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#i may still make lady d later today tho
rosetheex-editor · 5 months
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[Video transcript begin.]
[The transcript begins from a bedroom floor, someone can be heard hammering nails into something. Before propping the phone up to show a metal torso, with one arm. And a lady sitting on the floor. The woman doesn't speak but a voice is heard in the background.]
?: Rose? How long have you been up?
[Voice identified: Henry.]
[The other person responds with something out of frame, causing Henry to gasp.]
H: ROSE YOU HAVEN'T SLEPT? YOU SHOULD HAVE ISN'T PR COMING OVER TODAY?
[A sharp knock can be heard, along with giggling.]
[The other person speaks pointing at the metal torso. Her voice sounding like it was put through a cheese grater.]
R: h- hide buddy…
H: Yep.
[Rose grabs the phone and slowly gets up, grabbing two crutches before moving to the door.]
R: o- ow… my throat…
[Rose opens the door slowly.]
[Behind the door stands a group of women. All smiling. Ness is there with the leader, who happens to also be the tallest.]
?: OMG! Hey girl!
[Voice identified: Ophelia.]
R: tall…
?: Yeah… she's very tall and a lesbian… Brain why?
[Voice identified: Ness.]
R: n- nobody in… pr is straight.
O: Damn straight! I mean. Um. Damn gay!
[Ophelia giggles, the volume of her voice increasing. Seemingly by accident.]
O: So! May I come in?
?: Before you do, can I just say, Rose. Your voice sounds like shit.
[Voice identified: Eden.]
O: Eden! Be nice!
R: hi… evely-
[Rose cuts herself off, Ness looking worried by the second.]
R: eden.
Ed: Yeah. Thanks for getting it right this time.
[Eden clacks her teeth together, showing off the fangs that had sunk into Rose’s arm just over a month ago.]
R: t- that reminds me…
[Rose lifts her arm into frame, slowly removing the bandages and showing the scar to the PR members and Ness.]
R: s- still alive bitch
?: Woah! Eden, you can just. Give scars like that now? Awesome!
[Voice registered, awaiting name…]
Ed: Oh, shut up, Becky!
[Name registered: Becky.]
Be: Fine! We’ll be talking about this later though. That’s cool as fuck!
R: not so… c- cool when you’re in a hospital bed… f- for almost a month.
Ed: I’d do it again in a heartbeat, dicknips.
R: a- and i'd be happy to bash… y- your fuckin head in bitchlips.
O: Okay, I totally love mixing swears together as much as the next gal, but we have a few things to work out, don’t we?
R: eden… isn't coming in.
Ne: Rose just.
R: Eden. i- isn't. coming. i- in.
Ed: I didn’t want to, anyway. Lived here for weeks, I’ve seen enough.
[Before anyone can delay her entry any longer, Ophelia steps in, grabbing Ness and Becky, pulling them in after her. Her grip on Ness’ arm is tighter than her grip on Becky’s hand.]
Ne: OW! Ophelia my arm-
O: So! Where’s Adam? I’ve been so curious about him since I heard about the little guy!
R: d- don't know. nice dress tho-
[Rose is cut off by Henry screaming and a cat meowing.]
H: MY TOE!!!!
R: i- ignore him. nice dress ophelia.
O: Aw! Thank you! I actually… Oh, where is my bag! Adelia? Where’s my suitcase?
[A distant voice is heard, presumably Adelia.]
Ad: Right here girl! Sorry, I had some trouble with it.
[A suitcase is rolled into the apartment. Ophelia grabs it and opens it up. Revealing a ton of shopping bags.]
O: I felt bad about taking Ness out of the country without permission. So I got you some things to make up for it!
[Ophelia beams at Rose. Almost eerily. But the rest of her face and tone is friendly.]
R: n- none of this is gonna… spy on me right?
O: Of course not!
R: a- and speaking of ness… i… s- see y'all gave her… a b- bit of a makeover?
O: Yep! She bought that on her own, though. Amazing what a Showfall company card can buy you!
[Rose turns to only face Ness, She has on a long purple dress with red roses, a red bow is placed on her short green hair. as well a fancy necklace is placed around her neck.]
R: y- you good ness?
Ne: Oh yeah! They took care of me, don't worry! Right Ophelia?
O: For sure! Yeah! Ness was a great addition to girls night.
R: d- don't hurt her and… m- maybe if you want she can tag-
[Rose is cut off by another scream, causing her to scream in return.]
R: GIVE ME A MINUTE!
[Rose coughs.]
R: keep her safe… she c- can tag along again i guess… just don't hurt her.
O: Of course, Rose. Why would we ever hurt her?
H: ROSE IT’S ON MY FOOT!
R: give me a minute!
Ne: Wait what's on henry's-
[Rose sets her phone on a counter in a way everyone is visible, before running off.]
Ne: -foot.
O: She’s nice!
[Ophelia elbows Ness, a smug grin on her face.]
Ne: Ow! what was that for!
[Ness laughs, clearly joking.]
O: You’ve gotta shoot your shot, girl!
Ne: WHA- I- UM-
[Ness' face turns a bright red, she hides it in her arms.]
Ne: I… was already gonna do that actually.
O: Well hurry it up, buttercup! You’re going to lose her to some other girl if you don’t act fast!
Ne: I WAS GONNA DO IT TONIGHT-
[Ness cuts herself off before falling to the ground, As soon as that happens A brick comes flying through the window being caught by Ophelia. Attached is a piece of paper.]
[Ophelia stares at it, before showing it to Ness.]
O: Look. Seems like your secret admirer wants to give you a gift.
Ne: 'You won't get the chance, you'll lose your head'? What the fuck?
O: Oh well. Doesn’t matter.
[Ophelia grabs the note and shoves it into her mouth. Swallowing it.]
Ne: God… I really hope y'all find this person… But um yeah… I was gonna give Rose a literal Rose tonight and do this whole thing…
O: Awww! That's so adorbs! Let’s get this wrapped up so you can go do that, eh?
[Rose can be heard sighing.]
R: s- sorry… a project of mine… f- fell on henry's foot.
Ne: IS HE OK???
R: y- yeah… laying with luna right now.
Be: Hate to interrupt. But… Adam? Can we see him?
[A man sneaks far behind the women, fire extinguisher in hand.]
Be: And Leon, you can put the fire extinguisher down.
?: How the fuck?
[Voice identified: Leon.]
Be: Hey! These enhancements aren’t just for show!
[She motions to her mechanical antennae.]
R: ugh… I'll get him. he's not moving though.
O: Wonderful, bring him here.
[Rose slowly walks out of frame, returning after almost a minute with Adam.]
R: h- here… j- just don't hurt him.
[Before Ophelia can take the arm, a robotic voice rings out through the apartment.]
?: CALIBRATION COMPLETE.
[Voice identified: Adam.]
O: Oh?
R: ADAM?
A: VIRUS WIPED. POWERING ON.
[The arm whirs into motion. Moving each individual part one at a time. Before turning to face Ophelia.]
R: ADAM OH MY GOD YOUR BAC-
[Rose's voice stops as she enters a coughing fit, coughing blood visible on her bottom lip.]
A: You.
O: Hm?
[Adam lunges at Ophelia, wrapping himself around her neck. She yelps in surprise.]
R: a- adam no! stop!
[Ness tries to remove Adam only to fail.]
R: ADAM GET OFF!
[Rose coughs some more.]
Ne: ADAM ROSE IS HURT! GET SOME WATER!
[Ophelia laughs, seemingly unaffected by Adam’s attack. Until he curls the tips of his fingers inwards, and she stops laughing. Instead grabbing for the base of the prosthetic.]
R: DON'T HURT HI-
[Rose coughs even more.]
Ne: Adam now!
[Ophelia yanks the arm off of her neck, red now dripping from a few spots down onto her dress, she pouts a little, and holds Adam away from her.]
R: d- DON'T YOU DAR-
[Rose makes a noise that barely sounds human, Ness turns pale and starts screaming at the people in the room.]
Ne: I'LL GET THE FIRST AID KIT ONE OF Y'ALL JUST GET HER SOME WATER!
[Ness runs out of the room.]
O: Now, what was that for?
A: You know. Bitch.
R: a- adam… what are you talking about…
A: PR. Virus.
[Ophelia rolls her eyes. And stares at Adam, smiling slightly.]
O: You’re upset about that? Jeez, dude! Way to hold a fuckin’ grudge!
R: adam. bat.
[Rose slowly stands up, using her hand to wipe the blood from her mouth.]
O: Don’t.
R: w- what's stopping me?
A: Me. Sit. I need to. Converse.
R: f- fine…
A: Thank you.
O: I feel a little goofy holding you up like this. Can I put you down or are you going to attack me again?
A: Please place me down.
O: Alright.
[The arm is set down, Ophelia tilts xer head at him.]
A: Why.
O: Why what?
A: Why put the virus. In there.
O: Buddy, I don’t know the reasoning, I’m not the one who did it.
A: Caused me to hurt. People. Immensely. Why would you do that.
O: I’m trying to think like Cass, here. A distraction? But from what? Hm. Yeah, I have no clue.
R: j- just a guess… m- maybe from… eden
O: Maybe. But you don’t have to say her name with such disgust, Rose. That’s mean. She was just doing her job, you know.
R: i… t- trusted her… t- thought of her like m- maybe a sibling… a- and she put me in the… h- hospital for almost a month.
O: That’s on you for doing that, girl. There were tons of people warning you. I remember seeing all of that and sweating bullets, but you just wouldn’t believe them.
R: i… i g- guess i've always… d- done that…
O: Mhm. You need to trust people way less. I learned that the hard way 75 years ago. Anyway. Adam. I have no idea what to tell you, dude.
A: Liar.
O: Hm.
[She leans in, and whispers something that the phone can’t pick up. Her volume lowering to a near silence. Despite being metal, Adam seems to tense up.]
A: I hope you explode.
O: Alright, man. Uh, so… can I get some water? Please? If you wouldn’t mind.
[A friendly smile can be seen plastered on her face, she looks directly at Rose. For just a second too long. And then looks back at her suitcase.]
O: Oh! Right! Gifts! Hold on, I’ll get them out!
[Rose continues coughing, out of frame enough where it isn't visible what's happening. She speaks, her voice now even more messed up.]
R: f- fine. g- get a glass… g- get the tupperware of food… too.
O: Alright!
[Ophelia bends down to rummage through the suitcase with one arm, and the other extends over to the cupboard, which is fairly far away, and out of frame. The tap can be heard turning on. A few moments later, it turns off, and her arm retracts with a glass of water in hand.]
Be: I keep forgetting you can do that. Scares the shit out of me every time.
O: Ha! Yeah, sorry, Becks! Now, where did I put that…
[Ophelia pulls out a few bags. And hands them to Rose, not getting up.]
O: Open it! I made sure to get you something you’d like.
R: g- give me a second…
[Rose seemingly points at something out of frame.]
O: Do you need help cleaning that up? I’m an expert, you know. I’d be happy to clear all of that up for you.
R: w- we have a mop… w- where? uhhhhhh s- shit where did dad… put the mop…
[Ophelia looks at Rose for a few seconds, her expression softening for a small moment, before snapping right back into place. xe gets up and starts looking for the mop.]
R: d- don't worry about it… j- just… i- I'll open the bags…
[Rose opens the bags one by one, pulling out multiple shirts and jackets. Each one looking as if they were taken from the 80s and 90s, many of them having pastel colors. Rose sets them back in the bag before slowly standing up.]
R: t- thanks… i guess…
O: Do you like them? I really hope you do, I’d feel terrible if they weren’t to your liking.
R: i… like them…
[Rose coughs again, this time the blood falling from her mouth is visible. As Ness walks back into frame.]
Ne: Hey adam. Uh Ophelia I got the first aid kit.
O: Thanks!
[Zey extend their arm to Ness, grabbing the first aid kit, and retracting it back. Beginning to bandage her neck.]
O: Today’s visit has been wonderful, thank you for having me over!
Ne: Um… Did anyone get Rose water? Like I asked?
O: I took care of it, don’t worry.
[Rose drops to the floor again, the coughing continuing.]
R: s- son of a BITCH!
Be: Ooooh. That doesn't look good. Does she have tuberculosis? We have a bit of experience with that. Remember when Cass had it? That wasn’t fun.
Ne: No um… I actually don't know…
R: n- none of your business… j- just know s- showfall t- tried and f- failed… t- to get me back…
O: Hm. Ness, keep an eye on her, not like you haven’t been, but… yeah.
Ne: I mean… It probably doesn't help that she screamed bloody murder for god knows how long… When Edgar… Y'know and um…
O: We should get going, but before we do, I have another thing for you guys!
[Xe takes another bag out, and places it on the counter, closing her suitcase. Before rummaging around and grabbing a tupperware container. She takes a step towards the door.]
Ne: What's that?
O: We forgot you didn’t have your ears pierced… so we got these. They’re real diamonds, by the way. So don’t lose them!
Ne: Huh?
Be: Ophelia, you can tell them upfront!
O: But that’s no fun!
Be: Ugh. We got you diamond earrings, but we forgot you don’t have your ears pierced. So we had to get you the necklace.
Ne: Oh um…
[Rose can be heard seemingly talking to herself.]
R: m- mai… y- you really couldn't wire anything right… i said that outloud…
O: That’s a little deeper than I want to go today! There’s a few more pieces of jewelry in there, too. Just as a fun treat. Some of that stuff is from my own jewelry box!
Ne: Oh um… Thanks!
O: Only the best for our very own honorary PR member! Now, we should really get going, have fun, you two!
[With that, the PR members finally leave the apartment, their giggling can be heard retreating down the hall, along with a few giddy shrieks. Possibly from gossip. They finally fade. Leon stands up straight, having been crouched in the corner for the whole visit.]
Le: ‘Honorary PR member’? Ness. You have some explaining to do.
Ne: I know I know! Right now can one of y'all get Rose her medicine while I find the mop?
Le: Alright. [Aside.] Coast is clear! Y’all can come out now!
[Leon goes to rummage through some cabinets while Liam and Katherine emerge from a room.]
R: h- hi… m- mom… l- liam…
?: Hey, I heard the commotion from in there, are you okay?
[Voice identified: Katherine.]
[Liam waves, but says nothing.]
R: B- besides the blood… and whatever e- else… y- yeah… j- just wish that wasn't one of the side effects from… y'know the night that task m- manager tried to get me back…
K: I know, you’re going to be fine, though. You’re going to have some medicine, and maybe a bit of rest. Alright?
R: a- alright… i w- was… working on buddy all n- night so…
Ne: [Distant.] Who the fuck is "Buddy"?
R: r- robot me and henry a- are… w- working on for sparrow…
[Katherine walks over and picks up Adam.]
K: You’ve caused a lot of panic in this apartment, you know.
A: Do not. Focus on me. Other issues. All software and hardware is in perfect condition.
Le: Found it!
[Leon walks back into frame and hands something to Rose.]
R: t- thanks…
[Rose takes something out of the bottle, presumably medicine.]
R: s- soda?
Le: Won’t the carbonation hurt your throat?
R: d- damnit… kool-aid?
Le: Yeah, of course. I can do that.
[Leon walks back out of frame. Just as Liam walks over with a piece of paper.]
R: 'I’m g- glad the blond one wasn’t here. b- but I don’t like that any of them were in here in the first place… t- they killed my dad. I d- don’t like them'… i k- know liam… i k- know…
Ne: [Distant.] Sorry about all of that by the way…
[Without saying anything, Liam hugs Rose. Then retreats back into his room.]
R: i… feel so b- bad for l- liam… g- god…
Le: Yeah. He’s just a kid. He hasn’t even graduated… high school– FUCK WAIT. HE HASN’T BEEN GOING TO SCHOOL.
R: o- oh… fuck…
Le: LIAM. PLEASE TELL ME YOU WERE HOMESCHOOLED OR SOMETHING. PLEASE TELL ME WE HAVEN’T MADE YOU MISS MONTHS OF SCHOOL.
[Liam’s hand pokes out of the room in a thumbs down.]
Le: FUCK! SHIT! WE NEED TO–
K: Leon, calm. It’ll be fine.
R: i n- never got… t- to graduate… a- and i turned out f- fine.
[Liam pokes his head out, a neutral expression on his face. He goes back in and then returns with another note. A linear equation written out on it. He hands it to Rose.]
R: s- seven times five… equals fifteen… um… um…
Le: Rose.
R: Um… x equals… um…
[Liam grabs the paper, and writes something down on it. Showing it to Rose.]
R: I WOULD’VE GOTTEN IT!
[Rose coughs again.]
R: ow.
[Liam shakes his head, then walks over to Leon, the two of them having a conversation via Liam’s paper. It fades into the background.]
[Ness runs in with the mop and a bucket.]
Ne: Katherine I'm really sorry about PR coming in I swear on m-
[Ness cuts herself off.]
Ne: On Mari's mother. I didn’t mean for any of that!
K: It’s fine. We’re just mad that you let them take you to the fucking Bahamas without even CHECKING IN FIRST.
Ne: In my defense. Alcohol blood loss and 5 hours of sleep do NOT mix well.
K: The hell even happened on that trip?
Ne: Apparently I sang 'Copacabana' on top of a table… Uh I don't remember much else.
K: I’m going to guess we’ll get a detailed description from one of them on that blog.
Ne: Yeah probably… Um…
[Ness shows Katherine her hand, missing ring finger and all.]
Ne: That happened.
[Katherine shrieks, grabbing Ness’ arm and inspecting it.]
K: What the fuck did they do? Was this during the trip? Is it infected?
Ne: Me and Eden got in a fight in the park. I'll explain if you ask. No. And also no.
Le: Oh yeah! There was a transcript!
[Katherine turns to where Leon’s voice was heard from, a look of disbelief on her face.]
K: This is why you shouldn’t confiscate my phone, LEON. I would’ve liked to know about that!
Le: Sorry!
Ne: I did more damage to her than she did to me… Stabbed her with a spear and almost broke her nose.
K: Your finger is missing! We– hold on, what's in that bag on the counter? Have you opened it yet?
Ne: No? But Ophelia said it was filled with jewelry.
K: I… we should open it, I think.
[She grabs the bag and opens it after walking back over to Ness. She yelps, and nearly drops the whole thing. Shoving the bag into Ness’ hands.]
Ne: What?
[Ness looks in the bag and slowly turns her head.]
Ne: Oh… There’s my finger…
Le: Guess it’s not missing, then! Sorry.
K: Of course they’d do that.
[A loud metal crash coming from one of the rooms, followed by a cat meowing.]
H: [Distant.] Buddy fell again!
Ne: WE'RE BUSY!
K: HENRY GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE. NESS IS MISSING A FINGER.
H: BUDDY FELL ON MY FOOT I CAN'T WALK!
K: IT CAN’T BE THAT FUCKING HEAVY, CAN IT?
R: t- torso is like… a foot tall i think? and made of three inch thick metal… s- so yes it can.
K: Henry, you’re weak as fuck. You can walk. Don’t make me drag you out here.
[Henry walks into frame with a limp, His hair is messed up and his eyes are red.]
H: What?
K: Ness is missing a fucking finger!
H: Oh god damnit… Ness what school jock did you piss off this time?
Ne: I DIDN'T PISS OFF A JOCK THIS TIME! EDEN BIT IT OFF! Damn you get into one-
[Henry cuts Ness off with a cough.]
H: You went to the school nurse almost every day FOR A WHOLE SCHOOL YEAR! fighting the school football team. It was more than one.
Le: I had a friend like that back in the 80s!
K: Who?
Le: … Do I really need to say.
R: d- dad?
Le: Yeah, it was always something with that guy. One time he broke a water fountain after tripping into it. They gave him ice and he was back in class within 30 minutes.
Ne: Sounds like edgar. Anyway this is nothing! One time one of the members of the school football team hit me so hard into a locker, Like three of my ribs cracked!
K: Ness you’re missing a finger.
Ne: I still have nine more!
K: God, you guys are impossible! Since you won’t take your injury seriously, let’s change the damn topic before I bite one of them off. What day did you say those tickets were for?
Ne: The 28th? O H S H I T-
R: i- I'll get changed… e- end the transcript. wait… that's not the command…
Le: Wh– did you have one going on PURPOSE?
R: n- nope. i just know it's recording… b- because when the fuck is it not?
A: On. it.
[Adam skitters up to the phone.]
A: Goodbye chat.
[Transcript end.]
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frederickthegreat · 4 years
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my thoughts on TUA season 2
(spoilers, obviously)
- opened with Klaus and Ben, my kings. Klaus’s hair looks so weird straightened while short 
- AWESOME opening soundtrack 
- seeing all their powers so controlled makes me wonder how they leveled up to that skill in the alternate timeline. like the only time we saw Klaus use the powers of other ghosts in the correct timeline was when two of them caught him falling out of the sky. however Diego did end up controlling bullets and Allison used her voice to technically kill one of the Swedes
- the homeless man screaming Allison’s name alongside Luther... funny shit
- big teddy bear Hazel
- Elliot was fucking awesome i think he was a great addition as a side character. rip tho :(
- honestly i don’t understand why Diego would WANT to save JFK. like it’s not that big of a deal. does he not understand what messing with the timeline can do??
- Lila... impeccable
- Sissy and Vanya... impeccable <3
- yeah and fuck u Carl
- ugh, Klaus’s beard. disgusting <3
- Ben and Klaus definitely act like they should be, given that they’ve been stuck with each other for over a decade. i’ve seen some people calling Klaus an asshole for not telling his siblings about Ben, which is completely understandable (cause he was an asshole), but I’m guessing it was because he was afraid? that sharing Ben with his siblings would mean that he would lose him to them, or his siblings would find him selfish, or they would ask something of him that he couldn’t give. if that makes sense
- that ghost bitch comment was funny tho 
- to the guy who called Klaus pretty boy at the bar: sir you don’t know what you’re getting into
- Raymond!! he’s such a sweetheart, i really liked him in the show. i’m really happy that Allison has found a bit of normalcy (as normal as the 1960s Civil Rights movement could be). it shows how passionate she is about what she believes in: even though she knows the movement is far from over, even back in 2019, she’s not gonna abandon it
- Allison staring at the moon every night: either thinking about Luther or how the moon blows them all up. maybe both
- of course Luther would be working for Jack Ruby
- awesome cinematography during the mental asylum escape 
- yeah it makes sense that the Handler would still be alive. she was a cool villain. although it would’ve been awesome to see how evil a fish could be
- Diego’s plan was pretty stupid. that’s my boy
- honestly they revealed how Klaus started a cult really well by having one of his followers find him at jail. Klaus, ever the musical aficionado, of course writes his scripture based off of pop songs
- Raymond and Klaus meeting!! that was cool to see how their paths connected
- Lila painting Elliot’s toenails green. ugh i love that crazy bitch
- i LOVE how they incorporated the umbrella man!! tbh i’ve always believed he was the one behind the assassination. Lee Harvey Oswald was framed 
- honestly a bit understandable that Luther was planning on killing Vanya? cause he had no idea who she is now, but them reuniting was actually really sweet. he’s grown up so much
- the Swedes and their cats.
- the Umbrella company building with the nuclear family mannequins... creepy, awesome shit
- baby pogo baby pogo baby pogo baby pogo
- shanked diego shanked diego shanked diego shanked diego
- did anyone else get vibes from Klaus’s episode opening that he was an escort to the old woman? like how he was being shown off at her arm or something and getting out of jail from a call from the governor. idk maybe the lady was just very taken with him, as anyone would be
- Elliot, our helpful king
- Allison and Klaus’s reunion was so sweet!! i’m so glad they got to interact so much more in this season 
- Ben getting Raymond out through a haunting... hilarious
- sweet intimate moment between Lila and Diego
- Ray meeting Luther was hilarious, but i do feel for the poor guy. i mean i’m not in love with my adoptive sister but still
- the sit-in was really well done and beautiful while terrible. the ‘riot’ that ensued was very appropriate for today’s setting 
- D-Dave
- honestly i was scared that Klaus was gonna be overly attracted to him or whatever, which would be weird cause he’s years younger than Klaus, but honestly, at the core he just wanted to save Dave’s life. even if it means never meeting him in a different timeline. he truly loved Dave. and that ptsd flashback was done so well
- i knew Lila wasn’t trustworthy but i didn’t REALLY expect that! 
- Vanya and Luther talking with each other, Luther admitting the apocalypse wasn’t all her fault. beautiful
- the Majestic 12 reminds me of the conspiracy theory that only a few families control basically everything in the world. the Majestic 12 may be based off of that, idk
- idk about everyone else but Klaus’s scorpion and the frog story made total sense to me! frogs ARE bitches
- the diner scene.... ugh. it really shows that the two of them did fall in love and they did stupid in love things, like talking about their family, about why Dave wanted to join, favorite colors, favorite foods, etc. however that’s seen later on when Dave visits the compound
- yes it’s very disheartening when Klaus is attacked, but honestly i think it had to happen, just like the riot had to happen. the 60s weren’t a fun time for lgbt people and poc. it was only going to be a matter of time before the show HAD to acknowledge the consequences of Klaus’s ‘flamboyancy’ in 1963 Texas. it doesn’t make it right or easy to see, but it’s realistic. 
- it also makes sense that Klaus fell off the wagon after experiencing something like that. yes we all would’ve liked him to stay sober, but sobriety and recovery aren’t linear. 
- Allison is so happy with Ray can we please drop this pseudo-incest plotline let’s MOVE ON 
- Texas Grace ! who is not actually Grace rip (i think? i was a bit confused lol)
- the scene with Harlan running off was really upsetting but we got to see those weird light particles that we saw in the first season
- Pogo Pogo Pogo Pogo
- Klaus being a dick to Ben again, as brothers do. i do feel bad for Ben though it must be sooo frustrating. that scene with him and Allison was really sweet and funny tho
- i just have to say that Luther and Diego are so fucking funny this season it’s awesome. like there are a LOT of good lines overall by everyone but they’re hilarious. “At least he didn’t shank my ass” “no bro, he shanked your heart”“Dads part of a sinister CABAL that’s plotting on killing the president.” “a caBAL?”“You two still a thing? *leans in* do we need to talk?” “No, she’s married.” “Woah dude... that’s rough.” and countless others
- the sibling reunion!! 
- Klaus really does get left out of everything tbh
- Ben :(
- sisters and Klaus!! that was so awesome to see. and Klaus’s hairpins, Vanya saying she’s gonna tell Sissy she loves her, their dance sequence, Klaus calling Allison out on that incest. beautiful
- the fucking Swedish cover of Hello was PERFECT i mean i was sad for the Swedes but it was hilarious. there were a couple beautiful shots of the boat on fire though
- god it must’ve been so traumatizing for Allison to be thrust into such a hostile place with no voice and no way to contact her family
-  idk about you guys but long live Team Zero
- calling Ben that he was becoming their father was a bit uncalled for 
- the fact that Klaus didn’t help Dave’s chances, and in fact escalated Dave’s own timeline.. his trembling hands... robert sheehan is an amazing actor
- the Black president bit lmaoo loved it
- the way Reginald spoke to Diego.. i’m gonna throw hands with an old man
- Klaus LITERALLY looked like he was having a seizure and they all just... played it off?? 
- poor, poor Carl. nah fuck him lol
- that bloody opening scene was awesome! and thank god Five got to say fuck. the fact that it was about a candy bar makes too much sense
- Robert Sheehan acting as Ben: amazing showstopping spectacular he’s so talented
- the whole multiple Fives and Luther bit was honestly really funny, and i immensely respect smaller Five over bigger Five. 
- yes Klaus, you survived a family of seven. you got this
- not sad about Carl dying one bit!
- Ben... that was such a beautiful scene. not just the content of the scene, but the cinematography. Ben fading away... Vanya hugging him... ugh. the main takeaway i had from that scene is that at the core of it all, Ben and Klaus love each other immensely. they have a weird, dysfunctional, fucked up relationship, where Klaus is an asshole and Ben definitely shouldn’t of possessed him without his consent, but they’re still brothers, and Ben forgives him. 
- oof Ben’s funeral was hard. also was it just me or did Klaus’s kid actor sound weird? like it sounded like Robert was dubbing his lines 
- all the siblings back together again!!!! Klaus going with Vanya to save Harlan!! Vanya telling him Ben forgives him and that it wasn’t Klaus’s fault Ben got stuck with him!! everyone in the car!!! be still my beating heart
- yeah didn’t see Lila having powers coming tbh. i really feel bad for her she’s had such a rough and traumatic life, especially with the Handler as her only parental figure
- the Swede brother and Five putting down their weapons: “enough.” the Swede wanted revenge for his brothers - an eye for an eye, but there was a mutual understanding between the two of them: they would do anything for their family. if the Swede hurts one of the Hargreeves, Five would never stop coming after him. i thought it was very beautiful 
- mmm Reggie’s foreshadowing coming into play. proud of u Five
- the ending was so beautiful. everyone got closure in some type of way. except now Klaus is alone with nothing but his dog tags :(
- EMO BEN HAHAHA WTFFF?? is Lila in the sparrow academy? why was Ben’s portrait over the mantle piece? did Five disappear?? is the sparrow academy just older versions of the siblings who stuck around?? so many questions
FINAL THOUGHTS
- Ellen Page’s acting consistently blows me away. she is amazing 
- beautiful cinematography, funny writing, pretty good acting. i didn’t like the soundtrack as much as i did the first season’s, but some of it wasn’t bad.
- i’m glad ben got peace, but i’m also glad justin min isn’t gone for good. his social media presence is too vital for us
- i swear to god if they keep treating klaus as a joke and don’t let him get any actual development like everyone else had (he barely got closure with Dave, he reconciled with Ben through a second party) next season, i’m gonna riot. PLEASE i want to learn more about his powers now that Ben is gone. what happened to seeing tons of ghosts when he’s sober??
- Luther and Diego were probably my favorite duo of the season, I’m so happy that they’ve reconciled and are bonding more. 
- just seeing Vanya grow and be happy was amazing 
all in all, really wonderful season. i probably liked it better than the first one. now it’s time to consume fanfiction and maybe finish my own (check out “god doesn’t want him and neither does the devil” on ao3!)
458 notes · View notes
gelo-p · 4 years
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Cycling Seasons, Fresh Skies: Memories
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I knew from a long time ago that if I’d ever go for a T10, this would be it. When the event was finally getting closer, early estimates told me I was 900 flames short; I’d have to buy stars for this event.
(WARNING: A rather image-heavy post)
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Perhaps the moment I honestly considered T10 instead of settling for T100.
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Definitely the moment I knew there was no turning back. :)))
Believe me, this was not the only purchase I made for this event.
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I needed a better Challenge Live team, so I knew getting a 4* Happy Ran is required, to complete my Happy Afterglow team. I’ve never gotten any 4* Ran before, so thank god the 4* Exchange Ticket had the perfect timing.
“WAIT. YOU WERE USING A HAPPY TEAM ALL THIS TIME???”
Yep. ^^ Well, my Multi Live team was Powerful Afterglow-based, but had only 2 4-stars, sooo I knew it wouldn’t cut it.
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There she is <3
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I’ve always stopped at Skill Level 4, but I really had to pull out all the stops. Ran is my first Skill Level 5 member. ^^ (everyone in my CL team also received the level 5 upgrade)
Alright, let’s do this! Hey Hey Hoh~!
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The event has finally begun! I initially found it amusing seeing all sorts of titles being shown off. This one in particular stood out to me. XD
(Looking back, that Sinz person would later turn out to be a serious T10 contender. I think they changed their name to Pyokun after some time)
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Here’s a screenshot of a rare T5 GeLö-P. I really wanted to share this with you guys, but I figured I’d jinx myself by revealing publicly what I was trying to do. :>
(I will doubt the existence of God Almighty, but believe in being jinxed. Life is weird sometimes.)
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Well, that’s the Grand Room for ya’. Meta songs all the way~
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How do you even react to that?
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With this. :)))
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NEXT YOU’LL SAY FUEEEEE
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Home Street...
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Home Street.......
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HEY HEY HOH~! 
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The moment I ran out of large energy drinks, and had to start spending stars. </3 Small energy drinks were still reserved for moments I can afford to wait out the 30-minute refill timer.
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The 5 Horsemen of the Apocalypse
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My first time doing the “recover waaaaay more than 10 flames” thing
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Huhehe huhehe huhehe...
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I too would like some of those Afterglow pins. T_T
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Baby Shak my as-
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Aaaand we have a dodger, ladies and gentlemen. XD
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I think this guy needs to be banned.
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Home Street? Pssh, that was so yesterday. Jumpin’ is the shit now.
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Ganbatte, P5.
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Himari~
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My 2nd encounter with Ghostkillers (who later become T12..?). He chose Senbonzakura the first time, so when he did it again, I thought I’d save it for posterity. ^^
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The “I too would like to live dangerously” gang 8-)
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The first time I switched away from my dua T100 titles. I figured I’d stop trying to “scare” the competition.
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First time tracking T10 scores. This would later prove to be very useful in seeing if my projection will hold (although I shifted to tracking T3 - T12).
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Taking a break, so I watched ads for free flames. :)))))
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Moca, Ran, GeLö-P, and a weird name. Huh. Okay.
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Kyu~Mai * Flower was released! Played this one on Hard.
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...this one I played on Expert...
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...and thank fuck I got it first try, because oh boy I’m not playing that beat map again. >_<
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“Ban me if you can” ?? Why??
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Aaaaand this motherfucker right here was cheating and inflating his score. I personally reported him to the game admins over on twitter, and they’ve informed me that they were already aware of this idiot. Saw him just once more after this.
Yes. That’s 91 million, 798 thousand, 346.
I actually encountered them once before this, but didn’t notice anything off about their score (was already dazed at that time). And then a discussion started over at reddit, so when I met him again, I took screenshots.
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Ganbatte :))
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Had time for a quick hey hey hoh spam ^^
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Which day was this..? Anyway I came up with my brilliant pun. Read the comment, see if you can figure it out. :3
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MocaRan and YukiLisa. Sigh. I don’t think we can be friends, P5.
:)))
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Told you, Ghostkillers only pick Senbonzakura XD
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Tomoe’s Birthday! ^^
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Even the game won’t let you have a GF, P5. XD
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HEATHCLIFF STOP PICKING BABY SHARK
(almost sure they’re famous in the competitive scene... I don’t know them tho LOL)
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I woke up one morning to find there was no internet.
FUCK ME
I knew mobile data was going to result to multiple disconnects, but thank fuck I had lots of challenge points to spare. I passed the time productively, and by the time I was done, internet was back. Whew.
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Rank update: currently T8. ^^
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More of Ghostkillers x Senbonzakura and JFC that name tho P2
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Shitpost comment XD
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First time seeing 2 other T10 contenders in the same room: Itsuki and Ghostkillers.
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Probably the point where I started spamming Tokimeki Poporon instead of Home Street.
Also there’s a looot of interesting names in Bandori.
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As a YukiRan / MocaLisa shipper (well more of SayoLisa nowadays), it is my job to destroy players 1, 3, and 5. >:(
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Wallet: IT’S NOT POSSIBLE
Me: NO, IT’S NECESSARY
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...aaaaaand I immediately threw away 10k stars hoping for Megane Ran, but got shit. (This would later force me to make 2 more purchases XD Seriously though, I could have saved a lot of money with a better star purchase plan)
I got Loli Rinko tho. <3
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Which day was this...? I think this was the moment I knew Ghostkillers has given up. I was laughing my ass off reading the comments. I think everyone of us was half-dead at this point. XD
And so we’re down to the final 11.
I’ve started considering the possibility at this point that I might be the final one to bow out.
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OMG I CAN’T SEE PLAYER 2
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BUSHIDO~!
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I was feeling the despair at this point, and thus started singing Komm Susser Tod
I do mini-sprints in the morning, so I’m T6 here. I usually fall back down to ~T9 in the afternoon.
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I usually level up once per event. I started this event from Rank 193. :)))
(well it was technically 192, but I was like 2 games away from leveling up)
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XD
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There are no experts in this room :v
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Jumpin = NO FEVER, but picks meta song anyway. Okay. :v
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Hey! All Random!
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Game: DID SOMEONE ASK FOR A META SONG
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I have a lot of friend requests at this point (probably from people seeing me on the T10 list), but I don’t have enough space to accept them all :((
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Bread-themed profile!
Poppin’ Party, Puff n’ Pastry... get it?
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Itsuki started spamming BOF at this point.
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Doki doki~
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HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME~ ♪ ♫
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P1 is an IRL friend :))) I’d later tease her about how slow she is picking songs LOL
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Some Initial D reference for overtaking :P Of course I was badly falling behind at this point (T9 is hella dangerous), but I had no choice but to continue to believe in the math (and that early overtaking is a bad choice).
“Early moves lets your opponents recover from mental shock.” - Ryosuke Takahashi, Initial D 3rd Stage
No seriously, that’s exactly what I was thinking of. And also “Not yet, not yet, now” from Ford v Ferrari.
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P1 & P5 get married already...
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FINAL NIGHT.
I’m down to T11, and everybody else already did 2.3M-sprints some hours earlier, and have considerably slowed down.
I, on the other, was about to go to sleep. Yes, I, the current T11, was about to let the others pull away. All I could do was believe in the Math at that point, because let me tell you-
I had 105k challenge points left. That’s 3.4M event points I had yet to sprint.
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This was during the final morning, 9 hours before event ended. When I woke up that morning, my heart was pounding like crazy. What if everybody has pulled ahead?
When I finally checked, most of the T10′s were still in the 17M-range. Itsuki was on T10, and he was only 500k away. I knew at that point that my chances were pretty good; however, I shut up about it, set my comment to “Now Playing: Running in the 90′s”, and got to work.
There was nothing else I could to but consume all the CP I had left. No more tracking. A literal 5-hour non-stop sprint to 19.2M points. If they can still catch up even after they’ve already expended their CP yesterday, then maybe I don’t deserve this T10 after all.
All I need to do was beat one of them. It was me or them.
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Holy shi-
I wasn’t out of the woods yet, had to make sure at least one of them didn’t overtake me. Of course that was more up to them, since I didn’t have any strength left (my thumb stopped working at that point, no seriously, it’s still not working properly even today). I also didn’t have any significant stars left.
I managed to sneak in a few songs, but that was it. I was done. The others managed to close the gap, but I stayed in T6.
And then the event was over.
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I fucking did it.
------
I would later learn that this was the bloodiest (Challenge Live) event in the history of ENdori. In one redditor’s words, I “ ...sure picked a hell of a time to go for it.”
I had no choice. This is Megane Ran we’re talking about. <3
I had some idea tbh, because I managed to read a tweet in the middle of the event, that “this was one lit T10″. Apparently we were on track to beat the previous record-holder, which was Sayo’s Umbrella event.
I’m... really glad to have been part of this event. I feel so darn proud of myself. >:3
But I couldn’t have done it without the help of the Grand Room. Seriously, I only played in the Grand Room.
Remember this?
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I don’t have (competitive) friends. :))) So thank you, all. *bow*
I’d like to thank IRL-friend otearaisu over at twitter for putting up with my excessive score projection updates. XD I have a really detailed excel sheet to check if I was on track or not, and whenever there were developments, I’d always tell him about it, even in the dead of the night. XD
------
Would I ever do this again? Probably not. This was the only event that I knew I really wanted to go for, and I don’t see that changing any time soon. Maybe I’ll get a couple of T100′s in the future, but that’s it. ^^
See you in the lobby~
6 notes · View notes
Text
More Discordant Trials and Crimes
Bullshit Defense AU. More of Athena and Trucy’s discord server. I thought of the joke at the end of this and liked it so much that I wrote some more jokes around it. Coming up with everyone’s usernames is always the hardest part.
-
April 27 1:15 pm [general] 
Detective PSYCH why’s this always seem to fuckin happen are we cursed I think we’re cursed someone in this fam has the original ccurse and spread it to the rest of us who who gave us all bad luck like it’s the fuckin plague 
Surrounded by Fools I know exactly who.
Crazy Plant Lady Wait, what’s going on??? @everyone is everyone okay???? 
Spirit Large Trucy got arrested for manslaughter at the dress rehearsal for her magic show today. Mia just told me. 
GOD CAN’T KILL ME o fuckin shit 
Crazy Plant Lady Oh no! What happened?? 
Not Royalty Don’t @ Me oh no she’s got someone defending her already right? like of course she does but 
Surrounded by Fools Yes, she’s covered on that front, thank you. Her fathers are at the theater investigating already. 
Not Royalty Don’t @ Me oh good they’re competent is there a prosecutor yet? 
Spirit Large @Surrounded by Fools are you prosecuting? 
Surrounded by Fools Unfortunately not. Apparently that it is my niece on trial I might be biased. 
Detective PSYCH But Simon prosecuted on Junie’s trial 
Not Royalty Don’t @ Me wait there’s actually rules about that sort of thing 
Surrounded by Fools Juniper isn’t family. There isn’t an officially codified rule, at any rate, but the standard is to not prosecute family. Family behind the defense’s bench is fine; just not in the defendant’s chair. 
Detective PSYCH Junie totally is family fuck the rules 
Not Royalty Don’t @ Me yeah having that be a written rule would make too much sense so do you know who’s prosecuting uh @Existential Dread @Birdman
Existential Dread I am legally barred from any case involving any Gramaryes
Surrounded by Fools Who ever said that? 
Existential Dread @Birdman with a katana D: 
Surrounded by Fools Why do I talk to either of you? 
Birdman I made that edict out of love for the sake of what little mental stability you have left. 
Existential Dread :| 
GOD CAN’T KILL ME does mental stability rly exist tho has anyone here seen it 
Birdman No. 
Detective PSYCH yeah Simon and I aren’t on the case uh I mean I guess there are prosecutors outside of this server and out of our social circle wait @Surrounded by Fools have you checked with DA BEST 
Surrounded by Fools I was about to. Why isn’t he in this chat anyway? 
Detective PSYCH we’re already at max pun capacity oh @His Royal Freeloading Highness what’re you up to 
Not Royalty Don’t @ Me he hasn’t prosecuted any cases here yet 
Detective PSYCH yeah but it’s been like four months right sooner or later 
Not Royalty Don’t @ Me I guess but I’d be surprised if it was now 
4:37 pm [general] 
His Royal Freeloading Highness Well. About that. 
Not Royalty Don’t @ Me ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME NAHYUTA ARE YOU 
4:52 pm [general] 
Detective PSYCH @His Royal Freeloading Highness hey you’re cool and all i guess but if you get Trucy found guilty of anyhting i will eat your spleen raw 
Spirit Large I don’t think you’re legally allowed to do that. 
Detective PSYCH whatever I know a bunch of defense attorneys it’s cool 
Surrounded by Fools @His Royal Freeloading Highness So I presume, given what I was earlier discussing about not prosecuting family, that you have made no mention of the fact that this defendant is your brother’s half-sister. 
His Royal Freeloading Highness Of course I haven’t. 
GOD CAN’T KILL ME shit dude i thought u were lawful 
His Royal Freeloading Highness I have no idea how you came to that conclusion. 
spleen. raw. hey just uh checking that you heard me 
His Royal Freeloading Highness I have indeed, yes, thank you. 
spleen. raw. I will borrow Simon’s katana 
Crazy Plant Lady Athena no 
GOD CAN’T KILL ME hardcore. i respect it 
Surrounded by Fools If this chat becomes evidence of premeditated murder in a trial, I want to make it known that I stand by my username.
GOD CAN’T KILL ME same 
5:40 pm [general]
spleen. raw. HEY UH @His Royal Freeloading Highness WHAT AM I HEARING BOUT SOME FUCKIN UH POSSIBLE MURDER CHARGE THAT’S LIKE THE WRONG FUCKING DIRECTION FOR YOU TO BE GOING IN IF YOU WANNA KEEP YOUR INTERNAL ORGANS FROM BEING SALTED 
Spirit Large Athena do you remember that you are threatening the actual prince of a country? Who is also my cousin though that’s neither here nor there at this moment. 
spleen. raw. BRING ON THE INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT I’VE ALREADY BEEN TANGLED IN ONE BRING IT ON YA ROYAL BASTARDS 
Not Royalty Don’t @ Me oh boy I do not want to be a part of this I do not want to be here 
spleen. raw. TIME TO PICK A FAVORITE SIBLING 
Not Royalty Don’t @ Me Rayfa
His Royal Freeloading Highness Some testimony from two witnesses points to motive for intentional murder, made to appear as an accident. The charge is moving forward as murder because the evidence suggests it may be a possibility. Detective Skye and I, knowing the defendant, personally agree that she would not commit murder and is unlikely to have been careless enough for even manslaughter, but we also are forced to consider this other angle. Ideally I would have more time to collect more evidence and testimony and make a better determination of what charge should be brought against her, but your absurd and ineffective legal system has the case going to trial tomorrow, and this is unfortunately what we are forced to deal with.
spleen. raw. oh god now I have to threaten Ema too 
Crazy Plant Lady I don’t think you have to. 
spleen. raw. No I Gotta 
Existential Dread We’re trying our bests to fix our legal system Takes a while, ja 
His Royal Freeloading Highness How long has it been this way? 
Surrounded by Fools More than 20 years. 
Not Royalty Don’t @ Me yikes of course it’s gonna take a long time to fix all the shit that’s been done considering we’re still repairing things at home and that was only a decade 
spleen. raw. Rome wasn’t built in a day after all 
His Royal Freeloading Highness But it did burn in one.
GOD CAN’T KILL ME are u uh advocating arson as a method of legal reform 
His Royal Freeloading Highness It is a consideration. 
Not Royalty Don’t @ Me NO 
His Royal Freeloading Highness It worked for Ga’ran. 
Not Royalty Don’t @ Me IT DID NOT WORK FOR GA’RAN.
17 notes · View notes
vaguely-concerned · 5 years
Text
empire of ivory here we go!
previous temeraire let’s read here
- um excuuuuse me I have waited two books for us to come back home to britain to see everyone again and now everything is awful and shitty and scary and my fave is leaving and nothing’s how it should be??? no??? this is unfair??????
- tharkay NO please don’t go everything provably goes to hell whenever you leave D:D:D:
(to be fair to him I guess it’s understandable to want some time alone to process the absolute outrageous bullshit he just pulled for a guy he’s known for like four months)
he used his page time well tho; instantly convincing roland of his worth and making her laugh... giving laurence his cup of tea b/c he looked like he needed it more... telling laurence that he’s leaving because he promised to do that much at least... truly the best boy, off to fetch more dragons apparently because it wasn’t quite crazy enough the first time
- god I love jane roland, I’m so glad my two faves got along instantly, between them they could... maybe protect laurence from himself? at least a little??? I can but dream
- I think this is the most emotionally invested I’ve been in a piece of media since that time I spent a few months completely incoherent over uncharted, and naughty dog very kindly held my heart in their hands and chose to be gentle with it in the end but I am not so sure that is how it’s going to be for this series and I am Not Prepared for the suffering
- I love whenever laurence thinks uncomfortably about one of the various and sundry atrocities committed by the government he’s still pledged all his loyalty to. yes william maybe the british empire... is in fact not good and has enough blood on their hands to dye the ocean red. I can’t wait until he connects the dots here (and presumably has a pretty intense crisis if faith about it because it seems like one of the loadbearing structures of his character... actually no wait I’m not ready to see this D:D:D:)
- the little details like the fact that he just calls bb!roland ‘emily’ and harcourt becomes ‘catherine’ so easily in his narration now are so so sweet  
- lord allendale is one of those dudes who have good politics but is a shitheel to his family and I want to smack him
laurence being the mortified poster boy of this party, though? priceless, imagine coming up with a protagonist this effortlessly involuntarily hilarious, it’s the mark of true genius
- I don’t usually quibble over things like this, but I think the edit for this fourth book specifically is a bit lacking? I’ve come across a lot of mistakes even my dumb ass can pick up on already, and I’m only a hundred pages or so in
- caught between crying and cackling at this part b/c like laurence I’m  d e v a s t a t e d  at the thought of temeraire getting sick but also temeraire is just like cheerfully getting laid the whole time
also how did none of the aviators think to give laurence The Talk about giving his dragon The Talk, you all know what he’s like
- oh thank god
- I have spent half of today crying about dragons coughing, how are you this fine evening good reader
- btw this series fills a hole in my soul left by jkr giving me all those tantalizing hints of different types of dragons in ‘fantastic beasts’ and never following up on it
- tharkay may not be here but laurence just mentioned him like once in his narration so let’s take the excuse to reminisce about the good old days (when tharkay was here)... remember that time when the one of his own jokes he laughed openly at was about lawyers and laurence frankly should have responded better b/c it was kind of funny and sadly temeraire doesn’t have the worldly experience to know it yet.... aaah precious, he truly is a sardonic blessing to my heart and deserves the world
okay back to our regularly scheduled content   
- riley why u gotta b such a bitch about this
(I love how laurence is constantly doubting himself over this tho, as if he’s done something wrong in this situation... like honey baby if there’s one thing worth breaking a friendship over it’s probably them being cool with slavery lol. it shows how much laurence has grown, considering that this disagreement has always existed between them but he used to be willing to just overlook it... I’m so proud of you laurence)
also lol @ berkely coming in to tell them everyone can hear them, I have a desperately soft spot for him and maximus. just the image of both of them turning to him ‘united in appalled indignation’ like ‘excuse you???’ and him giving exactly zero fucks... *chef kiss emoji*
- most important information revealed in this book: a) dragons are not widely considered to have committed original sin, thank you reverend erasmus and b) laurence has taken time out of his day at some point to worry about it b/c he’s a dork
(this is the sort of world building I am hopelessly weak to lol)
- gong su tricking temeraire into eating in the most melodramatic way possible... god bless you chef
- fkjhsadkjfhsdkjalhfaskjldhf laurence judging chenery for what he’s wearing while going out into the jungle in full uniform hat included himself... I caaaaan’t
- demane has only appeared on three pages so far but if anything happens to him I’ll kill everyone in this book and then myself
- ‘average dragon speaks one million languages’ factoid actualy statistical error. Temeraire Linguist Georg, who wants a pavilion thank you very much & learns over 10,000 languages each day, is an outlier adn should not have been counted <3<3<3
(I love that temeraire is like... a nerd dragon with a hopelessly jock captain)
- laurence effortlessly rating the relative hotness of the other male aviators to try to suss out who harcourt has slept with fjsaldfhsdkljafh do you ever hear yourself think william
like this is the thing about him it’s so easy to headcanon him as bi b/c he can be so mindbogglingly oblivious it’s entirely possible he literally wouldn’t even have noticed until someone smacked him over the head with it
- see I’m very happy they found the cure but I don’t fucking trust it b/c the pattern of these books tends to be to give you one moment of ‘oh phew everything is going to be okay’ about 2/3 into the story and THEN everything goes to hell and fifty pages later laurence is dissociating and napoleon has conquered prussia 
- THERE WE GO RIGHT ON SCHEDULE
temeraire is never going to let laurence go anywhere without him again and rightly so
- hasn’t mrs erasmus been through enough. can’t she just be allowed to chill 
- this is really cool world building but I’m too stressed out to appreciate it
really enjoy the description of architecture tho this sounds so awesome
- sfahdfklsahdfksjda laurence making sure his clothes are as washed and presentable as possible... I can’t with you you beautiful idiot
- TEMERAIRE OH MY GOD IS HE HERE IS LAURENCE HALLUCINATING PLS SAY HE’S ACTUALLY HERE
- ...well I mean if anyone has a freudian excuse for being kind of dickish I guess it would be these guys? it’s actually pretty chill of them to only flog one of them (laurence, because he just can’t play it any way but stupid lawful good at every turn) and not just killing them all I guess, they kept them fed and stuff
- oh thank god
- temeraire you are the most darling dragon boy and I love you
I was really really worried for a moment there that the reference to the Colosseum was a not-so-subtle hint they would have to gladiator fight to the death but thankfully they were basically just calling in a parliament
- DID THIS MOTHERFUCKER JUST STAB A CHILD IN THE STOMACH?? I HOPE HE ACCIDENTALLY SHOOTS HIMSELF IN THE DICK AND DIES pls say demane is going to be okay
- aw okay finally something good for mrs erasmus I will take it
- laurence you useless fool of a narrator is demane okay?? 
- god roland is just so cool naomi novik really gave us a jovial butch silver fox aviator lady huh... she did that for us and I for one am full of gratitude
- oh thank GOD (hm I sense a running theme here lol) the kid is going to be okay I can breathe again
- iskierka the pirate captain + temeraire’s reaction... perfect
- ;____________; I would lay down my life for temeraire and also that’s a gutpunch of a moodswing... the perfect hilarity of ‘that is an ugly hill’ immediately followed by That... jesus
- awww every time volly shows up again is a joy (temrer!!!)
- laurence... laurence you need to stop asking people to marry you because you never actually really fucking mean it!!!!! have you learned nothing about yourself since book 1, trust your goddamn instincts for once in your life you and roland have been doing perfectly okay thus far as like... affectionate fuckbuddies right? 
(her reaction was priceless tho god bless)
- aaaah there we go the british government is looking more like itself... welcome to the world of realpolitik laurence I’m really sorry :(
- “It is only dragons, you know” JANE ROLAND WTF DID YOU JUST SAY
- “This government is not of my party; my king is ill and mad; but still I am his subject. You have sworn no oath, but I have.” He paused. “I have given my word.”
:) this is... fine
(like. I know this is necessary character growth and he’s basically been a waste of a good man in service to a government like this the whole time and the writing’s been on the wall since book 1 but I don’t want this to be happening to hiiiiim)
- tfw... ur dragon boi is so good... that being anything less than good for him in turn is unthinkable...................... b o i
- ...jane doesn’t really know him very well if she didn’t see this coming from a mile off tho does she
I mean I guess she has other stuff to think about but this shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone
- remember when he thought the entire corps was weird and now he’s finally at home there... and has to leave it behind :):):) super extra fine is what this is
- yeah okay laurence definitely has a crush on ol’ bonaparte noting that down lol he’s all but blushing after that kiss on the cheek 
also... if you just overlook the dictator thing for a moment is napoleon wrong about what he’s saying tho. (no and not even laurence is prepared to say so he’s just going to go back there and get murdered anyway b/c idk lawful good is dumb as fuck sometimes I guess)
It’s really cool how the author shows that napoleon has a better handle on laurence’s psychology after barely meeting him than a lot of people he’s known for years now, though, really adds to his menace and appeal as a character
- wow uh that’s one way to end a book... it’s actually tipped over from tragedy into a strange sort of hilarity for me now: he literally got sued out of his life’s earnings for being a decent human being, committed treason for the same reason and is about to be hanged for thinking genocide might have been a step too far -- in the span of thirty pages. I believe ‘that escalated quickly’ is not too much of an exaggeration here
- SIPHO IS GONNA WRITE BOOKS ONE DAY YOU GUYS!!!! I PROUDLY WELCOME OUR SECOND NERD TO THE CREW
 - I think this one might be my least favorite so far? not that I disliked it, it’s just the one that’s hit the worst by the fact that there’s not always that much time spent with the cultures central to the book; tswana seems really interesting but because of the way the plot played out and our limited perspective though laurence it just didn’t work for me? the cool shit comes in sipho’s book at the end, like how thoroughly they kicked the europeans out of the coast of africa, which is very cathartic (I will say that most of the second book being set on the ship and then only a sliver of it is actually in china annoyed me too haha) 
I have the distinct feeling this book is setting up for some Misery and breaking of the pattern a bit in the next one though, which will be interesting! ONWARDS TO MORE PAIN AND LAURENCE IS ALREADY PASSIVELY SUICIDAL FROM THE OUTSET SO LIKE... I’M SURE THIS WILL BE REAL FUN :)
maybe my boy will be back tho? silver linings silver linings clinging to some silver linings
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Ep. 9&10: “I’m just--------peeing quite frankly” - Madi
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Steven
Was I entertained by this tribal and Julia playing her idol? Yes I very much was. Was I about to simultaneously puke and cry at the same time? Yes. Yes I was. Can this game have one single ounce of something that wont make me go into tears.
Anastasia
We are so dumb and stupid and dumb and stupid. I dont know why we would all vote for one person?? ESPEVIALLU if the person knows they are going and especially if that person is julia and shes already rlly good at lying. we were all blinded by our mutual force to get her out and we didnt think it out heck frick. sorry moth this is so unfair. moth was trying to get julia out the most bcs julia targetted moth last season. why julia has a thing against moth in this game? i dont know!! anyway we have to get that girl out next round and we will split vote pls it has to happen we cant give up she has to go
Madi
im just--------peeing quite frankly
go off julia, you did that, props to you
Raffy
Julia playing that idol is the best and most iconic play in this game thus far. The dramatics of the fight to ensure that all the votes landed on her? Keeping the people who she knew would get skittish and snake-ish so she has a higher chance of staying next round? Literally, this all works in her favor. To be honest, I don't even want Julia gone at this point. I want someone like Ginnifer or Rachel gone for future security. Sure Julia will eventually snake me, but keep your enemies close and all that.
Ginnifer admitted ON CALL that she almost voted for Steven WHEN STEVEN WAS THERE. She also wanted an alliance with Julia, Madi, Steven, and I in the same call! Then, DeNara gets on call and Ginnifer ADMITS to wanting to create an alliance without her. I'm just kind of shook. Why would I want to work with Ginnifer anyways if she's been targeting me since the swap? There's no reason to other than being chaotic. Then, Julia transitions to pitching with working with her! And Madi is calling her out! This after-tribal call is a mess. But, now the target is fully off of me. Mwahahaha. These people???
Ginny
Moth was idoled out yikes but I tried to make a new alliance but it failed
Steven
Im trying to figure out what Ginny's logic is. First you say that you wanna target all the winners cause we are the biggest threats in the game. Then you tell me TO MY FACE after a wild tribal that you almost voted for me to leave tonight. Even after all that you then turn around and try to align yourself with the winners that you were just targeting to spice it up???????? Im sorry but Im not following this.
Julia
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1AxVD3qWAkVmL_7fWiHERvNIg9VkKFS1W/view?usp=drivesdk
Raffy
According to DeNara, Elle wants to create an alliance with DeNara, Steven, and I. This could be a good back up alliance for the time being. Additionally, it gives us more numbers on our side if we ever need to turn on Gian and Madi. However, I don't want to do that anytime soon. They are great allies to have. Plus, they are able to think and are going after Julia. So, it should all work in my favor. I love being able to slip by each tribal with my target not being shot. I am thinking of throwing this challenge so Ginny can get the yeet though.
Madi
hi its madi and im being messy did I just text DeNara and ask her to be in a tighter alliance with me bc its gonna get to the point where the winners have to go? have I been reinforcing since the merge to anastasia that we are working together and that shes my partner in this game? did I just say “partner to partner” to anastasia that we should start an all girls alliance? did I also ask denara? me, denara, anastasia, rachel, and elle? rachel wont talk to me tho:( bc I “lied” so thats a speed bump denara also thinks she is the only one I told ab this and when I asked if we should tell anastasia she said that anastasia is a “blabber mouth” so “not yet”??????? am I fucking up my game? idkkk come back tomorrow thank the lords I have an idol if this blows up in my face???
DeNara
That awkward moment when you don't remember what your confessionals say anymore and you are repeating yourself a lot lol
Steven
https://youtu.be/2NGxkNjrGdk
DeNara
Soooo after Moth got voted out and Ginnifer decided to go a little crazy and try and make new alliances without us, Elle and I have decided to jump ship on the Lucky Charms alliance. She suggested talking to Steven and Raffy which was a great idea. I talked to them and they said they would be down with that so we are going to make a new alliance when Elle brings it up.
TEA. Steven and Raffy want to stick with our alliance of 5 with Madi and Gian because they trust them but Madi messaged me today saying she wanted to make a tighter alliance with me so we can eventually take out the winners. I am not sure if I should tell Steven and Raffy this or not yet, as it could end up worse for me if I do....
DeNara
You know, I should give myself more credit in this game. I have played the middle so well this season so far. I have an alliance with literally everyone in this game except Julia and Anastasia and Anastasia tells me things when I ask her lol I think I can do well in this game if I play my cards right.
DeNara
Oooooh so I made an alliance chat with Raffy, Steven and Elle. Sounds like we are gonna try and get Ginnifer out before Julia now. I did tell Julia I would try and spare her a round since she didn't vote me out o.O
Elle
✨A New Alliance Has Been Formed✨Me, DeNara, Steven, and Raffy ^_^ Which is great bc I trust DeNara, and I feel really good about Steven and Raf (I don't think?? they would betray us 😂but I am not sure of anything anymore lol ahhhh the post merge paranoia is real) I also feel really good about this challenge. I get to work on my layout designs for the magazine me and Madi are working on which is great! I don't know why I always worm in something I want to be practicing into these challenges lol, probs bc I'm prone to being like "I'll get right on that!" and then... not 😂 so the challenges are good excuses. I also would have Loved to make a tarot deck like the example ugh that seems so cool 😭
DeNara
So I told Raffy and Steven about Madi bringing up a potential tighter alliance and I regret it. I feel like that was something I should have kept to myself Stevenhttps://youtu.be/dWdKo0iuaV4
Raffy
DeNara created an alliance with Elle, Steven, and I. Steven and DeNara still don't want to tell Gian and Madi about it. Ok I guess. If they find out though, I am throwing DeNara under that bus so fast. Secondly, it seems Elle wants to target Ginnifer as well this round. I love ur impact. Now, we just need two more votes. One of them being Julia. The others possibly Gian and Madi if I can convince them. Rachel and Anatasia would probably still target Julia. I am trying to not obviously throw this challenge.
Gian
The way I ate Steven up on this lip sync. It was so fun to do! Im really happy we did this challenge :)
Elle
The judges are judging🎶 (to the tune of "The Lady's Improving" from The Prom) Anyway, I just want to preface that the first ad was supposed to be the only like, purposefully kinda bad layout in the magazine 😂 I was low on time and I regretted the color palette, it was way too saturated but Madi and I had agreed on it and I didn't want to be more annoying than I was already being about the magazine 😅. Also, I need to remember people read these afterward 😂 I'm incredibly bad at not just spewing whatever is in my mind sometimes, I feel like I might've overshared a couple of times but it happens! This probably counts as oversharing bc it's not about gameplay... yes okay back on topic I hope we win, if we don't I'll be okay I'll just be ticked at myself for staying up past 2AM but realistically if I didn't hyperfocus on that it'd be something else 🤷🏽‍♀️ atleast this was productive, I got to work on layouts a little (I mean technically I got quite a few layouts but so many are baddd 😭😭😭 like if a professor saw some of these they'd faint and then kick me out of graphic design lmao). But the point wasn't for it to be professional, so it's okay!!!!! I'm telling myself that so I don't go back and fix everything lol.
Raffy
The plan as of right now is to target both Ginnifer and Julia. Personally, I want Ginnifer out because she has been a very chaotic mess since the merge started. I would rather want that gone now rather than later when we no longer have the chance. I made the plan to split the vote 4-4 against Ginnifer and Julia. DeNara, Steven, Elle, and I (the secret alliance hidden from Gian's and Madi's view) will vote for Ginnifer. Gian and Madi know about this. They, along with Anastasia and Rachel, will vote for Julia. So, it should not matter who either of them vote for. However, it would be nice if they could vote each other. This plan does come with its risks though. I am willing to take those risks. And, if I get a bad smell, I will use my SWP to get out of the sticky situation.
DeNara
Well. Today is tribal day. I have been feeling worn down so much the past couple days and part of me just wants to be carried by others for a while. On the other hand, part of me feels like it might be time to make a big move soon because that is how you win. If Julia is still here after the vote tonight, then I feel like I just need to team up with her because clearly she needs to be blindsided. The lack of chatter has me worried.....like why is nobody talking??? Is it because they have all teamed up and are plotting against one of my alliances, or are they just tired and busy like me? I am not sure... I am suspicious that Julia hasn't really been talking. I know she said she had personal stuff going on but who knows if that is all of it, or just part of it. I am feeling the desire to flip on my alliance soon. Idk if I will because I feel tight with Steven and he plays loyal, but if I told him about Madi wanting to flip on the winners soon I may be able to do something... I kind of want to start actually lying to people, like... full blown lies... muahahaha! We shall see what happens if I am not blindsided tonight.
Raffy
DeNara is so paranoid. This is what she told me: "I am pretty nervous about Julia teaming up with some ppl and making a play tonight. Should we come up with some crazy lie just to scare her? I am not sure what we could say, but I am feeling nervous about her?" Like, do you want to become the target? Doing that is a surefire way of becoming one. Everyone is BUSY. They're DOING things. The situation only becomes dire later on in the day. There's no reason to be doing all this when there is still time to discuss tribal. I might just dip because I am not going to get punished for DeNara being paranoid. Like, if Julia wanted to target us, she would have already done so. DeNara is just... very taxing to work with because she thinks that everyone is against her. I feel like I needed to talk her down from making a move that would have certainly gotten her voted out.
Ginny
Ohhh girl I’m scared tonight I better not get blindsided because Lordy I got it when moth left and I wasn’t prepared whooo Jesus
DeNara
So I have been talking to Elle a bunch and someone told her about the split vote between Ginny and Julia. I am trying to play as though she is the one giving me this information, even though I helped plan it. I actually am feeling really close with Elle and hoping I can get far with her. I might make her my real number one with Steven. I like Steven a lot but I am worried he won't turn on Raffy when it is time. Raffy keeps getting a little frustrtaed with how hard I am trying to play this game (which is fair) so he may have to go after Julia and Ginny. I am getting concerned about these newbies though. We should take one of them out soon to even out the numbers. Also, I have been trying to get idol hunt information from as many people as I can and I remembered that Gian got an advantage during a game, so I am trying to get him to tell me what number it was since he didn't add it to our group chart
Anastasia
Me and Julia were paired together for the challenge. Since we're trying to get that girl out I didn't want to win. I was a little worried that somehow ours would win but we got second to last. Julia was sadly going through stuff in real life and struggled. It's good for me but I sympathize with her.. Anyway Julia is out of here tonight.
Julia
Ok so last tribal was so sexy the looks on everyone’s faces are now burned into my brain
Julia
I’m really hoping it’s Ginny tonight. I’m going to try to pull out some shit and hope and pray put nothings in my hands tonight
Rachel
i am so happy to be playing with such nice people. i really do be getting in my own head sometimes, but it is so nice to be reassured that i am playing a fun game and no one feels ill will towards me in anyway. i feel awesome to be supported by this group. i had a tragic event happen in my life this week, but plan to move forward and try to have the most fun while playing in his honor.
Julia
I’m at tribal right now and I feel like I’m going to puke. It’s definitely me. It’s been a ride friends. Julia out
Madi
So I got immunity, Julia went home. Sad but necessary. I really respect her as a player and would love to work with her sometime but just not this game. Also kinda annoyed that raffy called me out at tribal during the revote..... like yeah I came up with the revote but why call my name out for it???? like what is the deal with that. He is my next target tho so like hehehehe raffy its time to go. I am thinking we convince him ginny is going home and blindside him instead??? idk just thoughts
goodnight!
DeNara
So we just voted Julia out and I am actually sad about it. I am glad the threat is gone, but she was fun for sure. Now my alliance of 5 is standing strong, if I stay loyal...
Raffy
R.I.P. Julia, Queen of the Idol. The plan went off without a hitch which is pretty boring, but it means I have a lot of control in this game. I am excited for Touchy Subjects as it will be a very revealing challenge. If I had my choice, a newbie or Ginnifer would get voted out next.
Gian
My game is borderline UTR/Goat at this point and idk if that’s something I’d want to change lol. I’ve been feeling lazy >-<
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odrseasonone · 5 years
Text
Pilot Outline??
So imma do it - I’m gonna try something I rarely do...a story outline!!  Something I hate doing!!  That’s how PUMPED I am aklsdjflkdjsf ;DDD  Also, I feel like I need it to get my thoughts in order bc basically the inside of my skull is just incoherent screaming on a constant loop ;DDDD  WARNING: this is gonna be a long post!!! ;D
main purpose of pilot: to introduce main characters (main protagonist: roran; main antagonist(s): cassius, rowena, dmitrei, dezód), world, & general plot
must establish what is normal vs what therefore is not
also the foundational relationships, which are roran & arya (at end), roran & charles, roran & cassius, charles & cassius, cassius & rowena, the resistance
things to consider: the 5 w’s
who
what
where
when
why
main action of the pilot episode (which must, itself, act as the inciting incident for the action of the entire series): 
additionally each primary character, as well as the episode plot, should have some sort arc a la:
beginning/inciting incident/set-up: 
start:
inciting incident:
middle/rising action/confrontation:
obstacle to overcome:
midpoint:
tension rises:
end/climax, resolution/resolution:
climax:
dénoument:
so roran is our main character, but since his story doesn’t really start until the end of this episode (finding the egg), he is not the protagonist of this particular episode.  in fact, as i’m thinking about it, he might not even be fully introduced until a later episode - finding the egg could essentially serve as his introduction?????? bc im finding it a bit jarring to try and introduce both his thread and the ~political thread at the same time in terms of keeping things happening and not just focusing on exposition??????
i’m struggling to narrow down what to focus on in the pilot and what i’m starting to wrestle out of all of this is that...maybe alexandir or alaric or even cassius or rowena is the protagonist of the pilot episode??????
So here are some potential outlines as a result of this line of thought!!  I also 100% feel we could overlap all of these and, if we go that route, that should make a nicely full episode!!  I’ve isolated 6 (w a possible 7th in Roran??) potential focal characters for the pilot that I think, woven together, could form a pr coherent story for the pilot.  Whatcha think?
focal character: ALEXANDIR GODIVA
INCITING INCIDENT: The war is won
start: establish alex’s experience in the war!! show the flow of his life and how he feels to see it come to an end
inciting incident: alex’s fifteen years of life must now change as he leaves behind combat and returns home
to a family who wants him dead - a fact of which he is utterly aware and doesn’t particularly expect to survive
RISING ACTION: alex returns to the imperial city
obstacle to overcome (that is, particular incident w/ which the episode will deal): ???????????? maybe he helps GUIN????
establish character arc obstacle: his family wants him dead!!! he wants to change aragoth for the better...and survive it
also wants to find and help the rebels!! and throne HELENA
his bio states that he would’ve returned earlier, but he spent time looking for aalis - i’d forgotten!
no one at home is particularly happy to see him besides some kids who he doesn’t really know!! #goodtimes
midpoint: alex tells CASSIUS just what he thinks and that sort of clears the air even tho alex is probs like ‘yup im 100% dead now’
tension rises: the possible helping of GUIN????????? something else????????
END: ????????????????
climax: more to do w the possible helping of GUIN???????
dénoument: he may or may not suspect guin’s involvement w the resistance but he at least knows there are other good ppl at court
resolution: alex decides he’s gonna do everything he can do to help aragoth here at court && even goes to coucil meeting
focal character: ALARIC DE MONTFORT
START: we spot alaric helping out some beggars, giving them bread and coin tho we see he doesn’t have much, himself, see his forest home, etc.
we don’t know anything about his background tho we only know what we see today
except for a loose sprinkling of little clues
we also see his relationships w the various members of the resistance tho probs focus most on GUIN for this ep
and also CEDRIC just bc they’re so tight but GUIN’s def the bigger character here to focus on!!
INCITING INCIDENT: tax collectors come to town to further clamp down on the ppl!! no thanks!! #getoutofmycounty
alaric quickly sees that he can turn this to their advantage, however, as all the gold that’s been collected has to be transported
and they can 100% make that work for them
we also see through this, not only that he’s done this before, but also that he has a history w the roads, the county, the laws...
OBSTACLE TO OVERCOME: ppl!!! starving!!!!!
ok he doesn’t have any permanent fix but he’s got some impermanent ideas to help things along!
and he’s working towards a better future so there’s that!!
MIDPOINT: setting the plan in motion i guess???????
TENSION RISES: receives info from CASSIUS via GUIN!!!! 
CLIMAX: the whole burning village scenario
DENOUMENT: handing out all the $$$$$$$ to the ppl successfully but knowing that ppl have been hurt and killed 
and things could easily have gone ever WORSE
‘if only we had a dragonrider on our side too hmmm’ ~alaric, probs ;D
RESOLUTION: resolution is a really strong word for the end of a pilot ep ;D but i guess he knows better what the stakes are 
and can plan accordingly
focal character: CASSIUS MONTAGU
start: cassius is tasked w the v happy task of getting to tell ROWENA her uncle is coming back!! yay!! not a dreaded thing at aLL!!!
inciting incident: returns the imperial city to find that the privy council is meeting w/o him rudE!!!! 100% convinced they’re plotting
(lbr he’s probs right)
acts! like! an! ass!
++ a fun meeting w ROWENA #notweird
obstacle to overcome: aLEX is baCK!!!!! & this is weird bc cassius likes him which is worSE then when he doesn’t like ppl!!!! 
also keeping the status quo, in general, on an even keel despite the resistance
esp bc 50/50 chance he’ll have to kill alex asp too
also fun bc asp they’ll be the two (2) suspects for JON’s murder and cassius be like [ x ]
midpoint: he and alex reach a weird understanding in that alex tells him exactly what he thinks and cassius is like ‘...yeaH’ 
and weirdly pleased to learn that at least one (1) person is still honest
even tho it sucks bc alex is like ‘yo i know what you did and whY’
also use this confrontation to build up cassius’ bad rep ;D
tension rises: something w the resistance and getting the queen’s tax???????????? and alex??????????????
climax: an adventure scene!! someone/something 100% gets set on fire and cassius walks through it like the bad, bad badass he is
dénoument: the resistance still gets the $$$$$$$ tho even tho like a town or something has been burned to the ground
and obv the privy council spins this to their benefit likE ‘those evil rebels burned ur village!! by summoning the fury of cassius!’
resolution: mah boy knows he needs to stay on his toes 
but honestly pr much things’re the same for him as they ever were 
so i guess this is basically a ‘the hero’s journey’™ ep for him that way ;DDD jk jk
focal character: GUINEVERE FONTAINE
start: we start out w her at the resistance camp as someone fighting to make a better world!!
not ready to show too much of her life, that’ll come later, she’s mostly a bridge between plots here
we can probs infer tho from her dress and ofc her court connections that she’s of rank
also the fact that at court she’s ‘lady fontaine’ might give some of that away aldjfklsdjfkljdsf
inciting incident: the meeting w ALARIC at camp where they hatch their possible redistribution of wealth scheme ;D
obstacle to overcome: she’s a spy!! her whole situation is just terrible!!
mostly tho trying to get info to the resistance from court w/o getting caught herself
esp bc she’s exploiting CASSIUS and that’s just...noT the position you wanna be in
esp when you watch him walk out of a fire unhurt and ur like ‘im gonna piss off THAT guy’ isabella does NOT approve
midpoint: guin uses a moment of CASSIUS’ tenderness to get some precious info...
tension rises: that she then has to get to the resistance w/o being caught!!
cue a whole sneaking around scene(s) && ahhhhh suspense stuff probs
what is this precious info you may ask???? NO! CLUE!
climax: deF a scene where she almost gets caught and maybe even thinks she’s been recognized for a moment
dénoument: it turns out she’s scott free buT she now knows she needs to be v, v careful
resolution: she’s still alive AND still in danger but she decides to continue anyway bc she’s a brave babe and believes in good <3
focal character: ROWENA GODIVA
start: the mysterious gracious queen enjoying her regal splendour!! its good to be queen!! 
esp a dark queen 
beautiful, and terrible as the dawn, treacherous as the sea, stronger than the foundations of the earth! all shall love her and despair!
inciting incident: CASSIUS brings her some bad news that not only is her uncle NOT dead, he’s also coming back home a hero
making the political situation untenable for offing him quickly
instead she has to reward him!!! gross!!!!
ofc she decides to use this v reward to kill him AND warn AVELINA but we don’t know that yet
or really anything she’s thinking!!
obstacle to overcome: rowena’s got a few! but she thinks atm that she’s stopped the prophecy (which she believes was about her not dezod)
her main thing now is mostly maintaining her own power: a goal troubled by alex’s reappearance esp w/ ROMAYNE
++ the pesky resistance situation but mostly she just sicks CASSIUS on them
and (eventually) she turns both political situations to her own favor...as always
AND punishes CASSIUS for letting things get out of hand by arranging her wedding to someone else!!
midpoint: announces her intention to wed ROMAYNE, thus helping to neutralize him as a political opponent, etc.
and essentially making him a glorified hostage yay!
tension rises: ?????????????????
climax: ?????????????????
dénoument: good help is really hard to find, these days, but at least CASSIUS isn’t 100% useless ;D
he’s still just as good at burning down villages and instilling the fear of GODS in the populace as ever so that’s something ;D
resolution: everyone’s in line atm...but rowena knows well and good that won’t last and she has to remain vigilant as ever...
focal character: ROMAYNE ‘i was a male war bride’ VITALIS
start: romayne decides to change EVERYTHING by helping aragoth overcome his bro and subjugate the southern isles
inciting incident: this plan quickly backfires
not only is he ~not king, or even governor, but he’s now a pawn in an entirely foreign game of chess on someone else’s board...again
but romayne’s nothing if not resilient and he determines to find a way to adapt to this, too
obstacle to overcome: basically everything in his life tbqh ;D
jk mostly surviving the imperial court and esp his bride-to-be who he’s 50/50 sure means to do away w him soon after marriage
also arriving at court and learning he’s def noT gonna be the governor of the southern isles like he’d imagined
also, like, trying to understand them and their customs etc - makes him a good exposition tool too ;D
midpoint: ?????????????????
tension rises: ?????????????????
climax: is informed, w the rest of court, the queen’s intention to wed him, 100% considers this to be a death sentence
dénoument: realizes that, tho virtually a prisoner here, he does still have some power 
his situation now isn’t so v different from how things were under his bro so he knows he can live w this
resolution: invited to join the privy council as ROWENA’s future consort && begins feeling out fellow players in this game...
focal character: RORAN DEGREY
start: has a pr nice life w his surly uncle at his boring farm, being a town menace tbh
inciting incident: ?????????????????
obstacle to overcome: ?????????????????
midpoint: ?????????????????
tension rises: ?????????????????
climax: ?????????????????
dénoument: ?????????????????
resolution: that awkward moment when you stumble upon ur uncle’s hidden dragon eggs (but don’t know their his) and one hatches...
possibly the v end shot of a boy finding dragon eggs and one hatching is the v first we see of roran?????
and delve into him in the next ep???????
OVERALL (if we throw this all in together...)
start: things suck in aragoth
inciting incident: things still suck in aragoth but now they suck a lil less bc there’s no more war and alex is coming home
the resistance develops a plan to steal back $$$$$$$$
obstacle to overcome: the starvation of the populace!!
midpoint: guin pries info out of cassius
tension rises: alex helps guin somehow??????????
climax: getting the info to the resistance just in the nick of time (and thereby saving their lives?????) but failing to save a village
cassius burns down a village in a face off w the resistance (idk how this works exactly tho????????)
dénoument: somewhat pyrrhic victories on both sides
the money’s gone to the ppl but a village has been burned and the area’s scared shitless of the gov again
resolution: things still suck in aragoth but at least we know what aragoth is ;D no, but actually, there’s a new dragon rider on the rise...
So what do you think??????  also,~ if we do like this format for an ep, is it a better ep2 than pilot or is it good pilot fodder??????
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lady-nevermore · 7 years
Text
Third Session
June 5, 2017
Yesterday I:
5AM - Went to Church with my mom (been finding it really relaxing and peaceful actually).
8 AM - Accompanied and Went with my folks on running their errands.
12/ Noon - Went to the Flea Market (haven’t been in lke forever, saw a bunch of cool stuff like always) and at the behest of my parents, whom also decided to give this a go, got a message......I actually feel like it loosened me up a bit....feel a lot more: sensitive/tender around my shoulder area/neck...at least i don’t feel those damn kinks anymore....but  idunno if i like feeling this tender/sensitive/vulnerable around there. >_>;
1-5 PM - Went the Grocery Store and spent the last remaining hours looking for that dratted, evasive gift-bag (more details below in a sec). >_<;
6-7 PM Ate Dinner, and Took a shower.
8-9 PM - Went to bed, and actually slept well. 
Today I:
- 6:45 AM: Went with my mom, for the third/fourth time this week, walking around our local Half Library/Half Duck Pond (powered-walked for an hour and saw a bunch of the local wildlife: Squirrels, ducks, geese, robin-birds, crows, etc). It’s always very nice and soothing to see, not to mention it makes me smile. :)
- 7:00-11:00 AM: Did some housework, laundry, made and prepared dinner for tonight as well as for the following days, and tried to fix my TV (sorta worked....still pending....we’ll see). 
12/Noon Ate Lunch (made myself a small Tuna Salad with cucumbers, and spinach, with a side of baby carrots, a couple of pieces of store-bought Sushi, and a granola bar); it was really nice actually. :)
1-4 PM Tried to take my mind off my nerves/anxiety a bit, managed to listen to music, and read a bit before mentally preparing myself for My Therapy appointment at 5 PM.
6-7 PM: Ate a healthy dinner and afterwards have been writing this therapy blog up till now......Looking at the clock: it’s 9PM *sigh*  -___-;
9 PM - Gonna get off tumblr, take a shower and head to bed (whilst reading a fanfic); G’night y’all *yawn*
So yeah, Today and Yesterday have been semi-stressful (a little bit hectic) to say the least; Y’all remember my ‘Aunt C aka The Poor Excuse of an Aunt who emotionally traumatized/abused me when I was 5, well her daughter let’s call her “Jay” has a Graduation this upcoming Friday....Ironically enough, Jay is graduating from my old alma-mater/my old high school: AHS High.....I’m not that close to Jay for obvious reasons (I’ve sorta sub consciously stayed away/distanced myself away from them in order to avoid Aunt C.....but then again I rarely like to spend time with or at family reunions, nowadays anyways). >_>;
But that’s beside the point; I’m proud of my younger cousin, proud and happy for her: she’s an AP student, got a full scholarship to UC Davis (aka the College I’ve always dreamed of going as well as the same old alma-mater of my Old Mentor/Friend who passed away but meant a great great deal to me to the point where he left his mark/imparted his memory onto me), and who is so amazingly ambitious that my dear cousin jay dreams of becoming a Doctor. This is why I’m soo damn proud of her (tho a selfishly part of me does feel a twinge of jealousy/envy....but my happiness/pride of her is far greater), She’s probably going to be one of the few in our family who might actually achieve graduating from a legit University, and effing applaud her for that. I mean I know that we may not be close (nor do I know If I would ever want to be, considering her connection to my abuser aka my Aunt C/her mother)....But despite that, it is in my nature to try to look past that and kindly offer a gesture of happiness in congratulating her, cause I am honestly quite proud of her. :)
....Which is why I decided to impart to her what my old mentor/friend imparted onto me when I graduated from AHS High: A nice couple of (and by couple I mean 2) boxes of Tea, specifically Vanilla Chai Tea and Earl Grey ; My Mentor, let’s call him Obi-Wan (cause he was a huge die-hard fan of Star Wars), well Obi-Wan always said that Tea helped him to relax, and I wholly agree with him in this statement, it’s been around 9 years since he introduced me to the Wonders and Joy that is Tea (and 8 years since he passed away from Colon Cancer), but it’s something that I feel will always connect me to him, and in turn is my own personal means of honoring his memory.
So, I hope that my little gift/gesture to Jay (isn’t too cheap/offensive in her eyes or my Aunt C’s in that matter) and that it will help her to relax throughout her fun, but what I’m sure will be quite the stressful venture that is College/University (I dropped out, something I’m ashamed of, so I can’t talk or say much on the matter, but I do hope it’ll help Jay in the long run). I say this in all seriousness, because I ended up having a nervous-breakdown by taking waaaaay too many college-courses/classes (around 5-6 tops) what with my mentor/friend passing away, plus me struggling depression, pushing my friends outta of my life/cutting them off, as well as struggling with said classes and me being sleep-deprived on top of that didn’t help....it was just too damn much and now here I am now (struggling with anxiety and going to therapy....though my issues have been long since precedent and something that I’ve been dealing far longer) but the point is Jay is a High ranking AP student and off to a legit High Ranking University......that can’t be easy on her poor shoulders the bear, which is why I worry and hope she doesn’t repeat my mistakes........hence a few kind, meaningful, soothing words of wisdom on the graduation card I got for her, as well as the heartwarming gesture of Tea. But yeah, I hope it at the very least make her smile (and think oh, how appropriate, Tea: a nerdy gift from my dorky cousin Lady Nevermore). lol x)
So I told my Therapist that I woke up today feeling melancholic for no apparent reason (or so I thought); But my therapist thinks that I might me projecting my stress/anxiety from Yesterday (when I was trying to find/prepare the perfect gift for me to give Jay for her Graduation) onto today; She’s not wrong ....I was sorta freaking out, yesterday,  that we were never going to find the perfect gift-bag for the occasion (not to mention that my indecisiveness/pickiness didn't help)...most of the gift-bags were either too tacky or not appropriate (birthday gift bags for example)....but in the end I got lucky and found the perfect one, yay! :D
So yeah, I talked to my therapist about my anxiety/fear that Jay ro my Aunt C will find my gift cheap/offensive and or worse, she’ll want to start to get close to me (and considering her connection to my abuser, having my Aunt Cas her mother)......yeah that’s not something I’m at all entirely comfortable with, like at all. :/
We talked a little bit about my Mentor/Old Friend, Obi-Wan and how his passing/death affected me aka via anxiety-terror filled nightmares, etc (but I don’t really wanna get into that atm, maybe later or some other time). We discussed how my therapist is glad that I’m continuing to go outside (going to church, walking around the library-duck pond area, and going to stores or to the grocery store with my folks; it’s been three weeks more or less of this now without me feeling too overwhelmed)
2nd Piece of Homework: Note to Self: Notice and become Aware of what triggers my depression or anxiety during stressful/anxiety-filled situation and write it down (this way we can start identifying what triggers my anxiety/depression and what me and my therapist can start to work on).
****Pretty sure I forgot a lot of other stuff, and I will probably try to add more to this later or post another one of these the following weeks, but for now this’ll have to do.
Just got back from therapy (around 6 pm-ish and it took me a while to eat dinner, not to mention get on tumblr and organize my thoughts in order to write this blog) and I’m Feeling sorta tired/drained/low-key sorta cranky and i really really really just wanna go shower and go to bed right now (and recharge); sucks cause I really wanted to start pick up where the anime in Bleach left off, and start reading the manga (Bleach) and / or watch one of the bleach movies....or another Ghibli film.....or hell, at the very least cruise on tumblr (reblogging, chatting, etc) for a bit. *sigh* Ah well, maybe tomorrow. -____-;
Welp, Later, and Good Night my dears! *hugs* :)
- Lady Nevermore
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swearronchanel · 7 years
Text
6.08, my last commentary™ R I P to me
I wanted to post this right away but my phone died and I broke my charger so I had to handle that but now I’m finally able to. I’m literally dead, I STILL can not process how amazing it was. So I’ll just get on with it post my earlier thoughts  
¡¡TODAY IS THE DAY AHH!! IM FREAKING LATE KILL ME
BUT HOW ARE WE ALREADY HERE? IM NOT READY FOR THIS SERIES TO END BUT I NEED TO SEE SHELGAH *SAFELY* GIVE BIRTH TO A HEALTHY BABY. ANYWAY IM LITERALLY GOING TO DIE AFTER THIS EPISODE SO ENJOY THE FINAL THOUGHTS OF MY LIFE, LETS GET IT ..
MY HEART IS ABOUT TO EXPLODE ITS BEATING SO FAST
TBH I MIGHT SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST
SCREW THESE CREDITS BUT I NEED THEM BC IM NOT READY OMG
IM SCREAMING
aw baby! & hey val
Does this mean Delia had No letters from pats this whole time??
MY BBY SHELAGH OMG HER BELLY
SHE CANT REACH HER SHOE OMG SO PRECIOUS THOUGH
Sister MJ I love u 😭😂
Family planning clinic!
YES VAL! they’re women not criminals !!
YES TRIXIE THANKS BBY FOR SPEAKING UP
aww poor Barbara
“..There are tales of missionaries served for luncheon in those climes” LMAO OMG SISTER MJ THATS NOT WHAT SHE NEEDS TO HEAR RIGHT NOW
It’s so sweet that Babs really wants her dad, I feel. My grandfather officiated my parents’ and brother’s wedding, I hope he does mine. If someone wants to marry me one day ofc lol 😂😭
SHELAGH IS ACTUALLY YELLING .. WHY DO I LOVE IT?
All the shit she’s been through/delt with and pregnancy sets her off huh..
BUT TRIXE AND SHEALGH INTERACTING YESS NOT THE WAY I WANTED BUT ILL TAKE IT FOR NOW
AWW MY BBY CRYING SOMEONE HUG HER 😭😭💕💕
MY BBY TRIXIE IS SMIRKING AT MY OTHER BBY LOL STOP 😭😭💔
“Hot and bothered” 😭😂 Violet having hot flashes. That’s not funny but i giggled I’m sorry immature of me
I can’t imagine being around when the pill was just coming out(or antibiotics even) like that must have been so wild ? you really would think they were magic *remember Vanessa Redgrave saying that in series 2?*
my mom is a nurse at a gyn/fertility office and she informed me of so much at a young age lol maybe that’s why I’m so curious idk?
lol I remember being like 13 and my friends didn’t know there was more than just the pill when it came to birth control and I really felt I was an expert😂 but *a judge’s voice* irrelevance moving on.
Needing your husbands permisson for a bank account? *sucks teeth* Vete ya!
Aw my bby shelagh 💔💔😭
“And I’ll warrant you’ve never felt more scared” I AM! AND THIS ISNT EVEN MY FICTIONAL PREGNANCY
“Oh lass“😭 PHYLLIS COMFORTING HER OMG I AM CRYING ALREADY, I NEVER KNEW I WANTED THIS
"Phyllis you’ve been a real friend” IM NOT OKAY OMG, THEY’VE COME SO FAR I CRY
OMG SHELAGH BEING SO CUTE WTF OMGGG 💖
PROTECT MY BBY & HER BABY AT ALL COSTS 💕💕
THE NONNATUNs CHEERING SO PURE 😭
“What if something goes wrong?” stop tempting fate Patrick !!
“I’ve made up my mind” MY BBY I CANT DEAL .. once upon a time she couldn’t speak up and was so timid 😭 my bby has grown
Her lipstick is a nice color, wait what’s this lady’s name?
The nurses all together makes me so happy omg why is this so adorable, even Phyllis is there !! SO PURE💕
Lol poor Fred tries his best !
Damn secondment to st Cuthberts, I guess Trixie couldn’t even be considered for to be Shelagh’s midwife
SHELAGH IN THE CARDIGAN >>
OF COURSE SHE CHOSE SISTER JULIENNE WE WOULDN’T HAVE ACCEPTED IT ANY OTHER WAY
“‘MY DEAR” BRB DROWNING IN TEARS
but omg was Phyllis disappointed 😭 no don’t be hurt that’s her basically her mother! (sister j and Phyllis would’ve been a good tag team though)
this montage just reminds me brb #irresponsibleme
Future Hereward’s take a note from the Turners, find out about each other sooner rather than later
LOL TOM’S AWKWARD FACE BC BABS IS GETTING CONTRACEPTION
it’s Wilma! her name is Wilma, noted.
Lol what does she sell? Is the company like Avon ? 😂I’m confused but also screaming too much internally
poor Babs is so nervous and feeling awkward 😂
Her face while on the bed😂 I feel
LMAO BABS TAKING OUT THE DIAPHRAGM & DROPPING IT HA
BUT WAIT THAT WAS THE TURNERS BATHROOM WTF ??
Patrick putting on or tying Shelagh’s shoes my fucking heart is melting
She doesn’t want him there .. for now?
“..We’re a team” 😭😭💕💕 marriage goals
“The minute I look at you I’ll give you everything you ask for” BRB I AM INDEED GOING TO SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST
I CAN NOT DEAL
Phyllis exercising 😭😂
“I have chosen one of my friends” OMG MY HEART
PHYLLIS BE MY BRIDESMAID !??
why does she only have one though? is it more like a maid of honor?
HERES COME MORE TEARS
THE SPANISH AYE DIOS MI CORAZON
Aw good for Wilma being happy with her job! Does everyone call the sofa the settee?
There’s that babycham! Still was never sure if it was alcoholic or nah? sparkling cider maybe?
OMG I HAVE A BOTTLE IN MY BAG THAT I BROUGHT FROM FLORIDA
new drinking came, shots every time the show makes you cry lol jk i’d be on the floor 20 mins in 
that sports car aye
My bby looking good 😍😍
she knows what it’s like to be hurt Christopher😭
You’re not supposed to take 3 at a time Wilma, I’ve been scolded enough
Okay so Babs just fell asleep and that’s all?? Preview made it seem more dramatic
Now is Val going to listen and not touch anything? lol probably
Violet always rocking blue eyeshadow haha
Is that a silicone faja?? that looks hella uncomfortable
TRIXIE’S FACE OF DISGUST HAHA
OMG THE FAM HELPING OUT WITH FUNDS MY HEART
I WANT TO BE APART OF THE NONNATUS FAMILY!
PHYLLIS AND BABS DRESS SHOPPING I LOVE THIS
“.. she’ll have me to reckon with”  TE QUERIO MUCHO PHYLLIS
I NEED A PHYLLIS IN MY LIFE
SHE HAS A FAV DRESS OMG I LOVE HER
HER FACE OMG I NEED THAT SCREENSHOTTED
SHELAGH MY BBY😭😭
Their new bedroom is so 60s I love it
She still didn’t read the pamphlet !! I love her omg, such pure intentions
OMG SISTER J REMINISCING, AH FINALLY SOME ACKNOWLEDGEMENT THAT SHE WAS A NUN, I AM SOBBING BYEE IM DYING. MY HEART RATE IS SLOWING DOWN
POOR DEELS AW OMG she doesn’t deserve this, she barely has screen time don’t hurt her 
Shealgh’s got another nightgown! 1962/2017 is apparently the year of nighties #thebrinylonforthewinthough
I love pink waffers 😭😂
SHIT WHAT’S WRONG WITH WILMA IM SCARED, IS IT A HEART ATTACK?? BLOOD CLOT??
poor vi!! aww she misses reggie too!
AW FRED HUG HER
and he’s fanning her omg so pure
SHEALGH’S GOING IN TO LABOR ?? AHHHHH OMGG IM NOT READY
but also she has a housecoat how cute
SISTER J SAID “HIS SPINE” OMG HOW DOES SHE KNOW ALREADY
“I knew it” bless u bby😭😭 she is a GEM. WHY IS SHE SO LOVABLE?
omg Wilma don’t die, Trixie can u save her 😭
shit not looking good, maybe this was the death they meant
shelagh throwing up yikes
“She’s smiling and waving” yea we know that smiling and waving😂😂 but omg doesn’t this remind anyone of when you’ve been partying too hard but you’re trying to convince your friends that you’re not ready to tap out yet😂😭
if not nevermind I’ll feel trashy lmaoo
PASS THAT GAS AND AIR SISTER J
AW BBY YOU ARE BRAVE!!!!!!!
IM CRYING BUT RUNNING OUT OF TEARS
HOW TF DOES LAURA LOOK GORGEOUS ALL SWEATY AND IN TEARS WHILE PRETENDING TO BE IN LABOR?? & i’m still a creature?
Poor Patrick! He must be going as crazy as I am!
I DONT HAVE ASTHMA BUT I NEED AN INHALER BC I CANT BREATHE IM SO ANXIOUS OMG
IM NOT A SMOKER BUT I FEEL LIKE I NEED A CIGG BC IM ABOUT TO LOSE IT
Trixie is doing Wilma’s makeup omg I can’t take this 😭💔💔
“I can’t believe I used to dream of this” OMG SHELAGH & SISTER J
“Every woman alive is the sum of all she ever did, and felt, and was.” ..“and how do you know that?” ..“ i wasn’t aware that I did until just now”
¡¡¡IM A W R E C K!!! l o v e that
SHE IS SINGING DORIS DAY’s SECRET LOVE AND I AM F*CKING DEAD GOODBYE
PATRICK SINGING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR SOMEONE SEND H E L P IM DYING I BET IT’S “THEIR SONG” & YOU ARE ALL CORDIALLY INVITED TO MY FUNERAL IMMEDIATELY AFTER THIS EPISODE  
I’M NOT GONNA MAKE IT
“We can’t just be like any other couple.. because we’re us”
MY HEART WTF I SWEAR IT IS ABOUT TO BURST BUT IT’S NOT BEATING
IM DEAD INSIDE AND MY BODY WILL FOLLOW WHEN THIS IS OVER
Get in there Patrick!
“The children are here” .. to say goodnight omg no😢
OMG PATRICK HOLDING HER I AM FUCKING SCREAMING
“YOU CLEVER GIRL” OMGG WHO CALLED IT
I CANT SEE WHATS HAPPENING TOO MANY TEARS IN MY EYES
IT’S A BOY I KNEW IT WELL I HAD A FEELING !
BABYTURNERLAND 2.0!!!! QUE LINDO DIOS TE BENDIGA 💖👼🏼
WHAT IS HIS NAME???
THIS IS THE BEST EPISODE OF MY LIFE WOW I CANT PROCESS IT ALL
“May the lord bless you and keep you” OMGGG, JESUS HEIDI WTF ARE YOU DOING TO ME ??!! I’ve never been so invested in a show or fictional characters’ lives like this 😭😭
I NEVER THOUGHT WE’D SEE THIS DAY AND IM HAVING SO MANY FEELS, I BARELY HAVE ANY THOUGHTS I AM S h o o k, I AM NOTHING IN THIS WORLD. JUST USELESS TRASH FOR CTM
WELL, ALMOST 19 YEARS OF LIVING WAS GOOD ENOUGH RIGHT?
HONESTLY JUST PUT ME IN THE GARBAGE BC I HAVE NOTHING OF SUBSTANCE TO SAY IM JUST GUSHING AND DYING
BUT SERIOUSLY LAURA MAIN IS I N C R E D I B L E AND DESERVES EVERY AWARD SO PLEASE GET IT TOGETHER @ THE EMMYS, THE SAGS, THE GOLDEN GLOBES & ALL OTHER AWARDS OF ALL PRESTIGE!!  STOP PLAYING GAMES & GIVE LAURA + CTM THE RECOGNITION IT DESERVES  !! & no excuses it happened for downton!
NO WILMA IS DEAD NO
The pill is so great and useful and miraculous in a way but I’m glad they showed some of its issues but DID THEY REALLY HAVE TO KILL THE FIRST WOMEN THEY GAVE IT TO? I’m still here tho, I’m rolling
NO TOM DONT SAY THaT WTF? TRIXIE IS OVER U AND U ARE OVER HER don’t ruin the moment
why did I think bab’s dad was the rev Applebee Thornton 😭😂😂😂?? where’s Jane lol
My bby trixie serving looks as always 😍😍
Aw his daughter is cute
CHRISTOPHER LOOKS GOOD TOO UGH😍
What are knickerbocker glories?
lol Boots! lowkey want to go there to satisfy my 15 year old self who liked to watch British youtubers affordable makeup videos (tbh I still do when I’m bored)
REGGIE! OMG HE CALLED VI MUM I DIE
OH YEA THE WEDDING OMG LOL I DONT FORGOT FOR A SEC
IM STILL SCREAMING, MY FREAKING BBY JUST HAD A MIRACLE BABY !!!!! I LEGIT RAN OUT OF TEARS WHAT DO I DO
LOOK HOW FAR WE HAVE COME MY GOD
THE GIRLS SINGING “HAPPY WEDDING DAY” TO BABS OMG THAT WAS GREAT, I NEED FRIENDS LIKE THAT
I NEED TO WATCH THIS AGAIN AND IT DIDNT FINISH YET
LMAO TOM AND FRED HUNGOVER, relatable AF😂😭
SO IS TOM’S SURPRISE IS MONEY? Or is he going to buy her something!?
Barbara’s cape reminds me of Phoebe’s from FRIENDS
The stain glass !! love it
PHYLLIS LOOKS SO ADORABLE OMG HER BOUCLE SUIT AW
WHY A HEADBAND ON YOUR WEDDING DAY BABs? BUT good for them lol 😭 I don’t care enough at the moment  but let them be happy they’re so great for each other !
HE GOT A FUCKING CAROUSEL OMG
damn. Nice one Tom. I’m a little jealous, someone needs to love me like that.😭
“At times, the present seems most perfect when it seeds lie in the past. And others, life is rendered flawless when we look towards future, glimpsing from within one golden moment all the joys the days to come might hold” 💕😢😭
THE TURNERS, NOW A FAMILY OF 5 OMGGGGGGG 😭😭
THE NUNS SO PURE ❣️ lol obviously
“We can not stand still because the world keeps turning. Every year must give way to the next and it’s stories must be folded, tucked away like children’s clothes outgrown, cherished and never quite forgotten”
VANNESSA ALWAYS SAYS THE RIGHT THINGS UGH
Aw Angela with Tim!
My BBY SHELAGH IN HER BLUE OUTFIT WITH UNNAMED BABY TURNER ID CRY IF I COULD
“1962 was a year of great change at Nonnatus House, but there’s always change, everywhere, there are always new faces, new tears to shed, new joys to invest in , yet the circle of love is not broken, it expands.” YOU GOT THAT RIGHT🙏🏼👏🏼🙌🏻😭😭😢😢💖💖
I NEED THE CHRISTMAS SPECIAL LIKE TOMORROW PLEASE
lol Val screaming it’s snowing 😭 same
PATSY!!!
SHE AND DELIA KISSED OMG
GOOD FOR THEM 😭
ALSO GOOD FOR ME bc I was tired of the same complaints that BBC broke them apart and Patsy was “sent away” nah man Emerald was busy!
“Love bares all things, love believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things and love never ends”
THIS WAS INCREDIBLE WOW IM A MESS
IF I DIDNT KNOW THEY WERE COMMISSONED FOR 3 MORE SERIES I’D THINK THIS WAS THE END??
BUT UGH NOW WE MUST WAIT
ANYWAY I SEE THE LIGHT FOLKS
IDK IF THIS IS HELL OR HEAVEN BUT I AM DEAD, I SEE THE EARTH BEHIND ME
TBH ITS PROB HELL
Someone throw me in the damn ground already!!
In loving memory of Gabby Nuñez (1998-2017) taken far too soon because of the emotional toll brought by call the midwife, she didn’t choose to get so emotionally invested it just happened. She is grateful for her time on earth, you may leave comments, flowers or send money. Thank you for putting up with her nonsense and foolishness *now someone give my eulogy & someone else may come up and sing a hymn to conclude*
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todokori-kun · 7 years
Text
Yeah, in the first Avengers movie Loki introduces himself like
“I am Loki of Asgard, and I am burdened with glorious purpose.”
(And then Dr. Selvig just has to say “Loki? Brother of Thor?” and ruin his moment)
That picture…oh my. Well, since I don’t exactly go around staring at people’s butts, especially when I’m watching movies (that can wait until I’m at least 16), I wouldn’t know if he’s truly burdened with glorious posterior or not…
Why am I laughing so much right now
Honestly I feel like I’m still at the maturity level where I find these things funny instead of attractive/sexy
Though since I’m 13 I guess it would be slightly worrying if I did found anything sexy lol
YEAH you watched the movie! And I know. Loki gets steadily worse as the movies go on but in Thor 1 he’s definitely relatable and it’s easy to feel for him. My other fave from Thor is Darcy (I also ship Darcy/Loki AKA tasertricks. Idk, it’s one of my crackier ships but it’s also pretty popular in the MCU fandom…possibly because Darcy is one of those sassy minor characters who get shipped with everybody and everything).
And now you’ve seen Loki’s daddy issues. At least his mother is a good parent…?
Don’t be salty Queen Luna! My hair isn’t that long either (it’s like the same length as Thor’s in the first movie, and my mom probably isn’t going to let it get any longer lol).
Also: I have no idea why I always want to make things into a Hamilton AU but
Loki- Burr
Thor- Ham
Nick Fury- G. Wash
Wanda- Eliza (I think you said you haven’t seen Avengers 2 yet, so I guess you’ll understand why I picked her when you see it…it was mostly a choice based on personality. Wanda is Scarlet Witch and while shipping her with Thor is extreme crack and a little bit creepy considering she’s the youngest avenger (minus Vision, who was literally born yesterday), I didn’t really want to have Jane as Eliza. Jane’s nice but she’s not fleshed out enough to be Eliza, plus she and Thor sort of break up later on)
Natasha- Angelica
I feel like Tony-Steve could also be a good Burr-Ham relationship, but I have no idea who would be who. Personality wise it’s really mixed up: Tony has Hamilton’s ambition and talent with words (he’s also reliable with the LADIES) as well as his slightly selfish attitude, but Steve has more of the incredible determination and sense of justice. And for the roles they play, I feel like it’s more Tony=Burr and Steve=Ham (Tony’s jealous of Steve in a way after all- this is the guy who is the perfect hero, the golden boy he can never hope to be, the man his father considered his best project. Plus, their moments in Age of Ultron and Civil War…) but I’m not sure…
And one more thing:
Loki vs. Burr: Who is saltier?
Yeah, Touka might not be one of my favorites but don’t kill her off ;-; at least not now.
Oooh, Ravenclaw definitely seems to suit you! :D But the little bit of Slytherin…you know, I’ve always considered Loki a Slytherin with shades of Ravenclaw (faint, but they’re there). You balance each other out, Luna/Loki was meant to be :)
Lizzy is DEFINITELY best girl. I mean, come on, look at everything she’s done for Ciel!
I’m excited to read those HCs XD
(And a random thing (my brain creates a lot of those):
Remember how Steve mentions in his first movie that he never learned how to dance? Well, I look like an injured octopus when I try to dance, so just imagine… I’d step on his feet, he’d have no idea what to do with his hands, we’d trip over each other’s legs. It’d be an awkward mess.
Then again, I’m so uncoordinated that dancing would probably not go well even if my partner was someone really graceful like Loki or Natasha lol)
Loki fangirls are a mixed bunch. There are the nice, intelligent people who love to make theories and headcanons and write really beautiful fics. There are the more casual fans who just like Loki and/or his actor, Tom Hiddleston.
Then there are the people who worship the ground Loki walks on and believe he can do no wrong.
(Let’s see…killed his biological father, tried to kill his adoptive brother, almost committed genocide, tried to take over an entire planet, fantastically racist towards humans, may or may not have brought his adoptive father to a sticky end…
Yep. 100% pure cinnamon roll. Couldn’t hurt a fly.)
Awww tysm <3333 @(^_^)@
(I do get jealous a bit too easily though. Probably because I have no friends outside of the internet and so when I like someone I really cling to them…and when a friend/just someone I’m close with starts getting close with a stranger I guess my insecurity starts to make me nervous about being left behind lol)
I shall get down on my knees and beg for your forgiveness, your majesty.
that won’t stop all these fandoms from taking over your life tho
Third things third,
Send a prayer to the ones up above
All the hate that you’ve heard has turned your spirit to a dove
Your spirit up above…
Also:
I think I’ve started creating lists of songs for various characters and is it ok if I send you some?
I actually went to rewatch the first few minutes to see that scene. My reaction: sweetie, put that spear away before you poke someone you’re not supposed to poke. 
Poor Loki… All of his moments get ruined XD
To be completely honest, my first reaction isn’t to look at the booty either, unless it is the first thing I see. Even then, I’ll quickly get over it.  and when I saw that picture, I wanted to laugh out loud. I would’ve if it hadn’t been 3am with most of my family sleeping.  Thor of Assgard really had me cracking up, though.
I’m pretty sure that that picture would make most people laugh, instead of finding it sexy XD And I unfortunately can’t find any sufficient pictures that’ll show if Loki’s got the booty or nah.
Is Darcy the oblivious friend of Jane? The one whose ipod got stollen? Honestly, like I said countless times before, I’m not a shippy person and I guess I’m not deep enough into the fandom to ship anything just yet (except for Natasha and Bruce. because hell yeah)
Doesn’t his mom die in Thor 2 though? Spoiler Minefield Internet™ makes its move yet again. I probably should’ve waited a bit before tearing into the Avengers tag ^^;;;;
That’s still longer than mine :p I mean, I’m usually fine with having short hair, but seeing someone as fabulous as Thor does make me a bit jelly XD
So, funny thing. This morning, I was in the bus, listening to my playlist when Wait For It came on. And I just couldn’t help but think of our dearest Drama King (not you :p) and then I come home to this, an Avengers/Hamilton crossover. Great minds think alike ;) I did see Avengers 2 (age of Ultron, right?) I just don’t remember it very well, that’s why it’s on my ‘to watch’ list ^^;;;
To be absolutely honest, I don’t like Jane. She just seems like she was thrown into the story to hame some Thor romance and that’s it. There was no real character development in the movie for her…
Boy, Wanda and Thor would be an interesting relationship XD Maybe Sif? She seems nice enough… I haven’t watched Thor 2, tho
I don’t know…? I still have to watch all the other movies to get a better grasp of Steve’s personality. And it’s be nice if I got reminded of Tony’s a bit more, which I’ll be after Ultron ^^
Loki is saltier. Burr did shoot Ham, but he didn’t attempt to wipe out an entire race.
Touka deserves a nice death, if she does get one. unLIKE YMIR WHOSE DEATH I AM STILL NOT OVER.
I was a bit bored in school today, which means my brain was working at full power, conjuring the weirdest scenarios ever. Here’s one of them High school au, where Loki is the soft nerd who always gets protected by his mighty Jock brother.  that’s as far as i got, but i do find the idea of Nerd Loki quite amusing XD
Awwww, the most adorable thing ever. And the stalker friend would be there filming the whole ordeal :)))
I call Loki my problematic fave. Keyword: problematic. He definitely has some very serious issues in his life and I’m not going to pretend he’s perfect. In fact, he’s very, very far from it.  Honestly, I don’t even know how he ended up as a favourite *facepalms into tomorrow*
You won’t get left behind. If anyone leaves Evans behind, they’ll have an angry Luna coming for them hahah Trust me, I don’t know how I seem, but I have my fair share of insecurities as well. 
I was choking in the crowd Building my rain up in the cloud Falling like ashes to the ground Hoping my feelings, they would drown But they never did, ever lived, ebbing and flowing Inhibited, limited ‘Til it broke open and rained down It rained down, like…
Also, can I say one more thing? I am very, very impressed with how they handled Clint's archery. I used to do archery and usually, i get incredibly mad over how badly it's executed in the movie, but i was seriously impressed this time! They even gave him an elbow guard!
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frecklesandpie-blog · 7 years
Text
1.12.17-4.12.17
1.12 So I ended up not going to that event. But I think I'm going to try and go next week though . I think i am. My dad was great because I closed all my notes on time in my standards, and I left only fifteen minutes after eight which is like the second time i was able to do that. Many more to come. When i think about how overwhelmed I was I think the underlying thought was that I might not get over it. But if I think about what I did to get the things done, which is recognize my need to feel important and connected, realizing that I need to work on getting that need met in life rather than with client, recognizing my fear of rejection and criticism, and paying off by typing in sessions with clients, and doing that for the past two weeks since I returned, it actually didn't take as long as I thought to be able to get to the point where I wanted to be. A big portion of it was just psychological barriers.  Now it's the weekend soon and I need to deal with the presentation and the paper. One thing at a tine tho  I'm going to focus on remember ing stuff for the presentation first.
1.14 so I got over the presentation.the role play was fun, and I spoke fast for the presentation but I still go my points across and made eye contact. I think i did well given the limited amount of time I had to prepare . I'm heading home and I'm so excited to just lay there and do nothing between now and tomorrow noon ish. It feels weird to not be thinking about the presentation because that was my main preoccupation for the past few days. But in glad tho and very happy that I have free time. For this weekend I wanna work on that excel for intervention phrases. And organize all of that. I think. I also want to study or review the cognitive techniques. And finally just work on that family therapy paper. Yup . I will probably write a few pages . My main thing us napping for now. Yup.
1.18 The weekend was great. I got so many things done. And apparently at internship I am good enough note wise to be able to do some notes on my own. I'm sure other interns like Haley got that notice too. I want us all to be hired heh heh. Ive been nervous like all day today though. Nervous about first patient bc he seemed so intimidating . Nervous about the second guy bc he seems upset that I'm an intern but I did just conclude that without much evidence. And nervous about that other girl who seems so smart that I'm intimated by her too. And the n I think of all the nervousness I need to get through to become the therapist I want to become and that overwhelms me. I think of how I want to function better brain wise in my session too and I feel overwhelmed bc it feels impossible to me at this time. But then again a few months ago I thought managing the session time was impossible and compiling the notes was close to impossible. And being where I'm at risk assessment wise was also almost impossible and maneuvering epic the way I know now is also almost impossible. I feel like I'm slowly being sucked into their managed care way of thinking crap and I am not fond of that at all. Even right now I'm nervous. I think it's because of the celexa. It's gotta be that .
1.26 Hey there. I haven't journaled in a while. I think it's because I've been so tired and also busy with school and trying to enjoy my time that I had paper free. I feel like I've been quite distant from him. Or we have a quite distant. Like he's just playing video games and when he's not he's watching videos and we're not really interacting. It may be because we've been walking Chloe for the past 10 days and he's like a baby and needs to curl up and do his stuff when he feels overwhelmed by all the chores. But it's just weird. It feels like we havent been as interested sexually either. It maybe because of the Celexa. Which I'm going to talk to the psychiatrist about. Yesterday I went to an anxiety support group. Paid 9 but it was worth it. I realized from going to the group that when I have other domains in my life, it puts the internship and school and him into context. And I'm going to continue to do that. I think one thing that I have been reluctant to admit is that I've been getting tired of seeing his face and being with him physically so much. Like I need my space and I don't doubt that he feels the same way. Which is why I'm trying to go out more so that he also has his own time and maybe go out more.
I had a rough day at internship today. So many suicide work flows  and assessments. I m frustrated they keep coming up with things to correct for me. Sigh. Really annoy  but I'm going to see it as an opportunity to learn to do assessments accurately.my brain was just fried towards to end and my morale down. Sigh I was thinking unable to finish at 8 and ended up leaving around like 9:30 which I have to say I haven't done in around three weeks at least so that's good. Hopefully that won't be an issue since I will have regular patient going onwards next week and just way less psychosocials. I can do this. This is the environment that people work in. This is. It's true. So I will adjust to it and learn to adapt. And learn to manage my anxiety and tolerate it even since its not a stable enduring thing.
1.27 I'm feeling pretty sleepy today and down. Down probably partially bc he's going home today and won't be back til Sunday and he had some text from sal about a "beta invite" asking him if he wants to go. And those texts were later deleted. I don't know what a beta invite is but I feel demoralized that he hides stuff from me. I mean I already know he watches porn but what else? I also feel down because I have to go to the family dinner thing later and I'm dreading it.im dreading seeing them again. Having then evaluate me. Me helping with chores because I feel I have to please them. Mr dealing with the crap about oh yeah I'll drive you home and then making me feel guilty about not. I guess i don't have to feel guilty about it.and then that stupid fricken long trip. Taking those trips for like 20 years of my life is long enough. I don't need to d o more of it. See more hoarding  . See more things I hate  be reminded more of things I hate. I just wanna lay home in the warmth and nap and do nothing today so I have a break from everything  . I am quite excited to have Saturday and sunday to myself though. Quite excited. I was planning to just chill today and do nothing while pursuing clinical interests on those days. I dunno.i feel kinda down though suspicious. @@dream We were living in my old house. Yamoni hasn't returned from vacation and we're worried. Chloe let out of backyard. Found toe.pretty sure it was his. Old lady came out of no where asking for us to support her and care for her for a bit. In wheelchair. We said yes. Then we moved to big house all of the sudden. Lost his toe in the progress.i found it amidst a bunch of stuff . Then old act suspicious. I followed her. Followed her to mall to a family event at the mall I was already going to . Saw that she was being suspicious. She got caught and was not actually in wheel chair. She got up to run. People got onto her. Turns out she killed him for his money and was taking our money this whole time. My family wa s there and I told  him to act inconspicuous as if we were friends.  some family event for myself. My mom said I told you so. She couldnt be trusted even though she totally trusted him. Then we went to some church event. I bumped into some old church acquaintances. I noted they saw me wearing glasses. Then i wento change into contacts. Saw a black girl in dark bathroom. Needed her to be there bc I freaked out.other people in big bathroom stalls were Asian. She was only black girl. Everything was really dirty. I was trying not to pollute my contacts.
1.28 Today was just an awesome day. Yesterday was awesome too. I'm not going to lie, him being gone is like stereo noise gone. Everything is so peaceful. I enjoyed it. Today I didn't pursue any clinical stuff.i spent pretty much the whole day reorganizing stuff in the room. Most of it was my stuff anyway. And then i put up the new shelf which is si beautiful .I m going to take nubs out tomorrow. And I'll probably pursue some clinical things tomorrow.
2.1 Hello there. I haven't been in the mood to journal as extensively for some reason. I was thinking about it today and I realized for sure that I do have stuff on my mind, it's just putting what's on my mind to paper has been difficult. Yesterday was my first day of class. How did I feel about it? Well research was good. I talked to people. There were people I knew. I think I wanna be friends with the Joe guy. I think. And then next was clinical 4 which was not bad either because I spoke with the girl next to me. I think I wanna try and talk to people more. Just like comments. Not necessarily conversation because probably like me, they're wondering who in the classroom they can trust or feel comfortable with. And me using my voice and smiling helps with their perception of me. I find that planning our even a few minutes beforehand what I want to say and how I want to portray myself helps. The last class was the one that's triggering. I saw two quiet people. Then I saw that outspoken girl. Maybe impartially jealous of her and that's why im hating. That's probably it. But I do want to make if a goal to portray myself as friendlier bc rhen I wouldn't have to focus my mind on making friends but just portraying myself as friendly. I think the goal or expectation of making friends is way unrealistic at this point. I think I need to focus on feeling comfortable with people. Or more like feeling comfortable being more friendly and outreaching with people. I'm going to my professional seminar class now. I hope that girl isn't there. I wanna try and be more friendly and not take unfriendly reactions or less than friendly reactions to my friendliness less personally. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with me. It doesn't mean I did anything wrong. I just met this person. It more than likely means that's the way that person reacts to me in those circumstances. I made it a goal yesterday of reinforcing my own boundaries at home and I feel good about it. I ended the show watching on my own terms and he played video games while I did reading .I quite enjoyed it because then , on my end, I didn't feel like I was rejected, and felt like I had control over what I wanted to do and felt the desire the pursue my clinical interests. On his end, I think it helps him feel less guilty about playing video games, and more free. Definitely more free. I imagine he probably feels the way I feel when my mom isn't saying things like are you going to see me this weekend? Or it's so late why you go home so late. It feels much freer when she's not saying those things and basically giving me space. Yesterday night was awesome too. I did the process recording. Spent an hour on it and then chilled for the rest of the night. Tonight is a late day. I'm scared that I might end up leaving later. And I really dont want to do that. I really really dont. Like from a 1 to 10, it's a 10 that I don't want to leave later. I'm going to try to not do that by ending early on my hour sessions. Like 20 min earlier. I'm excited to have no where to go on Friday. I guess that actually would help make up for Saturday because I have my allergist appt that day, I'll be seeing Kiki that day. And I kinda want to go to the party on that day. So I can practice going up to people and talking to them. I also can't wait to cut my hair tomorrow! The only thing I'm worried about is possibly feeling too exhausted by the time I see Kiki. But it doesn't necessarily have to be that way. I can enjoy my time with her. I really can. I can be in touch with myself. Be comfortable. I can. And then I can bring clothes to change for the party too and contacts to change later. For when I see kiki and go to the party. I can even bring a nutter butter as an incentive. Benefits of going? It'll be a learning experience, a practice experience. It'll have positive effects on my socializing in the classroom and at internship. I would feel more comfortable and confident with that temporarily (or not temporarily)added domain to my life. Yesterday I saw that Filipino girl in class. She's at one of the cool mental health clinics and I really feel jealous. Though when I think about it there are definitely both pros and cons to psychoanalysis and the so called evidence based practices. For one evidence based ones are in higher demand and more "popular" on managed care terms , though my interest does lie in psychodynamic orientation.  Plus. It may be that she is learning that way if thinking now but I will too. I will take those classes and learn too. I will get there. Also if I had actually gone to a more psychodynamic place I would've sort of partially consolidated my prejudices towards the"evidence based " practices. And would not realize as I do now how useful and effective and helpful it can be.
2.6 Happy Monday.. I'm not too excited that it's Monday but I don't dread it to much either. I was going to do my process recording this morning but I realized that i needed to journal to clear my mind. My weekend was too awesome and relaxing. I did nothing on Friday. Then i saw mom on Sat and also went to a lunch class with Kiki. The kung fu class was interesting. But what was great was that I really felt like I did enjoy my time with Kiki. I originally wanted to go to a party afterwards but I realized that it would probably drain me way too much and that it was best to start small. Today though I am craving more social interactions .I tried to look to see if there were any meetup today but I didn't see any that interested me. Tomorrow I have a support group thing at 7 that I might go to. I might. Not sure. I'm thinking though that since it's at 7,the two hours before that would be a great opportunity to get homework done. Since on Friday I have all these appointments and will probably see mom then. That's what I'm thinking. Because if I get my homework done then then I'd have the whole Saturday to chill :D which would be awesome. When I think about Saturday I'm also craving to go to some social event. I think unfortunately though I wish it was me, it's probably the Zoloft and the new chemicals in my body that makes me crave this. Whatever though. I'm going to be on it for a few months and I'm going to make the best of those few months. Did I tell you how classes were? I think I did. I was and still am glad that I was able to speak up twice I think in two of the classes. That perfectionist girl right now is where I'm channeling my resentment unfortunately, but I'm not even acting out on it. Tomorrow i have classes again and I think I'm going to focus on  talking more to people. For research I can talk to Kristi I think. For clinical I can talk to that new ish friend ish girl . I think her name is Jillian  and probably someone else  that class too. I want to because it's my last semester and I have nothing to lose. I just gotta seem Friendlier and people should be more likely to talk to me on their own too. I also gotta work on more eye contact. And then that last class is like the most intimidating . Let me brainstorm where would be the best place for me to ditto feel mist comfy... Probably with Tara ? But then in my head I think ew I'd be sitting with the quieter people. but it's okay. My goal is to be comfortable talking in class for that class specifically . I've been unintentionally thinking about ifh this past weekend even though it's something I don't want to do.  I guess it's just the fact that they see me somewhat positively has given me hope that I could potentially work there. I know I'm just building my hopes up for half and half reasons but I'm going to allow myself to do that because its not like I'm not going to look for jobs just because I'm putting all my eggs in the ifh basket. Because i still will look for jobs. But now that they see me more positively there has been twice where my mind has gone to the place where I worry imight "fail" that image in someway. The thing is that it would be hard for me to "fail" that image because this whole time.. the things that I do and the decisions I make was based on my own standards (which I refuse to let other people label as perfectionist or "low self esteem") and was also based on my own desire and own drive and motivation  for clinical development. None of it was based on their standards. Im going to brainstorm though and think about what some or thing criteria they have are that I met that has led them to see me more positively.. I stay later to be sure I finish my notes I mostly try to check off all the checklists of a note I am able to put in fine phone outreaches I reach out to Alex and Jennifer when it requires. I reach out to Tory when I have questions. I make sure I do all the suicide assessments with each red banner patient . I show self awareness with patients. Or try to. I show initiative in learning on my own. I try to write progress notes on my own standards. I checked the clinicians standards and previous comments before sending a note to them. I smile to other staff. In general I do. I try to manage my own care team by following up and doing letters and discharges. Which I want to continue to do.
I want to work more in managing my own care team. I want to work on referring to care management or something. I want to be more I do si assessments via phone with red banner patient s. I want to more readily reach out to other clinicians or collateral contacts. And documenting them. I want to work on being a little more talkative with other people and clinicians.
Yeah. In feeling nervous right now but I think it's because I want to poo...when I get home today I also want to work on reviewing clinical development. Possibly turning that CBT and act word doc into progress note language. Possibly ly. But that task sounds quite daunting right now. Maybe I can work on just a part, or small part, of one doc.
2.7 I'm not going to lie. I feel depressed. I talked to people in my first and last class today b it I also just wanted to fall asleep. I felt my mind going to the conclusion that I will never make friends. But I didn't conclude that. It was leading up to it because I looked around the room and saw how everyone was do different from me. Them and their social work values. And then i see people who are similar and I feel distained to associate with them. Last night I had a scary dream. I was somehow about to marry Roger. And my mom and his mom and the church was there and they called both of our names up. And I was like hold up. I f this marriage is going to work I'm going to have to talk to him first. At one pt I even looked in the crowd and saw cousin Alan and for some reason thought that it was a possibility for alan to tell Roger about my relationship with chub. And I told him I was in a relationship with him for 7 years. That I even had sex. That I don't want kids. That I want to do missionary stuff and he said okay we will still get married. And then i thought okay he wants to still marry me. I will just break off my relationship with him. And marry him. And my mom was look at us and his mom was looking at us. I hate the accountability and publicity and just the public life. I hate it. I woke up and I was like what? No he's already my husband. And I love him and would not do that to him. I'm ongoing to lie that a part of me does because of the Christian life and the public life andIt just feels like of free but also not free. It's 5:30 right now and I'm not going to lie I feel down. I just want to curl in bed. Which h gets even more depressing . I do though. I just want to curl in bed and eat junk food.
2.8 So I ended up napping until he came home. Well I guess before that I also watched a comedy show. I'm feeling okay today. When I think about me making friends though i m still inclined to feel hopeless. Though the fact is now at this time of my life I'm not even trying to make friends. I'm trying to just feel comfortable interacting with people. I think of how I'm going to graduate without having made that many friends and I just feel left out and held back by my social inhibition. I thought of how I have tomorrow at internship before the weekend comea and I'm just like eh.imnot really looking forward to tomorrow. But what am I dreading that's so bad? I guess one thing I know for sure I dread is having to do that psychosocial tomorrow before I leave. That most likely will take extra time. Though my goal is to limit the amount of time needed so that I stay extra the least amount of time. I then think about the weekend and I just don't even feel that enthusiastic about it. I've really been craving social interactions. O mean I guess if I really really wqnted to. I could go somewhere. You know what I'm going to go somewhere. Whether or not I feel like actually going to the actual event. And if I look on meetup and feel inhibited I'm going to really critically think about why I do not want to go. I think I've also definitely been feeling empty a little. In my soul. I definitely have. I was going to bring an intervention book to read for tonight when I'm on the rrain but I thought I'd probably feel quite drained by then. The other thing is that every morning. Most mornings, I get very excited about reading the intervention books at night, but rhen in general by the time I'm home I just wanna do nothing. I think if I feel the same way tonight I'm going to aim to just finish or get close to finishing the depression chapter tonight. I'm going to have an hour to do it anyway. Or at least half an hour? Or maybe not because I also want to do nubs humidifier and refill his water and maybe take him out. I think I might prioritize that but I'm not completely certain .
2.10 sigh I've been feeling bored. And maybe even a little empty. Today is Friday and this week when I get home I've just either been sleeping or pursuing clinical stuff. Don't get me wrong the pursuing clinical stuff is great because that's something that I had such a hard time getting myself to do, but it's like aside form that I don't have much excitement in my life. I've been  thinking about going to do social stuff just to feel some excitement. When u go home he's just playing video games,then I feel bored and do my stuff and sleep early. We havent been talking much at all. It's like we are just two separate people living in the same room. Which I'm going to be fine with because I've been wanting to experience a break from him. I think the only reason I don't feel it's fine is because I'm missing the feel of connecting with someone. I'm sure this disconnection from each other isn't permanent anyway. And if it is still this way next week, then I'm going to see what this new way of living is like and what I learn and get out of it.  But anyway I've been tempted in my mind to lament him not spending time with me but I'm not going to act on that. I think him pursuing the things he wants to do while I am home is a positive sign of him being able to be himself and feel at home when home. And I'm going take this feeling of lack of connection and do something with it by socializing more. Today tho I have just been at my dentist all morning. The longest wait ever. I'm going to the psychiatrist afterward and then the allergist before j see mom. He suggested yesterday to work out tonight. I think I don't feel motivated but it's something I want to be a regular part of my life so I think I might agree to it. I might. Not sure  . I'm going to tolerate this distance between me and him because it's an opportunity for me to pursue life
2.11 I just went to a support group and it was pretty good. Too bad the guy charges 10 for 250. Well to be accurate, it was good in the sense that I did well. And now I am craving for more. I tried looking and I didn't see anything that interested me. I got this girls number today which was awesome. It makes me feel so empowered like I could just make friendquaintences with the snap of a finger. I feel like I want to go again to a social event tomorrow to make friendquaintences. Either to the board game one or the support group one or even both . I think my goal at this time is to make friendquaintences not friends. It feels great. It's probably the Zoloft so thank you Zoloft.
I would consider today to be a pretty productive day. I went to the support group, made a friendquaintance, Then saw mom for a few hours. It was completely enjoyable. I felt a bit suffocated bc I was reminded of stuff and then i started worrying about his mom and my mom meeting. But it's under control because I will continue to do what I am doing which is meeting my mom at places I know his mom won't be at and continuing to check where his mom is. I think I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. There's a job fair in like three weeks and I don't feel prepared for it at all. And so I've been binge watching this show for a few hours. I am quite enjoying the fact that he's not here but I'm also scared because it feels like we're getting tired of each other. And losing the interest. Which is really scary. It is. And it's hard for me to admit it. I'm going to make the to do list for the job fair tho. I am. I'm going to do it.
2.12 I made the to do list for the job fair and even worked on some of it. Pat on the back. I feel nervous tho. Why? I'm nervous because I also wanted to work on my clinical stuff too but now I also have this job thing on my to do list. I mean the job thing is obviously more important. I just feel like I'm missing out on clinical stuff I wanted to do and when I think about doing clinical stuff I feel like I'm missing out on job fair stuff. And then when I think of job fair stuff I'm like really stressed and nervous. What to do what to do... I was thinking that I'd spend the rest of the day today working on clinical and then start job fair stuff tomorrow since I'm so stressed so then that just continues to keep the stress about the job fair at that level, if not increase it. So I think I might do a tiny bit of clinical? I dunno  .
2.13 I ended up working in my resume which felt awesome that I worked on it. I'm glad for my anxiety because it alerts me to what is most important and priority  . Did I tell you that I also signed up for a Bible study group. For the first time I made it public that I am married and it felt really scary. The reality is still scary to bear. I wasn't excited to go to internship today.but when I think about Wednesday it wasn't that bad. I quite enjoyed it and was able to finish my notes in time. I think I feel bad because i need to continue working on finishing up my notes in time. Especially in the morning because otherwise im quite backtracked. I'm going to work on that today. Hopefully. I think I just dreaded it because I ve been used to associating the internship with the stress and not being able to pee when I need or fill my water when I need. Which is all the more reason to work on ending my sessions early or on time. I'm glad I decided to work on the resume thing yesterday instead of pursuing clinical stuff. I think for now, I'm going to push pause on clinical so I can work on the job fair stuff. At least pause it until I feel working on clinical would give my mind a break or pause it when I feel I really want to skim the clinical so that I know what to do. I think I'm a bit in denial of the fact that the job fair is a legitimate thing I can get a job from. Like people and agencies legitimately go and put their stand there because they know msw are graduating and they know they want to hire people. I have experience. I pursue clinical interests in my own time. I have books for it too. My worry now is that I remember looking at some of the jobs and some seem to include case management or children. Yuck. I hate both of those. Well children I don't genuinely hate, I just prefer to get in touch with my hate for them as a defense. I'm going to be sure I get people's numbers especially Jillian's tomorrow during class . I wanna talk to people about the job thing too.
2.16 I got Jillian's number and this other girls number. The girl is named Tatiana. I was watching her talking to this other girl and she seemed so relaxed . I was eavesdropping and I wish i was that close to someone. I think of cyclical psychodynamics and I wonder if I'm missing something that plays a big role in connecting to others. Like maybe being more vulnerable and reaching out more with a balance.l instead of kind of putting up my guards. Though I must say I have let down my guards a lot since I took Zoloft.a part of me wished that I achieve this myself, a part of me is grateful for the changes and have decided to make the most out of it while I'm on it. It's better to have established friendships and then deal with the sa rather than the other way around. I'm going to an anxiety group later. I'm excited. Tho a bit worried that they may cancel the group because there's literally only two people going. Me and this other girl ans the organizer but I'm going to take that as an opportunity to be able to talk freely with strangers and try to make friends. And then I'm seeing Paul. I didn't see him last week because of the blizzard and it was okay. I'm not sure what to talk about today. I am not. I've been feeling very awesome during the mornings lately. I think taking Zoloft and sleeping earlier has definitely been helping with that. Also praying and listening to the Bible in the mornings. This morning I was in a good mood and I thought of the job fair and for the first time ever I was excited about it and saw it as a great great opportunity to talk about my skills and what I've learned and how I'll contribute to their company and to be the best version of me. Even if I don't get a job it will be a great learning experience and I'll get a lot of our the experience. Especially the psychological ease of knowing that I've done something. And overcome such a scary thing. These days I go about my life and I'm like oh wow this is how people who aren't enslaved by anxiety go about their lives? It's such a relaxing life. O realized that this is the happiest and freest period of my life aside from the time when my innocence wasn't knocked down yet. Like I am free from my family. I have control over when I want to talk to mom. I have control over join8bg church groups, socializing opportunities, what I want  to do when I'm home. It's such an awesome period of my life. I get to do and say what I want to my family without have to suffer from the repercussions of it.
2.21 I've been procrastinating for the past two days on my job fair prep. It just feels way too overwhelming. The fact that there are so many companies I have to prepare for. The fact that I don't even know what it's like. That I've never been to q job fair before. The fact that when I think of competition like Courtney and Hailey and Hannah I just cringe. I don't know how to convey the impression that I am better than they are in anyway. I feel like they are totally on the same level I am. I think of mhsc and it just feels like I'm taking a total gamble. And then i think of the policy video I have to do, the research paper and the problem statement and I just feel overwhelmed. Coupled with the fact that I've been feeling guilty for not seeing mom this past weekend and having to see her this upcoming weekend and also not wanting to see her.ivr been watching shows all day and I feel crappy. The thing is that I've been doing fine on Friday and Sat but didn't start procrastinating til Sunday.on Sunday I got this flash of panic of not being able to do well. I think that might be when I started to freak out. Coupled with the fact that I have freakin dumb process recordingsto do tomorrow and having to do stuff with him tonight. I just wanna curl up in bed and Kay here forever while the stronger me prepares and deals with the job fair. And then I'll wanna come back out again and face the world.
2.23 .I feel like I wanna just lay in bed and crumble up. Whats the matter? I have a job fair in two weeks and an interview for ifh in two weeks. I thought the job fair was enough and I was already worrying about whether or not I'd be able to handle that. But now there's an interview too? I spoke with Alison yesterday about her interview and it was way too much for my mind to handle. I mean I have the ability to think of cases and how I handle them and the ability to consider and use evidenced based practices and describe them but it's two much for two weeks. Oh I sure do not doubt that i'm over thinking the job fair. Maybe all I need to do is cone up with a description of myself and my experiences. And then give them my resume. My goal is for an interview anyway. The ifh interview is a great opportunity for the interview experience you know?  Yeah I agree. It's just I have this fear that I'll just get overwhelmed screw up the job fair and then get stuck at ifh or worse not even get the ifh position and just feel stuck. I hate feeling stuck and trapped. Sometimes I feel stuck and trapped in my own issues other times I feel stuck and trapped in external circumstances. The worst that can happen in my mind is that I don't get the ifh position and Hailey does and I'll then just feel unworthy compared to her. Feel that i'm not good enough or something.
3.2 Okay. Hi. Guess what's going on.. I have a job fair tomorrow.im signing a lease tomorrow.. and I have an interview on Monday. I was quite overwhelmed and complaining but you know what it's great that I have time tonight to prepare more. I want to work at mhsc. I do. I'm overwhelmed and nervous because I have aderral in my system and because I found new info about thrive that I want to be able to know by tomorrow. I'm also nervous about whether or not my "pitch" is good enough. I mean at it core I just need to say all the things that meet their requirement so it's not that difficult. It's not difficult at all I would say. I just need to say it a couple of times. My most important priority is mhsc and then community health and maybe sus. Maybe. And  also worried about this weekend.. jusg seeing all those new questions for the ifh interview really threw me off. But you know what it's okay because I can use old experiences. I think it's definitely doable. It's just me doing well with mhsc tomorrow so I can fully focus on ifh. One thing at a time. I'm focusing on mhsc tonight. What do they want? Willingness to work with high need communities. And I will. And prior experience with primary care. Etc.
3.6 Hey there.. I just left ifh with my dog collar unfortunately. I interviewed with them today and was actually able to say almost all of the things I wanted to say and wasn't like almost unable to breathe either. I just questionwhether or not they were impressed with me because there weren't many laughs and Laura talked about some part time jobs instead of full. Jennifer also checked out at times. Sigh. Whatever  I really did do the next I've ever done on an interview and now that u have this experience I wouldn't have to prepare as much for my future interviews. I think I'm going to apply for mhsc for sure. Sigh. I don't want to do it after i grt home but I'm going to have to because I need the job. I'm also going to look into the other jobs that people mentioned to see what I can get for interviews. I feel like I've fought the hardest part of the battle and I think that if i don't have a full time job in the end then i most likely will at least have a part time. Which is good enough for now because that's better than being jobless for sure.
3.8 I feel a bit out of it. I don't know if it's because I was so full on mode into preparing the job interview and now that it's over in like what? This is all that I had to deal with in life befoee the interview happened? And everything seems so underated. Yup that definitely contributes to it. The other thing is just me knowing that my next steps are preparing for the mhsc interview and moving. And maybe applying to other jobs. The thing about the mhsc is I'm scared f8 start preparing for it because I haven't even gotten an interview invitation. But you know what preparing for it befoee hand and then getting the invitation is better than not preparing and feeling completely stressed immediately after they notify me. So I'm going to start on that. Whats the coat anyway? That I get disappointed? Well that's okay because I've been disappointed before. I keep thinking back to the ifh interview and feeling I did almost nothing else. Almost. Nothing else. But slayed it. But at the same time I'm scared to think that because of their poker faces and because of what Laura said about the part time job and her stropping me when we got further into the next steps. I mean me feeling bad about rhat isn't going to do anything so what I'm going to focus on instead is moving and the mhsc interview. I realized after speaking with them that i would SO rather so the same exact work at mhsc even if they have the same unrealistic expectations  and learn Chinese more and have a new superviaoe than continue at that hellhole. Hah. Maybe that's why I'm dreading going there today. Because I've just been calling it a hellhole. Hell hole hell hole hell hole.today is Wednesday and I'm probably going to get home around 9pm tonight. Tonight I'm going to start thinking about the next steps for the jobs. Before tonight I'm going to  respond to that Amanda lady. I honestly don't even want to talk to anyone else at the job fair except mhsc. I think I'm putting myself in a rabbit hole tho because I'm just really limiting my options..
3.13 Hello there love.i was wishing for a day off this week so so badly and now I have tomorrow off which is awesome. I want to do my interview stuff but at the same time I feel like I'm doing a gamble because I don't know if I'll feel motivated. If anything what I have learned is that my motivation builds as I start doing things and get into it. I really hope they call me for an interview though because its been exactly one week .
3.16 I ve  been so out of touch with myself and my thoughts. Proof? Look at how short my entries are. I'm going to make an effort to be in touch with the thoughts today  . So I'm going to internship now. I called out yesterday because I just didn't feel like going to class or internship.plus the last time I actually called out sick was last semester. Calling out sick once this semester doesn't hurt. The reason I called out though is because I've been so absorbed into the fact that almost all I want in life is about to come true. Balcony. Bunny. Own place to walk around naked and do whatever I want. Own place where I can sing where ever I want. No one knows where I live. It's too amazing to me. And I'm just so excited that the fantasy is about to come true that I find it hard to contain myself. And to even focus on the potential interview  . When I think of my excitement tho, it's kind of dampened by the fact that he still is going to wanna go home. Like I feel like I'm competing with his mom or something -.-  but whatever I am going to appreciate the alone time. Like really really appreciate it. The only reason I could contain myself enough to go to work today is because I only have like four patients in total. And then i plan to leave. If they decide not to hire me..it would be because I had a stupid doctors appt on monday and couldn't stay  for a patient. I do sort of regret not staying tho. But whatever. I've been not worrying as much about work because he got his 9000 back and so I feel I have back up. Worse comes to worse I'll do fee for service . It can't be that bad I think  ... I just need to get my lmsw . And I can even apply for the other jobs. I spoke with like three places and didn't get to talk to them. It can't b that back.  I can't possibly have cut my ties to the rest of the world by not sending thank you emails to like three agencies. I can't wait to leave and pack today. Like I can't even wait til therapy is over. I regret not calling out either  . Sigh.  Whatever I'm sure I'm going to get something out of it  . You know what's really scary though? The fact that im so caught up by all of this that it scares me to know that none of this is permanent. I feel the pull of worldliness and materialism. I want to use what I have to glorify God. I don't want to not want him. I don't. And I will start once everything I settled  . Though for now I am praying .
3.16 So I'm heading to therapy now. So glad the day went by so quick. So glad. I'm glad I enjoy my job and that it goes by fast. I don't even know what I'm going to talk about in therapy. Probably my excitement but then also frustration about how mom still asked me why I didn't see her and proceeded to tell me about this old lady. And then kept asking if I have bf. Maybe I think in myhead that having bf means I abandon her. I don't know how tot think of it because I did crave her affection less after i got with him. And it's just so annoying. And in going to tell him about the interview thing.maybe maybe not. I dunno
3.18 I am so excited about this interview opportunity. It seems like the interview is only half an hour and I will need to convey all my strengths in half an hour. I will need to check off all their check boxes in half an hour. I will review all essential interview questions and internalize them so that the essential points and strengths are communicated. This is a great opportunity but it's not a big deal if I don't get it .I will just get another job if that's the case. But ideally because I already have this opportunity lined up. I will do my best to maximize my chances of getting it so I can also maximize the amount or number of opportunities available to me. It is 11:16 right now. I'm going to make tea and drink jugs of water today. I am going to track. Not judge.but track what I spend every hour doing today. I am so blessed.i don't deserve this apartment but now that I am here.i can focus on the thing that I need to focus on it.i can postpone all apartment things until after. No rush. I have all that I have ever wanted and needed and now I can focus on job.
3.20
I feel so exhausted. Today is my first day going to Manhattan from the new place. I hope the amt of time it says on google maps to get there is actually the amount of time. If it is, it's about 10m more than the usual amt of time but the trade off of a new neighborhood and mom not knowing where I live is so so worth it. I found out yesterday that the sunlight in the apartment is actually different from the old place . Here, I get direct sunlight in the morning as opposed to the majority of the afternoon. I'm a little disappointed but if I think about it, if I got another apartment with the sun in the afternoon I would be wondering what it's like and how awesome it'd be to have sun in the morning. So I'm going to be happy with it. I'm going to enjoy it . I do enjoy it. I am and want to be a morning person. I think I am just especially extremely exhausted today because I only had four hours of sleep. I feel so worried because I'm afraid they won't approve my interview time on Wed. Sigh.
3.22 Guess what?! I did the mhsc interview. That's about all the jobs I will be interviewing for until I get a lmsw and then apply for other jobs. I am so amazingly glad to have gotten that over with. I don't think I did poorly. They seem to be impressed by my evidence based therapy skills.  Well .I guess if they place me in a sucky place then I'll just go with ifh.i mean I don't know what im talking about because I haven't even gotten a rejection or acceptance. Either way I'm so excited to go home and enjoy my new home without worrying about the interview stuff:) it's too amazing. Way too amazing. I see Paul tomorrow and have the allergy appt tomorrow. I just cannot wait to be home and do nothing. This is too amazing. Way too amazing. Thank you God. Thank you God. Thank you God.
3.26 I went to bed at 7 because my freedom allowed me.but now it's 12 and Im hungry and I've just been dreaming nightmares. My last nightmare was the nightmare of my life. Pregnancy. Having to explain myself. Being stuck with him who only acted like another child for me to take care of. Being exposed and know by people who told my family. Having to make up lies. Being stuck with a child. Horrifying. Horrifying. Horrifying. I don't know if it's because I'm hungry or what because if that's the case I'm going to eat something. I feel so free. So so free. Free to  hang out. Free to be out late.   Great you proud of yourself? I lied to get myself out of having to see my family and to have to go all the way back to Queens village. I hate the trip. I just hate it more than I would like to admit. But that doesn't give me an excuse to lie. No excuse is an excuse to lie. I lie way too easily. And way too readily . Well now it's 7:34 in the morning and I'm just here. I'm seeing dad tomorrow evening. Then going to yamoni on Tuesday to fix up stuff. Wednesday I have stupid internship. And Thursday I have paul. Friday I have that training. I guess I'll just see mom on Friday night. I guess. Or maybe Saturday after i see Kiki?   It's 12:30 right now. I pretty much slept from 7last night til now. O think I just am not use to not having anything urgent and pressing to do. And so I just don't know what to do with myself. I've been having horrifying nightmares too. Nightmares of me being pregnant. Her finding out where I live. Her finding out his name.horrifying.horrifuing.well I woke up to a dream life and now it's 12:30. What am I going to do for the next day five hours? No idea . I thought about doing aswb but I don't completely feel like it. Plus I'm suppose to be on my break after doing all that interview stuff. I thought about hanging out but it's just really gloomy outside. It really is.  Maybe that's also why I'm like melancholy.
3.27. I really don't want to write this entry but I'm going to make myself do it. I've been frustrated and annoyed at him for spending so much time playing videos games. Staying up til 3am. Defying me for when I made the commen that he looks like Jerry when he does that Asian face . It makes me mad because I  see his face and am reminded of the fact that I am stuck with him. Him and his face. Which is so awful and shallow of me but that's how I feel. And it pisses me off that he is proud of it and doesn't want to change it and is resistant to any of my attempts to change it.
4.4 okay I'm really going to try and sit down and write this journal entry. I'm going home now. today was a chill day. I made a new friend. it's the Asian girl I was judging and avoiding. and we somehow happened to become friends because she's also interested in Psychodynamic.  I'm really considering attending an institute. but I want to first get confirmation that I can work at mhsc first.. which should be in two weeks. I don't think it'd be too late to apply by then. I'm going home now and originally I was going to take take a nice bath but I changed my mind and no longer felt like it because then I'd have to spend money on additional stuff. my materialism is really growing and I will take this apartment as an opportunity to manage it
4.5 so spending time Journaling didn't work out last time. I got distracted and decided to give it a try again next time which I am doing again right now. it's Wednesday and I am so so excited for tomorrow to be done with because then my break comes. I am really excited. I think when I go home I'm going to organize my desk because it's a total mess. otherwise I've been good. I accepted the ifh position but if mhsc accepts me than I'm definitely going to take that instead. I've decided accepted 50 50 gamble for a good place is better than being at a place that i know will be 75 % way too much to handle. it's just not necessary.  and if the 50 lands me at a place that I don't like the pop or with just as high expectations than at least I took the gamble and get paid more. I'm hanging out with Kristi for lunch on sat. I'm excited for that. I have been finding my self in a state of excitement and anticipation to talk to people in class. which is awesome. like seriously I haven't felt this way since high school. the difference is that in hs I was fake happy but now I'm genuinely myself and I have no idea how I have been able to get to this point. it's just too amazing to be true.  way too amazing. I find myself feeling so moved by it . I think I actually have  a few friends even though they may not be close regular hang out friends, they're still friends. mollie, Natasha,  tara, Jillian,  yunan, vicky, hailey, kiki. and I'm actually going to go to redeemer community group on monday. I just think I've been postponing things for too long. I feel ready to join and talk to people and be connected. I am married and I have nothing to be ashamed of. I have things I want to do during break. mainly study for the exam but I'm afraid I'll fall into a state of not wanting to do anything. I don't know if I'll necessarily feel that way though because I feel like I've just been having a different outlook on life. it's been shifting is all I can say.  I'm waking up, enjoying the view, looking forward to go home, looking forward to talk to people, right now even all little bit of looking forward to see mom. I definitely want to call dad. looking forward to joining the community group. looking forward to hearing back from mhsc and if not it's totally okay. looking forward to getting licensed. I don't have anything debilitating anxiety pr fears of getting stuck . getting backed into a wall with no way out. I go home and my journey is most chill. not dread. I'm not feeling fatigued or tired until bed time. before I would feel that way around 8 or even earlier.  I can't believe I am capable of living this kind of a life. or that this was even a possibility or option for me.
4.8 notes for Paul from mom interaction you're like your dad . so antisocial and such a loner youre growing more and more into your dad everything I say you don't want to hear. sooner or later you aren't going to wanna hear me talk at all . you're going to not communicate with me. And you'll just forget about me. yeah you're a giant human being I'll just forget about. and I'll forget about you too because I'm old and I'll have alzheimers   it's not called gossiping. it's called communicating.   then what's gossiping. I'm not talking to you. you'll just not listen to me. I am trying tp teach you what's right and wrong and how to reason . and you won't listen. tell me what you think it is and I won't argue. you're telling me that I'm not communicating with you. here I am trying to. and you're refusing.
dream: not being able to go to conference. couldn't see the map and missing stop.  then conflict with mom. 6e silent judging.  thInking abt asking him marriage. thinking about asking paul to see me .
4.12 I'm in the middle of break now.  the first two days was a lot of laying. I definitely barely studied for the lmsw exam. I think that since I'm going to have to study it anyway, I might as well treat this as if it's a vacation. it's just hard stripping the thought of having to study away from my mind. stripping the though away that  I'm wasting time. but u think it'd really benefit me if I could really focus on relaxing and enjoying my time off. I've just been feeling depressed and not like doing anything on monday I just laid around. and slept. and then yesterday I laid, went to hone depot and then laid again. I still have a hard time believing that I'm living the life I'm living.  I think of before when i was dreaming about apartments.  I thought I'd be content with just a one bedroom apartment with sunlight.  or I'd be content with just a small balcony . but now I have a one bedroom apartment with this amazing view. with a bus that goes directly toanhattan where I don't have to deal with the jam in the morning. with a balcony that's 9 ft where I can sun bathe til noon. where I get morning sun. where the water pressure is amazing. where there are no roaches. this is more than I could ever ask for. where there's a local park. I sometimes question in my head whether basically anywhere away from mom is somewhere where I'll be happy. but it's not just that.  this place is just sincerely literally undoubtedly amazing. God what did I do or deserve this? I didn't do a thing and I don't deserve it. anyway I have just been not feeling like I'm on vacation.  before I was looking forward to chilling at home. doing home decor. but I haven't been feeling it. which is a good thing. I don't want to be tied by the collar of materialism. but I also haven't been feeling like doing the olive oil shower or painting. I think it going to try some behavioral activation on myself and probably make a smoothie tonight. I'm exited for that :)
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