#i imagine shit was poppin off

[norrizzandpia]

this is about oscar? part 3 but its freak by doja cat 🙏🏻

I fear y/n has released an entire album this time lol @golden-flora

The Album (OP81)

Summary: She’s done singles, one song at a time about her and Oscar’s sex life, but, now, she’s ready for a whole album.

Warnings: dirtiest one of the series, sexual discussions, Oscar being cocky

Note: THE NEXT INSTALLMENT OF THE WHO IS OSCAR PIASTRI SERIES IS HERE EVERYONE!!!! Hope you like it, i added some new things. First, as you know, y/n releases an album here, but, also, at the end, instead of smau, it’s just a regular story abt them on a podcast 🤭

y/nnn Oscar, the album, out tonight with a track list of Freak, Agora Hills, Dick, and Pussy Poppin 🤭

Comments:

Mclarensgirly SHE NAMED THE WHOLE THING OSCAR IM FUCKING CRYING

F1fan2023 using a photo McLaren took is cray

- y/nnn say it with me everyone: he looks hot!

- Mclarensgirly he looks hot!

- ln4andop81 he looks hot!

- f1fan81 he looks hot!

landonorris plz. plz don’t release it. I’ve never felt terror like this in my entire life after seeing that track list

- y/nnn don’t you put your life on the line every weekend to drive a car?

- landonorris yes.

oscarpiastri anyone want to come to the listening party?

- Danielricciardo no.

- landonorris absolutely fucking not

- logansargeant YOU THINK IM GOING TO BE LISTENING TO THESE???

- y/nnn y’all are some fake ass bitches

oscarpiastri haha have fun everyone!!!

- ln4andop81 mans is enjoying himself

- oscarpiastri more than enjoying myself

- landonorris like I’ll literally kill you

—

TWITTER

Mclarensgirly i would just like to say that this is the man all those songs are about

- ln4andop81 i mean she did say “tied him down to my queen bed” in freak so that pic does fit the sub allegations

- f1fan2023 she also said “love it when he hit and smack too” in agora hills

- Mclarensgirly also said “hold me down, when a hole need dick”

- f1fan81 also said “he want a quickie, let him lick me, then I started gasping. The way his tongue be going crazy, you wouldn’t imagine. I let him stick me, hair got frizzy, I might let him crash it”

- Mclarensgirly also said “He put that woo all down my throat until i started coughing.”

- ln4andop81 OKAY OKAY I GET IT 😭

- ln4andop81 but also like… lets talk abt it

- Mclarensgirly IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS

- f1fan2023 “he like it when i bend it over and i arch my back. He tap me on my shoulders, i said ‘yeah, i like that’” YOURE KIDDING.

- ln4andop81 i envision that in my head at night

- Mclarensgirly oh?

- ln4andop81 moving on! “Pull the panties to the side, watch a movie and make it two. We just finished number one, but I’m ready for round two” YUM.MY.

- F1fan81 sometimes i wonder if I’m jealous of Oscar or jealous of y/n

- Mclarensgirly real.

- ln4andop81 we also need to talk about Dick bc she literally goes “i met the boy in the 6, but measurements wasn’t a six” UHHHHHHH

- f1fan2023 it baffles me that he’s packing that seriously

- ln4andop81 nothing baffles me when it comes to that boy now that y/n sang “When I made a little mess on it, he told me to clean my act up” BRUHHHH THATS FUCKING HOT AS SHIT

- Mclarensgirly “Skirt up, fuck in the backseat. Take that shirt off, baby, put it on me. Got me like ‘yeehow’, ride it like a horsey. Kinda like seesaw, up and down on the D, give it to him” McLaren’s kicking and crying rn bc they know they cant take their car back from Oscar after y/n confirmed they christened it

- f1fan2023 okay okay but can we talk about “suck a little dick in the bathroom” in agora hills (slay song btw i ate that shit up)

- ln4andop81 YEAH BC IM GOING TO NEED SOME MORE INFO THAN THAT. WHEN. WHERE. WHAT.

- F1fan81 i bet your ass it was in the mtc

- ln4andop81 or in the Australian Grand Prix paddock remember when no one could find him after the face was over and all he said he was with y/n? SHE HAD TO HAVE BEEN GIVING HIM CELEBRATORY HEAD

- Mclarensgirly honestly? They prob did it in both

- oscarpiastri mhm

—

Oscar and Y/n sat next to each other on the soft sofa of the studio. They giggled with the podcast host as she said their introduction.

“Breaking the internet right now with their sex life, Oscar Piastri and Y/n Y/l/n! Hi, guys, welcome.” Samantha, the host, spoke to them.

Y/n and Oscar mumbled pleasantries, their legs squished together even with all the space to Y/n’s left. The woman was quick to getting into the topic of conversation, having already discussed boundaries with the couple before the cameras started rolling.

“So, Y/n, you’ve just released a small album that focuses mostly on Oscar and the things you two get up to in the bedroom. Were you ever nervous to share these songs with the world?”

Y/n nodded, “At first, yeah, all the way back when we started with 34+35, but it got easier once I saw the overwhelming support for it. I think the best part about releasing them is seeing the jokes that the fans make about Oscar and that side of him.”

Samantha smiled, “That leads me to my next question, Oscar, were you ever nervous to have people know about that side of you? Seeing as it was such a shocker.”

He laughed as he adjusted his position, throwing an arm around his girlfriend, “Um, well, I didn’t think it was that shocking. We didn’t expect people to go haywire over hearing that I lean more towards the dominant side. We kind of assumed people inferred that.”

Samantha’s jaw dropped, “Really?! Oh! I’ll be honest, I was quite surprised when I heard it.”

Y/n shook her head, “I don’t know, I guess the way Oscar is in front of cameras is drastically different from how he actually is. He’s still very soft spoken and quiet, but a bit more outgoing.”

Samantha nodded as she glanced over her next question, “Oscar, what’s your favorite song off this album?”

“Oh, I am so ready for this. Agora Hills.” He answered immediately, smiling proudly at the others in the room.

Y/n turned to look at him, “Really?! Why?!”

His head leaned from side to side, “Just, it’s more romantic? I mean, you talk about tying the knot alongside the sex stuff.”

Y/n and Samantha laugh at his comment, Samantha agreeing, “No, I see what you’re saying. Y/n, you do say you want to show him off multiple times throughout the song.”

“Because I do!” She exclaimed, leaning into her boyfriend lovingly.

He kissed her temple, listening intently to Samantha.

“Your interactions with the fans are hilarious. Do you guys look forward to fucking with them?”

“Hell yeah!” Oscar exclaimed, “Once I caught wind of the fact that they didn’t think I did shit in the bedroom, I became very obnoxious when rubbing what happens between Y/n and I in their faces.”

Y/n cooed jokingly, “Aw, Osc, was your masculinity damaged?”

He rolled his eyes at her, laughing at her dig and pushing her away softly. They came back together, though.

“Before we move on from this subject, I want to ask Y/n, was the over six inches comment really true?” Samantha eyed her as Y/n glanced beside her at Oscar, silently asking him if she could do what he knew she wanted to do.

He nodded at her, shaking his head lightly as she said, “A lady never kisses and tells.”

Silence passed as she raised her hands and aimed them around nine inches apart. Winking suggestively at the camera, the women in the room gasped.

“IS THAT NINE INCHES?!” Samantha screamed, causing all of them to fall into a fit of giggles.

Y/n brought the microphone to her mouth and whispered, “Oh, yeah, it is.”

#mclaren #f1 x reader #f1 fanfic #f1 imagine #f1 fic #mclaren formula 1 #lando norris #oscar piasstri #oscar pia #oscar piastri x reader #oscar piastri fanfiction #oscar piastri imagines #oscar piastri fanfic #oscar piastri imagine #oscar piastri #oscar piastri fluff #oscar piastri smut #daniel ricciardo #logan sargeant

[lingeriae]

I can't stop thinking about how choso would deal with you if you had caught attitude w him....

like imagine yall chilling an shit and you peep a girl tryna link up with him, or him laughing at some bitch message and of course choso would never cheat or do some dumbshit like that, but you still get upset. huffin and puffing about the place, ignorning him while he's tryna talk to you, kissing your teeth and rolling your eyes after him, and this man would be sitting down wondering why tf you acting out but choosing not to say nothin thinking you just in a mood or smth.

his last straw would be you making plans o o places without telling him, like he's laid out on the bed, shirt riding up showing his happy trail and shit, and you just bust out of the bathroom after taking forever in their.

short shorts on, a crop top that made your titties spill out, your edges laid ASF and lip gloss poppin. choso woulld lift up his head eyeing you while licking his lips before asking where yall going. now you would side-eye him before replying with a mouth full off sass.

"IM going out with my homegirls, you can stay here and talk to them lil hoes in your phone, fuck ass nigga."

now you would mumble that last part thinking your slick but best believe papi choso heard that shit and was right on your ass. my mans would sit up so fast looking you up and down asking you what the fuck you just said only for you to keep them pretty lips pursed trying your best to ignore him. he woud get up and walking to you, getting all up in your space wrapping his hands around your throat as he looked at you with low lidded eye, that shit was enough to have a teardrop sliding down your leg.

and yall know choso's voice is fucking deep, so imagine him all up in your face telling you bout how he's gon fix your attitude, your clothes coming off immediately and your pretty ass being bend over the bed.

he would spank that pretty ass for you, making sure to rub it after each strike and making sure you were telling him just how sorry you were and how you promised to be good for him next time and he'd say something like "yeah, that's right mama, gon make sure you never pull some shit like that again." and after that he'd fuck you so hard you'd forget the reason you even caught an attitude in the first place.

#writtenbyjae🧘🏾‍♀ #x black reader #jjk x black reader #jjk choso #jjk x reader #jujutsu kaisen #jujustsu kaisen x reader #kamo choso #choso x black!reader #choso x reader #jjk imagines #just a thought #jujustu kaisen x black reader #choso x you #choso #jjk🌟

[thelaundrybitch]

Employment Opportunities - TMNT HCs

TURTLE DOVES

I hath finished some HCs that have been sitting in my drafts for FOREVER 👀

Please enjoy

TW: Thirsty bitch ahead. And some swear words.

Please don't steal my work. Reblogging for others to enjoy is highly encouraged, though 🤩

These are Jobs I can see the guys doing once accepted into society...

Raph 

Fire Chief. 

Probably Fire Marshall. 

Cuz boyfriend be hot hot hot

Dressed in that SCBA gear

Barking out orders to his men

Ripping down walls with his ax 🪓

Using ONE HAND to hold the fire hose while it spews tons of water at tremendous speeds 💦💦💦

Running into burning buildings to save children

Saving kittens from trees

Might also be a bartender.

Working those beer taps

Shaking up those margaritas

Poppin the tops off of beer bottles with his biceps 💪

Flirting with EVERYONE

Raking those tits tips in

But also

Bouncer backup™ 

boi-oi-oing

Don 

Forensics. 

Getting super into all the creepy, weird shit

Thinks about things that the detectives wouldn't ever even consider

Could actually, most likely, solve every case by himself

But that's a pain in the ass

And a lot of paperwork 📄🖇️

I could also see him being a judge. 🧑🏾‍⚖️

Seeing right through all the lawyer BS

Putting away the bad guys

Giving punk ass teens a shit load of community service

Tossing out parking tickets for all the little old ladies

Would definitely be a movie critic on the side 🎞️🍿

Acting more like Stetler and Waldorf 😂💜

Mike 

Animal Control Officer. 

Especially the big scary shit. 

Like crocodiles. 🐊

Or Huntsman spiders. 🕷️

I can see him Snow Whiting that shit too. 

*Sings sweetly and turns into the Pied Piper for all animals*

And sometimes women

Mike, as the animal control officer, would be like 

Crocodile Dundee x Steve Irwin. 

Asshole would be yelling CRIKEY at the worst moments.

Arrives at someone's house

Walks across the lawn to get to the backyard

For a run-of-the-mill opossum removal 

Finds your dog's chewed-up crocodile stuffed toy lying in the yard

Screams, "CRIKEY!"

right before you step on it and scaring the ever-loving shit out of you

As he dives in front of you and wrestles the toy like Ace Ventura

Tells you he's billing you for hazard pay 😂

He's totally only kidding

But still an ass 🧡

Leo  

OSHA inspector 😂💙 

Chief of all safety 

And the world's best asshole. 

"I'm sorry, sir. That cracked outlet cover is a direct OSHA violation." 😂

"No, ma'am, I will not drop the $5000 violation for all the missing grounding prongs on the shop vacs."

Would probably work part-time for a boys' teen center

Where all the little rat bastards delinquents like to hang out

And cause major shit

Teaching them respect

And Honor™ 

Through free ninjitsu classes 🥷🏽

I can also see him being a Fire Inspector. 

Working with the broski

Can you imagine?

Having Red and Blue show up at your workplace for a walkthrough inspection?

Bye bye panties 🩲

Oh shit

I'm on fire🔥

Safety Violation in progress

Get out those hoses

And hose me down, boys

🔥🔥💙❤️🔥🔥

Enjoying my work? Find my Master list HERE

~Tags~

@leosgirl82 @sharpwindow @post-apocalyptic-daydream @scholastic-dragon @m1dnyt3-w0lf @symmetricalkazekage @raphsmuneca @happymoonangel @eveandtheturtles @tinkabelle19 @miss-andromeda @tmnt-tychou @android-cap-007 @drowninghell @raphslovemuffin80 @meowph-132 @jurikyu-blog @xanadu-702 @iheartchv @zombiesnips-blog @lazygirlfanfic0-0 @soryuwifeyxx @fyreball66 @dangerous-collection-nightmare @bonsaiturt47 @screamingnoodl @sais-matters @shakeyourtrees @peaches4daddy

*If you aren’t on this list, please let me know if you want me to tag you in my other work or if you prefer me to not tag you 😘

#thelaundrybitch #tmnt #tmnt bayverse #tmnt aged up #teenage mutant ninja turtles #tmnt hcs #tmnt headcanons #bayverse tmnt #tmnt leonardo #tmnt raphael #tmnt donatello #tmnt michelangelo #tmnt leo #tmnt raph #tmnt donnie #tmnt mikey

[melodygatesauthor]

MELODY!!!

hello.

Just poppin in to ask you what are your thots on the moon boys if they were jealous?👀

Ohhhh yess NONNIE YES OK OK OK.

I won't go the Yandere route (though I do have a request sitting in my inbox for Yandere MK and I'm more than excited)

Thots/NSFW below the cut - Got carried away w/ this one.

Ok I'm going to assume that they're jealous of someone else and not each other. - For fun, let's say they saw you drooling over a character on TV.

Steven

Definitely will require lots of reassurance before he feels less jealous.

"You sure seemed to like that character on TV the other day."

Is watching your reaction every single time the character pops up on TV. Feels a lottle upset at how sparkly your eyes get when they're on screen.

When you finally realize how jealous he is you remind him that your reality is so much better than the silly fantasy you imagined with the character.

When it comes time for sex later, Steven's got his whole body flush against yours while he thrusts into you.

"Gonna make you forget all about what's their name, love."

"Think they'd have you whimpering and crying like this?" He's asking with his mouth pressed to your ear.

"Steven, it's just a character on TV I-"

He's covering your mouth, not wanting to hear you say another word about it while he slams his thick cock into you over and over.

"I don't want to hear you talk about them yeah? It's just me now, I'm the one makin' you feel good."

Steven's proud to see his cum trickling out of your cunt and onto the bedsheets as though he's reminded you that no one will ever make you feel the way he does.

Marc

Marc sees the way you look at the character on TV and watches your eyes light up.

Never seen her look at me like that, he thinks. He watches you to see if you keep looking at them like that. You bite your lip, his brow is pulled together tightly.

Marc is changing the channel almost immediately.

"I was watching that." You protest.

"Yeah, I saw." He's saying in a gruff tone, flipping through the channels.

You grab his arm, "are you jealous...of a character on TV?"

He's saying no, but you notice that he's grumpy any time you mention wanting to watch the show again.

Later that night, you're on top of Marc, looking down at his darkened frustrated eyes and slowly lowering yourself over his cock.

"Marc, you feel so good, shit." You're gasping and holding back screams while he bucks his hips upward into you.

"Tell me more, tell me how good I feel baby." Marc is practically begging.

You continue to tell him how good he feels, and how no one else could ever make you feel that way.

He fucks up into you until his cum is squeezing out of you over his cock.

You still never get to watch that show with Marc again.

Jake

Jake's not beating around the bush. The first time you start swooning over another man, fictional or otherwise, he's got the remote and the TV is off.

"Jake, I was watching that."

"I saw what you were watching, bebita." A sly smirk crosses his lips.

"Jake I-" You start protesting but he's grabbing your jaw, middle and forefinger pushing past your lips and resting on your tongue.

"Don't make this harder than it needs to be."

He has you naked, on your knees in front of him with his legs spread wide within seconds.

He's taking a long draw from his cigarette and blowing it in your face.

Jake's asking you, "what is it about that pendejo that has mi bebita so worked up...huh?"

You're shaking your head, "Jake it's just a character from-"

He doesn't care, and after several leather gloved spankings later, you're on the couch, back pressed against his chest, cock sheathed deep within your cunt, and his face pressed against your jaw.

"You want me to start moving, cariño?" You're begging for friction, for him to fuck you. You're begging so much you're in tears.

His fingers have been resting on your clit unmoving for nearly ten minutes, and you've been cock-warming him for the same length of time, just feeling it gently pulsating inside of you.

"Jake, please, I'm sorry I won't look at them again, I need you to-"

And oh he does, until you can hardly remember your own name, let alone some character on TV.

#got really carried away #jake lockley #jake lockley x reader #jake lockley x you #jake lockley fiction #jake lockley headcanon #steven grant fiction #steven grant headcanon #steven grant fic #steven grant fanfiction #steven grant #marc spector fiction #marc spector headcanon #marc spector x reader #marc spector x you #marc spector #moon knight drabble #moon knight fanfiction #moon knight fic #moon boys #moon knight

[lookismaddict]

Lookism Chapter 431 Memes/Thoughts I Have:

(SPOILERS !!! I don’t own any of the Lookism panels and the translations. Only the memes that I made.)

Sorry for the late post, I had no idea that I was going to be a bit busy today. 🙏🏽 BUT GOD, THE SUSPENSE WAS KILLING ME FROM THE LAST CHAPTER. LET’S SEE WHO THE NEWEST MEMBER IS… 👀

I FUCKING KNEW IT!!!!!!! 😫😫😫😫

AND LOOK AT HIM, WEARING THE SAME CLOTHES AS TAESOO MA!!!! 😳 I think it was pretty obvious because Daniel Park did say that they’ll meet each other again.

HE’S EVEN WEARING THE SAME COAT AS TAESOO MA!!! And THAT’S the reason why he decided to join? Understandable. Eli Jang will eventually get his wake up call in the future. 😬

I miss this type of interaction between Jay and Daniel. It reminds me of the older Lookism chapters when they used to go to school and Daniel used to be the mediator. I’m just glad that we get to see Jay and Daniel together again, regardless if it’s Daniel in his OG body. 😭💞

OHHHHHH YEAHHHHHH, THE BADASSES ARE IN BUSINESS. ALL IN ONE CREW. 😎✨

ZACK BAHAHAHAHAHAHA. THIS HAD ME LMAAAAOOOOOO WHAT A MOOD.

BRUH. THESE PANELS OF SAMUEL BEING AN INSANE GOOF IS KILLING ME. 💀💀💀 HELP-

I honestly feel bad for him. He's been injected like TWICE so far. Wthhh 😭

OHHHHHH MY GOD. THAT TRANSITION???? HELLO??? IT’S ONE OF OUR FAV BLONDES!!!!! AHHHHHH I’VE BEEN WONDERING WHERE HE’S BEEN ALL THIS TIME. 

PLEEEEASE, THE WAY HE’S WEAK FROM SHOTS BUT NOT WEAK FROM FIGHTING ANYONE.

THE BABY BAND-AID, I- SDHFJSDHFSJDFJSD HE’S SUCH A BABYYYYYYY. AHHHHHHHHHHH I CAN’T. 

BROOOOO LOOK AT THIS FOOL. HE’S ALL GUCCI-ED OUT BRUH LIKE DAYUUUUUUM. His outfit could pay off my rent. (God, simping for this man is like a guilty pleasure. sheesh)

UMMMMM SIR. YOU’RE SAYING ALL OF THIS IN FRONT OF A DOCTOR????? Realistically, he’d call the police. Unless, if he’s affiliated with HNH Group or The Workers, thennnn... that’s probably why? IDK ANYMORE LMAO.

Also, tell me why I thought he was Seongjun Baek from Viral Hit for a second. 😂😂😂😂

Ummm... Are y’all REALLY going to talk about this right now?

WHILE YOU TWO ARE FALLING???????? 😰

Jake Kim, the GOAT. HE’S SUCH A GOOD GUY, AHHHHHHH. WE DON’T DESERVE JAKE. 😭😭😭😭 God, he’s such a kind soul. ❤️

She’s pretty and all, but I still resent her for what she did when she was still with the Workers. 😤

E W. LMAAOOOOOOOO NO.

PTJ really drawing pretty panels out here. 

EWWWWWWW x2 LMFAAAAOOOOOO. GET FUCKED.

THIS IS SUCH A PRETTY SCENE ASDHFKJASDHFHJSDHF. DISNEY PRINCESS, WHO???? (Even though, I wouldn’t consider her as one because... yk... Wow, I really have mixed feelings about this.)

I guess they have their own “happy ending” even though Vivi doesn’t really deserve it imo lol. 

JAMES LEE ALWAYS BE POPPIN WITH STYLE. HE SERVIN!!! 💅🏽

BRUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. PTJ REALLY GIVING US THESE ANGLES MAN. WTFFFFFFFFFFF???? BRO I CAN’T IMAGINE HOW THE JAMES LEE FANS MUST HAVE FREAKED OUT OVER THIS PANEL. HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA IM SOBBIN. 💀💀💀💀💀💀 (like, “Yes sir, let me sit on your lap.”) 

For the James Lee simps: If you were to be there watching, what would you do? 😈

LMFAAAAOOOOOOO HE LOOKS SO FUNNY SITTING THERE, LEANING ONTO THAT LOW ASS CHAIR. WHY IS HE LEANING BACK LIKE THAT? BRUH I’M DEAD. 😭😭😭💀💀💀💀💀 HE LOOKS LIKE HE NEEDS TO TAKE A SHIT DURING THIS MEETING WITH EUGENE, SO HE HAD TO LEAN BACK JUST TO HOLD IT IN HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Ayo Eugene, you better tell him once he does his part of the deal. No games pls, bc you play too much. 😘

#lookism #lookismaddict #lookism webtoon #lookism spoilers #lookism spoiler #lookism memes #daniel park #zack lee #lookism vasco #jay hong #hudson ahn #samuel seo #johan seong #goo kim #xiaolung #lookism eugene #james lee

[prpfs]

what’s poppin’🏁🏎️💸 ! on the prowl for a motorsports-themed male oc x male oc longterm roleplay. with elements from f1, nascar, and motogp, if you are sat thinking i don’t know jackshit about motorsports, that’s alright, i can fill you in on the details, or we can imagine up a whole new sport, but i will be bothering you endlessly with world-building and details either way.

please bring me forth a character for me to ruin, that is equal energied to my asshole, thinks the sun shines out his ass, detached from reality driver. all elements of a relationship are appealing - but something violently unhealthy, hidden from the imposing media, riddled with inner conflicts from both parties is top tier. let’s spotlight the cracks in the industry - the infighting, contract dismissals, drug abuse, publicity stunts and fails, and stir it up with two fucks that use one another as an outlet, and then proceed to taken on deep-rooted emotional baggage.

indulge me in: my driver and a rival driver, dying for self-made facing off against spoilt pay-driver that has had everything handed to him. my driver and a pit crew member that he has zeroed all his ill-intent to and has chosen to vent his frustrations on. my driver and hired pr that has been paid an extortionate amount of money to keep him in check, and it is not worth it. my driver and his stimulant dealer that he grown an overreliance on, through multiple facets. my driver and his team manager in a horribly wrong abuse of power. share whatever ideas come to fruition, i would really love to workshop and flesh this out with you.

misc shit: eighteen and over only, nsfw content desired but story and characters favoured in equal measures. discord server based, and literacy is a must, i’m flexible but i can run you anywhere between three and seven paragraphs. please show enthusiasm, getting to know my partner gets me ten times more invested in the rp, and i will be spitting straight hcs, music mixes and inspiration about our guys on the offset. respectfully, please dni if you engage in rpf with real life drivers. inspiration from real people and events is fine, but crossing the line will make me uncomfortable. like and i’ll pm you when i get the chance!!

leave a like if you're interested and anon will get back to you!

#motorsports rp #ocxoc rp #oc rp #oc roleplay #mxm rp #gay rp #dead dove #dead dove rp #discord rp

[kobblefort]

Rushsly: The Early Days 2

She's done it! Osgi made a wool turban. Besides "menacing with spikes of sheep wool"(???) it has no real interesting aspects, but it's pretty valuable and now I have one less kobold meltdown to worry about. The kobolds also demanded I build a temple for "The Goldenrod Creed," a religion about worshipping rainbows and the rain. And yeah sure I can get down with rainbows, I fuck with rainbows.

Looks pretty cool I think. Their priest is called "Holy Fish." I gave the job to a new arrival called "Cokuk Warnbarbs" and I'm sure I won't regret placing a hateful, greedy kobold in a position of religious authority.

Humans showed up to trade and seem to just be stuck here. The rabbits haven't left either. We didn't actually have any crafts to trade with the humans so they just sort of stood around. Eventually I read that when this happens you can get them to leave by deleting the trade depot. However this also made the humans just drop everything they brought and leave. I guess that made it our stuff. Well this could be a funny exploit but I don't know if they'll just see it as stealing.

Before the migrant wave even finishes I have to make it clear that this is not a hunter-friendly fortress. If you want to run around shooting arrows do that shit somewhere else. We don't do that here.

We're getting quite a sizeable population now and whoa hey hold up what the fuck

Some ratfolk dickhead broke in!!! A peasant Almda is just punching the absolute fuck out of her. Just going at her head like a fucking speedbag.

I mean holy shit

I love when they say this.

As Almda beat the ratfolk to death, a woodcrafter created their masterpiece across the room. Can you imagine being that kobold. Just like "whoa, that's crazy. I'm busy though"

Things are going smoothly. I'm trying a different bedroom setup for once. Glass production is going kind of slow, they keep canceling stuff because they "need sand-bearing item" (it's usually right next to them but they won't use it for some reason) I'm sure there's some way to fix this but I'm not sure what it is. "I ball to remember" - thought that came to me so vividly while i walked through the kitchen that I had to say it out loud. "I ball to forget" the only logical conclusion to that thought.

Rushsly was elevated to a Warren (kobble version of a barony) and crystal glass operations are up and fucking running baby!!! Big things poppin!!!!! We also have enough fucking iron and billon to get absolutely rich but the faster the economy go up the sooner we're likely to get raided and there's still no military here. You might be wondering how I got all these magma furnaces without embarking on a volcano or digging into Caverns 3 well baby I fucking cheated. I busted open DFhack with ` and I went to gui/liquids and I made some little magma pockets. I don't know how to get kobbles to move around buckets of magma without killing themselves in the process but if I did I would still probably do this. I'm still ultimately just using the resources I have and I'd never outright cheat to fix a kobble's mood or survive a siege or anything like that, sometimes I just get sick of the clerical bullshit! Maybe that sounds fun to you. Maybe it sounds insane for me to say that about a game that is, in essence, literally just clerical bullshit, but what is more insane than caring? I am still going to attempt to make steel completely legitimately, if you think me speeding things up so that I don't have to deforest the entire map and wait three times as long for the coal to actually get moved around ruins the integrity of the fortress then I don't know just stop fucking reading and you'll be better off.

We are also establishing a hospital even before we establish a barracks (I have decided to go the military route after all though traps are still in the cards) and guess how I got those water tiles two z-levels beneath those wells. Go ahead guess. Actually it's not a great solution because they will eventually dry up given enough use and I certainly don't want to manually re-fill them but by the time that becomes a problem I should be able to breach the caverns (relatively) safely and make me a mother fucking pump stack. I refuse to use windmills because I believe they make power too easy while also providing a really bad defensive weakness (I have had a forgotten beast break in through the axle tunnels and slaughter my entire fortress because of that one-tile-wide vulnerability) so drawing waterwheel power from the caverns is simply what I'm going to have to do. And yes I know that's a weird double standard for a guy who magically summons the water and magma from console commands but this is not a competitive game!!! When you boot up Dwarf Fortress it's YOUR choice whether you want to play as some kind of omnipotent god, minor deity, or literally just advisor to your little ant-farm of fake people. And I like being a minor deity with power over little time-and-effort-saving things but ultimately leaving matters of actual survival in the hands of my kobbles.

Just found a fat-ass native platinum vein, you wish you were me so bad.

A big part of why I'm so hesitant to breach the cavern layers is actually just that once you do, all your un-floored areas start growing cave fungus, which I hate. It can even start growing trees which will bust through your entire base but you can't really cut them down early you just have to literally build floor over them which is annoying and takes up so many resources. Some of it, like the red fungus, looks cool but most of it just looks ugly. However it does let you pasture your animals indoors which is always a boon, invaders fucking love to kill animals and if you can just have them sealed off in their own little chamber where nothing bad happens to them you don't have to worry about them. Once the kobolds get barracks set up and a bit of training under their belts I guess I'm just going to have to deal with it.

Right we've fucked around long enough, barracks time. And I smoothed them because if they're going to be stuck "constant training" they may as well get to enjoy the place. I particularly like having the dungeon right next to the barracks because it means any attempted jailbreakers will have to try and sneak through a room full of heavily-armored goons who are in the middle of swinging their weapons around. I don't really have the logistics set up for leather armor but I have an absolute fuckton of iron so it might be good enough to just make a 10-kobble melee squad and 10-kobble xbow squad with iron armor. For some reason, holding off until I have steel production up and running just seems like a bad idea.

I saw this notification and thought "oh shit, is there another thief or something" but it turned out my kobble actually just had a panic attack at work thinking about her friend dying in the Fucked Up Bridge Incident. This is a fucked up game. If you ever ask "what kind of god would make monkeys that get anxiety and have to drive big metal boxes to go operate a deep fryer all day," well, us I guess. We do that. Maybe this is what "god made man in his own image" means right. We've literally evolved so much that we can simulate being the same uncaring god doing the same awful things to little unassuming people. As above so below. I feel pretty normal playing Dwarf Fortress. It feels like a very natural behavior to me. Am I simply taking after my own creator

Ratfolk tried to sneak in, but gave up the element of surprise by shooting at some boar halfway across the map. Welp time to lock shit down! To be honest they seem more like they got lost on a hunting trip than they came here to fuck with us but we don't actually need to go topside for much of anything. And that "anything" includes making a good 10 or 20 sets of iron armor. Be our guests ratfolk... stay as long as you like.

Sometimes when I'm just sitting here doing this, I think about how happy I'd be with a soul-sucking spreadsheet job. Like the guy from OfficeSpace was such a bitch! What was with Generation X and going "no maaan, you don't want a job with fixed hours where you don't get cut or burned or blow out your knees! Having the same weekend every week and only having to worry about fucking up your posture will suck your soul out, maaaan!" Passing papers around pointlessly and doing fake social niceties for it sounds great. If it's so bad then give up your fucking paid vacations and holidays off and liveable pay and just switch places with the guy pushing carts around the Wal-Mart parking lot while 60 year old Xanax addicts in pickup trucks and SUVs try to run him down as practice for when they finally live their ultimate wish fulfillment by driving their car into a bunch of protestors for daring to temporarily mildly inconvenience them.

Not now bunnies

Oh I guess they have no beef with each other. That sort of makes sense they're both rodents right. Well uhh they just keep standing there on the edge of the map.

It seems kind of arrogant for William Shakespeare to say "All the world's a stage." Maybe not arrogant, but I don't know, of course you see it that way, you're a fucking playwright. What about everyone else? To the dishwasher, is all the world that salad you barely even took three bites of? What about to the soldier? Is all the world a target, a threat, an enemy? It is convenient for us to only see life through a pinhole. Both for us and the next pigeon up on the higher wire. Life isn't really a play or a fight or any one thing but as long as you never drop out you don't have to worry about that. You can stay right on a track and become a software engineering guy who can't cook instant noodles for himself or tell the difference between different species of trees. People always told me "ginkgo biloba trees smell like cum" but I've never smelled it. I've never really considered cum to have a smell, maybe I just don't have smelly cum. I mean I know the smell of a cum rag you toss in the corner of a room that you ended up forgetting for way too long and had to throw away, but that's more of just a bacterial smell to me I think and I've never smelled something like that while I was walking out in public, even around ginkgo biloba trees. It feels like you can generate infinite cum in life sometimes, like even when you haven't eaten or drank you can still make some come out of you, but you will run out eventually. I'm not sure about the "semen retention" guys, I kind of believe more in the "balance of fluids" thing. You can definitely have an excess of cum sometimes and it makes you act like a fucking idiot. If you don't jack off or otherwise dispel excess semen (as if anybody even has sex anymore - Not gonna catch me doing that nerd shit!) at least once every few days everyone can tell and they think you're wound-up and stuck-up and way too aggressive over little things. At the same time if you masturbate too much that's also weird and everyone can tell that too. Just do it once every two or three days to keep your levels normal. Hop on e621, punch in "breast_expansion dragon" and you're good to go. You're normal again.

Some migrants showed up, got into some martial trances, and then all died futilely to the four ratfolk rangers that kinda just won't fuck off. Well, actually, one of them went home. I guess he got his fill of fucking around. I don't really feel the urge to take revenge because I didn't know any of those guys really. We don't really need a fish cleaner and we certainly don't need any milkers or shearers so I don't know what to tell you. Bad day to show up. You really should have phoned ahead. You really should not have showed up to your girlfriend's house after she ignored your calls for like 3 hours obviously she was cheating on you!!! Sometimes a girl is just giving you those psilocybin mushrooms to try and subtlely convince you that you want to break up instead of just saying "we should break up" maybe direct communication isn't that great maybe you should just play weird interpetive-dance games with each other trying to change each other's minds instead. Sorry. I said I wasn't going to talk about David Cage.

Alsrta, previously the gelder, is now our Caravan Voice (manager) because Anl was stuck in a strange mood that I thought was going to fail but we managed to sneak a kobble out to collect a single log for him. She seems better at it anyway. Also, after drinking booze straight from the barrel even though there are plenty of cups, she gave birth to three children: Anl Crystaldepth (badass name) Iltos Coveredspells (decent name) and Zhatrsi Homagebutters (I'm sorry lil lady) making the need for protection clearer than ever. Death and birth within just moments of each other. Existence, even in this little pixelated simulation, is far too complicated to ever summarize with just a witty quote, but we keep trying. Maybe there really is an all-encompassing philosophical Theory Of Everything that's catchy and fits in as many characters as a tweet. Before they let the Twitter Blue perverts write as much as they want, I mean. I'm not sure 140 is realistic but 280 could probably fit it. Everything in the whole universe can be flattened into one slogan. Why else would everyone be trying to build an ideology out of little quotes and zingers

The kobolds are dancing around and listening to stories casually like there aren't any murderous ratfolk creeping around outside. Feels kind of opposite to real life. Everyone locked away in their McMansion is glued to one of three boxes telling them that everything is going to hell and everyone is out to get them and that we are in an untold flood of violence and despair. Then you go outside and you walk through that "bad neighborhood" and it's just people going to the store to get fucking groceries like everybody else. But I guess kobolds live more communally. And I can't say I'd ever want my bedroom to be right next to anyone else's ever again - even if I do get a box and a cabinet!

Some of that food they be making sounds good as hell

Kody Inkblighted has an appropriate name for someone who is regaling everyone with poetry. Apparently it also thought the last person doing poetry sucked.

DANKNESS AND NOTHING MORE LOL!!!!!

That peasant got their head bashed in with a crossbow so fucking hard that it exploded. That's pretty fucked up. I guess it's kinda even for our kobble punching that thief in the head over and over until they died but we only killed one of them and they killed five of us and it's not like we went out to fuck with them, they were literally sneaking around trying to steal our stuff. Well folks I hit 30 images and I'm high as fuck and honestly the things I'm about to do to a tuna sandwich would not be allowed on television in ANY country. I'll be here though not doing shit else so expect another post in I don't know a few hours I guess

#dwarf fortress #kobblefort

[wyclair]

Part two of me and my “Anakin Skywalker adopts Harry Potter” au

(This would be Clone Wars era Anakin)

- the way voldemort wouldn’t be able to even TOUCH Harry if Anakin were around

- I’m very fond of Eldritch!Anakin ??? Like I feel like his power ended up being super downplayed for being like. The literal child of the force ??? So

Imagine Eldritch!Anakin just absolutely feral over anyone / anything that tries to do Harry harm. He would crush their skull without lifting a pinky finger (it was the will of the force <3)

- I imagine the force can vaguely speak to anakin (in a different way from other Jedi since he’s it’s actual son if that makes sense?) and starts referring to Harry as his grandchild

- the way he’d go OFF on dumbledore for never checking on Harry’s home life ??? Like the kid obviously tried avoiding going home and it never raised any red flags to dumbledore ??? Really ??? Anakins not having it

- Anakin being read as like- a super powerful dark wizard by everyone around him cause the wizards have no idea about the Force and all that ??? Like, ohmygod- he strangled someone with air??? It’s the dark arts !!!

- Anakin kinda enjoys (remember- feral Eldritch being!Anakin) how freaked out the wizards get when he appears he’s like “yeahhhh baby. Don’t touch my kid!”

- Vader!Anakin poppin out for a second and making the death eaters tremble. CAN YOU IMAGINE LUCIUS MEETING HIM ?! HED BE TERRIFIED LMAO

- god, he’d fuck shit up so bad in goblet of fire and well- any movie rlly

- he RLLY hates dumbledore (if he’s well meaning or not, idk but anakin doesn’t think he is) for basically making Harry a child soldier. It all hits kinda close to home cause he’s also the chosen one / poster boy for a war so he’s able to connect to and understand Harry in a way no adult has ever been able to do with him???

- Anakin would need to be held back from killing the Dursley’s

- Fred & George LOVE him, I think sirius would be wary but they’d end up getting along over time and Anakin is fond of Remus because he reminds him of Obi-wan in some ways

- Anakin is the Cool Dad

- if ya’ll wanna be Anti-Dumbledore, consider: Anakin realizing Palpatine isn’t all he seems to be because he’s slowly realizing that dumbledore kinda has the same vibe and now Anakin is like “wait a damn second.”

- Dumbledore & Harry are just Palpatine & Anakin in different fonts

- harry: my dad is totally normal

hermione: sometimes he smiled and he has 3x the normal amount of teeth

- this is crack but anakin sees Snape and then has a vision/dream of Ben that night. He wakes up in a cold sweat and audibly goes “EW” and then goes back to sleep (going off the fact that some ppl fancast Adam driver as young!snape)

- Anakin being here just makes things a huge fix it for both his world and Harry’s world

- imagine smth (it’s the will of the force) drops in [ insert person you ship with Anakin here ] and now Harry has another parent!!!

- I’d probably make it Rex or Padmé personally (or both. They all have two hands. I love Rexanidala)

- idk how exactly this would work? If it’s an alternate dimension because anakin accidentally gets sucked thru like a worm hole / black hole or if like it’s just a very very very far and isolated planet that no one’s ever rlly been to before cause it’s so far out and there’s a hyperspace fuck up??

- idk!! I just think this would be neat!!

#pls feel free to add on or write this idk #if u do- pls message me </3 #Star Wars #Harry Potter #clone wars #the clone wars #star wars the clone wars #Star Wars clone wars #anakin skywalker #Anakin skywalker adopts Harry Potter #goblet of fire #Harry Potter and the goblet of fire #harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban #harry potter and the order of the phoenix #triwizard tournament #saw someone use #eldritch domesticity #as a tag on ao3 for an #eldritch anakin skywalker #fic #so imma do the same cause that’s what this is #anakin wouldn’t have gone to the dark side if he had Harry. bet. #harry is anakins equivalent to an emotional support dog #death eaters #Voldemort #rexanidala #captain rex #anidala #padme anidala #rexwalker

[mostpost]

posts for the bracket that i have in mind and need to source/submitted posts

my three girlfriends. and yes, they smoke weed

those are his hooves you bitch

imagine being the first amish bitch (...)

communismkills i am hatefollowing you and will not help you with your spanish homework

they killed jesus with that (?)

they did very much kill jesus

message to all bitches: please survive

sayonara you weeaboo shits

who changed fudgers to meaners / who changed it to danny devito

crave that mineral / red for a childrens hospital. same post

i'm trying to survive a category 5 hurricane

ignore my ugly house arrest bracelet

you're my pockets, daddy

i want to include some audio posts bc audio is one of my favourite things about tumblr however i can't think of any right now

we get it. you want to fuck the granny from bug's life

always reblog the creator (may be hard to find the og)

the sans ketchup post

white person half jog

we poppin the biggest bottles when makorra happens tomorrow

wadda hell... bulnosaur

to my ex: (audio)

thwomp noise/thwomp edits (audio)

ヽ��ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ (audio)

where's my bitches (audio)

knock it off knuckles / knuck it off knockles (audio)

knock knock it's knuckles / knuck knuck it's knockles (audio)

edm, eddm, and eddmy (audio)

somebody once asked if i could spare some cage for gas / i said no (audio)

it's friday the 13th and your heart is black as pitch (audio)

randy your sticks

when daddy cuts my french toast for me / the guy in the ed eddd and eddy shirt. the doodoo post.

[x song] but it keeps getting faster / [x song] from another room

assflash newshole i've been the entire goddamn time (audio)

fire eyes / genghis kahngis (audio)

no but seriously imagine it:

penis fridays

foot loose (audio)

that post about how breaking bad isnt how tumblr makes it out to be

Net 0 information

Say hello to mechanically separated chicken

Listen here cumslut

I'm not going to include infinity chocolate because that wasn't a tumblr post to me. That was a stupid thing that could have happened anywhere. Like the dress

If I do include it then it's going up against lumpy earth

who put spiders on my dick (audio)

is this the episode where he lost his house

i will update this as i think of posts/find more. strikethrough means i found it.

[boa-h]

Hello Boa-h-san~~! I'm here to sharing a brainrot: Recently I was watching some of my favorite comedy and fantasy movies and I don't know if you know the movie Nanny MCPhee or Mary Poppins, but after watching I just I can imagine Y/N being a motherly/paternal figure for ASL Bros. I can only imagine how funny it would be for them to have someone with magical powers (not Devil Fruit powers) as a mother/father. The reaction of the others is just hilarious, how the hell does Y/N have everything and even the most unusual things to have inside their purse that is always empty?! Like for example taking a ham much bigger than their purse to give to Luffy as a snack. AND WHY THE FUCK WOULD THEY CARRY SOMETHING LIKE THAT INSIDE THEIR PURSE IN THE FIRST PLACE?! Now everyone understands how Luffy is so chaotic, his mother/father figure is equally… Eccentric? The ASL Trio love them to the moon and back, but they are equally afraid of them when they gets angry because they is at the level of a Yonko (or be a bit stronger if we want more crackhead energy), they just prefers to stay out of the spotlights, as they loves taking care of children instead of getting involved in petty and stupid fights. You know those kind of people who hide their anger and craving to kick the shit out of someone wiht a sweet and kind smile? they are that kind of person. Even Whitebeard, Garp and Shanks know very well not to piss them off, the same goes for the other yonko (they all learned the hard way). Not even the Marine or WG isn't stupid enough to want to fight them or go after their "children" aka aal kids or teenagers they took under their wing and raised as their own blood (they gives Whitebeard a run for his money by adopting all the kids and teenagers they encounters and needs a mother/father figure). Having them around is simply chaos and breaking the laws of physics. (Law is a man of science since he's a doctor is losing his shit living with Y/N's eccentricities and oddities during his stay on the Sunny, during and after the events of Punk Hazard and eventually Dressrosa, Zou and Wano.) (Me: … Now I'm tempted to ask about headcannons, that's if you're okay to do it, Boa-h-san).

oooohhh,, i’ve never actually watched any western shows or movies other than the wizarding world series. but the idea of the purse seems fun >:0 like hermione’s beaded handbag that she casted with the undetectable extension charm!!

i actually don’t know how ace and sabo would react to it, would definitely think it’s cool but i have no idea what they would ask for 🤔 luffy would definitely ask her for random and weird things to pull out from that purse until someone stops him LOL

#boa-h replies

[stupid-sloot-headcanons]

Disney is such a varied company/studio at times you get stuff on the level of Encanto, Mulan, Zootopia, etc. (Your mileage may vary) but then they also put out this reboot, Mulan live action, get rid of Disney channel, etc. Like while not all their films are winners or losers you can see a different tone as they change CEOs and closed the 2d animation department.

I mean I'll give Eisner loads of shit but at the very least he sometimes tried new things after using that Paramount experience to get the company out of the red. That Alien encounter ride was interesting and Disneyland Paris was a shitshow but it was an opportunity for imagineers to let their Jules Verne love run rampant.

Encanto despite being a little undercooked in the writing department was interesting enough. Live action Mulan was a wannabe wuxia filmed right next to Ugyhur prison camps. Turning Red was...something. Not good imo but it was something. Unlike Raya the Last Dragon, TR and Encanto actually left an impression at least.

I keep wondering if Disney's trying to lean into that DreamWorks style of films with referential humor and whatnot, even the art style and writing in Encanto and Turning Red made me think of DreamWorks or Blue Sky more than Disney. And it's kind of pathetic to see a studio that built itself on its own iconic image trying all these different aesthetic (and cultural, tho that's another debate entirely) costumes. Like ok, a lot of people are disillusioned and don't think the Disney wholesome shit is worthwhile anymore. But I recall Walt himself reading a newspaper review of Mary Poppins calling it cheesy kiddy schmaltz, and he just shrugged with a frown and said "Well, I like cheesy kiddy schmaltz." This is the same man who also said he made money to make movies, not the other way around, but I digress.

Disney cannot ever succeed in that kind of parody/meta/self-referential and self-critical humor. It just doesn't work with their company's history and image for the past half a fucking century or so. Humor, yeah, they've had plenty of funny films. But those well-remembered Disney films that had that kind of humor in them also had an earnestness behind them. Hercules had some little digs at parody and shit but it was small and quick and it also didn't distract from the actual story it was trying to tell.

Shrek 2, Megamind, Kung Fu Panda, Monsters Vs Aliens are all great films AND great comedies because that meta humor is baked into Dreamworks's identity as a studio and they know how to use it. You're not gonna be as successful with that kind of writing as them, and trying just makes me want to watch DreamWorks films.

Also all the live action films are missing any kind of visual identity, and the entire thing just looks and sounds like the tax write-off and copyright reset button that it really is. I joke about "lunchables" anime but Disney's entire live action department (a fair portion of their MCU films and shows as well imo) are a lunchables factory. They're products and a lot of them, especially their remakes, have no artistic value to me.

#sloot's essays #sloot bitches about things

[xamassed]

⟬ @casketcat​ ⟭

It was so gentle, the way Kiwa grabbed Mammon’s hand as they walked through town, blissful grin spread across her face as she moved again to this time softly bump her shoulder to his. “We should go on dates to just walk around more often, sunshine! This is so fun! Maybe we should take the ferrets for a walk with us next time~” while now Kiwa intended the ferret idea to be a joke, something silly just to fill the quiet space, but there was no doubt she’d ask about it for real at some point. Cause Mammon walking a ferret on a sparkly pink leash was something Kiwa absolutely would have to see.

Being alone with her, away from prying eyes and teasing quips, made it all the easier for him to spoil her with small, gentle affections. The hand she had taken was brought to his lips, kisses grazing across her nicked and sometimes bandages fingers. “Ain’t as excitin’ as poppin’ into a casino and seein’ what we can win, but if it makes my babygirl happy, we can do this whenever ya want!”

The image she painted across his mind was a baffling one. He blinked a small handful of times before their hands dropped and began to swing between them. “Wait, can ya even walks ferrets? I thought that was just a dog thing.” A pause, then a wrinkle of confusion formed between his brows. “Wait, no. Satan’s showed me videos of cats gettin’ walked too. Pretty sure I saw one of a rabbit too.”

He looked to her and offered a shrug. “Guess we could try it! At least the little shits would be in a harness and couldn’t run off. Can ya imagine tryin’ t’find those things in a whole damn city? S’hard enough tryin’ t’get ’em outta my room when they get loose. . .”

#casketcat #casketcat ; kiwa #「 ( mammon ; ic ) 」 #「 v. ready to face THE mammon? ( mammon ; obey me ) 」 #「 r. pretty and pink like sweet champagne ( mammon ; kiwa ) 」 #( mammon's so stubborn about it but he loves her babies u3u ) #( please he needs to walk them like you said! )

[darlingoddity]

Retrograde Survival Kit: Everything I’ve Ever Known

Happy Retrograde. Words we never hear. I was born during Mercury in Retrograde and I’m currently living near my Mercury transit line on my astrocartography map. So, Mercury is kind of my thing. 

So much so that I just slept for 28 hours to welcome it… I went to sleep Sunday around 11pm. Woke up around 1:30pm to watch some youtube videos, fell asleep during those again till 6pm… stayed up for about 4 hours and woke up at 7am on Tuesday. I can’t remember the last time I did something like this, but I highly recommend! I’ve been on a JOURNEY the last two days without leaving my bed except to poop and eat once.

In that time, I dreamt a lot. And cried. I woke up crying at one point. I cried about my ex—I swear at one point a corner of my sheets smelled like him and I missed being hugged. I cried about my mom and how we haven’t had a healthy relationship EVER and I”m not sure I’ll ever know what it feels like to be loved by her, even though I know in her own way she loves me very much.

I did a lot of breathing. I guess that’s the caveat—don’t do this unless you’ve been doing breathwork exercise for quite some time, at least 6 months. These episodes without breathwork can tunnel down into depression. I however, woke up wanting to start a blog.

I’m alone. I’ve been alone for over a year now, and kind of my whole life. People hurt, so I usually only get close to them in seasons. 

I was crying about these old pains that I feel are somehow trapped in my body, and I’d really like them to leave. And that’s when a voice—a voice? A thought? Spirit? You know, GOD maybe? When that More Knowing voice in my head reminded me: it isn’t your pain, it’s theirs. People spread their pain because it’s the only color they have to paint with. And how do we ever feel “ideal” love without knowing its hue. 

I’ve worked very hard my whole life not to hurt people, and I’m sure I have. And yet, I carry other people’s pain inside me. Why do I identify with their pain and not the kind I create?

Something symbolic happened Sunday, hours before my slumber, my mirror fell off my closet door. It’s like the world—YES THE WORLD—my own little precious world inside my Los Angeles apartment, was telling me to reflect in a new way. I had to put the mirror in a new place for the time being.

I think that’s what retrograde is: reflecting in a new way. Resting so we can notice what pain comes up while being in the position to see it, feel it, and give it breath and rest. 

I’m not sure I have ever known love the way I’ve dreamt of it. I’m not sure anything has ever lived up to my wild imagination, except maybe in pockets of time when it has actually superseded my expectations. I don’t know why pain is easier to remember than these ecstatic moments, which I know I’ve had, because I remember telling myself to “be there, in that moment and never let it go.” And then I step in shit or something and it’s gone immediately.  

Retrograde comes 3-4 times a year. On purpose. Like Mary Poppins trying to feed us a spoonful of medicine with maybe a little sugar… and the sugar to help it go down is REST. The memories, the pain, the retrograde will come back regardless. So you might as well rest, breathe, and cry. I think it helped me realize it was never all up to me to make these things go right. That if I sit some things out, I’m stronger for it. Because an uphill battle doesn’t change whether you take a break or not. The hill remains upright and uphill. And sleep and dreams are a gift. I spent a lot of time with my dad in my dreams. We shared a lot of cool moments like a car chase and eating at a diner he owned in this dreamland. We bonded. And even if it was a dream, I felt very loved and woke up refreshed at the beginning of retrograde. 

[tausper]

Tropes in TTRPGs: D&D Translations of Magical Nannies, Part I

This is the first in a series of posts on adapting tropes using TTRPG character creation systems, documenting my process and thoughts with an endgoal of producing two or three prime player characters, along with complementary party members if applicable. Obviously, making homebrew characters is a very real option for anyone who has the extra time to make original shit or sift through the search engine. That being said, if you don't, this is meant to be an alternative.

➤ Idea Germs: The Focal Characters of the Trope

My main goal is to create two player characters that fit the Magical Nanny trope in a way that is mechanically coherent but still engaging to roleplay. The defining page linked in the post title lists two distinct flavors of the trope, each of which will serve as a base reference for a respective design, if hopefully distinct to my own interpretation.

The first type of Magical Nanny is empathetic and warm, an artistic or beautiful free spirit who relies on personal connections to enrich their charge's lives. We'll call our own version of this character Madeline Medley, or Miss Madeline to the children.

The uber-example of this trope is Maria Von Trapp, but Fran Drescher is another well-known, if less traditional, version. Looking at their shared qualities, Madeline will have a romantic side, but she also needs to be a fish-out-of-water. Honestly, I'm already imagining her as a Bard, not just because of the classic musical Maria hales from, but because this archetype is essentially a guardian who inspires and empowers their kids as much as guiding and protecting them, but I won't commit to that yet. The most important aspect is ultimately a talent for forming earnest relationships with those around them, and that isn't a Bard-exclusive trait. She'll probably at least multi-class in Bard, though, tbh.

The second type is a taskmaster with a no-nonsense attitude who takes on an almost trickster element to outwit her charges and our version of the firm but fair-minded nanny will be Dorothea Dougal, but we'll give her the snappy pseudonym of the Good Governess to give her a nursery rhyme-ish edge.

Call to mind Mary Poppins, Nanny McPhee, or even Eglantine Price. Actual magic or at least unsettling and uncanny fortuity is a staple of my favorite versions of this type. It's not enough, in my book, to just be a wise nanny that smacks some sense into the heads of children. Even if magic isn't a mechanical factor, there should be some kind of a mechanical capacity for manifesting coincidences, even if it just ends up the Lucky feat. Also, the Governess will be of a higher level than Madeline, for sure. I'm tempted to just make her Level 20 out of commitment to the bit, but that's something to consider much later.

(Obviously you don't have to adhere to this when you make your own characters; I just thought it would be fun to try to find a way to draw on two distinct characterizations the whole way through.)

➤ Idea Germs: Extended Characters of the Trope

On the off chance that you want to create a family for your Magical Nanny, I'm also making six bonus characters: one young charge, one teen charge, and one parent for each of our nannies.

The children in stories like fun-loving Miss Madeline's are often neurotic and misguided because their parents, often single fathers, don't know how to listen their kids, or just have fun. The family is, more than anything, unhappy, and each member, including parents, is equally in need of intervention for this reason.

The father in need of kind Madeline's aid, and in statistical likelihood, hand in marriage, will be stick-in-the-mud Major Marcus MacBride. As for his children, he could always have more, but we'll spotlight baby Graham, and eldest Salem.

The children that require the intervention of Mrs. Dudley or forces of nature like her are typically spoiled or mischievous due to parental failure to correct bad behavior and set healthy boundaries. The family may not necessarily be unhappy, but it's certainly, in the grand scheme of things, dysfunctional.

And the mother in need of the Governess's intervention will be the overindulgent and absent-minded Mrs. Helen Hawkins. We'll also make profiles for Grendel, her youngest, and Shannon, her oldest.

The Magical Nanny as a trope is a personal favorite that I consider underutilized, so I'm excited to start. Now that our inciting characters and their potential party members have been vaguely sketched out, I can get into the creation process.

➤ Determining Race

There's no correct order in which to determine race, class, abilities, background, etc. I switch up the order I deal with them in every time and often go back and make changes later on before they're finalized. This time I decided to start with race first.

While you could create a Magical Nanny of any race, there are a few that more easily adapt mechanically. That said, I'd encourage players to reskin these however they see fit, flavor-wise. Needless to say, you are also free to adjust, replace, or eliminate whatever racial features you wish. I just like the challenge of finding an angel that works.

Skimming through for possible options, the Kalashtar race's feature descriptions made me laugh, and it's also mechanically fitting for the role. It makes an excellent choice in particular for Miss Madeline:

The overall concept fits well, as it is often we equate childhood with dreaming, and which makes our Magical Nanny comparable to a bridge between humans and spirits of dreams, or youth. The base ability score increase also gives a +2 to Wisdom and +1 to Charisma. Fitting for a nanny or caretaker who relies on a personal rapport with and understanding of their wards to do their job. Dual Mind gives advantage on all Wisdom saving throws, while Mental Discipline gives resistance to psychic damage - and hell knows either of those help would help working with children! This is a nanny with clear eyes and a thick skin. Mind Link gives you telepathic abilities to those within a certain range, which is a fun mechanical metaphor for Teacher Face™, silently reprimanding or rewarding behaviors based on approval. It also fits considering studies that show those who are adept with children are more generally intuitive in communication. Severed from Dreams works really well in a few different ways. The character exists as a manifestation of "the union between humanity and renegade spirits from the plane of dreams" and thus retains a need to sleep and rest, but is incapable of dreaming themselves. Finally, they get one language, which depending on the setting for our character may be a throwaway, at least in this system. I chose Minotaur in this case. I think poor Asterion could've used a nice nanny who understood him.

With this selection, we already give ourselves solid foundations for character motive. What does it say about Madeline that she's trying to teach children to embrace imagination, reflect on their emotions, and build confidence as someone who can't even dream herself?

Returning and continuing through the list, I found Warforged to be another mechanically reasonable, if otherwise unexpected, choice. But it is especially amusing considering the Governess:

The concept of the Warforged is a conscious being that was "built as [a] weapon[... that] must now find a purpose beyond war". Quite fun for a more militant nanny that almost comes across as engineered for success. Warforged get a base +2 to Constitution and +1 to an ability of the player's choice. Constitution works as one definitely needs focus and stamina to keep up with kids, and the extra +1 can go wherever it's best suited. I'll set it to Intelligence for now, but will make a note to return and adjust later if need be. They have multiple bodily advantages: resistance to poison and advantage on saving throws against poison, immunity to disease, and having no need to eat, drink, or breathe. This matches the unsettling condition of characters like Nanny McPhee and Mary Poppins. I can't imagine either with a cough. They're also immune to sleep-inducing magic, as instead of sleeping, they rest for "at least six hours in an inactive, motionless state" that mimics sleep but leaves them perfectly cognizant of their surroundings. Rendering any potential tricks in the dead of night played by children, or enemies, most ineffective. They have a +1 to their AC, but can only wear armor they have proficiency in, which takes an hour to either put on or remove. We can frame our nanny's dress ode as comparable to their armor, in this case. It may give them an advantage, but adjusting it further takes time to integrate according to uniform. They get one skill and one tool proficiency each. I tentatively selected Perception and Herbalism, but I did eye Vehicles (Air), considering all the classic Magical Nanny umbrella shenanigans. And finally, they also get the extra and potentially irrelevant language. In this case, I chose Ogre, considering it often takes a nanny of this type to get through the more brutish side characters in these stories. (No offense meant to ogres.)

This choice also gives our nanny in-built depth. Perhaps Darby is a woman using expertise on child-rearing, social graces, and domestic work to retain economic and social independence rather than find and support a partner - designated to perform an assigned role, but using associated skills to fulfill a purpose she determines for herself.

Other races that translate particularly well for a Magical Nanny are Eladrin, Githzerai, Githyanki, Mark of Detection Half Elf, Mark of Hospitality Halfling, Mark of Sentinel Human, and Loxodon. Some that are slightly less intuitive but can work well with narrative effort are Scourge Aasimar, Astral Elf, Aereni High Elf or Wood Elf, Firbolg, Forest Gnome, Goliath, Hadozee, Half Elf, Half Orc, Variant Human, Kobold, Orc, Owlin, Shadar-Kai, Tabaxi, and Vedalken. The Hexblood and Reborn Lineages may also pose interesting possibilities if incorporated narratively. Again, any could be used, so these are just the ones I can imagine mechanically adapting smoothly.

As for the family, there's a case for selecting the same race for all its members, but practically speaking, it's more advantageous and, I'd argue, more interesting to forgo neat optics in favor of finding complementary builds, then reskinning, so that's what I'll do.

I do think almost any race could be more or less justified for the parents and kids seeing as they don't have to, and arguably shouldn't, be optimized for parenting or facilitating familial communication. Arguably, the archetypes are a factor, especially in the case of this post, but those focuses can be changed.

Reviewing the options, I'm sorely tempted to make Major MacBride another Warforged, as it would work quite well, but I think I'll opt for variety... Ultimately, I landed on the TCoE Hobgoblin.

Hobgoblins are tied to the fey and to war. This immediately supplements existing interesting characterization. He has an element of mystique and distance, but also of ferocity and discipline. Maybe, as if often the case in such stories, The War™ has affected his noble household and he's left to pick up the pieces. TCoE Hobgoblins have a nerfed version of Legacy's Saving Face feat, renamed Fortune from the Many, allowing them to add a bonus to failed rolls based on allies within 30 feet of them, with a maximum +3 (formerly +5). This rewards our distant but supportive father when he's physically present with his kids. However, most notably, the Legacy feat Martial Training is replaced with one called Fey Gift, which lets them take the Help action as a bonus action, and provides some cool bonuses to choose from for the character that they help. Again, this rewards the character mechanically with increased options for working closely with his family, and also for directly guiding and supporting them. Other suitable races I found for a parent that needs to learn to have fun include the Fallen Aasimar, Bugbear, Dragonborn, Earth Genasi, Eladrin, Wood Elf, Dark Elf, Valenar Wood Elf, Githzerai, Goblin, Goliath, Mark of Storm Half-Elf, Half-Orc, Mark of Sentinel Human, Leonin, Minotaur, Orc, Shadar-kai, Variant Tiefling, Vedalken, Warforged, and Yuan-Ti. The Reborn Lineage also has potential.

For Mrs. Hawkins, I considered a fair many and went back and forth for awhile, but in the interest of making a contrasting choice to our Governess, I decided to make her a Mark of Sentinel Human.

The 'Mark of' races are tied to noble houses, status, and mystically specialized abilities, which works fairly enough for our fussy, high-status father. The ability score increases are +2 to Constitution and +1 to Wisdom, which is fine. Wisdom isn't my first choice but on second thought, it could make for an observant mother with no idea how to actually act on her observations. The same applies to Sentinel's Intuition, which allows her to add a d4 to Perception and Insight checks. Guardian's Shield allows her to cast Shield once per long rest using Wisdom. She can use Vigilant Guardian to swap places with a successfully attacked creature within 5 feet of herself as a reaction, causing her to be attacked instead, once per long rest. If she ever gains the Spellcasting or Pact Magic class feature, the list of spells will expand to include a number of others related to protection, such as Compelled Duel, Zone of Truth, and Guardian of Faith, due to the Spells of the Mark feat. All great additions for a mother whose most successful bag is providing for and protecting her kids, but needs help with... the rest. I think other good race options for a parent that lets their kids get away with too much are Protector Aasimar, Astral Elf, Bugbear, Changeling, Eladrin, Mark of Shadow Elf, Genasi, Half-Elf, any type of Halfling (but especially Mark of Hospitality), Hobgoblin, Variant or Mark of Passage Human, Kender, Kobold, Orc, Satyr, Swiftstride Shifter, Tabaxi, and Verdan.

Not having settled on archetypes for the kids, I decided to randomize their races from a list I narrowed down to be appropriate for their age range and general potential, to come up with some ideas for their future characterization and party roles.

Using this process, little Graham MacBride ended up a TCoE Changeling, and Salem MacBride was made a TCoE Satyr.

For the Changeling Instincts feat, I gave Graham proficiency in Performance and Insight. The most important aspect of this race is the ability to change aspects of their appearance at will. A chameleon who can blend in! Maybe little Graham has a tendency to imitate whoever has most recently won their favor? Obviously there will be plenty of hijinks played on our poor nanny involving this trait. Salem gets access to the Ram feat, which lets them use their head and horn in unarmed strikes for a d6 + their Strength modifier. A headstrong kid, then. They have magic resistance to spells - so, a bit of a nonbeliever. Mirthful Leaps gives them the ability to add a d8 to a Long or High Jump, so they are dexterous but make huge leaps, maybe? For the Reveler feat, I gave Salem proficiency in Viol, which I'm (barely) reskinning as a fiddle. They can play songs with their nanny!

With the same process, Shannon Hawkins is a PH Half Elf, and Grendel Hawkins, a MotM Deep Gnome.

Fey Ancestry is the first feat, which involves advantage on saving throws from being charmed and immunity to sleep magic. Fitting for the older kid who is less susceptible to getting told to behave or go to bed. For Shannon's Skill Versatility, I gave them proficiency in Perception and History. I'm seeing an intelligent and skeptical kid whose engagements with the world have left them disenchanted? No actual choices were required for Grendel! They have Gift of the Svirfneblin, which grants them one use of the Disguise Self and Nondetection spells per long rest at their respective levels. Gnomish Magic Resistance gives advantage on Intelligence, Wisdom, and Charisma saving throws against spells, so we have a bit of a free thinker in the building. Finally, Svirfnefblin Camouflage give our young Grendel advantage on Stealth checks a number of times equal to their proficiency bonus per long rest. Very trickster friendly traits.

I was happy enough with how this turned out, but if I hadn't been, there are plenty of races I could have gone through instead.

Other races that work especially well for kids skewing younger are Autognome, Firbolg, Goblin, any Halfling subrace (but particularly Lightfoot), Harengon, Kender, Kobold, Swiftstride Shifter, Tabaxi, and Variant Tiefling. Bugbear, Mark of Shadow Elf, Mark of Scribing Gnome, Mark of Handling Human, Kender, Kenku, Longtooth or Wildhunt Shifter, Tortle, and Verdan are other races I might consider if you are planning to feature (pre-)teen charges.

➤ Rolling Abilities

Before I get started on any further character customization, I'll get my ability scores generated first, so I can know what I'll be working with. Personally, I prefer rolling, but it's a matter of discretion. Normally, I'd do it manually, but my dice are in another state, unfortunately, so I'll use DNDBeyond.

I'll roll the nannies with the families they serve, to start thinking about how they mesh. First, Madeline and the MacBride brood:

Miss Madeline's starting scores are 14, 14, 14, 9, 18, and 11. Her entire premise is her ability to form relationships with people, so it's likely Wisdom and Charisma will have to be higher stats, but the rest can be shuffled around as necessary.Major MacBride's starting scores are 14, 11, 15, 11, 12, and 16. As a stuffy but impressive type, this range works well, because he'll have a believable variety of skills and abilities. Nonetheless, I like that our nanny's top stat will be higher than his, at least by their base scores. It gives her an edge over him which maybe suggests that Captain-Maria, Fran-Mr. Sheffield dynamic we all love.Salem's starting scores are 12, 16, 15, 17, 10, and 8. I haven't nailed down the kid archetypes yet, but I like that we have a high and low contrast for Salem. The disparity sort of lands between Madeline's and their father's, which already adds a narrative level if I want it to.Baby Graham's starting scores are 16, 15, 14, 9, 15, and 6. The two very low scores are great because they can align with a vulnerability for the child with canonical reason to need a lot of development. The higher scores give them a fun, savant edge common to 'weird little kids' in this genre, too. The stars are aligning lol!

Then, the Good Governess, and the Hawkins household:

The Good Governess's starting scores are 17, 11, 15, 18, 11, and 13. I like that we have pretty high scores and nothing below 11 here. I'd have to dump Strength or Charisma otherwise, but this type of nanny should seem impossibly capable, and it's nice this reflects that.Mrs. Hawkins's starting scores are 12, 13, 13, 11, 15, and 15. Like the Major, Mrs. Hawkins is meant to be impressive but not particularly extraordinary, as that leaves room for our nannies to make waves. This is a very nice and respectable range, perfectly suiting a well-meaning mother who just needs guidance in how and when to apply her existing skills.Shannon's starting scores are 16, 12, 10, 13, 13, and 12. I'd have liked to see a lower score or two, but we do have a series of more average numbers and one a bit higher, which could suggest a generally capable older sibling who uses a particular gift for mischief? We'll workshop as we go.Grendel's starting scores are 13, 15, 13, 12, 10, and 14. Again, I'd have liked a low score or even multiple for them, seeing as they're a kid, but maybe it's silly to complain. A more even spread suggests a less specialized character, so there's potential to develop them toward something with later discovery, I guess.

Honestly, some of these score sets are so serendipitous with initial intentions for the characters, it's weird. It'd be possible to make it work if it wasn't the case; it just so happens they mostly have score ranges that suit their archetypes, other than the Hawkins kids.

End of Part I

Next post, I'll get into the rest of the process. On the final post, whether that's the next one or the one after that, I'll show the profiles for each characters, probably, maybe sketches. Thanks for reading!

#dnd #dungeons and dragons #tropes #magical nannies #character creation #dnd oc #dnd character #ttrpg #dnd 5e #long post

[allwhilewaiting]

lunch time

Dear Tia,

It's been a while since I've written you.

And a lot has happened as well. I won't go into all the details, but the important parts to remember are that you were drowning, and your God saved you. Rescued you from those choppy rough waters, cleared the liquid and debris from your lungs....washed the salt sticking to your sun-kissed skin and led you back to solid ground.

Here, you are learning to fly. Your wings are nearly full grown.

You are happy. Finally. And guess what?

That shit looks nothing like you thought it would! Everything you were fighting so desperately for that pulled you under the waves does not exist on land where your joy resides: no family of your own, no snuggling up to a partner and a good movie, no fancy title to hang your hat on the shelf of professional ego.

You are simply doing really well, really quietly, and basking in solitude.

Putting on face masks from Five Below, dancing in the moonlight in some plush robe your granny found in her Mary Poppin's closet, rolling around on your XXL elastic ball affectionately named Skittle.

You're an adorned cat lady without the cat. And it's fucking awesome.

So sweet Tia, when you are eating some dry peanut butter and jelly sandwich at lunch time, or hiding in the bathroom because social anxiety has riddled you from asking to sit with any of the other kids...when you are crying in the closet at the loss of your only real friend, your mother, or you are walking down independence boulevard with a suitcase and pleading the extended stay to allow your 17-year-old lost self to stay there unaccompanied because home felt anything but....

When you are sobbing under the comforter of your dad's mother's bed during a summer visit because you didn't gain any of the friendships or magical encounter of love you'd hoped for...

When you're at the bus stop in Paris in weather cold enough to make your nipples fall completely off, waiting to go back to a homestay that was really bad until it got really sweet elsewhere...

Think of me. Think of us. Imagine that the same woman you thought you'd be really early on in your childhood, before the socialization of femininity and domestication infiltrated your mind and heart...is who you became.

solid. stable. joy-filled. autonomous. grateful. unassuming. secure.

And you will enjoy yourself.

Love,

Tia

[ritacaroline]

A New Series

By ritacaroline

Quips n Blips to Ponder

Episode 5

What will we be doing for the holidays ??

Thanksgiving has just passed. So how did we do ?

What food items were available at your Thanksgiving table ?

1. Turkey

2. Glazed Ham

3. Stuffing (please indicate what type)

a. Bread cube - (preferably from our friends at Pepperidge Farm. )

b. Corn bread stuffing

c. Sausage and bread stuffing.

d. Oyster Stuffing ( for the aphrodisiac lovers. )

e. None - instead, we like crescent rolls. ( that ones mine - no you ate 3 already. Mom ? Do you see him ?) Poppin fresh open a new tube Please.

4. Cranberry sauce

a. Fresh made from real cooked cranberries. ( wow, is your mom Martha Stewart ? Or Betty Crocker ? Circle just one )

b. Canned. Fresh outa the Oceanspray can. ( when it lands with a plop onto a plate - you see impressions of the can ridges all over the glob. ) The shiny glistening glob. That's the true sign of a fresh can of gelled sugar. Bon appetite.

5. Green bean casserole mush w mushroom soup glop. OMG. Gag me w a spoon. Pardon me please while I hurl.

6. Lasagna ? Yep. Some people do this. Not a bad idea.

7. Creamed onion pearls. Hmm. I don't think so. But ok.

8. Mashed sweet potatoes w marshmallows ? Diabetic kamikaze ? ( 10 points off for poor spelling )

9. Gravy. Yes. To be created by only experienced cooks please. This task is not for you if you're wishy washy about cooking. In that case you have little chance of success. And you will be off to Thanksgiving jail. Yes - it exists. Yes - it's awful. Imagine hordes of people wandering about aimlessly in the style of night of the living dead. Holding metal stirring whisks in the air while looking zombie ish in a tie back apron and chefs hat.

(So - get out the hand held submersion blender or die. ) If you don't know what that item is - give up now.

Or just buy a few cans of gravy. Voila. Magic.

10 Pumpkin pie. No comment.

How did you feel after eating said meal ??

1. Ok. Not bad.

2. Little tummy trouble. But I'll live.

3. Problems best portrayed by video of Mt Vesuvius erupting. :

4: I spent the day after thanksgiving praising the porcelain God. On my knees.

10. And how do you plan on celebrating Thanksgiving next year ?

a. Run for my life

b. Eat at the diner.

c. Make pb&js. And call it a day.

d. Bribe Martha Stewart to

provide a home visit.

e. I will be on a food fast that day.

For religious reasons.

Christmas Eve and Christmas Day

Be sure to have the lemon lime flavored alka seltzer available in your cabinet. For the morning after you have over done it with the booze. That fizzy shit will be your best buddy.

Did you get all the toys you need ? If not - expect crying and tantrums. From you. For being negligent.

Did you put that crap together ? Assemble the toys that need that ?

Batteries ?

Yes

No.

I'm a dumbass. Expect crying and tantrums.

Do not walk about while barefoot. If you have purchased Legos. For the young ones. You will be damn sorry if you step on a few. It's very confusing why this form of weaponry has not been deployed in times of war. Way less costly than missiles and air to ground combat.

Do not steal this idea under severe penalty of the law ! Do you promise ?

During times of international conflict and war, simply hide the enemy's shoes. Secretly. Then shhh. Sprinkle lego pieces all over the grounds outside their tents and/ or quarters. Then watch them emerge and slowly but surely - they will be rendered unable to walk due to the steppage onto-age of afore mentioned Legos. That's a military term. Thus rendered unable to defend their territory in a painful surrender. And a sad day shall be bestoweth upon them. ( ? ) official quote from the victors, " It was the Legos amongst them that led us to Victory. "

Back to our normal programming :

What will we have for breakfast on Christmas ?

The family will be expecting a special breakfast. Have you thought about this ? No ? You must. Cereal or toast will not cut it.

How about an egg breakfast casserole ?

Cinnamon rolls ?

French toast. Without something like this - you're fucked. I mean it.

If worse comes to worst , swing by the Golden Arches for a few packs of the McSanta Delight. Mmmm. Yummy mush.

Now that the presents are opened and a lot of folks are seriously disappointed, ? Now wtf ? Instruct those spoiled brats to go play w the toys and stop fighting. And shut the hell up.

Grab you some eggnog. Spike that bad boy w some vodka or tanguray gin. Now that's a Merry Christmas. Do not over do. Or drive. Just hang out. And to all a good night. Ho ho ho.

#@stormbringer1467