#i have unmedicated adhd and am suffering for it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thebibliosphere · 1 year

Text

So, I've been getting a few "hey, so now you're fixed, you're going to write books faster now, right?" type messages, and hmmm. That's a loaded word right there. "Fixed."

Yeah, not too keen on that word.

What I assume these people mean to do is congratulate me on finding out a major cause of distress and illness in my life and offer well wishes for my continued relief and recovery. I assume that's what was really meant. But just to entertain the first part of that ask, no, I am not "fixed."

There is no "fixing" the kind of chronic illness or disabilities I have. My ailments are genetic and lifelong, and if you're new here, newly diagnosed at the start of the pandemic, so my treatment thus far has been limited. Most of it is things I have pieced together myself.

That I've been able to do anything over the last year when I suffered 215+ migraine days on top of the connective tissue disorder I have, and the other condition that causes spontaneous anaphylaxis--not to mention the unmedicated ADHD I cannot treat with meds (yet)--is nothing short of miraculous.

So, now that my migraines are improving thanks to finding out I have binocular vision disorder on top of all the other stuff, will I be writing books faster?

I can only hope so.

But I also cannot say, "yes, absolutely, one book a year from here on out," because I just do not have the physical and mental capacity to guarantee that. Nor am I going to inflict that kind of mental and physical torture on myself (again) because it's the exact kind of thing that causes my health to crash and burn. And here's the thing:

Every time I burn myself out. Every time I push myself too far to keep up, it takes longer and longer to recover. The harder I push myself, the fewer books I will produce. That's the truth of it.

So I get it, it's frustrating. You want more of the fun thing (and thank you so much for loving what I do!), but you'll have to bear with me a little bit longer.

I am finding my stride as a multiply disabled creator, and I've spent the last two years untangling the guilt and imposter syndrome I experience over being "popular" but not being well enough to produce work at the same pace as everyone else around me.

I have worked out a system that I hope will be sustainable instead of leading to the continuous cycle of burnout I was trapped in for 10+ years as an editor. I have safety nets and supports in place that I didn't have before, and hopefully, those will help too. Time will tell.

Am I excited to get back to work? Absolutely. I'm ecstatic at the prospect of having fewer migraine days and more coherent brain days. But I'm also going to take my time to enjoy the process as well. I'd like to enjoy the things I write too. And I hope you can appreciate that.

So thank you for understanding, and for your patience. If you decide you can't wait, I'll understand. But please don't send authors, even able-bodied, neurotypical ones, messages like that. It's unkind. And I don't think any of you mean to be unkind.

#personal #author stuff #I really hope this doesn't come off as nasty #but the word 'fixed' is making the depression gremlins rabid #and I needed to say something

1K notes · View notes

copperbadge · 1 year

Text

I had a very successful and entertaining day today, as you guys can probably tell from the posts I made. There's a few more queued posts of stuff I didn't get to post in-situ, so enjoy that!

Some anecdotes I did not post about from today:

-- I can't remember the last time I queued for a museum. Mostly because if it's not one of "my" museums, like the Field or the Art Institute where I know the best ways in, I'm attending on a weekday deliberately so that I am not amongst the crowds. The line to get into the British Museum was a full block long, but to be fair it only took me ten minutes from opening to get inside. I was mostly amused by the people who a) didn't understand how museum entry works or b) didn't understand how to stand in a line without also blocking foot traffic on the rest of the sidewalk.

-- Almost got in a fight with someone, a definite first for me in a museum. I got salty with a guy who touched a sculpture when he knew he shouldn't, and he got up in my face, and I think genuinely the fact that I knew what the sculpture was called and he didn't confused him so badly he backed down. So if you're looking to defuse a situation via confusion, the phrase "Hey, don't fucking touch the Lamassu and we won't have a problem" worked for me.

-- The British Museum is great but among other issues (looted objects, weird relics of museum-specific imperialism, etc) it does suffer from poor display design in places. I'm okay with that, I kind of like old museums that are a little fucked up, even as I acknowledge that old fucked-up museums also have old fucked-up messaging. They appear to be trying on that front, but they could use a display placard overhaul. At one point I found an object in a case that appeared to be a carved human leg bone, and while I'm not a Bone Specialist there was also absolutely no placard about the bone at all. (I looked it up in the collection later using other objects in the case as reference, and it's just noted as "bone".)

-- I did have a great time overall; I saw most of the museum and then had a fancy meal, as documented. I was especially pleased to get to sample their coronation chicken since I collect tastings of coronation chicken, and I think they either used molasses in it or the bread had some, and either way it's grist for my mill as I start to develop The Chicken Salad War. After lunch I went on the hunt for a few last things, but I could feel myself getting tired and Becoming Unmedicated so I decided to leave a little early, which was the right choice, and gave me a little time to do some exploring.

-- @neil-gaiman did a post a while ago about stuff to see in London which I saved, and while I mostly planned my own journey, I did stop at Atlantis Books on his recommendation, which was well worth it. The woman working the till left me alone until I was ready to buy my book, then praised my choice (always a good move) and made a few minutes' small talk about my visit from America while she was ringing me up. Also I have never seen such a variety of Tarot decks for sale in my life. It was extremely impressive given the entire shop is roughly the size of my bedroom in Chicago.

All in all an excellent day out in London. Tomorrow I'm traveling to meet up with a friend, so probably fewer photos, but day after tomorrow I'm bound for Amsterdam so expect Rijksmuseum photos! I did not get into the Vermeer exhibit sadly, but I still want to see the museum and I'm on a quest for freshly made stroopwaffels and authentic gjetost, so I'm excited for the journey. I thought this trip might be one small anxiety after another -- would I be okay on the plane, would I get on the right trains, etc -- but I'm feeling more confident now, and I think between my early-bird tendencies and the ADHD meds I kicked the jet lag pretty quickly. I'm off to bed in a few, because tomorrow is an early day, so I guess we'll find out then how much I really kicked it....

#sam travels #the cheese tour #british museum

206 notes · View notes

sexhaver · 1 year

Text

ive made this post multiple times before and will probably make it again but the worst part of getting medicated for ADHD is that the two main effects are:

mentally, you become God. everything is easy, easier than easy. things that were impossible unmedicated are insultingly trivial on 50mg Vyvanse XR. focus, executive function, sociability, memory - everything is cranked up to 11 and then has the knob ripped off. this isn't gradual, either; you can physically feel yourself go from a barely-conscious husk to the physical embodiment of efficiency over the course of 15 minutes while the THX noise plays nonstop and keeps ramping up the entire time.

physically, you break yourself in every way that matters. you grind your teeth to dust and develop TMJ until you forget there was a time when you didn't wake up every morning with a headache from clenching your jaw all night. you genuinely just forget to eat or drink for 6 hours at a time until your doctor-approved meth wears off and you can suddenly hear everything your body has been screaming, begging for you to do since breakfast. the comedown itself is hell incarnate, feeling like being dropped off a cliff onto spikes a mile below. this happens every afternoon for the rest of your life, and you know it's coming the whole time.

this leads to the following outcomes:

the first point is extremely visible to everyone in your life, often times even more so than it is to yourself.

not only does everyone else notice that you're suddenly acting differently, they like that version of you way more. i know this sounds like depressive thinking, but i have literally been told this exact line to my face multiple times. you become a less flaky friend to your peers and a more consistent worker to your boss/coworkers. by all externally visible measures, you become an objectively better person to be around.

the second point is invisible to everyone except you 99% of the time.

the other 1% of the time, they notice the side effects because the clock struck midnight 6pm and the carriage turned back into a pumpkin your meds suddenly wore off. as far as an external observer is concerned, you suddenly went from being bubbly and fun to hang out with to a hangry cranky drain on everyone's energy in 10 minutes flat.

living with these inescapable facts every single day for years on end naturally leads to the following conclusions:

"When I feel bad/stressed, everyone else likes me. When I feel good/relaxed, everyone else dislikes me."

"Feeling good is an indication that I am currently doing something wrong, or am forgetting to do something entirely. In either case, it means everyone else in my life dislikes me."

"Feeling bad is not just an indication that I am doing something right, it's a prerequisite. Unless I feel bad, nobody else in my life likes me."

"Nobody else cares how I feel, they never will, and anyone saying otherwise is a liar. Sure, people understand that they have to say they care about my feelings to avoid sounding like sociopaths, but the fact that those same people consistently like me better when I'm medicated and doing nice stuff for them (while screaming internally and grinding my teeth to dust) than when I'm unmedicated and relaxing proves that they're full of shit."

"Since I'm literally the only person who cares about my own happiness (see above), and everyone else on Earth is happier when I'm suffering, it's not just difficult for me to fight depression and assert my self-worth - it's actively harming everyone else around me."

eventually you learn to turn off your feelings for a while to get through especially bad patches, but the entire thought process never goes away and eventually starts impacting how you view other people. i don't have a hopeful note to end this post on.

201 notes · View notes

fanterfane · 10 months

Text

The State of FanterFane, Now in ADHD!~

HEY YA'LL!

That's something I do now I guess, I say "YA'LL"! Either way, It's time for the first status update since the BIG ONE earlier this year. If you don't remember it or you're new, firstly, welcome, secondly, you can read it here: https://www.deviantart.com/fanterfane/journal/The-State-of-FanterFane-950469980. A lot of what I said here I'm still struggling with, and probably always will be, so it's still relevant. I've been told that several people have been recommended that post by Patreon because of it's high engagement, so I feel especial need to give the algorithm something better to serve. Also, this post is mainly about my struggles with ADHD, but it has other things and status updates sprinkled throughout. If you or someone you know has ADHD, I hope this helps!

For the sake of brevity though, I'll do a TL:DR right here. I developed carpal tunnel two months ago, and I've been working on treating it. It's been going pretty good lately, especially now that I finally have gotten my hands on ADHD medication after my long time lack thereof. As such, I've become much more productive and much, much happier! Things are looking up for me, and I'm hopeful for the future! Social acceptance for who I am now is still sometimes rough, but going better. SFW commissions have done wonders for my mental health, and I have plans for new art projects, commission queues, and more to try and do. I hope that you'll all continue to be the thing I get up for in the morning as I work to accomplish them! I'll be going on vacation next week, and I hope you all have a great summer!

Now for the super long part I don't fault anyone for NOT reading, here we go!

Earlier this year, it felt like I was spiraling down an unrecoverable path. Things I tried to do just wouldn't materialize. I would identify a problem like "My car is dirty" or "My room is messy" or even just "I should read and respond to this DM" and instead of working to solve it my anxiety would start up and make it so that I put it off. What if I messed it up? I was always so tired too, I just felt emotionless whenever I didn't feel sad. What if I just didn't deserve it anyway? What if all of this is a mistake? Those sorts of questions would plague me no matter what, preventing me from solving the very things giving me anxiety spiraling into even more anxiety. It was dumb, but mental health quite often is. It was getting so bad, that writing dialog and even just reading things started feeling like an anxiety induced dyslexic impossibility. For the longest time I assumed it was just depression, and that it would get better with time, but it hasn't over the years. Instead, it's only gotten worse year over year.

Now, I always get a little bit depressed every winter. Seasonal depression gets me down every year without fail, but this year was quite a bit more intense. The struggle between the two lives I live was really getting to me. I'd been doing ever more and more introspection, and discovering all the ways the way I was raised screwed me up definitely didn't help. Repressed memories often have a reason for being repressed. It doesn't help when the people you want to love you the most are the least supportive in your life, and might have even been partly the cause of some of your more unhealthy tendencies. Regardless of their intentions.

A big part of this issue though, I think at least, is that I've been unmedicated for my ADHD since High School. I stopped taking it as a Sophomore because I felt like I was smart enough to pass school without it, and that it wasn't helping me. The stigma against stimulants and medication in general was a big part of that decision. I was not self-aware enough at the time to realize that almost immediately my attention started suffering. It started slowly, too slowly for me to realize it at the moment, but gradually it became harder and harder to pay attention to class work over the years. It got so bad that in order for me to NOT fall asleep during class, I'd doodle on my classwork cause it kept me stimulated enough to stay awake. I'd always made good grades though, so I coasted through highschool on information osmosis and went on to community college, where it really started to catch up with me. Although again, I didn't realize it.

In community college, I had a couple of bad classes that really jarred me. Physics and Calculus. Physics was hard because the teacher was bad at teaching it, and 75% of that class failed the final, so I don't feel very bad about it. But the calculus class though, was the first time I'd ever felt like I'd failed myself in a class. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't understand the derivatives they tried to teach me. I passed, barely, but that was one of the times where I think my ADHD caught up to me, even if I didn't realize it. It wasn't much, but it was definitely a sign of things to come.

Once I got out of community college, I took a gap year between it and a longer stay at a university. During that time, I started trying to work on art more and more as a hobby. I started drawing possession, corruption, femboys, all that sorta wonderful stuff. Then Covid hit. My gap year turned to two, and suddenly that was long enough for me to have started an actual *career* doing this. Which was beyond crazy to me. It motivated me to no end, I wanted nothing more than to create and have fun creating for all my followers.

In the end though, my ADHD caught up to me. Like it always does. Once the initial honeymoon phase was over, and I settled into the hum and drum of being an online digital artist, it reared its head again.

You see, ADHD is not something that goes away. You may not think about it, but it's always there. ADHD, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, potentially being renamed soon to the ASD spectrum, is a mental disorder affecting the brain's dopamine pathway. People with ADHD struggle because they have less dopamine for everything than most other people do. This either leads to hyperactivity, because you need to do MORE to feel the normal amount of reward chemical (how I was when I was younger). Or it leads to Inattention, because nothing you do feels rewarded or worthwhile (how I am now). There's just physically not enough dopamine being released in my brain for it to function properly most of the time. That's why ADHD is treated with stimulants like Adderall or Vyvanse, because they stimulate the release of more dopamine in the pathways. Making everything feel *right*. My symptoms may have changed over the years through things like masking and other stuff, but I realized recently that it never went away.

At the end of last year, I started watching ADHD Youtube videos that were recommended to me by my friends who also have ADHD. Lo and behold, a lot of what I was struggling with was the poster child of adulthood with ADHD. Anxiety, inability to do basic tasks, procrastination, lack of motivation, etc etc. I was especially hit hard by the concept of "Executive Dysfunction". Executive dysfunction, common with ADHD, impairs planning, task prioritization, memory, execution, and emotional regulation. All things I've been struggling with for years to various extents. Also things that got worse whenever I was depressed.

Naturally, the first thing someone might do to solve this, is get treated/medicated. So that's what I tried. I enrolled in a private health care plan (self-employment doesn't get healthcare through their employer, GO USA) just to find out that it was in the middle of a ADHD medication shortage. I was eligible to get approved for VyVanse, the meds I took when I was a kid, because they were 500$ a bottle. My insurance was 250$ a month. So they denied it, citing that I "Haven't tried the other medications." The ones that I tried getting, Adderall and a couple other ones, were never in stock. Even my friends who already had medication started being unable to get any at all. It was around that time that I made The State of FanterFane post, because this really hit me hard. I'd done everything I was supposed to, but the world still shot me down for it.

Then, on top of everything else, I developed Carpal Tunnel. Which screwed me up even more mentally and physically. Suddenly, even when I WAS motivated (which was getting rarer and rarer) I couldn't even draw then because my wrist was constantly in pain. It really started feeling like things really were unsalvageable. I truly felt without hope for the first time since college, and before that high school. Like everything I had done up to that point was pointless, and only resulted in me sacrificing my health for something that would've never worked out.

...Until the first week of this month, June 2023. When one of my friends was able to get their hands on Adderall again, signaling the end of the shortage. I immediately took my prescription to my local pharmacy, and got my first ever bottle of Adderall XR. I had high hopes for what it would do for me, but the thing I didn't expect was for me to regain hope.

The next day, I took my first dose and proceeded to start deep cleaning and rearranging my entire room. I did laundry, folded clothes, wiped away dust EVERYWHERE, organized my belongings and important files for the first time EVER, unpacked moving boxes that hadn't moved in 2 years and much, much more! Essentially, I turned my entire room upside down over the course of a week. I can't really put into words just how liberating it felt, how finally being able to just see a problem, and then solve it immediately without any anxiety or self-doubt changed *everything*. Even better, every task completed was less anxiety to affect me whenever I felt down or depressed. I can't hate myself for having a messy room when it's so clean, it's literally *rearranged* after all!

To put it simply, it felt like my brain was *working again*. For the first time in literal YEARS. Once I was done cleaning, I moved onto working on art, posting, responding to messages and sorting personal files. These past three weeks have been three of the most productive weeks I've had in a very long time. I feel like I've not been this productive since the initial honeymoon phase of Dullahan Dilemma and the Attenborough collection (callback!). All the while, I got better at treating my carpal tunnel, to the point where it's not constantly pins and needling me anymore, and it even feels just generally better all the time! I've been getting better and better at doing various tasks, and I believe I'm truly on the road to recovery now.

Things from here are looking up! Genuinely! I wouldn't be here either if it wasn't for all of you kind people supporting me, even through the toughest times. I'm beyond grateful for that. I'd worship the ground you all walk on if I could. Without ya'll, I would not be here today. Forgive me for taking on a somewhat political tone, but I have no idea who I'd even be at this point without all of you, and all of my wonderful friends that I’ve met while doing this. Perhaps I'd have fallen deeper into the alt-right pipeline as a disenfranchised southern white guy. Becoming more homophobic and repressing my inner self even more than I already had been my entire life due to my upbringing. That was the only place I felt like I could fit into the conservative worldview my folks raised me in, after all. Maybe I would've gone back to school for a degree I couldn't use and in debt, landing in a terrible corporate job that didn't care for me. At least I would've got health insurance then, but also maybe all of my health problems would've gotten worse and worse and never got better, since I never would've had the motivation to fix them by working out, losing weight, and watching my diet. I honestly don't know, and thinking too deeply about the "what-ifs'' of it is pointless.

But now, what I can say is that when all the anxiety clears and the depression abates, I'm truly happy. For the first time in my life, I feel like I actually have an identity. Like my emotions actually do matter and that I'm not just some soulless machine whose only goal in life is to make money. I'm a human being. Although I may not be created in God's image, I have thoughts, feelings, and most importantly, flaws. I'm gay/bisexual, I'm not very masculine nor do I desire to be so, I like having long hair, and I like doing more effeminate things that most guys in the crowd I was falling into would balk at and blame on chemicals in the water. In other words, I feel healthier than ever. Mentally AND physically. I thank all of you, each and every single one, for staying with me throughout all of this. If any of you ever feel like you wanna reach out, especially if I can help you in some comparatively small way, please do. My DMs are always open, it's the LEAST I can do.

Some other things I should touch on- I've gotten a lot of surprising support for my transition from my extended family and friends. The closest is still the most difficult, I can't get my nails painted for instance, I was told not to when I asked, much to my chagrin. I've got a pride bracelet I've been wearing around, and no one has said anything about it, so that's good I suppose. Fox news still blares on the television in the living room, even after all the stuff that's gone down with *that* channel in recent times. I've given up on trying to convince them otherwise. I’ve been discredited anyway because I draw "X-rated shit", that doesn't make enough money. Even though as far as most people my generation are faring financially, I'm doing pretty good!

The SFW commissions have been going fantastic! Especially on the mental health side of things. It's helped me realize that I do in fact, have options. I'm not trapped doing one thing forever, which is honestly the thing that was scaring me the most. Just like the threat of a soul-draining corporate job till the day I die. I don't have to worry about what I'll be doing in 10 years, because I think I've built enough support and especially self-taught skill that no matter what I do, I'll be okay. It's only up from here, and I've even been feeling the flame of passion returning for TF and other lewdness! So you can for sure expect to see much more of that over the next few years, no matter what!

Speaking of money though, I have more plans for the future now too. I'm gonna make more money by doing more commissions and creating more sources of revenue. Just so that I can afford to move out, and get away from this toxic environment I find myself in. The cheapest apartments where I live run for about 750$ a month, so I'm hoping to save up over the next year and move the hell out. I think I'll be able to afford it, provided there are no extraneous events that hurt me financially. I'll be trying things like more YCH's, sketch commission streams like the patreon request streams, art packs, and maybe even merch! Ya'll be the first to be notified about any of this. The first YCH auction will hopefully be this weekend! It will be based on Nyan Cat possession, and the MC will be trying to run away from the cringey 2000's era meme culture that haunts them to this day. Thing is, the past has a funny way of coming back to haunt you!~

Finally, I'm going on vacation next week to see some friends in LA! If you're someone I know/trust around the LA area, and you wanna meet up, let me know in DMs and we'll see if we can arrange it! I may take a further vacation the week after for rest, but after that we'll be back to regularly scheduled LEWDNESS work!

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for coming with me and supporting me on this journey. Happy pride month, and I hope everyone has a great Summer! I love all of you! Here's to several more years of FanterFane!

XOXO,

FanterFane

#announcement #adhd #my adhd #living with adhd

29 notes · View notes

sarpedon · 8 months

Note

how tf do you turn adhd into a disorder that makes you insanely good at school? ...asking for a friend.

so you know how when you get really excited about something it's all you can think about and all you want to do and all you can talk about and you wake up looking forward to doing That Thing and you centre your entire life around it?

you can trick yourself into doing that for school

i doubt this would work for high school, but if you're in university studying something you're passionate about? you're halfway there.

literally every paper i have written my friends have suffered through hearing me ramble for hours on end about, hyping myself up to the idea of writing it, so that by the time im writing it im so excited to be doing it that it's genuinely fun.

exams are a little harder to make fun, i still sometimes have trouble getting myself to study, especially for things like language exams, but if you have managed to get yourself excited about the subject as a whole you can usually manage to divert some of that enthusiasm to the exam and preparing for it. last spring my professor described the format of the exam to us and was like "so how does that sound" and i was like "That sounds fun!!" and i genuinely meant it, because i had just built up the class as something fun for so long that it became that.

obviously this wont make time management easier, but if you are excited about these things you will be less likely to put them off.

school is just like a game and if you view it as something you're doing for fun and to have a good time it gets literally 100x easier.

(and for reference i am currently unmedicated - i have been medicated for adhd in the past and it is not for me)

#idk if this is helpful.#but adhd brain hates boring things and likes fun things.#so if youre always having fun then you will be VERY good at what you do.

7 notes · View notes

rothjuje · 1 year

Text

The sun setting early has been...nice? I forgot how much more I enjoy cooking (and eating) in the colder months. The time change has been...not so nice. It has completely derailed George’s ability to sleep through the night and I’m getting too old to be up multiple times a night. I don’t mind feeling tired, but it’s hard to get much done at this level of exhaustion (which does not help my mental state).

The kids had a shorter week last week which was nice. Things were less crazy overall and Justin and I were able to reconnect. We had our first (at home) date night since the move. We’ve actually spent the last three consecutive evenings together catching up on conversations and shows. Feels nice to leave the roommate phase.

We said goodbye to our last warm day yesterday and explored a new hiking spot that was very pretty. Weather is supposed to be in the mid 40s all next week. My friends here are starting to suffer from SAD, which I did not realize was an actual thing. So odd to me how MA just shuts down this time of year. I have the gift of novelty/not having experienced this season yet, so hopefully I won’t succumb to SAD.

I haven’t been able to convince Justin yet that a dog is a good idea but I have been able to convince him that a treadmill is! I ended up working out last week and the endorphins after were woah. I might actually buy myself earbuds or whatever they’re called and have a little workout date with myself in the evenings.

I have an appointment with a psych soon to discuss ADHD meds and I’m leaning toward staying unmedicated. Or maybe trying concerta again, but adderall isn’t for me. Maybe stimulants aren’t in general, I already struggle with appetite and falling asleep so the side effects really get me. I know there is non-stimulant ADHD medication but I don’t know enough about it/if it’s effective.

Also, I think most of my inability to complete tasks recently is due to the move/stress. I’ve had a few breaks over the past couple weeks and it has considerably improved my functionality/motivation. And I also realized I get weird if I don’t spend enough time outside so that too has helped center me.

I found out one of my friends has T/TH mornings free and we have plans to go on walks and just hang and I am so excited to have some adult interaction. It’s really, really nice to have two close friends here. I love my little town even if it does make me stir crazy at times. But we did find that beautiful hiking spot by a lake 12 minutes away so at least there’s something close to do while George is away at school in the mornings.

My car is having issues again. Sigh. Justin loves having a van, but I need something lighter and easier to drive/park. I love the Kia Sorento because it’s light/easy to drive and also has a third row. A Ford Explorer has a third row as well and is an attractive option because it seems a little safer in the snow/can tow and I would like a camper some day (but it’s heavier and pricier than the Sorento). I will miss having sliding doors and a tv though, hmm..

22 notes · View notes

lunaprincipessa · 4 months

Text

ENTRY THIRTY-SIX

Struggling a lot lately with the thought and feeling of being broken. What exactly is it though? I can feel it through and through but putting into words is something else. I looked up a random definition. It said:

"People who feel emotionally broken have low self-esteem and tend to be unhappy. You may feel hopelessness or in despair. Perhaps you feel inadequate or unworthy of love. Of course, none of these things are true, but they are common for people who believe they are broken."

That's pretty much how I would describe what I'm going through. I don't have a healthy self-image and any joy I come across in life is often overshadowed by fear and sadness. There is disparity and hopelessness because... what if it's too late? I feel inadequate in a lot of aspects in life and yes, I feel unworthy of love most of the time despite how badly I wish and long for it. As far as the definition goes, is that it? I looked up another definition. It said:

"The terminology of "broken soul" may refer to someone experiencing mental or emotional instability due to their life experiences or past trauma. Signs of a "broken soul" include someone who wants to be alone, has low self-esteem or self-worth, and may feel unworthy of being loved."

Ok, so there's a little more detail, and one that I also resonate with. On a more philosophical side, I believe the flesh can be broken but not the soul. That's a whole other entry though. Continuing on... I admit to, and acknowledge my mental and emotional instability due to life experience and trauma. About 80% of my life so far has been rotten between physical abuse, rape, getting stolen from, being cheated on, an immense amount of loss (both loved ones and sentimental items), betrayal, working hard since the age of 14 yet having nothing to show for it, and circumstances beyond my control robbing me of much needed life-changing opportunities. That's just to name a few.

Life has not been easy for me, amongst millions of others that have experienced the same thing. True, no one said life would be fair, but no one warned us about how severely it can beat you down, doesn't matter if you're a good person. In fact, being a good person only guarantees you'll suffer more than the average. I do want to be alone but that's because of trust issues. I want a significant other, I want friends, I want that sense of community more than anything else but I've been hurt so damn much, I don't even know if I can trust it when it does come around. It's a very lonely and exhausting thing to go through. Again with the self-esteem and self-worth, to which I have none.

I feel as though middle age and being a single mother has caused me to lose value as a human being. American society certainly doesn't help with its hatred against single mothers and the passiveness toward the men who abandoned their families. I know I can love and care for someone, but am I even worthy of it in the first place? This is my struggle, the battle I fight with an unsharpened sword and a cracked shield. I was never prepared for what I endured, or the aftermath afterward.

These are the definitions I found searching for just that, "broken person definition," or "what makes a broken person?" What if I changed the key words in the search? How about, "how do I know if I'm broken?" It said:

"Feeling overwhelming sadness, stress, or having altered eating or sleeping patterns are common in people who express feeling broken or after something traumatic had happened. Some people report feeling physical symptoms, such as body aches and digestive issues."

Yes to all unfortunately. The sadness and stress is immobilizing to say the least. Makes me want to give up and lose interest in general. The trauma and the unmedicated ADHD is forever fucking with my eating and sleep patterns. Some days, I can't be bothered with solid food if I forget, if l don't care, or if the lack of self-esteem internally screams insults at me, causing unhealthy weight loss. Our generation didn't have the body positively that younger women have today. The aches, the exhaustion, the stomach issues... all gifts from trauma and a rough fuckin life. Thanks. 😑 As if the experiences themselves weren't enough to go through, here comes life with a handful of salt for the open wounds.

I keep going though. I just pick up the broken pieces and I keep going. I have no idea what the future holds or if there's really any point to anything but I keep going. I have to. We gotta fight for our kids and we gotta outlive our enemies. Because that is the real revenge against anything or anyone that ever tried to hurt us, thriving.

More thoughts later.

#broken #broken soul

3 notes · View notes

eirian · 5 months

Text

oh right uhhhh spiritual talk under cut bc ive been thinking about it

so some of u may remember when i practiced buddhism like..two or three times. lol.

the reason i gave up on it each time wasnt out of boredom or something like..malicious or whatever. it was bc i genuinely thought i couldnt live up to the teachings of the buddha. i couldnt understand how i could properly practice buddhism without messing up or doing it wrong or not understanding it in the right way, and i felt bad for not doing it right, so i didnt do it at all.

one of the big hang ups i had with buddhism was how it teaches forgiveness. like, forgiving everyone no matter what basically, bc if you hang on to these feelings itll cause suffering. and for a long time, up until last night actually, i didnt understand how this was possible for me so i didnt think i could live up to that standard.

but after talking with ruby last night i realized my perception of forgiveness was like...wrong? i always equated forgiveness with "thinking everything is okay now" which isnt what forgiveness is i dont think. we talked about it and now im under the understanding that forgiveness is letting go. its not allowing these ill feelings and bad people to own you anymore and live rent free in your head. its not a requirement to feel ok with what happened, its not a requirement to say "yeah its fine now and what you did doesnt matter anymore". its about letting go of them and not letting them rule you anymore

i think with that understanding i feel like i finally understand that part of buddhism? and. god i feel really silly for saying this. but im considering taking up practicing buddhism again. i hate looking so flaky with spirituality like this since ive been an "on and off buddhist" for years and i dont want it to seem like im treating it as an accessory because im not. i just feel like theres a Reason i keep getting attracted to it and coming back to it. idk. maybe i wanna try again after all

another thing that kind of hung me up was the meditation and mindfulness part and i gotta tell you as someone with unmedicated adhd these two things are SO hard for me lol. but honestly i dont think it matters as much as i thought it did? i do believe in reincarnation which aligns with buddhism, and i know for a fact i dont have to get it all right on this try, or even on the next ten. if i struggle with meditation and mindfulness in this life for one reason or another, then i'll get it in another one. its fine. life is a cycle until you reach nirvana and i am not about to reach nirvana tomorrow LMAO

so erm. tl;dr i might take up buddhism again after i look into it more bc now i have new understandings of things i struggled with before <3

6 notes · View notes

not-poignant · 2 years

Text

There's a take floating around which goes: If you're self-deprecating about your writing your readers feel shitty so keep that shit to yourself, it's terrible to make them feel shitty.

And it's like... yes but, mental illness exists and this take seems... ableist?

Like don't get me wrong, I keep like 99.999% of my insecurities about my writing away from social media or public spaces believe it or not (which was a skill I had to learn, and did not come easily, and does not come easily, esp to people who have very few trusted friends they can vent to), but... people have mental illnesses? Telling someone to just 'keep it to themselves' is... part of the problem, and not part of the solution.

Seeing someone feel terrible about writing can be resonating for others who feel terrible about their writing sometimes, especially when they then pull through to the other side and keep writing. Seeing your favourite writers go on downward spirals is like 'oh they feel that too.' There can be solidarity in the low points, especially for those of us who have actual mental illnesses. I know for myself, seeing folks with unmedicated ADHD, who experience rejection sensitivity dysphoria over fics that don't do great, who sometimes wonder if it's worth it, go on to decide that it is worth it - is actually really heartening for me personally.

The example given was that if say - I feel bad about my writing, it might make people feel bad about their writing too. Like 'oh no if that writer feels bad then how bad is my writing?' -> I acknowledge this could happen, but I'm also very frank about literally having mental illness/es and generally being in the middle of them when I'm downward spiralling on my writing. If someone uses that to tear down their own writing, they might have their own mental health stuff to deal with that is literally their responsibility, and I have no doubt that many people do.

For myself, personally, someone else's downward spiral has actually never made me feel bad about my writing, but it has made me go 'hey fellow sufferer of these particular spirals, I recognise you, I recognise this pain, it won't last, and you're doing amazing.' Everyone's different, I prefer the solidarity in acknowledgement and honesty, even as someone who literally does keep a lot of that stuff private because I also don't want to be like... 'constant mental illness parade' on this particular Tumblr. That's what Dreamwidth is for ;)

The world of writing (or any career) isn't just a place for forced cheer and happiness and 'I am confident ALL THE TIME about my writing.' Especially creative industries where everything is subjective and you literally have no idea how well your stuff is going to do, vs. a surgery where you probably have a pretty good idea if you're doing a good job literally while you're doing the surgery. Constant cheer and confidence to me is false and it's frankly alienating. Some of my best artist and writer friends I've made, are people who do sometimes just speak up honestly about the pain, suffering, and mental health impacts of doing something creative when you have anxiety, depression or PTSD (for example.)

I'm not saying the alternative - to *constantly* talk your writing down - is great either... but- let's be real it's often a symptom of a *mental illness* and I'm not about invisibilising or asking people to pretend they don't have them or to conceal their symptoms. I'd rather know someone was struggling. Telling people to hide their ugly parts is literally what we call mental health stigma. Telling someone to shut up about their suffering simply because it might make other people feel bad, is honestly pretty ableist in general, but especially in the arena of mental health. We generally want people to be speaking up more, because the alternative is isolating and alienating, and can lead to dire consequences.

I'd rather someone talked about having a bad day with their writing, and gave me a chance to at least witness that and maybe even react (with a heart emoji, or a paragraph, or something), than suffered in silence only to one day disappear from writing (or the world) forever.

So yeah, different strokes for different folks, I guess.

If you're the kind of person who doesn't like to see someone with mental illnesses talk about sometimes hating their writing, the unfollow button is right there. :)

#thinky thoughts #pia on writing #pia on fanfiction #pia on mental illness #i'm so tired of the take of #'you make other people feel bad because of this very real illness you have that you can't cure #so shut the fuck up about it instead'#it's a bad take #and i do not want that take to be normalised #i do think it's important for writers to think about the impact of what they say #but thinking about the impact of what you're saying and how you say it #is different to having someone suggest you just #never be authentic about your disabilities or mental illnesses at all #no one is obligated to stay here if they don't want to see the posts where i'm having a hard time #the writing is all on AO3 #with author's notes that are relatively ennui free

31 notes · View notes

bullworthdrabbles · 2 years

Text

This might be a controversial opinion here, but I'm really sick of seeing this in this fandom.

Stop giving one of the few canonically neurodivergent and mentally ill characters who already informs us of his diagnoses even more diagnoses without researching the disorders you intend to give him.

The number of times I have seen Gary get falsely diagnosed with disorders he canonically has never been diagnosed with and in many cases are outdated diagnoses that he doesn't even begin to fit the criteria of is fucking atrocious and I'm fucking done.

Many of y'all are basing the diagnosis of "sociopath" (which I will state isn't a diagnosis anymore) on a few lines of dialogue FROM HIS ABLEIST ASS PEERS. Last I checked not a single student in Bullworth is qualified to diagnose anyone with a broken bone much less a personality disorder. Imagine if you received a diagnosis just because your bullies called you OCD in high school, that's what I see a lot of you doing with this shit. And it's not just ASPD (the actual disorder you guys mean when you say "sociopathy" which you would know if you did a 10-second google search) many are labeling him with NPD, and/or megalomania (this one isn't even a diagnosis and is related to Narcissistic personality disorder which once again is easy to find out with a google search. The DSM doesn't even distinguish between Megalomania and NPD.)

By y'all doing this you are only further stigmatizing cluster B personality disorders which are already stigmatized enough. These disorders often come from years of abuse and neglect from a very early age and are born as responses to that abuse. These disorders are serious and can damage the quality of life for the person suffering from these conditions and those closest to them. People with these conditions actually deserve more empathy and understanding because of the toxic environments that these folks had to endure which contributed to them developing these disorders. Also just so y'all know, many people who have these disorders with treatment can be perfectly normal members of society you wouldn't otherwise know had these diagnoses. You doing this just goes to show how you view those with cluster B personality disorders as not deserving of empathy or understanding often treating them as subhuman and it's fucking gross.

So by labeling the openly neurodivergent and mentally ill villain the "sociopath", or "narcissist" without any research into these disorders you are very much displaying a lot of casual ableism because you are saying the only reason Gary did what he did was due to a disorder we never once get informed of him having, the only confirmed canonical diagnosis he has IS FUCKING ADHD. Btw, as someone with ADHD, I can confirm that even in my unmedicated state I have never harmed another person intentionally or taken over any schools.

I know part of the problem was back in 2006 Rockstar's shitty ass writing stated that the reason Gary did what he did was that he went off his meds and implied he was all this stuff through the other characters, but c'mon people use your critical thinking here. We don't have to write and talk about Gary the same way some lazy ableist ass men back in Rockstar did. If we can all acknowledge all the fucking ableist ass slurs in the game are fucking wrong and shouldn't be used, why tf can't we come to an agreement that this is also not fucking acceptable. I'm not saying you can't write him with any other disorders aside from ADHD, but you need to at least do basic ass research and write with a certain level of understanding and care of and for these disorders.

We are in 2022, many of y'all have your own fucking diagnoses, so why tf am I still seeing this shit? Do better.

#cas speaks #cas vents #gary smith #bullworth academy #bully cce #bully scholarship edition #canis canem edit

46 notes · View notes

aemonds-sapphireeye · 1 year

Note

🌻 If you get this, answer with 3 random facts about yourself and send it to the last 7 blogs in your mentions, anonymous or not! Let's get to know the person behind the blog 🌻

Sorry I started working on answering this and then got distracted. Unmedicated ADHD life. I have that same kinda anxiety when you're on a first date and they say "tell me about yourself" and you are struck with the realization that you've never done anything interesting in your entire life. Ummm.

1) I almost majored in creative writing but switched at the last minute to nonfiction writing because I had no idea what I'd do with a degree in creative writing. Then I didn't know what I'd do with a degree in nonfiction writing either. 🤷‍♀️

2) When I was younger quite a few people told me that I look like Taylor Swift but it's really only at certain angles and certain lighting and with certain haircuts and even then I think it's still kinda iffy:

Shout out to the filter for making me look better than I am lmao.

3) I'm actually mildly allergic to dogs but I'd rather die than live a life without man's best friend so I just suffer with it lol.

#will probably remove the pic after a bit so preferably nobody reblog bc I'm shy #asks

2 notes · View notes

voidcat · 2 years

Note

'what am i most known for?'

What kind of question is that? [insert rolling eyes emoji, i am on my laptop] obviously it's your angsty, nihilistic hurt/comfort dazai stuff.

and the fact that you have your 'what 2D boi is danyl hyperfocusing this week?' phases...

Have some faith, i hyper focus on the ladies more, i just keep the thoughts to myself,, And it’s monthly, not weekly. Sorry for being a hot sexy unmedicated adhd sufferer as if it’s my fault 🙄🙄🙄

Thanks for recognizing the dazai works<3 lowkey glad u didn’t say Verlaine Or made a jab abt me being a whore or having a harem akjcwkfikwkdw

What am I most known for?

#ask game #answered #loshka !!

2 notes · View notes

toasted-valentine · 6 days

Text

Analysis of the song “Choker” by Raincloud Halo

(Note: I do not own any of these characters, I am just very intense about artists I like, and my adhd is very unmedicated right now so I’m on my hyperfixation bullshit. All characters belong to @cynopter / @tobyisave, I am but a humble nerd who needs to let my energy out somehow.)

Cw suicide, strangulation, general violence, OCD, and intrusive thoughts.

Linking to the creator’s post about the characters, I’m just gonna go more in depth and speculate about specifics within the song and what each lyric could be alluding to. Again, send this dude bro all the love, motherfucker deserves it for scratching at the adhd parts of my brain and having such crunchy looking art. Anyways, if their art had a flavor it would be salty and spicy, and that’s my favorite, so go check them out.

Gonna go bit by bit, lyrics in orange, my notes in white.

“Veering off the path

With the devil on my shoulder”

Townsend went as far into the middle of nowhere as they could get to hang themself, they’re going off the already established paths to make sure no one finds them. People who kill themself will sometimes go out of the way to make sure their loved ones don’t find them. This is most likely what Townsend is doing, not realizing that it’ll trap her as a ghost. The devil line is a reference to the fact that their family and community blamed their OCD on the devil, so Townsend’s religious trauma is showing it’s hand.

“A sturdy branch that won't snap

And Baby's jacket dangling at my waist

'Cause he won't miss it when he's older”

First part is just referencing Townsend finding a branch that’ll hold their weight so that they can hang themself, the second bit is what I’m more interested in. Townsend stole her baby brother’s jacket to take with her as a reminder as to why she’s doing this, and I believe the line has a duel meaning. Townsend’s brother won’t miss the jacket when he’s older, sure, but he also won’t miss May. He’s a baby at this point, he hasn’t been hit with the consciousness beam yet, he won’t remember the older sister that died if she does it now.

“It gets really bad

I don't know why they're not scared of that

I only dream of hurting him

Now images of wringing him out”

Townsend is terrified of her intrusive thoughts, she had OCD and is suffering from violent compulsions. She wants someone to hold her accountable, to hurt her, to keep their distance so she doesn’t hurt them. It’s why she commits suicide, in her mind it’s the best possible way to keep her from hurting her brother since she loves him. She’s sort of hyping herself up in this moment, once more reminding herself as to why she’s doing this.

“No one ever tell you not to nurse the wolf pup?

Now I've gone and tied the ends off on this strife

Sorry, that's just what happens when you trust me with my life”

May sees herself as a dangerous creature, therefore is comparing her family keeping her around to keeping a wolf around. In her mind she’s just going to maul someone, so she needs to be put down for the greater good. She finishes tying the noose, apologizes one last time, and dies.

“The city

Good people passing through me everywhere I go”

May wakes up as a ghost, she’s officially the ghost at the towns end, and Townsend is figuratively born. The thing is, since she’s a ghost, no one can see her. Everyone around her seem like “good people”, better than her, and she’s stuck alone having to watch them. It’s like living in hell, seeing “normal” people just living their lives, and none of them seeing the supposed demon standing right by them. It’s why she lives in the edge of town, she can’t stand to see them.

“And I hate that you found mе

Don't want to have to say I told you so”

Enter stage left Phượng, she can see ghosts and finds Townsend. And Townsend fucking hates it, not because she necessarily dislikes Phượng, but because it means she could potentially hurt someone. As much as Phượng reassures Townsend that she’s not dangerous, she doesn’t believe it and is waiting for the “I told you so” moment. She’s anticipating the moment she snaps and hurts Phượng, and is fucking terrified of the thought.

“"Don't touch me, I'll kill you"

The devils will slip through”

Townsend is trying to keep Phượng and her brother as emotionally distant as humanly possible, it’s safer that way after all, at least it is in Townsend’s mind. Along with that she’s trying to get Phượng to lash out and exorcise her, to kill her and get it over with. It’s a fucked up way of trying to protect the two. The devils line is once again referencing Townsend’s religious upbringing and her belief that Satan himself is fucking with her brain and making her want to kill.

“But still you hold me to yourself in bed

Like it’s all in my head”

Phượng has full knowledge of Townsend supposedly being an evil ghost, and in spite of that, she still wants her. She still loves Townsend, she loves May, and still is completely comfortable sleeping next to May. Phượng knows that May would never hurt her, May can’t event stomach the idea of hurting someone, let alone hurting her partner. Phượng keeps telling May that it’s just in her head and that that there’s no way May would hurt her, pulls her close at night so there’s not the kind of distance May thinks is safe for Phượng, is insistent that May isn’t dangerous or evil. Specifically having it be when Phượng is sleeping next to May is something interesting to take note of, because she trusts May at what could be considered a person’s most vulnerable state. People can’t defend themself when sleeping, so it’s a big sign of trust and security in May.

“But it gets so bad

I don't know why you're not scared of that

I'm thinking of your broken body

Reaching in and squeezing softly”

Townsend’s worst night has started pulling itself out of the hellscape that is her OCD, the intrusive thoughts and homicidal compulsions have transferred onto Phượng. She’s started thinking about killing Phượng, and it’s hell. What’s worse is that the compulsions have gotten more gorey and violent, which scares Townsend. Even still, after presumably telling Phượng about her compulsions, Phượng remains a devoted partner and isn’t scared of May. It confuses the hell out of May, Phượng knows damn well what May is thinking about, and she still loves May.

“No one ever tell you not to play with fire?

Somehow got to hang me higher than your knife”

(Going to be so for real, I’ve got no clue what the knife line is referring to, so gonna focus on the other one. )

The line about fire has a larger meaning, May is comparing herself to fire, something dangerous and deadly. Thing is, Phượng isn’t scared of fire, she burns stuff often as offerings to her sister. May saying she’s deadly, that Phượng is playing with fire, but it’s a double meaning that helps show why Phượng isn’t scared of Townsend. Phượng can see the good in fire, the good it can do for her sister, and is completely fine around it. Townsend is fire to Phượng, but in the sense of the warmth and safety it brings, and more importantly the love.

“I swear to god

Stop saying that you trust me with your life!”

Phượng keeps trying to reassure May, tell her that she trust her, but it’s just cold comfort to May. May couldn’t even be trusted with her own life, how is she expected to be trusted with her partner’s? It’s the racing thoughts of not being able to keep a loved one safe, and all their reassurances not making May feel better. Sometimes loved ones say the wrong thing and can cause people suffering from a mental illness to spiral or lash out, being told this just makes May feel like she got handed a loaded weapon with a hair trigger on it.

“ "Choke her" Fuck Him" "Devil"

Why would I do that?

"Choke her" Fuck Him" "Devil"

Why would I do that?

Why would I do that?”

May is full in her own mind at this point, she’s scaring the every loving hell out of herself, and questioning why she’d even want to choke her loved ones to death. It’s scary, and she just is repeating the question over and over again in her mind. The three most common intrusive thoughts she has are full swing, the thought of choking Phượng, the thought of harming her brother, and the thought that keeps calling herself the devil due to her religious trauma. It’s bouncing back and forth between the compulsions and questioning why she’d ever even think of doing that. The bridge is basically just one extended panic attack May is having in her mind.

“Choker!”

Roll credits.

But seriously, this is just May calling herself choker, and the compulsion of “choke her” morphing into an insult in her mind due to the stress and similarity of pronunciation. Townsend has managed to find a way to turn her compulsion into a title/self loathing term by meshing the two words together.

“I lover her

And I love my baby brother

Love her (Devil)

Lover (Devil)”

May is reaffirming her love for her brother and for Phượng in her mind, along with accepting the fact she is in love with Phượng. She accepts Phượng as her lover and is willing to have that vulnerability, even tho her own low self esteem keeps causing thoughts that call her the devil. She’s trying to comfort herself with continued remembrance that these are the two people she loves most in the world.

“I’d never do that

(Choke her)”

I think this line can be read two ways,

•May accepting that she’d never actually hurt Phượng because she loves Phượng, even if the compulsions are still ringing in the back of her mind.

•Townsend having a crisis of conscious and desperately trying to cling onto the last bit of self soothing she can find when she feels like the intrusive thoughts and OCD are consuming her.

Personally I like the first one more because it leaves the door open for hope and the possibility of May being able to life a happy life with her lover. The mental illness may never go away, but she still knows that she loves Phượng and her little brother, and at the end of the day she’d never hurt them.

Moral of the story, intrusive thoughts don’t make you a bad person, there is no such thing as thought crime, and the Catholic Church should never be trusted with mental health issues.

This is just my own interpretation and analysis, I could be completely off the mark with this one, I just am having fun.

Again, please go check out the original creator, his work is amazing and he deserves more love for it. Their work really resonates with me, especially Choker with the fears of how intrusive thoughts could harm loved ones, and I think there’s a lot of good to be had in someone making stuff like this. Plus, the dude is just generally really skilled, and you can see the amount of effort it took to get to this point in his various artistic endeavors. I pray for that man’s wrist, the carpel tunnel must be so bad.

#raincloud halo #orange peels on fire #opof #not my oc #not my character #townsend #Phuong #cw ocd #cw violence #cw death #cw sui mention #cw strangulation #analysis #song analysis

1 note · View note

geekthefreakout · 2 months

Text

A meditation trauma and trying not to pass it on

Don't mind me, I'm just trying to organize my thoughts. If you read this, I do welcome your thoughts, just realize that this is gonna be long and I'm not sure what my point is yet. But. Anyway. Just me rambling under the cut as i try to figure out how I feel.

My stepmother and I didn't always get along. Don't always, I should say. It was worse when I was younger. I lived with her and my dad for about 10 years- age 16 to 26. Over those 10 years, what I only recently became comfortable calling emotional abuse was inflicted on me. The whole gaslight gatekeep shebang. My dad enabled my stepmother-- not, I think, out of malice, but because he's always gone on the path of least resistance. They had me so twisted up in their expectations and gaslighting that half the time I didn't know if I could trust my own perception of reality. Was I legitimately upset or just dramatic? Is this situation messed up, or am I spoiled? Am I letting my upset at my father's infidelity breaking up my family stop me from accepting life as it is now? Am I the problem? Am I the whole problem or part of the problem? Am I actually a good person? Are the random, disproportionate punishments meted out by my stepmother a result of my being stubborn and rude rather than her being mean and controlling? Is she never at fault because the stroke she had led to her having a short temper, but my brain (neurodivergent, unmedicated because Dad and Stepmom didn't believe in ADHD medication) was undamaged?

Even more confusing were the GOOD things. The presents and trips. The movie nights. My stepmother's righteous indignation when a neighbor got in my face for something that wasn't my fault. The way she took me to doctor's appointments and then to McDonald's after to make up for not eating all day (those fasting blood tests smh). The way my dad and I were so often mirrors of each other without realizing, and she would point something out like how we both entered a room the same way (kick off shoes, survey the kingdom to see who is there with hands on hips, nod in greeting individually but only say one collective hello) and laugh about it and I would laugh too.

And then there are my half siblings. We are strangely symmetrical, my father's children. He had two of us with each wife. Both sets have a girl born first, then a boy 3 years later. Holding my baby sister when I was 15 was the first time I thought that maybe all the pain of my dad leaving my mom might be worth it. She was so perfect and warm in my arms. My littlest brother was the same, a perfect, comforting weight. I love them so much.

I used to be afraid that if I wasn't good, my stepmother would turn them against me. I stayed in that house for 10 years, 4 years longer than I strictly had to (after I graduated college, my mom had urged me to move in with her and my brother again. They'd moved back closer since I'd left them). because I was terrified that if I did move out, the kids would see it as some kind of abandonment or rejection (projecting much?) and I wouldn't be able to control the narrative. I was afraid of losing them, even of losing my dad. I was also afraid of passing on my trauma to them. Why should they have to suffer simply because I am?

To this day, (sister is 15 now herself) I've never brought up anything that's gone on with our parents. I always did my best to end any arguments before the kids might hear- something that I suspect my stepmother was aware of and used to her advantage. One time years ago I did snap and said "your parents are assholes", and I then proceeded to have a panic attack and be inconsolable for hours because I was afraid I'd harmed my sister's perception of her family. When Dad got home from work he had to spend time assuring me that my sister (6 at the time) was far more in awe of the fact that I'd said "asshole" about an adult than she was upset that I'd said a negative thing about her parents, and that I hadn't harmed her little psyche. I only wanted the kids to get positive things from me

Last weekend I was visiting my them- my dad, stepmom, and half siblings. My sister busted her knee playing sports and was trapped in the living room, unable to go upstairs to her own room, so she had control of the TV. She was watching 13 Reasons Why. I was on the couch, petting the dogs. Stepmother was also watching. On the screen, the students walked out of their school and resisted the police attempting to disburse them. My stepmother looked at my sister and said "If you ever do anything like this, I'll beat your ass." My sister said "But the police are wrong! If they deserve it..."

My stepmother said "They're the police. You don't fight them."

I decided to contradict her and say "That's right, sis. Fight for what's right. I was in a walk out once."

Stepmother, as the scene plays on: "See, it's just getting them arrested. It's stupid. Not worth it. You don't do this."

Sister: *explains the context for why the cops are bad in this scenario and argues that the SROs in the show are BAD*

Me: You know who got arrested for standing up to police? MLK. Sometimes you gotta, sis.

My stepmother got angry, as she does. She told me that she didn't appreciate my comments. Recognizing the red flag for what it was, I subsided, hands up in placation. But my stepmother is like a bulldog, sometimes. She kept chewing on it, her voice getting louder. Said that sis was her daughter, she was the mother, she didn't like me contradicting her when she is trying to teach her daughter something. I didn't argue- again, I know how this goes. If I defend myself or really say anything at all besides "sorry" or "you're right", I will just make it last longer. But my sister got upset that we couldn't watch the show in peace and irritably changed the channel. And just like when she was a kid, I felt myself start to panic.

I had argued with her mother in front of her. Did I hurt her? Did I make her day worse? Am I the problem? Is my sister mad at me? Is it safe for me to talk again yet?

Because of the *years* of therapy, I was able to arrest my panic attack before it really began. I was able to rationalize with myself that it didn't really qualify as an argument, and the sis sees her mother scold even her adult family and friends similarly. I got down from the couch so I could sit on the floor and give the big dog more thorough belly rubs and was rewarded with an organic conversation change when the little dog decided to bully the big one for receiving attention (she does this a lot. She's so spoiled.). And now, I look back and wonder what my sister really saw in that interaction.

Did she see me fawn and think "Ze isn't fighting the police any time soon, ze can't even fight my mother lol"

Did she see me fawn and think "That's the best response."

Did she see me say something and think "Don't you know better than to say things like that by now?"

Or did she think nothing of it at all?

What do I want the answer to be?

Idk.

#personal #emotional abuse tw

1 note · View note