#i have the worlds shittiest memory and not many triggers myself | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lovefollowsknowledge · 7 years

Text

“Above all, trust in the slow work of God”

So this past Sunday, by recommendation of my doctor, I made a retreat with the visiting Int’l Statue of our Lady of Fatima, on her 100th year anniversary, at a cloistered dominican monastery (*major Catholic fan girling over here*!!), and I think this quote kind of sums up what visiting her meant for me...

First of all, my doctor was there, and I was blown away by how blessed I am to have her in my life. I mean, I always knew she was awesome. She's gotten me over some steep hurtles. She's assured me countless times that I’m in her prayers. But seeing her in her actual prayer life. Seeing her actually encounter the Lord…goodness, that’s a whole other ball game. She not only kept checking in on me and expressed such joy to see me there, but she kept checking in with the people all around her. I just got to see a whole other side of her. I got to see her love in action. I got to see her motherly heart. I don't know what it is but that was probably one of the best parts of Sunday. Maybe it was just assuring knowing this is the kind of woman God has placed in my life to help take care of me. That meeting her was no accident, but that it was totally on purpose, orchestrated by God to have such a holy woman in my life walk with me through my deepest wounds. It was just the most comforting thing.

But mostly, my favorite part was the most wonderful surprise of all - Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament was exposed! Right above the sanctuary in just the largest tabernacle/monstrance I’d ever seen. It was just so beautiful. I knew Our Lady would be there, I knew the sisters would be there, I knew all these prayers were gonna go down, I even had a feeling confession would be available. But I did not know that I would have the chance to sit with our Lord in the Blessed Sacrament. Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve been able to do that?! No, since I’ve brought myself to do that?! I’ve always had the opportunity. It’s no big deal to drive myself 2 miles over to the nearest Adoration chapel. But I never did because I’ve just been so mad, so confused, so unsure if I could trust Him anymore because of all I’ve been through in the last year and a half. But for the first time in a long time, probably like even before I left Michigan, I prayed a prayer of surrender. I don't remember if I actually said the words “I surrender,” but for the first time in months I fell to my knees, and I just cried in surrender. I cried all my hopelessness, all my helplessness to the Lord. I finally cried out to Him and begged, “I have no idea how to do this.” Because I finally let it hit me - this is my new reality.

People have been saying that around me all this time, and it’s crossed my mind quite a few times as well, but it’s never really hit me. This is my new reality. 1) Bipolar. This is real. My depression can be triggered but also can my hypomania, and I’m gonna have to start being conscious of that. I’m gonna have to start really thinking of my actions and their consequences. I’m gonna have to learn the balance between truly embracing life and taking advantage of all this time to make memories with loved ones, and strictly living a reckless yolo life, where I say whatever I wanna say, do whatever I wanna do without considering anyone else around me, living selfishly for myself. I’m gonna have to watch how I put my worth in my work, in the fruits of my labor, in the impressions I leave on people. Because it’s all of those things that can cause my downfall once again into a pit of depression. I’m gonna have to watch my overzealous, motivated days because those can turn into deep, dark, self loathing days. My bipolar is real, and it’s time I start really taking care of it. 2) Lupus. This is real. If I don't take my medicine, my body will start attacking itself again, and I’ll be right back in the hospital practically dying. If I do take my medicine, it’s going to suppress my immune system which makes me vulnerable to any kind of simple and complex illness. That means even a common cold, a regular cough, feeling a little tired, headaches, all of that is not to be taken lightly. If I’m feeling the slightest bit sick, if I’m feeling the slightest bit weak I need to rest because it can get worse. Just like anyone else, if you’re sick and you don't rest, it’ll only get worse. But it’s even more important for me because I basically don't have an immune system which means anything can take me down. My new reality is that I need to start doing what I can to live a healthy life. My new reality is that I need to understand that I simply do not have the same strength that I used to have. My new reality is that I’m sick. And no, that doesn't need to define me. I don't need to be stuck in bed paranoid of falling to pieces again. But I do need to consider my new limitations. My new reality is that I need to be ok with taking things slow. I need to be ok with saying no to things. Saying no to things I wish I could commit to, no to things I wish I could help out with, no to events I wish I could attend, no to trips I wish I could go on. My new reality is I need to be ok with regular doctors appointments, with these people knowing every part of my business, asking all kinds of questions because it’s these questions and my honest answers that’ll keep my healthy. My new reality is that I’m sick.

But what hit me the most with being with our Lady and our Lord in the Blessed Sacrament is that yes, I’m sick, but that’s also not the end. For the first time, I realized the reality of my situation. I saw the severity of it. And I saw how scared I actually am. Scared to change my life around. Scared to redefine my limitations and who I am and what I’m capable of. Scared of letting go of who I think I’m supposed to be. But what struck me was not only the reality of my situation, but the truth that God still has something great in store for me. That this truly is not the end. That He has something good to come from even this, the most shittiest experience of my life, my whole world turned completely upside down. That even this, He is completely aware of and He knows what He's doing. That even this, He has a way. He has a way for me to get through this. And He has a way for me to come out even better at the end of this. That even with this, He has a great plan. That even with this, He's there with me. It may not feel good and I may not understand it, but who said I have to? Who said it was gonna feel good? And who said I have to understand it every step of the way? That’s what I kept thinking of.

I kept thinking of talking to Ate J about all this and asking, “I just don't understand why He would put me through this.” and Ate would say, “but does it matter?” At the beginning of the retreat, all I could think was I need to ask Ate or a priest or a sister or just someone holy, “have you ever been mad at God? and how do you move on from it? how do you push forward? how do you trust again?” And I was so stuck on that. I was getting ready to figure out how I was gonna get a priest or sister to talk to me that day or how I was gonna word my text to Ate. But then the priest gave his talk and all he had to say was “offer it up.” That term has become so cliche to anyone who spent their four years of college at Franciscan. It was totally overused and after my time there I basically dropped it because it started to lose meaning. And then when the real suffering started to hit, and I would think of that, but I would push it away even further in anger like “fuck that, I’ve bore my cross, it’s time for me to reap the fruits of my labor.” But that’s what it came down to that day. That yeah I’m suffering, yeah this is my reality. And maybe there’s no immediate or obvious reason for it, but who cares; I need to offer it up.

...Cause that’s what I was thinking. All my suffering in the past seemed to be caused by something. Suffering in school was because I procrastinated or I didn't understand my professor. Suffering in prayer was because I was looking for feelings or becoming complacent. Suffering with the Lord was because I stopped praying and got prideful. Suffering with depression was because I had wounds I didn't want to acknowledge. All my suffering seemed to have a reason, so it was somehow more bearable. But this suffering just seemed so pointless. Why, after suffering all that crap with my mental illness, fighting hard against suicidal thoughts and desires, fighting through my days of endless therapy in the hospital, why after all that, after giving up my life in Michigan that I loved so much, why after all that I still had to suffer this most random physical illness that I have completely no control over. This suffering just seemed to come out of no where. And it didn't just stop with the illness, it came with so many following consequences. This illness kept me from religious life. This illness kept me from jobs. This illness kept me from going out, from going on trips, from going on hikes. This illness seemed to take everything away from me, and I just couldn't see why. Even on a medical or scientific level, there’s literally no reason for me to have this. There is no defined cause; there are things that may lead to a trigger, but there is nothing you can absolutely point to and say this is why you have this. And even more, there is no foreseeable cure. So not only is there literally no reason for my suffering, there appears to be no end in sight. And so my biggest question through all this has been, why? Why after all the suffering I’ve already been through? And why this particular suffering that is effecting all parts of my life and is changing every plan I ever had set for me? But what came to me that Sunday is, “does it matter?”

The fact is, this is my reality. But it’s not just my reality. This is my cross. This has been specifically given to me by our Lord. He knows what he's doing. And if I heard that maybe a month ago, that would’ve made me even more upset because it’s like, if He knows, then why would He choose for me to suffer like this, if He loves me so much, if He's true to His promises, if he's so faithful and so loving, why would He knowingly bear this load on me? How is that love? But for some reason hearing it this time, actually by grace alone, by the intercession of grace by our Lady, hearing that our Lord knows what He's doing, that He is very aware of my suffering, very aware of the heaviness of it all, of how it’s completely crushing me, hearing that He is right there with me was the most comforting thing. Because I think that was the most frustrating part of it all. That yeah I’m suffering. But I’ve suffered before. The difference this time was that it felt like God was opposed to me. Like He was causing the suffering because He simply hated me, because He was simply tired of me and just wanted to see me suffer, wanted to see me hurt. But knowing that He’s in control of all this made me feel assured that “ok good, if His hand is in all this, then I know i won’t be crushed because i know He would never do that to me.” It was just finally assuring that I wasn't alone. That He wasn't opposing me, but that He is in fact on my side. And whether I ever find the reason or not for all my suffering, the fact of the matter is that this is my cross, and like it or not, I need to come to accept it, embrace it, and simply offer it up. Do it for the salvation of souls. Do it for the reparation of my own soul. Do it for the glory of God because He suffered first, and this is my part in His cross. Thinking of my suffering as a cross versus a punishment just makes a world of a difference. Because a punishment feels isolating and never-ending. But the Cross, I know, has an end, and it’s redemptive, and it leads to greater life for myself and for all those around me.

“Above all, trust in the slow work of God.” — This Sunday, Our Lady of Fatima made me see that our Lord is at work in my life. That He’s right there with me. That she's right there with me. And that it may be slow, this suffering may be long, but there will be something good at the end. There will be life. There will be more. She made me realize that yeah this sucks and everything is changing and everything is out of my hands (which I hate!) but everything is also good because it’s all orchestrated by God. So no matter the reason and how long it takes, I feel like I’ve been assured that the good is still yet to come, and that’s a promise.

But i’m just amazed that Christ would love me enough to seek me out like that. it was literally to Jesus through Mary. Because I honestly wasn't even thinking of Him. That’s probably why Adoration never even crossed my mind. Cause I was literally just thinking of our Lady, and if there’s anyone that could help me, it would be her. So I came desperate to be close to her, desperate for her to hold me and console me and show me a way back to Him. I came for her, but I found Him. She literally led me straight to Him. My time there that Sunday was barely even about the statue; it was about our Lord being present, exposed in the Blessed Sacrament. Amazing. Talagang to Jesus through Mary. I’ve never seen it so real before. So thank You, Lord, for doing what You can to bring me back to You. For using who You needed to use to bring me back to You. For giving me time with You. You totally set me up, and I’m just amazed that You would do that. After all my anger, all my cussing You out, all my avoiding You, all my pride, Lord after all I’ve put You through, all the ways I tried to run away, You still came running back for me. You still never gave up on me. And I just can’t believe it.

Anyways, thank you all for your prayers. Thank you for reading this, haha. All glory to God through Mary! Praise Him!

0 notes