"Love is work. And I’d like to see that in my fantasy a little bit. I think that’s a helpful thing to see, so we don’t all think, Oh, I’m gonna fall in love, and that will be it. I’ll meet my one. It’s like, 'No, motherfucker, love is work! And it’s hard! And then you do the work, and hopefully, it works out!'"
-David Jenkins, Polygon, 14 October 2023
Link to full interview here.
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Me since April of 2022: "Where is season 2? I need a season 2! Renew it HBO! Or Max! Whoever you are renew it for the love of Black Pete FUCK WE NEED IT GIVE US SEASON 2!"
Me since June 2023: "FFS IT'S BEEN IN THE CAN SINCE LAST YEAR PLS ITS PRIDE MONTH WE NEED SEASON 2! A TRAILER? A RELEASE DATE? A SINGLE BLURRY PICTURE I WILL TAKE ANYTHING PLS I DESPERATE!"
*trailer drops*
Me today: "Wait what do you mean October 5th? That's um...that's so soon aha I um...fuck, I don't know if I can...Help... I, oh God this is gonna kill me isn't it. David Jenkins blink three times if I'm safe. If anyone is safe. I just OH FUCK I'M NOT READYYYYY."
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i love dawn and willows relationship like- so much. So honestly one of the things i spend most time thinking about is like times theyve bonded in the fake memories.
you want examples? well, i will provide:
the first time they met. willow is over at buffys house for the first time. she has no clue buffy has a sister cause buffys embarrassed. dawn has heard all about willow cause buffy thinks willow is fucking awsome. dawn pretty instanly very much agrees. Willow eats dinner at the summers, the whole family is bickering and apologises for it but willow being used to quiet and cold or just lonley dinners adores it.
Halloween in s2. Joyce is out of town (like in canon) and buffy sure as hell doesnt want to take dawn. and joyce doesnt want her with a stranger so willow offers to take her with the rest of her kids. Dawn who hasnt hit her growth spurt can wear the same costume as last year(a witch) and stays herself the whole night. When willow leaves the group to talk to giles she puts dawn in charge to make sure no one gets themselves or anyone else killed, her included. cause with slayer princess, shooty xander and cordelia, shes the most reliable and she knows dawn can be responsible if it calls for it, sometimes. Dawn loves willow more than ever and when its all over she quietly admits she was terrified and willow says she did wonderfully.
the end of s2. dawn is staying over at the hospital while willow is in her coma (and that way misses buffy and joyces fight). Shes as terrified as the rest. shes there when willow does her first spell, she thinks its so much cooler than being a slayer.
between season 2 and 3. joyce is depressed and spending alomst all her time looking for buffy. willow is guilty cause she thinks she failed the soul spell, and therefore caused buffy running away. she comes over with cookies and realises dawn is kinda being neglected, so she offers to babysit. Joyce appreciates it a lot. willow thinks its nice too, takes her mind of her guilt and this way she can get out of her empty house and almost pretend she has a family.(she does, the scoobies, dawn and joyce included, but like yk what i mean, normal family)
gingerbread. MOO never tried to kill dawn but they stopped her from interfering and kept her close saying stuff like "were doing this for you, the children". She doesnt talk to her mom to at least a week and when she bumps into Sheila in the street she spits on her.
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that final scene in this ep of utsukushii kare. it feels like someone just ripped out my gut, slashed it open and trampled over the bloody remains. i want to sob. I want to out loud, fat tears, shaking my body sob. but all im stuck on is hira’s brokenly confused face, kiyoi on top of him grabbing onto his clothes and crying, an absolute tornado of emotion the likes of which he’s never shown, all to hira, all because of hira, and yet hira sits there and it’s like the storm covers him but he’s inside this impenetrable building and not a single drop of rain hits him. he knows it’s raining, he can hear it battering down on the roof, but it’s just rain. he doesn’t understand the full extent, doesn’t know the wind is ripping down trees and lightening is cracking the sky in two. and because he’s inside, he doesn’t need to know, doesn’t care to know, doesn’t want to know. hira will happily stay inside, in his bubble, in his constructed world, and he will be alone, and he will suffer, but that’s alright bc he’s not out there.
it’s like he’s gotten used to the internalized problems he faces, and they stick with him, almost a comfort to him now, in that he’ll see them when they’re not there. the external things that make him worried and anxious now, they’re less so, but hira still is that high school kid, getting picked on for his stutter, that faded into the background. he’s stuck there, and he’s never grown past it, and there’s almost a security in not growing, not changing, even if the thing you’re stuck as is worry and anxiety and invisibility and self doubt and constant internal doubt and criticism and lack of confidence. at least he’s used to it. at least there isn’t anything new to challenge him. and it shows, bc whenever he is challenged, in the sense that something that doesn’t fit he’s established world and role happens, he puts himself down and apologizes, like it’s a practiced, default reaction. that’s how he got through before, it’s how he learned to get through. but now, in the place he finds himself, in the situation and relationship he’s in, this is not a place for that reaction. the people he’s around, kiyoi, he doesn’t need hira to put himself down. he doesn’t need apologies. he wants understanding. and hira just resolutely refused that, said that he not only doesn’t understand hira, but that he doesn’t want to, and he’s not going to attempt to. and I don’t think he could have said anything more heartbreaking to kiyoi. all he has ever wanted was for someone to see him and understand him and love him for it. hira gives him love, unendingly and uncritically. he’s love is irrespective of anything kiyoi does or says or feels. it’s love of an idea, of a theory, of a concept in a pretty shell. it’s not love of the human inside, it can’t be, bc he just said he doesn’t want to understand that person, and without that there can’t be love. you can’t love something you can’t see or comprehend, that there’s a person kiyoi that isn’t the god kiyoi there is in his universe.
and the thing is, I think hira could’ve understood kiyoi, back when he saw a side of kiyoi that no one else did and still showed him love. I think down the line he could’ve gotten to know that person more and liked him, but the thing is, it’s different bc of kiyoi’s feelings. bc kiyoi’s feelings contradict so much what hira believes about himself that he can’t understand him. it’s easier to not know kiyoi that way and stick to his established universe, rather than understand kiyoi fully, bc in that he has to reevaluate everything, about himself and his place in the world and kiyoi’s place too. that is not an easy task. and it’s not that hira wouldn’t, I don’t think. I think there is a feasible future where hira recognizes that choice he can make and chooses kiyoi, chooses to challenge himself out of love for kiyoi and a want to understand him, and maybe even a want to understand and love himself. but bc he doesn’t recognize that as a choice he can make, he can’t do it. and I think that’s what hira needs to face, which I think is more than kiyoi and his feelings and care for hira can manage to accomplish. hira’s mental dissonance is gonna be a work in progress, it’s just a matter or him realizing it and getting to a point of actually working on it. the only thing is, in the meantime, can kiyoi be patient with hira, and the hurt he makes him feel? should he? bc when hira outright refuses to understand, when it feels that rigid and definite, when there’s no feasible future where he will understand, what’s the point? that’s the heartbreak. that hira is constantly worrying about forever, but he just denied a forever with kiyoi. and the problem is him, just not for the reasons he thinks he is. he needs to realize there is no forever with kiyoi the god, bc gods don’t last forever, they’re ephemeral, they’re fleeting. there can be a forever with kiyoi though, the man, the person, the human being, he just needs to step outside, into the storm, and let it soak him. bc when he gets to stand with kiyoi in the rain, he’ll see it’s worth it.
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My Good Omens fanfictions are kicking off. Or, should I say, Lady Crowley is. In one of the stories, she was supposed to end up with Hastur. No, she decided she wants to be with Michael.
I guess, I'll need to come up with a seperate F!Crowley x Hastur storyline, because I'm not letting go of that ship.
F!Crowley x Michael... I like the sound of that. I really do.
Has happened to all of us, hasn't it? Your superior in the military waltzes in, and seduces the love of your life. Not to mention, that's his pregnant girlfriend, and when he finds out, it's too late.
Whatever, Calla Crowley can still end up an astronomy-obsessed, equestrian pastel goth, if General of the Heavenly Host is her stepmother.
I must say... In one story she's with Satan, in the other she'll be with Michael... Lady Crowley, honey, you keep pulling the Olympians. Good for you.
P.S. - I don't know how accurately to Good Omens I'll portray Michael, since I haven't seen season 2, and it doesn't matter. I have a very particular way I like to see the figure. Honestly, if she isn't the General, and the leader of angels in Good Omens, it's a crime. Because, if she is, why haven't I seen her in armour/uniform in any of the screencaps?.. Either way, her version I intend to paint is amazing.
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Very few people bothered to find out what S1 Izzy / complex Edward enjoyers were interpreting differently than the "Izzy is Kylo Ren / Ed's his victim" crowd that made us like him in the first place, so it figures that now very few people are bothering to understand what a lot of us are criticizing in S2 while the - shockingly - exact same crowd leads the discussion on how it was a beautiful season and Izzy enjoyers are just incapable of decentering their problematic fave.
And it's once again leading to a barrage of posts lecturing us about why the takes they imagine we hold are wrong and supporting the same toxic fandom atmosphere that aimed to harass us all out for a year and a half. Cool. Glad to see no lessons were learned whatsoever.
Only difference is now we actually might leave, on account of you don't generally put up with extended harassment to support a show you don't even think is being written well. 🤷♀️
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