#i just dont think theyre appealing to casual listeners as much as they COULD

[jinkicake]

BIG MOOD PATHETIC SCARAMOUCHE IS SO FUNNY HES RLY THE LITTLE MEOW MEOW😭 need him to be absolutely obsessed w me but he’s too embarrassed that he wants to hold my hand so he pretends to hate me and im like “ that’s mice sweetheart what di you want for dinner?” Saw someone make a dc where you ignore him for like 5 days and he’s on his knees begging like “PLEASE LOOK AT ME” like thats so real to me😭😭 bc once you’ve given him affection he’s gunna do everything to keep it within his grasp😔 ALSO HE DEF WOULD TIE YOU UP AND LEAVE THE DOOR OPEN💀 childe and singora are so casual about it😭 when he comes back they talk like you’re not even there “how long have they been here?” “I lost count after the fourth hour” “ they’re still conscious I’m impressed” like he’s such an asshole but he will do the 🥺🥺👉🏼👈🏼”can I have a hug” afterwards💀 love that for him. Keeps him in my pocket like a little purse dog, he’s my guard dog boyfriend bc he will kill first and ask questions later. “ I don’t like how he looked at you” “he’s the waiter” AND YOOOO DONT EVEN LET DOTTORE UGLY ASS COME CLOSE TO YOU ITS OVER FR-don’t like his new design he’s just a creep like I was the “clones” back the short haired funny scientist dude like I like them unhinged in a clown way!! He’s fuckable, the abusive leather daddy dom on the other hand😒 like he’s fun if he has a tired annoyed uncle personally like he lives to bully childe. But just going around threatening scaramouche and collei bc I forgot he did experiments on her too in the manga is musty like that mask is lame!! WHERE IS THE CLOWN KING😡- he would reflexively go for his throat like he opens his mouth and suddenly his throat is slit “ my bad I got anxious” SGDHSHS UNDERSTANDABLE😭😭😭 and the streets is saying he’s gunna have a claymore??? BE SERIOUS HES A SCIENTISTS TWINK WHOS HUNCHED IVER IN A LAB ALL DAY HE CANT CARY THAT SHIT?? Like he only experiments on KIDS bc he could never kidnap a whole adult like imagine he tries to get itto?? HIS ASS WOULD BE DEAD IN 10 SECONDS!! HE CANNOT FIGHT DELUSION OR NOT!! I would beat his ASS like if you don’t get your ass out my face looking like an X-ray 😒 like be bothering all them people bc he wants so ass he weights 70 pounds soaking wet so he needs to borrow childes body weight

no exACTLY. listen, i love mean!scaramouche as much as the next person but if he's not obsessed then i dont want him. pathetic!scaramouche is the best scaramouche

i saw this scaralumi fanart of him drunk at a bar and diluc calls lumine to calm scara down and when she answers hes like 'hey ugly' and she hangs up and he starts crying again and ugh it's too perfect like that artist captured his best side with that simple fanart heheh

HAHAH yeah scaramouche is the worst bc he would do something so mean to you like ignore you while working but the second he finds out youre mad at him he'll be begging for your attention like he didn't just starve you for two days.... hes a great yandere me thinks-

Scaramouche = purse dog is the best comparison ive ever read T T

okay hear me out... i can forgive all the heinous crimes dottore has committed but i draw the line at him being UGLY. Maybe if he were cuter I would also be obsessed w him but he's so..... eh- LOL i like the clones better than him! (rip to the clones :-(() but also.... him being ugly is kinda the appeal? am i right??? i can never make up my mind-

dottore is supposed to have a CLAYMORE?! WHAT THE HLLL,,,im very confused about his leaks bc i heard that the shit company can't let characters be playable if theyre evil and tbh i dont want him to be redeemed bc he literally cant be redeemed and hes fun as a psycho like??? idk idk idk im just focused on sexy yelan in 3.4 she will be mine!

also isn't dottore one of the top three strongest in the fatui??? right i think....? i seriously dont know how but tbh i dont care! i just focus on mr hottie soooooooooooo sexy capitano teehee

#sarahandoikawatalkshit

[ungirthed]

want to make a place for my thots of anything with no viewers if i remember to come on here. i cant believe i keep having to make these since i end up getting followers and interacting. but i'm an adult with shit to do irl and things to fight and this fandom is almost 20y old so idt i will do that. lol. just finished atla like 20y too late cos my parents hated me and my bro watching tv growing up. journaling/blogging thots!!! ugh. i wish i didnt hve adhd and dyspraxia lmao gonna split them up so i dont get overwhelmed reading my bullshit. if u stumble upon this it doesnt make sense sry

politically a lot of critique that i have to think about. character and plot wise it was pretty good and tight esp for a kids show. amazing female characters. can't wait for the bi agenda from LoK but i may take a while for that. p much i have to say these are great characters and i could talk a lot about them but i'm shocked at what i took away with regards to the romantic rships from the show and the characterization via it.

re love lines:

i wish kataang was written better in the show (MY opinion if any1 stumbles upon this). i don't ~ship~ zutara bc i am an adult and even back then no cos who cares lol but i see the appeal and am attracted to that. i do think we have to retire the trope of the "both sides but falling in love" not because it isn't possible but because post 10/7 (free palestine) i don't think it's worth it to look at it this way anymore. until someone proves themselves not worthy of death because of the resistance fighting back then they NEED TO PROVE THEMSELVES IMMEDIATELY. no more of this i'm in a concentration camp but he's a nazi bullshit. no more i'm a slave but he's the slave master's son (i mean in this case u could have been related but no1 listens to me!) it's repetitive, reductive, and untrue.

that being said: i just never care about the typical bildungsroman love story. you see the One Person bc i guess the kids tasked with saving the world have to be monk-adjacent (in aang's case quite literally) bc understandably theyre so fucked up lol. but it's always sooooo boring to me esp if it's f/m.

katara is such a complex character and mae whitman brings a wisdom to her voice that can be frustrating to connect with for me but her character arc, her strength, her MIND, her heart, and her fists. i think ppl probs like zutara the most when shes' going batshit and no one can understand aang's perspective. but aang is one of a kind and the cutest smartest sweetest loser ever. not my fav char but i love him. he's like if i had a younger brother and not an older one lmao.

of course they're (kataang) together. they were meant to be from the moment they saw e/o and that stupid cave kiss...this is why you don't wait until 32 to watch this lol.

but nothing surprised me and it was meant to be the way it was written. that's also why i find it understandable but shocking people in the universe and apparently outside of it were surprised at aang's turmoil over ozai. like are you joking? he's a 12 year old vegetarian monk. which: i loved his vegetarianism and obviously he was going to be but very casually they put in a line that hints as to why he would be and why many of us are...so i am dedicated to it again.

so wrt that and zutara...the episode where he's with her with the dude that killed her moms and his support of her i can see why people like them. the cave ep obviously but this show is veryyyyy free with affection i noticed and there's some jealousy but they all get over that pretty quickly. i read some of the comics and i could see different rships happening and i definitely think this world lends to queerness (me personally i love monogamy but a certain type lol so not rly interested in much poly but i do like a throuple) but i could see most being bi+ or having identified as that in the past, or labeling themselves but nto limiting. that's just an aside for meee...

so like katara was being katara. i could see suki and zuko being romantic but also a deep friendship that could be deeply affectionate either affect or physically or both bc that's who these ppl are. katara is a very intense person and that's part of why she can be annoying. that's part of why they ALL can be overwhelming. theyre intense, traumatized, repressed kids and teens with mostly good hearts (or just a person so disconnected from herself but also a fascist so u know. her going nuts lol)

hmm what else oh yea. so i came away with maiko......gjpasig the show was paced and plotted well. i am a libertarian communist (anarcho-commie) so MANNNNN i wish they did better on that front but again i must remember i am 32, ancom, and the world is diff. but anyway lmao so team avatar is who i would want to spend time with but i got so interested in mai and ty lee (mailee...). that beach ep conversation was so good, that whole ep, their argument. it was extremely teenage and showed how fucked up they all are. how confused and fucking lost and pathetic. how small their lives are. how boring....so mai...

[fortheyeoreum]

music video lore has come such a long way. orbits used to analyze the color of the trim on a dress that was shown only in a split-second shot to get some miniscule clue about the origins of kim lip meanwhile sm just spells out the plot of aespa for you

#thats why the loonaverse is so intriguing tho #not to compare every group with lore to loona but they did it the best idc #to casual listeners theyre just cool colorful music videos #but fans can have fun analyzing and talking about their theories #not that aespas lore has to be so secretive or wtvr #it can be more like dreamcatcher in a sense that the plot is very obvious but its not spelled out via the lyrics #where if you were just listening to the song you wouldnt know theres a plotline #instead of the plot being part of the song #i just dont think theyre appealing to casual listeners as much as they COULD #anyway ​this has been my thinkpiece on sm’s handling of aespa #chatter

[neo-shitty]

toffee!

yeah same, i follow some fic accs that occaisionally post smut and its like mmmmm is the fluff writing enough to balance the posts that gives me finger burn trying to scroll past it? but yeah thats probably the way to go

ah i wasnt there for the teaser but i can imagine that was tantalising. lmaoo yes but to be fair i do have a writing acc called channiesbigheart so... balancing it out? but i absolutely am whipped beyond belief. it was a TRAVESTY how COULD they have. yeah the b sides gave him more lines but they werent the ones that were performed over and over at stages. yessss the line distribution in this album is impeccable, im pretty sure the thunderous stuff was some of their best distribution

hehe i can understand that, sometimes putting someone in a situation so horrible it would be considered a violation of human rights is theraputic, ya know? mmmm the differences are a bit nuts, it was 14 degrees today and in less than a week its going to be 32 or smth. BROOO that would be legendary, i bet theyd treat their artists rlly well and have great music as well ahhh but its a lot of work adn commitment. yES that is a mood if ever i heard one.

its the same in australia as well, sadly, you have people who hold up harry styles and lil nas x for breaking gender roles and wearing make up adn steryotypical womens clothing (and keep in mind i have infinite respect for both of them theyre honestly doing so much for the de-dehumanising of gay people and those who wear whatever they want), and calling the kpop boys gay and other things for doing the same thing, when theyve been doing it for years and gotten no recognition smh its so tragic. yes, anyway YES ONLY 6 MONTHS I AM FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES A BBY STAN altho i considered myself a fully fledged stay like 2 days after i got into them cos i just spent all day researching and fixating. YES someone said it. it feels like theyre losing a huge chunk of why a lot of people liked their music in teh first place, which was that whole dna, dope, fire mood. and even doing bright songs is fine, liek they should do what they want but i feel liek the western music industry is so fucking toxic that they feel pressured into making these decisions. dont get me wrong, theyre good decisions from a business perspective, theyre getting record breaking sales but still. mmm yeah honestly yg just needs to get its shit together or get out

oooh! not into nct but i see a lot of him, he seems rlly talented. ahh yes another channie ult lmaoo i feel that, my list is growing in leaps and bounds as well. mmm yeah i think i will, im just going to try to save enough money :) mingi appealed to me mostly for the voice (like felix smh what is it with me and deep voiced bois) but also his soft visuals and the whole cutesy thing he has going on i rlly liked. yes i did get into them while he was on hiatus, but im still mostly a casual stan, ill listen to the album when it comes out but i dont think ill obsessively look over everything to do with it, like skz. HAH WE'RE MORE SIMILAR THAN I THOUGHT. lmaooo the thot line describes them perfectly, why are they all so damn attractive. especially seonghwa, like that man looks like a character from a book, cardan greenbriar vibes anyone? mmhmm! his vocals are absolutely insane. ty! yeah im excited altho idk how theyre every going to beat border:carnival, that shit was impeccable. ahh no stress, enjoy teh groups you stan atm!

ahh thank you so much, ill keep that in mind. hehe thats good! hopefully its soon :( ah ty, it means a lot. ill think abt that and hopefully talk abt it a little more :)

ah, no it was inside our gymnasium but to get to the other side of the stage you had to exit the building, go around the back and then enter through the other stage door. ah tysm! im glad too. mmm same, they baffle me. ;n; noo so sad :( ahh, thats um not smth i put on here, but im in high school so make of that what you will :)

thank you! ive done a majority of them, i just have maths, an english presentation and an economic assignment due now so im pretty much home free. yeah i feel like hes the epitome of here for you while being inescapably far away. haha she sounds like one of my friends. lmaooo why is that me. hmmm i feel like youve answered a lot of them in that answer so maybe just ateez, enha, txt and bp? if you stan them? :)

ahhh no problem at all, proud of you for managing to overcome the procrastination! progress! mmm thats good! ahh pls do let me know if you ever decide that, i cant promise i wont cry but do what you gotta do :)

<3 w.a. 🐺

hi! sorry for the late reply, i didn't know how to construct sentences yesterday e.e

yeah sometimes it's the perfect balance! i personally don't like fics that focus mainly on the filth? the plot has to carry the whole fic somehow and the smut is just something to add to the mix. also, i'll follow you on your writing blog! i keep forgetting to do so, damn it.

"sometimes putting someone in a situation so horrible it would be considered a violation of human rights is theraputic, ya know?" putting it this way just silenced me but yes. angst just feels more realistic. it isn't always happy endings irl so i tend to do it a lot.

falling into skz is so easy! it felt like that for me too. stanning them felt like getting sucked into a blackhole. also yes i agree. kpop is nothing but an industry after all and it runs on money so i get why they do what they do as well.

i suggest we not talk about haechan because i will literally not shut up but yes my boy is an ace :( chan is also sooooo easy to love. and the chan's rooms just solidified his place as ult. having something to look forward to every week at a time when my mental health was just plummeting into the depths of tartarus just helped me be stable. oh yeah, mingi's deep voice is indeed sexc. and he has some wack ass duality as well! and i think seonghwa was one of the people i nearly considered as bias just because of his visuals because wow that's one beautiful face. and true, idk how enha's going to beat border:carnival. i don't like all the tracks simply bc of taste preferenceds but i like more than one so i consider that a lot already.

bro that gym should've had some sort of a covered walk :// also i miss being in high school sO DAMN MUCH. but i still feel like i am because time stopped when quarantine started and i was still in senior year at the time.

my ateez bias is wooyoung! it wasn't that much of a shocker to my kpop stan irls because i was a jimin stan for the longest time. enhypen is jake and they kept pointing out that he looked like seungmin sometimes so it's like chan's aussie-ness with a tinge of seungmin (the other guy in my skz bias line, in case i haven't mentioned it). txt is huening kai! i find it hard to believe that he's my age because he looks a lot younger? o.O and he always looks good damn :(( sigh for blackpink it's lisa! i tend to bias the maknaes of yg groups, it's a pattern i've noticed but don't intentionally do!

DON'T WASTE YOUR TEARS OMFG. you can always reach me elsewhere if i like disappear off this blog.

#toff.asks #wild anon 🐺

[amicicidalgambler]

> Acquire random dokis.

afflatedcazadora

god one highblood lifespan s33ms too much how do yall DEAL

amicicidalgambler

I wouldn't know, I'm not dealing.

A lot of it seems to 8e violence or art, though.Or 8oth.

afflatedcazadora

......much more relatable than im comfortable with LOL

amicicidalgambler

You're not anywhere near as 8ad as what I'm talking a8out.

I have no idea how high8loods on your planet survive, though.

afflatedcazadora

i dunno :OO by being snooty????

eridans younger than me so he cant say

amicicidalgambler

All high8loods are snooty. 8y my account all of yours should 8e 8atshit insane.

afflatedcazadora

i mean he has aggressive tendencies but thats what im here for???

so he can get em out with someone who agr33s to it :00

amicicidalgambler

I killed most of my kismesises so I guess that says something a8out my "aggressive tendencies."

afflatedcazadora

fkgdfkjh vriska n o

amicicidalgambler

Vriska yes.

afflatedcazadora

no!!!!!

amicicidalgambler

It was fuuuuuuuun.

afflatedcazadora

listen you know im ok with casual murder but if you kill your kismesis theres a pawblem with the relationship!!!

amicicidalgambler

Well there isn't a paw8lem anymore if they're dead.

afflatedcazadora

vris k a

amicicidalgambler

And some of them were self defense.

afflatedcazadora

thats diffurent!!

amicicidalgambler

And one of them I'm going to argue was very romantic.

Two of them, actually.

afflatedcazadora

how so????

amicicidalgambler

I mean one of them was killed during a dinner d8.

afflatedcazadora

by you though?????

amicicidalgambler

Yeah.

Got in a fight over her trying to 8etray me.

afflatedcazadora

yikes :((

amicicidalgambler

No, stop that.It was fun.

afflatedcazadora

thats not a healthy pitch date vriska

amicicidalgambler

It doesn't need to 8e healthy to 8e a good one.

afflatedcazadora

...no it really does

amicicidalgambler

Aw come on.

It was *fun*.

afflatedcazadora

its not good!!!

amicicidalgambler

And?

afflatedcazadora

i dont know!! XOO its not my pawsition to tell you what to do about it but im clawncerned!!

amicicidalgambler

Why are you clawncerned?

afflatedcazadora

its not a good pattern to get into

amicicidalgambler

Well that ship has already sailed.

afflatedcazadora

X((

amicicidalgambler

Look, I have two quadm8s right now that I've kept alive for almost half a sweep, that's the 8est I've done since I was six sweeps.

afflatedcazadora

and thats great!!!! just

k33p it that way please??

amicicidalgambler

I definitely won't kill Nadaya, and I don't even know how Mak's mortality works.

As much as he'd pro8a8ly like that to 8e his way of going out when the time comes.

afflatedcazadora

oh my god

amicicidalgambler

He's a clown. Intim8 ritual style murder sounds like something he'd appreci8.

afflatedcazadora

hhhhhh i guess

amicicidalgambler

> That is not something you need to daydream about while talking to Nepeta, stop that.

Alright alright, I'll stop.8ut still, my track record is improving a little.

afflatedcazadora

>V RI S KA

yeah it is!!

amicicidalgambler

If I get a moirail on top of this though that means it's the end of the world.

afflatedcazadora

i dunno getting you one might be good fur you :PP

amicicidalgambler

I haven't had one since I was six sweeps.

afflatedcazadora

and thats ok!!

just sometimes stabby people benefit from someone there to help :pp

amicicidalgambler

I think I've only 8een interested in one person since. And so I've heard.

afflatedcazadora

ooh ooh who is it

amicicidalgambler

::::P

Old flarp partner.

afflatedcazadora

oooooooh?? :33c

amicicidalgambler

She was a purple8lood, part of the church. She thought it was important to the gods to give help and violence in equal measure or whatever, 8ut she was only good at the second one. Since I was one of her main partners while we were part of the same guild, I got a lot of her attempts at the first.

afflatedcazadora

ohhhh boy

amicicidalgambler

She wanted to fuss over people she just didn't know how.

afflatedcazadora

i mean its kind of sw33t but at the same time im not sure another violent purrson would be the best pale match fur you :pp

amicicidalgambler

I don't get along with non-violent people.

afflatedcazadora

wonder why :PP

amicicidalgambler

There aren't even that many of them in the first place.

afflatedcazadora

there are plenty!!

amicicidalgambler

Name three that aren't a Zahhak or a Vantas.

afflatedcazadora

felides mom!!!

um

fuck

amicicidalgambler

Exactly.

afflatedcazadora

listen just beclaws i dont know them doesnt mean theyre not there

amicicidalgambler

That's not who I'd want as a moirail, though.

afflatedcazadora

i guess...

amicicidalgambler

It doesn't even sound that appealing in the first place.

I already get more than enough attention.

afflatedcazadora

yeah?? :33c

amicicidalgambler

Yeah ::::P

afflatedcazadora

shaaaaaare

amicicidalgambler

Share whaaaaaaaat.

afflatedcazadora

who is it

amicicidalgambler

Who's what.

afflatedcazadora

i thought you meant you were getting pale attention and im here fur the gossip!!!!

amicicidalgambler

No, I meant I get more than enough attention from my quadm8s.

afflatedcazadora

oh!!

amicicidalgambler

A moirail as affection8 as Nadaya would 8e way too much, and I don't think one that 8arely sees me is what you had in mind.

afflatedcazadora

mm...

i thought you werent into all the romantic shit tho

:33c

amicicidalgambler

Put that paw 8ack down.

What do you mean?

afflatedcazadora

:33c no

you said he was really affectionate and its supurr adorable

amicicidalgambler

Listen.

afflatedcazadora

oh im all ears

amicicidalgambler

First of all Nadaya is affection8 with almost anyone.

Second of all

afflatedcazadora

second??? :33c

amicicidalgambler

God.

It's so much more than that.

afflatedcazadora

uh huh??

amicicidalgambler

It's also stupid though. You wouldn't want to hear it.

afflatedcazadora

i 33333333% want to hear it

amicicidalgambler

Fiiiiiiiine.

afflatedcazadora

i counted 8 3s fur you and efurrything

amicicidalgambler

Fine!

I just

Eugh

I don't think I've loved anyone else.

Only him.

afflatedcazadora

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh my godthats so cute kJSHfdjhhr

im gonna cry

amicicidalgambler

It's so *much* though.

afflatedcazadora

thats what being in love is all about!!!!! X33

amicicidalgambler

It wasn't even pleasant at first.

afflatedcazadora

ofurwhelming?

amicicidalgambler

Yeah.

Almost painful.

afflatedcazadora

yeahhhh

amicicidalgambler

I'm literally not made for this.

afflatedcazadora

youll be ok!!!

amicicidalgambler

It makes everything too complic8ed.

afflatedcazadora

how come???

amicicidalgambler

Do you really want to hear?

afflatedcazadora

mmhmm!!

amicicidalgambler

> This is...starting to feel slightly gay to you.

I mean. I don't know. I know I love Nadaya and it's not like what I've felt towards anyone else I've had in a quadrant, 8ut I don't know what those feelings are.

afflatedcazadora

you mean youre flipping on him or you dont know what you felt fur anyone else??

amicicidalgambler

The second one.

I don't think of them as not quadm8s 8ut I don't think it's love either.

afflatedcazadora

hmm

that is a tricky one

amicicidalgambler

Or at least that's what I usually think.

afflatedcazadora

i mean if efurryones ok with it then it should be ok

amicicidalgambler

Yeah. 8ut it 8others me.

May8e I'm over thinking it and it is love and Karkat's powers couldn't see everything.

afflatedcazadora

what pawers???

amicicidalgambler

Godtier powers. He can see rel8ionships 8etween people as strings.

I let him use me to practice changing them and he said anything romantic didn't look normal.

afflatedcazadora

thats so fucking cool im like incredibly jealous

but idk you could be right he might not know efurrything!

amicicidalgambler

It's all stupid.

afflatedcazadora

its not!!

amicicidalgambler

It is!!!!!!!!

I can't even decide if I agree with him or not.

afflatedcazadora

its not stupid its your life!!!

afflatedcazadora

and you can take your time, he doesnt get to define anything fur you >:00

amicicidalgambler

My life is generally stupid!

afflatedcazadora

it is NOT

amicicidalgambler

It is!!!!!!!!

afflatedcazadora

>:OO

amicicidalgambler

>::::o

afflatedcazadora

its furry impurrtant!!!

amicicidalgambler

What's furry impurrtant!

afflatedcazadora

your life!!!!!

amicicidalgambler

Well DUH 8ut it's also stupid!

afflatedcazadora

nuh uh!!!!!!

amicicidalgambler

Something can 8e important AND stupid!!!!!!!!

afflatedcazadora

maybe but not this!!!!

amicicidalgambler

It's DUM8 I'm a MUTANT without FEELINGS.

Mutants usually have the feelings department more than covered.

afflatedcazadora

im sorry X(( do you want me to go get nadaya??

amicicidalgambler

No I'm just ram8ling.

Sorry.

I'm not actually upset.

afflatedcazadora

you sure?

amicicidalgambler

Yeah.

I'm not good at self depric8ing jokes. Or honesty.

8ut I'm not upset.

afflatedcazadora

you are good at them this one was just a rare miss XPP

amicicidalgambler

::::P

8ut really, if anything I feel 8etter.

afflatedcazadora

:DD !!

amicicidalgambler

I haven't exactly gotten to talk a8out that.

afflatedcazadora

!

im honored :OO

amicicidalgambler

Pfht8thf8thfhth8.

#ooc #logs.txt #(( uhhhhhh #unhealthy realtionship talk ?? #but no real warnings i dont think

[create-ninety]

Wednesday 20th February, ’19. 10am.

There’s nothing quite like going to a gig at a small venue in a trendy part of town to make you feel like a geriatric.

While I was getting ready for the event, I was wondering if I was going too casual – I was wearing a plain t-shirt with black jeans and an oversized floral blazer. Turns out I should have gone in what I normally wear as pyjamas! There were kids (I say kids, because while there were definitely a few ‘older’ people in the crowd, the majority looked like they were born this side of the century) wearing what I can only describe as their dorky mum’s clothes from the seventies. It was bizarre. Lucie and I stood to the side in a somewhat demure fashion by comparison, me sipping on non-alcoholic beer, and Lucie overheating from a temperature brought on by a nasty cold.

We both agreed that, if we were born when they were, it’s this kind of crowd we probably would have found ourselves in. Perhaps it’s because they were wearing exactly what we were wearing, once upon a time. I can imagine this isn’t a unique experience for people who find themselves looking over their shoulder at the next generation and wonder what the hell is going on.

The show itself was great – the band were amazing. I’ve seen them three times now and each time they’ve got better. The audience loved the performance and it was actually quite inspiring to see people passionate about their art in action. And it was obviously the kind of crowd that didn’t bat an eyelid that I was draped over completely over Lucie, which is always a plus.

When we got home, we lay awake talking about it the performers. I wondered what the process is that gets a person to the point where they feel confident enough to get on stage and perform in front of others. Essentially saying, “I am confident enough that my work is good enough to not only subject you to, but I am compelling enough to perform it in front of others.”

That’s a pretty brave thing, for anyone to do. To be inviting open criticism and to stand up and project vulnerability. I do, genuinely, marvel at musicians and stage actors who have to suspend what can only be described as ‘normal reality’ to sing, move about, and create a large amount of sound – something that in any other situation would be wildly inappropriate and strange. And yet there we all were, gathered around a stage, making noise for individuals who were inhabiting that space of vulnerability. I’ve decided that, for me, it’s actually less about hearing the music of the artists when I see the live show, and more about watching and observing the emotions that they’re going through, as they do it. And you can see it on their faces. The nerves, the little shakes, the awkward chatter between songs when the polished performance of practiced routine is paused.

Lucie pointed out to me that writing a novel isn’t so different to that.

In some ways, perhaps not, but by and large I think there are some key differences.

I think that if you’re a creative person by nature, then creativity has the opportunity to express itself in several key ways: as an actor, a musician, a visual artist, or a writer. Each of those could be called spheres with smaller subsets breaking off (stage actors vs film actors, painters vs photographers, poets vs fiction writers, and so on). I suppose it just depends what vehicle you ultimately are drawn to and prefer as your mode of expression. Because ultimately, the point of anything creative is fundamentally the same: it’s just that, expression. You are expressing something emotive, experiential, a message, something others might relate to. And each of those spheres give you the option to do it, but with completely different methods of execution.

When I was growing up I played with all of the different spheres and I can see them all, now, as different sizes and at varying distances from me. At certain points in my life I’ve actually valued them and explored them in different orders. Some have increased in resolution and texture while others have stayed smaller and smoother.

The smallest of my creative spheres, the one most under-developed and child-like, is visual art. I’m not bad at basic sketching or copying something. And I can stare at a piece of art and try and pull out its meaning. But when I was young, the pleasure I’d get from mixing paint or translating an emotion onto a canvas or something else just wasn’t very high for me. So I didn’t spend time doing it. There were moments where I’d develop a surge in interest (this still happens) – I’d go and buy watercolours and start painting for fun, or I’d be obsessed with sketching raccoons or something. But it’s always fleeting, and ultimately, not really something that I have been able to use as the best means of my expression.

I found a lot of joy in stage acting and performing when I was young, right up to my teenage years. I would include public speaking in this. I found it exciting. I liked playing characters with interesting stories, and I liked to turn different emotions on and off to create scenes with others. I liked finding mirrors of myself in characters, and ‘becoming them’, for a short time, was a small reprieve from myself. But sometimes it was hard to occupy the emotions of a character when my own were trying to take centre stage, so to speak. In my last year of high school when I was arguably involved in the most theatre I’d ever done – I was the lead role in my drama class’ final show, I was in a speech finals competition, I was sitting a speech and drama exam that had multiple theatrical components, I was in our school production, and in an improv team – I was stressed as hell. I realised, ultimately, I didn’t like standing up in front of others to be scrutinised as a version of myself that wasn’t me. I didn’t like that there was a ‘right way’ to act, and a ‘wrong way’. Because, well, there’s a director telling you what to do and how to do it. And so when I left school, I stopped any form of acting. I thought about joining a theatre company but I didn’t. I almost studied Theatre at uni, but I didn’t. It just wasn’t the creative vehicle for expression for me and I dropped it all together. I think, as a result, that acting is now my least valued and explored sphere.

Music, on the other hand, was something I discovered in my late teens. I’d tried piano earlier but didn’t like it, because I was taught classical, which to me was basically mathematics with your fingers. I wasn’t good at translating the written music to something that requires you to be so profoundly dextrous. Years later I would discover tab, and learn the general principles of music accidentally. I realised that chords are the foundation of all music, and that chords translate across all string and wind instruments, including the piano. Once I understood that, and once I was able to master basic dexterity and rhythm, music became the most wonderful tool of expression. I was able to write lyrics, write melodies, and then later on, piece them all together to make a song on my computer. I must have made hundreds. I did struggle to ‘finish’ one, though, and my desire to perform them never became overwhelming enough to take it to the next level. For me, it really was just means to express something. I liked the personal nature of it. I liked the different emotions that could be conveyed through the different sounds and instruments. Sharing the songs with anyone was always a profoundly terrifying experience: the music was an extension of myself, as if I had translated my own identity and ‘suffering’ into sound – and for others to hear it, and to judge it, would be for them to judge me.  And so the music sphere for me has grown large, but it has stayed at the same size for some years now. I pick up the guitar when I’m feeling emotional. Or when I want to put music to a poem. And when I see musicians perform, I see love for the vehicle. I often dream about writing an album to compliment a film. I suppose that now, there is actually the option to actually produce music without having to perform at all – you can do it all digitally. But I don’t think that I love it enough to put it out there. There is so much music available. I don’t think that what I create would be contributing to anything other than my own creative expression. And so, it’s for that reason, while it’s fun to dream, I think – unless I suddenly have unlimited free time and money – that it’s something I’ll never take further than just tinkering around when I fancy.

Writing, for me, is the perfect mode of expression. It’s a completely internal process. With music there is this external component, which I think is ultimately what turns me off about it, but with writing, it can be done completely behind a veil. When it is released into the world, it’s consumed by a reader internally. You are not the work. The work is as separate from you as possible (perhaps in many ways like visual art). This is what appeals to me so deeply. That I get to have a personal, raw, emotive and transformative experience writing something and exploring it in a depth that has so many layers of meaning. And when someone reads it, the work becomes a personal experience for them. You are just a a vehicle for the expression. My physical form, my personal likes and dislikes and expressions, are not relevant to the ideas being put out into the world. And I love this. Writing also carries with it the highest possibility for profound connection: books take a long time to be read, and upon each separate reading, new meaning can be found and uncovered. The same can be said for all the spheres, absolutely – I’ve certainly spent hours listening to the same song and attached various meanings to it, and felt connections to musicians I’ve never met  – but there is something unique about a narrative with a character who goes on a journey. I would argue that in a book you can still experience all five senses, but in an abstract way.

I don’t like the thought of who I am as a person getting in the way of the message. I want to place the art and the ideas at the centre of the experience. When you involve yourself – in a way that musicians and actors have to do – then you become consumable. And that is a scary concept for me. One could argue that the person performing is actually, themselves, part of the art - I would imagine this to be true - but I think this is what differentiates the spheres.

And, more than anything, writing is as automatic and as essential to me as breathing. Or eating. It’s just something that’s part of my day and necessary for normal functioning. For people who master the other spheres, you can see that they have this feeling about their own medium. I saw it on the faces of the performers last night. They live and breathe music. Their instruments are extensions of their identities that they have to exorcise. When I scroll through the Instagram profiles of visual artists, their dedication to the craft is demonstrated through the picture after picture after picture of their creations.

And, finally, I am now – perhaps like the musicians – confident enough to think that my work is good enough. I also think it’s now good enough for others. So yes, maybe I am more like the musicians than I think.

#personal #createninety #journal #feb2019 #february2019 #thoughts #contemplation #writer #author