#i just want. to not have to panic. abt when ill be able to function again | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

icedmetaltea · 1 month

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Yesterday was ok, today anxiety's been awful again...

(rambling abt anxiety and nonsense venting below)

felt dizzy/bit of vertigo throughout the morning and when I checked my BP it was 154/108 so that scared the shit out of me... I took a bit of propranolol and that seems to be helping but I'm worried bc when I asked about what a dangerous BP was my stepdad said 160 and up and that's uncomfortably close. The last time it was high it was only like 140/90 so this was really scary

I called the number the crisis ppl give me from a resource sheet on friday again since I never got a response after leaving a message on monday but this time they told me to call yet another number and they said I couldn't get any kind of help till I came to their office to fill out some forms and like??? I CAN'T LEAVE MY FUCKING APARTMENT

Do these people never get ppl with severe agoraphobia?? The last time I had a full-on panic attack I screamed at the top of my lungs and had to call 911 to get ppl to calm me down so I'd stop hyperventilating, you want me doing that in public again??????

Anyway she told me I can call the supervisor and see if she could make an exception in my case BUT ofc she wasn't available and I had to leave a message, no clue when I'll hear back and when I do I doubt she'll even be able to help me

I fucking hate this system. This is why so many people kill and hurt themselves. When they are lost, when there's nowhere else to turn. When the crisis ppl come they give you a whole list of resources but what is there for people like me who are stuck at home, broke, unable to work bc they literally cannot function like this when it gets this bad every couple of months (sometimes more frequently)

it's either go to a psych ward where they'll pump you full of meds that'd just give me the same "locked in" panic attacks which trust me are far worse than toughing it out at home where at least it isn't bright and loud and horrible or face shit on your own

I thought it was starting to get better, yesterday I cooked 3 meals for myself, I went outside and sat on the step for 5 mins, today I can't get out of bed bc every time I try the room spins. Even when I'm laying down like this it's bad. Even if I close my eyes it's bad... I slept better last night and I thought I was doing well but no, midway through the day everything's horrible again. I keep feeling out of breath no matter how many deep breaths I take... other times I feel like there's "too much air" and I'm breathing too fast and can't slow it down... how do I even describe it??

I feel like I'm going insane but at the same time I know it's been this bad and worse before. I remember my childhood. I remember laying on the floor struggling to breathe, alone. I remember begging god to take this sensation of dread to go away, or to just let me die. Anxiety has a habit of always seeming... idk unfamiliar? No matter how many panic attacks you have, they always feel new

and what's worse is I can't even remember how I eventually always overcome these phases bc I ground rule growing up stemming from OCD I had at the time was I wasn't allowed to write anything in a journal bc it was "bad luck" or something (at the very least my OCD isn't nearly as bad these days) Idk if it takes days, weeks or months to get better. If I spend half a year or longer just waiting for things to get better then like um... it kinda becomes a quality of life issue, doesn't it?

Idk maybe it's the weather. It's 65 rn, yesterday it was mid forties, so maybe that's it. Well then I'm fucked bc it's only gonna get warmer as it approaches summer, and ya know climate change and everything wooooo

Doesn't help that the past two times when my stepdad witnessed me having those really bad attacks he said I should go to a padded cell or something... I know where he grew up there was no such thing as mental illnesses or therapy, only "crazy and not crazy", but damn it hurts. At least my bio dad understood what was going on to some extent. He knew anxiety was out my control, that I was going through it but that it didn't make me "crazy", just that my body was reacting physically to something seemingly unsurmountable on a mental level.

My stepdad was even surprised when I told him anxiety is the second most common mental illness nation-wide. I've talked to many other bad anxiety-sufferers, the reason you don't see us outside a lot is bc most of us are inside afraid to leave our houses! We're literally just trying to survive in bodies with malfunctioning nervous systems and in a society that literally is built around causing stress on a daily basis- on normal people, so just think about how that is if you literally have the being-stressed-out disorder my guy

it also seems like whenever I talk to my mom about this she tries to immediately talk about something else. Like I messaged her earlier today and when I brought up feeling dizzy and having a high BP she just said "Sorry you're having a challenging day! We're at the library getting library cards. Libraries are nice!" like sure some ppl like talking about light hearted stuff to distract them but sometimes I just need someone to be there and listen, you know? All it does is make me clam up and bottle all my emotions in, which ofc makes it worse.

I'm scared to check my BP again. I feel like there's something terribly wrong with my body but it's not as if I can see a doctor if I can't 1. afford it till medicaid processes or 2. fucking go to the doctor. You want me to have another one of those soul-crushing panic attacks and shriek around some stranger in an uber?? Hell no

So yea idk what to do. I have a math test this weekend and I've barely studied at all, can't get myself to focus on anything. I can't drop out again, I've already failed this class twice. I don't think they'd let me take it again and I'm pretty sure I've run out of financial aid to pay for it

Ofc mom and dad are gone, my sister said she'd visit me the other day but "forgot" to, so I'm alone. Completely and entirely alone.

The one thing I have going for me is the PMDD won't start up for another week or two so at the very least I have a will to live rn. Anxiety and depression usually go hand-in-hand but since it's just anxiety atm I'm still able to have the motivation to cook and clean when I'm not ya know unable to get out of bed bc my heart is beating out of my chest

When it does come back, well... I'll keep those crisis numbers on speed dial. I've survived all this horseshit, I might as well make it worth something. Idk maybe the thing I'll keep living for rn is a fucking pet fish someday. I have to hold on to every tiny thing that gets me through the day bc there is a chance, even if extremely slim, that things will in fact get better

#irl stuff #vent #tw anxiety #tw panic attacks #tw suicide #tw mental health #journal #kinda

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highschool-rooftop · 6 months

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oct. 27th, 2020

man its weird to think this blog is 2 years old isnt it? like when I started this i thought that i was anyday from just killing myself, i had no hope, no job, and was about to love my living situation but thanks to a few nice friends and accepting people, i was able to land a job at *generic sounding name for local seafood joint* and then after that place stressing me to the point of panic attacks and taking it out on the wait staff... then i ended things nice with that place despite how much i hated it and i apologized to the wait staff alot.. probably too much...

now ive worked at *big store chain* a year now and i hate it just as much as i hated *generic sounding name for local seafood joint* for a similar reason too!! i fucking despite the people that run the places i work because i know i could probably do their job 30× better, i just choose not to because thats also 30× more responsibility on my shoulders and ive already got broken legs from the shit i feel like im dealing with outside of work.

the more i focus for a minute the more i feel like my life is in shambles and that im barely functioning right anymore. ive been horribly depressed again as of the past couple months and my family i live with barely talk to me because im always in my room which is like totally fair, but if im not sleeping up there im using whatever energy is left from work to hang out with my friends because theyre actually engaged in the topics i talk about, they show interest and actually talk to me not at me. my aunt and uncle and i have few interests in common so its incredibly difficult for me to keep a conversation going for long with them. theyre always playing card games or board games but im not interested in them, theyre not really that fun for me. my uncle plays xbox but hes typically on COD which i dont enjoy because of how toxic those communities are, hes got minecraft but the last time he played he never told me he was getting on at all otherwise i would've joined! then theres me and my cousin who are currently on nearly completely different schedules and really only see each other when hes taking me to and from work which makes it hard to hang out and play games, and thats of hes even willing to play any of the games im comfortable with and not trying another Survival-Crafting-RPG-Game of the week or something like factorio which is hyper complicated and i dont have the time to dedicate to learning how to play correctly so i just end up being a resource collector and its kinda boring..

and all of thats just the at home situation. my friends at least hear from me more but since alot of them have moved out of town for college at this point i haven't hung out with a friend outside of work irl in like 5, maybe 6 months... and i dont interact with many people at work. im really really lonely.

small bit of good news i feel i should add here in case i dont come back again for a few months is that ive scheduled an appointment to see someone abt getting hrt, itll be Jan 19th! ill also be seeing a few of my online friends in December too!! i hope i can stay alive at least until then. sometimes i feel like im in the same situation i was in when i started this blog but those two things are the two things giving me the hope to keep pushing on i guess.

oh and my old friends birthday will be this weekend, i probably shouldve just forgotten them by now like they probably have me but in the off chance that they ever find this stupid blog: happy birthday BXXXXX, hope you have been in good health and that you are happy ! please be well and enjoy Freddy VS Jason and the Scary Godmother, and the live action Scooby Doo movies again this year !

with that i think thats all ive had to say. im neglecting mentioning new speaker of the house, Mike Johnson, and all the terrible horrible things i want to say abt him and how im worried it will fuck with my healthcare before i even recieve it due to the fact that im typing this up outside, its cold out, my phones almost dead, im tired, and i still have a bit of this bowl of the married iguanas to finish up with before unwinding and going to bed to repeat this living nightmare of a life all over again tomorrow. maybe ill watch adventure time before bed ..?

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student-film-lying-piece-of-shit · 5 years

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YEA!! YEA!! Like hes such a genuinely good person and like. When he punched Jay like. First of all he didnt know him? Like theyd barely met. And secondly it was warranted at the time! And like once he gets close to Jay he would never do that again. He would never hurt him. Like if he was truly an angry person he wouldve fucked him up when Jay attacked him for the tape but did he? Nope! Anyway akdkfk im riled up abt it

what makes me genuinely mad is that jay also gets ramped up. other characters get angry and upset and show emotion; as ive said time and time again, marble hornets is a character study on what obession and lack of control does to a normal functioning person. we don't go too in depth with lore like the other slenderverse series'. hell, the operator doesn't even get called that in series. he's just a "thing". a driving force.

a lot of the damage caused is by other people. unlike, let's say, emh where we see the boys physically attack/get attacked from the creatures and have communications, that's not it with the ARK and the opreator. it's purely a scenario of psychological torment and it is ambiguous. it's not lore centric, but rather, "what would these people do in this case?"

the only one with any (canon) mental illness prior was tim. weather it was "that thing" or actual mental illness (or rather, how much of it was psychological damage / how much operator), he was is played out and written as a character with mental problems.

ive said this before. im psychotic. i have panic attacks (ive actually had to skip entries before on watching because of how real tims panic attacks were to me, it very much so resembled mine and it was a trigger), hallunations, suicidal ideation and things tim struggles with.

and he's the hero. he's kind. he has a sense of humor. he auditioned for marble hornets knowing brian wanted to, and getting the hint that alex was in need for some helping getting cast members. he played along with jay's lies, until he snapped because he found out the truth after years of jay blindly lying to him and having his life put online for the world to see.

after that moment, tim had every right to leave jay behind and not help him. but he did. he forgave jay, and he tried his best to be as transparent as he could.

him breaking down in the hospital, realizing that his vague childhood trauma could be linked to this all. him finally projecting this on himself, going through the cycles of grieving and bawling his eyes out and shaking because he realized he didn't only hurt him, but the few people he had around him who didn't think of him as some freak.

tim finally accepting the situation, understanding the reality, and almost finishing his grief cycle. tim trying his best to stay calm and rational while jay was going down the path he was also on.

tim not only offering, but making jay share the only thing that he had to keep himself stable and not dissociate.

tim breaking down, tim realizing that the thing he did to protect jay was a self fulfilling prophecy and that he couldn't save him. that you can lead a horse to water all you want but that doesn't mean it'll drink it.

at the end tim did what he did because he had no other choice. he even did try to rationalize with him (and i throughly believe him saying "we can work together" was sincere. that he wanted to give alex the benefit of the doubt that he wasn't a horrible human) and try to fight it with him.

and he's still here. he still made it. one line that always struck with me was "i don't trust myself with a gun"

tim was able to understand he would hurt himself. he knew his limitations and boundaries and was able to separate his emotions and reasoning. right after one of his only friends died. right after when he was all by himself. he was able to hold onto a strand of rationality.

it fucking motivates me to understand that i, too, sometimes wouldn't trust myself with things. and that's okay.

tim is one of, if not, the most complex and real feeling characters in a slenderverse series. he is a giant comfort for so many because every single character with mental illnesses like tim is seen as a pure, true villian and evil. we finally have a character who is a genuinely good person who was driven to hurt someone. stop taking ONE of the only things we psychotic and dissociative folk have in this genre and shit on it

#bright talks #slenderverse #marble hornets #tim wright #creepypasta #// suicide #// suicide ment #// ableism #// death #// mh spoilers #// grief #// anxiety attack #// panic attack #// ask to tag #ask #anon

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princess-stabbity · 7 years

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@liam-kostco:

babe, i didn't have exactly the same kinds of problems, but I know how it feels to suddenly start realizing how much of your fucked upedness actually DOES go back to those early formative experiences . Even one time incidences of my parents (usually my dad) yelling and getting frustrated with me over something have stuck in my mind my whole life.

(this is why i’m afraid of being a mom tbh like i love kids i love the idea of having kids but i’m so full of sharp edges i worry abt being the cause of these kinds of memories)

or like realizing that probably the reason i have severe anxiety probably goes back to how intensely doom and gloom my parents were about the state of life and the world after bush got elected and 9/11 happened (my dad working for united + having his own anxiety problems = constant fear of the company going bankrupt and him getting laid off, which never happened, but still).

this is...very relatable, tbh. i tend to kind of write it off as “oh, i was always just an anxious kid” but like...it’s probably relevant that i lost my first grandparent at about age...4-5, i think, and another at 6 (plus 2 pets as well). it didn’t even occur to me that that might’ve been unusual until my friend’s mom commented on how early i’d been exposed to death, and like...she wasn’t wrong? i mean, after my grandfather died i started having recurring nightmares about death, to the point that our golden retriever sarah had to start sleeping in my bed with me to make me feel safe again. i had my first panic attack at about that time when i realized that i and everyone i had ever loved would die.

then, as a bonus, there was my dad’s general poor health and dangerous career choice, so like...i just kind of internalized the idea very young that my dad could die at any minute. i remember having a nightmare and subsequent panic attack about that as late as age...13?

and, y’know, even to the extent it is simply Who I Am, did you know that emerging research suggests that ptsd can basically be passed down? both mouse and human studies have furthered evidence that parents and even grandparents with ptsd have children with a tendency toward anxiety and fucked up cortisol levels, even if that parent or grandparent had no part in raising the kid.

guess whose dad developed ptsd in the 80s??

anyway, i therapy can be expensive, but if you can find something covered by insurance or even just get on medication (not sure if you are or not atm?), I would absolutely recommend doing so. I have both been the person who didn't do anything about my mental illness and watched it literally kill multiple family members, so uh...pls do ur best to get help bc ilu very much

i’m on zoloft rn, and tbh it’s been pretty good at boosting my mood, i think, if not my ability to function. it’s only a limited scrip, tho, so i gotta at least go back to my gp if not give in and go to therapy. tbh i’m p sure we could find somebody our insurance will cover....it’s just that i don’t know how long i’ll have insurance. i’ve been joking abt trying to use up all my insurance while i’ve got it, going to see all these docs, but i’m not really joking. i think i only have until my birthday. :/ so it’s like...do i really want to start this when idk how long i’ll be able to keep it up? and when i feel like i’m already using up all my spoons going to the doctors i’m already seeing? also what if my psychiatrist turns out to be a murder wizard who wants to have me at his next dinner party

and ilu2 babe 💖

#if i tell ppl on the internet it's KIND OF like actually working thru my problems with a trained professional amirite??

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