#i lay myself bare and i see

[greatestjubilee]

bleh

#hi all. lucy here #i have barely been drawing lately because ive just been unable to #like i feel like i lost my spark. i dunno #i used to draw so much and make so many comics when i was absolute rock bottom mentally #like the funnier i was the worse i was doing #ive been better lately but i truly feel like ive almost sacrificed my ability to draw or create stuff for some more mental stability #i just....i dont know. i feel like i can't do anything i used to do with art. like im not funny or have no ideas or just think stuff like #oh ill just draw this because people will wanna see it #but i gave that up because not even i wanna see it anymore #i hope that i can feel like drawing again one day i just dont know how to get it back. it really feels like ive lost a major part of myself #this is my rambling here just to let you know i am still around just kind of laying low because im drained

[lunarharp]

if i just told you i love you would this world change

#witch hat tag #orufrey #these kinda suck lol i feel like i cant draw right now *irritated sigh* BUT I FEEL EMOTIONS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #if you are gay go watch good omens season 2 right now. NO YOU DONT KNOW THO!!!!!!!!! #i know being this affected by good omens is probably cringe. I dont care any more. the last 1 minute of good omens season 2 was #some of the most affecting acting i've ever seen in my life. sometimes someone acts with the force as if their entire career led to that #like during the credits part the very end im not even talking about before that. holy god #aziraphale i know everything about you. i know what you are feeling right now. i can see everything on your face. we're going to make it #ER.... NOT THAT THIS HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS POST. IT'S NOT SPOILERS !!!!!!!!!!!!! #I JUST FEEL THOROUGHLY CHANGED !!!!!!!!!!! SHIT GETS REAL FROM NOW ON.. LIKE IN GENERAL! IN MY LIFE! #tormented gay love tormented gay love TORMENTED GAY LOVE TORMENTED GAY LOVE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #btw the first 3 images were drawn earlier with an entirely different feeling and an entirely different mood. #Why do you keep pulling away from me? #It is because i love you that i do this #the lyrics from one of my japanese orufrey songs (A SONG THAT THE CREATOR LISTENS TO!!!!) led to feelings #“あなたが知らない私を残さず見ててほしいの” but i'm not translating it cause it just sounds weird. if with his eyes oru's asking “WHY don't you want #to let me in? to see all of you?“ those lyrics are like ”I actually want you to see every last bit of the parts of me you don't know“ #oru you have no idea how much i want to lay bare my whole soul for you #maybe it's an alternate version of chapter 40. to me #i need to draw something really fucking good or i'm not going to forgive myself. i will not rest in this life #until i have made the orufrey that fully satisfies me nor until i have seen what the manga is leading to #NO STORY MEANS ANYTHING WITHOUT TORMENTED GAY LOVE AT THE HEART OF IT. THATS THE HEART OF THIS WORLD!!!!! #........... so Hi im normal :) haha *goes and finally makes breakfast*

[bizarrescribblez]

I'm hooked on a feeling

I'm high on believing

That you're in love with me

#ERM #RUNS AWAY IM NOT EVEN ELABORATING #anyways you can barely see but I drew myself with arm hair cuz I have it irl ówò #ITS SOMETHING IM INSECURE ABOUT BUT I ACTUALLY LIKE DRAWING IT NOW?? #🗡️☂️ lay all your love on me #self ship community #self ship #f/o community #self ship art #self shipping #fictional other #fictional other community #s/i x f/o #self insert x fictional other

[seaquestions]

[ID: A drawing of an open ribcage with a poem written in the middle, which reads:

"the vultures won’t eat well that night.

justice. there’s a warped sense of it when i wring myself - wry smile, withhold, control, rumble-bang on the door, listen! my leaden lining, with time, won’t accept nothing it was never my image, but my image hurts now - after punishment for crimes that hurt nothing, no-one, but i say, for nights i sway - i see myself fading away, see the world in trails, its entrails and my entrails, it's what pangs, what pales, what heaves, what fails, it's what carrot! what stick! i’m just making myself sick."

The drawing is white lines on a black background, and the text is yellow. End ID]

#niksartstuffs #personal art #poetry #yknow mostly i think it's fun to write smth really vague. cos this is based off smth i wrote last yr that was very straightforward. #with what it was about and all that. and i think? this is a lil more open-ended? i think. which is neat :] #feel like im opening myself up to kinda.. expressing myself without explicitly laying myself bare? w/o personal context it's harder to know #what exactly i'm talking abt here. you can see it i suppose i dont think its That vague. (?) or read it as you like. idk im still building #up my confidence in regards to writing.

[hexenjagd]

We are at that point where I am officially stuck folks. I have cleaned it up more, inked it and adjusted other spots and tone down some busy portions. I may still fix the chest portion where it curls around the breast, but that aside... lol I have not drawn consistently over a span of 2-3 years that I feel as if I totally forgot how to render and shade via digital and have hit a wall.

#ooc. mun art || art and stuff; #I am shell and i am bone || visage; #To lay bare || Nsft; #This keeps happening... aaaaaa #tbf tho this was only supposed to be a sorta... display/study of the markings/tattoos that scale down her sides or curl around from her bac #So that I -and anyone who is interested in these details- can see it and know... that these magical markings are a pain the ass to draw! #I do it to myself tho! still fun.. but THANKFULLY they are hidden most of the time #Give me strength to finish this or to find a way to shade/render it-- I need the power #okay for real this time-- no more posting on this until it is done at last... wish me luck #I have been redoing it layer after layer and just AAA

[milkweedman]

ah, the ever-more-frequent Urge To Explode My Brain from unending migraines. a migraine that just lasts the day already sucks so bad. whole day is gone in a blur of pain and misery, right ? a migraine that lasts multiple days is sort of like if hell was real and you were in it. time has no meaning, only pain, etc.

months of migraines... with no break or end or effective treatment and also you still have to work and behave like a normal person because you cannot lie in bed for months not paying rent. well id describe it you but ive fucking lost the plot. its gone on so long and its so bad that when the migraine ISN'T at its peaking on the pain scale and making me feel like if i was hit by a truck that would be an improvement, i start to feel like my head is a vestigial organ that has been removed. cant access sensation in my head and it feels literally disconnected from my body. meanwhile the pain is still there (along with the brain fog, vertigo, nausea, etc) but it feels like its happening to somebody else.

#im kind of impressed that i can at this point carry a normal conversation (as good as i ever can. which is bad but irrelevant) #while being in agony and having been in agony for as long as i can remember #usually also with something dislocated just for some extra fun #because what i actually feel like doing 100% of the time is lighting myself on fire and/or screaming forever until i die #however thats the kind of shit that puts you in the psych ward again #so i am. smiling and making small talk while migraine auras wash out my vision and i try not to visibly dry heave #its really really really fucking bad. all the time so fucking bad. #i need to message my neurologist but likelihood of me doing that is low #because 1) the stuff she's put me on has so far done nothing but add intolerable side effects to the hell that i am already existing in #and 2) its fucking hard to do anything. even the bare minimum im not doing. so extra shit is just. not happening #i want to scream. #i am gonna. go for a walk and smoke a cigarette instead and then get really high because at least then i dont really care #the auras are making it really hard to see though. theyre like bleach all over my vision. just this wash of white #hhh. #chronic illness #chronic migraine #and its like. when my knee also gives out and it feels like theres metal in there slicing everything up with each tiny movement #or any of the other one million goddamn things broken in my body #i end up so overwhelmed by pain that i just want to lay on the floor and cry #at which point everyone around me gets mad that im not being productive and im costing them money and im not good enough #like ok kill me then. cheaper for you happier for me. just get a heavy object and go to town i would thank you for it #but i cant even say that because openly expressing suicidality just makes people angrier #im rapidly running out of fucks to give but also i will do anything to avoid returning to the psych ward #literally anything. morals out the window. i dont give a shit. #so its a catch-22. #vent

[strohller27]

.

#I’ve been thinking (and being alone with my thoughts like this is sometimes dangerous but what can ya do) #and like. I think I’ve been trying to make my standards high when it comes to dating to protect myself from getting hurt #which. of course? why wouldn’t I? but like. I think I tried to make my standards impossibly high so that when nobody lived up to them #I could just be like ‘oh! how sad! anyway it’s safer for me to be single because [whatever bullshit reason I can come up with]’ #and this does protect me from getting hurt. but it also protects me from good things like. being intimate with someone. #which. if I were to be perfectly honest? that’s the only thing in my life I think I’ve ever really wanted more than anything #but of course I’m scared of that. because being intimate with someone requires opening up to them. #laying yourself bare and hoping they stick around after seeing what you bring to the table. #and like. I feel like I’m the guy who is firmly planted in one of the tails of a normal distribution #(and I’m not talking about the better-than-average part of the distribution if you get what I mean) #so like. I know there probably aren’t a lot of people who would stick around after I took off all my masks and laid myself bare before them #and I haven’t met many people I’d be willing to try that for #but sometimes. someone comes into your life and you feel like you’re ready to risk it all #but you don’t. because being vulnerable is a dangerous place to be. feeling as desperate as I do at times is a dangerous place to be #and so I’m probably not going to risk anything. but. listen like #why.. if my standards are so high.. is there this person in my life capable of meeting all of them. #and why.. when I’m this out of my mind for someone.. do there seem to be so many obstacles between me and them #why do I always fall for the ones who listen to me and show me kindness when I’m fragile. #even when there isn’t a chance in heaven or hell that it’s gonna work out. #why do I often think about how many times we’ve hugged. why do I want to live up to their high opinion of me. #why do I play the things they’ve said to me over and over in my head like a broken record. #why do I always have to obsess about the people I fall for. why can’t I just be normal about this. #like. this is starting to get in the way of my everyday life. it’s occupying my mind most of the time. this can’t be healthy. #in short. why the Fuck am I Like This and How Do I Stop.

[thoughts-of-kel]

gm kel!! I would usually be in school BUT I slept in bc I'm sick so now I get the whooooole day off! YIPPEE

i hope u feel better but at the same time HOORAY!!!!!

#kel story time #<- this time in the tags #one time i got so sick i ended up staying home from school for 8 days straight it was like an awful fever and i was so unbelievably- #-miserable that i spent almost an entire day laying down on my couch once and sleeping through it instead of being the little ipad baby i- #-was. see not many people beleive me when i say this but after i get a fever i grow somewhere from half an inch pr more taller. #i wish i was kidding because the last time i got a fever (A FEW MONTHS AGO) i grew half an inch and could now declare myself 5“5. #no shoes on. just bare feet on the ground. i am now 5“5 because of my fever. #anyway storytime over ty for coming to my ted talk #thoughts #thoughts of kel

[reanimatedgh0ul]

while i love danny and valerie being soft tender and wholesome w each other i have yet to elaborate on why i personally get equal if not more enjoyment out of them specifically in a pre reveal context being allowed to love each other in a way that's messy imperfect and flawed

#like before i get into this to clarify is MY personal take on the relationship and what i would like to get out of it #LIKE THE NARRATIVE POTENTIAL THAT HAS IS SO JUICY AND INTERESTING TO ME OK #THE DRAMA THE TENSION THAT HAS #the metaphorical delicate tightrope these two walk and balance off of when it comes to their relationship #one wrong move and it could snap like twine #it's this push and pull these two have #them being soft and tender w each other HITS DIFFERENT post reveal in this context #bc it's abt them being tired they just want to care for and love the other w/o ever hurting them again #heck them being soft and tender w each other before the reveal adds another weight to it when it finally happens #they can't go back to the status quo bc everything's changed now #it's this i want to trust you i want to know that i don't have to have my guard up around you that you won't hurt me #that i can lay myself bare and be honest w you go back to the way things use to be but idk if i or if we can anymore #LIKE DO YOU SEE THE VISION YET #robi rambles

[orcelito]

Honestly hate how hard it is to start writing again when you've gone too long without it. Like for fuck's sake man Why's shit gotta be like this

#speculation nation #daydreaming of the early discacc days when i wrote 70k words in 3 weeks. those were the days... #im just... so tired and wrung out and everything is so fucking hard #im barely even Doing anything besides working. my apartment is in horrible shape rn. #what is it about grief that makes life so hard to live man. you lose a cornerstone to your life and suddenly everything is in shambles #and i know he wouldnt have wanted this for me. for me to be Barely functioning bc my brain has been so bad in response #im alive im going to work im feeding myself and showering every day #but i havent been doing the dishes i havent taken out the trash theres Stuff all over my floors and cat messes i havent cleaned #and i dont have the energy for any of it. i get home i eat and then i climb into bed. rinse and repeat. #im just... tired. im so very tired. #i keep wanting to turn to my hobbies to cope with things but it's so fucking hard to stick to #constantly oscillating between manic moods where i think i can finally start moving on (but i dont have the focus to do writing) #and depressive moods where Good Fuckin Luck doing anything besides laying in bed #if you couldnt tell im in the second boat right now. in bed as we speak. and so i shall remain until it's time to go to work #at least ive been going to the woods almost every chance i get. it hasnt given me the power to write but it's been good for me i think #get out of the apartment. experience nature. pick up a snail. you know how it goes. #i kinda feel bad for entering a fandom and trying to dig out a place for myself and Kind Of succeeding #i have a good handful of followers. people who wanna see more of my analysis and fanfic #but i havent posted anything significant in like a month bc i have belonged to the void. all month. #losing family will do that to a person i guess. doesnt stop me from being frustrated though. #negative/

[duodusk]

man i hate when i make a positive post or even just a happy personal post and someone comes in being negative on it like. if youre gonna be deprecatory do it on your own post damn

#txt #it wasnt EASY working towards a more positive mindset its something that took (and still takes) active work #and i dont want to see your ass like 'oh lol couldnt be me' 'i hate myself/my art/my work' etc #SHUT UP ! go into the world lay in the sun find beauty and happiness in yourself then come back to me #it takes active effort and im not lookin to see someone i barely know rejecting it. i dont care ! go fix yourself ! #sorry for vagueing its not about anyone here. im just annoyed cuz like. #things are so much better if you make an active effort to stop self deprecating #its not easy and everyone has bad things happen its okay to be in a bad mood sometimes but like damn #why bring it to my post #vent #i guess ??

[silverselfshippingchaos]

he really said that 💀💀💀 what a man 😍

#have i already posted this clip? idfk man it's 6am gimme a fucking break /lh LMAO #ahsjkahs he's so sassy sometimes 👉👈 it's really funny and adorable and cute.. and extremely attractive- #also he's so strong!!! #i think about him all the time sjdhsjdh i cant wait to play x.enoblade all day #... after i drag myself out of hed #*bed #last night i had a great night! im just.. so tired... #closing night of a musical! we all hugged and laughed and cried and posed and took pictures and all that and it was so wholesome #but.. so much singing and dancing.. almost every day.. and we kinda went all out yesterday- my body is so sore LMAO i dont wanna get up!! #but hey... dont gotta get up when i'm snuggling d.unban yeah? #my plushie of my wifey a.qua also sits on my bed every night so it's so nice to wake up and see her there! i love her sooooooooo much!!!!! #point is. d.unban is the best sjdhsjdj he's strong and loyal and brave and funny and sooooo handsome!!! #he's my newest f/o but he's the only thing on my mind always! #also.. since im all sleepy... his chest makes for a really nice pillow #i refuse to put a shirt on him in my file because. um. hahahaha. 😳 #but it also means im constantly fantasizing about laying on and feeling his bare chest #he gives such good cuddles and he's so comfy too! s/i is always super careful about not accidentally hurting his injured arm #whenever they're cuddling or kissing or doing anything else #she does like kissing it though. the scars are so beautiful. #ash rambles 💚 #also his voice is just so pleasing! sometimes he and s/i (and the other party members) poke fun at each other since s/i is #the only character that doesn't talk in british LMAO d.unban has never really heard anyone talk like her before but he loves her voice hehe #he's just such a sweetheart! and he's sooooo strong too!!!!! i'm always in awe whenever i watch him fight #god i love long haired swordsman so much! shout out to my beloved f.elix! love you babe #anyways good morning and i love d.unban! i'm going back to bed lol #your f/os love you all actually <3

[noxtivagus]

zzz gna nap ><

#🌙.rambles #mostly ive just been posting here n then of random stuff irl havent i #gna fix that sometime but for now ill dump n just ramble #im so sleepyyyy #going on twt a bit just now n bb alphy he's just so adorable isnt he #laying beside apollo rn n they rlly love being mean to me but in a rlly cute way somehow #actually so sleepy #seeing my friends earlier in school n all was nice #we got assigned to our secret santas too n the one i'm assigned to is just rlly easy #i cant think of anymore #im rlly so sleepy #BYE ILL NAP 🥹 #edit/ bcs i dont want to make a new post #realizing most of my irls do indeed barely know anything abt me 😭😭 #as in not like. hmmm. idk this is all /nm #but i realize i.. unintentionally have a lot of secrets. #i hate to be inauthentic but w my most buried secrets sometimes my actions irl n the way i interact w others #end up being painfully restrained or i may. purposely be misleading but not with any harmful intent just so that i can 'hide' in a way #not too deep it's just i have secrets that. me having these wtvr r very likely unwarranted so ill hide so it wldnt create any problems #maybe.. maybe i'm too selfless sometimes i find myself sacrificing aspects of myself for the sake of others #but at the same time idk i feel st times that reaching out or asking for wtvr i want is selfish. #i know better but goddamn this is one reason why i relate to alphinaud ffxiv maybe now after all that im still a bit afraid of my real self #i shld stop that but. there really are some things that. i can't reach out first for myself #this is ambiguous this goes for several things rn #i'll delete these tags sometime bcs i dont want to give this the wrong impression nah #nvm i will delete some tags asap n ill delete the rest later

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#shout out to that tiny glimmer of focus i had Saturday before i dumped ants on my brain #now im stuck in. i have to be productive but i csnt focus but i csnt do anything fun loop #half of my brain: what if u just relax? the othet half: no. shut up. what i just agonize until i explode? #annoying. and im apparently on call for jury duty the entire month of January #which means i have to be back from home by jan 2. and i probably have to stay until at leas dec 20th here #so optimistically i could have 12 full days and 2 travel days. but we'll see what happens #my mum is looking at flights for me bc im a barely functional person and i end up in hysterical tesrs everytime i have tk buy plane tickets #everytime they call i feel like im talking to them from the bottom of a well. like hi! hello! nice to see familiar faces! #tell me tales from the outside world! oh not much going on? thats ok we can still talk tho. talk and talk and talk #i talk to much. because im stuck in this well and im sad and i want someone to help me but also the ladder is right there and im choosing #not to stand up. so the conversation ends and i go back to laying half submerged and crumpled up in my well water #slowly unraveling into my stagent little puddle #and i cant stop thinking about all the time im blurring away #my mum asked if i was even coming home for Christmas #and im like. of course im coming home. i dont want to be here but its so hard to get my brain to justify leaving #i dunno. i just have to get these stupid manuscripts done. and applications submitted #so i can at least breathe a little. and then hopefully ill get accepted somewhere and i can throw myself into something more wonderful #so i can at least see the stars from the bottom of my sad little well #ugh. the amount of time i spend paralyzed by all the things i have to do is infuriating #just start something. make progress and eventually youll be done. stop whining abt it #ay ay ay. mayhaps i should just quit today and hope for a better tomorrow #but then im just pushing back everything a little further. ay. it never ends #unrelated #srry for being so mopey :-P like i said i talk too much

[astrxealis]

i really want to make gifs of fuuta's 2nd trial mv while it's still really new. idk if i should post them if ever though... <- has never posted any of my edits of any sort and gifs. even icons

#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚ #⋯ ꒰ა milgram ໒꒱ *·˚ #nah i only have like. access to canva for paid. and it's education and not even pro LMAO ty to school for providing canva education <3 #yeah but i only really use canva and photopea and take a fucking long time doing anything related to editing #it's fun and a great way to pass time esp bcs i take a long time but for time efficiency... not really <//3 #i'll do my homework first and then ya ^___^ #i want photoshop but if you get me i don't want to YEAH. not only do i hate yeah i also don't like paying often #like ofc i do for what i need but i. barely spend my money (it helps knowing that idk how much money i even have) #idk maybe it sounds good like 'yo you don't waste money' but also it sucks idk how to handle money at all and stuff #i rmbr being so excited planning for getting ffxiv. laying out the costs and all. LMFAO ya i only really pay for xiv sub and that's it #cash shop i only have a few stuff bcs i've been there for old events and my friend (very generous. big brother guy) gifted us stuff #fuuta's voice is so good. man i keep getting distracted this went from editing to money and then ffxiv and then fuuta #UHM ANYWAYS...... anyways............. yeah i just do really simple edits. just literally changing the color and all #but you see i often like things most when it comes from me. or my friends. or if it is personalized #so i don't like taking random things! idk the process feels best when it comes from me but i also love stuff that have heart in it #and if it's yk. oh. this is for me. ig i'm just used to mostly having to do things for myself bcs i don't get it often from others </3 #braindead. it is 1 pm. i will finish my homework (soon!) #i love all milgram characters. i was a bit yk to muu and kotoko but i think i understand kotoko better after studying fuuta more #and i get now ^^ it's a bit hypocritical to vote her innocent and fuuta guilty but at the same time it depends on what you value #and also did people really not expect her to. do that. hello. i saw that coming from a mile away but yeah you can't predict the future #so makes sense too! tbh im a fuuta innocent guy but i do believe guilty first trial is best but also wow the effects of guilty 1st trial #were yeah. but taste of his own medicine (real!) i just hope the others get that too. in time. #specifically muu and kotoko bcs though i love them they still iff me a bit (is that even a word) #tbh my feelings on milgram characters are complicated but i think i'm complicating it too ngl. #obsessed with mikoto though. his voice!!! his va slaying as always #tbh w kotoko it's mostly that i think she's getting ahead of herself. in a way. i think that's how to say it but i'm not sure #with muu. i think i get her but it's more of fuuta for me and i think that's why yeah? but i like muu she was one of the first that #caught my eye from b4 i watched the mvs and all!! i think it might be that she reminds me a tiny bit of myself #but in a way i'd rather not admit or something i don't like about myself that makes me like her less. curious #hi um i wrote a lot more tags but they stopped after 30 oops. i took screenshots tho <3 anyways this is a 20 minutes post BYE

[knifeprtys]

.

#sibling death tw #rainne #it might just b bcos im sic in the head but seeing how upset absolutely everyone is is kinda comforting #like ive had ppl tell me they had to leave work when they found out n stuff #and its like right??? it's devastating! she WAS that important and special #ive been inviting everyone to the funeral even tho we haven't made any arrangements yet and i mean literally everyone #ofc i tell them its okay if they cant make it n we understand #but everyones been like OF COURSE I'LL TRY MY BEST TO COME ITS RAINNE!!!!!! #even when ppl who barely knew her are reaching out or ppl she hadn't been in contact w for years its all genuine we r all shattered #i wish she knew how loved she was and how much she meant to people before all of this #i thought it would annoy me seeing randoms come out of the wood work but it doesn't #what dOES is everyone being like now WE have to stay in contact #i hope they dnt mean it #esp my foster parents we had to contact them ofc even tho we've been out of care for the 20 - 15 yrs #and theyre so religious and they were telling us abt their own kids and how theyre pastors and ambassadors now #and its just like . buddy i lay in my bed and i plan to for the rest of my life #my brothers doing good w his life but i am noT a success story #n i cant bare them trying i know they mean well but itsss overrrrrr for meeeeeeee #the waiting abt for everything is killing me too #im gonna try and distract myself today rbing silly little pics on here feels wrong but i rly do use tumblr to like. soothe myself lol #every time smth bad has happened in the past ive been on here just rbing as normal even if i was full on sobbing #its my brothers birthday today too so im still gonna try and make it nice for him #idk how but im gonna try