#i make fun of my irl friends for not growing as fast but rly im just. so fuckijg insecure!!

[kermiekermie]

oh boy kinda wishin i could cut parts ot my body out!!

#rly dont wanna wait til july to get a binder but thats what my mom said. so. #also my hair is growin out n i just. dont like it #its getting long again n its makin me look more feminine and i feel!!! icky!!! #n its all inhanced by my period . i dint like my body #rly wish i could just have not been such an early bloomer #i make fun of my irl friends for not growing as fast but rly im just. so fuckijg insecure!! #like i got my period in the middle of 4th grade. thats. thats nkt fun?????? #im so fucking jealous of everyone who didnt have to. do that. #bc now for 5 days every month i feel disgusted by my own body !!!! #idk what im saying at this point im just. i hate my body. so much!! #i feel gross. and wrong. and just. eugh. #i dont like this . #period tw #vent #dont rb #its gender time

[charlieism]

8 | 11 | 16 | 19 | 25 | 32 | 33 | 39 | 44 | -a

8: Want any tattoos? Yes omg, when im older. Idk exactly what i want but i definitely want some!

11: Best friend? out of my irl friends? A girl called Kate i love her. including my online friends? Oh man i love bree and i love lisa and bells n stuff but idk if they feel the same whoOPS

(except for bree ily bree im glad we’ve already confirmed this)

16: I’ll love you if… you’re nice to me and also if you can stand my often bad humour and personality lmao

19: A fact about your personality? sometimes i get too excited about an idea too quickly and just yell or blurt it out very fast without thinking too much and theyre some weird ideas and words that come out lol

25: My idea of a perfect date? g od idk omg uhh… i really, dont know?? as long as its like nice and fun and we both like it??

32: What words upset me the most? The ones designed specifically to hurt other people

33: What words make me feel best about myself? Aha compliment me in anyway about anything and I will immediately feel slightly better it doesnt rly matter what about (the time it works for varies but i remember whats said lol)

39: My favourite ice cream flavour? Mint chocolate or gold rush!

44: A random fact about anything: A STEGOSAURUS COULD GROW TO AROUND 9 METRES LONG AND COULD WEIGH AROUND 7 TONNES BUT ITS BRAIN WAS ONLY THE SIZE OF A WALNUT (AROUND 3 CM LONG) AND IT ONLY WEIGHED AROUND 70-80 GRAMS AND SO THE STEGOSAURUS WAS PROBABLY THE DUMBEST DINOSAUR

Ask list!!

#dino rant bc i love my stupid boys

[dreamy-stars]

1/1/20

holy shit i haven’t spilled any thoughts in so long! i’ve changed so much! and i’m happier now. it’s a new decade! i have so much to say

2019 was a great year as i actually did things that would have made me uncomfortable. spring semester of 2019 was a shitshow i think i dropped a class and only took three. dropped diff eq with the bald guy and i remember sitting in class no thoughts head empty and trying not to cry. and then going to some tables on campus and calling mom and bawling and apologizing. somehow i got through the semester after crying over tests and assignments. OH i started lifting weights and working out and i love it. i love being strong. being healthy is something i’ve always wanted to work towards and the women on weights program was so enjoyable. i was trying to get rly toned to look good for the nct concert actually. unfortunately i haven’t worked out much since it ended :( hoping to get back into the gym once the semester starts again. i wanna be RIPPED for summer 2020 >:)

working at sweet hut was a great experience as i was able to learn more about myself and add to my resume! i actually learn pretty fast and even though i messed up a handful of times i just want to give myself some credit hehe. i liked making new friends there, as well as bonding with my cousin more. before, i would be a bit afraid of the long silences, but now we talk about whatever and never shut up <3 working a customer service job made me appreciate the fact that i am still working towards a degree. i don’t think i could do that for an extended period. my feet hurt every day and my hands were so dry and getting blisters like crazy. ofc night shift is crazy but i loved getting tons of tips each night. We Live In A Society. i think i became more confident in small talk? idk being on the register made me better but i didn’t even do it much. i also value customer service and tipping much more i always try to tip when i can. anyway i miss making drinks and burning the sugar on the creme brule. 

after working i became more motivated to work hard in fall semester. for this semester i picked two classes to be on the other campus so i could see if i could actually talk to ppl. it wasn’t that much of a change but ppl are much more open to talking in the first week i guess. i’m gonna miss that. joining vsa was the best decision this year i think. it took some courage to talk to ppl first but working at SH helped me ton. because of that i made friends outside of class isn’t that wild? too bad it’s on the other campus bc i would go more often. i think my schedule might not work with vsa next semester idk :/ i went to my first College Party this year which was so much fun! i was nervous bc i only knew like three ppl but just mingle-ing is fun when ur buzzed. i think my tolerance is pretty high idk how many shots i took :| anyway hanging out with new friends i made makes me happy. definitely a highlight of this year! also school went better than before!!! my grades are not the best but i know i put in work so i think it’s okay. also i need to stop relying on chegg so much LMAO...commuting was harsh on me and took up SOOO much time. i only skipped class a couple times (mainly bc i was sick) so i’m proud. didn’t take classes on other campus this semester bc i’m lazy and would rather spend time studying in the library nearby. 

love life is sad still. chemistry is SO important. i think through text is just as important as irl. i went on a date with this guy that was a boring and unfunny texter and was like lemme give it a shot maybe its diff irl. it was alright but so....boring like no flirting like....    also he was younger and i hate younger guys...feeling like a hag... anyway this semester im hoping to go on a date with a girl instead. i thought i had a crush on oomf but it was like for a week. idk if it would ever happen but i rly like his personality and humor. 2020 pls let me have a lover im bored lemme emotionally depend on someone

stanning bts is getting so hard tbh. i can barely keep up with content from LAST YEAR. so much happens. i only go on ig like twice a day and i go to like ten ppl’s twt i dont even scroll down the tl bc it overwhelms me LOL. just looking at bts overwhelms me like i feel anxious sometimes? bc i’m missing out on stuff...idk how to explain it but i think the mama speech from 2018 made me...humble? less focused? on them? like i don’t wanna be so attached and when the day comes that they d*sband i lose my mind. bc i was so devastated that day. kinda made me chill out. being busy with school and work also made it hard to focus on them. guess i really am growing up..but also i became so obsessed with nct i love the nct daily channel LMAO feels like i’m cheating but their content is easy to digest and i don’t get so emotionally invested i guess. when i watch bts i sit there and FOCUS and give them my full attention. nct is for after hw and just to chill. do i make sense? but as i’m on break and watching bts performances and run episodes, i realize how much i missed watching them. i love them so much still and always will! sometimes it shocks me how huge they are. like you can’t compare them to anyone now. they are the highest achieving group i think. PERIODT fjlajajhka thinking back to when they were smaller and i told myself i would support them no matter what and i didn’t care if they didn’t get big like i genuinely loved them and now they are loved worldwide like....my babies.....<3 uwu...it’s crazy how much they’ve achieved in 6 years. i’m so happy for them.

also shinee’s whole discography is on spotify now! i was listening to it the other day and CRYING like a baby. i miss jjong so much especially his voice. i remember being 11/12 and spending hours watching the shows they were on i really miss stanning them. their music brings back so many feelings. ugh so good.

my mental health has been pretty good this year i didn’t cry much and the source of my stress and sadness is always school. fall semester was pretty good. i learned recently that i get jealous over ppl only a little though. it just passes by in thought but i don’t voice it to anyone bc it’s stupid LMAO. i don’t think the jealousy is that bad just minor.

2019 was a great year. i never really noticed the changes and growth i experienced but it was really apparent this year and i’m glad i am evolving :) my goal for this year is to get fit and be more comfortable in the gym, gain experience in my field through joining clubs, and be even more social (also be better at driving hehe) i’m very thankful for those around me and i hope to be closer to friends in 2020. looking forward to going to vn in the summer!

let’s have a great 2020 jen! ♡

#diary