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universalistotalis · 3 years

Text

Too Far

Angst!!!

Atsumu Miya x Female Reader

Word count: 1.5k

Loving Atsumu Miya was absolute bliss. You loved every second of his affection, his skin, his warmth, his laugh, and his jokes. That giant bastard may be a crackhead to his friends and family, but with you, his affectionate side just pops out of nowhere. His eyes filled with love when he looks at you. His arms opened so wide to envelope you in an embrace so tight, your feet lift up the floor with ease. His words laced with care and love with a hint of playfulness at the side and they never failed to make your insides scramble everytime.

You shake your head from the daydream that you’ve consistently been having since the start of the relationship.

God, you loved him so much, didn’t you? You gave your whole world to the man of your dreams. You sacrificed time, effort, patience, you name it, just to have one second by his side.

And because of that love, you became an absolute fool.

Who were you kidding, right? THE Great Atsumu Miya will never settle. Who were you to tame that wild beast? How special did you think you were when he had a sea of people under his spell, his command?

Just face it, you’re nothing to him.

And so you did. You left your shared apartment after waiting for him to come home for the nth time. Who knows where he was, who he’s with, what he’s doing. You were done thinking of an imaginary Atsumu who will love you wholeheartedly. That’s just not going to happen.

After many sobs and insecurities flooding in, you were ready to face the world again. Even more ready to face Atsumu. He’s nothing to you now. There were no grudges held in your heart. There were no tears in yours eyes. But more importantly, there was new love formed in your chest and that’s reserved for the most important person in your life. You.

“Damn, y/n!!! What happened to you?!” One of your friends cheered as you met to go to a club on a Friday night. Work was pretty hectic lately and you all agreed to a well- deserved night out.

“No kidding, you’re literally glowing!!!” Another hyped and slapped your ass playfully as you walked through the doors. “Let’s get wasted tonight!!!”

And my god, your whole group did. You all danced to your heart’s content, ordered liquor until your head got rid of all inhibitions, laughed at each other’s faces and jokes… overall, it was a night to remember.

“Y/n?” You heard a voice behind you followed by your right wrist being cased within the hands of another.

You were just on the verge of getting sober so you wonder if the image right in front of your eyes was real or not. He used to stand with his chest puffed out in confidence but now, he looked deflated. Under his eyes were dark circles, proof of him not sleeping well. His usual playful demeanor was gone and the man in front of you now looked so lost, confused… lonely.

“Atsumu?” You squinted, not believing the sight in front of you.

“It really is you.” He slurred and you had a whiff of liquor on his breath. “How have you been?”

“I’ve been doing great, Miya. Thanks.” You smiled, genuinely.

“Where’s my sweet nickname?” He joked. “You look so damn happy celebratin’ with yer friends tonight, huh? That happy to be rid of me, ain’t ya?” He chuckled darkly.

You were taken aback with what he said. What does he have to do with you having a great party?

“Miya, don’t do this right now. I have to go.” You tried to excuse yourself from his intrusion.

“I hate it. I hate it so goddamn much.” He whispered, closing the distance between you two and caged you on the wall behind. “I’ve been a mess since ya left, sweetheart. Seeing you having the time of your life makes me feel so damn angry. Am I that easy to forget?”

“Atsumu, I—“

“Come back to me.” He puffed. “Come back to me and I promise to treat ya right. I’ll do everythin’ ya want, just please… I love you.” His voice faltered at the end as whimpers of his cries followed. Never in your whole life did you think you’d see him break down because of you. But here he is! AND you never thought of hearing those three words with utmost sincerity from his lips. But again, here he is!

A nostalgic smile lifted from your lips and Atsumu stared at it for a while. The alcohol in his system was enough to make himself go haywire but your smile sent him spiraling. He meant what he said. He missed you to death. He needed you back.

“Come back to me, please.” He repeated and leaned his forehead on yours.

“I’m sorry, Miya.” You said as you held his face in your hands. “Thank you for being honest with me. But it’s too late. I’ve moved on from everything and you should too.”

His head violently shook no as more tears spilled from his eyes. He’ll do everything for you except let you go. “I’ll be better. Please, I’ll be better! I’ll try my best to keep ya, baby, that’s how much I love you! I can’t—“

“Then try your best with the next person because it won’t be me, Miya. I hope you understand.” You said while wiping his tears. “That relationship was too toxic for me and I can’t go back.”

“I’m sorry.” He said, voice too slow and too low to even hear but you did. “I’m so sorry.”

“Atsumu! You prick!” Your head whipped to the left at the familiar voice that boomed. Osamu barreled over to where you were but his steps slowed as he saw your figure caged inside Atsumu’s arms.

“Y/n.” He said, as if in a daze.

“Hi Osamu.” You greeted awkwardly since Atsumu’s stare is still hard and focused on your face. The alcohol seemed to have a toll on him and he was beginning to doze off. Either that, or he still did not process what you’ve been saying.

“Stop it, man.” Osamu came behind his twin and caught him by the collar. He turned to you next while carrying a limp Atsumu in his embrace. “I’m sorry for his behavior. He drinks more than he can take. He’s been out of it since… you know… your break up.”

You smiled sadly. “Oh.” Well, what were you supposed to say to that?

“Y/n!!! Come back here!” One of your friends saw you and waved you to the table.

“That’s my cue to go.” You smiled.

“Yeah.” Osamu nodded.

“Osamu, you’re here!” Atsumu woke up from his reverie and comically hugged his brother, surprising the both of you.

“You know what? Y/n was here! I told her I love her but she didn’t believe me! Tell her! Tell her for me! Maybe she’ll believe you! Help me man, I can’t lose her!”

Your chest burned at the sight and at his words. How you longed for him to say those three words in the past. But it’s just too late.

“Stop it, Tsumu.” Osamu whispered, heart aching for his twin. He saw how broken he was these past few months but then it was his fault after all. He shot you an apologetic look. “I’m sorry for this again. Take care, Y/n.”

“Take care too, Osamu.” You smiled. “Take care of him too.”

“I will.” He agreed then proceeded to take Atsumu to their table.

“It hurts, Samu.” Sudden whimpers came out from Atsumu’s mouth after a few steps. “It fucking hurts. I don’t think I can take this.”

“Imagine how she felt, you bastard.” Osamu sighed. “She really was a keeper, wasn’t she?”

Atsumu hummed in agreement. “She was. She still is.”

“Look, she’s gone, Tsumu. You need to move the fuck on and stop tormenting the poor girl! You’ve caused her enough pain.” Atsumu then was dumped harshly on the cushions.

“You don’t know what you have until it’s gone.” The saying rang in Atsumu’s ears, echoing louder and louder as the music in the club intensified throughout the night. It mocked him to the core! He drank himself to oblivion for months now, trying to forget your presence in his life. Visions of you were everywhere! You were in his room tucking him to bed. You were in the kitchen whipping up a random recipe from the internet. You were in his living room, dancing to his playlist even when you heard the songs for the first time. You were in the stands cheering for his every move. You were even on his morning jogs, passing his water bottle to make sure he’s hydrated.

You took care of him in the best way possible and he can’t believe how involved you were with his life. How did he not see that? He didn’t realize that what he bothered himself within the past were temporary things that brought temporary bliss. You were his life, his love. How could he throw something so serious? So permanent?

He watched you from afar, drunk as fuck but visions still sharp as a hawk on your side. You were happily talking to your friends, rewarding them with your gorgeous smile and wonderful laugh. Maybe this was his punishment for ever breaking someone as pure as you.

He may be close to where you were but he can never be too close to be yours again.

Okay wait HAHAHA I love Atsumu but I wanted to write an angsty post about him so here it is! This was inspired by the song “Bedroom” by JJ Lin and Anne- Marie. I just love that song so much, I have it on repeat rn.

ALSO YOU'RE SO WORTH IT AND YOU DESERVE THE BEST! Just reminding y'all in case you forgot. <3 hope you liked this one! <3

#atsumu x y/n #atsumu angst #atsumu miya #miya atsumu #haikyuu scenarios #haikyuu reader insert #haikyu x reader #angst #atsumu fic #atsumu x female reader #atsumu scenarios #hq atsumu #atsumu imagines #haikyuu angst

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jiminrings · 3 years

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🧘🏻‍♀️ manifesting (their first) interaction between y/n and stem!koo 🧘🏻‍♀️ like i can't imagine koo talking to her and not knowing his secret lunchbox deliver is right in front of him !!!

cold senior!y/n x stem major!koo masterlist :D

stem!koo is in agony and it’s getting in the way of his academics

maybe.,.,

just mAYBE you should’ve warmed up a little bit more before this goddamn practice match

it doesn’t help too that you’re still a lil bit hungover from last night because seokjin and yoongi iNSISTED to get everyone drunk

they put a beanie on the corner of the tv and each of you had to drink whenever someone appears at the edge of it :’’’)

also didn’t help the fact that yoongi tried to be helpful

shoved his fingers into your mouth in an attempt to get you to puke (so you would feel better in the morning) but in doing so, HE’S the one who puked

and now you were disgusted and therefore unable to p-word

everyone’s lagging in their game today, and with you being the team captain, of cOURSE you had to boost team morale

by boosting team morale u meant moving excessively and grinding extra hard and jostling them much more so they’d do the same

and it’s working!!!!

it’s working and now you feel like passing out :D

your jersey’s soaked and your socks are damp and you want to nestle in the cooler by yourself

fortunately, your coach fINALLY called for a ten-minute break

rip you’re sprawled out in the bleachers

extra rip why is the sun being blocked rn ://

yeah well you dO wear sunscreen and reapply it every two hours, but you didn’t think that it’d be this effective

almost like you can’t see the sun at all

like your eyes are closed and there’s no heat beating down on them

it’s almost as if someone’s i-in... front.......... of you

this is not white chicks??????

that is most definitely nOT terry crews??????

“m-miss y/n?”

you’re still a little bit groggy and it’s taking your eyes awhile to re-focus, unintentionally having a scowl on in the process

“who’s asking?”

you’re gonna scream if it’s another one of those scouts jeez they can ask for you after practice and not during your break!!

“o-oh! i’m uh, jeon jungkook?? sorry, yeah, i don’t know why i sounded unsure. i am jungkook, your junior...?”

....

WAIT WAIT WHAT

you try not to move up abruptly, putting yourself up on your elbows that makes jungkook intimidatingly take a few steps back and give you your distance

you clearly did not expect this

“how may i... help.... you?”

kook is literally shaking in his boots and he’s not even wearing boots

you’re just giving him a blank glance and not to be rude but USUALLY (!!!) he’s used to the other person making conversation and taking it from there

he’s blanking out for a second and it’s only when you tilt your head at him that he snaps out of it

“right!!! we have this statistics assignment?? a-and we need to interview an athlete for it and i was hoping if i could uhm, if i could interview you?”

weird

out of all the athletes in uni, why would jungkook ever come to you??

not that you’re complaining but you didn’t exactly expect that your first interaction with him would be out of necessity

there’s this tense silence that stretches and jungkook still awkwardly has his hands balled nervously and your still on your elbows

“oh. okay. i have eight minutes left of break before i go back to my game.”

he jolts up at that before he’s meticulously pulling things from his backpack rather ungracefully, “no worries!! i can just wait for you after your game.... i-i think?”

cute

you’d find him cuter if only he hadn’t been giving your lunches that you’ve worked hard on

>:(

“yeah? and when’s that deadline of yours?”

jungkook stills as if you’ve just exposed him, sheepishly bowing his head

“tonight. 11:59 pm.”

huh

even more weird

you thought jungkook was an early bird when it comes to these things because he’d literally march to the desk just a day after a task was given

you ponder in thought, abruptly standing to go to your coach

jungkook fREAKS out on his knees

“i’m so sO sorry to have bothered-...”

coach jeong only nods once with a firm line on his lips, dismissing you because he’s figured that the captain cOULD ask favors from him every once in a while

kook stops his apologies when you look at him again, towel on your shoulders

you look bored with him

“i can squeeze you in.”

alright that’s gonna sink in eventually

pls function

one

two

“o-oh! thank you so much!! i-i won’t take long, i promise.”

jungkook wastes no time in setting everything up even if he seems disorganized

he has his pen and paper ready plus his phone to record you

apparently, it’s all just bASIC questions and lmao they truly were

do you eat breakfast everyday? how often do you work out? how often do you get injured in a game??

“lastly, how do you pack your lunchboxes?”

“well-...“ your eyes narrow at the question, tilting your head in confusion

there is absolutely nO way that is still a part of his questionnaire

not unless he knows it’s you in the flesh?????

jungkook’s eyes widen at the same time yours do and your jaw clenches because oh my fucking god did he figure you out

o_O

jungkook sheepishly shakes his head, going immediately into a sad smile before he waves it off

“sorry. i uh, i’m just going through it right now,” he mumbles under his breath, writing something on his paper, “... but really, how do you do it?”

“jungkook.”

he giggles at the way you deadpan eVEN when you were ready at the moment to worm your way out of it, thrusting his pen and paper to your hands

“write your full name and sign, please. y’know, ‘i, blank blank, consent to jeon jungkook’ the basic?”

???

did this mf just say blank OUT LOUD??? TWICE????

you only try to discreetly laugh under your breath when you do so, handing it back with ease unlike him

“i also need a picture for documentation, i-if that’s alright?”

oh uhm

you’re still soaked in sweat????

jungkook must’ve seen your panic as he aids in, handing you a mask and gesturing for the towel to cover up how cLEARLY drenched you are

(but with your jersey showing!!!!!)

this is clearly a lot to take in

your first interaction aND a picture together???

jungkook keeps profusely bowing his head to you, gathering his items neatly before bidding you goodbye

his eyes do a double-take at the notebook, only wanting to make sure that all the details are complete and he wouldn’t have to trouble you later for clarifications

jeon jungkook

he goes rigidly frozen that it makes you tilt your head once again, a shaky sigh on him that he’d only correct later

“n-nothing! i think i just saw this handwriting before, that’s all.”

#drabble nights #jungkook imagine #jungkook oneshot #jungkook drabbles #stem koo

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pigeonxp · 3 years

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YGCMA songs and how they relate to c!Wilbur based off of yesterday’s lore (in my biased opinion)

This is so dumb and i literally don’t care. I can’t think about anything else other than doing this synopsis even tho like 28480329204 other people are going to do it. idc.

(I listened to the songs earlier, and i’m also listening to them as i write the opinions. these are basically just my thoughts while listening tbh. im also not doing the full song, just some things i feel relate within each song)

- Jubilee Line

the lines at the beginning of the song, “hate to see you leaving / a fate worse than dying” could relate to how wilbur feels after tommy gets pulled back into the overworld. or, he could be referencing L’Manburg and how he hates to see his country leaving him (ouch).

then we have the lines “your city gave me asthma / so thats why im fucking leaving / and your water gave me cancer / and the pavements hurt my feelings”. This could be in relation to L’Manburg as a whole. He put everything he had into L’Manburg and it only ended up hurting him in the end. yikes.

now we have “shout at the wall / ‘cause the walls dont fucking love you” repeated. This could be in reference to when he said he was fucking kicking and screaming to get out of the train station. hes screaming and he doesnt care because it doesnt matter to him. it doesnt love him just like how the people of L’Manburg didnt love him. wilbur get therapy challenge.

so based on the lore from yesterday, we know that c!wilbur’s limbo was a train station (props to fanartists. i love you.), presumably the YCGMA album cover type deal. when he sings “Theres a reason / that London puts barriers on the tube line / theres a reason / that London puts barriers on the rails” repeated. if the train station looks like how they do on the album cover, there could be barriers where he is. maybe hes trying his best to just kill himself over again by jumping onto the tracks. just in an attempt to escape. jfc

“theres a reason they fail”. he was still in the train station, wasnt he?

- Saline Solution

for this one, i feel like hes pretty far into the void and regretting his decision to have phil kill him. hes tired of being in a fucking train station for years on end.

“i think this time im dying / im not melodramatic / im just pragmatic beyond any / reasoning for thinking ive got / fuckin rabies or something.” hes so fucking sick of being in this goddamn train station and he thinks hes dying. hes so pent up and sick of being there, maybe hes just in so much pain that he feels like hes dying. if hes been there for a while, hes probably bound to go crazy at some point, hence the “pragmatic beyond any reasoning.”

“I think ive lost my mind / blurring the fact and the fictions” this feels like he really does believe hes going crazy and is mixing up the things he really knows and the things his mind is creating for him. maybe this is when tommy first arrived and he cant tell if he real or not (thats a stretch but i figured id share it anyway.)

“I think ive made my choice / im a deceased playing victim / slip the face, slip the victory” he quite literally says that hes a deceased playing victim. hes literally saying hes dead HAHHAHAH anyway. maybe hes blaming himself again, because us c!wilbur apologists all know that hes very good at doing that.

“Sit secluded in hatred /.../” hes sitting in a fucking train station for god knows how long beating himself up over and over again and just hating himself. hes all alone. with himself. someone he fucking loathes.

this is honestly all i have for Saline Solution, but i will definitely add more later if i get different theories.

- Since I Saw Vienna

This is my favorite song on the album and my comfort song so that could factor into this bit ahaha

im going to skip through this one a little bit and go to the line “The roads are my home, horizons my target / if i keep on moving, never lose sight of it / treating my memory of you like a fire, let it / burn out, don’t fight it, try to move on” this sounds like hes reminiscing on his home in L’Manburg and his presidency was something he relied on and he would fight to get it back, but now that hes dead and said that it should remain that way that he should just let it go. trying to move on from his symphony, forever unfinished.

“its been sixty weeks since i saw vienna / a bandage and a wide smile slapped across my face / ill pick up my hiking boots when i am ready / and ill put down my roots when im dead.” THESE LINES FUCK ME UP IN GENERAL BUT HOW THEY RELATE TO C!WILBUR RN IS JUST SUIBHYSBUSHDXNSKJDNHBD YK???? in the context that vienna is L’Manburg and he died, its saying that its been a long ass time since hes seen it and hes faking being okay about his death. he misses it but doesnt want to admit it. the picking up the hiking boots when hes ready is him moving on from his L’Manburg, and putting his roots down when hes dead is finally being okay with not living there/being an important part of it. he believed his death was the best for the people in L’Manburg and L’Manburg itself. it seems like hes still trying to convince himself.

“Ill be gone then, for when you must be alone.” hes gone. hes dead. hes in the train station. he left the L’Manburgians alone and hes alone in his limbo. man.

- Losing Face

this song is angry. hes so fucking angry. my thoughts are that this is about the following presidents after him. he feels like the L’Manburgians were happier without him and im pretty sure he believed that even when Schlatt was president. this is so evident in the lyric “Is he better than me?” Hes literally asking if the other presidents were better than he was. he doesnt believe he did everything he could to be the best president, even though we all know that he gave everything that he was into that country and then some. he broke himself for the L’Manburg but he doesnt believe hes enough. sheesh.

“Ive seen him / ive been him / ive felt the same way” even though he cant see the new presidents being president, he knows what its like. he knows that they might break under the pressure. hes been there. he knows how if feels. yikes.

“Ive lost all meaning / ive lost my sense of hope” this feels like when he was nearing the end of L’Manburg when he blew it up, and that he feels like trying to win it back is pointless. he has no hope for it anymore, so why not give up? his mental state is already shit yk so i cant really blame him for feeling that way.

“i dont care / i want you here / as long as youre happy, i dont care” this line. this fucking line. hes lost hope in being president, but he doesnt care. he just wants the L’Manburgians to be happy. that was his whole thought process while he was president. he didnt matter to himself, he just wanted them to be happy. he sacrificed his mental state for them. cries in wilbur apologist.

- Your Sister Was Right

this is my second favorite song on the album i think HAHAHAH

anyway

“I use everyone i ever meet / i cant find the perfect match / abuse those i love / while i ostracize the ones who love me / back.” wowie wow wow fucking ouchie. He feels like he uses his friends. this whole thing is a projection of his shit ass mental state rn fucking hell. he feels like hes abusive. thats what everyones been telling him. they tell him he was awful and a shit president and all that jazz even though hes been killing himself trying to be the best for them but its still not enough (pigeon projecting? more likely than you think)

“every time that i miss you / i feel the way you hurt / and i dont deserve you / you deserve the world / though it feels like we were built / from the same dirt.” man. hes dead lol. he misses the L’Manburgians. not only were they his supporters, but they were all his friends too. every time he misses his friends he feels their pain of when he first blew up L’Manburg. he feels like because he caused them all pain that they dont like him and that they never liked him and that he is undeserving of their friendship. he still wants to be friends with them. he still loves them. he still wants the best for them. he thinks theyre so much better than him even though they all created L’Manburg together. in reality they are all the same, but their actions impact each other and he feels that his actions make him worse than them or less than. fuckisonmdfnpbhife

“and i hate to say it / but your sister was right / dont trust english boys / with far too much free time” sister is dream mayhaps. fuckngeionsfjg that hurt sorry uhhh anyway yeah sister is dream?? he did say that wilbur would be a shit president and he believes that hes a shit president so he thinks they were all right about him being a shit president fbhjebinfnejg. maybe sister is just everyone who didnt believe in wilbur. man....

“a fucking waste of time” do i even need to explain this one? he fr doesnt belive hes worth it anymore and that hes literally a waste of time. hjkfbhnfve

- La Jolla

this one feels pretty far into train station limbo to me as well. namely from “and im lonely / there i said it” this could either be him being lonely as president and feeling like he doesnt have anyone to talk to really because hes too busy trying to hold himself together for everyone. either that or hes lonely in the station and didnt want to admit it because this is what he wanted. he wanted to die. he wanted to be dead because he believed thats what everyone else wanted and he just wanted the best for them.

“i could go away / i could pack my things and be gone before you wake” he could leave if they asked him to. he would do anything for them.

“you know ive tried hard to love me too / it always seems to fall in, through” this line already physically pained me but now it hurts even more having to relate it to a character i love. we already know that his mental state was declining as his presidency continued, but this would confirm that hes just trying to love himself even though he can never seem to get it right.

“my own personal sunset” this is just the ‘this is my sunrise’ line but different. my man misses the sun. fuck.

- I’m Sorry Boris

this song is almost definitely from a long ass time in the limbo.

“and im sorry / but, boris / im leaving / im not good for anyone here” boris represents L’Manburgians!! hes talking about how hes leaving the world by planning on killing himself. fuck.

“we reached the end of a decade” mans been dead for a decade. sheesh.

he then goes on to say that he cant believe hes leaving, he doesnt think he wants to leave them, but he thinks its whats best for them.

he talks about how they do all of these bullshit things before helping you and i know its in reference to london but for the sake of my sanity its about the presidency role and how it will fuck you up before bothering to help you not want to kill yourself.

should i do a separate post about how i visualized it/about how i thought about the song in paragraph form like a lowkey explanation? idk how to explain it but in this one i wanted to just cover some of the lyrics of the songs and my thoughts on them. i think c!wilbur wrote these in the limbo after he died. i know this is also shit and Not Good, but i really just needed to get my thoughts out before it killed me. i also didnt reread this. its probably repetitive and shit yk. i do Not Care. id also love to hear thoughts on this if yall want to. if you made it this far i love you please hydrate and eat today and youre so sexy ahaha

“and even though im finished / im not quite done with it” even though hes finishing his symphony by blowing it up, hes now realizing he wished he hadnt blown it up and that he hadnt killed himself. man.

#tw death #tw suicide #wilbur soot #ycgma #dream smp #tommyinnit #dream #c!wilbur #fuck i love this album

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fairycosmos · 3 years

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when you say you'll miss therapy you mean it was helping you? i feel like a failure because i also tried it it months ago and it was a waste of time and money and energy. i also lost my sister 9 months ago. i have tried and nothing has helped. it stands to reason i have to die. and i want to die. i don't want help. i truly don't. i just want to die. right now. it's awful how these are just words but i am writing them while i am crying trying to come down from a panic attack and they seem so calm. i just want to go lie down with my sister and stay down there forever and sleep forever with her. nothing can help. i truly know this in my flesh. there is no help. i knew it before and i know it even more now. i want to die & nobody can understand.

hey. to be honest, while the therapist knew about my sister, i told her i wasn't ready to talk about the actual death and the trauma of it in detail. i only had 3 sessions with her overall and we started from my childhood. so when i said it helped i guess i just meant that finally acknowleding things from back then and conceptualizing them in actual reality and not just in my head, felt nice. i'm really really sorry about your sister. i say this a lot but there really isn't any words for it, and there really is no comfort either. i'm just so sorry. it is unbearable, i can't pretend otherwise. but you are definitely not a failure. finding the right therapist and the right timing for going to therapy is basically half the battle, it is so so important. it can take forever and it has nothing to do with personal fault. right now you don't want help, you said it yourself. and i'm not saying that in a blame-y way by the way, it is completely understandable. like, majorly. you have lost perhaps the most important thing in the world to you and nothing will ever be the same again. nobody gets it because all grief is unique, because all relationships are unique. it is literally a special kind of hell, and i'm right there with you. the words minimize the experience so much. this is the most unintangible chaos, unsayable heaviness and hurt. the fact is it can't be translated into an explanation, and that makes it all the more isolating. i don't blame you for wanting to give up because the suffering is so strong and relentless, though at the same time it's obvious to me that you deserve so much more than that. and again, you're not a failure. i hope you can practice letting go of that notion sometime, even if it feels like a lie. honestly, reaching out for help and talking to professionals might be something you do for the entirety of your adulthood. trying to find some resolution or modicum of acceptance may be a lifelong thing. and that is honestly ok, even if it is exhausting, even if it doesn't feel worth sticking around for at the moment. this is not a linear process. the only thing you have to focus on is getting through right now. that's how i do it, anyway. i pretend the future and the past don't exist sometimes, and i just try to survive the moment. not trying to be melodramatic but it feels a bit like burning alive or freezing to death, and counting down the seconds until the pain eases just a little. sometimes it seems like it never does, sometimes there are moments its broken by superficial distractions. to be frank, i keep thinking i'll find the perfect mantra to tell myself, and to tell other people like you, that will get us through this, but there just isn't one. sometimes it's all just incomprehensibly hard, and it can't be saved or made better. but i do understand, at least to an extent. and a lot of people do, it shocks me all the time how many of us are carrying it with us. like you i don't think there's anything that truly helps grief, not even time really, but there are things that briefly alleviate the bones of it. the talking, crying, honouring, like i said the distracting, even. and it's not enough at all, it never ever will be, it is still unfathomable pain on top of unfathomable pain. i'm just trying to show you that's not all there is, or all there's going to be. it's alright if you're not ready to get proper help yet or if you don't know what to do next, you don't have to know. just focus on making it through the next hour. try to treat yourself like you would a young child or a close friend, even when you want to self destruct. try as many times as you need to for it to work. it's fucking awful and i don't want to live without my sister either, if i thought about getting older without her for more than two minutes i don't know what i'd do. but unfortunately we are still alive and we do have to work with that. and sometimes working with it literally means crying for days on end in bed. the point is you're here, and i hope you can talk to someone with time, but regardless i am so sorry and so proud of you. the grief is constant, but the intensity of each breakdown is not built to last no matter how permanent it feels in the moment. my inbox is always open if you need someone. please contact a friend/family member/emergency services if you feel like ur a threat to your own life rn. please try not to listen to ur brain, whatever suicidal shit it's spewing, and get someone to be with you if you need it. i am so sorry. i'll keep you and your sister in my heart too. so much of her is you, she helped shape this whole world, and the wonderful person you are. that is never going to change. sending so much love x

https://www.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines

#tw suicide #anon #talking

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catboymingi · 3 years

Text

reborn - in this life and the next chap. 3

navi/masterlist

story masterlist

pairing: mingi x reader

genre: angst; soulmates & reincarnation au

word count: 4.9k

warnings: dealing with grief & loss; mentions of suicide (not by any character); language

a/n: credits the shower as a co-author because it fills all the plot holes for me

life could be more cruel than anyone would ever be able to imagine, rewriting stories whose final chapter had already been decided on

once you had the little holes punched into your skin and the small jewelry put in you did feel a lot more like yourself. or a person you wouldn’t mind being, maybe. you felt like you’d taken control. finally, for the first time in forever, you didn’t mind the person you saw in the mirror. maybe it wasn’t who you would’ve been if nothing had happened, but something had happened and you felt like this was a pretty good visual representation of the change you’d gone through mentally and emotionally. you were happy about it, happier than just getting piercings maybe would have warranted, but you felt you had the right to be a little overexcited about it. compensation for a completely unexciting life, in a way.

maybe wasting your money on this hadn’t been the smartest choice, but maybe it wasn’t a waste if it finally gave you some sense of… you couldn’t even name it; accomplishment wasn’t the right word, but it wasn’t exactly content either. identity was only part of it, but there was no word to fully describe what it was.

wearing your headphones proved to be somewhat painful now that your ear had been mistreated like this, but you didn’t care. you went home, listening to music, feeling… good? feeling good. showering again when you were there to fully get rid of the blood that you’d have to deal with these next days or weeks, dressing into your pyjamas even though it wasn’t pyjama time yet, and watching a movie on your phone because you didn’t want to change mingi’s most recent tv channel. you were relaxed.

soulmates were an unfair business. some knew theirs ever since they were children - the mark appearing when the neighbours’ adorable little child was born, who just so happened to have a mark right from birth. others had to look for their soulmate, roaming the world to find them, eventually, never stopping until they found them, until that very first kiss, a spontaneous kiss, made the mark disappear but the heart gain so much. soulmates brought incredible amounts of happiness to those lucky enough to find them at a young age - but the pain they brought was unparalleled. more than one unlucky soul has tried to aid in speeding up the reincarnation process when their other half left them to dance with the souls that were waiting for a new chance at life, unaware that fate did what fate did and that ending yourself would not speed the process up.

some people spend a lifetime looking, only to find the soul matching with theirs for a brief glimpse before it was taken from them. soulmates brought uncomparable joy, but the sorrow they caused made some people think they were not worth it. there was one soul made for yours, and when that soul was taken from life it made many feel like their purpose had been taken. there was one chance for you, every lifetime; a second mark in the same lifetime was entirely unheard of. until now.

yunho’s eyes near fell out of their sockets when mingi entered his apartment again. and the tall brunette was about to question the expression, but his friend already explained himself before he had any chance to ask.

“mingi, what did you do?” was it an accusation? it sounded like one. the blond sounded shocked, so incredibly shocked that he started questioning himself. what had he done? the other had known about his plans for the day, so it couldn’t be the fact that he’d gone out. there had to be something else, but what could it possibly be?

“your neck. look at your neck!” and he found himself dragged to the bathroom, to the mirror, to reveal just what had shocked yunho so much.

“what the fuck?” he knew what this was. of course he knew. it was the same he’d found on his cheek, embarrassing him, until that very first time she kissed his cheek and the mark disappeared and he knew he was meant for her, meant for her only. except she was dead, and his mark had disappeared years ago, and it had looked different. it had looked softer, in a way, like her, who had always been so soft. this one had rough edges, a darker shade, though less prominent. it looked almost like a hickey, and that was probably what his friend had mistaken it for. but he knew what it was.

“don’t tell me you made out with y/n.”

the suspicion hurt, but he couldn’t blame yunho. yunho had never gotten a decent look at his own mark, because it was on his shoulder blade and twisting your body to be able to see it in the mirror made it look different than if you were to see it like that, and it was not like this, of course - the marks, he’d learned from talking to other people, were a lot like the kiss that would make them disappear. soft kisses left soft marks, passionate, angry kisses left marks looking like bruises. but he didn’t want to think about what this meant.

“yunho, has anyone ever had two soulmates in one life? please tell me i’m wrong, please don’t tell me that i just got a new soulmate just like this.”

now it dawned on the blond just what he had seen. that it wasn’t a hickey - that a hickey would be preferable.

“oh fuck.”

that was a very accurate representation of how mingi felt right now. he couldn’t just… he couldn’t just replace her, even if that was fate’s intention. he simply couldn’t. she’d been his everything, she still was, and there was also the fear that his new soulmate would be a literal baby, because that’s how these marks worked. they appeared at the exact time your soulmate entered the world. except he’d been in this world for more than twenty-one years already. the implications that held were weird, even when he knew that he wouldn’t be a creep.

“this has got to be wrong. some kind of… fate mistake. mislabelling. can fate mislabel their soulmates?” the brunette seemed like he was about to have a breakdown, like his brain was glitching, but who could blame him? this was entirely unheard of, and no one knew what this meant - was she gone from his life now? had he been assigned a new soulmate meant to replace her? he wasn’t over her, he wasn’t ready to be over her, he wasn’t ready to give up on her. he didn’t want to do that.

“let’s sit down.” he didn’t protest - he probably wouldn’t even have protested if yunho had told him to go rob a bank, he was so out of it.

“i’m sorry, mingi.” he knew it had to be hard for his friend, and he placed a hand on his shoulder to offer at least a little comfort. though he knew he couldn’t help with whatever the brunette was going through right now he could be there. that was all he could do.

“what the fuck, yunho. what the fuck am i supposed to do about this?”

“i wish i knew.” he could say that fate had its reasons, that there was a purpose for this, that it hadn’t happened if it wasn’t meant to be, but he knew none of that would make the situation better. none of that would help. the only thing that would help was self isolation and lots of crying, as proven by experience. and maybe a lot of makeup to cover the mark up until he was ready to face it - if he’d ever be. that was what he’d get now, for as long as he needed, because life had been hard enough for him already.

you hadn’t seen mingi in a while, though he’d messaged you telling you he wasn’t doing too well, and that if you wanted you should continue with the dancing and he’d just join whenever, catch up with you. and you did, though it felt a little odd doing it by yourself, without him. you’d considered joining the public classes, but you weren’t sure if you wanted to surround yourself with so many strangers yet. and you didn’t want to do it without mingi, strangely enough, you noticed when you had joined one of those classes to just try it out. you just did things by yourself, mainly teaching yourself at home (the apartment was spacious, and the easiest moves you managed to do without moving anything at all) and keeping yourself fit.

you did meet yunho sometimes, though he seemed to mainly be taking care of his friend, which was fair enough. you’d started volunteering at the pet shelter to pass the time, and it made you feel nice, accomplished, and the pets were adorable. if you could you’d take all of them home.

you were there again when you felt your phone buzz, and because you didn’t have any fixed tasks or working hours you decided to check the message. it was the man you hadn’t seen in what, two weeks now?, and you found yourself surprised.

[mingi]: hey, do you want to meet again? i wasn’t doing too well, sorry about kind of ignoring you

[mingi]: but i’m better now, so if you’d still like?

a little dog demanded your attention, so replying was neglected for a few minutes, and when you replied mingi sent another message, too.

[mingi]: you obviously don’t have to though

[y/n]: sure! when?

a somewhat odd pair of messages, but he quickly answered yours, telling you whenever you were free.

[y/n]: i started volunteering at the pet shelter, you could join whenever? i’m there rn too

[mingi]: mind if i join now?

[y/n]: be my guest

you were somewhat surprised that he wanted to join you so fast, but then again, why not? if he was feeling better now there was no reason to wait until some fake-polite amount of days between the suggestion and the actual meet-up had passed, especially since you hadn’t seen each other in a few weeks. plus, you quite literally lived at his place, so you at least felt like this whole pretend-shame wasn’t needed here when you weren’t even going on dates or whatever. you were just hanging out.

when he arrived it was obvious that he really hadn’t been doing well lately. he’d been somewhat lanky when you first met him, but now he looked like a twig. his eyes looked somewhat glossy, as if he’d spent a lot of time crying recently (he had) and the expression had become the default. he looked like shit, in all honesty, very much the opposite of you, who’d had some kind of glow up. you’d managed to score some kind of minijob as a dog walker and had touched up on your face a little more, now also having an eyebrow and a lip piercing. you felt great, you felt like a person, and you were smiling brightly when mingi came in.

“hey!”, you greeted him enthusiastically while one of your hands was buried in a cat’s fur - you’d just brushed her, and now you were checking if you’d missed any knots. it was a somewhat funny sight - all black attire (though covered in light fur from the pets that had won your heart), looking somewhat scary, if you wanted to call it that, but beaming at a little cat with soft eyes.

“hey”, he replied, with less enthusiasm, but you didn’t mind. “seems like you found someone to keep you company.”

“they’re so cute”, you informed him, and the brunette was glad he’d recommended this place. it seemed like the perfect fit for you, just from what he was able to see in that moment. it was sweet, the way your eyes were shining so brightly; at least one of you had been able to get somewhat back on track.

“what’s your job?”

“whatever they need help with, right now i brushed this little princess. excuse the mess on my clothes.” so the fur hadn’t gone unnoticed by you either. “how have you been? besides like, really bad.”

when you asked him how he’d been was the first time you really looked at him, and he really looked at you. he was surprised to find you’d changed, quite drastically. your hair was still the same bright blue he’d gotten to know you with - though you’d probably redyed it by now -, but your face was adorned by some metal that he was at least 90% certain had not yet been there the last time he’d seen you. or he just really hadn’t paid attention to you.

“besides really bad? fucking awful, i guess. but it’s fine now.” (it wasn’t, but he wasn’t about to talk about that.) “how about you?”

you kind of wanted to ask about what had happened, but you felt it wasn’t your place. if it had been you then he wouldn’t have asked to meet you again, and that was all the information you had a right to.

“i’ve been… good, i think? been here a lot, danced a little, got a makeover.”

so the metal had really not been there last time yet. it suited you, though, he had to admit, or maybe it was how you didn’t seem to want to hide your face all the time anymore.

“i followed your advice”, you then informed him, and his eyes widened a little in surprise because he didn’t even really remember the advice he’d given with all that he’d felt and thought about in the meantime.

“at least i didn’t give bad advice.” though he wasn’t smiling you could tell he was attempting to joke, so you grinned at him, half because you appreciated the joke and half for his sake. your attention was quickly stolen by the little cat in your lap, though, that didn’t seem to like being ignored in favour of you talking to him, so you cooed at her, telling her that she was your favourite and that you just had to say hello because you hadn’t seen him in a while. it was almost as if you were talking to a little child, comforting the cat until she was purring in your lap.

then, someone called out for you, noticing mingi first after they’d come around the corner you two were hidden behind. or, he wasn’t exactly hidden with his 183cm, but the wall still managed to keep him out of sight.

“hello, can i help you?”

he froze, as if his mouth had forgotten how to talk. logically, he knew there would be people there. but emotionally? it seemed like he hadn’t been ready for the mortifying ordeal of being perceived yet.

“he’s a friend”, you replied for him, “the one who gave me the idea of volunteering here.”

the lady nodded, smiling at him because she most likely owed him for getting her one of the most eager volunteers she’d ever had. then, her attention was back on you.

“it’s time to feed the bunnies, if you wouldn’t mind?”

of course you didn’t, placing the cat on your lap back where she was spending her days. your pitiful expression didn’t go unnoticed by the tall brunette, and he thought it was sweet how you felt sorry for the animals. you seemed to have a big heart.

and even bigger eyes when you turned to look at him, asking if he wanted to help you feed them. he would have done so either way - that’s what he was at the shelter for -, but the look you gave him, the pleading eyes, got rid of even the slightest doubt there possibly might have been otherwise.

he didn’t regret joining you either, because the animals were adorable and you looked genuinely happy to be around them, and he found himself relaxing a little. it was a good atmosphere - hectic, of course with all the animals, but the people didn’t seem stressed like customer service workers usually were. maybe because there were no animal equivalents of a karen wanting to speak to the manager, something he sadly still did have to deal with.

it seemed like mingi enjoyed both your presence and the shelter, genuinely so, because he spent quite some time with you, deciding to join you if the only time he was free was when you’d be at the shelter, but also continuing the dance lessons you’d started before his two week self isolation period. you sometimes hung out with yunho as well, both by yourself and with the brunette - it had become much less awkward now that you’d got to know both of them individually -, and it was during one of your yunho hangout sessions that you realised that you were an idiot, a fool that had fallen hopelessly in love with someone that would never reciprocate.

“i don’t know how you do it, but whatever you did to bring mingi back among the living, keep doing that.”

“how do you mean?” you hadn’t even done anything, not that you knew, at least. you were just spending time with him, acting as you probably would with any other friend. but maybe that was it - you treated mingi like a friend. you genuinely saw him as one, too.

“for some time i suspected he just forgot how to smile, physically. i almost got a heart attack when i saw him smiling at you”, the blond laughed out before becoming a little more serious again.

“i don’t know what’s up, but he’s eating again. he seems healthier. and i’m really happy about that because he pretty much looked like a skeleton for months now.”

you remembered that, remembered his sunken cheeks and dead eyes, the way he barely even seemed to want to move or talk. and while you hadn’t noticed it changing, now that you thought about it you did realise that yunho was right. he seemed healthier, and he did smile sometimes. it wasn’t a very big or bright one, but it counted.

“i’m just glad he seems to be feeling better.” you genuinely were. you’d come to care about mingi, though you first realised how much when yunho had hinted at you being the reason for the brunette’s… not recovery, but improvement. thinking that you maybe meant something to him as well made you happier than it should, considering how he still seemed to be in love with her, considering how it hadn’t been too long since her death, considering how he was still mourning. you shouldn’t feel anything other than purely platonic things for him, but you did. though you weren’t about to act on them - you knew you shouldn’t, you knew he wouldn’t reciprocate, and you weren’t about to risk ruining the friendship you had managed to build up. one of the only two friendships you’d managed to build up.

“he is. he won’t admit it, but i think it’s good for him to be getting out some. to have someone energetic around, even when he isn’t feeling energetic himself.”

you nodded; there wasn’t much to say to that, but you could imagine how the blond was right. you’d noticed something similar happening in yourself when you first started at the shelter, being forcibly dragged out of your slump, and eventually you enjoyed being out in the world again. you just hoped the effect on mingi would last, because he deserved to feel well, or better, at least.

it seemed like it was lasting when the tall brunette still spent a lot of time with you, trying to get to know you, the you that you’d built for yourself, the you that looked so tough on the outside but that he’d found to be a total softie around the small animals you took care of like your life depended on it. he even started laughing, daily, and while you were glad about that you also noticed yourself fall deeper and deeper for him, something you were significantly less glad about. you knew it was hopeless, it was only going to hurt you in the long run, especially because you hadn’t yet been informed that fate had someone new in mind for mingi, so to you it was very obvious that you’d be pining for him, one-sided, and that he’d never reciprocate. but he was your friend, so you spent time with him still. you wanted to. and in a way, knowing that he wouldn’t reciprocate helped you not get your hopes up too much, helped you be able to ignore your silly crush more easily. you just hung out, as friends did, and you enjoyed the time you spent with him. he had interesting things to tell, genuinely so, and he also seemed genuinely interested in your life. in the things you did in your free time when you weren’t hanging out, in the plans you had for yourself, all those little details that you hadn’t felt like anyone cared about before now. maybe that was what you liked so much about him - that he treated you like a full person, not like someone that was a poor copy of what they’d been before. he didn’t seem to care about what had been, he cared about what was now. and you knew your standards were impossibly low, falling for someone that treated you like a person and was also quite handsome, if you dared to admit it, but you couldn’t help it.

you never made a move, though. you were a decent person, and you also weren’t exactly into getting your heart broken. you were his friend, nothing more, and as his friend you also visited him at yunho’s place sometimes, though he still refused to visit his own apartment. it was understandable. and there was no risk of things turning into a dusty hell that could be mistaken for an archaeological site, because while you didn’t move things you made sure the apartment didn’t drown in new trash, or dirt, so he didn’t need to take care of that.

the time at the blond’s apartment was mainly spent talking, preparing frozen food, being somewhat domestic. just hanging out, watching movies sometimes, with you pretending you hadn’t fallen for the tall brunette. and failing, being obvious to yunho, though he never mentioned it. he just watched as you looked at mingi with those hopeful, soft eyes, as you were happy to get to spend time with him, watched you nervously play with your hands that first time his friend pulled you close while watching a movie. watched you be in love, and watched you set yourself up to have your heart broken. and though he knew that his friend wouldn’t reciprocate, he couldn’t help but hope that maybe he might, because you’d dragged his friend out of the depression he’d found himself in for months, you were someone that could understand, you were someone that cared for him even when you’d first gotten to know him after he’d been broken, you were someone that wanted to be with mingi even when he was still somewhat of a shadow of himself. you cared for him even when he wasn’t happy, you accepted the hurt that had made itself a home inside of mingi’s chest. and yunho hoped that maybe his friend might reciprocate because the blond cared for you, like a brother, he had found that you’d made yourself a home in his heart with your kind and understanding behaviour, with your compassion, with your considerate actions. with your big and soft heart. if mingi would ever find himself giving his heart away again, yunho would want it to be you. but he knew the brunette wasn’t ready yet, was still hurting so incredibly much, so he never brought it up. neither to you nor his friend, because things would be weird either way. because neither you nor his friends would know how to act if your feelings were, in a way, exposed, if you had to face the fact that you were in love with mingi, that you hoped to be more than just his friend. yunho just watched, and felt his heart hurt more with every hopeful look that mingi seemed entirely oblivious to. because, just like you, he knew you had given your heart to someone that would not be able to give his to you.

your movie nights had become a somewhat frequent happening; he’d often invite you over for a movie after dancing, or after spending time at the shelter. you were meeting up almost every afternoon now, after his work, and he spent his days off with you, as well. and while you tried so very hard to not get your hopes up it was so difficult not to when he was so kind and sweet and so beautiful and understanding, when he liked you for you and not for who you were supposed to be, when he supported whatever you did in order to feel more like a person. when he treated you like a full person, too, not just a half, not just part of one. when to him it seemed okay that you first knew yourself a few months ago, that there was nothing more to you. and when you still felt that weird feeling of familiarity around him, even though it now was overtaken by one of actual familiarity the more you got to know him.

you were watching another movie with him, a movie neither of you had seen before, and while that was nothing new because you often watched movies with him what was new was that today, you were in his bed, because it was late and he didn’t want to bother yunho and, though he wouldn’t tell you, he was lonely. he wanted someone there. he wanted you there. so he’d asked you if you wanted to stay the night, because it was dark out and he wouldn’t feel good having you walk home alone in the dark.

you knew not to expect anything from this, you didn’t expect anything from this, just a movie. as you always did. it meant nothing to him, as it never did. but he took you by surprise.

you hadn’t expected the night to end like this even when he’d asked you to stay, hadn’t expected to be laying in bed with his arm around you as you were watching some movie together. neither of you had known about the fact that there was a scene that was bordering on suggestive, and you were slightly uncomfortable because it gave you thoughts you knew you shouldn’t be having about the man next to you, until mingi’s thumb was brushing your waist. just when he’d moved so that his hand was under your shirt, resting on the naked skin of your waist, rather than on top of the fabric you didn’t know, and you were inclined to ignore it, but then he squeezed lightly, and when you looked up at him you found him already looking at you rather than the movie.

“you look really nice”, he said quietly, leaving you so unsure of what to do. you liked him, you did, you’d grown to like him over the weeks you’d spent getting to know each other and having a hobby that was only fun when he was around, but you also knew that he wasn’t exactly over his love. it would be stupid to try anything, it would, but he looked so beautiful like this, and it was already late so your brain wasn’t working at its best, and you blamed that for you leaning forward, just a bit, and pressing a small kiss to his neck, where it went over into his shoulder.

you wanted to apologise immediately after, but his other hand moved to your hair, fiddling with it and gently keeping you in place as if to tell you that it was okay, that he didn’t mind, quite the opposite. and you were stupid, fucking moronic, because you got your hopes up, even when his hand urged you to kiss his neck a little harder, even when he grabbed your hips to move you on top of him. even when he didn’t kiss you even once.

“mingi”, you stopped when you felt his hands wander. “are you sure you really want to keep going?”

you should have asked earlier. you should have saved yourself the pain and the embarrassment of being very obviously into it, into him, as proven by the few hickeys you’d left. you shouldn’t even have kissed him in the first place. you knew as soon as he opened his mouth.

“i’m sure. please make me forget.”

your body dropped to his side as if you’d been shot, as if all energy had left you. you were a fucking fool to think this would be anything more for him than just a way to get over his pain, even if just for a night. you were the dumbest person you knew. and yet you stayed in bed with him, let him hold you tight, because even though it didn’t mean anything to him you could at least pretend that he was cuddling you for you and not because his heart hurt and you just so happened to be there. you forced your tears down, something you had way too much practice in but something you hadn’t needed to do since you started spending time with the man next to you, and pretended for just a night that someone cared about you the way you so desperately wanted to be cared about.

the next morning, however, you didn’t leave him the chance to wake up next to you.

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halethestilinskis · 3 years

Text

Life is not great rn

Just another text note about how my life has imploded over the past 2 weeks. Read if you would like!

Not sure if I put it in past notes, but I work at an optometrist office, with an optical shoppe attached to it, and we actually make cut and make the glasses in house at the Foxboro location, where I primarily am. I used to be a tech, where I would get all your readings before you went in to see the doctor, until we hired some more people and I ended up getting "promoted" to front desk, where I was for about 6 weeks. The new techs, that everyone loves and does a great job, I trained by the way. I got a raise about 3 months ago, I was told by every doctor that I was improving, and look more comfortable and confident in the office. Which I did. Then it all blew up in my face.

The girl training me was named Kelly, and she should never train anyone ever. The way she answers my questions, makes it sound like the dumbest question in the world, made me feel like an absolute fucking idiot every time I was at work. She would point out every LITTLE mistake I would make. For instance, they had a portion or their chart that asked if they had any other eye problems, like amblyopia (lazy eye) or if they had LASIK or something like that, and in a lot of the patients charts, it had "other" in there, when it should be "negative" because there's nothing in there. I get it, and most of the time I fixed it, but if I didn't she would point it out and get real pissy about it. Then I would go through the chart to make sure it was done before the doctor took it, and she made the same fucking mistake, but I couldn't say anything about it. ALSO, they would put their hobbies in there, and even if the hobbies were the same, but the wording was different, she would yell at me to change it, which I thought was a waste of time.. Ya know… because it is, and again, she would make the same mistakes. She was the one reporting to my boss how I was doing, and no one else was, so every little thing I did, she would make it out to be the end of the world. For instance, I overcharged someone for their contact lens evaluation, the father, who always buys contacts through us, was a doctor and Kelly flipped out, telling me I was going to call him and tell him I messed up and see if wanted a refund, which in return cost our office money. When I could've put it as a credit, and when he came to buy contacts through us, we would take it off that order. She goes, "they're doctors" and I was like okay?? Tell me which doctor knows anything about insurance. Guess what, he wanted a refund, and it cost our office money (:

Anyway, anytime I went to work I was stressed out, walking into that building made my blood pressure rise, and any time she wasn't there, it was a great day. So on Wednesday, July 27th, I was told by the doctor that she was moving me to the Milford office, which I hate, but it's away from Kelly so I was all for it, and ready to show that I didn't need her to do my job well. Dr. M, told me she wanted to move me up there so I can take some pressure from the new girl and she can train a little bit more, and she was moving Sam down to Foxboro, because the new girl in Milford sucks and so does her attitude. I noticed I was opening, and told her I didn't have a key to the office, she happily gave me one and I was ready for the week to end.

The next day, I was up front by myself training a new girl that is usually in pretest, but she needs to learn how to work the front as well. Everything was fine, it got a little weird and busy in the middle, but I worked through it, and everything was fine. Around 3, the contacts I had in were REALLY dry and basically about to come out of my eye just by blinking. I decided to take them out and get the glasses I kept in my car for this exact reason. These were my shitty glasses I got from Zenni when I didn't work there, so I didn't ruin my expensive lenses I got from them, again not while working there. They don't have a visible logo, and a patient never asked me about them. The only person to ask me about them, were the guys in the lab that cut the lenses for glasses, because they obviously weren't my normal pair. I told them they were shitty glasses from Zenni, and no patients were in the back while I said that. I wore them at the front for about 2 hours, again, only glasses I had on me, and Dr. D, never said anything to me about them, nor was I planning on wearing them there ever again. Friday, I had the day off, and rested and recharged for my Saturday shift on the 31st. I was excited for one, because Kelly wasn't on with me, the next day was Eric and I's 5th wedding anniversary and we had plans to stay in Boston and have a really expensive and delicious dinner, so I was ready to get the day over with and celebrate with my man. At the end of the day, I was looking through money, and remember that guy I overcharged earlier, well, the optician overcharged him again for his sons evaluation, and guess what, no one yelled at her. Anyway, she fucked up money and me and someone else were trying to figure it out, when Dr. D called me back. Now I messed up in the middle of the day, just a very small mess up and I was prepared for hi, to basically tell me to get my shit together and do better, and I would, especially if I wasn't going to be in this office anymore. Do you know how difficult and stressful it is to do your job effectively, with no mistakes, while someone is literally breathing down your neck? Anyway, he told me that they hired a lot of new people and because of that, my position became really competitive, and even though I was improving and I always take what the doctors say to heart and fix my problems, I was just not where they needed me to be, and that day was my last day.

I was COMPLETELY blindsided, like you literally gave me a key and said I was doing great 4 DAYS AGO, what changed from then to now. So, I was like, "okay" backed my shit, called Eric, crying, telling him what happened, asked the optician to move her car so I could leave and cried literally all day, not understanding why this happened.

So now I'm on unemployment, looking for another job trying to find one that makes good money or at least somewhere in the range of what I was making and trust me, it's extremely difficult.

Eric and I decided maybe we shouldn't stay in Boston because now were not going to make the 1K we planned on spending, back like we thought. My mom was nice enough to get us a hotel, and my family was having a party on that day, so we decided to stop by there and say hi, have some food, and then head to Boston and get some dinner. It was delicious and less than half of what we would have spent, although we plan on going there when I get another job. We went back to the hotel and I took a shower and as I was getting out I heard him on the phone with someone and it ended with "sir". I got out and asked him what was going on, and he said he just got a forced shift for in the morning 8-4. He's a cop, and he can't say no to those. We decided to pack it up and go home so he could get some sleep, I wasn't leaving Boston at 6 AM, but it really screwed our plans. I went to my moms the next day and gave her half the money back, because we couldn't use the room. He went to work, then it was my moms birthday. So I got her flowers and a cake and went over to give it to her. I had plans to go to Brockton to get Eric and I dinner at Sarku, since that was our original plan on the way back from Boston, and we had a nice dinner. I was sent a snapchat from my brothers girlfriend and they were singing happy birthday to my mom with a cake that no one ever told me about. So I got dressed and went to my moms, she lives, literally right around the corner.

On Tuesday, I had a normal day, definitely still dwelling about getting fired, but getting over it, regardless of the reason. Sam texts me during the day, and Dr. D, the one who fired me, is telling another employee that I was fired because I was promoting Zenni, which made me LIVID. I never once promoted them, and I actually always bash them because their glasses SUCK and the only reason I had them is because I wanted a blue light filter for gaming and I didn't want them on my everyday, or pay $300 of them at my office. We tell every patient they suck, and they should get nice glasses for everyday, especially people with a high RX, high cyl, or progressives. So now I'm thinking he got that impression from me wearing my Zenni glasses for 2 hours in the office, again with no visible logo, and I'm still livid, because if he did, he should've said something to me about it, instead of firing me. Now I'm mad and want to get to the bottom of this. I email Dr. M, to hear her side and she stuck with what was originally said, and said at the end that I was laid off, not fired, and I could collect unemployment. I made a Tiktok making fun of what she said with the Stewie voice over of "Oh hold on Louis just texted you, do you want meatballs or burgers for dinner… I'll text back for you, same thing bitch, just different shapes" with the caption of "When your boss says you weren't fired, you were laid off". Which by the way, I do know the difference, but either way, I no longer had a job. AND GUESS WHO FOUND IT, you guess it, my fucking former boss, and she emailed me about, super. She didn't take offense, she just explained the difference to me, but either way, still embarrassing. My dad also texted me about it, which I did not answer, because he didn't hasn’t apologized to me.

I filed for unemployment, and it has yet to be approved 2 weeks later. I told Eric not to worry about household chores because I don't have a job and I can handle it while he works. My mom has been BEGGING me to come down to the Cape with my family, I said won't because, A.) there's no where for me to sleep. B.) I don't have a job, therefore can't spent a ton of money, C.) my mom likes to push every button of mine when she's drunk and then wonder why I'm being a bitch, and D.) there's nothing up there that I haven't done already. My whole family went though, and now that my brother is up there, my house is like straight up haunted. I woke up to the sound of something hitting my bed twice at 4:23 AM, and it definitely was not in my dream, it didn't match up to my dream. Then yesterday, I was sitting in the living room and I heard the fire alarm in the basement go off, and as soon as I opened the basement door, it just stopped. Nothing was wrong down there in the first place, and I constantly hear creaks upstairs like someone is walking when they only have their 5 pound cat up there. It's been 2 weeks since I applied for unemployment and I still haven't gotten paid, so I called yesterday and they said that my employer had to finish paperwork, so I emailed her and let her know. She said there's nothing on her end to do, so I called again today. They said that there is an overdue form and she needs to call this number. Told her, and she called and they said there's nothing for her to fill out and my name isn't even popping up under her employer unemployment, so something went wrong down the line, that we're both not sure of.

And the cherry on top…. Eric made an arrest yesterday, and everything was fine and dandy until his LT called this morning, and he had to go into the station. He was told it was a "bad arrest", and I want to clarify, that he arrested a dude for assault and battery that violated a restraining order, BUT, it wasn't in our city, where he works to it was a bad arrest, ONLY because of that. So, now he had to write a letter to the chief and to the union lawyer, along with the other officer at the scene and the LT that approved his report, and we're a little unsure of what's going to happen next and we've both been stressed all day about it. He's doing better now and hanging out, but I can't destress ever.

So these last two weeks have been absolutely horrible and I want to just have ONE GOOD DAY in my time off from not having a job!!

#fml #bad weeks #laid off #fired #investigation #police

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tellywoodtrash · 3 years

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immj2 16.11.20 lb

chanchal interrogating ishani, ki did riddhima spill about what happened that day. ishani like no dice, but imma beat it outta her so help me goddddd.

aryan coming throwing shit around. coz vansh has left everything in his will to dadi. thank fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkk. none of you snakes are worth 5000 cr. i mean, ishani is, but idk, maybe not that whole amount at once.

ishani is like THANK THE LORD, VANSH HAD AT LEAST ONE WORKING BRAIN CELL. “kahin uss riddhima ko nominee banaa dete, toh humaare sar par chadhke tandav karti woh.” snort.

chanchal telling aryan ki “vansh ke baad saara business toh tuney hi sambhaalna haina”, and lmaoooooooooooooooooooooooo ishani’s face:

i honestly love her the most. MAKE HER THE NEW KING OF THIS EMPIREEEEEEEEEEE. SHE DESERVESSSSSSS IT.

ishani saunters off and chanchal is telling aryan ki anyway dadi ke haath laga hai sab, she’ll write it all to you; coz siya is in a coma, who knows when the fuck she’ll wake up, and ishani is walking talking TNT ka khaaaaan, that’ll blow up any second now. tujhe hi sab milna hai. lol bohut hi zyaada khushfehmi. can’t waitttttt for vihaan (whether he turns out to be vansh or not.......) to come show them thenga.

some parcel came outta nowhere for mummyji and it’s filled with all the stuff of her “long lost son who got kidnapped”. veryyyyyyyy conveniently opened by riddhima.

mummy has started filmfare nom-worthy performance on discovering the relics.

there’s a letter too! basically says i kidnapped your kid for money, but when you didn’t pay up, i threw him in a river. i’m confessing all this coz i’m now dying of cancer and want redemption. sounds to me like someone watched both ‘the prince of egypt’ and ‘badlapur’ in one day and did a mashup of those stories to write this letter.

watch out meryl, viola, jodie.......... mummy has gone beyond filmfare and is now doing OSCAR worthy performance about how she keeps losing kids.

lmao i am aryan, watching this nautanki:

mummy like it’s all coz i neverrrrrrrrrrrr accepted riddhima as a motherrrrrrrrrrr, mujhe maaaf kar dooooo.

of course riddhima’s dumb ass forgave her. god, this chick just tooo easy to scam.

someone’s come to say “final goodbye”. coz he’s taken a transfer. sure.

lmao riddhima is the biggest mood when dealing with an ex who just won’t leave you the fuck alone.

is it just me or has his hair become more........... vansh-y??? like, height-wise.

blah blah he wants to apologize to everyone........... for what exactly? he said he was just doing his job, why to say sorry for that??

lmao ishani has appeared and is ready to kick kabir’s ass. omfg i think this might be my new fav dynamic of this show, ishani v/s kabirrrrrrrrrrr.

RIDDHIMA DOING NOTHING TO STOP HER ALSO, LMAOOOOOO

whole family has appeared and he’s like sorry kehne aaya tha and all and THENNNNNNNNNNN....... NAZAR PADI ON THE TABLE FULL OF ARTIFACTS.

anupriya like don’t touch my son’s shit and........

“yeh sab mere hain!!!!!!!!!”

hahahahahahahhahahahaha ishani is truly my absolute favourite character of this show from now on.

“maaaaaaaaaaaa?????? iska matlab aap meri maa hain??????” lol bohut hi bhadddda actingggg.

riddhima agrees with ishani.

kabir narrates exact story mummy did like 5 min back.

he’s giving proof ki i know the collar of this uniform has a K behind it and everyone’s shockedddddddddd ki oh god yet another middle class orphan is gonna make their way here

wow the terrible acting from mummy and beta is just.......... peak today. i can’t take it.

my question is, kabir has come to this house and seen anupriya a million times before, it never clicked for him then????? anupriya looks to be baaaarely in her 40s, she wouldn’t have looked much different when she was younger. why didn’t he recognize her then. SOMEONE USE YOUR BRAIN AND ASK HIM THAT. ISHANI, ARYAN, SOMEONE?!!!?!?!

ok ishani didn’t ask that but she’s like that kid was thrown into a river, i’m pretty sure he’s dead. and kabir doing extra naatak ki yes, i was thrown into the river but a policewaala saved me and raised me and that’s why i’m police now.

ugh itnaaa sasta acting lol.

high time this pinky and the brain team up and take the rest of these fuckers downnnnnnnn.

lmao riddhima is soooooooooooooo angry rn. she didn’t even get this mad when her fucking husband paralysed her. that’s just how much petty hatred male exes deserve. the fact that that their bitch ass is even alive and wasting oxygen on the damn planet is fucking unacceptable.

OMFG MUMMY BETA ARE LEGIT WHISPERING INTO EACH OTHER’S EARS WHILE HUGGING, GIVING SHABAASHI ABOUT THIS BRILLIANT PLAN. IN FRONT OF EVERYONE. SERIOUSLY, YOU COULDN’T WAIT TILL YOU WERE ALONE???????????????????/

“kamaaaaal ki acting, KAMAAAAL KI ACTING!” lmaoooooooooooo honestly, this show would be fucking unwatchable if not for vishal cheesing it up in every other scene and making it so damn hilarious. kabir played by anyone else would never be this likable. his dialogue delivery of these lines is just A+

lmao he’s hamming some more about how he’s been searching for his mom allllll his life and today he’s leaving the city and finally found her.

LITERALLY EVERYONE ELSE AROUND THEM HAS A FACE LIKE SOMETHING WITH 8+ LEGS CRAWLED ACROSS THEIR DINNER PLATE. IT’S SO HILARIOUSSSSSSSS.

he’s like mom, come with me, and she’s like “tum yehi ruk jao!” and omfggggggg the reactionsssssssssssss:

“ab yeh bhi yaheen rahega?????” alkjdsalkjdlaskjdlaskj chanchal’s no filter ways really come in handy sometimes.

kabir’s like no no mom will come with me. starts leading her out and dadi is like no anupriya is a part of this family and will not leave. and if you can live here in this house................... riddhima will decide that. lmao this should work out well.

kabir trying to jedi mind trick her.

even ishani is pleading in her mind, please riddhima no kehnaaaaa. aaaaaand....

“haan.” great.

big mood.

lmao booooooo, the amount of shit you get away with just coz you’re so stinkin’ cute. you’re exactly like my asshole cat son. just worming your way into my heart by the power of your adorable faces, you absolute bastardssssssss.

oh of course. she had this conversation with vansh, about if mummy ever found her son, he’d like to welcome him into this family as his brother. sentiment mein aakar haan keh diya. BITCH HE DIDN’T KNOW THAT IT WAS GONNA TURN OUT TO BE YOUR EX WHO WAS HAATH DHOKE BEHIND HIS GODDAMN LIFE. IF HE DID, HE WOULDN’T HAVE THOUGHT TWICE BEFORE PULLING THAT UGLYASS GOLDEN GUN ON HIM AND SHOOTING HIM BETWEEN THE EYES.

this is a sweet scene and all but dude how the fuck am i supposed to overlook the fucking ugly beetlejuice suit. if i never have to see this godforsaken garment ever again, it’d still be too soon.

also jesus, were you a goddamn kid just 10 years ago, COZ HOW ELSE THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE A MINION WATERBOTTLE FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD?!!?!?!?!! OH GOD YOU GUYS, IS VANSH JUST 19 YEARS OLD OR SOME SHIT, AND THE BEARD AND THE VOICE THREW US OFF INTO THINKING HE’S 30?!?!?!?!?!!?! OH MY GOD, I FEEL LIKE A PEDO NOW. 28 IS MY LIMIT ON HOW YOUNG I’LL GO FOR WHEN I LUST AFTER SOMEONE.

anyway i’m fwding this scene so that my mind won’t dwell on these horrible possibilities. and that horrible fucking outfit.

lmao riddhima is like kaash tum yahaan hote, tum bhi yehi karte. snort, okaaaay sis.

“tumhari riddhima hoon main. aur hamesha wohi karoongi, jo agar tum hote toh karte.” ok everybody start monitoring your drinks from now on. pata nahi kab kya mila de yeh madam vansh 2.0.

ishani is, how you say................ LOSING IT.

ahahahahahahahahahaha aryan, who's going to town on the punching bag, is like i already picture him here, hence the vigorous mid-day cardio.

“mera toh mann kar raha hai ki main 2-4 jamaa ke aaoon. kabir ko nahi, uss riddhima ko!!!!!!!!” The Biggest Mood, Ever.

“pehle woh bhai ki tarah sochna toh seekh le?!?!?!?” bhai ki tarah chodo, pehle BAS SOCHNA HI SEEKH LE, WOHI BOHUT HAI.

ishani like i’m sureeeeeeeee kabir found out the story about mom’s missing son and now that vansh isn’t here, wormed his way into the house. PRESENTING TO YOU, THE ONLY ONE WITH A BRAIN IN THIS HOUSEEEEEEEEEEE. THE FACT THAT VANSH SLEPT ON HER AS A FUCKING PILLAR TO THIS HOUSE IS FUCKING RUDE.

“yeh sab kuch hua hai uss stuuuuupid riddhima ki wajah se!” that’s what they should call the show.

ew kabir is in riddhima’s room and getting all touchy and LIKE BACK THE FUCK OFF MAN. SERIOUSLY, YOU GOT WHAT YOU WANTED, NOW GO HANG OUT WITH YOUR MOM ALL DAY LONG, INSTEAD OF ACTING SKEEZY.

yeah riddhima pretty much told him that. threw in some more shit about how she’ll hate him till she dies, coz he’s the reason vansh died.

he doesn’t look happy about that. this fucker still wants herrrrrrr. ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. kabir yaaaaaaaaaaaaar, you can do so much bettterrrrrrrrrrr. get yourself an hot evil shawty with 4+ brain cells dude!

she’s dragging him out. nice.

kabir still talking and she’s like do i literally have to kick your ass out?????? damn girl, there’s the spine i like to see.

askljdaslkjslkdjlaskdjlaskdj he’s like main bhi vansh jaisa hoon, iss ghar ka beta hoon. lmao good you said this in front of riddhima and not ishani, warna ***** phaad ke tumhare haath mein de deti.

riddhima also handing it to him, but verbally. but it’s lameass shit like no you’ll never be like vansh, not in 7 janam. like, ok i get she’s really mad at him for what happened, but i don’t get what’s this sudden hatred of his personality?????? she doesn’t know the whole truth and abhi se itni nafrat??? based on what?????

lmao he muttered “woh toh waqt hi batayega” as he was leaving and she’s like BITCH WHAT YOU SAY?!?!?!?!?!?!

hee hee hee hee. i loveeeeeee when he makes his exasperated faces.

some more sweet talk about how she’ll see his intentions aren’t bad at all, and she’s like justttttttttt gtfo my room man.

"kahin kabir ko yahaan rehne ki permission dekar kuch galat toh nahi kar diya???” LMAO YA THINK?????????????????????/

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaye. finally. aankhein taras gayi thi.

bro refusing more shady work coz “abhi mere paas chote-mote kaamon ke liye time nahi hai. kuch bada plan kar raha hoon.”

mmmmmmmmmmmm baby what that mouth do??????

“vansh ki body ka toh main antim-sanskaar main kar chuka hoon.” ohohohohohohohoho symbolism samajhhh rahe ho aap loggggg???? new identity, who disssssssss waala scene hai.

“riddhima vansh rai singhania, main aa rahaa hoon.”

oh aaja, aha aaja, aha aaajaa, ah ah aaaaja, ah aa aaaja, aha ha aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

#ishq mein marjawan 2 #immj2 #immj2 lbs #episode liveblogs

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awfullyaster · 4 years

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andrew and neil are switches, don’t you forget it

ok hi here for my (probably) daily aftg rant,,,,so i’m seeing that the majority of the fandom (as far as i’ve seen anyway)--or fics/fanart consisting of andreil doing the do--view neil as a power bottom ?

am i incorrect? are my resources false? idk bout u but so far i’ve only seen like one fic where neil is the top/penetrator (!mao is that even a real word idk but it sounds weird haha cute ok anyway)

and honestly, i have to disagree. i do. i’m not trying to push andrew’s boundaries by saying that neil could top, i’m just saying that y’all don’t give neil enough credit.

liek,,,,,bro,,,,,do you not see the amount of top energy neil mf josten radiates ???? like, yes, we know andrew takes the lead but it doesn’t necessarily mean he’d top forever ?????

( just a proposition, ofc but this is just my opinion based on observations--yet again )

( and tbh i had difficulty trying to figure who was the top and who was the bottom between them when i encountered the first hint of intimate growth in their relationship--to the point where i had to ask my best friend who hadn’t a clue what aftg was prior to (that’s when the aftg rants officially started/ignited) and it took some time/proper discussion/consideration but he first came up with the conclusion that andrew was a sub top and that neil was a power bottom )

as for yours truly, i came to the conclusion that they are both switches (some time after i finished reading).

i mean,,,,,,can you really just look at neil josten--wholly, like his entire personality, attitude (problem !), traits, &c and decide on the spot that he’s a bottom ??? how ??? how the hell do you come up with that ?????

and hear me out, i have evidence/reasons:

one) The Great Riko Roast™️. need i say more?

(if elaboration is necessary:

keep in mind that neil (this literal fucking nobody) burned riko (supposedly the king of exy or whatever the fuck, who cares) to ground on the spot (no script, just his attitude problem (mwah i love him) and pure spite)

again, he burned him to the ground on live television, publicly humiliating riko with each and every word

idk bout u but i am so damn sure andrew found out right then n there that this bitch radiates top energy for fucking sure (or, in his words, isn’t spineless)

neil committing arson via verbal attacks is just---splendid. absolutely mesmerizing. flawless. truly inspiring. gamechanging. glorious.

he’s so rude i love him

anyway )

two) neil can shut up andrew up without having to touch or kiss him. he can leave him speechless. with just his words.

(yes, we know anybody & everybody knows better than to touch andrew but like i mean he wouldn’t have to fight him or whatever) (and he doesn’t have to kiss him to shut him up--though he definitely can--he doesn’t have to because that’s just how fucking powerful he is)

y’all,,,,,are you ready for one of the most amazing lines i believe we all know and love,,,,,

““You have a problem wherein you only invest your time and energy into worthless pursuits."

“This,” Neil flicked his finger to indicate the two of them, “isn’t worthless.”

“There is no ‘this’. This is nothing.”

“And I am nothing,” Neil prompted. When Andrew gestured confirmation, Neil said, “And as you’ve always said, you want nothing.”

Andrew stared stone-faced back at him.

[...andrew had his hand frozen mid-air...(i forgot the rest)]”

if this does not prove dominance to you, i don’t know what to tell you. (HE WAS MERELY SPEAKING AND ANDREW COULD NOT COME UP WITH ANYTHING-- A N Y T H I N G --TO SAY BACK BC IT’S A PERSONAL ATTACK AND HE DIDN’T SEE IT COMING AND THAT’S WHY HE SEES NEIL AS INTERESTING/WHY HE ‘HATES’ HIM SO MUCH BRO I)

hOweVeR

i know that dom bottoms exist (i think so, anyway) or bottoms that radiate top energy/the position (i.e. bottom,top) energy you radiate can be entirely different from what position you really are/are comfy with and that these are just words but that brings me to my following point,

three) (#1 insitgator, he, oh yes, neil josten, yes indeed) his unexpected (and to be frank, quite thrilling) acts of asserting dominance ?????? um ????

(when they were kith kithing next to the kitchen (next to kitchen) in neil’s dorm room) “[neil felt his phone buzz in his back pocket and against the wall it was obnoxiously loud. he already knew it was his daily countdown, but he already knew how much little time he had left. he didn’t need to reminded, especially now...andrew took it out of his back pocket and offered it to neil, pulling away from his mouth. neil took the phone from andrew’s hand and threw it across the living room, not taking his eyes off andrew. andrew watched as the phone bounced off the couch and onto the carpet. neil kissed his neck in attempt to distract him and was rewarded by a startled jolt which was enough reason to do it again. and even though andrew pushed his face away, they were close enough for neil to not miss how andrew shivered.]”

b r o ,,,,,,,,,,,, bro,,,,,,it just--

(when they were alone in the bus otw to that one away game--belmonte, i think?) “[“i wonder when coach found out about this,” neil prompted.

“there is no ‘this’.”

“i wonder when coach found out you only want to kill me ninety-three percent of the time.”

neil retraced his steps and had a moment of realization. before andrew left for easthaven, neil had told andrew to trust him and not ‘neil’.

“it was before you left,” neil started...

“coach doesn’t believe what other people want him to believe, he believes what he sees,” andrew replied...

“are you going to tell them?” neil was referring to the rest of the team, and this was up to him, whether they’ll be out or not.

“i won’t have to. renee says the upperclassmen are betting on your sexuality.”

neil knew that matt mentioned that there were bets on about him, but he didn’t know it was about this.

“it’s a waste of time and money. they’ll all lose. i’ve said all year that i don’t swing and i meant it. kissing you doesn’t make me look any of them differently. the only one i’m interested in is you.”

“don’t say stupid things.”

“make me.” and with that, neil grabbed a fistful of andrew’s hair and pulled him in.]”

dude,,,,,,,,,he can take control,,,,,he can,,,,he can lead, too, but he follows andrew’s because he’s a good boy and he knows how important it is. he improvises and uses what he has and takes control from there. dude. dude.

three) honestly? i think andrew likes it. neil’s unexpected acts of confidence,,,kinda leaves him on the edge of his seat yk,, like doesn’t it increase his percentage? it does, right? cuz ik it did when andrew guided neil to touch his chest and neil emulated andrew’s words, “i won’t be like them. i won’t let you let me be.” (i love them bye) but liek,,,,yeah idk andrew liking neil’s neck kisses/fetish kinda tells me he likes it so maybe this isn’t concrete evidence particularly but i’m still including it because andrew’s a switch, idc what anyone says,

four) i lost my train of thought but i ran out of reasons--on the spot, anyway--so i might come back to this if i do but just to make it clear:

andrew minyard is a switch. (it just takes time, like a lot, but it doesn’t mean it’s necessarily impossible/never gonna happen.)

neil josten is a switch. (he respects andrew’s boundaries and doesn’t push him, he’s fine being guided, but it doesn’t mean he can’t take the initiative himself (and i forgot to mention it but re: when he asked andrew if he doesn’t like to be touched in general or if it’s a trust thing + many more times, before & after their first kiss, i believe, my brain is just empty rn) and i just think that deserves more recognition)

so !!

(this post is a mess, (i always am but today’s just worse) i know, and i’m sorry)

in conclusion,

let neil top andrew !! they deserve it !!

(not that vice versa is bad, but this isn’t either, yk, just saying. also, i hope this isn’t too late to say in the post, but i do not, i repeat, i do not, intend to pressure any content creator--fic writers, fan artists, editors, &c--to create content this particular way only,,,,okay,,,gotta make that unequivocally clear. and i’m not saying andrew topping neil is bad or overrated, because i know that when it comes to them, sex in general would take some time, especially neil topping andrew, but i think they deserve that freedom, yk. again,,,,this is just my personal opinion. no insisting statements here, just wish for freedom to speak my mind, that is all. also feel free to interact if you agree/disagree or both !! i’m willing to hear anyone’s comments or thoughts or whatever !! i hope i’m talking to a brick wall here ahah)

bro brain poop rn

anyway

tl/dr: bro let neil top (not necessarily on top, but that works, too--either/or--or both, if y’all dare ;DD (kill me) (but like srsly) (let neil top) (plz) :))

(also somewhat off topic but might anyone have access to some fics in which consist of neil first getting andrew off ??? i randomly remember it from ms. sakavic’s extra content page and i would like to see what the fandom offers, if y’all don’t mind)

im so mean and insistent on my aftg-related opinions now that i think about it

whoops

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lunavadash-creates · 3 years

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Hello Darling! How is my favourite bunny lover doing? How are you feeling? Since I know how depression works, I am really worried about you! You know, if you ever feel the need to talk about whatever you want, please let me know. If this would be something that could possibly help you somehow, I am all ears!

I know it must be really hard for you right now. I don’t know the details, but let me share my thoughts with you. I grew up seeing many things and my experiences with people are really twisted. Some of those things were/still are so pure, so beautiful and so magical that I wish everyone could experience it, even for once. Some of those were/still are something I wish never happened, because no one deserves to experience them. Even the most evil person. But you know, I think that every person that has been in our life is important. It doesn’t matter if that person was there for a short period or not. They’ve brought something in our life. They’ve teached us some lessons, more or less important, but still. It depends on you what you will learn from them.

Since you still care for those who disappointed you means that you are really goodhearted. Kind people tend to perceive others by their own behaviour. If you are sincere and caring towards others you would never think that they could be manipulative and malicious. But if you are unfair and lying you would never think that someone would have selfless intentions, right? But you must remember that your well being is a priority and that you deserve respect. It’s your life. You are living for yourself, not for others. You can’t be anyone’s puppet. Don’t waste your time on people who can’t treat you like they should. And I know it’s easy to say such things as a completely neutral person and it’s much more difficult to actually believe in self-worth and cut off toxic people. And I am proud of you that you actually are aware of such people around and want to kick them out of your life. It's a huge milestone to success! You really deserve what’s best in life! Remember this! Don’t settle for less!

And you know what? You deserve all those men that Ubisoft gave us. I hope they made you hot! CODE PURPLE, READY, STEADY, GO! But please, I am not mentally prepared to be an auntie.

The weather is really bad and I already miss summer. Do you know the meme “it’s not that cold, stop being dramatic”? Because it’s me in a nutshell. I am always cold. When we were in Italy I was literally freezing to death when my friends wore only Tshirts and nothing more (besides pants,ofc.). And one of them, a gentleman like he always is, was taking his hoodie with him every time, knowing that I will surely need it after the sun goes down. So since the temperature outside is too low for me, I already sleep under a quilt and blanket and with two heating pads. Yes, yes. I need more warmth in my life.

Luna.. well. Please keep your fingers crossed for her.

Does my message make any sense? Because I can’t concentrate on anything today.

Sending loads of hugs, Babe!

🔪

HELLO KNIFEY MY AMAZING FRIEND

So I'm still in this state when I feel good/content with stuff. And I got a new succulent so honestly? Right now I'm pretty happy! I hope it will continue.

Thank you for your words. I try to accept the fact that every person you meet is important because it's always a lesson. Sometimes it's a lesson not to trust but sometimes it's a lesson about a little thing that makes you happy. But honestly I'm very unlucky when it comes to meeting people. 2 days ago a 'friend' backstabbed me. And you know what? FUCK HER. I don't care. I had the feeling she is fake but now I have a proof and I don't give a single damn. She can perish. She's out of my life. And you know what? I won't let people like that destroy my good mood. Because I feel fine. I have fun playing the game, I read a book, I write little things, I can talk to my friends like you! And I'm writing an amazing rp. Life is nice.

You know what is also nice? Looking at Altair in revelation kissing Maria because you can feel how much love he has in his heart. And I'm sure he would be the best man ever.

About being aunt don't worry! Tbh I'm not sure if I want to have kids. First of all I don't have anyone to make the with. But I'm not sure if I would even want. It's a big responsibility. So don't worry. You can be auntie for my bunnies.

KNIFEY I FEEL YOU. I hate cold. Luckily I'm not getting cold easily but there are day when it's just so cold. Like rn I in a sweater and my bunny socks again. But it's not that bad, tho Im already using lvl2 blanket (I have a few blankets with different level of floofines. Level 4 is for FREEZING TO DEATH COLD). Also my Loki pillow is on it's autumn/winter duty.

Please stay warm! Hug you baby doggo. Wrap in a blanket. Wear socks!

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for Luna. Please, keep me updated, I'm worried about her.

And don't worry! You make perfect sense!

Also check out my baby succulent.

Stay safe and warm Knifey! Can't wait to talk to you again soon!

Ps. Altair with bunnies. Altair with bunnies. Altair with so many bunnies.

#knifey my beloved #knifey #ask

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inctlife · 4 years

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since you did chenle and renjun as husbands/dads, how would the rest of the dreamies be as husbands/dads? (p.s. i know requests are closed rn, so please don’t answer this if you don’t want to)

aha no it’s fine!! i’ll answer things like this lol, just not take requests for scenarios :)

find chenle & renjun ‘s here

jeno - as a husband he’d just be really reliable ??? like you can always depend on jeno being down for anything and everything like he’s literally willing to die himself for you???? like sometimes you have to be like ‘nah, jeno i’ll do it dw’ bc he’s about to fucking jump infront of a train so you dont have to go to work

and then when you find our ur pregnant he’s just so happy!!!!!!!! i imagine him being the type of person to actually pick you up and spin you round when you say your pregnant cause he’s just that happy lol

as a dad he’s kinda strict ? but only when he needs to be, otherwise he’s down for anything also if the kids are like ‘daddy look at this thing i learnt’ ‘daddy wanna know what i did at school today’ doesnt matter how busy he is he’s just all ears to his kids

to him you and his kids are more important than himself🥺🥺

jaemin - he’s so in love. that’s all you need to know.

so you got pregnant before you two got married so ur all like ugly crying and proper panicking but jaemin’s just so loving and is like ‘what?? you think im gonna leave you ??????????’ he’s like lowkey offended that you’d even think that bc tbh i think jaemin’s the kind of person who if he doesn’t see the relationship ending in marriage and babies, he’ll break it off bc he just doesnt wanna waste ur time and his

so yeah, ur pregnant and jaemin’s just right here by your side. the whole time. he knows the best foods for you to eat, he knows the exercises you need to do, he’s just here knowing more than you about pregnancy and babies lol (he just cant wait to meet his child like omg thats his child !!!!!)

and then after two kids he finally gets the chance to propose and he goes ALL OUT also in korea weddings are lowkey quite small but jaemin is having a foreign wedding. there aint no way this bitch is over in two hours

donghyuck - so another one who gets you pregnant before marriage. yay.

but for real i think that donghyuck might panic a lil when he first finds out your pregnant, but after just spending like a couple hours in his bedroom he comes back and is like crying and he’s just like ‘i love you so much thank you for carrying my baby’

he’s crying a lot through the whole thing tbh and sometimes when you ask for something he’s like ‘no wtf get it yourself’ before he realises his mistake and is up in 0.0000127 seconds being like ‘soRRy what was it hahaha’

and then you two, being like you are, end up having two more kids and ur just like ‘no more! no more! i’m not doing this again!’ and donghyuck’s like ‘that’s fair’ and then he’s like (ur looking after three kids at this point btw) ‘marry me?’ and this bitch just has a ring in his pocket (he’s had it since you got pregnant the first time) and ur like crying like ‘yES’ and ur kids are like ‘wat’ but it was really cute and you realised how in love you are with duckie tbh

and then you have another kid just to spice it up, you know

but fr duckie’s such a sweet dad and he just plays with your kids and when their sad he’ll sit and cuddle them till their better and he’s just great :(

jisung - okay so jisungie is very unexperienced in basically everything bc he spent his younger years being a trainee :(( but ur like his second/third girlfriend and he’s like ‘i am good now’ and when it comes to proposing and getting married he’s just so ready to prove to the hyungs and the whole of sm and all nctzens that he’s grown up now so he does A LOT for you

sometimes you gotta just baby him but that’s just like cuddles and lil smooches but he always loves that its not cause he’s a baby it’s just cause thats nice everyone likes that🥺

but ya he’s a really great husband tbh and he actually is very mature and he cries when he finds out ur pregnant with sunmi because oh my godㅠㅠㅠㅠ he’s getting a childㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ even before chenle and markㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ

lots of crying

as a dad he just loves his kids sm and he just basically spends his whole time being like ‘wow i’m a dad’ like his kid will be like ‘dad!’ and he’ll have to take a moment and be like ‘... that me’ but apart from that he’s really chill and just likes hanging out with his children

#nct dream #dad!nct dream #nct dream fluff #nct dream reactions #nct dream blurbs #nct dream scenarios #lee jeno fluff #dad!lee jeno #na jaemin fluff #dad!na jaemin #lee donghyuck fluff #dad!lee donghyuck #park jisung fluff #dad!park jisung #huang renjun #zhong chenle

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rhydium · 3 years

Note

Info dumbo about the StarFinite story?

aright u asked for it anon GET READY [cracks knuckles] this is gonna be long so obligatory cut in 3, 2........

...1!

so the uh, the au! the story!! w/e yall wanna call it! full disclaimer, i only began working on this whole thing a while ago, but it's totally taken over my fukn brain. like, we're talking big hyperfixation hrs. am i cringe for being this invested in my own content? yes? cool i do not Care >:3€

i should also throw it out there real quick that i am kin w/ infinite, n this is actually one of my two canons (both of which are my own aus lmfao wow). i didn't go into it expecting it to be but sfsfsgdfs here we are ig!! for that reason it's got extra importance to me n this definitely contributes to the euphoria i get from it!! it's a lil odd writing ur own canon,,? but i kinda just go w/ the flow!

the au n, the story that i will start Eventually, revolves around infinite n starline (obvi) n it's honestly just ... the tl;dr is big healing momence n, what's this? uh oh sisters !!! they are falling in love 😳😳😳

uhhhh so infinite is an android, made by eggman. that's like, the most notable canon divergence here! super important context to have. i've got a whole big theory on the possibility of sega originally intending infinite to be an artificial being (which i explored in the works for my Other canon too), stemming from not only the scene in forces wherein infinite comments on sonic's "data", but a line of dialogue from tails in one of the last stages of the game where he Literally Says "so this is where eggman built infinite". that ... i mean. that contrasts w/ episode shadow pretty hard don't it?? would explain why that dlc was so rushed, n the comic too. ANYWAY adsfsfs um that's a seperate ramblepost. yeah!!!

they are also agender n use they/them (primarily) as well as he/him!! so i'll be refering to them w/ those pronouns!

after the war, infinite is taken in by the resistance n, instead of being dismantled, they're basically given a chance to rehabilitate themselves. it's agreed that they won't be reprogrammed, as despite the potential risks, it feels wrong to do so; like a violation of their free will, individuality n thinking. if infinite is to be a good person, it's not gonna be bc other ppl recreated their entire personality, it's gonna be bc it's what they themselves truly want. robot ethics idk man!! u can't tell me that sonic n co wouldn't offer this to infinite if they offered it to metal in IDW,,,, i am Standing By This!!!

it's, yknow, a bit rocky, at first. infinite has to really fight the urge to return to eggman (something they already tried once, before the resistance found them; they were cast out). it's a struggle against what they were built to do, against giving into unhealthy familiarity over facing a, while healthier, unfamiliarity. new faces, a new life, turning their back on their mission n creator, it's like, a lot.

they work for/with the sonic crew, rebuilding the world they tore down as deemed fitting justice, being closely monitored for a bit as a natural precaution. as it becomes apparent infinite truly no longer has any ambition to harm others (they don't have much ambition for anything, really), they're then granted more freedom, n start taking on more important missions!! it at least gives them something to do, keeps them occupied. they have issues with dissociation, unreality, whether they're truly a real person bc, well, android. feeling purposeless, n a lack of worth, especially. a need to prove themselves. heavy stuff. i'll kinda go into that a bit more in a sec. their work grounds them, if only temporarily.

n soooooo... IDW comic stuff happens. metal virus time. starline gets kicked out of the empire.

now, as the comics are ongoing, n as this is already an au, there's gonna be divergence, n i must admit i haven't planned out all that yet. there's a lot i have to consider!! infinite being w the resistance/restoration is a big game changer ... tho i Do believe that they were absent, likely on a far out mission during most of the chaos. eggman doesn't know abt them, nor does starline or anyone else other than the sonic crew; n some civilians that recognise them.

i'm not 100% sure of Exactly when it happens, but i think it's just after bad guys, that infinite is sent to locate n bring in starline. it doesn't prove too difficult. there's a whole, starline realising "oh fuck it's you???", some bickering n, the two don't hit it off right away. they're both kinda like. not mentally stable ddgddgdds,,,

so uh. starline ends up essentially going thru the same sorta shit as infinite. careful watch, rebuilding, all that jazz, making sure he can be trusted. he's like... very very lost, quite like infinite is. the world has kinda calmed down, in the meanwhile.

it's at this point i'm gonna go ahead n drop a bit of a ramble i subjected my friends to a while ago, to articulate the way i see the two, n their dynamic together!! i was considering making this it's own post a while ago!

analysing their characters a bit... let's look at starline. Like. so we have this, in bad guys, which SENT ME tbfh;

i feel like it's the moment that triggers starline onto the path he is rn canonically,,, he's clearly like. rly mad n bitter. the core of this?? he wants his work n his efforts to be acknowledged.

he's big angry. still kind of in denial at this stage. he has himself obsessed w/ the idea of making eggman see him as Worthy, that if he just tries hard enough, that'll happen. he's dependent on eggman's validation, n i mean, it's no surprise; he's followed him a Long Time by the sounds of it.

then in the recent issue, hold the fuck up, bc we got, This;

god. my god it's all comin together now homies. this???? this right here??? it is the CLASSIC "i have to do this to prove i'm strong n powerful n smart n worthy n should be respected please Give Me Acknowledgement" ..... n who else is Like That? can u see where im going w/ this?

i think most ppl are aware of infinite's character being extremely indicative of self worth/esteem issues n the need to prove themself, right?? the extreme adversity, repulsion, perhaps even fear toward the idea of being weak. the compulsion to prove otherwise, to show their strength, to become powerful, to conquer to make a point. their theme exudes this same energy as their behaviour in-game; an aggressive attitude, trying to assert themself, while if u rly listen...? the lyrics are actually really sad in places. it reeks of cover up, although composition wise, a v interesting thing to note is a lot of the more telling lyrics are prominent while some of the affirming ones are in the background. indicative of a desire to have their true feelings be heard but caught in a vicious loop?

okay okay that's yet Another different analysis. AHEM.

not to get deep on main (oh who the hell am i kidding that's the point of this entire thing) but i think starline has issues w/ his worth in a similar way to infinite. they both seem to have this need to Prove something, whether it's to others or themselves, n get caught in a toxic spiral of doing worse n worse things for Some kind of validation or acknowledgement. they'll go to really big lengths chasing that, n both of them ultimately sought validation in the wrong place n wrong way.

this is a big part of my starfinite dynamic,, n so, what happens, as they get closer n open up??? we have them BOTH realising together that they don't have to do fuck all to prove anything to anyone. they don't need to do all this to show they're strong n smart n worth something, not to anyone else OR themselves. they're enough as they are. they bond over that shared feeling that they have to do xyz, to prove themselves, n that desire to just finally be acknowledged n appreciated n help each other thru it. to help each other understand that other ppls approval, or lack thereof, doesn't define them, their strength, intelligence, and worthiness.

i feel like they have an interesting parallel between them in like... the above could be taken as a general analysis, but to go more in depth on this au specifically?? ...

starline followed eggman for presumably a long time n it no doubt left him feeling a heavy and deep regret for all that time wasted n spent on an unhealthy path. infinite kinda teaches him that what matters is what he's doing Now n also reminds him that if none of it happened, starline wouldn't have learnt a lot of the serious skills he has. n while starline still feels bad, he also realises himself that, he likely never would have crossed infinite's path if none of it happened. for that reason, he wouldn't take it back.

infinite has only been recently made, on the other hand. they haven't really existed long, yet, but so far their experiences haven't been very positive n it can be .... discouraging. starline sorta, shows infinite their limited experiences w/ the world are a very tiny fraction of what's out there, n things can absolutely change, yes, including for the better; that's the essence of life, a neverending, constant flow of change.

it's a big tale of moving on n letting go, honestly; made easier as they're doing it together. n as they heal n grow, well... these bitches gay. sfshshdgds like, ig that's putting it p bluntly but!! they start to trust each other, understand each other more. as they get to truly know who the other is, they both start developing The Feelings. they're both pretty oblivious n the reveal is totally unknown so far!! yeah, i know, bummer. i suck. boo. adafsfsds however i can say there will be lots of content in the making!! if that soothes the soul! i've got of ideas i hope to bring to life.

ofc there's still a lot of more specific things i haven't covered here so! if y'all want more juice hmu w/ more focused questions but !! this is the overview n i hope it was a decent read now that gave some uhhh! Cool Insight! yea!!! ✌

#jackal.txt #android infinite au #i need a proper name for this #infinite the jackal #dr starline #starfinite #long post #idw sonic spoilers

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luobingmeis · 4 years

Text

so im just gonna vent/monologue for a hot second and idc who does or does not read this but we’re just gonna be super chill abt it and not read too deeply into the stuff that i say, so!!!

and if i delete this in the morning, ignore all this!!!

i think the best way to start this post off in general is “i had a bunch of stuff i wanted to vent abt but from the shower to here (total of like 5 minutes) i have forgotten most of it”

which is very on brand bc i don’t remember most things nowadays ajkdjkdskj

anyways tho also shout out to my lack of emotional object permeance bc i have been in such a Not Fun State for X days (bc i dont really remember when this started this week akjdsjkdsjk) and i cannot remember what started it nor can i fully process that i have only been in this state for like A Few Days and not like........................ weeks

but i think that is also due to the fact that i do, in fact, bounce back and forth between “hey things are fine idk why i ever thought they were bad :)” and “hey things are bad idk why i ever thought they were fine :)”

it also doesn’t help that. every day. i am analyzing the complicated relationship i have with my parents. specificaly my mom. and it definitely isn’t fun to think abt.

basically every day i think abt that scene from the breakfast club when they all talk abt how they’re fated to become their parents, no matter how hard they try not to be, and it especially fucks me up when i think abt how much me and my mom are alike, in both the good and the bad, and i’m just like “hmm am i just being a shitty daughter (possible) or do i have to figure out how to fix this (don’t know how) or am i just gonna have to break the chain eventually (upsetting!)”

but that is deeply upsetting to think and talk abt so :^)

and i also think a lot abt how i’m 99% sure ********** runs in our family which i guess i’ll have to deal with eventually even tho it doesn’t really. affect me rn. i guess!

let it be known that i do love my parents very much!! i just. have too many thoughts in my head.

also i get nervous throwing terms around bc im scared of being wrong but i genuinely think i have like. adhd and/or depression and/or anxiety and also i think there’s something messy going on with my empathy which is!! also upsetting!!!!

but tbh i have never been more. like. resistant to treatment in my life than i am right now. so i just deal with all of this in my brain.

also i’m kinda just back into my way of “consume the same media over and over and let it just become my whole personality so i can feel like a normal person” except that makes, like, idk “coming back to reality” a bitch bc i have spent the past?? 24/48 hours feeling like i’m on and off floating through space and time

also ik that this will all probably be over in a couple days, idk maybe even tomorrow!!! but for rn i’m just :^)

also me and my best friend were talking today and he said something like “i think everyone has certain things they do that just make them feel bad” and i kinda just nodded along bc i knew that my answer of “well i basically at this point purposely keep a shitty sleep schedule and, even when i wake up at 11am, i basically don’t let myself eat until 4/5pm bc, besides having some things i probably need to unpack, i also find something terribly grounding in feeling shitty” would Not go over well

also there is no way i am mentally and emotionally ready to go back to school in september, like i say this every year and i think at this point i just need to accept that i’ve wasted away my college years feeling shitty and i will never get this back!!!! which is. fun.

also i’m doing so many things this semester that i don’t want to do bc apparently i care abt what other people want more than i do. for some stupid reason.

also ngl i’ve come to the realization that sometimes my brain is just not a great place to be akjdkjdskj

also i have to do my thesis this semester and i already feel behind and next semester i’m barely gonna get to see my professors/friends except for like one or two days a week so while a part of me literally does not want to step foot on my campus/in a class room bc i am So Not Ready, i also feel like i’m basically gonna have no support that will be tangible to me

anyways tho i’ve fully brought taz/dnd back into my life so that is always an upside!! and i mean that unironically, like. when in doubt. taz/dnd will give me my serotonin and fantasy escapism that i crave <3

i feel like i could say more but at this point i’m just tired!!! so, to quote adam parrish, “i want to feel awake when my eyes are open”

#idk there are a lot of things i could probably tag but the big thing is #eating ///#bad eating habits ///

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izzy-b-hands · 4 years

Note

for the pacific asks: mobile

Sorry this took me a bit to answer, I fell asleep for a little while. Also, I'm so sorry this turned into a mini rant/essay.

Mobile- How do you feel about your hometown?

Tbh, I'm not a fan lmao. And gonna forewarn ya, this became a mild rant against Bismarck and ND, so I do owe you one for asking this and letting me get it off my chest. It felt really good.

Anyway:

Bismarck is...fine. Good place to raise a family. After that, leave. As someone who should have found a way to leave years ago, I can vouch for this. If you're old and Republican and don't hate winter, then come back when you're ready to retire I guess, but otherwise? There are better places in the States, in the world. You don't want to waste your time here. Visit once, then never again, is my pitch for the next tourist slogan.

There is not much to do (bars, hunting, other outdoor activities, church, movie theater, one sad mall or the even sadder other mall, drinking in other places you aren't always allowed like by the river or at someone's mildly illegal fire pit) and if those activities aren't enough for you, you can try and catch some of the seasonal things. Some of those are very cool (like the drag show and other events held during Pride.) The issue is that those things happen for one weekend in one month, and then that's it for the year. So if you liked that activity and want more outside of that weekend...that's too bad. Bismarck will make you wait until that particular weekend next year.

Fargo, a city about three hours away, has slightly more to do (more bars, they get more bands coming to them for concerts, more seasonal events and cool locally owned unique shops) and basically is like a more fleshed out version of Bismarck. So if you want the safety of Bismarck without the boredom, you go there. Then you realise that that will also get boring fast, and you leave permanently for Minnesota or Montana or literally anywhere else.

I got off track here and made this a North Dakota diss track, but I'm right and I should say it. Even when I've tried to join local groups for various interests, to try giving the city a chance again, they either fall apart, everyone moves away, or in my case you never really feel comfortable there or make any friends, so you stop going. I'd love for there to be places aside from the public library to go and just...exist. Aside from what I will admit are nice parks, Bismarck doesn't really have places like that, and when you don't have any friends that live locally anymore like me...you really feel it.

The local economy is also...not great. Could be worse, but could definitely be better for folks in my situation (god I would kill for rent that wouldn't take like an entire paycheck, and I am so lucky my mum lets me stay with her and pay half everything including the mortgage) and my god am I sick of hearing about the oil fields. Please, oil field companies, stop fracking, and also stop nearly killing and actually killing your employees out here, okay? That shouldn't be difficult because...killing people shouldn't be difficult, and I shouldn't have to actually say that.

Particularly for an writer like me...the economy doesn't have a spot for me. Jobs for my skills don't exist out here, at all. And on the rare occasion they do, they try to basically just make you a receptionist who also does three other jobs, only one of which will use your skills, while paying you 7.50/hr without health insurance. The publishing industry has not heard of ND or Bismarck aside from some independent presses, who really only want works about North Dakota, and that's it. I can only write about the prairie so much, and not in a way they've ever wanted to publish.

This isn't even getting into the lack of diversity and the issues there (so many. That is literally an essay on its own.) Or how though the elderly are a huge part of our population, because we're still kind of rural and a lot of them live in even more rural communities away from Bismarck, we give them shit medical care and care in general. We have a shortage of medical staff and specialists because no one wants to live here, and that's a whole thing as well, in addition to what I just mentioned with the elderly and uh

Well

I feel like BDG at the end of an Unraveled rn tbh. I want to end this happily. The scenery can be beautiful as long as you don't like trees (we have not many. Lotta flat land.) But pretty scenery does not a great place to live make, or we would just live in paintings or some shit. I've personally been wanting to move away since I was about ten years old, and have made plan after plan to try and make that happen, with obviously no success. If I could move anywhere else safely right now, I would jump at the opportunity.

That said...yeah. Come to ND and maybe if you feel like it Bismarck once, take a picture with Salem Sue, go the Medora Musical so you can regret having gone to the Medora Musical, walk in a park, be sad when a band you love is only going to Fargo and not Bismarck and you can't get transportation there, get blind drunk at a bar where men have Confederate flag belt buckles and women still wear their hair like it's 1986 and or 1995, avoid any drugs because this is opoid country as in they find a lot of other drugs here are cut or made with opoids, enjoy and by enjoy I mean hate that nothing is open super late or much on Sundays because here Christianity has an iron grip on those laws, take in the fact that outside of Pride weekend there are minimal chances for any fun activities for the LGBTQ (no gay bars here, not in Bismarck or last time I checked anywhere in the state, maybe a local pride group will do something randomly or hold a book group, but you're gonna have to go searching to find that stuff), and go on and have some kuchen and knoephla soup and feel it clog your arteries.

Then leave, and be happy that you have the ability to go, and also maybe take me with you, I will pay my own way please just let me bring my cat.

#text post #im sorry this got long but holy shit was this cathartic #thank you for asking this my friend but also im sorry because i highly doubt this mini Unraveled like rant is what you expected as an answer #ask box things

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xhudgenssistersconfessions · 4 years

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Austin must’ve really hurt V... you can just tell by the way she is acting on social media at least... (not judging her, I love it actually that she’s more active) .

Okay I'm so mad rn .Vanessa deserves better. Wow I totally had a different opinion about him . Why are men like this? How dare he hurt V like this!She was like his family. She had been there for him for so long. I hate him!!!

Vanessa is too nice for her own good.

Why are people acting like her and Austin just broke up a week ago? They've clearly been broken up for weeks now, since mid December at least. It's not been proven that Austin cheated or has done anything. Unless you were in the bedroom with him when it happened or pictures of him kissing someone from over a month ago comes out, then we don't know for certain. So let's give Austin a little ounce of credit here and the benefit of the doubt, before slandering his name and talking shit.

I don’t how true are these sources but if it is true and austin did cheated on her then that guy never deserves this fame he has . V really put so much into relationship like doing less projects staying by his side and definitely increased his circle to make contacts but now he is bigger star than her he decided to cheat and leave. Girl literally put a hold on her projects and given so much into relationships. Time to unfollow austin.

I am so disgusted. V doesn't deserve to be treated like this. She is so positive and literally has no mean bone at all. This is hurting me personally I swear. After all the support she gave him for years this is how you treat her! If the rumors are true I am glad she cut him out ,he deserves no confirmation from her . I hope she cuts off a certain bff too.

I can't believe this that girl is my age!!!! I hope V is allright. I kinda relate to her ,I never like to show my real feelings in front of the world. She deserves all the happiness in the world ,not this nonsense.

I am so done with him. I am not a good person like V. I will hate him and stay bitter about this forever.

Literally saw all the articles of Austin cheating and such and I mean to be honest, I’m not doubting it. That picture of his co star wearing his shirt. That’s a little too close for comfort. And going out to dinner multiple times with said co star, a little weird. So yeah Vanessa deserves so much better, especially after all she put into that relationship. Almost a whole decade. It’s just so sad. She deserves some one who chooses her every day and doesn’t get easily tempted.

Vaustin is over for me forever! I don't even want to think about them anymore. The only ex relationship I will forever love is Zanessa and Zanessa only. I feel so bad for V. She was so loving and loyal to Austin. I can't trust men anymore.

Can't believe I wasted my time being sad over her breakup. So glad V didn't make my mistake being hung over him lol.

IF Austin cheated I hope it gets widely reported on bc man think he got away with it bc there's no pap pics, also if V doesn't know she deserves to so he can get wrecked

I know the cheating rumours are rumours but this has come from a few sources now, so I'm pretty convinced he did cheat

I think Austin didn’t necessarily cheat BUT the Elvis movie production are going to use the rumors for PR for the movie

It's clear Austin cheated. I don't know why it hard to believe for some. Yeah, there may be no photo proof, but there has been several sightings. Australia isn't like LA to have people up their butts to see what they are doing. If it wasn't true, I wouldn't think all these cheating confessions wouldn't be going around from people and sources. I was confuse on how well Vanessa is handling the breakup, but now I understand why. She literally not taking his shit and showing who's boss.

I personally think its unlikely not to be true since there's the YouTube comment and the video that said they booked into hotel room together

Until something is confirmed, I'm not gonna jump to conclusions. From what I've seen in the last 8 years, Austin has always been very respectful and good to Vanessa. So for that, I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. Plus, he doesn't seem like that kind of person. The way he talked about her, the way he showed his love for her, that says something to me. So I personally just don't believe the rumors. Cheating is a serious allegation and people have different opinions on what that is.

If this rumor about Austin didn't start I'd be thinking about this Kuz thing. But this literally means so small to me now . I cannot accept the fact that someone can hurt V like this. Seriously I hate him so much!

I swear if it was Vanessa with all the cheating rumors she would have got so much hate. Just because he is a guy he is allowed too. People got the nerves to drag Vanessa for a date. This so disturbing.

If Austin cheated on her I’m so disappointed. She gave him all her love and attention the last 9 years. She literally suggested that he should play Elvis. And how does he pay her back? By cheating. I remember when everyone praised him because he held a car door open for her.

The hand on leg can look good or bad, depending on a person. But hearing that your boyfriend got a hotel room with a king size bed with another girl? That's a major red flag right there. We aren't hearing anything from Vanessa about the breakup because maybe she doesn't want to admit she got cheated by Austin to her fans. If they were on good terms, I'm pretty sure she would say something about it by now. There were clues and hints adding up. Like seeing his shirt on Olivia, like c'mon now.

Honestly, there is a no win-win battle over what happens to this breakup. Sources say they are on "good terms". There are insights saying Austin has been cheating. Then no confirmation or denying of what's going on. Only thing we could is base this on, is how Vanessa is holding up. She gave us an insight she ready to move on. That says something right there. Austin is in the past now for her clearly. Like someone said, I think she knows what we know.

With all these rumors I'm feeling disgusted even looking at Austin's picture rn. I never shipped them tbh so when they broke up I was just worried about V. I had no interest in their relationship or if they get back together or anything but this rumor is bothering me. This is plain disrespect for the woman who had been there for him through everything. I mean how can he even get away with this and V is the one getting criticised. I seriously hope these rumors are not true.

#answered #THIS is why I wanted to wait to post #because there was so many so I wanted to combine them #but I wasn't on my computer lol

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