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#i love being a fucking problem
inkskinned · 7 months
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it mattered because when my brother asked me what if this is the happiest you'll ever be? the best you'll ever get? the thing i felt was fear, not peace. everybody thought you were so perfect for me. even i thought you were "helping me grow". i had to challenge every internal clock. make myself more thoughtful, more kind, more beautiful.
i told my therapist it was good because i like the changes i made and there's something so strong about saying i did that. the problem is that i can like the difference all i want, but i changed for you. something akin to getting your name tattooed, all my progress is stamped with fuck you.
it was the happiest i'd ever been and also the best i'd ever gotten. i would still get in the car and think what the fuck just happened.
#warm up#writeblr#i spent a lot of time picturing our future#how funny to think: in each version of our future#i was never myself#i was someone smarter kinder braver#better adept.#who could navigate the way you shouted and got angry at small things and never fucking believed the best of me#i would never be needy and you'd never get tired of me#people usually talk about how we picture people as being “fixable”. but i assumed i was the problem. my idyllic picture wasn't of you.#it was a version of me that wasn't ill. that needed no extra help. that could be your wife and happy#the fact i wasn't happy was because there is something so wrong inside me. it's always been that way. i convinced myself:#if i stay i can change. if i stay i can make it worth it. i can apologize and fix this. and make us both okay.#for the last year i've been thinking about how you blamed our whole breakup on me. how it was my fault for whatever thing.#and i agreed with you. because of course i did. you'd trained me to believe everything was my fault . that you wanted to love me and i made#it far too hard. that i was always finding ways to ''set you off'.#a few days ago while i was doing something else#i realized that while i was in crisis you told me to fuck off and find someone else to get help. and you never fucking apologized .#you said i made you do that because i wasn't being sensible. i had been crying too hard to speak clearly.#you said: you're doing this to manipulate me.#you forgave yourself for that. i had to forgive you without apology. you said you were right to react that way. and then you were SO#SO annoyed. any time i said: i feel like you aren't nice to me. it is hard to trust that you love me.#i don't think about you that much anymore. but these days when i do: all i can think is that im not sure u ever really understood kindness#you were the cruelest to the people closest to you. and most of the time. that meant it fell to me.
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bixels · 7 months
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Hi great overwatch rant. Now I'm curious, what are your thoughts on TF2?
It's the Minecraft of sex.
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carnivalcarrion · 5 months
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yeah so i'm falling for @weevmo's Guys... they're so neat! i dig their vibes and can't wait to see what Corduroy Stew is all about <3
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just-null · 7 months
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he wants kiss, but he doesnt out right ask for one. (he got one.)
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s-aint-elmo · 11 months
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no thoughts head empty the oppressive stagnancy of legacy in ever after high dragging me round the block yet again
it's such a shame that we get so little explanation about the actual mechanics of destiny, which is the entire premise of the show, bc it's so juicy. like what power does destiny hold when you rip away milton's lies and centuries of assumptions and traditions. esp bc despite raven signing herself as the evil queen in the real storybook of legends, when the snow white fairytale actually happens in dragon games she's playing one of the seven dwarves and her mother has reprised her role. like how much of that was because of the characters' actions and how much was destiny pulling on old, familiar threads. keeps me up at night.
a lot of this is probably just like, plot holes and writer hot potato but i like making it that deep, that's half of the fun. my personal interpretation is that fate is a wild thing that desires repetition and they developed the system of fairytale legacy bloodlines to keep those repetitions predictable and contained, instead of wreaking havoc whenever and wherever they please. 
which lends itself to some really juicy exploration of how legacy is a duty as much as it is a privilege, and how to be a princess or a witch or a hero or a dragon is to be the same thing in the end: the lamb destiny slaughters on the altar to sate the ever-ravenous narrative. to keep the flock safe. keep the unknown that prowls beyond the beaten path at bay. because if a there is always a mother who will be cruel, or a maiden who will fall into a sleep like death, or a child who will become a bird, isn’t it better to know who, and how, and when? isn’t better if it’s you, who has known your whole life that you must be eaten, be poisoned, be stripped of your humanity, rather than anybody else, who wasn’t raised to see it as an honour instead of a great and terrible injustice?
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honeypleasejustkillme · 8 months
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never was much of a romantic (i’m incredibly romantic, from the day i met you something clicked in my mind that you are the one i want, i’ve loved before, i’ve been loved before but you take up your own section in my brain, i could stare at you for hours, listening to your voice is better than listening to any song, it has always been you, whether we end up romantic or not, it has always been you)
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lightningidle · 5 days
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Fig's line "I don't think I'm an artist, I think I'm just a good friend" has not left my head at all. Just...
You're Fig Faeth and your horns came in over the summer and you pick up the bard class as a form of adolescent rock 'n' roll rebellion, and it works! It's exactly the outlet you need! You give a guy you just met drumsticks and you start a band and it's good enough that within a year and a half you're touring. You are, in every sense, good at being a bard.
And then, finally, your junior year, you start to take it seriously. Your art goes from an outlet and a form of rebellion to a practice. A discipline. (Can rebellion exist within a discipline?) Your classmates know what they want to do with their work. They all have a thesis statement. And yeah, there's cohesion in the music you make, but you've never had to think about why you make it. You've never sat down and dissected what it is about bass that speaks to you. You've never poured over your lyrics to pick at any deeper meaning. Why should you? You don't play music for a grand design, you do it to... huh, why do you do it?
(Your art is the one form of self-expression that feels as safe as Disguise Self does, because even if you're pouring your heart onto the page and then screaming it in front of thousands of people, it's not like you're really making yourself known. You can sing I'm lonely, I'm scared, I'm furious, and your fans will sing it right back, and there will still be the distance between performer and audience to keep your heart safe.)
Now you're being asked to look inward to explain the artistic choices you're making, and you can't help but recoil at that, because you'd rather do anything than look inward. Meanwhile, your classmates have no problem with it, so you start to wonder if you're a real artist at all. Can your art be authentic if it only exists to bolster a thesis statement? Has your art been unauthentic this whole time because you've never really thought about a thesis statement before? Is that what makes it art, and not just the next track on somebody's teen angst playlist?
You can't think about yourself— acknowledging your own existence makes you want to puke. So if your music is an extension of yourself, (and it is, even if it's just because the spotlight reveals only what you want it to,) you can't think about your music. You can't. You have to. Your grade depends on it.
You're Fig Faeth, and you keep multiclassing because you'd rather be a good friend than a great artist. If introspection is what great art demands, then fuck it. You must not be a bard at all.
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lucksea · 2 months
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someone on youtube asked about a modern au. this is the only answer i have. its the only one i can give
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motherfuckingbrad · 4 months
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as a female engineering student i am so grateful to have representation like poppy li. too many “woman in stem” characters are, on top of being really smart, also really cool and really pretty but POPPY is a piece of shit, awkward as hell, egotistical little gremlin addicted to candy, power, and validation. she is the smartest person at mythic quest and also the weirdest person you’ve ever met. i love her so much
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crimeronan · 8 days
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writing raine and eda fighting is fascinating thus far because they are both people who are trying So Hard to keep their composure (raine bc they simply dont want to lose control and eda because she..... doesnt want to be the only person yelling), and yet. it's at a point where it's like. this argument would actually be more functional if you guys just gave in and shouted at each other. right now you're both pretending you're therapy-speak protags except neither of you has ever gone to therapy and neither of you will admit you have issues. like. good god could you just try to kill each other......
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sangerie · 7 months
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The fact that they have the EXACT opposite color palettes and everything fucks me up so bad
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And I just know that Sanji's suit had to have been designed and made for him right before they gave it to him...like it was all so fucking planned.
Even the canister is different with the yellow 3 just for Sanji and his belt has an S for Sanji (also presumably for Stealth too but whatever) it gives off the vibe that it was a newer model that they had to have made just for him recently.
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But also, like, why would they have even made this for him if they weren't planning on welcoming him into the family? If he was just a pawn in Judge and Big Mom's deal?
In their weird fucking way they really did keep saying throughout all of WCI that they were family and lets be family again. Like it was implied that Niji kept bringing up Sanji on the way home and he was mad that he didn't come out to greet them. Yonji went to personally go pick him up. Ichiji smiled when Sanji said he was a Vinsmoke but then frowned when he took it back.
Yonji took Sanji to a secret area that they all tried to get into when they were kids and revealed a huge family secret to him, trying to let him in on it and they all showed up but it just didn't go as planned because obviously Niji was a bitch right before and Sanji kicked his face in but presumably that was the moment when the brothers were probably trying ???? to bond with him ??? over Germa's ~great technology~ or whatever. Maybe. 😒
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It did not go as planned and they suck at expressing jack shit and they're assholes but it's obvious that they did kind of miss him and wanted their little brother back and not just as the punching bag like they said.
They said they talked about him for YEARS just to theorize if he's dead and how but lets be fuckin real...they talked about him for years. Because he's part of them and they're missing part of themselves without him.
The fact that Sanji's raid suit was even at the wedding means that the brothers were probably going to give it to Sanji as a wedding present. They kept trying to bond with him but they fucking suck at it. They just suck💔
Also I think Ichiji definitely either designed or had heavy input into Sanji's raid suit design because it's just SO specifically the opposite of his.
The white knight and the dark knight.
Plus Ichiji always has to be the most specialist little girl in the room and won't let his brothers wear his colors. ever. so he can stand out more. His brothers weren't allowed to have fuck all when it came to their color scheme but that means something all the more.
The fact that Sanji has 1:1 matching colors but just inverse of Ichiji means Ichiji was basically sharing his spotlight with him when he could have just given Sanji a hideous yellow and black combo but he wasn't given just yellow and black, he was given Ichiji's white and red as well. Which is a big deal for Ichiji, the most specialist princess after all...
(And then he gave him a mask as a way of saying "hey remember that time when you were forced to wear a mask alone for 6+ months in the dungeon...that was funny" just to be a dick one last time 😔💔)
But it's something ok. It was Something!
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parlerenfleurs · 2 months
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Starting to think, going by the MXTX fandoms, that a lot of people are comfortable with being a bit terrible and not thriving for an ideal whatsoever, because they really really reeaaally want to believe Xue Yang and Jiang Cheng are poor cuties who weren't lucky and the heroes are a bunch of holier-than-thou arrogant bitches who need to be taken down a peg when the text says the opposite, because then it justifies their own faults and hatred of genuinely awesome people who seem to have it better in life and isn't that sooo unfair and isn't it fair that they should suffer to learn what it's like to suffer like them, poor tortured, petty, flawed humans who see themselves in the villains rather than the heroes.
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girlgerard · 5 months
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mommm white people on tumblr are misconstruing my posts again despite the post being entirely about how important wording is + how i don’t feel comfortable posting large statements when i haven’t fully processed them yet.
#if you want to put me on a blocklist for loving netanyahu you can! i don’t! and no matter how many times i get told i do#i still don’t!#i literally said i hope his balls get cut off IN THAT POST#i don’t know how that read as unclear.#perhaps there are no hidden genocidal messages behind the wording of my tumblr posts - who knows!#when i said i cared about every single civilian living in that land i meant it. if you decide that i actually don’t that’s not my problem#if you somehow took my words and decided that what i really meant is that i’m a government bootlicker who loves murder#you can do that all you want. it won’t make it true and it won’t help save any lives#i was in ramallah and jerusalem six months ago. have you gone?#if the answer is no maybe think about that for a second#moreover if you’re viewing this from a purely racial or religious framework you have no idea how to navigate this subject#i don’t view israel and palestine through which government i want to back. why the fuck would i do that#palestinians and jews and everyone else in that land is who i care about. i care about gazans#if that’s not enough of ‘a side’ for you i don’t really think there’s much of a conversation to be had.#do you think i wake up every day NOT thinking about gaza? do you think i wouldn’t feel nauseous every second of every day because of gaza?#do you think that within everything i’m saying that the most logical conclusion would be to post all of my thoughts on tumblr?#because if you think any of that we’re not going to have a productive conversation. i don’t take kindly to being told my own emotions
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bonebabbles · 4 days
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I remember when I was reading DOTC when I was around 10, and ever since Misty died I had been waiting for the moment where Birch and Alder learned about her murder, how everyone in their lives has kept it a secret. And then it just didn't happen.
I also remember obsessively re-reading the part where Quiet Rain blows up at Clear Sky.
Birch and Alder are two characters that are just so...
I WANT to say they were forgotten about, but that word doesn't feel right for how they're constantly showing up on the screen. Clear Sky occasionally feels guilty about how he murdered their mother, but for the vast majority of the time, that's described in passive voice. So you're not reminded of just HOW cruel he was, and still very much is.
It's like they're not allowed to be characters.
Like, how does Alder feel about Clear Sky, who seemed to be acting as an adoptive father until he beat her as a child? How did Birch respond later, when Clear Sky was so busy thrashing his sister that he was threatened by a dog? How do they feel about the man who took their mother away from them?
They keep getting cited as "Good Examples Of Non-Campborn Cats," dodging around the fact they were stolen and raised by Petal. Like a lot of the other "adoptions" in the series, she quietly stops mattering to them. But even this fact... like, they're being OTHERED when they were functionally raised SkyClan.
How do they feel about THAT? That their earliest memory is SkyClan, and yet, they'll never be considered truly, fully "clanborn."
Their whole life taken from them, by Clear Sky's cruelty, their formative years spent in his violent shadow, and the narrative is just not interested in that.
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thexgrayxlady · 4 months
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I think I like the idea of Murtagh and Thorn handling side quest type things for a while once they make it out to Mt Angor. As annoyed as Murtagh is that his already abbreviated training keeps getting interrupted, Thorn's the only mature dragon who isn't tied down to one location.
The first time, they're sent up to the north of the spine, near Carvahall. The longer they're up there, the more Murtagh suspects that the villagers did not need the help of a dragon rider to get rid of a particularly vicious cave bear, but he's already here and it's nice to feel useful and wanted and once he gets over himself, he gets to meet Roran. Reuniting with his brother wasn't nearly as horrible as he thought it would be. Adding a cousin to the mix shouldn't be that bad. Once the initial awkwardness is past, they get along like a house on fire. Even so, he tries to leave quietly once the bear's been tracked and dispatched.
Roran's having none of it. He and Thorn are family, even if he is a prickly grouch. They're at least staying for dinner. Thorn will not let him say no. Ismira is delighted by her uncle and his dragon friend. Dinner turns into a few extra days of helping around Carvahall and spending time with his family. By the time he actually leaves, he, Thorn, Katrina, and Roran are plotting to kidnap Eragon and bring him out here for Ismira's birthday.
Then they spend a few weeks in Illeria, trying to help Nasuada negotiate with the mages because the system, as it's currently set up, is a powder keg. They're happy to see Alin settling in nicely and that she's genuinely enjoying the outside world. Murtagh gets to be a fancy boy who knows politics at galas. He's having the time of his life dragging an ambassador for being a bad dancer. The four of them get involved in so many spy thriller shenanigans because Murtagh cannot go five minutes without kicking some kind of hornets nest.
They go north and fight a sea serpent alongside Uvek. Murtagh can only watch with horror while Thorn plunges into the icy abyss to stop it from dragging their boat under. Then lines on their harpoons go slack and come up cut. He's about to dive in after him when Thorn's head breaches the waves.
"She will not trouble your tribes anymore," Thorn says, dragging himself, panting, onto the pack ice, and adds softly, "I could not bear to destroy something with such a beautiful song."
They find more leads on the Draumar, only now they have enough experience to follow them safely.
Of course, half the time they either create or stumble into far more problems than they wanted. Murtagh can escalate taking care of some small time bandits into a narrowly averted major diplomatic incident between the Broddring Empire and Surda in under three minutes. At one point, they go to take care of some minor smuggling and somehow, wind up leading a heist in Ellesmera and both refuse to elaborate on how those two things are connected.
Eragon looses count of the number of times they come back far later than anticipated, and when questioned about it, Murtagh's first answer is just, "Fucking Durza!"
Thorn continues his side quest to get Murtagh laid, only now he's armed with the knowledge of romantic ballads. His arranged meet-cutes with any of the men or women he deems acceptable are met with a resounding lack of success.
Thorn builds his confidence up with bandits and wild animals and more of the little surprises Durza left around the continent. He learns drinking songs and ballads in taverns and from harvest festivals and on the road and eventually starts to share his own work. He watches people change from approaching him with fear, to caution, to acceptance, and eventually to joy.
And slowly, but surely the people of Alagaësia stop feeling dread at the sight of the red dragon and his rider and instead, feel safe.
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illegiblehandwriting1 · 4 months
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frankly i think the best way to differentiate fanon sky and canon sky is to take a look at groose's redemption arc. both forgive him for the bullying but fanon sky says "he didn't mean it!" Canon sky says "i deserved it"
(for reference, canon sky is sky as shown in the game/inferred directly from sksw)
#chicken scratch#smoke & ashes#lu sky#linked universe#would like to say that this post came to me about a hypothetical ghirahim redemption arc#and the post very nearly works albeit at a more extreme level (because yknow. the Murders)#but the problem is that groose antagonized link specifically#but ghirahim didn't give a shit about link he was just fucking around the first time you meet him#he only plays with link because he's in the way of getting to zelda#so link doesn't matter to him he just wants to hurt zelda#and that's the difference. theres why a ghirahim redemption arc would never work#sky doesn't give a shit about himself his low self esteem takes care of that#but as soon as you go after his loved ones it is over#sky is such an emotional person#he loves quickly and it's so easy to weasel your way into his heart#and it takes a very special kind of antagonization *cough hylia cough* to make him hate you forever#UNLESS you come after his friends. shortcut to being in the bad books forever.#he will kill you for one (1) corn chip#his low self love plus his high emotions and love for his friends equals this disaster of a man#and is why canon sky would never say i deserve it about ghirahim#he fully believes ghirahim is an asshole (which is true) and NOTHING he does is deserved#in skys mind nothing ghirahim did to him matters#it's the fact he wants zelda that means all bets are off and ghirahim's fucked#it's not about sky it's always about his loved ones#but i have indeed read fanfic where fanon sky is like oh this is ghirahim he tried to kill me it's all good now#so yea fanon sky would still say he didn't mean it#ok but like twisted ghira redemption arc where he realizes demise isn't the allpowerful master he thought#this god was just beaten by a pissed off teenager yknow what a fucking joke#anyway#ghira ends up thinking a lot about it being like so demise wasn't the right guy to follow
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