#i know that. ive known that for a really long time

[jakes3resin]

THE HALLUCINATION!BUCKY AU.... ive been thinking thoughts dude

do you think that the other boys would let that shit slide and lie to buck or nah? especially if they saw how bucky dealt with his disappearance, would they give him that clutch or nah

would the hallucination ever change? like degenerate or grow weaker?

does the presence of the hallucination help buck come to terms with his feelings towards bucky or nah

Personally, I think Croz and Rosie laid down a very strict 'Do not say Major Egan is dead to Major Cleven or we will find you' rule on base because they saw how bad Buck was feeling. Croz was just too soft asking after Bucky. Rosie looked like he was two seconds away from hugging Buck and letting him cry.

Buck also is very good at pulling on a mask to hide his emotions. You only see them if you've known him for a long time and learn the signs or if you're Bucky tbh. Most of the boys at Thorpe Abbotts only know the stories of Buck and Bucky not the men, so his mask fools them. The last of the OGs he can't fool like Harry, Jack, Douglass, and Blakely, and I do think when they notice him turning to his side with a smile they know he only showed Bucky or muttering something under his breath to no one, they don't say anything. They've all lost someone, and if this is how Buck needs to cope, they just try to keep him stable. They simply try to be there for him how they can. The new guys don't see a thing because Buck is good at hiding.

I don't see the hallucinations degenerating even years down the line (if Bucky actually dies). I think they'd grow actually because the more time that passes, the more Buck clutches to what little he has left. I do think occasionally the Bucky he sees degenerates as in he sees the Bucky that walked into Stalag Luft III covered in blood or on a really bad day he sees a Bucky with a bullet hole in his head (on his head? I'm tired I can't remember which is grammatically correct).

Hallucination Bucky would definitely help Buck come to terms with his feelings for Bucky if he hasn't already. In my AUs most of the time the pair of them are already together, so Hallucination Bucky is just a sign, a heartbreaking soul destroying sign, that Buck loves his John so much he can't let go.

I love talking about Hallucination!Bucky and your ask was amazing!!!

#mota #asks #buck x bucky #hallucination!bucky

[liquidstar]

and now for something stupid

#but really i also just wanted to play around w this sort of coloring style bc its been FOREVER since ive used it #and i think i can make it look better now #AND i think i can make more sillay stuff like this and not have it take as long w cleaning up lines #anyway now you all understand the terrible dynamic between these three #phobo's infodump text is just copypasted from the wikipedia page for knives. #julliet ALSO uses knives is the thing so hes actually mansplaining < JOKE #he just wants to share. even if it gives her a headache. but he wouldnt mansplain he doesnt have it in him. hes ok with felonies tho #but julis life hasnt known peace since she was told to take care of the newbies #and shes ALSO a newbie (just slightly less so) so really this is probably just tartarus hazing her #theyd take one look at the two disorganized unserious overeager newbies and think ''you know what would be fucking hilarious'' #and pass them onto the neurotic slightly-less-newbie who takes everything as seriously as possible. disaster combination. #i cannot stress enough that this is a group of bandits and murderers theyre NOT above hazing. #deimos actually is doing the best job at it since he is stealing as we speak #i mean hes not supposed to do it to his teammates but still. on the right track #as for the dynamic between deimos and phobos themselves its like. theyre just bros. theyre both pretty similar in personality #except deimos is kinda more mean and cynical while phobos can be kinda. dense and naive despite literally where hes at in life #but most of the time theyre basically beavis and butthead #i would also like to stress that juli is not being homophobic she just already cannot stand these guys and cant believe the audacity #but. complete misunderstanding. karma for stealing wallets ig #this will never be cleared up by anyone ever #but again thats not their dynamic they are just beavis and butthead. and i guess that makes juli daria LOL #finn's ocs #finn's art

[basilpaste]

#basil blabbers #in my brain i have something all sappy to say but im too nervous to put it on the post proper! so you get silly little tag rambles instead #its been a long time since ive felt *part* of a fandom. #and some of that was my own fault. after [an event lmao] i really struggled to put myself into fandom spaces actively. #so for a good while i just kind of??? i dunno???? ghosted? on the edge of fandom. too scared to actually engage #but like. and heres where it gets sappy i guess. in my time in the i.s.at fandom (however short it may be so far) ive been like. in! #i recognize people in the tags! i know them by name! they know *me* by name! its something i havent had in a long time. #and its really pleasant. at risk of sounding like a huge nerd: thank you all for being so kind to me. #how weird! to be noticed and known.

[charmac]

PLEASEE POST A NEW CHAPTER OF THE SUGAR DADDY FIC I AM ON MY HANDS AND KNEES 😭😭😭😭😭

Updating All These Nights tonight and then Sugar is next to be updated, promise promise.

#ask #sugar daddy fic #i have been in a writing rut that is known #so i needed to work out some more canon stuff to get the voices back yk? hence updating the other fic first #but also i still feel like the last chapter fell off hard cos i got like no comments #which i know is like 'who cares' but i think i majority switched the style (like for myself) last chapter and i really like it but #if people didnt respond to it #im a little stumped on where to go #(again not in the story but style-wise) #people do not respond to long chapters? people dont respond to the dennis chapters? too much time wasted on sex? idk im #yeah like just a little lost on what people enjoy in the story and what i should gut/cut down on i guess #cos last chapter is hands down my favourite ive written #content wise its close to 6.. #but style-wise i know its so fucking long but i thought it flowed really well and god i love exploring dennis' weird relationship with sex #but to me like only 4 people finished that chapter #to clarify. in my head there are literally only max 10 people who read this thing #and 2 of them are my random friends who arent in this fandom and just want to read what im writing #and neither of them bothered with a 27k chapter.. lol #so im stumped trying to pace the writing and rework how i thought it would go #cos i dont know what people enjoy in the fic!!! and seemingly did not respond to in what i thought was the best chapter so far.. lmfao #sorry you caught me on 30hrs awake and way too much coffee

[waywardsalt]

oh yeah i’ve got a bunch of loz aus that i haven’t really talked about. a few of them are listed and slightly explained in this poll and explanation reblog but i haven’t gone out of my way to actually list the aus i have and really explain them. so that’s what this post is for. here are some... decently simple explanations of my major aus and what they're generally about

i have two kinds of aus: original aus (loz aus that are set in their own kinds of worlds with their own stories and twists on character roles) and then crossover aus (we all know how this works i just mash loz and a thing i like together)

original aus: (many currently dont have actual titles, so the titles will often just be concept shorthand)

in the court of the crimson king/crimson king au: probably the most developed and closest to being written out. it's got one of the longer premises; set in a industrial-esque hyrule city, following linebeck as the main character, as the adoptive older brother of link and aryll, living with them and their grandmother as the only one able to reliably make money to pay for rent and food, leaving every other work to do jobs, but he moonlights as the 'demon of the gray moon', a masked persona he'd created as a child that had long since become a city-wide urban legend, anonymously taking unsavory jobs from whomever can contact him and offer pay, often working directly for bellum, a childhood friend, the one who enabled and trained him to become the demon, and one of five anonymous leaders of the city. linebeck effectively lives a double life, and tries to stay out of too much trouble to avoid drawing attention to himself or making his adoptive family worry, but he gets dragged into more and more danger as bellum becomes curious about the identities of the city's other leaders, and linebeck falls in love with a man named ganondorf, suspected to be one of those other city leaders. ive got a few posts related to it already: this one being another vague concept descriptor, this one being an actual scene i have written out.

'gimmick' au: i cannot explain the gimmick without spoiling the au. put simply, in this au, hyrule as a whole has been at war for ten years, every race and kingdom taking sides in a conflict that seems to be going nowhere. link joined the hylian army young, and has made his way up the ranks to become trusted by queen zelda herself, and things in the war take an interesting turn as he and zelda discover a new faction, unaligned with any particular kingdom and with unknown motives, and zelda decides to set out to the different parts of hyrule, link and a chosen group of trusted allies in tow, intending to try negotiation one more time before things take a turn for the worse.

sci-fi/space au: the fun one that probably would need to be done in a visual medium. it takes place in a solar system of a few planets, link growing up on the planet hyrule and occasionally traveling to the others as a knight specializing in investigating and taking down dangerous bounty hunters, working for zelda as a friend. he and zelda uncover a plot by the yiga clan to accumulate a number of highly dangerous research and weapons held by each species as they aim to resurrect a demon to wreck havoc on the solar system- the b plot being about the top bounty hunters in the solar system screwing around, eventually colliding with link and zelda's a plot as it begins to involve them.

murder mystery(?) au: one of the older ones, maybe one of the oldest that i still stick with. this might actually be one of the first ones i tried writing. the plot begins when zelda returns to hyrule city years after her father- the former mayor- was murdered, finding that he has been replaced by ganondorf and that while things seem fine enough on the surface, random and organized crime run the show, and she begins a private detective agency as 'sheik', a masked young man, and with the help of impa, and old friend and confidant, she moonlights as sheik and uses her daytime identity as zelda to help chip away at some of the city's biggest problems and finds herself drawn into a long string of murders that appear to be anything but random violence.

ruined hyrule 1: i have two au’s with the premise of hyrule being ruined. neither of them have more specific names yet. this one begins with the majority of greater hyrule's population having long since locked themselves in hyrule castle town in order to escape the increasingly dangerous wildlife. zelda, a young girl at the beginning, becomes curious about what lies beyond the city walls, and makes friends with many other children within this sheltered hyrule, and as they grow up together, aim to eventually venture out into the wilderness to see what may have caused the outside world to become so incredibly hostile.

ruined hyrule 2: the other ruined hyrule. set in a devastated hyrule, roughly ten years after the royal family was killed, link failing to save them or hyrule in the time since. he now resolves to set out and indiscriminately destroy every demon that plagues the ruined hyrule, meeting and bringing along various allies, each of which has been uniquely affected by and have different lived in this altered, dangerous shell of hyrule.

modern (school): i also have two modern aus. this one isn’t plot driven, just a concept i have, would work best as little vignettes or something. essentially just the idea of a group of loz characters hanging out together in a modern high school (or college?) setting.

modern: this is the one with an actual plot. follows the general idea of zelda characters living in a modern world only for the typical legends to begin resurfacing and heralding dark events. plot specifics are murky, but that's the general idea.

dark mage: this is the au that where the seas meet the sands takes place in. basically just ganondorf x linebeck shenanigans in this alternate hyrule while actual plot sneaks up on them. named 'dark mage' mostly because the initial idea behind this au was that linebeck would learn magic.

horror au: doesn't have the best name, and it's ended up just being a personal sandbox for me. constantly changing, with the cast and setting often altering if i find that something isn't working or sticking. it's an au i've considered (and even briefly tried) writing in the past, but it's still too fluid, and writing horror effectively is difficult. it's a fun au, though.

mecha au: spawned because i watched neon genesis evangelion. a lot of this au's basic concepts can be found here: x but the short version is that hyrule is being besiged by massive monsters, but each race has created their own mechs to combat them. link is just a farmer who happens to have a strange knack for being a mech user, so is brought in by zelda as a gamble to bolster their chances, and he is tasked with working with a new and less-than-trustworthy crew to help fight those monsters.

'amnesia link' au: an au that sprang up in about a day and hasn't gotten too far since. basic premise being that three years prior to the story, link and a group of allies has faced off against ganondorf and, despite their best efforts, lost, with link being presumed dead by their enemies. now, link has woken up from his coma, his memories gone and hyrule taken over, and, with guidance, must once again travel across hyrule, aiming to rediscover his allies and try to face ganondorf once more.

A quick list of crossovers: I won't explain these in length, since they can range from having their own plot to just being a fun mental concept. So, the things I have made crossover aus with are:

Warrior Cats

Batman

Jojo's Bizarre Adventure

Persona 5

Pokemon

(there are other, smaller ones, these are just the ones i consistently pay attention to)

So! These are the majority of my legend of zelda aus, some of which I may write, some of which just exist in my mind for fun, all of which I wouldn't mind talking more about if anyone is curious!

#i had to find an actual list i made to remember most of these tbh #salty talks #salty's loz aus #lmk if any of the colored text on here is hard to read i can change it #for some of the duplicate name aus the colors help me remember which is which but ill change it if it makes it hard to read #this took absolute ages to finish partially bc i dont have much physical evidence of these aus. they live in my mind and my mind only #my favorite little tidbit is that in the space au linebeck is a bounty hunter known for being a really skilled sniper #and i did not. in fact. be inspired by sniper tf2. this au predates my knowing about tf2. space au linebeck is inspired by fuckin #ttgl yoko littner and sao (gags) sinon. this will always be funny to me. space au linebeck is probably one of my favorite au linebecks #fun fact also. counting the crossover aus linebeck plays an antagonistic role at some point in 10 of these aus #also anyways worth reminding that a lot of this shit isnt actually very developed. the murder mystery au does not have a lot of actual plot #most of the developed plot stuff in these aus tends to be directly connected to linebecks role in the story bc a lot of these aus happen to #exist bc one day i was like hm what if linebeck was in (hyperspecific situation that led to the creation of one of these aus) #gimmick au is a really good example of how a linebeck in xyz situation thought can spawn a huge fucking story #but i cant get too specific abt that without spoiling the fucking gimmick and ive already said too much #'dark mage' au is also called that bc i think it was REALLY inspired by me thinking abt linebeck in the fe awakening male dark mage outfit #this has been sitting in my drafts for. so long. and then in two days i slammed all of those out and bam. here we are #the crossover aus list is also a list of 'media that also gave me brainworms and therefore got the honor of meshing with the Big Interest' #im not even a big time batman fan i just saw the 2022 movie and scrolled through an entire blog dedicated to harvey dent #i know so fucking much about harvey dent. why is dc so fucking bad about him #anyways welcome to the bottom of the tags. hope you enjoyed your stay. these r my weird loz aus #post-ph isnt here cuz i dont consider it an au. its something else between ‘au’ and ‘speculative canon’

[lesbian4lqg]

one thing i really appreciate about svsss is that with anyone else in shen yuans role?

the system's lbh mood ring points (satisfaction, heartbreak, etc) would be considered an invasion of privacy more than the whole transmigration thing already is or at least a source of valuable insight but instead

its shen yuan. if anything the mood ring reveals make him more confused

#(wiping away tears) hes so stupid #no but really the ways in which mxtx crafts her narration to share info with/withhold info from her audience is SO fascinating #*are #and to do it w/out breaking suspension of disbelief! shes so talented! #like theres so many examples! #the systems mood ring points making many of lbhs feelings/motivations obvious #(or at least comprehensive enough to be follow-able) #to the audience while still portraying sy's obliviousness as genuine and understandable #all of the hints as to hua chengs identity that make you think youve figured it out long before xie lian only to discover that #1. hes known for ages and just didnt mention it even tho HES LITERALLY THE NARRATOR? #2. we as the audience arent even told when he figured it out. we find out that he knows at the same time hua cheng does #(<- this also happens a bit w nan feng and fu yao. we Know but does xie lian know? yes he just doesnt care.) #its like the jkr 'it wasnt mentioned bc it wasnt relevant to harrys story' thing but CLEVER AND TRUE AND ON PURPOSE #i havent read mdzs yet but based on what ive seen & on cql a similar thing is done w wwx&lwj solving a murder mystery #theyre revealing what happened while wwx was dead to the cultivation world and the audience but also much of what happened when he was alive #(tho most of what happened when he was alive the first time is only revealed to the audience) #like i know mxtx is hardly the first author to do this but like. i just enjoy it so much? #anyway thats all i love her #shen yuan #shen qingqiu #svsss #tgcf #cql #mdzs #mxtx #✌️

[shakestheclown]

i really am so sick of being alone i am funny and smart and interesting and pretty, and i deserve to be thought of and admired, treated with care. it's a shame nobody has discovered this yet. when eartha kitt said i fall in love with myself, and i want somebody to share it with...

#ive known this for a long time but lately have not been giving myself such grace... working on it! #really tho im at a loss i dont know how im supposed to meet somebody who's exactly like me #as in - same temperament same humor same values #and maybe i dont even mean exact same just... complimentary. similar in some ways but only the right ways #like i just don't wanna go out places. i hate places #anyway. i give up but i wish i didn't have to

[bare1ythere]

Having lots of thoughts about how sensitive I am to others' opinions on my hyperfixation

#shut up me #UGH. I really just cant stomach seeing people disliking the characters/stories that I love or are important to me #not in the sense that it annoys me or makes me mad or anything like that #It just makes me feel like shit! #and I think a big reason why is that im scared to be ''wrong'' #im worried that liking the things I like (even when harmless) makes me a horrible person #and that anyone who disagrees with me automatically hates me or thinks less of me #even when I don't? feel this way about people who disagree with me??? #Its why I dont talk about things or characters I dislike in dr (other than the obvious egregious shit) on my sideblog #I dont want anyone who Likes those things to see it feel the way I feel ALL THE TIME. #Like okay I know v3's ending and mastermind reveal was contentious ive known this FOREVER and I know and can understand why #but it just makes me feel! so bad! when people dislike it #theyre so so allowed to I just dont know what to dooo #to a certain extent I just want to drown myself in fun and positivity because im just so tired of constantly feeling guilty and anxious #but i think its doing more harm to me in the long run #because I cant handle any negativity even when its warranted #but again. im just so tired of feeling anxious and guilty all the time for no reason at all #idk how to handle this im just. augh #Polls on my dash that are all in good fun but are stressing me out because I cant handle this stuff like a normal person )b #maybe delete later

[dykedragons]

i love making things for my friends!! i love it when my friends enjoy the things i make them!!!!!

#ramblies #i just appreciate them all so much. its the little things- the pins ive made them on their bags‚ the art ive made them as icons on socials #maybe its not much to them but its everything to me to know that the little things ive spent a little time making are worn #like badges of honor. its so special to me. #like‚ generally now i just feel so valued. my relationships are natural and reciprocal. #its like... finally!! THIS is what ive been fucking missing this whole time!! this ease!! #i dont need to prove myself‚ to compensate‚ to ask for reminders that im valued. they show me all the time. i never have to ask. #i dont know what happened. i dont know what changed from high school to now. i became a better person‚ i met better people? both. #i dont care how long it lasts or if its not this good forever. im just happy to be here. i finally feel worthy of this‚ without question #ive only known them for a few months but its the most secure ive ever felt. #maybe im oversharing!! i dont know!! i cant tell them outright ill overwhelm them!! its my blog and i can overshare if i want to!! #i dont know. im just grateful. #in other news i cleaned up my room a bit too‚ did lots of housework. always feels really cleansing. #after a stressful day yesterday this is what ive needed. a self care day. i have a lot of stuff to do but... it can wait while i rest lol #idk its just. so special to feel like i finally dont have to be the ''best'' or whatever to be loved. im loved as i am. #no arbitrary comparisons. its not conditional. i dont need to compete‚ i always feel like theres room. i hope we all thrive.

[girlwithfish]

5am instagram stalking ppl i used to go to hs with. its crazy bc some people are still friends with other ppl from our hs. i guess crazy to me bc i dont talk to anyone at all from either hs i went to nor anyone from the same school district i was in from 4 grade-8grade. i hvent mantained friendships or anything w anyone from any place ive lived. thinking its me. . ...

#the realjty is i was just really shy when i was a kid. the ppl i went to school w from ages 9-14 i didnt really have lasting friendships #i follow like 3-4 ppl from that time in school on Instagram but thats it rly. ive never kept a friendship #then fhe school i went to for under 2 yrs in hs I follow several ppl from cuz i guess i was somehow a little more social where i followed #some classmates on instagram but yeah no contacg w anyone and yeah. i really doubf anyone from either of those schools remembers me #i just wasnt rly close w anyone ever to remain in contact w. and i didnt reallly make friends at the hs i graduated from #and i follow a couple ppl from my last hs but thats it i havent talked to anyone from any of those times in my life again rly #Which is crazy like #I guess ive always just been standoffish. never unfriendly to ppl but i never really connected w anyone #beyond school and stuff. nd i doutb anyone remembers me anyway. i really was a nobody in hs without even my own circle of friends #crazy how rhat wrks out nd not thay i have many relationships atall rn besides family and my s/o but like its crazy cuz #sometimes my bf when were in his hometown will run into someone he wnt to school w cuz he stayed in the same school district #k-12 nd theyll recognize him and talk to him and its ctazy cuz ive movd twice so i just never stsyed in a place where that would happen. #i like dont know anyone from my high school here in nc nd have never seen anyone barely #LOL #sometimes i wonder what itd be like if i had stayed in ohio and gone to hs with all the ppl i had known a bit for all of middle school #Cuz i just really do not know anyone maybe my life seems a little lonely bc of that. idk.. #its hard when a lot of ppls friendships r built on the fact that theyve known each otber for a long time or since x grade and are childhood #friends or something

[thekenikaridevblog]

I’m going to have to actually write a script for certain parts of the dialogue in the full chapter because i cannot just let the characters possess me on this one and let the words flow. god damn it.

Also lil sneak peak but it is completely incoherent because I’ve only made lineart for this

#game dev #game development #kenikari #i still need to do two more but i dont know what poses to do #also hoping to god i get to use more the mechanic these drawings are for #because im really proud of some of them so far #you cannot see this but hidden in there is the gayest pose known to man #ive only written a script for the two long free time events so far #and it was hell lol

[chiisana-lion]

damn was it refreshing to be able to talk abt being aroace w someone without being met with condescending "you just havent found the right person yet" "you'll be so lonely though" "you'll grow out of it" comments and instead genuine attempts to understand and even voluntarily looking up more information on it like it rly isnt that hard!!!!! die amatonormativity why cant more people just simply go oh okay thats swag just like that!!!!!!!!!

#duck rants about something #im rly grateful to my friend i havent met someone as understanding as him in a long time ;u; glad to know her #a different friend who i think was interested in me i tried to explain to once . several times did he ask if i was Sure i would never like #anyone romantically and if i really wasnt interested in guys ever and i dont know what to tell you man i like you as a friend but i rly #dont think itll ever go there how many times do i have to say it #and even. from my childhood friends ive known since kindergarten #EVEN IF I DO MEET THE ''RIGHT PERSON'' ITS NOT FOR YOU TO DOUTB ME AND MY IDENTITY !!!!!!! #yeah sure you had another friend who id-ed as aroace once. and then when she got a boyfriend she got sooo sappy and lovey dovey #well thats!!! not me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! her experiences are not universal i genuinely dont think its gonna happen and i do not mind nor parti #cularly want it to anyways!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! leave it at that !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[seawitchkaraoke]

No but sometimes I am so tired of playing therapist/neurotypicals translator for my neurodivergent friend like. It's exhausting, to have to be the one to explain why your friend got upset when you just signed her up for the same study group as yourself without asking her first or letting her sign up for what group she wanted herself.

Like. I am good at patiently explaining these things, which is why she always asks me about these things but it's exhausting. But also therapy isn't very accessible and she doesn't have anyone else who really gets her problems understanding stuff to the same level I do so....

Then another friend who doesn't do this on this level but who does go on about how great it is that we can kinda laugh about neurodivergent problems together and such and how amazing it is and how she never really talked about these things with anyone else, which I agree it's great to have someone to talk about it but? The way she phrases it, puts a lot of pressure on me and makes it kinda weird? Like it's this great secret we're sharing? Especially since we haven't known each other all that long?

And like. Idk. I get it, I get to you it's amazing to have someone to talk about this to, someone who gets some of your struggles, someone who talks very openly and happily about being neurodivergent but. Man. I'm great but I'm not an expert in all things neurodivergent. I'm not?? Idk I'm not "special" for having adhd or for talking openly about it, I'm just some perfect life coach, I don't have my own life together, all I've got going for me is that I know what my problems are and that I'm not super afraid to talk about them

Idk. It's just exhausting. Like.... These two in particular just have vibes of kinda putting me on a pedestal (though in different ways) and that just makes me uncomfortable but also idk how to set boundaries there bc "stop telling me that I'm awesome" is. Hmm. It's not like that's what they do. They just imply it. They imply that things I do or say that really aren't anything special are somehow amazing and like??? Idk man I'm just me? Compliment me for the things I do that are actually awesome, not like... For agreeing to do a fun thing with you? I don't do it out of?? Pity? Or whatever? I want to do the fun thing?

#idk it's weird #the second one especially bc like... the first one I've figured out how to set boundaries mostly #she exhausts me sometimes but it's ok #but the second one? it's so weird like? idk she makes me uncomfortable sometimes #like we originally started meeting up to study and obviously ended up chatting quite a bit during that too #and she sends me like. several paragraphs long messages shortly after our meetups end several times? #that almost read like she's reviewing our conversation? it just. i don't like it #like... idk. it makes me uncomfy when ppl who don't know me that well go on about how good it was to talk to me about x or y #or how they usually don't have such great convos or whatever #like.... it feels... like they are very quickly creating an idea of who i am and what i am like in their head #and even if that idea of me is very positive it's still not accurate and it puts a lot of pressure on me to then... be that person i guess? #idk idk #and now this whole neurodivergent thing... like she basically said ''ive never told anyone this'' and i said well you don't have to #tell me your exact diagnosis or anything it's fine #and she didn't and I'm glad bc that would put even more pressure on me #but like she made it a whole Thing and i get even saying ''i'm neurodivergent'' out loud is big for her and that's great #but again. why me. we've known each other for like 3 months. please slow down there #yes I'm awesome but you're projecting ways in which i am awesome that are not real #and you don't even know about some of the ways i am indeed awesome #idk i really don't. we'll see. #trouble is i do like her and i do wanna be friends but man stop assigning me as your best friend forever please you'll get disappointed #this post went far away from it's original point and is now about so many different things #it's fine #rant #personal

[lampregistration3000]

god i love health insurance in this country

#would love it if it did literally anything #got to love the news that it won't cover anything at all for me in this surgery! #anyway i can still afford it and im still happy about it but like finances are so tight for me rn lmao. #its like. part of the reason ive been waiting so long for this is the pride and knowledge that i should not have to pay anything for #medical care under a just and correct system and having to set my standards aside and grovel for the fucking. necessary and life saving #stuff i need to not feel horrible and disgusting and ugly every day of my life is debasing and dehumanizing #to sum it u #i'm just really frustrated rn. #its so hard to like... go get help or do anything for myself in the first place ever because like. every single time i try to do anything i #get slapped with the harshest penalties known to mankind #you could argue that i could have tried to find a different doctor or whatever but i need my hand held through everything and i still think #that this one was the proper and correct choice based on that #anyway. i have the lump sum. i dunno if i should try to finance it to make myself not feel like i have no money or what. #maybe ill try to open comissions or something but idk if i even have time for that #like im still going to send them the request to reimburse me for my fucking medical bills anyway and i know theyre not going to because #fuck you. but still. id like a letter saying 'fuck you vintage go die and give me 10 grand' instead of just trusting some schmuck over the #phone about it. lmao. #im so tired. i need a break. #between this and work i think its killing me. #im hopeful my blood pressure isnt going to be too high for clearence lmao i am so fuckign worried about that because if it is then like. #nothing ive done at all to prepare for it has mattered at all #i need to be unemployed i am so tired of working for a living i just want to crawl in a hole and sleep for forever

[nnugatoryextravagance]

Apparently we might potentially move house as early as next summer due to finnancial issues, ghuahggghgfuck

#sludgetalkz #starting this year off on a strong note i guess hesus fucking christ #time to ramble in the tags i guess because god this actually fucking sucks so much #this area has known my family and i for so long even just thinking of moving so far away makes me feel dizzy #not to mention ive literally never been to a different school in my life literally how the fuck is that gonna work #im not going to my senior year at some new school in a town we all know is even shittier than ours genuinely fuck that #god i dont know man we might not even do it but its likely and im do fucking scared man i hate this i jhate this #my mom makes so much money but we still cant afford to live alone iffucking hate everything #i dont wanna move yet imnnot ready man #sorry this is like actually fucking me up really bad i dont know what to do #after so many years ive finally started feeling like this apartment is my home im not ready to lose that yet even if we cant help it #im so tired of having to move house so much i just want to have a home and stay there for once

[iliveinprocrasti-nationn]

i don’t like. the irrationality created by memories

#ive spent enough time pouring over information and reading studies and making sure i know damn well how this disease works so that at least #it’s not some unknown enemy and becomes something i can understand #which is fine until im crying and shaking in my bathroom over it potentially being in this damn house once again and at this time of the #year where specific anniversaries of horrible milestones come back to haunt me #and i haven’t been fully present in going on two years now but these last two days have passed obnoxiously quickly and none of it feels real #it’s been a long time since i haven’t known the hour much less what day it is #and i can tell you about blood vessels and symptoms and all the ways this disease can function in and destroy the body but it doesn’t make #any difference when nothing feels real and i had to check what day it was and got the date wrong for the first time in years #I’m also defaulting to hyper-rationality which hasn’t happened since middle school and isn’t. a good sign #it’s just a replay of a lot of memories i can’t forgot but this time it’s not just memories and has a very much physical component which is #worse. I think. by far. #and then there’s the repercussions of this where I have to see if my brain will allow me to anything #i can hope i can still go to work and everything because i do love it but last time this happened i wasn’t able to walk into any building #without having to leave #so. I don’t know. not to mention things that don’t have to do with school or careers? #and rationally i should be asleep at the moment because sleep is so so necessary right now but that’s the one thing I’m really struggling #with right now #i don’t know. it’s just a lot and I don’t appreciate the added layer of ‘time is a circle’ #there’s other things I have to deal with and work through that are more irrational than research vs trauma response but will probably be #harder to work through because man does my brain love latching onto a grudge but. for lack of a better term. whatever #im most upset about things pertaining to a career has been messed up and that i can’t celebrate chanukah with my family #because everyone else can think about christmas but im losing my winter holiday #im just. anything that isn’t empty is scared and angry and bitter just a little bit #vent tw