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birdlord · 4 years

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Every Book I Read in 2019

This was a heavier reading year for me (heavier culture-consumption year in general) partly because my partner started logging his books read, and then, of course, it’s a competition.

01 Morvern Callar; Alan Warner - One of the starkest books I’ve ever read. What is it about Scotland that breeds writers with such brutal, distant perspectives on life? Must be all the rocks.

02 21 Things You Might Not Know About the Indian Act; Bob Joseph - I haven’t had much education in Canada’s relationship to the Indigenous nations that came before it, so this opened things up for me quite a bit. The first and most fundamental awakening is to the fact that this is not a story of progress from worse to better (which is what a simplistic, grade school understanding of smallpox blankets>residential schools>reserves would tell you), in fact, the nation to nation relationship of early contact was often superior to what we have today. I wish there was more of a call to action, but apparently a sequel is on its way.

03 The Plot Against America; Philip Roth - An alternative history that in some ways mirrors our present. I did feel like I was always waiting for something to happen, but I suppose the point is that, even at the end of the world, disasters proceed incrementally.

04 Sabrina; Nick Drnaso - The blank art style and lack of contrast in the colouring of each page really reinforces the feeling of impersonal vacancy between most of the characters. I wonder how this will read in the future, as it’s very much based in today’s relationship to friends and technology.

05 Perfumes: The Guide; Luca Turn & Tania Sanchez - One of the things I like to do when I need to turn my brain off online is reading perfume reviews. That’s where I found out about this book, which runs through different scent families and reviews specific well-known perfumes. Every topic has its boffins, and these two are particularly witty and readable.

06 Adventures in the Screen Trade; William Goldman - Reading this made me realize how little of the cinema of the 1970s I’ve actually seen, beyond the usual heavy hitters. Ultimately I found this pretty thin, a few peices of advice stitched together with anecdotes about a Hollywood that is barely recognizable today.

07 The Age of Innocence; Edith Wharton - A love triangle in which the fulcrum is a terribly irritating person, someone who thinks himself far more outré than he is. Nonetheless, I was taken in by this story of “rebellion”, such as it was, to be compelling.

08 Boom Town: The Fantastical Saga of Oklahoma City, Its Chaotic Founding, Its Apocalyptic Weather, Its Purloined Basketball Team, and the Dream of Becoming a World-class Metropolis; Sam Anderson - Like a novel that follows various separate characters, this book switches between tales of the founding of Oklahoma City with basketball facts and encounters with various oddball city residents. It’s certainly a fun ride, but you may find, as I did, that some parts of the narrative interest you more than others. Longest subtitle ever?

09 World of Yesterday; Stefan Zweig - A memoir of pre-war Austria and its artistic communities, told by one of its best-known exports. Particularly wrenching with regards to the buildup to WWII, from the perspective of those who had been through this experience before, so recently.

10 Teach us to Sit Still: A Sceptic’s Search for Health and Healing; Tim Parks - A writer finds himself plagued by pain that conventional doctors aren’t able to cure, so he heads further afield to see if he can use stillness-of-mind to ease the pain, all the while complaining as you would expect a sceptic to do. His digressions into literature were a bit hard to take (I’m sure you’re not Coleridge, my man).

11 The Power of Moments: Why Certain Experiences have Extraordinary Impact; Chip & Dan Heath - I read this for work-related reasons, with the intention of improving my ability to make exhibitions and interpretation. It has a certain sort of self-helpish structure, with anecdotes starting each chapter and a simple lesson drawn from each one. Not a bad read if you work in a public-facing capacity.

12 Against Everything: Essays; Mark Greif - The founder of N+1 collects a disparate selection of essays, written over a period of several years. You won’t love them all, but hey, you can always skip those ones!

13 See What I Have Done; Sarah Schmidt - A retelling of the Lizzie Borden story, which I’d seen a lot of good reviews for. Sadly this didn’t measure up, for me. There’s a lot of stage setting (rotting food plays an important part) but there’s not a lot of substance there.

14 Like a Mother: A Feminist Journey Through the Science and Culture of Pregnancy; Angela Garber - This is another one that came to me very highly recommended. Garber seems to think these topics are not as well-covered as they are, but she does a good job researching and retelling tales of pregnancy, birth, postpartum difficulties and breastfeeding.

15 Rebecca; Daphne du Maurier - This was my favourite book club book of the year. I’d always had an impression of...trashiness I guess? around du Maurier, but this is a classic thriller. Maybe the first time I’ve ever read, rather than watched, a thriller! That’s on me.

16 O’Keefe: The Life of an American Legend; Jeffrey Hogrefe - I went to New Mexico for the first time this spring, and a colleague lent me this Georgia O’Keefe biography after I returned. I hadn’t known much about her personal life before this, aside from what I learned at her museum in Santa Fe. The author has made the decision that much of O’Keefe’s life was determined by childhood incest, but doesn’t have what you might call….evidence?

17 A Lost Lady; Willa Cather - A turn-of-the-20th century story about an upper-class woman and her young admirer Neil. I’ve never read any other Cather, but this felt very similar to the Wharton I also read this year, which I gather isn’t typical of her.

18 The Year of Living Danishly: My Twelve Months of Unearthing the Secrets of the World’s Happiest Country; Helen Russell - A British journalist moves to small-town Denmark with her husband, and although the distances are not long, there’s a considerable culture shock. Made me want to eat pastries in a BIG WAY.

19 How Not to be a Boy; Robert Webb - The title gives a clue to the framing device of this book, which is fundamentally a celebrity memoir, albeit one that largely ignores the celebrity part of his life in favour of an examination of the effects of patriarchy on boys’ development as human beings.

20 The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (And Your Children Will be Glad that You Did); Philippa Perry; A psychotherapist’s take on how parents’ own upbringing affects the way they interact with their own kids.

21 The Library Book; Susan Orlean - This book has stuck with me more than I imagined that it would. It covers both the history of libraries in the USA, and the story of the arson of the LA Public Library’s central branch in 1986.

22 We Are Never Meeting in Real Life; Samantha Irby - I’ve been reading Irby’s blog for years, and follow her on social media. So I knew the level of raunch and near body-horror to expect in this essay collection. This did fill in a lot of gaps in terms of her life, which added a lot more blackness (hey) to the humour.

23 State of Wonder; Ann Patchett - A semi-riff on Heart of Darkness involving an OB/GYN who now works for a pharmaceutical company, heading to the jungle to retrieve another researcher who has gone all Colonel Kurtz on them. I found it a bit unsatisfying, but the descriptions were, admittedly, great.

24 Disappearing Earth; Julia Phillips - A story of an abduction of two girls in very remote Russia, each chapter told by another townsperson. The connections between the narrators of each chapter are sometimes obvious, but not always. Ending a little tidy, but plays against expectations for a book like this.

25 Ethan Frome; Edith Wharton - I gather this is a typical high school read, but I’d never got to it. In case you’re in the same boat as me, it’s a short, mildly melodramatic romantic tragedy set in the new england winter. It lacks the focus on class that other Whartons have, but certainly keeps the same strong sense that once you’ve made a choice, you’re stuck with it. FOREVER.

26 Educated; Tara Westover - This memoir of a Mormon fundamentalist-turned-Academic-superstar was huge on everyone’s reading lists a couple of years back, and I finally got to it. It felt similar to me in some ways to the Glass Castle, in terms of the nearly-unbelievable amounts of hell she and her family go through at the hands of her father and his Big Ideas. I found that it lacked real contemplation of the culture shock of moving from the rural mountain west to, say, Cambridge.

27 Dead Wake: The Last Crossing of Lusitania; Erik Larson - I’m a sucker for a story of a passenger liner, any non-Titanic passenger liner, really. Plus Lusitania’s story has interesting resonances for the US entry into WWI, and we see the perspective of the U-boat captain as well as people on land, and Lusitania’s own passengers and crew.

28 The Birds and Other Stories; Daphne du Maurier - The title story is the one that stuck in my head most strongly, which isn’t any surprise. I found it much more harrowing than the film, it had a really effective sense of gradually increasing dread and inevitability.

29 Someone Who Will Love You in All Your Faded Glory; Raphael Bob-Waksberg - Hit or miss in the usual way of short story collections, this book has a real debt to George Saunders.

30 Sex & Rage; Eve Babitz - a sort of pseudo-autobiography of an indolent life in the LA scene of the 1970s. It was sometimes very difficult to see how the protagonist actually felt about anything, which is a frequent, acute symptom of youth.

31 Doctor Fischer of Geneva or The Bomb Party; Graham Greene - Gotta love a book with an alternate title built in. This is a broad (the characters? are, without exception, insane?!) satire about a world I know little about. I don’t have a lot of patience or interest in Greene’s religious allegories, but it’s a fine enough story.

32 Lathe of Heaven; Ursula K LeGuin - Near-future sci-fi that is incredibly prescient about the effects of climate change for a book written over forty years ago. The book has amazing world-building, and the first half has the whirlwind feel of Homer going back in time, killing butterflies and returning to the present to see what changes he has wrought.

33 The Grammarians; Cathleen Schine - Rarely have I read a book whose jacket description of the plot seems so very distant from what actually happens therein.

34 The Boy Kings: A Journey Into the Heart of the Social Network; Katharine Losse - Losse was one of Facebook’s very earliest employees, and she charts her experience with the company in this memoir from 2012. Do you even recall what Facebook was like in 2012? They hadn’t even altered the results of elections yet! Zuck was a mere MULTI-MILLIONAIRE, probably. Were we ever so young?

35 Invisible Women; Caroline Ciado Perez - If you want to read a book that will make you angry, so angry that you repeatedly assail whoever is around with facts taken from it, then this, my friend, is the book for you.

36 The Hidden World of the Fox; Adele Brand - A really charming look at the fox from an ecologist who has studied them around the world. Much of it takes place in the UK, where urban foxes take on a similar ecological niche that raccoons famously do where I live, in Toronto.

37 S; Doug Dorst & JJ Abrams - This is a real mindfuck of a book, consisting of a faux-old novel, with marginalia added by two students which follows its own narrative. A difficult read not because of the density of prose, but the sheer logistics involved: read the page, then the marginalia? Read the marginalia interspersed with the novel text? Go back chapter by chapter? I’m not sure that either story was worth the trouble, in the end.

38 American War; Omar El Akkad - This is not exclusively, but partially a climate-based speculative novel, or, grossly, cli-fi for short. Ugh, what a term! But this book is a really tight, and realistic look at the results of a fossil-fuels-based second US Civil War.

39 Antisocial: Online Extremists, Techno-Utopians, and the Hijacking of the American Conversation; Andrew Marantz - This is the guy you’ll hear on every NPR story talking about his semi-embedding within the Extremely Online alt-right. Most of the figures he profiles come off basically how you’d expect, I found his conclusions about the ways these groups have chosen to use online media tools to achieve their ends the most illuminating part.

40 Wilding: The Return of Nature to a British Farm; Isabella Tree - This is the story of a long process of transitioning a rural acreage (more of an estate than a farm, this is aristocratic shit) from intensive agriculture to something closer to wild land. There are long passages where Tree (ahem) simply lists species which have come back, which I’m sure is fascinating if you are from the area, but I tended to glaze over a bit. Experts from around the UK and other European nations weigh in on how best to rewild the space, which places the project in a wider context.

FICTON: 17 NONFICTION: 23

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azariahvanora · 6 years

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Stardust Crusaders: Around The World Chapter 5: Dark Blue Moon!

https://archiveofourown.org/works/15860409/chapters/38002982#workskin

It was a bright sunny day and the Crusaders have just left Hong Kong.

“To get from Hong Kong to Singapore, we’ll be in the ocean for a good three days. We should take this time to relax and keep our spirits up.” Joseph informed.

"But...” He looked over at the two students who were relaxing on the lounge chairs.

Noriko was casually reading a book and Jotaro had both hands behind his head with a leg over the other.

“Can't you both do something about those damn uniforms? You’re not planning on wearing them the entire journey now, are you? Aren’t you both hot?”

Noriko glanced up at Joseph. “Well, we are students, Mr. Joestar.” She replied with a smile. “And good students should behave as students. Though we might be pushing it a bit...” She resumed back in her reading.

“Hmph.” Jotaro grunted under his breath.

Joseph crossed his arms, “Why are Japanese students so stiff?!”

“I see.... this is like Bushido.” Avdol remarked as he and Polnareff were by the railings.

“Girls won’t fall for stiffs like you Jotaro,” Polnareff began as he stepped away from the railing. He looked over at Noriko. “Am I right, Noriko? I’m sure a girl like yourself wouldn’t fall for someone who’s stiff.”

Noriko averted her eyes at Polnareff, closing her book. “Well, I really can’t answer that since I’ve never fallen in love nor liked anyone before.”

Polnareff’s jaw dropped. “Are you serious?! A beauty like yourself has never had a boyfriend?! Not even your first kiss?!”

“Well…” Noriko shyly looked away, “...no I haven’t.” She muttered quietly but the Frenchman heard her very clear.

The thought of being in a relationship sometimes crossed her mind. She often wondered how will her significant other understand and relate to her about Stands. Will she have to hide it from him? Will he ever believe it? Would he think she’s crazy?

She always felt different from everyone especially with the girls in her old school. She would hear the girls gossip to one another about their boyfriends/crushes, making plans after school or during the weekend. She didn’t like to admit it but she was actually pretty jealous.

At school, she was known as a loner and an honor student. Nobody hated nor made fun of her. It was something Noriko chose because nobody would understand her.

Polnareff walked over to her and got on one knee grabbing her soft hand.

“Look,” He began.

The red-headed girl averted her eyes at him.

“You don’t have to be upset because you haven’t been in a relationship. Maybe you haven’t found the one nor realized he’s standing right here before you.” He teased with a wink.

Noriko chuckled, “You’re such a Casanova, but nice try, Polnareff.” She took her hand away.

“Hey! Let go of me you bastard!” A young voice shouted.

The Crusaders averted their gaze at a sailor who was dragging a child out on deck.

“Shut the hell up you brat!” The sailor scolded the young child.

The child looked like a boy. He wore overalls overalls with a pink long-sleeve shirt.

“I said let go of me damn it!” The child said as he kept struggling to get out of the sailor’s grasp.

“Hey!” Joseph called the sailor out.

“Who the hell is that?! I thought we’d agreed there would be no other passengers on board besides us!”

“I apologize, Mr. Joestar, but this little brat right here is a stowaway.” The sailor explained.

“A stowaway?” Joseph raised a brow.

“This brat was hiding in the lower storage area.” The sailor said.

“C’mon and fight me! I’ll break your damn balls!” The child threatened.

The crew member scoffed as he picked up the child by the collar, “Hmph! And maybe I’ll turn you into the Naval Police!”

The child stopped and widened his eyes in fear, “W-What?! The police?!” He got back on his feet and turned around to face the man.

“P-Please no!” The little boy pleaded. “Please don’t turn me into the police! I’m sorry! I just wanted to see my father in Singapore, that’s all! I’ll even work for my ticket, I promise!”

The sailor roughly grabbed the boy’s cheeks, pinching them hard. “Hmmm, what shall I do? Let you go or turn you in?” He began pinching them harder.

“Hmmm, what to do, what to do...” He said sarcastically.

He let the child go and flicked the boy’s nose. “I ain’t gonna let you go! Not a damn chance!”

The little boy’s eyes began to water from the rejection.

“First, I’m going to let the Captain know, so come with me-”

He was cut off when the child lunged himself on to him and bit his arm.

“GRRAAAAH!!!” The sailor shrieked.

The little boy then jumped over the railing, into the ocean.

“Woah! That little guy is quite energetic! Did you see that jump?!” Polnareff remarked as he and several men walk over to the railing.

“Will that little boy make it to shore from out here?” Noriko queried in concern as she stood up from her chair to take a look as well.

“Pft. Just leave em'.” Jotaro replied nonchalantly. “The kid must be a confident swimmer to brazenly dive in like that.”

Noriko glanced back at Jotaro with a scowl look. “How can he casually say that and not care?! It’s a little kid and we’re out in the middle of nowhere!”

She looked back at the child.

“T-This isn’t good! He’ll never make it because these areas are notorious shark-infested waters!” The sailor told everyone in a panic.

Everyone except Jotaro gasped as they saw the dark shadow figure of a shark below the child.

“Come back here little boy!” Noriko shouted as she gripped the railing. “Even if I use my Stand, he’s too far from Hierophant’s range.”

“Hey! You little brat turn around!” Joseph told the kid.

“There’s sharks out here!” Polnareff added as a warning.

The shark’s fin surfaced and was getting closer and closer to the little boy.

The child turns around and widened his eyes in fear.

“AAAAAGGHHHH!!”

“NO!” Noriko cried out and suddenly the shark was thrown up in the sky.

“ORA! ORA! ORRRAAAA!!!!” Star Platinum pulverized the shark with his punches as the child only watched in shock.

Noriko sighed in relief. “So he does care...” She thought with a smile.

He was speechless from what he just witnessed. Jotaro approached him and grabbed him by his shirt.

“Gimme a break, you damn brat, you could’ve gotten yourself killed.” He said and turned around but glanced back at the child in confusion.

“Hm?” He pressed his hand against the child’s chest.

The little kid’s face began to reddened as he gasped.

“You’re…” Jotaro smacked the hat off the child’s head, revealing it’s true identity.

“A girl?”

The little girl’s shock face turned to a deadly glare, covering her chest.

“And nothing but a runt one at that.” He remarked.

The girl growled under her breath. “H-How dare you feel me up like that?! You bastard!” She swung her arm at the delinquent only for him to block it with his arm.

Jotaro pulled the brim of his hat down, “Good grief...” He muttered.

The little girl held onto Jotaro’s arm as he began to swim back to the boat.

The shark that was beaten to death was pulled underwater. It resurfaced again but cut in half as its blood spread all over.

Jotaro glanced back as he notices this and so does Joseph.

Joseph could see the dark shadow of an unknown creature with four bright eyes.

“J-Jotaro!” He gasped. “Look out! There’s something in the water! It’s not a shark this time and it’s going fast!” He panicked.

Jotaro held the girl tighter as he began to pick up the pace to reach the life-saver in front of him.

“Hurry Jotaro!” Joseph shouted. “Quickly get to the boat!”

“He’s too far, Mr. Joestar!” Avdol stated.

Noriko narrowed her eyes as she held out her arm. “At this distance is no problem for me! Hierophant Green!” Summoning her Stand beside her, her Hierophant reached over to Jotaro and grabbed his arm, pulling him and the little girl out of the water on time.

The life-saver that Jotaro was about to reach got torn into pieces from the unknown sea creature.

Polnareff walked over to the railing, glancing at the ruined life-saver.

“I-It’s gone!” He stammered. “It had to be a Stand! There’s no way a damn fish or shark can go that fast!”

Avdol furrowed his brows, “An aquatic Stand?” He pondered. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard such a thing...”

The little girl panted heavily as she was trying to catch her breath. The Crusaders remained distance of her as they starred at her with suspicions. With their Stands, they began to communicate with one another.

“This girl....Sh-She couldn’t be...”

“Could she possibly be the Stand user? Maybe this was all a bait!”

“Are you implying that she was trying to bait Jojo in the shark-infested waters?”

“Yes! She probably pretended to be in danger to lure Jotaro in the water! That’s why that little damn brat refused to listen to us!"

“You don’t have to jump into conclusions, Polnareff .”

The stowaway turned her gaze at the group and frowned as she stood up.

“What the hell are you bastards looking at, huh?! Look” She began searching something in her pocket as she resumed, “I have no idea what’s going on but I’ll fight all of you in a one-on-one fight!” She pulled a switchblade from her pocket.

“Don’t underestimate me just because I’m a child! So come on you cowards!”

Polnareff and Avdol cringed from her threat.

“Is she fucking serious?! Maybe we should throw her back in the ocean...”

Noriko glared at Polnareff, “You don’t have be so rash and an asshole, Polnareff! If she’s an actual stowaway, the sharks will devour her!”

“I had already checked the ten crew members and they’re all clear. I honestly have no clue who else could it be besides her. There has to be a way for us to find out.”

“Hmm...How’s that man Dio doing?” Avdol asked.

“Dio?” The girl raised a brow. “What the hell is a Dio?!”

“Is that some kind of motorcycle?” The girl thought.

“Don’t play dumb you little brat!” Polnareff yelled at her.

“Do you want to talk or get stabbed you bastard?! Which is it?! My demon blade here wants to slurp the blood of its 340th victim!”

Noriko chuckled from the girl’s threat.

The little girl frowned. “What the hell is so funny you stupid grunt?!”

“Grunt? You know, I think she’s innocent. I don’t think she’s a Stand user at all.” Noriko glanced at everyone as she crossed her arms.

Joseph placed a hand under his chin. “Hmm, then who else could it-”

“So this girl is our stowaway?”

A man said as he walked out on the deck.

The little girl gasped and screamed when the man placed both hands on her shoulder as he stood over here.

Everyone turned their gaze at the man.

“Captain Tennille...” Joseph said.

Jotaro pulled out a cigarette, placed it between his lips and lit it up.

Captain Tennille twisted the girl’s arm to drop her weapon. The girl squirmed, trying to get away and screamed in pain.

“You will find that I’m pretty strict with stowaways. Even though you’re just a little girl, I can’t go easy on you, it’ll encourage more stowaways and I can’t be having that.” Captain Tennille told the girl.

“I’m locking you up in the brig till we reach port.” He said as he tightened his grip on her.

The girl wailed from the pain.

“Captain,” Joseph began. “I would like to ask you a question.”

The Captained looked over at the elder Joestar.

“Are you sure you checked the papers of your entire crew and verified their identities?”

“I guarantee you there’s no mistake. They’re all the same men that I’ve worked with for over ten years.” Captain Tennille responded. “I can’t say I understand why that is of paramount importance, by the way...” He walked over to Jotaro as one his sailors held on to the girl.

He took the cigarette out of Jotaro’s mouth.

“I would suggest to refrain from smoking on this ship,” Captain Tennille told the delinquent. “What did you plan to do with the ashes and butts once you finished? Were you going to toss them into these pristine waters? Let me remind you that you’re a guest on this ship so you must follow her rules...”

He crushed the cigarette on Jotaro’s hat. Jotaro only starred at him with a calm expression but his eyes looked as if he were filled with anger. Captain Tennille placed the crushed cigarette in Jotaro’s pocket.

“Now cut it out.” He sternly said.

Jotaro holstered both hands in his pockets as the Captain turned around.

Everyone glanced at Jotaro, they expected him to do something but he remained silent for a moment.

“Hold it.” Jotaro called the Captain out.

Captain Tennille turned around to look back at the delinquent.

“You could’ve just put it out and be done with it. Quit acting like you’re such a big shot you bastard.” Jotaro insulted.

Everyone gasped in shock, including the Captain.

“Hey, Jotaro! You don’t have to disrespect the Captain! This was your fault!” Joseph scolded at his grandson.

“Hmph.” Jotaro placed a hand on his hip. “I'm not done being rude quite yet. I’ve already figured it out, this bastard is the Stand user!”

“ WHAAAT?! ”

Everyone except the Captain said in shock.

Captain Tennille starred at Jotaro with a questioned look. “St-Stand? What is this you say I am?” He asked as he was confused on what Jotaro was talking about.

“That’s inconceivable, Jotaro!” Avdol told the young Joestar. “Captain Tennille was introduced to us by the Speedwagon Foundation! His background has been checked! This is someone we should trust one-hundred percent! There’s no chance he’s the Stand user!”

“Hmph.” Jotaro muttered under his breath.

“Hold on, here. I have no clue on what you’re all talking about! What is a Stand?” The Captain queried.

“Jojo, making random guesses will just complicate things even more!” Polnareff said.

“Do you even have any proof from your accusation, Jojo?” Noriko asked.

“I found a way to tell if someone is a Stand user or not.” Jotaro stated as he pointed at his nose. “When a Stand user inhales even a tiny bit of smoke from a cigarette, a vein pops up at the tip of their nose.”

“HUH?!”

Everyone except the child touched their nose.

The little girl raised a brow, confused on what’s happening. “What are they all doing?” She thought.

“You can’t be serious, Jotaro! You’re lying, aren’t you?!” Polnareff asked.

“Yeah I’m lying. However,...” Jotaro confessed and turned at the Captain. “It looks like we found our dumbass.”

The fake Captain slowly removed his hat, changing his expression to a creepier sinister look.

“Jotaro, why did you suspect the captain?” Joseph asked his grandson.

“I didn’t.” Jotaro replied. “I had no suspicion of him at all. But I was going to use this trick on all the sailors on board.”

“You’re cold.” The fake Captain remarked. “God damn you’re fucking cold. It’s true though, I’m not really the Captain. The real Captain is at the bottom of the ocean back in Hong Kong, sleeping with the fishes.”

“Then I’ll make you sleep in the depths of Hell!” Jotaro threatened while pointing at the enemy.

The Captain grinned with a chuckle and suddenly the stowaway child was grabbed from her ankle by the enemy’s Stand.

“ AAAAAAHH !!”

“DAMN IT NO!”

“I-I can’t move!” The girl struggled to get away from the aquatic Stand.

Water, trouble, lies and betrayal! The Moon card represents the fear of the unknown! Its name, Dark Blue Moon !

Captain Tennille crossed his arms, “I kept my identity a secret to take care of all you one by one, even for a guy like me it would be a bone-breaking task to take out everyone at the same time.”

“I have no choice now, do I? So five against one it shall be!”

“This little girl right here shows that my luck is on my side...” He continued. “The shark-infested-waters will take us and you’ll be forced to follow us in! I can handle a five-on-one in my home turf!” He chuckled.

“Don’t underestimate me just because you took a hostage.” Jotaro retorted. “Do you think I, Kujo Jotaro will be shaken up by this?”

“Underestimate you? Ha! No my dear boy, I just foretold your doom!” Captain Tennille declared.

“I was told your Star Platinum is pretty damn fast. Not trying to brag nor anything but my Dark Blue Moon is king underwater. It swims more elegantly and swifter than any fish at sea!”

“Heh, heh, heh...” He jumped on top of the railings.

“Now, how about we put that to the test, eh?”

“Follow me...” He then jumped back, taking the girl with him. “...if you’re prepared to choke to death on all the seawater you’re about to swallow!”

“ AAAAAAAHHHHH !”

Jotaro stood there behind the railing. His Star Platinum summons and quickly punched the impostor with a blow in the face.

“ORA! ORA! ORA! ORA! ORA! ORRRAAA !!!”

The blow had caused the Captain’s Stand to release the girl and plunged into the water covered in blood by his wounds.

Star Platinum grabbed the girl’s arm as the Captain steadily lifted his head up, groaning in pain.

“H-He...He got me before we could fall in the water...Ngh...That’s impossible!”

“Looks like you’re the one who’ll be partaking the seawater today.” Jotaro remarked. “Tell em’ Avdol.”

“You’re out of your league making predictions when I’m here.”

“You said it, Avdol!” Polnareff added with a cheesy grin.

“And there he goes, drifting away.” Polnareff stated as they watched the Captain’s body getting farther and farther away.

“So Dark Blue Moon, huh? Just a couple moments ago he bragged about his Stand’s powers.” He then scoffed. “What a pathetic idiot.”

Jotaro was pulled against the railing, he felt as if something heavy was pulling him down. He knitted his brows.

“What’s the matter, Jotaro? Hurry up and pull the girl up!” Joseph said with his arms crossed.

Jotaro responds with a grunt as he gritted his teeth. Noriko walked over to the delinquent and noticed he was sweating and his fingers twitched.

“Jojo, what’s wrong? Does your hand or arm hurt or what?” She asked.

“Fuck....I’m being pulled in!” Jotaro muttered out.

Noriko glanced at his arm again and noticed it was being covered in barnacles.

Blood spurted out his arms and hands.

“A-Are those...?” Polnareff stammered as he gasped.

“Acorn barnacles!” Noriko stated. “Those are acorn barnacles!”

“And look! They keep multiplying and going up to Star Platinum’s arms and on the side of the boat!” Joseph pointed out.

Noriko grabbed Jotaro’s arm, Joseph gets behind his grandson and Avdol grabbed the other arm. They all attempt to pull Jotaro back, preventing him from falling over.

“That bastard still wants to fight! He attached the barnacles the moment I hit him!” Jotaro realized. “Not only are they just multiplying, but they’re draining my Stand’s power!”

Polnareff looked around the sea water and gasped. “T-The Captain! H-He’s gone! He’s nowhere to be seen!”

“Jotaro!” Joseph shouted. “You need to recall your Stand right now!”

“If I was able to do that, I wouldn’t be sweating in the first place!” Jotaro exclaimed as he went over the railing.

“JOTARO!”

“JOJO!” Noriko cried out as she summoned her Stand to catch Jotaro.

Star Platinum swung his arm up, throwing the little girl up.

Noriko captured the girl but Jotaro fell into the water.

“Shit!” Joseph remarked.

Placing the girl down back on deck, Noriko ran over to the railings.

“Crap!” She banged the railings as she looked around the water. “This is bad!”

Jotaro descended deeper and deeper into the water. He gazed up and saw the impostor with his Stand out.

The brunette narrowed his eyes and tried to attack him but was pushed against the ocean floor.

He grunted once hitting the hard surface.

“Why welcome!” The Captain greeted with a chuckle.

“So glad you could join me where Dark Blue Moon rules...heh, heh, heh...”

He began licking the blood off his hand, “It’s a bad idea to underestimate me, brother.” He continued. “In case you didn’t know, we can still communicate through our Stands underwater. So go ahead and give me that cocky-ass attitude of yours.”

“So what can I do for you?” Jotaro asked casually.

The impostor raised a brow, “Eh?”

“What kind of seafood would you like to be? Fish paste or perhaps Sashimi? Your Stand would be one hell of a meal.” Jotaro said calmly.

“You’re such a fool...I can sense that you’re struggling to sound tough but I know damn well what you’re thinking about!” Captain Tennille said.

“You’re thinking, How long can he stay underwater? I can probably last about two minutes but will he last longer than I can? heh, heh, heh...” He floated higher, getting closer to the boat.

“I’ll answer that for you! My lungs are three times greater than any human being!” He stated and crossed his arms. “I’ve trained them well enough that I can last up to six minutes and twelve seconds underwater!”

Jotaro raised his brows from hearing that.

“I bet hearing those numbers already has you gasping for breath. And that’s not all!” Dark Blue Moon reached over to the boat and damaged the propellers with his arm.

“My Stand’s fins can slice through the water with sharp screw-like rotations!” The Captain then pointed at the delinquent. “Why don’t you take a good look at your Stand before you mouth off again?”

The acorn barnacles covered over half of Star Platinum’s body. Jotaro widened his eyes in shock and glared at the enemy.

“My Dark Blue Moon’s acorn barnacles has really taken a liking to your Stand. The more it multiplies the more energy it will suck out of you every moment that passes!” The Captain chuckled.

Jotaro looked up and began swimming to the surface.

Captain Tennille let out a mischievous grin, “Trying to escape to the surface, eh?! Take a look around you, dumbass!” Dark Blue Moon’s swirled rapidly in a circular motion.

“You didn’t notice that my Dark Blue Moon was creating a whirlpool this entire time?!”

“Come on you bastard! Swim! Swiiiiim! It’ll just keep getting harder and harder for you since your power is being drained and you’re holding your breath at the same time! It’s still too early for me to kill but a smart-ass brat like you needs to suffer more than this! HEHEHEHAHAHA!”

“It’s been too long and he still hasn’t come out!” Joseph said in a panic.

Noriko looked at the water and widened her eyes. “Mr. Joestar look!” She pointed at the whirlpool.

“A-A whirlpool?!” Avdol exclaimed.

“It’s a giant whirlpool!” Noriko stated.

“But where the hell is Jojo?!” Polnareff worriedly asked.

“We can’t just sit back and watch this happening! We need to jump in there and save him!” Noriko declared. “Let’s get him out!”

All four of the Crusaders called out their Stand’s and headed straight into the whirlpool.

Hierophant Green’s hand touched the water and immediately received multiple cuts.

Noriko winced and groaned from the pain as blood gushed out of her hand.

“N-Noriko!” Polnareff exclaimed.

“Noriko! Are you all right?!” Joseph queried as he walked over to her.

The red-headed girl glanced at her Stand’s hand and back at hers with a frown.

“T-That bastard!” She cursed angrily. “His Stand’s scales are sharp as razor blades! It’s most likely that in that whirlpool there’s thousands of them!”

“Damn it!” The Fortune-Teller banged his fists against the railings. “He wasn't kidding when he said could take on all five of us!”

“It's like a watery antlion pit in that whirlpool! The moment we’ll try to jump in there we’ll get killed!”

“But Jojo will get killed if we don’t save him! He needs our help!” Noriko protested.

“I’m sorry Noriko but it’s too reckless for us to do anything.” Avdol told the girl. “You're lucky your hand wasn’t torn apart by the sharp scales.”

“But-!”

“Look! There he is! It’s Jojo! I see him!” Polnareff pointed at the young Joestar, who could barely be seen from the surface. “But this is bad! It seems like he’s limping!”

Joseph placed a hand under his chin, “Limping? Hmm...That means he wasn’t flailing around at all...? That could actually be good news...”

Everyone averted their eyes at Joseph, wondering what the hell he meant.

Jotaro screamed as he was going in a circle in the whirlpool. He was getting cuts here and there from the Stand’s scales.

“Now I’m going to take a guess on what you’re thinking...” Captain Tennille began. “There’s a place in a whirlpool that doesn’t move and that’s the center. If I head straight to the center where he is, I’ll be able to attack him! Hehehe, man o’ man I can read you like a damn book!”

“Go ahead and try to land a punch with your landlubber Stand! Come on! Come at me while your power is still being drained by my barnacles! Let’s see if you can manage an attack that can rival my underwater cutters, brother!”

Captain Tennille narrowed his eyes, “Who the hell think you are?! Telling me that I’ll be turning me into a damn sashimi! The one will be turned into a sashimi...” Dark Blue Moon charged at Jotaro. “IS Y-WHA-!?”

“ STAR FINGER! ”

A pair of fingers broke through the barnacles and struck Dark Blue Moon in the face. He swiftly moved his fingers up, cutting upwards on the Stand’s face.

“Turns out you were going to be turned into sashimi after all.” Jotaro remarked as he holstered both hands in his pockets.

The impostor glugged with bubbles coming out of his mouth.

“What was that?! I can’t damn hear you well underwater so speak up!”

“W-When the barnacles were sapping your strength, you stopped squirming and focused your power into your fingers...that’s what you were thinking...” Captain Tennille muttered out in pain.

Jotaro pulled the brim of his hat down, “Wrong again...”

“The only thing on my mind was how fucking gross it would be when I kicked your sorry ass and you pissed yourself since we’re under water, you old bastard.”

The enemy passes out as he falls deeper into the ocean.

Jotaro finally surfaced from the water as he gasped for breath.

“Jojo!” Noriko beamed happily as she finally saw the delinquent.

“That’s my grandson!” Joseph cheered with a fist pump.

“Thank goodness you made it out alive!” Noriko remarked.

Jotaro began swimming back to the boat.

“Great job, Jotaro! Now take this and come on up-hm?” Joseph was cut off as the boat trembled.

“What was that?” Polnareff wondered.

Suddenly every part of the ship began to explode.

“So that bastard left bombs on the ship!” Polnareff said.

“We need to hurry and get the emergency boats out!” Avdol ordered.

“We’ll send a distress call and fast!” Joseph added at the end.

A full day passes and both the sailors and Crusaders are stranded in their emergency boats.

Everyone was still peacefully sleeping except for Joseph and the stowaway child.

“Here little girl, have some water.” Joseph said as he handed the girl the canteen.

“We’ve already sent out a distress call so someone should be here very soon.”

The girl hesitantly grabbed the canteen and looked over the group. Her eyes mainly focused on Jotaro and noticed someone’s head was against his shoulder.

It was Noriko. She was sleeping against his arm with her head dipped downwards.

The young girl looked back at the elder Joestar.

“Look, I don’t really understand what’s going on but who the hell are you guys?” The girl queried with a raised brow.

“Think of us as fellow travelers,” Joseph responded. “Just like you’re on your journey to see your father, for us is for my daughter.” He smirked.

“I see...” She glanced back at everyone.

“By the way, I never told you guys my name, it’s Anne...” She informed, looking back at Joseph.

“Anne. That’s a nice name.” Joseph commented. “Since you’re out to see your father, how come you didn’t go on a plane?”

Anne immediately turned away as she began drinking from the canteen.

Looking behind, her eyes shot wide open and spat the water out.

“Hey! Why would you that?! What kind of person spits it out?!” Joseph scolded.

“N-N-No!” Anne stammered as she was pointing something or someone coming towards them.

Everyone lifted their head up, waking up from their slumber from hearing Joseph’s outburst.

“L-L-L-Look! E-E-Everybody look over there!”

Everyone looked behind to see what Anne was talking about.

Their eyes widened as they see a giant ship heading their way.

To Be Continued....

#KakyoinNoriko #Jotaro Kujo #Polnareff #Avdol #mohammed avdol #Joseph Joestars #Iggy #JJBA #Fanfiction #AO3 #NorikoXJotaro

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find-your-rp-partner · 7 years

Text

Looking for Amazing Long-Term M/M partners!

▶ Greetings to the wonderful roleplay community. I am R Pink or Drowsy and I’m on the look out for really amazing roleplayers, that are in need to fill their rp wants. I am on the look out for amazing and interesting stories where we can do awesome things within a world we create. Please continue reading if I caught your interest.

A bit About Me

▹ I go by the names: Rex, Pink or Drowsy ▹ I’m 21+ of age ▹ I enjoy ooc chit chatting about characters, plots and mostly anything. ▹ I’m in love with really creative ideas, characters and plots. ▹ Is into m/m ships ▹ I really like older characters. I love it when they are married and we rp their lives together. I’m fine with couples and such too. ▹ I actually really love dark, gritty, unsettling and just down right messed up roleplays. I also love serious ones, time set ones and much much more. I universal when it comes to plots, so don’t be afraid when coming to explain your plots or just talk about plots with me. Neo-Noir plots are my absolute fave! ▹ I’m not a big fan of over using the same tropes over and over again IE: Height differences, one character being extremely cute and adorable all the time, some anime tropes etc. (I like them in small doses)

What I want in a roleplay partner

▹ I want someone who can be super creative, And I don’t just mean in creating characters, I also mean creating plots, worlds and everything and the kitchen sink. I want to feel that I’m not the only one bringing the heat but they are too.

▹ Someone who isn’t afraid to chit chat ooc style I do find it more fun to actually have small conversations with my partner on the side. So I can know and become friends with them too. I love chit chatting and I would love to know more about the person I’m creating a world with.

▹ Is 18+ Now this has nothing to do with smut, I just find it easier for me to roleplay with people closer to my age. I get that some people who are younger than that act mature for their age, but I don’t care. Give me the age I want, please and thank you. :) (If you don’t mind smut then yesss lets do smut okay!)

▹ Makes great and complex characters, settings and plots. As said before I want someone who can bring the heat and also isn’t shy with helping out with the plot as well. I also loveeee characters that are complex and are not your typical types of people. I like characters that do drugs, have killed someone, isn’t emotionally attached, all of the things that make Characters look shitty.

▹ Doesn’t mind Dark Themes Now if you don’t like dark themes then totes tell me cause that’s perfectly fine. I myself love violence, angst, betrayal and much much more. Since my characters are not perfect in any type of way, I love to put that within the plot as well.

▹ Is fine with older characters I really like rping older characters and the older the better. The youngest I will go with characters is 20. Now I will do a little bit younger, but I love older characters, characters that are ranging from 25-45 is awesome, 45-62 is SUPER GREAT I WILL LOVE YOU AND PROBS REPLY QUICKER TO YOU. If I go any younger I just don’t want to do it anymore.

▹ Your writing doesn’t have to be amazing! I’m fine with short or semi-long replies. I just don’t want one-liners, you can write up to a few sentences and such.

▹ Doesn’t mind doing several different plots Sometimes I get bored which is fine we all do, and I like to do different plots if the other one isn’t working for us! It’s totes fine

OC Plots & Fandom stuff

Key: ✤ - Wants to go all out crazy and creative with the plot ✕ - Doesn’t mind if there isn’t any smut or relationships ✦ - Really wants to do this (It’s a craving) ✩ - Can have a lot of smut and gooshy fluff

OC Plots:

(Note: Some of these plots are vague while others I actually have more info on them. Just ask away if you want more or not. )

▹ Mafia Style

( ✤ ✕ ) Revenge taken Cold: A lot has happened to a certian male and he wants to make sure someone pays for it. His intentions are simple, become the new underboss for the mafia group that did him wrong and there and only there will he take out the boss. Though as he continues to be the underboss, things become more complicated as well as strange with the boss indeed. (Rated R)

( ✩ ✤ ) Out of Luck: Two friends embark on a new life together as they both join the same mob. Though as one of them becomes a favorite the other doesn’t take likely to this one bit. It’s a story of back stabbing and much more. (Rated E-R)

( ✩ ✤ ✦ ) Everyone Wants in: In a small country that is ruled by different supernatural gangs. There is one monster that goes by the name “The Phantom” who will bring them all down and become the ultimate. Though trying to find him will be a handful since no one knows what he looks like. It is up to an single monster to find this being and defeat him. (Rated R)

▹ Fantasy

( ✩ ✤ ✦ ) A sign of change: Within his kingdom a king begins to loose his people to the other side through war and heart lose. Though the person still by his side must watch as the male in front is torn apart while trying to keep his kingdom from falling apart. (Rated M-R)

▹ Slice Of Life

( ✩ ✕ ) The fashionista/ The Silent Nerd: Getting into a bet with a few of his friends, they decided that the most amazing male on campus must make a nerd into an amazing male as well. Agreeing to the terms, the job seems simple yet trying to actually do it turns to be a bit more challenge than actually planed. (Inspired by My Fair Lady) (Rated PG-13 for cursing, maybe smut and craziness)

( ✩ ✕ ✤ ) Bully/Angry Nerd: He gets his ass kicked all the time, everyday by the same bully, yet one day when he decides it’s too much. He finally goes over to this bully’s house to find out a bit more than he planed. Now there’s too much on the line and he has to buddy up with the same person who always kicked his ass. Can he do it? (Can be supernatural or sci-fi) (Rated PG-13 - R for mostly anything could happen with this plot. LBH)

▹ Action/Adventure

( ✤ ✦ ✩) The Lone Magical Boy/The Cop: Magical Boys have protected a Busy city for hundreds of years, yet as the darkness they defeated slowly disappeared so did they. Though in the near future things seemed to be turning for the worst, as the darkness decides to come back at full force making the last magical boy awaken from their slumber and defend the city once more, yet that can’t do it without the help of a single cop and his hidden powers. (Rated R for gore, cursing, fighting, ect.)

( ✤ ✦ ✩) The Drug Addict/ The Wingman: They’ve gotten themselves into a lot of trouble over the years and now it seems that all of it is finally catching up with them. It’s time to right wrongs and do the whole thing called ‘life’ over again. Though can they really fix everything or is this just another pipe dream? (Rated R for crazy and probs offensive shit)

▹ Sci-fi

( ✤ ✦ ✩) Lone Scientist/ Intern: Being the most smartest person in the world comes with one major thing…A sickness for it and everything that lives on it. Taking advice from a friend, a lone scientist opens his lab to those that want quick money and have a place to finish up on any work they have. Though once they come in, they will have to go on a few adventures to places they never knew existed, while being with one utter mess of a Scientist. (Inspired by Rick & Morty/ Doctor Who) (Rated R for Cursing, substance use, maybe gore, ect.)

( ✦ ✩ ✕) Captain / Co-Captain: Assembling a team filled with the best people to go out and free planets from under the rule of the Galactic Stars, a captain destined for greatness, leads a team to such planes. With the help of his best friend who is a Co-Captain on his ship everything becomes a battle for glory, pride and justice. (inspired by Star Trek) (Rated E - R)

( ✦ ✩ ✕) Navigator in Training/ Trainer: After a horrible accident of their empire being taken down, a lone navigator and trainer seek out on an adventure to take revenge on those that planed this. There is heart break and mistakes on the way, but they continue to get through and end up victorious.

▹ Supernatural

( ✤ ✩ ✕) Supernatural Detectives: Two creatures go out and solve crimes within their city, though there is a bigger event that will be coming. (Rated R for maybe gore, ect.)

▹ Mystery

( ✤ ) Gossip Love: After a a student of a jr College vanishes out of thin air and a new student from over seas, seems to take the place of the other. A best friend tries to put together the clues as to what happens. Yet someone is on thier trail and it seems to be the new student. What secret is going on? And what does a popular gossip blog have to do with it?

▹ The Dark Gritty

( ✤ ✦ ✩) Oddly different now: A lone older male finally gets to see his best friend he hasn’t seen in years, yet once they meet again his best friend is a demon with plans to make his life a living hell. (Rated R for gore, ect.)

( ✤ ✦ ✩) Talent Collector: There is one male that wants to have just one talent, yet being around nothing but amazing talentful people...He becomes jealous and desperate. Though one day someone gives him the opportunity he thought he could never have. Now he must go around being someone he isn’t and return home to the true person he took his new identity from. This start to turn stranger as they both fall in love with each other, yet one continues to collect more and more talents becoming filled with greed. (Rated R for extreme gore, ect.)

OC Characters (here I have character types I would like to rp, but I can’t think of a plot)

Washed up Actor Old Jazz Man werewolf Dream Eater Bratty Rich Man Bad Boy/ Bad Girl Older Rebel

Fandom stuff:

Marvel: WinterIron Tony/Bucky

Overwatch: R76 Mc76 Rein/Gabe McHanzo Boombox Junkrat/Lucio

Preacher: Donnie/Jesse Cassidy/Vampire OC

Jojo Bizzare Adventure: Jotaro/OC Caesar/Joseph Josuke/Rohan

Mafia 3: Lincoln/John Lincoln/Giorgi Vito/Lincoln Vito/Sal

Fandom base but with oc’s:

Gravity falls Steven Universe Hero Academy Preacher KNB Sailor Moon

(If you have your own plots or even fandoms you would like to rp in then please tell me about them. All are welcomed. :) )

Contact: Email: [email protected] Kik: rexpinku Skype: psyche-8bit

When contacting me please tell me a little bit about yourself and what kind of plots you would like to do or have. Thank you! And I can’t wait to chit chat with you!

#rp partner search #rp partner ad #fandom #original #marvel #mcu #videogame #email #skype #kik #submission

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fyrapartnersearch · 7 years

Text

Looking for amazing long-term m/m partners

A bit About Me

What I want in a roleplay partner

▹ Your writing doesn’t have to be amazing! I’m fine with short or semi-long replies. I just don’t want one-liners, you can write up to a few sentences and such.

▹ Doesn’t mind doing several different plots Sometimes I get bored which is fine we all do, and I like to do different plots if the other one isn’t working for us! It’s totes fine

OC Plots & Fandom stuff

OC Plots:

(Note: Some of these plots are vague while others I actually have more info on them. Just ask away if you want more or not. )

▹ Mafia Style

▹ Fantasy

▹ Slice Of Life

▹ Action/Adventure

▹ Sci-fi

▹ Supernatural

( ✤ ✩ ✕) Supernatural Detectives: Two creatures go out and solve crimes within their city, though there is a bigger event that will be coming. (Rated R for maybe gore, ect.)

▹ Mystery

▹ The Dark Gritty

OC Characters (here I have character types I would like to rp, but I can’t think of a plot)

Washed up Actor Old Jazz Man werewolf Dream Eater Bratty Rich Man Bad Boy/ Bad Girl Older Rebel

Fandom stuff:

Marvel: WinterIron Tony/Bucky

Overwatch: R76 Mc76 Rein/Gabe McHanzo Boombox Junkrat/Lucio

Preacher: Donnie/Jesse Cassidy/Vampire OC

Jojo Bizzare Adventure: Jotaro/OC Caesar/Joseph Josuke/Rohan

Mafia 3: Lincoln/John Lincoln/Giorgi Vito/Lincoln Vito/Sal

Fandom base but with oc’s:

Gravity falls Steven Universe Hero Academy Preacher KNB Sailor Moon

(If you have your own plots or even fandoms you would like to rp in then please tell me about them. All are welcomed. :) )

Contact: Email: [email protected] Kik: rexpinku Skype: psyche-8bit

When contacting me please tell me a little bit about yourself and what kind of plots you would like to do or have. Thank you! And I can’t wait to chit chat with you!

#oc rp #multiple paragraph #para #semipara #long term #email #messenger #smut rp #mcu rp #submission

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radioleary-blog · 5 years

Text

Long Names and Outsourcing Superheroes

It’s not easy writing political comedy.

One factor is the impermanence of a political joke. Even a great political joke has an expiration date, and political narratives change fast these days. Your average political joke has a shorter shelf-life than a pint of half & half that you left in the car. “Honey...when did I write this joke about Trump getting golden showers from Russian prostitutes? Is it still any good or should I throw it away?”

“How does it smell?” she replies from the living room.

“Whew! Pretty funky...I think it’s turned. Dammit! That was a good one.”

“So write a new one,” she says dully, without looking away from whatever TV program has unattractive British servants enduring wretched lives of 19th century drudgery. Which accounts for about half of all PBS programs. Or should I say “programmes.” They’re so depressing. They ought to call it “Downer Abbey.” Or “Upstairs, Downstairs, Blank Stares.” Seriously, man, how much does the BBC pine for the days when the lower classes knew their place? Is that really an era to romanticize, even if they do call it The Romantic era? And who the hell could enjoy watching shows about the help being treated badly? As for me, if I watch even ten minutes of a show with berated butlers and yelled-at scullery maids, I start to get angry. Every time I see some mutton-chopped, inbred Lord of the Manor lining up his staff to lecture and threaten them for poorly-polished silver, or for becoming ‘too familiar’, or for having any normal human desires whatsoever, I have the normal human desire to make him ‘too familiar’ with my fist in his mutton-chop face. Just once, I’d like to see one of the servants he’s giving a good “dressing-down” to turn around and give this privileged twit a good old working-class “beating-down.” I’d like to see the First Footman, or the Second Footman, or some Footman put that foot right up his aristocratic ass.

I was trying to think up some funny-sounding British aristocratic names as examples of noble pomposity, but it turns out they have this new thing called “the google,” so I just looked up some real names instead. These are just a few of the actual descendants of William the Conqueror, who, being British, conquered everything but brushing and flossing:

Flora Paulyna Hetty Barbara Abney-Hastings. That sounds like somebody who never had to fill out their name on a lot of forms. Good luck fitting that on a job application. But of course, nobody with a name that long and dreadfully upper-class ever had to look for work. The longer your name, the easier your life. Hey, I just realized that. I might actually be onto something. Who do you think works harder - a person named Prince Stuart Johann Knud Bernhard Felix Maria René Joseph de Bourbon-Parma (real name), or a guy named Stu Parma? If you’re having trouble figuring that one out, the title Prince is a big clue. The only Prince who ever broke a sweat died last year in Minnesota, and judging by his opioid addiction, it was probably a cold sweat. Stu Parma sounds like an ex-Checker Cab driver from Queens, whereas Prince longname there sounds like an exchequer for the Queen. Big difference between those jobs, and probably all because of the length of their names. Great, just what men need, one more length to feel inadequate about. The only people who work harder than guys named Stu and Kip and Sam are guys with even shorter names like Bo and Al and Ed.

Same thing probably holds true for women, I bet Vikki works a longer shift for less pay than Victoria does. And I bet Kat does things for money that Katerina never would. I’m not thinking sex-worker, necessarily, but if she did it would be all her idea. No, I was picturing Kat doing something more along the lines of a cage-match fighter, or rodeo girl, or tattoo artist. She could set up her own new-school tattoo shop and call it “KATTOOS.” And she’s more likely to be a fun person to party with, too. Kat is a bad-ass who keeps it real, and Katerina will not go down on you even on your anniversary. The longer the name, the less fun and the more stuck up you are. Here’s another real name, and I bet she isn’t bringing any beer or weed to your party: Countess Antonia Charlotte Jeanette Marie af Holstein-Ledreborg. Wow, really? Can we just call you c*ntess for short?

And with the titles and peerage to boot, these names really start to get re-goddam-diculous. Check this guy out, this is a real title: His Royal Highness the Prince Charles Philip Arthur George, Prince of Wales, Earl of Chester, Duke of Cornwall, Duke of Rothesay, Earl of Carrick, Baron of Renfrew, Lord of the Isles, Prince and Great Steward of Scotland, Royal Knight Companion of the most noble order of the Garter, Royal Knight Companion of the most ancient and most noble order of the Thistle, Knight Grand Cross of the most honourable order of the Bath, member of the order of Merit, Knight of the order of Australia, companion of the Queen’s service order, member of Her Majesty’s Most Honourable Privy Councillors, Aide de Camp to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth. WTF? That’s not a title, that’s the whole book! And the sequel! Keep in mind this is just a really fancy way of saying this guy is banging the Queen. This title is so long that when you start saying it you have 13 colonies in the Americas, and when you’re done saying it Cornwallis is surrendering at Yorktown.

But that’s the trouble with those british TV servants, they never fought back against the system like we did here in the colonies. That’s why their rigid class-structure hierarchy remained in place for so long, and they’re still sentimental for it in these godawful butler dramas. They never really had a lot of rebels in England, not for very long anyway, they either came here and started killing Indians, or they got arrested and shipped off to Australia to get eaten by sharks. Even today, British culture doesn’t celebrate the rebel like we do in America. The British never had a ‘Cool Hand Luke,’ more like ‘Keep Calm and Carry On Luke.’ The Brad Pitt ‘Fight Club’ character Tyler Durden sounds like it could be a proper English name, but if there was a ‘Fight Club’ in England, the first rule of Fight Club would be No Fighting.

And hey, did you ever hear Brad Pitt try to do a british accent? Yikes. He has all the range of a veal calf. He sounded worse than Bob Dylan trying to speak Chinese. But strangely, British actors have no problem at all doing American accents. Why is that? In fact, they have taken over a lot of our favorite tv and movie characters. On ‘The Walking Dead’, Rick Grimes, Maggie, Morgan, the Governor, and Jesus are all British. There are so many Brits on the show they should rename it ‘The Ambulatory Deceased’.

And the list includes some of our most beloved Superheroes. Henry Cavill, Christian Bale, Andrew Garfield are English, that’s Superman, Batman and Spider-Man. And even the new Spider-Man, Tom Holland is British. Both Jeremy Irons and Michael Caine were Alfred, which begs the question ‘What’s it all about, Alfred?’ (Ah, you’re too young to get that reference). Two actors have played Professor Xavier and they are both English, so are both actors who played Magneto. Fellow X-Men The Beast, Nightcrawler and Jean Grey, and Avengers Quicksilver and The Vision are British. So are the actors who played Doctor Strange, Daredevil, Commissioner Gordon, The Thing, Mister Fantastic, Odin, Ozymandias as well as super-villains Dr. Octopus, Sinestro, Killer Croc, Col. Stryker, Juggernaut, Toad, Azazel, The Lizard, and Loki. All English. Add to that Ryan Reynold’s Green Lantern is Canadian, while Eric Bana’s Hulk, Chris Hemsworth’s Thor and Hugh Jackman’s The Wolverine are Australian. An Australian Hulk? I understand they let Mel Gibson audition to play Hulk. But the Hulk is a rampaging rage monster who smashes everything in sight, and they felt Mel Gibson was just too angry for the role. Plus the Hulk isn’t anti-Semitic. I’m beginning to wonder if we have any American superheroes left, except for the Captain with America right in his name. If Donald Trump is going to bring back jobs to America, can he please start with our superheroes?

But I digress. I don’t remember what my point was, but I’m pretty sure I had one. Oh yeah, British servant shows. Why do women love these Victorian period pieces so much? They’re usually intelligent and independent women, too, yet these butler-laden bodice rippers get them steamier than an Icelandic orgy.

No, wait, I remember my point now: it’s not easy writing political comedy. Reason two, you get distracted. As I just demonstrated with the last ten paragraphs. I was saying the life of a political joke is short, and getting shorter. There was a time before the 24-hour news cycle when a political scandal stuck around for a long time. Watergate hung around for years and years, like an Irish houseguest. Comics in the 1970’s could take months to work out Watergate bits, and if they were solid, you could tell those jokes for half a decade. Fashions and music trends would change before your Watergate jokes got old. The first time you tell your Watergate joke on stage, you’re wearing bell-bottom jeans and a tie-dye T-shirt, and years later you’re telling it on stage wearing a white Disco suit. And it’s the same old joke about E. Howard Hunt, or H.R. Haldeman, or R.L. Stine, or George R.R. Martin, or whoever the hell was involved in the break-in. And actually, it kind of was a Game of Thrones, except instead of a dragon Queen who could walk through fire, you had G. Gordon Liddy who liked to hold a torch to his hand to show how tough he was. If you don’t know who he is, that’s okay, just picture Negan, but high on cocaine and patriotism.

People had better things to do in the 1970’s than obsess on scandals, and the only way to follow it was in newspapers and on the evening news. Which, if you were not home while the evening news was on, tough luck, there was no recording it. And 1970’s people were definitely out, and doing much cooler things than watching the evening news. Like driving around in a Pontiac Firebird and smoking a joint, or going to a Pink Floyd concert and smoking a joint, or throwing a key-party orgy and smoking a joint, or just smoking a joint and smoking a joint. You could do a lot of fun things in the 1970’s, as long as you had a joint. Those were the rules. Even if you got pulled over by the police, you better have a joint on you, the cops will ask you, “Licence..registration...proof of joint…”

So political scandals unfolded at a leisurely pace. Which is not to say people were not involved in politics, maybe it was the draft, or maybe it was the joint, but they were very involved. They were the only generation that ended an unpopular war through protest, and threw a corrupt President out of office. I think it was the weed, because after that, the police stopped making sure you had a joint.

But things are different in the Trump era. If you can call a presidency that only lasts until he quits this summer an “era”. More like the Trump “error”. Trump has a new scandal every day, every fourteen hours to be precise, so by the time you write a good joke, it’s over. It’s old news, and on to the next scandal. Tiny hands, Meryl Streep, grab ‘em by the pussy, Betsy DeVos, Michael Flynn, and now wiretap, the scandals are coming too fast. - That’s what she said! The jokes are obsolete by the time the pen leaves the paper, because by the time you read this, the whole wiretap scandal will be over and he’ll be on to the next inexcusable act. And that will only be like, two days from now.

I realize now that when I write about politics, I’m like one of those monks who make paintings out of different colored grains of sand. It takes them forever to do it, and the minute they’re done, they erase it. And they move on to the next one.

And I’ve never had more fun.

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gayroleplayads · 7 years

Text

Looking for Amazing Long Term Partners

A bit About Me

What I want in a roleplay partner

▹ Your writing doesn’t have to be amazing! I’m fine with short or semi-long replies. I just don’t want one-liners, you can write up to a few sentences and such.

▹ Doesn’t mind doing several different plots Sometimes I get bored which is fine we all do, and I like to do different plots if the other one isn’t working for us! It’s totes fine

OC Plots & Fandom stuff

OC Plots:

(Note: Some of these plots are vague while others I actually have more info on them. Just ask away if you want more or not. )

▹ Mafia Style

▹ Fantasy

▹ Slice Of Life

▹ Action/Adventure

▹ Sci-fi

▹ Supernatural

( ✤ ✩ ✕) Supernatural Detectives: Two creatures go out and solve crimes within their city, though there is a bigger event that will be coming. (Rated R for maybe gore, ect.)

▹ Mystery

▹ The Dark Gritty

( ✤ ✦ ✩) Talent Collector: There is one male that wants to have just one talent, yet being around nothing but amazing talentful people…He becomes jealous and desperate. Though one day someone gives him the opportunity he thought he could never have. Now he must go around being someone he isn’t and return home to the true person he took his new identity from. This start to turn stranger as they both fall in love with each other, yet one continues to collect more and more talents becoming filled with greed. (Rated R for extreme gore, ect.)

OC Characters (here I have character types I would like to rp, but I can’t think of a plot)

Washed up Actor Old Jazz Man werewolf Dream Eater Bratty Rich Man Bad Boy/ Bad Girl Older Rebel

Fandom stuff:

Marvel: WinterIron Tony/Bucky

Overwatch: R76 Mc76 Rein/Gabe McHanzo Boombox Junkrat/Lucio

Preacher: Donnie/Jesse Cassidy/Vampire OC

Jojo Bizzare Adventure: Jotaro/OC Caesar/Joseph Josuke/Rohan

Mafia 3: Lincoln/John Lincoln/Giorgi Vito/Lincoln Vito/Sal

Fandom base but with oc’s:

Gravity falls Steven Universe Hero Academy Preacher KNB Sailor Moon

(If you have your own plots or even fandoms you would like to rp in then please tell me about them. All are welcomed. :) )

Contact: Email: [email protected] Kik: rexpinku Skype: psyche-8bit

When contacting me please tell me a little bit about yourself and what kind of plots you would like to do or have. Thank you! And I can’t wait to chit chat with you!

#email rp #messenger rp #fandom rp #original characters #yaoi #third person perspective #paragraph #multiple paragraphs #switch #submission

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