.

Y/N: Hey Hyuckie! I hope you got home okay ^^

Donghyuck laid in his bed, thinking about everything that happened today. He never expected to have met a girl, especially one so forward as you. Just then his phone buzzes, signaling an incoming message. He picks up his phone to see the cute picture of you had popped up, the message being from you. A smile graces his lips at your picture. It takes a moment for him to build up the courage to reply but he does shortly after.

Hyuck: I did. Thanks for asking.

Y/N: That’s good! Hey, I’m sorry for being so straightforward at school today. You just seem really cool and I wanted to get to know you…

Donghyuck bites his lip, a feeling of guilt washing over him. He didn’t mean to make you feel bad for trying to befriend him. In all honesty, a little crush had developed inside of him for you. But he knew he couldn’t act on it, he couldn’t let you go through the teasing and bullying just for being associated with him. He had to protect you.

Hyuck: It’s okay. Just not used to it. I should really be getting to sleep. Have a good night, Y/N. <3

‘Crap!’ He didn’t mean to accidentally press the heart emoji. He tried to stop the sending of the text but it was already too late, it had gone through. He internally panics for a good 5 seconds before his phone dings again, your cute picture popping up.

Y/N: Oh, that’s okay! I probably should be too. Please sleep well. See you tomorrow, Hyuckie! <3

His heart flutters as soon as he reads your message. Not only did you call him Hyuckie, you also but a heart emoji at the end of the message. Turning his phone face down next to him, he sighs. At this rate, his crush on you will turn into something bigger, especially if you continue to talk to him like that. Donghyuck turns onto his side, facing the wall. He closes his eyes and drifts off to sleep, thoughts of the new, cute and straightforward girl in his class invading his dreams.

~~~

The next day, you arrive at school, excited to see Donghyuck. You make your way to the classroom and see Donghyuck sitting in his seat. You wave excitedly, causing a small smile to play at his lips. You take your seat next to him.

“Hey Hyuckie, how are you this morning?” He shrugs, indicating he was doing alright. You smile and giggle.

“Oh! I have something for you!”

Donghyuck watches as your dig through your backpack and pull out a small whiteboard. You hand it to him, a big smile on your face. He tilts his head in confusion at the gift.

“It's a dry erase board. I thought it would help you communicate easier than to constantly pull out your phone.” You send him a proud smile.

He looks down at the whiteboard, a new feeling engulfing him. He looks up to see your sparkling smile, making him smile back. He writes something on the board and turns it around.

Thank you, Y/N.

You giggle and give him a big smile. “Of course, Hyuckie. I'm glad you like it.”

You suddenly feel a presence in front of you. You glance over to see YangYang, Xiaojun and Hendery facing you. The smile on your face turns to one of annoyance.

“Can I help you?”

YangYang grins, “no, I'm okay, thanks for asking.” You roll your eyes at his mocking response. “We were just wondering, have you gotten sick of this little mute here yet?”

You raise a brow, “no, but I've gotten sick of you.”

YangYang scowls, suddenly gripping your arm harshly. “What did you say to me?”

You whimper at his tight hold and try to pull away. Donghyuck's eyes grow wide, concern eating at him. He opens his mouth to say something but nothing comes out. He slowly closes his mouth and stares at YangYang's hand gripping your arm with a pained look on his face.

“Hey, let her go.”

You look up at the new voice. You see an attractive boy your age with pink hair. Xiaojun snickers. “Says who?”

“Says us.” Another boy with light brown hair steps next to him. “Or have you three stooped to a new low harassing innocent girls?”

The three bullies scowl but listen. YangYang releases your arm and gives you a look. “You're on my radar now, new kid. Watch your back.” They retreat back to their desks.

You breathe a sigh of relief. “Um. Thank you…”

“I'm Jaemin and this is Jeno.” The boy with light brown hair gestures to himself and then the boy next to him.

You look at Donghyuck with a brow raised in question. He writes something on his board and shows it to you.

They're harmless.

Jeno glances at the board and chuckles. “Well, thanks Hyuck. Nice to know you think we're harmless.” Donghyuck rolls his eyes. The two boys take the seats near the two of you, Jeno in front of you and Jaemin in front of Donghyuck.

“I'm Y/N,” you smile at them. “You two are in this class? I don't remember seeing you yesterday.”

“Oh yeah, that's because we ditched.” Jaemin waves a dismissive hand. “Us and a few of our other friends.”

“Right,” you nod slowly.

Jaemin turns to Donghyuck. “Hey, Hyuck. How are you doing?”

You watch Jaemin carefully. After how YangYang was with him, you worry for another person to be sarcastic. But the way Jaemin looks at him, you can tell he was genuinely worried.

Donghyuck writes quickly on his board and turns it around.

Fine.

Jaemin glances at Jeno who also had a worried look on his face. Jeno gestures at Donghyuck's whiteboard. “I love the board. Is it new?”

Y/N got it for me.

“Awe! That's so sweet.” Jaemin coos, a sparkle in his eye. You giggle and smile at Donghyuck, making his heart flutter.

“So, Y/N. What are your classes for the rest of the day?”

You pull out your class schedule to show the two boys. Jeno snatches it out of your hands and scans it over. “Oh cool, we have a few classes together and lunch period. You'll get to meet the rest of the crew!”

Donghyuck watches the interactions between you, Jaemin and Jeno. A jealous feeling overwhelms him. His hand tightens into a fist. ‘Of course she'd like them. Why would anyone choose me over two of the most popular guys in the school?’

The three of you chatted with Donghyuck occasionally writing on his board, until the teacher walks in to start class. All during the lesson, Donghyuck kept stealing glances in your direction. Every time you caught him staring at you, you would make a silly face, causing him to chuckle silently. Seeing him smile more often made your heart swell in happiness. You were starting to fall for the silent boy and you weren't sure what to do.

~~~

Finally it was lunch time, your stomach growling, telling you to eat something. You walk into the lunch room and search for Donghyuck, but he is nowhere to be found. Your shoulders slump in disappointment in not finding your boy of interest. You stand there awkwardly, not knowing where to sit. You didn't really have any friends besides Donghyuck. You see an empty table and start to make your way towards it, but not before you hear someone calling your name.

“Y/N, over here!”

You look around to see Jeno and Jaemin waving at you. You smile and make your way to the table occupied by Jeno, Jaemin and four other unfamiliar boys. You take a seat between Jeno and a boy with green hair.

“Everyone, this is Y/N. She's the new girl in the school. Y/N, meet the crew.” Jeno starts pointing at each boy, introducing them to you. “You already know Jaemin. The one with green hair is Chenle, he's a year younger than us. The one with blonde hair is Renjun, he's in our grade. The orange haired giant is Jisung, he's two years younger than us. And that one is Mark, who's a year older.” Jeno finishes up with pointing to a black haired individual.

You furrow your brows. “You're a year older? How are you still in high school?”

“Well, last year he had gotten into a huge fight with Xiaojun and Hendery, resulting in all three being suspended. So they missed quite a lot of class and had to take the year over,” Renjun explains. “Have you met those two yet?”

You roll your eyes. “You mean YangYang's pathetic lackey's? Yeah, I've met them.”

Chenle pats your back with a smirk. “I like her already.” Everyone at the table laughs.

“So, Y/N. How are you liking SM high so far?” Jisung takes a bite of his food, chewing slowly.

“It's okay. The classes are fine. I haven't really gotten a chance to make friends, though. Everyone seems to be avoiding me.” You shrug.

“Y/N here has befriended our little Donghyuck.” Jeno nudges you with his shoulder.

Mark raises a brow. “Really? Well, that explains why. No one really talks to him or anything, so if you associate yourself with him, then you're going to be ostracized.”

“That shit doesn't bother me. People can think what they want about me, that's their problem.” You wave a dismissive hand. “But, if I may ask, why is he a mute? Was be born like that or did something happen?”

The six boys glance at each other with odd looks. You raise a brow in question. Then, Mark speaks up. “No, he wasn't always like that. It's because of something that happened to him about a year ago.”

“Hyuck and his parents were on their way home from a music competition. He was a pianist and vocalist, actually, and he was really good at it. Well, they were almost home, still happy about him winning first place…” Renjun trails off.

Jisung speaks up, his voice soft. “An SUV ran a red light as they were driving and T-boned them. Hyuck survived but his parents… They didn't.”

Your hand flies to your mouth in shock. Jaemin takes over with a sad smile. “He has never been the same since. It was devastating. He stopped singing, stop talking in general. He used to be part of our group but after it happened, he stopped hanging out with us. Eventually everyone started avoiding him and eventually making fun of him. Even though most people know about what happened, they still treat him like he's a hindrance to society. They don't care. They only see someone who's different and automatically becomes a target.”

You stay quiet for a moment, absorbing everything the boys explained to you. You shake your head, trying to hold back your tears. “Humans are so cruel to each other. Fuck, no wonder he's tried to push me away. He probably thinks I'll become like the rest of them.” The boys remain silent. Your voice becomes a whisper. “But I like him. A lot. I am maybe thinking about asking him out?”

All six boys’ eyes dart to you in shock. They weren't expecting you to say that. You fiddle with your fingers awkwardly. “D-Do you think he'd say yes?”

“Yes!” They all blurt out at once, surprising you.

“You should. You should do it. Please.” Mark practically begs. “He needs someone who he can open up to and maybe he'll start talking again and eventually become his old self.”

“I-I can try,” you stutter blushing. You'd love for Donghyuck to open up to you, to trust you with everything. You just weren't sure how long it would take to happen, if ever.

You hear the door to the cafeteria open, breaking you out of your thoughts. You see Donghyuck walk in, a pile of papers in his hands. Smiling, you stand up and wave to him. A smile tugs at his lips when he sees you, but it fades noticing with whom you were sitting. He cautiously walks over your direction.

Suddenly, a foot pops in his way, causing him to trip. He falls face flat, his papers scattering everywhere. You gasp and hurry over to him.

“Donghyuck, are you okay?!”

He ignores your words and hurries to pick up his papers with you helping him. You notice the papers he dropped were in fact sheet music. Before you can ask about them, you hear laughter from the tables around you and then a low voice.

“Doesn't seem like little Hyuck here knows how to walk properly. Guess that comes with the title of being a freak.”

You grind your teeth in irritation. Standing up, you face the person with the irritating voice. It was Hendery, who had a cocky smirk plastered on his face.

“What the fuck is your problem?” You speak through your teeth.

Hendery raises a brow. “Excuse me?”

“You fucking heard me. I said, what the fuck is your problem?” You growl.

“I don't have a fucking problem, little girl. But you seem to.” Hendery takes a step forward, smirking at you.

“Back the fuck off, prick. He hasn't done anything to you.” You raise your hands and shove him back. He stumbles backwards, not expecting you to become physical.

The six boys that were watching drop their jaws in shock. They never would expect you to be this straight forward. “Oh, I like her,” Renjun nods in approval.

Hendery's smirk turns into a scowl. He straightens himself up and takes two steps, suddenly right in your face. You raise a hand to push him again but he snatches it before you can. “Oh, little girl. You're going to regret that.”

Once the boy put his hands on you, Mark and Jisung were next to you faster than you thought possible. Mark pries Hendery's hand off of you and pushes you behind him.

“Don't fucking touch her.” Mark crosses his arms, Jisung following suit.

“Oh look, it's Mark and little Jisungie. How sweet, saving the new girl.” Hendery weighs his options and realizes he wouldn't win in a fight two against one. He turns his scowl back onto you. “Next time you start something, you better finish it yourself.” He sends one more glare to Jisung and Mark before exiting the cafeteria in a huff.

Your eyes burn into his back as you watch him leave. You then turn your attention back onto the mute boy. “Are you okay, Hyuck? He didn't hurt you, did he?” You help him up by his arm.

Donghyuck looks around the cafeteria. Everyone was watching closely, their judgmental eyes boring into him. His anxiety spikes, making him react immediately. He rips his arm away from you, causing you to look at him with concerned eyes. He writes on his board.

Why the hell did you do that?

You furrow your brows. “I was just concerned and wanted to help.”

Just stop. I don't need your help. I don't need your pity.

“I-I'm not pitying you.” You speak in a quiet voice.

I was fine before you showed up. You're making everything worse. Just leave me alone!

You swallow the lump in your throat, trying to hold back your tears. “I'm sorry,” you squeak out in a quiet voice before booking it out of the cafeteria.

Jisung gives Donghyuck a disappointed look before running after you to make sure you're okay. Mark turns to Donghyuck with an incredulous look.

“What the hell was that for?”

Donghyuck ignores Mark and walks out of the cafeteria. Mark growls and follows him. He grabs Donghyuck by the shoulder and turns him around, but there were already words on his board.

Leave me alone, Mark.

“Like hell I will. Why the fuck did you say that to her? She didn't do anything wrong.”

I don't need her pity friendship. I'm not a charity case.

“But that's not what she was doing! She actually cares about you and wanted to help!”

How the hell would you know that?

Mark throws up his hands in frustration. “Because she told me. She told all of us.”

Donghyuck glares.

I don't believe you. You're just trying to humiliate me.

“Donghyuck, Stop! I'm not trying to do anything! Whether you believe it or not, I'm still your friend! We are ALL still your friends, no matter how hard you push us away!” Mark stops Donghyuck from writing, now fully angry. “I understand what you went through was awful. It was fucking god awful and I couldn't even imagine how you feel. But that is never an excuse to block every person who tries to get close to you! Not everyone is out to hurt you!”

Donghyuck grinds his teeth together in irritation but remains still. Mark puts his hands on both of Donghyuck's shoulders and shakes him. “Wake the fuck up, Hyuck. You have a girl who is cute, sweet, confident, and willing to get her ass beat just to be close to you! She really fucking likes you, Hyuck.”

Donghyuck's eyes widen at Marks words. He quickly writes something on his board.

She likes me?

Mark chuckles dryly. “Yeah, she does. She asked us if she should ask you out, if you'd say yes if she did. We told her she should.”

She was going to ask me out? Why me?

“Because you're an amazing person, Hyuck. Anyone would be lucky to have you and clearly she knows that.”

Donghyuck takes it all in, imagining a world where you were his girlfriend. A smile slips onto his lips at the thought but slowly slips away once he remembers what he said to you. The image of your smile fading and the confidence in your voice gone after what he said ate at him. He had to fix this. Knowing he had his next class with you caused him to make a beeline for the classroom, leaving Mark standing there confused.

He bursts into the classroom, hoping to god you were already there. To his disappointment, he beat you to it. Sitting at his desk, he prepared a little note to show you as soon as you had reached the class. However, as time went on, there was no sign of you. Worry started to eat at Donghyuck. This was writing, your favorite course. There was no way you'd miss it.

There was only 20 minutes left of the class and still no sign of you. Donghyuck's anxiety rose the longer he sat knowing he'd had hurt you. Not being able to sit still any longer, he grabbed his stuff and booked it out of the room to search for you, ignoring the protests of the teacher.

Donghyuck walked through the halls, searching high and low for you. He had no idea where he should be looking but that didn't stop him from checking every possible room in the school. His heart grew heavy as he was about to give up after about 10 minutes of searching. That's when he heard something.

It was a voice. Not just any voice, but a very familiar one, that was accompanied by a piano playing. Donghyuck followed the faint voice to a practice room in the music wing of the school. In stealth mode, the boy peaked through the window to see you at the piano. Your fingers danced upon the keys, your beautiful voice flowing from your lips. He was in awe at your talent, never once thinking you'd be into singing. At that moment, Donghyuck had fully and completely fallen head over heels for you, making him all that much more determined to fix what he had broken.

Gathering up the courage, Donghyuck knocks softly on the door, causing you to stop abruptly. You turn to see the boy waving sheepishly through the window, your eyebrows furrowed in confusion. Opening the door, you raise a brow.

"Oh, Donghyuck. Hi."

He waves gently, his shyness taking over. He takes a step inside and closes the door behind him.

"What are you doing here? How did you find me?"

Donghyuck writes on his board and turns to show you.

I came to apologize. I heard your voice.

Your face pales. "Y-You heard me? I thought these rooms were soundproof." Your voice comes out quiet. "That's really embarrassing, oh my god."

Donghyuck's eyes widen. He shakes his head and waves his hands, indicating you misunderstood. He erases the writing before and replaces it.

No! I didn't mean anything bad. You sound amazing. Your voice is incredible!

A blush settles across your cheeks. "O-Oh, thank you."

I'm so sorry about what I said. I didn't mean it.

You read the words on his board and shake your head. "N-no, don't apologize. You have every right to feel that way." Your voice is quiet. "Just know I don't bug you because I pity you. I like you."

Donghyuck's face turns bright red at your words. He erases the words on his board quickly before writing again with a shaky hand.

I like you too. A lot.

Now it was your turn to blush. To Donghyuck's surprise, you grab his white board and wrote on it. He watches you curiously. You turn the board around to reveal the words you wrote.

Will you go out with me?🖤

Donghyuck's eyes widen once he reads the words, a smile brightening up his face. He suddenly grabs your hands and pulls you close to him. He laces his fingers with yours and nods, forming the word 'Yes' with his lips. You squeal and give him a quick peck on the cheek, causing his face to burn bright red.

The bell rings, signaling the end of the period. You smile at Donghyuck and grab your book bag, pulling him out of the practice room by the hand. The two of you walk through the halls to your next class, hand in hand. It doesn't take long for the students in the halls to notice this act of affection, causing everyone to stop and whisper. Donghyuck blushes, his anxiety rising, not liking the new attention on him. He looks at you out of the corner of his eyes, trying to gauge your reaction but you had nothing except a smile upon your beautiful face. He swallowed the lump in his throat and tightened his grip on your hand. If you weren't scared of the newfound attention, then neither would he be.

Unbeknownst to you, Yangyang watches closely from his locker, a scowl dripping from his features. He didn't like seeing Donghyuck gaining this sudden confidence, worried he'll once again raise up. He had to do something about it if he wanted to stay on top. And quick.

~~~

It's been two weeks since you and Donghyuck had made your relationship official. During those weeks, you could see a big difference between when you first met Donghyuck to now. While he remains mute and intimidated easily, his smile is a lot more common than not and he no longer hesitates to sit with his old group of friends. The rest of the boys were incredibly happy to see him be more sociable, especially Mark, thanking you regularly because of it. You still had issues with the rest of the student body, particularly YangYang, Xiaojun and Hendery. But having Donghyuck, Mark and the rest of the boys, you can't complain.

Today was Sunday and you had been invited over for dinner at Donghuck's house. He told you after the accident, his aunt had taken him in as her own son. Now you were laying on Donghyuck's bed next to him, feeling full after the nice dinner his aunt made you. You turn on your side to face Donghyuck, who was staring at the ceiling.

"Your aunt is really nice, Hyuck. I hope she likes me." You twiddle your fingers in nervousness.

Donghyuck smiles and grabs his white board.

Of course she does. Who wouldn't like you?

You chuckle. "Apparently everyone at school."

Donghyuck rolls his eyes.

Those idiots wouldn't know anything good if it smacked them in the face.

You laugh, smacking him in the shoulder. He grins at you, the sound of your laughter filling his ears like a melody. The two if you stare at each other in comfortable silence for a few minutes, just enjoying each other's company. Getting bold, you shift your body so you were hovering over him. Donghyuck's face turns bright red at your current positioning. You lift your hand up, gently caressing his face.

"Hyuck? Can I kiss you?" You tilt your head.

The boy swallows the lump in his throat and nods quickly. You lean down and close your eyes, your lips connecting with his. Donghyuck freezes for a moment, nerves still taking over his body. But after a few seconds, his eyes flutter closed and he finally starts kissing back.

As your lips move against his, your feelings for him grow. His soft, plush lips feel amazing against yours, a perfect fit. As you continue to kiss him, he grows bolder. His arms snake around your waist and pull you down directly on top of him. He pushes into the kiss, causing it to deepen and turn passionate.

Donghyuck uses his strength and gently flips you over, with a squeak from you. He is now on top of you without breaking the kiss. His hand snakes its way up to your cheek and cups it. After about another minute of making out, he pulls away, lips slightly swollen and breathing heavy.

Your face mirror's his and you smile. "Wow. That was bold of you."

The boy smiles cheekily and gives you another peck on the lips before flopping next to you. You sit up and stretch your arms and legs.

"I'm going to run to the bathroom really fast."

Donghyuck nods and you make your way out of his room and towards the bathroom.

"Oh, Y/N!"

You turn around to see Donghyuck's aunt smiling from her bedroom door. You smile and bow your head in respect.

"Mrs. Lee. Once again, thank you for inviting me over. The dinner was lovely."

Mrs. Lee nods her head with a smile. "Absolutely. When Donghyuck told me he had a girlfriend, I was surprised. It's been awhile since he had anyone over…" she trails off. Suddenly, she pulls you into a tight hug, surprising you. "Thank you, Y/N. Because of you, Donghyuck is smiling again. I've been so worried about him since the accident. He's becoming himself once again, even if he's still not speaking. I'll take a smile any day."

You pat the woman on the back, a sad smile on your face. "He's an amazing boy. He deserves nothing but happiness. And I'm hoping to help him achieve it."

She pulls away and cups your cheek in her hand with a smile. "So, when's the wedding?" She wiggles her eyebrows.

You cough dramatically, choking on air. She laughs and pats you on the shoulder. "I'm only joking. Not that I would mind." She waves to you and retreats back into her room.

You giggle to yourself, your cheeks flushed red. You shake the images of you and Donghyuck getting married out of your head, proceeding to use the bathroom like you originally intended.

~~~

"Okay, why don't we add this here…" You stick your tongue out the side of your mouth in concentration.

You and Donghyuck were sitting in the empty music room, trying to compose your song together. Turns out, the music he was carrying in the cafeteria was a new piece he was writing. He wanted to ask you to help him before he was rudly interrupted by Hendery. But now here you were, writing together as he had finally asked you.

Donghyuck nods and plays the new melody on the piano, smiling when the music hits his ears. He gives you a happy thumbs up, happy with the addition. You start to talk but Donghyuck holds up a finger to stop you. You tilt your head as he writes on his board. He holds it up and you laugh.

Hold on, I need to go to the bathroom.

He leans down to place a soft kiss on your lips before happily walking out of the room. Your cheeks blush, a small giggle slipping from your lips. You go back to playing on the piano, waiting for your boyfriend to come back. A minute later, you hear the door open and close behind you.

"Boy, that was fast-" once you turn around, your words stop and your eyes narrow. "The hell do you want?"

YangYang smirks, his head tilted to the side. "What, I can't say hi to my favorite new girl?"

You roll your eyes. "Favorite, my ass. You always want something. Spit it out."

YangYang's smirk turns into a menacing look. He walks closer to you, causing you to slide further away on the piano bench. "I want to know why! Why did you choose that.. that FREAK over me?!"

You look taken aback at his question, a glare setting over your face. "What is it to you? Why the hell do you care who I date?"

Just then you hear the closing of a door. The 4 of you turn to see Donghyuck, who was frozen in place from seeing YangYang, Xiaojun and Hendery in the room. YangYang smirks slightly, turning back to you.

"What is it to me? The new girl turned me down for him!" YangYang points an accusing finger at a frozen Donghyuck. "Me! The most popular guy in the school for the school's freak!"

You stand, holding your hands up in front of you. "You're fucking crazy! You don't even like me! Why would you even bother wanting me?"

YangYang pulls at his hair. "Because of him!" He points at Donghyuck once again. "He used to be the popular one! Everyone loved him, he got all the girls! And the one girl in this entire school that I liked, he took her! She wanted him, not me!" YangYang growls. "I wanted to be the popular one. I wanted everyone to like me more. I wanted her to like me! And when this freak just stopped talking a year ago, I was finally able to climb up to the top, where I belong!" He turns an accused finger to you. "And then you showed up. That's when everything started going downhill for me!"

Your eyes widen, anger set in them. You take a wide arch around YangYang to get to Donghyuck. "You're a jealous psycho!"

"I was going to take you from him. Like he took her from me!" Before you could make it to Donghyuck, YangYang grabs your wrist and pulls you to him. "You fucking embarrassed me!" You attempt to pull away from the boy but his grip tightens, causing you to whimper. "You owe me!"

"Get the fuck off of me!" You kick him in the shin and he groans but doesn't let go. You look over at Donghyuck who looks at YangYang's hand gripping your wrist. His eyes are wide, terrified of you getting hurt.

Xiaojun snickers, "Hyuck, you're just going to let YangYang do that to your girl? You're not going to say anything?" Donghyuck swallows, his jaw trembling but stays quiet. Xiaojun laughs louder. "Wow, how pathetic. Boyfriend of the year, right here."

You pull at YangYang again but he still doesn't let go. You glare at Xiaojun. "I don't need him to help me, I can handle myself. He's fine the way he is." You shift your eyes to Donghyuck and give him a small smile, reassuring him you're okay.

YangYang recovers from the shin kick, his icy glare turns menacing. He takes your other wrist and slams you up against the wall of the music room. You yelp in pain as your head hits the wall hard. "How dare you kick me!" He slams you again. "I told you you were on my radar, new girl. Now you're going to get it!" He slams you again and again, tears coming to your eyes.

"S-STOP!"

A new voice comes into the mix. Everyone stops what their doing and turns to the only other person in the room. Donghyuck.

YangYang turns to face him, a brow raised. "What? Did you say something?"

Donghyuck's fists clench, his eyes angry. He takes a step towards YangYang and opens his mouth. "I s-said stop."

Your eyes are wide, tears now flowing from hearing Donghyuck talk. YangYang raises a brow and busts out laughing. "So, the mute freak decided to finally open his mouth. What are you going to do if I don't?"

YangYang leans in close to you, his lips almost touching yours. But before he could, Donghyuck rips him away, a fist flying at his face. Donghyuck's fist makes contact with YangYang's face, sending him staggering backwards.

"Get the hell away from my girlfriend." Donghyuck breathes out, his fists clenched with a glare and standing in front of you.

YangYang shrieks, blood dripping down his cheek, his under eye already bruising. He straightens himself up, a psychotic, angry look on his face. "Oh, you are going to fucking pay for that, you little freak!"

You step around next to Donghyuck, your eyes icy. "If you so much as lay a fucking finger on him, I will tell the principal that you assaulted me first."

YangYang looks between the two of you, both mirroring each other's expressions towards him. Hendery places a hand on YangYang's shoulder. "Dude, let's just get out of here. We can't afford to get into any more trouble."

YangYang growls but nods. "This won't be the last time you hear from me. Trust me." A scowl spreads across his face. "We have the rest of the school year to settle this."

Donghyuck grinds his teeth. "It won't be as easy for you now."

YangYang huffs and wipes the blood from his cheek. He flips the two of you the finger before stomping off with Xiaojun and Hendery in tow. As soon as the door closes shut, Donghyuck sighs in relief. He turns to you.

"Y/N, are you ok- hey, why are you crying?"

He furrows his brows at the sight of tears in your eyes. Donghyuck reaches up to cup your face, gently brushing the tears from your cheeks with his thumbs. "Are you okay? Did he hurt you bad?"

You shake your head, your lip quivering. "Y-You talked. You're talking to me. Right now." You smile, placing your hands on top of his.

Donghyuck's cheeks turn bright pink in embarrassment. He chuckles awkwardly. "Y-Yeah, I did." His face falls. "Y/N, I'm so sorry I haven't been standing up for you. All this time, I've let YangYang and his goons bully you, not saying anything. And all you've done is stand by my side and defend me with everything." He shakes his head, looking directly into your misty eyes. "But no more. From now on, I will defend you and stand by you no matter what. It's my turn to protect you."

Your lip quivers with every word, pulling him into a tight hug after his speech. Donghyuck wraps his arms tightly around you, burying his nose into your neck. "Hyuckie, that never bothered me. It didn't bother me when you were silent. I love you for how you are currently, not what you could become."

Donghyuck pulls away, a light smile on his lips, a mischievous gleam in his eye. "Did you just say you love me?"

You squeak, your eyes widening as you realize your choice of words. Before you could respond, Donghyuck leans forward and captures your lips in his. You instantly melt into his body, kissing him back. The two of you stay like that for a while before you hear the door to the music room open and a flood of voices, making the two of you jump back.

"PDA isn't allowed in the school, you two hooligans!" Jaemin mocks, wiggling his eyebrows.

"Ya, get a room you two!" Chenle groans disgusted.

Donghyuck winks at you before speaking. "Well, we were in a room until you six barged in."

"Yeah, well, we-" Chenle stops abruptly after realizing who actually spoke to them.

The six boy's mouth hang open in shock, making you and Donghyuck giggle. Donghyuck smiles at the six boys. "You, what? Cat got your tongue?"

Suddenly, all the boys start shouting and running towards Donghyuck. You side step out of the way as 5 of the 6 boys tackle the once silent boy. Mark steps next to you, his voice low.

"Hey."

You turn to look at him with a smile, seeing tears in his eyes. He pulls you into a tight hug, his body shaking slightly. "Thank you. You don't know what it means to us that Hyuck is talking again." He pulls away with a small smile. "I don't know how you did it, but thank you."

You giggle and pat the boys shoulder. "I know how much he means to you boys. Thank you for sticking by him throughout this whole ordeal." You turn to watch your boyfriend, who's smiling and laughing with the group of rowdy boys. "He really means the world to me too."

Donghyuck smiles at his friends. "You guys should be thanking Y/N. She really helped me break down my walls."

Chenle turns to you, tears in his eyes and surprise attacks you with a hug. "Thank you so much, Y/N! You're an angel!"

The rest of the boys respond in a similar way, all bringing you into a giant group hug. You giggle and hug them back. Jaemin claps his hands after pulling away.

"Alright, let's celebrate! Ice Cream on Mark!"

"What?! No-" Everyone cheers over Mark's protests, immediately pulling each other to leave the room. Mark groans and follows them out.

You turn to Donghyuck and smile. "I would love to hear you sing, as a way to celebrate."

Donghyuck's smile falters, the old, anxious look he had when your first met returning. You chuckle softly and pecked him on the cheek. "Whenever you're ready, baby. Don't rush yourself."

Donghyuck sighs in relief and kisses your nose. He grabs your hand and pulls you along after the boys. "Come on, let's go get ice cream." You smile as he pulls you along, this moment giving you nothing but pure happiness.

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delicioussshame · 4 years

Text

Part Five of the Moshen Thing.

Shen Qingqiu waits to be announced before he enters Mobei-Jun’s quarters. He doesn’t want to disturb him for, if he’s honest with himself, is only personal gossip. He’s just really curious about what happened with Shang Qinghua? And if nothing happened Mobei-Jun might be depressed, and it’s not like Mobei-Jun is going to talk about his feelings on the matter to his entourage. It’s going to take all he has to get a few words from him if it went wrong, but he feels up to the challenge!

Turns out he won’t have to. He can tell from the relaxed way Mobei-Jun is standing and the faintest trace of a smile on his face that something very good happened since the last time he saw it. “How was Shang Qinghua?”

White teeth flash when he answers. “Fine.”

His fan, plum blossoms covered in snow, hides his own smile. “I see.” Hopefully they’ll be able to make it work. Shen Qingqiu has no trust in Shang Qinghua’s capacity to be a decent partner to anyone, but Mobei-Jun obviously disagrees. Shen Qingqiu wants to be the one in the wrong this time. “I wish you the best.” Since that’s how it is, he’s going to get all the dirty details from Airplane. That’s going to be way easier than trying to extract them from Mobei-Jun. “I’m sure you have better things to do than waste your time on me.” Like courting your new flame.

Mobei-Jun stops him from leaving by grabbing his arm. “Don’t go.”

He must have questions. Maybe he’s nervous now that he has to handle an actual relationship with a human? “Do you need something from me?” He keeps his tone calm and open. He doesn’t especially want to become their relationship therapist, but one does what one cans.

Mobei-Jun doesn’t let him go. “Thank you.”

Shen Qingqiu is flushed with pride. Look at this cold demon lord learning how to act like a person! Shang Qinghua better be grateful Shen Qingqiu warmed him up for him!

Emotionally! He meant emotionally! “I don’t need thanks. Just be happy.” He gestures at his arm, still caught in Mobei-Jun’s hold. “Though you might want to stop being touching me this freely.”

Mobei-Jun frowns. “Why?”

Shen Qingqiu waves his fan in amusement. “Shang Qinghua might get jealous.” That might have been fun. Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky deserves all the bullying he gets for having written this world. He shouldn’t have said anything.

“Why would he?”

Is that a hard concept to grasp? “It’s not really proper to flaunt your previous attachment when you have a new lover.”

“Previous.”

Shen Qingqiu starts to feel uneasy. “You did confess to Shang Qinghua, didn’t you? Or the reverse, it doesn’t really matter.”

This seems to make sense to Mobei-Jun. “Yes.”

“Then, he would expect fidelity.”

He can see the confusion on Mobei-Jun’s face. Shit. “Fidelity.”

“Most people only have one partner. They expect that partner to be loyal to them.”

“I’m a king. I might choose many spouses.”

Fuck. This is what you brought on yourself by writing a stallion novel, Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky! Your own love interest is planning on gathering a harem! “And you told him that?”

But he knows what he’ll hear before he does. “He must know.”

He might not. Mobei-Jun didn’t have any canonical love interest. “You need to tell him about it. As soon as possible.”

“Junshang doesn’t mind.”

Shen Qingqiu is not getting in, shit! Luo Binghe isn’t an example for anyone to follow! And Luo Binghe himself isn’t out there actively adding flowers to his harem without Shen Qingqiu’s input, which he would definitely need or they would be having Words. “He doesn’t matter. Shang Qinghua does. Talk to him.”

Mobei-Jun stays mute for a while. Shen Qingqiu waits in very awkward silence.

What he says when he finally decides to speak doesn’t help. “You wouldn’t mind?”

Shen Qingqiu chokes. He doesn’t want to be involved in this mess, thank you! “I thought this would end that once you had Shang Qinghua.” When he finally allowed himself to really think about it, it became obvious. Shen Qingqiu already has… a reputation in the demon realm for his unparalleled hold on the strongest member of their kind. The last thing he needs is to become known as a home-wrecker, thank you. As tentative as the relationship between Shang Qinghua and himself can be, he’s not going to ruin his chance at happiness for one of Binghe’s kinky wishes. “You won’t even miss me. Shang Qinghua is too much of a handful.”

Mobei-Jun seems doubtful

In other circumstances, Shen Qingqiu would be flattered. “Talk to him.” How did he even became the resident therapist, he will never know. Of all the anachronisms Airplane included, why not this one? A good therapist might just have saved Luo Binghe from himself.

Sadly, it would also have made for a pretty boring book. Shen Qingqiu can already hear the pleas of needing money and pleasing the audience.

Mobei-Jun frowns but nods.

Shen Qingqiu escapes from this hell he made for himself as fast as he can.

____________

And then nothing happens.

For weeks.

He means, lots of things happens, but not on the ice demon/fellow transmigrator front.

It is possible Shen Qingqiu hears nothing because they’re both not staying at Binghe’s palace and Shen Qingqiu himself has spent some time at the sect, but still. A letter would have been nice. ‘Hello, we’re doing fine, thank you for being our marital counsellor’, something of the sort. Or even ‘Never put your hand on my husband again, you trollop!’ He just wants to know!

“Shizun can stop fretting. Mobei-Jun will look over the castle while I’m visiting the Southern provinces. He can ask him himself.”

Shen Qingqiu shouldn’t be surprised Luo Binghe noticed his agitation. Very few things relating to him escape his husband’s attention.

Still, Shen Qingqiu knows why his disciple really requested Mobei-Jun's presence. Should he take it as a sign something went wrong? Or very right? “Mobei-Jun didn’t object?”

Luo Binghe snorts. “Why would he. He’s probably eager to put his hands on Shizun again.”

But Shang Qinghua! “Considering his actual status, I very much doubt it.”

“All this time, and yet my husband is still blind to his own charms. This disciple is very lucky. That way, Shizun won’t think of looking for someone else.”

Shen Qingqiu is torn between being flattered and sighing. Binghe, why are you still bringing that up? This master has no intention of leaving you.

That’s a subject he really doesn’t feel like revisiting again. Oh well, if Mobei-Jun is coming, he’ll surely bring Shang Qinghua along. Shen Qingqiu will get to the bottom of this himself.

____________

“Seriously, bro, what are you worrying about? Everything is fine.”

“Is it? Is it!? Your love interest has every intention of sleeping around with anyone he takes a fancy to and everything is fine!? Even you must have higher standards.” Shang Qinghua had very conspicuously arrived at Mobei-Jun’s side, looking less stressed than Shen Qingqiu had ever seen him, if no less hyper. Shen Qingqiu had detected the change in seconds. He knows when someone is getting laid right, okay? He’s intimately familiar with what that’s like, courtesy of basically being the heroine.

All he’d felt at the sight had been happiness for his compatriot and the other demon in his life. He had had no plans to disturb their bliss! So why are they having this conversation right now? Shouldn’t Shang Qinghua work on keeping his lover in check instead of trying to pimp him out?

“You’re exaggerating. It’s only you. He was already sleeping with you before he was doing me anyway. If anything, I’m the interloper.”

How is this his life? “I’m not romantically involved with Mobei-Jun, so of course I’m the one in the way.”

Shang Qinghua stays silent.

…What the fuck is that silence supposed to mean!? “Did you forget I’m married to the protagonist? I don’t need anyone else! I really wish people would remember that!”

“That’s something you don’t have worry about. Everyone knows you’re married to Luo Binghe. He’s not subtle about it. That’s not the point. The point is I knew, well no I didn’t know what I was getting in when I included harems in my story, but I did it anyway, the point is I expected this outcome okay? Luo Binghe being loyal to you is close to a miracle, not the rule. Getting Mobei-Jun is already more than I could ever have dreamed for. He’s not gonna go against the grain for me, and that’s fine. And if he’s gonna have someone else, who better than you? You’re not gonna marry him, and you’re not gonna ask him to leave me, so I don’t have anything to complain about.”

“…Are you fucking serious right now?”

Shang Qinghua pats his fucking shoulders like he’s a lady having the vapours. “Calm down. Keep breathing. It’s going to make sense if you think about it.”

“You allowing your lover to sleep around because you think you’re not good enough for him not to is never going to make sense.”

Shang Qinghua flinches like he just hit him. Good. Maybe he’ll understand how completely stupid he’s being. “Bro, that was way harsh. What did I ever do to you to deserve that?”

Shen Qingqiu just stares him down until he squeals. Please, Shang Qinghua knows exactly what he did, mainly everything around them.

“Not everyone has like, crazy powers of seduction that can make anyone fall for them, okay? Some of us have to content themselves with what they can have.”

Shen Qingqiu chokes. He does not have crazy powers of seduction, what the hell!

Not the point. “Did you tell Mobei-Jun that?”

Shang Qinghua’s eyes bug out. “So that I can look even more pathetic than I already do? No way, bro, no way. He told me he was eventually going to marry other people, I said I knew that, he kissed me, and then I-“

“Shut up! I don’t need to know about that!” He already knows more than enough about Mobei-Jun in bed! He really doesn’t need to know about Shang Qinghua! “Shouldn’t you have elaborated more?”

“And say what? Sorry, you’re not allowed to have an heir, you’re gonna have to let your bloodline disappear?”

“Are you seriously telling me you didn’t include mpreg in this mess? Or like, can’t he pick one of his nephews or something?”

“Excuse me, which part of stallion novel screams mpreg to you! Of course I didn’t include that! Not that I would be surprised if you fucking everything up caused a way for it to happen to exist! And yes, he could pick a member of his family as his heir, but then I would be stopping him from having children and that’s not cool. Tiny little Mobei-Juns running around with serious faces! Even your frozen heart must want to see that!”

…That would be heart-stoppingly cute.

So would all the tiny Binghes that were supposed to exist and that Shen Qingqiu ruthlessly culled by stealing their father for himself.

“…Bro, don’t be like that, that’s not what I meant, don’t be sad! They’ll kill me if you’re sad!”

Shen Qingqiu gets a grip on himself. Now’s not the time. “I’m not sad.”

“…Sure bro, you’re not.”

“You’re the one that has reasons to be sad.”

“Not really. I really am okay with it.”

Well, Shen Qingqiu isn’t.

Something is going to have to be done.

#The Scum Villain Self Serving System #Scum Villain #The MoShen Thing #MoShang #MoShen

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ra-lek · 5 years

Note

Hi! I know you’ve touched on the topic briefly before, but if you don’t mind I’d love to hear any more in-depth thoughts you have on autistic Elliot. It’s one of my favorite headcanons and it’s always fascinating to see other people’s thoughts on it! (Also I just wanted to say that you have a really interesting way of analyzing the show and you seem like a such a genuinely chill, kind person, thank you for being awesome)

heya, i don’t mind at all!! this headcanon is great and there’s a lot of material to work with and analyze so i’m absolutely on board with elaborating more;

but first i gotta establish a few things:

i am not a professional and can’t talk about autism the same way i’ve talked about body language or dissociative identity disorder. mainly because i’ve done essays on the latter and am more educated on the subject, unlike with this specific disorder.

but yo that doesn’t mean i don’t know anything cause psychology is my sHit- i just felt it was necessary for you to know that i’m not as confident in my analysis as i usually am; so feel free to correct me!!

next, in canon, elliot is diagnosed with clinical depression and social anxiety disorder. with a couple of ’delusional’ mentions thrown here and there. however, we most certainly know he suffers from DID as well- and the fact it’s his MAJOR problem and hasn’t been properly acknowledged by the show leaves us with room to speculate.

and finally- i’ve been diagnosed with and am being treated for clinical depression and anxiety disorder. so i will point things out from my perspective here as well, since people with anxiety have similar symptoms to people on the spectrum and/or people with ADHD/ADD. (sometimes even OCD)

alright now that that’s all clear we can finally start looking at his behavior!!

first and foremost, autism & ad(h)d are developmental disorders because the symptoms for them can generally be noticed in early childhood; as opposed to anxiety which is a mental illness. so it’s entirely possible to have a cocktail of disorders in your head.

i’m bringing ADD up a lot because i’ve been speculated to have it & am supposed to take some tests- but am not officially diagnosed yet. now that we’ve got my entire family history, blood type & credit card number laid out, we’re ready to go.

anyway, these are the symptoms:

1. difficulty with communication & interaction with others

this is probably where anxiety, add and autism collide the most. though in very different ways- and they’re not exclusive to people with one of these diagnosis only.

for example, eye contact. i’m terrible at it. people with autism & anxiety are also pretty darn bad at it, and elliot might seem that way at times; he hides a lot- but not as often as he tends to hold an intense eye contact, instead? which can also be seen as an ‘odd’ thing to do in social communication. as in, not noticing if someone’s uncomfortable under such gaze, let’s say.

that brings me to the next topic which is uh, coincidentally, communication.

he is quite blunt when it comes to it, has a distinctive ‘flat’ #elliotvoice tone. @mototwinkclub pointed out a few instances last time this topic was brought up, such as saying “i’m okay with it being awkward between us” to matpat ollie or “not at all, actually.” with gideon- and he doesn’t do it to be rude. doesn’t really realize it’s ‘bad’ to say it like that, either.

i mean i know he said he’s trying to work on his social anxiety but that’s not quite how you’d go about it? i firmly believe he suffers from generalized anxiety. obviously, that includes social anxiety as well; but this way you could explain why he’s way more concerned with…everything else. and is pretty straightforward in conversation.

since i referenced the pilot, one of the first lines he says about himself is “i don’t know how to talk to people. the only person person i could talk to was my dad- but he died.” which brings us back to the developmental aspect of this disorder. since he’s indicating he didn’t know how to talk to people even when he was a kid. which is true, in every flashback we see he either doesn’t talk at all or talks very little.

what’s interesting though- although he’s bad at reading 'conversation’- he’s extremely good at reading people. and the fact he 'looks for the worst in them’ contradicts the usual aspect that’s brought up when it comes to an autistic thought process, which is made out to be like “if i wouldn’t do this, then why would anyone else?” and it’s not the way he thinks at all.

instead, he feels empathy on a moral level if that makes sense? people on the spectrum are said to either be too empathic or not at all. and it’s hard to pinpoint elliot? because, clearly, he cares for people as much as he doesn’t trust them. use an example the reason he leaked ray’s information. he literally said “but then i keep thinking about those people.” but we haven’t seen him empathize with, for instance, vera- even when he gave a pretty tragic backstory. he can tell who the bad guy is.

when it comes to spacing out, he does it all the time. people on the spectrum do it all the time, i certainly do it all the time. but we have to focus on what he is thinking about when he does it- because that is our indicator.

we usually see his thoughts filled with paranoia, over-thinking, analyzing, etc,.. which i associate with anxiety disorder mostly? but, we have to take into account something he suffers from the most and it’s dissociative identity disorder. so not only does he space out, but he tends to dissociate, as well. perfect example for this is when he mutes the world around him. or just doesn’t listen.

once again, from the pilot, when angela tells him “stop thinking about something else while i’m talking to you!!” he isn’t actually daydreaming or spacing out in the usual sense- he’s recalling the night (mostly for the viewer than for himself let’s be honest) she’s talking about and we see that he was too anxious to go in. he doesn’t tell her that.

now let’s talk about his no-touch policy for a second. that’s something a lot of people on the spectrum have in common. i think it’s, once again, one of those cases where one could be either completely touch-starved or aversive. though we can’t ignore the fact he’d been abused when he was young.

as i was going through the pilot for most of my evidence here (as you can notice) there’s a very small detail at the beginning when ron leans in to ask “are you blackmailing me!?” and we can see elliot flinch in genuine fear. this is not the only instance where he seems afraid to get hit. breaKs my goddamn heart.

but he’s also the one to initiate contact sometimes- and he often misunderstands the situation. shayla told him not to ask, he kissed darlene, tried kissing angela on the train that time when she denied him- he does it cause that’s what he thinks he should do.

2. restrictive or repetitve behaviors

he’s absolutely all about those routines- he doesn’t want anything destructing his ’perfectly constructed loop’ anytime he has one. (season 1 starbucks, season 2 jailtime, season 3 ecorp) but it’s important to point out that in all of these scenarios, he’s been to one to break the loop himself. by realizing they weren’t making anything better.

there are a couple of nervous ticks he has, general fidgeting with his hands/hair/hoodie- all of these apply to every disorder we’ve mentioned here.

comfort item/food is a very good one!! since we’ve only ever seen him eat fries, he has a “crying corner” in his room, he’s constantly 'hiding’ under the hoodie. probably the main comfort item.

he’s also insanely hyperfocused on technology and numbers and hacking, obviously- he has a clear routine every time. burn the disc, delete the folder, write a song over one of the cds, shove them under the table. same goes for when he thinks he’s fucked up- throw stuff in the microwave, destroy it, you get the image.

speaking of those cds though, if he can remember exactly which song he wrote for each person he’s got data on; that could be a damn good indicator of it!!

all of this could be a combination of whys and becauses which is super fun if you ask me. elliot is complex and, although i share 2.5 disorders with him, i can’t relate to his actions/coping/thoughs completely all the time.

it just tells you how different everyone’s brains are, you can’t restrict a disorder to a specific pattern and only consider that when diagnosing somebody.

so, in conclusion, elliot could very possibly be autistic!!

#real long one y'all #lemme know what you think though!!#elliot alderson #mr robot #/mine #shutupneil #sjdhjsjs thank you for the compliments tho💕💕💕

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tiredlonelyghost · 6 years

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I decided to do a timeline for the erasermic ship! Basically my headcannons on these guys lovely love life so if you wanna read it read below! for i have also included my crappy art c:

Friendship: so pretty much these guys were friends at UA I mean its cannon ffs. though I’d like to think they had a bumpy start because you know, angst and teenage emotions are always fun to think about!

Shouta’s and Hizashi’s personalities couldn’t be anymore different, so when they first officially met Shouta wanted nothing more than for this weird cockatoo looking person to somehow vanish or be expelled. He was loud, annoying, and for some reason he laughed at his own jokes more then what was necessary. Walking into class was pure hell for Shouta for this kid also thought it was mandatory to greet each person who walked in like a bird as well, teachers, students, a odd pet principal, anything. If anything could be worse Hizashi then made it his personal goal at some point during the school year to befriend Shouta; Needless to say, Shouta wasn’t having any of it. Their interactions mainly consisted of Hizashi trying to form anything conversation with our eraser hero in training and failing as Shouta would just sit there and never say a word to the other boy.

All Hizashi wanted was to get to know Shouta better, the dude is really cool! Unlike Shouta, Hizashi had a weird obsession with him from the beginning. You could basically say he was the first ever eraserhead fanboy ( Eraserhead trash #1) and he would stop at nothing to be this dude’s friend. All the other students were confused at Hizashi’s interest in Shouta, to them he was just another loner who never talked and sat in the back of the class by themselves; but Hizashi saw more then that. He saw skill, determination, discipline, and one cool ass quirk yo! He tried his best to get a word or a reaction out of the other boy but his efforts never got him what he wanted, and it was really affecting our poor cockatoo. He couldn’t understand what he was doing wrong, he tried talking but he never got a response, he tried being nice sharing notes and even buying a random snack or two for the other boy but still nothing; you would think he would’ve gave up, but a yamada never gives up, he would keep trying even if it never got him no where.

One day though, he finally got a response; just not the one he wanted. Hizashi walking into the school’s entrance one day saw Shouta in front of him, and just like always he walked up behind him gave him a charming Hizashi greeting and began talking. Before walking into the school itself though Shouta stopped in his tracks, turned around, looked at Hizashi in the eyes (sunglasses) and said the three magic words

“Please, fuck off.”

Hizashi actually doesn’t remember clearly what happened after that. He did however, remember crying the entire day. He doesn’t even know why he had cried so much over a simple rejection but it had stung him so much, all he wanted was to be this dudes friend, why did he hate him so much? Hizashi is pretty much a zombie the entire week after that, no one but the students that had witnessed what had happened knew what was wrong with him. The classrooms atmosphere dropped with Hizashi’s mood, the room was to quiet and the tension in the air was almost unbearable and nothing made it better no matter what anyone tried. Until one day Hizashi was sitting at his desk looking down at his hands when he heard someone walk up and drop a snack on his desk. Confused, Hizashi looked up and saw Shouta standing there in front of him. His jaw tensed up as he braced himself for whatever the other teen was about to say.

“I’m sorry, Yamada.”

For once in his life Yamada Hizashi was speechless, another three magic words and it seemed that this depressive cursed that was laid upon him vanished. He smiled, rubbed the back of his head and accepted the apology. Shouta began to response to him after that, he didn’t talked a lot but just enough to keep Hizashi happy and smiling. They’re inseparable after that.

Confession:

Throughout high school after befriending each other they’re best friends. They depend on each other for almost everything and Shouta honestly doesn’t know when he became so emotionally invested Hizashi. Though making him cry that day did seem to make something in him “snap” it was like he could feel any emotion the other boy was feeling at all times, and he didn’t like it at all. He could feel Hizashi’s happiness, his sadness (and among other things but lets blame that on hormones) after awhile of experiencing this though he began to get used to it.

They finally entered college and became roommates ( oh boy oh boy I wonder how that happened) while Shouta saw this as being one step closer to being a pro hero, Hizashi completely saw something else.

PARTYING! DATING! SEX(ing?)!

Shouta really couldn’t stand it. Everyday Hizashi was begging him to go to some party with him, meet some people, be social. Shouta didn’t want any of it though, he didn’t need to party, he didn’t need to be social. If anything, all he needed was Hizashi by his side and he could get through anything, and it’s when he hit this realization shit went down hill. He soon realized that him feeling Hizashis “emotions” wasn’t really that at all. He was happy when Hizashi was happy, he was sad when Hizashi was sad,(and among other things, those damn hormones amirite?) that was all on his own and he hated it, because that meant he was in love with his best friend.

After he realized this, jealousy hit him like a rock. Hizashi was always bringing some date back to their room, or talking to Shouta about this chick or that dude. This caused things to go a little sour, Shouta began to distance himself from Hizashi. He couldn’t deal with the complicated feelings of a one sided love, he wouldn’t be able to get his studies done if all he was thinking about was how Hizashi was probably out doing god knows what with someone else right now. He drowned himself into his work, blocking out anything or anyone that tried to reach him. Blocking out Hizashi.

It obviously doesn’t take Hizashi to long to notice that Shouta is straight up ignoring him. He pulled this shit in high school before they were friends and hes pulling it again now. Like before Hizashi doesn’t know what he did wrong and it drives him crazy. He tries to chalk it up to Shouta just being really serious with his studies, which isn’t that far from the truth; but theres a difference to being busy and straight up ignoring someone. He doesn’t know if he should press Shouta about why he’s doing this, or just leave it be and hope for the best. He chooses the latter, It’s lonely and honestly kinda painful but he knows when Shouta is ready he’ll talk about why he’s doing what he’s doing.

One day though, Hizashi just has to talk to Shouta about something, a band that Hizashi is obsessed with is coming to the city they’re in and Hizashi is ecstatic. He had it all planned out, He’ll come back to the room tell Shouta about the concert, Shouta will be hella pumped and they’ll go together, and everything will be okay. Except that isn’t at all what ended up happening.

Hizashi does go back to the room and tells Shouta about the concert, but Shouta ignores him. Not a word out of him. So Hizashi repeats himself but louder this time, same response. He began to think, if this isn’t getting Shouta’s attention maybe something else will, so he does what he does best, be annoying as hell to Shouta. It isn’t till Hizashi is basically screaming the lyrics to Hit Me Baby by Brittney Spears Shouta finally looks at him. Their eyes lock and the room falls silent as Hizashi is muted by Shouta’s intense gaze. Shouta opens his mouth, and says three. magic. words.

“Please, fuck off.”

Hizashi doesn’t know what happens again. All he knows is that he’s bawling his eyes out and had Shouta pinned underneath him. He finally catches his breath, and began to shout at Shouta. Screaming at him asking why, why was he acting like this, why did he hate him? Did he do something wrong? Is there something he can do to stop this behavior? The list goes on. Shouta is under him wide eyed and shocked. He didn’t realize that saying that would cause such a reaction from the other, he was uncomfortable. With the weight Hizashi was pressing down on him and the headache he was beginning to developed due to his screeching, Shouta began to feel extremely overwhelmed. The screeching came to a sudden halt though, and Shouta took this chance to try to sit back up. Hizashi stopped him with a hand on his shoulder, he used his other wipe to wipe away the tears that had started to dry on his face and took a deep breath.

“Shouta, I’m so sorry for shouting. I just, I can’t stand it when you do that. You mean so much to me and I’m so scared something is going to take you away from me, that’s why when you do this I just feel so hopeless. I don’t ever want to lose you, if I ever did I don’t know what I’d do.”

Hizashi reached for Shouta’s hand, Shouta’s breath stilling as his fingers wrapped around his own. He looks at their conjoint hands, and then back at Hizashi. His eyes are red and puffy from crying so hard, he looks tired, drained. Guilt washes over Shouta like the ocean over the shore. He has to say something to make Hizashi feel better, he can’t let him stay like this.

“Hizashi, I-”

His sentence was cut off as Hizashi moved the hand on his shoulder to cup his jaw, forcing his head up, and leaning in to kiss him lightly on the lips. It hadn’t lasted long at all, but for Shouta it felt like the entire world paused, only to be resumed when his friend pulled back and looked him in the eyes.

“Shouta, you mean so much to me.”

Marriage:

If you’re thinking Hizashi is the one that proposed HA HA HA BITCH YOU’D BE WRONG

after that incident in college, our boys finally started dating, after graduating college and becoming our beloved heros Present Mic and Eraser Head. They finally got settled down and moved into some semi-decent apartment. Their lives are hella busy, with Eraser being a pro hero and a teacher from Present Mic being pro hero, a teacher, AND A FUCKING RADIO SHOW HOST, things can get kinda hectic needless to say. Though at the end of the day ( or like week) both of them are just happy to finally spend alone time together in the comfort of their apartment, watching crappy movies and eating food that will probably give them stomach cancer in the next 20 years.

One of these days though Hizashi can see that Shouta is anxious, yet he doesn’t know why. They had be cuddling on the couch watching some cheesy romance movie, Shouta tensing up every now and then. It got really bad though when a proposal scene came up, Hizashi had to pause the movie and ask Shouta if he was alright.

He was quiet, looking anywhere but at Hizashi. Then suddenly he sighed, and nodded.

“It’s just that lately, I’ve been thinking about something a lot.”

Hizashi raised a eyebrow up at him and Shouta sighed again. He suddenly shot up and walked into their bedroom. Hizashi extremely confused at this point, didn’t know if he should follow him or stay where he was. That didn’t matter though as Shouta came back into their living room, standing in front of their couch and hiding something behind his back.

“When we first met, I honestly would’ve never thought that you would’ve had this much of a impact on my life, I was just some weird quiet kid trying to get through his school years and you were this loud, annoying, popular guy who wouldn’t leave me alone. At first I couldn’t stand you, but as we got closer I’ve found that I actually couldn’t stand being WITHOUT you. life is to quiet when you’re not around, it lacks warmth, security, and color. You make everything seem so bright and cartoon like it actually makes me wonder if your quirk is actually being a fucking cartoon or anime character. There’s been times where I’ve pushed you away and almost lost you, times where I would hide how I feel around you, but no more of that. Hizashi I’ve been thinking about this for awhile, And if you’ll have me.”

Shouta got on one knee, and pulled out a tiny box out from behind his back, opening it and revealing a ring.

“I’d like it if you would be my husband. Hizashi, will you marry me?”

Hizashi then almost deafens the entire city from screaming yes.

Family:

a couple years after getting married our boys finally adopt our lovely Hitoshi and then eventually Eri. Their life isn’t perfect, but they wouldn’t have it any other way.

(theres more to say but I’ve been working on this non-stop for 8 hours now and i need to crash before I actually black out and die or something)

#aizawa shouta #Eraser Head #yamada hizashi #present mic #erasermic #maizawa #bnha #my art #eri bnha #shinsou hitoshi #fanfic

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poshfather · 7 years

Text

some thoughts about stan

i love stan so heres kind of an analysis/headcanon sort of thing ok here we go

i feel like a lot of stan’s character derives from a place of insecurity. and this insecurity probably stems from the amount of rejection he’s faced in his life, both from his friends and his family.

his parents have gotten divorced twice, both times sort of blaming it on him, his sister bullies him, jimbo replaced him as his nephew with kenny, wendy repeatedly shows interest in other guys, and when he was diagnosed with depression his best friends abandoned him.

so to counter all of this hes devloped this complex where he needs people to like him and look up to him to survive. and a good place to start with this would be randy, who plants this idea in his head that to be a “normal” kid you have to be...well kind of an asshole. like when stan innocently calls cartman a “silly goose” randy throws a fit and demands stan calls him an “asshole” like a normal kid. and this, mixed with a ton of other bullshit randy spews, stan has this warped view on what being “normal” means, which is why he can so easily pick on other kids, deeming them dorky or “melvins”.

and in situations with wendy, he finds himself competing with other guys, often changing his personality to be more like or better than them. “for wendy ill be an activist, too” or, caving in and organizing an entire high school musical dance number just to win back her attention. even in raisins he adopts a whole new goth persona, and while it wasn’t to impress her, it was because of her that he felt like he needed to fit in with a new crowd to feel accepted.

but he sometimes takes this way too far, as in scause for applause/butterballs/gluten free ebola where he takes a good cause and exploits it to become popular or accepted. in the first two, it becomes less about the cause and more about him, letting his ego overtake him and, in the end, driving everyone away again (or at least, them feeling neutral towards him, which to stan, isnt the desired adoration he thrives on.)

a lot of stan’s actions aren’t exactly...calculated. he doesn’t really think before he acts when it comes to winning people over. consequently, he has no self awareness. he thinks he can do what he wants with no repercussions. ex, breaking up with wendy because he’ll be “dripping in bitches”, and then expecting they’d be fine again once his startup company failed. and a lot of the other things he does is on the whim, too. whale whores, fun with veal, - he sees something he deems unjust and lets his emotions overtake him, choosing to go headfirst into some ridiculous scheme to stop it.

and a lot of the he even gets sucked into things on accident, but then gets really into it, because suddenly he feels important. (asspen, scause for applause, trapped in the closet)

stan actually can be pretty selfish or hypocritical, especially if it will protect his image. in we should’ve never gone ziplining, he puts himself and his friends at risk just for an ipod nano.the whole guitar queer-o escapade, where he abandons kyle because he thinks he’d be better off without him. and then in the mystery of the urinal deuce, he pulls out a fucking gun on kyle to keep him quiet, so that know one will know that he was the culprit. and in two days before the day after tomorrow, he refuses to confess that he broke the dam because he didn’t want to get in trouble. he’d rather go solve the issue himself then admitting he did something wrong and accept outside help.“this way i can do the right thing, but still lie about it”

and those are only a few examples.

and as ive stated before, stan often lets his emotions get the best of him. i think the symptoms of his depression extend beyond youre getting old/ass burgers. while those two episodes did a great job of depicting his struggles, and showed that he uses alcohol to get by, he also copes in other ways, in my opinion. similar to these two episodes, in raisins we find him almost mute, and unmoving. he lays in bed in his dark room, blinds closed, dirty clothes and trash covering the floor. in freemium isnt free, he claims he stayed home from school because he “wasnt feeling the best” and instead layed in bed for 8 hours playing a game on his phone. i think anyone with depression could relate to that one LOL (at least i do) but with that, he also excessively spends money on that game, which is another reckless coping mechanism. and then finally even his habit of hoarding in insheeption could be considered yet another way he deals with his depression.

despite all of this though, stan can be logical. he can be a mediator, and a peacekeeper, and a voice of reason, especially between cartman and kyle, or the adults. he has the ability to see through bullshit and look at the bigger picture. usually he gets this way though on issues that don’t directly involve him, however.

he’s also pretty passive, and has a calming presence from time to time. he’s openminded and tends to at least hear people out before deciding if its totally stupid or not.

and all in all, no matter how stan acts, he has this way about making people like him no matter what. hes just really likable, even if he himself doesnt think so at times. probably because he has no self awareness and everyone (mainly wendy) gives in and forgives him because he really is trying his best but... he doesn’t exactly know what hes doing.

i just wanted to write this because i feel like people either overlook stan and call him boring, or only pick two or three of stans traits and mold that into his entire character, when there’s actually so much more to him, and how he’s not as, well...”pure” as some people claim him to be.

so i guess in summary stan is an insecure, egoistic, selfish, hypocritical, reckless, and emotional bully, as well as being a logical, good natured, passive, openminded, peacekeeping, and frustratingly lovable kid whos just trying to get by with all the shit he has to face

i could write about stan all day but those are the main things i wanted to talk about so thank you for reading this

#south park #stan marsh

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your-missing-period · 7 years

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Questions 7, 20, and 28 for Charcoal and Cupid (who is so pretty btw oh man). And then I kinda want to ask A-J but that's a lot and you might want to talk about characters other than those two so... Wildcard A-J with wildcard characters...?

Cupid thinks he’s pretty too. He says you have good taste xD

7. What triggers nostalgia for them, most often? Do they enjoy that feeling?

Charcoal: Thinking, thinking, thinking. “I miss my old clan.” He started softly. “I’m from the Ashfall Waste, the Emberglow Hearth to be exact. I miss the dry air. The air isn’t dry, or heated, in the Labirynth. But the scouts bring food from there, and when we get to eat it, it tastes like home.”

Cupid: “Honey, my darling dear my little dandelion, I don’t focus on the past. I don’t miss anything! I have me and me alone and my two lovely little fae children and that’s all I need to get by in such a, ugly, clan.”

20. If they were asked to explain the difference between romantic and platonic or familial love, how would they do so?

Charcoal: “Uhh.” The difference? “Well one is like me loving Carolina, because she’s from my old clan with me, so I love her like a sister. That’s familial love. Platonic is me loving my friends, like Carolina, because we’re from the same clan. Oh but she’s my sister so I can’t love her twice uh.. I guess... Mayall, is friendly love?” He had his arms cross before holding his chin, or the bottom of his beak (dragon physiology) with a claw. “So I guess romantic love would be who you’d want to make hatchlings with. I don’t have anyone like that.”

Cupid: The dragon watched the other one try to mentally work it out. Oh boy. “Love is a very complicated thing.” He butt in with a smile. “But in the end, all love is the same in the end.” He raised a claw. “Hard to believe, I know, but think about it. You need to love your friends to hang around them, you rarely ever find a mate unless you’re friends with them first, and even with family you hear the phrase ‘they’re like my best friend.’ You need to be friends with those you love, and it needs to be love. Sometimes we confuse love with obligatory feelings, like how you need to love your parents, but that’s not always the case, because if you ask Ranch, Honeydew, or Eggplant, parents can be absolute shit.” He stood straighter, wishing he had a board to help describe all of this. “So it starts at friendship, so to speak, all love in the end is platonic love of some sort, because you want to keep your friends in your life forever. The difference moving on is just trying to box in love. If you love your sibling like a friend, but also love your friend romantically, which love do you choose? It all gets very very complicated. However, I can agree that romantic love is a person you would like to get emotionally and physically closer to, someone who you can see a future with,” he motioned towards Charcoal. “Someone you would like to raise a family with.”

28. Would they prefer a lie over an unpleasant truth?

Charcoal: “An unpleasant truth. It’ll hurt or be awful but at least you know. You can move on when you know things.”

Cupid: A laugh left the spiral. “Oh honey, it’s definitely a lie. You can attract more flies with honey and all that. Keep your friends close and enemies closer, and lies are just the way to do that. After all, you think I like you!”

Charcoal: He looked down, unamused. “You don’t like anyone trust me this isn’t subtle.”

With your A-J questions, I’ll use each dragon starting a row!! c: I love Charcoal and Cupid but they’re not as super fleshed out as other dragons.

A) Why are you excited about this character?

As my Clan Leader, Cici has a lot of potential. If you’ve kept up with other asks, you’ve heard that people actually think PomeGrape is the head of the clan because he makes the decisions and orders people around, which then brings the question as to why Cici allows that and allows that belief to live while she’s also Clan Head. I’m not too sure myself why she does it yet, but Pome always does come to her for final decisions, as do other dragons as well. So they know she’s clan head but they just like Pome more. I think she lets him be the figurehead the face of leadership, when she does most of it. We haven’t delved a lot into her backstory yet (especially since she’s my progen) but there’s definitely a lot of potential with her that I can’t wait to unlock!

B) What inspired you to create them?

So Honeydew is actually one of the few dragons to have some decent lore (at least decent in terms of how much there is). His father is the same as Ranch’s, making them half-brothers, and when my friend told me that Felix hatched another nest and asked if I wanted any, I had to look. Her Felix is know for being pretty gaudy, pretty full of himself (a lot like Cupid) so I figured, since him and his wife are both really bright yellows, Honey, who seemed a little less bright, would get thrown out. From there I knew he would be a lot different from his brother, and I really wanted Ranch to get out of his scared depressed state too, so raising someone who was his opposite was the surefire way to do that! I like character growth where I can get it.

C) Did you have trouble figuring out where they fit in their own story?

PomeGrape definitely had some rocky beginnings, he was a gift from a friend and he was supposed to be really cold and really mean and turns out he’s anything but that. So it was harder to develop his personality than it actually was his role. He sort of fell into his role of ‘organizing the life of the clan’ but since he was pretty solitary, I had to find reasons for other dragons to visit him. Turns out he’s a pretty nice dude. He ended up good thanks to his mate.

D) Have they always had the same physical appearance, or have you had to edit how they look?

HA YES I WAS HOPING THIS QUESTION WOULD LINE UP WITH ILIANA. Okay so Iliana is actually an original character of mine!! Her original appearance, as a human, which is what she is originally is based off Saoirse Ronan in Hanna. She’s a clone set in an xmen universe and she’s always been somewhat shy, sticking close to one person. To transfer that Iliana to dragon form was hard because she’s such a soft, gentle, very kind girl who was put through very cruel and unusual situations but still came out very nice. I wanted her coloring and her breed to reflect that, but I could never scry anything perfect. I forgot how I ended up finding the nocturne that is now dragon Iliana. I really don’t remember what I was looking for but I saw her and it wasn’t even a second guess I just immediately bought her for all the treasure she was worth. She still looked very soft and very gentle and very princess-like, but I’ve been saving up for a skin from here because dragon Iliana does go through the coliseum a lot with her now-girlfriend Georgiana, and it hasn’t been very kind to her.

E) Are they someone you would get along with? Would they get along with you?

Frir is an odd dragon. When I first joined FR I really really loved snaps so I was disappointed when I couldn’t make a snap, and he was donated to me. Naturally I loved his appearance half to death because I love brightly colored dragons but I never knew what to do with him, and I still don’t. I just know he’s mute, he follows Mayall around a lot (technically they’re dating) and he likes to go scavenging. I don’t think I’d get along with him, because I love to talk a lot and I love the conversation that happens, but I think Frir could get along with anyone. He’s a very loving dragon who cares about everyone.

F) What do you feel when you think of your OC (pride, excitement, frustration, etc)?

So, Phosphorescence makes me feel.... I’m not sure. I kinda want to hate him but I don’t? He doesn’t have the same pack-mentality the other mirrors have. If anything he displays none of the mirror traits of bloodthirsty-ness and needing to survive. He does eat a lot but he’s managed it, especially in Viridian Labyrinth where there’s never a lack of food. But I feel bad for him, because he can’t relate to other mirrors, so he’s sort of friendless because that mirror stereotype is applied to him when he doesn’t fit it at all. He ends up working at night, because he glows in the dark so helps lost dragons find their way back, or helps Minnie and Carolina with plants that can only be obtained at night.

G) What trait of theirs bothers you the most?

So Heng is a recently created dragon (because her and Jian are part of my breeding project for another oc dragon) and I think what bothers me about her the most (aside from my lack of giving her lore) is that she seems really clever very early on. Or really possessive. She works as an acolyte for the demigod Jian, so she spends a lot of her time with him and she swears she loves him, but something about her just rubs me wrong, like, I know she doesn’t have good intentions but I haven’t figured them out yet.

H) What trait do you admire most?

Ugh, Anteros. He’s technically one of Cupid’s adopted kids but like all faes in my clan, he has a really hard time speaking the common tongue that larger dragons share, because faes mainly communicate body language through their head frills. And with a slightly neglectful dad (cupid swears he loves them, but their ideas aren’t always up to cupid standards) he’s sort of been sitting and doing nothing with his sister a lot. I guess I admire the way he cares for his sister and helps her out despite their circumstances. Cupid’s not a bad dad, but he’s not great. Anteros prefers to be alone because of it, but him and his sister will go talk to the other faes to get some socialization and understanding what’s going on. He’s learning to be independent, that’s what I like.

I) Do you prefer to keep them in their canon universe?

HA. No. So Calzone is originally a subspecies of dragon called ‘Pizza Dragons.’ Which means, logically, he should be made of pizza. But lord knows I only loved calzone for his genes and not for his ‘canon lore.’ So I threw him out of it and made him the exalter of the clan instead. I loved the genes but not the lore. He’s actually friends with Chikan.

J) Did you have to manipulate or exclude canon factors to allow them to create their character?

Ugh, Lamp. So the thing with Lamp is that she’s for sale. I love her, I love her genes, I love the potential she holds, but I cannot for the life of me think of any lore or dress her but god I love her half to death. I haven’t created anything for her. I don’t know how. I love her and want to keep her but I don’t know how or what to create. I have scraps at best and nothing at worst.

#fr #flight rising #answers missing #Anonymous

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thesabrinaremy · 5 years

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The time I got my ass “Deported” from China

I am finally decide to open up about this. This is hard for me to write and post this but it is what it is. I will try to make this as simple and short as possible because girlllllllllll when I re-read this back I can’t believe how rebel I am lol

DO NOT TRY TO ATTEMPT THIS. TAKE MY EXPERIENCE AS A LESSONS AND NOT A DARE.

So basically I’ve been working illegally in China and I wanted to change my tourist visa status to student visa. I can’t apply for working visa because the requirement to apply for working visa is you need at least a bachelor degree and I don’t have any. My agency aware that they hire me illegally but they wanted keep me for a long time so therefore they help me out. So as my tourist visa expiring I needed to find a way to apply for student visa with cheap price. So my dumb ass decided to buy a fake document off a Pakistani guy off WeChat and my agency endorse me. So this Pakistani guy advice me to go to Thailand to apply for the student visa because It’s less risky that I get rejected.

So I fly in Bangkok by end of December 2018. I’m excited as fuck mainly because I get to escape cold Beijing lol ! But also nervous as hell because I’m going to fuck the system and this will not end well. I applied my visa the next day with a lot of prayer.

Here is a selfie of me just checked in a drom. Happy finally escaped the cold Beijing and finally wear summer clothes! and you can see I’m also nervous at same time.

And GIRLLLL I WAS RIGHT

Next day I get a call for interview. So I went there and get interviewed. It did not end well and they caught be right handed. I try to get tricks from the Pakistani guy to lie to the embassy officer (Yeah I have balls lol) but he just say just say no if they say you lying. What tip!. The officer that interviewed me was intense guy. He keep pushing me with questions trying to make me nervous and it worked. So in the end my lies didn’t make sense and this is the last words he said “I don’t trust you. We’ll find out what we going to do with you.” and he just left. So I just ask at the other officer there that I want my passport back and they said come tomorrow to pick it up.

Next day I come, they said my passport is still not ready. and next, next, next day still not ready... I started to get freak out. Like FUCK I stuck here in Thailand on my own with no passport, not a lot of money, ALL ALONE. I was in paranoia, anxiety, depression, you name it.

I decided to get on Tinder to distract myself from all this. So I meet this guy name G. He on his 40′s. Coincidentally he was in Bangkok all alone and he has nothing better to do. So he spoiled me by buying me dinner, drinks. During new year we in a dessert bar little tipsy together, SURPRISINGLY this man didn’t take advantage of me. We don’t even kiss or sleep together. He was genuinely wanted a friend to chat, to company him while he is in Bangkok and that moment I feel like God is being good to me. I found a nice guy in his 40′s and he spoiled me with food and drinks and he is not interested to sleep with me. WINNING! We friends till now!

During New Year Eve. G spoiled me with boujee Thai dinner.

I shit you not my best friend were also in Bangkok that time! Bobby was in Bangkok for his job. He is a tourist guide and we just happened to be in the same place and same time! He let me crash at his hotel room for one night he buy me dinner. I am beyond thankful of this weird luck happening to me.

So fucking blessed that my best friend is in Bangkok! It sure cheer me up from all this mess!

I told my agent back in Beijing with my situation. They being really helpful and help me financially because there’s the only thing they can do. They are truly my family in Beijing and I am devastated because I can’t come back. I just moved out to better apartment with an amazing and I mean AMAZING housemate. I have a wonderful full time job at kindergarten where I can take a nap during afternoon. I own a scooter/moped. I just started a stable relationship. I just started saving money for the future... I just lost all that... just like that....

Here I am all alone. I’m in my single bed dorm box. I can’t breath I remember I’m start to developing claustrophobia. I am mentally and physically exhausted and you can tell in the picture. I’m trying to cheer myself up by wearing bold make up and get myself out there.

I still don’t have passport with me. But I do have a picture of my passport in my phone. Instead of staying in Bangkok and hopelessly waiting for my passport. I decided to go to Chiang Mai. I know a friend who lives there so I tell him about my situation and he willing to help me and let me crash at his place in Chiang Mai. So I did. I buy a train ticket from Bangkok to Chiang Mai.

When I’m in Chiang Mai my friend been very welcoming. He really try to help me distracted from my passport situation. He even introduce me to Nomad Summit! and It is amazing experience. I made some networking and he really help me inspired and motivated me to achieve my dream. Which is becoming a full time digital nomad. He was also introduce me to Game of Thrones LOL. I can never thank you enough for him. Steve if you reading this. I thank you so much. I also thank you for his housemates for being cool that I crash for a week.

My first night in Chiang Mai. Steve show me his studio/workplace and we catching up. It was a good night. Totally distracted from all this mess. You can see how excited I am being around him in this picture!

After a week in Chiang Mai I decided to go back to Bangkok. Once I arrived I went straight to the embassy and pick up my passport. FINALLY! It’s been almost a month I’m in Thailand and I need to get the fuck out ASAP. When I pick up the passport the officer there say to me Do not to apply for any visa for at least 6 months if you don’t wanna get any trouble. I replied. “So I get blacklisted?”. She look at me straight in the eye and say, “Yes. This is the first warning”. So I just say noted and pay the fine. Yes I got fine but not much. So on the same day I bought a ticket back to Malaysia by train. So from Bangkok > Hatyai > Kuala Lumpur.

I can not describe how I feel that moment. I feel relived I get my passport back, I have anxiety that I don’t have money for the future, I am depressed because I just lost everything. I am happy for the sun on my skin. All this feelings at once. I can’t cry. I can’t laugh. My emotion just numb. Muted. Because it is too much.

Once I arrived in my home in Shah Alam. I just decided to work from home. Pursue my dream as digital nomad. Although deep down I wanna go back to China...

So there you go (:

My advise is: Don’t buy fake documents to fool the government. They’re not stupid. I sure learn that the hard way...

I personally wanna thank you whoever was there when I’m in this mess. You know who you are. Mentally and Physically. Love you and miss you all.

#storytime #travel #china #review #long reads #blog #lifestyle #mental health #instagram #blogger #female #traveler #backpacker

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little-lottie · 7 years

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY @frostbitebakery <333 Here’s a birthday fic for the Steve x Bucky coffee shop meet cute prompt. Hope you enjoy it!

Also based on Seb’s look here

Steve doesn’t need to check his phone to know he’s late, probably even later than he thinks, and he’s decaffeinated, trying to outrun an apocalyptic black cloud that’s hot on his heels and threatening storms.

Rain isn’t the only thing breathing down his neck today either. It’s Tuesday morning, which means his Tuesday morning deadline has tiptoed past the point of pressing and has bolted headlong into the realms of urgency.

Steve’s grumpy, that’s for sure, but he’s not stressed as such. He’ll meet the deadline, because if nothing else, he gets shit done. He knows he’s good at his job, it’s just that some people would like him to be good at it a hell of a lot quicker, and right now his inspiration is running dry. The current job, a concept illustration for a children’s story that’s heavy on both space adventure and morals, is almost complete — there are just a couple of elements that still niggle. Steve takes the last two steps to his favorite coffee shop at a run and reaches the door just as the water hits, a torrential downpour that catches his heels and the back of his jacket as he crosses the threshold. When the door clicks shut behind him, muting the drum roll of rain, it brings other sounds into focus.

Steve thrives on this, the background noise as he works; the hiss of steam, the mechanical grind of coffee beans, the clunk of the group heads slotting into place in the machine. It’s like a soundtrack humming in the back of his mind like white noise. His brain just works better this way, and it’s not like Maria cares where he works, as long as he gets the job done. Wanda waves to him from behind the counter before pulling a face which is probably aimed at the man bumbling for change at the till, but could in all likeliness be directed at Steve. He feels the corners of his lips tug upwards either way.

The smile lands oddly, feels strange on his face like the requisite muscles are only just waking up, resisting as they get to grips with the gesture after hours of frowning. Steve groans because it’s 11am and it’s pretty fucking depressing that this is his first smile of the day.

It’s with a sense of unearned triumph that he settles into the last available window booth and reluctantly puts his laptop bag on the table in front of him. He glares at it, knowing what’s waiting for him when he sets it up and opens the file he needs.

The colors weren’t right the last time he looked, and they still won’t be right when he looks again. Burnt orange isn’t alluring enough for the protagonist’s home planet, a kind of siren-song Saturn that draws passing starships into its orbit. Unless Steve gets a timely hit of inspiration, it will stay that way, hostile and fierce, and not at all what the author intended. Steve rubs his forehead. He really needs a coffee.

That’s when he notices a waiter hovering around the table like an answer; Steve’s very own planetary alignment. He all-too-briefly wonders when the cafe started offering table service, but he shrugs it off. Anything that saves him jockeying for position in line is a win as far as Steve’s concerned.

The guy takes the last step to Steve’s table and starts to speak. “Can I get—?”

“Yes!” Steve cuts in gratefully, the word a relieved rush of breath. “God, yes. Double shot Americano, please.”

It’s at that point Steve looks up properly, takes in bright eyes, long dark hair, broad chest, bite-swollen lips, and everything else beautiful that he can’t fully comprehend all at once.

The waiter blinks slowly, and Steve is just starting to think he’s accidentally asked for the guy’s phone number instead of his coffee when the man’s face lights up in a slow grin.

Steve fidgets in his seat, a hot, fat raindrop of lust falling low in his belly. He tries to keep his composure but a blush sells him out.

The guy purses his lips as though he’s trying to tame a smile and says, “Sure.” His voice is husky and rough, yet it somehow soothes all the spiky edges of Steve’s morning personality. “You want milk?” A simple yes or no would do it, but Steve hasn’t found his voice just yet. He knows it won’t be hiding in the depths of sparkling gray-blue eyes, but at least now he knows exactly what color that planet should be. The guy waits patiently, completely unaware that Steve’s an idiot who thinks that maybe he’s just found his muse.

“No, thank you,” Steve answers eventually, too late to be considered normal, and pulls his laptop out with renewed enthusiasm. If he doesn’t, he’ll watch the guy’s ass all the way back to the counter. To the backdrop of chinking crockery and chatter, Steve opens his file and starts coloring. He tries to focus on the job and not the gorgeous new waiter — he must be new because Steve comes in every week, and let’s face it, Steve would definitely remember seeing him.

On his left, a mug is placed on the table. There are words of gratitude on his tongue, but he stumbles in confusion when a plate slides down alongside it. He looks between the man and the plate, where a tempting apple turnover is sitting pretty and begging to be devoured. “Umm…” Steve glances up to find the waiter standing there with a smirk and a raised eyebrow, looking expectant and arguably more delicious than the pastry. “I didn’t order this.” “No,” the man says through a huff of laughter. “But technically, you didn’t order the coffee either.” “Huh?” Opposite him, the man slides into the booth, light bouncing off his shirt and drenching his eyes with even more blue.

Steve’s eyes dart left and right, looking for whatever it is he’s missed. The guy waits, nips the side of his bottom lip, and says, “So… can I get my jacket now?” “Your what? Wait—what?” Then Steve realizes he’s leaning against something. Something leather, with zippers. Something that looks very much like a jacket. Finally it clicks. “You don’t have a name badge.” The man’s grin widens. “Oh shit. You don’t work here do you?” “Nope.” The guy looks so smugly amused as it is, he doesn’t even bother to pop the p.

Steve should apologize, grovel, accept this moment of mortification, but this is the exact situation that forces that chip on his shoulder. He’s annoyed with himself, and this guy, with his unaccountably hot hair and breathtaking jaw line that Steve wants to trace with his thumb, and his teeth, and maybe also…

This is definitely a problem. Steve decides to throw some sarcasm at it. “Make yourself comfortable.” The guy’s grin doesn’t waver, but he does throw a look of disbelief Steve’s way. “Wait, are you actually pissed because I brought you breakfast?” It seems unreasonable now, but Steve’s sticking with it for the time being. It’s probably petulant to come right out and say yes, so Steve ends up huffing through his nose like one of the indignant purple space dragons on his screen.

The guy laughs on a gulp of coffee and Steve wistfully hopes he might do something embarrassing like splutter, if only to break Steve out of the infatuation he seems to be developing.

Steve waits, then sighs as the man recovers with his dignity still intact. Figures.

“You always this much of an asshole when someone does something nice for you?”

Steve meets his eyes when he says, “Yeah,” and hopes his face says what of it. “But, I genuinely thought… I wasn’t trying to get you to pay for me.”

“Too late,” he replies firmly. “Drink your coffee.”

Steve watches the man lick across his bottom lip, a path he’d like to trace for himself, eyes lingering when he knows they shouldn’t. He hasn’t felt like drawing for himself for months. Now he’s opening a new canvas and he doesn’t even realize he’s doing it.

“I’m Bucky, by the way.”

Blinking stupidly, Steve drags his eyes up from the screen. “Steve,” he offers stiffly in return.

The smile he receives in response is quite possibly the most stunning he’s ever seen. ~ They don’t talk for a full fifteen minutes, but Bucky doesn’t leave either. Every now and then, Steve steals a surreptitious little glance and adjusts the sketch, and his pants, accordingly.

Steve’s squinting at the screen when Bucky shifts, clearing his throat quietly. “What are you doing?”

“Work,” he mumbles, glaring at the turnover which isn’t really fair because it’s not the pastry’s fault that Steve’s obsessing over the perfect lines of Bucky’s hair, the way the strands should curl just a little around his ears.

Bucky makes a noise around his mug. “Wow, don’t hold back,” he snarks, but he doesn’t look pissed at all.

Steve’s eyes flick up. He’s just as startled this time around as the first time he set eyes on him, and every reference check in between. “I’m not telling you my life story. You could be anyone.” Bucky narrows his eyes and tips his head in consideration. “Alright, first off, if work is your life, that sucks. Second, how do you make friends if you never speak to strangers? ‘Anyone’ has to become someone somehow.” Steve thinks of a few quick fire comebacks, but they’ll lack the required punch if he can’t look this guy in the eye when he delivers them. Which he can’t, because Bucky’s too damn beautiful. He sits in silence instead. “Forget I asked,” says Bucky, shaking out a sugar packet and ripping the end with his teeth. He doesn’t put his hands up in surrender, but Steve gets the idea all the same. “I’m an illustrator,” Steve concedes, more willingly than his tone lets on. “Fiction books mainly.” “Really?” Bucky’s face suddenly becomes animated as he leans forward on his elbows, voice excited and Brooklyn heavy. “What’s that one about?” “A cute kids book about aliens. It sounds trite, but it’s actually really good. I’ve worked out one of the issues, but there’s still something missing.” He inclines his head to the window where droplets chase each other down the pane; feinting, sliding, mapping paths in a stop-go pattern of rainy day gloom. “I’m not feeling landscapes today.” Bucky sits there for a while and Steve wonders if he’s zoned out, uninterested.

“Well,” Bucky says after another beat, “it rains on Venus.” He offers the information with a tiny shrug, almost like he’s embarrassed, but he expands anyway. “It’s sulfuric acid and mostly it evaporates before it hits the ground, but something like that could maybe look good.” Steve pauses as a little spark ignites and catches. “That’s perfect,” he mutters, sliding his glasses back on. He’s so focused he almost misses the delighted flush on Bucky’s cheeks. ~ Steve gets absorbed in beguiling blue planets and portrait sketches alike, darting from one file to the other with a twitch of the mouse when he panics that Bucky might be able to see through the back of the monitor and catch him out. When he next looks up, the rain has lightened to a steady pitter patter, and Bucky is watching the world outside with a dedicated fascination. Steve follows his line of sight, wants to see what he sees, but his eyes are only focused on the short range, the boundaries of which seem to encompass a half meter radius around Bucky. On the glass, the raindrops join together, slide faster. “So you’re not a barista?” Steve asks, if only to get Bucky talking again. “Actually, yes,” the guy smiles, turning to Steve as though he wasn’t as lost to the view as Steve thought. “Not here though. I’ve just moved back into the neighborhood.” He shrugs. “I’m avoiding unpacking, but don’t tell my conscience — it thinks I’m here because I don’t know where I packed the coffee.” Steve grins. “Your conscience is gullible. Everyone knows you should always label the kitchen box.” “Well, exactly.” Steve’s brain skitters and he wonders if it’s possible to absorb Bucky’s laugh into his skin. Like lifting a stuck stereo needle, he shakes his head and goes to ask Bucky where he’s moved from, but his phone interrupts.

“My boss,” Steve says off-hand, flicking the phone an inch to the right where it proves to be just as irritating. “She probably wants to know what my status is on this job.” “What is your status?” “Annoyed.”

Bucky laughs in surprise, fizzing Steve’s blood like a caffeine hit.

“She can wait. The client doesn’t want to see the first concept until tomorrow anyway.” “I can leave,” Bucky suggests. His tone is light but Steve can tell he’s sincere. “If I’m, you know, intruding.” Steve laughs. He can’t help it, because technically Bucky is intruding. But so is Steve — this was Bucky’s table before it was his.

Steve’s still chuckling, and Bucky is narrowing his eyes on a smile as though he doesn’t quite know what to make of it.

“No,” Steve assures him, maintaining eye contact. “You’re alright there.”

They hold each other’s gaze, unclear if they’re flirting or just engaging in a standoff, until the spell breaks when Steve misjudges the distance to the table and puts his cup down a little too forcefully.

Bucky grins. “I’m distracting you though, right?”

Keeping his smile under wraps, Steve reaches for the sugar, wondering if his back and bicep are flexing in the same way Bucky’s did earlier. Steve can feel Bucky staring, and takes a little while longer finding the right sachet.

When he turns back around, he catches Bucky in the process of pretending he’s been reading his book all along. The last bitter edges of Steve’s bad mood evaporate like acid rain. ~ At some point during the last third of his coffee, he leans back, looks at the art as a whole and nods with satisfaction. He’s not too proud to admit that the sci-fi rain is the detail that really makes it. Bucky looks absorbed again, this time in his book, and the truth is, Steve wants him back.

“So, you live…?” He trails off, unsure where he wants to take the sentence now Bucky’s eyes are on him again. “Nearby?” Bucky offers when Steve fails to finish. “Alone?” he adds as an alternative in a low, teasing voice. Steve ducks his head. He knows he’s blushing a little under the attention. He’s waiting for the guy to notice, to drop the flirty banter and the punch line, and leave with the half eaten pastry. Instead Bucky is tucking a strand of hair behind his ear and he almost looks a bit charmed. Steve watches Bucky’s fingers run through his hair again, then follows the sweep of his cheek back to his eyes. They’re bluer now. It could be the bright beam of sun cracking through the clouds, but it could equally be mischief. Steve finds himself moving to adjust the gray-blue orb on his screen; he’s going to need a shade from somewhere amongst the palettes he’s previously used for Mediterranean seas and butterfly wings.

Meanwhile, he still hasn’t finished that damn sentence. “Whatever you want to tell me,” he shrugs with a crooked smile to match, “I could be anyone.”

“Or someone,” Bucky says, flicking his eyes up to meet Steve’s with an air of punctuation. Bucky closes his teeth down on his lip, and Steve feels the sharp pinch as he mirrors the action. “I live two blocks from here.” “Cool.” Bucky grins through a squint, playfully mocking. “Very cool.”

Steve rolls his eyes, for lack of something smoother to do, and Bucky laughs.

“It’s really nothing,” Bucky continues, rubbing his knuckles along the scruff of his jaw. “An empty shell and a pretty shitty one at that. I need to get furniture. I don’t even think I actually packed coffee so my conscience can rest easy.” Steve feels himself staring, watching the way Bucky smiles, devil may care, and how he stretches his arm over the back of the chair, shirt fabric stretching even more. He wants to kiss him, wonders what it would feel like to help that shirt out a little. Thinks that maybe the daydream of holding Bucky’s weight to a wall with his hips as they moan into each others’ mouths is the hottest thought he’s ever had. Opposite him, Bucky remains unkissed, picking up stray sugar crystals from the rim of his mug with a tongue moistened fingertip and delivering them into his mouth. He doesn’t even seem to realize he’s doing it. Steve gapes while a whole new daydream gatecrashes his mind. Steve needs to occupy himself before he loses it completely. As he slides across the bench, Bucky startles.

“Cutting out on our date?” “Call me old school, but this isn’t what I’d call a date.” Bucky leans back, all broad shoulders and sunshine smiles. “What would you call it?” “An embarrassing misunderstanding.” “The start of every good rom-com,” Bucky intones. Steve sucks on his cheeks to keep his lips from curling with amusement, and pulls his face into an expression of disagreement. “You witnessed it too, right?” He bends to grab his wallet and hide his smile. “I’m getting another drink.” “Cappuccino, please,” Bucky orders casually. Steve looks at him incredulously. “I’ll take a muffin with that.” “Will you?” Steve challenges. Part of him is tempted to tell Bucky to get his own coffee just to be a jerk, but he genuinely likes the guy. “Eat in or takeout?” He tries to hide any inflection that might expose his preference either way. “Well your stuff’s still on my jacket so I guess it depends on what you’re doing,” Bucky smirks, shameless about his lack of subtlety.

Steve turns to the counter with a smirk of his own. The queue is clear when he gets to the till. Wanda is leaning on the worktop, chin in hand, following Steve’s progress as if she’s been watching their table for far too long. Her knowing smile says it all.

Steve sighs. “He told you didn’t he?”

Her lips turn down in a parody of sympathy for approximately two seconds before they curl back up again. “Seriously, Steve. Since when do we offer table service?”

“I know, I know,” he groans. He feels like he’s trying to convince himself as much as Wanda.

Her low giggle follows her as she moves to start the drinks, but she still glances over her shoulder especially to tell him, “We could have a lot of fun with this.”

He tries for his best deadpan tone when he says, “We could, but let’s not.”

She turns her delighted grin back to the milk.

With Wanda busy, Steve finds his gaze pulled back towards the window, drawn by the gravity of one particular booth where a shock of morning sun has barged through the storm clouds to frame Bucky’s shoulders and spill in his hair.

Steve sucks in a breath. There’s an easy way out if he wants it, but he’s not really one for easy.

Steve returns to the table with fire in his belly and a decision made.

As he approaches, Bucky looks up and around quickly, hair flicking away from his face with a little whoosh. Steve can’t help wondering what it would look like fanned out on his pillow.

Steve puts a takeout cappuccino in front of him with one hand and holds out his leather jacket with the other.

Bucky’s brow flickers into a frown, eyebrows drawing in because he thinks this is his cue to leave. He blinks like he’s startled and disappointed and trying not to show it. It’s obvious he’s wondering whether he’s misread this entire encounter. Steve doesn’t like being on the instigating end of that look. “Figured if you wanted some help unpacking those boxes, we better get the drinks to go,” he says, lifting his own takeout cup. Bucky’s frown wavers, transforms into another full beam smile; the best yet. “You can help?” “I think I can lift a few boxes,” Steve says, tilting his head and his smile. Bucky skips the obvious joke about Steve’s bulk, doesn’t even look him up and down, and Steve’s impressed. “Nah, I meant because of your deadline.” “I, uh, actually finished the job,” and yeah, Steve’s a little bit shocked himself. He opens his mouth to speak again, words ready and willing to help him dig his grave, possibly force a foot in there too. “You umm, helped. You know… inspiration.” He pauses, can’t look in Bucky’s direction because nothing good will come of him seeing Steve blush. “Or something,” he adds, before clearing his throat. Bucky doesn’t laugh like Steve thought he might. His voice is still playful, but softer, when he says, “Does that make me your muse?” Steve groans, follows the grooves of his cardboard cup with a finger to stop himself reaching over the table. “Thanks for making this infinitely worse. Do you want my help or not? I’ll unpack anything but your underwear,” he jokes. “I don’t wanna sort through that box.” “You might when you see what’s in it,” Bucky purrs with a filthy grin.

Mind tripping happily, Steve finds he doesn’t actually want to argue with that.

“Sorry, should strangers not say things like that?” Bucky teases.

Steve’s lips are happy to play out a responding grin. “Shut up, Bucky, we’re going.”

The way Bucky rushes to his feet makes Steve laugh all the way out the door.

#hope this makes you smile lovely #because you deserve it #and hope everyone else enjoys it too :)#stevexbucky #stucky #my fic #my writing

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perpetuallyphantasizing · 6 years

Text

North and South of Happy (Chapter 3)

Summary: There’s no point in sugar-coating it. Dan will be dead in ten months, twelve if he is lucky. Even though he may be dying that doesn’t mean Dan doesn’t want to achieve his life goals. Dan’s life goals? Fining his point of existence and falling in love.

Word Count: 4.594

Warnings: depression, disease, death

Chapter 3/? masterlist

A/N: I wrote this like 8 months ago so I’m sorry if there are any typos or if it sucks

Song: Force of Nature- Bea Miller

Dan POV

There is only one class that me and my four other friends have together and that is English, Louise and Phil’s favorite subject. Although English is quite possibly my worst subject I still enjoyed the class, partially because the books we read are always fascinating and well-written, but mainly because I have all of my closest friends sitting within an arm’s distance from me. That being said, today I feel like utter shit. As the day has been progressing I’ve begun to feel worse and worse and I started a mental countdown of the minutes until I have to rush out of the room to get sick, something I really didn’t want to do in this class. None of my friends know that I’m sick and I know that they would be worried if I spontaneously “got the flu” after a nearly unimaginable lack of flu and colds this school year.

My worries were cut short when I felt my stomach lurch before tieing a knot of my intestines. Other than the whole dying thing, the nausea that comes with this illness has to be the worst part. As the rest of the classroom continued on, unaware of the inner turmoil I was experiencing, I grabbed at my stomach and laid my head in my hands to try to make the sickening feeling go away, even if it was only temporarily. If I could just breath and focus on the dotted carpet below me, then maybe I could make it through the rest of the hour. Staring down at the patterned, filth ridded ground before me I could feel my head begin to pound against my skull until I could hardly maintain my even breathing. My brain felt as if it was a pinball bouncing from thing to thing in an arcade game. The pain in my head was becoming too much, my breathing picking up as I tried desperately to control the contents of my stomach, my concious lost all concept of time and I couldn’t tell if a minute was actually a second or an hour. My stomach did another backflip and I whimpered slightly at my predicament.

Surprising me half to death, I felt a warm hand place itself on my shoulder causing my whole body to lurch forward from the shock. Springing forward, the contents of my stomach did a somersault and I placed my hand in front of my mouth in one quick motion to keep myself from throwing up on my desk. There is no possible way that this day can turn out okay.

Of course Phil being the obviously concerned friend he normally is, replaced his hand that had previously been on my back and began rubbing small circles to soothe me. “Dan?” Phil whispered under his breath so that our teacher couldn’t hear, “Are you okay? Do you need me to take you to the nurse?”

Too focused on not vomiting in front of all my classmates as well as my friends and crush, I ignored Phil’s question and tried repeatedly to return to my regulative breathing patterns. I continued to ignore Phil’s intruding questions, scared of what would happen if I were to open my mouth. In hindsight I should have excused myself to the restroom fifteen minutes ago when I felt the nausea creeping upon me, but I haven't always been the brightest. I felt Phil remove his hand from my back, allowing me to somehow relax that he was no longer touching my shaking body, and also sigh at the loss of contact. The contents of my stomach continued to violently attack my body with not foreseeable future of a surrender.

The panic that continued to grow with every passing second refused to sway ground, my mind a relentless launcher of “what if’s?” towards my already nervous anxiety. By this point all my senses seemed muted and I was unaware of what was happening around me. The voice of my teacher sounded as if she was speaking on the other side of an insulated wall and the normal stench of the slightly moldy classroom was only a memory of my entry to the classroom. The lights in the room all seemed to be fogged around the edges, like that of looking at a street lamp through a frosty window. The only real thing that I could bring myself to focus on was the air that blew down from the vent directly above me, cooling me in my heated panic.

With minutes ticking by and my body still refusing to stand down from the attack it was conducting I had no idea what to do. At this point I had given up all hope of my stomach easing itself back into peaceful waters and staying in class, I needed to go to the nurse or to the bathroom, but the trust I have in my legs is very little. Just the thought of walking made my stomach increase its continual swirling, my insides feeling like a running washing machine.

“Dan?” I heard the soft voice and looked slightly to my right to see Chris peering down at me, his face etched with concern and pity. I blinked sluggishly at the brown haired boy and the worry deepened in the wrinkles of his face.

“Dan come on, you need to go to the nurse, I’ll take you.” Chris must have known that anything too loud would only make the situation worse because he used a soft whisper to talk, despite the fact that I didn’t think he had a whisper voice.

I reluctantly nodded my head at Chris’s statement and stood up for my friend to walk me to the nurse. I always thought it was pointless to have one kid assist another to the nurse, but as my legs wobbled under my wasteland of a torso I understood why. Once I stood up Chris could see my knees bend and my back slouch at the effort and concentration it took to stand while not puking all over the classroom. Gingerly, Chris placed his arm around my waist and began walking towards the door, giving my body a small pull to get me to move. Right before we were to exit the classroom I turned my head as far as it would go with my head pounding and saw the worried understanding on our teacher’s face, the curiosity on my peers’ faces, and of course the worry of my friends. Chris opened the door and dragged me out into the silent hall.

“Dan what is going on? Are you okay? Do you just feel like you are going to be sick?” Contrary to what I thought earlier it seemed as if Christ didn’t understand the silence I was in need of as he rattled off question after question.

“Can we just go to the nurse first?”

At my words Chris immediately nodded his head and we began our walk, or if you are me it was more of a long trek, to the nurse. My best friend continued to support me from the waist as we made our way past empty hallways and busy classrooms. Thankfully, Chris didn’t try to make any more conversation, or ask any more questions, as my head was still aching, my stomach still twisting, my breathing still uneven, and my anxiety only slightly subsiding.

The walk to the nurse’s office on the other side of the school was like a hike through a mountainous terrain and I could feel my lack of breath due to my extreme unfitness paired with my crippling anxiety. Walking into the nurse’s office, Chris sat me down on one of the cots and went on a search for the nurse. It was only after Chris walked into Mrs. Hoffman’s office and some hushed whispering that I was greeted by the smiling lady who was known for handing out an absurd amount of mints during finals week.

“So Dan, what seems to be the problem?”

I snuck a glance at Chris to see if he was planning on staying against the wall next to my cot or if he was going to go back to class, but from the looks of it he wasn’t going anywhere at all.

“I feel really nauseous and my head feels like it’s about ready to pound out of my skull.” I said, surprised by my own vivid description despite the fact that it felt like I was getting ready to die.

Mrs. Hoffman approached my cot and, without much warning, placed the back of her hand against my forehead. “You are showing signs of having a temperature, possibly even the flu, let me take your temperature.”

Had nobody told the school nursel that I was fucking dying? Is that something you are supposed to share with the school?

Just the thought of telling the nurse had my head spinning in circles, not helping the preexisting pain whatsoever. I thought through my options of what to do, considering just letting the nurse do her thing or telling her that there was no point in marking me down as having the flu, nausea and headaches just kind of come with the whole death thing.

I was broken from my train of thought as a thermometer with a cold, plastic cone piece was stuck into my ear. Silence filled the room as all three of us waited to see what the thermometer would say, only I knew that it was likely to come back as a normal body temperature. The device in my ear, tickling it every so slightly, beeped and Mrs. Hoffman pulled it out to look at it and sigh. “You don’t have a fever so you must have a minor cold or something of the sort.” The tall blonde paused for a second before asking again, “Can you think of any other reason why you might have these symptoms?”

I refused to tell the nurse about my condition to an unknowing Chris so I played dumb as a bat and shook my head no. “Can I stay here for a while though? I still feel as if I might get sick, and I’d really rather not go back to class.”

“Of course! That is completely fine!” Mrs. Hoffman exclaimed as if she was excited for the company that would be in her presence for a while, I hope she knows that I won’t exactly be up for holding a conversation. “Just let me go fill out your report and get you some ibuprofen for your headache.”

“Okay.” I responded simply.

As soon as the nurse was back in her office, with the door mostly closed, Chris came to sit down next to me on the cot, both of us leaning back against the beige wall. I could tell from the creases in his face that my friend still had some questions, he was most likely worried that the reason for my sudden downfall of health was my anxiety.

“So did you really just start feeling bad, or are you sick for some other reason?”

“I don’t really know, I guess it just happens sometimes, it’s fine though. Thanks for bringing me here by the way, I kind of needed to go the nurse, but I just felt really bad, you know?” I peered at Chris to see if he understood anything that I just said and he seemed to get the majority of what I was saying, however there remained a layer of confusion upon Chris’s features.

“So why didn’t you come to the nurse with Phil when he offered?”

“What?” I said, attempting to avoid the question. The real reason I had ignored Phil was because I didn’t want my crush to have to deal with me when I was feeling bad, but there wasn’t a good way that I could explain that to my best friend sitting next to me.

“Well Phil saw that you weren’t looking your best and offered to take you to the nurse,” Chris nodded his head towards Mrs. Hoffman’s office, “But you didn’t seem to respond to him so he asked me to talk to you.”

Rather than showing any sort of understanding of what Chris was saying I stared straight ahead at a “Effects of Drugs on the Body” poster in front of me. For some odd reason Chris’s words felt like an interrogation, and while my stomach had subsided its twisting and knotting significantly I still felt as if the truth Chris was in search for could make me vomit on the plain tiles before me.

“I don’t really know, I was just really out of it I guess.”

“Okay, as long as you are okay? Are you okay Dan?”

“Yeah I’m fine.” Lies, I was telling lies.

I heaved a sigh of relief when the nurse returned from her office with some pills and a look at Chris as if to ask “what are you still doing here?”

“Chris you should probably go back to class.” I told him with a straight face, my eyes still trained on the pale wall in front of me. “Thanks for bringing me here, and for looking after me. Tell Phil that I said thanks, and I’m sorry too please.” I said with more emotion in my voice, finally looking up to meet his hazel eyes.

“Okay I will.”

Chris gave me one final smile and left the room, the sound of a door swinging closed an indicator to his departure. After he left Mrs. Hoffman proceeded to give me the pills she was holding in her hand and a cup, she then pointed in me in the direction of the water fountain that was only about ten feet away. “Let me know if you need anything else, otherwise you can just lay down and rest on the cot.”

Once I shuffled my way over to the water fountain and then swallowed my pills I found myself standing in the wide doorway of Mrs. Hoffman’s office.

“Mrs. Hoffman can I go home please?”

Turning around in her desk chair, the nurse looked at me with a sympathetic look, “Are you feeling that bad?”

“Just trust me when I say that I need to go home.” I practically begged, “Please.”

“Okay, let me just call your parents so one of them can come pick you up.”

“Thank you.” I responded simply.

. . .

When I first heard the doorbell ring I wasn’t expecting it to be for me. While I did hang out with friends a lot of the time, very rarely did they show up unexpected with gifts of cookies and candy.

“Dan! Chris and Phil are here to see you! Is it okay if they come up?” I heard my mom shout from the bottom of the stairs.

Despite the fact that I was utterly exhausted due to the my ill feelings earlier in the day, I couldn’t exactly order my friends to go home. Even if I did ask my friends to leave I knew my mom would scold me for turning away friends, when my months left with them were numbered.

“Yeah that’s fine!” I shouted back as loud as I could with my frail voice.

From my bed I could hear the shuffling of feet inside the door and greetings from both my friends any my mother, my mom seeming very excited that the two boys had decided to come see me after I had been sent home earlier today. It was only a few short minutes later when Chris and Phil scuttled into the room. With Chris taking a seat on the floor, Phil lunged for the hammock that I had hanging from the ceiling, his favorite place to sit whenever he came over to my house. Chris allowed only a few awkward moments of silence before he cleared his throat and began the conversation.

“So are you feeling any better Dan? You looked pretty out of it today in English and at the nurse’s office.”

I could tell from the way that Chris had delivered his words that he was trying to make light of the situation, something which I was grateful for. “Haha, thanks Chris, I know that I looked like shit, I still kind of do to be honest.”

Phil perked up at my comment about myself. “You look great, you’re glowing.”

“Is he pregnant?” Asked Chris as if he was actually quite curious about my answer I was going to give.

“No I’m not pregnant, and in all seriousness I’m feeling much better.”

“I’m glad to hear that.” Phil said genuinely, with his sunshine of a smile.

I turned my gaze towards Phil and took a moment to study his features. Phil truly is beautiful, from his clear, pale skin to his striking eyes, I couldn’t help but get lost in his soft features. Phil was quite honestly bright enough to be a star, always shining and twinkling for others to watch him, something entirely his own, but in the most dazzling way. I was interrupted from my star-gazing, as Phil’s pools of crystal blue met mine and I watched as he smiled delicately. I was utterly transfixed by my friend, the knowledge that Chris was saying something in the back of my mind, but unimportant due to the boy sitting in front of me. Just as I was about to turn my head, still being uncomfortable with long periods of eye contact, I caught Phil wink in my direction and then return the same smile he had been wearing just a few short seconds before. What was that about? It was so unlike Phil to wink at me, or anybody for that matter.

“Dan! Phil! Are either of you listening to me?” Chris almost yelled, seeming genuinely annoyed at Phil and I’s lack of participation in the conversation. “Can you guys pay attention to my story for Christ sakes!”

Turning our heads at the same time, Phil and I looked at each other with a look of fear and began laughing as we turned to face where Chris was sat on the floor. “Okay we’re listening, I’m sorry Chris.” I apologized, as Chris was more likely to take the apology sincerely from me than Phil.

“As I was saying, I am seriously concerned for the mental health of Mr. Lamon, he legitimately thought that penguins were mammals and this guy has a masters degree!”

“Mr. Lamon is a bit of an airhead to be honest.” Phil responded in order to keep Chris happy, something to which I was thankful.

While I loved Chris deeply I was really wishing that it was only Phil sitting in my room and telling stories. My emotional and physical health really didn’t feel adequate for forced interaction, and to be quite honest all I really wanted to do was talk to Phil about the kid in my math class who outed himself today. Incapable of forcing myself to engage in the conversation I felt myself begin to drift off towards thoughts of my friends, and if today would have been easier had they known that I’m dying. At what point do I tell my friends that next year won’t be something I get to experience? Surely if I could tell anybody I could tell my best friend, but that hardly seemed right in this situation. Even if I am to consider telling any of my four friends I couldn’t imagine which it would be easiest to tell, which one I’m closest to in order to disclose that information.

When it comes to best friends it can be difficult because between all four of my friends I feel closer to each of them in a different way. I suppose Phil was the person I always went to talk about anything that’s taboo or things regarding sexuality, considering he’s questioning his own and my other friends aren’t nearly as comfortable with the topic. I loved Phil to death, quite obviously, he is sweet, caring, funny, smart, and overall an amazing person, but yet he isn’t afraid to validate my hatred for a few select people when I need him to. Then there is PJ, who although is probably my most supportive friend, doesn’t always connect with me on my crippling social anxiety traits. PJ is such a fun person to be around and incredibly caring, but the difference between PJ and the rest of my friends is that PJ doesn’t mind meeting new people and socializing while the rest of us would rather stay in our beds than go to a party. As far as Louise, I love her more than I think I realize, I value our deep conversations and ability to talk about anything and get along to an extent that most would never understand, however there are simply some things that I can not share with Louise. Finally there is Chris, the one person I would have to call my best friend. Chris and I relate in a way that I don’t think either of us, or anybody else will ever understand, we might be considered polar opposites but we have enough in common and love each other enough to fully appreciate the other to their full potential. It’s the three am conversations, and our ability to text for the entire day without getting tired of each other, that I value so much in our friendship. I know for a fact that Chris would do anything in the world for me, and I of course would return the favor. It is the deep friendship I hold with Chris, and Chris’s saddening story of his mother that keeps me from telling my friends that I’m dying. How would somebody ever tell their best friend that the same illness that stole their mother away from them is now stealing their best friend, it seems impossible.

As if being ripped away from a movie, I felt myself flash back to reality due to a screaming Chris. “Daniel James Howell! Can you not keep a conversation?” Chris said, his face close enough to mine that I could feel the air from his words vibrating against my cheeks. Despite his antics to get me to talk I still struggled to pull myself back to reality and the room I was sitting in at the moment. In a much calmer voice this time, Chris asked, “Dan are you okay?”

It was at this point that I was able to regain control over my body and acknowledge the two friends sitting in front of me. “I’m fine, just tired to be honest.”

“Are you sure that that’s all that’s wrong?” Phil piped in. I couldn’t help but read Phil’s tone of voice as accusing, making me nervously look up at him. How in the world could Phil have found out about my nearing death?

“Yeah, I’m fine.” I jutted out defensively. Realizing my mistake, I made an attempt at compensating for the obvious anxiety in my voice, “Well I mean I kind of still have a headache so Chris’s screaming isn’t helping that at all.” Just to ease the tension in the room I shot Chris a mockingly, accusatory glare from my place on my bed.

“Sorry.” Chris said in a timid voice.

“It’s okay.”

A silence seemed to fall over the three of us as if we had all forgot about the other breathing bodies in the room. I could only imagine what was running through Phil’s mind by this point, he so clearly knows that something is wrong, Chris on the other hand seemed slightly oblivious, or at least he was a state where he didn’t see the need to intervene quite yet. While I sometimes wished that my friends would settle for a silent room, opposed to constant talking, I could feel the silence eating away at my control over my anxiety. These are my friends and yet I still felt slightly nervous about what could happen in the next few moments. The quiet of the room seemed to be soaking into the walls and the furniture around us until everything was buzzing, my ears not being able to handle the lack of sound.

“So did I miss anything important today in English?” I spoke up, being rather blunt with my words.

My bland question seemed to break my friends out of the spell that had seemed to overtaken them, and they automatically glanced at each other before nodding and their heads. Weird.

“You didn’t miss much, just something boring probably.” Phil sighed.

I looked to Chris to get a better description of the hour I had missed, but was met with him shrugging his shoulders. “Don’t look at me, I spent most of class at the nurse with you.”

“I guess you’re right, I’ll just talk to her tomorrow to see if there is anything I need to make up.”

The blanket of silence seemed to fall over the three of us again and I felt as if I might implode if somebody didn’t speak the fuck up. Thankfully Chris unlocked his phone to look at the time and seemed to make a fake gasp. “It’s nearly six o’clock and I have at least four hours of history to do, I better get going, see you later Dan, and I hope you get start feeling better.”

I snorted at Chris’ words, they were so incredibly fake and he must have known that I knew he was just putting on an act, although I knew the act was only in my interest as he could see that I am tired. “You say that as if I’m a dying relative that you don’t actually want to see.” I only stopped for a second when I realized what I had said, quickly picking my sarcasm back up so that neither of my two friends would notice my realization. “I’ll text you later tonight you dingus.”

“Okay.” Chris only chuckled as he walked out of the door and down the stairs of my home.

Phil and I both waited until we heard Dan bid farewell to my mother and close the front door to begin talking ourselves. I got up off my spot on the bed and closed the door, there was no reason that my family needed to hear me telling Phil the story of Jonathan outing himself during math today. As I was up closing the door Phil seemed to have taken it upon himself to move over the spot opposite of what I had previously been sitting on my bed. Sitting next to Phil I pulled out a blanket from the chest beside the bed and tossed it over to Phil, also pulling myself one out as well.

“You look like you have been itching to tell me something ever since I walked through your door, so spill.” Phil spoke in a commanding voice, or as commanding as Phil could sound.

“How did you know that I had gossip to share?”

“Don’t try to deny the fact that we have very intense eye conversations Daniel.”

I laughed at Phil’s statement and simply nodded my head showing my appreciation to the truth behind his statement. I tried my best to keep from halting all conversation to admire the specks of varying color in Phil’s eyes as he seemed to intently stare at my flushed features. Knowing that if I didn’t stop myself now I was going to cross the line between platonic and romantic admiration I cleared my throat and began my story about Jonathan.

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#north and south of happy #phanfiction #phan au #fanfiction #fanfic #phan #phandom #perpetuallyphantasizing #dan and phil fanfiction

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