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ibijau · 3 years

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forbidden romance gets a pt2! / on AO3

“It won't work,” Lan Xichen said with great gentleness, clearly worried about hurting Nie Huaisang's feelings.

They'd decided to meet again in that same clearing, after a few secret letters exchanged. Nie Huaisang would have preferred to only talk that way, because he trusted himself to make a person fall in love through poetry more than through his actual personality, but things had been getting... difficult at home.

So there they were again, alone in this isolated little spot of wilderness, hidden among the many shadows of a moonless night. Lan Xichen, this time, was wearing dark blue to better disappear into the night, or perhaps as a small act of rebellion against his sect. Nie Huaisang too wore dark colours, his robes those of a servant. He didn't enjoy the feeling of that rougher fabric, but there had been no choice.

Things were difficult at home.

So difficult that Nie Huaisang had taken the risk of telling Lan Xichen why he'd first tried to contact someone from Gusu Lan, all those weeks ago.

“Music can't heal him then?” Nie Huaisang asked.

“It can,” Lan Xichen corrected. “The issue is that your brother will not allow it.”

“Not if it's you, that's certain,” Nie Huaisang agreed.

He might have said that with a touch more bitterness than he should have. Lan Xichen ever so slightly flinched at the attack, though at least he didn't try to defend himself. Maybe he was feeling guilty over what had happened.

Good.

It was his fault.

“Maybe if it's your uncle who comes play for him?” Nie Huaisang suggested. “Da-ge trusts him.”

“From what you said, I don't think your brother trusts anyone anymore,” Lan Xichen replied. “I cannot blame him for it.”

“He trusts his family,” Nie Huaisang claimed with a confidence that he was far from feeling.

He'd always known that his brother trusted him. They fought and argued and disagreed and bickered, but at the end of the day they trusted each other.

They used to trust each other.

Now Nie Mingjue saw enemies everywhere, and Nie Huaisang had been forbidden to leave the Unclean Realm. For his own safety, his brother had said. And maybe he'd meant it, or maybe he'd held suspicions of some sorts. One of his brothers had just tried to kill him after all, and there were many precedents in history concerning half-brothers scheming against one another for power. Not that Nie Huaisang had ever care for power much, but he couldn't be sure Nie Mingjue remembered that.

“Da-ge has always held his sect dearer than any other leader of a great sect,” Lan Xichen agreed with a fond smile. “And perhaps... Huaisang, are there any musically inclined people among your brother's disciples?”

“No. Some of my cousins play, but very poorly. I think out of everyone in the Unclean Realm, I'm the most talented musician, and that tell you everything you need to know.”

“It does,” Lan Xichen said with a tender expression that made Nie Huaisang feel they probably meant very different things.

“I'm a very poor at it,” Nie Huaisang insisted, opening a fan to hide behind.

“I've heard you say the same thing about painting,” Lan Xichen replied. “And about poetry. I've also heard you say countless time that you never get your way with anything, only to get everyone to do exactly as you like. I think you're not always the best judge of your own abilities, Huaisang.”

That was a very low blow, especially when Lan Xichen had the guts of smiling. A real smile, that was, not the empty expression he usually had when talking to people, and which made him look like a doll, pretty and sweet but ultimately dull.

“I didn't take you for a sweet talker, er-ge,” Nie Huaisang said.

“I don't take myself for one either. I haven't said anything I don't mean,” Lan Xichen insisted, before reaching out to take Nie Huaisang's hand in his.

Nie Huaisang's other hand tightened on his fan, his face burning in spite of the cold of night. Which wouldn't do at all. He was the one supposed to be seducing Lan Xichen into actually helping!

“Er-ge, I'm very glad you think so well of me, but I simply cannot...”

“Do you play the guqin?” Lan Xichen asked, and it was so rare for him to interrupt anyone that Nie Huaisang could only silently nod.

He felt a pang of regret when Lan Xichen let go of his hand. He was only missing the warmth, he told himself. Then he saw Lan Xichen produce a guqin from a qiankun pouch, and regret was soon replaced by panic.

“You're not serious,” Nie Huaisang gasped, watching as Lan Xichen carefully set the instrument on the smoothest patch of ground to be found in the clearing.

“I am very serious,” Lan Xichen replied after sitting down, making a gesture to invite Nie Huaisang to do the same. “You've said this place is isolated, and I need to hear you play to find out if you might be taught Cleansing.”

Nie Huaisang shivered at the name of that song, and glared at the guqin.

“Isn't that song a Lan secret?”

“I have previously obtained permission to teach it to an outsider to help with da-ge's poor health,” Lan Xichen said. “I believe I am still within the perimeter of what was granted to me.”

It surprised Nie Huaisang that Lan Xichen could twist the truth like that. In other circumstances, he might have been impressed. At the moment though, he was little inclined to think well of Lan Xichen.

“Considering what happened last time, I'm surprised you're sticking to that plan,” Nie Huaisang said, only to regret it when pain flashed on the other man's face.

“It would be different this time,” Lan Xichen replied, lowering his gaze, though he could not hide the slight trembling in his voice. “I know I misjudged A-Yao. Your brother was right, and I was wrong. But when it comes to you, da-ge and I have always been of a same mind. If I cannot trust you to save him, there isn't a person in the world I can trust.”

That might have been the nicest thing anyone had ever said about Nie Huaisang.

It might also be the most overestimated he'd ever been in his life. Because while he would very gladly do almost anything to save his brother, as long as if didn't involved getting dirty, or physical effort, or indeed efforts of any sort at all... well, the fact still remained that Nie Huaisang had no cultivation to speak of, no friends to rely on, and no useful skill of any sorts.

And yet knowing all this, Nie Huaisang still found himself sitting down on the dirt next to that damn guqin. He closed his fan, stretched his fingers, and tried to recall one of the few melodies he'd ever bothered to learn before he'd decided that music was too much work. It had been so long, though, and instead his mind provided him with the only piece of music that had been on his mind in recent weeks.

It took a dozen notes at most for Lan Xichen to realise what Nie Huaisang had chosen to play. He stiffened and went pale, but did not order Nie Huaisang to stop. On the contrary he listened attentively through the whole piece, though at one point Nie Huaisang must have made some great mistake because Lan Xichen frowned and couldn't refrain a grimace of distaste. It only lasted a short while though, after which his expression turned more neutral again until Nie Huaisang was done playing.

“As I've said, I have very little skill,” Nie Huaisang said, putting his hands on his knees. “You'll need another...”

“I assume you've never seen the score of Cleansing?” Lan Xichen asked.

“No. San-ge was always worried about me dirtying it. It made me real mad, too! I'm only a little clumsy!”

“So you just played it by ear?” Lan Xichen insisted. “I don't recall that I ever played it in your presence though.”

Nie Huaisang shook his head.

“I spied on them,” he confessed. “San-ge didn't want for me to hear him play it because he said it might have a bad effect on me, seeing as I didn't need it. But I was curious. And bored. And I don't like being told what to do.”

To his disappointment, Lan Xichen didn't smile at that little joke, and only grew more serious.

“And you played it exactly as he did?”

“As close to it as I can do with my skill. Do you... do think that was the wrong version of the song?”

“A whole passage is different,” Lan Xichen confirmed. “It's... Huaisang, are you well?”

Nie Huaisang shook his head. He felt like screaming, and he felt like crying.

That time he'd spied on Jin Guangyao and Nie Mingjue to hear Cleansing had been the very first time Jin Guangyao played the song alone for their brother. If Cleansing had already been altered back then, it meant...

Somehow, Nie Huaisang had convinced himself that the attempt on his brother's life had just been that one bad healing session. Nie Huaisang had been so fond of Jin Guangyao before this whole business, he hadn't wanted to imagine the other man could be cruel. Ruthless, yes, but he was a Jin after all so it was to be expected, and every sect engaged in a little murder here and there. But this hadn't just been murder. It had been torture. A healing song modified until it became painful to whoever heard it, until it drove them to madness, to no longer knowing friend from foe.

Suddenly, Nie Huaisang found himself a little more willing to believe some rumours he'd heard, about Jin Guangyao having served Wen Ruohan as the chief inventor of his torture playground. He'd always dismissed it as impossible, since Jin Guangyao was so sweet and soft spoken. But it took a certain kind of mind to do what Jin Guangyao had done to Nie Mingjue.

“I'm going to kill him,” Nie Huaisang hissed.

“I don't think da-ge would want for you to become a murderer,” Lan Xichen replied, ever practical and sensible.

He would have been right, once. Nie Mingjue wanted for his little brother to be stronger so he could protect himself, he'd never aimed to turn Nie Huaisang into a killer.

Now, though, nobody really knew what Nie Mingjue wanted, himself least of all.

“We'll see in time how to ensure those who harmed da-ge pay for what they've done,” Lan Xichen promised, leaning toward Nie Huaisang to put one hand on his shoulder. It felt comforting, more than it had any right to do. “For now, let's focus on healing da-ge,” Lan Xichen continued. “I was right to suspect you're a better musician than you said. I think you really can do this, with a little work. I'm going to leave that guqin with you so you can practice, and next time we meet I'll bring you the score for Cleansing so you may learn to play the true song. That will leave us only with the problem of how to get da-ge to listen to it but... I'm sure you'll find something. You've always been so good at getting him to do what you want.”

That was asking too much, Nie Huaisang thought. He was only himself. Even if he learned the score, his cultivation was too low, his brother's patience too thin. It would surely go very wrong, the way everything kept going wrong lately.

If it had been anyone else telling him he could save his brother, Nie Huaisang would have laughed to their face, or suspected them of manipulation. But Lan Xichen was the sort of person who would say nothing to avoid saying something he didn't believe in, or else he would quietly change the subject, or ask for another person's opinion, or...

Lan Xichen, as far as Nie Huaisang knew, just didn't lie.

Meaning he had to really think Nie Huaisang could do this. That he could master the guqin in just a few weeks, and also master a song that Lan Xichen himself has often described as particularly complex.

It was ridiculous, and Nie Huaisang was too realistic to have any faith in himself, but...

But perhaps it would be enough that Lan Xichen believed in him.

It made him want to make an effort to try, at least.

#xisang #nie huaisang #lan xichen #mo dao zu shi #forbidden romance au #don't really know where I'm going with this #nhs is falling faster than planned oops #jau writes

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rafecameron · 4 years

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idk if u do rqst but i love ur writing! can u do jj x reader in a secret relationship bc shes a kook & also kiara’s enemy? maybe kiara having a lil crush on jj and when she found out, thats when the drama happens? kie confronts y/n and they get into a fight!! 🤭 im sorry if you dont do requests ): just ignore this then!

thank you so much for requesting! I haven’t written for JJ in so long I hope this is okay!

You didn’t necessarily enjoy sneaking around. You hated lying to your friends about where you were and what you were doing but you knew it was for the best. You knew your friends would look down on you for dating a pogue, but that wasn’t even what you were worried about. It was his friends. One friend in particular. Kiara. You knew kiara from school and you even used to hang out with her during her kook year. You were never what you would have called friends but you got along and were civil so when she completely turned on you at the end of last year you were more than a little surprised.

You had tried to talk to her, even if you didn’t much care for her you didn’t want any animosity between the two of you. But she hadn’t wanted to know and you’d given up trying pretty quickly. If she wanted to isolate herself from the whole school then you’d leave her to it. You never imagined your paths would have to cross much again besides sharing the same maths class. But then JJ had happened. And it hadn’t meant to happen.

You’d been at a kegger, nothing unusual about that. But your friend had ditched you to hook up with a touron so you’d found yourself wandering around the fire pit alone and more than a little intoxicated. That’s when you’d bumped into him. You’d seen him around before but you’d never spoken nor had the chance to get a god look at him. And now you had? You were enchanted. His messy blonde hair wasn’t something you’d usually find attractive but it suited him. You got lost in his blue eyes, eyes full of hope and laughter. You’d spent hours sitting with him, talking and laughing. Until kiara had appeared and all but ripped him from your side.

“Kiara what the hell?” You’d asked jumping up from the log you were sat on with a glare.

“Stay the hell away from my friends.” She spat back with a scowl to match yours.

JJ had intervened before a fight could break out, he held kiara back, profusely apologising to you before pulling her away. He’d found you on Instagram the day after and sent you another apology and since then you’d been practically inseparable.

“Do you think we will ever tell anyone?” You ask. Your chin was resting against JJ’s chest as you looked up at him, the sunlight coming through your window casting an ethereal glow across his tanned skin.

“I dunno y/n.” JJ sighs, he hated when you brought this topic up, “it’s complicated.”

“I know,” you lift your head, reaching a hand up to caress his cheek lightly, “but I mean in the future. Surely we can’t hide forever.”

JJ lifts his head, eyes softening as they meet yours, “one day yeah. Don’t think I don’t ever want the whole world to know you’re mine, cause I do.”

You quickly crawl up his chest and plant a kiss to his lips, the smile on your face making it hard to kiss him properly, “I want the whole world to know I’m yours. I want kiara to know I’m yours, so she can stop eyeing you up.”

JJ rolls his eyes and drops his head back with a groan, “not this again,” you hear him sigh, “she does not have a crush on me, y/n.”

“Yes she does!” You sit up, straddling his lap so you could look down at his face, “you don’t see the way she looks at you! Also, you’re completely oblivious to everything. I was dropping hints for weeks before finally out right saying I liked you.” You roll your eyes.

“That was different! I just convinced myself you would never be interested in a pogue like me.” JJ looks up at you, a small shrug rolling off his shoulders.

“JJ you know I don’t care about that stuff.” You lean down placing a kiss lightly to his lips.

“I know that now.” JJ replies, placing his hands on your hips as he kisses you again.

—-

It had been months since you’d started dating JJ, seven to be exact. And you’d both done a pretty good job at hiding the fact from other people. Your parents were out most of the time and your neighbours were elderly so it wasn’t hard to sneak him in and out of your house. You’d been to his a couple of times but he liked to keep you away from his dad as much as possible and you were perfectly okay with that.

You were currently attending what you were sure would be the last kegger of the year as the nights were starting to get noticeably colder as winter rolled around. You had a hoodie on, oversized and pulled over your hands to protect against the chill. You found it increasingly hard to stay away from JJ at keggers, because every time your eyes found him there was some touron trying desperately to get into his pants. You trusted JJ but that didn’t mean you liked to see it.

Your eyes were only pulled away from the blonde as a commotion broke out behind you. You weren’t at all surprised to see Rafe tackling someone to the ground, Topper not far behind him. Before you knew it there was at least eight people rolling around in the sand fighting. You tried to get away from the punches but before you knew it someone had been thrown in your direction, tumbling into your legs and pulling you to the ground with them. You let out a squeal as you fell backwards into the sand, hurting your lower back as you landed.

“Get off of me.” You growled pushing the drunk kook away from your legs.

“Y/N!” You heard your name being shouted, the kook was lifted away from you and chucked into the sand and suddenly JJ’s concerned face appeared in front of yours, “are you okay?” He asks his hands coming to rest on your shoulders as he looks you up and down for any obvious injuries.

“I’m fine.” You smile resting your hands gently on his wrists, “my back hurts a little but I’ll be okay. People will see.” You tried to pry his hands away but he wouldn’t let you.

“I don’t care, that asshole could have seriously hurt you!” JJ complains, his hand moves to your cheek, “are you sure you’re okay?”

You open your mouth but you don’t get a chance to reply. “What the hell is this?” Kiara asks appearing behind JJ with a look of disgust on her face, “JJ? What the fuck?”

JJ looks at her over his shoulder, his brows furrowed in a scowl, “back off kiara, nows not the time.”

“I think nows a perfect time to explain what the fucks going on.” She crosses her arms in front of her chest as her friends join her, confused looks crossing their faces.

“Kiara-“ you begin but she cuts you off.

“I wasn’t talking to you! I swear to god if you’re messing with him I’ll beat the crap out of you.” Kiara steps forward, popes hand on her shoulder stops her.

JJ stands up, helping you up with him, “she’s not messing with me! We’ve been dating for seven months. We didn’t tell you because we knew this is how you’d react.”

“Seven months?” Kiara splutters out, “what the hell? If you’re using him for some plot to get back at me-“

“I’m not using him!” You step around JJ and closer to Kiara, “I have no plot to get back at you because I have no reason to! You’re the one with a problem here not me! I’m sorry that you’re like in love with him or something but he isn’t interested!”

“I’m not in love with him, you have no idea what you’re talking about.” Kiara steps forward again, now only inches separating the two of you.

“Okay let’s calm down a minute.” John B speaks up pulling Kiara back as JJ tugs on your arm, “I think we should hear them out before starting any fights.”

“Look, I’m sorry that I’ve been lying to you guys, but I knew the reaction we’d get. And we really like each other, we didn’t want anything to ruin it.” JJ explains with a sigh, “and in y/n’s defense, she wanted to come clean months ago, it was me who said no.”

“Well I didn’t see this coming.” Pope speaks up but he smiles and lets out a chuckle, “it explains why you’ve been so damn happy lately man.”

“You’ve really been dating for seven months?” John B asks with raised brows, you both simply nod in answer, “Look, I’m okay with it. Like Pope said, this is the happiest we’ve seen you in a long time.”

“Well I am not okay with this!” Kiara cuts in with a frown, “you know how I feel about her! I can’t believe you guys don’t even care.” She shoots you another glare before turning on her heel and storming off.

The boys watch her walk away for a few seconds before turning back to you, “we’ll talk to her, she’ll come around.” John B sighs and hurried after her.

“I’m happy for you guys!” Pope calls over his shoulder with a grin as he follows after his friend.

JJ lets out a huff of breath he hadn’t realised he’d been holding, “that went bad, but not nearly as bad as I expected.”

“Are you kidding? She wanted to smash my face in!” You complain.

“Babe, she always wants to smash your face in.” JJ looks at you with a cheeky grin, “but at least I can do this now.”

He grabs your hips and leans forward, his lips meet yours in a slow kiss, your arms wrap around his neck and hold him close to you, “and I don’t care who sees.” He mumbles against your lips before connecting them again.

#jj maybank x reader #jj maybank imagine #jj maybank #outer banks #outer banks fic #outer banks imagine #my writing #requested

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uneryx · 3 years

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A story + some advice

Once upon a time, back in 2009, I was “cancelled”.

We didn’t call it that, back then, but basically, after making a shitty, sanctimonious post, nearly every online friend I had made told me to go fuck myself and stopped talking to me. [below the cut - the story, plus some advice to the TDP fandom about toxic fans, consequences, and bad fan behavior from someone who has both been both accuser and defendant. This isn’t a Pity Me post, btw, just me trying to neutrally describe a Bad Time and draw comparisons to an ongoing situation to express both sympathy and clearly state that sometimes consequences are deserved.]

Oh, I had my reasons for the post I made. I was living with my parents, and they had discovered my secret livejournal. After several hours of screaming matches I was given the ultimatum - quit livejournal and LJRP forever, or move out with nothing but my car, my clothes, and the $60 I had in the bank. I chose not being homeless.

As part of this, I was allowed to make one final LJ post - a goodbye, telling people where I was, a (heavily edited) version of what happened and a plea to all my LJ friends to consider that they too might be “addicted to the internet” and they should “save themselves”. It was self-righteous and unwelcome, and my mother had no compunctions showing me the comments telling me to kill myself, get fucked, etc. It was devastating, and I spent the end of 2009 and the beginning of 2010 completely socially isolated, with no one but my parents for friendship. Needless to say, it blew. Some of those friendships came back, either because those friends had the patience and kindness to understand my situation/hadn’t taken it so personally, or because after years (and I do mean literal years, like... 5+ years), mutual forgiveness happened. But not all of them. There are people who I spoke with daily who i haven’t spoken to in 12 years and I wonder what they’re up to now. Good things, I hope. I wish them nothing but success and happiness. But I had been an asshole and made a post that hurt people, and promptly been shown the door. And I don’t expect anyone to forgive me for being an asshole, even if my own circumstances were pretty dire. I made the choices that I did, and live with the consequences of those choices. That’s... just being an adult. Now. Lets talk about TDP and a certain she who will not be named. Miss thing has said and done some things that are high on my bad-fan-behavior list. She’s tagged the official account in a plea to have them mediate her fandom drama. She posted a suicide threat in the main fandom hashtag, without any warnings or tw tags, just right there for any and everyone to see. She’s made some pretty harsh accusations of other fans of bullying, harassment and death threats, but has produced no receipts or proof, which - in this day and age - is pretty important when making such a serious allegation - meaning I have to assume she’s making it up. She’s defended JKR and said that calling ol’ Joanne a TERF is unwarranted, claimed that “biological gender” can’t be ignored, whined about “liberal privilege,” and claimed that white people experience racism too because there isn’t enough “Tuscan rep.” (girl, what? Tuscany? I guarandamntee you more white people know what Tuscan culture looks like than Fillipino or Indigenous culture, what the hell.) She asks her followers to brigade and harass other fans as well as the people she’s accused, and blows things out of proportion... and then has had repeated histrionic meltdowns in the main fandom hashtag, the public square of fandom, over one of these big name fans allegedly getting other fans to block her (still, no receipts). I feel like I shouldn’t have to say this, but the claims she’s making are not true. If you know the ppl in question and follow them for any length of time, that is not the people who they are and they would never. Furthermore, trying to get Wonderstorm involved like they’re the fan police is, as i have said in my most popular post this week, bad. It’s bad. It’s bad fan behavior and being called out for it is deserved. So why am I telling you my sob story and then whipping around to talk about a similar story? Because I deserved being cancelled. I said something shitty - even if my circumstances were understandable and sympathetic! But what I did with that is attacked and harmed other people. Attacking and harming others and making your drama and mental health public is toxic. People have a right to call you out, block you, and stop interacting with you if your behavior is harmful to them and the people they care about. It’s not harassment, its not bullying. It’s fucking consequences for being someone people don’t want to be around. I get it, I really do. It SUCKS. But sometimes you have to grow up and realize that when you hurt people, they might hurt you back. Nobody in fandom wants to be around someone who is constantly making drama their problem. And nobody in fandom should have to deal with that.

I want miss missy to take it out of the fandom. She keeps threatening to leave tumblr and honestly I wish she would? At least until she’s grown, matured and learned how to handle her mental health in a productive way that doesn’t drag everyone, of all ages, into the fray. As it is right now she’s just making herself and everyone else miserable. Redemption isn’t something magically granted because one has apologized - it must be earned by a good faith demonstration of change. Not a performative change, but TRUE change. Until then, well... Sometimes you gotta cut your losses and leave. If you’re young and riled and feeling like the big mean fandom BNFs are harassing this poor poor mentally ill queer woman? Consider, perhaps, that she isn’t the only mentally ill queer woman in the fandom (hi!), and that when people call her out for toxic behavior it’s not bullying, but consequences. (BTW, madam, if you’re reading this: I didn’t block you because anyone told me to - in fact, i was told by certain parties NOT to block you. I blocked you because I don’t want you looking at my posts and thinking you can use my platform to give your self-aggrandizing pity party legitimacy like you absolutely did whenever I blogged about forgiveness, fan culture or positivity. These posts are not for you. Nice to see you didn’t respect my boundaries and are looking at this logged out, too.)

#fandom drama #long post #boy I am mad today #get out of the fucking hashtags girl #and stop trying to manipulate people into sympathy by being a damn liar

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blush-and-books · 3 years

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AH CONGRATS ON THE FOLLOWERS you deserve it queen!! i literally hate myself for this but uh can i do cannonverse, angst, confession, fight ?¿ y do i want an angsty emotional love confession in the middle of a fight. y am i this way

you’re so lucky i had been thinking about juke angst with @willexx a week ago or i would not have had a substantial idea for this lmao. thank you for your love and support!!

Flynn is Julie’s best friend. She loves Flynn, so, so much -- but sometimes, she is too much of a realist for Julie to not feel like she is about to lose her mind.

It’s pretty consistent, too: “Julie, I just don’t want to see you heartbroken when he crosses over.” “He is a ghost, Julie! You two could never have a real, normal relationship.” “And what do you do when you’re aging and he’s still a seventeen year old boy? This is only going to make you unhappy in the end.”

But Luke makes her happier than she’s ever been.

Every time her and Flynn argue about it, Julie finds herself pulling away from Luke subconsciously because every time she gets close to him, her best friend’s voice shrieks in her head to stay away. But then Luke will smile, and the echoes will end, and she will find her way back into his arms where she knows she should be.

Only, one time, the fight gets a little more vicious than Julie ever expected.

“Have you ever even considered if it’s worth it, Jules? Is this dumb boy really worth it? When your heart breaks over something that you both knew was coming, you aren’t allowed to come cry to me when I’ve only been trying to help this whole time.”

Julie’s never raised her voice at Flynn so loudly as she did in that moment. “If you have to ask me if he’s worth it, then you clearly don’t know him or me. He’s worth it, and he’ll be worth it tomorrow, and he’ll be worth it if I had the choice to avoid it or relive it over and over. No one is more worth it.”

And that’s how Julie finds herself in the arms of her other best friend, Luke Patterson, with tears in her eyes over the fact that she hasn’t spoken to Flynn all day.

“I’m sorry you guys got into a fight,” Luke mumbles warmly in her ear as they sit on her bed. “Can I ask what happened?”

Julie hesitates before answering, because technically, her and Luke haven’t actually talked about their interesting little relationship or whether or not it should move any farther. She suspects that both of them want it to, but… Every doubt Flynn has ever raised to her probably isn't new to Luke either.

But she wants him to know how she feels. How much she loves him.

So she bites the bullet, and tightens her arms around his torso.

“She’s worried about you and I. She doesn’t think it's smart for you and me to be together, and she thinks I’m just going to end up heartbroken, and yesterday I was just- I was just trying to tell her how you were worth all the risks.”

Luke’s hands, which had been running slowly up and down her back, still. “You’re getting in fights with your friends because of me?” “Just Flynn, she’s the only one who knows about you.”

“Well, she’s a pretty important friend.”

His tone is insistent, and almost argumentative, and dread pools in Julie’s gut like she’s about to have to defend her feelings about Luke to Luke. Worried, she lifts herself off of his body, and meets his eyes.

“Yes, she is, but if she cares about me she’ll have to understand.” Luke looks at her, uncomfortably, like she’s crazy. “I’m sorry, have- Have I misread something? If Alex or Reggie came to you and asked you if I was worth it-” Her voice catches. The tears in her eyes should have been expected. “Would you not say yes?”

“This isn’t about whether or not it’s worth it, Julie. You’re unhappy because of me. You’re fighting with your friends because of me. I don’t know if I want to be worth it if it means you’re just going to be isolated!”

No. No, this is not what she wanted to hear. She wanted the opposite. She wanted Luke and Julie, Julie and Luke, the two of them against the world, the two of them against heaven and earth.

“No, Luke-” He starts climbing off of her bed, and the both of them know he could just poof out, but there is a point to be made here. “Luke, please don’t go. I don’t know how you don’t understand.”

“Understand what?”

“You make me happy!” It shocks the both of them how her voice raises two octaves through her now falling tears. “You could never make me unhappy, ever. You are one of the only things that makes me happy. And I don’t care if you cross over tomorrow, because I have you now, and that’s what makes me happy!”

Luke remains six feet away from her, staring at her with confliction in his eyes that she never wanted to see in a discussion about the two of them.

“But- But if you don’t feel the same way,” she whimpers, “if you don’t want to try… Then that’s fine.”

It’s not. It’s not fine, she’ll be heartbroken, more heartbroken than if he crossed over then and there.

But it’s looking like she doesn’t have a choice -- until Luke poofs across the six foot distance and is finally swiping his thumbs across her cheeks, looking down at her like he’s about to cry himself.

“I want to try every day,” he hisses into the air between them. “Every time I see you, every time I look at you -- of course I want to try. But I don’t want there to be an issue if we do. I don’t want it to cause more problems.”

“It won’t,” she shakes her head in between his hands. “It won’t. Please. Please, just… Tell me it’s worth it to you.”

His forehead is soft and impossibly warm as he tilts his head down to press against hers; and she brings her hands up to wrap them around his wrists. She wants his hands to stay there, she wants to feel him, she wants him to love her.

As Luke leans in, right before he finishes the journey to her lips, he whispers it: “It’s worth my life, Julie.”

#juke #juke fanfic #jatp #jatp fanfic

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captain-aralias · 3 years

Text

Life stuff

this feels kind of weird, because i’ve never used my tumblr like this, but i would have written something on my livejournal, and i want people to know - i just dont want to have to tell people about it, or really talk about it at all.

but i also wanted to write this, idk.

(TW: impending death of a parent)

my mum has cancer.

it’s a rare form of cancer, called peritoneal cancer, which is similar to but different from ovarian cancer - i think it mostly gets diagnosed (like my mum’s) when it’s too late to do anything about it. all the treatment has been palliative only i.e. letting her live as long and as comfortably as possible.

she was diagnosed in september last year - about a year ago, a few months after running the ‘virtual’ london marathon on the isle of wight, where she lives, and obviously deep in lockdown.

as someone undergoing chemo, she was deemed extremely vulnerable to covid, and so she spent most of the early pandemic isolating. she also said she didn’t see any point in my brother and i visitng her, particularly given the risks, because we could talk via facetime - which is fair enough - all of which meant my brother and i didn’t go to visit her until May this year, after she’d done the first lot of chemo and was already doing much better again.

a few months after that, we found out that while she’d responded really well to the chemo, her cancer wasn’t responding at all to the maintenance drugs that were suposed to stop it coming back, so she came off the drugs completely. medical advice was basically chemo is as effective whenever you do it, so you might as well enjoy your life for a while, we’ll monitor it every month, and when things start to get too bad, we’ll put you back in chemo.

it’s friday tomorrow - so two fridays ago, i saw my mum in london after she’d just seen hamilton with her partner, graham. both of them loved hamilton. her hair had grown back, she seemed pretty normal. about a week later, she was in A&E - and she’s been in the hospital all week. she’s got a total bowel obstruction, which means she can’t eat and hasn’t eaten since last week.

now in a weird situation where there are a few tricky, difficult options (including being moved off the island back onto the mainland to a bigger hospital) that will mean that she stays alive long enough to get the chemo, which will probably get her back to hamilton-watching strength, or ... she could die really soon. like, in a few days.

we can’t visit. her partner can’t visit because covid - there’s this really sad-making photo of him looking happy on the phone through a window to my mum, also on the phone, inside the hospital.

i feel...

???? :( :( :( ....

i guess this is the main point of the post. i’m not writing this crying, i’m writing it pretty neutrally - because my brain isn’t really processing it right now, and mostly doesn’t process it.

i did cry earlier today while on the phone to various people, and then i went back to work. i hate crying, i hate being sad, and i dont like people comforting me, because it makes me realise that i have something to be sad about.

i’ve known she had cancer for a year. i haven’t been able to hang out with her most of that time. i would say, we are fairly close, although not nearly as close as some families. we don’t talk every week, but we talk regularly, and have seen each other regularly.

i’m so incredibly privileged that nothing that bad has ever happened to me, even though i’m 35. i’ve never been to a funeral, which seemed like a major life win and now i think was a mistake, i should have gone to funerals for people i card about less to help get used to it.

the literal only comparison i have to how i feel is when my cat Anton died suddenly about 3 years ago - i handled it with a mix of not thinking about it, being intensely sad for as brief a period as i could, and probably by thinking about how sad my girlfriend was about it, and sort of sidestepping my own feelings in comparison.

i remember when my last remaining grandparent died - and i was about 14 or something - i wasn’t sad for myself, i was only sad for her my dad being sad. for ages, i worried that i was not going to be sad enough about this - and i still sort of am.

but i also passionately hate the idea of being sad and i know i’ll look to avoid it as much as possible, and try and get on with my life.

i know my mum dying isn’t about me - when people write after death it’s about the person who died, obviously. that makes sense. but this post isn’t about my mum, who is a very cool person, much cooler than me - it’s about me. because i am self-obsessed and this is going to wreck my life for a while.

it’s weird, because i can see it on the horizon but it’s not happening yet. and i dont know whether that’s good or bad - i feel like it’s good, in a way. someone ages ago told me that the grieving period starts when you get the news. that seems very true to me - but also, i know that it’s going to ramp up, and so i’m like in the expectation of true grief right now.

it’s sort of like she died, but also is still going to die, but also i can magically still talk to her. which is really nice, in a way, it’s like a second chance, because i know i didn’t reach out enough before she had cancer. and i’m aware enough of my own actions that i know this is what’s been going on in my head the past year - i should reach out more, because she has cancer, but i dont want to make it seem like i’m reaching out because she has cancer, even though she knows i know she has cancer....... and also, i’m busy writing this fic. /o\

the fact that she seemed to recover (even though my mum insisted on saying ‘i am not recovered, i’m going to die soon’ like several time as a day as a disclaimer) also totally messed with my head, because i knew logically - ok, it’s happening. but also, things seemed so normal when we speak. even when i called her today, and she hasn’t eaten for a week, it seemed normal.

btw - i realised this week i had no idea how cancer killed people. my mum is a scientist and has looked up all kinds of things about what’s killing her; i’m clearly a simon snow and didn’t want to think about things i can’t help. if you’d asked me, i’d have said like... it poisons you or something, or blocks bloodflow to your brain. not what i think will actually do it which is.... starvation. or being too weak to survive being pumped full of the poison that is intended to kill the cancer. (that one i guess i could have predicted.) man - cancer sucks. i mean, we all knew it.

(i failed to get into cambridge university at interview stage, many years ago. the man who interviewed me gave me some extremely memorable feedback, which is that i needed to dial back the ‘defensive irony’ - which i thnk in that context meant i put myself down and tried to make a joke of everything. i remember when i got the phonecall to say Anton, my cat, was dead, i literally did not know what to do with my voice - because my instinct was to try and make the vet feel better, and also to present myself as bright and capable, and yet this unexpected and devasting news had just come through. rainbow wrote something sort of similar because she’s a good writer, for shepard as he tells penny about his curse. i feel like that.)

what else did i want to say?

i thought i had more time. ‘hamilton’ will probably always be tied to this moment in my mind, because of how much i’ve spoken to my mum about it in the past few weeks (i sent her the remix - she liked it, she listened to it in hospital while trying to drink more than 100ml of fluids) but yeah - this is basically a line from hamilton here. whatever. don’t make me feel my own feelings, let me just quote things. i dont like my own feelings. (no, i dont want to go to therapy - they’d make me talk about my feelings all the time, i’m british for god’s sake.)

i’m 35 - my mum is 68. i didn’t think she’d die this early or that i’d have to deal with this yet. but then i also don’t think bad things are ever going to happen to me - because mostly they haven’t, see above. i wear a mask and am double vaccinated because i’m not an asshole, but i dont really believe i’ll get covid because bad things don’t happen to me. i didn’t think my mum would die - maybe ever, but definitely not yet. she’s been retired a decade after teaching (science) and has enjoyed it.

i thought i had time to not have kids yet - which is the other thing (like hamilton) that this moment is really tied up with for me. i feel like 35 is getting quite old, but also not that old to still not have kids, but intend to maybe have them. my feelings about kids were basically like - up until like 25, i thought, yes, definitely. i mean, before i had a realtiosnhip (22-ish), i just assumed i would probably have a het marriage and have kids etc, like people do, but after that we were still talking, yes, children at some point.

didn’t prioritise it for a few reasons - none of my close friends had children until quite recently, so it just didn’t seem like an urgent thing in the way that it probably does for people with different friendship groups. waiting to be settled enough in a job to be able to take maternity leave without it feeling like a rip off for my employer. waiting for a good time in erin’s PhD writing cycle. and then pandemic. and then a few years ago, maybe as i turned 30, i thought - maybe we won’ have kids, because we still haven’t - and i vocalised that to erin.

also, i know a lot of people are gay and have children, so it’s not like it’s a thing that is impossible at all, but it’s much much harder if you have to leave your home and your relationship in order to get a child. it has to be a very very conscious decisions. i have friend who are men who have good genes, but we’re not so close i want to ask them for their sperm/to be involved however remotely in making a child - and (i was surprised to discover) (what a lot of things i dont know anything about) you an’t really just buy sperm, it’s not truly legal except through a clinic. and it’s extremely expensive to get inseminated in a clinic, and the NHS don’t really do that, so you do have to pay it. i thought kids would be expensive after they were born, but not before. and i REALLY wanted a house, much much more than - i think even today - i’ve ever wanted a child. i REALLY wanted a house - and now we have a house, and it’s pretty good. but - that’s where the money went, until the pandemic - thanks pandemic - so now we do have some disposable cash at last, because i didn’t commute.

but now erin is worried about climate change - and wheher it’s right to bring more children into the world, and other things. and.... i think i do want to be pregnant, it’s what i’m planning for - don’t leave this job (which admittedly i also really like, and pays me well - i dont thin i need to leave) because next stop maternity leave, but.....

i don’t know whether i am thinking, time ot have kids because my best friend just had a baby (the baby’s name is horatio - for real, i actually love this name) (i also haven’t seen her or the baby except over skype, because anna - my friend - is, like my mother, also scared of pandemic) and my brain is like - ok, well, if anna is doing it, i guess the time is here

AND - i know there’s a large part of me that was like, gotta be pregnant and ideally have the baby before my mum dies so she gets to see that she had a grandchild. my brother and i are both queer, btw, in case you were wondering - he’s considering whether he wants to transition right now (but is still happy with he/him pronouns) and - you may find this astonishing, but i genuinely don’t know whether he’d consider himself ace, or has been in relationships. he’s very private, he has OCD and is in therapy - but anyway, he’s probably not having kids anytime soon (i think!) and graham - my mum’s boyfriend/partner of 10+ years. -has grandchildren, but my extremely middleclass white (but definitely not conservative voters, always 100% not-tory) parents ended up with me and my brother.... and i don’t know, as i say, i don’t know whether my brain is saying ‘have kids before it’s too late’ - although i know by now that it will be too late. even if my mum recovers from this, this time, i don’t think i can produce a child before she dies - and she isn’t asking me too, she’s not like that, but i would have liked her to be there. i thought she would be.

so - i’m thinking about that. also, about getting a dog. i really want a dog - although i don’t want to upset the three cats (one we’ve had for eight years or so, the other two we got after Anton died). it’s ALSO really hard and expensive to get a dog. you’d think with all these ‘a dog isn’t just for the pandemic, a dog is for life’ type adverts around, that it would be easy to adcidentally get a dog - i’ve looked! you ccan’t get a dog unless you have no cats and you’re super experienced and can take a dog with lots of trauma or medical problems, or you’re willing to pay thousands of pounds. like - even for a regular not even pedigree dog - at least a thousand. pedigree dog - several thousand. i dont want a puppy either - i want a dog.

and - this is embarrassing to admit, but i’ve alrady told erin - i genuinely had a phase of being super annoyed when i’d read fics where someone just ‘got a dog’. it’s not that simple!!! it’s fiction, it doesn’t matter - chill out. the baby thing too - although weirdly not fics where magic meant it was possible to get a baby, weirdly it was smut. i had a brief week or so of crazy (and i don’t think i am that crazy) where i’d read about fictional semen and just be like - wtf, it’s so hard to get hold of that shit. (it’s not real, this isn’t real semen being wasted, calm down - and i dont even really know if i want kids, i might just think i do.)

the other thing about the bad thing being soon but not yet (but also being all the time, but not if you dnt think about it) is that i’m thinking - should i prioritise writing my remix now, in case my mum dies and i’m too sad to do it, and then i didn’t do my remix? i was definitely thinking this while writing classroom politics (i hope my mum doesn’t die becaue i dont want to be too sad to miss the deadline) and in the run up to AWTWB .....

today i wrote a list of things for work that would need to be picked up if i have to unexpectedly stop working, either because i’m too sad, or because i have to do funeral stuff, or .... i guess legal stuff about settling the estate. (i guess this happens to a lot of people, too, but it’s also a bit of a mindfuck that my brother and i will inherit her house and a bunch of cash when she dies - i’m pretty well off, my brotehr does virtual reality theatre stuff so really isn’t - we’ve talked about how much easier both of our lives will be with a huge injection of cash, and how we dont know what to feel about that) (great news, dogs and kids are really expensive! time to find out whether i really wanted to spend my money on those.) told people i like at work that it’s coming, and that i dont want to talk about it. and mostly just... carrying on with life, really. until it happens.

it’s so weird how easy it is to carry on most of the time.i know my mum’s partner is not doing nearly so well - he has to cope with an empty house and he’s retired. i’ve had periods - including right now - where i wake up every morning and check my phone to see whehter someone called me or texted me to tell me it’s over. but most of the day i’m actually really fine. i even had an ok day today. and i don’t know whether i want that to be the case, or whether i shouldn’t let myself do that. i dont know what i should prepare for in terms of where i’ll be - will i want lots of stuff to distract me (this is my guess) and work is very good for that, or i will want to clear time and space because i can’t operate and dont want people to offer me comfort. (FYI - this post isn’t written to make people say anything to me, i definitely dont want to talk about it, so please don’t feel you either have to comment or check in on me - i don’t really want you to. it’s enough to have written it, in my own time, in my own space.)

i think i wanted to write this post in a way because i thought i probably wouldnt want to write it after my mum died - because i probably wouldn’t want to say anything about it at all, for a few years.

my mum keeps telling me about the show ‘jane the virgin’ - which she’s half way through. shhe asked me to give it a try, so i did (she often tells me about shows on radio 4, which i rarely listen to. i thouht i had more time.) i’ve watched an episode (because she has cancer, i should listen to her recommendations)(but i dont want her to know that’s why i did it) and i do quite like - it’s light and frothy and well cut together (although about kids and artificial insemination, of course). i guess in a worse case scenario where i’m too sad to work or write, i will probably watch a lot of this show - which is incredibly not sad - and feel sad about how my mum never finished it.

BUT ALSO SHE MIGHT BE OK. for a while.

i dont know how i feel, blargh. anyway. this was a long post. i think i wrote it mostly for me. feelings are weird. covid really sucks and so does cancer.

going to order some chicken and watch inuyasha.

#my content #tw: death #tw: death of a parent #tw: death of a loved one #personal #tw: cancer

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obx-adventures · 4 years

Text

The Introverted Twin

Summary - Being John B’s bookish twin isn’t easy. Especially with my best friend, Pope, being weird about me getting closer with JJ.

Catch up here: Ch 1, Ch 2, Ch 3

——

Chapter 4

I spend the next week isolating myself from the Pogues. John B, JJ, and Kie all try to get me to talk to them about what happened, but I stick to my decision to keep Pope’s declaration of love to myself. After a week of silence, John B and JJ have had enough.

“Alright, Y/N,” my twin says when he busts into my room. “No more sulking, let’s go out.”

“JB, go find Pope. Take him out, not me.”

“No can do, sis. I can’t let you hide in here for forever. You’ve already said you won’t tell us what happened, so we won’t push. But you are not staying in your room for another day.”

“Sunshine, come on,” JJ begs as he takes my hand to try to pull me off my bed. “We’re worried about you.”

“Kie is talking to Pope right now,” JB reassures me as he opens my blinds. “He finally answered her text this morning, so we decided to divide and conquer.”

“He did? Is he ok?”

“You don’t get any information until you meet us outside,” JJ answers stubbornly as they leave the house.

I sit on my bed a few minutes trying to weigh my options. My self-imposed punishment isn’t really helping anything and I do want to know how my best friend is doing. Reluctantly, I leave my room to meet the guys in the backyard.

“How is he?” I ask, trying to ignore the smug looks on their faces as I sit on the hammock next to JJ.

“Kie said that he seems sad but ok,” John B responds gently. “She tried to get him to talk to her about whatever happened between you two, but he won’t give her anything. She is going with him to make some deliveries today so she’s hoping to get more out of him.”

I look down at my hands in my lap and try to fight back tears. I can’t believe I’ve caused Pope so much pain. He has been such an important part of my life for so many years. Did I lead him on? Could I have done something to prevent this? Maybe relied on him less? I think back to how I told him that he makes me feel like I’m not alone and selfishly worry that I won’t have that anymore.

“How about the three of us go out on the Pogue today?” JJ suggests as he takes my hand gently. “You can get some sun while we fish. We’ll stay quiet if you want us to.”

I nod and go inside to get changed. The guys take over snack duty for the day and we are on our way within 15 minutes. Once we drop anchor, I strip down to my swimsuit and lay out in my usual spot at the front of the boat. I finally feel myself relax when the quiet is interrupted by the sound of John B’s phone.

“Whoa,” he exclaims. “Pope told you he’s in love with you?!”

I jolt up to look at my brother and see JJ’s shocked expression.

“Shit, JJ, pretend you didn’t hear that.” My brother sounds sheepish as he looks between us.

“Why?” JJ and I ask at the same time.

“Because Pope told Kie she could tell me, but he doesn’t want JJ to know,” John B explains. I can hear the question in his statement but decide to ignore it. JJ looks at me with his eyebrows contracted in confusion.

“Why would Pope not want me to know?” JJ asks me.

Instead of answering, I lay back down and squeeze my eyes shut behind my sunglasses. How the hell am I supposed to answer this question? I don’t think I can handle JJ brushing off Pope’s suggestion that something was going on between us as if the idea is ludicrous.

“What did you say to Pope?” John B asks when he realizes I’m not going to answer JJ’s question.

“What do you think I said, JB?” I reply sarcastically. “We haven’t spoken in a week, so it doesn’t seem likely that I confessed that I’m in love with him too, does it?”

“That’s not what I meant, smartass. I was asking how you handled it. It can’t have been easy.”

John B comes over to sit down next me. I sit up, take off my sunglasses, and look out over the water before I respond.

“I told him that he’s my best friend,” I confess. “I didn’t know how to respond. Did you know he felt that way?”

“I thought it was possible. But I never thought he would say anything. What triggered it?”

“He thinks something is going on with me and JJ,” I admit. He has to lean in closer to me to as I whisper this, and he raises his eyebrows at my response.

“Is there something going on between you and JJ?” he whispers back to me.

Just as I did with JJ a few minutes ago, I lay back down instead of answering. My brother looks at me for a few moments before going back over to his seat. The rest of our time on the water is uncharacteristically quiet, with all of us stuck in our own thoughts. After only 30 more minutes, John B decides to head back to the Chateau. As I’m walking to the house, I’m stopped by JJ grabbing my hand.

“Sunshine,” he says quietly when I don’t turn back to look at him. “Come on. Talk to me. Why doesn’t Pope want me to know?”

I take a deep breath to brace myself before I turn around to look at him. I can’t risk getting lost in his piercing blue eyes while we have this conversation, so I look down at our still joined hands.

“He thinks something is going on with us,” I whisper. When JJ doesn’t immediately respond, I lift my head to study his face.

“Do you want there to be something going on with us?” JJ’s cheeks are tinted pink and he looks at me with questioning eyes. I chew on my bottom lip as I look away from him. He moves closer to me and my heart rate speeds up. “Look at me, Sunshine.”

I can’t bring myself to make eye contact with him again, so I pull my hand from his and run into the house. John B is pacing around the living room when I enter, and he looks up to see me flustered and emotional.

“Look, Y/N,” he starts. “JJ is my best friend. I love him like a brother. But – ”

“JB, I can’t have this conversation with you,” I interject. I grab the van keys and run out of the house.

“Where are you going, Sunshine?” I don’t answer JJ as I get into the van and drive away.

I drive around for a while and somehow end up at Sarah’s house. She has been dating my brother for a while now but she and I aren’t very close so I’m not sure how I ended up at her doorstep. I knock on the door and am greeted by Wheezie. She calls Sarah for me and I can tell how surprised Sarah is when she sees that I’m her visitor.

“Y/N, is everything ok?”

I don’t think I can answer her without breaking down in the doorway. She sees the tears well up in my eyes and gently takes my hand to lead me to her room. Once she closes the door, she sits on her bed and gives me a few minutes to collect my thoughts as I pace in her room.

“Have you talked to my brother today?” I ask, trying to figure out if he has already told her everything that happened this morning.

“I called him maybe 20 minutes ago and he didn’t answer. But he texted me and said he was talking to JJ.”

“Shit! Fuck! Shit!” Sarah is visibly shocked by my outburst and comes over to me and pulls me into a tight hug.

“Y/N, I know that you and I aren’t really friends yet, but you can talk to me.” I pull back from the hug and dry the tears I didn’t realize had already fallen down my cheeks.

“Ok, ok, ok…” I say as I try to organize my thoughts. “Last week, Pope told me that he was in love with me. But I don’t feel the same way. Also, I’m maybe in love with JJ. And sometimes I think that JJ may have feelings for me too. But then I remember that I’m definitely not his type and he’s JB’s best friend. And it would kill Pope if he knew how I felt about JJ. But it’s all kind of exploding right now and I have no idea what to do.”

I deflate once I get this all off my chest. I fall onto the bed next to Sarah and start sobbing with my head in my hands. She wraps an arm around me and brings my head toward her shoulder.

“Shhh, it’s ok. We’ll figure this all out.”

Once I calm down, I lift my head off her shoulder and shake my hands out. I’m a little embarrassed that I just had a breakdown in front of my brother’s girlfriend but there isn’t anything I can do about that now.

“I’m sorry I just dumped all of that on you. You are the newest person in our group, and I think I’m here because you may be the most objective person that I can talk to about all this.”

“No, don’t apologize,” she responds kindly. “Let’s talk this out. So you think you may be in love with JJ?”

“I don’t know… maybe… yes. But he’s JJ. He can get any girl he wants, I don’t think he wants me.”

“I think you’re wrong, I saw how he looked at you the other day when we were on the boat. And he planned a trip to the planetarium for you. I don’t think he would do that if he didn’t care.”

“I know he cares, but I think it’s just because I’m his best friend’s sister. Wait, how was he looking at me on the boat?”

“Like you were the only person there,” Sarah says with a smile. “You aren’t just John B’s sister to him. Like you said, I’m brand new to the group and even I can see that you’re special to him.”

I feel heat rise to my cheeks at the idea that I’m special to JJ. But then I remember what John B tried to tell me before I left.

“John B would never be ok with it, Sarah,” I say dejectedly. “And even if he was, what about Pope?”

“Look,” Sarah stands and starts speaking animatedly in front of me. “It’s not like anyone wanted me and your brother to be together, right? Kiara was so pissed at him and Rafe didn’t talk to me for a month. But none of it matters. If you love someone, you need to just say ‘Fuck it’ and be happy. The people who really love you will come around.”

I think about what she said for a few minutes and I can’t deny that she’s right. John B basically told all of us to get over it. And while it wasn’t easy, we did. Could that happen for me and JJ?

“But the real questions, Y/N,” Sarah says, pulling me from my thoughts, “are how does JJ feel about you and do you want to be together.”

I stand up, pull Sarah into a tight hug, and give her a kiss on the cheek. I thank her and run back out of the house to the van. I need to find JJ and finish the conversation he tried to start earlier.

Ch 5

Taglist: @agirlwholovescoffee @obxlife @meaganjm @kaelyn-lobrutto24 @velyssaraptor @lunaposey

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a3hastakenovermylife · 3 years

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Ok, I really, really want some quality interaction between Kazunari and Taichi.

Like I know that we all joke about them because they’re our energetic, adorable, puppy pair, and yes, that is who they are on the surface. But, when you simplify their whole character arcs down to just that, you’re flattening their characters and you lose the depth that the game hints at for the both of them.

The game did a really great job at letting Taichi flush out a decent sized character arc, and concluded that story in a satisfying way during the Autumn Troupe arc. We see our sunshine boy upset, withdrawn, and separating himself from the others out of guilt. Then we see him distraught over the things he’s done and being comforted by Omi (honestly my favorite interaction in the whole series, second only to Juza and Banri high-fiving). Then we see him confessing to the others, and they all retell their portraits to one another, and Taichi finally gets to accept that he’s been forgiven, and more than that, that he’s been truly accepted into the troupe. For the first time, he gets to understand that he will get to act, he’s going to have the opportunity to do what he loves and he’s going to be able to do it with people he’s come to care so much about.

Taichi is in a much better place at the end of the Autumn Troupe arc, and we can see the potential for that to grow in the future. However, I do not feel like we get to nearly the same place with Kazunari.

With Kazunari, we begin to understand that he puts on a front with other people, that he acts all happy and tends to agree with everyone as to not ruffle any feathers. He’s never had a group of real friends before the Summer Troupe, and when confronted with the fact that he not only doesn’t have to pretend to be neutral, that his friends don't want him to be. Kazunari made some real progress here, he did stand tall and give his opinion, but he isn’t shown to make any other significant changes. Nor, can we tell whether this was a permanent change.

He’s still the same energetic Kazunari, friendly and fun-loving as always. I can’t help but feel like his character arc was left mostly incomplete, we know there's a problem, but we haven't taken many steps to fix it, nor does it seem like Kazu has had any change in attitude. He’s still bottling most of his emotions up, refusing to show anything other than his cheery smile.

Here’s where we get into some of my own characterization here, because as a freshmen art major myself, I know, I know, that college isn't easy. On top of all of that, trying to pretend that everything is fine, is like putting a band-aid on a stab wound. The longer you hold everything in, the more mentally isolated you make yourself. Even surrounded by kind, loving, caring people, you can feel totally alone. On top of that, place his pre-existing tendency to hide any and all of his real opinions and feelings, which isn't the kind of mental behavior you can fix overnight.

What you’re left with is a ticking time bomb.

No human being can be happy all the time. It's just not possible.

When a human being is upset, they will need help eventually. Especially, a college student, stepping out into the world for the first time on their own, a pseudo-adult who likes to pretend they've grown up already.

Kazunari needs that character arc of his to be finished, because right now, he's sitting in a limbo within which he can never truly be happy, or relaxed. Simply because he hasn’t taken the time to learn how to open up to his friends.

Now, here's where my Taichi and Kazu interaction comes in.

(Ok, I started this just as an idea post and lo and behold it became almost as long as a fic. This is literally just my word vomit, so I apologize in advance for any poor grammar, spelling mistakes, and unclear transitions that occur, but please enjoy and tell me if you want me to make this a proper fic)

Taichi has for the most part evolved through his character arc, he's in a good place now and is growing closer to everyone in the company. Meanwhile, Kazu seems to be falling out of sync with everyone, he’s way less chatty, he spends most of his time by himself, and while when he's actually in the room with them he is acting relatively normal. Every single time anybody asks him if something is bothering him, he laughs and brushes the concern off easily. However, his troupe mates can hear how forced the laugh sounds.

It’s something that happens over a few months, but Summer Troupe is very worried. They’ve taken to having weekly meetings in the common area while Kazu is doing his homework to try and puzzle out what’s been going on with him. The others share their concern as well, the point is that now the whole company is determined to get to the bottom of whatever is up with him.

I bet you anything that Omi notices the similarities right away. This is way to eerily similar to the way Taichi was acting during those last few weeks before everything came to light. He probably approaches Kazu to talk several times but is shut down at every turn by a forced laugh, or an easy excuse like ‘I’m just a bit tired.’ or ‘Just been super busy lately, that's all.’.

Taichi, himself, probably notices too, but he really doesn't want to stick his nose into something that felt so incredibly personal. He lets it go because he knows how helpful it was when his troupe mates let him talk out his troubles, and listened, and accepted him for all his faults. He feels if he buts in now, he’ll just take that opportunity from Kazu, and he’d never do something that.

The Summer Troupe keeps trying, and one night they all approach him at once, determined not to let this go until he fesses up. They all corner him in his room and start to ask questions, and Tenma and Yuki are almost certainly going to be coming off as being a bit harsh, but who can blame them Kazu has been worrying the both of them senseless for months, and neither of them are the type to mince their words.

Muku is especially emotional throughout the whole thing, he’s had a front row seat to this slow motion train-wreck this whole time, living in the same room as Kazu. He sees how late he stays up, and how often he gets no sleep at all, he's the one who sees the cracks beginning to form in the persona Kazu has built up for himself. He even mentions one particularly horrible night when Kazu was crying in his sleep. By that point though, Muku is relatively incomprehensible through his own crying.

Misumi is mostly watching, agreeing with the others, saying supportive words, but mostly standing aside, looking and feeling a little helpless.

This is Kazu’s breaking point. Kazu has been spiraling for months. It started with feeling horrible and stressed about his classes, then evolved to worrying about how he always hid that fact from the others, then to feeling guilty about being so dishonest about his feelings, then to feeling even more guilty about pushing them away when they were clearly worried and not being able to reciprocate their kindness with even the most basic courtesy of honesty.

Seeing all of them like this, pouring their hearts out to reach him, it just made him feel worse. He wanted them to understand, but some part of him was certain that they never could. That even if he could speak right then, that none of it could make them understand. There was also a traitorous part of his mind that heard Tenma’s frustrated shout and Yuki’s sarcastic drawl, and only hear accusation and condemnation.

He knew it was stupid, that his friends would never actually feel that way about him. He knew that.

That didn’t stop that little traitorous voice in his head from taking the steering wheel though, it didn’t stop it from completely taking over. He was on his feet and pushing past them out of the room before he even knew what he was doing. He vaguely recognized the feeling of someone grabbing a hold of his shoulder and he forcefully pulls away, running faster than he even knew he was capable of out of the dorm.

The voices calling for him to come back, concerned, worried, crying. Concern for him, and he can't even turn around to look at them, he can barely even hear them. He keeps running, longer than his body should have been able to run, faster than he ever thought possible. He tripped more than once and was left with scrapes from each time. The others tried to follow him, but in the darkness, it seems that none of them had succeeded.

Or maybe, the same voice whispered. They’ve just decided to give up on you.

Meanwhile, the Summer troupe meets back at the dorm, and they get the others to come help them look for Kazunari. To say the least, Summer Troupe is pretty distraught, all things considered. Muku is an even worse than he’d been earlier, having given up entirely on trying to talk, Yuki has made it his responsibility to keep Muku from falling over, having to prop him up through most of their search, and he’s become oddly quiet as he does so.

Misumi actually does cry for a few minuites for Kazu, he's so incredibly sad that he can’t seem to do anything to help. However, he doesn't let it keep him down. It's no more than five minutes before he stands up with a half-smile to help search for him again.

Tenma, is just oddly quiet, like way too quiet, more quiet than even Yuki. Only speaking in clipped one-word sentences, and mostly even then, only answering questions addressed to him. He's clearly frustrated, but more than that, he almost seems remorseful. By this point, he’s feeling pretty guilty and useless himself. He is the leader of this troupe after all, and it is his responsibility to take care of stuff like this isn’t it?

It’s early in the morning, and the whole company has been searching for hours when it starts to rain. It's at this point that the director just says that they should head back and get some sleep. Tenma does not take that order well. After a very loud and long argument with Tenma, the most that he’s spoken all night, he finally gives in when he sees the state the rest of his troupe is in, Muku has practically fainted already, Yuki was on the verge of tears himself and Misumi was just staring blankly into space dejectedly.

So, with that everyone heads back to the dorm to go to sleep.

------------

It’s only after they're back inside, dried off, and the lights are off that Taichi realizes that he can’t sleep. He was close with Kazu, they’d always meshed really well together and got along really well. When he’d seen a reflection of himself in Kazu, he'd let it go, and now he was really starting to regret it. He should have realized, that just because Taichi had had Omi to help him work up the courage to confess what he’d done to the rest of the troupe, and to help him sort out his feelings. Omi was practically an adult, he was so mature and always seemed to know what to do.

Summer Troupe didn't really have an Omi. Kazu was actually the oldest of the bunch of them. He should have spoken up sooner, tried to help Kazu through it, if he’d just said something earlier, the situation might not have gotten this far out of control. Taichi had desperately needed someone to give him the courage to speak up when he’d been in such a dark place and, something told him that Kazu needed the same thing, and that nothing would change at all until he got that much.

He might have school in a few hours, and it might still be raining, but Taichi honestly didn't care. He couldn't sit still any longer. He got up from the covers, and grabbed his jacket and was about to open the door to their room when he heard Omi sit up.

“You’re going to go look for Kazunari aren’t you?” He asked.

Taichi blinked and stammered, trying to come up with some other excuse, and epically failing. It was too hard to lie to Omi though, especially after everything that had happened between them. Omi just chuckled, and told him not to worry so much. Omi stood and opened his own closet, pulling out a spare backpack, and placing a large towel, an oversized poncho, and an umbrella in the bag, then handed it to Taichi. Then silently lead Taichi along to the kitchen, where he pulled out a large thurmace and heated up some hot cocoa to put inside, then handed that to Taichi as well.

“I think that you might be one of the only people who can get through to Kazunari, you realize that too don’t you?” Omi said softly, as to not wake the others. Taichi nodded emphatically, a little stunned that Omi was just letting him go no matter how irresponsible of an idea it was. “Alright, then. Good luck, and bring him home.”

Taichi nodded and just as soon as he had gotten outside he started running. It was still dark and rainy, but at least there were plenty of streetlights. He called out to Kazunari and he called and called. Mostly though, Taichi was looking, looking for any sign of a person, anywhere. By now, he was pretty sure that Kazu wasn’t going to reply to the call, but he did it anyway, just in case.

Eventually, about an hour in, his voice got raw and he needed to take a break. He stopped talking, and sat down on just some random street corner, not caring one bit that his pants were now wet.

It wasn't any good, he wasn't going to find him was he?

He sat dejectedly on the concrete, just listening to the rain and feeling his pants begin to get soggy. He didn't know how long he sat there before he heard it.

It was faint, so incredibly quiet, that even the light sound of raindrops nearly drowned it out entirely.

Yet, if he listened hard enough he heard crying. He hoped he wasn't just his desperation getting to him, making him hear things. He stood up eagerly anyway, staying silent and trying to follow the sound before it stopped. It was hard, really hard, and the sky was starting to lighten just a minuscule shade when he finally made it to the mouth of the alley.

There Kazu was, Taichi could just barely make out the top of his head poking out from behind a stack of abandoned boxes. He was absolutely drenched to the bone, there was no way he wasn't going to get sick after this. He was crying softly, his head ducked and his arms hugging himself.

Taichi carefully approached Kazu and found himself at a loss for a moment. The very last thing he wanted was for him to run off again, and he really didn't want to startle him either. What he settled on was taking the umbrella and the towel out, and holding the umbrella with one arm, while he dried Kazu’s head off to the best of his ability with only one arm to work with. Kazu stiffened but didn't move, his crying coming to an abrupt halt as he held his breath.

“Hey, Kazu. It’s just me, Taichi.”

Kazunari gave a shaky sigh of relief at his voice. “Damn, Tai-chan don’t scare me like that ok? Thought you were gonna mug me or something...” It was clear that Kazu was trying to put up his barriers again, and not quite managing it.

“Sorry, about that.” Taichi apologized, more than a little relieved that Kazunari had actually spoken to him right off the bat. That was farther than the rest of Summer Troupe had gotten. Taichi fumbled a bit before he decided to sit next to Kazu, after it seemed clear that he wasn’t too keen on moving.

Silence settled between the two of them, Kazu seemed to be trying desperately to reign his emotions back under control. Taichi was just trying to think of how to start this, what to say. He thought about how Omi had approached him, but something told Taichi that Kazu wouldn't connect well with that.

It didn't help that he had no idea why Kazu was so upset, or what had caused this, or if anything really had caused it. There might not be one cause. It was more than a little overwhelming, Taichi really really really didn't want to mess this up.

He couldn’t do nothing again though, that wasn't an option, he had to say something, anything.

He decided, to just say whatever came to mind. To say how he felt, and hope to every god out there that it reached him.

“You know, it’s impossible for a person to be happy all the time, don't you?” Taichi asked. Kazunari didn't respond, and Taichi decided that was ok. He’d just keep talking for now. “I won’t pretend that I know why you’re so upset, because I don’t. It’s ok if you don't really want to talk about it right now, I get it. Though, if you’re up to it, I would really appreciate it if you listened to my story.”

Taichi waited until he saw Kazunari nod, the other teen seemingly relaxing a bit beside him. Taichi smiled at the sight, and began to speak.

(Authors note: in this story only Autumn troupe and Yuki (+ the director) know about the fact that Taichi was a mole. Not because they're keeping secrets, just because the others never asked and nobody thought to tell them. Mostly, I don't know for sure if any of the others know, and I like to imagine that they don't know, or at least not the full story.)

Taichi essentially performed his portrait for Kazunari, by the end the other teen was actually looking up at him. Taichi continued though, even after his story normally ended.

“You see, whatever you feel so upset about, guilty about even, I doubt it'll be worse than the things I've done. Even if it is, I know that your troupe mates would listen and try their best to understand why. No matter what it is, no matter what might have happened. They care a lot about you, and the only reason they got so frustrated is because they hate seeing you hurting like this, they were only trying to help, you know...”

“Yeah, I know that...” Kazu looked away again. Though, this time he didn't curl in on himself like before, he leaned back and looked to the sky, which was already beginning to lighten in color. “How did you know I was feeling guilty?”

“I guess, I can just tell? I don't know, it's a bit freaky actually.” Taichi gave a nervous chuckle, then his expression softened a bit to match the sincerity in hie voice. “I saw your expression, and it was almost like I was looking in the mirror, I got this weird sense of de ja vu, and I could just tell. That probably doesn’t make any sense does it...”

“Never experienced it myself, but I get what you're talking about.” Kazu replied with a sigh, closing his eyes. The two of them stay quiet for a minute, Taichi got the feeling that Kazunari was just on the verge of telling him something, so he was patient, giving the other teen the chance to gather his thoughts.

“You know, hearing all that you just said, it almost makes me feel a bit silly. This is such a stupid thing to get so worked up over, ‘ya know.” Kazu shook his head at himself. “It’s always been stupid, and I’ve always known that but I can't help it. I’m always terrified of what others will think, if I don't keep a smile on my face. More than that, I’m so used to pushing all of my worries aside that I don’t even know how to face them anymore. I just ignore them, until I can’t anymore.” Kazu swallowed thickly, leaning forward again and running a hand through his still, thoroughly damp hair. “I don’t want to keep hiding my real feelings, it's just that each time I get even slightly uncomfortable, it's easier to just put the mask back on. I can’t help it, and that’s terrifying, ya know. I want the others to know when I’m stressed or upset, its not like I want to keep hiding it from them, but it never seems like the right time to let the facade fall. They're so used to me being happy, that I don't think they understand how much of it is fake. What happens when I let everything out, and they realize that I've been lying to them? Will they even be able to stand me, as I am now? They’re friends with the energetic, fun-loving Kazunari Miyoshi, not me. I don’t know if any of them have ever even met this side of me, I'm hardly even the same person. I really don’t want to ruin this place, I really really love it here. I’m happier living here than I've ever been in my life, I don’t know what I'd do if everything fell apart...” Kazu trailed off.

“I don’t think anything is going to fall apart, Kazu. Things’ll change a bunch, but nothing will be ruined. You don’t even need to do anything more than just explain this to your troupe. Even if they don’t get it at first, they’ll do everything they’re capable of to help you, I just know it. Also, I think that you’re more likely to push them away continuing on as you are, than you are if you just tried to explain.” “You don’t have to try and handle this all by yourself. Please, try and explain this to them. Trust me when I say that you’ll feel better afterwards.”

“You really think it’ll turn out alright?”

“I know it will.”

Kazunari gave a breathy chuckle. “How can you be so sure?”

Taichi smiled wanly and thought about earlier that evening...

“’The hell? How can you even say that?! You really expect me to just go back to the dorm when Kazunari is out here somewhere, all by himself! If we don't find him soon, who knows what’ll happen! Who know’s what’s already happened? He could have been mugged in an alley somewhere by now, and we’d have no idea!”

“Tenma...”

“I’m not going back.”

“Tenma, please stop and listen for a second. Everyone is exhausted, we aren’t going to make any progress like this. If we sleep for even an hour or two and get back to it, we’re more likely to find him, ok?”

“There’s nothing ‘ok’ about any of this!”

“Alright, maybe ‘ok’ wasn’t the right word for this situation, but Tenma...” The director leaned in to whisper something into Tenma’s ear. Immediately the teen star glanced over his shoulder and saw the state of his troupe mates and his stiff angered posture melted. Tenma silently nodded and sighed.

“I really fucked up this whole ‘troupe leader’ thing, didn’t I?”

“Kazu, your entire troupe is convinced that they've failed you in some way or another, especially Tenma-kun. He was so upset earlier that he actually started yelling at the director, like a real argument and not his usual antics. They want to help you more than anything else, and the entire company feels the same way. This isn’t because they want they want you to go back to how you were, its because you’re in pain and they want to help you. Whether that means that you stop putting on that mask entirely, or just start by learning not to rely on it too much, I know they'll be willing to support you no matter what you decide to do, so long as you’re beginning to get better.”

“I’m here too, if you ever want to talk to somebody who gets it a little better. It's hard being yourself, and it's easy to hide so you won't get hurt when someone rejects you. I get that, Kazu, and I do it too sometimes. So, if you need to talk to someone outside of your Troupe, and maybe even get advice on how to make them understand, I’m here too.”

“Kazu, you’ve got so many people waiting for you at home who want to help you, all you have to do is open up and let them. Try and help them understand, and let them do the rest. That’s all you can do, and I guarantee you, that nobody will be upset if you admit that you’re only human, that you can't be happy all the time. Nobody in the troupe has ever expected that of you, even if they’ve gotten used to your antics, they won't judge you for the fact that you can’t keep them up. The only thing, that you have to decide to do for them to accept you as you are, is to explain this to them. That’s all, and nobody can take that first step other than you.” Taichi said seriously.

“I also happen to know how hard it is to take that first step, by yourself. I had Omi to help me along, he pushed me to tell the others what I’d done, even when I was convinced they could never forgive me, and even that I didn't deserve to be forgiven. He’s the one that helped me take that first step, and I’d like to do that too, for you.” Taichi looked up at the sky which was rapidly changing to a much brighter shade of blue.

“The others will probably wake up again soon, if we head back now, we might catch them before they leave the dorm again. Please, let me take you home, so we can talk to your troupe mates and sort this all out. I know that probably sounds impossible right now, but I know you can do it, and I’ll be right by your side while you do it. So, what do you say?”

Kazunari sighed shakily and nodded, looking absolutely exhausted. “I think I can do it, if it's just my troupe and you I think I can try and explain all of this. I just hope they understand.”

Taichi grinned brightly, feeling a wash of relief rush over him. “Really?! Wow, thank you for trusting me Kazu!” He let out a short bark of laughter. “I’ll be honest, was really floundering there for a while. I didn't know what so say at all, I’m so glad I didn’t make things even worse...” Taichi let out a sigh of relief. “Sorry about that, I ended up just spewing my feelings all over you there....”

“You said all the right things Tai-chan, at least I think so. I feel a lot better, if you'll really be with me I think I can manage this. Even if I still don't know if this’ll turn out alright, I'm going to trust your judgement over mine on this one, because clearly my judgement is all out of wack, today...”. Kazunari paused and shook his head to himself. “Actually my judgment has been out of commission for a while now, I think. The point is, I cant really trust myself right now, so I'm going to trust you, ok?” Kazunari’s voice was a bit shaky, but he put some effort into sounding reassuring for Taichi’s sake.

———————— ok POV switch heh

Taichi blinked and stared blankly at Kazunari for a solid minute before he seemed to gather himself, the words finally having settled in. With a mighty sniff Taichi wiped his eyes and dashed away the tears that hadn’t even had the chance to fall. “Thanks Kazunari, that means a lot. I won’t let you down, I promise.” Taichi grinned brightly, his voice gaining a steelly determination behind it. Taichi then, handed Kazunari the umbrella to hold and turned to pull something from the backpack he’d been carrying. Kazunari stared as Taichi placed a thick plastic poncho on his lap and a large thurmace in his other hand and took the umbrella from Kazunari once again.

“You actually managed to run pretty far away from the dorm, so you should put that poncho on, and there’s hot cocoa that Omi made in there. Even if you don’t want to drink it, just open it and hold it. At least the heat will warm you up a bit.” Taichi said, and he almost sounded like director, the way he was fussing over him.

Kazunari was certain that his cheeks were flushed red, but he was equally sure that was only because he was freezing. It definitely wasn’t because he was embarrassed or anything.

“Hey do you want me to call us a ride? I think that might be better than walking all the way back. Plus, it’ll give them a heads up so nobody leaves to look for us.” Taichi asked, and Kazunari almost immediately shook his head.

“I’m soaked to the bone and I seriously don’t need a lecture from Sakyo for ruining the apoulstry of his car, right now.” Kazunari laughed at his own joke, too bad the joke was too close to the truth. He really didn’t want to soak up and ruin anyone’s car by getting inside it the way he was.

Taichi’s smile wavered, he didn’t laugh. Then he took out his phone and was engrossed in typing for a minute, before Kazu realized what he was doing. He propped himself up against the wall and stood, and was shocked to see how hard it was to do so. His vision almost immediately started blurring and darkening as Kazunari leaned against the wall for support.

“Hey, wait! I can walk I swear, don’t call anybody here, I’m fine!” Kazunari blurted just as he heard the message send.

“Sakyo isn’t the only adult in our troupe with a car, you know.” Taichi replied, a little softly. Then, he nervously tapped his foot for a moment before he made eye contact with Kazu again, and spoke. “You said that you were going to trust me earlier, didn’t you? You can’t get all the way home like you are now, and unfortunately, I’m not strong enough to carry you all the way back.”

Kazunari blinked, and sighed.

He did ask for this after all.

He however, refused to sit down. He was gonna lean right against that wall until the ride came, whoever they were. That thought didn’t last more than five minutes though. Kazunari blinked furiously to clear the spots from his vision to no avail. Then, sighed in defeat and leaned against the wall to slide back down to the asphalt.

Taichi gave him a concerned look and Kazunari tried to ignore it, it was just then he was saved by the appearance of a vehicle, and almost immediately Kazu recognized it as Itaru’s. The car parked and Itaru opened got out of the car to join them.

Kazunari had to look away, because a part of him still couldn’t stand the wave of guilt when he saw the worry in his gaze. So, he fiddled with the hem of his shirt, like it was the most interesting thing in the world.

“Thanks, Itaru, for coming to pick us up.” Taichi said extra cheerily, though there was a dash of genuine grstitude hidden in there.

“It’s no problem. I’m glad you asked me, the others were already waking up and getting restless. They were almost about to start searching for you again when you texted me.” Itaru said with a wan smile of his own. “So, let’s get you two back to the dorm. Do you need a hand there Kazunari?”

“Nah’ I’m fi-“. Kazunari was about to say when Taichi pulled him up and propped him up.

“Yeah, Kazu, my buddy, nobody is gonna fall for that.”

“Alright, ok!” Kazunari sighed, and said “I’m super woozy and can barely stand up, yes I’d love some help.” He was too tired to keep up with this. Let the others do what they want, he’s taking a nap when he gets in that car.

Kazunari could hear Itaru let out a relieved chuckle, Taichi did the same not long afterward. When did he close his eyes?

“Happy to help, then.” Itaru idly commented as Kazu heard a car door open, he was gently shuffled into what he assumed was the back seat and his head was definitely resting on Taichi’s shoulder.

Someone strapped his seatbelt on, he assumed it was Taichi, and he heard the drivers door open and admit someone as well, probably Itaru getting in.

Kazunari was definitely getting sleepy and the last thing he remembered hearing, he wasn’t even sure he was dreaming yet or not. But the last thing be remembered hearing, was Taichi whisper.

“Sleep well, everything will turn out ok, I promise it will.”

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ma-lark-ey · 3 years

Text

I'm making this post the disclose my current opinions on the Dndads discourse and how frivolous its become.

I would like to preface with one thing;

This post contains content of grooming and manipulation, as this has been the main discussion in this fandom and the issues. I am speaking from my own personal experience, as a former victim of grooming who only recently escaped my abuser. I will not say their name, those who I feel comfortable knowing further information on this already know.

this is my trauma, and I am speaking from my experiences. This is one of the hardest possible topics I could touch on, and I beg anyone who still cares to listen, whether I change your mind or not. Listen.

I've wrestled with my support of this podcast for eleven weeks now. Maybe longer. Since before the discourse became a major thing. I've wrestled with this since episode 34 was released, and I need you understand that.

I need you to understand that I believe the hosts have done what they can to fix these issues. And I genuinely do not see what people still want from them. I will address each topic one at a time, and if I touch on things lesser than others, please understand that this discourse triggers a trauma that I underwent less than a year ago. a trauma I am still processing.

1. Grant, and his over sexualization.

The jokes revolving Grant and his sexual orientation or exploration were sometimes in very poor taste, I am not that blind. I will not defend them or say they weren't as bad as they are. But here'd what people have to think about when we talk about this; Those jokes are already in the episode. They cannot be removed, and the best the hosts can do about that is avoid that humor in the future. Humans are not perfect, and humor is ever growing part of a person, its always a tossup of if a joke will land or not. These did not, and they have not made these jokes since they got called on it.

On the Discord claims about them discussing his porn history, I can say nothing on that. I've seen no sources or proof that that happened. I won't make any opinions or comments on that until I've seen concrete proof that these conversations happened.

2. The Unsafe Discord.

They're Discord is no longer unsafe. Blanket statement, no discussion open. Here's the thing and here's where I'm going into my personal experience; Discords minor precautions arent up to par either. The DnDads hosts have made their 18+ channels, they've made the Discord clear to not be a totally kid friendly place and has tried to separate adults and minors. But they genuinely can only do so much. Minors can easily bypass these guidelines, and that is where we get to the whole grooming argument.

As a grooming victim, this is not the slippery slope people make it out to be. And adult fans,,this is where I'm telling you to sit down and shut up for a minute. Listen, for just a moment. I know I'm "just a kid" but, I've lived the possible outcomes you've thrown out. I lived that experience, and I lived. I survived, and the way you talk about it is so invalidating to me its absolutely disgusting.

I'm prefacing this with this may sound ineloquent, and not as "pleasant" as I usually like to sound. Because with this I expect people to listen. Its not in the public ass Discord server where you should watch out for the child. Its if you see an 18+ individual actively DMing that person, and this minor speaking about this person as if they're a major part of their life.

I need you to understand that I was genuinely wary of one of our own community members when I first began speaking with them, because of this trauma. I wary of ALL of our community members. I didn't share my other socials with people in this community unless I knew their content first. There have been multiple times I've stopped myself from messaging who I will call "My Annus" because of this trauma I've endured.

And I'm sorry, but Waterdeep genuinely has no precautions set in place to separate adults and minors that the DnDads Patreon does not. You cannot act like saints and villainize them, when they adjusted and became you. Then either both of you are saints or both of you are demons.

Children interacting with adults is always a bit set back at first. But I've been groomed. Twice. And you people act like its obvious, like it can happen so easily. And it does, it happens easily. First its them texting you so much you feel overwhelmed, then its them becoming someone you rely on. Someone who makes you pity them.

And its not gonna be people who are SIGNIFCANTLY older. (i.e, I feel much less worry interacting with 30 year olds than I do 18-22 year olds.) Because the adult people that feel 'more understandable' to be friends with cause their just barely adults? they tend to pry harder. They can get away with it. Thats just fact. The people who say "Oh I'm eighteen, but I just turned eighteen" I'm always the wariest of. Not because I'm convinced they're bad people or whatever, but because both times; my abuser was one of those people. This was two different people as well.

And thats what the adults of this fandom won't address. That its not the slope they've made it out to be. Because then they have to retract statements they made, and a lot of people, minors and adults, just don't have the humility to do that.

The only advice I can give to people in the server, who are worried for the minors. These are the only signs I can give you, and this is from my experience or the experience of other survivors I've spoken to, and I'm by no means saying this is concrete.

Abusers tend to be /just/ enough of an adult to be considered on, but not so old that it'll be considered weird for them to befriend a minor. The age gaps I see most often are 14/19 or in that kind of range. They'll go for the lonelier or newer folks, the ones who haven't built their group in the community and are just entering. The ones looking for their place in the hierarchy. If you want to help protect us, you watch like a mother bear when a new minor joins.

A lot of us don't realize its happening until its too late, and by the time we realize the situation we've fallen into its too late for us to get ourselves out. The majority of us have weak wills and a fear of conflict.

3. What the Hosts have done in response.

I honestly, genuinely think the hosts have done a lot of steps in the right direction. And in recent episodes? man, they've tagged their shit better than the McElroys, and no I'm not reaching there.

Honestly, they kind of did before to, on topics they knew were really rough for some people.

When they warned for the Willy Stapler stuff, I was grateful. They warned me I may be triggered by Ron and Willy's dynamic before I was forced with it. The McElroys had a scene with grooming in Grad, and I wasn't warned. I couldn't mentally prepare myself and I had a minor reaction to it. And thats not at all to shit on the McElroys, anyone who knows me know I love that family more than anything. That they saved me. Thats just a statement I need you all to understand.

The Hosts aren't "ignoring us" they're listening to us. They genuinely are. They saw we wanted content warnings, and they gave us some of the best content warnings I've seen. They've content warned episodes I didnt see reason for content warnings.

4. The Transcripts.

Look, this is beating a dead horse at this point. I, personally, have debated beginning to transcribe episode. I know they said they will, and I trust their word. But thats all we can really do, right?

I've transcribed things myself before, guys, and thats hard. and it takes time. and knowing them, they'll want to get all the current episodes up at once, and thats gonna take a hot minute to get down. And we can go into "Well why didnt they transcribe from the beginning?" and well, that's because transcribing just wasn't a thing until recently? Like again, going back to MBMBAM and McElroys, they don't even have all of TAZ transcribed last I checked (I believe their transcriptions go from Grad-Stolen Century, and anything before Stolen Century doesn't have one yet. I may be wrong on that.)

I will not speak on the other grievances and issues people have brought up in the show. The topics I covered are the only ones I feel comfortable speaking on on a public platform, where my words can sway opinions.

There is no TL;DR, because as I said in the beginning; if you can't read this, you aren't listening well enough nor willing to actually discuss the issues you have. You're looking for something to be mad about. Period, end of discussion.

I don't say that to act like I'm some authority on this, or some higher being above all of you for "being forgiving." Because, frankly I don't forgive them. I will continue to support them for making steps in the right direction, and upping their game. But, I won't forgive them for their jokes or the brief lack of precaution in the server. But, I will move on and I will support them. Because, as a victim of the problems people brought up in those situations, the steps the took are the best ones they could have. And I am grateful for that.

If other survivors read this and disagree, you're perfectly valid in that. We all went something, and it effects each of us differently. My heart goes out to you, as well, I know how isolating and genuinely terrifying those experiences and situations can be.

To those who aren't survivors and have read this; I beg you to think about this.

I am open to discussion further on this, but to an extent. There are some opinions I hold in this message that I will flat out tell you to not debate me on, not because of anything other than what I said in this post was hard enough to me to say.

Thank you for your time. EDIT: I implore anyone reading to the read the notes on this post, more information and discussion can be found and all of it is just as important.

#dndads #dndads discourse #discourse #dungeons and daddies

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dxmedstudent · 4 years

Text

DX update

So you may remember that I’ve been self-isolating for COVID-19 type symptoms. I’ve been looking after confirmed patients (albeit the mildly affected ones who are wardable), so it’s pretty likely this is the real deal, even thuogh it’s too late to test me, now. I’m doing OK - this is not a scary Boris-style update. I just thought since I haven’t spoken much that I should let you all know that I’m doing OK. My symptoms are mostly better - the myalgia and headaches have mostly died down, though they were pretty annoying at their worst. I described it as feeling like an Ent - waking up in the afternoon was a pain because you just didn’t want to get out of bed if it made you feel sore and creaky. I only got up and about because I didn’t want a DVT. The abdominal symptoms are bearable but still nigglingly present. I can’t wait for my tummy to stop feeling achey and upset - but since I have IBS I’m used to that enough that it’s no biggie. I’m not feverish any more. I feel less SOB, though I only felt mildly so at times - like you’re a bit more out of puff than usual. The cough is mostly better, but sometimes it kicks off again pretty annoyingly. I’ve walked out of this without my sense of smell, but that’s likely to come back, eventually. If this is all I have to sacrifice during this pandemic, then I’m lucky. I feel generally less shitty - I was feeling pretty sorry for myself at the beginning of the week but I feel much more myself, now. I’m still probably really tired - I haven’t had a chance to test my stamina since I got ill because all I’m allowed to do is stay in my room. But I have a feeling that when I go back to work I’m going to feel really wiped. What’s it like having likely coronavirus? In my case, like the flu. Shitty, but not life-threateningly so. And yet, the thing they don’t warn you about is how it’ll play on your mind - knowing that you might be one of the unlucky ones to get really sick. And knowing that you have to try your best not to infect anyone. One of my dear friends is also going through it, and the fear is real. The worst thing is that usually when you’re ill people want to come round and make you feel better, but when you’re likely to have coronavirus that’s usually the worst thing that can happen. Unfortunately, you still have all the same instincts to seek love and reassurance that you usually have when you are sick - so you know that you should stay alone, but you might still crave being taken care of, or at least kept company. Because the people we love make us feel better.

Review: 2/10 stars. I would not recommend getting coronavirus. 2 stars because it scores you a few days off work, but you have to stay at home and you’ll probably feel miserable. I’ve been trapped in a flat I’m not fond of (It’s OK but not exactly home) for a week, even though the weather is nice and I’d love to go outside. Though fortunately I’m very well supplied with food and medicine and entertainment. I’ve been talking daily with family, the Guy and my friends, all of whom have done their best to entertain me and make me take care of myself. I’ve been sleeping a lot. A lot. I haven’t really had the energy to do anything but sleep and play games, TBH. When I’ve dragged myself out of bed to video chat with loved ones or take part in activities like playing games, or a virtual pub quiz with his friends, I’ve recuperated by zonking out the rest of the time. I might look quite functional at a distance, but that’s only because I’ve been sleeping almost all the rest of the time. My family call me every day to make sure I’m alive - they see the stories of nurses in their 30s suddenly dying, and it’s very real to them. I feel bad for them - if it was my kid sick with coronavirus I’d probably be scared, too. But I can’t do anything to take the worries away, when none of us know what the long term sequelae might be. I am glad they didn’t tell my relatives until I was much better - I really don’t want my entire extended social circle to think I’m dying, and there’s really no need for everyone to stress over me. My siblings have been encouraging my Animal Crossing obsession. It’s not th only game I’ve been playing in isolation, but it’s something that’s been easy to play even when I feel pretty rotten. It happened to come out at just the right time to make me feel better, and that’s pretty lucky. My friends check in every day - they reminded me that I won our sweepstake on ‘who catches coronavirus first’ - sadly there is no prize unless you count myalgia as a win. We spend the days sharing useful information about coronavirus, but also just trying to keep each other sane. Another of my friends is sick, and she seems to have gone down a bit worse than I have, so I hope she gets well soon. Colleagues are going down in their droves, according to our sickness reporting group, but I don’t know how unwell most of them are. I hope they are doing OK. I haven’t managed to catch up with everyone I care about yet, because messaging gets kind of overwhelming when you don’t feel great. I worry about a lot of people, but I can’t keep up with everyone right now, so I’ve had to take my time and conserve my energy. Still, I’ve been checking in with as many friends as I can, and so far almost everyone is doing OK. I’m hoping to keep connected with as many of them as I can, and already planning things to do with them. The Guy checks up on how I’m feeling daily. He’s much more zen about things, and his approach is always “If I can’t change it, I should try not to stress about it”. Which means he took our separation better than me, at least when I was feeling sick. I think that’s partly because whilst he hopes this may be over shortly, I know it’s going to be a long haul. Though he does have to tell me to take it easy and look after myself every day so I guess he’s not stress free XD I know this must be stressful for him, too but he can’t change the risks I’m facing. That said, he’s more the quiet, practical sort, anyway. So rather than moping, he suggests playing games or watching things together and invites me to whatever he’s doing with his friends - he did before, whenever I was around, but now that everything’s online it’s easier to be there. Now that his friends have transferred to roll20 under the lockdown, he’s invited me to join their DnD campaign because he knows how much I miss DnD - and him. It’s funny how little things can make a big difference, when they are all you have to look forward to. I haven’t been looking forward to my days off, at all because I no longer had stuff to do - but he and I try to book activities on weekend days so it still feels special. My friends are a lot busier than his (because medics) so we haven’t done as much though we talk often, but I’m grateful that his friends have basically adopted me. As a left over from my friendless days I always feel a bit awkward joining a group or making friends but they’ve been very welcoming and that makes me happy because I know it makes him happy. At first I felt like an impostor in all their group chats (guys, have you arrived in a relationship when you’re in nearly all the group chats? I’m pretty sure that’s a milestone or something), but I’m gradually accepting that they genuinely don’t mind me being there. Which is nice. They mean a lot to him, so I respect them and want to be a good friend, and I genuinely like them too.

I��m looking forward to going back to work. I’m not sure I’m 100% over this - I’m fine from a rules point of view, I’m just not 100% better. But I have to try and see how I get on. I need to be occupied and useful, because otherwise I’m just going to stress and sleep all day and feel mildly guilty about being sick. Which I’ve been told I should not be feeling, but there it is. We’ll see how things go.

#personal #covid-19 journal

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