#i love myself i can forgive myself but i don't LIKE myself. i don't like myself that's it i think

[bachiras-toaster]

ness being pathetically loyal : ̗̀➛

ALEXIS NESS x f!reader

wc. 1.2k

cw. explicit, but no smut

Ness, unfortunately one of his greatest weaknesses, was his jealousy. And it was very often that it waded him to situations that caused you to snap at him whenever he pried to much on topics that weren’t ever that serious. This time, you told him off for accusing you of flirting with Isagi, which led him to realise that he had spoken out of line once again.

Alexis's expression fell, and he looked away guiltily. He knew he had gone too far, but he couldn't help himself. The jealousy was like a monster inside of him, taking over his mind and driving him to do irrational things. He swallowed hard, his throat suddenly dry.

“I'm not accusing you of anything," he said quietly, looking down at his feet, ashamed to meet your eye as he stood in front of you on the couch. "I just... I don't like seeing other guys around you." It was a pathetic excuse, but it was the truth.

“You really do get too jealous.” You murmured bitterly, causing his heart to shatter a little when you turned to face away from him to stare at the wall instead.

When you had refused to meet his eye, he immediately went pale and fell down to his knees to bow to you, babbling desperate apologies. Alexis felt like a defeated man, completely exposed and vulnerable. He had never felt this horrible before, not with anyone else. It was as if Isagi had become a stumbling block in his relationship with you, and he couldn't help but see him as a threat. His heart skipped a beat as you moved away from him. He hated seeing her upset, and he knew his jealousy was the cause of it.

"I'm sorry.” he whispered, bowing his head down.

“It’s like you’ve completely forgotten who your girlfriend actually is.” You tutted, laying your palm atop of his fluffy head of hair as he bowed.

Shamefully, Alexis couldn't help but grin down at the ground a little at the comment, feeling relieved that you were still able to view him as someone he could belong to; when he lifted his head back up, he hid his smile and feigned innocence with a puppy-dog expression.

"I haven't forgotten, it’s just that sometimes... It's hard to remember.” He admitted anxiously.

“So helpless.”

"I can be pretty helpless when it comes to you.” He replied, his heart skipping a beat at the thought of being at your mercy. He undoubtedly loved the feeling of being under your control—it made him feel whole, like he finally had a purpose. He leaned up so he could rest on his knees instead before you, his hands placed atop your kneecaps like an excited dog.

“Is that the case?” You whispered darkly as your hand slowly traced down his waist, hovering just over the crotch of his pants. Alexis's breath caught in his throat as your hand brushed against his crotch, and he felt a surge of excitement course through him.

"Yes," he breathed, feeling himself harden under your touch. "I am helpless for you."

“Then you know better than to go accusing me of things, hm?”

"I'm sorry," Alexis repeated, his voice hoarse with desire. "I just... I couldn't help myself." He leaned in closer to you, his lips barely brushing against your ear the more he leaned up. "Please forgive me… My Empress." he whispered.

“I’m not sure if I should…” You said with a feigned solemness, turning your head away. “People who speak out of place… Upset me.”

"Please don't be upset with me.” He pleaded, his fingers intertwining with hers where they rested on the couch. Alexis groaned, feeling his arousal grow even more intense. "I promise I'll make it up to you."

“Will you now?” You turned back at him slowly, your siren eyes meeting his doe eyes.

"Anything," Alexis vowed, his heart pounding in his chest. "Just don't be angry with me. I love you.” You sighed.

“How can I be upset with my loyal dog?” You smiled a little as you used an h unoccupied hand to brush your thumb against his cheek as you cupped his face, causing his body to tremble with anticipation as he pressed closer to your touch.

"I am forever grateful for your love and forgiveness," he murmured, his fingers tangling in your hair as he pulled you even closer. "There's no one else I'd rather be loyal to."

“So you know it’s wrong to accuse me of such things, yes?” You pushed him back gently by his chest, forcing him back on his knees.

"I understand," He nodded, his heart still racing with desire, his eyes gazing up at you with adoration. “I promise to never question your actions again. Everything I am and everything I have is yours."

“This is why I could never be with Isagi liked you accused me… He’d never be as loyal as you are to me…” You hummed with a smirk. “I don’t believe anyone would…” Your hand traced slowly down to his chin to inspect his expression.

Alexis' face darkened at the mention of Isagi, but he quickly masked his jealousy.

“You're right," he muttered. "Isagi doesn't deserve you, not like I do. I would die for you a thousand times over, my Empress."

“And look at you.” You tusked, holding his face much firmly now as you furrowed your brows. “Still getting jealous when I mention Isagi.”

"I can't help it," He admitted, his voice barely above a whisper. "You are everything to me, and the thought of anyone else touching you... It drives me mad." He leaned in closer, his lips brushing against yours. "Please forgive my weakness."

As he leaned closer, you simply placed your index finger to separate your lips just as he was about to kiss you.

“Good dogs don’t expect kisses after speaking out of line.” You replied, to which he nodded, his eyes downcast.

“You're right," He said softly. "I will be patient and wait for your forgiveness." He sighed, rubbing his palms against his legs. "I just wish I could control these feelings."

“Human emotions are the folly of man.” You sighed as you shook your head, taking his wrist slowly to place his palm on your thighs. “Doesn’t mean we can’t plead for forgiveness…”

Alexis looked up at you, a small smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

"Forgive me for being weak, my Empress," he whispered, leaning in to press a soft kiss against her palm. "I will do better."

“Will you?” You raised a brow.

"I promise," Alexis said earnestly. "I will try my best to control these feelings, for your sake." He looked into your eyes, his own filled with sincerity. "You are everything to me, and I don't want to lose you because of my jealousy. Please don’t push me away.”

“On the contrary,” you yanked his wrist up so he could fall against your lap, his hands grasping at your thighs to steady himself as he processed what had just happened. “I’m giving you a chance to redeem yourself.”

“Thank you.” He nodded, his hands now beginning to slowly slide up from your thighs to your waist, his palms slinking up the sides of your shirt. “I will never disappoint you again.”

#blue lock smut #blue lock x reader #blue lock #bllk imagines #bllk fluff #bllk x you #bllk x reader #alexis ness #ness x reader #alexis ness x you #alexis ness x reader #alexis ness x reader smut

[aklaustaleteller]

On One Condition

Klaus feels bad for messing up Y/n's exam preparation schedule, so he asks her what it is that he can do to 'earn her forgiveness'. Yet somehow, he manages to put up a condition when she asks him to help her with an art project...

Warnings - none, really.

Word Count - 1.4k

So, I was rewriting an old fic when I decided to write a little backstory, i.e. this fic, and I hope you guys like it! I'll be posting part two within the next two days so yay!

She was something else, a feisty one who liked a good chase. And Klaus should've noted that from miles away. But he was too deep in now, and he wasn't going to back down until he had her.

He was waiting outside the school to catch Stefan, have a chat with him and warn him against trying to harm him because telling him off meant telling off the entire group, and Klaus found that lovely.

And he had just caught sight of Stefan when he saw her behind him, her hair bun not so tight as hair stands fell out and framed her face. She was walking with another girl who seemed to be trying profusely to convince Y/n of something -- probably a party if Klaus were to guess but he felt himself tuning in when she walked in a closer range to him.

"I really cannot do it, Vicki. Please try to understand that I'm myself giving exams right now," he heard her say, and then saw as she put her hand on her shoulders. There was softness in her voice that he'd never wished previously to be directed at him.

Bringing her in for a hug, Y/n explained herself again, as if she felt bad for denying whatever it was that Vicky wanted. "I would've helped you out had I not missed out on my preparation earlier. I’ve quite literally been studying the night before for each exam." She smiled, with what emotion Klaus couldn't quite see, but he found it beautiful, nonetheless.

"Why don't you ask Elena? I'm sure that way you'll bump into Jeremy a couple times as well," Y/n grinned, passing the squinting brunette a quick wink before turning back towards the exit with a sigh of relief.

Though it only took a couple steps for her to bump into Klaus, not so accidently. She'd seen him the moment she'd gotten out of the gates, and the fact that she had to pass him in order to reach her car only made her feel... more positive, let’s say.

She hadn't gone out of her way to slam into him, but he had. And the only other thing she has to blame is her spiteful walk that led the one library book she'd borrowed to topple out of her grip.

"Klaus, back off," she gritted, quickly picking up her book and moving once he did.

"It's not my fault, you know, that you bumped into me," Klaus said with a lure in his voice that suggested he just wanted to rile her up. "I'd apologize to me," he shrugged, a lopsided grin pulling up on his face when he noticed her turning.

"I'd tell you to go fuck yourself but that'd be a cruel and unusual punishment," she bit back, pressing her key to unlock the car.

"Please, save your breath. You'd probably need it to blow up your next date," Klaus teased, remembering the night Klaus had crashed her date and scared off the guy by doing nothing, really.

Sighing, Y/n gripped the steering wheel of her car and closed her eyes for a second. "Say something else and this book will become a lethal weapon," her voice was agitated as she warned him, and when he truly backed away with a proud grin on his face, she finally pulled back and drove home, daring to spare him a glance in her rear-view mirrors, an angry blush creeping up her neck when she caught his eyes.

Once she reached home, she didn't bother to lay out her clothes before jumping into her shower. Still, she buttoned up a loose striped cotton shirt and pulled her underwear up her legs. It didn't take her long to just decide on a pair of pyjama shorts.

After a good bowl of salad for lunch, she brought out her schoolwork to just do it on the porch considering the nice weather. But of course, that was a mistake because soon into her immersive study session, she was disturbed by loud clashing noises coming from the house across hers, Elena's house.

Taking a deep breath, she was just getting up when she caught sight of Damon and Stefan inside the house, speeding towards each other. It was purely for the dramatics, she was sure, considering the fact they wouldn't kill each other, they simply didn't have it in them.

She just felt sorry for Elena's dishes, maybe some of her furniture as well.

Twisting the knob she had just pushed the door in to go back inside the house when she heard a voice behind her. "Too noisy, aren't they?"

Klaus.

"You already messed up my preparation schedule once, Klaus. Do not dare to do it again," she said calmly, though her grip on the knob was probably tighter than normal.

With that, she decided to cross the line and enter her home. Then she turned around to face him, but he didn't seem to be in the mood to mess with her either.

"I came here to apologise, and perhaps, make up for the troubles I've caused you," he admitted, looking at her with such sincere eyes that she could've given in right then.

"And how do you plan on doing that? Plus, if this is a joke, I still have that book with me."

"You tell me what it is that will earn me your forgiveness," he said dramatically, making her look down to hide something from him, maybe a smile.

Opening the door wider, she looked at him and then hesitated a little. "Don't make me regret this," she said. "Come in, please."

Klaus was caught a bit off guard but managed to get inside, his eyes wandering right away to take in her house.

"I'm not sure how to word this really, so I'm just going to say it." Taking a breath, she sat on one of the dining table chairs and urged for him to do so too, getting a little flustered when he took the one right by her side and shifted so that he was turned towards her.

"What is it, love?"

"This might be a little ridiculous for you but it's very serious for me," she told him while maintaining eye contact to make sure he understood the situation.

Klaus simply nodded for her to go on, now leaning forward with his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands.

"I know you paint, quite impressively, might I add but that's not the point here," she quickly shut the topic before Klaus could tease her.

"The point is, I have this art project that I said yes to under pressure because my favourite teacher asked me to. But were you to see even my handwriting, you'd know I'm no good at it. The most I can draw is a stick figure and even that's wonky sometimes," she admitted bashfully.

"I used to have a friend who'd do it for me, but she left town last year and now... I don't really have anyone who would," she let out a breath at that, her eyes closed in anticipation of his answer.

"So, you wish for me to help you out with this said art project?"

Sitting stiffly, she nodded.

"Okay then. I'll do it... but what is it?"

"Oh great!" She cheered; happiness evident on her face. "It's supposed to be this super zoomed in image of either a grapefruit, or a pomegranate."

Klaus leaned back in his chair then, sighing as he considered it. "I will do it on one condition," he proposed.

"And that is?"

"You will stay with me in my studio when I'm painting it," he shrugged, as if it wasn't so much a big deal.

"But were you not doing this for my forgiveness?" She narrowed her eyes, but when he began to get off the chair, she struggled for some answer to come out of her mouth before he could leave.

"Okay, okay! I will!" She agreed immediately, sitting back down in defeat when he remained standing, a smile on his face.

"I'll go now." He said, walking backwards towards the door and he could see the uncertainty in her eyes. He could've teased her about it but decided against it.

"Come by my house tomorrow, around three or four… your wish," he said before turning to open the door.

He turned back to see her reaction and a smile crept up on his mouth when he saw her smiling back at him.

"I will," she told him while waving him goodbye, stopping just before he sped off with his dead heart beating a mile an hour. 

#the vampire diaries #TVD #tvd imagine #tvd imagines #the originals #to #the originals imagines #the originals imagine #klaus mikaelson #niklaus mikaelson #klaus mikaelson imagine #niklaus mikaelson imagines #klaus mikaelson imagines #niklaus mikaelson imagine #klaus mikaelson x reader #niklaus mikaelson x reader #Joseph Morgan #tvd universe #tvdu fanfiction #klaus mikaleson imagine #klaus mikaelson one shot #klaus mikealson fanfiction #niklaus imagines #klaus michaelson #klaus m #klaus mikaelson x y/n #the vampire diares imagine #kol mikaelson #tvd klaus #rebekah mikaelson

[lunarharp]

if i just told you i love you would this world change

#witch hat tag #orufrey #these kinda suck lol i feel like i cant draw right now *irritated sigh* BUT I FEEL EMOTIONS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #if you are gay go watch good omens season 2 right now. NO YOU DONT KNOW THO!!!!!!!!! #i know being this affected by good omens is probably cringe. I dont care any more. the last 1 minute of good omens season 2 was #some of the most affecting acting i've ever seen in my life. sometimes someone acts with the force as if their entire career led to that #like during the credits part the very end im not even talking about before that. holy god #aziraphale i know everything about you. i know what you are feeling right now. i can see everything on your face. we're going to make it #ER.... NOT THAT THIS HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS POST. IT'S NOT SPOILERS !!!!!!!!!!!!! #I JUST FEEL THOROUGHLY CHANGED !!!!!!!!!!! SHIT GETS REAL FROM NOW ON.. LIKE IN GENERAL! IN MY LIFE! #tormented gay love tormented gay love TORMENTED GAY LOVE TORMENTED GAY LOVE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #btw the first 3 images were drawn earlier with an entirely different feeling and an entirely different mood. #Why do you keep pulling away from me? #It is because i love you that i do this #the lyrics from one of my japanese orufrey songs (A SONG THAT THE CREATOR LISTENS TO!!!!) led to feelings #“あなたが知らない私を残さず見ててほしいの” but i'm not translating it cause it just sounds weird. if with his eyes oru's asking “WHY don't you want #to let me in? to see all of you?“ those lyrics are like ”I actually want you to see every last bit of the parts of me you don't know“ #oru you have no idea how much i want to lay bare my whole soul for you #maybe it's an alternate version of chapter 40. to me #i need to draw something really fucking good or i'm not going to forgive myself. i will not rest in this life #until i have made the orufrey that fully satisfies me nor until i have seen what the manga is leading to #NO STORY MEANS ANYTHING WITHOUT TORMENTED GAY LOVE AT THE HEART OF IT. THATS THE HEART OF THIS WORLD!!!!! #........... so Hi im normal :) haha *goes and finally makes breakfast*

[omaano]

Big Blue joins The Mandalorian Meets Hades Project!

#I was sitting on that dialogue for a week orz don't judge me here. their love language is insults #in my defence I forgot how to draw in the past weeks and needed to fuss with this a little to reset my brain #paz vizsla #dinpaz #pazdin #the mandalorian #the mandalorian fanart #hades au #din djarin #my art #I'm actively thinking about what trinkets to assign to Paz but if I don't post it now I never will #I figured Paz would be great in the Asterius role in-game even if he has more of a theseus like shit talking kind of vibe lol XD #Like make it a Din and Grogu vs Paz and Ragnar kind of battle #where Grogu can eventually three-shot the other kid but if Din so much as brushes past Ragnar he automatically instant loses #and will have to crawl back to beg for forgiveness #I didn't have it in me to draw out a pocket Paz next to pocket Din in the bg #and I don't trust myself any to make it to the arena in hades rn either XD I haven't booted up the game in months #so I had to rely on background screenshots from when I started this project lol #just enjoy how absolutely bit and massive Paz is okay? I can fret with my perfectionism in peace over here XD #never drawing that minigun again NEVER #next one should be Bo-Katan and co as the furies because I really want to draw up Axe and Koska as well #you know whenever I'll have some free time like in July XD #I'll save my very specific Hungarian issues with the Vizsla name because I'm too tired to type out all that rant here lol #BUT WHY IS IT WRITTEN WITH A “ZS” WHEN ABSOLUTELY NOBODY CAN PRONOUNCE IT RIGHT???? #just write it with a Z or an S and let me have my peace please this is driving me up the wall every single time I think about it #why name the House/Clan after a hungarian dog breed when then nobody bothers to pronounce that ZS right?? #it's not like anyone would know that you're dropping a letter there whatthehell why #you're robbing me of precious hours of sleep here every second week #*cough* okay maybe you are not spared from my rant oops

[taegularities]

some men are textbook villains fr

#tw religion? #kinda need to rant.. kinda wanna explain what's going on #some ppl are part of humanity but don't know how to be humane... like the guy i started talking to almost 2 weeks ago #liked him a lot bc he was funny sickeningly sweet mature and understanding.. until he was not #tl dr version is that we somehow drifted to the topic religion and i told him im not too religious and don't believe in superstition much #i was extremely respectful and even when he said that he does believe a lot i was like 'thats cool!! different people believe in different #things!!' and at first it was a normal convo until man went all psycho on me (after one damn week!!!) and started talking about how #id have to be religious in a relationship with him.. my dude i barely know your fav food can we not talk about relationships yet #but he says he doesn't even need a woman who cooks/cleans just someone who believes.. n im like i get it but i can't change myself like that #and then guy moves to marriage and is all 'well my entire family is religious' n my mom and sister (who's 16) would be putting pressure on #you n force you to pray etc.. and I'm like???? who can force anyone to a thing like that are u kidding #things escalate and my absolute STUPID ass tells him about my deepest fkn trauma to explain what made me abandon religion bc #life just never got better and this trauma remained for yrs... and he gets so angry that he says he wants to stop talking to me just to spam #me all day next day.. he'd keep messaging me switching between 'i still want you we shouldn't throw this away i have feelings for you' #AFTER A WEEEEEEKKKK!!! and then goes back to 'i wasted my time with you you were so unnecessary im in a bad mood bc of you' #even said 'you'll never find a guy with a trauma and mindset like this. i will find a religious girl but no one will love you like that' #and the worst thing is that he told his friends and mom about the trauma i had just to spite me.. note that he promised to never tell anyone #(and then still asked for forgiveness and for me to rethink whether we want to end this after telling me 473626x he wanted to end it) #(nothing even ever started you bitchass) #also note that his mom knows my mom n basically most of my relatives.. so i was here trembling for days fearing they'd get to know about it #mom somehow convinced her to not tell anyone bc it's important to me and very very fucking personal.. #but he harassed me all day - i wouldn't answer and he'd send 55 messages.. multiple missed calls like dude i got so fkn scared #my heart jumped whenever he texted he was so fkn aggressive and SO MEAN #'you just needed to adjust and we would've been okay' 'tell me are u gonna fkn be religious or not????' 'you ruined everything' kinda mean #i just :') it was the worst time and i don't think i've ever seen someone degrade me so much or make me feel this defective #but.. it's finally over. his mom called my mom and mine was like pls teach him some manners.. n since i couldn't and wouldn't text him back #and literally avoided whatsapp bc of him she ended it all for me and now it's hopefully done forever #anyway i saw jks gcf performance yday n him singing still with you put a genuine smile on my face.. ill stick to THAT boyfriend honestly lol #def gonna delete later #but ty for reading if u did <3

[hopeinthebox]

tagged by the fabulous @cordiallyfuturedwight and @jimin-gaon <33 here's the december list

apologies for being late again new year same me: @aprylynn @jiminsproof @pauls-mccharmly @thvinyl @visionsofgideontheninth @btsbs @kimchokejin @jihopesjoint @eoieopda @monismochi 💜 and anyone else who feels so inclined MWAH p.s. please do tag me anyway if you've already done it

#superfluous commentary in the tags as per usual: #i feel you - ADORE THIS TRACK i can't even explain what it does to my psyche except that it initiates a beach episode. #noso is a phenomenal queer artist and you should check them out #smoke and mirrors - ms faith back in action on the rotation i loved this album in 2009 and it still hits. for the love of GOD take me back #loving you - i am a paolo nutini stan if nothing else. exceptional #love is all around - i am in my frazzled english woman era hence the romcom soundtrack #and tell me who could possibly embody that frazzled english spirit better than four weddings hugh grant #boys don't cry - it's the cure by name and the cure by nature for one listen and i am FIXED!!! #she's always a woman - now billy joel is a great name for a cat or hamster but i digress. the stranger album of the year 2023 (again i fear) #little bird - was annie lennox in the last one?? i still have this on repeat. #googling the lyrics and it thinks i want the jonas brothers and it makes me want to sit right down and cry cry cry i'll tell you that much #jenny - paolo again can you blame me? i cannot express how much i adore his entire discography. #these scottish italians... deadly combination for my mental health. peter capaldi sit down #white flag - dido save me.. save me dido... my jihope anthem because i WILL go down with this ship #eternal flame - banger after banger it's almost as if i made this playlist myself!! can you feel my heart beating??? i apologise #as for the artist list #norah jones and jamie cullum christmas albums on repeat lord forgive me for i have listened to jazz #hozier and abba seem to make it without fail every month. for those who aren't familiar hozier is like if abba were irish. and bitchless. #NOW I'VE SAID TOO MUCH #the rest of the artists are fab of course but does olivia dean know i would die for her? #anyway. insert closing statements #tag #receiptify #MWAH

[threadbaresweater]

I still kinda feel bad about what happened last week, and I wish I hadn't inserted myself into it. I can only do better from here, though.

#apart from issuing formal individual apologies to anyone who might have been hurt by my actions #i don't think there's much else i can do #and i really don't think that words will make a difference in this instance #it's more about actions #and i know i dont need to atone/prove myself to anyone but it still kind of eats at me that i let myself get swept up in the issue at hand #anyway it's been better here today. feels a little more like it used to #so many have changed urls though- please forgive me if I don't immediately recognize you 😭 #anyway hi. i love you.

[egg-emperor]

waking up everyday and realizing how many people hate you every aspect of you and want you dead and still having to choose to love yourself and try to be kind to yourself because they can get away from you but you're you for as long as you're here and have to live with that is tough but hey I'm still here lol

#the negativity that's been thrown my way online has affected me mentally undoubtedly #like I've had every aspect of myself my behavior and expression and passions and creations and kinks and triggers insulted and mocked onlin #and publicly by cruel people. been told how much people want to kill me or tell me to kms #so much that it's stuck with me and it sucks and I'm trying to heal and I have to fight it everyday #I have to still get up and live with myself and try to love and be nice to myself #and I fuck up a lot because I'm very self destructive but I'm trying #but man. the people who helped me become so isolated and hated have no idea how tough and painful it can be. #but I don't want their pity I wouldn't forgive them. I just want peace now and to keep moving and try to move on to better #there are so many setbacks I don't know how I haven't lost it yet. but I guess I should be proud of that #sorry I don't vent much anymore and won't make it a habit again. just need to get this down #vent #*online. character tag limit

[miodiodavinci]

thinking about the fact that "there's always a better UTAU and anything you can do and have done has probably been done leagues better by someone else with a better set up, better mic, more practice, better pronunciation, etc..." is a statement that would have once inspired such frustration and agony and desire to quit in me, but nowadays just has me like

phew ! ! ! thank god ! ! ! ! ! w

which is such a switch-up but honestly probably illustrates one of the biggest differences between pre-UTAU hiatus me and post-UTAU hiatus me w

#that and the fact that current me doesn't feel the need to hide their love of the community behind 6 layers of sass and contrarian nonsense #like my god i was sooo afraid of being cringe that i went out of my way to make crevan like That™ #(spoilers: that ended up being cringe in its own right but i forgive myself for that ksjhdfglkj) #but back to the original point #i just keep thinking about the number of times i've seen people in the comments of UTAU release videos get indignant #and express such frustration and disappointment and vitriol towards the creator for not making a perfect library #and it's just like #my guy #libraries like kohaku merry are right there #you have gekiyaku and all the other super expressive multipitch VCVs with ten million appends #why are you acting so entitled over what is essentially someone's hobby OC #unless explicitly marketed as such #UTAU libraries are not a product #they're a neat little labor of hobbyist love that people don't even need to share but choose to because that's part of the fun #because so much of UTAU is all about finding the VBs you like and using them to make your own works ! ! ! #there's literally an endless supply so if you don't like one you can just #move on #like i just don't get it #not every UTAU has to be this perfect end-all professional product ala kasane teto or all the other big name libraries #the whole charm is that they are a silly little indie thing #and i just straight up don't understand why someone would rather get huffy over a personal library than move on

[katyspersonal]

#personal #current mood #those situations when you just /have/ to put up boundaries because your 'forgiving' and 'caring' only makes things worse for you both #i hate how much you can care about someone (or it can be mutual) but you just absolutely do not mix #and there are just so many things wrong #i hate hurting people i care about for the sake of 'lesser evil' #like how i needed to work on falling out of love because my jealousy and being told very unflattering things for why i could not- #-be loved back were making me toxic and unpleasant and kinda useless as a listener about /their/ crushes #only for them to feel crashed and abandoned because 'even you gave up on me' #i am absolute trash at 'tough love' stuff and being reasonable #but every other time being uncontrollably forgiving and loving causes more wrong than right #stuff like this #what if i don't want to put up boundaries? what if i don't want to be sober about where unhealthy bonds are leading me? #but i have to because in the end i am not even actually helping but only make things worse #by putting myself in conditions where i become toxic from mistreatment #and by keeping this person in conditions where they don't have to look for other sources of support and friends #but me being the sole person to rely on makes me strain under pressure and become unlikeable #which makes me either snap or distance for my own health and that hurts THAT person more #only i am a sucker enough to make things worse no matter what course of actions i choose #i mean of course there will be people in everyone's life who will regret having even met me #but this is just painful for so many reasons #it is not as simple as 'if they get upset that you put on boundaries they are not your friend' #some things people legit can't fix and i know that very well from experience #but there is 'managing' and there is 'nourishing unhealthy habits' #i can do the latter by literally just standing there (menacingly) #recently i've been thinking about how i just make everything i touch more crazy painful and chaotic (just like in my earlier dream) #and stuff like this is just another evidence of that.. #when i analyse situations that could be passed as me making someone's life better i- #-start to realise that what i did do was just making things crazy and another person simply taking it well hahah #i am certainly some sort of alien. just like that person

[devilbrakers]

OC DUALITY

was tagged by @morvaris​ to take this uquiz for my ocs >:) thank you nico this was super fun!!

tagging: @numbaoneflaya @time-is-a-lake @aartyom @nuclearstorms @girlbosselrond @druidgroves @malefiicarum @swordcoasts  @aldcaldos @sufferthorn @steelport @calenhads @lavinet​ and anyone else who’d like to join in !!

you and the hat man

oh boy you're fighting demons aren't you? it's like you're in a constant staring competition with something that's always in the peripheral. what the fuck. (at least, that's how people who don't know you would react). at this point you've probably gotten pretty familiar with the hat man. he's a reliable kind of guy. keeps to himself, sure, but you can trust him to be there. maybe a haunting isn't too bad if it's never left your side. you can only imagine what it will be like when he's not there any more.

god-hungry scientist and their abominable child

you stitched something together inside of yourself and gave it life with light from the sky and now it won't die and you can't kill it because part of you loves it and you're not quite right in the head or the person you used to be but at the end of the day it's simply a beast of sadness. you crave the mercy you didn't get from your creators and so i'm telling you please forgive yourself. please hold the monster by the hand.

moon curse of the werewolf

you have found yourself hungered or sickened or ambitious to the point of emotional carnage. you are fine, until you're not, and then you could rip someone in your way apart with your bared teeth by complete accident, and later claw at yourself in fits of pain trying to apologize. do you look at the moon that blessed you in her name, at her marred beauty and baneful eyes, and wish she could just crush that loving-hateful heart of yours before it crushes itself? every bite you take out of flesh is a response to the threads of silver bullets in you that haven't healed. the duality is that the human inside is howling too, gnashing, and without the wolf pelt, everyone can ignore it and turn away. at some point, you got tired of the moon being your only witness. now the wolf is there to make sure others know that you are hurt, and deserving of humanity, of attention to wounds. because that wolf loves you; all of you; and knows when you are hurt better than yourself.

#feel free to ignore this if you want !! idk how many people have already been tagged fjsdkl #anyway. going to be annoying abt this in the tags now <3 #the main thing that gets me abt gray's is the 'maybe a haunting isn't too bad if it's never left your side' #like????? ik the hat man thing is probs supposed to be funny and it kinda is but it fits them so well #almost everyone close to them has died or left them atp but maybe it isn't so bad. just to have one constant #dmitri :| yeah. yeah #everything he felt he had to become to save his sister who was dead the whole time anyway but ended up being a better survival tactic anyway #so he just stuck with it until he died but then he comes back as a demon and now he has to live with what he did forever #i don't think he really could ever forgive himself. mainly for failing nina but it's started to eat him alive less and less over the years #mainly bc he does everything he can not to think about it too much but he also doesn't really want to totally get rid of that part of #himself. the part that was capable of torturing and killing all those people bc it really was powered by love and desperation to some extent #and that proves that maybe he has some shred of humanity left even if she's been gone for decades now #not that he does shit like that anymore. but he's capable and willing to for those he loves even if they'd probably hate him for it #and miko's :( #yeah #lashing out at people when it gets to be too much which is often given the life that she lives and then beating herself up for it nonstop #but it's also a way to protect herself and even tho she died young it got her pretty far #and it helped her protect other people (mainly gray and blake) when it came down to it because she couldn't stand seeing them hurt either #idk if i articulated myself v well but yeah jfdsklfdjs my dmc gang are all my blorbos #my ocs #tag #gray #dmitri #miko

[damnation-if]

cyberpunk organised crime ring espionage with sexy demons

lmao... something tells me they wouldn't quite fit together.

#what does the chaos mirror see #anon #time flows differently in the queue #forgive me for rambling in the tags here but. the rot Consumes me #when i say cyberpunk i guess it's technically scifi since it takes place on another planet #but in addition to loving d&d and vampire the masquerade i'm also a big fan of shadowrun #the premise is that mc is a corporate espionage agent who has to seduce their way into a gang of criminals annoying your corpo masters #the planet has a wild orbit that takes it far away from the sun and through an asteroid belt for roughly the half the year #it's a miserable time; there's no sunlight and transports can't land because of the asteroids so the planet is basically on its own #so all the rich people leave during that period and it basically becomes anarchy and chaos as everything turns to lawlessness when they go #until they clear the asteroid belt and the corps send in their private armies to re-establish order via gunfire #both the corps and the gangs know that you can make a hell of a lot of money during this period by doing standard shadowrun crime stuff #but one gang has really been cheesing your corp's onions and they don't know How so they send you to seduce your way in and find out #you pick one of the ROs as a likely mark in the prologue and then it skips forward almost a year to just before the planet goes dark again #so it's like. you still haven't figured it out but also you've been fake-dating this person for nearly a year #i just wanted to write something with. that kind of more complicated relationship dynamic of a longer-term relationship already in place #anyway naturally you get to decide in the end if you destroy the gang or betray your corporate masters lmfao #shadowrun *jazzhands* #i know i said i was keeping myself from pitching RO ideas but. one of them i already decided on is a butch lesbian with a shotgun #she's their driver and is covered in tattoos lmao #also there's a guy who's a spy from a Different corp #anyway yes. Sorry about this

[thetriangletattoo]

.

#yes hi hello anon #i don't know the bible and it's something ive always said and always complained about #and I'm apologizing in advance if someone here is christian #but I've been forced into the church spaces and into communion and confirmation and baptism #church and god was something i had to accept just like that #bc god is great and he loves all of us and he made us in his image #and he forgives all the wrong things we do #well that's where i started losing it #but also nobody NOBODY in ten years of weekly bible and religious lessons nobody ever opened the fucking bible and explained shit to us #and yeah i get it now I'm an adult i can do it for myself #well i don't care about it right now #it's not my fault is the church is more worried about convincing you they're the good people than to explain what happened in their so #called sacred text #i haven't been willingly in a religious setting in ten years and it was the best decision ever #also a stair can be so many things #you may be right you may be wrong #i didn't literally say anything i don't understand why you gotta talk bible in my inbox

[commander-chaoss]

Sometimes I write silly shenanigans between my heroes and villains and then all at once the crushing reality of why I feel the need to do this for every single villain I make hits me

#this is what I wanted #i want them to be happy and silly and they don't have to like the protagonist #they can continue to hate their guts but im begging for that hate to not consume them #don't let it destroy them #i hope and i pray and i finagle my stories until they make way for the villains to be happy because i love them #I've made too many enemies to wish them all dead #i would forgive and forget anything if they'd let me #i cry myself to sleep begging God for their salvation if i never see them again #i can't handle the psalms because too many talk about the reassurance that God will destroy their enemies #the destruction of my enemies is no consolation to me #i loved them #i still love them #but they don't love me. so i write stories where all the villains get to be happy and I pray God will do the same.

[rubberbandballqueen]

looking through my 8th grade science notebook n reflecting on that teacher's style and personality, and man, i think i might cry hahaha

#in a good way bc he was always so kind and earnest and forgiving #i think some kids thought his sincerity was cringe but *i* let myself have fun n now he's one of the teachers i most wanna be like #during study group today my classmates said they thought i'd be a good teacher someday bc of how clearly i laid out the processes #so now i'm going back to ye olde teacher thoughts bc i mean. that's gonna be real someday #n i'm finally writing down a lot of the things i realized through the years i learned from various teachers #what i liked abt their styles before i may have realized why they worked #i really don't know quite how to talk to kids in a way they understand (which is why i know i'm not gonna teach elementary school lol) #but i remember being in 8th grade n loving how clearly all the information was given to us-- it was obvious that the teacher had #written them himself just for us-- n like. this is basically my model for explaining things to kids #anyway the first thing i wrote down abt what i liked abt this teacher is 'made stories out of science n out of us as scientists' #n like. how can i not respect and admire the hell out of that as someone who love love loves story and art? #the way science and art became one... fucking immaculate dude!!! #anyway a lot of my most favorite teachers were; looking back; incredibly kind and considerate people #and i'm glad to have had the privilege of learning under them growing up #the man's not that old he's probably still teaching. i could like. add him on fb n ask to hang out at some point #bc now *i'm* curious abt how he got into teaching n how he developed his style #the worm speaks

[babybearnini]

Ugh.

#just doing random shit so i don't have to deal with how painful it truly is #most of the time i hate you. most of the time my friends hate you. I'm getting to the point where i don't even think about you #but sometimes....sometimes on nights like this when I'm all alone i think about you #i think about the tender moments when you would hold me #or when up brought me coffee when i was barely awake #or when you told me not to worry because you wouldn't hurt me #or when you were looking for an album you wanted and i just stood behind you admiring you. and there was another couple right across from us #me and the guy were both just standing there waiting for our girlfriend's and we looked at each other and laughed #bc we were literally just 2 lovesick idiots standing there waiting for our most treasured person #well. it turns out the love of my life was harboring hatred for me and i had no idea then #and me loving you despite the fact i knew what you were doing was wrong and hurting me says more about my ability to love then anything else #i would never take you back but i hope your okay #i loved and forgave you so much. i hope one day i can love and forgive myself just as much #and i hope you can forgive yourself too #text #vent