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seedleaflesssapling · 3 years

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Ver 2.0? Turning Point?

I can't really identify to which point in my life that i started to doubt myself but im pretty sure that it was because of UP. Damn, that school, my uni. It do really have the ability to make you feel small; i was in a disadvantaged side when i entered it, you know. I was acquainted, no we did not really talked one-on-one, but i heard when we did introductions - Pisay, UP High, science comprehensive schools, Xavier University, who wouldn't be intimidated by that when you came from Col. Ruperto Abellon National School (who would know where that is? I was lucky enough for a teacher recognized it and my classmates be like 'ahhhhhh,' .....really?! I dont even know where xavier is, it just sounds cool). Another thing is that, i wasn't a stem shs graduate - a leverage(?) or excuse (?) that i always use for them to know that i am at disadvantaged side here, not their competitor, probably a NOBODY. They, being stem graduates, have capstone projects you never thought that they have at that age, but i would hear them saying that it was publish in this journal (whatever, idk the journals lmao, i dont even understand their studies 2nd lmao, but that was some smart shit you know, a shit that makes me feel pathetic for being too proud of my what? Correlational study from inconsistent surveys?!!! Wtf, wtf, wtf). But it was a very good peer pressure you know, i kinda turned it that way. Being left behind, being on the rock bottom, i have no other place to go but up. It wasn't the goal, like making or taking the top spot, i just need to survive.

Inevitably, the exams came. I had hard time adjusting chem but math was kind to me. Who would have thought that i would get two 1.0 at my math subjects for the first semester, the sem that i thought i would barely pass. I was even a CS for that sem. Who would have thought? Our first chemical engineering subject that involves computations was on the list the next semester and the first exam, out of 100 i got something like 20ish. WTF. THAT WAS MY FIRST FAILED EXAM. but no, never did cry but tears were flooding inside. So apparently, i have to focus more on this subject and i did. Some were still failing, but i raised my average up. We also had physics, my first ever physics. I really love physics that time or that sir rommel is just a very good professor. I got the highest score on our second LE, everybody else did fail. Small victories. Not that they lose, but i just won. But i heard one time they were talking about me re: passing the physics exam and even getting a high score. They were uhm.. a guy i really look up to cause his good, the other was a girl that idk but i think she didn't like me back then. They were friends but eventually the girl transferred uni because who cares why. i heard the guy saying something like sin.o gid na si franklin nga taas iya score man, maybe even worse than that, i still look up to the guy even until now. But wtf. I really took it in that time, like i wanted to cry but did not. With all that, i got a fair grade at physics. I still got 1.0 at maths that sem and even maintained being on the CS list. S M I L E. BECAUSE WE HAVE A MIDYEAR CLASS. VERY EXHAUSTING FOR SOMEONE WHO DONT WANT ANYTHING BUT JUST ADJUST, SURVIVE, AND FIND MEANING OF BEING A UP STUDENT. It was just one subject and it was math, but i got 2.0?!!! I have no excuse to that, i am very grateful for the family who accommodated me. After midyear class, i did got sick, it sucks, really sucks. I wanted to file an LOA for the next academic year, it is the only thing i can think of for me to go back on track (i haven't said that my parents pushed me to graduate with latin honor and i wanted to also for my resume to look good because everything else in me is effed up). I really wanted to pause and be free for a while but i also wanted to graduate on time (mostly because i want to give the bitches who dared to have expectations be put on my shoulders not the satisfaction, but the audacity to tell them 'i aint did it for ya') so i asked mama. THANK GOD, SHE DID SAY NA KUNG ANO LANG KAYA MO, AMO LANG DA IH 😭😭🤧🤧 so i enrolled, but went to school late, haven't attended the school opening but all is good. I did kind of reset, just enough for me to face school again.

Second year, it was fucked. I did really love coding on octave and doing sheets at ms excel though. On that year, we have formed the che 103 bagsak group. Together with two of my classmates on 103 and math 55, we became buddies after failing che 103 on the first LE, another 30 over 100 exam hahahahaha. We made bawi just enough for us to pass the subject hahahahahuhu. I have thermodynamics sub, i barely pass. Thank G na wala ko nag removal. If ever i did, i am so sure that i wont make it. My GWA for that sem was not enough for me to be a CS. Who cares? I still did, actually but mama was never been too pushy since then, even since after midyear, after getting that 2.0 grade from the only subject i am good at. Btw, my math 55 for first sem, second year, was 1.25. Not a 1.0 but still, it's good. Second semester that year was when pandemic hit so there's nothing much to tell. I was, sorry but i was really, glad to be away from school for a while, not until for a while became forever. Virtual university set-up was very hard. With too much from taking in whatever i see and hear on my surroundings, even just at home, everything is difficult. It is very hard to find motivation and discipline in studying when i was surrounded with people who do nothing. Even to this point i am writing, everyday is like a battle, but is mostly an internal one. Self vs self, a war no one knows who will win. So the confidence, the tower of knowledge i did build, exponentially went down. I did really well when i was in grade 10, i did my best that time and it can be seen at the achievements i had that year. Being consistently on top 1 the whole year, placing second on division MMC (even getting the highest score on the written elimination round for the whole cluster), doing well sa physics under maam andico, placings on cluster journalism competitions - it was like a record best, best record (?) Whatever. But it wasn't enough you know, i eventually came fourth like wtf. I had read from somewhere Newton saying like the two years when he did write the three laws of motion and the calculus stuff were the two best years of his life, and it kept me thinking that what if mine already passed? That it was when i was in high school?

But, back when i was in school, every time that i was belittling myself or even at random times that i would feel nervous for nothing, my classmates and close friends would say na:

Uno mo man ang Math, uno mo na na (it was a one or two time thing, what if chamba lang to???)

Ikaw man highest sa first le sa thermo (it was really an absolutely one time thing, i barely passed that sub)

Alam ka man sa physics (i was just invested on physics and maybe nachambahan lang na ang ginpractice ko solve kay parallel sa exam ni sir)

Alam ka, d ka lang confident (OKAY???!)

I was ignoring those shit cause who cares if i did really good that time. Yeah, it felt good but it wasn't fulfilling. Satisfied but not happy. But with recent events, i think i would be changing. This post will be a written contract that i will push to be better, to start trusting myself, and build that confidence glow behind me; to believe that i am bright and i can hack it, whatever it may be.

For coherence, i would itemize na lang all of the events that brought me to epiphany lol

It was Friday, 17 Sep, when Dean, in our plant design subject, gave an activity for us - to come up with solutions that would address problems he presented. 1 off grid island community (either you address the water, electricity, and phone reception/signal problem under a 100k budget) and 2 vinegar packaging with a 500 mL volume and should cost less than the cost of vinegar. The due's on Monday, 20 Sep. The challenge is that you should come up with an idea that is not the same with those who already turned in their proposed solutions. I haven't turned in mine until Sunday afternoon. We are 23 in class, hence there should be 23 proposed solutions for each problem. However, only 20 or 21 turned in their solutions and as a student who decided to do it three days after the sheet was given, i was at the second to the last of the entries hahaha. I have limited choice since a lot have been proposed. And ngl, i did entered my idea for the first problem at Sunday evening and for the second problem it was on the afternoon of the next day. Those were basic solutions cause who am I? Am just your basic guy.

Tuesday, 21 Sep (#NeverForget #NeverAgain), class again for plant design (PD). Dean discussed stuffs which im ngl, i did not listen because im bored (not until he said 'we'll have a 5-min break and we'll have a quiz after that' like wtf, how will we do our quiz???!). After the short break, I did study cause i panicked as hell, he presented the prospects of the course, that we will be divided in groups and that the leaders were chosen based on the solutions they turned in the activity previously given. So there's no quiz, i was calm the whole time after that until my name was called. Like wtf??! Your basic guy will be a leader???! Hello!!! So i chat people, asked them if it was a good thing (course it was!!!? So dumb right?!). And then, i asked another leader and she agreed to my argument that we should only be divided into six instead of seven as what dean has decided. So i chatted dean (pic below). I just accepted the role half-heartedly.

As leaders, we should be hiring people for our team and we should make pubs. I dont have a canva account to help me do pubs. I made mine at MS ppt HAHAHAHAHAHA but im good so its cute. We were assigned with projects and i get to have the 4-member team. The vacant roles were project maven and liaison officer for a 3-member team. In my pubs, i included scrummaster as position to be filled, cause who am i to lead?! So yeah, that's it. I did the pubs Wednesday and I submitted my resume Thursday (third to the last hahahaha but my resume's cute hahaha).

Thursday. So i had this invite by a classmate to join the Shell event long time ago. He was reaching out for someone to ask Dean for his approval because Dean did not replied to the email he sent. So, i volunteered. I really want this competition cause this will be my first and maybe last competition as a UP student. So i DMed dean and blah blah blah he asked for selection process. I relayed the message and apologize to them for being me because i was thinking that it was me who made him come up with the decision of having the team be selected. Like, wtf i was just asking for his approval. Getting kicked out of the team was not my intention. Those whom i chatted that night were telling me that it wasn't my fault blah blah blah. So i half-heartedly agreed to them.

Friday came, yesterday, the interview. I am very anxious for someone who will be the one asking the applicants lmao. I already have been interviewed before for college applications and somehow remember the feeling, nerve wracking, whatever. To calm my nerves, i listed questions which i never got to ask properly btw, but at least i have concrete ideas on what to ask. The first interviewee was my very closed friend and so we just laugh and laugh and laugh HAHAHAHAHA. IDK if dean saw it but who cares. And the next and next and next. 3:30 passed by fast and guess what??? YOUR BASIC GUY HAS THE MOST NUMBER OF APPLICANTS TO THE POINT THAT DEAN CUT MY LIST. IT WAS EXHAUSTING BUT VERY FLATTERING. I FEEL SO HONORED. i really thought and very scared at the thought that no one will apply to me but wtf, just wtf. Ranking my applicants was damn hard. 1 i have a dream team but one was cut by dean; 2 this could make my friends mad; 3 this will be the group for the whole year; 4 i am really exhausted. But still, i submitted the list. I was hoping for the people i chose to choose me back. Only two out of three did, i am forever grateful.

Still on Friday, the classmate who invited me to the Shell thing and Dean had a zoom call and discussed about the competition. That classmate told dean what i told him the other day that i might be the reason for the decision of having the selection process done. He told me this through a voice memo, katamad daw magtype. A voice message that i played over and over again. Dean actually find me interesting (?), Invested (?) Idk exactly but the classmate told me na 'may nakikita daw talaga sya sayo. Na grabe ka ka-practical as a person like yung ideas mo daw sa plant design napakasimple lang pero napaka practical to the point daw na madami nag apply sayo kanina. And then, you need more confidence lang daw talaga' so ig, you basic guy is a practical guy now. It's just flattering.

Now, whatever happens, i must meet those expectations right? This could be a lousy motivation but what is if there's none? I dont know why im writing this. I just thought i should get my thoughts out. Ver 2.0? Turning point? Let's just do good 😌

PS I put this on my bio on FB, guess im getting more public, and if you happened to read this because you saw the link on my bio, send me a message about you thoughts.

PPS if your initials are JTZC, these have been my week and i miss you even though you're not interested in me anymore, you are hard to forget

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artificialqueens · 7 years

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Chapter Two: We'll Show Them-Luci

an: here’s chapter two! sorry for the lack of writing, I have to get through a fair few exams this summer! I’ll be able to write more now though, since I’m only in school for a few hours a day (yes, I’m writing instead of revising but that’s not important) hope you like it

summary: Alexis’s concern leads to Sasha questioning the blurring lines of her relationship with Shea as she fights to save her damaged reputation

The rain from the night before had refused to clear up in the morning and, after a motivational cappuccino before leaving, Sasha ran out into the busy streets to catch the bus waiting for its passengers. The bus journey wasn’t long, but it provided enough time for Sasha to watch raindrops race down the window. She made a mental note to paint a picture from this perspective of the weather. Sasha had never been a fan of rain, whether she was trapped in it or not, but she knew Shea loved watching the rain from the safety of indoors.

The bus had dropped her off around the corner, a dreaded ten minute walk away from the office building she needed to reach. Sasha huffed; focusing her eyes in the direction of her destination. She’d hoped that the rain would have calmed down by the time she’d been forced to walk in it, but she was wrong.

Her ivory shirt, ironed and pressed, clung to her dampening body. Two stains on her collar, one rose pink and the other mint green, had proven almost impossible to wash no matter how many times she’d put them through the washing machine. The acrylic paint from the previous night had gotten onto her laundry and, running out of her trusty acetone; she was forced to deal with her co-workers’ inevitable stares. They knew way too much about her artist alter ego from just her clumsiness. Alternative to fixing the stains, Sasha strategically placed two pins over the stains. One was a greyhound and the other was a vegan slogan she’d been handed on the street, ‘animals aren’t ingredients’.

Sasha shielded the papers in her arms from the rain, hoping she wouldn’t smudge the ink. The rain was worsening, and Sasha struggled to avoid the puddles in her heels. She waited for the cars to slow down for her so she could cross the busy road. The cars didn’t slow down for her; instead they drove faster so they didn’t have to make eye contact with the shaking woman. Eventually, a taxi took pity on her and stopped, allowing her to stumble towards her building. As she crossed, a car pulled up beside her, the splash of a puddle almost ruining her light shirt. The figure ran over to Sasha, holding out a red umbrella over her hair, saving her flattening curls from the cruel rain.

“Thanks.” Sasha spoke breathlessly, blinking rain out of her eyes so that she could see the stranger who had become her knight in shining armour. She noticed, after seeing the dark eyes looking down at her, which her saviour wasn’t a stranger at all. Shea held up the umbrella so it covered Sasha’s soaked frame. Shea seemed to be reasonably dry but the rain was ruining the left side of her black and white blazer as she sacrificed the majority of the umbrella to Sasha.

“No problem, can’t have my favourite employee catching a cold, how boring would my job be then?” Shea greeted, rolling her eyes to put across her point.

Sasha gave Shea a grateful nod as she held the door of their building open, collapsing the umbrella before following Sasha into the hallway.

The gust of air from the central heating was a blessing to both women as they shivered at the reception desk. The door that held all the superiors’ offices behind it was pulled closed, a sign saying ‘MEETING IN PROGRESS’ placed in the centre. Sasha felt herself shrinking, as she imagined the meeting was probably discussing her fate. The public meeting was in a week; and if it didn’t go in her favour, Sasha knew she’d have to pick up the paint-covered newspaper she had led down in her house and search for a new job.

Shea had clearly noticed her discomfort because she moved a bit closer, frowning in concern. Sasha tried to flash a reassuring smile, but it came off as more of a grimace.

“It’s probably about the broken coffee machine, not you.” Farrah called from behind the desk, noticing the atmosphere in front of her. She had her elbow placed on the surface of the desk; her head rested in her hand. There were two pencils behind her ears, one stained with red lipstick from where she’d chewed it.

“Yeah, probably.” Shea agreed, leaning over to the desk to sign in for the day. Sasha did the same, thanking Farrah as she handed them the schedule for the day.

The stairs led down to the live room where both girls worked. They paused in the room before it, however, once they reached the base of the stairs. It was where Sasha tended to hide when things got too serious, namely when Alexis yelled at her for being too forthright. Shea was normally the one who had to bring her back before a show, so she was aware of all Sasha’s hiding places. It was why Sasha always lost when they played hide and seek in the office, usually with Farrah in first place since she was able to fit in the smallest of places.

They usually played it on the first Monday of each month, but often indulged if someone was having a particularly hard day, like when Alexis’s dog was having surgery. Even Alexis, the most sensible of them all, couldn’t resist running around like a child. That’s what Trinity had called them when she’d found them, saying she ‘hadn’t left her children at home to come to work and look after bigger, more stupid children’. She hadn’t tried to stop them, however. ��

“You’re alright, aren’t you?” Shea asked, hands on Sasha’s shoulder. She knew Sasha was worried about going live again, anticipating all the hate she is going to receive. Each negative comment means bad news for Sasha, as Trinity had said.

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll be fine. Nothing a block on Twitter won’t fix.” Sasha waved her hands in dismissal, smiling at Shea.

“When you call yourself a strong independent woman, you sure aren’t lying about the damn independent part. Just let me know if you need anything bitch.” Shea sighed, throwing up her arms dramatically. Sasha gave her a smug smile and sauntered through the doors into their office room.

It was much quieter than usual in the early mornings; the hive of activity had subsided until the upcoming live show was being directed. Sasha never liked being shouted at and Shea never liked being given orders, so neither woman enjoyed the time of day that introduced the producers and directors.

Sasha’s desk was exactly as she always left it, perfectly organised and colourful. She had sketchbooks piled in desk drawers and pots of pens and pencils of a variety of shades. Sasha had disregarded paperwork neatly on the edge of her desk, as if she was ready to push it into the recycling bin below at any second. She gave it side eye as she took a seat at her desk, sighing as she continued to procrastinate reading through everything.

“Did you guys have a nice kiss in the rain?” Alexis commented from the desk beside Sasha’s. She gritted her teeth as Alexis’s focus turned to Shea, who was being bombarded by questions from her employees.

“Shut up, Alexis.” Sasha mumbled; her mind blank of clever retorts. Alexis obviously noticed this, because she raised her eyebrow.

“I wonder who she’ll have secret rendezvous with when you don’t have a job.” Alexis mused maliciously. Sasha didn’t respond, she just balled up her fists and frowned in the direction of her computer screen.

“Hey, I didn’t mean to upset you. But if you don’t start thinking about how you act, you’re gonna end up where you don’t want to be.” Alexis shrugged, gesturing to the post-it note on top of Sasha’s pile of papers that read, ‘Sasha- public meeting @7:30 next Tuesday. Good Luck!! -Farrah’.

“Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean every woman I’m friends with is too. We’re friends; does that mean we’re in the midst of a secret gay romance?” Sasha tried to distract herself from the conversation by using jokes, but her usual comedic mask was torn off by Alexis’s stubborn need to argue. “The difference is that I have a boyfriend. You can’t deny that you would’ve been fired a long time ago if Shea didn’t think you were cute. I mean, you haven’t been on time since you’re second day. I’d say first but I’m pretty sure you turned up late then too.” Alexis spoke matter-of-factly.

“Shea isn’t that shallow.” Sasha argued, looking up towards Shea, who had just walked through the doors. She looked stressed, her eyebrows knitted together as she frowned.

“The fact is you’re not seeing the bigger picture. You choose each other or your careers.” Alexis finalised her point. Of course Alexis would reduce her friendship with Shea to some dramatic rom-com. Sasha watched her turn to another co-worker who needed her help with some files. Groaning, Sasha turned to her computer and clicked open the fifty pending emails flashing on her screen. Each less important than the one before it, Sasha flicked through them distractedly until she was called onto set by one of the directors.

She noticed Shea waiting for her, long legs crossed as she perched on the edge of the desk. Her heels tapped gently against the wood as she swung her legs. The head producer was talking to her, holding a clipboard close to his chest. Shea’s legs stopped their rhythmic motion when she noticed Sasha approach. She gave Sasha a pointed look and rolled her eyes in the direction of the producer. She clearly wasn’t listening to a word he was saying.

“Miss Velour, have a good show.” The producer nodded politely before walking away to talk to an equally as bored cameraman.

“Hey stranger, I haven’t seen you all day.” Shea hummed as Sasha pulled up a chair next to her.

“I know darling, that’s the price we have to pay when someone,” Sasha nodded pointedly at Shea, “is a successful business woman with meetings every hour.” Shea laughed and gave a smug grin.

“So, what was that about?” Sasha asked, looking towards the producer curiously. Shea shrugged dismissively.

“Oh, just wanted my ideas on a set change. Honestly, I’m pretty sure he just wants a chance to accidentally touch my ass. If he was being paid for flirting, he’d actually be good at his job.” Shea huffed, her voice laced with mirth.

Sasha hoped there were no physical signs of the sudden drop of her stomach. She looked up in surprise.

“Oh, did he ask you out?” Sasha asked, hoping she had managed to keep the tone of her voice consistent. Shea didn’t seem to notice either way.

“Oh please, he’s been asking me out for months, doesn’t mean I’m gonna say yes,” Shea answered, turning to look at Sasha, “besides, he isn’t exactly where I’m keeping my eye.”

Sasha’s lips separated slightly as she searched for something to say, but the shouts of directors and producers tore the pair apart as they were taken to their desk spaces.

The lights signalling quiet, we’re live blared above the camera and the two co-anchors prepared to read their Teleprompters.

“And now Alexis Michelle, discussing what happened when Trump arrived in Saudi Arabia, and we place our bets on how long it will take for him to get every country to hate him.” Shea grinned, pausing to let Sasha say her final lines.

Sasha was grateful when the cameras turned to Alexis, who perfectly delivered a story without even a pause of breath. Though she often lacked in charisma, Alexis was a talented newswoman, and Sasha wouldn’t be surprised if she was her replacement.

They went off air a while after, and both women were grateful for the chance to joke around again. They got told off for speaking too loudly, being shut out until filming was over and scolded, and Sasha was a repeat offender. Much to Shea’s amusement, Sasha found it extremely difficult to hold in jokes once she’d thought of them.

“Have you heard anything new from Trinity?” Shea asked, her legs swinging absentmindedly beneath the chair.

“Nah, I guess they’re waiting till Tuesday to tell me. It’s a bit cowardly, isn’t it? Keeping me in the dark. At least if they told me now that it’s not looking good, I could start finding a job. I’m sure that charming pub on the corner would hire me.” Sasha finished sarcastically, grimacing at the prospect of the cat calls and having shots spilt on her already paint stained clothes. Shea wrinkled her nose, reminded on the story she once reported on the drunken fights between Brooklyn men and invading neighbourhood raccoons.

“I won’t let you do that to yourself. You’d be a terrible barmaid; I’ve seen how many laptops you’ve destroyed. Spill resistant keyboard doesn’t mean half a cup of boiling coffee.” Shea laughed, placing a hand on Sasha’s shoulder in mock concern. Sasha pouted, remembering when she’d tripped and spilt a latte on her laptop and Farrah’s arm. The woman had whined for a week, mostly because the burn meant she couldn’t wear her favourite bracelets. Sasha would’ve made fun of her, but she felt she’d done enough damage.

“Yeah, you know, you’re probably right.” Sasha laughed, her hands covering her face in embarrassment.

“Now come on, sitting around here isn’t going to help you, let’s go home. It’s like seven, time for food.” Shea exclaimed, pointing to their co-workers that were beginning to leave. Sasha sighed loudly.

“I’m not hungry for dinner, I’m hungry for justice,” Sasha collapsed into her chair, limbs sprawled out in exasperation.

“You can’t fight social injustices on an empty stomach. Come on, I’ll take you to dinner.” Shea argue; pulling Sasha reluctantly to her feet.

Sasha was about to follow Shea absentmindedly, but she hesitated. Shea looked back in confusion. The change in tone had been a surprise to both of them. Sasha imagined a metaphorical Alexis sitting on her shoulder. To her heart, Alexis was the angel, but to her mind, she was the devil. One thing Sasha knew for sure was that, unfortunately, Alexis Michelle was right. If Sasha really did care about her career, she couldn’t throw it away on a date.

Sasha looked down at the floor, her eyes landing on the black leather of Shea’s heels. They were ambitiously tall, and Sasha suspected that she’d probably be taller than Shea if she’d stop wearing them. She’d tried to get Shea to wear flats, but to no avail. She liked having the edge. She felt smaller than usual standing in front of Shea as the woman waited for her answer. Sasha felt a pang in the pit of her stomach, but she couldn’t tell if it was regret or guilt. Possibly both.

“I’m sorry, Shea, but I can’t. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Sasha scurried away, trying her hardest not to look back. Shea watched her go, the offering of a lift home left as a breath on her lips.

#sasha velour #shea coulee #sashea #luci #au #rpdr fanfiction #wst by luci #lesbian au

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