this is so cringe to come in here and say this but I lay my sword down strip my armor off and admit to you that in 2021-2022 I was a c!dream apologist Im so sorry i learned media literacy u were right all along ( I never actively fought with or spoke bad abt u I think I actually still followed u for ur art I just like, quietly disagreed lmfao ) anyway I mean. It's probably mainly that I was 14-15 ( insane horrible thing to be ) and saw a dramatic emo guy that had a 'fall from grace' comparing his early dsmp days to his prison ones and it fueled more interest and therefore sympathy from me that in his kind of freaky evilness he was still like "waa but I miss my friends .. and ... cat 🥺🥺" anyway. That's my attempt at analyzing why I felt so passionately abt him being a sad boy, also it just felt cool to be contrarian, I don't know but it was. Stupid. Consider this vindication on ur part
I’m 100% sure it definitely was because u were young and naive lol. But I’m glad u don’t think that anymore … but to vent for a minute like.. idk I don’t understand how you could ever find something to woobify that wasn’t either manipulated by the character and/or obsession with the Real Guy who is also a fucking serial manipulator. who would have thought.
It’s really frustrating to talk to or even see c!dream apologists because the constant denial that he never cared about anything but victimizing ctommy because he’s a sick pathetic fucking freak is just so upsetting lmfaooo. It’s also creepy and makes me feel like Hope Is Lost and men who perpetuate abuse will always have power over the narrative, both in fiction and irl. scary fuckin boots.
Also “consider this vindication on ur part” girl …. Sorry but that’s really annoying lmfao. I don’t know why you former apologists feel the need to apologize NOW … idk the more I think abt this the angrier I am and I’d rather dream apologists just. Not say this stuff to me. Regardless of how much you’ve changed lol. Harsh but … I need to stand up for myself a bit here
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assorted bodies doodles (transcript of that messy relationship square under the cut due to my handwriting/incoherency)
TAKE THESE W A GRAIN OF SALT i am like 90% joking:
hillinghead -> hasan, and vice versa: immediate mutual respect
hillinghead -> whiteman: he's incredibly smart, deceptively cunning but very kind. but he is also so annoying oh my god--
hillinghead -> maplewood: "please someone explain science fiction to me"
whiteman -> iris, and vice versa: two friends secretly think of the other as the sidekick
whiteman -> hillinghead: annoying him is quickly becoming a favorite pasttime
whiteman -> hasan: will not admit it but he wants parenting tips from her
hasan -> whiteman: has slipped a parenting book to him
hasan -> maplewood: deja vu about their future weirds her out a little, but she trusts her
iris -> hillinghead: fond of him from the time they spoke in the prison. enjoys fucking with him
iris -> hasan: SHE'S THE GOAT
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im sorry i have to rant im so fucking pissed
my exams end on 19th and I have to get rid of some books and buy some books which are quite pricy online so I had planned on going to college street on 20th and selling my books and buying the new ones at a cheap price and i was frankly really excited about it because all I get is a one day break to relax bcz i have to start studying for entrances from 21st so all I have is 20th and i wanted to spend it at college street and then get some food and basically have like a solo date kind of thing.
and i was so so excited about it i told my boyfriend about it like 500 times bcz i kept forgetting i've already mentioned it and it was literally on my mind a lott so i kept bringing it up and ik it seems like not a big deal cz i can just sit at home and chill too but i literally do not get to go outside my house. like- the last time i went out was new years eve and after that the only time i've gone out is to school or to give my boards that is it. my mother has some weird like problem wiht me going out like even if i tell her that i just want to go to our terrace for 5 minutes just to get some fresh air she won't even allow that she'll be all suspicious and like sTaNd In ThE bAlCOnY aNd TaKe FrEsH aIr like she herself doesnt leave the house (and blames it on me and my brother ???? when have we ever stopped you bro, she said I HaVe To Be HeRe To KeEp An EyE like im 18 i dont need to be watched 24/7 stop blaming me for choices you put upon yourself) and i just feel so suffocated ALL THE TIME i feel so overstimulated and im so sick of rotting on my bed and i dont want to wait for some birthday party or friends meet up to be able to leave my goddamn house i just wanted to go and have a fun day and get me some books thats it.
anyway so initially the plan was that my mom would go along but something came up so she wanted to postpone it to 21st and i didn't want to bcz i'd already be missing 3 days bcz of my boyfriends birthday, holi and my brothers birthday (all of which are important and i dont want to miss which makes me the villain apparently bcz i should "adjust" and cancel my "parties" instead of trying to stick to my plan bcz that makes me too demanding and selfish apparently) so i suggested that ukw why dont u go do ur thing which came up and i'll go to college street by myself...which is when the solo date idea came which i had really wanted all along but didnt bring up bcz i knew she'd say no but now there's a valid reason for me to go alone so like, its a pretty easy fix i can just go alone but noooo. First of all,
I've been to college street multiple times before so its not like its an unknown area to me
im going by metro which is quite safe
im going when there is stark daylight and i will return home much much before it gets dark and im literally 18
she never lets me go anywhere alone, not even take ubers alone if i want to get back from somewhere my bf has to come drop me everytime and then go backwards to his house which is so so so stupid and i never get to go out alone unless accompanied by family or by a male friend, so obv when i said i'll go to college street alone she refused to let that happen and started screaming about how 'if its so important to go on 20th bcz u dont want to miss a day of studying then cancel ur 'parties' and study then' and i was like no its not about missing a day its just that there's a very easy and logical fix to this problem which is i go alone and its not inconveniencing anyone so why cant i just do that but she will not listen to that bcz im 'adamant' and 'everything has to be according to me' bcz i found a viable solution to the problem. so instead of letting me just go she was literally ready to pay much more money and buy the books online, like.....why cant i just go bro??? (and she keeps telling me im a waste of her money bcz i will amount to nothing in life and my education was a failed investment or wtv so like now why are u wasting more money??? im literally trying to save the money that u 'waste' on me so just let me ???)
anyway i called my dad last night and told him and he was super ok with the idea he said its a good idea that i go alone and that he would speak to her but then today when i asked her if dad spoke to her she said yes, we'll go on 20th and i was like .....we? so apparently she CANCELLED her previously immovable thing for which she wanted me to cancel my 'parties', she cancelled that and agreed to go with me on 20th just so that i dont get to go alone- like ???????????????? what is ur problemmmm
so obv i was super annoyed and i went on a whole ass rant about how i literally struggle to even cross roads bcz i dont know shit about basic travelling bcz all my life ive been in a car and its a running joke with all my guy friends that i 'cannot navigate' and 'dont know any places' and obv??? if im never allowed to go anywhere then how tf will i know the places- the only places i know is bcz recently i've been paying a lot of attention and asking my dad stuff about what roads to take to reach certain places and when i go out with my friends i kind of try and learn a bit but thats it i've only ever gone alone completely alone to two places which is my beauty parlour thats 5 minutes away from my house and one bazaar one time that was 2 bus stops away, thats it. thats my extent of public travelling alone. and now im supposed to go to a whole new STATE for college and i cant even call myself an auto without struggling. and like- is this not a basic life skill??? like ok yeah its not rocket science and i will probably figure it out even if i start later in life but why not now? most of my guy friends literally go everywhere alone, why not me? and my dad agreed with all of this but my mom was just like "you'll be in the hostel only, no need to go out of the campus" like ARE YOU FOR REAL????????? and she's like "if u want to learn skills learn how to cook" like ok yes i will also learn how to cook for sure but i wont have a fucking kitchen in the hostel but somehow cooking is an urgent skill i should learn but going places by myself is unimportant bcz i should just never? leave? the? hostel?
anyway after much screaming and shouting my dad gave up and just cut the call bcz he doesnt want to get into an argument with my mother and my mother was being all suspicious like why do u hAvE tO gO aLoNe AlL oF a SuDdEn even though i literally explained why i want to do this alone but she doesnt think thats valid. so she refuses to let me go and i asked her for one reason why i shouldnt cz usuallt its always "no u have exam what if smthn happens" but now i literally dont even have exam so whats ur excuse now? streets will always be unsafe forever so "what if smthn happens" is not a reason to never let me go out without a man so just gimme one reason and she couldnt give me a single reason she just said "i said no, thats it".
and now she's gone off about how im useless and blah blah and "high maintainance" bcz i want books and "everyone else (some pishi's son) just studies online" and so the whole option of college street is apparently now cancelled and she's trying to set up a whole ass kindle account (half the books i need arent even available as ebooks) just because i wanted to go by myself.
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If you played the Pokemon DLC, what's your opinion on Kieran and Carmine :0
Absolutely love the both of them, kind of wild how my opinions swapped between them
At first I loved Kieran and really disliked Carmine but by the end of the teal mask I thought Kieran was becoming a little bitch (affectionate + positive) and I absolutely loved Carmine
Still do, I'd say Carmine is probably my favourite to come from scarvio, below Arven but above Drayton
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also while im at it (and by it i mean probably making a fool of myself) i do want to say when i say that i am kind of stupid i am being so genuine. my reading comprehension is so dirt poor.
school did a shit job of teaching me anything and i suppose then it should've been on me to fill in the gaps (grand canyon sized gaps in this case but i digress) but i was struggling just to get thru the days as it was. in english class i learned to just ask my classmates what they thought the answer was to symbolism/meaning questions and then sift thru what they said to find the bits that seemed correct (based on patterns i'd noticed in previous assignments of books/plays/films/etc) and then mash it together until it resembled an original idea. so i never actually learned to think for myself and i'm SOOO MAD at myself for that. did i get thru school with decent grades because of it? yeah sure. but now i haven't even done anything w those good grades except take a couple office admin and accounting/bookkeeping college certificates that im never going to use bc [gestures at my whole situation].
and now i've got piss poor reading comprehension, and i feel foolishly proud of myself when i watch a movie and i figure smth out independently that i then end up learning is like... baby's first symbolism. just skimming the surface of understanding. the sort of thing that everyone else figured out right off the bat and it took me maybe two days of analyzing the movie to figure it out.
head in my hands !!!!!!
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I can tell i am now experienceing actual real sleep deprivation and not just the omnipresent idiopathic hypersomnia fake sleepiness that my stupid lying body never shuts up about. I can tell because I am fallijng asleep in class regardless if I take my medication and I feel like everything is so, incredibly stupid and horrible, and everyone giving me homework or telling me to do anything is attacking me. And I can;t hold a conversation. And people are noticing my strange manner and pointing out that I seem wrong. And yet here we are AGAIN I have AGAIN stayed up late AND not gotten any work done. And on top of that I broke my fucking glasses tonight because I left them sitting on my fucking bed. And I'm freaking my parents out by crying over the phone and also I think I actually injured my shoulder last week its been hurting for four days now. and I'm so sad and mad at myself for not sleeping and not working but I can't work because I havent slept and I cant sleep because I havent worked. And every single time I get in a bad time like this my dad worries im going to die because i was suicidal for like a week in 2019 and then he gets mad at me for worrying him and I feel so so so guilty. Im so so sad.
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its sooo fucking annoying sometimes how people are just incapable of complimenting a sonic thing without also kicking down on it at the same time. like nobody can admit they like sonic music without saying some form of "well no matter how bad the games may be the music goes hard" "this game has great music too bad it doesnt actually have much game Lol" like idc you can have whatever opinion of sonic games you want but you dont have to tell everyone every 5 seconds any time youre appreciating a sonic thing. trust me you are not the first person to say whatever youre saying why don't you just enjoy the music like a normal person. when youre in the comments of a sonic song video or stream or whatever youre literally in a sonic circle none of us wanna hear how stupid or bad you think the games they love are just cause youre too embarrassed to say you like something sonic without backtracking on it. nobody cares.
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