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#i know i could have it so much worse ok i still just need to vent a little
missmagooglie · 1 day
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Prefacing this by saying this is not what I EXPECT to happen in 7x09 and 7x10, it's just one specific scenario that I feel particularly feral about right now... so with that said, I'm gonna throw out a dream scenario for the end of S7:
Tommy and Buck are dating and it's going well. Buck is just sort of blossoming in his new identity as a queer man. There's a self-confidence and assuredness to him that we haven't seen before
Meanwhile, Eddie has broken things off with Marisol and is quietly going through his own reevaluation of his sexuality. His awareness of his queerness happens pretty simultaneously with his realization that the way he loves Buck isn't entirely platonic, but he keeps it to himself because Buck is happy with Tommy
Episode 9 finds Eddie and Buck together off duty. Maybe they're having an argument. Maybe on the surface they're arguing about something small but somehow it feels much bigger
Mid-argument some emergency strikes. Buck and Eddie are trapped together and it's BAD. They're both in mortal peril, but it's worse for Eddie. Eddie hopes help will arrive in time to save Buck, but he's pretty sure he won't be alive to see it
(And I just want to stress - I feel like it's essential that they are off duty when this happens. They are in sync on the job, it's how they fit together outside of the job they're still figuring out)
So Eddie gets Buck's attention - because Buck hasn't given up yet. He won't. He CAN'T. He's frantically searching for solutions as Eddie repeats his name in a weakened voice, until finally he cracks and says, "Evan, please. I need you to hear this."
And in the final seconds of episode nine, Eddie Diaz looks Evan Buckley dead in the eye and tells him, "I love you"
Episode ten opens on an unrelated disaster, just to keep us gnashing our teeth a little longer
Maybe we throw some flashbacks in there for good measure
Check in on the rest of the firefam frantically trying to coordinate a rescue effort
But FINALLY they cut back to Buck and Eddie in mortal danger and replay the last few moments of episode 9. And believing these are the last words he'll ever say, Eddie tells Buck how much he loves him. He says he's sorry he realized it too late, but he could never, never regret loving him
Somehow there's a callback reference to Mitchell and Thomas, and the way Buck looked at their clasped hands as they died, and Buck realizing that dying together was never the point of their story. Living together was
And Buck is full sobbing and begging him not to give up yet because Christopher needs him and the team needs him and finally saying "and I need you, Eddie. You can't leave me. You can't-"
We get the sense that Buck is on the cusp of a love confession of his own, but before he gets the words out he's cut off by the sound of helicopter blades overhead.
Their miracle rescue arrives in time, led by none other than Buck's starting-to-be-something-serious boyfriend Tommy
After the rescue, we see Eddie in the back of the ambulance, stable and out of danger, and Buck's about to go over to him but Tommy comes running over and sweeps Buck up in his arms and kisses his temple and says, "thank god you're ok. I don't know what I'd do if I lost you"
And Buck lets himself be held, but his attention is over Tommy's shoulder looking at Eddie
Eddie, who's gonna be ok
Eddie, who loves him
Eddie, who is the absolute center of Buck's world, but Buck has never allowed himself to think of That Way
And Eddie meets Buck's eye over Tommy's shoulder and gives him a sad smile that lets Buck know he intends to go back to quietly loving Buck at just a little bit of a distance so that Buck can be happy with someone else
And just to really twist the knife, we get an overheard piece of dialogue in which Eddie refers to Buck as his "best friend" for the literal first time ever (I'm pretty sure? Up til now, any time the "best friend" label has been used it's been by Buck, but please correct me if I'm wrong.)
And the season ends there
Cue the entire fandom going APESHIT for the entirety of the summer hiatus
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malarkgirlypop · 3 days
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MEDIC! Part 27 (Donald Malarkey x Fem!OC)
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Oh guys this is a hard read for my first post in a hot second. I have been slow at writing this, cause this is super important and I don't want to have it be bad, or tacky. This is obviously horrible what happened to these people, and sometimes that horrific a of an event is hard to put into words. This is in means no way to offend anyone.
Disclaimer: End part of episode 9, if you are not comfortable with this please don't read.
Based on the HBO show and the actors who portray the characters, not hate to anyone involved.
Tag list: @imusicaddict, anyone else please let me know.
We again piled into the trucks, we were making good time, but it still felt like years being in the back of the vehicle. Babe had kept my secret from everyone like I had asked, but I caught him sending me looks throughout the night. The sadness still lingering in his eyes from the conversation we had had previously. All I could do was send him small smiles. 
We passed through the green countryside, chatting amongst ourselves. The rolling plains seemed endless, as they stretched out for miles, further than the eye could see. 
The trucks passed through the outskirts of the small rural town, a decrepit barn sat on the side of the road. Even from over the roar of the engines from all of the vehicles driving by, I could still hear the yells of men. I look to the barn curious about the commotion, everyone else also peering over. The barn door swung open as soldiers tossed men onto the ground, I could see from here the men were wearing German uniforms. I couldn’t look away fast enough as the soldier’s standing behind the men raised their guns, shooting them in the back of the head. I turned my eyes away from the scene, not wanting to witness the brutal killings. 
The other men seemed unfazed.
Except for O’Keefe, who looked around to his fellow comrades with shock on his face. They didn’t return the sorrow that etched his features, only shrugging their shoulders, or smiling at the man for looking so distraught by what he had seen. 
His eyes finally landed on mine. I returned the look of sadness and horror, but mine was worn with memories behind it. O’Keefe eyes shone with new fear and sadness, whereas mine was tattered and old. O’Keefe had not yet known the horrors of war, I guess that’s why the men didn’t reciprocate his concern. We all had seen much worse than a few men being shot in the head. 
What an odd statement to make. To realise. 
O’Keefe’s reaction was only natural, but for us it wasn’t out of the ordinary. It was a sad reality to think we were accustomed to the horrors we had seen.    
We finally pulled into the little town. The men quickly departed the trucks, getting orders from the Lieutenants. We weren’t staying the night, just stopping for a break, before continuing on in our journey. 
“I have to go on a patrol through the woods.” Don said as he approached me. I nodded my head, giving him a smile. There wasn’t much for me to do here, we weren’t unpacking, so I hung around the officers in case they needed me for something.   
“Ok, be safe.” I placed a kiss on his cheek. I watched as he walked away joining the rest of the men he was going with. 
—----------------------------------------------
“Emily! Guys! Hey, have you seen any of the officers?” Frank yelled from behind us. I turned to face Perconte, his normal playful expression filled with urgency. 
“No.” Babe, Lieb and I all stated. 
“Is everything ok, Frank?” I asked the man, my face changing to concern for my friend. He had been on one of the patrols. Everyone else had come back from theirs except for their group. But Frank was by himself, where were the other men? Even Don had come and gone, saying they hadn’t found anything. Frank didn’t answer me though, sprinting from one soldier to the next, asking the same questions. 
I watched him, my brows furrowed and lip caught between my teeth. Babe and Lieb seemed to have brushed off the odd interaction going back to the conversation they were having. 
“Ain’t that right, Em?” Babe nudged me, but my gaze was still fixed on Frank running around frantically. 
“Em?” Lieb asked, clicking his fingers in front of my face. 
“I think something’s wrong.” I told them, my stomach churning. I felt unsettled, something not sitting right in my gut. 
“He’s probably fine.” Lieb said, lighting his smoke, taking a deep drag from the cigarette. “Don’t look so worried, Emmy.” He tried to reassure me, stroking his hand down my back. But I shook my head. I set off after Frank as he ran into one of the buildings. 
“Em, where are ya going?” Babe called after me. But I didn’t turn to explain. I ran after Frank, gaining on him as I sprinted, dodging my way through the crowd.   
Frank found Winters first. The red haired man walked out of the building they had been temporarily occupying. I hung back not wanting to interrupt them, but I was desperate to know why Perco was so frantic. 
“Major Winters, Sir.” Frank started chasing after the officer who walked briskly towards where I stood. 
“Uhh, we found something.” Perco didn’t seem to know how to phrase his words. The pair passed in front of me, I followed behind them closely, eavesdropping in on their conversation. 
“We’re out on patrol and we came across this…” Frank stopped trying to find the right way to describe what he had seen.
“What, what, what, what?” Major Winters prompted Perco trying to get him to spit out what he wanted to say. 
“Frank, Frank, what is it?” Winters seemed just as concerned as I did. Perco stood in front of Dick, mouth agape, trying to think of how he wanted to explain himself. 
“I don’t know, sir.” He uttered, shaking his head. 
At that moment my stomach dropped. I didn’t know why, but something about how flustered, confused and scared Perco looked set me on edge. 
This war wasn’t pretty, hell no war was. But there were horrific things done, so many lives lost. There were a number of explanations as to what their patrol found, each one just as dreadful as the next.  
Winters saw that too. He loaded a couple groups of men into the back of the trucks, myself included. With Frank in the front car with the rest of the officers, he gave directions back to where the patrol waited.
I sat between Don and Lieb, no one seemed to take Frank’s worries seriously. The men in the bed talked and chatted casually to each other. I sat elbows on my knees and head in my hands, I couldn’t stop my leg from jittering and my stomach churning. 
We drove into the dense forest, following the dirt roads and Frank’s directions. I watched as Perco lifted his arm pointing left, my eyes followed. 
My heart dropped as my eyes landed on the gruesome sight. 
There in the thick of the trees, was a clearing. 
Within the open space was a fence, lined with barbed wire. The tall barrier loomed over a muddy field. In the middle sat wooden huts and a bigger building sitting at the edge. Outside of the fence was a tall watch house. 
I knew from the first glance what this was. 
No, I knew from the smell. 
That was the first thing to hit me. The stench of sweet rotting flesh filled my senses, it felt as if it clung to everything, there was no way to escape it. The men around me screwed up their noses and flinched away from the foul scent, their attention finally captured. 
The chatter had died as soon as the camp came into view. From a glance around the bed I could tell a lot of the men were confused, unsure of what they were looking at. Just like Frank; they were unable to put into words exactly what they were seeing.       
Within the confines of the barrier stood people. Well, they didn’t look exactly like people. I could see, even from a distance, their bodies were unfed and unwashed. 
The trucks stopped, the men slowly disembarking. It was silent, as they all tried to understand what exactly they were looking at. 
I jumped out immediately walking closer to the barrier. There were two fences. A perimeter between the two, enough for people to walk in. A body lay between the two barriers, gaunt and lifeless. 
The men inside the gate all wore the same sets of clothes, blue striped pyjamas. I swallowed the lump in my throat, tears already brimming in my eyes. 
It was one thing to learn about in school, but another to see it in real life. It all but consumed me. 
Everyone else still had no idea what this really was. Eyes all filled with questions and horror. 
Winters slowly approached the gate. The men inside stood waiting. I wonder if they knew if we were good or bad, but they didn’t run. They gathered around looking back at us as we looked in on them. 
There were no women, no children, only men inside. But they didn’t look like it. They all appeared pale and lifeless, only skin and bone, barely moving. 
The men opened the gate as everyone gathered in front of the opening. 
“Major, sir?” Christenson questioned, asking if he should proceed in opening the next gate. The gate that would allow these people to be free of their confines, and allow us to enter their decimated prison. 
“Open it up.” Winters commanded. The men nodded their heads, cutting off the chain that secured the compound closed.   
“Stand back, back it up, back, back.” Christenson commanded the prisoners as he tried to swing open the gate. 
They stepped back revealing smoking huts and even more men, ones who didn’t seem strong enough to approach the barrier. 
I couldn’t hold back my tears as they slipped down my face. I looked from person to person I could see the torture they had endured etched into their features, but I’m sure that was only a second. Only a small glimpse into the years of horror they had to live through. 
How many people did they have to watch die, family, friends, peers. Wondering if they were next or secretly praying that someone would just end their pain.
I wonder how long they were kept in these cages like animals waiting for their slaughter? 
How could people be so cruel to their own kind? 
We moved forward slowly as a group, the prisoners watched us, they looked apprehensive for a moment before they all seemed to realise we were not the enemy. 
They moved forwards, hands reaching out grabbing at the soldiers who walked in. I felt the sleeves of my shirt being tugged glancing to the side to find the men holding tightly onto me. 
“I’m sorry.” Was all I could manage, they didn’t even understand what I was saying but I just wanted them to know how awful I felt. 
A man reached for me embracing me in his arms, I held him back. I could feel under the material of his clothes, his thin frame, I could feel every rib and bone as I hugged him. 
He sobbed into my shoulder whispering in German, I didn’t understand what exactly he was saying but it sounded like he was thanking us. 
“Liebgott, Liebgott!” Winters called from the front of the group. My heart stopped. Lieb, my best friend, my rock. He had no idea his own people were one of the main targets in Hitlers regime.
I watched Lipton move back through the crowd yelling Lieb’s name. Joe and Don stood guard just outside the gate, guns in hand. 
Lipton brought him back through the crowd. I couldn’t tear my eyes away, he glanced over to find my gaze. 
Joe tilted his head, without words he was asking me if I was alright. I weakly nodded my head still wrapping my arms around the German man who wept into my shoulder. 
There was no way I could stop Lieb from finding out, and it would break him. All I could do was be there for my friend. 
Lipton spurred the men into action, instructing the men to give these people rations, blankets, food and water anything we could spare. 
The man holding me stepped back collapsing to the floor, I glanced around looking for water. 
“Water, can I get some water over here!” I yelled, Babe moved quickly holding out a canteen for me to take. 
I unscrewed the lid, pouring water into the man’s mouth. He was exhausted, as if he was holding on to the last of his strength until help came. When he knew he was safe he finally let go. 
I moved from person to person, tending to their ailments. But most of them I couldn't do much for, it wasn’t like they were actively bleeding out like all the other injuries I had become adjusted to. They were sick and starving. 
The only thing I could do was offer food and water. But each time I lifted my head the numbers grew, the more that gathered, the more ill they looked.  
A man approached me holding another in his arms. The man in his arms looked so weak, nothing to him but skin and bone, so pale he was almost translucent. 
The prisoner holding the man spoke quickly in German, his eyes pleading with me to help. I held out my arms as he passed over the very ill man. 
I let out a gasp as he was placed in my arms, he weighed almost nothing, I could feel every piece of him under my fingertips. 
I knelt to the ground holding the German man in my lap, trying to figure out what I could do to help him.  
“How can I help you?” I muttered under my breath. 
“Sing bitte für mich.” The man that lay in my arms said. I tilted my head listening to his whispered words. 
“Lieb!” I called, he rushed over kneeling next to me. 
“Sing bitte für mich.” The man repeated himself. 
“He wants you to sing for him.” Lieb said softly. I nodded at the man, if that's what he wanted I would do anything. 
“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey.” I sang quietly to the dying man, the song my mother used to sing as a lullaby to me. 
“You’ll never know, dear, how much I love you, please don’t take my sunshine away.” The man reached his hand up cupping my face as I sang for him. A tear slipped down my cheek. Lieb sat close and watched us. His own eyes glistened. 
“The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping, I dreamed I held you in my arms.” The man smiled at me, more tears falling down my cheeks as I held him in my arms. 
“When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken, so I hung my head and cried.” The man brushed away my tears, as his hand fell back down to his side. His breathing faded. 
“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are grey. You’ll never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don’t take my sunshine away.” A sob left me as the man stared up at the sky. 
I let go of his hand, resting it by his side. I moved from underneath him, lying him gently on the floor. 
Joe encased me in his arms as I sobbed into his chest. He pulled away, I looked up to find Don standing over us. He opened his arms for me, I stood from my position on the floor and moved into his embrace. His hand ran down my back as I cried. 
We pulled apart, Lieb had gone and gotten a blanket. He gave it to me to lay over the man. I bent down, closing his eyes to make him at peace and gently placed the blanket over his body. 
“I’m so sorry.” I whispered as I stood again. I wiped my tears away.  
Lieb was called away to translate, as Don and I moved around the camp, trying our best to help the men who came to us. 
We stuck close to each other not wanting to stray from the other’s side. 
I kept glancing over my shoulder to find Lieb with the officers and one of the German men. He was translating for them. I was just waiting for the bomb to be dropped, the truth to be revealed. 
“Everything ok?” Don asked, I shook my head. 
“What’s wrong?” He asked, coming closer. 
“Don, this camp. These aren’t prisoners of war.” I started, unsure of how I was going to explain this to him. His brows furrowed as he listened. 
“These people are innocent. They were dragged from their homes, away from their families. The only thing they have in common is that they are different.” There were so many groups here, but anyone who was ‘imperfect’ or ‘different’ was casted out. 
“What do you mean?” Don couldn’t understand that these people did nothing wrong. I’m sure his mind went to why would they lock these people up if they were innocent?
“Jews, Poles, Roma, musicians, people with disabilities, people of colour, this is who they have captured. And this isn’t the only one! There are thousands of these camps, some far worse than this. Don, Hilter wants a superior race, anyone who doesn’t fit that bill he’s exterminating.” Don couldn’t stop the horror in his eyes as he realised my words. 
“You’re saying there are more of these camps? That more people are in this condition?” Don asked, his eyes flicking around our surroundings imaging more of these exact situations. 
“They split up the families, women and children together and then the men together. These camps cover all of Germany and some other countries as well.” I explained the best I could to Don, who didn’t look like he was able to wrap his head around the information spilling from my lips. 
“Wait, how do you know this?” He asked his brows furrowed together as he glanced over at me. 
I bit my tongue, this wasn’t the time to expose my true self, all of this was too much in itself. 
“The nurses have been talking about it, I didn’t quite believe it till now.” I lied through my teeth, but Don didn’t notice, he was too wrapped up in the scene playing before us. 
“What are we going to do?” He asked, his sweet eyes full of sorrow as he looked over each person that walked in front of us.  
“I don’t know?” I answered honestly, as I stared off into the distance.   
I again glanced over to Lieb who was translating for the officers. Each man with their own look of horror and shock on their face. I bit my lip, waiting and watching. 
“Juden, Juden.” The prisoner they were talking to repeated. I didn’t need to be translated, I could see it clearly on Joe’s face what the man had said. 
“They’re Jews.” Lieb uttered, in his own disbelief and rage. Lieb was a loyal man. This camp, this attack, was on his own people, his family. 
“Lieb knows.” I told Don who was giving water to a man. I wanted to run over and hug him, but he was keeping his composure, still translating for the officers. So I turned my back and helped the men who gathered before me.  
The further we walked into the camp the more awful it became. The huts the men were living in were burned down to the foundations, burnt skeletons still resided in the ash and rubble. 
“Jesus Christ!” Don muttered covering his face with a piece of fabric, the smell was so strong it almost made it unbearable to breathe. 
“Look at their arms.” Don pointed out two men who lay still in the ruins. Numbers etched into the flesh on their wrists. 
“Like cattle.” Babe shook his head. We walked in silence through it all.  
We helped as much as we could, going into the huts and bringing people out. Each time I stepped inside, my heart clenched and cracked, it was tearing me up. 
The tears had stopped long ago, there was nothing more left to cry. I just needed to help, I think at some point I switched off, just to maintain some sanity, because before I knew it we were back in the beds of the trucks.
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rosicheeks · 24 days
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Unfortunately relatable. I grew up in the church and have a lot of Christian trauma from that. I show up for special occasions for my parents… sometimes. But it’s uncomfortable from the moment I step through the door. Bigoted pastor, the self-righteousness disguising the prejudice, the political comments from the altar. Shots at young people left right and center as if the hell on earth wasn’t caused by the same older generation 90% of the congregation belongs to..
I miss being young in the choir and the youth groups and not struggling with it. It’s wild to look back at the younger version of me who was unshakeable in his faith and honestly just saddening.
I was texting my sister today about it and she said
“I 100% think ALL of us have a ton of religious trauma and everyone else in the family just doesn’t realize it cause they’re still drinking the kool-aid.”
I ran out of tag room and didn’t want to delete any 😭 seriously not lying I could write a book about all my thoughts and experiences
#I relate to all of this so much#and it’s so sad how many people truly have religious trauma#I still find myself lucky and privileged cause I know there are stories MUCH worse than mine#it’s really hard cause my parents still think I’m a Christian#honestly at this point I have no clue what i am#even if I end up still being a Christian that doesn’t help or heal all of the years of church trauma#but the hard part is still acting the part for my parents#growing up I always tried to fit into the good Christian girl mold#cause I know that’s what my parents wanted and I didn’t want to disappoint them#but once I started smoking weed and they found out? it went all downhill from there#their perfect angel fell from heaven#and I feel like ever since I haven’t been really their daughter…. I’ve just been living on the outside looking in to everything#it hurts looking back at all the years I spent brainwashed into believing that was the ONLY faith#it genuinely makes me sick to my stomach thinking about the fact that I went to a pro life rally#the thing I was talking to my sister about was how mental health was never talked about in the church#when I started dealing with it and went to my parents or the pastors or any adult really and told them what I was dealing with#wanna know what the first thing they would ALWAYS say? well have you prayed about it? the way they treated mental illness was that it was#YOUR fault cause God is punishing you for something…. that you need to pray or go to church so then God will eventually take it away#and the thing is I don’t necessarily blame my parents (which kinda sucks cause I want to blame someone)#but honestly it’s just the environment they grew up in too… like I’m 99% sure my dad has dealt with depression his entire life#but won’t get diagnosed or anything cause they always believe faith has something to do with it#which makes me incredibly sad cause I just think about how much my dad has suffered and how he didn’t need to#^^ I was typing this out when I was late to my family gathering hahaha but then I think my sister called or something so I had to stop#sorry this post is all over the place - I swear I could write a book about religious trauma#yesterday went ok surprisingly but today? TODAY is going to be so much worse#sure I’ll make a post about it later but I guessssss I should go to bed now? it’s 2am and I have to get up at 5:45 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃#and I have a fuuuuull day of fun Christian festivities while I’m dealing with all of this bottled up and unresolved crap from my past#please don’t get me wrong I love my parents and like I said I don’t blame them - they did their best#it just really sucks wondering what my life would have been like if I didn’t grow up in the church or in a super religious family#I wonder if when I told my parents I was depressed if they would have instantly brought me in to get help
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also a special shoutout for real like wendy epic ableism moments when she stops talking directly to winston and expresses this is b/c he communicates too incorrectly (here too literally or whatever, once again whether he misinterpreted her or she misinterpreted him, it's put on him) and thus he doesn't deserve that
#winston billions#and i mean handshake with how winston's basically not considered allowed to talk at all by anyone out here#but like. alright we're not showing that winston is in the room mostly for a joke but even randos are like ''hmm. bit impolite'' lol#but once we do see him b/c he's speaking....like actually it Is heinously rude / diminishing / infantilizing to be spoken to indirectly#and The Behavior Is Inherently Ableist Here like ofc it's probably rude no matter what outside some kind of rly specific contexts lol but#that here she Is just implying he doesn't get to be spoken to b/c of some shortcoming / assumed lack of capacity#whatever she Does mean by ''see the matrix'' which is nothing but convenient vagueness abt Ability anyways#he's only here b/c she thinks he's annoying or w/e or otherwise extrinsically showing lack of value (can't be ableism there....)#and like winston and any other character is like. it's not textual sure but it doesn't need to be Textually Labeled#and sometimes can't be when ppl absolutely write based of ppl they know / encounter but don't know are autistic or etc#and that's how it works irl too. someone being Officially(tm) Autistic or smthing shouldn't be some necessary disclosure#b/c it's about The Underlying Principles At Play vs making some approved ''exceptions.'' if he's supposedly allistic it's still sm shit.#like how trans ppl & transphobia could exist prior to those terms even existing to be used. ppl are affected by them w/o being Out....#& btw like ppl still saying some shit like ''some autistic ppl will just be Bad At / Have No Social Skills & you have to be chill abt it''#like what does [social skills] mean here. what's the underlying element of socializing that they may do differently but you say is a Worse#or Absent version of the ''normal'' way of going about things. even if you actually get specific enough abt what a ''skill'' is; which is#gonna be a non universal non rule probably inaccurate idea of a Normal(tm) pattern of behavior/approach; sure maybe some ppl will struggle#to do that or largely/entirely not be able to do it / be unwilling to do it; gasp; what's its goal/effect & do they pursue/achieve that#another way. e.g how much AAC could be considered inherently ''bad'' re socializing or a lack of w/e ''skills'' or etc.#then like ok so once again a begrudging exception for autistic ppl is made. what's ''being okay with'' that even look like then? is anyone#gonna be using their ''good social skills'' to more successfully interact w/them? is Not socially excluding / ostracizing / punishing an#autistic person an Exception / something Extra you heroically do? e.g. & so what if some theoretical person isn't socially engaging w/other#ppl in any way. what do & don't they ''deserve'' differently from others b/c of that.#& anyways meanwhile they're certainly talking abt winston's Capabilities. but mostly talking around it b/c the point is He Gets Results &#will keep getting those results b/c why wouldn't he. but they can just cite anything to argue why oh but he doesn't Really have the value#cue vague shit like matrix refs b/c if he was Reeally talented we'd think he acts right. b/c Any bs can be said b/c winston doesn't have#the insulation or backup or ability to independently wield/gain social status his way through this shit. is only allowed to talk to#coworkers abt it by making it abt taylor actually (which is also true). still only makes it b/c rian is correctly remaining in the#acceptable range of being offbeat. so she already has more power than him & can choose to keep him around as that fun punching bag ig yay#then nobody cares. also he can't say he controls an instrument but Others refer to ''genius'' but negatively. wendy rhoades Would do ABA fr
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cutemeat · 2 years
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i rlly truly hate feeling so useless. i just. am. but i dont want to accept it.
#i need to. i mean look. dennis couldnt accept it n it made him miserable#i hav no energy even 4 sunny this is. bad jknfdkjgntr#i am having . a rough week#i keep overcompensating n trying to sound smart cuz i know im not. i could not graduate from public HS. i know im not smart.#i could never get into college. would not even pass a class. i just. am not. smart. but i wish i was. i try to sound like a smart person.#but its all cuz i know im not#i cannot. do anything. but ppl look at me n they say 'ok u are capable :)' n then i still cannot do much. but i LOOK like i can.#it doesnt matter how many times i prove im a failure. they still say well u just are not trying hard enough. keep going.#but its never enough. n i dont know how to be enough. idk what i am good for.#i just dont 'apply myself' . i feel so fucking awful. i hate it i cannot do this shit. but i have to. i am so tired i want to go home.#how do u apply yrself when there is nothing to apply#but theres not anything wrong with me. so its just me. n i cant . i . feel like a robot every day. nothing in me. nothing.#but ppl look at me n know i must serve some function or purpose right? so just keep going. keep going#i feel Plateau lately#i try to apply myself but it never works. tell me why it never works. tell me why. am i rlly just a lazy piece of shit. i guess so.#n i cant be pleasant abt it when ppl try to help i only make it worse#cuz no one seems to be able to find an explanation otherwise. in 20 yrs if there was one they wouldve found it by now right
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pepprs · 2 years
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i like uh. literally cannot believe what is happening is still happening btw.pain and suffering (update omg i hit tag limit CRINGE but i think i was done anyway lol)
#purrs#ive felt sort of beholden to keeping it quiet on here bc i felt bad since it was still kinda a secret irl. but i think the word is#traveling fast irl so im giving myself permission to talk about it with my dearest belovedest mutuals some of whom are irl friends i have#ghosted for the last week and a half despite initially trying to set something up bc i have been so miserable over it that i can’t function#and for that i apologize and i swear to god i will get it together eventually. but ok. the thing that happened is that. lol i am crying#typing it bc how do i even say it. my supervisor who is also my mentor who is also dare i say my friend who is also my close colleague who i#is also the reason i even got to the place im in to begin with in so many ways… got a new job. and didn’t tell us she did and dropped it on#us last week. literally a week after i started my new job and i was so so so looking forward to getting to work closely with her in this new#way at last and um. that is not happening anymore. and it could be so much worse like thank GOD she didn’t *** or whatever which is#something i worry about literally constantly. but this hurts. it’s devastating and i feel betrayed even though im so happy for her and she d#deserves it so much. and im so fucking sad and do fucking scared bc there’s literally 3 of us now and we have to NOT PANIC and act like we#are processing this totally fine or else we will face Consequences which are the same reasons she’s leaving probably. lol. idk. it’s very#cringe to post about it and not vague and i know it’s like weird to be close to work and to your colleagues and whatever but it has never#been just work and it’s like. how can this person come into my life and utterly transform it and we go on this journey together and we JUST#reached this beautiful glorious pinnacle but then you leave?? and who knows how long she was planning to do this. lol. and despite how s#much i care abt her im the least close to her personally out of everyone on the team so i am suffering and withering and exploding and#sobbing and howling and barking and i want to talk to her so bad and tell her how much she means to me and that it is physically painful to#think about doing this without her bc she was supposed to like. help me and stuff bc she went thru baiscally the same path im on lol and we#have a lot in common in terms of identity / life situation and i was like ummmmm hi can you teach me how to be a fuller version of myself.#and this ks like such a wake up call that no *i* need to teach me that and no one can. but i don’t want that to mean losing her and im so#scared that she won’t be in my life anymore and i am going to miss her so much. im going to miss every little thing and it’s killing me and#i can’t stop crying about it and it feels like a fucked up nightmare and everything is different now and im temporarily secon in command who#which is like wtf no that’s YOU. come back. how could you leave. but she needed to i guess and i just didn’t know how bad. but it hurts ummm#lol. and if she knew how hard ive been losing my shit i think she would be angry and sad and like surprised bc i think she thinks im#normaler than i am now but it’s like god. there was so much to look forward to and i was already feeling weird about the future and now it’s#like the little parts of it i at least knew i could count on are totally gone because she’s leaving us for fucking ****** of all places LMAO#delete later#i know it’s like weird to vent abt irl stuff / ppl so candidly i know what it suggests about me but this is like my best possible coping#mechanism rn i guess or at least it feels the best bc ppl like the posts and you don’t even have to say anything it just lets me know that#like. im not insane for it iwguess. even though iwreally feel like it. idk. i just am going to miss her so much. i wish i could stop crying
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diari0deglierrori · 1 year
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Seriously…. And then they ask why I’m mad so often
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ghosty1111 · 1 year
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cant wait to move out so i dont have to deal with my mom complaining everytime i...have pants on the floor in my room twice a week🤨
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as-rare-as-trees · 2 years
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I think it's hilarious that in the morning I have to take a nap to recover from my night of sleep
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yamikawas · 2 years
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ok but literally anyone else who likes yoomtah too much should die.Lol
ps: girl i went so insane i hit max tags before i was even done typing.
#going on twitter to search for more images of her and being reminded that other people like her and getting violent abt it hashtag girl#full offense but you are never going to even come CLOSE to loving her the way i do you dont even deserve to LOOK at her ^_^#bet yoomtah would shock you to death with a million volts to the head for trying to get in between us lol#(''you'' referring to the people i want dead for liking yoomtah not to the person reading this JSYK)#but like seriously why cant people just get that shes MINE and just shut up and draw her without saying weird crap#bro shes taken she would literally kill you for trying to get in between us the only one who she wants to cuddle and hold hands with is ME#her and i are at a point where we seriously know we're gonna get married and you STILL have the nerve to say things like that about her???#SHE'S TAKEN SHE'S IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP WE'RE PRACTICALLY ENGAGED HAVE YOU CONSIDERED DYING IN A DITCH AND GOING TO HELL#like what the hell is your problem are you somehow not aware that she is already mine. that i'm the one who truly loves her.#like what do i gotta do to drill it into your ignorant brains#SH TW /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// do i need to carve her name into my skin to prove it. Lol#i could!!! i really could!!! i bet no one else would do that for her!!! it would prove everything she means to me!!!#would you finally leave her alone then??? would that prove how much i need her??? would you finally let me have her all to myself???#but she wouldnt want to see me hurt. and if she Did then thatd make me feel even worse. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa#but i'm not about to hurt someone else irl to prove myself so what other option do i have#but also that'd require posting sh pics to prove it and well guess what happened to my old vent blogs when i posted sh pics -_-#ok if ur reading this and genuinely worried for my safety or something i am most likely Not going to actually do anything im just being a#lil mental rn and i need to get the thoughts out there so they dont fill up my brain i hope u understand JHSJDKFBJGKG#SH TW IS OVER U CAN KEEP READING IF U WANTED TO SKIP THAT#girl what is wrong with me i base my entire life around a cartoon chr and then get mad when other people like her at all#but to be fair she's the first real reason to live i've ever had like.#i remember even at early elementary school age i felt like i would question what i was even alive for and if i even had a purpose#i am not sure if that is normal or not but i have a feeling it is not?#and if u followed my old vent blogs u would know How i was. Yknow#and even with things and chrs i liked before none of them made me feel a genuine reason to live.Until Yoomtah#it didn't take long for me to notice that the happiness i felt with her was something much more significant#something that gave me hope to keep going. something that made me feel truly alive.#something i have never experienced before- she is something to LIVE for.#shes my everything!!! shes the reason why i was made!!!! i could never exist without her and thats why i felt so dead before i met her!!!!!#what i feel for her is love but also so so so much more than just ''love'' can describe!!!!!!
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be-good-to-bugs · 6 days
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itd be so cool if the shitty people in my life were not shitty and were actually slightly decent
#the bin#:/ i wanna stop feeling horrible abt shit with my sister but it makes me so angry and upset ALL the time#im so fucked up abt this. how could i not be. i guess. hhhhh. i dont know what to do. it sucks so much.#its so hard to deal with the aftermath of a deeply abusive relationship in general. and when you cant talk to anyone about it or tell#anyone who knows that person. and you have to continue to be nice or at least civil with them. probably forever.#that SUUUUCKS. she is so awful. shes always been awful. i want to heal from that experience but i feel like im still stuck#probably mostly because im literally physically stuck 1000 miles away from everyone else i know in a place where shes the only person i know#but even after that i think ill still feel so stuck. theres a lot of things she has that i really need to get from her before i do anything#that might make her mad at me. i want to delete our stupid chat full of uncomfortable shit vut thats gonna piss her off#she has a lot of pictures of me from when i was younger and those are pretty much the only pictures of me from then#i can barely even remember those years. id like to get those if i can. also i wanna see if i can convince her to delete all the weird videos#she took of me without my consent while i was having psychotic episodes bc like. what the fuck. AND i know she literally just shows them#to her friends and laughs at them bc shes told me she does. which is very upsetting. and if i can get her to delete them id feek so much#better and not be upset over that all the time#i just cant get iver how much she fucking sucks. she does so much fucked up shit and its so awful. why would she ever think its ok ti record#me when im not in a good headspace. without telling me. and then upload it to her snapchat also without telling me#i only found out about her doing that originally because she decided to show me some of the funny things people said about me on the#video i didnt even know existed and had no memory of what happened. she loves to claim shes so chill and nice and good about mental#illness and she understands it so much and would never ever do anything weird and ableist like that. and then does that.#i feel so much worse abiut myslef and all the behaviors i have caused by my myriad of mental shit specifically because of her#ugh i am so not looking forward to being in a car with her for 20 hours when i move. but thats how it has to be.
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It never gets any fucking easier does it
#bitch bout to do smth very stupid here#i've kept my distance for what already feels like forever n i really thought by now i'd be. at least on the way to functioning on my own#i can ignore it when i'm doin ok but the pull never goes away it's always there#then i get low n i just. can't think of a reason to fight it anymore#i feel like i got sold just another lie. that if i just stay strong n don't go back then i'll start learning how to live w/o him but#did anyone actually tell me that? did i just lie to myself? he makes me feel awful most of the time but if i feel awful anyway then why not#sometimes it helps for a moment or two#that's if he even wants me around anyway. could you go either way#cause i'm sick n weak n suicidal just the way he likes me but also he might be too focused on doll to feel like playin w/ me rn#i feel like everyone told me it'd get easier but maybe they didn't. or maybe i'm doin smth wrong.#honestly it might be my fault he's gettin worse again in the first place cause maybe he was right n i just need a villain in my life#someone to blame when everything's too hard#i guess i wouldn't know what to do w/ myself if he really changed like we supposedly want him to so.....#i hate how i'm realizing he was right about more n more things all the fucking time#i can't do this on my own. i need someone to go to someone i can rely on someone to hold me#others in this system got someone who actually cares about em n what do i get? fucking val#i try not to go there cause it's not healthy but lately it's been hard to convince myself this life isn't a punishment#hell was too cozy so they put me here instead. i don't deserve to be looked after. i only deserve to be used#i don't know what exactly it was i did that was so awful but. i can't make sense of it any other way#so there must be something. this is just me gettin my due.#why else would i have been made like this? wired wrong for this world in so many ways always needin too much#so stop bitching n whining about it n just take it like a good boy#i'm still a good boy if i rly put myself into it right?#spdrvent
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jade-curtiss · 10 months
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Ngl I think it's so funny when people assume post op trans men are subpar of exclusively bottoms, i mean if the advancement of science were that great (the awkward part is...technically they could be...and are...sometimes but it's an extremely experimental thing but yea, it's technically possible to get taller but i wouldn't advice unless you really want it that bad (I could have had access to that kind of shit, but...a tes risques et périls, comme j'connais quelqu'un qui a tenté le coup pis...erm. ouin. Ça marche, mais comme t'as pu trop envie de marcher pour une secousse après (no joke, mais ça coute cher en criss pis c'pas moé qui réfère) , so yea...i do kinda thrive from being reduced to some "can't do anything bottom", because...it's always so validating when people assume people can't do things they can, ugh.
#the only thing is i hate it when the person i top is way taller and got no flexibility otherwise...#but some people ask#way#too#much#given their sature and the fact I'm rather small (in height 😠) and that's what it is#and will my fucking keyboard stop going back to Cyrillic and Gregorian it's fucking annoying here#enough with the earthbound spy alphabets (ngl i have no idea how the gregorian alphabet still exist other than for aesthetics)#i wish i was laying conspiracies but i know someone rather whole who went that town and hm#they off at the gym leaving me alone every single time anything important happens 😔#but yea im not telling anyone anything revolutionary#anyone who studied enough know what it could be refered#but also know#ok cool but the nail feeling in hour bones until you stop treatments?#and no i never touched that but witnessed the glories of good dispensaries on the black market and ngl it works but shit is so expensiiiive#and i dunno the level of control given how cutely homemade the stuff came in#no enabling here anyone feeling bad would feel worse for quiiiiiiite a while if they knew for something that requires a loan for most peopl#the lowest i've seen from my sources was around 19k (it was in another currency but translated yea around 19 not for the whole thing)#just around 200ml but you'll need it rather often so#imagine around 80k for just being taller of like...2-3 inches at most#stupid really#but what i bought worked with less side effect and a way more pleasant odor than the regular so i respect
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yeslordmyking · 1 year
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❤️‍🩹
For all the loved ones of Moonbin
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Races Shouldn't End Like That - F1 Grid
Request from @rj10109 - could I please request a f1 grid x driver reader where reader kinda passes out from heat exhaustion in the qatar grand pix and the grid acts like protective older brothers, or the reader gets into a crash and gets injured and everyone just dotes on her
I did write something similar to this based around Charles dating the reader, but I actually quite like this idea tbh.
Alfa Romeo driver!reader
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Y/n's head felt like her brain was melting, it wasn't just a headache, it actually felt like there was fire all over her. Her skin prickles from the heat as her suit clings to her skin, saturated in her sweat. Every breath out hurts.
Talking on the radio takes up so much energy when they finally tell her she's over the finish line, she actually feels like she's going to be sick.
"Y/n, do you copy?" Y/n's race engineer calls out making her snap out of her.
Whatever Jamie said, she just wasn't listening.
"Copy." She coughs out completely breaths.
Sweat is blurring her vision and has been for a while, she feels like shit and the idea of hauling herself out of the car is just too exhausting.
"Y/n? Are you feeling ok? We've had reports of other drivers unwell and Logan retired due to feeling unwell."
That was an option?
"Y/n?"
"I don't feel good." Y/n finally chokes out.
"You don't feel good? Do you need to stop?"
"No. I can make it back, I just..." Her voice trails off into a dehydrated cough.
"Alright, just bring yourself back. Don't talk."
When she pulls in she turns off the car and just sits. Not even sure how she's meant to get out the car.
"Hey, hey, baby girl. Let's get you out of there." Jamie smiles appearing with her trainer Gordie who reaches in undoing her helmet and pulling it off. The drenched inside soaked so much with her sweat that it drips out of it. "Jesus."
"That bad?" Y/n jokes as her balaclava is peeled from her skin. "Fuck."
"Ok, we're going to get you out."
"I'm...I'm...it hurts. Everything hurts." Y/n admits making Jamie look at her in worry.
They manage to position themselves to pull her body from the heat of the cock pit and with a couple of the mechanics there pointing the fans at her as they quickly peel the upper part of her suit off.
"Let's get you to weigh in. Media can wait. I want you checked at the medical centre." Gordie states making her nod. "Come on, we got you."
"No. I'm fine. I'm good. No one else is being carried-"
"Trust us. Some of the others haven't got away from their cars." Jamie states making her look around to see Alex is still very much on top of his car looking just as bad if not worse than her.
Y/n sighs heavily before she stands up feeling her legs wobble but she holds her hands out to keep the men from aiding her.
"I've got it."
Y/n makes it to the weigh bridge where she doesn't even want to know how much weight she lost before she moves to change quickly into something at least a little less sweaty with Gordie's help.
They get her to the medical centre where she is quickly told she has heat exhaustion to which she replies it feels like she was boiled in her own blood throughout the race.
"I'll do media pen, then can you make sure there's an ice bath to drown myself in?" Y/n asks making her trainer nod as she sees the teams comms personnel waiting for her to get her to the media pen for her post-race interviews.
Y/n ends up waiting a few minutes because she's came in a rush of drivers coming in late.
"Y/n, you look..." Charles grimaces making her shake her head at him.
"Don't." Y/n states quickly as he looks at her in pity. "I thought I was going to die. You look fine though."
Charles' expression speaks loudly in ways he clearly doesn't want to.
"Y/n...Here, have this." Charles states giving her his ice pack vest and helping her into it.
"You don't have to-"
"You need it more." Charles shrugs before moving over to another interview while she finds herself with Esteban suddenly appearing.
"You joined Ferrari?" Esteban jokes making her laugh then wobbling a little as she tries to shift her weight. The sudden coolness is a bit more of a shock to the system and is seemingly making her head floor with all the hot blood as if it's running from the ice pack jacket. "I thought I was bad. I was sick in my helmet if that helps at all."
"I'm not sure it helps...are you ok?"
"Better now. I look better than you...how much weight did you lose?"
"You should never ask a lady that." Fernando states appearing suddenly as he moves to hug y/n who sort of takes the rest of not quite supporting her own weight. "Ah, y/n. You are burning."
"My-"
Y/n stumbles pushing past the Spaniard and out the media pen only, dropping onto her knees as the small amount of water she'd managed to get into herself after the race spills out of her.
"Y/n?" Max calls out suddenly making her shake her head.
Her head feels like her brain just exploded from the strain and pressure of heaving and the world is spinning around her.
"On three."
Two people have locked onto her arms and lifted her up just enough to shift her away from the puddle of sick. She's in a bad way.
Max and Lando are the ones to lift her and carry her to a table. Where Lando came from she doesn't know, she just sees the flash of orange with curly hair.
"Hey...they're getting the medics." Lando smiles crouching in front of her while Max fusses over her trying to get a cold towel around her neck.
She's broke out in a new sweat and there's seemingly not enough to cool her down.
"You guys aren't this bad." Y/n hiccups making the slowly gathering crowd of drivers, trainers and other team members exchange looks between themselves.
"The ones who aren't here, are this bad." Max states before the medics appear and everyone divides.
-
Y/n ended up being given some pretty strong painkillers and taken for an ice bath before being rushed to the hotel.
With the news of her in a pretty poor condition meaning that she couldn't leave as soon as she'd planned to, a few of the drivers grouped together to make sure she knew that she certainly wouldn't be alone.
"Y/n...you have some guests." Gordie smiles having disappeared about half an hour ago and now reappearing with a group of drivers behind him.
Among those, Oscar, Max, Charles, Carlos, Lando, Logan, Alex, Lewis, George, Pierre, Esteban, Liam, Yuki and Fernando. More than half the grid joining her.
"We're having a day all squished together." Carlos smiles as he climbs onto the bed that she's set up on and hugs her. "Poor baby."
"You are so lucky you didn't have to do that race." Y/n pouts leaning onto him.
Even now her temperature is a little high, Gordie has been trying to get her to eat some breakfast but they're about to destroy his efforts with a much more effective method.
"We bring ice cream cake!" Max states presenting the cake with Yuki.
"As long as I'm not expected to eat it all."
"Yeah, we're still waiting for her appetite to come back." Gordie smiles as the drivers each find a spot to place themselves. Most fitting on the bed, some dragging the spare seats and sofa over to the bed so they can all be close.
"I think we got it from here mate." Lewis states patting Gordie’s shoulder.
Her trainer had stayed up through the night essentially nursing y/n and making sure she didn't suddenly need medical assistance again.
"Did you guys really all come here just for me?" Y/n pouts as Yuki takes charge of dividing up the cake.
"You scared us yesterday." Max comments making her grimace.
"So Alex and Logan." George assures her but when she looks at the Williams drivers, she's isn't given much comfort. They've both laid down on her bed towards the end and look like they each need another 20 hours of sleep.
At some point Max sets up a games console and they begin playing video games. Though y/n is still far too fatigued and achy to take part. She decides to team up with Lando who had sat himself on the other side of her to Carlos.
And that's how she spends the day, some of which she is dozing in and out of sleep leaning either on Lando or Carlos till Lando moves and swapped out with Liam who apparently decides to nap with her for a while as the others bicker about a certain game.
Eventually they all fall asleep and when Gordie returns in the evening he manages to wake them all for a meal then leaving them to sleep again. Which they all do more than happily.
Even Carlos and Lewis are just happy to be involved, despite their lack of involvement in the race over all.
It's already been decided the drivers will be having a meeting with the FIA to discuss the matter of the race and conditions in which it's acceptable to allow a race to go forth. Obviously they have rules in place for wet weather. But there seems to be blurry lines about the safety of hot and cold and where the line lies when the temperature is simply too high or too low. But they'll tackle that after some recovery time.
Taglist: @namgification @hiireadstuff @jsjcue @geniusalpaca @itsjustkhaos @llando4norris @partyinpitlane @lpab @xoscar03 @harrysdimple05 @mellowarcadefun @cixrosie @scopeiguess
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chisatowo · 1 year
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My aunt is gonna be leaving til next friday tomorrow I think, hashtag winning
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