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#i just can't being like this. i need to love. i can't relapse and escape my issues once again. i just cannot.
winterarmyy · 8 months
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Welcome Home... Soldat? | Part II
That time when Bucky accidentally relapsed into the Winter Soldier.
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Navigation: Part I || Part II* || Part III (end) || Extra
Words: 4.2k++ (of fluff and filth)
Pairing: winter soldier!bucky x female!reader
Warnings: 18+ content, smut, no minors allowed, nsfw, dub con, fingering, pussyjob, thighjob, soldat being manipulative yet maintains to be so loving at the same time, another round of google translated russian, filthy praises, soldat just want to make you feel good, wet & messy everywhere, loud & whiny soldat, and at the end of the day, despite the manipulation, the soldat just want take care of you.
A/N: omfg 1k++ notes from the previous chapter?! i didn't think this would get so much attention that it had, tbh. Like wtf. What did I do to deserve this 😭 Thank you so much for your support! I can't even begin to tell you guys how much joy y'all bring me. So, I decided write more of our soft soldat for all of us cause let's be honest, we need him so bad. It's gonna be 3 part mini series. I hope you enjoy!
Read my other works here: Masterlist
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The darkness in his sight seemed permenant, at least until it transitioned into a dim-litted scenery. He recognized softness of the bed, and the blank white color of the ceiling.
He was in his room.
But, when he realized the emptiness of his bed, it was as if a force jolted through his body, yanking his lying figure into a sitting position. The dead silent was broken by the sound of his gasping breaths, followed closely by the beats of his pounding heart.
"Родная (darling)?" His voice shivered in his shaky breath.
When the silent replied his call, cold sweat drenched the roots of his hair. He almost jumped into a defensive position when the door of the walk-in wardrobe seemingly opened on its own.
But to his relief, her voice broke the silence, "Soldat?" Y/N peeped out her head when she heard his voice but the moment she saw the panic in his blue eyes, she quickly made her way towards him.
As soon as she was standing near enough, the soldat pulled her into a crushing hug, rubbing his face into her stomach a relief washed over him. Y/N ran her hands through his hair as she coaxed, "I'm here, I'm here."
He hummed in reply, "You're here." He repeated as a sigh escaped his lips.
Y/N didn't know why she expected that Bucky would be back after their "sleepover" but it was a shock for her when she woke up that morning with several tender kisses on her face by the soldat, who was very much still present.
"So, you're saying he's is not the winter soldier?" Sam cocked his head to the side as he tried to wrap up the overwhelming information thrown by Shuri.
The woman rolled her eyes, "No, I didn't say that. I said, he is not fully relapsed into the winter soldier." She reclarified.
"How was this possible? I thought he was gone?" Y/N asked as her worried gaze glanced over Bucky's unmoving figure in the examination pod.
Shuri sighed as she approached her, they watched Bucky's peaceful features resting through the glass, "We only remove the trigger that were attached to a switch to activating the winter soldier from Bucky; the soldat was never gone."
Y/N's eyebrows creased as the wakandan continued to explain, "It's like removing the toggle from a light switch; you can't turn it on just like that. But if, let say we use a toothpick to poke through the hole and trigger the switch, then..."
Steve intercepted her words before she could finish, "...then it'll be turned on." The woman nodded, "Precisely."
"That does not explain why Bucky is partially... not himself." Tony quickly probed as he casually threw a red M&M's into his mouth.
Steve paced back and forth in the room as he tried to replay the day of the incident, "Maybe it has to do something in that Hydra base that we raided. Bucky did look troubled on the jet home, then when we arrived he suddenly went berserk, looking for something; well... someone". He stopped as he threw a knowing look to Y/N.
"Yeah, why he is suddenly acting lovey dovey with y/n if the soldier was triggered? I don't get it." Sam crossed his arms against his chest as he questioned.
A smile almost cracked on Shuri's lips when they mentioned that, "This is just a hypothesis; but I reckoned that Bucky knew that the soldier is slowly taking over his mind and he didn't want to let himself vulnerable, exposed for people to give him orders."
Shuri leaned her back towards the table as she continued, "So instead, he latched himself on something else, to act as his mission. Some kind of desire that's buried as deep as where his winter soldier persona was concealed."
"So, you're saying that grumpy old man's deepest, darkest desire is to suffocate y/n with kisses and cuddles?" Tony quirked his eyebrow as he chewed on the sweet chocolate snack; there was certainly sarcasm in his voice.
Y/N intictively took the nearest object within her reach, which turns out to be a thick manual book, and struck Tony on his arms. The man repulsed with a confused frown on his forehead, mouthing a soundless, "What?"
Y/N mouthed back, "Shut up!" while Sam chuckled amusingly at the silent banter between them.
Ignoring the back and forth between Y/N and Tony, Shuri answered, "Well, those urges are derived by a certain key emotion, which I'm sure put you that genius title of yours into a good use, then you should've known the answer already."
"Love." Steve's revelation cuts through before Tony could throw his banter at Shuri, "He loves y/n." He repeated his words as if all of this made absolute sense.
Which only made Y/N stop on her tracks, "He loves me?" she questioned herself but everyone in the lab can practically see the confusion on her face.
Shuri agreed to Steve's deduction, "Yes, perhaps. I supposed that is why he is protective over her and like he said, wanted to suffocate her with kisses and cuddles." Shuri pointed at Tony as she return his sarcasm.
"Wait wait wait." Y/N held her hands forward as she stepped in the middle of the conversation, "Why are we casually agreeing to that as if it's normal? I mean, I know I'm not a genius but that is absolutely ridiculous. Bucky doesn't love me, as a friend maybe, yeah, but not like that." She couldn't help but to blush as she recalled the way the soldat hands and lips mapped on her skin.
"Yes, you are absolutely not a genius, especially when you are one of the two idiots who's in love with each other." Tony casually laid out the fact as everybody in the lab nodded in agreement, including Steve who she thought would back her up.
Y/N shook her head in denial and revert the conversation back to its original destination, "So, how do we get Bucky back?"
Shuri opened the terminal screen as she watched the progress of her observation, "Well, we're still figuring that out." Y/N's shoulders slumped in defeat.
"But what I can say is, it is best to let him stick with y/n for now." Shuri concluded.
They took the whole day running tests on the soldat, which he obediently cooperate as long as Y/N was there to hold his hand.
Between resting for breakfast, lunch and snack break; the soldat spend his time to be forced to put to sleep and out of it through out the day.
Right after dinner, and the final test run, he was just left to sleep off the rest of the night and Y/N finally had time to prep herself to sleep, when she heard Bucky's voice from the bed.
"Just finished showering. Hope you don't mind me wearing your shirt, they kinda lock me in here." Y/N frowned when she thought back on how the team managed to bring most of her things over but then forgot to pack her signature iron man pyjamas.
A fond smile curved on the soldat's lips as his gaze raked over her small body wrapped in his baggy shirt, which fell right at the middle of her naked thighs.
Y/N swore that there saw a flash of Bucky in his gleaming eyes. Or maybe she was just being delusional at this point.
She let him pulled her by the hand as he slowly brought her towards him. In no time, he had them both on the comfy matteress with soldat's back propped up against the headboard, while his arms found their place around Y/N's waist, cocooning her in between his legs.
It amazes her to think how comfortable she was, being this intimately close to him; when Bucky would've been too cautious to even approach her platonically.
So she decided rather than being constantly hesitant around the soldat, she thought that she might as well just enjoy the moment as it presented itself.
Y/N's exploring eyes stopped to the side of the bed when she saw a book next to the night lamp. She reached her hand as she leaned closer.
"Prince Caspian." She whispered to herself as her fingertips grazed across the title, "The Chronicles of Narnia, huh?"
It makes sense that Bucky would be interested to read this series, knowing his quirky yet undying brag about having the experience of reading The Hobbit back when it first came out.
Y/N couldn't help but to smile to herself, especially when her train of thoughts stopped at those memories of him.
She lifted the book towards the soldat, "What do you think, Soldat? Want me to read it to you?" She asked as the soldat rested his chin on her shoulder, peering at the deep blue, hard covered book.
He briefly hummed before replying, "Yes, please." The soldat loved the idea of being able to hear more of his darling's beautiful voice. It was his favourite thing in the whole world. Well, one of the things but surely all them were involving her.
Y/N settled herself as she leaned back against his sturdy chest. One of her legs were bent up towards her chest while the other was lazily thrown over his, spreading them as far as they could go.
The soldat placed light kisses on the back of her head all the way to the side of her neck, relishing at how soft her skin was and how good she smelled. The quiet of the room only enhanced the presence of her calming voice, luring him to close his eyes as he drowned himself the melody of it.
Minutes gone by and it was passing the half hour mark.
It wasn't that the soldat find the story boring or her voice drowsying, but he was feeling rather needy, almost greedy, to have more of Y/N to the point that he got slightly distracted.
She had been such a darling to him ever since he came home; fed him, letting him touch her, kiss her, pamper her, held her hand during those long lab tests, having her in his arms through the night and against his nightmare, and making him feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside.
And yet, she didn't get anything in return.
His darling deserved to feel good and he wanted to give it to her so badly that he was getting distracted from the story that she was passionately reading for him.
Soldat's hands carefully explored her body, from the side of her waist then slowly down to her naked thighs. Too engrossed with the plot, she almost instinctively opened her legs wider for him. Though she never intended to do so, her actions surely were quite sinful.
He used the opportunity to glide his metal hand deeper into her inner thighs, lightly caressing up higher towards where her thighs meet, until the tip of it brushed over her core.
Now that's when she realized the situation, her head shoot up to face him. The book in her hand almost thrown to the side as she reached to grab his, gripping it tightly as she tried to pull him away.
Failing to stop him, she whispered "W-what are you doing?" She stuttered as she felt his fingers slide across her clothed pussy.
Soldat looked down at the smaller, "Wanna make you feel good, мое Родная (my darling)" he innocently whispered back as his dangerous fingers provoked her.
When her silence remained, the soldat lifted the corner of his eyebrow in curiosity. Was she hesitating? He sees it as an opportunity to coax her to his will.
He cooed softly when he explained, "You deserve it, darling. Deserve it so much. Please, let me?" He sounded so desperate when he begs like that.
It feels like her whole body was burning, his touch were igniting flames wherever he drags his fingers. She knew it was wrong to feel like this, but she couldn't help it.
Oh, how his fingers works wonders even with the thin fabric were blocking his access.
Y/N bit her lower lip as she looked down to her thighs. The way she was grabbing onto his hands as he moved around; it looked like she was guiding him to touch her more.
The soldat knew she was close to be tempted to submit, "I promise it'll feel good. So good." he almost growled in her ears as he saw patch of the dampness started to appear on the center her panties.
"Don't." she whispered quietly, but that only made the soldat to futher seduce her as he add more pressure on his middle finger.
She hesitated for a while before she slurred "D-don't stop." her head thrown back into his neck, finally giving in to his promise of pleasure.
Lust took over the soldat, "Gonna make you feel so good, Родная (darling). Promise gonna treat your pretty pussy right. Make her cum so hard." He whispered lovingly as his breath sends shivers down her spine.
The soldat groaned, dropping his head to her neck to press open mouthed kisses on her untainted skin as he slipped his hand into her panties.
"Already wet for me?" He chuckled, biting his lip before his long finger slid between her folds.
"Hmmm." she tried to suppressed her voice as his finger moved up and down so deliciously.
"Of course," He said with a smile. He went on to tease her sensitive clit with slow, torturous circles, which force her to close her eyes, biting down on her lip to suppress a shrill moan.
"Родная (darling)," the soldat cooed. "You can scream as loud as you want. Let me hear those pretty noises, yeah?"
Y/N thought to reply but her own breath hitches when that one finger that has been circling her hole finally dips in, proceeding to spread her open for more.
She moaned louder this time, "Soldat..." The movement was completely involuntary; when her hand latch on to hold his wrist as her thighs try to squeeze shut at the feeling of him pressing another finger into her wet stretching cunt.
But, of course he was quick to spread her legs back open, preventing her to shy away.
"p-please soldat, ahh." She mewled, scratching the metal of his arm.
The soldat nibbled on the shape of her ears as he hushed, "There, there darling. Open up for me." His two long, metal fingers thrusts and rubs the inside of her pulsating pussy, occasionally scissoring her cunt as he took her right hand into his fleshed one; intertwining her fingers with his.
Her other hand scrambled to dug into his thigh as she arched her back, grinding her hips down against his metal hand. The soldat smirked proudly at her reaction, moving his fingers a little faster, a little rougher. Just enough to make her whine and move against him in search of more stimulation.
She cried out as his thumb circled her clit, "Ahhh fuck" she moaned shamelessly, while his eyes followed each jerk of her body as if he was memorizing it all.
"Hmm, you're so wet, Родная (darling). So warm too." The soldat hissed as he felt his hand were soaking by the minute. The muffled sound of his thrusts against her wet heat filled the room.
He looked down to her hidden pussy; his hand covered by the panties she was wearing, "Look down baby, open your eyes and look down." he lured her with low groan.
Completely loss in bliss, she complied without asking any question. Both the soldat and Y/N was looking at the same sight, the same shape of his hand clinging tight to the fabric, barely hidden under the thin layer of her panties, moving up and down; in and out of her pussy.
Somehow, watching the way it moves made her closer to her orgasm.
In one swift move, the soldat lifted her slightly to pull the barrier off by the waistband. An animalistic groan rumbled from deep within his chest, when he was completely revealed to the sinful sight of her naked pussy.
So wet and full with his fingers.
The soldat teasingly entered a third finger into her, stretching her out so good that she felt tears prick her eyes. Y/N's head snapped forward along with a buck of her hips. "S-soldat,, ahhhh" Her whines grew louder than before and she felt the flame in her stomach growing yet it wasn’t enough.
"Look at you. Look how well you're taking me. My darling is such a good girl, isn't she?" The soldat sounds sickeningly sweet when he murmured in her ears.
He pressed his thumb harder against her swollen clit, rubbing hard and fast circles as he pumped his fingers knuckle deep in and out of her cunt, causing her to gasp from the sensation.
He twisted and curled his fingers around to find that delicious spot inside of her, giving that delicious friction as he fucked her open. The noises coming from her pussy were so lewd, so crude and it only spurred him on.
"Sounds so perfect, Родная (darling). These pretty noises from your lips up here." The soldat murmured as he kissed the corner of her lips, "and down here." his fingers pumped faster, curling over and over again, creating the lewd squelching sounds of her juices leaking out.
Almost seeing stars, Y/N moaned desperately, "Cummin',, so good, 'm cumming." Oh, how sweet does her moans sounded in the soldat's ears.
"Already, Родная (darling)?" he groaned as he felt her hole pulsated, "But you need more, little one." He persuaded her edge a little more; but with the way he was fucking into her weeping pussy, she certainly wasn't able handle it anymore.
She whined needily as she shook her head, "Wanna cum now, please soldat ohh god please please please." She begged deliriously.
The soldat hummed as he worked his fingers up her hole, "Oh darling, you don't need to beg for it. You're so precious, I'd give you anything." He mumbled against her cheek as he kisses her, "Now, cum for me. Let me see you wet my bed, Родная (darling). Go on, cum."
All words die in the back of her throat when a he cooed at her. She threw her head back as a squeak of whine dies in her mouth; eyes squeezing shut, her body tensing as the soldat makes sure that she rides out the high for as long as she should.
"That's it darling, cum for your soldat. give it to me,, aahhh" He motioned, forming an 'O' with his mouth as she clamp down on his fingers; with his wide eyes looking down at her exposed pussy. Her orgasm gushed and flowed out onto his hand, dripping on the sheet as she quietly cry out in pleasure.
"So pretty," he praised, as his fingers kept pumping slowly in and out of her pussy, "So gorgeous, cumming so hard for me," he grunts in her ears as her high begins to settle.
He pull out his fingers, leaving her feeling empty for the sudden lost of touch. But that didn't last long when he proposed something else.
"One more time Родная (darling), with me." He moaned he sunk his metal hand into his pants and pull out his aching cock. The soldat tugs himself in his palm, rubbing the wetness on his hand around his length before settling it between her throbbing cunt.
Y/N didn't manage to let our her protest when he intercepted her, "Won't put it in, darling. Just..." his words linger as he squeezed her plush thighs together, engulfing his warm cock between them, "...wanna snuggle in between your thighs, Куколка (little one)."
"So keep them pressed together, okay?" the brunnete coaxed as his hands took a hold on her,  "Will you do that for me?" The soldat asked sweetly.
She gave a small nod of affirmation, looking down at where the soldat's hands squishing both side of her thighs. The feeling of his length throbbing, wet with her slick, had her squeezing her thighs together more.
"That's my sweet girl. Promise you, it'll feel so good, darling." He let out a pleasurable groan as his hips jerked all the way forward, his skin meeting the back of her thighs while the head of his cock was peeking out from the other side.
With a squeeze of her hips in his hands, that will definitely leave bruises afterwards, he started to grind her into him. Back and forth, for the few experimental thrusts. And the moment her pretty little moans started to spill, he knew she needed more.
"More?" he moaned lowly, rocking his hips mindlessly.
Y/N limped back against his chest, whimpering sweetly for him as her needy little cunt drools messily all over her thighs and his cock; effortlessly making the thrust of his length between her thighs even easier.
If she was already so sensitve from him fingers before, now it's just oversimulating for her, "Hmm,, s-soldat,, that feels s-so good," she slurred, eyes rolling back.
"Yeah?" he gloated as he grunts, "Are you gonna cum again, darling? Come on, sweet one, I want to feel it." The soldat almost whimpered as he felt the thudding beat of her cunt on the stroke of his cock.
Y/N simply nodded, mouth falling open. His cock works over her sweet little pussy, nudging the sensitive bundle of nerve as he urged her to orgasm alongside his own.
He watched the way she drag her nails into the flesh of his thighs, "There she is, come on. Let it out, darling. That's it. Hmmm." His chest rumbled a deep groan. It was such a turned on for the soldat, to see the sight of him humping her legs faster until her slick finally wetting her thighs and his cock, making a mess everywhere.
Even if she has reached her high, his thrusts didn't flatter as his own orgasm was still at the edge. "Ahh,, darling,, please-- c-can't stop,," The upperside of his cock harshly rubbed between her sloppy folds, the feeling of the creamy mess between her thighs, making him fucked her faster.
The soldat whined needily into her neck as he drag her tightness back and forth. "So good, don't wanna stop." he squirmed as his voice hitched into a needy whimper, letting his head fall back to the headboard, his disheveled hair hanging by his face, some of it sticking onto his sweaty skin.
The room echoed with the several sinful sounds; his whimpers, her mewls, their skins slapping, the bed creaking, the wetness squelching.
It was such a dream for the soldat, especially when her folds spread around his fat cock every time he rolled his hips forward. The sight was beyond compelling, addictive to a certain extend.
"S-soldat,, please i'm,,hmmm,, sensitive." She can feel how thighs burned from the friction, and her slit abused with pleasure.
The soldat leaned into her until his hot breath blew across her neck, "Just a little more, Родная (darling)? Please? Wanna cum around your soft thighs, between your pretty pussy. You'll let me, right sweet one? You'll let me make a mess all over you? Paint you with my cum. You'll look so gorgeous, Родная (darling)"
His filthy thoughts started to spill out uncontrollably, as his body trembled in pure pleasure. His heaving chest rested on her small back when he whimpered, almost forcing her on her knees, pushing her down the mattress.
He wanted that so bad.
Just fuck her thighs and folds while she's on all fours, abusing her body for his pleasure and maybe slot the tip of his cock inside that tight cunt just before he cum, give that greedy little cunt a taste of his load, but he rather than that the soldat hold back on his thought, because truthfully he very much wanted to make a mess all over her right now.
His mouth sucking on her neck, leaving another one of his mark on her skin; one of many between those shades of purples and reds.
"Cumming for you, darling." He moaned loudly, eyes locked between her thighs, as his leaking cockhead occasionally peeks out. "Have so much cum for you,, gonna cream all over these thighs" He groaned, clenching his teeth as his cock throbs.
She clenched tighter as a unexpected orgasm were coming fast, letting out a desperate squeal as she reach her high. He growled at the feeling of her gushing pussy, fucking their orgasm into a higher level ecstacy.
The rolls of his hips were flattering into a slower and and sensual tempo, as both of them watched his cock; the way it pulsed and throbbed wildly, before white spurts of his hot cum started gushing from the little slit.
The soldat trembled through his orgasm, mouth falling open as he moaned lewdly at the sight of her skin being painted by his seemingly endless amount of cum.
Y/N panted heavily as her lips hanged open; failed words just at the tips of her tongue, unable to be formed properly. It didn't take long for the drowsiness to cloud her eyes, caused by the aftershock of the pleasure.
"There, there." The soldat cooed breathlessly in her ear, "So pretty, darling." Pampering the mark on her skin with gentle kisses, "So good for me." He mumbled as he languidly thrusts his cock, stroking the sides of her thighs, memorizing the sight of their wet mess.
Her body felt so good and satisfied, and the lid of her eyes slowly flutter into a longer close. She didn't hear much of his praises as he as laid her down, especially when his voice going in and out of her ears, as she was fighting through the temptation of slumber.
But, her body absolutely remembered how soft his touches on her skin, and the warm of the wet cloth swiping on the burn of her inner thighs, carefully over her swollen cunt.
"Love you, my precious darling." She couldn't make up what he was whispering under his breath. But she remembered the soldat pulling her close to his chest as he laid her on top of him, and the sweet kiss on her forehead before complete darkness engulf her sight.
"Your soldat loves you so much."
<< Part I || Part III >>
Read my other works here: Masterlist
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hardsouldreamer · 1 month
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Father Figure
Pairing: Familyfriend!Fatherfigure!Louis x Young!yn
Warnings: Sh! relapse, mentions of past sh, my horrid writing skills :) Pls let me know if I have missed anything
Requested :)
Y/F/N = Your favourite show
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Readers pov:
I had been clean for a year now. Key word 'Had'. I relapsed last night. The pain had gotten too much. The need to do it got too much. I feel guilty, but it's like a drug addiction. Like I can't stop no matter how much I want to, you know? I have this app. It keeps track of my self-harm. Every time I relapse, I have to reset it back to zero. I feel so bad because I had been so proud of myself. I can't keep doing this. I have to reach out for help because I don't want it to get to the point where I think of suicide. The self-harm is just to help with the inside pain. I don't wanna die, I just don't want the inside pain.
I break out of my train of thought when my mum shouts up the stairs. "Louis is here!" She calls, and I get up quickly, throwing on my jumper to cover the fresh cuts that littered my arms. I grab my overnight bag and head downstairs. "It's like a thousand degrees love, aren't you going to get hot with that on?" He asks as I reach the last step. "Yeah, I'll be fine." I smile politely at him, and he gives me a sceptical look but drops the subject. You see he had been there the first time. He knew to look out for the signs, and, of course, I had to relapse the night before I spent the weekend with Louis. He is a close family friend, and every other weekend, I stay at his, so my mum doesn't give to worry about me being alone for two days while she goes to work. Normally, I would stay at my Dad's place, but he passed away two years ago, so Louis looks after me while mum works.
We make our way to the car, and Louis offers to put my bag in the back of his car. I hand it to him happily and get in the passenger seat. A few minutes later, Louis gets in and starts the car.
20 minutes later, we get to his place. The quiet relaxation of the weekend, beginning the second we step into the house. "Before you go running off," Louis starts. "Show me your arms." He finishes, and a look of shock flashes over my features. I sigh and look around for escape. Even though there isn't much point, I sprint for the stares to get to the safety of the bathroom, the only room in this house that has a lock on the door. I make it to the upstairs hallway when I feel his arms around my waist and my feet no longer touching the ground. "Really?" He asks slight annoyance in his tone as he carries me to the bathroom and locks the door behind him. "Show me your wrists, y/n." His tone stern and demanding there's no point putting up a fight with him he'll only win. Slowly, I roll my sleeves up to reveal the fresh marks on my skin along with the scars from before. "I'm sorry Lou, it's just it got too much." You apologised, and Louis's eyes softened as he pulled you into a much needed hug. Tears stung your eyes as you relaxed in his hold. "I'm so sorry," You apologised again he remained silent as you continued to apologise and cry into his chest. "Hey, shhh, calm down, love." Louis softly whispered in my ear after about five or ten minutes of my constant sobs and apologies. "You are so strong, love, and this relapse was bound to happen at some point, darling, but look how far you've come already." He tightened his arms around me, giving me a squeeze as he finished his little speech. The look in his eyes was a mix of hurt and pride, like he was proud of me for getting through twelve months without it, but also sad that I relapsed and went back to square one after getting so far. "I'm sorry," I whispered out, and he just shook his head slightly and cupped my cheeks to make me look up at him. "Don't apologise, love." He gently tells me, and I nod unsure of what to say next."Let me clean these new cuts, and then we can binge watch that TV show you like." He says as he steps away from me to reach into a cabinet where a small med kit was kept. "Cmere darling." He instructs, reaching his hand out towards me. Reluctantly, I step towards his hand and reach for it. Once my smaller hands in his, he pulled me towards him and them picked me up, placing me on the countertop.
[Property of hardsouldreamer]
He dabs starts to rub the disinfectant on my cuts, and I try to pull my arm away from him to try to get away from him. "Enough love, I gotta clean them." He tells me, and I ignore him, my mind only focusing on the unbearable burning sensation on my arm. He rolls his eyes and roughly grabs my hand and pulls it towards him with a tight grip. Tears fall from my eyes, and I cry like a child crying over a graze. "Stop it hurts." I try to beg, but it's only met with deaf ears as he continues to clean my cuts. I frantically start to pull my arm away from his grip, but it's futile against his grip. "Done." He let's go, and I retract my arm from him and cry. "I'm sorry, love." He apologises and takes me in his arms, comforting me.
After a while, Louis steps away to help me down from my perch. "You wanna get changed into your pj's before we start the show?" He asks. I nod, not feeling very talkative. "I'll be downstairs, alright?" He checks, and I respond with a half-hearted nod.
Once I've put my pj's on, I make my way downstairs and see him in the kitchen, so I head to the couch and curl up by the corner waiting for him. "Darling?" He asks, and I look at him with tired eyes, and he gives me a sympathetic smile and aces the snacks on the coffee table. "Cmere Love." He says and opens his arms for me. Almost immediately, I cuddle up to him and rest my head on his chest. The sound of his heart beat making my eye lids heavy. The sound of Y/f/s enters my ears.
A few episodes in I feel my eyes close, and I drift off to sleep cuddled in Louis's arms.
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hauntedadagium · 7 months
Text
At 27 I lost a grandmother.
At 28 I lost a grandmother.
At 29 I lost my dad.
He was 60.
I lost a part of myself along with him, y'know. A person that should have been with us for another 30 years. Lived to see grandchildren. Basked in the love of all the people he touched.
I've never known someone with the light he had. The enthusiasm, excitement, humour, sincerity. He had it all.
I have my mom. But it's not the same. She's not the same. Not even when he was alive. She never took an interest in my sister or I once we moved out. I love her, she's my mom, but I feel like I lost the parent that actually parented me. The last remaining figure who really cared for me. Someone I grew up with. Who raised me. Who encouraged me and supported me when nobody else did. Who believed in me.
Now the only reason I see her is if she needs something from me.
I saw my dad almost every day, or every other day, for ten years after I left home. We laughed together. Learned together. The family was better together.
Now we've fallen apart.
In January, one of my best friends lost her mom. She's 30.
Today, one of my best friends told me her mom's dying. She's 30.
I faced a lot of feelings when I cried in her arms today. We both did. Something that can't be shared by people who just don't get it. I was fortunate to have a parent who loved and raised me like my dad did. But losing him?
The old me died too.
Death has become an inasive feature of my life and I can't escape it.
Since 2019 there has been a string of traumatic events that have moulded me into someone I don't like anymore.
I fought my eating disorder for ten years, and now I'm recovered/in recovery, I hate it. Like the last piece of control I had over my life disintergrated. I hate being weight restored. I hate being healthy. I hate the way I look. I hate not having control, and it's making me want to relapse.
I'm tired, y'know. Tired of hating myself. Tired of letting go of people I care about. Tired that I let go the one thing I could control.
Everything triggers me. People online. Friends. Strangers in the street. And I get sick to my stomach, like I can't be good enough, valuable enough, worthy enough if I'm not like them.
I'm not likeable. I'm not attractive. I'm not a good friend.
I'm a burden. I'm useless. I'm ugly.
My heart is just... dust.
The motivation to be the best I can be, to make the most of my life, to face my trauma head on... the motivation to live.
It's gone.
I'm ungrateful. I've been given a body, a chance at life. I'm not supposed to care what I look like. I should care about who I am.
But I don't even like that anymore.
Grief has become a shadow that looms constantly. It's dark. It's lonely. It's heavy. It's inevitable. Something that cannot be erased.
I wish I could properly express the sheer weight, the soul-destroying, gut-wrenching, knife in your chest pain that comes with this.
But I just express it with silence. Like you're expected to, y'know.
People forget.
People have already forgotten.
About him. About me. About grief.
Oh how lovely it would be...
to forget.
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unstatedmartini · 2 years
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‘…anyway, setting aside the purely bad faith misreadings...i have some thoughts. i do think it's likely that some viewers' expectations were shaped by a really ugly history of punishment-driven addiction narratives, leading to the idea that people in recovery owe their loved ones the most awful and painful and humiliating details of their addiction and if they're not ready and willing to share those on demand then they're not really committed to their recovery and if we as the audience don't see them utterly laid bare then they're probably hiding something’
OMG THIS is exactly what I was trying to explain to myself about why some fans took this route with the episode but I just didn’t know what to call it!
They think because Tk isn’t being completely open about how he feels with Carlos, that means he’s not as committed or he’s a bad boyfriend. And it’s like NO, Tk knows full well that Carlos probably doesn’t really want to know all the dark horrible thoughts he has on a regular basis - that’s what Tk’s sponsor is for. Their relationship would actually be more unbalanced if Carlos knew exactly what Tk was thinking or feeling all the time because then Carlos will just be worrying and freaking out and will probably be on edge all the time. It would put a lot of stress and worry in their relationship. Tk doesn’t want that to be his relationship with Carlos and he doesn’t want their home to be that environment. Hence why Tk needs a sponsor to discuss those types of thoughts and feelings with. Tk really is trying to stay alive at this point and he really needs a place where he feels light, more relaxed and more comfortable and I suppose more ‘normal’. That’s Carlos, their relationship and their home.
anon, you're absolutely right, 100% cosigned
and i think this is such an insightful point: "Their relationship would actually be more unbalanced if Carlos knew exactly what Tk was thinking or feeling all the time because then Carlos will just be worrying and freaking out and will probably be on edge all the time. It would put a lot of stress and worry in their relationship."
i think that's especially true because we know that tk relapsing, especially when he's spiraling in the aftermath of trauma or loss, is very likely to be catastrophic. that's true for tk even though it isn't true for every former/recovering addict, because addicts are people with their own unique experiences. for instance, i think we can meaningfully compare tk's history of addiction to bobby's on OG. because of what we've seen, if bobby relapsed we as an audience don't have a reason to suspect that he would immediately be in critical, life-threatening danger
whereas with tk, we have every reason to suspect he would. the show literally begins with him overdosing in the aftermath of a breakup, he's reckless with his life through early S1 to the point that carlos identifies his behavior as suicidal, in 2x08 we see how gwyn immediately fears the worst, in 3x08 we see that he was circling the drain in 2017 and in current day not only does he try to steal enough fentanyl to kill a horse he tells his dad that he meant to get so high that nothing else mattered. with tk's history there's one obvious answer as to how high he'd have to get for gwyn's death not to matter
and tk always telling carlos that kind of thing - that he's so desperate to escape the pain inside his own mind that he doesn't care if he dies trying, that nothing in the world including carlos himself and how devastated he would be if tk died seems like enough to outweigh the need he's feeling, and that sometimes those urges come on so quickly and strongly that he can go from seemingly fine to relapsing/overdosing in a matter of hours - would be absolutely terrifying for carlos. there's no way it couldn't be. and there's no way it wouldn't constantly dominate his thoughts and drive him to do everything he could to keep tk from feeling like that.
but the whole point is that carlos can't do anything to keep tk from feeling like that. and he can't be his 24-7 babysitter and it would be the end of their relationship if he tried. it's just not something that even the most dedicated and loving control freak can fix. so it's exactly as you said: that truly would be an unbalanced relationship. that would be an unequal burden of fear and loneliness that tk couldn't even begin to help carlos carry.
which is why tk needs and deserves the support of people who he can turn to without worrying about the toll these dark thoughts will take on them. and to be clear: he deserves that completely, all on his own, as an individual person totally separate from carlos
but obviously he also wants be the best possible partner to carlos, and yes, sometimes that does mean shielding him from the worst, most self-destructive, frightening thoughts and impulses tk might have. having other people he can discuss those things with as part of his recovery allows his relationship with carlos to continue to be a source of support, strength, and peace for both of them
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euphoricmind · 11 months
Text
Journal Entry #1.
May 6, 2023.
Today, I'm feeling a bit nostalgic and I'm having some realizations. It's been about 4 years since I broke up with my ex, but why does it suddenly feel like it's just fresh all over again? People would laugh at me for this but honestly this is how I currently feel.
This is so weird and crazy and anyone who would find out about this—especially him that I'm having relapses and reminiscing our relationship in the past, he would probably get SO weirded out (as if he doesn't think I'm crazy enough lol).
I'm going to try my best to explain what I feel as easy as possible because my thoughts and feelings are literally all over the place right now or maybe this is just because of the zodiac thing about eclipse? or maybe because I'm almost having my period which is supposedly tomorrow. I don't know. Tears started going down by the way as I am typing this right at this moment.
I feel like it's because I'm longing for a relationship right now that I just want to be loved and held and protected but at the same time I show everyone that I am independent, that I can take care of myself. I so got used to being on my own, even before I met my ex, with all the family issues I had, being the panganay, I was built to be strong enough to be alone because no one else would carry the baggage I have in me but myself.
Not that I don't have my family's support, especially my sister who's been my rock and armour, but being alone just gives me peace and that's something I need to work on but God forbid, I don't know how to break my walls down. Hell, I can't even let new people in immediately even just as friends.
I miss him. I miss everything about him but maybe not? Maybe I am mistaking this as him, as a person.. but what I miss is definitely the feeling of being loved romantically. Being seen as a woman, as a woman a man would do anything for. Being seen as their partner, someone that I can be myself with, could be my escape from all the misery I got. It's getting bad again.
I thought I was good alone, well yes I am. But I need that someone, I want someone. But can I take it? Can I handle being hurt again? Because the last time I had a boyfriend, I didn't take the break up in a good way. I was so broken, I almost wasted my life for a boy who didn't want me anymore. I'm so scared to go back to that shithole, but I know right now, I already know better.
But do I, really? I'll never know unless I get into another one, for real this time.
When I saw our pictures and videos together after years of ignoring it, it got me thinking, "I already had all the things I wished for, I had it with him. I wasted it" that was what I thought regardless of the fact that he cheated on me. I became a junkee after our break up but man, that was on me. I'm done with that though, never going back.
But hey, he was the only guy who made me feel like I was worthy of being loved. He was so obsessed with me throughout our relationship and I realized that we weren't on the same level of effort. At least that's what he thought. But all along, that time I thought I was giving in the best I could but now? Now that I know better, I realized that ah fuck, that wasn't my best yet. I was so unfair to him, maybe that's why he left and cheated? But I was a kid back then, I was older than him but I was no less of a kid still trying to learn 😞
He gave me his world, he made me his world and that's where it went downhill when he realized that, I was the red flag that time. We never fought about any girls during our relationship, siya pa yung may pinagseselosan, ako wala. He would go lengths just to see me, would angkas going to Antipolo just to see me after my class. And I never did anything to reciprocate that.
I just realized it now. Women could also be the ones in the wrong in a relationship. I, myself is a perfect example for that.
Just like my mother, who wasted my father's love. I am just like her. And I will forever hate myself for that.
How can I move on from this? Have I really moved on from my first relationship? But it's been 4 years? That's so pathetic but is it really possible?
If yes, then I am the epitome of a hung up ex who's getting her batshit karma for traumatizing a guy who was just trying to love me.
That it came to a point wherein I made him feel that he never did anything right for me when in fact, he was the fucking backbone of the relationship. Helped me through my school by inspiring me, sending me food, gifts and everything. I coped with the fact that my family fell apart that time because HE WAS THERE. I will forever be grateful for that and God....
God... how I wish I could tell him that because being with me was his huge mistake, I made him terrible, even his family hates me, I just know. When he was on drugs, when he kept on pawning his grandmother's jewelries, I was his girlfriend that time and he used all the money FOR ME. I am so ashamed.
To my first love, the only person who tried to get to know me in depths, the only person who loved me for me, J.I.S., I am so sorry for everything.
And to myself, I hope soon enough, I can forgive myself too for fucking things up and hurting someone who tried to love me the best possible way he can.
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parkjiminiemouse · 2 years
Text
Reflection
This is a continuation of the Party Girl one shot but can also be read as a stand alone
———————————————————————————
Wake up and takin' a look in the mirror
I say, "Just another day"
I don't even recognize that blank look on my face
The bags under your eyes told Yeosang everything he needed to know. It frustrated him, how come you weren’t taking proper care of yourself? You were well aware that he couldn’t be there for you all the time right? That you had to take care of yourself too.
Every day's the same
Have you been plagued by the thought of just runnin' away?
“Let’s run away.” You mumble softly, staring up at the stars. Yeosang doesn’t respond as he thinks it’s the alcohol in your system talking. Little does he know, you haven’t drank in weeks. Yes you smelled of alcohol but it wasn’t hard when you hung out with alcoholic’s. When he doesn’t respond you sigh, turning onto your side. Your back was facing Yeosang as you stared straight ahead of you. You were serious, you wanted out of here. You wanted to start over.
And it's so strange how all the things I used to love
Just make me feel so numb now (feel so numb now)
Slamming the paintbrush down you bury your head in your hands. Tears blur your vision as you let out shaky breaths. As broken sob escapes your chapped lips as you try your best to calm down. You were so frustrated and defeated.
The door opens moments later and Yeosang is greeted with the usual sight he expects. A can of opened beer sitting next to your easel as paint covered your white shirt. A fake and tired smile plastered on your face as you looked at him with red eyes.
Yeosang tried his best to get rid of his preconceptions of you. That you were only a party girl that lived off of alcohol but seeing you like this made it hard for him.
“Why are you drinking again?” He asks, a frown on his lips as he looks at your red eyes. Was it that clueless? Did he only think of you as an alcoholic too? Is that why you felt like you had to hide behind this facade? He was your boyfriend, you were tired of hiding.
Oh, my reflection
Don't even know her name
It's so depressin'
Yeosang was frustrated with you. Helping you wipe the vomit from your face he tried his best to keep his cool, completely oblivious to the look in your eye.
Looking at yourself in the mirror, you felt pathetic. Months without alcohol and then you relapse. You let everyone’s misconceptions about you become a reality again. That, mixed with the look Yeosang was giving you, you couldn’t help but want to run away.
Can I disappear instead?
“Coming to my party tonight?” Wooyoung asks you, completely ignoring Yeosang’s presence beside you.
“I uh…yeah.” You say softly, watching as Wooyoung’s face lights up. Your gaze shifts from him over to your boyfriend who has an unreadable expression on his face.
“Babe?” You question. You don’t get an answer as he just walks off, without you.
Feel like I'm lookin' into my life from the outside
And I don't know why
You don’t even feel like you’re in your own body anymore. People were cheering you on as you danced on the table, did party tricks, and more. You tried your best to shake off the sickness you felt. You weren’t going to ruin everyone’s night because of you. That would be selfish, right? Yeosang only watches from the corner of the room with a disappointed gaze. He thinks you don’t notice it, but you do. You always do.
Can't even tell myself that everythin' is alright
No, I can't disguise
The way I feel 'cause it's become so real
There's nowhere for me to hide (nowhere to hide)
“Let’s break up.” He says one night. Your heart shatters as you look at him. You can’t say you didn’t see it coming but you hoped it wouldn’t be as soon as it was.
“Why…” you knew why, what a dumb question that was. “Because look at you! I’ve been trying to help you for months and you clearly don’t want it. You always talk about how you want to stop being known as the party animal but you never try to improve!” You can only fiddle with your hands.
“I am trying you idiot…” was all you could manage to mumble out. He scoffs and rolls his eyes, “oh really? How?” Did he really not notice? “Why should I tell you? You’re like everyone else, you think that all I am is a party animal! I’m so tired Yeo…I meant what I said when I said I wanted to run away. I feel like I have to hide my true self…even from you.” The last statement hurt his heart and his heart broke when he saw tears form in your eyes. “I’m really trying…” you whimper.
Don't wanna be stuck here
Face-to-face with my fears
I'm still trapped behind these eyes
After your talk with Yeosang, he was aware of why he hadn’t seen your improvement. His misconceptions of you had blinded him. He had failed to notice the fact that you no longer bought or had any alcohol within your house. How you no longer threw up every night, how you no longer smelled of alcohol.
He watches as Wooyoung approaches you again. He already knew the question the male was going to ask but allowed him to ask anyways. “Hey Y/N, are you coming to my party tonight?” You were hesitant, which was weird for all of you. Glancing down at your hand which was interlaced with Yeosang’s you shake your head. “No, I think I’ll skip this one.” You really wanted to prove to not only Yeosang but yourself that you could become better. This was your first test and you had passed.
Can't catch my breath when I'm runnin' from all my decisions
“Let’s run away.” The statement gives you deja vu as you look over at a smiling Yeosang. Rolling your eyes, you look back at the stars.
“Didn’t I say that months ago and you ignored me? What changed now?” He bites his lip, unsure how to word his answer. You only sigh softly, “You don’t have to answer that, I already know. I don’t blame you, I wouldn’t want to go with someone who I thought was a raging alcoholic either.” You smiled at him sadly.
Can I disappear? (Can I disappear instead?)
Run away from here (can I disappear instead?)
Wooyoung expected to see you and Yeosang walking like usual but he was shocked to see no sign of you two.
Giggles escape your lips as you look out of the car window. Your bags were packed and the two of you were off to who knows where. But even so, you were finally happy. You and Yeosang had finally escaped your party animal image.
And that’s all you could’ve really asked for.
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icharchivist · 2 years
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This isn't my usual GBF question but a more general one. How to be more social online please?
Like. I prefer online courses cause I can just silently do it and get an OK grade. But now I can't. I have to *talk* and regularly at that. I'm so nervous! Even now I'm on anon, and I trust you more than any of my classmates. Suggestions? Please?
Hi there nonny!
I wish i could give proper advice but i'm sorry to say i have the exact same problem, believe it or not.
Tumblr is a bit of a weird zone for me. I've been here for over 10 years, it took me years to get active, and eventually it's mostly the fact i know my posts rarely escape my comfort zone that means i can feel more comfortable rambling on there.
But it's specifically because i need to stay less in the open that you won't see me actually talk on Twitter ahah
When it came to Discord i used to be a complete mess. I would not talk unless spoken to so i've ghosted so many group chats. My crew channel ended up being very good to me because some friends constantly included me in the conversation so much i just feel comfortable there.
On online classes? i was completely panicking. I could follow fine as long as i could stay quiet, i would never put on my video no matter what was asked.... But i have vivid memories of my teacher once deciding to put us into mini groups on zoom to have us work together and i panicked and closed the zoom call before he had the time to put me into a group. Similarly there was a class where the teacher kept calling people to answer questions, i experienced one class and i never attended at the rest of his classes. Which is a shame because i know he's a good teacher, but i was completely paralyzed at the idea of being put on the spot.
In real life, before the pandemic, i used to force myself through it. I had panic attacks nearly everyday, and was trembling everytime i was put on the spot, but i would fake a smile and try to power through, and eventually, after a long time, it got better. But then the pandemic hit and we were all forced to do online classes and all this confidence vanished and i'm back at having panic attacks when surrounded with people, and of course since it's a relapse in bad habits i took it as a very violent hit and i feel like i've done hundreds of steps back.
Even on socmed i tend to panic a lot. I can grow extremely paranoid due to having been bullied in the past and if i have any reasons to think i could get targeted even on something that's factually wrong or impossible, i would freeze and disappear for a bit.
My confidence online is a lot of mix of fake it until you make it and eventually slowly but surely expend what i'm comfortable with.
When i started on tumblr, i wouldn't message anyone, even in anon, it was freaking me out! now, i tend to do it more easily. I think starting out with anon, trying to connect and see that the person respond just well, can help a bit boosting your confidence.
But it's not a one shoe fits it all process. I would love to be able to say the same for online class: to try to bear through it, take a deep breath, let yourself go with the flow, that if you can you could start with like only one interaction by classes and eventually you'll be more comfortable interreacting more and all of that... but those are all advices i already cannot really do myself for my own situation, so to me they ring hollow and i'm not sure it'll be able to help you out.
So i'm really sorry, i don't know if i can really help you there :(
Just coming back on the idea of trusting someone you barely know on tumblr more than a classmate, i think it's actually much more fair in general. Classmates are generally people you're stuck with regardless of how much you connect with them. You have similar experiences due to the classroom life, but any other type of connection is either a coincidence or the result of long conversations opening up to allow this person in hoping they'll accept you.
Contrary to class, you have no obligation to reach out to me, yet you connect with me because you know we have similar things in common. It means we're much more equipped to have similar sensibilities over what affects us or not, and an understanding of sort. Obviously i don't mean it in a way of "we like the same things so we're besties", absolutely not ahah, i just mean it as like, there's a connection (as minimal as it is) that isn't an obligation which means it feels easier. Plus you do have the opportunity to hide yourself with anon (which i totally support especially as you're getting used to talk with people) which means you can be a little more at ease about not being put on the spot.
Reaching out to people on social media can be a lot easier than people you know in real life by a long margin. But truly as i said, there was a time just sending messages in anon would petrify me. I think you're already doing this type of work upon yourself of trying to manage your anxiety by seeing how you can work around it and whom you're willing to extend those attempts with. I think in itself it shows a willingness to eventually move forward at your own pace, step by step.
All i mean by that is that, there's a lot of credits to be had with your behavior and i hope you aren't cut yourself short.
I'm sorry i can't give you proper advice, but know i'm cheering for you and i truly hope you'll manage to get through it. If anything, you have my sympathies because i know completely what you're talking about.
I'm cheering for you o7
Take care!
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skynightcollective · 4 months
Text
Tw: vent, abuse, other shit
Why does everyone do this to me
I pour my heart and soul into a relationship with someone I love just for them to only come to when they need something
I do everything I can for them just for them to ignore me when I need help
I do what I can with what I have which isn't alot because I don't even have enough money to buy toothpaste when I need it, I give what I can afford and they say I don't try hard enough when I do I try so hard
They complain about bullshit thats not even important and I listen but when i am actively struggling, relapsing and about to attempt because its 'not my problem'
They call being grounded abuse and when I explain to them that its not abuse they say 'you have no idea what abuse is', yes I do I've know what it is since I was a fucking toddler, I was three years old and being slapped for no reason, I was six years old and having to cover up a massive cut on my knee after I had been throw across the room, I was a fucking child and having my teeth knocked out of my head for things I didn't do
I've experienced abuse first hand I have a fucking disorder that effects every part of my life because of it yet I'm still not abused because I don't get grounded
I don't get grounded cause I can't even leave my fucking house that often because I have panic attacks every day
They get slightly stressed and are 'having a panic attack' then ten seconds later laughing their ass off, they've never experienced a fucking panic attack first hand like I have, I feel like I'm fucking dying I'm unable to calm myself down, I had a panic attack so bad that I threw up and passed out when I was nine I WAS NINE YEARS OLD AND FEELING LIKE I WAS DYING JUST BECAUSE I HAD TO LEAVE MY HOUSE, I WAS A KID
I still poured everything into that relationship just for it all to be ignored and for my problems which nearly caused my death multiple time to be undermined
Yet they still managed to make me stay for months and months and months, it ruined my life and still does and I can't escape it unless I leave my school lose all my friends and give up all my plans for my future
I want to be a psychologist to help people like me but if I keep having to live like this it won't happen and that will worsen my mental state even more
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vilsetvarande · 9 months
Text
Every ones in a while I get in position where I stop moving around in a restless manor and just think.
Now that might not sound like a bad idea for anyone to do bit I tend to avoid that.
The reason being that I always realize the same thing.
I'm very lonely.
My family is broken so i tend to avoid them, my friends are junkies so i tend to avoid them. I have a very lovely girlfriend but I don't wanna force her to keep me company all the time, everybody needs their own time, like me too.
But honestly I miss having people to talk to.
Most of the people I meet in a day are involved in my treatment and that tends to put the subject we talk about to be my sobriety, it's nice and all to have support in that and I'm doing a mf amazing job on that (so much that some people involved in my treatment thinks I'm faking that I've had no relapses, thats kind of enoing) but like I'm a hooole lot more than my sobriety and since all friends went out the door because of that I've turned into a very restless person always focusing on keeping in movement and being busy.
This starts to turn more and more into a problem, I'm tiered and very much in need of a outlet. This has started to bring out thoughts of relapsing just to escape my everyday routine.
I dont think it shows but I'm sad, like very much. To lack all the normal support from frieds and family makes things very empty, I do self harming things that doesn't involve drugs or drinking to cope, don't talk about it and only does so in periods. My artistic expressions has disappeared, can't find inspiration, my need for sleep is rising for every day, my medications just keeping more and in higher dosages but helps less and less.
I kind of don't know what I'm gonna do about this tbh, I try different things and hopefully I'll figure this one out to.
One thing I do know is that I'm good at coping and one day, hopefully soon I'm in a better place.
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xxxmisa · 1 year
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Regret//Rant//Ramble
Lately I've been battling with my mind over time I got my v-card taken. I was stupid. Always have been, always will be. But idk if them turning out to be toxic is what makes me repulsed, or my "true" intentions. I've known for a while that I oversexualize myself (bc of based sa) But I didn't see that coming. I thought it'd be from the love of my life, not a friend at the time. Then again, it might just be me being a hopeless romantic. But I was so young. Too young. I have no clue how to feel. On one hand I feel like a monster, and the other I cut myself slack. I can't change the past, but I can certainly regret it. I never really enjoyed it too much every time after either. I always felt unwanted. I know it could've been worse, but the fact that it wasn't what it could've made it breaks me. I should've waited. Again, I was not at a good age for that. Still not now. I don't think I could've ever been ready, if I'm honest. I think I'm too depraved to be ever deemed touchable. And if I am, I'm treated as nothing but an object. I just want it to stop. All of it. I'm thinking of relapsing again. If someone really is the one I'm meant to be with, then they wouldn't care how thin I am. If someone wants me for my body, then they're easy to thread out. I just want control. Control I took from myself. I just want my innocence back. I want my happiness back. I was heading in such a great direction before I let myself ruin all the progress. All for a "love" that never really cared? A "love" in which one person learned to love again while the other never learned anything? I'm so fucking stupid and I don't know why I even bother. It's so hard to try and care and love someone, and all they do is give you silence. It's hard to stop caring because of how cruel they'll always be. And I feel like shit when I miss those that wronged me(that I knew personally). I know I'm self destructive, selfish, rude, but I'm a decent person and I want to be told I matter. I guess that's the inherent problem. I see myself as too worthless to tell myself I matter, so I need that from others? Idk. I'm just tired. I've been crying and feeling guilty for a while and I'm tired. I can't escape what could've been, and it's my fault, I know. If this is relatable to you, then I'm so sorry
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Hi hello! So pleased to hear your requests are open! Can I please request for a marriage au mafia style where the reader gets hurt or assaulted by the rival gang in front of him and due to being restraint he can't get to her and he cries and begs for her stop. Then thankfully Chan and the others come to the rescue and you want nothing more than to be in chnagbins arms. Maybe a lot of angst and fluff afterwards too. Can't wait to see what you come up with 💕
Pairing: Fem!Reader x Changbin
Warnings: Mention of violence and blood; cursing and language; lots of angst and some fluff at the end; mature content
Genre: Mafia AU; Established Relationship
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Where are you?
It feels like a dream. The very strange sensation of that in-between state because you were incapable of distinguishing consciousness from something less than. 
Am I alive?
You must be, aware of the sensation of cold, shivers running down your spine, raising little bumps across your arms...
“Princess!”
What? Did you hear that?
“Y/N!” the voice came again. More urgently this time.
You realized then, with the grounding agency of that sound, that your eyes were closed, but it was a struggle to open them, slowly coming back from whatever had sucked you down, wincing at the dull pain in your head.
“Y/N,” the voice sighed this time. Like it was relieved to see you cognizant. “Tell me you’re okay, love.”
Love?
It hit you at that moment, the sound of the voice. One you could recognize no matter the degree of darkness holding you under, and you managed to open your eyes enough to meet Changbin’s gaze from across the room. 
“Changbin?” you questioned. Or, at least, you thought you said his name. You couldn’t be sure since the sounds around you made it seem like your head was underneath water, distorting everything, and the roof of your mouth was dry and tasteless.
“That’s right, love,” Changbin said, and you struggled to keep him in your line of vision, watching his form swim and dance in strange directions.
“I don’t feel good,” you admitted, hearing what might’ve been a sharp intake of breath.
“Where does it hurt?” Changbin asked, and you frowned at how difficult the question was since you weren’t sure how to answer it.
There was too much numbness, and you were far more concerned with restoring your senses, slowly feeling your ears open back up and the things surrounding you come into focus.
Meanwhile, Changbin was still talking. “I’ll kill them all,” he growled. “This was never supposed to happen.”
Them? you thought to yourself vacantly, gingerly turning around as much as your bindings would allow, realizing only after a brief relapse of confusion that your hands and legs were tied to the metal chair you sat on. 
“Where are we?” you asked, finding your voice amidst everything else.
“I’m not sure,” Changbin whispered, and he suddenly sat upright in his chair, eyes narrowing and features taking on that practiced hardening that you associated with your husband at his most dangerous.
But a Changbin bound and tied by seemingly impossible to escape restraints didn’t exactly scream power to you. In fact, it seemed more like a power imbalance, and you were left reeling for answers when the sound of a distant door opening and then closing filled the space between you both.
“I see you’re awake now,” an unfamiliar figure announced, voice slightly accented. He walked with an arrogant swagger, matching the exaggerated steps he took and the smirk he wore on his grizzled features. “We’ve been waiting.”
“Don’t touch her!” Changbin snapped, jerking against his restraints as the veins in his neck visibly popped in response to his obvious anger and frustration. 
“Who? The girl?” the man asked with a lazy gesturing towards you. “Then you’ll give us answers, no?”
“What do you want?” Changbin asked, and you noted how his fingers were clenched tightly against the arm rests attached to his chair.
“The new shipment of weapons,” the man said. “Your men took them from us the other night. Came in and shot my best sniper.”
Changbin sighed, clearly frustrated. “They were originally assigned to us.”
“But then we made a better deal!” the man growled. “It was my name on that contract, and you had no right to interfere.”
“Says who?” Changbin asked, fishing for more information.
“I can’t tell you that,” the man replied. “I’m only the messenger.”
“You act like it’s more than that.”
“Oh?” the man smirked. “Well, I am a big deal.”
Changbin glowered at the arrogance. “I don’t lead the organization.”
“I know, but you’re an important player,” the man continued. “And your name was everywhere when I started investigating.”
“The weapons were a necessary exchange,” Changbin argued.
“But they were ours!” the man declared passionately, and Changbin knew better than to try to argue with someone so overzealous.
“Fine,” Changbin huffed. “I’ll have my men restore the weapons.”
“Wonderful,” the man sighed, tucking his hands into his pocket. “There is one more thing, though.”
“One more?” Changbin snorted.
“I know of your importance, Mr. Seo,” the man said. “I assume that you’re someone in possession of good information.”
“Like what?”
“Like that little bar you opened downtown,” the man continued, taking another step closer. 
You froze when he pulled a knife from his pocket, studying the way the light reflected off the harsh metal. “What about it?” Changbin grumbled, eyes focused on the obvious danger in the room.
“I’m curious about its sudden success,” he said, and you shivered when he started circling your chair. “Seems like something is missing.”
“Just good business,” Changbin said, but you could tell he was trying to get one step ahead of the guy - discerning the meaning of this unexpected conversation.
“Or, you figured out how to delegitimize the competition,” the man harshly exhaled, and you whimpered when you felt the cold blade of the knife tease the sensitive skin of your neck. 
Changbin sat up just a little higher, biceps flexing against his restraints. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“Obviously,” the man hissed, digging the blade just enough to draw a tiny pinprick of blood. “You’ve sent your men undercover to spy on my business! To spread rumors and lies and turn my clientele away!”
Changbin chuckled at the outrageous claim, but it was devoid of any humor. “You probably fucked your business over yourself.”
“Do you think I’m a fool?” the man growled, searing metal against flesh. “I know men like you, Mr. Seo, and I’m willing to bet that you’ve played a bigger part than what you’ve let on.”
“I have better things to do than fuck with some second rate booze club,” Changbin growled. “We’ve got clubs all over downtown. They’ve all been successful, and it has nothing to do with sending off the competition.”
Changbin smirked then, something harsh and mocking. “Maybe you’re just a really bad businessman.”
But it was the wrong thing to say, and you withheld a scream of terror when the man suddenly wrapped biting fingers into your hair. “You want to save your cocksleeve?” he growled, gripping even tighter to your aching scalp and wrenching your head back to expose your throat and the small laceration he had left there on the smooth skin. A puddle of red amidst the rest. “Tell me why you did it!”
“I can’t!” Changbin snarled in return. “My guys never stepped foot in your territory.”
“LIES!” the man roared, and you were teetering precariously in your chair, back legs lifted from the safety of the floor.
“If you hurt her,” Changbin said, and his tone was staggered and weak. “I will make sure you suffer a thousand times worse.”
The man laughed, incredulous as he looked around the room. “And what do you plan to do about it?”
Silent tears fell down your glistening cheeks as you felt the man’s warm breath against the side of your face. “Maybe violence isn’t enough for you. Maybe I need to get what I need by other means.”
Your stomach dropped at the guttural tone, trying to meet Changbin’s eyes from across the room. “You’ve been warned,” Changbin said. “The grave you’ve dug for yourself is deep enough.”
“Oh?” the man laughed. “Well, since you think you’re in such control here, let me remind of you of the reality of the situation...”
“Changbin!” you cried when you were abruptly lifted from your chair, knife cutting through the ropes binding you, sending you colliding back against the solid mass of an unfamiliar form, loose hands roaming across your torso. 
“Stop!”
Changbin’s voice was just veering on the edge of desperate, recognizing that you were in no position for him to sound anything less than serious. 
“Stop?” your captor repeated in a mocking tone, and you felt the blade of the knife return to your throat, slicing down harder and finally triggering the hair-raising scream that you had been suppressing. Trying to be brave for Changbin.
“You can’t do this!” Changbin cried, and you were amazed to see the faint rivulet of a tear stain - the mark of weakness that your husband tried so hard to suppress in this violent line of work.
If you thought about it, there were only a handful of times that you had ever seen Changbin cry.
“I’ll do anything,” Changbin whispered. “I’ll even take her place! Just don’t hurt her anymore.”
“Hmmm?” Your captor relinquished his threatening attack, and you could breath a little easier when he turned his attention back to Changbin.“What if I offer you a compromise? Tell me how you’ve managed your business affairs, and I won’t kill your little plaything.”
Changbin inhaled sharply, gaze full of a sinister rage you knew was reserved for his greatest enemies. “You’ll be screaming for a death of your own by the time I’m done with you.”
“You still don’t understand,” the man sighed, and you gasped when chapped lips brushed against your cheek. “Maybe I’ll fuck her first...”
“You won’t have the time.”
“Says who...”
He trailed off then. The last words you ever heard from your captor before an enormous explosion interrupted the tension, walls and floors shaking as dust and debris fell from the ceiling overhead.
You could feel the body behind you trembling as well, but you knew that it wasn’t from the explosion. It was from fear, and in a split second of panic, the man shoved you to the ground, and you yelped when your head collided hard against the concrete. 
You attempted to pull yourself back up, but there was something numbing and weighty keeping you on the floor, darkness swimming threateningly in front of your eyes once again.
There were familiar sounds: the sharp click of a gun, the whizzing of bullets flying overhead, and the cacophony of screams and yells.
The pain was keeping you from focusing, aware of vague figures passing in and out of your periphery, running and moving in all sorts of directions. It was chaos at its finest, and you were incapable of comprehending any of it. Instead, you could only focus on two things: the pounding of your pulse against your eardrums and the intermingled buzzing of familiar tones.
There was a hand on your shoulder, but you were incapable of responding to their call, succumbing to an irrefutable and dreamless sleep.
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The first thing you noticed when you were capable of understanding your surroundings, was the silky fabric of the bed sheets.
They were smooth to the touch and you flexed your fingers around them, humming in contentment when you silted open your eyes just enough to confirm that they belonged to you and Changbin. The ones you used on the King-sized bed in your shared room.
But therein lay the problem: you were alone in the bed, and the only voices you could hear certainly didn’t match the same tone of your husband.
You swallowed hard, flinching when the motion brought attention to the thick bandage around your neck, and upon touching the material, you were bombarded with a barrage of images reminding you of everything that had happened the previous night. 
It was enough to leave you shaking, seeking some form of comfort as you roused your body just enough to turn around to the sound of those voices, recognizing Chan, your husband’s boss, and Seungmin, the residential healer.
“Chan?” you groaned, grimacing at the dryness in your mouth.
“Y/N,” he acknowledged you, rushing over to your bedside in an instant. “How are you feeling?”
“Okay,” you said, watching as he lifted a bottle of water to hand to you.
“Drink this.”
You nodded, taking it from him. “Where’s Changbin?”
The question was met with silence, and you frowned when Chan and Seungmin exchanged quick glances. “Well, if nothing hurts, then I have other appointments,” Seungmin said, hurriedly dismissing himself from the room.
“Coward,” Chan muttered, but he was nothing but smiles for you, coming to sit down at your bedside. “Changbin...he’s busy.”
The answer wasn’t satisfactory, and your heart started beating a little faster. “Where?”
“Downstairs,” he said, and you knew exactly what that meant. 
“He brought him here?” you muttered, hating the idea of having someone like that under the same roof you called home. 
“Changbin insisted,” Chan replied, and you realized that he disapproved as well, but it still didn’t help your tender sensibilities, and you were ready to implode from the inside because you needed Changbin’s comfort.
“I need him,” you said, fixing Chan with a stern look. “Can you ask him to come up here?”
“He won’t be convinced until he’s done,” Chan said, but his gaze was soft as he leaned in closer. “I can help, if you’d like.”
It was a nice gesture, and normally you might take him up on an offer of comfort, but Chan wasn’t going to heal the turmoil bubbling inside of you.
The emotions burst forth, and your eyes had already glossed over from tears shedding themselves like dead leaves falling from a tree in the middle of a windstorm. “I just want Changbin,” you sobbed, and Chan was barely perceivable through the mess of your tears. 
You could tell Chan was upset by your dismissal, even as his fingers tried to brush away the wetness dotting your cheeks. “I’m sorry, Y/N,” he said, and it spoke to a history between the two of you that often when unsaid.
You had been given to Chan, your organization’s leader, as a peace offering from a rival mafia group. It was a cruel trade, and you resisted as much as you could, especially since, at first, you were meant to be his betrothed.
And you came into the Miroh Group with a determination to resist them to the very end.
Until Changbin stole your heart.
From there, you couldn’t believe that you had gotten so lucky, falling in love whole-heartedly, capable of forgiving Changbin’s worst sins.
Including his more sadistic tendencies.
“You can try to see him,” Chan said, seemingly satisfied after wiping away most of the evidence of your internal breakdown.
You nodded immediately, even though you understood that what you might find downstairs wouldn’t be anything comforting.
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You felt a little unsteady on your feet, even with Chan helping you down the concrete steps descending into a place you tended to avoid.
The smell of alcohol and blood were both overwhelming, and you stumbled on the final step, rearing back at the sound of a truly gruesome gurgle that reminded you too much of drowning. 
In the middle of the room you managed to make out Changbin, wearing dark pants and a white t-shirt, allowing you to see all the blood painting the texture in ugly patterns.
But then your attention wandered over to the poor soul strapped to the chair, barely recognizable because of the damage caused by your husband, the one who was gaping at you while holding a knife in one hand and scissors in the other.
"Y/N,” Changbin whispered. “Why aren’t you resting?”
You shook your head, looking past the gruesome, mangled damage to see the pained expression of your former captor. 
Changbin had made good on his threat to tear the asshole apart, and your stomach rolled at the awful display of violence.
Done at the hands of the man who made the sweetest love to you in the dark recesses of your bedroom.
Still, you craved his presence, falling into his open arms as he held you close after tossing aside his tools. “Shhh,” he whispered to calm your tears.
“You weren’t there when I woke up,” you sniffled.
“I’m sorry, love,” Changbin said, soothing your cries with soft cooing. 
You savored his closeness, tucking your chin over his shoulder and opening your eyes to look upon the decrepit appearance of your former captor. “What are you doing to him?” you asked, and you felt Changbin sigh as he pulled back from you.
“I know you don’t approve, love,” Changbin said, and he glanced down at his ruined t-shirt and jeans, drenched in blood. 
Under most circumstances, you would agree, but you felt your hand jumping to your throat, wrapping around the bandage covering your wound. 
Changbin frowned at the movement, likely remembering the events that led to your injuries. “Kill him,” you said, and both Changbin and Chan seemed taken aback by your response. It was completely out of character, coming from someone who often disapproved of the murderous part of their work. 
“Y/N,” Chan whispered, and you could see that he wore wariness on top of his horrified expression.
“Come upstairs soon,” you said, squeezing Changbin’s hand with your own. “I need you.”
Your husband nodded, looking at you with something akin to awe as you left the downstairs basement with Chan hot on your heels and torturous screams assaulting your ears. 
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Chan only left your bedroom once Changbin arrived, showered and clean, wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt. 
“Careful,” Chan whispered to him on the way out, and you shivered.
But there was nothing that could warm you up more than Changbin, and you even managed a smile when he climbed into the bed behind you, wrapping a strong arm around your waist to pull you closer. “Hi, princess,” he whispered, and you felt like bathing in the sensual tone of his voice.
“Changbin,” you sighed in return, turning around so that you could face him.
“It doesn’t hurt too much, does it love?” he asked, reaching out to tenderly stroke his fingers across your bandages. 
“Not anymore,” you said. “Seungmin did a good job.”
“He better,” Changbin rumbled, and you tried not to roll your eyes at your husband. 
“I was really upset earlier,” you said. “When I couldn’t find you.”
“That’s my fault, princess,” Changbin said. “I didn’t know you would wake-up so soon....and there were things I needed to take care of.”
You sighed, closing your eyes hard against a distant image of your mind conjuring the bloodied and ruined form of your captor. “Did you find out who he belonged to?”
“Yeah, a small organization under Park,” Changbin said. “He was more than willing to talk after I took one of his fingers.”
Your heart twisted at his nonchalant tone. “I guess you silenced him.”
Changbin hesitated, pausing to look at you with concern. “Are you mad at me?”
“Just...disappointed,” you said. “I couldn’t hold myself together.”
“It would’ve torn me apart,” Changbin replied. “If I let him go without making him suffer for touching my princess.”
You closed your eyes, feeling Changbin trail his fingers across your arm. “But you’re here now?”
“Of course,” Changbin agreed, leaning in to kiss you gently. “I’m yours, love. For as long as you need me to hold you.”
“Might be all night,” you said, moving up to kiss under his jaw. “I need you in a lot of ways.”
Changbin chuckled at your implications, leaving nothing to be imagined as you grazed one finger over the front of his sweatpants where his cock lay flaccid. He titled your chin at a better angle, a glaze of lust darkening his eyes. “When you feel better,” he purred. “I’ll take care of your little pussy.”
You shook at his seductive promise, curling even closer to him as Changbin’s thudding heart lulled you into a comfortable peace.
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sadiepickles · 2 years
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Curbing Obsessive Thoughts
Today I watched a youtube video on Limerance, which is the phenomenon where you fall for the idea of somebody instead of the actual person, and you develop obsessive thought patterns based on pattern-finding about the possibility of love. In a nutshell, this can be related to poor attachment as a child, abuse and neglect. Here is the link to the video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ga4VHjKkv70
This video really struck a chord with me. Nobody ever talks about obsessive thoughts because admitting you were obsessed with somebody is seen as a weakness. In the past, I haven't really wanted to talk about this at all. But I would argue that most of us have experienced being obsessed with somebody at some point in our lives and it is actually normal, especially in regards to failed romances.
There was a period of my life right after my first manic episode where I was seriously obsessed with somebody I barely knew and honestly I could not wrap my mind around WHY this was happening. I had experienced about a million meaningless crushes up to that point, so it was hard to know why this specific situation was different. At the time I rationalized my obsession by thinking it was cosmically important. Today I know it was a combination of manic obsession, bad self esteem, and poor coping through escapism. But at the time it was like a calling, and I felt helpless to resist, indulging my obsession with delusional thinking about what could have happened had things just been different. Does this sound familiar?
Below are some strategies that have helped me curb my obsessive thinking over time that I wish I knew sooner.
1. Do everything you can to limit your access to somebody you're obsessed with
That's right girl it's time to hit that block button. Never look back. Do not test yourself by seeing how you feel in a month if you unblock them. This is both a self control and a self esteem issue. You need to believe your emotional health is worth protecting, and that you are capable of turning off the trigger. You got this.
2. Quit talking about who you're obsessed with
Your friends are sick of hearing about them. In fact, they're probably worried about you. When you talk about somebody you're obsessed with, you encourage yourself to fixate more on them, especially if you're trying to reason out ways that you could be together in the future. It's the sunk cost fallacy. There will never be a time where your obsession will pay off and all your hours obessing will have been worth it. Cut your losses.
3. Talk back to obsessive thoughts
So for me, this was a process of finding the right mantras to trigger better thought patterns. Whenever I thought about creeping, my go to phrase was: "We are not smoking that crack today." For me, interrupting my pattern with an empowering joke was helpful. Referring to myself as "we" was also strangely helpful. Current you needs to help rehabilitate past you so that future you has a better shot at happiness. I would also say that when we say "we," it implies that you aren't alone and reminds you that there are plenty of people that support you that want to see you get better.
4. Keep an eye on yourself when you're feeling bored or emotionally low
When do I feel the most obsessive? When I was bored and when I was sad. Part of me liked being sad, because it was familiar and I didn't have to try as hard when I was stuck in my patterns. I always thought, "What will it hurt for me to peek?" And honestly, that was just proof that I did not value myself or my recovery. A good way to prevent a relapse is to be aware of your habits and find ways to redirect that energy. One of my favorite strategies is watching youtube videos of frolicking leopard seals and talking to friends.
5. Talk back to obsessive magical thinking
I can't count the number of times I've heard people validate dangerous delusional thinking about romance by watching romance content and surrounding themselves in a cocoon of magical thinking. Dude, you deserve better. When you can tell that certain content will trigger delusional thinking, that should be an alarm bell, especially if it triggers maladaptive daydreaming. Cut yourself off.
6. Say it out loud
Do you remember how I said that acknowledging obsession can be embarassing? Yeah, that's because part of you knows you're fucking up. If you look yourself in the mirror and force yourself to say "I feel like checking instagram for the 60th time this week so I can hunt for any hints from the universe that I'm meant to be with XXX person" then yeah you're going to feel like shit for a second. The truth hurts. But it will also be the slap in the face you need to remind yourself that you have agency over your obsession. Take back your power and block.
7. Practice radical acceptance
Forgive yourself for being obsessive. It's a human thing. Quit calling yourself names over it. Accept that for whatever reason, that person is out of your life. You are where you need to be at that specific time. If you never accept that there is nothing between you two, you will never move on to find people who will genuinely see you and love you in the future.
8. Strategize new interests
So this is basic depression maintenence but it's applicable here as well. You need to find new ways to get your mind off the person. Get creative when thinking of new hobbies and don't be afraid to be bad at them at first. Support groups or groups based on creative hobbies can also be great.
9. Develop automatic coping strategies
Whenever I started to stew in my own toxic broth for long enough, I would impulsively throw on my shoes and go for a walk around the block. Sometimes I would take a bath. Maybe chew a stick of gum. Immediate sensory things help me the most to change my mind's subject. And it has to be instinctive.
10. Work on self esteem problems
So you might need therapy. Who doesn't? But one common thread with limerance is chronically bad self esteem. Children who are never seen by the parents and ignored will grow into adults that overestimate the importance of meeting somebody who sees them. But you are worth bein seen, and plenty of people would like you if you were open. Compliment yourself. Write an essay about who you are and why you like yourself. Call yourself attractive. At the very least, practice body neutrality.
11. Find better people
I could spend a week in ruminations about the person I was obsessed with but when a cute stranger smiled at me I was like "Toxic rumination who?" I'm not saying you need to rush back into the dating pool, but realize that your romantic obession is due to your desire for love. The only way to get real abiding love is to find somebody new who will value you and engage in a relationship that is not a fantasy. My freshman year roommate said that the best way to get over somebody is to get under somebody else, and while this is incredibly wrong in a lot of ways, the truth is that you need to put yourself out there if you want a hope of finding a better option.
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castielmoriarty · 2 years
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I hope ur right it just they make it seem Ben seemed more important than Robert even had him choose him over Robert and choose Ben over his own sister etc
sure, he did choose Ben over Rob, but; one of the big issues with soaps is because they run forever, and actors come and go, sometimes people will act very out of character in the context of someone else's exit. Aaron 'had' to choose not to get back into contact with Rob, because Rob wasn't coming back on the show. Vic and Rob's relationship can play out off screen, but Robron's can't, it's too significant. it wouldn't work to have Aaron casually say "I talked to Rob on the phone" and not actually show us any of it. they chose to have the whole Robert-baiting drama around Luke even when it would force Aaron to act out of character, prioritized drama over having him act in a characteristic way, but let's face it, with how bad the writing has been for a long time now, who was surprised. but that fact aside; Rob is still in prison, and even if Aaron had started talking to him again, it would have likely just been phone calls. it's not as simple as him "choosing Ben over Rob"; he chooses a person who is there and present and available, over phone calls with the love of his life. if Rob had been back in the village, we all know there would be no competition. Aaron was going to leave his whole family - mom, stepdad, sister, uncle, cousins, friends - forever, for Rob, without hesitation. didn't even consider it, there was no alternative. if Rob was back or had escaped and asked Aaron to come with him on the run... we all know he'd go.
but Aaron is someone who craves affection and physical closeness (including sex), and at that point Ben can give all of that to him and Rob can't. it's phone calls vs. everything a relationship entails. Ben is a substitute and a placeholder for what Aaron really wants but can't have. and also Chas, who as usual is infuriating in her inability to even let Aaron breathe without having an opinion, meddles and tries to convince him not to choose Rob. that definitely affects his choice as well. but if I'm going to be absolutely honest she's not entirely wrong. choosing Rob at that point would mean being alone and waiting for phone calls a few times a week. and still Aaron would have made that choice if not talked out of it. I don't know how anyone can have watched all of Robron and Bearon's stories play out and doubt for even a second that if Rob was there, Aaron would choose him every time over any other person. concerning Liv, well. in that case I think it makes even more sense for Aaron to choose Ben tbh. his and Liv's relationship has been fucked up from the start. remember how creepily jealous Liv was of Rob right away, even before she and Aaron properly knew each other. they have continued to be co-dependent af and overly wrapped up in each other ever since - esp. Liv's way of relating to Aaron is just not healthy. you shouldn't be jealous of your brother's partners, period. and she continues relapsing, despite Aaron's support. they've had years of fixing their relationship, of changing and making it healthier, and they haven't managed. distancing himself from her is the right choice imo. he has tried to support her and be there for her for years and it hasn't worked. he isn't going to be able to help her stay sober as long as their relationship is such that the second he thinks of maybe prioritizing someone else over her, she falls apart. her sobriety can not be dependent on "as long as my brother is by my side every day and I feel that I'm the most important person to him." she needs support but he isn't the right person to give her that. she needs to learn to be independent from him and deal with her almost emotionally incestuous relationship with him if she is ever to grow as a person. and that is never going to happen as long as they live together or even live in the same village. so choosing to go with Ben over staying with her shows self-preservation, which isn't exactly common for Aaron. and tbh I think that’s a good thing.
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TW alcohol abuse - I've been a binge drinker for a long time. Too long. And I'm finally stopping. I've heard of these moderation programs, where you're abstinent for a while, then can have like, 1-2 drinks after a year or something. Do you or your followers know anything about that? AA never appealed to me... (too rigid and religious). I also keep going between thinking, nbd, I've been sober lots of times, and oh my god, was that my last drink ever, I want people to just love and hug me?
hey there, sweetie. i'm so, so proud of you for choosing recovery. i can't imagine how hard that is, but i think it's really brave and strong of you to take that difficult path.
i'm afraid i'm not an expert when it comes to addiction or alcoholism, but i do have an addiction tag (and a smaller alcoholism tag) that will have good advice, such as an alternative to AA called SMART recovery that isn't religious.
i haven't heard of the moderation programs you described, but from what i do know about addiction, i gotta say that it sounds like asking for trouble. however, i do think that moderation itself is an entirely reasonable goal if you can't at present stand the idea of being permanently sober. cold turkey works for some people, but not for others.
maybe instead of thinking "this is my last drink ever", try thinking "this is my last drink for [x amount of time]" and try to make that time a little longer each time. a week, two weeks, three weeks, a month. you don't need to face 'never again' right now, just try 'until x'. get more used to sobriety without it carrying the pressure of forever.
like i said, i'm definitely not an expert on addiction, but i do think that one of the reasons that people relapse in addictions or transfer from one addiction to the other is because they're not dealing with the underlying issues that drove them to addiction in the first place. not that i'm saying addiction is simply a choice; if you haven't before, i highly recommend reading this post about what causes addiction, because it was a huge eye-opener for me and likely could be for you too.
the tl;dr version is that addiction isn't a weakness and it isn't a disease, it's a normal and predictable response when reality is unbearable. when humans (and, in this case, rats) are placed in a situation that they can't mentally or emotionally cope with, of course they turn to substance abuse. but when the same animals are properly cared for and have a good sense of community, they voluntarily turn down the same substances. happy creatures don't need or want reality-altering substances, because reality isn't unbearable.
it sounds to me like you're dealing with a lot of pain and loneliness, so it makes total sense that you turned to alcohol to cope. but while i believe in your strength and courage, i'm worried that if you try to just stop drinking, you'll either relapse bad enough that you become convinced that sobriety isn't possible, or you'll just wind up with another addiction. i'm not here to lecture you, but if you want to be successful, you probably need to dig deeper.
i know that's a lot harder for you to do than it is for me to say, but i also know that you deserve help for your pain. it is completely and totally normal for you to want to be hugged and loved, because we, like the rats in that post, are social creatures. we're not made to be isolated and neglected; we suffer when we go without touch and contact and conversation and interaction. there is nothing wrong with you wanting those things. it is the most natural thing in the world for humans to want love and contact with each other. we need other people so much that putting prisoners is solitary isolation is considered torture.
so i think that as you pursue sobriety, you need to pursue a way to deal with the things you're drinking to escape. those SMART people can probably help, but i also have a therapy resources tag that has a lot of stuff you can check out. if you want to look at more resources without telling me specifics, here's my whole resources masterpost.
one more bit of advice, because i can probably relate to the pain of not drinking via my chronic pain: you can't just sit there and not do something, you have to fill that absence with something positive. i cope with the long, slow hours of pain so much better when i actually do something than when i just sit there waiting for time to pass. even if it's just like, watching a documentary about elephants or sword-making, or something that uses your hands, like making a friendship bracelet or a pie, do something. this is my distractions tag, it will have some suggestions. do something educational-but-fun, do something productive-but-fun, and do something creative. throw some spaghetti at the wall of your brain and see what sticks.
i hope something here, helps, hon, and best of luck to you. don't give up, okay? you can do this.
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gothamcityangst · 2 years
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I posted 237 times in 2021
207 posts created (87%)
30 posts reblogged (13%)
For every post I created, I reblogged 0.1 posts.
I added 348 tags in 2021
#g-c-a - 146 posts
#jonathan crane - 34 posts
#edward nygma - 30 posts
#riddler - 29 posts
#scarecrow - 27 posts
#killer croc - 20 posts
#harley quinn - 18 posts
#waylon jones - 16 posts
#whump - 14 posts
#poison ivy - 14 posts
Longest Tag: 126 characters
#i should know about the food part. i get so anxious and then my gf is like 'did you eat today?' and i'm like oh shit you right
My Top Posts in 2021
#5
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Jonathan, under the influence of his own fear toxin, imagines himself stuck in a dilapidated Arkham with no means of escape. All he can do is curl up on the cot and wait for the nightmare to end.
48 notes • Posted 2021-04-29 01:37:37 GMT
#4
(I’m awful at remembering which ones you’ve done before so feel free to ignore this if you’ve already answered one like this!)
What do you think would happen if one of the rogues (preferably Edward, Jonathan or Jervis) had ‘cleaned up their act’ then ended up relapsing into being a villain again? I could see a lot of angst just surrounding the whole internal conflict of trying to get better vs still being treated like a villain.
Bonus points if they’re trying it on their own without really warning anyone so they still have to worry about the police/batman which adds a whole second layer to their issue!
NOW, THIS IS SOME GOOD CONTENT! You're fine! I think I've only touched on it but never really gone in-depth.
I'll do all three because I love the dork squad!!!
JONATHAN
Jonathan relapses because it's impossible for him to find a job outside of Halloween. They purposefully released him around Halloween thinking he'd be stable. And he was. Until November 1st. After his Halloween charm has worn off he tries to apply to teaching jobs again. It obviously doesn't work. He gets set up working in a library that hires offenders. It works for Jon for a little while, he can spend his days mostly alone with a cup of coffee and pumpkin pie while reading a good horror novel. Jonathan feels content until he falls into a routine. A routine which quickly turns sour when people cop onto who he really is. He gets Karen's yelling at him, he gets books thrown at his head as he's trying to work and he can't go a single day without someone verbally abusing him.
This leads Jon into a depression spiral. The Library job is nice but with the constant abuse from 'civilised' members of the public he can't truly enjoy it. The Scarecrow was the only thing that brings him genuine joy and pleasure. Scarecrow is like his other half and without him he feels incomplete. He starts to miss his work shifts in favour of staying in his home and looking after his little pet crow.
Jon snaps one day. It isn't any one thing in particular that sets him off he just decides he's had enough. He drowns the library in fear toxin and runs out manically screaming. He knows he'll be sent back but he doesn't care. He will take all the jailtime in the world if it means he doesn't have to deal with his depression again.
EDWARD
Edward is the quickest to relapse. It can't be helped that Gotham is full of idiots. He tried to capatalise on his fame as an ex supervillian and it worked for a bit. He'd get interviews, sponsorships and attention. He loved being in the spotlight and genuinely it was very good for him. It fulfilled his need for positive attention.
When the attention moves onto newer and shinier people that's when he started to slip. He tried his best to regain his post release fame but it never happened. He tried to collaborate with puzzle makers but most didn't want to touch him with a 10ft pole. Ed is so busy with trying to get his fame back he starts to miss more and more of his therapy sessions, his mental health reverts back and this time its even worse. The higher they rise the harder they fall as the saying goes. He goes down the douchy celebrity route of being a dick to people and getting into fights. Bad attention is better then none at all. When he realizes he's become the main focus of trash media outlets he sinks further and further.
One night he see an interview with the Joker on TV and that's the final straw. One death trap later and he finds himself in the back of the Batmobile with a broken arm and black eye. Batman actually expresses sever disappointment in him. Edward expresses he has enough disappointment for the both of them.
When the Batmobile pulls up to Arkham there's not a single reporter in sight and Ed is silently destoryed.
JERVIS
Jervis would last the longest out of all of them before relapsing. He'd be working in a small store. He relapses because too many things would remind him of Alice in Wonderland. The small grocery store he was placed in has a small frumpy woman who shouts till she's red in the face. There's another ex rogue named Temple whose obsessed with keeping track of time. And of course a teenage employee who's always smoking behind the store like Absolem the caterpiller.
Jervis is prone to getting abuse from the police seeing as he mind controlled a lot of their 'brothers in blue'. The cops come in for doughnuts and they always pick on him when they come into the store. The store is well known for hiring ex cons so they're aware they can get away with abusing employees. He comes home from many a shift with coffee creamer in his hair and a soup tin sized bruise on his back.
Jervis is trying so damn hard. He's trying harder then he ever has before in his life. With the combination of the cops and his coworkers he comes to a realization. He hates the real world. The real world is cold and callous and cruel. Jervis much prefers to go back to his own perfect Wonderland. And if going back to his Wonderland means have to go back to Arkham then that was the toll he was willing to pay.
His story ends with him being hauled back to Arkham after mind controlling everyone in the store and executing the vicious officers who were so needlessly cruel to him.
49 notes • Posted 2021-07-26 22:05:56 GMT
#3
An AU where both Bruce and Talia die and it leaves a heartbroken Alfred to raise baby Damien. Dick and Jason obviously step up and offer help but Alfred is insistent that it should be him to raise the little lad. After all he promised once long ago to raise the children of the murdered Waynes.
Alfred forgot how long and tired the nights are with a newborn. The constant feeding, the changing of diapers and the never ending worry. Alfred shouldn't be doing it at his age but Damien's the only piece of Bruce he has left. Of course that's not to discredit any of the batkids but he looks at Damien's dark and whispy hair with the Wayne's dark eyes and his grief softens. Not by a lot but it helps a little. The tired nights become worth it to see the child smile.
It still wrecks him. Having a baby means there is little time to grieve. Little Damien is very fussy and the running about puts a lot on him. He's wrecking himself to make sure the child has a normal life. That's all he wants for the child. No supers, no battles. Just a normal, boring life.
This decision splits the family. Dick, Tim and Barbara agree. Jason, Cass and Stephanie do not. Their reasoning being that Damien's heritage is going to come back for him at some point and he needs to be ready, wether it be on his mother's side with the league or his father's side with the rogues.
So not only does Alfred have to worry about a baby he also has to worry about keeping what's left of the family together.
53 notes • Posted 2021-09-04 00:17:23 GMT
#2
How different rogues react to losing a loved one (s/o).
Scarecrow
Clinical but devastated. Throws himself into his work to distract himself from the pain of losing his s/o. He acts like it didn't affect him that much but he's in agony. He's known many types of torture but nothing compared to the torture of losing his s/o. He'd do everything in his power to bring s/o back and he didn't care how many men, women and children he'd have to kill to make it happen.
Selina
Selina would try and play it cool in front of the others, showing a normal amount of grief but behind closed doors, she's lost. She felt that s/o was the best thing in her life and now there's nothing. s/o was the person that made Selina want to become a better person and without them, she falls back into some unfortunate bad habits. She knows it wouldn't be what s/o wanted for her but it's easier to pretend they never existed than to trying to deal with the fact they're gone.
Jervis
His beautiful Alice is gone, the story has ended but he doesn't know that. He refuses to believe s/o is dead. Plain and simple. He'd probably dance around with s/o's corpse in a delusional state. It's just painful for everyone involved. When reality finally sets in it gets even uglier. He kills anyone who even remotely reminds him of s/o. In his mind, they're trying to copy s/o's traits to hurt him and he simply can't have that. His Alice...
Bane
Bane smashes everything in his path. A mixture of grief and roid rage will do that to him. s/o was the only comfort in his cold and callous world. s/o was the only one who saw beyond his muscles. s/o was the one who'd calm him after Venom and bring him water, spooning him during his withdrawals. If s/o went out Bane's going out too and he's bringing all of Gotham with him.
100 notes • Posted 2021-08-19 20:41:29 GMT
#1
A rogue who's fallen for Bruce Wayne finds out they're actually Batman and all hell breaks loose. They cry and scream their head off. They feel a deep betrayal they've never known before. They want to kill Bruce for doing what they did. I can imagine it ending with a rooftop battle where the rogue breaks down.
They hold a gun to Batman's head. They're the closest they've ever come to killing Batman but Bruce's mask has broken and they can see a little bit of his face.
They can't go through with it. Falling to their knees in despair they begin to weep. Batman goes to hug them but all they can do is push him away.
103 notes • Posted 2021-05-18 19:53:24 GMT
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shyrose57 · 3 years
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2nd part than.
8: (This ones longgggg) Their rooms all have the same beige (like brown mushroom color) walls and floors. As their not allowed to change that. But Watson has some bookshelves in his room along with a old adventurer cape that goes in front of his body and hangs to his ankles (Item-Ya Adventurer Cape is a perfect example. Idk the actual name for the kind of cape it is), some display cases featuring his strongest bows and arrows, along with a sword and axe, along with pictures of the group toghere and pictures from his travels on the walls, he has a single lone desk that is only used when designing new bows or arrows. Ran also has bookshelves, but his is bigger and takes up a whole wall, he also as a winter cape with fur on its shoulders hung up (he lived in a snow biome for a little while and made the cape himself), along with a single weapon case that features a lone damaged neitherite sword, he also has chests stacked along a wall filled with random stuff that he sometimes gives as gifts or uses to throw at people. Jackie has a few paintings and posters in his room, along with the only carpet in any bedroom (that he totally didnt steal from Grievous), a panting easel, he has a single display case in his room that displays the sword Porkius gave him for winning, theres also pictures of the group toghere and a small chest next to his bed filled with things that belongs to someone in the group. Grievous has a small bookshelf (one book is a naming book Watson jokingly gave him), a chest filled to the brim with blankets and pillows (cause for him comfort is a necessity), he also has a desk that he tends to fall asleep at when doing literally anything on it. Everyone also has a good sized wardrobe somewhere in their room that is filled with different outfits and w statue stands with either iron armour or empty. There is also a four-way-bunkbed in the living room/area, they typically use it when someone is having or had a very bad day and needs comfort, or when Jackie's separation anxiety is bad and needs to sleep with everyone nearby. 
Ran loves reading and sometimes gets mad when someone intrupts his reading. Watson loves designing new bows and arrows and just designing weapons in general (Grievous does too and helps him sometimes). Jackie likes to paint and has a interest in adventuring one day. They are well known but only in Subbin and surrounding cities. Though word does travel about them at times which can bring people to Subbin. They have 2 titles actually! First is used in typical matches, while the second is used in more formal or serious matches (like those for general). Ran: The Enderman, Partikel Tari (Dancing Particles, referencing how when he fights when serious its like he's dancing as he teleports around the field). Watson: The Archer, Multi (Referencing how he has more experience than anyone in the use of all kinds of weapons and can quickly adjust to situations). Grievous: Multi-Named, Unpredictable (referring to how he is by far the most unpredictable person in serious battles). Jackie: The Child, Diremehake (Underestimated, referring to how he gets underestimated a lot during any battle). They get recognized quite often and get called their stage names, when they dont want to deal with people recognizing them they often either yell at them to go away or just run away. 
9: They do all of the above! It depends on the match up (Jackie and Watson stay out of eachothers way mostly, Ran and Grievous make it one on one, and Ran and Jackie take them out quick). Oh the first time Ran threw Jackie was hailours. You could hear Watson screaming from the stands in fear and Jackie just head-butted the guy in the stomach. Then when Jackie recovered he just yelled for Ran to throw him again, and once again you could hear Watson screaming no and threats at them from the stands. Ran agreed and threw Jackie at the last person, who he just bear hugged as he hit and held them down. Then after the battle Watson smacked the two and chastised them.
10: At first he drops stuff and trips over his feet on a regular basis. But after about 3 weeks he fully regains his balance, and is able to finally walk without tripping at the start. While the attempts at bonding do work to get Ranbob and Cletus closer the two never get as close as the rest. Neither can really name what's stopping them from getting closer though. For the first week people need to constantly remind Ranbob to do all of those things. As he thinks the constant hunger, thirst, and tiredness is all normal when its not and their trying to get him to understand that. And while he eventually starts to do it himself, theres still some nights where he doesnt eat or drink or sleep. They just leave the two in the house, but later they do start to expand the house a bit to fit the new addition. He does not get his own place up, he just gives up after some time. He doesn't fall asleep out there to often thankfully, but since the house keeps falling on him he does get cuts and bruises quite often. He gets stuck in a rain storm only 2 times which isn't bad, but he does get semi-bad burns from them sadly that Benjamin has to sit him down for and have Charles distract him for long enough to wrap his wounds properly. And it only took Benjamin like 4 weeks before he finally got fed up and forced him inside and had him stay with them. He has dealt with a storm before when he was young! But it was when he was about 12 so its been a long while. 
11: He spends all of his free time glaring at them. And for the first few days whenever he sees someone from his group hanging around his brothers, he'll go over and pick em up and just carry them away. The fishermen worry for a bit that Ran may hurt them, but Watson assured them that Ran knows the two groups like eachother and wouldn't hurt them incase that could hurt his families feelings. 
12: Ranbob is extremely happy about potentially getting new members of his family! And eagerly tries to talk with them. But Ran is far less happy and actively avoids them (and drags his family away at times).
13: At the start they have no idea where their going. But when Grievous brings up about Rans damaged sword they decide to find a nether portal so they can find whats needed to repair his sword! And Watson decides on the way he can show them all the different biomes in the world, which Jackie is extremely excited for. 
14: If the fishermen get separated from Ranbob for too long he actively goes and searches for them. And refuses to stop until he finds them. When upset Ran loves to pick up members of his Haunting, though he doesnt do them often as he knows his Haunting doesn't like it when he does it to often. He and Ranbob also pick up blocks though as it's a comfort action and soothes them. Cuddles piles do happen! They happen more for Ranbob to comfort him after a nightmare or just a bad day, or when he basically relapses and wants to go back to Dream. But cuddle piles are more rare in Rans group, as cuddle piles only happen when anyone is doing really badly mentally or physically and just need comfort, or when they all just need some comfort. But their much more sentimental and have more meaning than Ranbobs groups. 
15: Oh definitely. I forget if I included it when I first introduced my Au. But soon after Ran escaped Mizu, he was hunted for his pearl and respawn ability. Though he killed the people hunting him. Every year he was out of Mizu and every year before he entered Subbin he was hunted by multiple groups. He's become legend just for avoiding so many groups and killing a vast majority of them. He's known as the "Green Eyed Enderman." and is a top goal amongst hunters. There are some times Ran got jumped in Subbin for being a hybrid but he quickly defeated them. 
Karl has played his role in this! Though maybe I could make it so he comes in later on during a really difficult part between the  brothers, and helps out. Using his own experiences in the SMP and seeing what ruined relationships like brothers does to someone and others, to make sure their relationship doesn't stay so broken and hurt so many people. Maybe at the end I'll have them go back and face Dream so Ranbob (and even Ran slightly, with how Dreams presence affected him) can finally be completely free. As of rn no one has a pet. But that question made me really want to give someone a raven and idk who. I want to have bits of the other Tales in it! Im not quite sure how yet but I want this to be a mostly Tales ONLY au (no main SMP stuff unless needed or necessary) as the Tales don't have enough love. He does write down the experience he had with the Dream Experience and writes down very important things, but other than that he leaves it behind. 
Im really happy to hear that you like my au. I love world and story building a lot and can't control how much I write sometimes, again im sorry this is so long and I'll do my best to not make anything this long ever again. Sorry if this bothered you
8: Sounds pretty interesting, overall. Was Watson-as his cape suggest-perhaps an adventurer? And he designs his own bows and arrows? Very cool. What kind of things does he come up with?  Ran also sounds like he’s traveled a bit. He knows how to sew? Has he ever made anything for anyone else? Where did he get his sword? Jackie’s got a carpet? Very nice, he deserves it. And a painting easel? How good is he at painting? Or is it more of something he’s just trying? Grievous sounds like he could build a very good pillow fort, and honestly, good for him. How often do they camp out in the bunk bed room? 
Ran not liking being interrupted is understandable. Does he ever read to anyone, or is it more some alone time for him? Grievous and Watson must design some terrifying weapons. Where is Jackie looking at adventuring to? Anywhere specific, or just around? And what language(s) is Ran and Jackie’s secondary titles in? Latin? 
9: Very smart of them, means it’ll be harder to pick up a pattern. And hearing about Ran tossing Jackie-I’m laughing. I’m not going to lie, kind of assumed it was planned pre-match, but hearing that they just decided to throw him? Watson’s reaction? Just...hilarious. Was Jackie even prepared for it, or did Ran just toss them without warning? Honestly, it kind of sounds like people might come to the Pit for the comedy just as much for the fighting. If this was the kind of thing that went down, I’d probably come to watch.
10: Oh no, Ranbob! At least he’s getting better. So Cletus and Ranbob never quite click, huh? Well, that’s alright. Sometimes people just don’t. Doesn’t mean they don’t care about each other! Ranbob thinking it’s normal, oh god. Does he ever say something along those lines, or get confused why the others are so worried about it? If so, how do the fishermen react to that question, and how does Ranbob react to the answer. As for the house, well. He can say he tried if nothing else-and hey, funny story to share with the gladiators later on. It’s good that he wasn’t caught in too many storms, less that he was caught in some at all. I’m sure that was a big help in convincing Benjamin to finally just put his foot down, which, honestly good for him. You go, Benjamin!
11: Ran, bud, chill. I like how you said his free time though-my first thought was that he immediately finished a book and went over to glare at them. Probably not true, but a hilarious mental image. Very glad Watson has reassured the fishermen-how did Ranbob react to that worry of theirs?
12: Ran’s actions are pretty understandable, but still a bit sad. How does Ranbob feel about them? Is he resigned? Determined? Upset?
13: Adventure! Into possibly dangerous places! How fun! Can’t wait to see where it goes. What do they see? What’s the first stop? How long are they heading off?
14: He won’t stop? Like, potentially will work himself into the ground won’t stop? Ran just picks up his members like blocks. And, oh boy. Ranbob wanting to go back to Dream? That’s just. Oof. Very much oof. How do the fishermen deal with that, and how do they feel about it?
15: Ran sounds like he’s had a less than enjoyable time out there. Do these hunters ever go after them once they leave Subbin? Do they target Ranbob? I mean, he’s another Endermen hybrid, and one who definitely isn’t as skilled as Ran, or as used to them. He’d be a much easier target.
So Karl’s gonna come in towards the end. Nice. Ran was also affected by Dream? How so? Obviously less than his brother, but did he ever notice? Did Ranbob? Sounds like it’d be a good final showdown, over all.
As for that pet raven, may I offer some suggestions? You could give one to Jackie and Grievous, so it can help them cause havoc, or maybe one to Benjamin, so it can help him keep an eye on his dorks. Maybe even Cletus, to help snag things, and mess with people, or Isaac, maybe to help find things. Even Watson, or one of the brothers, to help keep watch over their groups. Really, you could give any of these guys a raven. Depending on said bird’s personality, it could fit anywhere. Just depends on what you want to do with it.
I completely agree with you, we need more Tales AUs. Ranbob and Ran did come from what was basically a city of historians, perhaps you could use that to tie in the other Tales? Or even have them across the old ruins of areas on their adventure. Even chunk in more time travel, via Karl or otherwise, if you want to toss in more characters.
Ranbob pretty much starts over then. Good for him. How does Ran feel about that? Actually, who was Ran’s idol, and his general life on Mizu, before the Dream incident?
Other questions:
One thing I’d like to know is how the groups react to each other’s experiences and general life styles. Like for one, Ranbob and the fishermen generally seem more physically affectionate with each other, while Ran and the gladiators seem fairly less so, but no less close. 
For another, the fishermen probably still remind Ranbob to eat or sleep, which would probably seem a bit confusing for the gladiators. How much do they know about both sides? Obviously enough for them to want to help get the brothers back together, but like.
How much do the gladiators believe Ranbob’s side. Are they wary, or skeptical, or do they believe it completely, and if so, why? 
How long was Ran left running, evading hunters, and how has that affected him? How many times do both brothers say something concerning, and how do they react to what the other says?
You’ve said Ranbob occasionally relapses and wants to return to Dream. Does this happen on the trip? And if so, how do the gladiators react to such a thing-depending on how much they know about the whole thing, I can imagine mixed reactions. How does Ran react?
How do both groups react to the new endermen hybrids? They seem to have dealt with different instincts before now, so seeing Ranbob trail the fishermen and Ran just pick up the gladiators must be a bit strange. 
What can Ranbob keep down? Not only was Dream in control, and not particularly careful with his body, but supplies were probably also somewhat limited when he did eat. So how has that affected him? 
Are there any nicknames within in the groups? How do the gladiators react to the schedule change, considering they had set times for so much before? How do the fishermen react to the new areas? What habits are/become shared, and what habits are restricted to one group.
In general, just...how the fishermen and the gladiators differ in lifestyles, basically. 
For another, in one of the earlier post, you mentioned both Isaac and Cletus wanted to return to Mizu. Isaac kind of gives me a historian vibe himself, or some sort of archaeologists. Just a kind of person who wants to learn about history-perhaps something to do with the fact that he was played by Karl, and the whole time traveler thing. 
But anyway, what exactly did those two want to do down there? Explore, learn, steal?
And how would you say everyone’s personalities are like? Will you be introducing anymore characters, Tales or otherwise. It’d be interesting to see a Pit version of Tommy, or Puffy, or such.
How does Ran react when he finally accepts the truth, and what exactly pushes him to that? 
Hope this isn’t too many questions. I’m pretty invested, not gonna lie.
And seriously, I don’t mind the length. Long or short, I’m really just happy to hear more about your AU, and I look forward to more.
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