#i just. cries. i fucking love my ocs ok i think stories where Things Get Better are very important

[skybristle]

ok. finally my big gc post i've been hyping up. im sorry theres so much context bullshit here my fanon is complicated and this is Very me-specific, i don't think this could ever work in canon. bear with me though.

First: magic system . long story short, there are divine planes of magic, the 'source' of each type of magic's power and usually what the god of it has direct control over. another important thing about them [particularly the celestial planes, which is a distinction you thankfully don't have to care about] is that they can hold souls 'hostage' from the flow of life. this will be important later. particularly, the world of dreams has most of the main celestial body magics, plus some other rudimentary stuff, including the sunlight realm, a daydream facet of the whole world of dreams. normally, a god will by default have the 'birthright' to their realm,,, however sometimes spirits can get minor or even major godhood if they know what they're doing. it's both incredibly painful and simply unreasonable to expect a mortal body to be able to take the inflow of divine magic. [and yes, even though the ancients are immortal, they still Classify under mortal, they don't have any divinity asnd they just got a shitton of magic in their things]

and secondly: city of wizards. i mentioned it, but the world of dreams Does have a sun facet, and there IS a sun goddess, sunshine! [my lovely girlfriend @princess--bongwater 's oc].. i've always wanted them to be connected, but i haven't really figured out a way to make it work since i didn't want gc to straight up have a divine blessing that would set her apart from the other ancients. you see, uhm, a certain Incident happened in the city millenia ago where tldr moonlight got cursed by some twink, the city fell, and the dream barrier [divine in origin since it's technically moonlight's magic, so sunshien can't break through] and eclipse, their adoptive mother, tells sunshine to run before hell completely breaks loose when it all begins. sunshine, locked out with a vieled city only being able to see her twin chained up in the abyss of the dream realm, with an assumption her mortal mother is dead or will be by the time she's able to return,,, wanders off to the mortal realm. and, in a mortal diguise, that's where she's been, unable to face the dream world let alone her own personal godly duties, fucking around in bars getting slammed and shit. so. she's really out of the picture. the throne of the sun has been empty since a time beyond memory

NOW. golden cheese. i imagine a lot of the ancients came from the general place they founded their kingdoms [besides white lily and pv probably], and i've always seen gc as a thief wandering between villiages and oasis' on the sands prior to meeting hb / the others. it's a very disjointed soceity, with only one unifying trait: the worship of the sun goddess.

once she's settled in as the pharoah, the worship of the sun is still very much there, even if gc has kind of become sort of a godly figure among her people. she personally doesn't consider it much, having originally lived a harsh life and never being given sol's grace. until shes on her knees, sobbing, crying, clutching the staffs of her dearest friends and her people over the ruins of her kingdom, over the dried blood in the fractured golden tiles. the wind whistles in her ears. this is the first time in her life the desert sun has felt completely scorching. and, in the deepest depths of her grief, she finally prays to the sun. for anything . [she doesn't know that's what all of the bodies before her were spending their last moments doing]. she cries and sobs to the heavens as her talons are digging so hard into her other hand they bleed. she has no other choice. the heavens are silent

well, golden cheese has never exactly been a cattle waiting for rescue. fine then, sunshine, be that way. she has to bring them back. her finest treasures, all of them. the gold burning her eyes doesn't matter. so she soars. up and up and up. her lungs are burning with the thin air. her wings are pounding in her ears and she can see nothing but light, and she can't tell if it's what she's staring at or her soul jam overflowing with the power of her grief and denial. but she keeps going.

her talons clutch the sun, finally [this is a little metaphorical, she's actually seizing the divine realm, lol dw the literal sun is ok] and as she finally falls back down she holds it close and channels all of her power into it and even if it's fighting back she's wrangling it like a jackal and she'll fucking win. she has to. there's no other choice now.

before she smashes into the sands, it fianlly takes her there. a blank slate. a little messy from hosting daydreams and not being attended to by its god, but it's workable. it's oddly dim, i guess there's no sun here anymore.

perfect. with just the right timing, she grabs the souls here from the hand of death and takes them away.

the 'digital' kingdom is, yes, a lot of technology, but its also a melting pot of magic and souls and code and it's very,,, hectic. thankfully, her people weren't big mage-types, and she mainly assigns the souls of former mages similar powers using the fakeness of her world. just trying to look at this thing using their magic sight would give them vertigo if they were using Actual Magic that's real. i should also add she had to personally bury each one with her own two talons. sure, the cheesebirds helped, but there's only so much they can do. her closest friends to the tiniest babies to her wisest elders. and,,, i mean,,, she's sitting on the throne of the sun. she *is* the sun goddess. but while she is sitting in the vacated land of the sun she betrayed, her soul jam is supporting a lot of it, and she's actualyl despite her ego actively fighting against the transformation into a god. the divinity is seeping into her, but its absolutely *agonizing*, i imagine the 'sun deity' transformation in her skill is absolutely brutally painful, and even if her soul jam cam help her bear the weight of this whole charade, it's not very,,, fun. it's just such a captivating hc to me. she usurped the goddess of the sun to keep up this lie. in fact, that's why the digital kingdom is always night, a false sun can't illuminate it. and there's a timer ticking. stop being delusional and face the music of what really happened, or get eaten from the inside out by the reminder of what she stole. i wonder which she'll choose. a lot of my thoughts with this hc r just visuals. ill have to draw smthin later

#sky rambles #cookie run #cookie run kingdom #crk #golden cheese cookie

[idle-starship]

A Serious Update

TW // Vent; mentions of suicide, death, and violence against trans people; overall a bummer to read.

I'm aware this is not my usual style of posting, at least on Tumblr, but I just want to give an update on where I am now regarding my life and how that could affect my stories and this blog. I apologize if this post gets a tad bit vent-y. I also apologize for not posting regularly as of late. In fact, I may not be able to keep up with once a day posts and updates about my stories, at least not right now.

I'm sure many of you are aware of the current situation in America; many anti-transgender bills are being passed, and our community is facing the threat of genocide. I don't use this term lightly. We are currently in stage 7 out of 10.

As you can imagine this has affected my mental (and possibly my physical) health severely. I can tell I've slipped into a crisis mode mindset. Or maybe it's called survival mode? I'm not sure, but it doesn't matter. I'm scared for my life.

It's my dream to share my stories and characters with the world, and my biggest fear is that my life will be cut short before I can do that. I've cried my eyes out at the thought that these characters will die with me. I know that it's silly and kinda depressing to value my life around my creations, but if it weren't for these characters I don't think I would still be here. Honestly. These silly little characters have gotten me through so much, and I've come to love them as if they were my close friends.

The fact that my dream could be shot down just because I'm trans is... It's something that I've grappled with before, but never like this. It's soul-crushing.

I guess the point that I'm trying to make is that we're in the middle of a fucking crisis. I don't have the time or energy to keep up with this blog on a regular basis, and I'm dropping the whole "one story a week" system I had, at least for now. I will be posting when I can and when I feel like it.

But I do still want to post here. Like I said, I want to share my stories before I die. And if that means info-dumping on Tumblr before I get hate-crimed or die by suicide (which I have no intention of doing), then... well, it's not what I hoped for, but it's better than nothing.

The future looks bleak, but I want to keep creating for as long as I can. All I want to do is make people smile.

Anyway, I should probably end on a happy note. I've got a new hyperfixation on Trigun Stampede, so that's pretty fun! Most of my creative energy the past week or so has actually gone into a Vash x Reader fanfiction, which I will be posting the first chapter of tonight on AO3! This franchise has been a great way to keep my mind off things, and I'm very grateful to have something to turn to for a quick lil dose of serotonin. Also, my Birthday is in a couple days! I'll be turning 19! I'm also planning on making an animatic featuring me and my main OC Dash for the occasion, although I doubt I'll be able to finish it in time for my birthday, but that's ok!

Alright, I'm gonna go publish that fic now. Take care everyone, love y'all 🫶

[taetaespeaches]

“Did we just give relationship advice?”

seokjin x reader (or oc) (feat. platonic jungkook)  genre: fluff; angst word count: 2.2K

a/n: Hi lovelies! Omg this closes out the two weeks of Jinnie! This fic is kind of just a slow subtle one that shows Jin and Poopsie’s growth as a couple. When Jungkook has a fight with his girlfriend, and he calls Jin and Poopsie for help. That’s really is, that’s the drabble. As always I hope you enjoy and thanks for reading! :)) 

LYING on your side atop your bed, you brushed through your boyfriend’s hair with your fingertips, the man telling you all about his stressful day at work.

He had come into the room not even five minutes ago, returning from the studio, falling onto the mattress and immediately taking refuge against your body. His head was resting against your stomach, his words muffled against your clothing, with his arm slung over your hip.

“They changed so much of the choreography,” he complained, you frowning in response. “It’s just-” he groaned in frustration. “I just barely starting getting the moves down and then they changed a bunch.”

You hummed, continuing to sweep your fingers through his strands. “I’m sorry, my love,” you sympathized with him.

Letting out a sigh, he nuzzled further against you. “I’m just tired.”

“Go to sleep,” you told him gently, flattening your hand against the side of his head, lightly scratching his scalp in hopes of helping him relax.

“I won’t,” he lazily protested.

Giggling, you peered down at him. “Why not?”

“I will not,” he said again, adamant.

“Ok, but why?” You asked through your light laughter.

“I’m cuddling my woman,” he told you, you scoffing, but fond.

“You can cuddle me when you’re sleeping,” you noted, Jin shaking his head.

“Nah uh,” he mumbled, looking up at you just as his phone dinged, notifying him of a text. The phone was out of his reach but within yours, so you grabbed the device off the pillow and held it out for him. “Who is it?”

Looking at the screen, you read, “JK,” out loud, dragging out the “ayyy” sound to mimic the way Jungkook and the members jokingly say it.

“Ah, I spent all day with that kid, what does he want?” Jin teased. “Read it to me.”

Unlocking his phone, you cleared your throat in a mock professional manner, pretending to make an important announcement. Jin chuckled tiredly at your act, but as your eyes scanned over the message you sat up a little straighter, dropping your fun attitude.

“They had a fight,” you said, Jin craning his neck to look up at you with confusion. “Hypothetically speaking, what the fuck are you supposed to do when you just had the biggest fight you’ve ever had with your girlfriend and she asks you to leave?” You read, Jin sitting up in response to the message.

Taking the phone from you, he read over the words himself, you leaning over to rest your chin on his shoulder as you read the message again. You watched as Jin typed out “What happened?”

The three dots signaling Jungkook’s incoming reply was instant.

JK: Long story short, I’m an asshole who doesn’t let my girlfriend relax or breathe.

Your eyebrows scrunched together as you read the message, Jin looking to you with the same confusion etched into his features. “Ask him where he is,” you nodded to the phone, Jin quickly typing the message.

The dots were instant again.

JK: The dorm. Should I be here?

JK: I’m freaking out, I don’t want to lose her.

Jin looked to you, you staring at the phone. “What should we do?”

You thought for a moment before looking up at Jin with sad eyes, your boyfriend having to hold back the small smile that tugged at his lips due to your concerned expression.

“Would you be mad if I said we should go over there and talk to him?” You asked, Jin letting the smile form, accompanied by a small chuckle.

“I would be shocked if you said anything else, love,” he noted, you scrunching your nose before biting his shoulder lightly in embarrassment of your softness for these boys. “Hey,” Jin complained cutely, gently wiggling his shoulder. You watched as he typed, “We’ll be there in a bit. You’re going to have to tell us what happened.”

The dots appeared quickly again.

JK: Both of you?

“I don’t have to be there if he doesn’t want me to be,” you told Jin. He typed out, “Is that ok?” Both of you understood Jungkook didn’t necessarily like opening up, especially when it came to his insecurities.

Jin leaned toward you to place a kiss to your temple, you leaning into the touch of his lips on your skin.

“You’re too sweet, you know that?” He complimented, you groaning in response. Jungkook’s message came in and you both looked to the screen, Jin letting out a small laugh at the message.

JK: Preferred actually.

“I swear, I raised the kid and he still likes you more,” Jin playfully complained, you giggling as you patted his thigh.

“Keep trying, maybe one day you’ll be the favorite,” you jokingly boasted, Jin scoffing as you both stood to go see your favorite youngen.

Making your way inside the dorm, you both looked around at the empty dorm. Everyone was with their girlfriends, well and Tae was with whatever his “Peaches” is to him. You both approached Jungkook’s bedroom quickly, you gently knocking on the door as Jin called out a “JK.”

The door swung open and the image of the man was devastating. His eyes were red and glistening, not with his usual sparkle. He sniffled as he looked at you both before turning away and making his way to his bed. You and Jin both watched as he sat down before your boyfriend stepped inside the room, you following behind.

Jin stayed standing, looking around the bedroom for a moment as you made your way to sit next to Jungkook.

“Kookie, what happened?” You asked gently, Jin’s eyes quickly looking to you and his younger member as you both awaited Jungkook’s response.

The boy took a moment to pull his thoughts and emotions together before letting out a huff. “I don’t even know.”

As you watched Jungkook carefully, your eyes scanning over his features, observing the emotions expressed in way he chewed on the inside of his lip, the bounce of his leg, and how the tears started forming in his eyes, gathering along his bottom eye lid, Jin’s eyes were on you.

Jungkook stared at the floor in front of him, almost in a daze and you were sure he was replaying the fight in his head.

“Jungkook,” you spoke softly, leaning forward to place yourself in his peripheral. His head snapped to you for a brief moment before he averted his gaze to his hands.

“We were both moody and stressed and she was writing an essay but I was acting like an ass and trying to get her attention and then it just escalated,” he explained.  

“Escalated how?” Jin asked from a few feet away, both you and Jungkook looking toward your boyfriend.

Watching him stand there, his face full of concern as he attempted to understand the conflict was only making you fall more in love with the man. His protective nature for those he loves and his desire to support those closest to him was not only something you loved about him but also something you admired.

It was a bittersweet moment, falling more in love with someone while another person you loved was experiencing some of his first heartbreak.

“She said she feels like I hold her to a standard of perfection and she’s scared of ruining that,” he said sadly, a tear slipping down his face as he wiped it away, sniffling again. “She has a fear that if she shows me imperfection, I won’t love her anymore.”

“Did she say how she got that impression?” You asked, Jin stepping forward before taking a seat on the floor below you and Jungkook.

“I praise her for being perfect and I nag,” he said simply, taking a deep breath.

“Even if you do praise her for certain things, you still love her completely,” Jin commented, you nodding.

“Yeah, it’s not like you don’t love the imperfections,” you added.

“She doesn’t feel that though,” Jungkook pointed out, his face contorting as his emotions began taking over.

“Oh, Kookie,” you cooed, wrapping your arms around him as he cried against your shoulder. “Have you two ever talked about this stuff before?”

Jungkook shook his head against your shoulder, you looking to Jin sadly. He gave you a sad expression, taking a deep breath.

“Jungkook,” your boyfriend called out, pulling the younger man’s eyes to him, you watching the interaction carefully. “Have you ever opened up to her?” Jungkook looked at his older friend for a moment before Jin clarified. “I mean, have you ever told her about your insecurities or the things that sit in your mind that you can’t really push away?”

Jin and Jungkook’s relationship was always so teasing and playful that you sometimes forgot how observant they were of each other’s habits and struggles. You watched the two men intently as Jin’s gaze stayed on Jungkook’s, the younger man thinking about the question.

“I don’t want her to have to deal with all of that,” Jungkook noted quietly, sitting up. You moved your hand to sit on top of his shoulder as you massaged the spot soothingly. Jin gave Jungkook a knowing look. “She said I’m always ok and that makes her feel like she can’t falter.”

“But you’re not always ok,” Jin commented. “Of course you’re not.”

Jungkook let out a breath of air at the comment, shaking his head.

“Do you want her to know that side of you?” You asked. “The side that’s not ok?”

Jungkook’s next breath was shaky as he nodded.

“You have to open up to her,” Jin told his friend. “She’s not going to feel comfortable showing you all of her and in her worst moments if you don’t do the same.”

Jungkook’s gaze was frozen on Jin as he mulled over the words.

“There’s strength in vulnerability,” you told him, both Jungkook and Jin looking to you, Jungkook’s eyebrows pulling together as if he was realizing something, Jin’s face being overtaken by a small smile. “I think it’s normal to worry about being a burden when you share your burdens with others. But she’s choosing you and your burdens. Let her be there for you.”

The words you advised Jungkook with were all too familiar to Jin, the man having to hold back his growing smile. They were very similar to the words and sentiment he had spoken to you several times throughout your relationship.

“You don’t have to protect her. All you’re really doing is keeping you both from connecting and having that person who just gets you. You two could have that,” you finished, Jungkook nodding slowly as he gained control over his emotions, looking more determined rather than broken.

“Did she kick you out?” Jin suddenly asked, Jungkook shaking his head.

“No, she was finishing her essay and said she wanted to talk later,” he told you both, you and Jin both nodding.

“Go back tonight,” Jin told him. “Whenever you feel is best, you know her. But show her you care enough to come back and figure it out.”

Jungkook nodded, stretching his arms out in front of him, looking visibly calmer and more in control.

“Are you good?” Jin asked, Jungkook giving a single nod of assurance. “You’re going back tonight?” Another nod. “Ok,” Jin chuckled slightly. “You two will be just fine, JK.”

“You will be,” you assured him, Jungkook turning to give you an appreciative smile.

“Ok, we’re gonna go,” Jin announced, you standing up from the bed, Jin holding his hand out in a silent plea for you to help him stand. You took his hand, attempting to pull him up though he was no help at all, giving you dead weight to tease you, you giggling as you tugged and strained.

Jungkook let out a small scoff mixed with a laugh, watching you both in slight amusement. Finally, Jin helped you help him to stand, you rolling your eyes when he wrapped his arm around your shoulders.

“Let us know how it goes,” you told Jungkook before pushing against your boyfriend’s waist to get him to move toward the exit.

“I will,” Jungkook muttered, watching you both walk away. “Thank you, guys,” he told you both genuinely, but in embarrassment as Jin prepared to tease him, you already sighing.

“Looks like I’m still raising you,” Jin smiled jokingly, you and Jungkook both groaning. Jungkook let his back fall to the mattress, holding up a hand as he shooed his hyung away, Jin’s squeaky laughter resonating in the room before you pushed him out through the exit.

“Go get your girl,” you yelled out to Jungkook before shutting his bedroom door.

The car heater was on low, the hum of a playlist echoing through the cab. Jin had one hand on the steering wheel, the other reaching across the console to rest atop your thigh casually. He hummed slightly to ‘Easy’ by Mac Ayres, you simply listening peacefully.

Suddenly, Jin’s humming was interrupted by a small breathy chuckle. Looking over at him, you observed his smile, a smile of your own forming.

“Did we just give relationship advice?” You asked, Jin smiling even wider in amusement of your question.

“Crazy, right?” He prompted, you staring at him from across the car.  

“Wild,” you responded, resting the side of your head against the headrest as you continued to watch your boyfriend. “Look how far we’ve come, my love.”

Jin looked over at you, a soft expression on his face as he squeezed your thigh. “Who would have ever though we had it in us.”  

#jin #jin x reader #jin fluff #jin angst #jin drabble #jin drabbles #jin onesot #jin oneshots #jin imagine #jin imagines #jin fic #jin fics #jin scenario #jin scenarios #seokjin #seokjin x reader #seokjin fluff #seokjin angst #seokjin drabble #seokjin drabbles #seokjin oneshot #seokjin oneshots #seokjin imagine #seokjin imagines #seokjin fic #seokjin fics #seokjin scenario #seokjin scenarios #bts #bts jin

[twstismymuse]

🦋Aoi Cho OC Profile🦋

Guess who’s back at it again, putting a brand new shiny oc profile out on display! (●’◡’●)ﾉ

—————————————————————————-

✨Ramshackle Dorm Prefect

✨My version of “Yuu” for the game

✨Her name literally translates to “blue butterfly”

—————————————————————————-

Traits

Um...hi!! My name is Aoi! Aoi Cho! It’s...ah...really nice to meet you! I really hope we can get along!

ꕥ A sweet young girl who honestly deserves a break from all the crap she’s had to deal with 

ꕥ She’s awkward around new people, hasn’t had many friends in the past

ꕥ Very sleep deprived, like girl please get some rest-

ꕥ Doesn’t talk much, mostly to herself and tends to ramble and blurt out random thoughts

Aoi: If I gave Leona catnip…would he get high like a cat? Do lions even react to catnip in the same way as regular cats? What about Chenya?

Aoi: Frick the overblots, this is what I need to be focusing on-

ꕥ Hasn’t been able to clearly express herself before (she feels like she always has to put on a brave face and a smile in front of everybody, so much so that it’s exhausting) but being in Twisted Wonderland is helping to break her out the shell she kept herself in

ꕥ Praises everyone but any compliments directed at her fly over her head

ꕥ A Gen-Z kid at heart 

Aoi: All these ghosts, ALL THESE GHOSTS, in the Ramshackle Dorm and I still can’t find a boo.

ꕥ Reckless, often jumps into things without thinking them through

ꕥ Like by the time an Overblot happens for the third time in a row: *sighhhhhhh* Here we go again-

ꕥ Uses her heart more than her head, yet can think on her feet like Yuu :)

ꕥ Caring and always willing to lend a hand but for fuck’s sake, can Deuce and Ace stop dragging her into their shit-

ꕥ She’s kind, almost to a fault really

ꕥ Would throw herself into danger for her friends in a heartbeat, puts everyone else’s needs and happiness before her own to the point where it’s unhealthy

ꕥ She’ll always ask if you’re doing ok, if you need anyone to talk to she’s here for you… no one really ever asks if she’s ok 

Aoi: You know, I’m here for you if you need to talk. Always!

Aoi: Are you ok? Wanna talk about it?

ꕥ Low self esteem, she doesn’t view herself as important as the people she cares about

ꕥ A good listener, she’s the person you can always turn to when you need to vent or need to talk

ꕥ She’s an avid reader and loves to hear stories from long ago

ꕥ Curious about new things and always eager to learn more

ꕥ *cries in no one gets her memes*

Aoi: You guys...you really don’t know what yeet is? You can’t recite Vines?

Everyone: ...

Aoi: Ok Boomer???

Everyone: What the hell are you talking about?

Aoi: ...nothing, just forget it (;´༎ຶٹ༎ຶ`)

ꕥ Is a decent cook, able to make basic dishes and keep Grim fed and happy

ꕥ Can sing pretty good but doesn’t want anyone to hear her

ꕥ *nErVOuS LaUgHTer*

#twisted wonderland oc #twst oc #twisted wonderland #twst #aoi cho #gurl legit just wants to make everyone around her happy #crowley please stop taking advantage of her kindness #ace trappola #deuce spade #twst grim #oc profile

[lovlydovlyjaycie]

The Walking Dead / Supernatural: A World Changed

Hii so this is gonna be a story about a crossover but also not really a crossover from the walking dead and supernatural.

Note: Because music inspires me a lot I am going to give all my parts titles and add songs that kinda inspired me or put me in that mood of that part. I’m gonna try to put the link in somewhere or you can look it up on Spotify, Youtube or somewhere else.

Summary: Y/N is from Boston and moved to Los Angeles to be a nanny, she’s been doing it for a while now and loves the two, soon to be three, children like they were her own. One day she goes to work and it seems like the world around her is falling apart. People are dying, unbeknownst to her they are coming back to live. She is trying to find a way so she stays alive and the people around her too and she needs help, but she’d rather does it on her own.

This part will talk more about what happened before y/n met the Winchesters. This will tell us why y/n has a hard time trusting people and staying in one place. There will be flashbacks and they are all written in italics.

Characters: Y/N, OC Alice Cattaneo , OC Mark Cattaneo , OC Birdy Cattaneo, OC Clark Cattaneo, OC Jayden Cattaneo,  Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, Al.

Warnings: DEATH, angst, language, violence. I think that is it.

I just wanna be clear, in this part and the next there will be talked about why OC Alice and OC Birdy are not in the story anymore.

Music: Remember me - Anadel

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=taTTt7dH4Ig

Part 5 Remember me

Walking up to the gate I didn’t see a lot of people inside at all. Then I heard screaming. I tried to look back but, Mason and Tony were holding me. What was going on? BANG! My heart started racing, that was a gunshot. I gathered all the strength I got and finally turned around. I saw Birdy laying in the ground, still. there was blood pooling around her tiny body. ‘’NOO!’’ Alice was screaming crying next to her and so was Clark. I felt my whole body rush with adrenaline and I only saw red. Everything started going in slow-motion. Mason and Tony were trying to grab me, but in doing so they had their hands full with me, so I did the most logical thing and grabbed Masons handgun that was strapped on his belt and shot him in his head. Then I shot Tony and took his machine gun from his body that dropped down. I ran over to Alice and Clark. Billy tried to shoot at me, but I was faster. ‘’RUN!’’ I yelled at Alice. She grabbed Clark in tears. In an opening I grabbed Michael by his shoulder and was pointing the gun at his back. ‘’DROP YOUR WEAPONS!’’ I yelled at them. Michael did as he was told. Tyler was taking a few steps back. ‘’Think about this for a second.’’ He said. ‘’You’ll die out there.’’ He said while trying to point the gun at me, but I was hiding behind Michael. ‘’JUST LET IT GO MAN, YOU FUCKED UP.” Michael said. ‘’You shouldn’t have done that.’’ It was Tyler that did it then. I wanted to strangle him, but I had to think about this for a second. Tyler was not shooting me because I had Michael. I had leverage. ‘’You’re dead here too, I just killed your friends. You pick her up carefully.’’ I pressed my gun into Michaels back to make him hurry up. He slowly crouched down and picked Birdy up. I crouched down with him. ‘’Now you sergeant stay here. Or this friend of yours will also get a bullet in his head.’’ I threatened. My whole body was shaking from adrenaline. We backed up slowly, towards the woods that Alice and Clark ran in.

 Birdy just got killed and I killed three people.

-

Present day

“I-.. That’s horrible. I am so sorry that happened.” Al stated. I mean what are you supposed to say to that. A child was murdered, a three year old child. She had her whole life a head of her and it was just taken away from her. She had so many things coming her way before all this, but the world went to shit. And now.. now her life has been cut way to short. It isn’t fair. She never even got to meet Jayden. She never got to turn four years old. She never got to have her first crush. She never got to go to high school, college, marry or not marry. She never got to move out. She never got to grow old. She could never have anything like that because of what the world turned into. She never gets to have anything of that. All because of the so called ‘sergeant’ Tyler. I couldn’t even look at Al or Jayden, who had fallen asleep when I was talking, or Clark who was still playing with the sticks he had found.

“Are you ok? It is totally fine if you wanna take a break, or just stop.” Al told me. “No, I- I’m ok I have to do this.” My voice was cracking. I put my hand to my cheek and felt it was wet. I felt one tear go down. I haven’t cried since all that happened. I have to be strong and think about Clark and Jayden. Right now I have to be strong as well. I wiped my cheek and put on my ‘brave face’ to tell the rest of the story.

“After that I went in to the woods with the other soldier. Michael. I still only saw red and I just wanted to be rid of him.”

-

Day 29

“KEEP WALKING!” I yelled at the Michael. I was pressing the gun in his back still. After what felt like a life time we got far enough away from the army base. “Put her down, carefully.” I ordered. And Michael did as he was told. He put Birdy down slowly and carefully. I didn’t want him to suddenly run away, so I took my belt off and told him to go to a tree that was thin but looked strong enough. “Put your arms behind your back.” Again he did as he was told. I tied him up to the tree as tight as I possibly could. He was hissing. Just for that I made it tighter. Fuck him. 

Then I turned around I did everything to not look at Birdy. But even after a while I couldn’t avoid it. And when I saw her my body dropped. I didn’t feel sadness for some reason. My body was flooded with anger. Even more so now. “She was just a child..” I said quietly. But Michael heard. “I’m so, so sorry I- He shouldn’t hav-..” “SHUT UP!” I cut him off. “I DON’T CARE WHY IT SHOULD OR SHOULDN’T HAPPEN! I WANNA KNOW WHY IT HAPPENED!” I stood up and walked towards him with my gun pointed at him. “She.. She was positive. She had the virus.” He stammered. “THAT’S IMPOSsible-..” Her arm I remembered. When the dead came in to the house she had covered her arm. I walked over to the side where Birdy had hurt her arm and took off the bandages.

“No.” She was bit. This was my fault. I should’ve checked her. I should have.. I should have done better. Why didn’t I check her.

“You know they are gonna come looking for me. We don’t have a lot of people anymore. So Tyler wants everybody he can save. You can make him get you food, water, clothes, medicine anything you want. You got the upper hand here.” Michael told me.

“Do you have a knife?” I asked. “I didn’t see you drop any knifes earlier and I know you should have one, so where is it.” I tried to sound as calm as I possibly could. Which was very hard. An Michael looked like he hoped I didn’t know that. Though luck. 

“Uhm.. I-” He stammered. I pointed the gun at him again. And walked around him. “Well?” I asked waiting for his answer. When I was behind him I saw that he was holding a pocketknife. “I’ll take that.” And I grabbed it out of his hands. 

“Just don’t do anything you’ll regret. We could really help you.” He tried again. 

“And you will. You’ll make sure that your friend will leave us alone.” Meanwhile I opened the pocketknife. Walked towards him and slit his throat. “You just won’t be alive to tell him that.” 

I put the knife away in my pocket and walked towards Birdy. My body felt just heavy seeing her. It hurt. So I decided to push all of that away for now. There will come a time where I can deal with it. That time is just not now. Now I have to find Alice and Clark and be strong. I have to put on my brave face. I picked up Birdy and started looking for Alice and Clark.

-

It took me a couple of hours to find Alice and Clark. When I found them Alice broke down. Seeing Birdy like this. “I thought, I’d take her, so we can burry her.” I stated. I felt numb. Holding Birdy for that long, while she is so still. She could never really sit still or keep quiet. She always wanted to play and talk, but now, now it was nothing but quietness and no movement. 

“Thank you.” Alice said between sobs.

Not to far from where we were there was a graveyard. It was the best place to put her. Nobody dead or alive will bother her there. We put a rock on her grave that said, Birdy Cattaneo the bravest girl on earth. After that we found a car that worked and decided to go North. Wyoming. It was December so it was all very cold every where we went. To drive away from that graveyard was the hardest thing I have ever done. It felt like my heart was being ripped to pieces the further we got. It was hard to breathe. But it was for the best, getting as far away as possible from this place. Alice was crying almost the whole way and Clark was just very confused about it all and asked ‘Bubba?’ a lot.

That day was the longest day I have ever had.

-

Day 40

After a couple of days we already had found a house. This was good because it was so cold now. There was a thick layer of snow laying outside, but luckily not to thick where we couldn’t walk through anymore. After all that happened I didn’t talk a lot. Neither did Alice. It was mostly quiet beside Clark talking up a storm.

“Oh no.” I heard Alice say. “What happened?” I asked as I walked in the kitchen where Alice was.

“My water.. it broke, but it is too early. We still have about two weeks.” Alice panickily stated. We both knew that when het water broke there was only about a twelve hour window where the baby needs to be born before it would get dangerous for him.

“Ok, what do you need?” I asked. “Towels, water and something to wrap him in.” And I did as I was told. I searched the house for all the things we needed. In one of the closets I found a small blanket where he could be wrapped in.

When I came down stairs I saw Alice leaning over. “Do you have contractions?” I asked. I took a little bit for her to answer. “Yes, but they are far apart and not regular.” She stated out of breath.

In the middle of all this I put Clark down in one of the guest rooms the people had who lived here before. He was asleep really fast luckily.

After about six hours the contractions were getting a bit closer. But not close enough yet.

“Can you promise me something y/n?” Alice asked. It was so quiet now it startled me that she spoke.

“Yes, anything.” I answered back. I looked at her and her face was being lit by the light of the fire we had going to keep us warm. Outside it was pitch black. It was just a little after midnight.

“If I die-” She started but I cut her off. “You’re not going to everything will be ok.” I told her quickly. “We don’t know. And that’s ok, but I need you to promise me something. Please.” There was a pause. The truth is, we didn’t know what was going to happen. But I couldn’t bear the thought of her dying too, so soon after Birdy.

“If I don’t make it. Will you be their mother? I-.. I just don’t want you to get separated again and the children look like you and.. I just.. I know it is a lot to ask, but if I die they will not have anybody else.”

“I will, but nothing is going to happen to you.” I told her. 

-

present day

“All through the night I told her that she’d be ok, but it was a lie I was telling myself. We both knew she wasn’t going to make it. After eleven hours Alice started pushing. And everything went so quickly. She pushed for about an hour when Jayden was born.” I looked at Jayden who was still sound asleep next to me.

“But I was so busy with Jayden, cleaning him and being distracted by his crying that I didn’t notice that Alice was bleeding out. I asked her what do I do, but she never responded... I was too late to do anything and even if I wasn’t too late, I didn’t know what I was doing or how to save her. I tried CPR, but that obviously didn’t help. I just.. I- I couldn’t do anything beside letting her die. And when she wasn’t breathing anymore I covered her with a blanket that was hanging over the couch. Then I walked upstairs with Jayden.”

-

Day 41

Jayden had fallen asleep luckily. I was freaking out Alice had died giving birth. How am I supposed to take care of him. There is no milk or anything for him to eat. I would have to look for formula. Where am I supposed to find that? Probably everything was taken by now. For now water will have to do, because I don’t have anything else.

Then all of a sudden I heard rumbling down stairs. I got the knife that I held in my pocket and went downstairs to investigate the noise. When I came down Alice’s body was gone. 

“What the fuck?” Did someone move her? Did the dead get inside. Because before we got here there was no dead for miles. 

I walked around towards the kitchen and there I saw it. It was Alice. “Alice, are you ok? I- I thought you..” I started and when she turned around I saw that she was one of the dead. But she wasn’t bitten or sick.

“No..” I trailed off. How could this happen? I was backing up from her. She started following me and making noises. She sounded like she was one of the dead. “Alice, please..” She came closer. I tried pushing her. “Alice!” This can’t be happening. Then I let myself go numb. I pushed her up against the wall and looked her in the eyes while she was still probably trying to eat me. “I’m sorry. I will take care of them.. I promise.” And the I put my knife through her head. She stopped moving.

-

Present day

“After that I dug a grave in their backyard and buried her next to a big tree. I cleaned up everything inside, like nothing had happened.” I told Al.

“What did you tell Clark?” She asked.

“Nothing. He was too young to understand any of it. And if he asked I’d tell him she is with Birdy. But he stopped asking about her really quickly and started calling me mamma. And I am. In every single way besides blood.” I stated. I looked over at Clark. He was waving all the sticks at me that he had found.

“We stayed in that house for a while.. Looking back at it.. We should have never left. Because the people I met after that were people that were from a horror movie.” Thinking about it, made me sick.

...

..

.

Thank you for reading! Let me know what you think!!

#dean #dean winchester x reader #dean x reader #dean x you #deanwinchtser #sam winchester #supernatural #the walking dead #supernatural fanfic #twd fanfiction #the walking dead fanfiction #dean winchester fanfiction #dean fanfiction #fanfiction #fanfic #supernatural fanfiction

[jenmyeons]

Favorite Fics 2019

hi hello it’s me your local mess. ok so this hit me on my way to work the other day and since it’s friday i feel like today is a good day to hopefully make someone’s day/night/weekend a little brighter? 

i love reading fanfics. periodt. there are lots of incredible writers out there on this site and other platforms who take time to write beautiful fics about the real people and characters and their emotional support kpop ladies and gentlemen to show their love and appreciation so i want to dedicate this to my favorite fics of this year. these fanfics are of varying lengths and genres but they all have two things in common 1) they were posted this year 2) i love them.

(most of these are exo but i have some other groups sprinkled in there too)

other favorite fics of mine can be found under my fic recs tag!

A Decade of Midnights by @chogi-wae 

queen of noir! grumpy chenneth! sexy detectives! murder mystery! do i even have to say anything else? oh yes! we also get coroner!baekhyun 

ps: jae has a sequel started for this with two parts already having me at the edge of my seat. i love all of jae’s writing but this one takes the cake

Enough by @yeoldontknow

anything kat touches turns golden and holy mother of everything that is self-love and reflection. this is a fic for all us sexy ladies with a body that doesn’t conform to what society has decided is “beautiful”. i can’t call myself plus size in any way but i do not have a flat tummy or legs for days or perky titties. quite the opposite; i’m a short lady with love handles, saggy tits and stomach rolls (yes we’re going tmi here but it’s important ok). park chanyeol is the opposite of that and he’s the best fucking man ever in this fic. he’s a muscle man but he’s a man with the biggest heart and he says “you have a cute butt” which is enough reason for you to read this. when i feel bad about myself, i think about enough and i become a little happier

Empty Vessels 

another yeoldontknow masterpiece! i stand by the statement that this is the best fic i have ever read. probably read this five times already and i think about it almost daily. junmyeon is a witch from salem and that’s only one of the many reasons for you to check this out and hopefully fall in love with it as much as i have. it’ll rip your heart out and stomp on it. dub me professional empty vessels promoter already kat!! 

Dichotomy by @kyungseokie

dia hurts you in the best possible way with this fic. bawl my eyes out every damn time i read this because fucking hell this is emotional investment and hearts broken and everything hurts and this is not your average love triangle where one guy is obviously worse than the other. NO! this can go either way and you just want everyone to be happy and baekhyun needs a hug!

Teacher’s Pet by @suhoerections

teacher junmyeon getting called daddy “threatening” to bend you over his desk and fuck you hard is a lot for a suhoe stan such as myself to think about but i’m not mad, just jorny.

Clouded by @mayrubyy

uhm yes do you want to cry some more? this is an emotional rollercoaster, you have been warned! this fic has great potential and it’s maya’s child and when the next part is posted you know shit will go down and ashjgff i have no words only love for both the author aka my baby and the fic itself🥺💖

Familiar Stranger by @myforeverforlife

love love love love LOVE familiar stranger! a beautiful story about reader losing all memories of the last five years due to an accident which includes her entire life with fiancé kim jongdae. dae is an angel, we all know that, but he’s somehow even more angelic as the most patient person ever in familiar stranger. this hits right in the feels (can you tell i love to read angst ahjdsf) and it’s not your usual wham bam thank you ma’am all-memories-recovered-in-five-seconds kind of situation either and i’m praying for another update of this because this is not just one of the best fics of this year but one of my favorites period.

Sunny Side Up by @dreaminghaos

i love everything fee writes with a burning passion y’all

this fic is everything everything everything!!! i can’t get enough of this fic and i probably never will get enough of it either because i love this pairing and i’m in love with struggling writer!jeonghan 

Magnetic by @softyexo 

did anyone say ceo!myeon? this is a recent love of mine. i read it just the other day and have been thinking about it non-stop since. absolutely in love with oc’s and junmyeon’s dynamic in this one and it feeds all my lovesickness for this man made of pure husband material. thanks for coming to this ted talk.

Hold on to silence by @dropsofletters

amazing! show stopping! incredibly unique! absolutely astonishing! idiots in love! omg i LOVE this one! yixing as chanhun’s manager is everything i didn’t know i needed and holy crap this is such a lovely story please read it and experience the feels™

Neon Moon by @kyungseokie

they were roleplaying! ROLEPLAYING!

Trauma by @baekwell--tart

dad and secret mafia man!byun falls in love with his babysitter after being an absolute asshole to her and oh my god i am so invested in this masterpiece. whenever bella updates trauma i yell. i’ve re-read this many times already and i continue to find new reasons why i love this story with my whole entire being

Mr. Byun

bella once again proving that she writes the most amazing bbh fics. angst and smut combined i swear i was a whole lot worked up with all the spice in this one and then i cried like a baby when it ended. have i told you that i’m a very emotionally stable person?🤡

Bedazzling Heart of Gold by @baekonsforbreakfast

i love this song! baekhyun gets dumped and falls in love with oc who runs one of the biggest hostess bars in all of sk and holy crap you just love everyone in this fic. even that one character who you feel like you should hate but kind of still empathize with on a deeply emotional level. no? just me? ok then. i love you belle and i hope you know how much i enjoy your writing💗

Mr. Muscles by @chogi-wae

short and sweet drabble about oc biting jun’s bicep. no but for real i’ve read this one countless times and i just love a domestic jun so go ahead and read duality and dyson as well because nobody writes cute domestic fluff like jae ilysm

Money Makes Her Smile by @ninibears-erigom

mrs gom has written one of the dirtiest but also loveliest smut series of 2019. jongdae’s part was posted yesterday and holy fuck i have never read better jongdae smut ever i think

Business Before Pleasure by @pcychedelic

actor minseok! i repeat: actor minseok!

they get down and dirty in like the second chapter and i’m in love. not because of the obvious spiciness but because the amazing portrayal of minseok in this fic. love a strong female character? then you will love oc too!

High Voltage by @skyesins

SIN! THIS IS SIN! I LOVED EVERY SINGLE PART OF THIS FIC AND PART TWO IS EVEN BETTER!

there’s also the original ofc version on asian fanfics for those who aren’t into reader inserts and it’s just as good! 

Literally every single aesthetic that @kpop-daze has written but some favorites include exo as broken love / exo as ephemeral tenderness /  exo as fleeting heartbreak 

Unfitting by @heechulhamster

SOLDIER MINSEOK SOLDIER MINSEOK SOLDIER MINSEOK that is all

no wait... this has real descendants of the sun vibes and i love it so much can i have a soldier!xiu por favor

Fire and Frost by @writing-exo-things

queen of drabbles! i love every single one of them but this one is next level™ i cried like a baby this is truly amazing!!!

Take Care by @omyeol 

 g o d i felt this fic on a deeply spiritual and emotional level 

False Hope by @pastel-kpop

i hate you and i love you for writing this it still hurts reading this like YES MAKE ME HURT AYESHA THEY ARE IDIOTS 

Mocha by @stainandscribble  

the whole café series is lovely but mocha and espresso really stuck out to me i’m so soft for the whole aesthetic of these! 

ever imagined that jackson wang is your date to your brother’s wedding? well @softseunies did and it turned out fucking amazing! what i love the most is that it’s very open for interpretation and of course jackson is always a mood when will he be my date and mayhaps potential bf at the wedding of the brother i don’t have?

little forest by @myforeverforlife

I LOVE THIS! DO YOU HEAR ME?! L O V E THIS!

not his to love by @boogerines

can you hear me sobbing? this hurts so much let me go back to crying over this again after i re-read this for the nth time

this blurb right here is adorable @sprinklesofktrash did that!

wild valley by @fairyyeols

wild valley is that bitch™ and that’s all i have to say i live and breathe for this installation of exo customs my favorite, in fact

blossoms in the wind by @marshmallow-phd

don’t @ me but this goblin!au with junmyeon as the goblin and baekhyun as the grim reaper is more intriguing than the drama and that’s saying a lot but i cry with every new chapter ohmygoddddd

wrong number by @yeoldotcom

i’m a hoe for fake texts and zee makes the best ones🥺🥺🥺🥺

also love love love bf!jun in food buddies

break up with me by @exoangst

don’t mind me i’m just crying in a corner as i read this for the millionth time and cry over how well written oc is and how fucking amazing that breakup scene is like has anyone done it like that before? maybe, idk but this is the only one that counts 

#fic recs #2019 favorites #here it is! #I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH YOU'RE ALL AMAZING AND I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT #got carried away as usual but i love to support content creators on this hellsite #maybe i'll do this for other things as well? #drama recs anyone?

[captainofthebrokentides]

About Bloody Time! Michael Ragosa x OC

Ok so this is a long and gratutiously fluffy little story. I hope it doesn’t babble too  much, i got a bit carried away. As you can probably guess, it’s set during the episode parenthood! Please enjoy the candy floss sweet fluff. Let me know what you think!!

Bella didn’t think she had ever seen Ragosa so stressed. Not when he was administrator, not even the day he called her from his office crying because his eye surgeon had found a tumour.

At least then he’d talked to her. He’d talked to her way into the day, after their shift had finished. He'd cried and poured everything he was feeling into her in that moment, holding onto her so tight his knuckles were white. And Bella had been there for him, as best friends should be. She’d sorted through treatment plans with him, driven him to the operation, and had been there when he’d woken up from the anaesthetic. She waited on him, hand and foot in his home while he recovered, and they binged on ice cream and comedy movies.

She would prop him up and support him wholly when he came to her with his problems, but she couldn’t deal with the weird tense silence that was currently following him around.

He hadn’t even said hello when they were in the locker room together that evening. He’d just flung his bag into the locker, slammed the door and put his phone straight to his ear.

Now she stood behind the nurse’s desk, watching him as he paced back and forth on the other side of the wooden doors. Talking in quiet, heated Spanish on the phone.

“He alright?” Jordan asked, leaning up against the desk. Jordan had always been nice to Bella from the day Ragosa had gotten her the job and introduced her to the team.

“No. see that flexing thing he’s doing with his right hand? It’s a stress reaction. He used to do that a lot while him and Lydia were divorcing.” He was indeed opening and closing his fingers into a fist at a steady pace by his side. “He used to do it while we were at med school together too.”

Bella strained her ears, to see if she could pick up what he was saying.

“You can’t do this to my daughter, it’s her party in two days … I’ll uh … I’ll pay it off in instalments.” His head was drooped low in defeat. The pay cut down from administrator had really been doing a number on him, he could barely afford his rent and child payments to Lydia, he mostly ate at Bella’s house because she knew he couldn’t really afford to shop, but was too proud to mention it.

“Please, I’m begging you!”

Bella quickly left the nurse’s station and made her way over to Ragosa as he hung up and angrily slammed his fist into the wall, an angry, dejected look on his face.

“Michael” She said smoothly as she came up behind him. She put her hand on his shoulder, and he looked at her with sad eyes.

Jordan, who was still watching the display raised her eyebrows, and he raised his hands up to her “I’m sorry Jordan.”

“That’s ok” the dark haired doctor said with a soft smile. “Take 5?”

Ragosa nodded and leaned back against the wall with his eyes closed. He let out a painfully shaky breath.

It hurt Bella to see him hurting so much. Michael was doing so well, living his life the way he wanted. He was supposed to be happy. She trailed her hand down from his shoulder and took his hand in hers. She gave him a little reassuring squeeze. “You wanna grab a coffee? You look like you didn’t sleep much?” she asked gently, her words only loud enough for the pair of them to hear.

He opened his beautiful dark eyes, that were full of worry and gave her a weak smile.

“You know what I’d really like?” he was slightly hoarse. He rubbed his thumb over hers where their hands joined. “I’d like a hug.” He looked up at her through his thick dark eyelashes. He looked like a defeated little boy, and it broke Bella’s heart.

“How about a hug and a coffee?” she posed, grinning at him, opening her arms wide for him.

“Deal.”

 ***

“So” Bella blew on her latte, hoping to cool it down. They were sat on the roof, with their feet dangling over the edge. A place you would never have found him a few months ago when he was administrator. “Are you going to tell me what’s going on?”

Michael shuffled uncomfortably and knocked his head against the railing, he opened one beautiful brown eye and gazed up at her sadly. “I just lost the venue for Naomi’s birthday”

Now Bella understood. “Her Quinceanera?”

He rubbed a hand over his eyes, frustrated. “Mmmhmm, just with the pay cut and everything, it adds up. I maxed out all my cards. I have no money Bel.” He sniffed and rubbed at his eyes. “I’ve got two days Bel. I can’t fix this …” He looked down at his hands. “I can’t fix it.”

Bella’s heart hurt, watching the strong, wonderful man crumple like a wet tissue. She didn’t know what she could do to take his hurt away. She laid her hand on his knee and gave it a squeeze.

“She’ll be crushed Bel. She’ll never want to talk to me again. Lydia will kill me.”

“Heh. I never liked her.” Normally he’d have smiled, or come back with a quip about the feeling being mutual, but he just stared at the ground, pained. “I’m sorry sugar. I love you, and your kids.” She reached into her bag and took out her purse. Without a second thought, she handed him her credit card. “I don’t know how much is on here Mikey …”

He cut her off, pushing her card back to her, the look in his eyes was grateful.

“I can’t take that Bel. You do enough for me. I know how much you’ve scraped together on that card. You need that to live. Not bail me out of my problems.” He leaned over and kissed her on the cheek, his lips lingering on her skin longer than was probably appropriate for a kiss between best friends. “Thank you though. Your offer means the world to me. But I got myself into this mess, I’ll get myself out too.”

She blinked, trying not to feel hurt that he was taking on all the burden himself. “I’m here if you need me though. Don’t freeze me out, alright? You know I’ve always got your back.”

He gave her hand a little squeeze and offered her the most confident smile he could muster.

A wail of sirens broke them moment as three ambulances can screeching into the bay below them.

“Duty calls.” He said, standing and offering her his hand for balance,

Bella grumbled good naturedly and accepted. “And I haven’t even finished my coffee.”

 ***

A flash of orange and obnoxious clicking of high heels caught Bella’s eye, as the angry woman and teen stopped in the hallway where Ragosa was stood talking to a few colleagues. Bella and Jordan were going through and entering patient data onto the system not even a couple of feet away.

“Dad, is it true we’re not having my birthday party?”

“Ouch.” Jordan whispered, looking at Bella whose eyes were glued to the scene in front of her.

“Of course she’s here, she’d do anything to hurt and humiliate Michael.”

Jordan chuckled. “You really don’t like her, do you?”

Bella narrowed her eyes. “I never have.” She clenched a fist and struggled against her urge to storm over there. “She accused us of having an affair. Dumb bitch.”

Jordan raised her eyebrows, “Really? Well I guess you and Ragosa are close. And I could see it. I think you’d be cute actually.”

Bella didn’t say anything, but watched with gritted teeth as Michael tried to fight his corner against his angry ex wife and distraught daughter.

“I’m not taking crap for this Michael, you call and tell everyone it’s cancelled.” Lydia stormed out of the emergency room, not even glancing in Bella’s direction.

“I can’t believe this.” Naomi followed her mother, with her head down.

“Naomi! Honey!” Ragosa tried, but they flat out ignored him. He looked tired, unhappy and defeated. Bella’s heart hurt for him again.

He left the waiting room they had been fighting in and trudged over to Bella. His dark eyes brimmed with tears as he looked at her. “I fucked it up Bel.” He leaned into her like a small child seeking comfort. She wrapped her arms around him and stroked his hair soothingly, breathing in the fresh scent of his aftershave. “She’s going to hate me forever. I promised her everything. I’m such a bad father, I chose to follow my dream, but its going to alienate her.”

Bella pulled him away from her and held him at arm’s length, insisting he hold her dark gaze with his.

“You, Michael Ragosa, are not a bad father. You’re anything but.” He opened his mouth to protest, but she shushed him quickly. “Who are the people you think most about in your day? Every day?”

He shuffled his feet uncomfortably, but still maintained her eye contact, “My kids, you, my mother.”

She wanted to blush and cheer that she was in that list, and that she was always on his mind, but she pushed it down. “Exactly, your kids. They mean the world to you Mikey, and you try, you’ve been through so much, but no matter what you do, you fight for them. And that makes you an amazing father.”

“But the money”

“Money isn’t everything Mikey. You’ve always put everything on hold, for the whole fifteen years I’ve known you. Now it’s time for you. You get to explore who you are, and all the things you missed out on.”

Ragosa nodded, and wiped his eyes. “You’re right. I put off getting my eye surgery. I dropped out of med school – if I’d have carried on I wouldn’t be training in my 40s. I married the wrong girl.” His dark eyes flicked up to hers on the last item on his list.

Bella swallowed hard. He had married the wrong girl. During their days at med school they’d had so many near breakthrough moments where they should have thrown caution to the wind, kissed and confessed their love for each other, but they didn’t because he knew Lydia was safe and familiar. He didn’t want to risk his heart being broken.

“And you’re fixing it all, right?” she held her breath, unsure how he’d answer. She knew she’d never fallen out of love with Michael Ragosa over the years, even when she was engaged to her ex, which is why he was ex.

He looked at her with determination on his handsome face. “I’m trying.”

Bella nodded and gave him a soft smile. “How about you leave it to me? Let me talk to Naomi, you know we get on like a house on fire.”

He cupped her cheek in his hand, smoothing his thumb over her skin, and looked into her eyes. “love you.” His eyes were glassy and tears threatened to spill out of them.

“Love you too.” And she really did, he was her best friend, and she meant it wholeheartedly. “Leave it with me.”

He placed a chaste kiss on her cheek and grabbed a stack of files from the nurses’ station. “Check in at 3 for coffee?” he asked, walking backwards and still smiling at her.

“Of course, go on, go … before Topher has your ass for dawdling.”

“You know, I kind of see why she thought you were having an affair.” Jordan’s whispering voice cut through Bella’s reverie, she’d completely forgotten the dark haired doctor was stood there, watching the whole exchange.

“Jesus Jordan, I forgot you were there.”

“Yeah you were far too wrapped up in the Michael and Bella show.” She grinned good naturedly, letting Bella know she was only playfully teasing. “Seriously though, you two have so much chemistry, what happened? Why aren’t you together?”

“There was just never a right time, and then he married Lydia, and now it’s too late.”

“Says who, you never got married, you’re both single now …”

Bella sighed and rubbed her forehead. “It’s complicated. When you’ve been in unrequited love for what, eighteen years, it’s a hard pattern to break. But I’m still here for when he needs me. I always will be.” She thought for a second, tapping her fingernails on the desk, “Jordan, I know Michael and TC have had their differences in the past, but would you two help me?”

Jordan smiled at her widely and slammed a folder shut. “Of course, leave the venue to me. I’ve got a few contacts.”

Bella felt her heart swell. “Thank you Jordan, I really appreciate it.”

Jordan shrugged “What are friends for? And right now, Michael needs his friends.”

“That he does.” Bella confirmed, digging her phone out of her pocket and dialling Naomi’s phone number. After a few rings the teen picked up.

“Hola Bella.”

“Hey Naomi-bean.”

“What’s up?”

“I’m looking at a birthday gift for you honey, what’s your dress and shoe size?”

***

When the clock ticked round to 7 am Bella found Michael standing at reception, he looked tired and worn, with black bags under his eyes.

“Hey you, you ok?” she wrapped her arms around his waist and held him tight, her chin resting on his shoulder.

“Mmhmm I got one thing right tonight, I found the pacemaker Kristin needed.” He shrugged, half hearted.

“That’s a great job, don’t undermine yourself.” She gave him a squeeze and he turned in her embrace, so he could slide his arms around her.

“She’s right, enough of a pity party out of you.” Jordan said as she came up to stand beside the pair of them. “Everyone is going out to dinner tonight, why don’t you come?”

“Are you going?” Ragosa asked Bella, he turned his face to look at her. They were so close their noses touched and their breath mingled.

“Of course I’m going, dummy, and so are you. You need it.”

Michael smiled and rubbed the tip of his nose against hers in a sweet gesture before diverting his attention back to Jordan.

“I’m buying!” she said, in a sing song voice, hoping it would convince him more.

“Well if you’re buying, then I’m in.” Jordan grinned triumphantly. “I do have to go home and get some rest though.”

“I think that’s a good idea Sugar. You look exhausted.” Bella ran her fingers through his dark hair, and he closed his eyes enjoying the gesture.

“Are you heading home now?” he asked her.

“No, I’ve got a few last minute rounds and care plans to go through with Jordan, then I’ll head home.”

He nodded and placed a lingering kiss on her cheek, too tired to argue. “Ring me later?”

“Of course, now get out of here, Mikey, before you get roped into the day shift too.”

“Ok Ok, bye.” He headed towards the door, waving at them as he left, shoulders heavy and head slouched.

Bella and Jordan waited a minute, to make sure that he was actually gone before rounding up the remaining nightshift members.

“Ok guys! First, I want to thank you all for your help. I know Michael will really appreciate it and be grateful that we’re treating him as family.” Bella started, there was a murmur of agreement that rippled around the gathered doctors and nurses.

“So you’ve all got your assignments from either myself, Bella or Kenny.” There was nodding all round. “We don’t have very long to pull this off, So let’s work together and make this amazing!”

There was a cheer in response.

“I think we can do better than that!” Jordan heckled and held her hand behind her ear. The staff obliged and cheered louder.

Bella felt a warm fuzzy feeling of happiness and excitement building in her belly. She had a long day ahead, but every moment was going to be worth it.

 *** 17:00 ***

“You won’t let me go in?” Michael asked Bella, as he looked past her to the double doors of the Dew Drop Inn, that had been blacked out. “What’s going on?”

Krista and Drew came through the doors carrying pale pink balloon displays and placed them on either side of the entry way.

“I told you to leave it to me, didn’t I?” Bella laughed, her smile warm, as she held Michael’s face in her hands, keeping his attention on her. “Well me, and a few friends.”

The doors opened and almost the whole of the night shift spilled out into the entry way, dressed in party wear.

“What did you …” Ragosa breathed, his eyes widened, but he was cut off by the roar of motorbikes.

Bella dropped her hands to hold his and indicated the swarm of motorbikes coming towards them.

“Why don’t you see for yourself?” Bella was smiling like a maniac as the realisation dawned across Ragosa’s handsome face.

In the middle of the parade of Bikes was TC, with Naomi clinging onto his jacket, but grinning and having the time of her life. Everyone around the whooped and cheered as the entourage came to a halt in front of them.

Michael opened and closed his mouth a couple of times, speechless.

“You did this?” When he found his voice, Michael was astounded, his tone showing how impressed he was. He linked his fingers with Bella’s and squeezed.

“We all did, Mikey. You’re part of the family now. We look out for each other. And you know I’d never have let you go through this alone.” She squeezed his hand back and indicated Naomi who was getting off the back of TC’s bike. “I think your attention is supposed to be over there.” He walked towards his daughter, but looked at her again over his shoulder, dark eyes sparkling.

“Thank you. All of you!” He raised his voice loud enough for everyone to hear, they all whooped and hollered again in response.

TC lead Naomi over to Michael and he wrapped his arms around her in a big hug. “Happy birthday sweetheart.” He kissed the top of her head.

“This isn’t what I’d planned, but it’s still pretty cool!” the teen shrugged happily. “I got to ride on a motorcycle!”

“I see, I see” Michael said, eyeing TC with mock reproach. “Well I hope you enjoyed it, because it’s the last time you will!” he kissed his daughter on the forehead lovingly.

“But Bella used to have one, when you were in med school … You said she looked hot on it …”

“Oh-kay! Enough of that.” He cut her off with a wink and wide eyes. Bella, blushed and laughed.

Lydia cut her way through the crowd, glancing at Bella who fidgeted uncomfortably. “I’m not going to say I’m not still mad at you Michael, but you have some pretty amazing friends.”

Michael nodded at her, but didn’t say a word. He was determined to not spoil his princess’ special day.

“Ok everybody, let’s go inside!” Jordan shouted ushering everyone through the doors.

Bella stopped Michael and Naomi at the door, “You two have a wardrobe change. They’re hanging up in the bathrooms.”

Naomi made a squealing noise and pushed through the crowd desperate to get to her new dress.

Bella turned to go inside, but Michael grabbed her hand, holding her back so they were alone in the courtyard. “You never cease to amaze me. Do you know that?” He uttered, smoothing a loose piece of hair behind her ear.

“Everyone deserves to be happy Michael.” She took the palm of his hand in hers and placed a kiss in the centre of it. “Even you.” Breaking the moment with a bright smile, she pulled him towards the doors. “Come on, we’ve got a party to attend.”

He shook his head and followed after her into the building, chuckling to himself.

 ***

Bella had also changed, once the party had gotten underway. She wore a intricate gold 50s style swing dress, with matching shoes, which splayed out nicely on her bar stool as she watched Michael and Naomi perform their father daughter dance.

“They look happy.” Jordan said, claiming the seat next to Bella, and grabbing a drink from the bar top.

“They do, we really did an amazing job. Thank you for all your help. I don’t know how we’ll ever repay you for all of this.” Bella waved her hands around at the bustling room where everyone was chatting and dancing happily, Michael and Naomi in the centre.

“There’s no need. We’re a family. It’s what we do. Though you could do one thing?”

Bella drained the last of the champagne from her glass and placed it back on the bar. “What’s that?”

“The next song, you can get up and dance with him. Tell him how you feel.”

“I … can’t … I” Bella stumbled, shaking her head. Jordan reached out and took her hand kindly.

“You keep saying that Michael deserves to be happy. So do you. And I think nothing would make either of you happier, than if you realised how much you love each other.  Even an idiot could look at the two of you and realise you’re meant to be together.”

“She’s right. I’ve never seen two people I think should be together more.” TC agreed, coming over and stealing a mouthful of Jordan’s drink.

“I completely agree!” said Krista popping up from behind the bar and giving Bella a wink.

“Are we talking about Bella and Ragosa’s obvious chemistry?” Topher asked, joining the little group.

Bella laughed uncomfortably. “Where did you all come from?”

 The end beats of the song Michael had picked for their father daughter dance came to an end, and Naomi gave her father a hug, splitting off to mingle with her friends, who were ooing and ahhing over her pink silk and taffeta dress. Michael looked over the little group of his friends by the bar and grinned happily. He walked over to the DJ, talking to him quietly.

 “Never mind that. We think you should.” Drew agreed, passing new drinks out to everyone.

“You make it sound so easy. We’ve both been through so much.”

“And that’s why you need eachother.” Jordan countered with a knowing smile.

The opening beats of the next song started to play, and Bella felt her heart swell, and tears form in her eyes. Michael smiled at her from by the DJ, starting to cut his way through the crowd towards her.

“What?” asked Krista, seeing the dewey look in Bella’s eyes.

“He remembered.” Bella laughed, sniffing slightly. “’When you say nothing at all’ by Ronan Keating, I told Michael once I loved this song, and it would be my perfect first dance …”

“Do you need more of a sign?” Topher asked jokingly, dodging out the way when Bella swatted at him, laughing.

“May I steal her away?” Michael’s voice commanded her attention as he stood in front of her. their friends all nodded avidly. “Dance with me?” This time his question was aimed directly at Bella. His beautiful dark eyes searching for hers and his hand outstretched for her to take.

She took it without a word and let him draw her body into his. He wrapped one arm around the small of her back and held her and in his. Their faces were so close they could feel one another’s breath on their cheeks.

“You remembered.”

“Of course I did Bel, I remember everything you’ve ever said to me. You’re so special to me, you know. Whenever I need you, you’re there. You’re my shelter in any storm.”

They moved gently around the dance floor.

“You know when I tell you I love you, I mean it. Not in the platonic, you’re my best friend love, even though, I do and you are. I love you. I always have.”

She stopped them from moving, and leaned against him, looking up into his eyes.

“I’ve always loved you too. You are my person, you know that Mikey.”

Michael, smiled, and leaned down pressing his lips against hers, in a tentative kiss. Bella grabbed his lapels and pulled him to her, deepening his kiss. He wound his fingers into her hair, as he slid his tongue over her bottom lip, begging for entrance.

Cheering erupted from the night shift staff, and Bell and Michael pulled apart, looking at each other sheepishly.

“It’s about bloody time!” Naomi called from across the room with a big grin on her face.

@reelovesbennycolon​

#michael ragosa #michaelragosa #michael ragosa x oc #Michael Ragosaxreader #the night shift #the night shift imagines #freddy rodriguez #jordan alexander #tc callahan

[mouseclub]

hi! i took your quiz and got "i hear a symphony" and i'm curious about the other results, but taking the quiz repeatedly is a hassle. could you post them or something? idk man

if you’d like me to, then sure!! fair warning though, i can’t remember if i mentioned it in the results page but the rest are nowhere near as pretty and are mostly kindof silly stories and memories about weird things that have gotten me disproportionately emotional lol. either way, i’ll put them all under the cut :)

claire de lune (but specifically from the danganronpa v3 ost)

CONTEXT: i'm the type that can listen to a song on repeat for literal hours while drawing/writing but one time i listened to this for around 40 minutes while making a drv3 animatic and it ended up throwing me into an existential crisis so fuckin hard i started questioning what i was doing with my life and why i was drawing and i had to turn everything off and go to bed. what this says about you is up for interpretation. godspeed

fuyunohanashi - given

CONTEXT: the last few episodes of given were coming out when the 19-20 school year started and the episode with this song in it came out while i was in class. naturally, i sat there in my 7th period AP lang class and watched it on my phone. problem is, the scene when this song is played shatters me like 50 stacked panes of glass under a hydraulic press and i needed to cry but couldn't because the room was PIN-DROP SILENT. needless to say the moment class was over i made a run for it and cried like a little baby to my confused but ultimately supportive friends. you're a core high school memory and an Emotionally Taxing Bop and you remind me both of wintery cool tones and the silly school memories i wish i hadn't taken for granted. like a snow day except i'm from california so i've never had that sauce. i respect it regardless

everything she wants - wham

oh god the memories. this one was from when i was really head over heels obsessed w this dude and at my peak yearning hours i wrote a wattpad journal entry saying i was gonna listen to this song on repeat until i "fell out of love with him." i forget the details but i guess i did? what this says about you i have absolutely no idea but the song is still a whole vibe and you remind me of funky shades of pink and purple so i respect u immensely

unforgettable - natalie & nat king cole

this ones SUPER fuzzy in my brain but the weird nostalgia from my childhood combined with the weird movie end-credits vibes of this song make me forget that i'm a person when i'm listening. plus the weird calmness but sense of Oh God This Feels Like It Belongs At The End Of A Movie makes me feel like im about to get game-ended which is unnerving. probably the most subtle yet deeply cursed entry in this quiz. i see you

this side of paradise - coyote theory

CONTEXT: this song reminds me very specifically of a few of my comfort characters/ocs and when i heard it the first time it shattered me like glass (but in the good way). im telling you right now youre a BEAUTIFUL soul this is the one entry that's in here not because i was overwhelmingly sad but rather overwhelmingly Oh God Im So Fucking Soft And I Need To Cry About It For Twenty Minutes. anyways i care you thanks for quizzing

jet lag - nct 127

CONTEXT: last summer i got on a flight for the first time since i was a small child and i was STUPID scared but i listened to this during takeoff all 4 flights and let me tell you. did not help. the song itself is chill and you probably are too, but there's always a lingering sense of dread underneath i simply can't shake. do with all this information what you will.

verbatim - mother mother

i used to listen to this song to cheer up bc the lyrics are Haha Funny and it fucking bops but then i got evicted from my childhood home and it... stopped working. this breakdown is one of my core memories so congrats! ur one of the only motherfuckers in this joint that can handle me. if you take anything away from this know your vibes are IMMACULATE and i appreciate you

heaven - exo

CONTEXT: my synesthesia used to go absolutely bananas to this song bc its so YELLOW and the shapes that bounce around in my brain are very pleasant, but a few years ago i was writing fanfic and i wrote the scene where i killed off a character to this song on repeat for an hour and it has never been the same since. it's like when you look at something's surface and it looks pristine but you just Know there's something writhing underneath... but a less intense version of that feeling, because i know it's just the memory i tie to it that makes me feel this way and the yellow vibes cancel it out yknow

scrawny - wallows

this one's pretty short and stupid. i started thinking about a stupid anime boy that i thought had basically died while listening to this song and fuck bro. he really was a scrawny motherfucker w a cool hair style. cue the waterworks. but then after an entire day of on and off mourning i found out he turned out ok and stopped. no i will not elaborate on which boy i am holding onto my last shred of dignity here. what this says about you i'm not sure BUT youre probably cooler than me and your vibes are immaculate i know it in my heart

i hear a symphony - cody fry

this breakdown was yesterday! i was reccommended this song by a friend and immediately fell in love, but it didn't fully hit until the song's climax. and let me tell you. it BROKE me. the a capella beginning, with the piano slowly coming in, then the strings, and suddenly it's growing and crescendoing and-- there it is. my synesthesia goes wild and i lack the language to describe what it looks like other than absolutely grandiose and gold and christ i'm rambling but despite it's simplicity-- or maybe BECAUSE of its simplicity-- if love were a song, it'd be this one. almost all of the other entries are funny anecdotes where i seem to cry about the silliest things but this one i genuinely cannot come up with a joke for and i'm probably biased right now because i'm listening to it on repeat again but damn. you won. you're golden.

#ask #uquiz

[kweebtrash]

hate u love u (M)

Messy After Story

Pairing(s): OC X Johnny

Genre: College AU, Fuckboy AU, Smut, ANGST

Summary: Fuckboys are basically good for one thing. You hit it and quit it- except when his voice draws you in, his body keeps you there, and dumb ass feelings linger making things particularly messy.

Warnings: really sad fucking shit, talks about suicide attempts, drug addiction, alcoholism, talks about death, jealousy and insecurities

Features: contraceptives, smidge of a size kink, grinding, face riding & face fucking, sex tapes, choking, sex toys, anal fingering/fucking, thigh grinding, double penetration, creampies, rough fucking, trying some new shit and being kinda awkward and weird but also having some kind of slutty conversations

Word Count: 17.6k

A/N: ok this is the last one I promise😉 this is really fucking angsty and I teared up at some parts writing it so sorry in advance. Also there's a lot of smut. Like 6.5k worth of smut/smutty conversations. Also, i’m going to edit this in a little while so don’t @ me if you see mistakes. I’m gonna fix them probs tomorrow. I’m just tired.

Messy Masterlist  Other Stories   Johnny Only Masterlist

I didn't talk to him. For weeks. I couldn't. I was so angry. So hurt. So devastated. He didn't tell me where he applied to, must have been because he was running around so much for his gallery and all that shit. But a fucking heads up would have been nice. I didn't see him off at the airport. I tossed his shit in a box and kicked it to the back of my closet. I cried. I screamed. And at last it wasn't anger anymore. It was hurt. It was pain. It was missing him every. Single. Night. The pain was beginning to swallow me whole and I had no idea what else I should do, or could do. He was halfway across the country and I wasn't in his arms anymore. My pillows were tear stained, my floor covered in snot filled tissues, leftover wrappers, and dirty clothes. Everything was harder without him.

I sat cross legged in the middle of my bed as I chewed on my thumbnail and stared at my phone in front of me. I had reopened all the unanswered texts he had sent me. The "baby, please talk to me," the "baby, I'm sorry," the "princess, daddy needs you. Please." I couldn't cope enough to give him an answer. But now...now I felt too empty. I snatched my phone and dialed his number. My heart pounded so hard in my chest that I could feel the blood rushing to my ears. It went to voicemail. I dropped my phone and covered my face, preparing for another round of tears. My phone vibrated against my leg and I saw his number flash across the screen. I answered it instantly and for the first time in a long time I heard his sweet deep voice. It felt like a warm blanket had been wrapped around me and I sighed.

"Eri." He said sharply.

The blanket disappeared. "H-hi…"

I heard him chewing on something then swallowing. "What?"

"What do you mean what?"

"Why are you calling me?"

"I can call my boyfriend, can't i?"

"Am I your boyfriend?" The questioned stunned me. Of course he was. Why wouldn't he be? We didn't break up we just…

"Y-yes?" My voice trembled. "Yes. Yes, you are."

"Hmm." He chewed again. "Didn't feel like I was."

"I was...upset."

"Yeah, no shit."

I wanted to fucking cry. He didn't even seem to care at all. "I m-miss you. A lot. And I...I wanted to see how you were doing."

"Oh, now you want to?" I heard him cover the phone and call out to someone, though it was all muffled. "You can do it only at your convenience?"

"I just want to see you. Can I see you?"

"You're gonna fly here? And who's gonna pay for that shit? You're gonna make Quinn do it?"

The tears started to fall again, as quick as a waterfall in a rainforest. "N-n-no. I can do-do it on my own. Do you want me t-there?"

"You're crying."

I stopped talking for a moment, knowing that my voice was going to jump a few octaves and turn into an indecipherable squeak.

"Eri."

"Y-yeah?" I sniffled and wiped my nose with my shirt sleeve. Now it was his turn to stay quiet, save for his fucking chewing. "What in God's name are you eating right now?"

"Shrooms." He swallowed.

What? Like…? "You mean-?"

"Yeah, so anyway, I don't know if you should come here, you know? Seeing as how you didn't talk to me for basically a month and now you're thinking it's okay to call me in the middle of a party and make me feel a bunch of shit. That's pretty cool right? That's pretty fun, right? I'm gonna hang up now."

The line went silent and so did my entire world.

--

I pretended to smile when I was around Quinn. I pretended that I was supportive of Johnny and so happy for him. I only cried when they were over at Jae's house. I hadn't let them in my room and see what a disaster it was. It was closed at all times. I tried my best to keep up my facade and hoped that Johnny had too. If Jae knew anything it would fuck everything up and all would have been for naught. I didn't know how to ask him or if I really even should. Maybe I was keeping up this glamour for myself. So I could pretend that everything was fine and lie to myself instead of Quinn. Maybe it was all for the sake of my sanity.

I had found a slightly better job and quit the Italian restaurant. This one paid more and all I had to do was sit as a desk and listen to people complain about their orders and why it wasn't there on time. It was annoying to take so many calls a day and even worse for my fucking mood disorder. Hearing these people whine fucking drove me up the wall and I chain smoked every lunch break to try and keep it together. I couldn't lose this job. Because it paid so much more than I was used to I was finally able to set money aside. My savings account was looking pretty decent and that was why I wanted to go see him. I could afford to and maybe we could talk it out.

I was on my fourth cigarette since I got home and a quarter into my bottle of bourbon when I got a call. I wasn't really paying attention to who it was, i just answered when I heard the buzzing. "Yeah?"

"Hey."

It was him. I fumbled and almost spilled my paint cup that was filled with swirls of reds and purples. I managed to stop it from falling over and ruining the current piece I was working on. I kicked the canvas away gently and wiped my hands on my already paint covered thighs. "U-uh...um...h-hi."

"What are you doing?"

"Nothing, just uh…" I swayed a little and leaned back against my bed to support myself. I was starting to get the spins. "Just chilling in my room. Why?"

"Talk to me."

"Are you high?"

"Not right now, no." His voice sounded raspy, as if he had just woken up.

"Where are you?"

"My bed. Where are you? Oh...wait. You already said that."

"Are you ok?" I asked.

"Are you?"

"No."

"Me either."

He cleared his throat. "'m sorry about last night. I was at a party and-"

"Since when have you started doing other drugs?"

"Hm? Oh...I mean...it wasn't the first time. I've done it before."

"And you never told me?"

"It was before we met. Don't worry about it. You still drinking?"

"Yeah, I'm still fucking drinking." I scoffed.

"I know. I can hear it in your voice. You're getting there."

"Yeah, well...shit happens."

"You really want to come here?"

"Do you really want me there?"

He took a deep breath and went silent again. "Yes."

"You sure?"

"Yes."

"I can be there. I can ask for time off. I have enough vacation time."

"Come here. Come to me. Be in my arms. Be on top of me..." He exhaled slowly. "Kiss me."

"It still hurts Johnny."

"I fucking know that already. Trust me."

"Have you told Jae about what's going on with us?"

"No, not really. Told him I've been busy. That I love him. That kind of stuff."

"I haven't told Quinn. I kinda just...pretend."

"You always pretend."

"And you don't?" I snapped 

"Of course I do." He chuckled. "We always pretend that everything's okay. And that's when we tip back a drink or smoke and destroy ourselves together. Don't you remember? That night after we fucked...we just sat against the wall of the bedroom and drank half a bottle of whiskey and just laughed about shit. I got high and you smoked like half a pack. And then I ate you out so good you came twice."

I pulled my knees to my chest and buried my face in them. I hadn't expected him to say that, to bring that up. "I laughed so hard and cried until I had a mental breakdown."

"Yup. And what did we do after?"

"You wiped my tears and fucked me again and I held onto you so fucking tight because I didn't want you to let me go."

"I remember the scratches. Those weren't orgasmic scratches. Those were in pain scratches."

"I know." I sniffled and punched the side of my thigh over and over so I could redirect my thoughts to not crying.

"Come here. I want to have another night like that with you."

"That was a bad night Johnny…"

"It was and it wasn't. The bad stuff makes us closer and we understand each other better."

"I don't want a bad night. I want a good night. I want only good night's with you."

"We'll have good night's. We will. We'll talk about shit...that's what you want right?" He asked.

"You need to want it to johnny!"

"I do want it! Don't fucking yell at me! I mean I'm fucking asking you to come here. What else do you think I want?"

"Fine, I'll fucking get a ticket tonight and I'll go for like a week."

"Fine. Fucking sounds good to me."

"Fine!" What the hell was happening? We're we mad about seeing each other or not? I laid down on the floor and set the phone down, putting it on speaker. My head was hurting so much and now I had to ask for time off and plan everything by myself. "Can I come at any time or do you have to ask for time off?"

"I can get a couple days off. The rest I might have to work but you can sleep in and I'll be back by the time you wake up. Maybe come on a Thursday and leave on a Wednesday? I don't work weekends unless there's an event and I don't have a weekend event for a bit."

"Ok, I'll ask my job and I'll buy the ticket as soon as I know."

"'mmkay. Sounds good."

We were quiet again and I hated it. "I guess I'll talk to you later." I said, bitterly.

"Okay...if you wanna. I love you, yeah?"

It was the first time I had heard him say it in a long time and it made my heart clench and I started crying again. Goddammit, I could fill a fucking ocean with how much i cried for this man. I went back to hitting my thigh to try and distract myself from it. "I love you too."

"Do you want to...stay on the phone with me, maybe? I haven't heard what's going on with you. You haven't really posted on IG or anything in awhile."

"I don't want people to really look into my life right now. I've been kind of a recluse… You're...partying I guess."

"Ehh, kind of. Every once in awhile. I still have to keep my job right?" He chuckled. "It's been um...really rough without you."

"Yeah I...we...yeah…" He cleared his throat again and I heard him sniff a bit. "Johnny don't you dare."

I heard his voice crack and that was the end. We were two fucking cry babies thousands of miles away from each other and wanting to give up everything just to be together. I wanted to make it work with him. I loved him too damn much to give up now.

--

I was nervous when I stepped out of the airport. California had a weird vibe to it and I wasn't sure if I liked it or not yet. I could deal with cities, hell I lived in one for like half my life, but this was weird, even for just an airport. I looked around trying to find Johnny from the directions he had texted me. I felt so lost and was ready to call him until I saw him looking around as well. "Johnny!"

His head whipped around and a big smile beamed on his face. I ran to him, almost dropping my luggage because I really didn't care anymore. I just wanted him. He gave me a monstrous hug and spun me around, squeezing me as tight as he could. I almost couldn't breathe. His arms felt so much stronger, especially when I grabbed onto his biceps.

He set me down and cupped my face to kiss me hard, before I could even say anything. I had almost forgotten how warm and soft his lips were and definitely got harshly reminded of how much his tongue filled my mouth. Jesus...why did he feel so much bigger? "A-ahmm...j-johnny u-um…"

"Hmm?" His hands were already grabbing at my hips and I pawed him away.

"We're in public, you slut."

"Sorry, sorry. I couldn't help it. You-" He stopped mid sentence and looked me over. I stood up a bit straighter unsure of what he was looking for 

"What?"

"You're skinny."

"Excuse me?"

"Like skinnier. You were kinda chubby before I left."

"EXCUSE ME?!"

"No! I mean, like, it's not a bad thing I just-! Like you look hot! I mean you looked hot before too but-"

"Stop fucking talking before I get on that plane and go right the fuck home." I growled.

"Ugh, I'm sorry. That came out all wrong. What I meant to say was that...you look beautiful."

"Yeah that better be what you meant to say, asshole." I punched his arm but shook my knuckles out immediately after. Why was it so damn hard? Now it was my turn to give him the once over and I realized he was bigger. Definitely more filled out and muscular. His pants were straining at his thighs, like usual but even more so. His arms were more defined and he looked like he could throw me against a wall and I would say thank you. I could clearly see the veins in his arms and I was ready to die right there. "O-oh…" was all I managed to squeak out.

"What? Wait are you checking me out now?" He laughed. "You think I'm fat?"

"No…" I shifted, a bit self conscious of myself now. "You're hot, like always." How many girls had tried to hit on him since he moved here? Ugh, I never thought of something like that before. I wasn't really the jealous type...was I? Well...maybe a little.

He picked up my luggage and put an arm around my shoulders. "Cmon, we've got to check into the hotel."

"Hotel? Why aren't we just staying at your place?" I asked.

"Uh...well...I just wanted it to be special you know? Just me and you."

"Oh you have roommates?"

"Sorta…"

Suddenly I was staring in front of an ugly ass blue van with rust stains on the bottom and scratches along the doors. I was even more surprised when Johnny shoved a key into the lock and slid back the door. I peeked in as he set my luggage behind the passenger seat and saw a mattress in the back, a tension rod holding his clothes up on the opposite door and all his tech stuff hidden beneath the back seat. Curtains covered most of the windows and there was a huge bag of laundry behind the driver's seat. "Ready?" He asked.

I looked at the van then at him then at the van again. "Are you living out of your fucking car?"

"No, well...yes and no. Not entirely. Rent here is kind of ridiculous and I promised jae I would still pay my half of the rent for the apartment while I was gone. So I pay for that, the car, the insurance, my gym membership so I can work out and get ready in the morning there, and then sometimes I stay at my friend's place when I need to cook or do laundry. Hence the...hotel." He cleared his throat and shut the door quickly. "Well, let's get in."

I couldn't believe this. He went all the way to California for this?? What the absolute fuck? He opened the door for me and I stepped in without another word because I knew that if I talked I would say something I would regret. He got into the driver's seat and cut the engine on, leaving a trail of exhaust fumes behind us. He held my hand and stroked his thumb across the back of it, still smiling as he drove  "Are you hungry?"

"No, not right now. Maybe we can order something later? I'm a bit jetlagged." I lied.

"Yeah, whatever my princess wants."

I felt my cheeks flush a bit when I heard him say that. It was different in person than over text and it still made me shiver. I looked over at him as he drove one handed. He was still so heart stoppingly gorgeous and even though I had a bunch of questions and irritations about the van I realized that wasn't what was important right now. I was with my Johnny and we were trying to make things right again. That was what was most important. I gave his hand a squeeze and closed my eyes, letting him take us to where we needed to go. When we got to the "hotel" however, I found that it was just a generic motel chain and not anything remotely nicer. It was a bit of a let down and I tried not to be too materialistic but damn if I didn't want this to be a little more special. He opened the door for me and got my luggage out. We went to our room which was just a small ways from the car. The inside was plain, brown, white sheets on the bed. Nothing spectacular. He went back to get his own bag and lock the car before both of us were in the room, alone at last. 

I kicked off my wedges and sat on the bed which seemed a little too hard for my liking. We were quiet for a moment. I was too busy staring at my feet dangling off the bed to notice that he was now in front of me, pushing me down gently and crawling on top of me. "Hey." He whispered as he pushed my hair back and ran his fingers down the side of my face.

"H-hi." I looked at him then drove my eyes away.

"Do you want to kiss me?"

"I want to do a lot of things to you." I confessed.

"Oh yeah? Like what?" He teased before placing soft pecks against my lips. "Tell me."

"Um...can I just go freshen up a bit?" I squirmed away from him and wiggled myself off the bed. 

"Um...ok. Are you alright? Do you not want to?" He reached his hand out to me and I just patted it awkwardly.

"No I do I just...give me a couple minutes, ok?"

"Sure, babe…"

I grabbed my luggage and sped to the bathroom, almost a hyperventilating mess. I was so nervous! Why the fuck was I nervous? He's my boyfriend. He's seen me every which way. He's put me in all sorts of positions. We've made so many messes and yet...my stomach was churning and I was getting butterflies just thinking about him being so much bigger than I was and looking down at me. It just reminded me of our first hookup almost an entire year ago. Jesus, we had known each other for a year? I took a deep breath and looked at myself in the mirror. Ok, just...get ready for a sexy night like normal. You can do this Eri.

I took a quick shower, washing just the important parts and making sure not to get water on my face. I didn't want to do my entire makeup look all over again. Once I was done I brushed my teeth, reapplied some of my makeup and made sure I smelled like a yummy dessert with the perfume and lotion I put on. I was constantly wondering if I was doing too much but it was whatever. I was going to make sure he was reminded of what had been waiting for him back home. I slipped on my new half shelf bra that barely held me in and his favorite garter and thigh high set that had to be washed so many times because of how much he came on them. I gave myself the once over and made sure I looked ok before cracking the door open slightly.

He had pulled his shirt over his head and I could see every dip and ripple of his back muscles as he worked to undo his belt and shuffle his jeans down. I had to squint just to be sure but it looked like he was wearing red silk boxers. This whole nerd. I fussed over myself one last time before opening the door completely. I had expected him to still be standing but he was sprawled out in some cheesy "sexy" pose with a plastic rose in his mouth until his jaw dropped. "Oh my god, what are you doing, you dork?! Where's you get that flower from?"

He spit and wiped his mouth. "It was in the vase over there. I think it had dust on it. I didn't realize and...wow."

"Why are you such a dummy?" I crawled onto the bed and sat beside him, blushing still. "So...what do you think?"

"I can't think. What is thinking? Boobs." He made no point in hiding his staring.

I shoved his head away playfully. "Idiot. Yes, my boobs are here for you to look at."

"Touch."

"Yes, that too. Oh my god." I grabbed him by his chin and tilted his head up for a kiss. "I missed how much you make me laugh."

"I missed…" He grabbed my thighs and pulled them from beneath me so he could take his place above me again once I fell onto my back. His hands joined mine and pinned them beside my head. "Everything about you."

"I have a few rules for tonight." 

"Oh? Is there something you don't wanna do?"

"The opposite. Your rules are that you have to make me squirt, you have to choke me, you have to let me ride your face, you have to AT LEAST finger my ass, and if you do all that you can cum in me every time."

His eyes went wide. "Ev-every time? You'd let me do that?"

"Yeah, I took some extra precautions."

"Like what?"

"Well one, I just got my new birth control implant in so my arm doesn't fucking hurt anymore and two I got spermicide film."

"Yah what?"

I rolled my eyes. "Basically it's something I put on the inside and it kills the sperm on contact. So no cretins running around. We just have to wait a bit for it to dissolve but that's what foreplay is for, right?"

"Mhmm…" He licked his lips and started pressing kisses down my neck. "You're fucking amazing. I can't wait to fill you up so damn good."

"Eww don't say that." I giggled and smooshed his face away then rolled over onto my stomach beneath him. He instantly set his bulge against my ass and ground into me.

"Wait do I really have to finger your ass?" He said in between kisses across my shoulders and down my back.

"It would be nice since you still haven't done it yet. And I told you it's not "icky" like you think it is."

He groaned. "Ok, if I do it you swear I can cum in you?"

"Absolutely promise, love. I even bought toys to help you out. I mean, you love my ass so much why don't you play with it?"

"Ok, ok, fine. I'll agree to it. But just this once."

"Trust me, you'll want to do it again." I smirked as backed myself up against him, rubbing over the front of his boxers. "I like the silk by the way. Super cute."

He groaned and gripped my hip roughly, pressing into the spot that always drove me wild. I let out a small whimper and shoved my face into the mattress as my body felt tingly all over. "What toys did you bring?" I could hear the smirk in his voice as he continued to grind and keep his weight on top of me.

"U-um, just a vibrator, some lube, and a-ahh! Hmm...a dildo. Some other stuff."

"Why the dildo?" He nipped at my ear and traced his tongue over my lobe.

"I thought maybe if you didn't want to um...fuck me there I could just play with it."

"Your ass, you mean?"

I gripped the sheets tighter and rocked back harder against him. He hadn't let go of my hip and I was already getting flushed all over. "Uh-huh."

"How big is it?" He worked me onto my knees and spread them as wide as my hips would allow. His fingers had all the access he wanted to work up and down my slit, feeling the wetness that had just begun to form.

"U-um like...7 inches or-" I shuddered and wanted to snap my legs shut when he teased my entrance with a small poke. "S-so…"

"You can take all that there?"

I nodded. "I've done it before. I just need a little bit of help is all."

"And that help is me stretching you open?" He dipped the entirety of his finger inside me now and I bowed my back, hissing slightly. "Why are you so needy right now?"

"Well I haven't had sex since you left. Why the fuck do you think I'm needy? Aren't you the same?"

He didn't answer me and instead thrust his finger in deeper. "You're so small, you know that? You look extra tiny right now."

"We get it, Suh, you have a size kink." I grumbled and tried to move back on his finger but he pulled it away.

"You gonna behave?"

I pouted and gave him a glare. "Don't you dare tease me. That's not part of the rules."

"Let me implement some of my own rules then. One, I get to tease you all I want and I mean taking hours just to lick and kiss you everywhere and not letting you cum at all. Two, you let me face fuck you. Did you bring that spray stuff?"

I scoffed and looked away. "Tch, yeah...or whatever."

"Good. Three, let's make a movie."

I shot up entirely and shoved him away. "WHAT?!"

"Don't make it a big deal. It's just for you and me only. I'm lonely without you here and I can watch it when I miss you the most."

"It is a big deal! Don't you remember what fucking happened to me?!" I yelled.

"Yeah but I'm not stupid or an asshole. I'm your boyfriend. I don't even want anyone to look at you sexually let alone see you naked or getting rawed. I'd be furious. This is just for you and me."

"N-no...i-i don't know, Johnny. If we break up i-"

"We're not breaking up...I thought we were but I'm glad we're not." He wrapped his arms around me and kissed my shoulder. "It's not getting uploaded anywhere. It's going on my password protected photo app. No one can get into it but me. I swear, Eri."

"What if I want to stop it?"

"Then we stop it, duh. There's no reason to keep going if you're uncomfortable. We can at least try it for a bit. We're both doing new things tonight. We can celebrate."

"And if I don't like it, you'll delete it right?"

"You can delete it from my phone yourself. You're safe with me babe. Trust me." He held me tighter and nuzzled his face against against my neck.

"I'm nervous…"

"What? Don't be! It's just me, princess. I make you feel good, don't I?" I nodded meekly and played with the band of my thigh highs. "We can get going for a bit then I'll turn it on so that way you're really feeling it. Sound good?"

"O-ok." I agreed, still a little reluctant. But he was right. Maybe we could at least try.

"Good," He laid down, stuffing pillows behind his head and beckoning me over. "Come here, angel."

I shuffled over to straddle him, setting my knees on either side of his head. I propped my hand on the wall and looked down at him as he licked his lips. His arms wrapped around my thighs and held me in place. His face was buried against me in no time, diving his tongue into me as his nose brushed against my clit. I sucked in a sharp breath and let my other hand fall into his hair. "J-johnny, fuck...I missed your tongue."

He only hummed against me and flicked his tongue faster, slurping lewdly and licking up the length of my slit. His hands slid up and down my thighs, over my hips and stomach, and towards my chest. He grabbed each of my breasts and squeezed, rubbing his thumbs over my nipples. My fingers fisted his hair and pulled as I needed him more and more. I rocked my hips against his face, already feeling the effects he had on me. He parted for just a moment to take in a breath. "Just a sec."

"S-sorry, I didn't mean to-"

"It's ok. I'm fine now. You taste good. I want more."

"Shut up. No I don't. You're just say-" I gasped as he devoured me further. He caressed my body, hands flowing back down so his thumbs could spread my lips apart. The tip of his tongue painted intimate patterns into me, making me shudder and moan his name loudly. I didn't care anymore if I was loud or not. I needed this like it was my own personal drug. My toes dug into the mattress as I rolled my hips faster, getting closer to falling over the edge. He pulled away again and I figured he needed more air but instead he pushed my hips downward, making me rest over his boxers. "What the hell?!" I pouted.

"Grind on me."

"I was about to cum."

"Didn't I say that I get to tease you without making you cum at all? Now start." I huffed and slid his boxers off, revealing the girth underneath. I worked my hand over the length, wrapping my fingers around his shaft and giving him a good squeeze. "Not what I asked for."

"Fuck off." I hovered over his cock and planted my hands on his chest before I rode my wetness up and down from head to base. His eyes closed and his head fell back into the pillows, his whole body relieving itself of tension. I loved watching him sink into bliss; seeing that shit eating grin on his face because he knew he was getting what he wanted. He settled his hands behind his head and chuckled a bit as my hole brushed over the most sensitive part of him. I teased him by sinking down onto his tip, just a few centimeters or so, before sliding back down and never letting him enter me. Johnny knew that I would tease him just as much as he would tease me. Two could always play that game of course.

I pressed my chest to his, lowering myself just close enough that I could lick his lips. I swiped my tongue across his bottom lip and he easily let me in. Our tongues collided and I drew his in to suck on deeply. It morphed into deeper kisses where I could scarcely breathe and we would exchange licks and sucks in the dirtiest ways. One of his hands grabbed the back of my head while the other grabbed my ass, controlling all of my movements. I was his to fuck, his to play with, and his to love unconditionally. I managed to break away from him for a moment, panting against his lips. "Do you want to be inside me now?"

"Hmm, in a bit. Let me get my tripod. Get up."

Oh right. That. I scooted off him and wiped my lips that were still tender. I could taste myself on his tongue and wondered why he liked it so much. I unhooked my bra and tossed it aside before heading back to the bathroom where I had left my luggage. I dug through my clothes and pulled out all the naughty things I had brought with me, taking them back to the bed. His phone was all set up on the tripod ready to go.  "Tell me what I should do first." I propped myself on all fours, waiting for his answer. 

"Better get the spray out." He smirked.

"Of course, you slut." I spritzed a bit of the numbing spray into my mouth, wincing at the overly strong peppermint taste. "Blegh. It feels like toothpaste down my throat."

"Well hopefully my dick will make it better." He tapped record on his phone and told me to come to the edge of the bed. I was just at the perfect height for where he wanted me and I opened my mouth, sticking my tongue out. His gripped his base and rubbed the head of his cock against my tongue, swirling it a bit. I wrapped my lips around him and suckled on the sensitive area and the soft curse he let out warmed every inch of my skin. I set my hands on his hips and flowed back to grab a hold of his ass to steady myself.

He thrust into my mouth, slowly at first, getting me used to the stretch within my lips. Every few minutes or so he would push in further until he touched the back of my throat. It was a slightly uncomfortable feeling but I didn't gag thanks to the spray. Instead he remained nestled in for a while until he looked down at me. "Ready?"

I was already thinking about how sore my throat was going to be tomorrow but I nodded against him. He gripped the back of my head with both hands and pulled out slowly before plunging straight in. I dug my nails into his skin as my nose brushed against his lower stomach and he destroyed my throat. He didn't let up on his speed and I struggled to breathe through my nose. I squeezed my eyes shut as I felt tears already prickling at the corners of my eyes. He fumbled through obscene curses and almost incoherent mumbles, the pleasure of my mouth wrapped around him seeming to drive him insane. I tapped on his hip, signaling to let me go. He pulled out completely and I worked to clear the saliva between us.

He dragged his thumb across my lips to clean me up as well. "You okay?" I nodded and swallowed hard. "You sure?" I nodded again and pulled him back to me, opening my mouth for another round. "Good girl."

My body lit up at the praise and I held my head a little higher, squaring myself and gripping the edge of the bed. He worked his way back in, feeding himself into me and wreaking havoc on my taste buds. I managed to look up at him and realized he had been staring down at me the whole time. I darted my eyes away though he tapped my chin to get me to look back up. His big hand was suddenly engulfing my throat and added accompanying pressure to the point where I felt light headed. "You look so good like this, you know that?" I heard him say. My body was almost swaying and I tried to keep my frame firm but it wasn't any use. My eyes fluttered closed and I leaned into his hand until my breath was non existent. "Eri?" My hearing was fuzzy but I felt myself wanting to smile, whether I was doing it or not, I didn't know. The feeling of not being able to breathe and floating into an unconscious space was always thrilling but I was ripped from me just as it started getting good. 

He pulled back again, letting his grip on me fade and I took in a large gulp of air, falling into a coughing fit. He walked away from me to go to the mini fridge within our room and get a small bottle of water. He handed it to me and I took it graciously, downing it in seconds. He stopped the recording and sat down beside me. "You good? You looked like you were going to faint or something. I got scared."

"I'm okay, I just got lightheaded."

"Fuck, it was too much then, wasn't it?"

I leaned against his shoulder and giggled. "No, I like getting lightheaded when I'm being choked."

He scoffed. "Of course you do. Don't scare me like that though, ok? Maybe were not completely ready for the face fucking." 

"I'm sorry, baby. I liked it, I really did and I didn't think I would. It's just kinda like another form of choking." I nudged my head just under his chin and rubbed his broad chest. "Maybe we can try again a little later too?"

"It was pretty hot. You looked so damn good." He licked his lips then kissed me briefly before commanding me to lay down. He made me hold my legs open while he retrieved the bottle of lube from the small pile of things I had brought over. I watched as he added a small glob to his fingers and pressed it to my rim. "I guess we can start this now."

"You sure you're okay with it?" I asked, not wanting to force him to do anything he didn't want to.

"I might as well try it. I mean, I never thought it was really hot or sexy but you are so maybe I'd like it. You think it would make you squirt?"

"I've never done it with just anal but maybe if we add some other stuff it might. It'll be fun to find out." I grabbed his other hand and folded my fingers into his, giving the back of it a chaste kiss.

He returned the kiss to my stomach and took a deep breath. "I have to go slower, right? Like it'll hurt more if I don't?"

"Right. It's just like fingering me regularly just a little more cautious. You'll be ok." I assured him.

"What if it feels gross?"

"Oh my god, Johnny, it will not feel gross. I swear."

He scrunched up his nose and didn't move. I sighed and set my legs down. "You don't have to do- OH WELL OK THEN!" I felt him press into me, his fingertip wiggling its way inside.

"Keep your legs open, dammit."

"Ya could've warned me!"

"You wanted me to do this anyway so hush!" I reopened my legs and noticed that he was blushing through his face of deep concentration. He was even poking his tongue out a bit. It was cute but now I was a bit afraid of how thick his fingers were."How many do you want in here?"

"Three usually works. But not all at once!"

"I know that! Just calm down! You're making me feel weird." I kept quiet then, closing my eyes and trying to relax around his finger. He let my hand go to gently brush his thumb over my clit, letting me focus on that sensation until his entire finger finally poked through. "Huh."

"What "huh"?"

"Kinda feels a bit weird. Not like a normal vagina."

"Well duh," I said. "Probably because it's NOT a vagina??"

"Eri, Jesus Christ." He slammed his lips against mine then in order to keep me quiet as he started to slowly thrust his finger. 

"You're being a fuckboy again." I said in between a few kisses.

"No, I'm just being me. We can be weird and casual in bed." He nipped at my bottom lip and curled his finger gently. "Am I doing it right?"

"Y-yeah," I wrapped my arms around his ribcage and nudged my thigh between his legs. "Feels nice. You'll need some more lube for the second one though."

"I know." He swallowed hard and pressed his cock against the fabric of the thigh highs, beginning to rub against it. "Just give me a sec...fuck…" That always got him going; a begging and needy prince that wanted to fuck my thighs and grind against them until he made a mess. It had become my favorite thing for us to do just because I loved his change in demeanor. He was hiding in my neck, whimpering slightly and kissing me in the softest of ways. I pushed his hair back and encouraged him not to forget about his finger deep inside me. He had stopped as he had gotten distracted with his grinds that were gradually getting faster.

"You know you're not allowed to cum this way, no matter how much you want to." I whispered.

He nodded and sunk a small bite into my neck. "I-i know b-but-!"

"No but's Johnny. You know the rules." He had the biggest pout on his face and I couldn't help but giggle. "Someone's a little submissive."

"I am not submissive. I just like cumming on your thighs."

"But do you like cumming inside me more?" It was like he was weighing the pros and cons of each situation, never before encountering it. He opened his mouth to speak then shut it, his brows furrowing again in thought. I smirked and grabbed the bottle of lube and dangled it in front of his face. "While you're thinking it over how about you get to work stretching me more."

He sighed and snatched the bottle from me, pulling out his finger then adding lube to them both. He was even slower as he tried to pry in again. It had been so long since I had done this and I was too tight for comfort. It was going to be some time before I opened up full. The fingertips did eventually get in, making me gasp and mewl like a kitten in heat. I arched up, pressing my thigh against him harder and sliding my hand down my body to thrust inside my wetness. "Damn, is this what you're like every time you do anal?" 

"Shut up...I just kinda like...um...both holes filled at the same time."

"Ooohhh. Is that your fantasy?"

"To get fucked by two guys and eat out a girl at the same time? Yeah. I mean if you would've went with the foursome idea at christmasssss..."

"Hm." He shoved his fingers into me fully making me cry out.

"F-fuck! Johnny! You asshole!" The stinging pain was somewhat strong but the masochist in me wasn't running away from it. They were working faster, curling against the tightness and scissoring me open. I held onto his wrist, making sure he was pinned in place. I didn't want him to leave, I couldn't bear the thought of him stopping just to tease me again. I was pumping my own fingers into myself faster, my breaths war torn and ragged. He was grinding harder against my thigh, rubbing against the mesh and bringing moans out of him so deep that I wanted to scream. I fucking missed this so much; making him moan, whimper, beg, pant. Everything. It just brought me back to how much his voice made me quiver with orgasms since before I even met him.

"I need you, Eri. Now."

"Just a little more. Please. I want you too but just a little more!" I bit down on my lip as my other hand grasped the sheets between us. He was peeved that I wouldn't let him inside me just yet but by the way he was throbbing and leaving a wet patch on the fabric between us I could tell he was enjoying the show. He edged another finger inside me and we matched three for three. Both sets of fingers filling me had my holes clamping in eagerness to cum. The edge of my palm brushed against my clit while his thick fingers curled deeper inside me, circling against pleasure points and spaces that reawakened after so long. And then he pulled away and shoved my hand aside. "God fucking dammit Johnny!!" All he could do was laugh and I wanted to punch him in the chest. "Really?!"

"Yeah, you're hot when you're sexually frustrated." I watched him leave me to tap the record button again. He then returned to prop himself against the wall, his lap welcoming me to sit on it. He patted his thighs and I crossed my arms, my lips in full pouting mode. "Hah! Don't give me that shit. You want it bad. You're not gonna be a brat for long. Get over here, Eri."

"No! You're being a jerk!"

"You wanna cum don't you?" I glanced over as he said those words lower and definitely more enticing. His hand was wrapped around his cock and adding slow strokes to his shaft. His tongue poked out to graze his bottom lip and I hated that he was trying to win me over. I couldn't resist the way he looked when he had his legs open like that, hair sticking slightly to his forehead, and his broad chest heaving slightly. Droplets of precum slid down onto his fingers as he gave his head a squeeze, hissing as his teeth sucked in air. "Princess...come here."

Oh fuck you. I caved in and straddled his lap, lowering my gaze to his length. I set my hand over his and guided him towards my entrance, slowly sinking down until he filled me completely. We stood still for a moment, almost in shock at how amazing it felt. It was way different from when he wasn't feeling sexual when he first started his meds. We got to be intimate on other levels and though I craved him I was still mostly patient and comforted him. This was months of sadness, anger, hatred, pain, and heart wrenching love that had culminated into a burst of sexual frustration and passion all at once. I didn't need anything but him. In fact if we stayed holed up in this shitty motel the entire week I think I would be able to survive off his kisses alone.

"Move, for the love of fucking god, move." He begged. He was just as desperate as I was and I gave into his command before he even finished his sentence. I held onto his shoulders and worked through the burning in my thighs to bounce quickly. Feeling him plunge deep and fill me with every inch of his girth was a gift I was more than happy to accept. I noticed him fumbling his hands behind me but barely gave it any thought. I was too entranced by chasing my pleasure and hoping he wouldn't pull away again. That was when I felt something poking at my rim. I gasped as he pushed it through, stuffing me with the dildo in an act I'd never thought he'd do.

"B-baby, w-wha-what are you-?"

He gripped the back of my neck and growled against my lips. "Fuck yourself on them both."

I swallowed hard and nodded, switching my movements to swift rolls of my hips so I could catch both cocks on a heated rhythm. Johnny moved the dildo faster, almost as fast as his hips were snapping up into me now. I cupped his jaw and landed sloppy, half met kisses to his lips which he reciprocated with bites and licks to my tongue whenever he could. I was a literal mess and at his mercy. His free hand tore into my ass cheek, creating half moon indentations in my skin. I heard a thud then and realized his head had collided with the wall as he tried to move it back. "Ouch! Shit."

I giggled in between pants and cradled his head. "You're always knocking your head on something when we fuck. Are you ok?"

"Yeah yeah yeah, just keep going. I'm an idiot."

"My idiot." I gently rubbed the back of his head and held him close to my chest, setting my other hand against the wall. I mewled as my skin seemed to break with how rough he was digging his teeth in but it was fucking beautiful. With how much he had teased me and with all the sensory overload he was providing now, my orgasm was quick to come. When I rolled my hips, my clit would rub against his base and added to everything that was destroying me. That little motion was enough to have me dousing his lower stomach and thighs with my cum that gushed out in heavy spurts. My hand flew to cover my mouth and stop my scream from bursting through. It was so intense, too intense even, and I scrambled to pull away from him as my body curled up and I felt trembling aftershocks.

I could only curse and bury my face into the bed, my fist ripping the bedsheet from the corner of the mattress. Johnny hovered over me, tossing the dildo aside and trying to pry my legs open. "Nonononono." I whimpered as I was still too sensitive. I didn't want him to drive me into another orgasm that soon. I didn't think my body could take it. But he was inside me again, my hands pinned by my head as he slammed into me. I could barely look up at him but he was hovering over me, casting a shadow against the ceiling light and somehow seeming much bigger than before. "I love you…" He gasped out. "Cum with me this time."

I sure as hell would try. My walls were weak and anything could send me over the edge again. I closed my eyes as I felt him throb then stutter, a warmth filling my belly and simultaneously flowing out of me. I felt tears prickling at my eyes as my second flow of cum spread onto the sheets beneath us. He collapsed onto me and I held onto him so tight as the tears finally fell. My mind was a sea of emptiness. No thoughts filtered through and I just wanted to stay in this moment with him forever. I closed my eyes and let our heartbeats slow down until our breaths steadied. "God…" I whispered. "That was…"

"All I ever wanted and more." He pushed back his sweat drenched hair and gave me a small kiss. "Are you crying?"

"Oh." I wiped my eyes quickly. "Not sad crying. Like it was just a lot at once and it felt so good. I don't know. It just...happened." I laughed.

"Weirdo." He smiled. "Oh shit, the video." 

"Shut it off." 

"Well I don't wanna pull out yet."

"Fine, just shuffle with me until you can reach it." We looked stupid scooting our bodies close to the edge of the bed just so he could stop the video and take his phone off the tripod. I sighed as he sat back and made sure my legs were wide open.

"This is why I didn't want to pull out yet. I want to see it drip out of you." He held the phone above me and I rushed to cover myself.

"That's embarrassing, you giant pervert!!"

"No it's not! It's so damn hot. Please? Pleaseeeeee??" He covered my face in silly little kisses, trying his best to convince me.

"What is up with you suddenly becoming a porn director?!" I grumbled.

"I told you, it's because I miss you and I can only think about you when I jack off. But with this I can see us together and it will be so much more intense when I cum. I can see and hear how good I made you feel. The sounds you make are something else."

"O-oh…" My face flared up as I hadn't expected him to say all of that. "You are so lucky I love you more than anything. And I know you would raise hell if anybody else saw me like this. Fine, pull out."

I heard the beep of the video begin and covered my face as he moved. I felt his cum flow out of me, more so when I clenched my pelvic floor to push it out. He let out a deep moan of satisfaction and used his thumb and index finger to spread my lips apart, making me even more flustered. "Are you done yet?" I mumbled behind my hands.

"No." He dragged his fingers through his cum and nudged my hands away. "Open." I kept my eyes closed but opened my mouth, taking in his fingers that rubbed the bitter musk over my taste buds. He spread his fingers across my tongue, pinching it slightly before plunging to the back of my throat. I winced and moved my head away. The numbing spray had worn off and I wasn't into vomiting all over my boyfriend. He pulled away and stopped the third clip. "Damn."

I sat up and sighed. "Can you clean this up? I don't really wanna move."

"Yeah, I got you." I adjusted myself to lay down on my side of the bed while Johnny plugged his phone in to charge and gathered up the things we had made a mess on. I was already drifting into sleep, not even really caring about how sticky I was. "Is there anyway to clean a dildo without it feeling like you're jacking it off?!" I heard him call out from the bathroom.

"No!" I responded to his stupid question before turning my head away from the bathroom and falling asleep.

I woke up in the middle of my deep sleep after having the weirdest dream ever. I hated when I had dreams like that because I could never seem to get back to sleep until hours after. I sighed and rubbed the sleep from my eyes, pouting at my now awakened state. Johnny was spooning me, arm wrapped around my torso with his hand on one boob as usual. That I didn't mind that as much as i did his erection jabbing into my lower back. He was dead asleep too, I could tell by his snoring. How he managed to get hard while not even being awake, who knows. Maybe he was having a more pleasant dream that I had. But he needed to move if I wanted to be comfortable at all again.

I nudged my elbow against him and removed his arm from around me. "Johnny." I whispered. "Move over."

Nothing.

I sighed and whispered a little louder. "Johnny! Move over." I tapped his thigh, hoping to get his attention but all it did was make him grind into me. This man never stopped. "Johnathan. Please move."

He grumbled and nuzzled between my shoulder blades before pressing me onto my stomach. I huffed and turned my head to the side so the pillow wouldn't suffocate me. "Boy, if you don't get off me-" I gasped sharply as I felt him enter me, his head popping through instantly. "W-wrong hole!" I squeaked.

"Fuck...why is it so tight?" He rasped, voice still laced with sleep.

"You're in the wrong place!"

"Mhm-hm. It's where I wanna be."

Did he just…? Was he…? WHAT? "A-are you sure? You never liked this like ever be-" My words were taken from me as he sunk in deeper. I was still somewhat stretched out from him using the toy on me earlier but this was even heavier and thicker than that measly thing. He raised me to my knees and rubbed his hands all over my body.

"Was dreaming 'bout you."

"I-i can tell. U-um…" I was blushing hard as one of my fantasies with him was finally checked off the list. "Do you like it?"

"Not sure yet. Can I move?"

"Yes, please."

He pulled out slowly and sunk back in, testing the waters and gauging how we both felt. I was still in shock but craved more and I wondered what was going through his mind. Why did he have a sudden change of heart? Just wanted to explore? Maybe he liked what we had done earlier? Or perhaps he was doing it because he wanted to make something up to me, like leaving, in a way. Whatever it was this change of heart was giving me pleasure in a way no one had made me feel before. He held onto my hips tightly and soon I heard the familiar slapping of his hips against my ass. I closed my eyes again and let him take over and figure out what he liked and didn't like.

"Open your legs more."

My thighs already were still sore from earlier but I wiggled them apart as he pressed his hand firmly against my lower back. He wanted that deep feeling of being in my stomach and drawing moans out of me. It was one of my favorite things to do with him and it made my body tremble. "Baby...shit…" I mewled. "It's good. I told you it's good."

"Hmmm... Can I cum in here too?"

"Yeah, whatever you want. Do whatever you want to me, love."

"I like the sound of that." He pressed my hips back harder, slamming us together and taking me back to a whimpering mess. He reached over and clicked on the bedside table lamp. "Wanna see you." I didn't even protest and let him marvel in the way he was stretching my ass open. I was too wrapped up in how good it felt to even care. He pressed his chest to my back and nipped at my ear. "I wanna see you fuck yourself this time."

"A-ahh...with the dildo?" 

"Yeah." He moaned against my ear. "Fast. And. Deep." He landed each word with harsh thrusts that I could feel in my stomach. I noticed he had set the clean toys on the bedside table and I reached out for the dildo, shuffling it between me and the bed. Johnny sunk his teeth down onto the back of my neck just as I pressed the toy into me. My favorite sensation was back and I was thrust into a place of bliss and heightened senses. He controlled the speed of my thrusts for a moment, making sure I knew how he wanted me to fuck myself. I almost couldn't take it but he made it even worse when I heard the whir of the small bullet vibe I had brought. It was deadly in his hands, especially since he kept it firmly against my clit. I wanted to crumble beneath his weight but he wrapped his arm around my waist and linked his ankles over mine so I couldn't move an inch. I was trapped beneath his big body, helpless and begging for my release.

"That's my babygirl. You're doing so good for me." He cooed. I buried my face into the pillow, blushing at his sweet words. I was already flustered and he was making it worse. "Do you wanna cum for me?"

"Y-yes daddy." I said meekly.

"I know, and I want you to squirt again. I want you to cum so hard. So sensitive and overstimulated that you collapse and cant take anymore. I want that."

He worked the bullet into small circles which made my toes dig into the sheets. His hand that was around my waist slid down to cover mine, controlling the speed of every single one of my pleasure points. With both his hands between my thighs and his cock stuffed inside me, I gripped the pillow between my teeth, clenching hard as my body came full force for the third time that night. I felt my cum flow over my thighs and his hands, pitter-pattering onto the mattress. My nails clawed at the walls as he let the dildo go but kept the vibrator on me, keeping up the relentless torture. I screamed a chaotic monologue of "Daddy! Please! Daddy please!!", begging for him to ease up on my sensitivity but he didn't. Instead his hips drove all the way home, pounding harshly and creating an infestation of tremors throughout my entire being. Finally, the bullet stopped and dropped by my knee. 

Both of Johnny's hands were on my hips again as he chased his own orgasm, breathing hard in between growls and moans. I brought my hand to rest on his, squeezing my fingers against him tight. His cum rushed into me then, warming me like he had done before and making me feel absolutely full. He let me lower myself to the mattress and caved on top of me again, resting his head by mine. "Was us fucking always this amazing? I mean like yes but also like...this is some next level shit." He chuckled. "Eri?"

"I'm so tired, you asshole."

"Well I know your asshole is tired. Pretty much got plowed into oblivion."

"Uh, yeah, so...what was that about?" I asked curiously.

He huffed, trying to blow some of my curls away from his face. "I don't know...just...guess I should try stuff before I say I don't like it. I never found it sexy but your ass is perfect. It was like suffocating. Only with you babe."

"I feel so special. And also like I wanna die. I need to shower. I'm so sticky but I don't think I can move."

"I'll help you. Hold on." He slid out of me slowly, leaving my hole gaping and dripping with his cum. "Fuck…" he breathed. "I could watch that all day."

"Jooohhnnnyyyy!" I covered my head with the pillow, wanting to disappear forever every time he stared at my openings like that.

He tossed the pillow away and helped me sit up gently. "I just like teasing you."

My big pout didn't last long because he scooped me up in his arms bridal style and carried me to the bathroom. I held onto him tight, almost in disbelief. "Well damn daddy, just bench press me."

"Knowing you, you'd like that." He set me down gently in the shower and joined me before drawing the curtains and turning on the water. "I'm so glad you came, baby." He set his head on top of mine and wrapped his arms around my shoulders.

"I am too. I just want to be with you. No matter what."

--

The next morning (or afternoon, I wasn't really sure) I woke up with almost every inch of my body aching. My ass hurt, my legs hurt, all the bite marks hurt, my throat hurt. Having sex with Johnny was like getting hit by a freight train and trying to pick yourself back up from the aftermath. On top of that I was so damn hungry. I rolled over slowly and hit an empty spot instead of the warmth I expected. I felt around, trying to figure out if I was missing something before opening my eyes. He wasn't there. I sat up and looked around, perplexed as to where he went. "Looking for me?"

My head swiveled when I heard his voice. He was coming out of the bathroom, pulling his shirt over his head. "How ya feeling?"

"Like death." I croaked. "Where did you go?"

"To get you breakfast and a chai latte to try and make your throat better. I got your favorite. Strawberry pancakes, eggs, sausage, and chicken nuggets."

"Fuck yeah, nuggies." I giggled a bit and reached out for the latte. I definitely needed it to soothe my throat.

He tossed off his jeans and brought the bag of food to sit between us. I curled up against him instantly and nuzzled his shoulder. "Let me guess, you want me to feed you?" I nodded and gave him puppy dog eyes. He rolled his own and opened the containers cutting up the pancakes and feeding them to me. "I wanted to take you out later on if you're up to it?"

I chewed a bit then swallowed. "Take me where?"

"Shopping and stuff. We've got big malls here. Figured you'd like all the makeup stuff."

"Oh yeah? You gonna be my sugar daddy or something?"

He scoffed as he ate one of the nuggets. "More like generic store brand sucrose father."

I laughed and kissed his cheek. "You know you don't have to buy me anything right?"

He shrugged. "You just seemed kinda disappointed in the hotel and my car…"

"Well...I am, I mean I was. I just expected you to have more since this was your big internship, you know?"

"Yeah...well I like my van. I can go wherever I want and not have to be tied down. I've traveled along the coast and to different cities already. It was like this place was made for me. There's so much to do here. It's better then our college town."

"Right…" I said rather sadly.

"Babe, you know I do miss you. I don't want to be away from you and that's not what im trying to say right?"

"I know...I know. Let's just not focus on that right now I guess."

"I still wanna take you shopping. Get you looking all cute and shit. I'll carry your bags and all that." He fed me another bite of pancakes. "Is that ok?"

I felt bad. I didn't want him to think that he had to do this for me, especially not spend money to make me feel happy. "Johnny, I'm sorry about the van and the motel. You don't have to buy me anything. I don't want to be a materialistic bitch. That doesn't matter to me. I can stay in bed with you all day."

"Shut up. We're doing it. It's not just shopping. I can show you around too. You have to at least do other stuff on your vacation than just fuck me. Even though I'm about it."

"Ok, ok, sucrose father." He gave me a laughter filled kiss which I returned with hidden intentions. I swiped my tongue along his bottom lip and cupped the back of his neck.

"Mhm...baby...you want something." He said, seeing through me instantly. "Aren't you sore?"

"Not all that." I eased my way into his lap  "Just wanna warm you. That ok?"

"Hmm...only for a little bit."

I nodded and wrapped my arms around his neck, settling my center over him. He held me close too and guided my hips to grind smoothly over him. I avoided his lips so we both wouldn't get too worked up, just enough for him to nestle  inside me and stay there for a little while. "Did you wanna do this this morning?"

"Yeah but you left." I pouted.

He swiped his thumb over my lip and I took it into my mouth, sucking gently. "I got you food didn't I? I made it up to you."

I laid my head on his shoulder while keeping his thumb in my mouth. I hummed a little response and lifted my hips for him to guide himself in. He pressed the head of his cock against my entrance and I sunk down slowly, wincing a bit at my tenderness but the feeling of him inside me made me all cozy and gushy with lovey feelings. Johnny scratched at my head gently and turned the TV on low, not minding me wanting to fall back asleep. "If you don't want to go shopping today, we can do it tomorrow. But my friends are also having a party tomorrow and I'd like it if you met them."

Blegh, socializing. Socializing with my boyfriend's friends. Socializing with people that weren't that great because he only had one good friend. I sighed internally and tried to gauge if I could really take in that much anxiety in one day. Probably not and I would be suffering the entire time but I would do it for him. I would do anything for him.

--

I squeezed Johnny's hand tightly as we walked up the stairs to this ridiculous baby mansion. I had never seen a house this huge before but I guess it's what happened when you were California dreamin'. There was way too many people already and I clung onto him tighter as my breath sped up. The music was way too loud and when I tried calling out to him he didn't hear me even though we we're right next to each other. So I continued to follow wordlessly as he did his social butterfly shit. He was saying hi to people he never mentioned to me and making his way through the crowd until he found a couch for us to sit on. He sat down and set me beside him, his arm loosely around my hips. About a dozen people were circled around us and a few people stared at me including this gorgeous girl who sent me a small smile. I straightened up a bit as I looked her over. She had beautiful skin, a little darker than mine, and braids going all the way down her back with some pink synthetic hair mixed in. She had the coolest punk vest on, all decked out in patches, studs, and distressing. I wanted to ask her about them but my social anxiety was making me shrink away.

Johnny didn't seem to notice our exchange at all. He was too busy laughing at something someone said before he got passed a joint. I rolled my eyes and propped my elbow on my knee, setting my chin in the palm of my hand. "You gonna be social or pout all night?" Johnny asked as he exhaled smoked.

I waved it away instantly. "I am being social, I'm here aren't I? Also you know I hate that stuff. Don't blow the smoke around me."

He rolled his eyes and took another hit before passing it onto the next person. "I would like you to at least talk a bit."

"And what you you like me to say Johnny? That I'd rather be in the hotel? Maybe grinding on you until you begged to be inside me? Do you want me to tell them that?" I was getting snippy because of this atmosphere. I never should've agreed to come but I didn't think it would be this bad.

"Don't be a smartass."

"I'm not. It's the truth."

He looked over at me and leaned in to whisper in my ear. "You need to behave and I mean it."

"Or what?" I challenged. "It's a lot for me to take in at once, ok? You of all people should fucking know how anxiety works."

"There's nothing to be anxious about. It's just a party. We gone to parties dozens of times. It's the same thing."

"It's not…" This was like some fashionista bullshit. Like high roller drugs and top tier liquor everywhere. All sorts of people dancing around through flashing lights and thumping music. It was overwhelming and I was uncomfortable seeing people snort coke off of tables or toss back unknown pills. I didn't know how Johnny could stand this either. This exact environment was the one that got him roped into trouble. I knew it affected him so why wasn't he showing it?

"Just chill and talk. These are my friends and it's important that everyone gets along."

And what if I don't like your friends? I wanted to scream. Why did I have to be friends with your friends? Were your friends the ones acting like fools and looking geeked out of their minds. I sure as hell would've thought you'd be smart enough to not be friends with them either. "Fine." Was all I actually said. "I will try."

Johnny turned away, releasing his arm from around my hips to distract himself with someone else. I was hurt that he seemed so intensely peeved about me feeling this way. He was acting brand new, as if I, as if HE, didn't have social anxiety. He handled his differently. He partied more and I got angry before I got drunk. I was in the angry phase currently. I was about to call it quits right then and there when some guy got close and asked me a question. "So you're Johnny's friend?"

"Friend?" I scoffed. "I don't think "friend" is the right term."

"Ohhhh, so like a fuck buddy thing?"

I was totally confused. Had Johnny not introduced me as his girlfriend? I looked over at him for a second, wondering if it was just a miscommunication error or something he blatantly didn't want people to know. "No, were not fuck buddies. We're together."

"Johnny never told us he had a girlfriend. Did you just start dating?"

I grit my teeth and tried my best to stay calm. What the hell? Why hadn't he told them? Did he want to feel single over here? Did he want to fuck other people while I was at home crying over him? I was fuming.

"Kylo, chill with the 20 questions bro." Johnny laughed. "We're just here to have a good time."

"Sorry! I was just curious! I mean, she is pretty cute after all." Kylo said with a wink in my direction.

Johnny just laughed. He didn't get into his usual jealous or dominating role. He fucking laughed. Who was he right now? We had just had three days of paradisal bliss and now at some party he changes into someone I don't know. I wanted to flirt with this Kylo guy to really test Johnny but  I also wasn't in the mood for whatever karma would come of it. I crossed my arms over my chest and avoided them both. Instead my eyes landed on the beautiful girl who was chuckling. She mouthed something that looked like "he's wack" and nodded towards Johnny.

"That's for damn sure." I said in agreement. She laughed louder, a really sweet and airy sound. I loved it and could feel myself getting flustered. I didn't know why- well I did. It was because girls made me crumble to my knees faster than any man could. But I shouldn't have been acting this way. It just seemed wrong. Suddenly a shrill voice cut through the high strung atmosphere and before I knew it some girl was draped over Johnny's lap and kissing his cheek.

"Johnny!" She practically squealed. "I knew you'd be here!"

At first I was shocked. All I could really do was take in her incredibly expensive, diamond encrusted bracelets, her Yves Saint Laurent tiny purse, and her chanel sunglasses perched atop of overly processed blonde hair. She was just a little miss Paris hilton who was way too comfortable with my man. He let her hang onto him, even putting an arm around her shoulders. Was it really fucking social if I snapped someone's neck?

"Cassie, babe," He joked. "What are you on tonight?!"

"A little coke, a little molly. Just the usual combo."

"Ugh I fucking hate molly. Never again."

Yeah because that's what you took the night you got assaulted and now you're hanging out with someone who does this on the regular? Nothing made sense. Was he even thinking? Also, what was this 'babe' shit? I was the only one he called that!

"I know, I know! Don't worry. You can just have some Percocets and chill for the night. You're so wound up and tense!" She laid her head on his shoulder and looked up at him with doe eyes. I felt the rage building in my fist and I was dead set on punching her in her fucking designer face.

I pushed Johnny back against the couch and leaned into this chicks face, grabbing her shoulder roughly. "Hi I don't think we've met." I growled. "But you need to get your hands off my-"

She gasped, completely ignoring my anger and not taking me seriously. She reached out a manicured claw to try and touch my hair. "Your curls are so pretty! Oh my god! How do you get them to be so nice?! You know I tried a perm once and-" 

I gripped her wrist and yanked her twig like arm away from my head. "Don't. Touch. My. Hair." It was the one thing I absolutely hated. Strangers weren't allowed to touch my hair. Barely anyone was allowed to touch my hair. It was my sacred crown that I took pride in and I'd be damned if little miss cokehead was going to touch it.

"Eri, what the fuck?" Johnny said harshly as he pulled her wrist from my grasp. I glared at him in disbelief. Was he actually defending her?

She rubbed her wrist and held onto him. "Johnny! Why is she being mean?!"

"Oh I'll fucking show you mean." I got up and made a grab for my gauges, ready to square up and get charged with assault. I gave zero fucks right now. I suddenly felt a hand gently wrap around my arm, tugging me away from the situation. "Come walk with me." The beautiful girl from before said. Since Johnny was too fucking busy coddling the bimbo I decided to go with her. I felt a sense of calmness when she touched me, like a connection had suddenly been formed. We moved away from the party altogether and made our way outside to pretentious garden area that was filled with dozens upon dozens of flowers and plants, with a fountain, swing set, and gazebo in the middle of it. 

I was shaking, violently so. I dug my hand into my purse to pull out a cigarette from the carton. I set it between my lips and went to light it but I couldn't keep myself steady enough to ignite it. I was two seconds away from tossing the damn thing when she unfolded my tense fingers and took the lighter from me. She cupped her hand around the flame as it burst forth, making sure the wind wouldn't extinguish it as it caught the end of the cigarette.

"Thank you." I said as I took a deep drag.

She slipped the lighter back into my purse, so smoothly that I barely even noticed.

"So you're Johnny's girl?" She asked in a voice that was a bit husky contrary to her laugh.

"I guess barely! What the fuck is his problem? Who is that chick?! I swear to god! I'm about ready to slit her throat! Why didn't he tell anyone that I was-"

"Hey," she cupped my face gently and I instantly shut up. She smiled down at me and rubbed her thumb against my cheek. "Johnny's an idiot. All he does is hang out with Cassie's drugged up ass so he can score free drugs himself. Then Kylo's a fucking douche that gives him all these shrooms and shit. There's barely a time when were all hanging out that Johnny isn't high. Don't sweat him, chica. You could do way better."

"W-wait you mean he does this continuously? What does he take?" My heart suddenly halted from insane race car speed to devastating crash.

"So far I've seen him do shrooms, weed, percocet, acid. Maybe he does more. I'm not sure. But that's what I've seen."

Suddenly I didn't want to be here anymore. Not just at this party, but not in California and certainly not around him. He left me for drugs, a rusted van to live out of, and some bimbo that was making him an addict. "G-great...just what I need right now. That's exactly what I need right now. I came all the way here to try and make us better and he just makes everything worse. It felt so good before...what the fuck is happening."

"So dump him. What the fuck do you need a man for? Come over to the lesbian side, were much better." She teased.

"Oh," I looked up at her for a moment. "I mean, I'm not straight. I'm pretty gay, trust me." I said.

"But you're dating Johnny?"

"And? I'm still gay. Well queer. Honestly it would take me 87 years to explain my labels but the short version is I fuck anyone and I romantically want anyone. This time around it happened to be him."

"Ahh...well the invitation still stands to join us again. Start off with something way better than that jerk, honestly."

I raised an eyebrow and almost coughed on an inhale of smoke. "Are you like...flirting with me?"

"If it's working then yes, if it's not, then no." She smiled. "I'm Aaliyah by the way."

"I'm Eri...I haven't had someone flirt with me in awhile." I laughed a bit nervously. "I mean Johnny doesn't count."

"Nah, nothing he does counts…" We were quiet for a moment but I hated it because it kept me in my feelings. Thankfully she started back up again not long after. "So, you don't live in Cali do you?"

I shook my head. "I go to school on almost the other side of the country. Johnny graduated and took an internship here, got up and moved, and didn't really warn me. We've been rocky ever since. I thought it was getting a bit better. We didn't leave our hotel room for two days and I'm still sore but I guess sex can't fix anything. I mean I knew that but it kinda always did for us."

"Nah, it's just a bandaid for the problems. I would also recommend completely punching Cassie in the face."

"Why'd you stop me then?" I asked.

"Don't need another sis locked up in jail. Rather have you free and without a record. Trust me, I've wanted to deck her myself plenty of times. She thinks she's amazing because she's rich and can afford all this wack shit. She's got a big problem though. She's high on the daily and no one will get her to rehab."

"I can put her ass in a coma and then she'd really detox." I said as tapped out my ashes.

"Your hair is really beautiful by the way." She said, diverting my anger. "But you're not a damn poodle or something where she had to try and pet you." Aaliyah commented.

"Yeah, I get that all the time. Especially because my hair takes up space. I get old people staring at me, little bastard 13 year olds taking snapchats or whatever of me at the store, and white girls trying to touch me without permission. Can I get Solange Knowles in here please?"

"I know exactly how you feel, especially with my braids. Sometimes I just whip my head around real fast to hit someone with them and they can leave me alone."

I smiled and took another drag. "That's a mood. Why can't people understand personal space?"

"They think people like us were meant to be ogled at, ever since we got pushed onto podiums for sale in the slave trade."

"Ain't that a bitch." I sighed and didn't realize I was leaning in towards her until my shoulder brushed against her arm, which she put around my waist.

I left her arm there, not really sure of what I should do. She was really pretty and super cool but I was with Johnny though he was currently acting like an addict who didn't have a care in the world for me. A complete 180 since yesterday. I felt sad and angry all at the same time and really wish I had someone to comfort me since it felt like I was alone in this battle. "I'm sorry to kind of dump this on you. We just met and i'm telling you about all this bullshit with my boyfriend and-"

"Its fine. I wouldn't mind making you feel better. Just tell me what you need."

Ok, definitely flirting and maybe propositioning me for sex? She leaned in, setting both her hands on my waist, and smirking down at me. "U-uh...a drink would be nice. I like drinking."

"Yeah? I can do that for you. What do you like, babydoll?" Aaliyah said.

"Anything dark."

She smirked. "I could tell." She placed a kiss on my cheek that caught the corner of my mouth a little too closely. "I'll be back in a sec."

Aaliyah left then, retreating back inside the house and leaving me to sit on the swing set. I was trying hard not to cry. Iwnas even trying hard not to text Quinn. Hearing their "I told you so's" right now may not be for the best. Their anger would also trigger mine and I would end up as a giant mess. I snubbed the last of my cig into the ground and crushed it beneath my strappy sandal. What the hell was I going to do?

I wiped away the few tears that were starting to spill over. I wanted to go home now. I stared down at my phone and texted Johnny. I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't pretend I was alright at this party now that I had all this newfound information about him. He needed to explain himself and I didn't want it to blow up into a big argument in front of total strangers. He didn't answer back right away, leaving me impatient and more anxious. Aaliyah came back then and handed me a plastic cup. "My special concoction. Drink up."

I tossed it back without another though but regretted it when I felt the sharpest and fiery burn. "Ughh fuck!" There was rarely a time where alcohol made me flinch but this was a disaster. "Jesus, woman, what the hell is in this?"

"Don't worry about it." She said, tipping the cup back again. "It'll get you buzzed easily." Well that was exactly what I needed. I wanted to get stupid drunk. Like walking disaster drunk but I didn't trust her enough yet to do so. "Better with a bit of alcohol in your system now, huh?"

"Yeah, I guess...I asked Johnny if we could just head out."

"You need a man's permission to go somewhere?"

"No, not like that. I mean he drove us here. I don't know my way around here. It's not permission, just...you know."

"Like I said, forget him. We can hang out and chill. Where do you wanna go, hm?"

I scooted a bit away from her, suddenly feeling that moment of calmness wash away. She was being way too friendly and flirty but... should I even try and make Johnny jealous? Would that even do any good? Everything was making me second guess myself. I just wanted everything to go back to being normal. Suddenly I felt her lips on mine which yanked me from my thoughts immediately. My eyes went wide and before I could even raise my hands to push her away I heard Johnny screaming my name. He had stormed over to the swing set and split Aaliyah and I apart. "What the fuck are you doing?!"

Before i could even answer Aaliyah butted in. "She can do whatever she wants."

"THEY don't need to kiss you and they sure as hell aren't going to sleep with you!"

Aaliyah rolled her eyes. "Well THEY seem to need a bit of loving since you'd rather be up Cassie's ass."

"That isn't true! Cassie's just clingy when she's high. It's nothing like that. Eri, get over here."

"You didn't even push her away…" I said. "You just let her hang onto you. You can go on being her druggie boyfriend if you want."

"What? What are you talking about?" Johnny asked, confused.

"You know exactly what I mean. Aaliyah told me about all the shit you're taking. You left me for drugs, some shit van, and partying all the time. Is that what you really wanted? To get away from me?"

Johnny glared at Aaliyah then looked at me. "Come here. We need to talk."

"I'd rather just drink." I whispered.

He tugged me towards him but Aaliyah yanked me back. "Let her go Johnny."

"No, you let them go! They're my girlfriend and we need to talk. Let go."

"Dont pull on me! Either of you!" I dropped both their hands and held my own close to me. "I'll just...i'll just go with him for now and maybe I can come back later or something?" I was giving her false hope of course, but some part of me, amidst confusion, did want to see her again.

She rolled her eyes and stuffed her hands in the pockets of her vest. "Yeah, sure."

Johnny grabbed onto my arm and pulled me away quickly, taking me back to his van. "What the hell are you talking about? Calling me a druggie?? What did she put in your head?"

"She didn't put anything in my head. You're smoking more weed, dropping acid, getting geeked? What the fuck johnny? You had come so far and you're just turning back to who you used to be."

"That's not true. Just because i've tried some stuff doesn't mean i'm a drug addict. How could you say that to me?"

"Because-!" I yelled. "I don't want to date someone like that. It's only time before you try something even harder then i have to find you in a tub with a needle in your arm!"

"Eri, what in the hell are you talking about?! I'm not planning on shooting up heroin or something!"

"Yeah, sure. You can get all you wanted from that stupid bimbo."

"Cassie's a cokehead. She just needs someone to help her." He argued.

"So taking drugs with her is the answer? What is wrong with you?"

"Nothing is wrong with me! Im only 24! I just want to have fun!"

"Well you can have fun without me! I came all this way to fix what we had and you don't care. You don't care at all. You didn't care about leaving me behind. You haven't even said one thing about your internship. You just...you wanted to get away from me. What did i do johnny? What did I do?" I was getting choked up and trying not to cry over him yet again.

"Eri, you didn't do anything. I want new experiences, I want to travel, I want to see the world. I don't want to be cooped up in a boring ass college town. I cant stay there waiting for you to graduate. I needed to do something and this was a good opportunity for me to get out."

"So if you wanted to leave why did you even fucking want me to be your girlfriend?! You said you wouldn't hurt me! You promised, johnny! You! Promised!"

"I'm not trying to hurt you! I just need you to let me spread my wings a bit. It's not like i don't want to be with you. I love you. So fucking much. I'm glad you're here. I want you to be with me."

"Why? So you can fuck me and then ignore me?"

"No! Because-" he sighed and ran his hand over his face. "Even though i want to explore you still keep me grounded. You keep me from going crazy."

"Not really since you're doing all these drugs and partying. How is that being grounded?"

"Why are you so focused on that?! I don't get it!

I slammed my fist against the side of his van. "When you find your fucking uncle overdosed in a bathtub when youre 7 you'll see that drugs arent fucking my thing. And if you try and kill youself in a bathtub you'll spend every second that you're cutting your wrist feeling just like him. Thats why im fucking focused on it Johnny. I didn't even like the fact that you were a pothead when I first met you. That you still are one! But i kept on. I looked past that because i saw you for who you were but i can't look past this."

"Fuck…" He stepped closer to me and I curled away, holding my stinging hand.

"Dont. Just dont…"

He grabbed a hold of me anyway and pulled me to his chest, giving me a hard squeeze. "Babe...i-"

"You called her babe." I snipped.

He exhaled deeply. "It just slipped."

"No it didnt. Dont add liar to your list."

"I'm sorry. I didn't think it was a big deal."

"You don't think anything is a big deal. Do you even want us to be together anymore? Tell me truthfully. Its only been 5 months, Johnny, almost a year if you want to count us fucking around." I shoved him away and glared up at him. "Tell me."

"I…" He pushed his hair back and looked away.

"Oohh!" I laughed as my voice cracked and tears started to fall. "So thats how its going to be? All that shit in the back of your car meant nothing then?"

"I didn't say anything!"

"Your hesitation said it all. Just…take me back to the hotel. I'll see if I can get an earlier flight to go back home."

"No, no, no! Please don't go back home. Eri, i want to be with you. I want to. I want to."

"You want to? Then fucking act like it, Johnny Suh. I dont have time for fucking little boys that want to play games. I want a real man that can own up to his shit and treats me like i'm important. I want my daddy to take care of me and make me feel safe, not make me have to worry about what he's doing states away."

He leaned down and set his forehead against mine. "I want to make you feel all that. Just dont leave yet. I can't have you leave. Will you stay?"

"I don't know. Just take me home. And don't ever bring me to one of his high roller Beverly Hills movie ass parties again. Ever. I mean it."

"I won't, baby." He took my sore hand in his and rubbed his thumb over my knuckles, giving it a gentle massage. "Let’s go back." I got in and crossed my arms over my chest, staring out the window. He got in as well and started up the engine, beginning the semi lengthy drive back. He tried reaching over to set his hand on my leg but I pulled away. "Please don't be like this…"

"Like what? Pissed off?"

"No I mean...just like let me at least try and make it up to you."

"How you gonna do that? Hmm? You would have a hell of a lot of making up to do."

"Let me try. It's the least I can do."

"Fine. Whatever."

We stayed quiet and I closed my eyes, wishing that this whole trip was over. A few tears were still falling down and I left them there, wanting him to see the suffering he caused me. I sniffed a bit and tried not to turn my breath into a hyperventilating mess. The drive seemed too short for us to be at the hotel and when I opened my eyes I saw we had arrived at a beach. Beaches seemed to just pop up whenever you needed them here. I liked that at least about this place. Everything was deserted and the end of the parking area matched up almost perfectly to the sand. "Did I say take me here?" I snapped.

"I know it's not the hotel but I know the beach is your favorite place to be. I’ve messed it up at that beach party last year, and I messed up tonight's party so I was hoping that maybe this would work.”

"Yeah, you messed up the beach. The literal place that is my sanctuary and make me feel close to home. Good job."

He shut off the engine and crawled into the back of the van, opening the back doors. "Can you come here?"

I looked back at him. "What for?"

"Just come." He extended his hand and I reluctantly crawled around the back seat to sit on his mattress, both our legs dangling over the edge. Outside I could see the stars much clearer and the sea breeze was crisp against the overwhelming heat of California. I was thankful to not sweat at least for a moment. "I never meant to hurt you or make you cry, Eri. It wasn't my intention at all. You mean the world to me but we're so intense it can be overwhelming sometimes. And it is true. I did want to get out of our stupid college town. It had nothing to do with you but rather with me being sick of that fucking place. I've been there for years and it drove me crazy. It wasn't to run away from you."

"The internship in of itself," he continued. "Is not exactly what I wanted it to be. I get assignments and stuff but it isn't the exciting stuff I want to do. Mostly I'm in the office doing desk shit and editing photos. I don't mind the editing I just," he shrugged. "It's not thrilling but it'll look good on my resume in the future. As for the drugs...I'm sorry about your uncle, I really am. I'm sorry about how that affected you when you tried to commit suicide. I don't make good decisions. I never really have. Drugs are like my escape. It's nice not to think about shit sometimes. I don't do it nearly as much as Aaliyah made it out to be-which by the way she definitely wanted to fuck you."

"Oh, I know."

"Were you...gonna do it?"

"You're asking me if I was gonna cheat on you?"

"I don't know...I don't think you would've but I know you basically hate me…"

I rolled my eyes. "I don't hate you. Don't be a damn baby. I wasn't going to fuck her. If she tried anything I would've shoved her away just like any man. I want my boyfriend. I just felt lonely. I wanted some comfort…"

He pulled me closer to him and set my head on his chest. "I want you to feel safe. I want you to feel like I love you. I want you to tell me anything and everything. I'm there for you and I fucked up...if you want me to, I can stop doing drugs. Maybe not weed-i got my med card here- but everything else I can."

I sighed and wiped away the leftover tears. "I'm just scared. I've had that feeling since I was a kid. You said you wouldn't do something harder but that's what they all say. Then it gets worse and worse. I was really close to him. He and my mom got into a lot of fights but he cared about me. I didn't know it was bad, I mean, I was just a kid. How was I supposed to know what drugs were? I don't want you to end up like that. I know it seems impossible but it just...haunts me."

He kissed the top of my head and took my wrist in his hand gently. His thumb rubbed over the scar that I tried to hide with tattoos. I never thought he noticed. Maybe he had noticed all my scars. I had tried to tattoo over them all but some were fresher than others. "I can see why and I don't blame you. If I stop taking drugs will you stop drinking? We can get sober together…"

"I can try…" I sad rather sadly and unconfident.

"How much do you drink a day?"

"Never enough to get drunk but a buzz is fine. Couple ales or wine coolers, maybe a bit of brown liquor. Like a fifth of the bottle? Whole bottle lasts me about 5 days or so."

"Christ…"

"Guess I'm a hypocrite, huh?" I came to that pathetic realization all too late.

"No. I don't have that trauma that you do, seeing your uncle and all. But that doesn't mean that I want to lose you to drinking either. Do you still go to therapy?"

"Yeah and get my meds changed but it's been a little...bit worse since you left. Not that I want to put that on you but it's just been happening."

"You can take one of my shirts back if you want. I know it's not much but I know you like them."

I nodded and clung to him, not sure if I completely forgave him but finally feeling like we were at least connecting again. "Do you still sleep with the rillakuma?"

"Of course. I have to now." He chuckled lightheartedly. "It's just as comforting to me as my shirts are to you."

"I sleep in your hoodies sometimes too. They're nice and roomy."

"Yeah I know. You basically have them all." He nudged his face against mine, playfully but also ended up connecting our lips. He paused after we separated but kept his close distance. "Do you forgive me?"

"I don't know yet. I feel a lot of things right now. Maybe I just need some time to think."

"Oh…" He sounded extremely disappointed. "Do you still want to go home?"

"I think I would want to spend a few more nights with you…" I squeezed his hand lightly.

"Thank you. I really want that. I promise to make this trip worthwhile."

"Well...the sex was pretty good at least. My ass still kind of hurts though."

"It was...phew..uh…" He wiped his other hand on his jeans and I saw his cheeks flush.

"You can admit you like anal now, you know."

"I'm on the fence, okay? Let's just leave it at that."

"Mhm...sure."

"Do you want to watch the stars with me?" He asked suddenly. That was a pretty sweet gesture I had to admit. Something straight out of a cheesy romance movie but still sweet nonetheless. 

"Yeah, that sounds nice actually."

He scooted back onto the mattress and took off his shoes, tossing them over the back seat. I did the same with my sandals and we both leaned back onto the pillows, looking out into the night sky that was littered with bright white orbs. We didn't say much, just relaxed beneath the moon, hearing the waves lapping at the Earth. Johnny set a soft playlist to play on his phone and kept it beside him, adding something to fill the otherwise silent space between us. I closed my eyes and focused on letting myself go, trying to make my heart less heavy and remind myself why I fell in love with him in the first place. That was when I felt his pinky lock with mine. Memories came flooding back; every time he made me laugh, the hurt we had been through, all the trust that I gave him and no one else. There was so much invested in us. I had no idea if I really wanted to let it go.

He was humming now, softly, strumming his fingers against his chest to the beat. When I looked over I saw that his eyes were closed as well and I wondered what he was thinking about. "Johnny?"

"Yes?"

"What are you thinking about?"

"What am I going to do after this internship is over. I don't know where I want to go. Maybe try and find some jobs in Chicago, maybe New York, cities where I can expand and maybe do a lot more."

"Do you want us to be long distance?"

"Not particularly, no. But I know you want to finish school. That's important. You're not going to quit just because you want to follow me around the world. Maybe when next summer rolls around and you graduate you can come travel with me."

"Do you think we can really be together for a whole other year?"

"Yeah. Don't you?" He asked.

"Yeah...I do." I squeezed his pinky tighter. "I do want to be with you Johnny. For a long long time."

#Johnny Fanfic #JOHNNY SMUT #johnny suh #NCT #nct 127 fanfic #johnny nct #nct 127 fanfiction #NCT 127 #messy #johnny seo #johnny suh fanfic #johnny suh fanfiction #johnny seo fanfic #johnny seo fanfiction #johnny suh smut #johnny seo smut #nct smut #nct 127 smut #johnny angst #nct angst #nct 127 angst #johnny suh angst

[laraslandlockedblues]

Author Interview

Tagged by @kagetsukai @lechatrouge673 and most recently @a-shakespearean-in-paris, thank you my lovelies! (I’m slowly trying to work through tags from December/January and this reminded to actually like...do that, so thank you hehe <3 )

Feel free to ignore me as always, and also I might be double tagging people and I’m sorry for that but here goes: @ladymdc @dismalzelenka @beckily @sarenkascrawls @tortuosity-writes @tanaleth @shannaraisles @star--nymph @ellstersmash @ellenembee @inquisition-dragonborn @allisondraste @novamm66 @ocean-in-my-rebel-soul @puddle--wonderful @wardenari and anyone else who wants to do this and tag me!

Name: Lara

Fandoms: Dragon Age, Mass Effect, Mystic Messenger, Stardew Valley, and now Skyrim are all ones I’ve written for. I’m a lurker/enjoyer of content in a lot more, most recently The Witcher (I’ve only seen the Netflix show but plan on delving further into it when I have time), Borderlands, and I’m always game for some Good Omens art. Otherwise it’d take me far too long to list every one I enjoy, so those are just the ones I’ve been interacting with the most lately.

Where You Post: Mostly A03. Occasionally here. Used to have a FFN but I’ve actually forgotten that exists...whoops.

Most Popular One-Shot: An Awkward Start which was a prompt for Cullen/Evelyn ages ago. I...have mixed feelings about that considering who I think helped me brainstorm it. So instead I’ll say Dream a Little Dream of Me which was my first fanfic idea for Cullen/Evelyn that turned into Eye of the Storm because doing that as a long fic instead of a long one shot (eep I need to edit that probably...) was daunting.

Most Popular Multi-Chapter Story: Beautiful Disaster, which still amazes me. It’s surpassed 20k hits and has I try not to think about the other stats levels of kudos and subs and books.

Favorite Story You Wrote:  Just Like Heaven and Wicked Game combined. Really delving into Abby’s backstory and John’s character helped me grow so much as a writer and to this day that might be one of the best things I’ve ever written. (They were put on hold because of plans I had for them but plans have changed and now I’m just...distracted. Whoops.)

Story You Were Nervous to Post: Arguably Eye of the Storm because I was so, so nervous to share my writing at all. But I was also nervous posting Lovers & Dreamers because I knew the premise (OT3 with Rylen and my two OCs, particularly John) wouldn’t be everyone’s cup of tea and I didn’t want...people to feel obligated maybe? I 100% write it for me and I’ve always hoped readers understand that. Diving into new fandoms is always nerve-wracking too and the first pieces I posted for Mystic Messenger (especially since my first one shot  was canon divergent smut, Just a Touch because I had too many feels while I was playing it)

How You Choose Your Titles: Some are song titles or lyrics (Just Like Heaven), some are just phrases that fit really well for the fic (Eye of the Storm and Hero Worship).

Complete: *cries* Ummm...Early on I did finish two fun modern AUs for Cullen and Evelyn when I was kind of messing around with their dynamic and just getting back into writing after years of not at all (Rehabilitation and Even Doves Have Pride). I also finished part one of my Mass Effect fics, Goose Bumps (which actually predated all my DA fics in actual writing, but not posting).

Incomplete: Everything else. Ha. Ha ha. Ha ha ha. *cries some more*

Do You Outline? Occasionally. Sometimes I outline just a few chapters out. I almost always start a fic with an idea of where it will end up, with maybe a few points known in between (like a zigzaggy map in my brain that somehow connects Point A to Point K to Point M to Point R to Point Y then Z). I have a few fics that are outlined all the way, most notably Twelve Moons, my Avvar fic, and I actually have an outline of the Skyrim fic, Go It Alone, I just started which I find mind-blowing. Sometimes outlines are restricting to me, but sometimes really helpful. It depends on the story and how much work the idea (or timeline) needs/takes. I try not to make this feel too much like work, since it’s for fun and for me.

Coming Soon/Not Yet Started: Please, oh patron saints of writing, just lemme finish these WIPs before I start anything else. Then again I just sort of go where the muse takes me, so if something truly inspired comes up I might write it. Fighting the muse is worse, in my experience. I will say the one thing “coming soon” to my main Ao3 is going to be the fics on my secondary account, which are my Mystic Messenger and Stardew Valley fics. The reason for me starting a second account has dissipated and I’m sick of balancing two so...whenever I get around to it I’ll be making a pseud to combine them all in one place.

Do You Accept Prompts? I used to, and haven’t in a while. I took them around the time my brain was getting all screwed up around writing and expectations and it just made everything feel like work, and plus my anxiety fucks with me and tells me that the promptee will hate it so...I haven’t in a long time because I’ve been happier not. Maybe I’ll try again in the future.

Upcoming Story You Are Most Excited to Write: I have a few I’m excited about. I’m excited to have the muse back for Twelve Moons (sort of, it’s still a tiny struggle) as well as my new Skyrim fic. I think in a lot of ways I’ve needed a break from DA. Rylen and Abby at this point are all that really tethers me to it, and I absolutely love them (so I’ll be getting back to those fics for sure). But right now writing something with zero expectations with a very different OC than I’ve ever written and an enemies to lovers trope that I don’t normally do...that’s been a lot of fun and the muse is really strong. But I’ve also been working on some original fiction (balancing two because ofc I am...I never can focus on one story at a time siiiiigh) and I’m insanely excited about it. I’m hoping to finish that up...by the end of the year if not much sooner (once I get past my move in the next month and half...which I’ve been ignoring is that soon haha)

Wow ok lots of rambling! Thank you for the tags this was fun to look back on and ramble about.

#author interview #tag meme #thank you for the tag lovelies #long post #text post #my writing #links in the post #wheeeee #also links to both my ao3s in my bio #shameless plug #mwuah 😘

[kinktae]

So you really gonna gift us all with zombie peepee then end it like that huh? Rude. Lmao. Seriously as sad as I am that it's over I loved Flesh and Blood!

THE FOLLOWING ASKS CONTAIN SPOILERS FROM FLESH AND BLOOD 3 ALONG WITH THEORIES AS TO WHAT Y’ALL THINK HAPPENED AFTER :D THANKS FOR SHARING FRIENDSSS

Anonymous said: THAT. WAS. AMAZING. i never knew one chapter could hold a rollercoaster of emotions. poor y/n and her family ): i cried when reading that part. rose, my dear, you are an angel and truly are blessed with the talent of writing such beautiful work. i loved it

Anonymous said: FrickfrickfrickFRICK I’m so worried about them!! Especially cause that ending was giving me hella Divergent vibes and that particular series didnt end the happiest for the main couple so I’m gonna ignore those vibes and say that they overthrew the government and built a new society on the burning ashes! ¡Viva la REVOLUCIÓN! Also amazing job! This was an awesome way to conclude the series and if anyone has anything negative to say about it I will personally fight them.

Anonymous said: man u rlly done murdered my family huh,, pour one out💀👊🏼

Anonymous said: realistically,, they probably died getting into the facility room let’s be real,, joon?? with a gun?? 🤡 but,, my ending would’ve ended like warm bodies where the zombies were freed and accepted back into society,, while y/n and jungoo stare out at a sunset all madly in love and shit,, and then she finally got that newly resurrected, living peepee 😪😤🤧

Anonymous said: I like the open ending so I can imagine they didn’t actually kill yn’s family 😔

unknowntalesx said: brrrooooo i LOVE IT , Y/N BEING LIKE FUCK YOU IM TAKING YOU DOWN FROM THE INSIDE OUT HAS ME LIVINGGGGGG ugh so good , thank u for this content 🌼

rosesareblack99 said: I CANT BELIEVE THEY KILLED HER FAMILY SBSJSKSKSKSKSL also zombieKook is such a sweetheart like no human man can relate.ooof you did your thing again rose now if you’ll excuse me i have a very important meeting with bitchin’

madjammil said: I have to say that as much as I absolutely loved the long awaited reveal of zombie peepee, I want you to know I laughed out loud at the exchange between the oc, JK and Namjoon after their little tryst on the rooftop, when she wanted to confirm that he had a pulse. Freaking hilarious. I have really enjoyed this series, so sorry that its over.

Anonymous said: “let’s go get your family back” jesus christ rose you’re literally a heartbreaker like this ending it’s just perfect your mind amazes me sometimes so im gonna cry myself out now ok bye

Anonymous said: what about my hamster 😭😭😭 they quickly duck in and grab anarchy and go save the world ok? promise me 😭

poor anarchy :(( it up to decided what happens with her :D

Anonymous said: Rose, please give me my heart and soul back. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 THAT WAS SO BEAUTIFULLY DEVELOPED!!! This is so different to everything I've ever read and I'm loving every second of it!!! My heart pounds so fast thinking about what an epic journey to confrontation this was, and what awaits for them!! The plot twist,the development...everything was exquisite👏👏✨ what if they got to save Jungkook's family and made an association for the reinsertion of the undead? Or what if (1/3) - 👻

none of them survived the confrontation, succumbing before they could even meet the others? The angst... My masochist heart imagines Namjoon telling the oc his feelings and admitting he only agreed to this just to buy time with her, because DEAD would find them eventually, so every second with her precious to him even if he lost her already... or them meeting jk's brothers and planning something huge, but in the end, they fail... GOSH my heart is just an uncontrollable (2/3) - 👻

mass of emotions right now and I feel so alive it hurts😭😭 I'm seriously trying to think when did I ever felt like this after reading a story, and the only experience that comes close is when I finished reading "The book thief" by Markus Zusak...however yours hit me harder somehow??? I just feel a beautiful tug at my heart and I can't but thank you for the heart and time you've poured into this masterpice, Rose!! Thank you so much! 😭 this is officially my all time favorite ilysm 3/3 -👻

I LOVED ALL THESE THEORIES!! OMG UR MIND

#ask

[jimlingss]

pt.2 of yesterday

I don’t want to flood people’s dashes, so hopefully answering your messages here will suffice!

anonymous asked: Hi! I wanted to tell you how much I love your work and how you make me enjoy every Monday thanks to your regular updates ! I saw a previous anon telling you how your writings lacks of emotion and I totally disagree with them... obviously everybody won’t like it but your stories just DON’T lack of love or emotion this is madness I want to thank you for publishing your amazing stories freely here for everyone to read. (Sorry if my English is weird I’m french ejfjekfjd)

“this is madness” LOL

You’re hilarious, anon. And your english is perfectly fine!!!

anonymous asked: Hello! Im the culinary student anon who sent you an ask a while ago and i saw you received an ask about the lack of emotion from your stories. I read kitchen romance and i actually really really like it and don’t quite understand how it lacks in emotions as I interpreted the stories more like the beginning of the oc and jin’s love story and they are only starting to open up to each other so i guess thats why anon might feel like it lacks romantic vibe from both of the characters. (1)

Anonymous said: Just want to tell you that you’re one of the best writer and ive been following you for 2/3 years now, you never failed to amaze me with your writings!! All your stories are so well written that i sometimes wonder how do you come up with such an amazing plot every single time and your stories are always nice to re-read and the effort you pour into creating your stories is also admirable (2)

while i was reading kitchen romance and ive only started s&c (currently on chapter 4) i can say that its pretty similar with how it is irl (and the part where we find out jk is an iu fans reminded me of my ex-crush whose also a culinary student, i would like to tell you a story about it but ill just waste your time lol) , just want to send you a few encouragement and love for you and your writings *sending virtual hugs* (3) -👩🏻‍🍳anon

You’re too kind, thank you (and also, welcome back!). I’ll be frank, there was a hot second I was considering taking down Kitchen Romance but I didn’t cause I don’t want my efforts of editing it to go to waste asdfghjkl. I can’t believe you’ve been sticking around me for so long :’) it’s always nice to know some folks stay. Anyway, I’m glad that Sugar and Coffee is pretty similar to how it works irl since I tried my best to do research. I definitely love a good storytime as well so don’t worry about wasting my time :>

Anonymous said: a good majority of your fics display an unfathomable amount of DEPTH. regarding character development. plot. even the shortest lines of dialogue reveal so much more to the character and unveil their true emotions. i personally think the more REALISTIC side of love may be perceived as 'bland.' ‘emotionless.’ whatever you want to call it. nothing’s wrong with portraying a relationship that isn’t overboard with a whole lot of tooth aching fluff or lowkey annoying pda. +1

Anonymous said: there’s nothing wrong with taking out a bit of emotion to fit the PERSONALITIES of the characters. some people out there don’t necessarily feel a lot of emotions. so it’s honestly not really a mistake if a story lacks it (unless it was unintentional). subtlety is an art that is hard to master, but you’ve done it! and to respond to the anon, sometimes, if you skim through a fic without reading every word the author intended for you to read, +2

Anonymous said: then it’s quite common to not feel the full extent of the emotions you were supposed to feel. just a thought but no hate. we’re all entitled to our opinions. but besides that, kina, you write on a vast scale ranging from hardcore angst to diabetes-inducing fluff. and you do it beautifully. sure there are some stories that are better than others, but i believe a LOT of it comes down to personal preference and taste. +3

Anonymous said: even if you are feeling creatively limited, you work hard to continue writing for your readers, and your determination and diligence wILL NOT GO UNNOTICED. i just want you to know that you write amazingly. your syntax is practically immaculate, your characters feel real… the endings of your stories always wrap something up and the strings are tied—even if it isn’t necessarily a happy ending. you can convey hundreds of different characters through WORDS. +4

Anonymous said: i’ll have you know that it’s hard to write. it’s even harder to write about people who aren’t YOU. so as someone who looks up to you a lot, i want to commend you for your writing. some of your fics that i read on a monthly basis: tears of a villain, a piece of the moonlight, head over heels to hell, ghost in the machine, a mark of betrayal, a kiss of poison, until yesterday, the truth between us and arcadia. +5

Anonymous said: to be fair, there were way more fics but i didn’t want to make this message any longer than it already is LOL. i find these pieces wonderful. heart wrenching. and SO DAMN EMOTIONAL IT PLAGUES MY MIND FOR DAYS. also you’re literally one of the few fucking people who can use the em dash correctly. thank you so much for sharing your talent with us! +6

Oh my goodness. I don’t even know what to say, anon. This is a whole damn thesis and it’s about my fics :’> You know, it’s easy to brush off fanfiction as a ‘whatever’ thing and indeed, it isn’t that big of a deal compared to some things in the world. But I really do take all my stories seriously and put forth a lot of effort - so to see it recognized and appreciated it makes me beyond happy. It’s good to know that my efforts haven’t gone to waste at all and that there are people out there who will support me no matter the endeavours I take. Thank you so much. You don’t know how much this means to me.

((Also, honestly I picked up the em dash usage after I wrote The Truth Between Us with gukyi who used it. I’m pretty sure I’m not using it right but to hear that I am, god damn that’s a breath of relief right there))

backtobleuside submitted: Are you kidding me!? Your stories don’t lack love at all. They’re the kind of fics that you read, soak it all in and then come back for more. I’ve cried so much when I read Beyond reach, Boo-lieve in me, A piece of the moonlight, His name, Tell me lies etc. etc, and also laughed and felt the emotions of not just the OC, but also the other characters. Kitchen Romance was also so fluffy and sweet and personally, I don’t think that anything needs to be added to it. Anyway, your fics do not lack emotion—you’re probably the first author I send a message to because your stories impacted me a lot and left a strong impression on me. I even imagine your characters as real people who have real lives that continue on even after the story is done.

asdfghjkl thank you :’) I see you every week and sometimes several times at that. I really appreciate your consistent feedback and following. You never fail to send me a message too which I appreciate a lot. I’m glad you’re enjoying everything I’m producing!!

youngfleurever said: Would just like to say that your fics do in fact make me violently sob to the boy where my eyes are so swollen I have trouble opening them the next day and I wake up feeling like there’s sawdust in my mouth because I’m dehydrated.

oh my god. please keep yourself hydrated hahahahhaha more importantly, how do you know what sawdust in your mouth is like. WHAT have you been doing LOL

Anonymous said: I’ve felt emotions that I’ve never felt before when I read your fics.... so as a person that has read your entire masterlist, I DO NOT think that your fics lack emotion.... I hope you don’t feel disheartened because you’re one of my favourite writers, not just on tumblr but like, evER 💓💓💓💓💓💓

Please, even if I was disheartened, the overwhelming amount of feedback and praise has completely overridden it :’)

joonie-mono said: when tumblr deletes the first part of your ask 🙄😌✌️

LOOOOOOOL

haylo4ever said: Sorry had to add my 10 cents. You're such a talented writer,,, I WISH I could write a smol smol 1/1000000000 that you write,,, like I remember when I followed you bc I was in awe of your writing.... I mean?? Sure maybe not every fic hits it with someone but it's just ridic to name drop (a friend nonetheless) when you're all extremely talented writers.

Trust me, writing comes with practice!! I should honestly just tattoo that on me. God knows my first fanfic was absolutely GARBAGE. I didn’t know pacing, didn’t know that I should separate chunks of paragraphs, how to write dialogue or describe scenes properly. I went in blind. Even my second, third and fourth fanfic was garbage. You could definitely get to “my level” or even far surpass it with enough dedication and practice. I mean I’ve been writing for four years, so thank GOD there’s been improvement. I wouldn’t be natural if there wasn’t. But clearly the more you practice, the better you improve! That applies to anything.

The me in ten years will certainly be better now.

Anonymous said: Hi kina! I’m here in support of kitchen romance! I actually didn’t feel like it was missing a ton of fluffy moments (and I say that as a huGE LOVER OF FLUFF) but the story was just as entertaining in the whole chase of them getting closer to each other! It’s honestly one of my favorite one shots I’ve read lately and I’m not saying that lightly! Also, that anon that said your work lacks emotion has probably not read like half of your masterlist bc oO MAN QUEEN OF MAKING ME CRY- black heart anon🖤

Thank you :’]

Anonymous said: Ok I’m very offended wow the audacity!Specially coming for my baby kitchen romance like that story made me feel so much and it’s only one of the many fics you have written kina like I’m literally baffled like dynasty has made me cry scream happy and hot all at the same time and I was literally just thinking about it that whole weekend and this anon has the nerve to say your stories lack emotions?When you are literally the queen of show casing all types of emotions in your stories!You did it all

Anonymous said: Also 😭😭😭😂😂😩hoooooooow and whereeee did they see any lack of love and emotions like have you read jungle park???? Inside my mind??? FREAKING SUGAR AND COFFEE (like this fic is made with love and I- ) Actually you know what , just read the whole masterlist😩😩💗💗💗

LOL tbh I didn’t expect Dynasty to receive the love it has. I was actually kind of wary when posting it cause it’s kind of Wild. 

bangtans-peaceful-piegon said: just gotta say u handled that whole anon thing so well which not only makes me admire u as a writer but even more as a person :] (i mean i knew u were gr8 before the whole deal but yeah love ya 💛)

tbh, I’m not sure how well I handled it cause I was flooded with over 30 messages afterwards (evidently) ;_; which I love and appreciate but I’m not really as hurt as some people think hahaha criticism should be received well but it’s still hard not to take personally tbh. It’s gonna have to be something I work on or perhaps it’ll be one of those things that I’ll take better with age.

#anonymous #👩🏻‍🍳anon #backtobleuside #youngfleurever #joonie-mono #haylo4ever #black heart anon🖤

[who-is-olivia]

Track 2. Sign of the Times

Harry Styles x OC

Harry meets Olivia and slowly falls in love in the cold London evening. [4.4k]

Genre: fluff

Warnings: substance abuse

March 2012

“Hey Oli, he’s here” Frank calls over the bar stools and Oli descends from the stage. Uncle Jim’s bar is still closed, so it gives the band some privacy to talk along with their manager, Uncle Jim.

“How was the meeting?” she asks Jim, who struggles to walk on his cane and sits on a chair with a thud.

“It was great, they’re really interested in the EPs and the live performances” Olivia smiles encouragingly towards Frank, Gina and Fiona. “But they have a few contingencies”

“What sort of contingencies?” Fiona cuts anxiously.

“Well, after they studied the material you gave, they want to test you out as an opening act for a British band that’ll debut in America this year, they think you hit the same target demo so it’s a no risk deal” he begins, throwing his sunglasses over the table. “However, you’d have to agree to change your image to become more in-sync with the band, and I won’t sugarcoat this... they want to change a lot”

“Like what?”

“Like Frank’ skirts, for a start”

They all protest, except for Frank. “Ok, I’ll do it”

“What?!”

“Guys, it’s a recording deal that already comes with a tour in America, can you imagine how big we’ll get?” he shifts in his seat excitedly, “So what if I can’t wear the skirts on stage, I’ll deal with that later”

Gina taps her nails on the wood agitatedly, “What do you think, Jim? Is it a good deal?”

“I’m not gonna lie, it’s way better than Dirty Hit. It’s hard for an act to get a deal this good so early in their career, I think you should take it”

“Right, then that’s all we need to hear” Frank gets up and pats Jim’s shoulder on his way to the bar. Gina and Fiona follow his steps, getting ready to open the establishment while Olivia stays put, still uneasy.

“I don’t like this”

“I imagined you wouldn’t, but it’s a really good deal, I wish I had one of those when I started”

“I understand, it’s probably good for our first album and stuff but changing the image to suit another brand? I mean, who are we opening for?”

“It’s a boyband called One Direction, they’re getting big in the UK, chances are they’ll get big here and you’ll want to ride that wave when it gets here” he gets up, leaning on the chairs. 40 years touring with a rock band did take its toll on him – that or the drugs.

  Later, after their night shift, the four of them make their way back to the Columbia University dorms. Winter is just starting, but it’s still tolerable to walk the streets at night.

“This time next year we’ll have a flat each, imagine that” Fiona taunts Frank.

“Fuck, I wanna live in SoHo” he cries.

“Guys, do you really wanna do this?” Oli lights up a cigarette and frowns uncomfortably, “I checked the band today, they’re pretty clean cut, if we have to live up to that...”

“I checked them too, they seem nice” Fiona replies, taking a drag of her cigarette.

“Oli, you can’t judge someone you never met” Frank turns to her and hugs her shoulders. “Tell you what, we’re going to London next week to sign with the label, we should hit ‘em up and hang out, I bet you’ll change your mind”

  On the other side of the Atlantic, Harry’s laying on his couch scrolling through Twitter when Louis walks in with Eleanor after a romantic night out.

“What’s up, curly?”

“Nothing much, hi Els!”

“Hi!” she says slightly before she and Lou disappear in his bedroom.

  He drops the phone in his chest and stares at the ceiling. His ears are filled by their muffled giggles and whimpers, the thuds and thumps of two people who are clearly about to fuck. It kills him that not so long ago they were both moving in together and throwing house parties. At one of those occasions, when they were both hammered, Louis pulled him into that same bedroom and kissed him playfully.

  Harry didn’t take it playfully. It was no secret that he had a massive crush on his bandmate and when given the opportunity he took it further. So he slammed Louis against the wall and went down on him, taking that first step to explore his sexuality more than he ever did before, but it stopped there. The next morning Lou said he was just messing around, it wasn’t anything serious. And now here he is, fucking his girlfriend a few steps away from where he lays. He can’t stand it. So he takes his car keys and leaves, opting to sleep at Zayn’s place.

  Every night is the same, he sleeps at a friend’s to avoid getting his heart slammed under a rock when Lou and Els come back to the flat. One afternoon, he’s getting ready to go to Niall’s when Lou returns alone and on a rush.

“Where are you going?”

“I was just going to Niall’s”

“Niall’s coming with us to meet the opening act” he explains, changing his used shirt for a new one, “did you forget?”

“Uh... absolutely”

“Then come on, we’re late already”

  As they rush out, Oli drags her getting ready ritual for as long as she can. She decides to make a very complicated beehive bun with her havana twist braids, putting all her rings in there, finishing up with a heavy smokey makeup. By the time she’s ready to go, Frank’s very irritated. All he did was to put on a dress and a leather jacket.

“Why the long face?” she taunts.

“I know what you’re doing and it’s not nice” he sits behind her with those angry puppy eyes.

“Frank-“

“You’re trying to make an impression and the way you’re doing it might make us lose that deal” he interrupts.

“I would never make us lose the deal, I know how important it is to you” she holds eye contact trying to convey how genuinely she means it. Frank is more than just her brother, he’s her best friend and the only family who hasn’t given up on her, she doesn’t take this lightly. “I do not, however, think you’re looking at the bigger picture, but I can’t just fuck this up, not when I know what’s in stake”

“Alright, come on, make peace” he reaches his arms to her and pulls her to a hug, slowly tumbling her over the bed.

She panics, “Frank, no! My hair!”

“Fuck your hair, I’m trying to make peace here” he laughs it off.

  The One Direction boys are the first to arrive at the Clarance, a cozy little pub over at Trafalgar Square. Fiona and Gina arrive next, taking the seats closer to Zayn and Niall. Harry seats a bit distant, still very much immersed on his Twitter feed.

“Where’s the dude with the skirts?” Liam asks them playfully.

“He’s coming with Olivia”

“Who’s Olivia?”

“His sister” Fiona begins, “and they don’t look very much alike so please, don’t ask many questions, they get a bit embarrassed about it”

  Harry frowns but ultimately lets the subject fade. He orders a second beer at the bar and when he gets back to the table he’s faced with the late guests greeting everyone from afar. The man in a dress sits closer to everyone in the table, leaving him and the woman in the furthest corner. It’s true, they don’t look exactly alike: Frank is as pale as snow while Olivia’s skin is really dark, but closely examining their faces he can see some similarities like the eyebrows, the chin and the pitch black eyes that don’t seem to absorb any light at all. However, her eyes are the last thing he notices when she sits in front of him.

  She looks... intimidating, if he can say so. From hair to toe every bit of her seems meticulously crafted in an over-the-top way that makes her look like royalty, both in its beauty and its exclusivity. He feels like there’s a wall around her he can’t breach, even her posture communicates so. And she’s quiet but not meek, just commensurate. The only time he hears her voice is when she orders her drink then when she thanks the waitress. He’s too intimidated to talk to her but at the same time he can’t focus on anything else.

  The table seems agitated in conversation, except from the two of them who’re too distant to take part in any subject, so he tries to take that opportunity and talk to her. At first he stutters but she doesn’t notice, so he tries again.

“You like London?” he asks.

She takes a second to answer, not noticing that the question is directed to her. “Oh, yeah, just a bit too cold and grim for my taste”

“I know, thought the same when I first came here”

“Where are you from?”

“Cheshire, it’s a small farm city, you probably never heard of it”

She chuckles, “I’ve actually been to Cheshire a few months ago”

“No way”

“I went to record some vocals, meet with some friends and stuff. It’s a nice place”

“And you? Where are you from?”

“I’m from the most beautiful city in the world, and I say this in the most unpretentious way” she mocks, biting on her tongue playfully and capturing his attention. “Guess?”

“Hm... Havana?”

“No”

“Fuck’s sake, hm... LA?”

“LA is hideous”

“I don’t know, you don’t have an accent” she laughs at his distress.

“Rio”

His drunken mind struggles to recall where Rio is, but he knows it to be somewhere in the coast of Brazil. “Oh... that’s nice, isn’t there where the Christ statue is?” he asks mimicking the open-arms stance and bumping into Liam.

She giggles out loud for once, “Yeah, that’s the place”

  As they continue, the rest of the table becomes less important than their well humored chatter. Slowly, that unreachable facade starts to crumble as he finds talking to her as easy as breathing. He stops at the second beer and forgets to order anything else as he’s entertained by her stories about the band, Rio and her Uncle Jim.

“I’ll just have a smoke outside, do you...?”

“No, but I’ll come with”

  They get their coats at the door and stand outside as she lights a long slim hand-rolled cigarette, blowing the smoke away from him.

“How long you’ll be staying?”

“We leave tomorrow, Frank and I were thinking about getting matching tattoos in the morning”

“Can I ask you something that’s absolutely none of my business and if you don’t want to-“

“Just go for it” she cuts.

“Alright... what’s the deal with you and Frank?”

“Oh...” her smile slowly fades and her eyes fall to the ground.

“You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, your friend said you might get embarrassed and I really shouldn’t have asked-”

“No, it’s ok, it’s just kind of a long story” she dismisses, “and most times people aren’t as careful as you, specially with the whole skin color thing”

He nods understandingly. “I see”

“Well, what’s going on is that our dad knocked up two different women at the same time: his wife, who had Frank, and his mistress, who had me. My mom raised me in Rio with her family, she never told me who my father was until he came to see me and he brought Frank. I swear to you I never gave two shits about my father, but-“ she chokes, getting a bit emotional, “but they didn’t let me see Frank, and I just love him more than anything in the world. So my parents made me choose and I chose Frank” she smiles briefly, regaining her posture. “Sorry, I just don’t like to tell this story”

“It’s ok” he tries to soothe, “I have a sister, she’s in college so I haven’t seen her in a while. When we lived at my mum’ she used to drive me crazy, she was so fucking boring with her books and her clever stuff and her bloody cupcakes, now I miss her like crazy. Last month I got a tattoo with her name in Hebrew”

“Why Hebrew?”

“‘Cause it looks like a drawing” she snorts a laughter through her still constricted throat. He laughs along, pretty aware how stupid it is.

She wipes her nose quickly, holding the cigarette away from her face, “That’s brilliant”

“I know, I know” he fakes humility.

Suddenly, Liam and the girls leave with their coats on. “‘ello guys”

“Where are you going?” Harry asks.

“I’m feeling a bit nippy so I’m heading home, I’ll give ‘em a ride. Do you want a ride?” he asks Oli.

“No, thank you” she smiles politely at him.

“Okay, bye guys!”

They watch Liam and the girls get a cab and leave, then shortly after the rest of the group comes through the door, “What’s going on?”

“It’s too quiet in here, we’re going to a bar in Soho” Frank replies handing Olivia her purse, “you coming?”

“Hm... sure” she looks at Harry and he nods.

“Right, you have to get another cab, this one’s full lads” Louis informs and Harry sighs.

“It’s fine, guess we’ll just walk”

“If you say so” they all get inside the car and slam the door, leaving Harry and Olivia behind. Just as the cab leaves, a cold wind blows them in the face.

“Bad idea, bad idea” she sings, rubbing her hands together.

“Hey, give me your hands” she shoves her hands palms up towards him and waits as he fiddles in his pockets, finding a pair of mittens. He dresses them in both her hands and rubs them together until she’s warm. She watches from up close as he holds her fingers earnestly and squeezes them in reassurance, “Better?”

She misses a beat, too distracted to answer right away, “Much better, thanks”

  They begin walking towards Trafalgar Square, bumping shoulders all the way to the monument. She takes particular notice of the clumsy way he walks close to her, it’s quite endearing how he scoots closer but is still too shy to walk confidently beside her. When they arrive at the Square, she suddenly stops and looks up to the sky.

“You know what I hate about London?”

He frowns, “The cold?”

“Can’t see the stars”

  Harry then looks up to the sky and for the first time actually notices that the sky, when not covered by clouds, is always just a black-brownish color all throughout. He’s never seen stars in London, at least in the part of the town he lives in.

“Too many lights and the pollution, it’s a sign of the times really: you can’t see the beauty behind the outcome of progress. In Rio, anywhere you go there’s just so much sky” he discreetly glances away from the sky and towards her. “If you look up and realize that the small dots are actually massive balls of heated gas you can actually feel the distance between them, it’s some sort of... upside down vertigo. You feel your mind breaking through the atmosphere and the distances all align, it’s quite a sight”

For one brave moment he speaks his mind: “Don’t know about that, but things look pretty good down here too”

She looks back at him and laughs nervously, not knowing how to react to the compliment so she deflects it. “Hope you’re talking about the lions”

“You know I’m not...” he smirks, making his remarkable dimples pop.

Olivia smiles away from him, pacing awkwardly towards him. “You know what? I don’t want to meet them in Soho”

“Neither do I”

“How about we just... take a stroll around the city?”

“Alright, I can do that” he offers his arm and she laces hers with his.

“Wait, can we get one of those big red buses?”

“Sure”

  They walk to a nearby bus stop and get on the second store of a big red bus that goes around Westminster and then up to St. Paul’s, passing through all the big tourist attractions.

“You’ve never been to London before?”

“No, but I’ve been to Cheshire” she explains as he smoothly rests his arm over her backboard, “Our old label had a studio in New York but it was too expensive to rent, so Uncle Jim sent us to a bunch of different studios in Chicago, Cheshire, Stockholm and such. He has a lot of friends in the industry so we practically borrowed them”

“Nice”

“It was nice, but the 4 of us were in college so it was a bit troublesome... even more because I met a guy...”

“Oh boy” he mock-gasps.

“Yeah, he was in a small band with his friends from school, they were recording an EP in the same studio as us and we he hit it just like that” she snaps her fingers, “but it lasted just as long as we were there. When I came back to New York we never spoke again... but I can’t stop thinking about it, it’s so-“

“Frustrating?” he guesses and she nods vehemently.

“Yes!”

“Yeah, I know what it’s like. You share so much of your intimate life, you become vulnerable with someone who doesn’t think that’s important” he finishes, staring at the distant horizon of the Thames as they cross the Lambeth Bridge. “And then he just brings his girlfriend over and have sex with her everyday to remind you that he didn’t want you, and you can’t tell that to anyone because you have an image to maintain”

She watches him quietly return from his daydream and whispers: “I’m so sorry, I had no idea”

He sighs, “It’s alright, just needed to get that off my chest”

She measures her words for a moment, deciding to just tell him everything. “When I met Matty, I had been struggling with my sexuality. I had dated a few girls but I wasn’t so sure if I wanted the same with boys. But I met him, and I was mad about him and I thought he was perfect for my first time. After that, we never talked again and I felt really stupid... I showed him the most vulnerable side of me and he didn’t even care, I was just a nice shag” Harry frowns sadly, nodding along in understanding. “And I had a few other affairs after him, but it was the first time and I felt so awful about it, I don’t know-“

“I do. I’ve been pining up for Lou ever since we first met, and like... I though it was just friendship but it’s not, I don’t feel that way. It’s not the first time I’ve felt like that about a boy, I do like boys and girls, but I’ve never told anyone – except maybe my sister” she chuckles briefly. “Anyway, one day he just kisses me, out of the blue, and takes me to his bedroom and I think this is my chance, and I straight up give him a gobby-“

“What’s a gobby?”

“It’s hmm-“ he leans closer to her, “a blowjob”

“Oh”

“Yeah, I did something I had never done before, I had never gotten that... intimate with someone. And when I did, the next day he said it was all a joke” he chokes a bit, “when it wasn’t a joke to me. But I can’t just not feel...”

She holds his hand, “I know what you mean... it’s like we know we’ve been in this situation before but we’re just stuck...”

He nods, ponderative. “You know, I don’t want to talk about this anymore”

“Yeah, this turned into a terrible conversation way too quick”

“I want a drink”

  They drop at a little marketplace in Lambeth and choose to buy a bottle of wine. As she doesn’t enjoy red wine, they settle for a bottle of white and sit on one of the barricades at the margins of the Thames.

“You know what, Olivia-”

She snorts as the wine’s already working its magic, “Don’t call me that”

“It’s your name”

“But nobody calls me, it’s appalling!” she replies dramatically.

He leans over her folded leg, trying to balance the wine bottle, “What should I call you, then?”

“Oli is fine”

“Alright”

“How would you like me to call you?” she gestures towards him.

“I don’t know, people call me all sorts of thing: curly, curls, Harry, Hazza”

“I like Hazza, it’s quite inventive”

“Be my guest”

“Alright Hazza, you were saying?”

He frown, “What was I saying?”

“I have no idea” she laughs, falling over his shoulder and leaving a rim of makeup on his jacket.

He tries to recompose himself before talking again, “I think I was trying to tell you that I’m really excited about this tour, specially now that I’ve met you”

“Awn” she melts, “you’re so sweet... but I don’t know if I want to tour with you guys”

“Why not?”

“It’s just that the label is making some huge changes in our image for us to tour with you, I don’t know if I want to go through that and make a name for myself pretending to be someone I’m not...”

“But think about this” he tries to focus her eyes on his, “we’re kind of big here, and when we go to America we’ll get BIG big and so will you. Once you get that big, you can do whatever the fuck you want, you just have to go through this little hurdle and then the world is yours”

“I like that but I don’t know if that’s how it’ll play out”

“If it doesn’t then at least you’ll have a lot of fun, eh?” he taunts her with that big bright smile. “Come on”

“Haz...”

“Please, come on... I really wanna tour with you” he scoots closer to her, “I’ve been talking to you all night and I feel like we haven’t talked enough”, at this proximity, she has to turn her face away as to not look him in the eye. “And I think you feel the same”

“I... might feel the same” he bites his cheeks victoriously as she turns back to look him in the eye for the first time this close, “and I might take that tour but I can say anything for sure when I’m drunk”

“You’re not that drunk”

“No? Then why do I want to kiss you so bad?” she blurts and he raises his eyebrow with a dimply smile.

  He wastes no time with a cheeky reply, just closes the small gap between them feeling sparks fly in his stomach. Her lips are cold but very soft and very patient against his, she doesn’t deepen it right away just savors that innocent touch. She cups both of his cheeks as he hugs her waist closer to him, feeling her chest against his rapidly rising one. He deepens the kiss by leaning over her and touching their tongues in a slightly sensuous fashion, making their exchange gain a lot of pace. Her hands slide from his cheeks to his chest, pushing him back a bit. When their lips part he can feel a tingle as if there’s electricity coursing through them.

  She leans her forehead against his and for a moment they say nothing, just breath into each other. Before any of them can say anything, Harry leans and kisses her cheek earnestly, caressing the other with his free hand as she rests her head against the crook of his neck.

“You smell so good...” she whispers against his skin, making him giggle at the spontaneous commentary.

“Thanks, I try my best”

“You’re doing a marvelous job” she mocks, getting a grip on the wine bottle they’ve been sharing for a while now. “It’s empty already?”

“Yeah, I might have spilled a bit in the river while you were snogging me”

“Do you call that ‘snogging’?”

“How would you call that?”

“Making out?”

“See, I have a lot to learn, that’s why you have to come to the tour”

“Do you think you won’t go snogging other girls and guys when I’m on tour with you?” she teases him.

“I might even snog someone, but this” he pulls her closer, “I never had this with anyone... and I don’t know if I’ll have it again anytime soon”

“You’re not saying that just ‘cause I told you my sob story earlier, are you?”

“I told you mine too, you didn’t want to kiss me because of that” they laugh.

  Eventually, they grow tired of the cold and of having to buy cheap booze on shady corner streets, so Harry walks her back to the hotel. The lights of the main hall are already out, save for one above the front desk where a night manager keeps watch. She calls the elevator and turns to him one last time.

“I’d invite you upstairs but there’s three other people in the bedroom so it might not be as romantic as the Thames”

“Yeah, I think we should call it a night”

“I guess I’ll see you around” she paces forward, giving him silent permission to lean in and kiss her goodbye. He cups her cheek, gently letting go of her lips just as the elevator arrives.

“Goodnight Oli”

“Sleep tight” she replies, getting into the elevator and disappearing into the night.

  By the time Harry arrives at his flat the sun is almost up, this time he walks past Louis’ door without even noticing its existence. He crashes into the bed and recalls the events of the night, rolling over the mattress until he can properly rest his head. Finally after weeks of martyrdom he can stop crying over someone who won’t give him the affection he craves and just rejoice on the one he actually gets.

  He takes his phone out of his pocket and groans for a moment as he recalls he did not write down her number. In this day and age when he can access people instantly it is tortuous to not be able to just reach out immediately to the one person that’s on his mind. It builds inside his chest like a dark cloud, peaking his anxiety all over again.

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