#i keep thinking about self harm and im really struggling to not do anything

[butchdykekondraki]

its time for scp required reading... TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

please for the love of god heed the fucking warnings im so serious . like as much as i want to keep the tone of this post jokey and funny you NEED to heed the warnings on these

ok with that out of the way. read about my blorbos boy

''incident 239-b clef-kondraki'' (general warning for violence and blood/gore) - this one fucks. thats all i have to say about it

''technical issues'' - this one's funny + im biased because i fucking love pat the tech guy

''routine psychological evaluations by doctor glass'' - again i have personal bias about this (<- simon glass enjoyer + host is a glass introj) + this ones funny + if you're more into the fanon versions of the foundation staff this is right up your alley

''tradition'' - halloween party fun :-)

''dr cimmerian hits reply all'' - this is exactly what it sounds like i don't now what to tell you

''stupid cupid / stupid cupid: stop picking on me!'' - my house my rules read about cimmerian and his boytoy

''hawaiian shirts'' - clef fucking Breaks. thats all i can say about this without exploding into viscera

''help me my (love for) my daughter was born too still'' (general warning for mentions of child death) - i have personal bias about this (<- #1 agatha rights enjoyer) but this tale is So Good in general and a super interesting look at how agatha perceives herself and her work/life balance

''so leave yourself alone.'' (warning for graphic depictions of vomit and attempted suicide) - REALLY really really good look at clef kind of dropping his cruel persona and iris' mental health struggles regarding the foundation

''yesterday'' (warning for violence and implied/reference suicide. kind of.) - :-( <- this is the only way i can express my emotions about this tale. anyway it's really good and an interesting way of showing clefs relationships with people

''an apple a day...'' - REALLY good look at how dr glass is as a person and how he acts with people + this entire tale fucks SEVERELY

''personal log of dr gears / personal log of █████ 'iceberg' ████'' - good example of how gears and iceberg both format their documents / how they speak + its vaguely gearsberg + this gives a look at how gears and iceberg met. read the gearsberg tale boy

''portraits of your father'' (warning for graphic alcoholism, suicide, survivors guilt, and blood/gore) - super good look at draven and his relationship with his father, and kondraki's alcoholism, and also talloran is there. also three cheers for dravoran

''life's cold'' - most normal day iceberg has at this fuckass foundation + this is a good look at how iceberg acts and thinks

''fond memories'' (warning for death and body horror) - draven proposes! Draven proposes.

''scp-3999'' (warning for bugs, paranoia, death, body horror, sexual assault/rape, unreality, self harm, and depictions of bodily mutilation) - unironically this one fucks me up so bad its so fucking good dude. go read about james talloran RIGHT NOW

''i stared into the face of everything and nothing and made it back alive'' - this one also fucks me up so bad like i dont even have anything to say. read about talloran and draven RIGHT NOW

''you are at the center of everything that happens to you'' - james talloran talks to himself. kind of.

''a suicide note'' (warning for mentions of rape, child murder, survivors guilt, and suicide) - interesting look at clefs thoughts on him and his work

''date night'' - objectum win! dr alto clef is objectoromantic AND objectosexual! <- that should tell you all you need to know about this one

''scp-4231 / montauk house'' (warnings for graphic depictions of sexual assault, rape, child abuse/neglect, murder, domestic violence, verbal/physical abuse and survivor's guilt) - absolutely gut-wrenching look at alto clef/francis wojciechoski and why he's so fucked up. uh genuinely do read the warnings on this one because when i say graphic i am not exaggerating. all of these things are explored in detail and are genuinely triggering so.

''okay, that's enough, let's get you home'' (warnings for some dubious make-out sessions, (mentioned) suicide, implications of rape/sexual assault, and vomit) - shameless moldhouse plug sorry not sorry. HIGHLY recommend reading this and it's other parts in their entirety because it genuinely drives me up the fucking wall it is So good. i will sing moldhouses praises until my throat goes out. read moldhouse Now

''duke 'till dawn'' - bpd king!!!!! anyway i dont have a lot of thoughts on this its just really good. also i didnt know dracula was an actual scp until i read this which is kind of funny to me

''rights' birthday party'' - my house my rules you're going to read about agatha rights whether you like it or not

''sex at a frigid temperature'' - again, my house my rules. read the depressing gearsberg tale, boy.

''7 things that new level 3 researchers should know'' - i dont have any thoughts on this i just think this one has really cool formatting

''home is where i want to be'' - no greater thoughts this is just really neat i think. also kiryu labs is in it and im biased as fuck

''gentle wings flutter quietly in the dark'' - read about zyn kiryu NOW

#[ren] #HHHHOLY FUCKKK. THIS TOOK ME SO LONG. AUUHGGH AUGHGHH AUUUGUHGHGH #please. please for the love of god reblog this im begging you #i did not put in all this goddamn work listing this shit for it to go unnoticed. coughing up blood #uhh. what else do i say. #honorable mentions to glass x diogenes 4ever! ; ship in a bottle ; and major tom which i left out. rest in pussy sweet princes #also if youre gonna ask ''wheres ___?'' the answer is probably either ''i dont like that one and therefore didnt include it'' or ''i have- #-literally never heard of that what the fuck are you talking about'' #scp foundation #<- so i can find this later

[flowence-writing]

johanna finding out reader sh? 🤔 i'm in desperate need of johanna fanfics 😓

two broken people - j.m.

summary: johanna finds out that you aren’t as ok as you seem.

pairings: johanna x fem!reader

warnings: self harm, depression, suicidal ideation, angst, hurt/comfort

author’s note: if anyone is struggling with these issues, please do not hesitate to reach out to me. you are not alone.

You wondered why you were alive, why you survived. Your hands bloodied with the blood of many. You don’t want to keep living. You don’t deserve it. The hopelessness grips onto your bones, settling deep within your soul. Everything is numb, yet you still smile your fake smile, you still laugh that fake laugh. It didn’t matter how many people you were always around, the inexcusable feeling of being lonely weighs down on your chest.

Johanna has noticed something different about you, but you cannot seem to bring yourself to care. You can’t seem to keep up the act.

After training you were exhausted, mentally and physically. You quickly darted out of the training area, speed walking to Johanna and yours room. When arriving at the room you quietly closed the door, going towards your stash of razors you picked out the sharpest one.

[i tried it like before and this time i made a deep cut]

You rolled up your sleeves, not even wincing at the way they stuck to your past wounds. You took a deep inhale, pressing the razor hard against your skin before you exhaled and drove it deep into your flesh watching as the blood oozes out.

[i thought about my friends and the way i didnt give enough]

Distantly, you should’ve known it would’ve been too deep. The blood starts to ooze out in a faster yet still somewhat sluggish pace, you feel dizzy and lightheaded. Vaguely you thought you didn’t really want to die.

[and i shouldve told my mother, “mom, i love you,” like a good son]

You stumbled into your desk, before you could think much about it you cut even deeper on your other wrist. A smile mixed with relief and remorse carved its way onto your features. You hear the door open, but you can’t really focus on anything but going to lay down.

[but this life is overwhelming and im ready for the next one]

“Y/N! Oh god… what did you do?!” Johanna yelps, running to you immediately. You can barely make out the words she’s saying. All you can think about, is how you’ll finally be free.

[take the blade away from me]

“Let me go…” You whisper, your voice sounds weak and slurred.

[i am a freak, i am afraid that]

Johanna shakes her head, “No! You promised… you promised me.” she says, desperately.

[all the blood escaping me won’t end the pain]

Johanna desperately screams for help, you vaguely see Katniss run in, the shock and despair on her face is heartbreaking.

[and i’ll be haunting all the lives that cared for me]

You can’t seem to get your eyes to stay open, you can hear Johanna screaming, crying, and sobbing, yet you can’t bring yourself to stay awake.

You woke with a start, looking around you you see that you’re in medical. You clench your teeth. Looking down you see the bandages on your wrists and … tears start streaming down your cheeks.

“Y/N? it’ll be ok. i’m here,” You sob even harder at your girlfriends words.

“I’m sorry… I’m so sorry.” You sob into her shoulder, gripping onto her shirt like its your lifeline, and it very well could be.

At least, at least you have Johanna. Two broken people trying to love, trying to heal.

#johanna mason x reader #johanna mason #johanna mason x fem!reader #self insert #tw sh related #the hunger games x reader #the hunger games

[dollittie]

I am new to jirai kei, but I just wanted to know some tips and other things I should be educated on in the subculture 🩷 I just don't want to come off as ignorant because Im new 🫶 so do you have any tips or things I should know? ⁠♡

hii!! sorry for taking too long to answer, i wanted to do this post as informative as possible!!

massive tw: harmful behavior, s*x work, mentions of self-h*rm.

i will talk about the differences, the stereotypes and the reason behind them, having the "jirai kei" as a main subject. if you want to know more about the girlykei style you can ask me anything!! like brand recommendations, tips on buying from japan, makeup, girlykei must haves, etc.

please keep in mind that:

• jirai kei (lifestyle) and dark girly kei (style that jirai girls use) are two separated things and you can be jirai without using the style and you can use girlykei without identifying as jirai.

• the western vision of jirai is totally wrong. jirai kei in Japan isn't a style at all; jirai kei is a lifestyle that is seen as "unhealthy".

jirai kei came from “地雷系”. translates to “landmine-type”, not the literal meaning as “landmine”, is a japanese slang for "trigger" "red flag" “地雷を踏んだ”, meaning “i stepped on a landmine”. in reference to a person, a “landmine” is someone that’s so easily triggered over minor things that they keep exploding on others with abusive behavior, so you need to be as careful as if you were walking around a minefield.

this meaning has been around for about a decade, primarily used in dating advice articles about how to recognise “red flags” in a partner.

"but it isn't a style?"

in those dating stereotypes, even the most arbitrary traits were considered red flags and wearing dark alternative fashion is already enough to have someone considered a potential landmine, the style in question is called dark girly kei. (style used by many jirai kei girls)

around 2020, jirai kei didn’t have any associations with any particular fashions or interests, but when a popular japanese makeup vlogger started a “psycho girlfriend” dress-up challenge and called the final look a landmine-type cosplay. she contributed to the stereotype that the landmine-types were often fans of dark girly fashion, every influencer was getting in on the trend, and cosplaying as a landmine-type psycho girlfriend, generally also tagging with “yandere”, then a lot of influencers did the challenge and lots of girlykei brands started to use the "jirai kei" terminology to sell more.

"why would someone call themselves jirai knowing that it means "psycho woman" in other words?? wouldn't it be romanticizing?"

there's a lot of people who call themselves jirai kei knowing about the difference of jirai & girlykei because of their mental conditions, i myself use jirai kei to not feel bad about my mental state and to connect to other people who struggle the same as me, in my opinion even if they stopped calling themselves jirai they wouldn't stop their unhealthy behavior, they're not mentally ill because of jirai, they're jirai because of their mental illness. the spaces for real mentally fucked people in the internet are few, these people that are called "psycho bitches" exist and they shouldn't feel bad about being like this, they are the people who most struggle with all of it and it's their business if they want to call themselves it. telling people to not use the jirai kei term will not stop them to engage on harmful behavior, at the end those people are still mentally ill and have more problems than the terminology they use. might be thinking the "jirai antis" are some sort of saviors or something like that, if you really want to help those people don't blame it in the community and style they've found themselves.

all jirais don't have the same behavior even if all of them have a fucked mental state, some of them might be posting self-harm for validation, some are obsessed with their s/o, some doing sex work for attention, some of us has violent thoughts and bpd, some of us are just neurodivergent, or have depression, etc, is a form of venting/expression, and venting ≠ encouraging someone.

some info:

• the term hadn't changed its meaning, japan doesn't reclaim words.

• the association of girly kei with harmful behavior is maybe related to "toyoko kaiwai" (トー横キッズ) who's around Kabukicho, many of the members have been wearing various dark j-fashion styles before the "psycho girlfriend dress-up challenge" became a trend. they're credited as the reason for why those styles are associated with the landmine stereotype to begin with. they're been connected to under*ge pr*stitution, dr*g ab*se, public self-h*rm, murd*r and theft.

they are around age 9-24, (firstly known as toyoko kids, but like, there's a lot of adults in this) they're often privileged children who were convinced to get away from home by bad influences. and many members have died or been hospitalized as a result. for more info search the Japanese spelling on any japanese news site, or their signature hashtag on social media (#/toho横界隈).

the association of jirai with this gang is their former leader “Howl”, who died by suicide while waiting in custody for a trial, convinced minors to run away from home in order to “work” for him and dress in a way he finds attractive (dark girlykei).

all these minors he "convinced" are victims, you can use the style without agreeing with this behavior and be jirai without agreeing with this, they're all manipulated children and it isn't their fault.

sorry for it being too long, and if you want sources lmk!! thanks for asking <3

#jirai kei #landmine girl #地雷系 #jirai onna #dark girly kei #地雷系コーデ #地雷系女子 #jirai kei blog #jirai kei masterlist

[fugsbunny]

ok so i had a rough therapy session on friday and just finished the sunshine court and since this is tumblr why am i here if not to compare me to my favorite fictional characters so either buckle up or keep scrolling

so on friday i basically cried for half an hour to my therapist about how i my depression has dominated my life for the last 7 years and im sick of it and i that struggle to accept that im not able to work a 40h week or even a 32h week and than cannot even use this extra time to do as many social things as i want to do even though many people strive for this exact kind of lifestyle of work less and have more time

and my therapist said im not able to accept that i didnt get to choose the life im living even tho i can see that its objectively i lifestyle i think is really good and she really got me with that one

so when i was binging tsc over the weekend i realised that Neil, Jean and Kevin also didnt get to choose, their mafia ties already dictated so much of their life but Neil also made the deal with Ichirou and i see myself and my struggles so much in this deal, it was the only thing he could do to ensure not only his/their survival but also a somewhat normal life, it was basically the only real choice he had

and for Neil it was a good choice because it was what he wanted and the life he wants to life so he not only accepted it but embraced it and i guess for Kevin its the same even tho we never get his pov

but in tsc Jean struggles, he does for multiple reasons but he also hasnt accepted that this is his future, his only future that he has to accept and im not saying my difficulties and his with this are the same but i really see myself in this struggle, he never got to choose anything for himself and now has to build his own life in the constraints that he was given and he cannot do it, cannot let go of his old life and what people told him to do with his life and what was expected of him and now he has to accept this new thing

and its also so obviously a way better life than he had before and i think at the end of the book he started to really realise this but it also was forced upon him and he has to somehow reshape his whole self around it and thats fucking hard

i think my point is i really really want to be Neil, i want to be grateful for the chance i was given, that im able to still life a pretty good life despite my depression that i can make the best out of, to really see it as this great chance that it is and all the great things i can do with it

but right now im Jean, i was given something i didnt ask for and cannot see how good this is because all i can see is the past and that was taken from me and how stuck i am in old thought patterns that harm me more that help me but its all i know and i ever was even tho deep down i know how bad and wrong they are

but the good thing is, there are more books coming and Jean will get through this and i will get to experience it with him and one day also make it through

#all for the game #the sunshine court #jean moreau #neil josten #personal #mental health

[graveincarnate]

KLITZ NSFT ALPHABET!

Not requested

Word count: 1312

Warnings: nsfw/nsft, gn reader, afab terms used.

AN: this is very messy im so sorry, i wrote it last night before passing out :P. i’ll post a sfw alphabet and an amab version soon! <3

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

He’s completely clueless, he didn’t anticipate how awkward it would be after. he’d just wrap an arm around you, pulling you toward his chest. He’d rub your back in silence, maybe muttering words of praise into your ear to relieve some tension.

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

It’s no surprise that Klitz is a tits guy. It’s the first thing he asks to touch when you guys are getting intimate. They’re like his own personal stress balls. He isn’t just a fan of feeling you up however, the occasional time he’ll suck on them, leaving little hickey’s and love bites all over them.

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

He prefers to cum inside of you, well, he thinks so anyways. He gets so needy as he’s fucking into you that he struggles to pull out and cum anywhere else. He also just loves the way his cum drips from your pussy when he’s finished.

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

He has a vast collection of erotic smut novels hidden in his underwear drawer. After you found out about it, you always kept an eye out for them when shopping. He gets a little embarrassed when you gift them to him, but he really does appreciate it. All the ones you’ve given him are definitely his favorites.

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

He had no fucking idea what he was doing at first, you were his definitely his first time. It was a little awkward; clumsy thrusts, nervous hands grabbing at anything they can reach, finishing just a little too quickly, the whole package.

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

He loves when you ride him. it’s the perfect position in his opinion, he loves to see your face as he fucks you, but he also love’s seeing your boobs bounce.

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

He relies on being goofy during sex. Cracking jokes makes you both more comfortable. And he has to admit, hearing you chuckle in between moans and whimpers really turns him on.

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

He isn’t clean shaven, but it’s not out of control down there either, he keeps it trimmed and tamed. he’s shaved once before just to try it, but he cut his balls so he never did it again after.

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

Your pleasure is really important to him. He constantly asks if you’re okay and what you need, he likes letting you finish first. He quite literally worships you and the ground you walk on.

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

He jerks off every day, often multiple times. Let’s just say he puts those erotic novels to good use.

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

He loves when you’re dominant with him, more specifically when you control his orgasms. He also loves praise, being called a ‘good boy’ while you edge him? he’ll cum on the spot. He also appreciates the praise when he’s the one fucking you, he’s always worried about his ability to make you feel good, so a confirmation of your pleasure is a great way to keep him going. He’s also interested in trying pegging, but that remains his little secret for now.

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

Pretty simple, but he loves fucking on the couch. You guys like to take movie night just a little bit too far.

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

When you sit in his lap, peppering kisses along his jawline. It drives him crazy, but the thing that really drills it in is when you start to move around on his crotch, he could cum just from the friction.

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

He doesn’t like causing you any harm, anything past spanking or maybe pulling your hair he won’t do. he prefers to keep his touching as loving as possible.

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

He loves eating you out more than anything. Although he loves a good blowjob, nothing tops the taste of you, those sweet moans and whimpers, and the feeling of you squirm underneath his tongue. He could lay there for hours, making you cum over and over again. He’s so insanely good at it too, his nickname is Klitz for a reason. He likes to eat you out at least once every time you guys get intimate.

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

It depends on how you’re feeling, he likes when you pick his pace. He cares more about your pleasure and making you cum, but honestly, he does love a nice in between. Starting off slow and getting faster, just to slow down again midway through. Going back and forth drives him crazy.

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

He loves quickies, but he loves them most when you guys are out. Sneaking away during movie nights with the tripod? Fucking you in the bathroom during lunch? He loves the thrill of it.

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

He loves to experiment, he never really thought much about kinks before he met you, but now it’s all he can think about. He wants to try so many things with you, if you’ll allow it of course.

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

The most he can go is two rounds before needing a break, but after he can go for another two more. Sure his sex drive is high, but he gets tired pretty fast.

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

He owns a vibrating cock ring and a dildo. He says the dildo’s strictly for you, but he likes to use it on himself sometimes.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

He loves to tease you, especially before going down on you. He’ll finger you and rub your clit for what feels like a century before getting to the main event. He loves when you tease him too, he becomes a mess of whines and whimpers as he begs you to give him more.

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

He’s so loud, as much as he tries to keep the noise to a minimum he just can’t do it. He whimpers a lot during foreplay, but when he fucks you he’s moaning nonstop.

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

He loves lingerie, not fancy lingerie by any means, just your regular undergarments. Whenever he undresses you he has to get a good look at which ones you’re wearing, he definitely has his favorites.

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

He’s huge in both length and girth, it definitely wasn’t as exaggeration. He’s about 6-7 inches soft and 8-9 inches hard. As stated earlier he has some hair, but it’s nicely trimmed. He’s uncut and just a little bit thicker than average.

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

His sex drive is higher than average, he’s young, what would you expect. He’s good to go anytime, you could just barely graze his thigh and he’s all over you. It’s very easy to get him riled up.

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

He doesn’t fall asleep that quickly, he likes to make sure you’re okay first. He’ll cuddle up with you and watch a movie or something before heading to bed, he needs time to unwind. 

#klitz x reader #klitz the girl next door #the girl next door #klitz imagine #klitz x you

[ilovehavingablog]

ngl i feel so drained bc i keep working w my therapist on building routines and useful habits and it's literally building my life from the ground up and i say it's hard, it's so hard for me, and i don't think she believes me. i keep trying to explain why i lost my strike on some habit, why do i always fail at some point why i will always be late to some deadline and how horrible it makes me feel - that i don't mean to, it's just really hard for me and motivation is so hard for me and etc and she just doesn't understand that it's adhd. and instead applies the behavioral therapy lense and it feels like being pushed into a tiny cardboard box. Incessant questioning my motives or gently (like i don't fucking notice) guiding me to say what hidden benefits im trying to get from failing my life in X thing... Neither i swear to fucking god NEITHER. saying that what i say about my basically symptoms is my "harmful beliefs about myself"... it makes me wanna rip the hair from my head

and i used to be a big cbt stan but like when i first came into therapy w soc anxiety this stuff was working for me... When i would say i suck at talking to people or whatever it was helpful to hear that i may be basically delusional. Even if I wasn't it was like hey... well what if ur wrong? and i did have my hidden benefit of like trying to get as little unsafe people in my life as possible i guess. Like it's still a little questionable to look at someone that way imo but it worked for me then and i seeked that kinda therapy deliberately bc i felt stuck believing these insecure thoughts abt myself that i knew wasn't true and yet i couldn't stop. believing them and living by them. Ykwim? Remembering this feeling so intensely now... No this is absolutely not what is happening rn. I don't have an "insecurity" abt having poor (REALLY POOR) working memory or any other textbook adhd symptom... im just struggling to do more than just feed and clothe myself... so now i guess i have to pursue actual adhd diagnosis even though i hate that it's so expensive and i don't think it would do anything for me just prove the self dx haters wrong

[setsunatekiblast]

sorry this is like fully just insane babble and a look into truly how fucking weird i am in the head im really considering making a blog JUST for venting but im too lazy to do that rn

so like general rundown for context

i did some really downright shitty things as a teenager as a result of unresolved trauma in basically every corner of my life at the time (obviously this doesnt absolve me from what happened). when i was told about the extent of it i apologised and distanced myself & never talked to anyone involved ever again.

months later when i expressed that a former friend who had (in my opinion, rightfully) stepped in to stop the situation from worsening had caused me harm prior to all this and that it was still impacting me on my private account, it was leaked to her. i was threatened with a callout post and she was acting like i wasnt truly sorry for the things i'd done/trying to change even though i had done my level best to be accountable for my behaviour and do what was asked of me.

because of everything that'd already happened + this i was living in this constant state of severe anxiety. as in, i could hardly eat due to feeling nauseous every moment i was conscious, would randomly start shaking and crying & my physical health was deteriorating at many points. i was like this from about july all the way through to november-early december, i think?

like all of this happened five years ago but ive absolutely refused to let myself move on because i thought i would be dodging accountability for my behaviour but i've kind of just had a mental shift recently (maybe from my kansai trip i think it did something to me). looking back while talking to my friend i internalised everything about that series of incidents so hard that i considered myself a horrible and irredeemable person, so ive been keeping myself at arms length from others because i didnt want it to happen all over again and didnt trust myself to actually change. i thought that if i was pursuing relationships with others, i wasnt being accountable enough and dodging my past behaviour.

idk im just tired of living like this. im tired of all the self-sabotage and the fear and anxiety i have over the most minor of things. i'm tired of jumping up and running at the first signs of closer friendships forming. i had a panic attack over someone calling me a friend for gods sake, that's not normal. its not! the fact i even struggle to call people friends because of all this fear about relationships with others after all that isn't good and i need to change from that lol

even just thinking that i deserve better makes me feel like im swallowing needles and glass though, and it sucks so fucking much LMFAOOOOOOO. i dont even know what to do because i feel so shitty about even trying to pursue support from those closest to me. i feel like i'm asking so, so much of people when i cant give much of anything in return. not to mention that right now even the idea of being misunderstood makes me feel absolutely terrible and like i need to be on the defensive. in general i feel like i offer so little that trying to lean on people is selfish and that i'm just going to end up hurting them like i did that friend who simply just wanted to help me. i don't want to feel this way anymore but it's a cycle and i don't know how to stop feeling so horrid about everything and actually. well. allow myself to feel supported AND be normal in the head about it

like i need to move on not just for my sake but because. really. it's been such a long time and i don't even recognise the person i was in those messages. but i can hear just how much pain my past self was in and that just sucks, man. my friend didn't want me to suffer, but he was rightfully hurt and angered by the way i behaved. the best way to show my remorse has always been to do better by those who come into my life, but i never wholly succeeded in that because 90% of the time i would sabotage my own relationships with others and not get too close out of fear that i was going to ruin it all and just be as shitty as i was before. i thought closing myself off would be doing right by him, and to a degree it was. but it wasn't productive for me because i wasn't doing anything but closing myself off

anyway i handled something pretty good tonight that i know my past self wouldve probably flipped out about so that's probably a good sign i guess. its actually kind of surprising to see that even though my spoons are maybe a 1 at best rn i can still handle things with some grace and tact and Not be terrible. idk. maybe things are gonna be okay, especially since i have so many people in my corner nowadays who want nothing more than to see me overcome everything

#blabber #SORRY. i needed to get this shit off my chest before i sleep #i just wanna be okay again and allow myself to have relationships with others like a normal human being again #anyway i have been listening to a STUPID amount of rina sawayama songs these last three weeks #im about to go sleep for like a year or something god i cant wait to talk to my counsellor in like two weeks #he is going to have a field day with this after he heard about my home life during these years

[pinkcherryblossomangel]

Away from home

Y/N is an actress, filming for her first lead role in the film adaptation of her favourite childhood book, produced by maximum effort.

She bonds with Ryan Reynolds over their share Love of the Korean pop band Stray Kids, and he has a surprise for her.

When she starts missing home and the darkness creeps upon her, her hotel neighbour comes to her rescue.

Trigger warnings- mentions of depression, self harm and anxiety

Stray kids fan fic

Mainly staring 3racha

Includes Hannah Bahng

But the other boys do make appearances it's just easy to keep to minimum of characters lol

Chan x oc

This is my first ever fan fiction so if it's shit soz.

Chapter 1 - I'm late!

I'm almost an hour late. Luckily they can't really be angry at me since it was their driver that was tardy and got stuck in traffic. Added on top of that I'm glad today we're not filming anything. Well, I'm not filming anything.

Today we're rehearsing for the upcoming weeks shoot. A whole week of choreography and sweating. Sounds horrid, but I really can't wait!! The dances we've been learning are so fun, it feels unfair I'm getting paid to be here.

I drop my bag off in my trailer and head to the AD to get a cheeky hint of what's for lunch today. Hopefully it's sushi again! I find her doing what's she's usually up to at this time. Hearding extras to the greenroom (well tent). Whilst we're rehearsing in the schools hall they're shooting in the classrooms and hallways.

" morning!"

"You're late"

" nice to see you too," I reply. "Unfortunately acting is my only talent, I have yet unlocked being able to stop traffic. Or start traffic? I don't know. Anyway, has it been too much of a disruption?"

" no we're running behind schedule anyway." She looks at me suspiciously. "Here to ask for lunch?"

" who do you take me.... yes." I say with a chuckle. We've only known each other for 4 weeks but she feels like an older sister.

"Well I'm not entirely sure today. Ryan and Blake are here today, cause they are showing around some people interested in being involved in the film."

"They're here!?!"

Not only am I staring as the lead character in the film adaptation of my favourite book, its being produced by my favourite Hollywood power couple, Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds. Maximum effort wanted to be behind a film that promotes a positive message towards teens and chose this film. I've only met them a few times face to face during preproduction, but they both seem lovely. Me and Ryan bonded over our love of the kpop group Stray kids, so much so that we added a few posters of the boys in my characters bedroom, as well as their skzoo's. In fact Wolfchan is sat on the bed. And Blake has helped me so much in being in the spotlight as a woman. She's so empowering. She reminds me of my mum. In the way that she checks in on me, to make sure im okay. One of the first things I told them was that I struggle with depression and anxiety, and ever since then everyday she texts me reminding me to look after myself. It's so sweet to have a work mum, whilst my real mums half a planet away.

I grab an apple from the snack table by the green tent, and make my way into the sports hall. I'm greeted by florescent lights and blaring music. You'd think we were at some weird sort of nightclub, but they're just testing the equipment. Also seeing how much we sweat under these lights to plan for make up.

The cheer squad actresses are all dressed in their costumes. They look so good!

"Here she is!" Jenna says as I walk towards everyone.

" sorry guys, Keith was late and then we got stuck in a traffic jam. It's been a hectic morning!" I say throwing my apple core into a nearby bin. I miss. Of course. I walk to pick it up as tash comes running over to me.

"Did you hear!?" She asks, almost vibrating from excitement.

"About...?"

" Ryan and Blake are here!!?"

"Oh yeah! Sara told me! Weird they didn't tell us."

"I was told its cause the people they're bringing around are meant to be a surprise." Interupts jenna.

"Wonder who it is then, if its so cloak and dagger" I reply.

" Maybe Hugh Jackman?!" Tash blurts out.

"Could be, perhaps it's that band you and Ryan like, Y/N? That'd be funny, you having to explain why there's poster of them in tabbys bedroom." She chuckles as she walks away.

It won't be them. They were in Australia on tour last time I checked. They can't fly to LA that quickly Could they?. I shake that excitement out of my body. It won't be them. It can't be. Could it? Jennas right though, it would be embarrassing to meet them and explain how I added in my character tabby being a fan of stray kids because I wouldn't stop talking about them. We almost used thunderous as one of the dances we're rehearsing today, but the director had different ideas.

Olivia walks through the double doored entrance and enters the space with a saunter only she can pull off without seeming arrogant. Unusual for directors.

"Morning everyone" she exclaimes, obviously in a good mood. "Jonathan is gonna be taking lead today with you guys, I just popped in to say hey. So hey" and with that she's back out the door. She's  woman of few words.

"Cheer squad you're going first."

-----------------------------------------

2 hours later and it's our first break. I'm sweating my tits of dancing under these lights.

I walk down the corridor from the hall to a water fountain, and there they are. Ryan, Blake and 3 out of 8 stray kids. 3racha. What the fuck are they doing here?!?! And why the fuck is it the first time they see me I'm red and sweaty, and great I just spilled my drink down my shirt.

#han jisung #seo changbin #bang chan #christopher bang #stray kids #chan x reader #bang chris #stray kids fanfic #fanfic #kpopidol #kpop fanfic #bang chan fanfic

[turtletoria]

hi im gonna talk about the spooky 2 brains drawing now so bear with me

to start, i spent a lot of time on this and lost my mind over it for months so i get to talk about it ok??!?!?! and also on that note do not expect anything super well thought out or meaningful because im also a stupid poo poo head without a single thought between my eyes. i put a lot of care and meaning into this and also it is meaningless, i contain multitudes, etc.

read on if youre curious about all the design choices!

OK, first up we have this thing! The mirror border :-) It is laden with poppies and forget-me-nots (my favorite flower btw). There is also a sleeping mouse in the center. For this, poppies represent sleep, peace, and death. Forget-me-nots also have a similar meaning of remembrance. In that sense, it’s sort of like if boxleitner is “dead” or gone in a sense, but he is still trying to come out; he is not going to be forgotten by the narrative so easily. The mouse was also supposed to be ambiguous - is it dead or just asleep? Schrodinger’s mouse: is dr two brains both of these personalities mixed together, or is he his own character? Is he both at the same time? Is he neither? 

This red vintage phone is like a staple in analog horror honestly, so there was no way i could leave it out sorry *pensive* (also Spamton’s dialtone motif comes to mind). But on a more Lore Focused note, i also was thinking that boxleitner for sure had a phone to keep in touch with wordgirl with (sort of like the phone the mayor of townsville has to call the powerpuff girls). In that sense, its like wordgirl is still trying to call him, but as 2brains has said before, “Dr. Boxleitner can’t come to the phone right now.”

Ah yes, the helmet that started everything. I imagined that it would be horribly banged up over the years, with 2 brains trying to fix it, but either the mouse brain or human brain just sort of wrecking it out of the need to stay together or out of frustration, respectively, but then 2 brains picking it up to fix it again. i wanted it to look really scratched and burned and rusted, but im not quite sure that came across correctly ;-_- (The mouse helmet is completely destroyed from the Accident.)

Some glassware with residue. I would imagine that boxleitner was trying to cure himself the good old jekyll and hyde way to no avail.

This one is a bit more morbid, so tw for blood and self-harm!! (also the thumb is so fucked up anatomically how did i not notice and fix it sooner. oh my god.) Anyway, I wanted the scalpel to look really rusted; this was another way that boxleitner was trying to get rid of the mouse brain himself. However, squeaky wouldn’t let this happen, and I would imagine that a surgery to your own person would not go well, and so he could never follow through. There’s also fur all over the table, as he is probably so disgusted with being so... mouse and man.

The reflection was supposed to depict separated boxleitner and squeaky, to sort of demonstrate that theyre still distinct entities to a certain degree. from “dr wordgirl brains” we know that becky was fighting squeaky to avoid doing more harm; we also know from the pilot that boxleitner did the same. They both failed, ultimately. But from this struggle, i can definitely see some deep-seated resentment forming. What starts as outright conflict and a need to actively fight back against the mouse brain sort of backs down into the corner, becoming a quiet, simmering rage. While 2 brains is nice and controlled when the human brain is the primary force, i attribute that to boxleitner’s good nature, and also for him being able to repress that anger to a small, dark corner in the human brain. But there are definitely going to be moments where that rage comes out and this boxleitner definitely haunts 2 brains; he shall not be forgotten!

Also, I wanted the hairline cracks to look a little like whiskers... because, ultimately, 2 brains is not a completely separated entity from boxleitner the human.

Again, who is calling? Wordgirl? I intended it to be her, but I could also see it as boxleitner’s consciousness trying to break through but 2 brains isn’t picking up (but the ringing is incessant).

Ok that’s all folks! And also I want to put a little disclaimer that I think this is all just extremely contrived conjecture, and that a lot of this is me making things up and pulling at straws.

#turtlearts

[rouge-variant]

hello how would Levi help reader who is going through a depressive episode. I think im in one, i really cant see the light at the end of the tunnel and every day i just feel worse and worse mentally. If you dont want to do this ask, i understand. Thank you

Oh no!! Not good! Hopefully this will help keep you going. Listen up everyone, even if you didn't request this but, I am always going to be here to talk to! I know its weird opening up to a stranger about topics like mental health and the likes but I've been in a very dark place before too. I have not been in the same position as you since things are always changing and there will be things that I can't understand like you do but I can sympathize with you. Feel free to DM me and we can chat, or I can write things to help. And I will respond to you ASAP! ...As long as I'm not sleeping or without wifi 😗. So now then, thank you for your request, I wish you well on your journey through your struggle and I know you have the strength to over come any challenge, and I hope you enjoy!!

Levi Comforting his S/O through a Depression Episode, Headcanons:

Trigger Warning: Talks of mental health struggles but I don't go into detail. There are mentions of trouble eating, lack of energy and I do mention self-harming but the description is as basic as possible. Please keep this in mind while you read.

Levi has been in a dark place himself so he knows the signs if when you are struggling. Whether you have been through this or not, he's going to help you through this every single time.

Due to his cleaning habits, he isn't the type of person to let you hide away in your room while your fighting this. This man will shower with you, if you don't have the energy to do very much. He'll join you and gently wash your hair and body. But he does it in a timely manner so that you can spend more energy on focusing on something to distract your mind. If you do have enough energy, he will run a bath for you. Using your favourite salts or bubble bath scents or bath bombs. Chances are if your using bubbles baths or bath bombs, he won't join you because they make him uncomfortable. But that doesn't mean he won't scrub you up from outside of the tub. Afterwards, he'll read to you, talk to you about anything or even just sit in silence with you and hold your hands adding forehead kisses occasionally.

Food is also important. Depending on if you tend to eat more than normal, he's ok with it. He will make sure that you're not just eating junk foods all the time because it can make you feel worse. He would do some research and find foods that not only taste good but also help keep your body full of energy. This doesn't mean that he won't occasionally cook or buy some of your comfort foods. If you under eat, this is when he'll start worrying more because he knows that your body won't be able to keep up and you could end up getting physically sick as well. Levi would encourage you to try and eat more but not force you to eat until you feel sick. Just try your best, that's all he wants.

Work. School. If either are impacting your mental state, he will tell you to take a break. Struggling with your mental health is no different from struggling with your physical health. He will make sure to remind you of that because there are people out there who will force you into thinking otherwise. Listen to Levi, he knows his crap.

Levi will not force you to talk. He knows that sometimes it makes you feel worse when people are pushing you to spill things that you don't want to talk about. He will only ever do that if he thinks that you have become threat to yourself. In that case, he is holding you tightly with his arms trapping you into his loving embrace, fearing that if he let's you go then you might never return to him. He will never think less of you for asking to talk or asking for help. He will praise you. This is a big step forward in healing and Levi would be so proud of you.

Levi will be there for every moment in your healing journey. He loves you more than anything. He knows that life is a precious thing and if you ever think differently he will point out every reason why your wrong. If you wanted to leave, who would cuddle up to him in the night and steal his body heat? Who will bug him about constantly cleaning the house? Who will help Connie and Sasha with their pranks? Exactly. If you ever think of using yourself as a way to cope with the pain, then he will insist you do it to him instead. He's already covered in physical and emotional scars and he doesn't want you to be either. Levi will never let you go through this alone.

When you finally pull through, Levi will be standing there with you beaming with pride. The world tried to destroy you but you fought back and showed not just him, your friends, and your family how resilient you are. You also showed and proved to yourself what a fighter you are. And that's something that he will always help you to remember and remind you about if you ever need it. You make Levi so proud every day and wants to remind you how much he loves you and how proud he is of you.

#aot x reader #levi ackerman x y/n #levi x you #levi ackerman #aot x y/n #levi ackerman fluff #levi x reader #levi ackerman headcanons #Levi Ackerman comfort

[calehenituse-brainrot]

I know you probably have a lot of requests so please ignore this if you don't want to do it! Reminder to stay hydrated, eat, sleep well and take care of yourself.

But in one of your fics you made an allusion to the reader having self harm scars and just alluded to it to the one you posted today.

Soooooooooo ✨ could you write a reaction from Cale to readers self harm scars.

Cuz he apparently 'filed it away' in the fic where paseton appears

lol, couldnt turn away from this ask.

i dont think cale is the type to bring it up the moment he sees them — he's more of a "let's look for the perfect time to talk about it" kind of person. that's just my opinion.

because of that, im making this as transported!reader. hope you don't mind :/ i'll be writing about the conversation after it.

ngl, thinking about this was kind of hard (as in, brainstorming) because i couldn't exactly think of the healthiest way to bring up sh scars since i didn't really have the best experience with people finding out about mine .

i tried my best with this one and hopefully, i did well. extremely self-indulgent.

WARNING : SELF HARM SCARS AND DEPRESSION, PANIC ATTACK. this is very triggering so please proceed with caution. please say something if you think i should add another warning. btw this is LONG because i got carried away, something i do a lot apparently

Cale wasn't an emotionless bastard.

He might be a bit dense to others, but he had always shown that he was someone with a compassionate heart and had plenty of love for his family and friends.

With the bleak years of childhood from his previous world, Cale understands those who suffer the most and wishes for them to never go through what he did when he was a child.

This did not mean that he will help out everyone who suffers. He knows the boundaries of others and tries his best to respect them. After all, being in pain and unable to do anything was something people considered their vulnerable side. Something they wish to hide from the world and others.

You were no exception, no matter which world you came from.

As said before, Cale had always been dense -- no, maybe he just choose to not mind several things in front of him.

The fact that you had always chosen to wear things that modestly cover up most of your skin was not something he pays attention to. He does, however, pay attention to the fact that you always try your best to dress in the most stylish way possible -- be it a coat, a vest, or maybe even some accessories to your hair.

You avoid doing things that get your shirt dirty, but when things come down and you should roll up your sleeves, you never did. Cale always thought that maybe it's because you don't really mind getting messy when working.

Then he saw what seems to be the reason why.

When you had injured yourself back in the villa where they had stayed in the Ubarr territory, Cale had seen them.

At your thighs and coming up your shoulders were multiple pale bumpy lines.

Cale was familiar with self-harm. He had a pretty rough childhood and had perhaps even considered doing so back when he was in the orphanage. But he couldn't.

He couldn't lift the razor to his skin and drag it across because as much as he was used to getting beat up, he did not like pain. He hated it. But he was familiar with it because he had seen his loved ones does it -- be it his little siblings from the orphanages or his friends from school when they have a terrible home and school life.

Life was hectic and he never truly had the chance to sit down with you and talk about whether you were struggling or not -- it wasn't going to be a pleasant conversation, Cale knew that, which is why he's always been keeping out for the perfect time for the both of you to talk.

He also knew he wasn't supposed to point out scars and he shouldn't be asking about things he wasn't even sure people are comfortable talking about. But some of your scars looked less than a month old, which was worrying.

Back when he was Kim Rok Soo, he received a lot of scars by going on hunting and slaying monsters. He remembers the feeling of each wound and how long they would heal. He can differentiate which scar was older and which was new.

He leaned back in his chair and close his eyes, but the memory of those lines across your skin comes into his head again. He felt like his guts were being twisted as he remembers and he frowned, his eyes stayed close as he remembered it all.

"You look like you have a lot in your mind."

Cale opens his eyes, seeing you walk past by with a grin on your face. "I knocked a few times but you didn't respond."

'I must've been too immersed in using Record,' Cale thought.

For the first time, he pays attention to your clothes. You tend to wear trousers and waistcoats whenever you're working, sometimes there are days when you wear simple dresses that was adorned with accessories.

Today, you wear a long-sleeved white button-up with a grey waistcoat. Your trousers were dark and looked clean. You looked modest and fit right into the world's period (x). 'Her arms are covered as usual.'

"Is there something wrong?" Cale asked, wanting to know why you had come into his room.

"Can't I spend my time with you?" You asked with a teasing grin that has Cale raising an eyebrow. "A workaholic like you spending time?"

"Give me a break." You groaned, plopping yourself on the couch across him and stretching your arms above your head, letting out a groan to slip out of your lips when you feel your muscles begin to lessen the tension they had from working all day. "Working feels great."

You tapped your temple as you continue, "It chases away all the other noises in here."

Cale went quiet. He never really considered that for you. Ever since you had come to this world, you had always been eager to help despite never properly having the time to sit down and process everything.

"You shouldn't be running away from your problems," Cale voiced out his thoughts. You raised an eyebrow, amused. "Are you giving me life advice? I'm not an actual 18-year-old, you old man. Did you forget?"

"I'm not that old," Cale said and you laughed. "To me, you are."

"And I'm not running away from anything," you continued, glancing to the side to avoid his gaze. "I'll deal with them one day once I'm capable to do so. For now, instead of overthinking about it, it's better to work and think about other things."

"But don't they come back after hours?"

You and Cale stared at each other as silence fell upon the room. What exactly are you supposed to say to that? Of course, they come back after your work. It's scary to sit and do nothing because the moment you're alone, these thoughts began to emerge and bother you.

They're not necessarily bad things, but they make you think. They make you question things. They make you anxious.

There is anxiety hovering over the thought that you might ruin this world's flow -- ruining the plot or whatnot -- and being the one to carry that burden sets you off the edge. They make you fear that even a small decision that you make could change everything -- that a small flap of the butterfly's wing could make even a tornado happen.

Sometimes they make you question why you're here in this world, sometimes they make you jittery over the thought of whether or not you can return, sometimes you wondered if you want to return.

You didn't have things that makes you want to keep on living, but you had worked hard. You went to school for years, endured horrible things as a child, and even when you were an adult, and even though your days in your previous world were not the happiest -- living in a small apartment and living paycheck to paycheck -- you worked hard to reach that point in life.

You worked hard to live.

Because if Cale's sole reason for living was because he could not die, yours was because you worked hard for it and want to see the fruits of your labor.

More than anything, you wished that the decision you made as a child to endure the pain for the sake of coming out better and victorious could come true. You wished to see it happen but before you could, you were sent here, your body morphing back into the age where you believed you suffered the most.

"Of course, they come back," you told him honestly. "But the night comes and goes and so will those thoughts."

"Do you not mind living in that cycle?" Cale questions. He finds it horrible -- he would rather deal with the problem at hand instead of letting it stay and became a habit.

"It is what I'm used to," you told him with a small nervous smile. Even you do not believe your own words. "I've become strong."

Cale stares at the smile on your face. He usually likes it when he can see you smile because your smile means everything is safe and going as planned, it means you were having fun, but the one on your face right now makes him uncomfortable. It didn't feel genuine and that does not suit you who had always been sincere and so honest.

Cale doesn't like to see this smile on you.

"Strong?" He repeats, voice low. "Have you become strong or have you gone numb?"

Cale stares at your wide eyes, knowing he might have hit a nerve or maybe you just realized it yourself. Either way, you stilled in your seat while Cale waited for you to answer him.

"[Name]." For the first time since you walked into this room, he called for your name.

You looked at him, still having no words to say and Cale concluded that you refused to talk any further about this. But if not now, then when? He couldn't let you go on knowing you were struggling in silence. He refused to let you be like that.

He was a bit anxious. What if he let you be like that and just like how you let those thoughts come and go, he will treat your struggle as something that he thought about in passing yet never addresses them? Even he is not immune to mistakes like that.

"[Name]," he called for you again. "I've seen them."

You stared at him, a bit confused about what he was talking about. Cale stared at your arms, covered with the long sleeves of your shirt, and as usual, you caught up quickly. You've always been observant when it comes to him, one of the reasons why Cale entrusted you with the power to make decisions for him.

You immediately rubbed on your left arm, self-conscious.

"The scars," Cale said. "I saw them back at the Ubarr territory."

"I didn't think you'd brought this up." You sounded frustrated and a bit irked.

"Do you think of me as someone heartless?" He questions and you shake your head, frowning. "No, no, never. I just... thought that maybe you'll be considerate enough to ignore it. Mind your business or something, I don't know. I didn't think you'd brought it up."

"I can't do that," he said, clenching his firsts that were placed on his thighs. "Some of them looked new."

"I was vicious," you told him, shrugging your shoulders with an anxious smile. You were uncomfortable like you wanted to just brush this away as something light and have the conversation ends quickly. You wanted to escape this conversation.

Cale watched your body language, looking at how you were actively avoiding his gaze and rubbing your arms, either as a way to calm yourself or because you were self-conscious.

"[Name]," he spoke again, this time softly. "If you are uncomfortable with this, we can stop. I don't want to push you to speak of things you aren't ready for yet."

You stilled a bit, feeling the bumpy lines of skin underneath your sleeves as you listen to Cale speak. In your previous world, you weren't exactly given the chance to feel comfortable talking about this issue but then again, self-harm had never been a comfortable topic to talk about.

At least for you.

No, you were forced to sit down and talk about it. Your father had told you how he was so disappointed in you for being so weak in faith when he found out. Your mother had told you that you were inconsiderate, that you didn't think of her when you had slashed your skin.

"How do you think I feel knowing you hurt yourself like this?"

She was ashamed of you, ashamed because you were weak and because self-harm is something only mentally ill people do.

"You're not ill," she had said to you. "You're just stressed and you probably do this because you saw it on the internet."

Your classmates who had seen it announces loudly that you had them, some offering advice on how to keep your depression away like "go and hang out, listen to music" which did nothing.

Some obnoxiously joked around when they had seen it, questioning if you were into narcotics and reporting it to the teachers. A friend you thought was close to you had seen the cuts when it was fresh and the first thing they did was slapped it as hard as they could as a way to discipline you, calling you names like "idiot" over and over again, questioning why you did it but covering their ears when you try to explain.

The looks the counseling teacher sent you when they received the report from others. The way they'll tiptoe around you but then talk of the issue so lightly.

You stared at Cale, seeing that he was patiently waiting for you. You want to talk to him. The fact that he was so considerate with you made you want to open your heart to him, but isn't that the bare minimum? Will this be something you will come to regret?

Will this be one of those times where you gave in because they gave you the bare minimum?

"Can I trust you?"

Cale went quiet for a bit, not because he hesitated to answer you, but because he thought that what the two of you had was already something deep. Do you not think of him the same way he thinks of you?

"Of course," he answered you. "I'll earn your trust if you still think less of me."

You let out a sigh and Cale noticed how your breath was slightly shaking. He stood up slowly and instead of looking at his face, you stared at his torso as he moved closer to you.

"Can I sit here?" He gestured to the spot next to you, now able to see that you were shaking. The worst-case scenario was you'll be having a panic attack or something of the like.

"Mhm." You nod your head.

Cale sat down next to you, watching as you rub your face multiple times, running a hand throughout your [h/c] hair. Your hands were shaking and he can see that you were starting to sweat. Your hand went to touch the couch below you, feeling the texture of the couch cover while murmuring something.

"[Name]," he called for you, hand slowly going to your shoulder and gently pulling you so you would face him. His other hand reaches for your hand, gently gripping them as his thumb brushes the back of your hand slowly.

"Breathe," he told you, remembering how he had told you to do the same when he first met you. You weren't shaking as badly as then and Cale was relieved.

"Hey," he murmured and you turn to him, eyes shaking and glossy.

"This is like the first time we met," he pointed out, squeezing your hand. "Do you remember what you said?"

You closed your eyes for a moment, shaking your head to process what Cale said. Your head was slowly getting rowdy and you still try your best to understand what Cale had said. 'When we first met. What I said to him.'

Cale heard you let out a chuckle albeit still sounding shakey. "I-I said you're a cosplayer. A-and uhm--"

"You complimented me for cosplaying Cale accurately," Cale added. "Do you remember that?"

You let out a weak laugh. "Y-yeah, I think I did. I thought my friend made an elaborate prank for me."

"Yeah, you were pretty shaken up after that," Cale hummed. "I had to hold you and calm you down. A bit like this."

You gulped, swallowing the bile that had risen to your throat. You forced yourself to smile a bit, realizing that it may have been stupid of you to ask whether or not you could trust Cale or not. Hasn't he seen you in your weakest moments? He's seen you be so vulnerable so many times and to think you question him whether you cant trust him or not felt wrong.

"It was embarrassing," you told him with a smile. "I was so... panicked."

"It's normal," he told you.

You stared at his reddish-brown eyes for a moment, your brain finally able to work properly after being so overwhelmed. You remember back how he had been so calm after possessing the body of another person in another world and managed to let out a giggle. "Yeah. It's normal."

Cale gave your hand one last squeeze before he lets go of it and your shoulder. He sat facing you, watching as you rub your face again.

"Are you okay with talking about it?" He asked and when you nod, he feels a bit of the tension he had been feeling from earlier leave his body.

"I mean, it's better to talk about this now instead of later," you murmured. "And I'm okay, I guess. You won't say anything funny about it, won't you?"

Cale raised an eyebrow but still shook his head. "I wouldn't."

You began to roll up your sleeves, fingertips still a bit trembling and you work slowly. Cale waited, staring at your face instead of your arms. "You don't have to show them if you're not comfortable."

"You've already seen them when I was only with a bathrobe," you mumbled. "There's no point in hiding them any longer."

"Is that why you always wear long sleeves?" Cale asked, planning on making this whole conversation easy for you the best he could.

"A bit," you answered honestly, smiling. "I don't have any issue with showing them since back in my previous world, you're not supposed to point them out but this world is a bit different so I took precautions."

"I expected you to do the same — to not point it out — because our previous worlds aren't so different," you continued and Cale nodded. "I'm sorry, but I couldn't leave you be after seeing them."

You smiled listening to his response. You should've known that he would initiate this conversation sooner or later when he had seen your scars.

"Are you still hurting yourself?" He asked, no judgment nor disgust laced in his voice. There was no tone that indicates that he was interested to know more like he was asking for some gossip.

Instead, there was a hint of warmth and concern when he spoke. His face was nonchalant when he asked but his reddish-brown eyes seemed so welcoming and warm, a slight frown of concern on his thin eyebrows.

Cale watched as you stared back at him as if you were looking for something in his expression but then you had a soft smile on your face, shaking your head. "No. No, I—I stopped."

"I started cutting when I was seventeen and stopped after I graduated high school," you continued. "It's how I found out this body was eighteen."

Cale remembers how you had immediately figured out that despite being 24 years old, you had claimed that you turned back into your 18-year-old body when you appeared in this world. When he had questioned how can you tell the difference, you only told him to trust your words.

"I see," Cale murmured, his heart relieved but at the same time felt like he was getting it squeezed so tightly he almost had to start breathing manually.

He was relieved that you stopped. The smile on your face when you said you stopped made him feel soft and warm because he was glad you managed to stop hurting yourself, but there was also some sort of disbelief at how unfortunate you had been to struggle for years with self-harm. His throat felt tight and he wanted to say something to you, about how he was sorry, how he wished he could have helped at the time, but they all sounded so superficial because not any words can describe how much sorrow he feels for you.

"Did anyone help you at the time?" Cale asked. He wanted to know whether or not you had been struggling alone - God, he hoped so very much that you had people to support you throughout those years.

"I wasn't very open about it," you told him with a shrug. "It wasn't a very a comfortable topic to talk about and I try not to impose on others."

Cale exhaled. "[Name], seeking help--"

"I know, I know," you cut him off, rubbing your temples. "I know, but it's so hard to let go of that mindset. My mom never liked it when I talk about these types of things and always accuses me of blaming her for everything. Says I could have handled it all myself because it always seems easy."

"Your mother's a bitch, then," Cale immediately replied. "Talk to me if things start bothering you. I want to help you. Or you can talk to someone else if you think I won't understand -- do what makes you feel most comfortable. No one would turn away from you."

"That's what everyone says," you murmured. "They always say they're always gonna be here to help, but no one is there. No one is willing to listen because it's uncomfortable and when they do listen, things they say make me feel so much more horrible - that my struggles aren't as hard as someone else's, that I should forgive my parents, that I have to go out and get some sunlight."

"[Name]," Cale called for you sternly, his hand moving to yours and gripping them. "Listen to me. Those people aren't here anymore and you're surrounded by people who will never downplay your struggles."

You were a stubborn person. No matter what Cale would say, he knows that you'll always reply back to shut down his words and while it was frustrating for Cale, he also understood that you spoke from experience and his chest ached knowing that you never seemed to be able to find a way to seek help, that no matter how desperate you had tried to help yourself, it seemed things never had gone into your favor. They caused you to stay quiet, to suffer in silence, and forced some sick mindset into your head that the only person who will be capable of helping you is yourself.

But how can you aid yourself when you're the one that's hurt? How can you comfort yourself when it is your own intrusive thoughts that haunt your nights? How can you stop the hurt when it is your own intrusive thoughts that push you to keep on hurting yourself?

"[Name]," Cale calls for you again, his voice had turned softer than before. "I need you to know that while I very much respect your wishes to be reserved about this problem, I need you to know that if it's too hard to handle by yourself, I'm here to help you and I'm sure everyone else is willing to help as well if you opened up to them."

"I genuinely want to help you," Cale pressed. "You told me you wanted to help me achieve my slacker life and I don't think I can slack off if I know you're struggling."

Your finger twitched underneath Cale's hand. "Then is this you paying me back for helping you?"

"No," Cale answered you. "No. Never. This is me wanting to help you because you're someone I care about."

"Careful," you murmured, leaning back to the couch. "You might make me fall in love with you."

Cale lets out an exasperated sigh. "[Name], please."

Silence engulfed the room, uncomfortable and unusually loud. The silence was loud with how the two of you can hear each other's breath, the warmth radiating from each other's bodies, the faint sounds of working servants outside of his door, and the sound of the rattling balcony door whenever a wind passes by.

You were staring ahead, eyes burning hot as you began to process what was happening right now.

Someone was actually trying to help you. You believed that Cale was the most genuine person you have ever met and you know that he wouldn't say things only to make you feel better - he'll always help you to be better and be there with you to solve your problems.

When was the last time someone offered you help?

People asked about your self-harm scars, whether or not you're seeking help, what and who caused this habit, to send pictures of your fresh cuts, to run their fingertips across the bumpy lines just to simply feel and know. They have never asked to help you. They asked because they wanted to know more about what could shake you to your core and then leave you be.

You've had a few lovers who'd kissed your scars and told you that you were beautiful, saying that you should just think of them as "battle scars", begging you to no longer cut yourself for them.

But you never once asked whether or not you were beautiful. You were sick -- you didn't need any reassurance about whether or not you were beautiful, you needed help. Battle scars? It isn't someone else who had taken a razor and cut your wrist so many times as you sit on your bathroom floor until you were lightheaded from blood loss. It is your own doing. You survived what you did to yourself and people utter such horrible words when they know of this.

"Why didn't you just finish the job if you wanted to die so much?"

Because death isn't what you wanted. You just needed to feel something and cutting yourself was the only thing you could think of.

"Please, stop doing this. For me."

Then they leave you at your lowest, becoming one of the reasons why another line is on your wrist. They begged for you to make them be the reason why you'll stop - why? Was it to make them feel more special? To prove that you love them enough to stop? 

People are so sickening.

This feeling is so sickening.

"[Name]."

Cale calls for you, taking out a handkerchief from his pocket. Tears are running down your bloodshot eyes, dripping down to your cheeks and chin. He reached for your face, gently wiping away the tears.

With a choked breath, you spoke, "I'm sorry."

Cale shakes his head, slowly turning your head to face him. "No, you don't have to apologize."

You stared at Cale. Those russet eyes show no hint that he was curious, that he was disappointed, that he was uncomfortable with you. Instead, you can only see genuine concern as he dabs away your tears.

"People ask," you began and you watched as Cale's eyes that were focusing on your tears averted to your eyes. "People ask. But just because they want to know."

"You promise you'll always be there for me? You're not asking just because you're curious, right? You actually want to help me out. You promise?" You asked in a brittle voice, hand running up to touch Cale's that was on your cheek as tears run down your cheek even more. You sound so desperate and so weak -  you were talking to him as if you no longer have anyone to rely on and could only follow him based on your blind trust in him. "That you'll help me? You won't judge me if I ever relapse in the future?"

Cale's breath hitched at the thought of you going back to that horrible habit. "I'll make sure you won't ever consider it ever again," Cale said, his voice breathy, letting you grip at the handkerchief before lowering his hand. "Even if you relapsed, I would never judge you. Your struggles don't define you and will never do."

Cale thought that if you ever relapsed, he'll probably curse himself for being so neglectful to your wellbeing. His wish to be a slacker life includes your happiness, too.

"I'm always going to be here to help," he stated to you. "So, please, lean on me."

You wiped away your tears with Cale's white handkerchief before leaning to him, wrapping your arms around his neck. Albeit still a bit shocked, Cale lets you rest your full weight on him, your face tucked to his shoulder. He can feel his clothes starting to get wet and your labored breaths. He lifted his hand, rubbing your back gently.

"I'm here, [Name]," he murmured, lips nearly pressed to your shoulder. "I'm always going to be here."

You nod in his embrace, still sniffling. "Thank you. Thank you so much."

Cale returned your hug, looking up at the ceiling, wishing that nothing can ever push you to cut yourself again. He reminded himself to always pay attention to your feelings the best he could and help you heal.

"I'm here."

#cale henituse x reader #trash of the counts family #i def cried writing this #totcf #cale henituse #tcf cale #lout of the count’s family #x reader #answered ask #ask me stuff #lout of count's family #lcf cale

[chappedlipjournal]

The urges have not gone away. And they started before i began watching elementary. But ive realized over the last few days that show has been uhhh triggering at times. Its morbidly fascinating to me why. I am not a drug addict. I have never done drugs of any kind let alone somthing like heroin. And yet, I find sherlocks struggle with sobriety imitating my own struggles to stay clean with startling similarity. I have not done a lot of research into the "addiction" of self harm. But honestly, its how i have thought of my own relationship with it for quite some time. The initial burst of pleasure. The itch that cant be scratched. Giving in. Repeating and repeating. Building up a tolerance to the pleasure spikes. The guilt and shame and want. I know that I tread on delicate territory when I make this comparison. And i don't use it lightly. I have often thought that if I were do some drugs or some other addictive behavior repeatedly, i would without a doubt form an addiction. I dont have the same call to alcohol or drugs the way I do to the fucking exacto knife i have in my drawer for crafts. I was warned that meth will rot your teeth etc. I was not warned thar a razor blade could just as easily ruin my life. I wonder what i would be like if that had been talked about. Would have i still picked it up? I dont know.

Sherlock ends s2 with heroin in his home. Stored away in a tiny little cut out in a book no one but him would ever think to look in. I kept razor blades, needles, bandages long after i had stopped cutting. He kept it as a test is what he said. But i also think he kept it for security. It was right there within arms reach. If he ever needed it. I have felt the same about the blades in my life when i was feeling desperate. Kitchen knives. Disposable razors. And push come to shove. I am an adult. I have my own money. I can buy a pack of blades at the store. Although that would feel like admitting defeat.

I dont know why im writing this all out. It doesnt change anything. Ive just been struggling a lot lately and i think some is self inflicted and some is not. I dont want to stop watching elementary though. Overall i enjoy the show a lot. I dont want to get rid of my exacto knife either because I bought it after losing my first one and i do want to do crafts with it.

Ive also been writing a fic that heavily centers on self harm. Sometimes i find it cathartic. Or at least a way to fake the high. Its usually not triggering. But this time, it is. I pick it up in fits and starts. Trying to nail down the words for the exact feelings.

I think all of this is also compounded by the fact im really struggling with the idea i may be autistic. I hate the ambiguity. I hate not knowing. And i look at the autistic experiences i see around me and cannot relate. And i think how i cam i keep a job for the next 40+ years? It makes me want to die. And i wonder is that normal? Is that how everyone feels? Is it because im autistic. Idk. Idk!!!! But i have a job in my field that pays relatively well. I am not asked to do more than i can. Its a cushy office job where i am able to handle things and do things and do it well. I dont think i would ever qualify for disability. And yet the thought of staying here for 5 years until my retirement is solidified nearly makes me nauseous.

And im also really struggling with my sexuality and romantic orientations again. That guy just really fucked up my head. Unbeknownst to him. I need to go to bed. Its too fucking late to be having an identity crisis. Dear lord.

#p #tw self harm

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tw: talk of sexual stuff, pedophilia, grooming

this is a vent? mostly? ive never told anyone this stuff and i dont really have anywhere to, so any clarification/support/resources are appreciated!

ive recently come to the realization that my sexual habits are... far more unhealthy than i realized in the moment, where i seek out attention from largely older men online using any variety of throwaway accounts (and immediately feeling guilty and gross afterwards and deleting them). but ive struggled with feeling like i deserve any support for this because even though ive interacted with multiple pedophiles, because i seek it out myself and dont say no. like hell, i can just turn off the laptop. that easy. but i dont, and i keep doing it, and i dont even have a good traumatic justification for seeking out this kind of stuff.

literally the only thing i can think of is when some guy who i was close with online for several months when i was 13ish turned out to be a groomer. he was really really sweet and spent a ton of money on me, but whenever he brought up anything sexual i would avoid the conversation or shut it down. and the thing is, in the moment i recognized all of this as signs of grooming! i could shut it down immediately if i wanted to! but i didnt because i liked the attention and pulling all nighters together and i dunno if im just depraved or whatever, especially with me literally seeking out this kind of stuff now.

either way, he deleted all of his accounts after being caught lol. i keep struggling with thinking that maybe if i played along with him more, if i talked to him more, i dont know, that he wouldve stuck around just for me or something. even though i knew exactly what his intentions were, i miss him so much sometimes it makes me sick. but he didnt ever do anything to me, really. like he made a few weird comments. that was about it. so it doesnt feel "justified" in being grooming in my mind i guess, considering it was cut off in the middle.

im a freaking lesbian too. what am i doing? is my comphet this bad?? do i feel this badly to be validated by men or what?

any answers would be really really appreciated. thanks for all you do, and take care of yourselves too! running this kind of thing is tough, and i hope you guys are also provided the care you give for others :) sorry if that was weird i just wanted to say it

- anon (they/them)

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry about what you've been through. Please know that you never deserve to be abused. There are many reasons why someone may seek out attention from older men online.

It's understandable to seek the attention, affection, and validation of someone, and it can be unfortunately easy for predators to pick up on these desires and use it to their advantage. It can be especially complicated to know what to do when someone you trust and who shows you care ends up being predatory. It's hard to reconcile those two things, and especially if you've developed a relationship with them, cutting them off isn't always an easy answer.

If we've had previous trauma, the likeliness of retraumatization increases. Not only does this mean that we as survivors become more likely to find ourselves in more abusive or otherwise traumatizing situations, but it can also mean that we seek these things out as well. Some people may reenact their trauma to try and regain control of the situation, or to self harm, or because it feels more predictable and therefore safe, but there are plenty of other potential reasons as well.

It may be worthwhile to do some self reflection and really think about where the urge to talk to these older men is coming from, and where that desire for their attention or affection is coming from as well, especially considering that you say you don't have a "good traumatic justification" (does this mean you don't have trauma or you don't believe the trauma you do have is "bad enough"?).

If you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist can help you explore this further and potentially find some healthy coping mechanisms you could use to substitute the urge to contact these men.

I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks #tw abuse #tw sa #tw nccsa #tw child abuse #tw csa

[puphoods]

flaps into here...would love to know your oldest & newest OCs and differences/similarities for you too...

SMILE. my oldest oc is asha and my newest im not 100% sure but i think is probably elliot. at the very least elliot is the most recent well developed so im going to talk about them

asha has remained quite similar to when i made her honestly just gotten more fleshed out... shes a young woman with necromancer abilities that travels around a lot and LOVES to resurrect animals especially cats ^-^ she has little regard for the consequences of life and death and the pain that what she does may cause because it doesnt really occur to her- to her, someone who has lost her family and is unable to do anything to get them back even in a world of magic that can quite literally bring people back from the dead, she cant imagine that it can be anything but good. she struggles with and comes to terms with her attachment issues over the course of the story shes in

what to say about elliot... theyre a person living in a post apocalyptic world almost completely isolated whos predisposition to paranoia + distrust worsens as they spend more and more time around people who they see as dangerous but the only safety net they have. they live in a refurbished and made up barn on the edge of a large farmland, with only two other people in the area, both of whom are the only safety net they have and both of whom do not like nor trust them, or each other. as time goes on they seek more control over the others while growing more fearful and feeling more powerless. i dont have a set idea of what a story would be for these three, theyre mainly just there making each other worse

id say now that i think of it there are a good amount of similaraties and differences between asha and elliot! ill start with the differences

personality wise theyre quite different id say... asha is very upbeat and social, quick to make friends and generally very "goes with the flow" when it comes to most things. she is stubborn, though, and quick to anger when challenged, and when this happens she digs in her heels and refuses to listen to anything that might go against what she believes. this causes difficulties with her friends and with her partner felicity, whose worldview and whole existence is antithetical to ashas. elliot on the other hand is the opposite in a lot of ways. they were already quite paranoid and asocial before the apocalypse happened, and now theyre extremely agoraphobic and distrustful of others, to the extent of relying on someone they think is unstable and dangerous because they think he can keep them safe. asha feels like her belief and her worldview is correct and stubbornly refuses to listen to anything that may contradict or disprove what she thinks, even when it hurts others, while elliot has no particularly strong morals or beliefs, mainly concerned with self preservation. one place i do think they are very similar personality wise though is that they both VERY much need to feel in control, either of their situation or thepeople around them, or they unravel and break down fairly quickly. both scramble to reassert themselves when they feel they dont have this, and both harm their relationships with others because of it

i think their stories are fairly different so i dont think theres much to compare there, though both are sort of fantasy- magic and zombies. its kind of interesting they both have undead creatures or people in them though i hadnt thought about that ^-^ elliots setting focuses much less on them as individuals though, while ressurections have a much more immediate focus for asha.

in terms of their ROLE- asha is the protagonist in her story, joined by felicity, her partner and deuteragonist, and a few other main cast members, with what i would imagine if i ever made it into a real thing to be a large cast of side + more one off characters. elliot is the deuteragonist of their setting, though, along with dahlia. the two of them are as vital and central to the story as cooper, the "main" character, but he is just the POV character so we see more of him of course. elliot has little influence over the overall setting and so the plot often centres around them trying to gain control in their personal situation, which is something that they share with asha- the plot largely follows a journey centred around the wants of felicity, which is something that asha disagrees with and does not want to see played out, but she has little control over

i think thats about it... ^_^ theyre not too similar in other ways like appearance and stuff. both of them are #bisexual... asha i made when i was maybe 15 or 16 and elliot i made only last year which is about 8 years difference. i think i would say ive come a decent way when it comes to the development of my ocs- asha was never intended to be any sort of self insert or anything but she was pretty heavily based on my personality (in ways that i saw it at least) when i made her but ive pulled her a bit away from that as she developed a bit more and ive changed too of course. elliot i would like to say i didnt really rely on any sort of inspiration for and hes not based on anything or anyone, other than subconsciously and since of course everything is drawn from inspiration i see around me. i think any more i go on about would just be minor details

#answered asks #my ocs #asha #elliot #i havent made any new ocs in a while! and elliot came last of those three because cooper and dahlia were in a dream i had

[feralbeeast]

I don't know what else to do so I'm gonna rant on here since so one really sees my posts anyways.

.

.

.

I'm never going to be enough, for anyone or anything. I'm always going to be a burden whether it be emotionally, mentally, or financially. I dont believe my loved ones when they say im not a burden because i know it isnt true, ive relied on things and people to make me "ok" my entire life. I burnt myself out before I even made it to adulthood and I don't know how to cope, prescription meds made me so fucking sick and vile I don't want and can't afford to go back to that again. The only coping mechanisms I have are isolation and weed, and neither of those are healthy but I guess it's better than self harming or just giving in. And sometimes those don't even work because of how exhausted I am in every. single. way. I'm too tired to keep living like this. I can't be responsible for myself how am i supposed to be responsible for others on top of struggling with myself. Im trying my god damned best and it will never be good enough for the people around me. That's not their fault but Jesus fuxking Christ I need something to change. No matter what happens I'm going to be fuxked, a wreck. And I can't do anything to stop that I just have to accept it and try my best to work with it. I will always hate myself and I've given up on me a very long time ago, but for those I love I will suffer until I physically can't anymore so they dont have to suffer as much. I wish people could see how much I do, how much I try, how much i care and understand.. and if the people I love do read this please don't blame yourself, this is all my fault and my burden to bare. I wish this world was kinder but this is the reality we live in and it's not changing anytime soon, in fact it's getting worse. Especially for people like me who is mentally ill, trans nonbinary, pansexual, and neurodivergent. This society was not meant for me and it never will be I have accepted that a long time ago. Maybe it's better off If I'm just gone. Everything this world has put me through should've killed me a long time ago, im jealous of the dead. I just want everything to stop so I can breathe. And I feel so fucking selfish for even thinking about killing myself but it's always there it's always the backup for me and it always will be, I've tried so fucking hard to be okay for the sake of my partner my cat and my family but im so fucking tired. Sometimes I think about how better off everyone would be if I stayed the "perfect quiet little girl" I was before I stood up for myself and left the overly abusive household I was in. I graduated high school out of spite of my family because they all thought I couldn't do it or I was gonna turn into a druggie like my parents were when they were my age. I'm so fucking jealous that my dad got to escape this world when he did and I wish he took me with him. I'm just, done. I've been living for other people my entire life not one minute of my life was spent just for me and I don't even know how to feel about that, I feel selfish for even wanting to live for me and I feel like an idiot for thinking I even possibly could. I'm going insane and there's nothing anyone can do except watch me burn. I have mourned me almost my whole life, the me you see now is not who I am. I lost myself the day I had to grow up and raise myself before I was even in school.

I wish I had somewhat a normal childhood, I wish I could've enjoyed the time I had. I will never get that time back or those people.

#vent #im sorry #trigger warning

[schizopositivity]

(TW: SELF-HARM)

Hello, do you have any advice for coping with intrusive thoughts related to self-harm?

Ever since 2020 I developed an intrusive thought about doing a specific self-harm act on a specific part of my body. I have only acted on it twice, once when I first developed the thought, and then another time earlier this year while going through a crisis and was doing things without fully realizing it.

Minus those two main incidents, I've mainly been able to avoid doing the act. I hid what I used to do it with, or I end up doing a milder form of self-harm until I snap out of it, but I still get the thoughts. I'll feel stuck in place, struggling because the thought will keep running through my head. I sometimes write on myself with marker as a replacement but other times all I can do is lay down thinking about doing the act to myself, or if I try to distract myself with something else it pops back into my mind, it's never fully gone away and it's a very loud and distracting thought and I feel powerless against it and blame myself for it.

well first off its not your fault, its not in your control, its an intrusive thought

intrusive thoughts dont have to mean anything, they dont indicate anything about your morals or your true desires

i like to think about intrusive thoughts, hallucinations and delusions all like just random chemicals going off in my brain

i let them come, acknoledge them, and then let them pass and try not to consciously give them any more thought

and i like to respond to the thoughts with my own purposeful thoughts of "thats ridiculous, obviously im not gonna do that" or "obviously thats not really me thinking that"

intrusive thoughts of self harm flood my head almost constantly, relating to anything and everything near me, its taken me years of therapy and endless practice to let these thoughts pass without affecting me

its hard work but it is possible, its something that gets easier with time and practice

another thing that ive heard works for some people is letting an ice cube melt in your hand or on the part that you were thinking of harming, this way you will get an instant sensation to focus on without it actually hurting you

if you do ever feel like acting on it again, or are in crisis, you should call a crisis hotline because you are worth getting help or just being listened to

#tw self harm #self harm tw #self harm #intrusive thoughts #answered