#i just want to have enough self-worth to be able to help people who won't treat me like shit afterwards

[rubysparx]

Honestly I don't think I'm qualified to make this post, I just don't know if I can make coherent enough words man. But the thoughts are in there and I will try to articulate them. This is probably going to be mostly images though. anyway yeah KABRU POST.

A couple nights ago (at approximately 2:30am, lasting a little over half an hour) I had a bit of a moment about Kabru. That, too, was mostly images- most of what you see in this more concise post were presented then as well. I think my main points of the "moment" were about Kabru's trauma + self hatred, his autism and/or general otherness, and also a little labru if you'd like..

I think something easy to start with is I wanna point out Kabru's constant back and forth and conflicting opinions of demihumans and how, I believe, thats a reflection of how he goes back and forth on what he believes his purpose of living is- and the general worth of his own life. I've said it before and i've just kinda shown it in images; Kabru is "i think im a monster and it disgusts me" where Laios is "I know im a human and it disgusts me" (i could go more into the latter on another post)

the above are both from the world bible, with the left being from the section on kobolds and the right being from the section on Kuro specifically. Utaya was very near to the desert where most of the kobold population is, this is likely why Kabru is able to speak Kuro's language- he grew up around demihumans. (chapter 48 cover, kobold chapter in the world bible) I won't try to speak for how his mother or the rest of utaya felt about the kobolds but I can say that Kabru was very much othered as a child, as was his mother, purely for the way her son's (kabru) eyes looked.

I feel like its fair enough to say that both kabru and the kobolds were othered, and possibly for similar reasons (villager's seeing them as nonhuman, as monsters) and the fact that Kabru learned their language probably didn't help his case. I think his perception of kobolds (and all demihumans, subsequently himself, as he probably still views himself as nonhuman or not human enough.. deep down) was damaged by the Utaya incident. at 2:30am when I first started this ramble my main comment was that "had the utaya incident not happened kabru would have little reason to feel ashamed for his connection to monsters. and may have ended up similar to laios in that he couldve had otherkin swag" which is just a sort of silly way of saying Kabru could've learned to love the thought that he is possibly nonhuman or at least not hated himself so much for it.

in the original ramble I said, and quote, "he has been STALKING laios. laios is his hyperfixation to learn how he can ever be loved. he keeps going back and forth so harshly on wether or not he wants to kill Laios and he clearly sees his survival from utaya not as an unfortunate trauma [*] but as a necessary, deserved fate. a punishment for his mother's witchy sins, and for his sin of being non-human. to atone for it all, to apologize for being alive, he tries to better the lives of all humanity. He was set on his way to dethrone the governor of the island . do you understand? im going insane" *i also said somethings about the way he processes other people's traumas and not his own. He's able to understand and even help some people, but he struggles to process his own issues and see himself as worthy of love and life.

^some examples of Kabru being understanding of or helping others who have suffered greatly. I think its also worth mentioning that with Rin (called "Lynn" in that translation) he says "I wish there was a way to get her out of this" though he's insisted and pushed for himself to go into a dungeon;

In chapter 94, Mithrun says "The desire I had left wasn't revenge. All I wanted.. was for it to finish devouring me." and I don't feel like it's a stretch to say Kabru was in a similar situation. Mithrun sought out the demon with no plan on how to kill something like that because deep down he wanted it to end his (Mithrun's) own life, to finish the trauma it caused and kill him. I think Kabru went into the dungeon in part with the hopes that it'd kill him. That the same thing that destroyed Utaya and caused him so much trauma would just.. finish him.

I just think Kabru is a beautifully complex character, I have a lotta thoughts on him and I don't see nearly as many analysis posts for him than I do Laios (despite labru being such a popular ship)

there is no tldr for this post idk how to summarize it. do what you will with this collection of images. have fun. go crazy

fun fact the woman in the bottom left corner is his mother, she is labeled here as "witch"

#dungeon meshi #delicious in dungeon #dunmeshi #kabru #kabru dungeon meshi #kabios #labru #yeah its a long post i dont care. read it #also i only mentioned it briefly but i do think kabru is autistic . #yk that post thats like 'no im not autistic i know all the social cues etc etc etc. hey wait a minute' yeah. that #ok whatever. starts making another laios post

[himehomu]

With Walpurgisnacht Rising coming in 2024, I want to talk about something that has been bothering me since Rebellion. It was never the “plot twist” of Homura separating Madoka from her godhood nor her taking those godlike powers for herself thus becoming the devil. It was always people's reactions to Homura doing this and the way they based her entire character around this specific moment that really rubbed me the wrong way. Saying she's a selfish monster who's trapping Madoka in a fake world for her own personal gain or that she's taking Madoka's agency away from her and making decisions for her that directly rebel against what Madoka wants... And, to that, I just want to know.... do literally any of you know what Madoka actually wants or are you just basing her character around her sacrifice?

Yes, it was for the benefit of all Magical Girls and yes it freed them from their cycle of selling their souls in the name of hope just to die at the hands of their own grief and despair, but Madoka didn't plan to abruptly cease to exist at the cost of it?? She didn't want to be stuck between life and death only existing as a deity meant to eradicate Witches for all of time. Madoka wished to erase Witches before they are born from the past, present, and future. Going back years upon years in time, destroying Witches and mercy killing Magical Girls; fighting forever, past and future, for all time. Ceasing to exist as an individual, only able to materialize and interact with someone when they're dying of grief and sadness and pain; relieving them of that pain so that their last moments won't be in agony, so they can die in peace, but there's none of that for Madoka. There's no death, no closure, no release, no freedom from this hell of being a weapon and nothing more.

But, Madoka would never voice these struggles and frustrations. Because Madoka isn't that kind of girl. She's the kind of girl who shoves all of her problems down and bases all of her self worth on how much she can do for others, how happy she can make others, and how useful she can be. She forces a smile and masks her pain because she doesn't want to burden anyone with her problems. She puts herself down constantly, risking her life trying to help others because she cares so little for herself. Without being useful, she believes her life has no value. And Homura knows this. Because Homura knows her. I feel like most people take Madoka's bright pink colors and smile at face value and don't realize she's chronically depressed. That's why in the first timeline, she and Homura naturally got along so well: they were both girls who hated themselves and based their self worth on how they made others around them feel, both self-loathing girls who deem themselves worthless if they're not useful in some way. Madoka was just better at hiding it than Homura was. And she still is by the 100th loop.

But, in Rebellion, when her memories of being a god are taken away from her, and she's given a hypothetical scenario of her fate, she says "wow that sounds awful and scary and lonely and I would never do something like that." The Flower Field scene is one of the most brilliant and misunderstood scenes in all of anime. Majority still to this day argue that, since Madoka doesn't have her memories, her words hold little to no weight, and Homura is simply hearing what she wants to hear. So, naturally, they disregard what Madoka is saying, assuming it's just Homura being selfish. And that's where they mess up. Because, the fact that Madoka doesn't have her memories here is the whole point! Homura is already well-aware that if Madoka had her memories, her self loathing would result in her caring so little for herself that she sacrifices herself every time which is why immediately after Madoka's words, she assures Madoka that she is indeed "strong enough to make that decision." Homura just wanted to confirm if Madoka would still miss her life pre-godhood in spite of that, which she outright says she does.

There are also arguments that Homura was somehow influencing Madoka in the labyrinth aside from just not remembering becoming a god, but Shinbou already stated in an interview that this wasn't the case, and that these were Madoka's honest words. In fact, Madoka's true feelings regarding her godhood are revealed for the first time within the lyrics of Madoka's character song (sung by her VA Aoi Yuuki) that played as the ep 1-2 ED titled “Mata Ashita”. The song is about Madoka post-series which consists of Madoka wandering around aimlessly, quietly observing as humanity resumes without her, lamenting on the life she lost after becoming a god and wishing she could have been more honest about her feelings to Homura in ep 12, asking her to realize she's lonely.

[I'm pretending that I'm used to being alone, but I'm not really that strong.

The scenery is the same as always, the city is the same as always.

Even though I think everything will stay unchanged.

I still feel like I'm the only one who's tiny. Instead of "See you later."

I should've said, "I'll stay for a little longer."

I wanted and hoped that you would realize it.

But with the words "See you later,"

I lie to myself again.

And hide my true feelings beneath my usual smile. Saying, "See you later," I wave my hand.

Cracking a smile, yet I'm feeling lonely.

The truth is, I still have more to talk about.

But even my voice saying, "See you later"

is so near yet far from you that it can't reach you.

So let me say this like I always do, just once more: "See you tomorrow"]

This is definitive proof that even BEFORE Rebellion, this was already confirmed to be Madoka's true feelings.

The second time Madoka's true feelings post-godhood are adressed is via Madoka and Homura's concept movie quotes explaining that the God (Madoka) is clearly suffering in her “heaven”, which is more like a prison of isolation. The lizard girl (Homura) takes pity on her and separates her humanity from her godhood, thus making her human once more. Here are also some direct quotes from Magia Record which provides even more context for what Madokami is experiencing:

All of this, with the addition of Madoka's words in the Flower Field scene being confirmed to be her real and honest feelings, puts the whole “pulling madokami down from heaven” scene into a different perspective. Considering the entire reason why Madoka even became powerful enough to become God in the first place was because Homura's 100+ time loops linked multiple parallel universes together with Madoka at their center, and it's confirmed Madoka was suffering as a god, I would think people would be happy to see Homura reverting Madoka back to a human being and rewriting the entire universe to be a world where Madoka is happy and free, surrounded by her friends and family???

The fact that Homura's love for Madoka was so strong throughout 12 years of 100+ time loops, it turned Madoka into a goddess but when Homura was able to see just how isolating and lonely godhood was for her, she took her godlike powers for herself because she loved her and was willing to take on the exhaustion and isolation of immortality as the devil to spare her of anymore pain and sadness. Homura freed Madoka from a nonexistential purgatory prison and a decade later she's still demonized for it, how insane is that??

#pmmm #pmmm rebellion #pmmm walpurgisnacht rising #pmmm walpurgisnacht no kaiten #puella magi madoka magica #madoka magica #madoka magica rebellion #madomagi #mahou shoujo madoka magica #madoka kamane #homura akemi #madoka x homura #homura x madoka #madokami #homucifer #akuma homura #ultimate madoka #i dont want to see not ONE “oh but she still shouldn't have done it because it's not her decision to make it's madoka's” argument #what the fuck is madoka meant to do?? she is literally stuck. #“b-but what about all the other magical girls??” what about madoka. it seems like homura is the only person to consider madoka's feelings #and yet ppl villainized her for it. called her a perverted freak who was trapping madoka in a cage like how fucking dare you #for an entire decade homura has been demonized for loving madoka when the entirety of madoka magica is homura's love letter to her #homura did nothing wrong gang this is for you and for me #homura did nothing wrong #and i stand by that idfc #court is adjourned #madohomu #cw long post #not tagging this as an analysis bc this is all material straight from the source and it doesn't get more canon than that

[psychelis-new]

pick a pile: "Upcoming offer for you"

take a breath and choose the photo or number that calls you the most to read about an offer you may receive in the upcoming future, and from who it may come.

don’t take the reading too seriously. only take what resonates with you and leave the rest. if you're not called by any pile, let this reading slid as it may not hold messages for you. if you're called by more than one pile, there may be messages in each of those piles. remember that is a general reading and some things may not resonate with you. energies can change and readings are based on present ones (as you read); you're always in charge of your life.

(photos found on unsplash)

- ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ -

1 2 3 4 - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ -

pile 1

You may receive an offer that will put you in front of a choice. You'll be called to isolate/ponder about it calmly before taking action. There's the need to keep healing/working on (and change) something that has often kept you stuck in a place where you don't belong anymore. You'll have to deal with your wounded ego, asking yourself what it is that you really want, and if what you (apparently) want is something that comes from a place of hurt or not. It may be a love offer (platonic/romantic) or a career offer (especially creative jobs, but also studies/school). It will require self love and the end of talking yourself down (and stop letting others' opinions change the way you value yourself or direct the decisions/choices you make: people just see bits of you, they don't know exactly all you feel and go through nor they are supposed to live your life). You'll be coming out of this pondering period with the clarity you need about yourself and your needs and you'll get exactly what you want. You'll know which choice to make. You'll be making this decision with calmness and knowing your Spirit Guides are always by your side guiding you. Lot of meditating (you may need to do that too/ask your Guides for guidance).

song: before i ever met you | banks

- ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ -

pile 2

You'll probably receive a news/communication. It's more likely a love offer but also a career offer, and it'll make you ofc very happy. For some it could be an engagement and for others a work partnership. You'll be able to let go of all the problems and doubts you probably held until that moment (clarity will hit you, maybe you weren't sure about this person's feelings for you or if you were good enough for that job) and you'll feel more at peace (as if a huge weight was lifted from your stomach). March may be an important month (it may happen in March or either of you/of the people involved was born in March...). It feels like a wish fulfillment, a very huge success for you and also a big change from what has been. You'll probably be feeling a bit more under the spotlight as well. You're called to trust your intuition and let it guide you through the process: maybe there are steps you need to follow in order for this to happen, like you may be hit with some triggers you need to work on before it happens. Try to stay balanced and not let the emotions take you away too much. Take a breath, it's gonna be fine. It's just different from the usual, you need to get acquainted with it (if it gets overwhelming by any chance or you may believe it's gonna go bad... it won't, trust yourself).

song: angel baby | troye sivan

- ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ -

pile 3

Your next offer is mostly about you/self love. I think it can be an offer from your Guides (a spiritual offer) but it could come from someone irl too. It will help you work on yourself and realize your own power: enough with insecurities about yourself and doubts, you'll realize your self worth and knowledge, you'll see your beautiful strong self as such, you'll be more clear about what's in store for you (what you deserve) and become more balanced (also in letting people in or out). You'll realize all you've been through and how well you survived it all. It may be a call to remind you to take time to ground yourself when necessary (especially when things get too overwhelming), to stand up for yourself, to be your first source of happiness. For some, you may be tested: you may receive an offer from someone or someone may be triggering you somehow. You'll realize where you are in your healing and how differently from the past you have learned to behave. Self care at its best. It feels like an offer of peace from yourself tbh. You probably kinda self sabotaged or hurt yourself in a certain way for a lot of time, and now you'll try to stop and appreciate yourself much more compared to what you used to do, which honestly sounds great -congrats!

song: only you | yazoo

- ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ -

pile 4

It feels like your next offer will be put in front of your eyes all of a sudden. And you won't miss it. It's like someone (your Guides?) is even touching you to let you see it better "Hey, yes, it's that! Come on, come on! Yeaah!". You won't have to do anything to have it, it will be there for you to take. You may not trust that cause you always had to give a lot before receiving even a little, but it's gonna be real and true. Trust your own guidance, stay calm and try. Give yourself a chance to try. Make up your mind and take that step. Trust (yourself in particular). It may involve some natural setting or any place you find healing/rigenerating, where you feel free from negativity/at peace (eg. a pool where you're peacefully sunbathing). It may be a communication from a younger person or someone new (maybe in that environment/place -eg. a tourist asking you for infos). Again do not close off to that chance. It's there for you, it's probably something you have been trying to manifest or have wished for so long, so just embrace that chance/gift from above. You're worthy, Universe decided you're worthy of that so do not think otherwise. Take the chance. Don't worry about the what ifs, just take a breath and go. And yes, it's more likely a love offer but not necessarily. It may be a career offer ticket you come across suddenly as well.

song: chasing cars | snow patrol

#pac #divination #pick a card tarot #pick a pile #pick a photo #pick a card #pick a picture #clairs readings #psychic readings #pac tarot #pac reading #free tarot reading #tarot readings #tarot reading #tarotcommunity #tarotblr #intuitive readings #intuitive

[melodic-haze]

☆ — DEMO TRACK: bottom!Robin (HSR) x top!Reader

☆ — GENRE: NSFW

☆ — CONTENT WARNINGS: Semi-public sex (it's in a venue green room), reader has a cock/strap

Can't believe that my first post is Robin thirst (I say that when my acc theme is literally her 💀) but I REALLY can't stop thinking about fucking her in her private dressing room LOL

Like imagine she calls you in or smth as a form of "distraction" from "pre-performance jitters" with both of you knowing FULL WELL that she isn't nervous in the least. She's even acting the part: her eyebrows furrowed, a hand lightly tugging on the fabric of your clothes as she's asking you to stay with her

"I don't think I'd be able to get out there and sing without your help." Her eyes look at you as if she were pleading, though you've spent enough time with the singer that you easily spot the tiniest glimmer in that alluring sea of green, "Won't you care to stay a little while longer..?"

Doesn't really take long for it to go from simply talking and hanging out to bending her over on the table. All it took was a squeeze here, a graze there, and suddenly neither of you can keep your hands off each other

Could be that she's laying down on her back, legs spread and on your shoulders as you move your fingers in her to find that sweet spot that has her singing your favourite song made just for you on the fly. Could be that she's facing down as you use her wings as handlebars to keep her upright and she can see herself and her perfect image get absolutely RUINED and railed by none other than you on the mirror and her insides just clench at the sight

Her appearance is absolutely MESSED THE FUCK UP right now (the hair and makeup people are Stressing) but Robin really can't bring herself to care. Not when her brain's gone to who knows where. All that's important right now is chasing that high until she--

You hear a somewhat urgent knock on the door, your efforts stuttering at your moment's intrusion, "Miss Robin? We need to set you up in five."

You don't see or hear your pretty little angel respond, though judging by the dazed-out look on her face it's clear that.. well, it's not as if she's so dazed out that she can't begin to process the current events—it's more like she doesn't want to process it.

Apparently whoever it was didn't take the hint because the staff's voice rang past the door once again, "Miss Robin? Are you there?"

You eventually see her sigh resignedly, her eyebrows furrowed genuinely this time as she cleared her throat and answered awkwardly, putting all her strength into making sure she doesn't sound like some fucked-out mess.

"Yes, I'm fine! I'll be there on time," she let out a seemingly good-natured laugh to sell the charade, though the corners of her mouth twitched the slightest bit.. before she bit her lip as she slowly grinded herself on you. "Though careful there—worry like that and-- mm.. I might think you like me."

You hear the staff member stutter past the door before footsteps begin to scurry away. With the way your lover was just moving, you'd have thought that she wanted to continue.. but she pushes herself off of you and pulls up her panties with a small apologetic smile.

She tells you that as much as she really wanted to continue, she shouldn't. She has a job to do, and being late or skipping on a show just wouldn't do! She promises to finish things with you when she's done, and that promise comes in the form of cleaning her slick off of you and leaving a lingering kiss.. before asking you to help her with getting her appearance back to looking AT LEAST presentable LMAOOOO

It takes you both more than five minutes and the staff are baffled but it's not like you can explain it 😭😭 so have fun with the scrutinising stares 🫶

Robin's got better self-control than me I would've died if I had to perform while bricked the fuck up LOL. But trust me when I say that it's worth it when she gets off the stage and she pounces at you and begs you to finish what you started bc she deserves it as a reward after a hard day of work, right?

#hazy explicits! #hazy demos! #surprise haze! #hsr robin #sub robin #bottom robin #sub honkai star rail #robin x reader #honkai star rail smut #hsr smut #sub hsr #honkai star rail x reader #hsr x reader #dom reader #top reader #gn reader #honkai star rail women #honkai star rail

[vex91]

Yu Jimin - Mess

Pairing: Yu Jimin x Female Reader

Fandom: Aespa

Summary: After the news of you dating someone came out, Jimin spends the night drinking and venting to Aeri about how much she was missing you.

A/N: Just some angst to hurt all of us☺

3rd's POV

Kim Y/N and Hwang Yeji confirmed to be dating. JYP Entertainment releases a statement abou-

Jimin shut her phone off as another article about you and Yeji appeared on it. For the past few hours ever since JYP confirmed that you two were in a year old relationship it was the only thing that flooded her social media. In moments like these she hated the algorithm for bringing her news about you like it was nothing when in reality that news was enough to break her.

She should be happy for you. Your happiness was always her number one priority so she should be happy that you're happy but how can she when that means your happiness is with someone else? She wanted to be the one to make you happy, not someone else. It was supposed to be her job but it wasn't anymore and it was all Jimin's fault.

The girl in front of her could only watch as her best friend crumbled. Aeri already lost the count of how many drinks Jimin had, too many despite them going out only an hour and a half ago. Aeri knew that Jimin wouldn't take the news lightly but she didn't expected the mess that the leader will become. Truthfully Aeri already knew about you being in a relationship with Yeji, she heard about it from Yizhuo who of course knew because you were best friends.

Despite wanting you to be with Jimin, Aeri understood that you were already in love and wished only the best for you but she was still sad about Jimin's situation. The girl was a complete wreck and Aeri could see that she blamed herself for you not being with her anymore.

"Jimin-" "Do you think that Yeji knows that Y/N has problems falling asleep with drinking tea?" Jimin mumbled slightly looking up to meet her friend's gaze. Aeri sighed at her words "I'm pretty sure that she knows" Jimin looked down at her drink again "What about her ankle? Do you think she knows how to treat it properly?" Aeri took a sip of her own drink before answering "Jimin I think she knows all of it so you don't have to worry, Y/N is in good hands" Jimin gripped her cup tighter, her bottom lip trembling slightly.

"She was in good hands with me too" A tear escaped her eye when she remembered how happy you made her. A regret feeling her entire being as memories from that one night came back to her. The night when she ended the most important thing to her just because she wasn't able to control her emotions properly, hurting you and herself in the process.

"Jimin, it's not fully all your fault. You both made mistakes that caused this but that doesn't mean that you're terrible people" Aeri tried to comfort Jimin, that's all she could do at the moment but deep down she knew that Jimin won't be fully fine without you, still she at least wanted to help her get a little better. Jimin looked up again just to see Aeri looking at her. She could see the girl looking at her with sympathy but for her drunken self it looked like pity, making her feel worse about everything.

"I told her that she was annoying... and that she was not worth it. I'm a jerk no matter how much you will try to deny it" Jimin took another sip of her drink before calling for the refill. Aeri sighed knowing that it be a pain trying to get her back home. Jimin wasn't about to stop drinking and it worried Aeri "Because of me... Y/N is with Yeji" Jimin laid her head on the table. An image of you and Yeji together appeared in her mind, haunting and mocking her.

Soon her eyes landed on her phone and the sudden urge to call you started to overwhelm her. Aeri took notice of it and started to question if she should stop her or just let things go and see what happens. Maybe this call could help her stand on her feet a little. Jimin took her phone and somehow in her state managed to find your number, Aeri only watched as she pressed the call button.

.

.

.

Nothing.

You didn't picked up, Jimin's heart dropped at this as the notification from Yeji's instagram popped up. It was a picture of you and her at her dorm, cuddling and the video of Yuna and Chaeryeong managing to get themselves there to cuddle with you too, Lia's and Ryujin's laugh could be heard in the background. Jimin shut her phone off and layed her head down again. A tear escaped her eye soon followed by more and soon she was sobbing into Aeri's shoulder who could only comfort her and hope that things will get better.

Because right now Jimin was a mess and no one could do anything to take away the leader's pain.

#vex writes #aespa x reader #aespa reactions #yu jimin x reader #karina x reader #yu jimin #karina

[kikarouflames]

I wanted to talk about this scene for a while now:

First of all, when Mikasa obviously very upset and raged up by female titan kidnapping Eren, she vents her anger out by blaming Levi for not being able to do his job of protecting Eren. I don't think she knows much about how the whole squad got killed by Annie.

But, Levi instead of snapping at Mikasa or getting offended by her furious statement, he chooses to not react on it. He just saw his squad dead and is definitely depressed.

The look on his face after Mikasa said that, turns grim and he looks too tired. He looks like that while returning from expedition and facing Petra's dad too. I think, the statement actually hit him more than it shows. It looks like he ignored it, but the grim look said otherwise.

He was definitely blaming himself for not reaching out there in time to save his precious squad members and was already suffering from their loss of lives. And Mikasa's statement worked like lemon on wound.

He didn't react, it's not like him. He also is a very understanding adult, for he chooses to not think Mikasa as rude for saying that. He understands she is just 15 and how Eren is a special person for her, having him taken away and endangered always make Mikasa recklessly furious. But also, I think, he thought that those words were true, he thought that it was his shortcoming for not reaching there on time.

He understands that he can't save everyone, but it's this sad realization for him that pains him the most. Being called humanity's strongest and then not being able to wondrously saving them. He sure lost and sacrificed the most, considering his closest people and friends are all dead.

He is too selfless and goal oriented ( saving and protecting humanity) that he won't wallow in self pity and he never did strike me as someone who would ponder over things he couldn't control, he did rather do something productive and make a difference. But this feeling of not being or doing enough definitely always there somewhere in his mind, he just brushes it off and focuses on what he can still do.

He lost his whole squad too, but he chooses to put aside his pain and understand Mikasa's. He was never the one to complain about his life either. He is just to selfless to do so.

This scene was a really good point for his character, how he is an understanding and thoughtful adult. How he does get affected by deaths severely and doesn't show it. How he might actually blame himself for not being able to save lives.

I don't think Levi would have too much guilt, in a way Erwin did. But he definitely sometimes blame himself for what's lost, that is not even his fault. And just shows how even a person who has been through and seen so much deaths and suffering, can still be so vulnerable to it.

Levi has treated every life as precious and meaningful, loss of this life he considers so precious and not being able to do anything, when situation is totally our of his hand, can make him depressed too. As I already said, he would still brush off those thoughts and not ponder on it. He would rather do whatever he can to help, to make sure that those lost lives weren't in vain.

For Levi not only life has meaning and worth but death does too, he will do everything in his power to give meaning to both the lives and deaths of his comrades.

#levi ackerman #attack on titan #aot #levi aot #levi attack on titan #levi #shingeki no kyojin #levi fanart #levi character analysis #kikarou rambles #aot meta #kikarou metas

[bigfan-fanfic]

Ain't Making Me Leave (Reader x Joel Miller)

@anxious-queerboi Hiiiii 🥺 It's been so long but do you think you could do a general headcanons with Joel and a gn reader who received an injury that made them disabled? Like, not to the point of being unable to move, but not being able to be as active as they used to be? Thank you <3

Back in the QZ, it would've been a dealbreaker.

Nothing personal, just - when you're in survival mode, tying yourself to someone who's still limping is like filling your bag with rocks.

But here, in Jackson, it's not as big of a deal.

It's still hard for Joel to get used to the idea of people helping each other out of cooperation.

But after a solid year of caring for people other than himself, he's willing to take actions against his own self-preservation.

Besides, deep in him, he knows he owes you.

Your leg was injured when you had to cave in a roof to trap some pursuing clickers.

You saved Joel's life.

So he carried you back to Jackson, and ensured you got as best care as you could've.

But your leg won't be the same. Decreased mobility, even with a full recovery. Say goodbye to supply runs or scouting missions.

But it doesn't matter to Joel the way it would have,

Because you're his, and he's not going to let you get kicked out or cast aside, even if that means he has to work to be useful enough for the both of you.

But he really needn't worry. Tommy and Maria aren't the kind to act so pragmatically. To rebuild the world, the world needs compassion.

Something Joel's still learning.

He barely leaves your side for the first bit of recovery, still blaming himself for you getting hurt.

And even later he does that trademark growl of his whenever he has to leave you again.

But honestly, your injury is sort of the catalyst that lets him finally rest.

When he realizes his place in Jackson is secure, and yours is too, not because of his worth or experience, but because of kindness, he finally breathes and for the first time in twenty years emerges from survival mode.

You can tell something has really snapped in Joel when he suddenly climbs into your bed and kisses you long and slow.

"What brought this on?" You grin - he's been treating you like porcelain since your injury, even though your leg is finally walking worthy.

"Nobody's makin' me leave."

"Of course not, silly. We're home." you chuckle bemusedly, surprised by another kiss.

"We're home. Ain't that a bitch?"

"What's all this?"

"I'm bein' stupid. Like usual." Joel grins, slightly manically, before pulling you close again. "I love you."

You gasp a little at how easily he says it - you only usually get the L-word out of him after lovemaking in the dead of night when he finally relaxes. "I love you too."

"Love you more." He winks. "How about I take you on a walk later and we just... get some air?"

You chuckle. "Sure. And what should we do in the meantime?"

Joel leans back on the bed, giving a great sigh. "Anything we want."

#joel miller x male reader #joel miller x reader #the last of us x reader #the last of us x male reader #the last of us headcanons #headcanons

[furiousgoldfish]

Speaking from a bad place, so bear with me. Has anyone thought about how being important or special to other people is based just on the people closest to you?

We regard strangers as people who are fairly irrelevant to us, because they have little to no impact to our life, and their lives and struggles won't generally touch us. In contrast, lives of people directly around us have a great impact on us, and they decide our relevancy. We give them roles in our lives, like friends, mentors, partners, lovers, caretakers, and in that regard they're special to us, irreplaceable. We also want to have an equally strong meaning in their life, to have a warm place in their heart and respect in their minds, as they do for us.

When people around us who hold great relevancy for us, also give us that same relevancy back, we feel important, we know we're special to them. That our role in their life shapes their experience, gives them gratitude and they've accepted us as someone they want and need around.

In contrast to that, when people in our life refuse to give us that same respect, warmth and relevancy, then we wonder what is wrong with us. What is missing so we can't be appreciated and regarded with the same love and respect that we show to them. Lack of mutuality makes us sink down with insecurity, self doubt and deep feeling that we're not enough, that we've done something wrong, not to deserve the same that we give to others.

And it also works out the same in isolation, if you have no one close to you, no one who has your well being in mind or cares for what becomes of you, it feels like you're important to no one, like you are not special whatsoever, even like you could be disposable if nobody cares at all.

But none of that is based on what's inside of us, who we are or how much love and good we are capable of giving and showing. It's nothing even related to our behaviour and actions, you could put anyone in these situations and results would be generally similar; person who is not experiencing reciprocity, or is left to fend for themselves alone, will lose the feeling that they're important or special in any way.

Isn't that weird? That we can end up judging our own worth based on nothing we did, or nothing we are, just based on how people around us are treating us, or whether we have anyone around us at all. In our essence we didn't change at all, it's just who is or isn't around, that determines our worth.

If we're put in a group of people who want to create bonds based on good things they see in us, we'll become able of seeing that good in ourselves. If we're surrounded by people who all feel the same as we do, act on the same moral code, readily reciprocate respect and warmth that we show to them, we won't feel like anything is wrong with us. We'll feel at home.

And since this is so intrinsic to being a person, to long for this and only feel relevant, safe and cared for in these circumstances, isn't it natural that we all deserve that? To be surrounded by people who make us feel like nothing is wrong with us, and like we're at home? Who help us focus on everything good in us, and give us no reasons to believe that we should be rejected or banished at all? Since abuse did the absolute opposite, and forced us to believe there's only reasons for abandonment, hatred and contempt, I believe being in the environment where people see many reasons to want us in their lives, would heal us.

#healing from abuse #abuse recovery #trauma recovery #emotional abuse recovery #abuse healing #i know i wrote this seemingly positive post but in reality i am so bitter #because i know people will sometimes see a reason to want me and often it's just opportunistic #because i'm trained to not make problems and to be pleasing and useful and whatnot #but even then #even then the fact that i was abused and have consequences of that in me will be enough #for them to back out and decide i'm not worth the effort #because to be close to me would mean to acknowledge abuse and that it's real and happening #and has massive consequences #and this is just too much for anyone to contemplate accepting #and it's easier to just back away and decide i'm an abomination or whatever #whatever they see in me is never enough to face difficult concepts of abuse and recovery #and i'm tired of being seen as a nuisance because of something i didn't do and i didn't cause #i had zero control over where i was born or what was done to me there #but it's a reason to abandon me #i don't know where my group of people is :(

[adambja]

The chosen ones for the experiment (void concept tape success rate)

Almost 22 people + 1 who isn't included in the experiment 🫶🏻 but included in the server

Check your DMS guys you will find the link to be in the discord server

@atlea

@shifting777

@perfecttrashsouleggs

@roshalayeq

@urprettyangel888

@fluffycloud29

@lucidiangelo

@oonalunah

@dreamygirlblogger420

@paint3dros3s

@nana2029

@irisreality

Someone else with @irisreality

Someone else with @irisreality too

@eternabesos

@talya2000

@isis444

@vibesswithdani

@amei-mari

@shriyaaaaa96

@pahhhhhhh

@fairyjmm

@charlotte44sworld

Everyday these incredible people will submit their updates and experience with the void concept tape I have and it will be an amazing experience to know what is the success rate of the void concept tape I made with this group of people who got low to mid-high self-concept! And they didn't use my self-concept tape!

The success rate was 100% with my clients who got the self-concept tape with coaching they are exactly 23 clients (25 clients right now) they needed tapes and entered/woke up in their void state normally some of them got a little coaching not too much - some other clients I am still coaching are experiencing many other things because (I am updating the void concept tape too much "🥹😭" - they got some little limiting beliefs and need more coaching (which is very easy to just let go of) - still working on their self-concept with the tape I have for self-concept) *important note: every single client I am coaching atm doesn't have all of the above!!! It's just one of these pointd! Or even a small part of it! They are literally getting thru too much and letting go of many things i see their experience as so special like someone coming to me very anxious and scared and rn they just think positively and love themselves it's like when a caterpillar 🐛 turns into a butterfly 🦋 - 🥹🫶🏻 that's why I love coaching and my clients even if they don't want me to share their success stories or even if they don't share something personal with me cause at the end of the day I feel so good that I am able to help them and assist them in their lives and change it in a short time 🥹🫶🏻!!

I think everyone will enjoy this as much as me ;)))

Also I have many and a lot of like custom things I added to protect my tape no one will be able to get results if they talked badly about me in the past and if they post it anywhere or give it to anyone it won't work at all and this is another layer I added you won't even hear it even if you focus 😭 but your subconscious mind gets it instantly once you listen which is so funny to me and it was so smart of me thinking about doing this lmao

Also it won't work after 48 hours if you don't submit the results and the updates with the void concept everyday on Google forms the link will be there everyday on the discord server 🥹

Pls this was just me showing me how smart I am! Anyways enough crushing on myself and my brain guys check your DMs you will find the discord link and mwahhh thank you for joining this experiment 🫶🏻

And from now no one can join the experiment 🫶🏻 sry not sry 🫶🏻

One last thing after this experiment ends I won't give anyone a chance to question my prices because I fkin know my tapes are literally worth it and are working 100% I am using many things combined together literally no one knows about and I will never tell anyone about my secret salsa that I use and I will literally destroy anyone who stands in front of me giving anyone coaching and tapes here

If you question my prices after this experiment whatever the results are I will block you 🫶🏻 I won't be sorry about it

#law of assumption #loa #loassumption #neville goddard #void success #loa success #self concept #success stories loa #self development #self esteem

[wh0refornikolailantsov]

Prompt: “You’ve never been too much for me.”

Song: Iris - The Goo Goo Dolls

For Tolya x Reader please!!

Saints Or High Water - Tolya x Reader

Yes. Happy to oblige.

Content Warnings: Canon Compliant Threat and Fear Related To Targeted Violence and Execution, Not Beta or Proof Read, Suggestions Of A Difficult Family Life and Upbringing, Anxiety, Self Doubt, Negative Self View And The Terrifying Fear Of Being Known Loved And Seen.

Does it count as hurt/comfort if you're just being mean to yourself until the very kind shapely man tells you you're worth something?

Just another drabble I guess.

There is good and bad in everything, the universe finds a way to create balance. The Small Science is no exception to that rule. Being Grisha is an extraordinary thing, there's deep beauty in the power The Saints give. But that doesn't mean being Grisha is always easy, and those in the parts less forgiving to Grisha, less understanding, less inclined to see gifts as blessings but as signs of witchcraft or sin, this was ever clear. But even the quieter ways, within oneself being Grisha isn't always easy. A talent is a talent for as long as you nurture it, as you learn it, keep it close and well maintained, but these kinds of talents aren't always easy to tether. They try to teach Grisha young for a reason.

You're sitting on the edge of the deck, and it's one of those days, where being so many miles from shore feels like a blessing, because distancing yourself from land makes everything feel less real. On the Volkvolny the ability to practice The Small Science is admired, under the operation of Sturmhond, on this ship with a crew he had collected, it was usually far more easy to forget the harshness that waits on land. But not today.

Today the waves are not big enough to swallow all the feelings that are raging just underneath the surface, keeping you a safe distance from anyone else on the ship. The wind rushing over the sails, and the all the crashing of water against The Wolf could not drown out the thoughts echoing so loudly within your mind, determined to be heard, demanding to be seen. Thoughts that are taking up more space than you ever would dare to take up at all.

A Heartrender like any Corporalki worth their salt as a Grisha would be able to sense the mood from this distance, and almost all would know when sadness runs this deep and this quiet, that nothing would really help, and likely that help would not be welcomed. At sea, it is generally accepted to let people be with their feelings, the ocean more forgiving than the land. More accepting too.

But Tolya Yul Bataar was not just any Heartrender, and you had long come to know that about him. Not only was the strong giant as poetic as he was stoic, which was a lot, but he was also persistent, in that quiet, gentle way that you had come to know. Never had you known a man who's honour was more evident than his strength and yet stood quite as tall and strong as Tolya.

His approach is slow, gentle, arms crossed as he leans into the post, as if he had no other reason to be there. He probably doesn't, but you don't linger on that thought.

"Come to share some poetry have you Tolya?" You ask against the wind. Maybe he won't hear you, and he will leave you to this quiet sadness once more.

"That wasn't my intention but I am happy to oblige," he smiles and for a moment you forget why you wanted to be alone. Tolya has this way with you, of making you forget even if just for small moments just how cruel the world can be.

You glance as he unfolds his arms, to reach for a small book in his pocket, and you have long forsaken asking him how he managed to keep his skin exposed in such cold conditions as you watch some of the salt spray hit his upper arm and he leans away from the waves to shield the book.

"O the opal and the sapphire of that wandering sea,

And the woman riding high above with bright hair fluttering free,

The woman whom I loved so, and who loyally loved me."

You let him read to you a while, as you watch the way the water turns white as it hits the sides of the ship, wondering if the water wants to be different, something else to what it is and that is why it endlessly tries to throw itself against whatever it passes, desiring to be changed by the impact.

"Those are new," you comment after a while and Tolya smiles and it reaches into those golden eyes and you try not to look too closely. Tolya is something else, and you wonder if you would've stayed here on this ship, with this crew for as long as you have had it not been for him. Never had you known anyone like Tolya, and you doubt you would again, and it was with such certainty of that you held onto his presence and his companionship as deeply as you could, while trying to spare him the overwhelming closeness of knowing you.

"As much as I enjoy you indulging me, I sense that maybe it's less about my passion today and more about what you wish not to say," he says.

For all the time, and all the practice, and all the attempts to keep him far enough away that your mistakes could never end up being his burden, he still sees straight through you like you were glass.

"Today I am the ocean, unreadable and entirely too much," you admit.

You feel the warmth of his presence before you notice him moving closer, his shoulder now pressed to yours as he leans forward on the edge of the gunwale.

“You’ve never been too much for me.”

"And I intend to keep it that way," you say without thinking. Tolya is honest, honest and true in a way that makes you want to be so back. Tolya stands so tall and yet does not cast a conceited shadow, his shade is nothing but comforting. A Grisha, a Heartrender, who would rather use the weapons he practiced and learned to fight with than his blessings. Probably because of his faith, but Saints you'd never stopped to ask.

"You cannot be do much for me," he says quietly. You expect a joke to follow, a comment such as 'you've met Tamar,' but in the absence of his twin, Sturmhond or any other member of crew to joke to, his sentiment is more important than the shielding of it.

You remain silent and that tells him exactly what he thought you might say: you do not know me enough to say that.

"I understand why you do this," he says quietly, "after years of being called a monster, it is easy to believe yourself to be one, and it takes much more to undo such damage than it does to create it. But you are not what those for fear you speak you to be."

His kindness always brings a warmth that no fire could ever come close to bringing. You drag your eyes from the waves and he is watching you, gentle and consistent.

/And I don't want the world to see me/

"I do not always feel that I was gifted, not when I was told I was cursed," you admit. "But it is not me that I am quiet for. I am more concerned about those who must be around me. Those who could be hurt by my monster."

"You are no monster," he says, reaching forward and placing his hand over your own. You expect his hand on yours to feel more rough, more calloused, but all you can feel is the softness of his expression and the tenderness of his words, with the grounding weight of all he means to you. /'Cause I don't think that they'd understand/

"And I know I cannot make this storm pass, but I will wait with you, until it does, we can stand here, and we can say nothing," he says. "And we will wait until it passes, and I will stay here, right beside you."

/When everything's made to be broken/

You lean into him and he wraps an arm around your shoulder and holds you close and for a short moment it all goes quiet.

/I just want you to know who I am/

"What if it doesn't pass?"

"It will, but if it doesn't, I will stay right here."

#tolya yul bataar #tolya x reader #tolya #shadow and bone #six of crows #tamar kir bataar #tolya and tamar #nikolai lantsov #no beta we die like matthias

[solar-eclipses-stuff]

Dorm leaders as boyfriend (◍•ᴗ•◍)

(Twisted wonderland)

Characters: Riddle, Leona, Azul, Kalim, Vil, Idia, Malleus

He's still as hot-tempered as usual, but now he has you! I think a series of meditations will help him... May be

Even when he is meditating all in business mentally, of course, he is constantly worrying and he needs to be reminded that it is worth relaxing

I think he likes being stroked on the head, but I don't think he'll admit it.

Your short kisses on the forehead make him melt, now he's red as a tomato, you've made him blush something

In public, he is something like ᕕ(•෴•)ᕗ, and with yours behind closed doors he (๑••*๑)♡

Well, in short, the cutie just needs to take a closer look <3

Leon is lazy, so you began to spend more time in his room

You are literally being squeezed and you will not be able to get out from under it for several hours :/

His ears are soft, but he doesn't really like being touched, but when it comes to you, everything is different

He likes it when all your attention is on him and that's it! He's just a bun that you want to stroke and stroke. His kisses are usually sleepy and clumsy, but they are usually passionate and deep

Sleepy boy, also cute but still a brutal lion 🦁

Azul.. He is hiding in your hands... When you kiss him he blushes quite a lot

Even though he wants to seem calculating and self-serving with you, his walls are falling down and he becomes a blushing mess

Warm hugs, a little kiss and he's yours, forever

I think he is not an active PDA user, but he is able to hold you slightly by the waist

The kid is good, you just need to look deeper 💗

Kalim.. He is a walking initiator of hugs, although it is not permissible to kiss this innocent creature. But an innocent kiss on the cheek is possible

It's just a walking teddy bear, it's impossible not to love, he's like an affectionate cat who wants your attention 24/7

I think it won't do without Jamil, but you just need to find an approach and everything will probably settle down))

Hugs and quality time? of course yes! All the attention is only on you? Yes?

He will never get rid of you, congratulations!!

Vil, he loves his potatoes, really.. But I think he will try to introduce you to his type of activity

I don't think that's a bad thing.. But you don't always have enough strength for yourself, and a young man demands it all the time

In this situation, all your attention will be on this amazing guy

Kissing in public will only be in places far from people, and not so often because there will probably be something like: you'll ruin my makeup, etc.

I think he will sometimes paint you, or keep an eye on your wardrobe))

Hugs are also strictly on schedule because he is loaded enough, but I think he will find time for his potatoes

Idia, first you need to get close to him and arrange a trusting relationship..(fortunately I omit it)

Now you know how to enter his room with privileges)) Congratulations!

For some reason, it seems to me that his room smells of dampness, chips and something incomprehensible

I think he won't even be able to touch, but he has moments of determination and then a little kiss or a light hug is possible after which he faints))

To be honest, I think that Ortho will contribute to the development of your relationship 🧐

I think he will often invite you to play video games with him or just relax while watching some anime/film :3

Malleus.. I think he is quite inexperienced due to the fact that he is afraid..

Perhaps.. No, with a 99% probability he will ask for advice from Lilia and most likely he does not advise him of any old forms of courtship or something classic

Most likely, he will give jewelry that he thinks is suitable for you. After that, you can open your own store..

He tries to be nice, but in this regard he is a little clumsy, but having a prince boyfriend is very nice... I hope Sebek won't stun you inadvertently)

The gift of bouquets, sweets and so on is in force, I think the candy-bouquet period will be quite long.. Well, or until the moment when Lilia does not remind him that people are not a long-lived species 😀 (compared to them)

Well, a good boy, maybe a little not punctual)

------------------

probably these guys will be here, maybe something else🧐

#twisted wonderland x yuu #twisted love #twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland x reader #idia x reader #vill x reader #leona x reader #azul x reader #riddle x reader

[vashsmunch]

Being enough NSFW

Millions Knives x Transmasc! Reader (MINORS DNI!)

Synopsis: post trimax knives and you have some quality talk before fucking LMAO Warnings: 2.1k words, hurt/comfort (that's all i write), extremely subby knives, pre-op reader, body dysmorphia, self worth issues, plant pussy WOOO, overstimulation, dacryphilia, pretty bitch knives A/N: okay im ngl, i had a really hard time trying to figure out how to write this LMAO. it was initially a birthday gift for my friend but i had never written transmasc stuff before, so i struggled in how to make it not feel like just fem reader stuff. i think i did alright though! transmasc people deserve more love <3 i also kind of missed knives (bleh), and i enjoy the thought of post trimax him having a crushing amount of guilt. hope yall like it ^^

─── · 。ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───  

“Nervous, huh?"

You blew into Nai's ear, and he flinched, leaning away from you. "Not... necessarily."

Sitting back on your heels, you cocked your head at him. He was lying, that much was clear. His eyes were purposely avoiding yours, and he was as stiff as a board. Sure, this was... new, but that didn't explain why he was acting so evasive. Did he not want this? Your fingers instinctively fiddled with the blankets on the bed you two were on, trying to ease your own nerves that were starting to stir up. Dark thoughts ran past your mind as the silence grew even more heavy. Maybe... no. You wouldn't start with that.

You hesitated before leaning forward to take his hand, making sure to not tighten your grip too much. Your voice was quiet as you murmured to him, trying to be calm for both of your sakes. "Hey, I know that this is your first time, but it's gonna be okay. You can back out anytime you want, and I promise I'll be slow. Unless.. there's something else you want to talk about?"

There was another long pause before Nai sighed heavily, turning his body to face yours but still looking down. He tightened his grip around your hand, and you noted that his own was trembling. "It's hard for me to explain."

"I'm smarter than you think. Try me."

His thumb pressed against the flesh of your knuckle, his leg starting to bounce a bit. "This is something I want, something I desire. That's not something I want you to doubt, nor is it something I've ever had second thoughts about," You breathed a quiet sigh of relief as he said this. At least it wasn't what you were dreading. "The issue lies more in whether... I deserve it."

Frowning, you leaned forward to put your face in front of his, your hand raised to cup his cheek. "Hey, hey, none of that. I wouldn't be here if you didn't, I don't fuck people just for shits and giggles, ya know."

Your joke made his lips curl into a tiny smile, but there was still something there that you knew he wasn't telling you about. Thumb brushing against his cheek, you gave him a soft kiss. "I'm not gonna do anything unless you're fully transparent with me. I don't want you to regret this. Please Nai, what's wrong?" 

"I just..." His voice quivered as he whispered against your lips. "Are you not frightened? Are you not aggrieved? The people I hurt... friends of yours that I may have killed... do you not mourn for them? Is this truly something that you want with me, of all people? I will never be able to take that away from you, no matter how many years go by or how many apologies I utter. There will always be the knowledge of knowing you're with a murderer, and I would rather you be happy than drag you down to the hell I've built myself."

A pang rang out in your heart as he finished, and you couldn't help but feel so utterly destroyed. Here you were, thinking he was having regrets about being with someone like you while he was still grieving the suffering his actions caused. You were quiet, trying to think of an appropriate response. 

Finally, you spoke up. "I'm not going to discount the lives of people who were hurt. But I won't ignore the hell you went through either. You were just a child when you saw Tesla, Nai, and people grieve in different ways. This doesn't excuse what you did, but I can understand. Please know I will never hold this against you, nor will I resent you for it. You're trying to repent, and that's what matters," You saw tears well up in his eyes and you gently wiped at them before continuing. "You deserve to feel loved as much as anyone else, and I do love you. I love you so much, Nai, that it aches every time I think of you. The way you treat me, and the softness I see in our interactions, I know you're doing your best. Let me love you, and I promise I'll do everything in my power to make you understand this. I know it's hard, but I'm asking you to trust me. Can you do that? For me?"

He finally met your gaze and salty streams started to flow down his cheeks as he nodded. You moved to hug him, and he clutched at you, crying silently. Rubbing his back, you continued to coo and assure him, your own eyes brimming with liquid. He truly was a tortured soul, and you couldn't blame him. Eventually, you pulled back a bit and smiled at him. "Now, are you going to let me fuck you or not?"

A soft chuckle left his lips as he closed the distance again, kissing you. You helped him remove his sweater and pants, having him lay down on the bed. As your fingers grazed down the length of his muscular stomach, he reached down to grasp your hand. You looked up at him quizzically and saw his cheeks flushed a faint pink. "I must warn you, dove. There might be a bit of shock when you see what's there. I'm not... normal. At least in terms of anatomy humans usually have."

"Do you have something I can eat out?" His mouth dropped open at the vulgarity of your question, and you couldn't help but laugh. "Then I'll be fine. I promise, Nai. If anything, I'll probably be fascinated. Strange genitals don't even compare to the fact that you can manifest literal knives." It wasn't like you had the place to judge, considering your own body. 

With that in mind, your fingers absentmindedly traced the dips of his stomach, wondering how to approach this next part. Eventually, you managed to speak up, voice cracking a bit as you looked down. "You're not the only one who's had doubts about this. But I have... for different reasons," Nai didn't say a word, making you rush to fill the empty air with explanation. "You know I'm not biologically male. We talked about it a bit before, but I never really went into detail; mostly because I didn't know how to continue with the topic. But it's made me wonder if you'd prefer to... I don't know. Be with someone who has the means to please you? In a way I just can't." 

You bit your lip, knowing it wasn't just about that. There were often times when you felt.. unfinished. Impure would be a better word. Especially when you were with someone like Nai, someone who literally embodied the definition of a fallen angel. He was beautiful in a way that was so inhuman, that it made you wonder if he was truly happy being with someone that happened to be far from the definition of perfect. At least in terms of standard bodily expectations. 

Nai's hand came to take you in his palm, tilting your head up to his gaze. His face was riddled with guilt, and it made your heart ache. It was your last wish to make him feel bad for anything, especially with your own foolish little worries. He came to press his forehead against yours, his words in a low whisper. "I've witnessed many things in my years of living. I've seen looks of distress and heard cries of horror, many of which were caused by my hand. There are few things that I would consider to be dear to me, as I thought I wasn't capable of feeling such things," A small smile graced his face as he thumbed at your cheek, trying to comfort you with sadness in his eyes. "But you... you are everything I don't deserve and something I refuse to lose. I've spent so long looking for something to fill the void that was left in my heart after witnessing the death of my sister. And I finally found it. I regret all I've done thus far, but I would do it again if it led me to you once more. Please believe me when I say you mean the world to me, and I've seen the world. Nothing could compare to the beauty you are."

You weren't going to cry. You weren't. Fuck you were crying.

Swiping furiously at your eyes, you laughed softly. "You really know how to make someone feel good about themselves, you know that?"

"I simply said what was in my heart. And you are my heart."

With a loud sniff, you looked back at him with a playfully agitated face. "Can I fuck you now or are we going to stay here and bawl our eyes out until dehydration?" He chuckled as a soft pink graced the tips of his ears, finally letting go of you. With a comforting squeeze of his hip, you waited for him to nod his consent before coming back down to his crotch and tugging down his underwear. 

...

Petals? You tilted your head a bit, examining closer. Yeah, petals. Reaching out hesitantly, you gently stroked the length of what seemed to be a flower twisted up on itself, and you heard him let out a quiet hiss. Soft-hued PLANT marks lined the length of his thighs and pelvis, his anatomy resembling a pussy more than what a guy usually had. If you remember correctly, the petals would be covering what was the pistil.  The more you touched him, little tendrils of what you would assume to be the stamens crept their way from the opening as the petals parted themselves. They wrapped around your wrist but made no move to stop you as you encouraged the petals to reveal more.

"H-hah... Wait...!" Nai cried out as you slid your fingers up and down the outside of his hole, lathering them in fluid. His eyes fluttered shut, his breathing becoming more and more labored. You looked up at him, encouraging him to stop you if needed, but all he offered was a pathetically submissive look through half-lidded eyes. Taking this as an incentive, you continued to explore him, growing increasingly curious about the swollen nub that sat prettily nestled between his folds. It must be the PLANT version of a clit.

You took the bud between your fingers and gave it a gentle pinch, and Nai bucked his hips up into your touch, whimpering. "S-sensitive!" There was something so salaciously intriguing about seeing the usually composed man become undone, so you continued. Rolling and caressing his clit whilst bringing your other hand to prod at his entrance before sinking a finger into him. He let out a soft whine as his body tensed up, pleasure visibly coursing throughout him as he came from the pressure alone. You coaxed him through it, pumping your finger in and out until he was writhing around and begging you to stop. 

Nai's voice was weak and strained, calling your name out in broken chants. You didn't though, knowing that if he truly wanted to, he could forcibly make you stop. Seeing as he didn't, you kept fucking him, eventually adding another finger whilst curling them against his puffy, slick walls. You felt around, paying attention to each arch of his back and twitch of his body, making sure to adjust your ministrations in turn. Tears started to build up in his eyes as he shamelessly humped your fingers, seeming to relish in the lewd wet sounds his cunt was making. He was so beautiful like this, it wasn't hard to believe he was a PLANT. Especially when his glyphs gradually appeared on his skin, pulsing with a soft light in time with each of his moans. He was ethereal in every sense in the world, and you were breaking him to his very core. 

Nai cried pathetic little pleas as you felt his walls clench around your fingers even tighter, growing close to his second high. "Please... please I- I can't-!" 

You hushed him, coming up to kiss him softly as you kept hitting all the places that had him melting into your touch. You rubbed harshly against his clit, your lip curling into a smile. "You can." He wailed, his hands scrambling to find something to clutch onto as he came again, his body spasming as his patterned skin glowed brighter, almost blinding you with the way they lit up the room.

Finally easing up, you gingerly pulled your hand away from his dripping hole, fascinated by the glittery cum that enveloped your fingers. You scissored your them open and closed, becoming acutely aware of Nai still recovering from his intense orgasm. His chest was collapsing in on itself, arm draped over his face as he panted hard. You gently pulled it away from his eyes, having him meet your gaze. A tilt of your head and a laugh left your lips as you caressed his cheek. "See? Not that bad, now was it?"

He spent a few long moments catching his breath before he smiled back weakly. "You'll be the death of me, dear." 

#trigun #trigun maximum #trigun manga #millions knives x you #millions knives x reader #millions knives #trigun x you #trigun x reader

[crazydaymycrazyway]

Song Taewon is an amazing character. But I kind of hate him. I mean, I get where his actions come from. Like, in the end it's for the safety of Yoojin. I hated how obsessively protective Yoohyun was of Yoojin. But it mellowed down somehow, and ultimately, he learns how to be protective without having to think if chaining up his brother. And Yoojin was also able to convince him to change his ways. But this man, Song Taewon. I understand how he is afraid of himself and hates himself amd think he's a monster and all, and I do feel for him. I kind of understand him too, like where it's all coming from. But like, it's for your own good so let me just choke you so that you know how dangerous S classes can be, and by giving you this trauma, you'll stay away from them. I understand there's a power imbalance between Yoojin and Yoohyun, and the S class brother can easily abuse the frail one. Taewon's right on that part. But his actions somehow make me think that he wants Yoojin to stay away and be afraid of his younger brother. Like, think about Yoojin's wishes here? Man knows how dangerous it is and he still chose to take the risk, because he knows it's worth it. And it's not like he was fairing any good without Yoohyun anyway. Drinking and smoking away, depression amd stuff (Eventhough it was mostly because of Yoohyun's later actions)

Song Taewon's like, lemme reduce the rank of your skill and proceeds to reduce the one skill that keeps him mentally sane? Like dude, do you know how many nightmares and trauma that fear resistance helps to keep at bay? I know he doesn't know it. But still. He did it so that Yoojin wouldn't come near the S classes and also so that the S classes won't salivate over his doubling skill. He felt the power and exhilaration and he liked it, it was addictive and he got afraid of it because it's hard to control his desire. But dude, it's Yoojin's own skill and he decides what to do with it. I understand if he was going around and murdering everybody or something. But he's literally what? Helping so that dungeon raids become easier and the society could be more at ease? Uprooting the association's corrupt parts? He's using his skills as he pleases without negatively affecting the world. And like, you come and do this sh*t? Who is he to decide this? For Yoojin's protection? Well congrats man, you just made his life more miserable. More nightmares, more trauma and anxiety. Yet he continues to do what he does, this time struggling even more. As if what he faced isn't already enough. You use your skill on another guy for his 'protection' but he cleary doesn't want you to, and you forced it on him. Like, dipsh*t, where's a person's freedom of choice here? What if the skill he deranked was one that reduces the pain he feels and what if Yoojin had some kind of chronic pain? Well, your decision to 'protect' him will cause him to go through hell! Isn't he a guy with self control? Can't he think?! I hated this about him.

But I do understand where he comes from. Doesn't make me hate him any less. It might've been the paranoia or something. And he might've thought it to be the best course of action.

But dude, if I had a dream of being a model, and my dad goes and says it's dangerous for you and there will be creepy people staring at you so you can't be one and forcefully make me chose another path, saying it's for my own protection, am I supposed to feel good? What about what I want to do? My freedom of choice? You can't just force me to do something I don't want to. It's not like I'm causing the society any harm by pursuing my dreams? (Just an example)

Song Taewon's a civil servant, he has duties and a very important role in the stability if the society. I understand. I also understand the inner turmoil he faces. But I hate him.

His dynamic with Yoojin and Sung Hyunjae is quite amusing though. I'm not shipping the three if them, I will never. But it is cute, like I'm introverted and unworthy of love, I'm a monster and the other two go aigoo, who's my little monster, my cuddly bug, you're so sweet, so big and intimidating but so cute. It's funny.

But I hate him to guts. Just my opinion though. I think his character is intresting and a little funny, but that's it.

#the s classes that i raised #song taewon #han yoojin #sung hyunjae #my thoughts on song taewon's actions #based on the latest episode of the manga #i don't like him #just my opinion #his dunamics woth the jinjae couple is funny #i understands him #a little #but i still hate him #I'm ranting cuz I'm frustrated #a rant

[dino-cattivo]

Pray for me, cos I won't pray for you

My fic for the @the-centennial-husbands-bigbang!

The amazing art for this fic was done by @jeniidrawsshit and oh my god I love it so so much. It is just so amazing.

LINK TO THE ART!!! GO CHECK IT OUT!!

Pairing: Hob/Dream

Rating: mature

Word Count: 40,657

Tags: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Happy Ending, Eventual Happy Ending, Blood, Canon-Typical Violence, gore like the dinner episode, The Corinthian is His Own Warning (The Sandman), Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Attempted Sexual Assault, Blood and Injury, Alternate Universe - Mob, Organized Crime, Hob joins the mafia, Self Confidence Issues, Hob Gadling Loves Dream of the Endless | Morpheus, POV Hob Gadling, Hob Gadling Needs A Hug, Misunderstandings

Summery: After their fight in 1889 Hob falls in with a bad crowd thanks to a boy that reminds him of Robyn. He tries to stop his descent into crime not wanting to be reduced to being nothing more than a murderer again. But eh fails. Compared to all the live he ends helping to guard a basement is tame. If only Corinthian, the right hand man of his employer, would stop flirting with him despite being turned down multiple times already.

Chapter 1 under the cut. Will repost the next chapters as reblog because of word limit.

~1889~

“You knew Lady Johanna. You know, Lushing Lou. You know everyone, don't you?” Hob asked in wonder. He may not know who or rather what his stranger was, but he could never help but be amazed by everything he could do. Sometimes when he laid awake, unable to catch sleep, he came up with the wildest theories about the man. He imagines him being a vampire, a fae, and even considered an old god from Greece. But he would never know, as his stranger never revealed anything about himself, not even his name. 

It felt unfair in a way. Him knowing everything about Hob, while Hob got nothing. It had crossed his mind to be petty, to keep things to himself, go against their deal in a way. But Hob couldn’t stop himself from telling the man whatever he could when they saw each other, eager to be able to share.  

“I saw her again, you know.”

“Who? Lady Johanna?” Worry flared up. He knew his stranger was fine, sitting across the table from him. He also knew the man was strong enough to protect himself. But he couldn’t help wanting to be there, to protect, to keep his stranger safe, even at the cost of his own freedom.

“She undertook a task for me and succeeded admirably, I might add.”

Jealousy, burning hot, filling his veins. He tried to tamper it down, to net let it get to him, but he couldn’t help himself. All the time he had wanted nothing more than to get close to his stranger, to prove his worth, and now he had offered that chance to someone else. He had chosen someone who had hunted them down and tried to do harm instead of someone he shared centuries of friendship with.

It hurt. 

Although, could he hold it against his stranger? The man knew Hob for so long, knew what he has done, knew all his failures during his long life. So it was no wonder he didn’t trust Hob enough to ask him for a favor. His voice was filled with self-loathing as he spoke. “That might be the only thing I've learned after 500 years. People are almost always better than you think they are. Not me, though. Still the same as ever.”

“I think perhaps you've changed.” Hob’s heart started beating faster at the other’s words. Did he really think so? Hob wished it was true. He wants to change, to be good, worthy of his stranger.

“Well, I may have learned a bit from my mistakes. But, uh… doesn't seem to stop me from making them. I think it's you that's changed.”

“How so?”

Hob should shut up now and be content with what he had, seeing the man he had fallen for every hundred years. He should not press the issue, no matter how desperate he was to be acknowledged by the other. But Hob had never been smart when it came to things he desired.

“I think I know why we still meet here, century after century. It's not because you want to see whether or not I'm ready to seek death. I don't think I'll ever seek death. By now, you know that about me. So, I think you're here for something else.”

“And what might that be?” His stranger looked curious at that. Hob liked the look as it meant he had done something to surprise the man.

“Friendship. I think you're lonely.” And in true Hob fashion, he managed to put his foot in his mouth. He knew the moment he had spoken, he had made a mistake. It was the truth, but the wording was just unfortunate and way too blunt. And not at all how he had planned to breach the topic.

“You dare…”

“No, look, I'm not saying–,” Hob tried to backpedal, but it was too late. “You… dare suggest one such as I might need your companionship.”

“Yes. Yes, I do.”

Maybe despite Hob’s foolish approach, there was a chance all of this still had a good outcome, and they would get closer. “Then I shall take my leave of you and prove you wrong.” Or maybe not. Hob sprang up from his chair and chased after his stranger as the man strode out of the tavern. The man couldn’t do this. If he wanted or not, they were friends. You didn’t just storm off and leave your friends behind.

“I'll tell you what, I'll be here in 100 years' time. If you're here then, too, it'll be because we're friends. No other reason, right?” He was met by silence as his stranger didn’t seem fit to answer and just disappeared. 

“Fսck.” 

~1897~

He was pissed, absolutely livid. Who did he think he was? He had no right to speak to Hob like this, no matter how powerful he was. That was not how things worked. You couldn’t be an asshole like that and expect people to stick around. Hob didn’t need him. They saw each other only every hundredth years, and even then the stranger often didn’t have time for Hob and fucked off with someone else. So what if Shakespeare was famous now? Hob would still have been better company back then. No, he didn’t need the man. He would make new friends. Better ones.

~1936~

Okay, so maybe mistakes had been made and Hob should have chosen his words more carefully. That was on him. His stranger still shouldn’t have exploded like this and should rather have tried to talk things out like a grown up, but still – Hob hadn’t been entirely blameless in the situation.

When they saw each other the next time he would have to apologize and maybe then they could laugh together about the stupid fight. Or well, Hob had never seen his stranger laugh, couldn’t even imagine it. He would settle for a smirk then.

~1983~

Anxiety was settled deep in his chest. What if his stranger proved him wrong. What if he didn’t show, determined to not give in. Hob had no way of finding him. He didn’t even know who he was looking for. What would Hob even do? Nothing besides showing up in the White Horse every hundred years and praying at some point his stranger would forgive him and come for him. 

Once more, he felt powerless in their relationship. It was the whole reason why he had even started the fight, wanting to know more, anything about his stranger. He didn’t want to be on equal footing, knowing it would never be, but he wanted something that was his. He didn’t want to be just another amusement the man had, but to mean at least something to the other. 

Tears sprung to his eyes as he hit his desk in frustration. It was unfair. The stranger meant too much to him, was such a big part of his life, and Hob didn’t even know if he was the only immortal he kept. Maybe Shakespeare was out there under a new name, living his best life and meeting his stranger more often than every hundredth years. And there was nothing Hob could do about it, no way for him to even find out.

Knowing he wouldn’t be able to concentrate on any more work, he gathered his documents and put them in a briefcase before leaving the empty office and making his way through the dark street. They were in the progress of having the gas street-lamps replaced by electrical once, but it was slow progress. And during it many streets stayed dark, since repairing gaslights when they were about to be replaced was a waste of resources according to the major. Hob didn’t care too much, he didn’t fear the dark.

He should have.

A dark figure stepped in front of him, barely noticeable in the moonlight. Turning around to run, he saw another figure blocking the other exit of the street and walking towards Hob. A flash of metal in the dark, a weapon. Hob swallowed, not because he was scared, he had survived much worse, but because it spelled trouble, and he couldn’t risk anyone finding out he was immortal. Not with times changing and hiding who he was becoming more and more difficult.

“Your money or your life,” Hob had to suppress a snort at the nasal voice. Ah, criminals, always the same no matter how many centuries passed. He remembered the time well, when he was in the other's position, stopping the carriages of rich folks and demanding the valuables. He had used the exact same words. Although, he guessed there was no much need for flair when it came to such simple matters.

“Alright, I will give you what I have. Please don’t hurt me,” Hob held up his hands, talking calm and trying not to provoke them. He couldn’t die, sure, but being stabbed hurt like a freaking bitch. Hob would rather part with some cash he had on hand and his watch. Nothing holding real value to him, and easy enough to replace. 

So very slowly and telegraphing his movement clearly, he reached inside his coat and pulled out his wallet, holding it out until it was snatched from his fingers. Next was his watch that got the same treatment. And still Hob was well-behaved, not struggling, calm and cooperating. He gave no reason for the situation to escalate, giving his robbers all chances to just leave now with their loot.

Which was why Hob was so surprised when pain exploded at the side of his head. He stumbled, his knee hitting the pavement, his palm getting scratched as he caught himself. Blinking, he tried to lift the haze from his thoughts as he looked up at the two shapes hovering above him. 

It was only instincts, honed through centuries with conflicts, that saved him, his head ducking automatically as he heard the swish of metal through the air. But just because the knife didn't slash his face didn't mean he was safe, as he was not as fortunate in avoiding the kick to his side. He cried out as pain exploded in his ribs. Every fiber of his being wanted him to curl up and protect his soft belly, but he forced down this instinct with gritted teeth. 

No, if you wanted to survive, you had to fight with everything you got. Using the momentum of the kick, he stumbled back to his feet, and got some distance between himself and the attackers. Despite the throbbing in his head, he now could see them more clearly, that was not the face of someone just messing around. No, they wore big smiles, and were enjoying his pain. They wouldn't stop. At least not on their own. 

One of them, heavy dark coat, spindly frame, soon ran towards Hob, knife in hand. Amateur movements. Hob stepped forward, getting close, deflected the blade by smacking the other's arm. His knee meets the other's stomach, sending him down. Before he could make sure he stayed down the other man, this one smaller but wider, jumped on him, and they tumbled to the ground.

That was fine. Hob knew how to wrestle and had the other in a chokehold in seconds. Still two against one, but he kicked out the legs of the man running towards him to tear him off his friend.

The body was suddenly in free-fall, arms whirling trying to get back balance. 

Then a sickening crunch and Hob froze.  

He had heard it often during his lifetime. He had sworn he would no longer be the cause of it. 

Looking over, he didn't need to see the neck bend in an awkward position to know the man was gone. 

Hob had killed him. He hadn't meant to, it had been an accident. But he had killed someone. 

After all the lifetime he had lead and all the killing and dying he had done, he had wanted to be done with it. He just wanted to live in peace and do let others do the same. But now he had ripped someone else out of their life. How could he live with himself knowing what he had just done. 

“Chris,” the man, Hob was still entangled on the ground with, cried out and struggled to free himself. Hob helped him as best as he could now that he was no longer in danger of being attacked. 

Getting up himself, he saw the man kneeling next to the body crying, shaking it and begging for Chris to open his eyes. The man didn’t. They never did. Once someone was gone, there was nothing you can do, no matter how you cried out to your stranger to spare them. 

Suddenly the man got up, swinging at Hob, but in his grief it had become uncoordinated and Hob easily stopped the punch. 

“You murderer! You killed him!”

He hadn’t meant to. And it wouldn’t have happened if they hadn’t attacked him. But pointing that out wouldn’t help, as the man would not listen to reason. He wanted someone to be angry at, to blame, to lessen his own guilt. And Hob was the perfect target. Hob stopped the other punch and just held on as the man cried. It was the least Hob could do.

There was the sound of footsteps in the distance, spooking the man, and he ripped himself free and started stumbling away. Hob didn’t stop him, just sitting down on the ground next to the cooling body and waited. He should probably call the police, but he couldn’t bring himself to move, so he just waited. How long he didn’t know, but at some point steps came closer and when he looked up Hob could see men in uniform entering the alley. The police has arrived. 

Hob didn’t resist when he was dragged up and cold iron snapped around his wrist. Neither when he was pulled away. Everything was a blur. He didn’t remember how they made it to the station, just that he found himself in a chair, an officer sitting on the other side of the desk staring him down.

He was asked questions he can’t answer, the full name of the victim, their relationship and most of all why he did it. All Hob can say is, it was an accident, I didn’t mean to, they attacked me first, I just tried to defend myself, then he fell. Over and over, he repeats it like a mantra. Something to hang on when everyone wants to make him believe he did it on purpose. When their words make him question himself. 

I didn’t mean to. It was an accident. I was just defending myself.

He didn’t know how much time has passed, there was no clock in the room nor window. His voice was rough and black spots dance on the edge of his vision, they hadn’t bothered giving him a glass of water. The blood in his hair from the first swing he took was dry and flaking off every time he shakes his head in denial. His ribs throb with every breath.

He was about to just nod, accept whatever they said if it meant he will be thrown into a cell where he could lay down and close his eyes. It would ruin his life, but wouldn’t that be right after what he had done? A few years of suffering was the least he deserved. Especially since he unlike others had the option to start anew after faking his death.

His downward spiral was stopped by a man bargain in, under loud protests of some officers. The man’s briefcase hit the desk hard, and Hob flinched back at the loud noise.

“Don’t say anything,” sharp blue eyes drilled into Hob’s making him cower at the imposing figure in front of him. The man commanded respect, not because of the nice suit he was wearing or the expensive jewelry or because he was even taller than Hob, but in the way he held himself, his presence filling the whole room. 

So Hob shut his mouth. It was not like anyone was really listening to what he had to say anyway. And not speaking would be good for the scratching in his throat. His fate now would be decided if the new person was a friend or someone wanting to drag him down. Hob didn’t have the strength to fight anymore.

“You,” the man whirled on the officer, making him duck on instinct, only to puff up and try to make himself more imposing when he noticed. “Tell me how it comes that you had him in here for 8 hours and couldn’t even be bothered to give him a glass of water nor give him medical attention? Where are we? At the witch trials,” Hob flinched hard at the words, remembering the trials only too well. Back then he had broken as well, admitting to anything as long as it meant the pain would end. 

To his surprise, the stranger pushed his briefcase further on the desk, blocking Hob’s slumped form from view and gave him at least a bit of privacy as he fought with his demons.

“He killed a man! What do you expect? A fluffed up pillow and a three-course meal?”

“Human decency!” The officer was now absolutely cowering under the pressure, despite his best efforts. “Or are you that desperate you couldn’t take the 10 minutes to have him checked over? Maybe because you know you don’t have a case?”

“Bullshit! I know you love to put your nose where it doesn’t belong, Mr. Henderson. He killed the guy. We found him next to the corpse, and he admitted it was him who made the deceased fall.”

“And wasn’t he also quite persistence that the deceased and another man were the once attacking him, and he was just defending himself? Or are you just going to ignore that? So I suggest instead of harassing the victim, you should rather be out there looking for the second attacker.”

And the officer, despite his complaints and grumbling, got up and left the room. There was no way to know if he was really searching for the other attacker, and if there was even a chance to find the man with how little information Hob had been able to give, but getting a breather was enough for Hob.

His head laid on the desk, the cold helping against his headache, and he just rested his eyes for a moment. He heard movement but ignored Mr. Henderson for now. Or at least he tried to, but the man kneeled down next to Hob’s chair and his hand laid on Hob’s knee. 

Blinking his eyes back open was an effort, but Hob managed and looked down at the concerned eyes looking up at him.

“Mr. Gadling, I wish could say it will be alright, but your situation doesn’t look good. But rest assured, I will do anything in my power to get you out of this.”

“I don’t think I have the money to pay your commission,” Hob was not poor. But the last years after he had fought with his friend, he had let himself go. Gambling, and throwing money at unnecessary luxuries just because he could. When he had pulled his head out of his ass, he had already spent most of his fortune and was now living like the middle class. Not bad, but not enough to pay a man wearing jewelry that could feed a family for at least a year.

“Don’t worry about money. Just focus on getting through this.”

Hob snorted, so either once he was out the man would make demands to be paid back another way, forcing Hob into his servitude, or he was just plain stupid. Saying that straight to the man’s face was not the best idea, but the man just laughed.

“Personally, I see myself as someone just trying to do the right thing, reforming the misdeeds in the justice system.”

So, delusional. But Hob could work with that. And having a delusional lawyer was better than not having one at all, so accepting the help would be best.

“The biggest problem is all we have to confirm your story is your word. Even if the police showed an ounce of competence and finds the other robber, he will tell his own story.” Hob knew all that. He didn’t know why the other even bothered, since there was no way he would get out of here. Not with everyone in the station being hellbent on making sure he went to prison. But at least he got to go to a holding cell for now and take a nap until Mr. Henderson would return the next day. 

And return he did with a big smile on his face. The police had not found the other robber, but they had found a woman hanging around the alleyway, and with a bit of pressure she had admitted to seeing the whole thing backing up Hob’s story. The officers complained and tried to poke holes in his defense, but in the end they had no other option but to accept that his actions had been to defend his own life. 

Things dragged on, Hob being pushed from one cell to the other as people discussed his fate. Mr. Henderson, please call me Edward, was there every step of the way and the only reason why Hob didn’t fell apart. 

Still, Hob couldn’t believe it when the judge finally spoke the words not guilty, and he was stepping into the sun. Till the last moment he had waited for the second shoe to drop, for someone to jump out and present new evidence sending him to jail.

Turning to Edward standing beside him, smiling brightly, he couldn’t help himself, but pulling the man into his arms and thanking him under tears. The man had been there for him, like a true friend, and if he ever needed it, Hob would be there for him in return.

He had lost his stranger, but he was not alone. There were good people out there, just waiting for him. All Hobs had to do was open his heart and accept them. 

With this being over, Hob could move on with his life. Things finally looked up. Or they did until he found out he had no longer a job because of his long absence and his old boss was unwilling to hire a killer despite Hob being proclaimed not guilty. Hob didn’t understand it, but he was unwilling to start a fight. He could find someplace else. Only words of his case had spread through the whole city, and no one was willing to hire him. And without a job there was no money which meant he would be unable to pay his upcoming rent.

But nothing he tried worked. The only positions willing to hire him wouldn’t even make a dent in his rent, even if he had three jobs. And with the housing shortage, there was no place else he could live that would be cheaper. He could move, somewhere no one knew him. But he couldn’t bring himself to leave London. This was his home, where his only friend lived. And he had to be here in a few years to be at the White Horse in case his stranger returned. 

He could ask Edward for help, but he didn’t want it to seem he was just after the other's money. Especially with Edwards business taking a major hit after a person he was defending was proven guilty. Hob tried to help as best as he could behind closed doors but knew he couldn’t do more since it wouldn’t look good on Edward if he was seen with Hob. 

It was a major point of friction. Edward didn’t care about his reputation and had no trouble inviting Hob out for dinner or even hiring him. But Hob refusing frustrated him, especially when Hob even declined his money, despite Edward knowing how much Hob was struggling. He just wanted to support his best friend and being unable to do so and just having to watch how he made himself smaller and smaller, shrinking under all negative attention focused on him angered him.

Their love for each other made them want the best for each other. And it tore their friendship apart. They were unable to spend time together without a disagreement, and then their friendship ended in a big fight. 

And it was Hob fault. He always said the wrong thing, turning away the people he cared about. First his stranger now Edward. Maybe he was meant to be alone.

But the world didn’t stop for his emotional turmoil. The rent needed to be paid, now especially since there was no longer a friend who would have a place on their sofa for Hob to sleep on. And Hob really needed to keep a roof over his head. 

He was terrified of ending back on the street. He did it once, and it was the worst time of his life. Just a nightmare of pain, suffering, anger, blood, and a desperate fight for survival. He knew getting back up once you were so far down was almost impossible. He couldn’t let it get this far. Not if there was something he could do. Even if it means he had to let go of his pride.

The first time wasn’t planed. Was just walking, trying to clear his head and finding a way out. The window was open, everything else dark, and no car in the driveway. He knew it was wrong, he should be better than this. 

He climbed the fence and slipped through the window, heart beating fast as he listened for any sign of life inside the house. Nothing. Sneaking around, he grabbed anything of value. 

Ten minutes later he was out, pockets heavy, and on his way to the pawnshop. It was not enough to pay the rent but enough to satisfy his landlord getting another week before he would be kicked out. 

It made him think about how easy it had been. And how little effort had taken to get the money. And it was not as if he hadn’t tried other options. It was them, society, not giving him a choice. If they had just given him a job, he wouldn’t be in this position. It was their fault, not his. 

And it was not as if he had hurt anyone. A few valuables were gone. And? They could replace it, their house had been nice enough they could afford a small loss like that.

Yes. It was the least all of them deserved for letting him down like this. He would just take what he needed to survive. And it was only temporary until he was back on his feet. They all thought he was a murderer, a bit of stealing was nothing in comparison.

It became a routine, going on nightly strolls and returning with his pocket full. He was good at it. Always knew when someone was home or not, avoided being seen when he made his way inside, and didn’t spend a second longer inside than he had to.

No one had to know what Hob did. Well except, the pawnshop owner, but he didn’t say anything and just gave Hob a price much under the actual value of the items. Hob was fine with that. Paying hush money was better than being ratted out to the police. Especially since the police so far had no idea he even existed. There was always breaking and entering, and he chose his targets so far apart there was no connection. The cops had better things to do than chasing a criminal that didn’t cause real harm. And Hob liked things that way. He had managed to avoid prison once, he didn’t want to risk it, especially since this time there would be no Edward bailing him out.

His rent was paid, he had food in his belly and a new coat. Life was good. Or it should be. There was still the guilt nagging at him that all of this wasn’t his. That he had stolen it and it was wrong. But with every failed attempt to find another source of income, he fell deeper into his ways. It was just too easy. Until weeks passed by without him searching for a legitimate job. 

~1989~

He started hating the man he was becoming. Or rather, he was returning to. He had thought he had become better, had changed. But now he was back at square one. Just a lowlife surviving by harming others. He didn’t want to be like this.

But there was still hope. One last chance to turn things around. Hob may not have the best moral compass – if he had any at all- but his stranger always knew right from wrong. Even before society or law. It had taken him to tell Hob for Hob to realize slavery was wrong. Today it was unthinkable, but back then it has just been how things were. And even then his stranger had known it was wrong. Hob just had to tell him, and his stranger would set him right and correct Hob’s course for the next 100 years.

Yes, all Hob had to do was meet his friend and things would be okay. So he drove to the White Horse in a car he had stolen, full of excitement in the prospect of the weight leaving his chest. He would do better, become good. To get his stranger approval.

But the longer he sat there, alone, the worse he felt. It looked like this was his stranger's answer. They were never and never would be friends. Hob was alone, on his own. There was no one who cared. No one who had any expectations, everyone had given up on him. Why should he even try? If there was no one to judge him, why not make things easy for himself?

Things escalate from there, as there is nothing holding Hob back. So what if the houses he breaks into now are not from some rich fucks but middle class as well? They had shunned him just as well. And their security was a lot laxer. Also, less to steal, but it was enough. And then there was someone home, but the house was way too good to pass up on. But it was okay, he would just be quiet. 

A good plan if not for the man of the house stepping out of his bed to get a glass of water just as Hob was clearing out their silver drawer. They looked at each other frozen, and Hob was glad for the hat and the scarf hiding most of his face. 

Before the other could too much than let out a shocked shout, Hob had jumped over the counter and tackled him to the ground, choking him until he lost conscious. When the wife appeared in the doorway, he was prepared, knocking her unconscious.

He used things found around the house to bind them to two chairs and gag them, before taking his time emptying their whole house. They would call the police anyway, Hob could at least make it worth it. And worth it, it was. He left the pawnshop with a big bundle of cash.

And if he spotted some rich folks taking a shortcut through a dark allay, well then it was their own fault, since they had begged for it. You couldn’t blame Hob for standing there with a knife demanding their valuables in a sick play on the situation that had started this whole thing. But other than his attackers back then, he was just after the money. Once he had what he wanted, he let his victims go unharmed. 

He didn’t kill. That was a line he would never cross again. And if he had to attack someone or render them unconscious, he did it with causing as little harm as possible. It was something which baffled the police and press alike, as they couldn’t decide if he was a monster or a gentleman thief. It was kinda amusing reading about people losing their mind trying to figure him out. Especially since it was that easy. He was just someone no longer following societies rules and just living by his own codex, doing whatever he pleased.

Even if this codex was completely screwed. Like right now, still blood on his knuckles from having to knock someone out who resisted, but being offended by a bunch of teens ganging up on a gangly little thing. It just strokes him wrong, seeing something like this. 

But it is not his problem. There is no need to get involved.

Or at least it wasn’t until the boy rose his head and looked straight at Hob. Dark brown eyes, with hair of the same color. But that was not what stopped Hob in his tracks. He looked just like Robyn. Well, not exactly, it was more the vibes he was giving up. But Hob couldn’t stop seeing his son laying there on the ground beaten and bloody, his tormentors surrounding him.

He moved before he really thought about it. 

His fist connected with the nose of the guy to the left. The bone crunched under the impact and the guy stumbled back, shouting in pain. That got the attention of the rest of his group, who instantly stepped in to avenge their friend. With no option to back out of this anymore, Hob just went with the flow and beat everyone getting into punching distance. They had the numbers, but they were untrained and rather stood in each other's way than taken advantage and overpowering Hob. Which leads to Hob standing between fallen bodies, breathing heavy and blood on his shirt but mostly unharmed beside a few bruises. 

Walking over to the fallen boy, he saw him flinch. Hob hadn’t meant to scare him, although the display of violence must have been frightening. But he didn’t feel comfortable leaving him sitting on the ground with unknown injuries, especially since his attackers would get up soon. 

He wanted to gain the boy's trust, but Hob had forgotten how to be comforting and soft. Hadn’t had need for it in years. Even for Edward, he had not managed to bring back that part of himself. Which was just as well because Edward liked his brash and direct way.

But now he tried, crouching down, holding out his hands and speaking softly. “It's okay. I took care of them,” well, he tried. He failed miserably, sounding more threatening than reassuring, but he had tried. How had he managed to deal with Robyn without frightening the child? He couldn’t remember. And wasn’t that sad? Not remembering this everyday life with his son, only holding some special memories close to his heart while the rest faded?

Knowing that his presence would only distress the boy more, he got up and turned to leave. He would just call the police to check things out, once he was far enough away. Only there was a tug on his pant leg and turning he saw the boy grasping the fabric with shaking fingers. The big teary eyes looking up at Hob broke his heart, and he couldn’t stop himself from leaning down again and pulling the boy into his arms. Crying and wailing filled the alley, but the boy clung to Hob desperately. 

Carrying him into his arm and towards Hob’s apartment, reminded Hob of the times Robyn had been unable to sleep and Hob had walked through the whole house with the child in his arm to keep him calm, while Elenore watched them with a smile. He had forgotten it until his actions pulled the memory back up.

Entering his building, he sat the boy on his sofa and retrieved his extensive med-kit. Being unable to die meant treating injuries yourself that would bring up questions, going to the hospital. He didn’t need much of it to treat the boy. The injuries had looked worse than they actually were. A bloody nose, bruising, scratched hands and knees, a gash close to his hairline that luckily didn’t need stitches, and a cracked wrist. 

Once the task was done, Hob looked at the boy awkwardly, not knowing what to do.

“You want tea?” You could never go wrong with tea. The boy nodded and Hob set to work, returning with two mugs of tea.

“Thank you,” the voice was shy and soft. But at least the shaking had stopped as the kid started to relax.

“Don’t worry about it,” Hob meant it. Neither the tea nor stepping in had been much trouble, and Hob had done it for his own piece of mind. There was no need t thank him.

Hob swirled the tea in his mug, not knowing what to say. Should he give the kid money for a taxi? Take him home? Offer him the sofa for tonight? Hob didn’t know. 

Luckily for him, the boy was not as incapable of social interaction as he was.

“My name is Georgie Baldwin. What about you.”

“Hob,” he didn’t give a last name. The less the boy knew, the better it was for him with the life Hob lived.

“Thank you for saving me, Hob,” the boy put down his empty mug, hugged Hob and then left the apartment before Hob could compose himself. He looked at the closed door not understanding what exactly had happened, but then he just shrugged. Another weird day in his weird life. No need to think deeper about it. It was not as if hew would see the boy ever again.

After cleaning up the medical equipment, he laid in bed, unable to sleep. 

The encounter had brought up memories of a happier time. It made him realize just how lonely he felt. There was a gnawing emptiness in his chest, where his heart once was. He wanted someone to be there for him, to greet him when he got home, to care if he made it home. He didn’t want t be alone anymore. But every time he tried he messed up and ended up back alone. It was better to not try, and be disappointed rather than to suffer.

But knowing that didn’t fill the emptiness in his chest and no matter how much he tried he didn’t find any rest. Which left him cranky and short temperate when he stomped to the door, mug with extra strong coffee in hand, to tell whoever was on the other side to fuck off. Throwing the door open, he came face to face with the kid from yesterday.

The door banged close, as Hob didn’t have the patience to deal with whatever bullshit this was. Instead, he took a big swing of his coffee, cursed as it burned his tongue, and debated if a nice fluffy omelet was worth the effort of actually making it. 

His doorbell chimed again.

Hadn’t he been clear enough in his dismissal? But no, when he opened the door, the boy was still standing there smiling at him. What a prick. But not stupid, as he held out a bag that smelled heavenly of backed goods as bribery. 

With his stomach grumbling, Hob admitted defeat and took the bag, leaving the door open as he stepped inside. The boy had already been here, it wouldn’t do any harm to let him in. But Hob was not in the mood to play good host right now and didn’t offer any tea or coffee. Ripping open the bag, he found muffins and chocolate croissants. All things considered, it was a good bribe.

Humming happily, he dug in as the boy sat down watching him carefully. 

“So what so you want kid?” 

“It’s Georgie,” the way the kid pouted was kinda cute. He must have old ladies want to feed him all over town. “I want you to teach me how to fight.” Hob choked on the bit of croissant. He couldn’t say if it was his immortality or Georgie slapping his back that prevented him from entering the sunless lands. Whipping tears out of his eyes, he looked at the kid as if he had lost his mind.

“Are you completely crazy? Why would you ask me?”

 “The way you fought was amazing. Please, I want to be able to do it too.”

“Hard pass. Why the heck should I teach a brat?”

“I can pay you,” the kid dove for his pocket and placed a stack of bills on the table. It was no small amount. So, a rich brat. Well, it was not as Hob really needed money with how well his business was going. And he would rather not involve the kid by accident. If he went down for his actions it was one thing but dragging a kid down with him was completely different. And if he gave in now, he just knew the kid would one day rob houses side by side with him.

“Pass. Go home kid. You are young and have a bright life ahead of you. There is no need to get involved with the likes of me.”

“But what if they come back?! I need to be able to defend myself,” Hob just groaned as this was just playing unfair. Especially since it was a fair point. The bullies had found him once, and there was no guarantee they wouldn’t do worse when Hob was not close by to step in. It was just unfair. Hob was not responsible for the kid, could barely remember his name. But he had made it his responsibility when he stepped in. The least he could do was see things through now.

“Okay fine. I will teach you self-defense. Nothing more. And you will stay out of my business.”

“Deal,” the kid smiled brightly as he held out his hand for Hob to shake. Knowing that one day he would regret this Hob took the offered hand.

#dreamling #dream of the endless #hob gadling #dream x hob #centennialhusbandsbigbang

[ryttu3k]

Posting a list of Astarion-related plotbunnies I'll probably never get to so I'm setting them loose upon the internet.

If you decide to write any of these please let me know, I'd love to read them <3

1) Cazador gets sick of waiting for Astarion, and also what fun is being the Vampire Ascendant if you don't have anyone to subjugate? As Dufay feared, he gets scarred and used in Astarion's place for the ritual, and Ascended Cazador shows up in the middle of a bright sunny day at the Elfsong to try and reclaim his errant spawn, easily overpowering basically everyone. Gale, who's in the midst of a sweet slowburn romance with Astarion, basically goes, okay, look, we're currently the only ones who have a hope to defeat the Netherbrain, and you won't be Vampire Ascendant for much longer if mind flayers take over Toril. Side with us against it, and we'll give you Astarion after.

He's lying through his teeth and is very quick to tell Astarion that as soon as Cazador leaves, because once he has the Crown of Karsus :) he'll be able to take Cazador out :) no problem :)

The real struggle isn't just fighting a desire for power, it's fighting against something that will permanently change him but also give him the best possible chance to save his lover, versus giving up that power and staying Gale Dekarios, not losing his identity, but also now having to fight the Vampire Ascendant without all that power...

2) Astarion stays in the Underdark to assist with the spawn, and ends up striking up a friendship with Gandrel, who wants Astarion's advice on how to raise his spawn daughters. Fluffy slow-burn romance with his former enemy ensues. Could tie in with this delightful epilogue detail.

3) Short version: Astarion tries to do A Scheme only it backfires due to the fact that he's starting to experience Emotions like 'self-worth'.

Longer version: Astarion sets out to deal with (read: seduce) Gortash - gives him Ketheric's stone, says the others have gone off to fight Orin and get [x] back, and it'll be easy enough to get Orin's stone from them once they've done the hard work, telling Gortash that the others lack ambition or have other plans. Lae'zel wants to give the Crown to Raphael to free Orpheus, Gale wants it for himself, etc. Only Astarion can see Gortash's point - that they can run the Absolute cult, they can use the stones. Gortash, Astarion, and a certain Bhaalspawn who Astarion is fairly certain would be amenable…

His actual plan is to seduce Gortash, kill him when he's not expecting it, and take the stone and return to the others, because he's good at seducing people for a purpose, so why not just do what he's best at? Except he's suddenly realising that, huh, he actually doesn't want to just… be used any more, he likes the person he's becoming with resist!Durge, and it all feels a bit… icky, now…

4) Astarion + trust issues + being touch-starved for non-intimate touch. Astarion gets some kind of back injury (thorns or little shards of glass or splinters or something, not something terribly lethal but just painful to deal with) and has to confide in someone (Halsin would be good here) and let them see and touch his scars to help get himself fixed up. Bit of whump, bit of hurt/comfort.

5) "Oh, I tried them all. None of them answered." Astarion has Issues with the gods. Gale catches him vandalising the Open Hand Temple / Stormshore Tabernacle, and they talk about gods and their fickle attentions.

6) Astarion can't swim. Karlach offers him and Shadowheart swimming lessons (and promptly goes heart-eyes a bit over her white-haired elven boyfriend and girlfriend).

7) AU where Ulder isn't a Complete Garbage Person who disowns his teenage son, and instead accepts and helps Wyll as much as he can. The Blade of Baldur's Gate instead focuses on helping his city, and it's time to do something about that creepy gothic monstrosity known as the Szarr Palace…

#be free little plotbunnies be free! #baldur's gate 3 #bg3 spoilers #bg3 #astarion #astarion ancunin #the pale elf #ry writes stuff #or doesn't #that's the point

[abyssalhuntersnerd]

While yes, Specter Alter made me fucking suffer for months because she's just built different, I still adore her with every single fiber of my being because she's literally everything I could have ever wanted and she is everything she deserved to be.

Everytime I think about how beautiful her character development has been and how her own self worth journey has developed I just get so happy because she thought that she was worth nothing. Her body has been worn out, she has no control over it and the only thing she can do that is somewhat useful is slicing things up for a living. Even if she has a brief moment of consciousness, it's probably just as bad as being trapped in her previous state, it's spent thinking to herself there really isn't anything she can do for herself and that this is it, her fate has been decided. She will die fighting like this, being restrained to chains she never chose in the first place and she won't have a choice in the matter- Because some weirdos decided to inject Originium into her spine to get information out of her and even when they tried to, she still never gave them what they wanted.

I don't think we talk about her mental resilience enough. Like yeah, she was unstable when she didn't have control over herself and her reactions to certain things told you everything you needed to know about her past experiences- But damn, this girl is tougher than most of us would like to admit. The Church tortured her to extremes I'd rather not think about, ruined her life and her as a whole but she doesn't hold any resentment towards them, she doesn't hate their guts, she simply is disgusted by them and just... Instead of straight up murdering Amaya on the fucking spot cause let me tell you I would not be able to hold myself back, she just tells her to fuck off, to please die in the fanciest way possible and dances with her because why not. Just why not. At the end of the day she still admits they would never have gotten along but damn, just damn.

The fact that she takes that experience, the years of isolation and pain- And learns to love herself for who she is now, not for who she was before is mesmerizing. She's 3 people at the same time, she's Laurentina of Aegir, she's Shark of the 2nd Company and she's Specter the Unchained. She's the same person she was but she doesn't reject the parts she hated before.

She sees so much more worth in her own self than she ever did before because those parts she's been trying to reject for so long are what she just needed to become the person she was meant to be, so beautiful, so tragic and so perfect that she baffles me at times.

We don't talk about her enough. About how she's seen her the worst parts of herself and instead of hating them she embraced them. How we all wished we could do that ourselves and we find it so difficult because loving yourself is so hard nowadays.

And honestly? We also don't give Skadi and Gladiia enough goddamn credit. I don't care what anyone says anymore, if it wasn't for them Specter wouldn't be where she is. Yes, they weren't the ones who made her like this but the fact Skadi spent literally YEARS to find something that would help her, even if it was just for a brief moment because she wanted to talk to her, be with her and try to save the only thing she had left from her beloved home? How she considers her, her treasure map, the one who keeps her going even though she doesn't know where she's going but she still will regardless cause if it's for her and with her partner, it's all worth it. How she was the one who cared for her along with everyone who wasn't scared to, who held and carried her when she needed it? The person who properly spent countless hours by her side, telling her about all the things she wished she could tell her in hopes that maybe, that way, she would get better? To then be told that she was being heard and that even if she thought she couldn't rely on Specter, she still told her that Skadi could regardless of her condition? That even after Under Tides she promised her she would be there when she woke up again and she was, and fuck, Skadi's heart probably leaped out of damn joy to see her back, to see the person she's been caring for so damn long to finally be back, back to her true self. Can you imagine how Specter feels about Skadi? How grateful she is to her for everything she's done? How wonderful their relationship is?

How even if there wasn't much to go off of, Gladiia was always there for her. Even if she was desperately looking for a way to go back home and to stop her mutation she still believed in her beloved Shark? Even when Skadi doubted herself and Specter she still reassured her telling her that her hunter is tougher than this. That she can overcome anything. That even if it wasn't much, Specter still appreciated being able to be hunter under her wing, that she promised her she would try to get better even if it took her a while? How Specter makes Gladiia smile with her just being a little shit something not many can do?

How they just... Complete each other in ways I cannot express because it is so beautiful to see 3 people appreciate each other so much? How Specter in a way, might give them that little hope they need to keep going? That if she can better, so can they?

Just. Just them. Just Skadi. Just Gladiia. Just Specter.

I just love her so fucking much. She's absolutely perfect. She deserved her damn Alter so much.

#normal posts #i'm going mad can you tell #the way I relate to all of them is just so #ahshshshsjsjs #why are you all so perfect #why am I awake thinking about them #I have a goddamn job fare tomorrow and I gotta do all the work myself and stay late to clean up but god #them just them