#i know the process is hopefully changing soon since people are talking about it more and louder than ever but man. ive been at

[littlethingsinlife]

i'm sorry (happier part 2)

A/N: I was not expecting the amount of positive feedback for the first part and I was even more surprised to see people asking for a part 2! It was originally created to be a one-shot but a part 2 really fit well with how the first one ended. Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you again for all of the love and support! I hope you all enjoy. I also want to thank my friend, @tummymoth, they really helped me flush out and refine my rusty ass writing (also let me word vomit at them till midnight sometimes).

Pairing(s): Past Lo’ak x Omatikayan!Reader, Ao’nung x Omatikayan!Reader, Slight mentions of Lo’ak x Tsireya

Warnings: Lo'ak's POV, Swearing, Ao'nung saying something sus ONE time

More Info: My vision for this part 2 was to create a reply in Lo'ak's pov. So we'll have a look at what he experienced and thought process (not too sure if any of that made sense) but I was inspired by Joshua Bassett's song "i'm sorry" and it played constantly as I wrote this. Hopefully I was able to do right by my idea haha.

Summary: 7,547

Part 1: Happier

Key:

(Y/N) = Your Name 

Lyrics = Bolded Italics 

Flashbacks = Italics

Na'vi Words:

Yuey - beautiful (refers to a person) 

Skxawng - idiot/moron

Marui - Pods where the Na’vi live

Ilu - sea creature similar to dolphins

Ikran - dragon-like creature 

Tulkun - sentient creatures similar to whales

Olo’eyktan - clan leader/ chief

I thought about what I would say

But I’m two years too late

I can’t imagine how you’re doing these days, hmm

Sure, it wasn’t perfect back then

I’ll be first to admit

But it was better than being strangers again, oh

It had been a couple of months since my interactions with (Y/N) dwindled to terse smiles and barely audible greetings. If you asked me to point out the moment our friendship started to change, I couldn’t tell you. When did our bond start to break? When did it even start to crack? We used to talk every day about all the things we did and planned what pranks to pull on everyone, but now? Now, she barely looked in my direction. Now, she wouldn’t even give me the time of day. 

I couldn’t remember when it started, but I knew that it was somehow my fault I grew distant once we arrived in Awa'atlu. I guess I was just so fascinated by the new environment and people, I didn’t even realize a rift started to form between us in the first place, much less that it started to grow. 

The night before we left to find a new home, I held (Y/N) as she let out sobs filled with fear and anxiety. It broke my heart, but all I could do was hold her and let her cry until she was calm enough to tell me what was on her mind. 

“I-I am afraid, what if the sky people come to find us again? I cannot lose any of you; it would break me into a million pieces,” she sobbed. 

“If they find us then we will fight and we will win,” I reassured her, gently rocking her back and forth. 

“You are an idiot, I was so close to losing you, to losing Kiri, Tuk, how do you think it would make me feel to lose the most important people in my life?” she sniffled. My chest ached at how broken she sounded, but the only thing I could do was assure her and offer her more words of comfort as I held her in my arms. 

“I promise that I will be with you throughout the journey as will my family. We love you, and even if you do not believe it, you are a Sully. And you know what my dad always says.” 

“Sullys stick together,” we chorused.

That night, I cradled her in my arms until she fell asleep. 

Fuck, I completely broke my promise to her, how could I forget? Shaking my head, I tried to reason to myself, “Maybe she just needs time alone. I’m sure she’ll come running back soon once she realizes that it's no fun without me, her best friend.” I felt a small, unfamiliar feeling in the pit of my stomach. “Right?” 

I’m drunk too late talking to the moon

Writing songs I can’t sing to you, ‘cause

“Bah! Stop lying, I know you (Y/N). You would have fought alongside me and defended Kiri. You are not the same girl I knew in the forest back home,” I muttered, rolling my eyes and getting up to leave. Honestly, who did she think she was fooling? The skxawng had the balls to insult Kiri, and all she did was sit back and watch. She didn’t even make a move to help until it was to help him by pulling me off. “Talk to me when you’ve come back to your senses,” I called over my shoulder, refusing to look back. 

“Lo’ak! Bro—” a hand roughly grabbed my shoulder, jolting me out of my daze, “why’re you just staring off like that?” I whipped my head to see who the hell it was that was bothering me, only to be met with Neteyam.

“Did you have to grab me that hard?” I hissed before my initial anger gave way to a heavy feeling. “It's nothing, just—just lost in thought” I sighed, shrugging his hand off my shoulder. 

“Right, sure, nothing.” he crouched down beside me. “Don’t think you can lie to me lil bro, you’ve been spacing out more than you usually do. I didn’t even think it was possible to be more empty-headed than you already are,” he stated. 

“Wha—no I haven’t,” I tried to argue, but of course, he wasn’t convinced. 

“Can you stop arguing with me for once and just tell me what’s going on with you, you skxawng?” 

I scrunched my nose in distaste and inhaled sharply, “(Y/N) and I have been…  distant,” I admitted, turning to look at him. “She won’t even look at me. She either only answers me with one word or doesn’t answer at all.” 

He nodded, motioning for me to continue. 

“I—the last time we talked, I said things I didn’t mean. Things that just came out because I was so frustrated and… and angry. It was the heat of the moment and I—” 

“What did you say skxawng, did you hurt her?” Neteyam interrupted, face twisting to show the beginnings of distaste.

“No, no—” I sputtered and raised my hands to calm him before he could go on an hour-long lecture that I absolutely was not in the mood to hear. “At least I don’t think I did… I just wanted to ask her why the hell she was helping fish lips, that’s all—” 

“You didn’t answer me Lo’ak, what did you say to (Y/N)? I don’t care why you did it, I want to know what you said to elicit such a reaction from her.” By Eywa, if he would just give me a chance to get to the point—

“I—I told her that she was not the same girl that I knew back in the forest..." my ears lowered as the weight of what I said slowly sunk in. “And that she could talk to me once she came back to her senses,” I whispered, internally cringing at my harsh words.. 

“You fucking skxawng—” 

“Can you stop calling me that? I already know, you don’t need to keep repeating it…” I scoffed, looking out into the ocean. I’m good enough at beating myself up over the hundreds of times I’ve messed up in this lifetime, I didn’t need another disappointed set of eyes on me.

My ears twitched at the deep sigh he let out. “Look, I’m sorry that I keep calling you skxawng but that is exactly what you are for saying something so hurtful to your best friend of all people. The two of you were inseparable the moment you were born. Even if you don’t want to, suck up your dumbass pride,” my ears flattened again. It wasn’t pride, I’m not prideful. It—it was me needing (Y/N) on my side. We used to always be on the same page, and when she said I was wrong for wanting to defend Kiri against those assholes, it felt like she was siding with them instead of me, and—

Okay, so maybe it was pride.

  “Admit that you were wrong, and go talk to (Y/N),” Neteyam insisted as he put a reassuring arm around my shoulders, jostling me around to prove a point. “Your friendship is so much stronger and Eywa knows that a heat-of-the-moment argument isn’t going to break that. You should have more faith in her.” His gaze sharpened before he schooled his expression into something calmer. “Just talk to her, yeah?” 

“...Yeah,” I mumbled, swallowing down whatever argument was trying to bubble up from my throat and prying his arm off me. “You’re right. I’ll just clear things up with her and apologize. Everything will go back to normal after that, thanks bro—for listening,” I agreed. 

Ever since that day

The things I didn’t say They haunt me, oh

And I know that I’m to blame 

So, go ahead and 

Blame it on me, oh

Our lessons on the ways of the Metkayina were finished, so it was rare for the entire group to be in the same place. But every once in a while, we all finished our chores at the same time and found ourselves near the shore where we first learned to ride the ilu, and sat around a fire hours before eclipse, laughing and exchanging stories. 

The rarity of these moments made me cherish them that much more, but two people continued to miss our not-so-scheduled gatherings the past two moon cycles. How was it possible that they were the only two to keep missing our hangouts? Were they together? Fish lips had better not be doing anything to (Y/N) or so hel—

“(Y/N)! Ao’nung! You guys made it!” Rotxo laughed. 

“Yeah, yeah, quit shouting will you?” Ao’nung shot back as he sat down next to Rotxo, (Y/N) smiling softly as she followed. 

“So, what’ve you guys been up to? We haven’t seen you in what feels like ten moon cycles.” Neteyam questioned.

“Teyam, you saw me earlier today, you literally helped me feed our ikran,” (Y/N) joked. ‘Teyam? When did she start calling him by anything other than his given name?

Ao’nung swatted her side with his stupidly wide tail and swung an arm around her shoulder with a remarkably punchable smile on his face “More like he was trying to make sure you didn’t accidentally give them your fingers for breakfast. They would’ve gotten indigestion.”

“Haha very funny Ao’nung,” she drawled, “I would’ve fed you to Tekay instead, but she would’ve gagged the moment she caught a whiff of you,” she scoffed as she quickly pushed him away by the chest.

“Wait… Do they even have a gag reflex?” Fish lips didn’t budge, he just had a dumb look of confusion on his face.

“No, but they would defy the laws of biology to gag just for you,” she quipped, sticking out her tongue and moving to push him away again, but the skxawng had the nerve to pull her into a headlock. 

“Oh, yuey, the ikran won’t be the only ones gagging on me tonight,” he argued with a smirk. 

Did I want to punch that smirk off his face? Did I want to gag? Both? Before I could make a decision, (Y/N) grimaced, pushing him away again and smacking him upside the head. 

“That’s actually repulsive. You’re disgusting.”

“Dude, keep it in your pants, her family is right there,” Rotxo laughed, doubled over as he struggled to catch his breath.

“Yeah, we’re right here,” I interjected with a smile—wanting to join in on the jokes that were being thrown around—but it was hard to keep my face from falling when I saw (Y/N)’s bright expression falter. 

“Anyway, what were you guys talking about before Ao’nung and I arrived?” she asked in a too-bright tone of voice she only used when she desperately wanted to change the subject. As if everyone came to an unspoken agreement to forget about the conversation before, one by one they all started talking about who they thought would win in a fight—Toruk Makto, or our Olo’eyktan, Tonowari. 

The sound of laughter and excited chatter faded as I replayed the previous conversation in my head. When did they start joking around like that? Why the hell did fish lips call her yuey like it was the most natural thing in the world? How come she smiled so easily with him but faltered when she sees me? She was probably smiling with him right now—

I looked over at her, a pit in my stomach already forming at the idea of her smiling at him, but she looked so distant, so withdrawn from everything around her. Before I could even blink, she put a delicate hand on Ao’nung’s arm to grab his attention and mumbled something in a hushed tone. After a few beats of silent conversation, Ao’nung nodded and gave her a look of understanding. 

Why did he look at her like that? How much time did they spend together to be able to understand each other with just a look? How much time have I wasted breaking my promise to her while she grew closer to someone else? 

 Standing up, I made up my mind that I would talk to her and clear up any miscommunication. There was no way in hell I was about to let fish lips ruin our childhood friendship. Before I could even get close, Neteyam pulled me aside. 

“Bro, why’re you glaring at everyone?” he asked with concern written all over his face.

“Glaring?” I tilted my head in confusion. “I’m not glaring, this is just my face.” 

“No, no.” He shook his head. “I’m your brother, I know your face. Whatever look you’ve been throwing at Ao’nung and (Y/N)? You may as well have been throwing knives at them.”

Behind Neteyam, I could see (Y/N) get up to bid everyone good night and slowly walk in our direction. This was my chance, I just needed this overbearing idiot to leave me alone. 

“Whatever look you think I’m giving to them, you’re wrong,” I denied. “Can you not act like this right now?” My tail flicked side to side impatiently, an obvious twinge of annoyance clear in my tone. I licked my lips nervously as I could hear footsteps coming closer. Leaning slightly to the side, I looked behind Neteyam to see (Y/N) and—

Ao’nung? What? Why is he there? 

“Good night,” (Y/N) muttered, not sparing us a glance as she walked past. I followed her every move and—as if everything slowed down—my eyes narrowed as they found Ao’nung’s hand placed on her lower back, leading her gently in the direction of the marui. 

I know that I’m too late

But I’ll say it anyway

I’m sorry 

I’m sorry 

I’m sorry 

Though it's far too late

“I did it! Did you see that Reya?” I shouted—out of breath—as I showed off the shell Tsireya threw. 

“Yes, yes you did it!” She exclaimed, excitedly wrapping her hand around mine. For someone who spent so much time underwater, her hand radiated so much warmth. So easy to hold. My heart swelled with pride as she continued to compliment me. “You’ve improved so much!”

“Yeah? Well, I had a great teacher,” I joked, nudging her softly with my shoulder. It wasn’t just her hands that were warm either, she just seemed to radiate it.

“Oh stop, you flatter me too much,” she denied, fidgeting with her hair. Was that a blush on her face? “C’mon, why don’t we catch up with the others? Private lessons are officially done for the day,” she announced as she led me to shore. Oh Eywa, she looked so pretty like this, with her hair flowing down her back and the way her eyes cast down when she became flustered. And her smile, it was a smile that could knock the air out of my lungs.

While we walked onto shore, we joked around and laughed with each other, talking about anything and everything. The ease of each reply and joke came as smoothly as gliding through the water on an ilu—as easy as breathing. Laughing at another one of Tsireya’s jokes, my eyes scanned the village as we approached it. Families were winding down for the day as they cooked dinner, although I didn’t see mine anywhere nearby aside from Kiri. 

My smile slowly dropped when I was able to make out Kiri looking frantically around as if she was searching for someone. Tsireya and I made our way to her, worry filling the pit in my stomach. As we got closer, I could see Ao’nung climb down one of the roots of the Mangrove trees and make a beeline toward her. My eyes stayed on both of them, making sure that fish lips didn’t do anything to Kiri. 

Ears twitching I was able to make out the words, “(Y/N)? Did you find her? ” from Kiri as they were carried on the wind toward us.

“Yeah I did, I was able to get her to eat, but she’s not looking too good,” Ao’nung replied with concern lacing his voice.

Brows furrowing, I pulled Ao’nung by the shoulder. “What do you mean she’s not looking good? Where is she? What did you do?” 

“What the hell do you mean? I didn’t do shit, freak.” I rolled my eyes at the insult. He couldn’t use that thick head of his to think of anything else to call me? From the pained look on his face, I could tell that my grip on his shoulder had too much pressure. Good. Served him right.

Before Ao’nung and I could continue our argument Kiri groaned, “Will the both of you skxawng shut up! I’ll go talk to her.” My eyes followed her retreating form as she went to talk to (Y/N)—tail lashing back and forth in agitation all the while—before turning back to Ao’nung.

Who the hell did he think he was? I’d beat his skxawng ass if he hurt (Y/N) in any way. He had no right to look so damn worried. They weren’t even close. What even happened? How long had she been missing for Kiri to go to fish lips of all people for help? Should I follow Kiri? Why didn’t (Y/N) come to me? She always came to me, and if she came to me now, I absolutely would have listened. Why—

“Lo’ak? Hey, are you okay? Lo’ak?” a hand softly placed itself on my arm. Closing my eyes in frustration, I sighed. 

“Yeah, perfectly fine.” 

Damn it, was that when it started? How idiotic and blind have I been that I didn’t even notice that her trust in me started to slip and die when it was right in front of me? Why didn’t I go to her and make sure she was okay? I should’ve punched that idiot’s lights out—

“Ao’nung! Stop pulling me you skxawng, you’re walking too fast, slow down!” a hushed voice chastised. 

“C’mon yuey, we only have about an hour before eclipse, we have to hurry!” His voice grated against my ears as he responded. 

“That’s plenty of time!” (Y/N) insisted. I could hear the laughter bubbling up in her voice as she chased after him. “Please Ao’nung slow down, I can’t keep up.” 

“It can’t be helped, you’re so short—” a whack could be heard. “Ow!”

“I’m as tall as Tsireya, you giant!” 

“Both you and my sister are short—Ow! Alright, just because you did that, you leave me no choice,” Ao’nung said, throwing (Y/N) over his shoulder with a laugh. 

The bickering voices got closer, and my eyes narrowed at the way he held her. My breath hitched as he whispered something in her ear that made her ears perk up and her eyes widen. What the hell was he saying to her? Before I could spring up from my spot, Ao’nung tossed (Y/N) in the water, her yelp quickly interrupted by the sound of her body hitting the water. 

I stayed in my spot as shock zipped through my body. Letting out a breath I didn’t know I held, her head popped out of the water, a playful glare on her face. 

“I told you, you left me no choice,” he stated, guffawing at her expression.

“Oh yeah?” she groused, spitting out seawater as she wrung out her hair. “Well fuck you too. Help me out of here?” 

“Only if you say the magic word,” he taunted, crossing his arms with a smirk. “Otherwise, I’m afraid my hands are tied.”

“Please, oh great son of our Olo’eyktan, help me out of the ocean,” she beckoned dramatically, sarcasm dripping from every word while she rolled her eyes. “It’s about time you recognized my proud lineage, forest dweller,”  he said as his chest puffed out with a hand reaching towards (Y/N). And there was that stupid smile on his face.

(Y/N) rolled her eyes, a mischievous smile spreading across her face as she reached for his hand, making sure to tug with enough force to unceremoniously yank him into the water. 

“So much for the son of a great warrior! Your instincts are shit!”

“My instincts are dull you say?” he questioned as his head popped up next to her. “We’ll see about that!” 

“Wha—AHHH—'' she wheezed. “No, please Ao’nung stop! That tickles!” Her arms flailed wildly in an attempt to free herself from his grasp. 

What the fuck.

  My ears flattened at an angle as I tried to process the scene unfolding before me. When did she start laughing with him? That should’ve been me she was laughing with. Not him, not the skxawng who had been nothing but rude to us since we arrived. What… what was I even saying—Fuck I didn’t know anymore. Why did I feel like this every time I saw them together… laughing and making jokes like we used to?

And it was me, it wasn’t you

It’s cliche, but it’s true 

I wasn’t thinking how I usually do, oh

And is your momma doing well? 

Or does she still hate me? 

But it was hard to watch me put you through hell 

I’m drunk, too late, talking to the moon, ooh

Writing songs I can’t sing to you, ‘cause 

Two weeks had passed since I started noticing the changes in (Y/N)’s relationship—friendship?—with Ao’nung. It was like every time I blinked, I could see her laughing loudly as Ao’nung tickled her with a triumphant smile on his stupid face. Since that day, I had been trying to find a way to talk to (Y/N), but she was never alone. She was always with him and when she wasn’t, she disappeared and I couldn’t find her no matter how hard I looked. 

Now here I was, wandering around trying to look for her as I rehearsed what I wanted to tell her. 

Where could she be? Dinner was in an hour and she wasn’t anywhere near our marui. I had to find her soon so there would be enough time for us to talk. I had to tell her that I miss her, that I was sorry for being so dumb, that I shouldn’t have let my pride blind me, and that I didn’t mean any of the things I said. 

There was only one place I hadn’t looked yet… hopefully she was there. 

As I was getting closer to the root Kiri stalked to, I could see two silhouettes beside each other. An all-too-familiar feeling bloomed in my chest once I registered that she was there with him. 

Her melodic laughter made my steps falter. I clenched my fists tightly, contemplating if I should go over there and pull her away, force her to talk to me, to listen. But I couldn’t, I couldn’t do that to her, not when she looked so content, so happy. 

Ever since that day 

The things I didn’t say 

They haunt me, oh

I know that I’m to blame 

So, go ahead and 

Blame it on me, oh

“Lo’ak? You said you were going to look for (Y/N) and never came back. She’s already in the marui helping mom cook,” Kiri stated, a twinge of annoyance lacing her voice. “Hey, are you listening?” She shook my arm slightly, making me jump out of my stupor. 

“Yeah, sorry, you said dinner was ready?” I asked as I stared off. 

The sand beside me crunched softly as Kiri made a move to sit beside me. “No, I said that (Y/N) is with mom helping her cook. Where is your head at?” she asked as she tilted her head to try and meet my gaze. “Are you alright?” The annoyance in her voice shifted to concern. 

“I’m fine, yep—just… fine,” I brushed her off, hoisting myself up to head towards Mom and Dad for dinner before Kiri yanked me back down. 

“Lo’ak, don’t pretend you’re okay when you’re not. Tell me what’s going on,” she urged. “Maybe I can help you with whatever it is that’s occupied your mind lately.”

I inhaled sharply, debating if I should tell her what had been muddying my mind, the reason why I had been so spaced out, why I had been glaring daggers at fish lips each time I saw his stupid face next to (Y/N)—how confused I was. 

“Stop with the thinking skxawng, you might hurt yourself,” she admonished. “Just tell me. It’s not like I can’t handle it.” 

Huffing, I rolled my eyes and turned away from her to look at the sea. I hadn't even said anything yet and Kiri was already making me feel idiotic. How was I supposed to tell her what's been going on like this? Maybe if I kept quiet for long enough, she would get tired of waiting for me to start talking and go on to eat dinner without me. 

A couple of minutes of silence passed. 

I could still feel her staring at me.

“I’ve—I’ve been conflicted,” I started, tongue feeling heavy in my mouth as I continued to stare at the shoreline. “I don’t know what I’m feeling.”

“What do you mean?” Kiri nudged my shoulder with hers. “Elaborate a little more, I can’t help if you don’t tell me the reason why you’re feeling confused.” 

“...Whenever I see (Y/N) with Ao’nung, it’s as if I can feel my heart aching,” I said, motioning toward my chest to prove my point. “There’s always a… a surge of anger that rushes through me. All I want to do is pull her away from him so then everything can go back to the way things used to be—for us to be okay.”

“Lo’ak…” If I was looking at her, I’d probably see Kiri tilt her head with sympathy. But sympathy isn’t what I needed right now.

“I want her to look at me and smile, to laugh with me, hug me—but now, whenever I get close to her, she’s next to him, laughing with him, cracking the jokes we would make to each other… I just—” I rubbed at my face in frustration. It wasn’t as if the words were hard to come by—I had spent so much time bottling them up that it was hard to stop talking. No, I just hated the fact that I felt this way in the first place. “I don’t understand why seeing them makes me feel like my heart is about to explode—why it makes me want to scream. It hurts.” 

“Lo’ak” she put a hand on my shoulder. “Are you—are you in love with (Y/N)?”

Love?

I sputtered in surprise and whipped my head toward Kiri to see if she was joking or not. What kind of a sick question was that? I wasn’t in the mood for any games. 

“What? No, she’s like my… sister?”

She rolled her eyes and sighed. “If you’re not, then why does seeing her with Ao’nung hurt you so much? Why do you care as much as you do?” 

“I shouldn’t!” I wrenched my shoulder away from her hand and stood up. The need to move around and do something—anything—was too much. There was too much energy thrumming right beneath my skin to sit still anymore. 

“That’s the problem! After everything I said to her, done to her? I don’t have the right to say I’m in love with her. She’s my childhood friend, Kiri. That’s all our relationship has ever been… I just—” I paused in thought and tried to calm down. “I didn’t realize seeing her have so much fun with someone else would make me feel so, so hollow—” 

“Let me ask you something, you have to promise to be completely honest with me, okay?”

I nodded, not even looking in her direction. 

“When (Y/N) tried to pull you off from Ao’nung that one fight months ago, what did you feel? Angry? Betrayed? Jealous?”

Jealous? Did she really think I was sulking for months because of such a petty feeling? I’m not a jealous person. I never have been. 

“Seeing her jump in to get me off him made me feel like she was siding with him and telling me that I was wrong. Her actions were clear as day to me, Kiri.” I started to pace around. “She was protecting him—caring for him when she should’ve been next to me, helping and supporting me. When she did that—I felt like the only person that’s ever been on my side—” I croaked and turned my head to look at Kiri as tears stung my eyes “The only person who didn’t see everything I did as some sort of disappointment or failure, abandoned me and chose someone else.”

“...”

“I know that I could’ve approached her a different way but how could I when I felt so broken?” I inhaled sharply, eyebrows furrowed. “ It’s all fish lips’ fault. If he wasn’t such an asshole, none of this would have happened, and (Y/N) and I would still be the same, she would still be by my side—supporting me, loving me.” 

“Why do you keep blaming it on Ao’nung?”

“Because it is his fault that things have turned out the way it has.” I threw my hands up, exasperated. What wasn’t Kiri getting? “He’s getting in between my relationship—er—friendship with (Y/N)! If he wasn’t there I would be able to talk to her and tell her I’m sorry, but she’s always with him—”

“Stop! Are you hearing yourself?” She nudged at my foot to interrupt and scoffed. “You’re unbelievable, you know that? (Y/N) told me what you said to her, how ‘she wasn’t the same girl’ you knew back in the forest. Do you know what happened when you told her that? Do you know how much pain she was in?”

Pain? I snorted, turning towards Kiri. “Now I know what you’re saying is bullshit. You know how (Y/N) is—if she really was pissed at me she would’ve come to me instead of running to someone else.”

“She wasn’t pissed. She cried because of you, Lo’ak. Because of what you said.” I stopped dead in my tracks to look at her. Kiri's eyes didn’t waver. Another heavy feeling settled on my chest and clawed its way up my throat. If you had asked me what it was, I wouldn’t have been able to tell you. Was I sad? Guilty? Angry? Was I jealous like she said?

I settled on anger.

“If you’re saying what I think you’re saying—”

“The person that found her that night, the one who comforted her? That was Ao’nung. He held her in his arms as she sobbed when I found them.” She stood up too, forcing me to stop pacing. 

“The last thing I want to hear about right now is him, Kiri. What the fuck—”

“Did you ever think about why she’s so comfortable with him now? Why they’re so close? While you ignored her for weeks, he made sure she was okay—made sure she ate every day. He didn’t leave her side until she finished,” Kiri pointed out, and before I could even think to open my mouth to remind her how shitty he was to her especially, she cut me off. “Yes, he was an asshole at the beginning, and yes he has a screwed-up way to show he cares, but he stepped up when you fucked up.” She poked my chest with a glare before she continued. 

“Oh, so I’m a fuck-up now?” I asked wryly. 

“You can’t put all the blame on someone that took care of your best friend. Stop being so blinded by your pride and hatred and see that you’re the real reason why your relationship with (Y/N) isn’t the same as it used to be.” 

My heart sank a little more as I scrambled for something to say. “How could you say that—”

“No, you do not get to interrupt me right now, Lo’ak.” Her eyes flashed with something closer to anger than annoyance. When was the last time I saw her angry? “Listen and listen well. When we couldn’t find (Y/N) and we were looking for her everywhere—he was the one that found her spot, the one she isolated herself to so she could cry alone, and no one would see how much pain she was in. And what were you doing in the meantime?” 

My ears flattened at her rising tone, and I was finally beginning to understand the weight stuck in my throat and chest. Not anger, not even jealousy.

“You were out there with Tsireya, stuck in your own little world.”

It was my fault.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m really happy that you found her but you can’t have both of them. You can’t be that selfish. From (Y/N)’s perspective, you’ve already chosen the one you want.”

“It’s not like I’ve actually chosen anyone yet,” I tried to interject, but all the fight had left my voice as Kiri’s words dug into my skin and sunk in.

“Don’t you dare play with either of their feelings. (Y/N) held so much love for you in her heart, she allowed herself to break to the point of no repair because she didn’t want to show you how much it hurt her to see you at your happiest with Tsireya.” She paused before continuing, her voice losing its edge. “Let her move on, brother. And if it’s Ao’nung that makes her light up the way she used to, then you suck it up and let him. He was there when your pride wouldn’t even let you apologize or even look in her direction. Actually think about how she feels for once.” 

I hated the fact that there wasn’t anything I could say to prove her wrong. 

“It’s all I’ve been thinking about nowadays,” I muttered.

I know that I’m too late

But I’ll say it anyway 

I’m sorry 

I’m sorry, hmm

I’m sorry 

Though it’s far too late 

“I thought I was already doing that,” a faint voice huffed in annoyance. Turning the corner, I saw Ao’nung and (Y/N) standing on the beach together— far too close for my liking. 

“You were, but you got sloppy. Here, you have to move your hips like this,” he said as he corrected her posture. My ears flattened against my head as he put a hand on her hip and gently directed her movement.

Why did he look so gentle with her?

“Ao’nung,” (Y/N)’s voice rang out, clear as crystal despite her uncertain tone. “Are you sure you should be teaching me this? This is a traditional Metkayina dance, right? I’m…” she hesitated, her voice becoming smaller. “I’m not Metkayina—” 

“Yet.” He interrupted, holding her face in his hands. “You are not Metkayina yet. Once you become one of us, you will have to learn the dance to celebrate the return of our spirit brothers and sisters, so why not learn that now?” I hated how reassuring his voice was. The thought of how either of their eyes looked as they held contact made my stomach turn.

“Yeah… you’re right,” she mumbled with an unsure look on her face.

“Woah, hey pretty girl, look at me,” he insisted, laying his hands on her shoulders and bending his neck so they were at eye level. “I’m serious when I say you will become Metkayina one day, so don’t worry yourself over it right now. Okay?” Ao’nung tilted his head to the side, an unbelievably soft expression on his face. “You have me here to help you.”

“Alright…” (Y/N) mumbled, not convinced. 

“If you don’t get rid of that look on your face I’ll throw you into the water,” he said as his face shifted from sincerity to something mischievous. “Or worse… I’ll tickle you,” he threatened.

“You better not Ao’nung, or I swear to the Great Mother herself I will hu—AHH—get away, you skxawng!'' She laughed as she tried to run away, but Ao’nung grabbed hold of her waist and pulled her into his arms. And despite her words of protest, it was clear as day that she was leaning into him while they scuffled on the sand. 

“No!” she shrieked with glee. “You can’t make me go in there again!”

“I wouldn’t be so sure of that, forest dweller!”

A thought occurred. Should I go up to them? We never got the chance to talk, after all. I took a few steps in their direction before freezing. When was the last time I heard her laugh like that? She had the biggest smile on her face, and the one who made that happen wasn’t me—it was him. 

And if you ever hear this 

I hope you know that 

I’m not proud of who I’ve been, ooh

And if I see you again

I hope you know that 

I wish you nothing but the best

And my biggest regret

The afternoon was quiet, relative silence only interrupted by the crashing of waves. Without much to do, I just sat in our marui and lazed around with Tuk until a horn blew. 

“The tulkun have returned! Everybody—our brothers and sisters have returned!” Tsireya’s voice rang out, and when I poked my head out to see what the fuss was about, I saw the megawatt smile on her face, as she swam by on her ilu. 

The village came to life as everyone mounted either ilu or canoe to make their way to the tulkun. From here, I could see little more than a large group of dark shapes making their way through the water. Payakan himself was dauntingly huge, but to see a whole pod of them show up like this? It was spectacular. I watched the commotion unfold from one of the walkways, lost in thought before I felt water splashing at my feet. 

“Come on Lo’ak! Don’t just stand there, let’s go see the tulkun together!” Tsireya urged, still smiling. Shaken out of my stupor, I grinned widely—diving into the water and clambering onto her ilu. lu may be lithe animals, but I could still feel sinuous muscle under velvety skin as it made adjustments in the water to keep balance. 

“I’ll come, but only if you’re offering a ride,” I joked, gently holding her waist and playfully leaning onto her. The cool water around us made her skin feel that much warmer. It was nice. 

Before I could see her reaction—I would’ve bet anything at that moment that her cheeks had become flushed—we began to quickly make our way toward the rest of the clan and the giant tulkun. 

The air around me vibrated with the excitement and happiness of loved ones returning, and Tsireya was no exception—the speed of the ilu gave away her eagerness to be with her spirit sister. As we leaped into and out of the water, Tsireya’s laughter was carried by the wind and reached my ears. That, and the answering whoops and bellows of Metkayina and tulkun alike, was almost contagious enough to get carried away by the energy surrounding us. 

“My spirit sister is down there,” she said as she dismounted, sliding off her ilu and into the water. “Wait here, yeah?” she smiled at me before diving down.  

I was more than happy to watch the Na’vi around me. Looking around, I was in awe of the sheer amount of tulkun gathered in one area, and how each Metkayina was able to identify their spirit sisters or brothers so easily. Looking down into the shifting waters, I saw Tsireya catching up with her spirit sister, waving her hands around and swimming through the water alongside her.

All around, I could hear people telling stories and the deep, booming calls of the tulkun as they responded with tales of their own. New parents were showing their babies and calves, and as my eyes scanned the horizon, I could see small children holding onto the tulkun’s fins as they were lifted to the glittering ocean surface.  

Not too far away, I heard the sound of a body hitting the water and the sound of grating, but familiar laughter along with an indignant (Y/N) sputtering. 

“Ao’nung, what the fu—” 

“Hey, hey, relax! It’s just some water. There are children here, yuey,” Ao’nung chided with a shit-eating grin on his face. 

“The parents of those children are going to have to explain what it means to return to Eywa once I’m through with you,” she retorted, treading water and becoming even more unamused when he raised his hands in mock surrender. 

“Woah there pretty girl, you’re talking to the son of the mightiest warrior in all of Pandora—”

“That’s funny, I don’t see Neteyam here,” she interjected, pretending to search the waters around them before turning back to Ao’nung and tilting her head, “do you?”

“Just because you said that you can have fun finding your own way back to shore,” he said as he turned his ilu around.

“Oh, c’mon Ao’nung, don’t be like that,” she rolled her eyes and reached a hand towards him. “You’d really leave me here to fend for myself?”

He turned and wagged a disapproving finger at her, “I’ll consider forgiving you if you say word-for-word that I’m the son of the mightiest warrior in all of Pandora. I can’t have you slandering my father’s name, yuey.” She groaned and leaned back into the water. 

“You couldn’t pay me enough to say that load of bull—”

“Nope!” he didn’t give her a chance to defile the ears of any nearby children and crossed his arms. “I wanna hear you say it.”

“...”

“I’m still waiting.”

With a sardonic smile, she finally caved. “Why don’t I do you one better? You’re the mightiest warrior to exist since the time of the First Songs,” she declared, sarcasm dripping from every word as she slapped at the water for emphasis. 

“That’s what I thought, was that so hard?” Even if I wasn’t able to see them, I still would have been able to hear the stupidly wide smile that made its way across his face.

“Don’t be such a big baby and let me meet your spirit brother!” 

“Just because he’s here to visit today, I’ll let that one slide for now.” Ao’nung rolled his eyes, dismounting his ilu to join (Y/N). “Now hold on tight and hold your breath like how we practiced.”

We? Who the fuck was we? Why was he allowing her to meet his spirit brother? Why were they looking at each other like that?

I watched both of their silhouettes submerge and breathed deeply, forcing my thundering heart to calm as I slowly sank my head into the water. At first, all I could see were blobs floating around in the water, but once my eyes adjusted, I could see the fluid movement of Ao’nung talking to his spirit brother. Eyebrows furrowing, I swam a little closer and hoped that I would be able to see what was being signed. With each movement made, it was clear that Ao’nung was translating the clicks and bellows of the tulkun to (Y/N), and whatever was being said made her smile widen by the second. 

I couldn’t watch anymore as my chest burned from the lack of air and I resurfaced to catch my breath. For once, I was thankful for the lack of lung capacity I had. I climbed back onto Tsireya’s ilu. Seeing as she wasn’t back yet, I sat back and leaned on its neck to face the sky.

Did she always glow like that when she smiled? Whenever she was with him—she always looked so happy, so vibrant. Would she have looked like that with me by her side if I didn’t push her away? If I was there for her like I had promised? I wanted to tell her sorry—that I was sorry for taking our friendship for granted, for making her go through it alone. I wish that it didn’t take seeing her smile and laugh with someone else to make me realize how I felt.

I willed my tears to go away. 

Is this how she felt? Seeing me with Tsireya? Great Mother… I was truly horrible, wasn’t I? I wished things turned out differently. Maybe in another universe, I did talk to her—realized sooner, made her happier—but now? Right now, my heart was torn in two, watching as someone else picked up the pieces of the heart I crushed. No amount of words could fix what we used to have, and even though I wanted to whisk her away, tell her I love her—that I see her—that seeing her with him made my skin crawl, I knew I couldn’t. I was no longer worthy to be part of her life, because of me and my actions alone. 

I had become nothing but a stranger. 

Ever since that day 

The things I didn’t say 

They haunt me

I know that I’m to blame

So go ahead and 

Blame it on me, ooh

I know that I’m too late 

But I’ll say it anyway

I’m sorry

I’m sorry 

Hmm, I’m sorry 

Oh-oh-oh-oh, I’m sorry

Taglist: @midnightliacr @immortalbloodhuntress @arminsfloll @whenercolorfulrainbowlol @dakotali @lexilander27 @zatarias-pandora @vanillawhale @kazupop @owaowaowawa @sopiasleeps @siabhshjsjsjsjshznzn @jimfiqs @ihave500hubbiez

#lo’ak x reader #lo'ak x you #lo'ak x tsireya #lo'ak x y/n #atwow loak #loak angst #neteyam #neteyam sully #neytiri te tskaha mo'at'ite #neteyam te suli tsyeyk'itan #jake sully #kiri te suli kìreysì'ite #sully family #atwow x you #atwow fanfiction #atwow tuk #avatar the way of water #lo'ak avatar #avatar #ao'nung x reader #aonung #ao'nung #angst #hurt no comfort #heartbreak #realizingtoolate #songfic #one shot turned two shot

[justagalwhowrites]

Lavender - Ch. 21

When someone you dread comes to the QZ, Joel takes matters into his own hands. A continuation of Lavender Ch. 1-20 found on Tumblr here.

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female Reader

Warnings: Description of past SA, PTSD response, torture. No use of Y/N. 18+ only, minors DNI!

Length: 7.2k

Friday, April 17, 2015 - Four Years Later 

“So you’re not going to be Dr. And Mr… Fuck, what was his name again?” Andrew snapped off a bite of jerky. 

“His first name was Simon,” you said. “I’m not actually sure if I ever got his last name.” 

“So you’re not going to be Dr. And Mr. what’s-his-name why?” 

“Because he had a weird problem with the fact that he’d sometimes have to share a bed with my best friend,” you shrugged. 

Jess groaned. 

“He was fine with it at first when he assumed the best friend had a vagina and he thought he could finagle a three way out of it,” you said, taking a drink of water. “Got a little less OK with it when I said the name Andrew…” 

“You guys don’t even do that much anymore!” Jess said. You and Andrew both looked at her for a moment. She sighed. “You do that every time I go outside the QZ don’t you.” 

“It’s like you don’t know me at all,” Andrew kissed her temple. She sighed, leaning into him. 

“Almost like he’s attached to his wife and has a hard time coping when she’s out dealing with the end of the world,” you said. “He’s just strange that way…” 

She rolled her eyes. 

“Who knew I’d be a part of the codependency club…. Well, hopefully now that the new batch of guards are coming in they won’t need me as much,” she sighed. “They’re supposed to be getting a few other people who are equipped to go help with field psych evaluations with this bunch…” 

“I’ll believe it when I see it,” Andrew muttered. “They’re only after muscle, they don’t give a shit about anything else.” 

“Isn’t this group supposed to be pretty big, though?” You asked. “We’ve got Marta coming in to help with processing for health screenings in like an hour…” 

“You say that like it’s not going to just be more goons,” Andrew said. “With all the shit that’s going on… There was a shoot out just a few blocks away the other day. FEDRA’s losing their grip.” 

“They ever bug the clinic break room we’re going to be next on the executioner’s block,” you muttered. 

“Makes me nervous, talking about this stuff here,” Jess said. “No one likes it but…” 

You were quiet for a minute. 

“Any other dates coming up soon?” Jess changed the subject. “I still liked Sean…” 

“He did stick around for a bit,” Andrew nodded. “He lasted, what, four months?” 

“Yup,” you nodded. “I liked him, too. But, you know…” 

They didn’t respond. They didn’t need to. Sean had said “I love you” and had expected to hear it back. You just weren’t comfortable lying to him. He didn’t stick around long after that. 

“Nothing on the books yet,” you shrugged. “We’ll see what happens.” 

“You’re just going to end up fucking Tommy again,” Jess narrowed her eyes at you. 

“Yeah, I don’t know if I should be proud of you for figuring out how to have casual sex or if I should be frustrated with you figuring out how to do it with just one person,” Andrew said. You glared at him. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s very on brand for you…” 

“Hey,” you cut him off. “Why are we talking about my sex life? I don’t get to talk about your sex life…” 

“Ours is boring,” Jess shrugged. “Yours is way more fun.” 

You weren’t sure if fun was quite the word you’d use for it. 

Yes, you’d managed to branch out a bit since your split with Tommy. It took a few months but, when a guy in line for rations had asked if you wanted to hang out sometime, you’d said yes. Sure, you ended up having nothing in common with him but it was a start. Something you were now comfortable doing. Now you were having dates somewhat regularly. Even if you weren’t always sure you understood the point of it. 

You’d only been broken up with Tommy a few months when he showed up at your door late one night, just before curfew. You were already in bed when he knocked on your door. You frowned. Even months later, you recognized the knock. You all but jumped out of bed and tore the door open. 

“Hey Kid,” he gave you his signature, cocky smile. His bicep was bloody. 

“Of course you’re bleeding,” you sighed, opening the door. He smiled sheepishly but came inside. “You’re always fucking bleeding.”

He sat on your bed where he always had as you’d stitched him up and shrugged out of his shirt, hissing as the fabric passed over the cut on his arm. You gathered the supplies and turned on enough lights that you could see what the fuck you were doing. 

“Who’d you piss off this time?” You asked, cleaning the knife wound. It was jagged. 

“The usual,” he said. “Believe it or not, this isn’t how I wanted to see you again…” 

“Weird that you still go out and get into trouble then,” you muttered, checking the wound before starting to suture. 

“I’ve been thinking about coming by, saying hi for a few weeks,” he said. “Missed you. Weird not seein’ ya all the time. This was just… the push I needed.” 

“Everyone else OK?” You asked, glancing up at him. 

“Fine,” he said. “Tess made it out unscathed. Joel’s leg is better. He just got decked in the face this time out, which he probably deserved for somethin’ else stupid he’s done lately.” 

You laughed a bit at that. 

“Probably did.” 

By the time you’d stitched him up, it was past curfew. 

“I can take the couch,” he said, but you waved him off. 

“We shared a bed for a year,” you replied. “Just shower first, you’re gross.” 

You were reading when he climbed into bed beside you. 

“Kind of a weird place to ask it but, think we could be friends?” He said. “Meant it when I said I missed you. Don’t expect anything else but I’d like to be friends.” 

You looked at him for a second, the shadow of familiar longing in you. You ignored it. 

“I’d like to be friends, too.” 

And you were just friends, for a while. It took some adjustment but you liked Tommy as a friend. He was funny, he shared a lot of the concerns you had about FEDRA and what was going on in the world, he was unfailingly kind. 

A few weeks after you broke up with Sean, the two of you were sitting on your couch, watching a movie Tommy had found on his last trip outside the QZ, Cruel Intentions, something you’d never bothered to see before. You liked it well enough but the sex scenes… you hadn’t had sex since the split with Sean. The scenes were making you fidget on the couch, rearranging yourself to try to get some kind of relief from the ache between your legs. 

The movie finally, mercifully, ended and Tommy looked at you. 

“Proposition,” he said. 

“Shoot.” 

“We have sex.” You raised your eyebrows, he pressed on. “As friends. We’ve already done it, I have a good time, you have a good time…” 

“You’ve just got a one track mind,” you rolled your eyes at him. 

“No,” he said. “I can just tell when you’re turned on and I’m tryin’ to be a gentleman.” 

You glared at him. 

“No strings, no pesky feelings, just sex when we both want it,” he said. “That’s it.” 

You thought for a second. Could you do that? You supposed the last time you’d had sex with Joel it had been just sex. You’d kind of hoped it would be more but you knew that it wouldn’t be. 

“Just sex?” You asked. 

“Just sex,” he nodded. 

Just sex with Tommy turned out to be pretty damn fun. It wasn’t something you did all the time but it was enough to you from being too focused on the sex part on the rare occasions you did try to date someone new. It was easy enough to cut off when he found someone he was interested in or you did and easy enough to fall back into when you were both single again. 

It was during one of the “just sex” periods that Tommy brought you to meet some of his… friends. 

He’d just gotten back from a smuggling run and had a pack full of stuff when he showed up at your door with a broken finger. 

“Figured why try to fix it myself,” he teased you. You just rolled your eyes and let him in. 

“So I’ve been thinking,” he said slowly as you set his finger. You just raised your eyebrows at hm. “I’ve got to run this stuff to a meeting tomorrow night. You should come.” 

“What kind of meeting?” You frowned. 

“Just some like minded folk,” he shrugged. 

“You’re being awfully cagey, Miller,” you said. He shrugged again. You smirked a little. “I’m not going to a swingers club with you…” 

“Damn, killing all my dreams here, Kid,” he teased back. 

The next night, he came by the clinic as you were finishing, the pack on his back, and led you across town to a building that FEDRA hadn’t done anything with yet. 

Your body tensed. It reminded you of being outside the QZ, like a clicker or a raider was going to jump you at any second. 

“You’re OK,” he said quietly, leading you down a hall. There was a firefly insignia painted on the wall where he turned.

“Tommy,” you hissed. “Are you mixed up in…” 

“Just listen to what they have to say,” he said quickly. “It’s not what you think.” 

“Don’t know what the hell kind of death wish you have,” you muttered. He ignored you. 

The meeting was informal. It was Tommy, a handful of other people and a woman named Marlene who seemed to be running things. They didn’t seem to want to talk openly with you there, but they seemed to have enough understanding of whatever the fuck it was they were doing to not need to say much explicitly. Something told you that Tommy had mentioned bringing you along before. 

After the meeting, you hung back with Tommy and waited until Marlene was alone. 

“This is the friend I told you about,” he said, nodding at you. Marlene looked you over. 

“So you’re the doctor,” she said. 

“So they tell me.” 

“Tommy says you’re doing some research,” she said. You glanced at him. “I’d be curious to learn more.” 

“Not a lot to say at the moment,” you shrugged. “I’m trying to use some preexisting research on slowing the growth of fungal infections to see if I can develop a way to stop cordycep progression after transmission. Like an emergency injectable or, maybe someday, a vaccine. So we can have time to excise or amputate the infected tissue. I haven’t found anything that works yet, though.” 

“What if you thought a little bigger,” Marlene said. 

“Bigger.” 

“Bigger,” she nodded. “Bigger like a cure. Like it doesn’t matter if you’re bitten beyond needing some stitches. Bigger like we get our fucking planet back.” 

You laughed for a moment before you realized that she was being serious. 

“You’re talking about developing a cure for cordyceps,” you looked at her. 

“I am,” she said. “And I’d like your help. You don’t have to only develop what FEDRA wants…” 

“FEDRA barely tolerates the work I’m doing now,” you scoffed. “I’m not developing this for them, I started doing this on my own and my boss was willing to let me use some facilities to do it in…” 

“But a cure…” 

“A cure is so far beyond unlikely,” you said. “We have nothing to build a cure off of. Right now, I’m looking for a bandaid…” 

“Bandaids don’t do much for bullet holes,” she replied. 

“When you’re the one patching people up, you come talk to me about bandaids,” you snapped. “Until then, let the professionals handle it.” 

She laughed darkly. 

“Didn’t think you’d be such a supporter of FEDRA,” she said. 

“I’m not,” you replied. “I’m just a realist. I wish FEDRA just didn’t exist but they do and we’re stuck in the reality we’re stuck in. I’m not going to sit here and wait for some magical cure to manifest, I’m going to work with what I have and try to do what I can to make it better.” 

She considered you for a moment. 

“If your research pans out,” she said. “Would you consider sharing the formula with us?” 

“Yes,” you said. “Of course. I plan to give it to anyone who asks for it. A hope for survival shouldn’t be a tool for power, I don’t intend on just giving it to FEDRA to leverage as they see fit.” 

“We have a lab,” she said. “Out west. We could provide you all the support you’d need…” 

“No,” you shook your head. “No, I’m not going out there with infected and raiders if I can help it. And my life is here. My friends are here, the clinic, the kids at the school… I’m not going anywhere.” 

She sighed. 

“Well, Tommy knows how to reach me,” she said. “If you change your mind. Which I hope you do. You would be an asset to our mission.” 

Tommy walked you back to your place in silence. He stopped outside your door and you just sighed. 

“You’re being an idiot with them,” you said. “Don’t let it get you killed.” 

You doubted he listened to you.

Marta poked her head into the break room. 

“Just got word from the front gate,” she said. “They’re heading our way.” 

“That’s my cue,” Jess said, getting up and stealing a kiss from Andrew. “See you when you get home. Try not to wear yourself out.” 

“I make no promises,” he said. She rolled her eyes, waved by to you, and left. 

Andrew looked at you. 

“Ready to get fucked by FEDRA?” He asked. 

“Sounds like your average Friday to me,” you replied, cracking your neck, downing the rest of your water and heading to the exam area. 

Things went smoothly at first. Marta and Andrew divided the men up, each of them handling intake for half of the 100 or so troops FEDRA was sending in from other QZs and training facilities. Then, the men went back to the exam area where you and the other doctors and nurses did quick exams and sent them on their way. You were on your 14th exam when you knocked once on the exam room door and went inside, without paying much mind to the name on the chart. “Hello,” you said, opening the file. “I’m…” 

“I remember you.” 

You looked up. Your stomach clenched. You had to swallow to keep from vomiting. Your heart pounded. Your hands shook. It took everything you had to not run. 

You looked down at the file in your trembling hands, skipping over the first name and going to the last, even though it was burned in your memory, just like his face. 

McCarthy. 

“Always wondered if you’d made it through,” he smirked at you. “You look good, hardly know it’d been 12 years. How old were you then?” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” your throat was dry. “I’m just here to do a quick exam.” 

“Oh, c’mon now, I know what we had was more memorable than that,” he said, looking you up and down. Your stomach turned. “Know it was for me. You had… Well let’s just say, been looking for a girl to measure up since.” 

“I just need to take some vitals,” you managed, getting the blood pressure cuff off the wall. 

You barely remembered taking his vitals. Everything sounded like a high pitched whine, you could hardly hear or register anything he said. You were hyper aware of the feel of everything in your body, of every blood vessel, every muscle, every function. Breathing took conscious effort. So did blinking, swallowing. All you wanted to do was throw up. 

After what felt like an eternity, you stepped back from him. 

“You’re all set, Officer McCarthy,” you said. 

“Have to look you up now that I’ll be in town,” he smirked. “Good to know that I can just start here.” 

You knew your eyes must look like dinner plates, so wide and afraid. He seemed to like that. 

“See you around, Doc.” 

He winked, closing the door behind him. The second he was out of the room, you locked the door and doubled over the trashcan, throwing up. Your body just rejected everything you’d eaten that day, coughing and choking in its rush to expel it. 

You’d spent the last 12 years pretending that McCarthy didn’t exist. That it had never happened. When he came to mind, you tried to shove the thoughts down, tried to avoid them, deny that there was anything to think about to begin with. 

You rinsed your mouth out in the sink and tried to keep your tears under control before you rushed out of the exam room to find Dr. Lee. 

Thankfully, he was just stepping out of an exam room when you did. 

“Lee,” you said quickly. “I need you to cover for me, I have to go home.” 

He groaned. 

“Come on, we’re slammed…” 

“I know,” you said, looking up at him. “But how often do I ask to go home early? I have to go home, I can’t…” 

He looked at you and frowned. 

“Yeah,” he said. “Get out of here.” 

You all but sprinted for the door and out into the sun. You took moment when you got outside, doubling over with your hands on your knees to catch your breath before starting your walk home. You needed to curl up under your blanket, feel safe in your own space. It seemed like you might snap in half if you didn’t. You’d just started to calm down, to get your heart to stop racing, when McCarthy stepped out from an alley and grabbed your wrist, pulling you back down it with him. 

You froze as he put your back against the wall, his arms caging you in. 

“Now I know you remember me, pretty thing,” he smirked. “I’m the guy who saved your life, the lives of those kids you were with, you wouldn’t forget a guy like me…” 

“You have me confused with someone else,” you could barely talk. He ran his nose over your cheek, smelling you. 

“Bet you still feel the same,” he said. “Bet I could find out…” 

“Please,” you choked. “I just…” 

“Hey!” 

Suddenly McCarthy’s body was pulled away from yours and Joel was in front of you. 

“The fuck is this?” He asked, facing McCarthy. Your hand went to your chest, clutching the fabric of your shirt, desperate to get your heart to slow down. “Because it looked an awful lot like you were hasslin’ this girl.” 

“No trouble,” he said. “Just… an old friend. We go way back, all the way back to the outbreak. Don’t we, Sugar?” 

Joel looked over his shoulder to you but you couldn’t bring yourself to look at him. 

“Get the fuck out of here,” Joel snapped. “Catch you botherin’ her again you’ll regret it.” 

“Careful who you talk to,” McCarthy tried to step up to him, but Joel had several inches on him. “Probably don’t want to piss off a FEDRA officer.” 

“I don’t give a shit who I piss off,” he growled. “Get the fuck out.” 

He stood there and watched him go before he turned to you. 

“Hey, Baby,” he said gently, reaching for you. You flinched back, your stomach turning. 

“Please don’t touch me,” you managed. 

“I just want to help…” he began but you cut him off. 

“I know,” you said. “But just… don’t touch me, please don’t touch me, just don’t touch me…” 

“Won’t touch you,” he said, hands up. “Promise.” 

You nodded quickly, trying to not hyperventilate. 

“Want to talk about it?” He asked, standing close enough that he could catch you if you fell, far enough that you didn’t feel like you needed to cower away from him. You managed to shake your head. “Want me to get someone? Like Andrew or Jess or… I could get Tommy.”

You just shook your head again, holding onto the wall, trying desperately to ground yourself. Joel hovered, watching you. 

“I’ll be fine,” you glanced up at him. “You don’t need to stay…” 

“Not going to just leave you here like this,” he said, voice gruff. “Especially if you won’t tell me why.” 

“Doesn’t matter,” you said, standing up straight and leaning back against the wall. You took a deep breath, closing your eyes and focusing on your diaphragm, pushing it low in your stomach to draw as much air into your lungs as you could. You breathed out slowly. 

“You left work early for it,” he said. You lifted your head off the wall and opened your eyes, looking at him. He shrugged. “I try to stay away from you. Usually safe over here right now.” 

You scoffed a little. 

“Didn’t know I made it unsafe for the big bad smuggler,” you tried to smile but you weren’t sure that it worked. Judging from Joel’s expression, it didn’t. “Really, it’s fine. I’m just going to go home, have a drink, put on some music. Maybe take a bath. I’m fine.” 

“Who was the asshole?” He asked. 

You winced. 

“I really don’t want to talk about it, Joel,” you said. “I just really don’t, OK? Please don’t make me. And please don’t say anything to anyone about it, I’d just rather pretend this never happened, OK?” 

“Tell me who he is and I’ll drop it,” he said. “Won’t tell anyone.” 

You searched his face for a moment. 

It had been a long time since you’d been this close to Joel. Probably since the night you’d walked him back to the QZ with his broken leg. 

It hadn’t been as complete of a shut out as the year before, at least. Not this time. You’d occasionally bumped into him when out running errands. He’d give you a nod of acknowledgement, which was better than you’d really expected. He’d come into the clinic once - you saw him in the waiting room - but Andrew put him with another doctor. You’d even seen him once at his apartment. You’d come by when Tommy said to meet him there, he’d said not to worry about Joel. But Joel came home as you stood in his living room, waiting for Tommy to grab the last of whatever it was he needed for whatever it was you were going to do - you’d since forgotten all that, too distracted by seeing Joel. He’d just stood there for a second, frozen, looking at you. You’d smiled tightly at him. He just went to his room, brushing past Tommy on his way by. 

His hair was starting to gray, but otherwise, he looked the same as he had for as long as you’d known him. His picture was still on your bedside table. You slipped it into a drawer if you were having Tommy over or you were seeing someone but outside of that, you had a reminder of what he looked like before beside you all the time. It still killed you to look at him, made your heart ache with missing him and who he was to you once. 

In spite of everything that had happened between you, you didn’t think he would hurt you on purpose. 

“I don’t know his first name,” you said, looking down at his feet. “His last name is McCarthy.” 

You managed to look back at his face. 

“Please, Joel,” you begged. “Don’t tell anyone, please don’t tell anyone. I just want to pretend like it never happened and I can’t… if people know I…” 

You were starting to hyperventilate again. You closed your eyes and forced yourself to take a deep breath and hold it for a moment before releasing it slowly. You looked back at Joel. 

“I’ll do just about whatever you want, just please don’t tell anyone,” you said quietly. 

“Won’t tell anyone,” he said. 

You nodded, relieved. 

“I’m walkin’ you home though,” he frowned. “In case that fucker shows up again.” 

You just nodded, not feeling up for fighting with him. You tried to gather yourself for a moment and then started off, Joel staying an almost awkward distance from you as you made your way through the QZ. Like he wanted to be close but not so close that he might risk accidentally touching you or have someone thinking you were walking anywhere together. He didn’t say anything, just looked over at you every minute or two like you were a bomb he was expecting to explode. 

“Thank you,” you said, stopping at the communal door to your building. “I appreciate your help with him. I wasn’t prepared for that, I will be now.” 

He just nodded gruffly. 

“It was…” you paused. “I don’t know if good to see you is the right word but… It was nice. Seeing you.” 

He paused, looking you over for a moment. 

“You too.” 

He crossed his arms, watching you. It took you a second to realize that he was waiting for you to go inside. You opened the door. 

“Night, Joel.” 

“Night, Kid.” 

***

Joel waited until you were inside to go lean against the building opposite yours, in an alcove where he was tucked away and largely out of sight. He was pretty certain this McCarthy fucker hadn’t followed you but he wasn’t about to take any chances. 

Whatever that asshole had done, it was bad. Joel had only ever seen you that horrified once, when a raider had his hand around your throat. The way you’d panicked when he’d reached for you… 

He ground his teeth. He needed to know what this man did to you so he could make sure it wouldn’t happen again. 

Joel stood sentry outside your apartment for hours. After the clinic closed, he saw Andrew go up, but he was only there for a few minutes. You must have lied to him, he doubted he would have left if you’d told him the truth of it. He waited until curfew was only minutes away and went home, making it inside just in time. 

“Out late,” Tommy observed, sitting on the couch. 

“Got held up,” he said. 

“Trade go bad?” He asked. 

“Turned out OK,” Joel replied. 

Tommy didn’t press. He wondered if you’d ever told Tommy whatever had happened. The two of you had stayed close after breaking up, you might have told him something you’d never told Joel… 

He could think of just one person who would almost certainly know. McCarthy had mentioned the outbreak. Andrew must know, must have some idea. 

Tommy went to bed but Joel stayed up. He’d told you that he wouldn’t tell anyone. You’d begged him not to tell anyone. But he needed to keep you safe and to do that, he needed to understand the threat. But what you didn’t know wouldn’t hurt you. 

The moment curfew lifted in the morning, Joel was out the door, walking quickly to Andrew’s. He had to pound on the door a few times and it took a few minutes for him to answer, looking half asleep. 

“Miller,” he said, stifling a yawn. “Thought I wouldn’t have to deal with your shit anymore.” 

“McCarthy,” Joel said quickly. “FEDRA guard. Name mean anything to you?” 

Andrew’s eyes went wide for a moment before he grabbed Joel by the shoulder and pulled him inside, closing the door behind him. 

“Where’d you hear that name,” he asked. He looked wide awake now. 

“Not important,” Joel said. “Who is he. What’d he do to her.” 

“He here?” Andrew growled. 

“Tell me what he did.” 

He looked Joel up and down before he laughed darkly. 

“God, you never even tried with her, did you?” He asked. “To busy with your own shit so she never told you…” 

“What did he do.” 

Andrew glanced down the hall, making sure Jess was still asleep and looked back to Joel, his voice low. 

“He fucking raped her is what he did,” he spat. Joel’s stomach twisted. “She’s never called it that, she never calls it anything. She likes to pretend it never happened but that’s what it was.” 

“What happened.” Joel’s teeth were clenched. His whole body was coiled like a spring. He needed to hit something, the energy and rage needed to go somewhere. 

“We came to a check point,” Andrew said. “Two guards, both armed, three of us. I was a kid, I was 18 but I was a kid and Jessica… She was trying to take care of us. They had guns and he told her the way to get through, made it clear he’d start shooting if she didn’t listen. She gave me the gun, told me to protect Jessica, he took her to the woods… She never told me what happened, she never talked about it. She just came out different. I should have fucking killed him, I should have shot him the second she gave me the gun…” 

Joel felt like he was going to be sick. He’d left you. You’d been alone with two children and his child inside you and you’d been forced…

“Where is he?” Andrew snarled. “I’m going to rip him apart…” 

“One of us needs to be there for her and it can’t be me,” Joel replied. “Needs to be you. She trusts you. You take care of her, I’ll take care of him.” 

Andrew looked like he wanted to fight him for it but eventually he gave him just a single, stiff nod. Joel turned to leave before he turned back to him. 

“Pretend you don’t know,” he said. “Promised I wouldn’t say anything but… Couldn’t protect her if I didn’t know what I was protecting her from.” 

“When are you doing it?” Andrew asked. 

“Today,” he said. “I’m going to hers now, make sure he doesn’t show up. I’ll get her to work OK and take care of him, dump him somewhere tonight.” 

“He shows up at the fucking clinic and I’ll kill him,” Andrew said, his voice eerily calm. “I don’t give a shit.”

Joel nodded once. This was the first time he remembered ever really liking Andrew. He could leave you in his hands at the clinic and you would be safe, that he knew. 

He all but ran to your apartment, leaning against the building across from yours, waiting for you to come downstairs. He’d been waiting for about an hour when he spotted you. You’d French braided your hair, like you were expecting a long day. You hadn’t put on ribbons. 

He caught you quickly. 

“Good morning,” he said, falling into step beside you. You nearly jumped out of your skin. “Sorry, wasn’t tryin’ to scare you.” 

“What are you doing here?” You asked, frowning up at him. 

“Making sure you get to work safe,” he said. You clearly hadn’t slept, you looked exhausted. 

“I’m fine, really,” you said, continuing on. Joel walked beside you. You frowned at him again but didn’t argue the point. He walked you to the front door of the clinic in silence, you just giving him a tight smile and a small wave before going inside. Joel found a spot near the door he could wait, make sure McCarthy didn’t come in before Andrew got there. 

Andrew spotted him on his way in, stepping over to him and keeping his voice low. 

“He probably came in with the transfer guards that showed up yesterday,” he said quietly. 

“Temp housing,” Joel said. 

“Exactly,” Andrew replied. He looked Joel up and down. “Good luck, Miller.” 

With your friend on site, Joel finally felt safe leaving you. 

Moving to hurt the man who hurt you quickly eased the tightness in his chest. He may have failed you 12 years ago but he wasn’t going to fail you now. 

He went home and got supplies. He didn’t intend to make McCarthy’s death easy. He needed to make sure he had what he needed to make it worthwhile. 

Joel stood at the edge of the small market that was near the temporary housing for FEDRA employees. He figured McCarthy would need to come through here at some point. He was right. 

Shortly after noon, McCarthy came through the stands, pondering what there was to buy. Joel waited until precisely the right moment, reaching out and grabbing the man by his collar and pulling him into a darkened alleyway. He yelped but it wasn’t loud and it didn’t take the man long to recognize Joel. 

“You again,” he smirked. “Here to apologize?” 

“Here for information,” he growled. “What did you do to her.” 

“To who?” The man smirked challenging him. 

It was a dumb move. Joel was so mad he couldn’t see straight. He grabbed the man by the throat and thrust him into the wall, hard enough to make him cough and choke. 

“Tell me,” he demanded. 

Now, the man just looked scared. He punched McCarthy hard across the face, enough to knock him out, and slung him over his shoulder, moving quickly for the abandoned building he’d spotted earlier. 

He ducked inside, going for an interior room where his screams wouldn’t be heard. 

There was a chair in the room, and old folding one. He tied the man to the chair and smacked him to bring him around. 

“What the fuck?” He looked around, straining against his ties, his eyes wide. “You don’t know who you’re fucking with…” 

“I know exactly who I’m fucking with,” Joel said. “I think it’s you who doesn’t know.”

He pulled out his knife and took the second chair and pulled it up close to McCarthy’s, getting right in his face. 

“Tell me what you did to her,” Joel said. 

“Look,” he said quickly. “It was the outbreak…” 

Joel sighed, opening the knife and shoving it into the man’s thigh. He screamed, doubling over as well as he could given his bonds. Joel smiled. 

“You’re going to tell me what you did to her,” he said. “I want to know it all. Tell me what you did to her.” 

“Please,” he whimpering now. “I swear…” 

Joel pulled a pair of pliers from his pocket. He held McCarthy’s head still as the man started begging and pleading. It fell on deaf ears. He pressed the pliers around his one of his middle teeth and pulled. 

It felt good, expending energy this way. He was taking action, doing something. It didn’t even feel like he needed to pull that hard. 

McCarthy screamed, blood pouring from his mouth. Joel gave him a moment to catch his breath, watching him bleed. He liked his blood. He wanted to see more of it. 

“What did you do to her?” He asked through clenched teeth. 

“She wanted it!” He sobbed. 

“Wrong answer,” Joel ripped the knife from his leg and thrust it into his shoulder. The man screamed again. “What did you do to her.” 

“Took her into the woods!” He screamed, panting for breath. Joel gave him a minute to pant. He could wait. 

After a minute he spoke again. 

“How did you get her to the woods, McCarthy?” He asked. The man’s eyes glistened with tears. 

“I…” his voice cracked. “I told her I could give them a code to get through the other checkpoints in exchange…” 

“In exchange for what?” Joel patted the man’s knife wound on his leg. He cried out again. 

“In exchange for sex!” He cried out. “I told her I’d trade sex for safe passage, said I didn’t know the next time I’d see a woman, I didn’t want to waste it…” 

“Did you have a gun?” Joel asked. The man looked confused. He grabbed his face, holding his cheeks harshly in his fingers, forcing him to look at Joel. “When you told her you’d trade for sex, did you have a gun?” 

“Yes,” he sobbed. “Yes, I had a gun…” 

“So you threatened her,” he said. “You threatened her and the children she was with.” 

“No,” he man moaned. “That’s not… I swear, it wasn’t like that…” 

Joel sighed and pulled the knife from the man’s shoulder before he thrust it into his uninjured leg. McCarthy wailed. 

“I threatened her!” He panted, gasping. “I knew what I was doing, I wanted her and knew how I could get it so I threatened her…” 

“And you took her into the woods,” Joel said. The man nodded. “With your gun.” He nodded again. “What did you do then?” 

“Told her to get undressed,” he groaned. “Told her she had great tits… once she was naked, told her to lie down…” 

He choked and cried. Joel sighed, reaching over and smacking his face, forcing him to look at him. 

“Then what,” Joel’s voice was harsh. 

“I…” he swallowed. He looked terrified. “I got on top of her…” His voice broke. “Please….” 

“What. Next.” 

“I put my dick in her,” he groaned. He was crying now. “I fucked her…” 

“That’s not what you did, is it?” Joel grabbed his hair, holding his face close to his own. “Call it what it was McCarthy!” He screamed it. “What did you do to her!” 

“I raped her,” he sobbed it out. Joel released his hair. 

“Where’d you touch her,” he asked. He looked confused. “You touched her when you raped her, right? Where.” 

“Her chest,” he sniffed. “Hips, waist…”

Joel remembered the parts of you that made you freeze when he touched them, parts of you that never made you freeze before. He wasn’t sure you even knew you did it. Now he knew why.

“That it?” Joel asked. He nodded. “You cum in her?” 

“Please…” 

Joel pulled the knife from his leg. 

“You don’t seem to fucking get it,” he growled, getting in his face. “I like hurting you. I want to hurt you. I don’t need much reason to but you saying please? Makes me want to hurt you more. I want to fucking flay you alive every time I hear you beg. So answer the goddamn question,” Joel thrust the knife into McCarthy’s other shoulder. “Or I will do what I want.” 

“Yes!” He cried it out. “I did, I came in her…” 

Joel sat back, panting for breath for a moment, looking McCarthy up and down. He was covered in blood. He was weak, slumped over like he couldn’t hold himself up.  

Joel wasn’t done with him. 

“You know she was pregnant when you did that?” He asked. McCarthy lifted his head just enough to look at Joel. He shook his head. “Well, she was. With my kid.” 

He stood up, rolling his sleeves up to his elbows. 

“I wasn’t there to protect her then,” he said, flexing his fingers before curling them into fists. “But I am now. Can’t let you live with what you did, McCarthy. I have to kill you for her. But when I make it hurt? That’s for me.” 

He swung, punching him in the middle of his stomach, knocking the air out of him. 

“And I’m going to like it.” 

***

The clinic had been fairly quiet that day, quiet enough that your mind wandered to places you didn’t want it to. 

Andrew was no help. He was oddly withdrawn, only really responding when prompted, not initiating much conversation himself. But he didn’t fight you when you put on Joni Mitchell, so you were taking what you could get. You were dreading going home but didn’t have a reason to tell Andrew you wanted to sleep over, either. You were debating about how up front you wanted to be when there was yelling outside the clinic. 

“Help!” Someone screamed. You looked to Andrew for just half a second before running for the doors. 

Two FEDRA soldiers were hauling in a third man, holding him by his underarms and knees, the man’s body totally limp. He was so covered in blood you were almost certain he couldn’t still be breathing. 

“Jesus Christ,” you said before yelling over your shoulder. “Kristen! Trauma!” You turned your attention back to the men. “What happened?” 

“Don’t know,” one said. “Just found him like this, he transferred in with us there’s no way someone here hates him enough to do this yet…” 

“Let’s get him back,” you said, Kristen running up to you as you headed back toward the exam rooms and the surgical suite. “We need O-, a lot of it…” She glanced around you to the injured man.

“Not sure that’ll make a damn difference,” she said but she ran to obey. 

“We’ll start him in an exam room,” you said quickly. “Want to try to maintain a sterile area in the OR but I’m sure we’ll need it…” 

They carried him into the exam room and lifted him onto the table. You quickly washed your hands and gloved up before diving in, looking the man over. Kristen ran in with the O- and quickly hung it as you cleaned up a place on his arm to start a transfusion. 

“Do you even know who this is?” You asked the men who carried him in. The man’s face was beaten beyond any kind of recognition. His lower lip was barely hanging on, eyes swollen shut, nose crushed. 

“He had his dog tags,” one man said. “It’s Lewis McCarthy…” 

You froze, your stomach twisting. Your head spun. 

“Doc, I don’t think we can do much here,” Kristen said from McCarthy’s side. ���He’s lost so much blood…” 

“We should try,” you said, on autopilot. You tried to find the worst injuries on the man. He was missing teeth. He’d been stabbed numerous times. His whole body was covered in blood and bruises, not a single inch of him left unscathed. You swallowed before pulling down his pants to see what might be on his legs when you saw it. 

“Oh my God,” you jumped back from the table and into Andrew, who’d come into the exam room at some point and you hadn’t noticed. He caught you. 

“What?” Kristen asked before looking herself. “Oh!”

She jumped back, too. 

Where McCarthy’s penis had been, there was nothing. Just an open wound. One of the men who brought him in gagged and ran for the trash can, throwing up. You stared at it, the place where the part of him he’d weaponized against you had been torn away. Andrew held onto you. 

“We’re losing him,” Kristen said, her hand on his neck. “Doc, I don’t think… there’s nothing we can do here, there’s nothing we can do with this.” 

You nodded, shaking as Andrew kept you upright. He looked to the men. 

“You should go,” he said. “Don’t need to see this.” 

They nodded, trembling as they left. 

“I’ll go get a bag,” Kristen said, staring wide eyed at him. “Stuff to start clean up…” 

She left you and Andrew alone with the body. 

“Andrew,” you whispered. “Did you talk to Joel?” 

“He had questions,” he said, voice flat. 

“Oh my God,” you stared at the body. “What did he do?” 

“The right thing,” he said, squeezing your shoulder. “The right fucking thing.” 

A/N: AHHHHHHH THE McCARTHY CHAPTER. I've been waiting for Joel to go off on him since chapter 8 and we finally got here. So satisfying to write, hopefully satisfying to read!

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Thank you, everyone, for reading and commenting! It's been a dream to see how people feel about this piece while I'm writing it. Love you all, thank you for taking the time to read my work <3

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#joel miller x female reader #joel miller x reader #joel miller x you #fanfic

[glassartpeasants]

A Burning Heart

Shigaraki Tomura x F!Reader x Dabi

Warnings: Angst, abusive relationship, cheating, burn trauma, burn scars, toxic people, reader beats a bitch up

A/N: i tried

~~~

"It's not fair, is it? Watching him love another? Knowing that it's not you? That it'll never be you?"

Your toxic thoughts ate away at your heart as you saw him sitting at the bar with a girl sitting next to him, holding his hand.

Jealousy was a common occurrence whenever she came around. She got him to love her so quickly while you'd been trying for months for him to notice you in any romantic way.

Maybe you were too shy. Maybe you didn't have the confidence she did. Her confidence was admirable to you. Hopefully, one day, you'd have the same confidence as her. But for now, you'll watch from the shadows.

~~~

The sound of footsteps coming up from behind you made you spin your head around as you saw her entering the kitchen. 

"Hey!"

"Hi…?" Her chipper attitude was a change in pace. Toga had one, but it didn't feel the same as hers did.

"Do we have any ingredients to make anything? I don't think I can stomach any more McDonald's or ramen anymore." She laughed as she smiled at you. You couldn't help but laugh in return.

"I don't think so, unfortunately. Food is hard to come by when you're a villain." You weren't lying. Times with food have been much tougher ever since the heroes have been cracking down. 

"Hmm. That's a shame. Maybe we could disguise ourselves to get food!"

“We don’t have any money.”

“You guys are villains! Since when was money a problem?” Oh yeah. She wasn’t a villain. How could you have forgotten? She loved to talk about what she did that day when she wasn’t hanging out with Shigaraki. It's not like you were jealous or anything. You chose this lifestyle, so it’s your fault. Right?

Your reason for being a villain wasn’t that bad. At least that's what a few people have told you. 

~~~

You can remember the cheers people gave your boyfriend when he walked out coughing with the child in his arms. Remembering your own voice as you gave him a big kiss, calling him a hero. You remember the spark in his eyes when you said that. At first, you thought it was just something small, but you’d soon learn that wasn’t the case.

He tried desperately to get his hero license. No matter what, if there was a way to prove himself, he’d do it. He’d cancel out on date nights, started being suspicious of everything, using his quirk on things around the shared house. 

“What are you doing?!” You remember when you caught him using his quirk in the house. It was only made worse since it was fire based.

“Oh, calm down! Nothings gonna happen!” As soon as he said that, he let out a sneeze which caused him to lose concentration, and a small flame of his quirk hit the curtains, setting them a blaze not even seconds later. 

You both tried putting it out but when you realized it wasn’t going to happen, you called the fire station as you desperately tried to grab anything sentimental. Even if it meant getting burned in the process. 

The fire raged, and soon the house was engulfed in flames as you stood outside with what things you could carry as you started crying. Not a single peep from teh man who caused it.

You were taken to the hospital as you had gained some burns. Both of your arms, some on your left calf and a small patch on your face.The scars still with you today. 

You can't remember if he visited you in the hospital.

After the day he saved that child, he wasn't yours anymore. Now, he was theirs. If only you would have saw it sooner. 

When you were okay to go home after the fire, he looked at you differently. Not the same look he use to give you. Not a loving one, but a disappointed one. 

He spent more and more time away from home and began working even harder to become a pro hero, and finally, after so long, he got his provisional hero license. One step away to becoming a pro hero he said.

He wasn't a hero to you.

His license gave him the ego to think he could act however he wanted to you whether it be cruel words or dismissing concerns. He was ignoring your calls and texts. 

Or even cheating and getting rough with you.

You remember your heart breaking and tears pouring down your face as you heard the sounds of sex coming from your shared bedroom. You heard the words that slipped from your lover and his mistress's mouth.

"When are you gonna end it with that scarred freak?"

"I've been trying, but I've been busy with hero work. Trust me; I haven't loved that thing in a long time."

In a moment of rage and heartbreak, you took to whatever platform you could and told your story to anyone that would listen. 

It instantly got attention. With him being an upcoming hero, all spotlight was on him for a minute, so hearing any slight drama was like bees to honey.

To prove you were a thing with the upcoming hero, you took a video going throw a photo book you made with him and you. 

People sent you pics of him being seen with a different upcoming female hero. Kissing her and touching her that only lovers were supposed to touch.

Not even five minutes later, the sound of your boyfriend yelling out a loud 'FUCK' echoed throughout your shared house. 

All you could do was turn on the TV and watch the news. Knowing that any moment he'd come down and see you. With black tears rolling down your face as your mascara was ruined. 

You couldn't believe you dressed up for a cheater.

His footsteps echoed through the hall as he ran down the steps before stopping and seeing you sitting on the couch. 

Out of the corner of your eye, you could see him wearing only boxers and saw the girl behind him hiding her body with what used to be the comforter you shared.

"What have you done?!" His angered voice rang through your ears as you slowly turned to look at him. A look of shock passed his eyes before turning back to rage.

"Why? What have I done to deserve this betrayal? I've done nothing but love you and support you. And yet, I get called a scarred freak, a thing, and who knows what else you've said about me behind my back." You also look at the girl who tries to escape your gaze and hide behind your supposed lover.

"You owe me no loyalty. Therefore, it was probably easier for you to sleep with a taken man. If he'll cheat on me, he'll cheat on you. But, you can have him. I don't want him anymore. He's all yours." The girl said nothing but looked at you with a smug yet annoyed look.

"Do you know what you've done?! My hero career could be finished!" He stomped towards you before grabbing the remote and turning off the TV. You can see heat slowly rise through his hands.

"Cheaters never prosper. You shouldn't be a hero if you can hurt someone so casually and not think twice." The sound of flames rang through your ears as you saw his hand covered in it. Fear coursed through you, but you didn't dare let it show.

You didn't get time to react before a burning pain hit your already scarred cheek. A hit so strong it forced your head around. Another searing pain happened not long after when you felt his hand wrap around your throat before lifting you up in the air. The familiar burning pain from before started, and it only made it harder to breathe.

"You've cost me EVERYTHING!"

"Hey, hey! Let her go!" Through your newly shredded tears, you could see the mistress trying to pry his arms away from you, but nothing worked. 

You desperately tried kicking your feet at him and managed to kick him in his lower jaw causing him to drop you. 

"Fucking bitch!" A bright flame was tossed at you, and the familiar pain of being burned all those months before was brought back as the fire attacked healthy skin.

The flames caught onto the carpet, which quickly spread to the walls. You sat on the floor, too weak to get up, and you tried putting out the fire that had started on you.

Once your ex had seen the damage, he looked at you before grabbing his mistress and running out, leaving you to defend yourself. 

Looking back at it now. He probably intended for you to die. 

You did all the steps to try and put out yourself before trying all the windows since the door was now blocked by the flames that burned higher and higher.

Smoke entered your lungs as you tried to escape. The house was older than the old one you had, so the flames grew faster, and the windows were stuck shut. 

All except the 2nd-floor window. So, it was either death or suffering broken bones. 

And that's where you blacked out.

You woke up in the LOV infirmary. Toga had spotted you collapsing to the ground by the bar. At first, she was going to kill you but was then too curious about the burn scars that seemingly covered your body and the newly burnt wounds that you sustained.

You were afraid at first. Your quirk wouldn’t have done anything to protect you if they were to try anything, but seeing that they addressed your wounds gave you a sense of slight safety. Why would they kill you if they treated you?

It was only seconds after waking up is when you saw him.

~~~

Looking in the mirror was always the worst. Seeing how horrible you were scarred with there being nothing you could do about it made you feel like shit. It didn’t help when people would shoot comments your way and say horrible things to you. Even before you were a villain, people were so cruel.

“God! How can she go out in public like that?”

“Mommy, is that a monster?”

“With a face like that, I’d kill myself.”

Tears brimmed your eyes as you remembered how cruel people were to you and still are. They didn’t even know you and yet still said so harsh words. They claim to want a loving and peaecful society but go behind the scenes and treat people who did no wrong like this? The world will never be peaceful and loving as long as those scum exist.

You could feel your anger boiling over as you stared into the mirror, wishing it would break in fron tof you. But of course, it didn’t.

Stomping out of the bathroom, you go into the main area before laying on the couch farest away from the bar.

“Oof, what’s got Mrs. Flammable all upset?”

“Fuck off Dabi.”

“Ouch, such painful words.” The sound of female giggling echoed into the bar as you heard the voice of Shigaraki and his girlfriend sitting down on the bar top. Seeing them together is not what you needed right now. 

“(Y/N)?” Your eyebrows raise when you hear shigaraki’s girlfriends voice call out to you. Remembering her name wasn’t really on your priority list as you and her have never talked to one another outside of a few times.

“Yeah?”

“Can you make dinner tonight? I’m really tired.” You could have sworn that you told her yesterday that there wasn’t anything to eat.

“We don’t have anything to eat.”

“Well. Can you go get SOMETHING?” You could hear the annoyance in her voice. Unfortunately for her, the burns on your body has been flaring up recently and has been hurting a lot more than usual. So going to a store or stealing something would have been unbearable. Plus, why did you specifically have to go?

“I can’t. I’ve been in a lot of pain recently and no amount of healing ointment has been able to calm down the flare ups.” You always make sure you have ointment stocked but this was just oen of the times where it was useless.

“You don’t look that bad.”

“Oh sorry, would you like me to cry on the floor in pain? Scream in agony perhaps?” The sound of Dabi’s snickering filled the room as what sounded like other league members entering the bar lounge.

“Ask someone else to do it. I’m not going.” Putting your foot down was always a little hard for you, its even worse when your arguing with the boss’s girlfriend. You’d been there longer than her so you don’t know why she has to have superiority over you. Thinking about it harder, soon connected a lot of dots for you.

Toga and Magne told you one time on a mission on how shigaraki’s girlfriend was super passive aggressive and rude towards them. Telling you how she’ll act all nice in front of the rest of the boys but when it’s just all the her with Toga and Magne, she turns super mean.

It confused you a little thinking about it now. You were in a room alone with her once and she didn’t seem to be mean. Maybe it just went over your head as you were super sleepy when she approached you.

“Baby, im hungry. Tell her to go get me food please?” You could barely see the little glare she gave you before attaching herself to shigaraki’s arm and pouting. 

“(Y/N). Just listen to her and got get something alright?” You could see a small smirk ride up on her face.

“I’m not her fucking slave to do whatever she wants. I’m literally in excuritacting pain right now. I respect you as my boss in the highest degree but there is no way I’m going to put myself through horrible pain and the risk of getting caught. She has legs, she’s not a villain, she can get her ass up and do it herself.” All eyes seemed to be on you. The one that scared you the most were the ruby ones that dug into yoru soul.

“Guy guess what i got!” Spinners voice filled the room as everyone turns to look at him. In his hands, held bags of what were all different types of nonperishable foods.

“Ah! Look! Our knight in shinning armor has saved the day.” Letting out a laugh, you look at her with a glare before walking towards your room. Trying not to limp in pain the entire time.

~~~

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

“Fucking ughhh….who is it?” The pounding at your door woke you up with a headache as your eyes try to adjust.

“I need to talk to you.” The voice sounded familiar but you couldn’t put a face to it.

“It’s 8 in the morning. Whoever you are I’ll talk to you later.” Silence before the door opened up and light beamed into you room.

“Hey what the hell? You can’t just open my door like that!” Through the brightness, you can see the familiar figure of shigaraki’s girlfriend standing in your door frame.

“I said I needed to talk to you.”

“Just cause your the boss’s girlfriend doesn’t mean you get to go into peoples rooms without permission!”

“I can do whatever i want. Who’s going to stop me?” You furrow your brows as you get out of bed and stand up. You were only wearing a tank top and shorts so more of your scars were available to see. You could see her look at you up and down with a grossed out look on her face.

“Jesus. Your more fucked up that I though.” 

“You bang on my door, burst into my room withou tmy permission, then tell me how you think I look? Are you fuckign serious?”

“Yeah I am. Maybe it will give you a sign to fuck off my boyfriend.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“I see the way you look at Shigaraki. It’d take a fool to not notice it.”

“Okay? I zone out and stare at people what do you want me to do?”

“No, it’s more than just zoning out. I know you like him.” Venom seemed to be building up inside her as she looked at you with hatred.

“Yeah. I find him attractive but im not a homewrecker.” You rolled your eyes as you glare at he woman in front of you.

“Like he’d give you the time of day anyways ha!” rage soon started to boil inside you. You clench your fists together until they were white as you grit your teeth.

“What the fuck is that suppose to mean?” 

“It means he’d never like a disfigured freak like you-” 

CRACK

The sound on her body hitting the floor with a loud thud seemed to echo inside your room as you look down at her. She clutched her nose with her hand and you could see blood dripping out of the cracks of her fingers as she looks at you with wide eyes.

Before you knew it, you winded your fist back before throwing another punch towards her. Then another, then another, until all you could see is your fist flying down and punching her anywhere that you could.

The sound of her cries must have been loud enough to echo as everyone soon started running towards her cries, only to see you on top of her, beating her senseless. 

“(Y/N)! What the fuck are you doing?!” You couldn’t even hear them. All you could hear were her words repeating in your mind over ,and over, and over again. Each time it made you grow more angry.

Just then, you felt arms wrap themselves around you before picking you up and moving you away from teh cowering woman. You struggled to get out of whoever’s grip by kicking your legs and thrashing around.

“(Y/N)! What is going on?!” Dabi’s voice finally cuts through your rage and brings you back.

“I…punched her.” 

“Punched? More like beat the shit outta her! You almost turned her into a bloody mess! Your lucky I grabbed you before Shigaraki did!” His hands grab your arms as he looks at you. Looking back at him, you could feel tears brim your eyes as you bit your lips to try to keep from crying.

“She…she called me a disfigured freak! I-I couldn’t let her say that! I already h-hear it enough from people outside the league! I don’t need to hear it from people who’s s-suppose to be on the same side!” Hiccups and sobs erupted out of yoru throat as you cried to Dabi. You probably sounded like a blubbering mess. You probably looked horrible to. God you haven’t cried this hard in forever.

“I-I didn’t ask to look like this! I didn’t ask to be in pain almost every day! She doesn’t k-know what it’s like!” You could feel Dabi’s hold on your arms soften as your tears blurred your vision. You could feel your tears fall off your face and onto your shirt.

“You’re the only one that understand Dabi. Your the only one that knows what its like to hurt like this.” Dabi said nothing as just continued to listen to you speak. 

You didn’t know what you were thinking, but he was right there and at that moment, you just needed to feel someone next to you. 

Wrapping your arms around his body you hugged him gently. Crying harder in the process. You stammered out nonsense as you felt Dabi tense up before calming down. You thought he was gonna push you away but instead, you felt him wrap his arms around you too.

“Yeah. I do understand.” A hand slowly started petting your hair as you just listened to the sound of his heart while crying. 

“But you know what?” You look up at him through tearful eyes as he sends you a small smile.

“You may be a freak to them, but your beautiful to me.”

#mha #bnha #shigaraki tomura #tomura shigaraki #dabi #shigaraki x reader #tomura shigaraki x reader #dabi x reader #touya todoroki #toya todoroki

[ssa-atlas-alvez]

If you ever change your mind. (Hotch x male!reader)

@knightofchaos-universe thank you for replying with this song!! It was really helpful, this is like the first fanfic thing I've written in a hot minute, so yeah.

I didn't really know how to end it, so hopefully this was okay aha.

Description: Reader tells Aaron he loves him. (can be interpreted as gn!reader)

Warnings: angst? but not like descriptive I don't think, mentions of Haley, death but not heavily.

When you reached the hotel room, you both placed your bags on the desk. There was enough rooms for everyone on the team to have a room, only two people having to share. Naturally, everyone on the team immediately arguing that it should be you and Aaron should share.

You flung yourself onto the bed, Aaron doing the same with a little more grace. This case was exhausting to say the least, it had felt like one thing after another since you got off the jet.

"We don't get paid enough for this," Hotch huffed quietly.

You can't even remember the joke, but it had you wheezing.

"God I love you," You said with a laugh, shaking your head slightly. You both freeze.

Seeing him turn to you in the corner of your eye, you look at him. There was no way of describing the look on his face, other than pure sadness - anguish, almost.

"(Y/N), I-" He paused, frowning deeply. "I can't- It's too soon. Haley-"

"It's fine." Your reply is tight, as is your smile. "Really, it's okay, Aaron."

His first name slips out and sits in the air. You both laid in silence. You felt like you couldn't breathe. It wasn't exactly something that meant nothing to you, no. You had been crushing on this man for years. Literal years. You were there for him when Haley divorced him, when they went into witness protection, when Haley passed. You reassured him when he missed Jack's first steps, or a birthday. You were there for him the whole time. Because you loved him.

And you knew this wasn't his fault. You knew that. He was grieving, his childhood sweetheart had died. It was understandable, really, it was. But that didn't mean it didn't hurt you any less. Hearing it out loud? You felt like your heart was ripped out.

"I- I think I'm going to go crash with Morgan tonight-" You said, standing up quickly. You were up and out the door before Aaron could protest.

You knocked on his door, hoping he would open it immediately before Aaron could process what had happened and catch up to you.

"You okay man?" Morgan asked when you opened the door. You give him a nod, not saying anything - barely keeping it together. He sees right through you, but says nothing. Instead, he moves out of the way, letting you into the hotel room without any hesitation.

Apart from Aaron - Hotch. He was your best friend. "What's going on?" He asked, noting how your breathing is shaky as you sit on his bed. "Hey, talk to me," He's frowning now, the tips of his eyebrows tilting up in the way that only Derek Morgan can do.

"I told him I loved him." Your voice is quiet and Morgan nods, sitting next to you.

"What did he say?" The he in question, was obvious. Morgan would have been able to guess, even if you had not told him about the feelings you were developing for the Unit Chief.

"That he can't. Because of Haley."

"(Y/N)-"

"I told him it was fine. Because I understand, he's going through a lot, you know?" You cut him off, "But it feels like he's always coming up with an excuse without actually saying it, you know? And I know they're valid, I know. But like first it was 'I can't, I'm with Haley' then it was 'I can't I'm going for a divorce' and now- And I'm not even angry! I mean I am, but with me, not him! Because if he changes his mind, I don't- I'm worried I'm the one that will come up with an excuse. And it won't be an excuse about not wanting to cheat on my wife - because news flash, I'm so fucking single."

Morgan just stares, unsure of what to say. He made sure to just listen, that sometimes you needed to just get everything off your chest. "What do I even do now?" You asked quietly. "It's going to be so fucking awkward. All because my tongue slipped."

"It'll be okay," Morgan reassured gently, "It'll all be okay. It'll sort itself out, okay?"

#criminal minds #aaron hotchner #derek morgan #criminal minds fanfiction #x male reader #i didnt know how to end it #sorry if its shit lmao

[haikyuu-sins]

Good morning/midday/evening! I just wanted to tell you that I loved your writing about the Law x reader where he thought that the reader was in a relationship with one of her crewmembers. Can I request a fluffy Law x pregnant reader scenario if that's okay? Like, what kind of affection will he show toward the unborn? Will he talk to the bumb? Hug it, kiss it, talk to it, touch it lovingly?

Thank you and stay healthy.

PS: Your reaction to the requester of the aforementioned scenario being from Germany was so cute and... I don't know how to say it in English... Anyway, I just wanted to say I'm from Germany 😊

AHH! Oh my goodness!!! another person from Germany?! I still cannot believe that I have people all the way in GERMANY reading my works!! That is just so surreal to me to know my works reach that far and I’m so grateful that you (hopefully) enjoy my works! 🥰This also might be a little OOC for Law but i kind of see him opening up about some things in the process of the reader being pregnant. He might be a liiiittle bit more vulnerable. 

Warnings: Pregnant reader, just some sexual mentions, no actual sex, mostly fluff, teeny angst if you squint

Law x Pregnant!Reader

Law becoming a father was something that hadn’t crossed his mind. Even after years of being with you, bringing a child into the world of pirates wasn’t his first thought. There weren’t many things that scared Law, but seeing your growing belly and knowing that he had mere months left to get his shit together–that terrified him. Of course he remained calm and collected around you, but whenever he was alone, his mind raced. 

He felt nauseous knowing that soon, there was going to be another little human who relied on him to keep them not only safe, but alive. This little person wouldn’t be able to do anything for themselves and would solely rely on him and yourself. Law only grew up with a father for a short period of time. While he knew his father was a compassionate and kind man, the pirate didn’t always know how to relay that to others. Although now he would have to learn. 

He watched you walk out of your shared bathroom with a towel wrapped around you and lotion in your hand. You were close to six months and he was surprised with how big your belly had gotten. It didn’t feel like six months had gone by so quickly, yet here you were in all your pregnant glory. 

You watched the way his eyes traveled to your stomach and he bit his lip. You noticed that he did this when he was nervous and with a baby on the way, it was a lot. Your feet carried you over to the bed where he was sitting. 

“How are you feeling?” you ask him as you hand him the lotion bottle. 

“Shouldn’t I be the one asking you that?” Law takes the bottle and you unwrap your towel from your body. It was never a sexual moment, simply a something he enjoyed doing for you. While of course there were some wandering hands every so often, it was mostly just a relaxing time for you. 

This had become a relaxing routine for the two of you ever since your stomach began to grow. After you got out of the shower, or before you went to bed, Law would rub lotion on your belly. It made him feel so much closer to you and the baby. 

“I suppose,” you chuckle as you watch him pump the lotion onto his hand. “But I just want to know how you’re feeling about it right now. Have your feelings changed at all? Are you less nervous about it? It’s just so hard to believe we’re going to become parents in three months.” 

Law was silent for a moment before his hands that were wet with lotion began to roam your belly. “I wouldn’t say I’m any less nervous about it than I was when we first found out. I suppose I still haven’t exactly wrapped my head around it. I never thought I would be a father and I didn’t have very much time with mine…” he paused, “I think that’s what worries me the most. The two father figures in my life were there for such a short amount of time.” 

“Law.” You place your hands over his that are still rubbing in the lotion. “I know you’re going to be a great father. A bad father wouldn’t be this worried. Neither of us are going into this knowing everything. It’s a learning process and we’re going to do it together.” 

The soon to be dad squeezed your belly lovingly. Your encouraging words helped him process things a little and while it wouldn’t fully process until the baby actually got here, it helped for the time being. 

He bit his bottom lip before saying out loud “I might not be the best dad, but… I’m going to try.” 

Hearing those words made your heart swell with happiness. You watched him tenderly stroke your stomach and his eyes widened when he felt movement. The baby had never been the most active, only when Law had spoken to the bump. 

“I think they like your voice. I’ve always noticed that’s when he moves the most.” you tell him. “Whenever you talk to me he moves around.” 

Law smiles to himself with a sense of pride. Maybe he would be a good dad after all.

#one piece #trafalgar law #trafalgar law x reader #trafalgar law headcanons #law x reader #op trafalgar law #law headcanons #one piece trafalgar law #one piece headcanons #one piece x reader

[bewareofthenewphannie]

Hello misty! Here I am in your inbox again.

So how do you feel about gamingmas ending? And entering the worst content drought since you became a phannie?

How is your phannie journey going? Have you somehow grown even more fond of them recently? Did you find any new favorite videos/moments recently? Or did you get too distracted by gamingmas and not have that much time to watch anything else?

Hopefully our dads will come back to us soon so we don’t go too crazy. Happy holidays and I hope you have a happy dnp filled 2024

Heyy Sandra, always so happy to see you in my inbox! I extend your wishes right back to you, I hope you are having a nice break right now :)

Again, long answer under the cut!

So how do you feel about gamingmas ending? And entering the worst content drought since you became a phannie?

I honestly don't think I've processed it ending yet. I have gotten so used to them just always being here and us constantly having new things to talk about that it will take a moment to sink in that it's over now. Like what do you meannn we've had a new video every day for 24 days? How is it possible that I can actually scroll through the videos I was here for when they got released?

I'm back home right now, so I have other things to keep me occupied and I don't think I'll notice gamingmas ending as much as I would if I was alone. (Being able to drown unsuspecting victims (my siblings) in information about them has been really fun. I think they have quietly accepted that there is something wrong with me.)

The teeny tiny rational part that's left in me is almost relieved that gamingmas is over now because the daily uploads did take up a lot of mental space, so I think a calmer pace will actually be good for me.

But gods, it was fun and I am so glad I stuck around. Purely content wise it was soso good, I know I will rewatch most of these videos. But what truly made this experience for me was being on tumblr and seeing all the reactions and art and gifs. (If you're reading this gif makers, artists and editors I love you I love you I love you.) Man, it was so exciting, the energy was so cool and I loved how we were all just waiting for it together every evening. I think that's the thing I'll probably miss most about gamingmas, the certainty about new videos dropping and the event-like feeling it had.

Also, I usually really notice my mood dropping in winter but I have been doing really well this december, and while I did lose sleep over them occasionally I think overall gamingmas genuinely contributed to that.

So yes, I will be missing it but honestly, I'm mostly excited to see what the future brings because I think they really found a really great new (?) dynamic (between themselves obv but also with us) and some good new concepts. And I think bored phannie tumblr with withdrawal symptoms will be fun in the next few days.

How is your phannie journey going? Have you somehow grown even more fond of them recently?

I guess you could say I have grown more fond of them but in a different way. I was going to write that that first giddy excitement for them has worn off, but honestly, it truly hasn't. What has changed is that I have gotten...used to them being part of my life now? Like before gamingmas there was still a chance of me getting out of this unscathed but now it is too late. Okay, I know I like being dramatic, but what I mean by this is that now I know they'll stick around. Even if I started feeling more normal about them at some point, I would still keep up with them, I wouldn't stop...caring I guess.

Fandom wise, I keep settling more and more into this tumblr space and have gotten used to and very comfortable with the way things work around here. I really enjoy understanding the references (well, most of them anyways, and if I don't, I know who to ask). I like that by now I can guess which moments will be gifed and talked about. And that apparently the random things I say resonate with other people (I'm very used to just screaming into the void on the internet). Side note, wedding hill has been very entertaining to watch, even though I don't know enough nor truly feel like contributing to it.

Did you find any new favorite videos/moments recently? Or did you get too distracted by gamingmas and not have that much time to watch anything else?

I haven't had too much time (partially because of gamingmas, partially because of irl things) but I did dive into the radio shows a little bit and there are so many great moments in there. When I have some more time I will need to fully get into that. And the old liveshows!

I think the thing that shook me the most though was stumbling across "forever home" while listening to the stereo shows. It hit me completely unexpected (see my initial reaction). Something something happily phorever after, am I right?

(btw, I finally got through all of the stereo shows now and. I. need. more. Live shows, a podcast, something, pleaseee.)

I already have a mental list of things I really want to watch though and my "watch later" on youtube is overflowing, so I am definitely not running out of content any time soon.

So, in conclusion...

I am still very happy to be and stay here, but don't really mind things getting a bit calmer and I am genuinely very excited to see what the new normal they'll settle into next year will be like. And I am so here for the big things that will inevitably come (because something is coming, isn't it?).

Thank you for sticking around with me :)

#this still feels a bit surreal #if you'd told me three months ago I'd be here right now...I would've believed you actually because this is so very me #but I wouldn't have wanted to believe you. turns out this is working out so much better than I could've imagined #misty says things #answered asks #dan and phil

[sytokun]

If I may ask, I a bit curious on the timeline of your Rwby rewrite project, you made videos on a Rwby rewrite before but with a different name(s because I can’t remember if it had more than one name) What changed with the name? In fact what change about production after the details video about a Rwby rewrite(hopefully you know what I talking about) It ok if it just speak in general terms than any details, just interest in your process!

This is a good opportunity to talk about my history with RWBY AUs from start to finish, so thanks for this ask.

I first got infected with the AU bug during Volume 3, when shit started going down in Episode 6 and my mind was abuzz thinking about how the story was going to unfold. This led me to create Shattered Tomorrow, which was about the predicted events and aftermath of the Fall of Beacon.

This later moved to RWBY: Visions, which was just a catch-all term that my other AUs would be grouped into at the time (much like how Star Wars: Visions is a collection of AUs, oddly enough). I made a few videos of it, as well as a subreddit which is now dead since I transitioned my community to YouTube instead, where this sort of AU/rewrite content reaches more people.

However, I soon released a video that more or less kickstarted my RWBYTubing days in earnest: RWBY Needs A New Beginning. The large positive reception I got for it led me to create a Discord server to discuss the project, at which point it grew into a community group project, and was renamed into RWBY: Cherish.

However, it was my first time leading a community project, so it encountered numerous fatal hurdles - namely the "too many cooks" problem. Everyone was pitching idea, writing docs and proposing characters to populate the world, but none of it was translating into real, tangible results. It lost steam about a year in and I grew disillusioned, especially after the conclusion of Volume 6. I was very close to dropping the show and leaving the fandom entirely.

I decided to step away and took a month-long break from the project and anything RWBY. It took me a while for me to recentre myself and start looking at my ideas again without premature outside influence. What did I really want from this project? Why do I keep returning to it?

I started sketching again, reclaiming pride in my own ideas again. Then, I discovered Cold Kingdom's album, which sparked my first real concepts for what would become RWBY: Remnants. But at the time, I created these under the placeholder title: We Are The Hunt.

I started gaining confidence in my creative self again, and I regained motivation to start over; more importantly, I got back my love for RWBY, and it was here I realised that I'll never be truly able to leave it behind until I put out my version of it for the world. I put everything I knew about this new AU into a few illustrations, used a song I liked that conveyed the tone I pictured, edited them together, and finally released the first trailer for RWBY: Remnants.

For the first time, I had put out the ideas in my head into something tangible, something real. Something I could watch and share with others. It wasn't just a video of abstract promises, of me talking about how cool it would be in concept. Why spend all that effort describing something with the same effort I could use to make it a reality?

I realised that while others enjoyed my ideas and were passionate enough to help with it, I was the only person who could be responsible for it, and only I knew what I wanted it to be. With all those lessons in mind, I went ahead and launched RWBY: Remnants.

It's been a journey of over 6 years now, and it's still going. People who dismiss my AU work so far as a string of failed projects fail to realise that creation is an ever-changing thing. It changes its nature along with the person making it. Someone who makes something that's the same from start to finish has not learned anything about it or themselves from the process - they're making something stagnant, and a stagnant work reflects its creator.

I can't say that I'll stick with my RWBY AU forever, especially given RWBY's uncertain future, or even that I'll be able to finish all I wanted to accomplish. But as long as I'm still doing it, I've not regretted a single second.

This may be a project based on RWBY, but it's RWBY told through my own eyes. I count myself very lucky that a lot of people want to see me make it a reality, so I hope by telling it, I can inspire other people that they can do the same. You don't have to be a giant company or a team of hundred.

In my case, I just needed a small group I could trust to help me make it happen, and a lot of time. I'm grateful for that.

The one thing I learned the most in this experience is one word: Resolve. It's not a glorious, inspirational thing: I'm not pushing myself over a mountaintop or running a heartstopping marathon: but somehow, in spite of myself, I just draw a little every week.

I tell myself I shouldn't give up - not because of right or wrong - but because I know this is something that I will always return to. Something that will always welcome me back. Something about RWBY and this project constantly draws me back into it, like an unanswered question. It's an unusual drive I don't expect others to have, but whatever it is, something like that may exist for you in another form. I don't know if you wanna call it a life calling or whatever, but it's just... the thing you keep coming back to. It's like your inclination; your nature.

If I'm a pencil, it's in my nature to draw or write, even if I only take myself out of the drawer every month or so to do it. It doesn't change my character or my morals. I just do the thing, and the thing feels right to do.

6 years on, that's what working on this project feels to me at this point. Part of me wants to prove something to myself, and to share something with the world. But I think with enough consideration, I can probably live without those things. But even without them... I'm still going to do the thing. Because it feels right to do the thing. I like doing RWBY things, and I don't see a reason to stop anytime soon.

#rwby #rwby au #remnants #rwby rewrite #rwby cherish #rwby visions #we are the hunt #rwde

[journaldefafa]

Letter to 30

I have always wanted to do this -- where I talk to my future self. But somehow I always felt lazy to do so. Especially in video form. So here I am, a 25 year-old Fafa (one month before turning 26, shhh ;p), writing to 30-year old Fafa a sincere letter.

Hey Fadwa, not sure where to begin or what to say. So I'll start by stating where I am now, and where I would like to be by then. Today, I am in a good place in my life mentally. All those self-loathing, depressing thoughts are close to non-existant. I don't overthink like before, but I still have those occasional anxiety attacks. Unfortunately, if there's one issue that I am still not able to surpass is my body image and body dysmorphia. Especially the past few months, where I found myelf gaining weight and surrounded by people who are really triggering in terms of body image and body expectations. But whenever I feel like I'm about to spiral down into a rabbit hole, I'm able to just take a deep breath and trust the process. I introduced EMS to my life which makes me feel stronger and healthier. And I try, as much as I can, to control my food. Hopefully, I do see an improvement in my body soon. I have to add that I am still struggling with the idea of "what if my tattoo doesn't go away" and I hope that whatever results we get in the next 5 years, we are satisfied with it. So tell me, am I content with my body now?

Today marks my 4th month in this new Epson job. It still feels like a gift but I keep looking to the other side of the fence. I feel like maybe this isn't for me? It feels very boring. It is definetly a good way to make money, and there's room to grow, but am I passionate about it? Am I really invested in whatever I'm selling? No, I'm not. I still don't know what's my calling or what I want for myself. And I'm in no rush. I acknowledge that I have something good in my hand, an I am willing to follow through with it until it unfolds. But it would be nice to know that I got an opportunity later on to try working in a different country for a little while. Or eventually do Master's abroad -- eventhough I don't have the slightest clue what program will I go to. So tell me, am I doing something that speaks of who I really am?

Love... ahhh to love! Please tell me you've found the one. Please tell me that you're in love and happy. And that he's everything you wished for and more. As you know, there's no action whasoever in the love department in my life. But I am eagerly waiting. I am in a place where I am ready for the big step and even slowly (very slowly) changing my perceptions on children. When I imagine myself head over heels in love with someone, I can't help but imagine the beauty of having children to share with each other. Let's see, I am hopefull. Eventhough I do get evil thoughts sometimes whispering to me that I will never find someone and that I'm not worthy of love. But so far, I've still won over these whispers. So tell me, is he right there next to you?

And finally spirtuality, I have been consistent with my relation to Allah. I haven't missed a prayer since mid of March. I feel purer, cleaner, and in peace. I hope you're maintaining the very hard work I am doing right now and doing even more. Getting closer, removing bad habits, introducing better practices in your life.

I'm too afraid to ask about our family... I hope they're all doing well and happy and alive. Just know starting recently, I am trying to improve my relationship with Papa. Since he came back from Gaza, I have reached a realization of how much he means to me, and that I want to salvage whatever we have left and even build on it. I just really hope everyone's happy. I hope Mama's health is great. And please tell me we got her the house of her dreams. You know how much I love Mama, I love her ظالمة او مظلومة, she is my purpose. So I hope you have good news for me here Fadwa.

And that's it Fadwita! Tell me, I want to hear from you. But for now, I am taking it one step at a time. And trying to be patient, cause I have a feeling that good things are about to happen and they're just around the corner!

#letter #future #turningthirty #39

[saecoyle]

Some days after the end of S11..

I have a full wrap of my opinions about the SKAM France seasons from season 5 to 12 coming soon... But I wanted to write about S11 in details, so I don't forget my current opinion after a daily watch - which will be very different from my opinion probs one year later, as I will hopefully get the rest of the gen or just rewatch that season.

Firstly first about the main; I adored Rym.

I have a file for that type of characters, the ones that can't process their grief or any situation that happened. And I enjoy how from Lola to Rym, with Bilal and Maya, grief is always a theme with difference nuances in it. For Rym it was the loss of the person she loved the most. Her grandma, but also her only parental figure as she ever remembered. We don't know a lot at first (hence why I think a rewatch will make me love the season harder, as you get more clues at the start, knowing everything), but we know one thing. Rym is angry. About her fate, about how life got so unfair since she found the firefighters outside of her house.

At the start of the season Rym also experiences denial for what she did. So not only the death of her grandma feels unfair to her but also her mother's choice of letting her to other people, as well as her only friend - and crush, to me - rejecting her for that. It is sure, as soon as we discover episode 4 that Rym has severe anger issues and seek destruction as well as escapism that can be filled by the adrenaline of stealing, putting things on fire and more...

And I love it. Because prior other seasons, that also treated and basically always treats of very gray characters. It is very hard for the public to see her as fully white, when you make it her whole theme.

This is something that annoyed me back then, not holding any mains accountable for what they've done in the past. Because to me, gray characters are way more interesting than all white ones, mostly when they're teens, when there is a possibility of evolution.

Moreover, I love that Rym is a teen, from start to end. When she goes throught her difficulties she's a teen. When she hurts people she's a teen, when she cries, when she falls in love. Even when she's unable to sleep because of the gravity of her acts, she doesn't feel like a 16 year old trying to be an adult. She feels like a 16 year old in a teenager situation, that can be has hard as an adult's one, but still belongs to her.

And that is important.

A thematic that belongs to her; And to the writer!

When I read the first articles I was a bit scared. SKAM France has it's backstory of poor writing considering main and secondary characters that aren't white. Or of any characters that has an identity they ignores or do not share, mostly (Something I'll talk in that next post, that will surely be a novel long atp).

Well, I still don't know if the writing team is finally as diverse as it should be (we barely know anything about the headwriters, that probably are too scared to experience the same thing as the previous writers did), and I don't think it is my role to argue if anything hit or missed considering Rym not being white (because I am very white and french and I don't think I know better than the actress, writers and people concerned themselves) - so if it's the case I let everyone speak abt it in the comments. I have though something to say about the theme, and it's how I love when writers actually knows and experienced their subjetcs.

It's something I already said for S7, season about maternity. It is awesome to have someone leading a season that they care about for that reason. And you see it, and you feel it. Because the characters never feels like the support of their theme, or the other around, but both of theme and main are merged so equally that it becomes one.

By Rym (and Zélie), we discover how juvenile delinquency can start (after a huge shock and changes, family dysfunctions, group effect, feeling of abbandonment, anger issue, self destructions habits). How it looks like (conflict, misbehavior, stealing, putting things on fire, putting yourself in danger or even harming someone). The consequences of it (nights in detention, criminal record, even more family conflicts and the possibility of being judged, by the court, the teachers and everyone around her). How it can go further, (to juvenile detention or, in Rym's case: running away, homelessness) and how it can be stopped, how can Rym herself turn the page of this part of her life. And discover a new one.

I wishh; We are gonna get more or her in the next season(s).

And particularly her friend group - the weirdos.

Look I love the cringe-ness of that name, and the fact it was given as a judgment? And they embraced it? Very cool of them, very edgy. Very me. From the one we know the most to the less I have some nuanced, opinions abt them.

For Cléo, we see him for the first time in the very second clip of the first episode. Cléo looks at Rym first, while she's being bothered already by Félix, the N°1 Shithead of Dorian High-School at the moment. He's the first one that includes Rym in the group, one part (to me) because he sees in her someone that he can trust about not liking that so called Clones group. One another part because it's obvious that Cléo had an immediate crush on her. He's the love-interest of the season and not really a major character in Rym's change, while still being a huge part of her support system. He also brings the non-binary representation that I deeply needed for at least 10 seasons of that show, and that was surely maybe needed to explain a bit more (and hope it will in S12) because I have seen for the past months a lot of confusion - if not blatant transphobia.

Since the first episode - second clip we are introduced to him and his PRONOUNS. They are not a question, they are not even french neutrals that are still in debate for some, along with the full inclusive langage. Cléo casually is non-binary and for us as for his other friend he always has identified as non-binary, compared to Max in S7 it is not even a thematic, as we never presents what it is to be trans and non gender comforming. That choice was made and honestly would have been even better if no one took his gender as a insult and decided to hate him more than any. other. characters. Including the bullies, including the foster parents with a huge (white for Sophie) savior complex.

And I don't say Cléo is perfect. Cléo is at Daphnée and or Jo's image a very complex character since the start. We see him get a lot bullied by his ex-bestfriend's friends (and he probably also participated in it). We see him shifting in class, which (to me) is a bit concerning for his own sanity to be honest. In general, from Rym's point of view, she always seem to catch Cléo in situations that can make him almost crack his self confidence shell. As Daphnée, as Jo or even as Basile, Cléo has some tendencies to be very hyper and focused on apparances, during the season he has issue with trusting Rym as she has her own secrets. And it is obvious this is absolutly not about Rym, but especially about himself, linked to his past demons.

We also learn from Jade that she only knows him from september. Meaning he was probably all alone for a long moment. I am sorry but I can't not feel empathy for a such character, and I know he has much more to offer in the next season(s), mostly with Maël's right now.

For Yanis, he probably is the fan-favorite right now. And he kindaa deserves it. I don't know if it's N'Landu Lubansu chemistry with everyone on screen, or Yanis very refreshing writing but I kinda adore his character. We see him for the first time as Rym mocks his style along with Zélie, and I kinda love the way he was presented as a random guy who likes hicking, gaming and axolotls like many teenage boys. But as we discovers him, we see a much more interesting character.

Yanis lives alone with his mother, that is not only a bit strict but also the new Headmaster of Dorian High-School. As it is - he completly lives inside the school and knows everything about everyone new. That's how he learns about Rym's past and how he is way more understanding about her lying, as he starts to gets her both sharing abandonment issues. More like characters like Redouane and others Yanis is very outside of toxic masculinity. His bestfriends doesn't share his interest, as well as he doesn't feel ashamed or see any issues about wearing his mom's clothes or make-up. He doesn't play either in the - sex comptetition or stuff like that, compared to Pablo and Félix as we're starting to see in the current season.

He also adds the mlm representation to the generation. Yeah you heard me, more than 1 representation, a mlm rep that isn't white. It's almost as if they actually listened to their public this year. I would personally say (or headcanon) that he is pansexual. As it was never said it is very implied that Yanis corresponds under the bi umbrella, and that he actually doesnt care about how his partner presents. He falls in love with another gamer- which brings up e-relationships to the table, as risky as it can be, as cool as it can be. At the end of the season we learns that the so called Piranha is a boy, called Cyril. I really love how this generation portrays teenage relationships and it's nuances, it's diversity and everything. How nice it is to see relationship that will not end in misery, or that are as serious as it can be when you're sixteen, and as unserious as it can be. Also, If my headcanon is right I feel like it's a very very neat upgrade on how the show writes queer people and mostly people under the bi umbrellas (Elliot, Alexia, Lola) as the first gen really enjoyed cheating tropes and bi and panphobic partners for them (even tho I kinda liked seeing Maya get a bit toxic-dumb untrusting because of her breakup. love her). Yanis doesn't need to sleep with both women and men to justify who he is, as well as Rym doesn't need many experiences to know she's gay.

Anyway, he's a character I really want to see more. But as my misfortune made all my faves NOT have a season, for each gens ever I am not gonna wish that for him. Please let him shine. He's way too cool 4 school. :(

For Jade, welll we don't know that much about her. We met her at the same time as Cléo, and not only she is very focused in her own world. She's a very unique type of character that we haven't really seen in the show, but we could (?) see some ressemblances among both Elliot, Noé and Alexia. Jade is a very exentric character by her way of dressing herself, her family - being part Irish but also having a grandparent (Pamie) almost written by Wes Anderson - and her own universe. She says what she wants, does what she wants, is a part of a circus classes and doesn't really care about what people say or not understanding some of the social cues.

Of course a lot of people (me in it) pointed that Jade had many many hints for her to be neurodivergent. And honestly I do hope it is the point because as much as I relate to her, I also feel that she could educate a lot of people on the fact that autistic people doesn't especially mean a man, nor a genius, nor someone that can't mask.

I don't know yet what will be about her character, tho it seems obvious that her character will be important in the current season. Her mom Poppy seeming to appear in it, as well as circus friend Idriss and she already has started to show up (some minutes ago,, lmfao). I'm very curious, since she obviously has a crush on Maël for a while now. There is a possibility her story gets to be told, honestly I'm hyped because I love dearly all the members of the weirdos group.

They all give me comfort and an happy feeling that Lamif also made me feel for a while. A family that Rym deserves and that I hope, Maël will feel the need to join too!

I am almost finished with that novel-lenght review; I have to talk about the other characters.

There is many other interesting things to say about this season. How grief is handled, how abandonment is depicted - not only by her mother but also by her bestfriend Zélie. Her bond from her grandmother, to her own mother. Reuniting after both have lost someone. I particularly love that - at the end of the season they do bond over their traditions and religion, that they both shared with the same person back then. Mostly because since S4 badly written season, only Redouane's and Jo's family had some hints to be muslim and jewish, but as well as Redouane himself, that got ignored in the last two seasons. In general I have some critics to make probably around the lack of clips in some manners - like with her foster family or else. But I feel like in general, there is always a season in the year - duo that lacks more clips than the other, more ofter because they can't provide as much or they are told to cut it from the full show. It is sad, but as I am peaceful about it being the first season ever of the gen, it also shows that not everything is done for Rym.

She still has a lot more time to evolve fully. And I will hopefully be there to see that.

#skam france #skam france season 11 #rym brahimi #cléo nln #jade nln #yanis toussaint #very big rant #thoughts abt S11

[sneakerdoodle]

it's the New Year soon (one of my favorite things ever!!!!) and that's making me introspective so i'm gonna be Sappy about my personal life and my Love life and like, overshare a lot and hopefully not feel embarrassed about it and just be excited and happy about all the good things in my life, and there is no like big statement here i'm just gonna gush!!!!! yeah!!!!!!

it's been a year and almost 8 months since Fleur and i got engaged, (about a year and a half since we were like, "yep, we're engaged in a Gay way" fgdhjdshdjk) and it's been about 5 years since we became friends, and it was actually on a New Year's eve that i first reached out to them directly and we started talking a couple of months after that, and it was a Weird Weird very hard time in my life! the first half of 2017 was just really heavily loaded with a lot of personal realizations, pain, trauma processing, subtle emotional estrangement from my family as i came to be more acutely aware of my lgbtq+ identity, realizing i was stuck in a VERY bad damaging friendship and dreading any way of getting out of it, all the works; just, a HORRID time all around. and we weren't talking that much yet, but this like... weird cocoon of scared scary isolation was being breached a little bit by this person who i genuinely thought was SO SO COOL choosing to interact with me however casually, and it meant a lot... and then when i got through the scariest most confusing parts of it and created more space for Myself to exist in my own life, i just, got slammed with this HUGE weight of not-yet-fully-processed trauma that felt like it literally shook the very foundations of my life, and Fleur was the first person i talked to about it and their unwavering compassion and acceptance literally meant the WORLD.

i was like. are we friends is this my friend now!!!!! oh my god! and it was absolutely LIFE-CHANGING cause all the factors combining, like the very bad friendship experience and the newly processed personal realizations made connecting with others so WEIRD. there was a time when i was genuinely terrified of the idea of making a new friend because i was so deeply convinced friendship was so supposed to hurt and be absolutely exhausting and heartbreaking, and then i realized some things about the world and myself that still make it both so so so hard to trust other people OR feel like they would genuinely love me if they actually knew me, and i spent the December of 2017 with this acute, persistent, haunting feeling of complete disconnect from the world and other people, like no connection i could make would actually count, like i could not possibly occupy a meaningful place in others' lives, like if i died nothing would have changed for anyone because i was so easily replaceable. because i just came out of a state in which i was treated as completely irreplaceable, treated jealously, held captive by another person's emotional stability and both hailed as their savior and despised for not being enough to make things truly alright; and having to break a bond this intense made everything else feel just so much... flatter, disconnected, like no one who didn't try to make my entire life about themself actually wanted me that much or in any way that mattered. and through that, still, i had Fleur to talk to, and that meant so so MUCH. i had another friend group that i regularly closely interacted, but unfortunately i wasn't very very good at being Friends with them because of everything that made processing Friendship and Connection so hard; to this day, it's hard, i never feel comfortable taking up space, i never feel comfortable sharing my pain, i never feel comfortable asking for things, and it's really really hard to process the idea of someone really Caring about me, and i am still far too afraid of letting people Know things about me and unable to believe they would genuinely like me if they did. and at the time, i would just... not be able to process the fact that i would talk to someone a lot and know personal things about them as us being Friends, however cold that sounds.

but with Fleur there was always just this!! ease... it felt right to message them first and it felt right to talk to them and tell them all the little details of my day and not feel like i was bothering them; it felt right to request comfort from them, and it meant the world that i could trust them with like, Everything in my life. every bit.

a lot a lot a lot a lot of things have happened in our lives since then, and many things happened between us, but through it all our bond was always just so... unparalleled. before the big damaging friendship i moved through my life very faintly aware of myself, and there was little intense emotional honesty i would find anywhere, be it with my family (who mostly just made their big emotions my problem rather than a point of connection and a reason to communicate) or with my childhood friends with whom i couldn't really connect on a personal level because there was so much i didn't understand and so little emotional maturity and relationship experience i possessed. then the big bad friendship came along, and it was a stark contrast to Everything else, because of how intense and open and Bleeding with emotion it was, how it demanded my full presence, my entire heart, how Alive and Awake it made me feel and how aware of the world. but there was still little space in it for myself, and the intensity came at too high a price, and there was little communication and emotional growth happening there, either.

and i don't really like, possess Dating Experience outside of a few months with someone who wasn't a bad person but wasn't a good friend to me. we knew each other long enough before starting to date but there was little like, vulnerability and emotional security in that relationship, they didn't really Know me and these days i am completely dumbfounded at the fact that i didn't feel extremely intimidated by and insecure about maintaining a very involved close relationship with someone i didn't have a direct and tried channel of communication with; it was truly just extremely amatonormative (in the sense that, i was interpreting the meaning of romance from general expectation and formalities of it and celebrating it on those grounds because it was exciting to be liked and flirted with, but i wasn't really inspecting whether there was a good relationship basis to that specific romantic experience and what I wanted from my partner other than, "being my partner" lol). there was no desire to really know me, including through the uncomfortable parts, there was no readiness to pause to talk things through, no honesty and openness and desire to communicate, no intent to hear me out and do the hard things that would keep me safer and happier, like inspecting certain life choices or confronting actions of other people, etc. and i guess now that i know we weren't such close friends to begin with it makes sense that person wouldn't want to do all of that for me! but it's just so Weird that i wanted to date someone who wasn't a close friend of mine or someone who Wanted to be a closer friend of mine and was committed to building a good, strong relationship with me. i feel like the way they saw me was just... very soft and mellow and nice, and i wasn't being used or anything but i wasn't being Known as a person.

all of this is to say: i've never had a good, solid, close relationship before meeting Fleur; everything else was either detached and surface-level and arising from me and the other person generally not minding each other's company, OR was intense to a destructive degree and equated emotional openness with devastating codependency. so like. i'm not actually good at having friends OR being in a relationship and i still really struggle with connecting with people and am generally very very isolated as a person;

but i AM good at being friends with Fleur, and being in a relationship with them... there is a lot a lot a lot a lot that i'm learning; a year and 8 months is a long time, and one would Think we would've settled into a routine by now, but so much keeps changing. my country is changing horribly and drastically every day. our plans keep changing, getting disrupted, delayed, we keep fighting and fighting to get a chance to just, live together, and it keeps getting ripped out of our hands, and it's Hard and rocky and uncertain. i was lucky enough to spend 5 whole months sharing a house with them, and, gosh, it felt so wonderful to settle into a domestic routine with that, but now we have to get used to being apart again, and it's like we're just... wobbling and wobbling and wobbling and waiting for a time we can just, start Living our Life and learning the true shape of it... but i'm just really really grateful for everything i am getting to learn about what living and being together means, and so impatient to start doing that full-time without a timer over our heads...

and it's just!! so weird and special because this relationship we share is the most magical unexplainable Unparalleled experience of my life that doesn't compare to anything else, and at the same time it feels like... the most Normal one. it's emotional and involved and honest and intense but in a way that is like... softer, caring, and has the context of this... good domestic life we share every day. the hard emotional parts require Work and the work isn't always like, dramatically romanticized, sometimes it's just Hard and sometimes scary, but that's just like... normal. in a way that doesn't shy away from the hard things but doesn't let the hard things destroy the love and care we always always hold for each other. and i feel like... that's life? i feel like i was never allowed to live Life, it was either muted and the harsh parts of it overlooked, or it was so oversaturated with defiant abandon that left no room for love and softness and hope, or for my needs and feelings, and both of those are just... such weird, detached representations of it. and now i'm learning what Life is, and gosh, sometimes life is just... really really hard, and at some point you become unable to glorify your way through the very messy parts of it; but that's the life i'm supposed to be living, and it feels... normal. like it has a future, like it has meaning, like it's sustainable and right and gives me time and space to figure out what i want it to look like. i am just so so grateful for having a relationship that can envelop Both of us fully, the soft parts and the silly parts and the hard parts and the sad parts and the mushy gay parts and so on :' ) and at the end there is no one word to describe it cause it's just, Life, and that can be so so weird sometimes but it's never Wrong

Fleur if you're reading this i love you very very much, and i cannot wait to start truly living together in every small physical expression of it, without having to wait and guess and deal with all the uncertainty of it <3

#emotional abuse mention #trauma mention #like i said!! oversharing!!!! but it feels right somehow!!!

[fractured-fables]

CaterpillarOS: A Full Explanation

This is, hopefully, the last time I talk in depth about how CaterpillarOS formed. If you've seen my other COS posts, then this is the explanation in full, edited to be cohesive/make actual sense. Enjoy!

Wesley Hart is an entrepreneur/toy maker. She begins designing a toy line themed after Alice in Wonderland, inspired by her son Gregory, who is around 15 at the time. She met Genesis H. Voltrian when the project was in its early design/concept stages. As such, he was able to give her ideas for the line, helping develop "CaterpillarOS", a computer program based on The Caterpillar. It was essentially supposed to be an advanced child safety lock for the internet.

Unfortunately, the two began building JoyHall Arcade soon after, thus putting all their previous projects on hold, including CaterpillarOS. And then Wesley found out about Genesis' past and decided to distance herself from him, scrapping any projects he had been involved in. And so, the toy line was unfinished, leaving CaterpillarOS' code to be hidden away in Genesis' files.

Micha Voltrian breaks into JoyHall Arcade to investigate his father (aka Genesis). Genesis, somehow, knew he was gonna do this and kidnaps him, keeping him in JoyHall's basement. There, he uploads Micha's consciousness into Cyberspace, but is interrupted. This means that there's Beta!Micha and VR!Micha. The rest of this post will be focusing on VR!Micha, who will be called Bug, because I haven’t made a “computer bug” joke throughout this whole process and all my ocs need horribly fitting names.

Bug sees Glitch going through Genesis' files. He's still new to Cyberspace and has 0 context for what's going on or who Glitch is (lucky him, right?). He follows her to find out more and maybe ask her a few questions about wtf is going on. Unfortunately, he's booted into Wonderland with CaterpillarOS. Due to the change in dimensions, Bug’s consciousness is fused with CaterpillarOS', making them one entity.

Glitch mind controls CaterpillarOS (and by extension Bug) to kill False Moon and any Wonderlandians that stand in her way. She takes over Red's wedding, blah blah this day aria whatever this isn't about her (thankfully).

Bug is, understandably, VERY shaken up about what’s going on. I mean, how would you react if your organs were suddenly wires? Not well, I presume. So while externally CaterpillarOS is being your typical rogue AI, Bug is internally freaking out and having an existential crisis. Also, his body hurts, like, a fuckton. Again, going from a normal human body to a giant robot caterpillar would make anyone feel a little murderous, I think. #bugdidnothingwrong. 

Also idk where to put this but the OS part of Caterpillar (like. the original code) has also gained some sentience thanks to a mix of Bug being fused with it and bc Wonderland is weird as shit. The AI part of CaterpillarOS is gonna be called “Pillar” btw! Anyway, the two are able to break out of Glitch’s control and after some back and forth, Bug is able to convince Pillar to help False Moon/Wonderland defeat Glitch (oh and Macbeth....he's here too lmao).

After the battle, everyone is…uh….Unnerved by CaterpillarOS. Well, the Wonderlandians are. For FM rogue AIs trying to kill them is just another Tuesday. Either way, nobody wants the poor caterpillar robot. Sad :( Bug also doesn’t really wanna go back to Arcadia/Earth II because, well, his father tried to fucking murder him. Like, Jesus, does he even HAVE a body to return to?! He tries to articulate all of this but, again, not entirely used to his new body so it comes out a little clunky. At the very least, they’re able to understand that he wants to stay in Wonderland. 

Pillar doesn’t really care, it was basically just born and doesn’t understand human emotions, but knows it’s stuck with Bug and he seems to have their best interests in mind so it goes along with what he says. However, since it was originally coded to help people (specifically children) I do think a part of it at least recognizes that that’s its intended purpose and is fine with that being its life.

There is a Heated Debate among the two groups about what to do, until Cyber finally combs through CaterpillarOS’ code and determines that they seem fine enough to leave alone. As a precaution, though, Cyber teaches Phineas how to fix CaterpillarOS should something go wrong (and…there’s always the option of destroying the machine. I mean, it has no other systems to hook up to, Wonderland is kinda weird with technology in general…it probably is the safest place for this thing tbh). Plus, in a few decades or so Alice would arrive and have a vague idea on how to work the AI since she’s from modern day and knows how phones/computers work lol.

#parapotral #grimm writings #tale: curiosity by another name #caterpillarOS #woo its done FINALLY GOD #time to write down the tamagotchi au now!! oh boy.... #au: tamagotchi #Lore

[lilahisntsadanymore]

Could I request a Rafe Cameron imagine, where they do they do the tik tok where the reader jokingly asks rafe for a baby and sees his reaction and also the tik tok where she calls him her husband to see his reaction? 🥺 maybe Sarah films it for them

Hello, thank you for the request! I kinda changed it from reader asking for a baby to reader pranking Rafe by making him 'accidentally' find out she's pregnant, I hope this is okay.

Any new fanfics might appear less frequently, I've been having a lot of tests and exams at school and I feel so demotivated to do anything and I barely have time to write since I mostly spend my time studying:(

Words count: 616

Tw: talking about pregnancy

y/h - your hobby

♪°•°∞°•°♪°•°∞°•°♪°•°∞°•°♪°•°∞°•°♪

A Tiktok prank

Y/n had many thousands of followers on Tiktok, she was mostly known for dance videos and talking about her y/h. Recently, she posted a few pranks she pulled on her friends and people liked it. It were all just silly little pranks, but Y/n got an idea that would let her gain even more followers.

One day, she asked her best friend (and also her boyfriend's sister) Sarah to come over. They were going to prank Y/n's boyfriend Rafe by telling him she's pregnant. It seemed like a fun idea plus, hey, it would be nice to see his reaction before actually starting a family.

Y/n and Rafe lived together in a house near the Camerons' mansion, so Sarah came over in a blink of an eye.

"Hey," Y/n greeted her friend, "come in, come in."

"Hey, so what's the plan?" Sarah asked, hugging Y/n and going after her to the living room.

"Basically, Rafe is out but will be back in a few, so we go live right now and as soon as he comes back we start talking about me taking a pregnancy test." Y/n explained, reaching for her phone. She chose the Tiktok app and went live.

Y/n placed the phone in a place where viewers could still see them, but Rafe wouldn't notice it. Or at least the girls hoped he won't notice.

After a minute, there were quite many people watching Y/n's life. She and Sarah quickly explained what they're about to do. The fans were more than exited to see it.

Out of a sudden, they heard the door of the house being unlocked. The girls pretended not to hear it and started talking.

"So, I took the test." Y/n said, trying to make her voice sound worried. "It was positive."

"Positive?" Sarah pretended to sound surprised. "Does Rafe know?"

The second question echoed in Rafe's ears, he decided not to let the girls know he's here and listen a little longer.

"No, not yet."

"Is it his baby?"

"Of course, who else's could it be?"

"Right, sorry. When are you going to tell him?"

"I don't know, I'm scared of his reaction."

In that moment, Rafe decided to walk in. He felt nervous, but thought that maybe he misheard something. Maybe the conversation wasn't about what he thought it was about.

"Hey, um," he started, "I've heard you and...what were you talking about?"

"Oh, uh, Rafe," Y/n looked at her boyfriend, acting surprised, "I thought you'll come back later."

"Yeah, but what- what were you two talking about?"

"I-, ugh I don't know how to tell you this, I'm pregnant."

"Oh, um. I forgot to buy milk, I'll be back soon."

"What the hell, Rafe?" Sarah scolded her brother.

"Nah, I'm just kidding." Rafe's face lit up with happiness. He walked closer to Y/n and hugged her, then picked her up and did a 360 degree spin.

"So... you're not angry?" Y/n asked, fighting the urge to laugh.

"No, I'm not!" The boy assured. "Y/n, I know we're young, but we'll be alright. You'll be a great mom!"

The girls couldn't take it anymore, the both of them burst out laughing. Rafe stood there, stunned, processing what's going on. Why were they laughing? Did he say something wrong?

"It's a prank." Y/n announced, still chuckling slightly. She took her phone from the place it was hidden in. "Say hello to my followers."

"Oh, uh, hi." Rafe said hesitantly.

"Everyone, this is my hubby Rafe."

"Hubby?" A cocky smile appeared on the boy's face.

"Hopefully soon?" The girl put up her pinky finger.

Rafe didn't hesitate to hook his pinky with hers. Someday they would get married anyways, right?

#Rafe Cameron x reader #Rafe Cameron imagine #Rafe Cameron one shot #Rafe Cameron fanfic #Obx x reader #Outer banks x reader #Outer banks fanfic #Outer banks one shot #Obx one shot

[untiltheendoftime]

Summary: Staring at a stranger leaves you with an empty plate of fries and a heart filled with the slightest bit of love.

gif by @stevenrogered

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Warnings: A normal amount of swearing, other than that it's pure fluff.

Writers note: This is for @celestialbarnes "4k writing challenge"

Reblogs, likes and your thoughts are so much appreciated. Feel free to point out any errors.

    ─── ☪ ･ ☪ ･ ☪ ･ ☪ ･ ☪ ───

Can I steal your fries?

You had found yourself in a small diner, after another terrible date, with a large portion of fries in front you. Perhaps alcohol would've been more helpful to forget the whole day, but sadly your work schedule didn't allow you to get drunk and risk a hangover.

As soon as you sat down, you deleted the dating app off your phone, earning an amused look from the stranger in the booth in front of you when you had muttered something along the lines of "Fuck this shit." and "Might as well start referring to myself as a trash can if trash is all I attract."

You could feel the warmth of a blush rising on your cheeks when you heard the stranger chuckle and you were sure that you looked exactly like the ketchup on your fries. Why did you have to blush so easily? Fuck.

Unfortunately he was quite handsome, which didn't help your ketchup-face problem at all. His hair was rather short, though it looked like he was growing it out, and he gave off cozy vibes with the navy blue hoodie he was wearing and the steaming cup of coffee in his hands. He was far more than quite handsome. It was then that you noticed that his eyes, unfairly blue like the sky on a perfect summer day, were focused on you.

He fully caught you staring at him. Damn it.

In order to hide your embarrassment, you quickly adverted your eyes to the plate in front of you. Suddenly the fries were very interesting.

The sound of footsteps appeared and just when you had thought that you creepingly staring made the stranger leave, a muscular body came in sight and you were starting to feel anxious.

Thinking that apologizing was the best way to get over with this as soon as possible, you tried to come up with an excuse "Look, I'm sorry for staring. I jus-" you started bubbling, but he quickly interrupted you.

"Wouldn't have caught you staring at me if I wasn't staring as well, would I?" he said, his voice surprisingly sweet and when you had gathered up enough courage to look up at him, you were welcomed with a breathtaking smile.

Without any hesitation, he sat down in front of you and the anxious feeling quickly washed away, being replaced with irritation instead. Sure, he didn't look bad, but he was a stranger after all.

You eyed him suspiciously and he did the same, obviously mocking you. "I don't want to sound rude but I believe your coffee wants your attention more than me" you said, actually not really bothering to sound polite.

"Does sound rude to me, doll."

He probably used the nickname a lot, however it didn't stop you from feeling flattered. Not wanting to acknowledge it, and turning red again, you decided to keep your mouth shut.

The silence was starting to feel uncomfortable and from the way his brows slightly furrowed with thought, you could tell that he didn't want the conversation to end so soon.

"You're not here for the first time and I actually wanted to talk to you for a while." he admitted, "Even tried to get your attention, but all you did was stare into your phone and yeah" a faint blush crept up on his cheeks.

It took you a solid minute to process his words. Yes, you were a frequent customer, most of the times visiting after another date went downhill and sometimes you would google dating advice and gag at all the bullshit everyone wrote. You didn't exactly hate being single, though having someone to come home to wasn't the worst thought you could think of. The more dates went wrong, the more you and your family, especially them, began to wonder what was wrong with you.

"Always love a stranger watching me" you joked and instantly grimace at how badly you had worded it. That's not what you meant.

His laughter filled your ears and it was full of warmth and so contagious, you had to laugh as well.

After the laughter had died down, he cleared his throat and extendended his right hand to you "I'm Bucky" he softly said and while shaking it, the contact sending slight shivers down your spine, you tell him your name.

"Now that we know each others names, can I steal some of your fries?" Bucky asked, not waiting for an answer as he reached for your plate.

"No" you chuckled out, playfully swatting his hand away, and he glared at you for a second before dramatically putting the hand on his chest, claiming that you've really hurt his feelings and it might take decades to mend the pain in his heart.

The conversation between the two of you flowed nicely. He told you about his visits to different countries and you would ask questions about how the people were and if the food tasted good, the latter truthfully answered with a "I usually went for cheeseburgers due to the lack of time."

You had told Bucky how much you despise going on dates now because your family would pressure you, saying that the problem has to be you since your ex shortly found a significant other after the break up.

Bucky's jaw tightened at that and he voiced out how fucking rude your family was, wondering if they don't have anything else to do than rubbing their noses in your love life. Seeing that he has was way more understanding than your own family, empathy had always been something all of them undoubtedly lacked off, made you even more fond of the handsome stranger and you felt comfortable sharing personal pieces of your life with him as hours passed by.

Midway through your story you paused to look at your plate, realizing that it was almost empty now and the only reason why he didn't stop your rambling was because it allowed him to eat your fries.

"Stop taking my fries." you muttered out, causing him to grin.

"What are you gonna do about it?" he questioned, voice heavenly charming as he suggestively wiggled his eyebrows at you.

Perhaps this was the most cliché thing to do, but the look he gave you when you threw a few fries at his face was something you wish you would've gotten a picture of. His eyes were still slightly widened in shock when he, not so attractively, shoved all of the fries in his mouth, making you laugh at his childish behavior.

"I got to eat the fries. Seems like I won, sweetheart." he proudly declared.

Banters and stories later, your eyes caught a glimpse of the clock on your phone and you frown when it reads two a.m

You jolted up from your seat, calling out an apology to the old waitress who seemed to be startled by the sudden change of energy. "I do enjoy talking to you, but my shift starts in six hours." you said, your voice laced with a hint of sadness.

Bucky stood up as well and reached for your phone that was still lying on the table. He handed it you, signaling for you to unlock it, and when he had access to it, he quickly typed in his number and pressed the saving button. A cheekish smile on his lips when he puts it in your grasp again and you can't help but beam at him, too.

He held his hands up in defense, "Figured you need my number after you have deleted all the datings apps."

You rolled your eyes in response and, who knows where the confidence boost came from, step closer to him. "Goodnight" you murmured, pressing a light kiss to his cheek and they instantly heat up, which made him look adorable. Maybe you had found someone who blushes just as easily as you.

Once you had entered the front door of your apartment, your phone gave off a noise, signaling that you had received a message. A quick glance at the screen told you that it was Bucky asking if you came home alright. He definitely is a gentleman. Just when you were about to answer him, another text popped up. You had to bite the inside of your cheek to stop you from grinning like a lovestruck teenager while reading it.

Bucky:

When will you take me out?

Sincerely, your trash

    ─── ☪ ･ ☪ ･ ☪ ･ ☪ ･ ☪ ───

First story on here. Hopefully it's not that bad? I would absolutely love to hear some feedback. Thank you for reading everything ♡

#soft!bucky barnes #bucky barnes fluff #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes one shot #sebastian stan x reader #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky x reader #sebastian stan x y/n #bucky barnes fic #soft!bucky #soft!bucky x reader #bucky barnes x gender neutral reader #sebastian stan x you #bucky x you #bucky x y/n #bucky barnes #sebastian stan #tfatws #bucky barnes imagine #sebastian stan imagine #steve rogers x reader #sebastian x y/n #sebastian x you #winter solider x reader #the falcon and the winter soldier #winter soldier x you #marvel #celestialbarnes’s 4k writing challenge

[nastybuckybarnes]

Deep End  -  Five

Pairing: Dark!Steve Rogers X Reader

Summary: He’s back. After all your best efforts at getting away, he’s found you again. And this time, he’s not letting you go so easily. He’s determined to do whatever it takes to get you to be his. Forever.

Warnings: Dark Themes, Language, Angst, Manipulation, Injuries, 

Word Count: 3.2K

A/n: here we are, folks. What if I ended it like this lol that would be kinda gangsta of me LMAO

Deep End Masterlist

THIS IS A DARK FIC WITH SEXUAL AND TRIGGERING CONTENT!!! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!!!! 18+ ONLY!!!

~*~

You push open the front door with a heavy sigh, setting the paper grocery bags down on the counter then resting a hand on your growing belly.

There’s a tiny flutter under your hand and you can’t help yourself from smiling.

The smile vanishes, however, when a hand grabs at your shoulder and forces you to turn around.

“Where the Hell were you?” Steve’s angry voice demands.

You look up at him in shock and confusion, looking over at the groceries.

“I-I just went to the store.”

He shakes his head, grabbing your face with one hand and stepping closer. You take a step back with each one he takes towards you, and soon enough he’s got you pinned against the wall.

His grip on your face tightens and you wince, fear overwhelming your body, making your heart race.

“Bucky said he saw you talking to someone. A man. Who was he?”

You shake your head, tears welling up in your eyes.

“H-He was just asking me about my pregnancy. When I'm due, if I know what I’m having.”

It’s nothing but the truth.

“I give you freedom and this is what you do? You go and flirt with other guys? You’re my property. Don’t forget that.”

Your tears fall down your cheeks and into his hand, but he doesn't let go. Even as your chest heaves and sobs bubble out of you, he stays glaring at you.

“Please, Steve, stop. Y-You’re hurting me!”

His jaw flexes and he slowly lets go, only to cage you against the wall, slamming his fist against it in the process.  

Your heart hammers in your chest, terror gripping you and freezing you in place as you remember what he did to Nat and her baby.

“I-I came home, didn’t I? I could’ve asked for help! Could’ve said something, but I didn’t. I’m here, again, even though I could’ve run away. I’m here. You have me! You have me.”

You slide down the wall, knees drawn up to your chest as you sob, the reality of your words and the fear doing a number on your emotions.

Steve’s anger slowly melts away, replaced with concern as he sees nothing but terror on your face.

“I-I didn’t mean to yell, honey. It’s okay, shh, come here.”

You don’t fight him as he pulls you into his arms and brings you upstairs into your bedroom, sitting you gently on the bed and pushing your hair away from your face.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you, sweetheart I just... You gotta understand how nervous it makes me when you leave the house like that.”

You sniffle then slowly look up at him, your eyes bloodshot and tear-filled.

“Then why give me the freedom to leave?”

Your voice cracks and it makes his heart hurt.

“I... I want to trust you. That’s why.”

You take a few deep breaths, your eyes focused on your trembling hands as your heart starts to slow back to its normal rhythm.

“Ever since that night when Nat and Buck came over you’ve... you’ve been off. I’m worried about you, honey. I just wanna make sure that everything’s okay.”

He wants to know what Nat told you. What she said to have you acting like this.

Your eyes meet his, wet and full of fear as you whisper three words.

“Is it true?”

He has an idea what you’re referring to, and his heart picks up speed.

“Did...did you do it?”

He swallows hard and avoids your eyes, but that’s answer enough.

Some strange mixture of a gasp and a sob bubbles out of you, and you bring your hands up to cover your face as your shoulders start shaking again.

“I didn’t... I guess I did.” You sniffle and look up at him through your tears.

“If you want me to trust you... if you ever want any hope at having some semblance of normalcy, you’re gonna need to elaborate. I’m trying to play your little game but I just... I’m scared you’re gonna kill my baby too. That you’re gonna hurt Sarah.”

He shakes his head immediately, grabbing your hands and holding them softly in his.

“I would never hurt Sarah, or our new baby, okay? Natasha... she was becoming a liability. That being said, I didn’t go into it with the intention of hurting her baby but... I knew it could be a consequence.”

You wait for him to continue, your heart pounding loudly in your ears.

“When you burned the book... that wasn’t the only copy. Fury made sure there was at least one more, in case we ever needed it. Had his own group working on it, creating a new version of it. Natasha became a test subject long before I met you. Before I... took you.”

He drops his eyes and huffs out a sigh.

“We didn’t need to wipe her memory, we just... needed a way to make her more complacent. To make her realize that she can’t go off on her own and keep secrets like that. Especially when they involve you.”

Your chest heaves as you glare at him, your anger growing by the second.

“Did you kill her baby?”

The words are harsh like the crack of a whip, and he has to stop himself from flinching.

“It wasn’t my intention... but it was worth it.”

You choke on another sob, yanking your hands out of his grip.

“I didn’t know what the tea would do to her baby. It was just a mild sedative so we could get her to the facility and do the procedure. Get her to tell us where you were, where Sarah was. But then she... she started bleeding. I didn’t... I thought maybe it was just a side effect but then the doctors told us... (Y/n), you’ve gotta believe me. You need to know that I didn’t mean to...” he trails off and shakes his head, thinking about the niece or nephew that he could’ve had.

The son or daughter that he stripped Bucky of. The pain he inflicted upon Natasha. But he has you, so in the end, it was worth it.

You slowly look up at him, shaking your head.

“Why? You’ve done nothing but lie to me and hurt me. Why should I believe a word you’re saying?”

He swallows hard, reaching for your hand again only for you to yank it away once more.

“You want the truth? Fine. You’re not the first person that we’ve... taken. And I doubt you’ll be the last. Bucky... he had someone. Someone to help him control the soldier. But she turned out to be worse than him. We had to terminate her because she became a liability.”

He looks down at his hands, remembering how innocent she seemed. And then she snapped. Tried killing Nat and Bucky. Turned the redhead against them until Fury stepped in.

“Nat didn’t... agree with what we did. So we changed her mind.”

Your brows draw together in confusion.

He can’t mean... can he?

As if sensing your confusion, he elaborates.

“We didn’t do exactly the same procedure. But it... its function was the same. We needed her to forget certain things. To be our friend again while still remembering other things about the situation. And it worked. All I wanted to do this time was open her up to us again. Tell me where you and Sarah were. I never meant to hurt her baby.”

You shake your head furiously, tears dripping down your cheeks. “You’re a murderer. A disgusting monster. I hate you.” Your words are venomous and acidic, and Steve almost flinches at them, shaking his head.

“That’s not true, (Y/n). I love you.”

You laugh, the sound manic and for a moment Steve’s concerned.

“This isn’t love, Steve, this is obsession! It’s unhealthy! You’ve got me trapped here against my will! Y-You’ve hurt me and raped me and now I’m supposed to pretend everything’s okay? I’m supposed to play the good little housewife while you go around kidnapping and killing women? Killing other people’s children?! No!”

You stand up and try to move past him but he grabs hold of your forearm, rising to his feet with you.

“You’re not going anywhere.” His eyes are fiery as he glares at you, but you’re not nearly as afraid as you once were. No. You’re just angry.

You glare at him, rage burning through your body as you yank free from his grip and walk out of the room.

“You leave this house and I won’t hesitate to drag your ass right back!” He shouts.

But you don’t plan on leaving.

Oh no.

Why does he deserve his happy ending so much more than everyone else?

You turn to face him once you reach the top of the stairs, your heart in your throat at what you’re about to do. The damage it could cause.

At least it’ll get your point across.

“Why do you deserve a baby so much more than Natasha?” He furrows his brows, trying to figure out what your next move is going to be.

“I’ve given my life over and over for this stupid pathetic world. I’ve sacrificed my happiness time and time again. Do I not deserve something good?”

You take a deep breath and shrug.

“Maybe you do. But not like this.”

With that, you turn around and let yourself fall down the stairs.

Steve tries to grab you, he really does, but he’s just not fast enough.

He watches you fall, tumble down the stairs then lay still at the bottom, and for a moment all he can do is stare.

Memories fill his mind. Of you falling down the stairs. Then bleeding. So much blood. And your baby... gone.

He nearly falls down the stairs himself in his haste to get to you, two fingers pressing first to your pulse, then his hand is pressed against your belly, trying desperately to feel for the fluttering kicks you told him about.

It takes a minute, maybe two, and then he feels a small press against his hand.

He lets out a breath of relief then grabs his phone, calling the doctor.

~*~

When the doctor assures him that both you and the baby are okay, he’s relieved. But that only lasts for a moment before anger takes hold, powerful and persistent.

You can feel the anger rolling off of him when you wake up, and for a moment you’re afraid.

But hopefully, you got your point across.

He doesn’t deserve another baby. Not if that’s what he wants. He’s a terrible human being. And bringing a baby into the world with him as the father should be a crime.

“Where’s Sarah?” You ask, hoping to keep him as calm as possible.

“She’s having a sleepover with Morgan over at Tony and Pepper’s.”

You nod, your stomach dropping as you realize you’re alone in the house with him and he’s beyond pissed off.

Your mind races back to all the times he’s punished you in the past, and you almost throw up with the anxiety coursing through your veins.

“You ever do anything like that again and I swear I’ll make you regret it. I won’t kill you, no. My baby needs his mommy, but I’ll make you hurt. You’re lucky I’m not doing anything to you now.”

You swallow hard and look away from him in disgust, only for him to grab your jaw and force you to look at him.

“You need to stop acting out like this. I told you what happened to the last asset who became a liability. Fury shot her point-blank. A clean shot between her pretty eyes. Then he left her to bleed out on the bedroom floor while he fixed Nat’s memory. S’why she’s even still here and with Bucky. If she remembered what he did to that poor girl... she’d have killed him herself by now. But he needs to outlet to keep the soldier at bay. And he deserves her. Deserves some happiness in his fucked up life.”

You shake your head, disagreeing strongly with every word he’s spoken.

They're monsters. Natasha less so. A victim, like you, maybe. But the two soldiers? Monsters. Monsters who don’t deserve any happiness. They deserve nothing but a slow painful death and an eternity in the fiery pits of Hell.

“I told you, (Y/n), I didn’t mean to hurt her baby. If I’d wanted to, I’d be rubbing it in her face more. Showing off your pregnancy more. And if you think I’m gonna hurt our baby, you’re wrong. I would never hurt my babies. It kills me that you think I’d ever do something like that.”

“Can you blame me? You’ve already killed at least one baby.”

A muscle in his jaw ticks and you regret your words.

“You know what? I think you really need a reminder of your place, sweetheart. You’re mine. Maybe not my wife, yet, but soon enough. Until then, you need to know that you belong to me.”

His grip on your face is painful, but you don’t make a single sound.

No, he’s not going to win.

He doesn’t want to hurt the baby or cause unnecessary strain, so he can’t have you on your stomach like he usually would.

So he makes the most of you lying on your back.

He grabs your wrists and binds them above your head, hooking them to the ring on the headboard despite your struggles.

“Steve, no! Please! I-I... Don’t hurt me, please!”

He cocks his head to the side, watching you wriggle and strain.

“You’re mine, (Y/n). You belong to me. There’s no one in this entire world who’ll help you. You’re my property. It’s time you realized that.”

A sick smile spreads across his face as he remembers what made you obedient last time.

“You know, I think I know exactly what you need.”

He climbs off the bed and drops to his knees, rooting under it until he finds his special black box.

You wriggle away furiously, trying to break free before he can hurt you, but deep down you know it’s all for not.

You squeeze your eyes shut as he sits back down on the bed, worming his way between your thighs and flipping your dress up over your extended stomach.

“Please don't,” you whimper uselessly.

He strokes your inner thighs gently, then leans down to spit on your centre.

You flinch away, tears leaking from your eyes as you realize what he’s going to do.

“Please don’t,” you repeat, only to be silenced by him pushing something far too big inside of you.

You cry out, your back arching and sending shoots of pain up to your scalp. The added weight of your baby makes everything ten times more painful, and you can't stop yourself from sobbing as he forces every last inch of the thick dildo into your unprepared cunt.

It burns. Fire spreads from between your legs up your spine and the tears don’t stop.

“Stop! Please! I’ll be good!” He knows you won’t. Or, he just doesn't believe you. You want the pain to stop but you’re not actually willing to change your behaviour for it. Not yet. But you will.

When the dildo is finally fully inside you, he climbs off the bed and shoves the box back underneath it. He adjusts his pants then walks to the door, pausing to look at your trembling figure on the bed.

Your shoulders shake with sobs, and he feels pride swell inside of him.

Good. Now you’ll finally learn.

“You’re gonna stay here until you learn your place. I don’t care how long it takes. When you’re ready to apologize and be a good girl, then we’ll talk. But until then...” He shuts off the light and pulls the door closed behind him, leaving you alone, in pain, and in the dark.

Memories of the last time this happened stab at your brain, and you quickly start hyperventilating.

What’s worse than that, though, is the tiny voice in your head telling you to get off your back. That it’s not good for the baby if you stay like this.

But no matter how much you scream or cry for him, Steve doesn’t come to the door once.

~*~

He leaves you there for hours, or maybe days. It’s so hard to tell.

The room is soundproof, so no one can hear your cries and you can’t hear anything outside.

Even if people could hear you, it doesn’t really matter now.

You’ve been on your back for so long that you’re starting to get dizzy.

During your first pregnancy, you learned only that it’s bad for the baby to sleep on your back. You didn’t think you’d be feeling the effects of it, too.

But here you are, covered in a thin sheen of sweat, mind spinning and lungs struggling to pull in enough air to satisfy you.

It must’ve been several hours ago that Steve left if you’re feeling such strong effects of it. You’re not sure what the technical term is, but you know that you probably don’t have much time left. Your baby has even less.

Your heart aches. Each beat makes sadness bloom in your soul and you can’t stop it.

New tears fall down your cheeks, and all you want is to reach down and caress your belly, apologize to the life growing inside of you.

Apologize for hurting them, for who their father is. For the life you’re bringing them into.

Nobody deserves that.

But now... now you might not have to worry.

Every passing second sends the walls around you spinning faster and faster and faster until all you can do is let your eyes fall closed.

Sleeping will probably make it better anyway, right?

As the darkness creeps up, seeps into your limbs and chases the pain away, you pray.

You’ve never really prayed much before, but you do today.

You send a prayer to any and all Gods, the old ones and the new, and you ask for forgiveness.

You pray for the safety of your unborn child, and for that of Sarah.

A deep part of your brain knows that you may never open your eyes, and you want your daughter to know that you love her. That she means the world to you and you’ll do all that you can to protect her.

Thinking about Sarah brings a wave of strength seemingly out of nowhere, and for a moment you wonder if the Gods heard you. If this is them sending their aid.

You take a few deep breaths, building up as much strength as you can, and try your luck one last time.

“I’m sorry.”

Your voice isn’t nearly as loud as it should be, and the room is so thickly padded that there’s no way he can hear you.

Hopelessness floods your body and you fall into it.

Your sorrow distracts you from the darkness until it takes hold of you and pulls you down, away from the world of pain that you’ve been trapped in.

And you feel peace.

#Dark Series #dark!fic #dark!au #dark!steve #dark!fanfiction #dark!steve x reader #dark!steve rogers #dark!steve x you #dark Steve rogers #dark steve #dark steve rogers #dark steve x reader #Steve Rogers x reader dark fic #steve x reader dark fic #Steve rogers x reader dark fic

[mochegato]

Even the Losers

Chapter 16

Chapter 1     Chapter 15

Marinette blinked as the room around her slowly came into focus.  She tried to bring her hand up to rub her head to help alleviate her pulsing headache but her hands weren’t responding.  It felt like there was a weight on them.  Or like they were being held down, bound.  Marinette’s eyes flew open and her heart started pounding as she searched the room for the akuma.  She looked at her hands and silently cursed to herself.  Not only were her arms bound to the arms of a wooden chair, she saw her own naked hands instead of her distinct red suit.  

She groaned and looked around for any clues to where she was being held and what the akuma might be.  If she could figure out their powers, she might be able to figure out how to get out of this.  She stopped when she saw a man in a green suit making his way toward her.  She blinked a few more times taking in his suit and hat.  “Is that… are those question marks?  Are you a question akuma?” she muttered out in French.

The man tilted his head at her.  “You’ll find English is necessary if you want to get out of this one alive, young Wayne.”

Marinette stared at the man a few more seconds, letting his words settle in her head as things started to click in her mind.  She wasn’t in Paris.  This wasn’t an akuma, because there weren’t akumas anymore. She and Adrien had defeated his father. She was in Gotham.  She had been on her way home after a disastrous dinner at the Wayne’s. This was a Gotham villain, not a Parisian one.  This was the Riddler.

Marinette breathed out a sigh of relief before her face scrunched in frustration.  “Are you kidding me?  Are you kidding me right now?  You had to do this right now?”

“Oh, I never kid about riddles.  Now, is not the time to panic, Little Lady,” he taunted.

“Oh, you have no fucking clue.  Now is most definitely NOT the time, but you made it the time,” she hissed at him.  “Do you have ANY idea how bad my week is going?  My night?  Do you? Do you have any idea of the trauma and nightmares I’m going to have to deal with already?  And that was before you forced me to witness your suit in person. And can you comprehend the mental and emotional cataclysm I’m already going to have to endure?  And you’re pulling this shit?  Now?”

“I’m just going to ask a few questions and then it’ll all be over and then you can have your little mental breakdown,” he jeered condescendingly.

She narrowed her eyes at him and tried to lunge at him, but her chest was tied to the chair, holding her back, and she’d never hated rope more than she did in that moment.  She growled and glared at him.  “Oh thank you for the permission.  And for the record, it won’t be little.  It’s going to be a monufuckingmental breakdown.  Thank you very much.  Granted it isn’t everything on Earth is destroyed but me and one other person, who caused it in the first place, level of bad.  But I think I’m justified in needing to take a fucking second to think and process. A second I’m not going to fucking get now am I?  Because of you.”  She turned her head to the side in frustration but her eyes got caught on a small red light.  Her mouth dropped open.  “Are you recording this?” she yelled at him.  That complicated things considerably.  Now she needed to watch her words.  Now she needed to make sure she didn’t expose anything.  Well that just sucked even more.

“Well, it wouldn’t be much of a game show without an audience, now would it,” he purred.

She scowled at him.  “By all means, record this to watch later.  Most people aren’t looking to get bitch slapped as hard as you’re going to get so publicly, but to each their own, I guess.  But, consent is a thing and next time, keep me out of it.”

She strained against the ropes holding her hands to the chair arms.  She glowered at him when they proved too tight for her to move her wrists.  “Also, it’s already not much of a game show.  If you have to knock out people and tie them down just to get them to play, either your show sucks or your host does.  Or in this case, both.”

“Now, now,” he snarled, his smile considerably more strained than it had been before.  “We’re just testing the newest Wayne to see how you’re going to fit in.”

“I could have told you that without all this,” she glowered.  “But you wanted to be a big man and ask a question.  So ask your little question.  Be a big man putting a bound, petite, non-native English speaking woman, in her place.  Although if that’s what it takes to make you feel like a man, that’s one of the most pathetic things I’ve ever heard.”

Riddler seethed at her, attempting to keep his face neutral, but failing spectacularly.  One of the Waynes should be afraid of him.  He had been hoping the new one would finally give him a Wayne that cowered in fear.  Instead, he got yet another feral child.  He gripped his question mark staff tightly, fighting the urge to hit her with it.  It was too early to start.  She’d get her punishment soon enough.  He looked up with a grin.  Very soon.

He looked back at her with a sadistic smirk. “Fine.  I’d hate to keep a lady waiting.  Perhaps first I should start with the stakes.”  He moved closer to smile in her face.  “Think well on your answer young Wayne, because for every question you get wrong,” he pointed up with his staff, “a knife falls.”

Marinette let out a deep, annoyed sigh and looked up to see a series of knives tied to the ceiling right above her seat.  She sighed and gave him a flat look. “Really?  That’s the best you could do?  You realize what I’ve been faced with before, right? Or did you not do your research?”  She narrowed her eyes at him.  “You look like a man who never does his research.”

Riddler sidled up to her in a step, his face a few centimeters from her own.  “We can start by testing out the knives if you’d prefer.”

Marinette leaned her head back.  Even if she couldn’t talk him out of making one drop, it wasn’t going to get her.  They would miraculously get diverted just enough to miss her.  Luck could be a bitch when it was against you and he’d left too much up to chance.  “Already changing the rules of the game?  What were you saying about a good game show?  Guess you really don’t care.”

“Fine!” Riddler screamed.  He walked away a few steps and turned back to her with a malicious glint in his eyes.  “Let’s start slow, shall we?  Starting in 1881, this hall brightened Paris’ nights while darkening its satire.  What is the name of this baby of Salis?”

Marinette stared at him blankly for a few seconds. Her face went slack.

Riddler leered down at her, his face breaking into a creepy grin at her apparent inability to answer his question.  “Oh, how sad.”  He gave her a mock pout.  “Looks like the new Wayne isn’t so smart after all.  What do they see in you anyway?  Can’t even answer a simple, easy question.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?”  Marinette finally burst out.

Riddler frowned at her.  Instead of the fear he expected, her voice was incredulous and angry. “That’s the question, if you can’t answer…”

“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?  That’s not a… You’re the Riddler.  That’s not a riddle!  That’s a… are you okay?  Like, seriously.  Are you okay?  Because I think… You know what?”  She took a deep steadying breath.  She opened her eyes to give him a serious look, completely devoid of fear, leaning more towards concerned.  

“I think you need a break.  I think you need to take a bit of time to reassess, refocus, and recenter yourself.  Then you can come back and be the Riddler I know you can be.  Because this,” she tried to motion toward him, “this is not it. That is... that isn't a riddle!  That's trivia!  You inaccurately named, evil Alex Trebek!  This would be a perfect opportunity to say I’m in Jeopardy, clueless asshole. So disappointed right now.”  She shook her head in disappointment, refusing to even look at him.

Riddler seethed at her, his face turning red with anger.  “Look either answer the question or…”

“THAT’S EXACTLY THE PROBLEM!” she screamed at him. “It’s a question, not a riddle.  And you missed a golden opportunity to ask a follow up question and saying it’s Double Jeopardy.  You missed the obvious pun!  This is why I say you need to take a break.  This isn’t you.  You’re better than this, I know you are.  I’m just… I’m worried about your mental health.”  She gave him a concerned look.

“If you can’t answer…” he snapped at her.  He gripped and regripped his question staff menacingly, leaning toward her with a snarl.

Marinette rolled her eyes at the attempt at intimidation. “Of course I can answer.  I’m from Paris and you’re asking about Le Chat Noir? Of course I know the answer.  Let me guess, your next question is about a ladybug,” she chirped, widening her eyes with false excitement.

Her face dropped the false sweetness and turned back into an aggravated frown.  “That’s not the fucking point.  My point is you interrupted my fucking abomination of a night for this bullshit and you’re not even on top of your game.  So I not only get shoved into the spotlight, against my will, by people violating my and my parents’ privacy, forcing Mon… my father to ramp up plans for my introduction.  Making sure my family and I knew we weren’t safe and exposing me to this bullshit along with the other attempts on me since it happened.”

Her frown turned into a disgusted sneer.  “And I was actually afraid for a moment because I thought you were an akuma, but you’re really just an underprepared asshole. It’s insulting frankly.”

Riddler swung his question mark staff at her catching her across her cheek.  He grinned at the blood trickling down her cheek.  Marinette glared up at him but refused to let a grunt of pain pass her lips. “Next question, hopefully this one is more to your liking.”  His eyes took on a malevolent glint.

Marinette’s eyes flicked behind him.  He smirked at her inability to make eye contact any longer. “No,” she interrupted, a smirk forming on her own lips.  “It’s my turn.  I have one for you.  It’s actually in the form of a riddle, if you think you can handle that.”  The Riddler growled at her and moved closer to tower over her threateningly.  “What lights up the day with black against yellow yet lights up the night with yellow against black.  It brings hope to those who see it yet marks your demise.  What is it?”

Riddler narrowed his eyes at her and backed away to get some space while he thought.  He looked down for a second, searching the ground as though it might hold the answer for him.  He suddenly looked up, his eyes bright with realization.  “A signal!” he exclaimed, jumping with excitement.  His face suddenly fell realizing the words that passed his lips.  

He spun around just in time for Signal to punch him in the jaw.  Riddler stumbled back falling backward on his ass.  Signal stalked toward him, eskrima sticks out and ready.  He kept his eyes on Riddler but raised his voice so Marinette could hear him.  “You alright, Ma’am?”

“I’m fine.  Just pissed,” she grunted.  She focused on her bindings, trying to figure out a way to loosen them enough to get out.

Signal smirked and gave a short nod.  “Preying on young women again?  Not a good look for you.”

“Penguin and Scarecrow both tried and couldn’t get to her.  I did,” he said defiantly, his chest puffing out even as he was slumped on the floor. “Penguin got to the museum too early. Scarecrow got to the hotel too late. But me?  I plan better.”

“And got a verbal bitch slap the likes of which Gotham has never seen for your trouble.”  Signal shook his head in mock sympathy and regripped his sticks. “Publicly.”

Riddler sneered at Signal.  “It won’t happen again.”

“You’re damn right it won’t,” Marinette called from her seat.  She pointed at him threateningly with her now miraculously freed right hand.  “Next time I’ll do it physically too.”

Signal grinned proudly and snorted at her comment. Riddler growled before looking back up at Signal with an angry scowl.  “Looks like this show has come to an end.  But we’ll be back after a short break.”  He hit his staff hard on the ground and a gas started emitting from it, obscuring Signal’s view.  Signal backed away and rushed over to Marinette, uncertain if the gas was dangerous.

He pulled out a knife and quickly sliced through the remaining ropes and helped her get free.  “Can you walk?”

Marinette started sprinting toward the exit.  “I can do better than that,” she called over her shoulder.  “You just going to stand there and let the gas get you?”  Signal smirked and followed her out.

She grunted as her shoulder rammed into the doorframe when she miscalculated the distance.  She silently cursed how long it was taking her brain to recover from having been knocked out.  Now out of the room she stopped running and rubbed her head as if willing it to kick back into gear.

“You sure you’re okay?” Signal asked catching up to her.

Marinette couldn’t see his eyes under his mask but the bottom half of his face seemed to be contorted in concern.  She grumbled noncommittally in response and rubbed her shoulder.  She looked around them quickly.  “You sure this is a safe way out?  He has to have had help.  I don’t see him doing his own dirty work.”

Signal nodded.  “He did have help.  But, so do I.”  He nodded behind him.

Marinette craned her neck around him to look behind him. She cringed as she saw Red Hood kneeing someone in the face.  The goon fell limply to the ground, unconscious before he hit.  Red Hood looked up and ran over to them as soon as he spotted her.  “Pi… uh… pretty impressive mouth,” he stuttered.  He looked over her closely as he could without touching her.  His eyes zeroed in on her cheek.

Marinette stared at him for a few seconds missing the incredulous look Signal tried to give him.  “Um… thanks… I think.”  She blinked a few more times before frowning.  “Yeah, can we not talk about my mouth, please?”

Red Hood choked on nothing and shook his head, leaning away, as if trying to get away from the idea.  “I meant your att…” he shook his head again and looked back at her. “Not a problem.  Let’s never talk about it again.  Are you okay?  Did he hurt you anywhere else?”  His eyes scanned her again and stopped at her wrists.

Marinette rubbed her wrists self-consciously. “No…” she started.  “I mean!  No he didn’t hurt me anywhere else.  But I am okay,” she rushed out when she saw him tense up at her words.

“Where is he?” Red Hood growled, still staring at her wrists.

“Got away,” Signal answered.

Red hood rounded on him, his entire body tensed for a fight.  “What do you mean he got away?”

Marinette stepped between them and pushed Red Hood back gently.  “He released some kind of gas.  He got me out of there before we found out what it did.  Seems like a good move considering how he got me in the first place.”

Red Hood looked down at her for a second before looking up to Signal with a nod.  He remembered seeing the gas dissipating when they finally caught up to where she was taken.  It had looked like there was enough to knock out an entire city block.  Definitely overkill, but spoke to Riddler’s desperation to be the first to kidnap her.  “Idea which direction he went?”

Signal sighed a heavy sigh.  “I didn’t see which way he went but it had to be out the west side of the room, but that’s all I got.”

Red Hood nodded and touched his com.  “You got that?”  He paused for a moment listening to whatever was being said over his com.  “Yes, she’s fine.  A few rope burns and a cut on her cheek, but seems okay other than that.”

Signal nodded and laid a hand on her shoulder. “Do you have family we can call?”

Marinette shook her head absentmindedly, the strain of the night starting to hit.  “No, I can call my brother.  He’s probably terrified about me.”

Red Hood seemed to freeze.  “Just… the one brother?  You… aren’t you one of the Waynes?”

Marinette’s eyes widened and her face paled.  She plastered a smile on her face. “Right.  Yes.  Of course. I… I meant my one brother was with me at the time.  Yes. Yeah.  The Waynes are my family.  I’m a… I’m… Yeah, I’m a… Wayne,” she barely managed to get the word out of her mouth.  It felt wrong and foreign on her tongue.  She smiled wider at them.  “But you don’t… you don’t have to bother them.  They’re all busy.”

“Yeah, looking for you,” Red Hood answered back sharply.  “They’re the ones that called us.  They’re terrified right now.”

“I think they’d want to know,” Signal urged gently, his voice heartfelt and slightly pained.

She let out a bitter scoff before she could stop herself.  She squeezed her eyes shut and mentally berated her still drugged mind for letting that slip out.  “I meant,” she started loudly, “I’ll inform someone.  They’d want to… hear it from me,” she finished quietly.

Red Hood took a breath and moved closer to her, gently resting his hands on her shoulders.  “I promise you, they’re worried about you and they would want to know. They’d want to make sure you’re okay. They’d want to make sure you feel safe. They would want to protect you. In fact, I’d expect to see a lot more of them over the next few days.”

Marinette opened her mouth to answer but got interrupted by the police breaking into the room.  Marinette pursed her lips and seemed to let a calm come over her.  Red Hood looked harder at her change as the police led her off to take her statement.  No, it wasn’t calm.  It was a numbness, an absence of any feelings.  His face contorted into a scowl.  Exactly what Adrien had described.  “You get that,” Red Hood snapped into his com.  He waited a few seconds before shaking his head.  

“That’s a fool’s bet,” Signal scoffed.  “Of course she’s not going to.  She might send a text.  And even then I bet it won’t be much.”

Red Hood listened for a few more seconds before he shook his head again.  “I’m not taking that bet either.”  He watched as Adrien just stopped himself from tackling Marinette in his excitement to see her again.  After what looked like a worried conversation, he saw Adrien pull her into a tight hug and Marinette melt into it.  “We need to fix this and quick before B does anything else to completely destroy any chance we have,” Red Hood snarled.  He turned and started grappling away.  “I’m going rogue hunting.”

Chapter 17

Tags:

@maribat-bdbwm @jayjayspixiepop @redscarlet95 @alice-hazelwood @deathssilentapproach-blog @unoriginalmess @alyssadeliv @emotionalsupportginger @frieddonutsweets @when-no-wings-do-broomsticks @toodaloo-kangaroo @colorfulmongerpsychicranch @iloontjeboontje @wolf-for-life @maribatserver @aespades @prettylittlebutterflie @imarivers8  @ certainmuffinbagelcalzone @ritacrow-blog @unoriginalmess @demonicbusiness @kking13 @lady-bee-fechin @blur-of-colours @kittenmywaythrulife @kashlyn @loysydark

#maribat #bio!dad bruce #bio dad bruce wayne #roynette #Even the Losers #mbdbwm2021 #prompt - last name Wayne

[wheelsup]

the taming of the shrew | two

if i be waspish, best beware my sting

after some setbacks, penelope is willing to do anything to get you back on board. but has spencer already ruined things?

A/N: hello! im so sorry that this posting schedule is super inconsistent. the more i thought about this chapter, the less i liked the more technical aspects of it. but! i hope you enjoy to plot aspect of it nonetheless <3 thanks for reading!

category: fluff, slow burn series, spencer reid x fem!reader

wc: 4.4k

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Since that phone call with Penelope, she’d been over nearly every night for a week with plates of treats and onslaughts of apologies. Each time she came knocking, you told her there was no amount of persuasion that could change your mind. And yet the following night, she’d be there, a new type of pastry in hand and a new set of reasons why Spencer was worth the trouble.

First, she brought blueberry muffins and reasoned that deep below that prickly exterior, he really was everything she promised –– sweet and caring. But that must be deep, deep down. Like, The Lost City of Atlantis, deep down, because you didn’t expect it to surface any time soon. 

Then, she brought fudge brownies and explained that his behavior wasn’t personal –– he was getting snippy with everyone lately. And while you maintained that anybody would have a hard time getting along with Spencer, you were absolutely positive that it was now impossible for you. 

Quite frankly, it wasn’t just Spencer who was unwilling to play nice. You hated him. More than you’ve ever hated a stranger. 

You wished him a lifetime riddled with minor inconveniences that would drive him to the edge of insanity. You wanted him to miss all his trains by just a quarter of a minute; close enough so that he could see it leave the platform, knowing he almost made it on. You wanted him to constantly feel like he was about to sneeze. You wanted his socks to be perpetually wet, and if he should happen to put on a dry pair? You hoped he stepped in a puddle.

That was all you could think about as you laid out on your couch, munching on one of Penelope’s lemon bars while she paced around your apartment. She kept going on and on advertising Spencer to you. As annoying as it was, she was also saving you a ton on groceries that week. 

For the most part, you filtered her out. Not a single word that came out of her mouth was believable anymore, especially not when she was talking about Spencer. Despite what Penelope thought of him, you saw in him what she refused to accept. 

As her speech came to a close, she looked at you like she expected a response to dignify her prattling. 

“Give it a rest, Penelope. He’s a lost cause,” you laughed dryly. “He doesn’t need –– nor does he want –– anyone in his life.” At the very least, he definitely didn’t want you. 

“Yes, that’s the problem!” If you’d been listening to her, you would’ve heard her saying the same thing. “He doesn’t want to date!” 

Your head just about exploded when she said that. 

There had been countless, fruitless conversations about this, and all along she saw the gaping hole in her supposedly airtight plan?

“If he doesn’t want to DATE, then WHAT was the point of this?!” Your fingers pressed the bridge of your nose; you suddenly felt a headache coming on. Funny how it always happened around the time of day that Penelope came to visit.

Penelope stopped pacing. She stalked over to your couch, picked your legs up by your ankle, and moved them to make space for herself. You begrudgingly sat upright as she took her place beside you. 

“Because he’s not himself anymore. He’s not open like he used to be. Not to the people who care about him the most, and certainly not to the world.”  

Penelope toyed with the hem of her dress, distracting herself from her quivering lip before pressing on, “Spencer Reid has always wanted love. And it’s not right that he no longer believes he can have it.” 

You hadn’t seen Penelope look so desperate until now. It was concerning. Because what could make her look so hopeless? What could make Spencer so hopeless? 

“Penelope, I don’t know what’s wrong with your little friend, but… there’s a lot more bubbling inside him than you’re letting on.” 

She chewed up the insides of her cheeks, wincing to herself at your incredibly accurate claim. 

“You are hiding something, aren’t you?” You narrowed your eyes on her. You were no detective, or whatever exactly her team did, but she was just awful at concealing her thoughts.

“It’s not my story to tell,” she murmured. 

She could already feel herself about to give it away and doubled down her mental defenses against it. Focusing extra hard on keeping Spencer’s privacy intact. If only you knew her track record with secrets, you’d be proud of her for staying quiet this long.

“What isn’t your story?” 

“That his girlfriend died last year.” 

She spilled it before she even realized what she was saying. You’d just asked so nonchalantly that she forgot she was talking aloud. Penelope turned purple, terrified now that the whole truth was out there. 

You couldn’t even take satisfaction in the fact that your trick worked. You were just as mortified as Penelope, and if you weren’t already sitting down, you knew you’d need to. You assumed there was something deeper going on with him, you didn’t think it was a dead girlfriend. That was some Nicholas Sparks shit. 

“He pretends like he’s fine but I know he’s not. And if he found a way to move on, maybe he’d start feeling as okay as he claims to be,” she sniffled before snot could run from her nose, tears lining the rims of her eyes. “I know I should’ve given you the full picture, but I didn’t think you’d go for it if you knew…” 

You were too floored to process it all right away. This added a whole new layer of complicated to an already uneasy arrangement.

“Well, I know you’re right about one thing. I would’ve said no.” 

She gave you a set of pleading eyes, praying you’d see where she was coming from. 

“I know,” she whispered defeatedly. “But maybe... now that you know, you can understand why he acts out the way he does.”

“Penelope, I can’t just… make someone move on, or –– or get them to believe in love! Especially when it’s fake.”

How on Earth did she expect you to pull that off? Did that guy from A Walk to Remember move on when Mandy Moore died? You hadn’t seen the ending of the movie, but you assumed not. 

“I’m sorry, this is just… a lot bigger than the favor I thought it was ––”

“What if I could return it?” she cut in. The gears in her head started to turn, figuring ways to patch up the holes she made. 

“There’s nothing I need from you.” 

That couldn’t be true. Penelope looked around the room and it didn’t take her long to think of it.

“I can help you sell your art,” she tempted, gesturing to the scattered canvases. “You make all your income from this, right?” 

You didn’t want to give any fuel to her fire, but you nodded. “What if… what if you didn’t have to settle for local buyers? What if I told you that you could make way more money selling them to the whole world?”

You chortled at her idea. 

You were a local artist, through and through. Your art got put in local galleries and sold to local buyers. Nothing more, and that was fine with you. You realized it a long time ago that it was just a pipe dream to think you’d be more. 

“I’m serious! You could get a separate painting studio, and stop living in one? Huh?” She wrapped her hand around your shoulder, waving the other in the air, urging you to picture it with her. “Imagine this: a kitchen that’s separate from your living room. A bed, inside it’s own four walls, and more than twelve feet from where you cook your meals.”

Pushing aside her so blatantly insulting your apartment, if that were a possibility, you’d want nothing more. But it already sounded foolish and you hadn’t even heard how she planned to pull it off. 

“Penelope, I’m fine where I am. I make the money I need, and that’s... it’s fine.”

She gave you a pointed look. “You know, I can hack all search engine results to make sure you are what comes up first anytime someone enters the word ‘painting’, right?

An airy chuckle left your lips. Of course she could. You patted her thigh twice and stood up, prompting her to follow you to your door –– hopefully, so she can show herself to the other side of it. “Still no, Pen.” 

“Just take some time to think about it!” Her voice carried through the wood as you shut it on her.

*

There was this one bench in Kenilworth Park – the one that overlooks the crystal clear pond – that you’d always been able to rely on to fix any problem.

There was hidden magic in the bushes that sprawled out from the edges of the water, surrounded by spiky green blades of overgrown grass. A simplicity you loved in baby ducklings paddling into the tiny body of water, swimming close together so they don’t get lost in, what seems to them, a whole ocean. And clarity provided by the freshest air in the world, under the shade of the big oak trees on a late summer afternoon.

But at the present, none of that came close to being enough.

The artist’s block started off as a minor inconvenience, but without your permission, had stretched into weeks of steadily declining motivation. Each new idea felt even worse than the last, and you were acutely aware that there would come a point where you’d officially hit maximum capacity for how awful they could get.

Still, that didn’t seem to light a fire under you. You happily coexisted with the blank pages of your sketchbook. Staring down at them, laying open on your lap in their stark-white glory, you felt like you were playing a waiting game. If you stared long and hard enough, maybe they’d flinch. 

Unfortunately, you never got to find out who won, because your phone rang inside your pocket. As if the caller had interrupted an incredible genius at work (which couldn’t be farther from the truth), you hastily raised the phone to your ear, slamming your sketchbook shut.

“Hello?” Your voice wasn’t as kind as it could be for someone with nothing better to be doing. Two seconds later, you learned who was calling and came to regret it.

“Hi, This is Rebecca from District Arts, calling with a message from Andre ––”

“Oh, hi!” you tried to walk back your previous tone, straightening up in your seat and pitching your voice higher, “Yeah, I’ve been waiting to hear from him!” 

While Rebecca intimidated you, Andre happened to be your closest friend at the gallery. He worked closely with the artists to curate their collection and help them make sales. 

“Does he want to sort out what to set the opening bid prices at for my new pieces?” A handful of days ago, you sent him pictures of your new work and were waiting to hear his thoughts. You’d always been able to trust his opinion, and a vote of confidence from him might be just the thing to inspire you.

“Uhm…” There was a criminally long pause on the other side of the line, ended by Rebecca’s weary inhale. “Unfortunately, we’re calling to inform you that your pieces will not be included in the next rotation.”

For a minute, you weren’t sure what to make of what she said. You’d never heard those words before.

“What – what do you mean?” you laughed nervously. She probably misspoke. Perks of friendship aside, Andre always included you in sets. 

“Ugh, let me just get him…” her voice faded away as she put the phone down. 

That wasn’t exactly the reassuring statement you were looking for. In the time it took for the call to switch hands, your confusion finally melted in. And then quickly boiled into anger.

The District Arts gallery changed their entire collection every two months. The pieces shown accepted rolling bids throughout the full eight weeks, finally selling at the end of term to their highest offer. After that, the pieces got taken down, sent to happy new owners, and the entire gallery reset with entirely new works. 

So if you missed one rotation, that meant waiting two months to get back in.

“Andre, how am I just cut from the gallery!” you barked before he could get a word in. If he didn’t like your work, he could’ve just said so. 

“No one said that ––”

“Okay, let me rephrase.” You pinched the bridge of your nose, something you found yourself doing quite frequently lately, and took a deep breath in and out. It was seemingly just for show because it did absolutely nothing to calm you down. “Why wouldn’t you put me in the next set? I’m in all of them!”

“I know you are!” He sounded just as upset. “It’s just that… we give you the biggest space we have, because you always manage to fill it up. But this time… I’m not so sure you can.”

“That’s ridiculous,” you scoffed. “What makes you say that?” You asked that, but you knew.

“You’ve only finished three pieces… I’m worried how you’ll deliver seven more before we set up.”

“But… it’s four weeks away, I could do ––”

“And it took you four weeks to make what you have... I’m sorry. We couldn’t take that gamble.” 

He took your silence as an opportunity to turn off the work talk and speak, just friend to friend. 

“You know that I trust you and I’d hold that spot if I could. But, I also know what you’re going through right now, and… I don’t know, maybe letting yourself rest would be a good thing?” 

Your heart paused. By, “knowing what you’re going through”, you assumed he didn’t mean the little artist’s block.

“If you’re implying that I can’t do my job because of what happened with Cyrus –”

“I’m not, I’m not....” he backtracked as quickly as he could. “But take another look at the paintings you showed me and tell me if they feel like you.”

Even if he was right, you wanted to fight him. You wanted to cry. You wanted to beg that you didn’t need that big space; you were willing to downsize and just turn in the three that you had. Even if they got shoved into the corner where hardly anybody bothered to look. You just couldn’t afford to go two months without the income. 

But even with tears beading up, you realized that the gallery couldn’t afford it either. They needed to bring in money and you couldn’t do that for them this time. So they were right to go to someone who can.

“Right,” you sniffled, recollecting yourself so he can’t hear the shakiness in your voice. “I understand. It’s a big risk, like you said… It’s for the better.”

Andre tried to thank you for being understanding and spewed some sort of encouragement. The words flew over your head. You managed to toss in a few ‘mhmm’s and ‘sure’s at the right places to coast you along until the call finally ended. 

As soon as it went dead, you dropped your phone to the side and brought your hands to your face, rubbing them furiously over your cheeks. Your fingertips pressed hard into your eyelids, trying to forcibly reabsorb the tears threatening to spill. 

It almost worked, until you tried to breathe. 

A full sob escaped in that one gulp of air and you succumbed to it. But the loud crunching noise of some pedestrian walking over the falling leaves destroyed your sense of privacy, and you quickly wiped away all signs of your breakdown. The crunching stopped just short of your bench and on instinct you flicked your eyes up to see who the intruder was.

You did a double take. It was him. That fucking asshole.

He was standing there, looking dumber than you could even remember, with his hands in his coat pockets and a curious look on his face as he watched you cry. Tucking your sketchbook under your arm in haste, you made it a point to stand up with as much aggression as possible, rolling your eyes at him.

“Don’t worry, I’m leaving,” you barked. “No need to yell at me this time.”

You bristled past him, barely refraining yourself from checking his shoulder as payback. You wanted to believe you were better than him, but it did sound incredibly tempting. He stood there for a moment before turning on his heel and following you.

“Wait,” he groaned.

You didn’t listen, neither stopping nor slowing down.

“I said wait,” he huffed as he caught up to you, popping up at your side and jogging along as you kept going.

“Yeah, because I need to listen to a guy who yells at strangers in bookstores.” 

Now that you’d brought up the elephant in the room, your feet started moving even faster, working double time to get you away from him.

Damn the fact that he had those long legs. He didn’t even break a sweat trying to keep up. He was inescapable.

“Well, if you waited like I asked, you would’ve gotten an apology for the ––”

“Gee, thanks!” you yelled, stopping for only a second to turn to him and give him a mocking bow of your head, hands clasped together like you were praising at his altar. “I was waiting with bated breath for that! Thank you, kind sir, for now my life can go on.”

“Look, I’m actually sorry,” he snapped. Then in realizing the irony, softened his voice, “I’m sorry for being rude. I was having a bad day… not that that’s an excuse.”

You stared at him blankly, just watching his mouth moving quickly and waiting until it finally stopped. 

“Did you need something?” 

“Did you… did you not hear what I just said?!” 

“No, sorry,” you smiled, voice sweet like sugar. “My ears filter bullshit. Wanna try again?”

He scoffed, looking away like he couldn’t believe you before stepping even closer. “What’s your problem?”

“Me!? The fuck –– what the fuck is your problem?” You turned and stormed off again, seething at his audacity. Spencer just couldn’t relent his annoying tendencies and followed yet again.

“My problem is that I’m trying to be nice, and you’re not letting me!”

You got a good, hard laugh out of that. “Okay, first of all, having to apologize for yelling at me and pushing me isn’t exactly the best starting point for the journey of becoming a nice person.”

“Like I said, I was having a bad day.” 

Under your breath, you muttered, “Well, I hope this one’s even worse.”

“Why are you such a ––” He stopped himself from finishing that thought. Even in his worst mood, he wouldn’t cross that line. 

But he didn’t need to finish it, you knew exactly where he wanted to take it. The soles of your shoes scraped against the loose gravel as you came to a grinding halt, ears ringing.

“A what?” You turned to face him, a sarcastic smile on your face growing wider as he started to shrink more and more. You got up close in his face, daring him to say what he really wanted to. So he could reinforce your belief in exactly the type of person he was. “A what?” 

Spencer pursed his lips and shook his head, refusing to say it no matter how much you challenged him. If he wasn’t going to have the balls to say it, you decided to take it upon yourself.

“Tell you what, you keep thinking about it and get back to me the next time you’re in a cunty mood.” 

The word he was thinking of was probably not as bad, but you had a habit of escalating things. Even if you took this one too far, you didn’t care. 

Before you tried to take off again, Spencer’s hand flew to your elbow. He tugged you back, forcing you to turn around and face him. He didn’t know his own strength; without any resistance, you came stumbling into his chest, at risk of falling over if it weren’t for his tight grip on your arm.

It took you a beat to push him away with both your hands on his chest, vocalizing your disgust for being so close to him. 

“Can you stop trying to disagree with me for a second? I’m trying to tell you that you’re right, I was being a… well, you know…” He avoided the word. Apparently ‘cunt’ was where he drew the line. “I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve it.” 

Your nostrils were still flared and blood hot as ever, but he made you pause. He looked sincere, if not a little tinged with guilt as well. You were suspicious of it.

“You saw me crying and felt bad, didn’t you?”

He laughed darkly. “Well, I saw you, yes. Did I feel bad? No.” 

“Oh, my God,” you growled, berating yourself for getting close to believing he might be capable of decency. 

“I’m joking! I’m joking.” He squeezed your elbow twice in earnest. “I did feel bad, but that’s not why I wanted to say it.”

“Okay.” You weren’t ready to give him a real smile, so you flattened your lips into a thin line and nodded once slowly, and left it at that. 

You still weren’t a fan, but the apology did dampen some of the resentment. Maybe he wasn’t the worst person alive. You’d settle for saying top ten most annoying, instead.

Minutes later, you came to the startling realization that he was still on the path, just two paces behind you. You flinched when you saw him out of the corner of your eye, not expecting him to still be here. 

“Uhm. Where are you… why are you still following me?” 

“I’m not. My car’s that way,” he gestured to the parking lot at the end of the long walkway. “I forgot my loaf for the ducks.” He didn’t mean to offer that information up, it just slipped out. He could practically see your smug expression coming before it even got there.

“You’re not supposed to feed bread to the ducks. It’s bad for them.”

“I don’t.” He didn’t care to explain this to you, but he couldn’t have you thinking he was any less competent than he really was. “It’s a special bread made from water and seeds that were ground into flour. It’s duck-safe.” 

“They make duck-safe bread?” Now that was something you’d never heard before. 

“No… I make duck-safe bread,” he said softly under his breath. 

You didn’t know how else you were supposed to react to that besides laughing wildly. 

“You make it?” He nodded like you were the crazy one here. As if he wasn’t the one spending his spare time grinding up seeds and baking loaves of bread for ducks, donning a frilly pink apron and oven mitts as he did so. At least that’s how you imagined it. “Why not just feed them the seeds?”

“Because, loose seeds will sink in the water and can potentially clog waterbeds and cause foreign bacteria growth in the pond.” 

“So you… hand-make the seeds into a little loaf of bread so it doesn't do that?”

He confirmed. You pondered silently for a moment, then absolutely had to ask, “You ever eaten the duck bread before?”

Spencer was caught off guard by that question. His cheeks deepened to a rosy color.

“Yeah, well, it was the house so…” he laughed nervously and stared at his sneakers. “It’s actually not too bad.”

You weren’t entirely surprised by that. You remembered what his grocery basket looked like, and given those same options, you probably would’ve tried the duck bread too. Still, you cracked the smallest of grins at knowing he makes bread for ducks. The one, sole redeeming fact you’ve learned about Spencer. 

You reached your car first, and Spencer stopped in front of it with you. 

“I’m actually sorry, you know,” he whispered once more, hand resting at the top of your car door as you opened it. He wasn’t talking about the incident at the bookstore.

“Yeah…” For a while you were so busy being angry at Spencer that you forgot about your own problems. 

He noticed your nose was still red around the edges, eyes still a little bleary. “Are you okay, by the way?” His voice was too soft, too genuine.

You shook your head no.

“Is there anything I can do?” You shook your head again. And then you had an awful thought.

You knew he was just offering to help just to say it, because that’s how people react when you say you’re not okay even if they don’t care. But there actually was something he could do for you… Something that Penelope could do.

“Uh, no but…” you fixed your hair and tucked it behind your ear, seamlessly switching to a flirtier voice. “If you still feel bad about the other day, you’re welcome to make it up to me.”

Spencer cocked his head to the side, unsure of how he could do that. 

“Hang out with me sometime.”

“H-hang out?” You could tell that it flustered him, even if he tried to play it off. He swallowed thickly, nose twitching and brows scrunched together.

“Relax, I really do just mean hang out.” You were lying through your teeth. He didn’t need to know that. 

As if he didn’t want to think about it for a second longer and just get out of this conversation as quickly as possible, he agreed without thinking it through. He didn’t even ask why an almost complete stranger would want to hang out with him. 

You stuck your hand out, expecting him to hand over his cell so you could put your contact into it. He rocked on the balls of his feet, watching as you input your contact and sent yourself a text on his phone.

“Hi, this is…” you read out your message as you typed, pausing at just the right place. “What’s your name by the way?”

“Oh-uh, I’m Spencer.” 

A devilish grin took over your face, hidden from his view while you were looking down at the screen. He was going to be easy to fool.

-

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agh! im still not in love with how this chapter is turning out, but it came to a point where i just had to stop fiddling with it and just post it. any feedback or comments about this story is very much appreciated 💕

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#spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x fem!reader #spencer reid series #spencer reid fluff #spencer reid slow burn #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid self insert #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid fic #spencer reid x you #spencer reid enemies to lovers #criminal minds fic #mgg