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paraclete0407 · 3 years

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Going to give away all my story-ideas a la George Johnston’s ‘The Fire Sale’ since I feel as if Lucifer has been unleashed against me for the destruction of my flesh that I might learn not to blaspheme -

‘The Winners 2012′

With the prototype of my ‘Three Kings’ ultimate self-idea-hero, the Vice Principal or Ass’t Headmaster forced to play basketball, also something about a novel about violoncello and female self-satisfaction, inner life or pseudo-inner-life and my attack on Harvard people for their emetic unending self-celebration, which turned out to be a sort of Kim Jong Il three-day massacre-banquet + they really have a huge problem with alcohol, rape, at the same time they were right IMHO to be eating blueberries and protein-goop and so on sleeping 2hrs a night. Princeton students doing math in lucid dreams. I too would have but in retrospect I literally methinks I deduce that my bio-parents and Waqas my Paki roommate were trying to give me heart-failure in the cause of sociohistorical justice and/or ‘family tree’ hyper-narcissism. I was watching ‘Reply 1997′ and that song ‘Confession’ but I thought ‘I am gonna one day hang out with my friend again and drive through the NJ woods and it’ll all be alright b/c they are gonna have theirs and I am gonna have mine and in the end they will still be able to follow my lead and feel I was worthwhile.’ ‘Headmaster’s Wife’ something something Robert James Waller bidding for continued relevance after ‘Madison County’ but even in 2012 I just honestly wasn’t that fascinated with women or their hobbies at all. I like the Korean poem that says to look at your spouse’s brow, check homework, share food. Everyone wants a room of their own in which to produce bad art, get worse as a person, do that which others could do better. USFK bases are like huge campuses with super-nice beds and the soldiers all appear to need like 5,000 KCAL per diem or they’ll pass out. I had been in the habit of sleeping bolt-straight till I got here and liquified my form. ‘Winners’ got totally out of hand where the Ass’t Headmaster started cruising around looking for anyone and everyone to talk to and never got what he was up to - never ever ever realized that he could minimize his life and walk away, that he was manager-material at Cryan’s Irish Pub or sth, that the principal really might retire one day or just let him step up, if he didn’t keep trying to ‘discharge responsiblities’ or lay the ground for some super-daughter-figure to fulfill the mission that he had been waiting to incipit; and too, he was sort of a priest to begin with and avoided his vocation for years and decades for reasons unknown. My ex-friend from Harvard bragged about staying up for 36hrs doing something and there was President Obama saying ‘Heyyy Harvard Columbia but I also like flip-flops, chips, Occidental, jackass, fag.’ Obama had such an uneven series of statements. I used to blow up on the radio like 1000000% affirmative action; Thomas Sowell is 10000% right that the Ivies were disillusioning and damaging generation of Blacks who couldn’t read fast enough - therefore, better to go back to K-12 / HS and try to give younger people a general preparedness so that they wouldn’t leave it to mercenary oft CCP-seduced (Vogel) and it turns out oft pedophilic prof’s (Alexander Theroux is in the habit of calling Dershowitz ‘dirt’ though I actually agree with him about a lot and hope that he is still in favor of rule of law at this bizarre hour) to form or confer their identity and bequeath their sense of mission in life...

‘Thanksgiving Day’

Possibly my ‘most characteristic novel’ that predicted me never being understood or read with my own grain at all though it contained terrorist threats basically. Of all Korean pop-music with its numerous melismas in a way he most ‘abject’ was Sunny’s song from ‘Story of Wine,’ ‘Finally Now’ which made me realize actually I was gonna get cut up at all the dinner-parties, all my understandings would be met with anti-understandings, everything I simplified would be complicated, whether I throw rock paper or scissor all my ex-friends from Gov School are throwing CCP massive retaliation deepfake AI bury-the-scholar-alive fireballs. So they drove to the South Mountain Res where the homosexual pederasts are acting pedagogical and ‘adoptive’ and they are sitting there like, ‘Well soon it will be deer-hunting season + Chris Christie was saying how teachers like to make kids’ faces light up + give them indelible memories but under all his generosity of acknowledgment / crediting all the while CC was also saying / dogwhistling / inciting if not demanding or ordering, “Eat the poor,”which Obama was also arguably saying.’

I still like Sunny or did like 18 months ago - Tizzard and friends are mad at Cho Kuk; I tried to defend the governing class though this actually clashed with my own belief in people that came from dirt being best qualified as long as they don’t turn utterly prideful; and I’m a monarchist megalomaniac b/c I thought of Kissinger saying, ‘The illegal we do immediately the unconstitutional takes a while’ which I did not eve n intend to mean ‘Milwaukee antinomianism misrule carnivalesque total inversion of values’ and IZ*ONE were ‘rigged’ (destined), ‘Sunkyu’ is a good safe name that I know of and at the end she is like, ‘He is a loser; I am going back to the party anyway; he belongs in a Cistercian monastery or somewhere; it is not wrong to have monks and nuns and celibate married couples and/or those who wat a long time after marriage to have a child...’

‘Everything’ (Everything 2015 / Everything 2021)

Words never said, ‘I’m everything’ - therefore how can you not play my games and _ _ _. This was such an abject apprehension(?) in my own life; I had an ideal solution to the problem and in those days I actually had no acute anxiety nor did I feel this distance(d) awe from anybody but only a low-level thrumming or basso continuou worry or ‘meditation’ (Purpose-Driven Life). I guess now if someone isn’t asking a clear question it might be beside the point to imagine it’s worthwhile to answer and if somebody proffers you a certainty in any part of speech it is best it is best just to respond or non-respond without ay semblance of personality; deflection; without wanting to add anything or change anyone’s mind b/c in the end they who open their wings prematurely will get shot down all the more; and will also become their own worst enemies at times due to the conceits of ‘my nobility; fallen flower; I was Elect; I was anointed [sth. from ‘Sentimental Education’ abt women’s hearts]’

When I was 15 I started thinking a lot about reality and who is real to whom; my favorite piano-piece though in retrospect I might’ve ust listened to it then moved on with better things was Frederic Chopin’s ‘Berceuse’ op. 57 a.k.a. ‘Lullaby’ though originally it was simply ‘Variations.’ Simple left hand, very testing right hand. Michelangeli made a version in which nothing was thrown away or left to chance and a lot of pianists add a deep D-flat to the last chord which I disagreeith b/c the whole point of not using that is taht in the end it’s not a big deal. Best is Kempff 1946 because it’s utterly affectionate, fatherly, almost forgetful. I had once regarded this version or ‘rendering’ as being Kempff’s message to post-Nazi Germany saying, ‘Dream a new dream for a while.’ His left hand is spelling and his right hand is tracing. I used to make up words for this piece ‘I’m real God can’t you see / to break your shield’ but that was with a different count or tempo than the actual notation. Also, the version I heard first was Idil Biret or someone and they made the left hand cycle or reciprocate with a false completeness like an underlying clock when the essence of the ‘Berceuse’ is that the inner voices form a tolling or droning. I years later turned to the even more violent psychopathic Chopin that gave me hand-tremors and I think it is very bad for humans of which the apex was the last page or so of Nocturne 55-2 which is basically heart-explosion into embers. After going to KR I never wanted to touch a piano again except for anything related to Kempff and would walk around Lake Park, Wahl Street, considering Russia, simplicity, ‘c/Chimes.’ Didn’t then realize George Frost Kennan grew up around there and was considering Russia his whole life. I saw ‘Cat Street’ and was put in mind of a Singaporean market or square where they let songbirds talk to each other but it’s ancient history now. Maybe in future no one will care about cats, birds - I don’t really except I grew up in white trash degenerate Mass. where they burned frogs for fun (I was like 3) and put skull-flag all over their rooms. I oppose Mao sparrow-genocide, am fond of dandelions and the Ku Sang poem about dandelions from ‘Infant Splendor.’ However my generation and the people of that time were arguably over-equipped and in one way over-covered in another under-covered.

Voice in my head saying ‘They want Maoism man.’ But I really did believe in those days that others’ futures were like my own past and I perhaps overestiated my own chance of any future understanding, ‘trust-ness,’ and, either stable interiority or cognizable reliable plain-as-day face-to-face exteriority.

I also read Somerset Maugham’s critiques of ‘the Russian sense of humor’ which I approved of and my mom recently dreamed of the cat running out with his tail burnt.

There are perhaps only so many possible variations or stories and ‘today’s character’ is a real human being in the present moment and placement not just your favorite actress or whatever or whomever that would follow you to the ends of the Earth. I have almost no idea right now whether others want what I want or not; I had fantasized about writing speeches and always taking my family with me on the campaign-airplane which in retrospect is not perforce responsible and might’ve been mental Bidenism. I had only felt that it would or could be good for people in the future / future Man to be aware of one another’s burdens like let your son or daughter know when you’re working really hard instead of playing / representing Santa Dad when you’re really storing up UncleHammer and CrushFather vengeance, whether motivated by presumption and reactionary atavism or by the Will of God in the case of Mr. David James Johnston must be pulverized in to ‘coulisse bright dark tragic chiaroscuro’...In ‘Coming Home Again’ Changrae Lee’s mom was telling him how hard his psychiatric dad worked in graduate school and that is something I believe kids should know but there again what if immgrant young people really do grow up or ‘come up’ with this ‘Minima Moralia’ (Adorno cf. Vatican Censoriate) sense that ‘wrong life cannot be rightly lived,’ a horrific desolate phrase, that existence is a ‘battle life’ and that evth we do right today is a down-payment on wrong tomorrow.

In the ‘diaspora(?)’ of Evangelical Christianity following the passing away of a very famous and beautifully simply and consistent apologist Ravi Zacharias there was a cataclysmic revelation concerning his treatment of masseuses, first in terms of sexual harrassment and later unless it is all ‘fake news’ the discovery of a trove of actual records of abuse. I‘m Reddit ButBothSides relativism but it really almost feels as if there had been the mentality of a ‘treasury of merit’ but I don’t even want to say anything like that. Strange keepsakes! I feel as though ‘everybody deserves to know’ I am pretty certain I could be indicted for sexual harrassment in the Republic of Korea from a specific instant I recall very vividly + it might be good to do so in view of the current society’s determination to stop driving women toward suicide but IDK whether I ough to say that to anyone in Milwaukee b/c around here they’re racists and polyamorists and it’s more CCP paleo-peudo-Confucian mistress-culture where my dad is checking out my girlfriends and orgy and procurement are considered acts of unconditional love(?). Many years ago I looked at the Joongang Daily and say a ‘diptych’ of ‘T-ARA to release new song in November’ and ‘Uhm Taewoong arraigned for solicitation in [’my last stop’]’ + I adored TIAMO but it made me sad that the yougest member of this group was posing ith little girls all carring playing cards b/c it was lke a Chaim Potok novel that said mutatis mutandis ‘child-rearing is all gambling’ which goes against my sense of what is possible and even practical with a proper chain of care and ‘absolute ownership.’ And there I had been eager to join in the American Families Plan but then it really is still public schools where (Chesterton), ‘ The whole modern world has divided itself into Conservatives and Progressives. The business of Progressives is to go on making mistakes. The business of Conservatives is to prevent mistakes from being corrected.’ Professionalism, fair compensation, training, re-training, good data, involving parents. I am just sad b/c I realized I don’t really get how good or bad the SoE’s are anymore but the costs of Chromebooks and such are immense and I’m almost 100% certain the kids still have noisy homes, no good desks, + many of the staff are single moms nursing etc. + teacher-tenure and ‘middle class wages’ IMHO have been drawing mercenary self-righteous ideologue-automoton mental Boomers for decades and they still don’t get it but I’m super-sad b/c I just have no way I know of finding out!

I like talking to psychiatrists b/c they get stuff about autism as well as in some cases literal demons and matters such as handwriting, Arabic script going ‘backwards,’ but in the end they too appear committed to doing whatever the current overlord(s) of the world order are going to do. At the mental hospital they’re writing stuff like ‘schiz- ____’ nd saying ‘sign I’ll date’ and when I say ‘that’s an official document’ the union pozzers around here are like ‘it’s my document’ like Hell it is. You’re on strike against truth and morality and that’s no joke! You better give me heart-failure tonight or I will eventually bring a suit against your ‘whole host’ but that itself is beside the point because of Delta and drones and the fact that this is a revelating(?) era and a literal Judgment of God, which I had been hoping to weather and eventually execute my long-incubating intention but I truly am concerned what could present roll over and through this city.

This spectre or menace of a saturating, superceding, overriding ‘raison d’etat’ in the earthly world order soon to come and everything going to be unsealed anyway so that your private life is really just ‘a paper heart merit-badge that says “private life” on it’ and in future even a confirmation of something or someone is not really a confirmation. Puts in mind of the MLG song ‘Kiss Me’ about ego and commitment and the valences and intersections(?) of different potential promises or forecasts. My old friend Miles used to write about kissing a lot and I had reflections about kissing and such matters but IDK now if he’s a cultural Maoist advocating to defund the LAPD or he just ‘keeps his virtue to himself’ and feeds trash the ‘Arab Street’ about not protecting weak people from criminals.

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cindyburman · 4 years

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20 questions

tagged by @gertstarlight

1. what do you prefer to be called name wise? delaney

2. when’s your birthday? july 12 (which is also julius caesar’s birthday!!! give it up for the dictators who r gonna be killed by their friends 🤩)

3. where do you live? illinois 😌 (the packers suck)

4. three things you’re doing rn? uhhh right now i’m eating lunch, answering this, and thinking abt how i should be doing my hw but i’m not 🥴

5. four fandoms that piqued your interest? stargirl, riverdale, tbh, and lot

6. how has the pandemic been treating you? ugh it’s just boring and i miss my friends :( other than that everything’s been p chill

7. a song you can’t stop listening to right now? last night i couldn’t get “all star” by smash mouth out of my head but now i wanna listen to “supercut” by lorde on repeat so we’ll see how that goes for my mental health 😌✌️

8. recommend a movie? i haven’t seen a movie in forever bc i have zero attention span...... ig if u binged all of tbh it could b like a rlly long movie or smth?? (which i would recommend bc i am forcing everyone ik to watch it 😀)

9. how old are you? 16

10. school, university, occupation and other? i’m in hs and i have no job bc school and covid

11. do you prefer heat or cold? heat..... but maybe i’m biased bc i’m freezing rn

12. name one fact that others may not know abt you: when i was younger i knew the gist of goldilocks so i recited the story to my family the best i remembered it while pretending that i was reading out of the book lol

13. are u shy? yeah at first but when i get to know ppl/i’m around my friends i’m obnoxious as hell

14. preferred pronouns: she/her

15. biggest pet peeves? when ppl find out that i have arachnophobia and then feel the need to like “cure” me of it or some shit by forcing me to be around spiders???, ppl who pronounce “tour” like “too-ur” instead of “tore”, ppl who pronounce/spell my name wrong on purpose, honestly there r probably so many more but i can’t remember any

16. what’s ur favourite ‘dere’ type? idk what this is and i will not b looking it up

17. rate ur life from 1 to 10. 1 being crappy and 10 being the best it could be: hmm.... 6.5

18. what’s ur main blog? @boldbisexual

19. list ur blogs and their purposes: this one is my stargirl one, @incorrectchoniberonicaswangs is my riverdale one, @stevenswesley is my tbh one, @lotsofgays is my lot one, @ambrosespellpan is my caos one, @hournitenation is the hournite discord out of context one

20. is there something ppl need to know abt u before becoming friends? hmmm..... well i mean i do call my friends hoes a lot (in a loving way i swear), if i’m bored i WILL start fights just to spice things up, and i feel uncomfortable talking abt my actual problems unless i can mask my feelings abt them w humor 🤪

#no i'm not tagging ppl and u can't make me #tag games

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fbdo-ohyeaaaaah · 4 years

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also!! 7, 13, and 14! i’d especially love to know ur music thoughts abt them !!

thank you so much!! sorry this took so long. good questions bare with me though it might get kinda long

7) here’s some headcanons ive thought of: the ot3 start their relationship like a few days after the movie. ferris has talked to each member of the breakfast club at least once (it’s canon that they go to the same hs). jeanie is the only one who knows and found out about the ot3, which ferris was worried about until jeanie revealed she’s cool with it and also bi, though she was really smug about worrying ferris for once. ferris sings and hums every day, especially romantic stuff to cam and sloane whenever he can. as much as the ot3 like to go on adventures they also have the more mellow days where they lay around talking about life and asking each other random questions. in the summer before cameron and ferris go to college, the ot3 have many movie nights at either sloane or ferris’ houses which turn into sleepovers when they fall asleep in front of the screen and then group breakfasts when morning comes around. ferris’ senior prank included making a giant “big brother is watching” poster with rooney’s face on it which was notoriously hard to get off the wall. cameron was being pressured by his parents to go to a prestigious out of state college before the movie, but after the movie when cameron's more confident he realizes he doesn’t really care which college he goes to and just opts to go where ferris is going, and sloane follows them there a year later. the ot3′s one of those relationships where they like to put on music and dance with each other often. cameron plays hockey in college, sloane and ferris are always there to cheer him on at every game, they’re the wildest ones in the crowd which cameron both appreciates and is embarrassed by. sloane’s big on the grabbing-your-face-before-kissing-you move which ferris and cameron love. jeanie and sloane end up getting summer jobs at the same roller rink and though they liked each other before that’s when they really bond and their friendship grows stronger. jeanie keeps brass knuckles in her purse (100% canon i dont know what else to say). im sure i have more headcanons in my head but atm this is all i can come up with. i’ll post more on my blog if i think up some more though!

13) i associate this movie with good symbolic cinematography that serves a purpose to the story and characters, well-written teenage angst, well-written and lovable teenage characters in general, charming and funny dialogue, witty and quotable one-liners, breaking the fourth wall, imo one of the most intense and well-acted scenes in cinema (cameron’s monologue/the ferrari crashing), having fun road trips with a good group of friends, the exhilaration of seeing a city’s sights, being a gay, anxious and emotionally repressed teenager (mostly cameron frye here), the joys of layered clothing, fun 80s music, camping trip memories (for me personally i’ll post about that sometime), the “carpe diem” ideology, polyamory, bisexuality, and the monotony sometimes inherent in high school.

14) alright im not too good at relating characters to songs like you are, but i’ll try my best! im sure ive said this before but Everybody Wants to Rule the World is inherently a ferris song, down to the lyrics, style of music and the title. And Then He Kissed Me has big sloane vibes and also could be read as the start of her and ferris’ relationship! I’m So Tired by the beatles reminds me of cameron because of the depression and hopeless pining elements (minus the drinking and smoking references of course). Just a Girl by No Doubt is a jeanie song because of the feministy badass girl style it has and also that it sort of relates to jeanie being frustrated over feeling like she’s treated as less than.

well that was really fun! again thank you for the asks!

#asks #my post #fbdo #ferris buellers day off #ferris bueller's day off #cameron frye #sloane peterson #ferris bueller #jeanie bueller #ot3

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stormbrvkers-archived · 4 years

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the 20 Questions of Positivity

or lack thereof anyway~ got tagged by @bisexualthors (thanks naomi!!) to do dis, and i’m tagging @himboshapt, @nadjas, @damerondjarin, @inthorantine, and @caracynthiadune. no pressure ofc and enjoy! 1. name (4) fictional characters who showcase your personality the best; explanations are optional - (1) rosa diaz (b99); she channels my inner edge lord/ (2) toph beifong (atla); she could step on me for all intents and purposes but her sass is a total mood/ (3) san (princess mononoke); she runs with wolves, literally, the lifelong fantasy i’ve had since i was four/ (4) tsume (wolf’s rain); he’s got trust issues out the wazoo but he’s got a heart of gold underneath, also totally relatable to me now than when i was younger sdfkljds 2. aesthetic - the smell of fresh cut grass while there’s a cool breeze on a sunny day 3. favorite musical/ play - .. can i say Shakespeare’s Midsummer Night’s Dream even though i’ve never seen a live performance? 4. what is the best compliment you’ve ever gotten? - that i look like my mom. it’s great when people i barely know but knew my mom say that, but it weirds me out for a sec when i see it in the mirror 5. how many times have you been in love? - im a libra how dare u twice, i think. 6. embarrassing story or fact abt yourself that makes you laugh now? - can’t think of one atm sorry 7. favorite disney/pixar movie? - ogod how dare u make me choose zootopia or brave 8. favorite flower or plant? - succulents (i have 2 right now that are on my mobile bg, named Merry and Pippin)! also wildflowers, and water lilies 9. what’s your favorite holiday? - halloween!! and christmas bcos i love winter and or winter clothes lol 10. name (3) things that made you laugh or smile this last week - (1) my dog woofing in her sleep, (2) finishing my Wolf’s Rain fic, (3) picking fresh fruit bcos it’s hot as hell here in the great country of TX and fruit is a must slkfjwd 11. what song would you play to introduce yourself to someone? - oh god that’s a thing..? “killer queen” by Queen, or “the Chain” by Fleetwood Mac 12. name something that truly makes you feel peaceful even at your most stressed moments - watching videos of one of my favorite comedians on Youtube 13. what do/ did/ would you study at college? - i Was aiming to get an associates in Graphic Design and, briefly, i considered changing it to Illustration but i got lazy and saw the measure of a hassle it would’ve been to change my major so i was like Eh this works 14. (kinda) weird question! which outfit of yours makes you feel most like yourself? - a black hand-me-down tank and my blue Garfield pj pants, most at ease especially since i’m at home all the time (covid horseshit aside) 15. what is a quote you live by? - i don’t really live by (1) quote bcos i like a lot of quotes, but there’s one that shakespeare said, ‘Though she be but little, she is fierce’. mood 16. name the funniest playlist title you have - sldkfjwe welp i don’t rly have that problem bcos, meticulous as i am with playlist titles, i haven’t had the pleasure lol 17. make a reference to an inside joke you have with someone you love with zero context - HARBULARY (sdlfkjwelf) 18. what is a message you would give your younger self if given the chance? - fuck what people may think or say; be a better friend to your gal pals; ask Josh out in hs; appreciate mom more.. also dump whats-his-face asap bc hes a limp-noodle toolbag 19. who is your favorite family member (if your blood relatives suck then mention some1 from your found family)? - (1) my mom was amazing, total saint. (2) my dad’s pretty cool too, i get a lot of my mannerisms from him lol. (3) my grandpa (on my dad’s side) is like my dad lol but he’s always been my fave between he and my grandma as long as i can remember 20. what’s a secret dream of yours? - to make my own graphic novel someday? that’s all i can think of off the top of my head tbh

#bisexualthors #tagged #silver lining is i got to test out my new keyboard cover with this one sdlkfjwel #long post

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kalabiz · 4 years

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with september so close. i feel. incredibly mad at myself. i spent the four months after trying so hard to just . remember. to fit things for myself. ive had to be quiet for so long. in the beginning i didnt know what questions to ask and so many people just didnt know what they should tell me. and once i started getting a better grip on the life i have. asking thise questions was just embarrassing? and mami and everyone just acts like nothing happened. we dont fucking talk about it or mention it. and with ash and ari and dani and destiny. its just not the same thing anymore. theres so many things ive pieced together that they just refuse to talk abt and say its in the past. well how can it be in the past if i dont even know about it? and its so upsetting to think about donovan and how he just couldnt handle what happened and now we’re just distant friends. like ill see u on instagram or send u a buzzfeed link once a month friends when it used to be me and him, two peas in a pod. and justin. im so good with justin now. how out of all people is justin now my best friend. i love him so much, but he just doesnt know everything. and i wont wven think about online because thats so upsetting. all the friends i have right now are people i just met or my friends from hs or njit. and thats just a shallow cersion if whsts happening with me.

the worst thing was being off tc and add in order to help my brain get to a neutral place gearing up for surgery once we saw that i had the benign tumor. like those were such bad emotional months. i know right now infeel crazy but ive never felt more displaced from my body. the one thing i am incrediblt grateful for is mami agreeing that i needed therapy after that psychiatrist recc’d it. like dr. lasater genuinely helped me sort out so much and my progress ti getting a tangible hold on my life would not have been in any way as good as it went. the days after the hospital. i wss so anxious to get a grip on my life to force myself to ease back into the person i was in september. isnt that fucking weird? i came back online and fought so hard with mami to just let me dtay at the dorms and stsrt the semester instead of delaying a semester or a year. who even does that. and i fought so hard to like the things i did. i like kpop and that stuff now. but in the beginning it was me just forcing myself to watch videos and learn in order to try to jog something in me.

and september and october i tried my best to text people and find out wjere i stood with them. for the leos and everyone back home i think we’re lnly ok now just because we didnt have to see eaxhother every day bc we all started uni and calls once a week was Enough. we didnt have a chance for it to get awkward and heavy. and honestly being friwnds with justin and kris made this so much easier. especially with meeting mo and the rest of njit crew. and then november hit and thats when it was like Woah its serious now . and i was scared of dying because my brain hurt so much and i was. so . empty and i stopped texting people and i decided ok im not gonna try like i was vefore what happens happens. and i just. i dont even think anyone from njcu or the frienfs ive made rn at uni know abt my health problems or the redacted. only my roomates because we had to sign the thingy saying they were aware or whatever. like its just not important anymore and its embarrassing. ive spent so many years hiding and keeping my tc seizures as lowkey as possible from pillow crew besides ashley. like redacred? not that big of a thing to hide. and how embarrasing is it to admit that it happened because u overdosed and ur body was alresdy in over drive and u dont even know Why you were suicidal. humiliatioooon my looove iand when december christmas thing happened and i had the seizure. that was terrifying because it was only three weeks until surgery and it felt like a nail in tbe coffin?

but its whatever now. ill never get those yesrs back and sometimes i still get scared when im trying to olace a memory or trying ti tell a story and its just blank. but its something . it feels okay now. and left hand tremor is always gonna be something u have to deal w bc of the surgery but at leadt i dont hesr those stupid fucking wind chimes anymore.

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personshapedsplder · 5 years

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How did u discover you were aroace? Have you ever been in a relationship/would you ever? Like how do you feel about it all? (I don’t mean that in a “did you ever TRY dating” type way btw it’s a genuine q bc my friend is ace and she’s dated a lot and is currently dating someone and I’m trying to like figure out my own sexuality bc I don’t know myself but I don’t feel “normal” :/ and you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, I hope this ask doesn’t make you uncomfortable!) -M

hi M!

so the way i realized i was aroace is sort of unusual. id heard abt asexuality and aromanticism in high school and it sort of seemed familiar to me, but i refused to let myself rly consider it? so for years and years and years, i told myself i was straight bc i just couldn’t handle letting myself realize that i was queer. it was too painful to think abt. but then, when i was around 21, i was talking abt relationships with a friend, trying to give her advice, and it was just so hard for me to understand what she was going through and i finally just made this offhand joke like ‘im sorry i cant help you much im like practically aromantic LOL’ and i expected her to be like ‘oh haha yeah arent we all!!’ or something LOL but my friend was like :o what rly??? and then i realized. it hit me like a ton of BRICKS like i literally had to sit down where i stood because it shook me so hard. like, i sort of just realized that i WAS different from my friend and that i finally had to actually face this, i had to accept it. and it was super super painful for me but i was finally able to come to terms and learn to love myself how i am!

ik this is an unusual story most people it seems spend a long time thinking abt it and being uncertain and kind of shakily coming to terms slowly, but me, i sort of knew for a long time and forced myself to ignore it and then it sort of all blew up in my face LOL so your story might be different from mine but thats ok!!

so i HAVE been in a relationship. I dated a guy rly long distance all through high school and my first year of college. It was a really, really weird experience for me LOL. we’d met in real life once and became friends and i thought because i had something of a “friend crush” on him at the time that that meant I was in love with him. spoiler alert, i was not LOL so it was rly convenient for my denial through hs bc i could say ‘oh im not attracted to anyone bc i have a BOYFRIEND’ LOL but i never had to see him or touch him or barely even talk to him bc he lived so far away and that’s the only reason it lasted so long at all. our relationship, from my end at least, was the emptiest relationship of my life. we were barely even friends, but he would keep sending me all this gushy stuff and it would make me uncomfortable, but i thought i was just shy. it was like i couldn’t connect with him, he was on some sort of other planet and i think part of that was bc he was trying to connect w me on a romantic level and i just couldn’t do that. eventually, i dumped him when I was like, 19 or so, bc i couldn’t stand it anymore. i dont think i would ever be in another romantic relationship ever. i would consider a QPR maybe, but it’s also not something im looking for rn. ive sort of decided that my life will be partner-less but thats ok bc i have so many beautiful friends who i love! i dont feel the need to have an official partner. lots of asexuals and aromantics do, like your friend, and they’re totally cool and rad and valid, that’s just not me is all!

HOWEVER all that being said, my experiences are just my experiences!! Every asexual and aromantic has a different life! also, of course, i can’t fit all my experiences and thoughts abt being aroace into just one ask bc my experiences are my whole entire life, being aroace is a huge part of how ive identified w the world around me ever since i was born. that being said, there’s so much more i could share that might be helpful to you. if you have any more questions, or want me to clarify something, pls send me more asks! or even DM me!! id love to tell you more and answer your questions!

if you wanted advice abt figuring out your sexuality, i’d say just follow your gut. if you get the feeling you’re asexual or aromantic or some part of you relates to that, even if you’re not 100% certain, follow your gut!! it’s probably right! i spent a long time trying to figure out i was nb too, and it might have been a shorter journey for me if id been ok w just following my intuition.

i hope i helped any!! send me more questions if theres anything else i can do at all or if youd like me to clarify abt something!!

#Anonymous

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transbcyfriend · 6 years

Note

For the homestuck asky, EVERY question 🔫

CARL I OWE U MY MCFUCKIN LIFE

1. Do you have a chum handle? What does it mean?

i don’t! i mean i used to have pesterchum installed on my computer when i was like, 13, but i don’t remember SHIT of what it was. probably something embarrassing.

2. Is your username homestuck related/have you had one hs related?

my current one isn’t, but i used to have one w/ dirk in the title

3. Do you call your s/o a matesprit?

i … i haven’t heard of anyone doing this since middle school. nah

4. Do you call your best friend your moirail?

see answer to 3

5. Are you “kin” with any characters or commonly called a character?

answered!

6. God Tier?

knight of heart!

7. Do you make HS fanart?

i haven’t in a rlly long time, but i rlly want to! i’m thinking i’ll end up doing some soon for a late 4/13 pic

8. Do you make hs fanfiction?

don’t remind me i was just a kid

9. Do you roleplay homestuck? where and how often?

i used to! i rlly wanna do it again, but everyone i know who wants to rp hs just wanna do it for the smut :/

if i could get an rp partner who just wanted to for fun tho, i’d b down to try my hand at it again!

10. Do you cosplay homestuck characters? Who and where?

GOD DON’T REMIND ME

when i was but a wee lad i cosplayed as dave bc he was my fav, but that was it

i’d lov to cosplay the signless at some point tho, i like his design

11. Are you apart of ask blogs?

nope! i debated it, but i was never confident enough in my skills as rping a certain character outside of private rp

12. Are you in any homestuck groups?

nope!

13. Favorite character?

tbh i’d probably say dave, since he’s … the most relatable to me personally? that and i love his rambles when he just spouts some random shit and goes off on a billion tangents at once. i also rlly like karkat, roxy, kanaya, and mituna!

14. Least favorite character?

caliborn.

i can appreciate him as a character, but he’s…yeah. y’already know.

15. OTP?

i lov rosemary a hella lot, but i also like davekat!

16. NOTP?

…y’know that’s a good question. i don’t rlly think abt ships a lot, just homestuck as a story itself, so. never rlly thought abt it. i’m gonna have to mull that over.

17. BROTP?

nepeta/equius, hands down.

18. Do you want homestuck to just die already?

nah – it’s a rlly good story, tbh. sure it’s confusing if you don’t keep tabs on things and engross yourself in it, but it’s really well done.

19. Are you following up with hiveswap? Do you play? Watch YT videos?

i am! i mean i haven’t seen anything going on except for the troll reveals, but ye – i need to catch up on the playthrough i’m watching (jack’s). i’d play it myself, but i’m staying on a budget.

20. Tell us how homestuck has effected you in real life?

it’s made me really rewire how i go about telling my own stories, tbh – that and it made me rethink comics and how interesting they could be without being just “sunday funnies.” i grew up with shit like archie comics, nothing that really strung together (not to mention something as long as homestuck is), but it made me change my view on how good and serious one could be.

21. Have you met anyone through homestuck?

i have! i don’t know ‘em anymore, but they were a chill group.

22. Have you left the fandom before?

nah – i’m just kinda off to the side of the fandom in my own little bubble, i don’t really get too involved in discourse or w/e to rlly feel the need to leave

that and it’s had my interest for too long for me to leave

23. How many times have you read through it?

5! 3 times on my own, and 2 times reading it to other people.

24. Did you ever skip intermissions/dialog/animations?

god fuck no that’s extra content i could scarf down r u kidding

25. Opinions on the fandom?

i haven’t really mingled much with the fandom to really have an opinion on it – i remember when i was a kid it was really wild and people feared having the homestucks show up, but the people in the fandom seem to have calmed down, and i can fuck with that, so i tease the idea of mingling in. i probably won’t tho, i’ll prolly just stay on the fringes of it hangin in my own space.

26. Opinions on the comic?

get ready

the comic … is honestly, i mean considering it literature, the best piece i’ve ever read? the characters are all really diverse in their views and thoughts, every one of them have different aspects to them that make them unique (john being very aloof when he wants to be, dave’s rambles, rose’s entire personality aside from her interest in psychology, etc.), and they’re memorable in whatever they do. they have their own quirks, their interests, their morals and – i really like how the characters are into genuinely bad things. it’s not like “oh yeah this character likes x and x,” and the things they’re into are neutral or good in nature, it’ll be like, “oh yeah this character actually loves horrendously terrible movies,” and i can appreciate that.

that, and i like how they’re unaffected by “purity culture” – in a lot of media i see today, all of the characters are usually mad acceptable, but homestuck doesn’t really do that. like fuck, take caliborn and doc scratch, they’re hella problematic but i like that – having characters that aren’t acceptable, whose actions are…disgusting, really, but still portray them without having to spoonfeed the reader that they’re not okay. i think a lotta shit i see nowadays misses out by not having characters that have gross views and actions like those two.

i also really like how complex it is. like you get media that shows video games like sao (which don’t even get me started), and they’re…lacking, they’re not like how a real life game would be with all the little events within its code and all the sidequests and yada yada yada. they feel bland. but with homestuck, it’s rich, it’s interesting, there’s always something going on (and it’s limited in time). that and it’s concepts – the way it does its own version of rpg classes, its perma-death aspect, how the players can vastly change things with small actions in a butterfly effect, things like that.

i could go on, but i just really like the worldbuilding, characters, and story, it’s rlly good

27. Do you favor the trolls, humans, or carapaces?

i think i like the trolls the most, but the humans are a close second!

28. Favorite moment of all of homestuck?

either the penis ouija scene, [s] collide, or [s] game over

29. Least favorite moment of all of homestuck?

whenever there was a hiatus

but beside that, tbh there’s rlly no moment in the comic that i disliked!

30. Tell us a homestuck based story.

one time, i tried doing a fanventure.

i’m gonna stop that story there because it was embarrassing and i was an overexcited 15 year old.

31. How homestuck related is your blog?

not really? i reblog quite a bit of hs related content, but otherwise it’s just kinda here and there y’know

#sanswers;;#carlthetitan

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jupeterian · 7 years

Text

Ok so i was tagged to do the 20 questions thingy

@aquariusqueen tagged me but sooo long ago i was tagged by @missunderzztood to do something similar and ALSO even longer ago @moonmood (who i absolutely love) tagged me in one of these as well, so im just gonna do them all together. Im SO sorry i completely forgot! You are all so great and im so forgetful!!! I also apologize for this being so goddamn long

1) Name: Lucía

2) Nicknames: Luli or Lu

2) Gender: female

3) Sun sign: Libra ♎

4) Height: 1, 60

5) Sexual orientation: Bi

6) Hogwarts House: Slytherin 🐍

7) Nationality: Argentinian

8) Favorite season: i cant pick one!!! I love them all!!

9) Fav book: i have so many but i still think about Dan Brown’s Inferno and Truman Capote’s Cold Blood years after ive read them

10) Fav animal: there’s no way i can pick just ONE

11) Fav Scent: anything expensive and classy lol

12) Fav color: Turquoise (is that how u spell it? Idk, turquesa and also any shade of pink)

13) Coffee | Tea | Hot cocoa: Coffee

14) Average sleep hours: 6 hs give or take

15) Cat or dog person: both istg

16) Fav band/singer: my all-time favorite band is My Chemical Romance (I KNOW, but their songs feel like home ok)

17) Fav fictional character: i dont think i have one tbh

18) Dream Job: i’ll be an embassador so.. theres that

19) N° of blankets u sleep with: they are currently 3

20) Dream trip: well id love to travel everywhere really but the trip i had been wating for my entire life was my prom trip and it couldnt have been more perfect. Just 10 days in Bariloche, away from parents with the entire class, partying every night in a different club and during the day doing excursions in the snow. Idk how i survived being drunk w no sleep and high on ibuprofen bc i was sick af for 10 days but its the best thing thats ever happened to me

21) Blog created: i created my main like 2 years ago ? And Jupetarian last november

22) what made you decide to make a tumblr: i was really curious abt this site and then i stayed lol. With this blog, i just wanted a space where i could keep everything related to astrology without fucking up my main

23) N° of followers: i think Jupetarian has almost 200 now?? I never thought id have any followers lol so im v excited i love them all so much

24) Random fact: since this is not specific i could go on forever talking about myself lol but first things that come to my mind are i can speak 3 languages, play 5 instruments and i play volleyball?? But im extremely competitive and i get super angry, frustrated and judgemental if i dont win or get my way in literally everything lmfao

25) Fav book you were made to read in class: mmmm i loved The Lord of the Flies but i think my fav was a compilation of Cortazar’s stories

26) Best vacation memory: idk about “best” but there was this one time i went to california and we were in Hermosa Beach (san diego) with a friend and a bunch of guys pass riding bikes and chanting “national killing day!” And we were v confused

27) Best meal you ever had: chiken marinated in beer/wine/gancia or sidra i swear everyone needs to try it oh my goood

28) Last song you’ve listened to: ByPass’ opening song bc im a nostalgic bitch who cant let go her prom trip (its been a whole year KILL ME)

29) Last adventure you went on: like 2 weeks ago i had to lie to my parents about meeting with friends in a bar bc i was actually going on a date SOOO my dad took me to the bar, i lied to the “waiting-list lady” when i told her we were gonna be 10 people so she would let me in so i could wait until my dad left. After 5 minutes or so i got out and started walking like 8 blocks to the subway, watching my back the whole time bc i had lost sight of my dad (mind you, the city is v dangerous and i was alone and the streets were dark and empty i was so loving the adrenaline). I didnt know the guy, i was super far away from my home and i got back at like 4 am and i was SO HAPPY bc i love feeling free like that 💕

30) Fav mythological creature: prob mermaids??? Ive been obssesed with them since forever (i think its bc of my lack of water lol)

31) Fav story/myth/fairy tale: man, any old disney story. I also remember fondly pulgarcito, hansel y gretel, manuelita, and so many more

32) Last tv show u watched: Black Mirror and i still think about it every day

33) Calm or stormy: stormy but i love calm too (uuugh i can never pick smth when it comes to nature)

34) Fav painter: i just love rainassance and barocco paintings but i dont think i can decide??? How can i choose between so many beautiful things!!!!!

35) Ocean or forest: im gonna say ocean bc i feel a deep conection to it but i just.love.the forest.so.much !!!!!

Oh and i tag everyone that wants to do this (?

#i feel like this is boringly long omg #but there u go #ive finally delivered #about me #mychemicalsiren #jupetarian

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midnightliar · 7 years

Text

the beautiful, luminous, inimitable @violaeade tagged me for 50 book questions!

1. What is your favourite book and/or book series of all time?

oh maybe everything leads to you by nina lacour! it just really gets to me

2. What is the longest book you have ever read? How many pages?

uhh idk what’s the longest harry potter book bc probably that? i dont... read books that long usually

3. What is the oldest book you have ever read? (Based on its written date)

ummm i think and then there were none by agatha christie? i dont keep track by time tbh but i dont read that many old books bc i tend to have trouble reading them

4. What is a book series that everyone else loves but you do not?

the raven cycle lol

5. What book or book series would you like to see turned into a film/ TV series?

oh god most of them? 99% of the lesbian ones for sure. percy jackson would make an excellent animated movie series imo. i’m clearly biased but tasu/teota would be great on screen.

6. What is your favourite stand-alone book?

most of the gay ones i read are standalones and theres so many good ones... i already said everything leads to you but we are okay and you know me well are also extremely good! of fire and stars killed me as well.

7. What is a book that you feel glad for not reading?

god. straight ones? ones that i heard are racist or homo/lesbo/bi/transphobic, but in general i’m picky abt what i read bc i don’t read that many books.

8. What is a book that you feel guilty for not reading?

i was gonna say i don’t feel guilty about not reading books i don’t like/don’t want to but that’s a lie- babe if ur reading this i am SO sorry i never finished the last chaos walking book

9. What is a book you have read that is set in your country of birth?

most of them lol that’s what i get for living in america. i read we are okay pretty recently which takes place in new york, the state i was born in, so that’s a bit more specific.

10. What is a book that you own more than one copy of?

i have 2 copies of redwall for no reason other than my high school library was selling one for a dollar so i bought it even tho i had it already. i have a couple copies of some of the a wrinkle in time books bc i got some of them as gifts a bunch.

11. What horror book made you really scared?

omg i don’t read horror but that one skulduggery pleasant short story about bubba moon or whatever freaked me the fuck out tbh

12. What book do you passionately hate?

um i haven’t read enough terrible books to say i hate them that passionately? but i rly kinda hated trc. oh yeah i read the first c*aptive pr*nce book in hs on the recommendation of a friend and it just made me so uncomfortable the entire time i really. did not have a good time with that one and i wish i hadn’t read it

13. What is the biggest book series you have read? How many books are in it?

skulduggery pleasant! theres 9 books plus short stories i still can’t believe i read all those

14. What book gives you happy memories?

aw sabrina answered this with the flywheel by erin gough and i have to say the same bc she sent it to me for my birthday, full of annotations of thoughts and jokes she made herself AND got it signed by the author, and i’ve uhhhh never felt so loved in my life

15. What book made you cry?

oh the book thief for sure. everything leads to you made me cry a bunch while rereading it even tho its not sad? thos were love tears. that happens a lot actually.

16. What book made you laugh?

skulduggery pleasant! there’s so many good lines in that one. my dad used to always hand me a book he’d just read and tell me to read a certain chapter he found hilarious but i never read the whole book but he always found hilarious memoirs too.

17. What is your favourite book that contains an LGBTQ+ character?

lmaoo like all the books i read are gay? the abyss surrounds us/the edge of the abyss have really unique lesbian characters because they’re so angry and vindictive and dumb and interesting and DRAMATIC so that one gets a shout out

18. Have you read a book with a male protagonist? What is it?

what the fuck is that (ok i legit just finished reading when the moon was ours by anna marie mclemore tho bc my gf rec’d it and it was p good)

19. Have you read a book set on another planet? What is it?

does fantasy count? bc then of fire and stars. uhh chaos walking is on a new planet. a wrinkle in time involves other planets too! wow i’m crushing this one

20. Have you ever been glad to not finish a series? Which?

the raven cycle lol i thought it was a finished trilogy when i started the first book so i just never read the last one and i am so relieved

21. Have you ever read a book series because you were pressured?

not really? i don’t really feel pressure, i value recommendations from my girlfriend friends way more than things that are trending or popular. i’ve read a couple that i blindly picked from internet lists that i didn’t care for tho but that was really a while ago

22. What famous author have you not read any books by?

pretty much any author we were supposed to read in high school. any classic or even modern famous author i probably haven’t read. i’ve read like a dozen books ever

23. Who is your favourite author of all time?

tbh nina lacour is really up there. when i was really young it was definitely gail carson levine. i rly loved anne ursu’s books as well.

24. How many bookshelves do you own?

only one! and a bunch of boxes that i never unpacked after we moved like 3 years ago. my mom wants to put a big wall bookshelf in our house somewhere bc this one didn’t come with any like our last house did but who knows if that’ll happen.

25. How many books do you own?

are u trying to make me count?

26. What is your favourite non-fiction book?

ohhh i don’t read much of this genre. i always avoided it as a kid and i’ve been meaning to get into it more but i haven’t yet. i’m really looking forward to reading a sally ride biography tho

27. What is your favourite children’s/middle-grade book?

the chronus chronicles by anne ursu were my JAM in elementary/middle school omg. i also really loved the may bird series which i didn’t read until high school.

28. What is your next book on your TBR?

i’m about to start georgia peaches and other forbidden fruit finally! my gf bought me 10 things i can see from here and i love her so whenever that arrive i’m probably gonna devour that. i want to reread a wrinkle in time soon since the trailer comes out this weekend! plus a million others

29. What book are you currently reading?

i literally just finished when the moon was ours which felt like it took me ten years to read and i haven’t started another yet but it’ll be georgia peaches bc thats the other one i got from the library and i already had to renew them haha

30. What book are you planning on buying next?

um this old west lesbian novel called backwards to oregon! i’ve been craving westerns lately but as always i’m also craving gay content

31. What was the cheapest book you bought?

i used to buy a ton of old paperbacks, usually goofy looking sf or fantasy novels from library sales for dollars or quarters so definitely those.

32. What was the most expensive book you bought?

i can tell u the most expensive book i got for free was a beautiful bound collection of hg wells stories that i just got from some book at bea before it was bookcon lol

ones i actually paid for... do art books count??

33. What is a book you read after seeing the movie/ TV series?

nah i usually have no intention of reading the book if i watched the show/movie first

34. What is the newest book you have bought?

akdjghksjgh a lesbian western novella called from the boots up for a few bucks on kindle

35. What three books are you most looking forward to reading this year?

the rest of the gay books i’ve bought but haven’t read yet! not your sidekick and labyrinth lost, i’m VERY excited to reread a wrinkle in time and i also really want to read stone butch blues

36. What is a book you love that has a terrible trope? (Love triangle, etc)

crush by sr silcox has the cutest lesbian teen summer romance AND one them is secretly a rock star avoiding her fame bc her controlling dad was turning into HIS dream instead of HERS akdjghksdjgh its fantastic i adored it

37. Have you read a book in a different language? What was it?

oh no i’m dumb as hell

38. What is a book you’ve read that is set in a time period before you were born?

for some reason dave at night by gail carson levine popped into my head first? that was my favorite as a kid and i reread it all the time and i think it took place in the 20s or 30s with all that good good jazz shit

39. What book offended you?

hm not sure how to answer this one

40. What is the weirdest book you have read?

idk the may bird series was pretty weird. gone by michael grant? i read the first for a high school book club and i just could not get into it or understand it even a little

41. What is your favourite duology?

ditty the abyss surrounds us & the edge of the abyss !!

42. What is your favourite trilogy?

wow i really haven’t read that many trilogies esp ones i loved. i guess may bird or the chronus chronicles then!

43. What book did you buy because of its cover?

the maze runner! also bc i heard it was good but i hated that book so

44. What is a book that you love, but has a terrible cover?

honestly i can’t think of one rn

45. Do you own a poetry anthology? What is your favourite poem from it?

nope! i also hated poetry as a kid and have only tried to get into it recently. i have a book of sappho’s fragments and i want to get tracy k smith from the library but thats about it

46. Do you own any colouring books based off other books?

nope

47. Do you own any historical fiction?

thats possible

48. What book made you angry?

the maze runner really did?? for some reason and i don’t get mad that much but it just really had me steamin. sabrina also said grasshopper jungle and i’m inclined to say same lmao. i haven’t read it but seeing all the lesbophobia in not otherwise specified recently made me really mad and also upset

49. What book has inspired you?

aw inspired is a serious word to throw around. the miseducation of cameron post, idk if it “inspired” me but it was my first lesbian novel and that really did a lot for me.

50. What book got you into reading?

i think it was a wrinkle in time! or maybe roald dahl books before that, but a wrinkle in time was definitely up there, and maybe the shadow thieves by anne ursu

i’m tagging @reading-takes-you-places and @mywomensworld and anyone who wants to! i don’t talk to many people here but if you follow me and want to, go for it!

#boy this was so many questions and i really don't......read..............#but ily babe ty for tagging me <3 #long post

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paraclete0407 · 3 years

Text

Feel like Du Fu dreaming of the distant capital Chang’an; ‘liang-zi’ in rain or so. Money burns, houses burn - diamonds burn. ‘Do not harm the wine and oil.’ People don’t even think about An Lushan Civil War and IDK if I read fake history but f-cking Hail Satan / Moloch (’Eat, Lord!’ - Salammbo) from what I read; this world; these men; ‘A Dish of Peaches in Russia.’ Can’t wait to get tortured by K-mafia in all the pornographic violation-vectors pleasures of which I investigated over the years dept. of Purgatory(?). Sing infernal muse of orgasm-hunting and desperately personal inward contractionist odysseys; I rem. thinking ‘220K Belgian breast-implants,’ it looked like my piano-teacher’s house; Knausgaard is like ‘Time for Everything.’ I wrote ‘Success Kid Soup’ where SAmchon / Sammo is writing his Salterian gratitude-journals teaching Hyomin abt. James Salter, then, ‘final eloquence(?) of Jane Austen scholarship.

I rem. once sleeping at Lake Park in car thinking PCH slept in cars to keep from being degen. but ppl thought I was battering old men at Children’s Grand Park or smashing up one of my favorite girls with a flashlight(!?) - it’s not even true.

‘Do you know The Death of Ivan Ilyich,’ midnight gardens, but at this time in my life I felt I had no real program. My only ‘take’ was if you want to talk about DoII let’s sincerely talk about it but then IDK what women ‘intend.’ Plasma-cannons, alien antennae; a while back I thought about��‘Holdings’ only there appears to be a baptism of fire in some sense or other. I rem. psychoticization of Barry Hannah, GnR prophecies, is he burying or disinterring the AK-74. The song from the untranslatable SF global HumDev drama where they married IRL then divorced, some Frenchman,... sexually awaken this! - that song is like... I went on Wikipedia reading about kamikaze, ‘liberty,’ bomb-interception w/ Type-0, fact that some Japanese really weren’t lip-lick daddy-daughter fake paternal colonialists (i believe) b/c a few JP probably detected Perry’s lip-lick, ShiShi, knock knock wakizahi Heaven’s Judgment to mental Cho Kuks(?) - Koreans understand Iwo Jima Lt. Gen b/c these are sacred bloodlines

I rem. ‘when Black girls love them some white boys’ - great! I just regret ever saying anything like TW-1 French tips it’s retarded, now abideth the face, the brows, the destiny of Woman,

XJP probably knows all this; extend question, how to show / teach world..

‘I appreciated’... ‘Expectation’... Smoothie Kng FroYo Bella...

IDK why I feel like saying all this now; I bought a watch-head for like 50 ollars that later got humidified, the watch-repairman’s grip was excellent, but these peple are just not my constituents because at bottom they’re AmKor AAPI Twitter ‘PS always hated you’ reactionary tribalists so rape me my friend! Leave me alone! I liked ‘Beautiful Goodbye’ but as for the ‘Taeyeon suicide countdown types’ if you really wanted ‘My way your way anything goes tonight’ stimulation can I rip out your fingernails upside down hang baseball bat - it cost less than Six Flags and make more ‘individual special’ story. It’s not wrong to torture, ‘better to marry than to burn’ and better to hydroelectrocute, waterboard, shortchain, airplane, than spew infernal lies. Confucius ‘If you love your son beat him’ - I wanna beat myself, IDK if I was right or wrong but smashed ‘Ryan’ with softcover workbook 2011, different time, also turned out he was set up / falsely accused by James so I became one of those ‘ppl that made ppl hate all teachers / system / Caucasians’ - legal, other ppl were toe-kicking to back of knee and stuff. My colleague asked the English for ‘corporal punishment’ I said ‘physical punishment’ b/c ‘corporal’ is mil. rank and ‘corporeal’ is Catholic oceanic concept. Other ppl at that hagwon were like ‘cartoons, puns, I am “woke” and exprienced instructor, circumspect, every so often hurl lethal objects at children’ - later he said stuff like ‘pimping Incheon,’ real estate license, Canada. ‘Korea’s got some growing up to do, libertarianism, a million year patrimony of Canadian nationhood.’ Pornhub, Hushmail, greed-immigration-laws. I said ‘You’re the butler from Kazuo Ishiguro’ but why say anything these ppl are nail-paring... David’s harlotry, how to cancel you, fake dream, no depth of instructional design or whole school architecture, not even dream, not even waiting... Sad! I remember Jordan Peterson calling Tinkerbell ‘the porn fairy’ I like Soshi’s ‘Tinkerbell’ from the press-motif and its echo of Emerson’s notion of the ‘scholar of one candle’ I’m not pro-pornography I just have Catholicistic aesthetics

Now I remember ‘David’ who wanted a card and considered the ‘Fnal Word’ summative statement possibilities of a mechanical pencil. But in the future everyone already understands everything. I remember later filing away what I had taken to be perfunctory observations based on students’ testimony such as ES = parents; MS =friends HS = [TD Jakes sermon + purposes + future spouse etc.]... My friend said sth, I get super-sick of sharing anything with anyone + fret that all my ‘good deeds’ are being rewarded in this world. Sica’s ‘Gravity’ cover. I just no longer understand Korean; Brooks Brothers as white supremacist(?). LJH is like ‘walking straight up to Heaven.’ Condescending-Canada-1 on my 26th birthday was talking about ‘meting you again’ story-ideas; I had a ‘hen could fly’-esque story idea about deer or ‘hart’ and ducks but in retrospect symbolic thinking, who cares. ‘that has expelled us and our images (Stevens’...

Picture of A.S. Lizzie particolor sweater Cheonggyeoncheon; New Order ‘Regret,’ Thatcher era, all these English ‘God wot Warhammer 40K’ retreat in to expressive Imperium that seems condition of fiction but is actually ‘potential prophecy’ or future certainty-world. It was ‘Regret,’ Singapore, but the 40K people were satisfied w/ their lives and Thatcher that I know wasn’t executing them or corralling in to work-camps just saying [make do with less?]...

I wanted to Western fencing and ended up w/ saber/re, in the late 1990s WJC dispatched cops with MP-5′s in order to extradite or return Cuban refugee-boy to his communist homeland; coach is saying ‘Nazi.’ Did Castro threaten terror or was it just child-sacrifice. Later my HS achieved prominence in female saber but honestly, games, toys, fake progress, fake hope, IDC don’t touch me. I later took interest in epee, San-E ‘Feminist,’ my dad said a smart comment about ‘dissonance’ but it is still ‘representations.’ It’s Madonna ‘Holiday.’

‘Seulgi didn’t touch flowers b/c harm them’ - Pearl Buck ‘Living Reed.’ ~ ‘harm not the Earth.’ Gym avoid, just run or work or sth. Insane veterinarian bodybuilder ‘meat digestion enzyme - eat many animals as possible.’ ‘Isolation exercise’ - ev1 wants to believe this brililant then they spent like 3000000 dollars on gov’t money on SF training then they are ‘vastus medialis.’ I like ‘Say something nice about Seulgi’ - it’s like ES.

Feel like what should I confess, my very fav. student, ‘the one who could be anything, whose parents maybe gave her ‘open class.’ What is someone like that to do?

I used to drive down Capitol seeing Black people thinking ‘God’s chosen’ or so but didn’t feel compelled to add or contribute anything to them as they had a special destiny. ‘Where do I take this love?’ Everyone wants to adopt everyone, I believe it monstrous, oppose, veto. ‘Teach me the way’ - it’s grooming, pederasty. I rem. ‘This Is Love’ and two words that mean ‘already.’ My old poem about S’hai-1 and ‘South of the Border West of the Sun.’ Even more now channeling ‘Evr’y Hour,’ seeing Genghis Khan books at BN,’ Beolsseo arasseo.’ I admire out-of-time rubato things, Spengler characterizing the Greco-Roman culture-soul as ‘andante.’ HUFS-1 is ‘Andante Spianato,’ ‘planing.’ I knew her hometown but she’s not my girl so. I know no other piece with a ‘spianato’ direction. No one plays this piece to my satisfaction it’s more Chopin monster-magic. I liked ‘Forgefuness’ by Hart Crane in a way but weird dreams with Crane like a gelatinous turkey b/c hat is so great abt being homosexual and brilliant(?). Power without responsibility, conceit. There were these word-jump-around-page poems from Strand books that I wrote with great joy-generation in HS but after that decided it was madness, mental illness. Square poem, piano reduction of insanity-pop-music, cancel manic depression. Later tried sonnet, tangci, sijo. I like ‘sobriety, staidness.’ ‘Letters to Auratus’ more of my writing tutoring / literary agency abt. what are you trying to convey with ASLS, surrogacy, Heideggerian being-towards-death, dying life. I get it - for a time I always said ‘I see what you’re saying.’ Purity, remembrance. But IDK if Auratus knows or doesn’t know b/c ‘Can’t I lie?’ Maybe it is other people’s pathos. Surrogacy, chaebol, AI knows I like HK3 a lot but in retrospect... I had the phrase ‘autumn settlings.’ Old man waiting for his son, mitigation, train to Cheonan with this grief-blind woman or sth, are you looking at me? My nose is not Jung Woosung’s nose. I forgot the zeitgeists from past dramas; I ban them anyway. ‘The Charm of Department Stores.’

‘Roads Not Taken’ or so is a book about the Vietnam War; who wrote the last word on the Vietnam War? I felt it strange that they make monthly magazines about the past; this transport with American soldiers very washed. Vietnam has huge butterflies. ‘Soldier’s Wives’ ~ ‘This is her taste,’ Chris Kyle’s wife but it’s still like LBSDBS. I remember reading the Mutual Assured Destruction guy’s theory f ‘Faustian peoples’ or so (not Spengler’s idea of all the West as Faustian-outward-historiographical+ ut sth different), my fav. K-film has always been AMFL; I started remembering ‘Insa,’ feeling autumn golden leaves thrown up by the passing SUV fall through my body. These words mean many things and in past I took words in mouth I should keep to myself and wish to hear rather than say or wish to mull rather than flaunt... (once Grahame Greene squalor-lord met the Pope who said ‘But I’m already Catholic’ - dept. of apologetics v. present prophecy, discernment, reality-betterment). I want to tell my most demonic sex-trafficking hallucinations like hole-in-heart zombies racism pineapple pizza, paint the apartment - this was ‘nesting.’ ‘Reflections.’ Auratus was talking of the F-22 which I wanted to tell him that’s not the fastest plane by a longshot, today too I think evth is Satan electric fields and drones thrust-vectoring is a huge toy but IDK what IDK. I wished to send all F-22′s to Kor, I used to nickname this girl XB-70; I thought I was once the little escort just there to film the test or sth. KJAD rapidly improved, the shrimp whale dolphin thing vanished. Creatures. There were scramjets and that reverse dive-bombing where you climb, thrust-weight ratio, ‘arabesque.’ I used to deliberately mar my English and say ‘I think it’s good idea’ and ‘good form.’

F-22, I feel like USA trashed their whole continent and now can’t even give good motor-vehicle?

Memories of KJY, ‘Black is beautiful?’ Wilberforce. ‘Confucianism is all about the phallus(?!).’ YOU help them dept. of Maoist time-bomb. I’ll g to Somalia, Eritrea, one day. I know these kids have special promise; I too would take measures to make them cute and loveable. ‘Social form.’ I love Paul Washer - ‘porn = unloving heart’ - kneel before father... but they need good police; I don’t own firearms; I don’t like to exaggerate. Like in 2012 Doomsday in the end Africa becomes the center o human civilization... I read King Leopold’s Ghost; there was a Georgian Southerner at Beauty School so I got mad at started talking about Gen. Sherman burning down his home turf. Believe in severity; I wanted to help them but they’re so sure they know sth but they’ve been exploding-heart-ing me since like MS; it’s part of why I just wanted to live in Redlands and write in the office ‘cause I know what they think; my name is like a Confederate general, IDK my own past, supposedly teetotaling Union officer who burned his uniform. Tory anti-belief-niks... Let’s talk about Myeongnyang, sacrifice, simplicity, the other thing if adult job-opportunities I guess b/c I know all about being educated but underemployed but I’m not Biden; what job can I create? Just tell them I’ve lived less than I say I’ve lived; ‘creative writing.’ I never made it to Busan, what’s in Busan? Shanghai never made it. Let’s talk about ‘10,000 Sorrows,’ abandonment, slavery, honor-killing, church abuses. Jazz is neither here nor there that I can tell; body-image. Who’s the most important person in the world today? What’s God’s will or me? Just delete my family name? Of course I like ‘Deep River’ - ‘ugly and destructive’ slavery. ‘My Soul’s Been Anchored in the Lord.’ They think I‘m the mark / easy money / sue for punitive damages but I think they’re the marks, ‘maybe so.’ Korea’s not inlating min.-wage; wanna talk about Ralph Ellison, Toni Morrison, James Baldwin. I know a bit about Baldwinian sin-eating like ‘I tell you all my dirty secrets then pretend I didn’t’ - it’s called US mental healthcare system. I like that poem about the pimp but this poet also shout his mouth off talkig about firing in to crowds of protesters. ‘Fire Next Time.’ With Covid it could well be; I was telling ex-friend about how there would just be tanks on the street again but I have come to believe I was reading the future by past. I used to bodybuild in college and eat fish oil every 2 hours so this girl who loves Taeyang saw my fish oils and started crying since she thought they were steroids; ultra-beautiful,Bo probably / hopefully flourishing, modified spelling of the name that means ‘revelation of God.’ But Snoop? Cardi? Does their ethos or way of war ever ever ever prevail? Bonhoeffer learned from the Black church; I loved his poem about feeling strangled in prison. I wanna raze Milwaukee and build them reasonable apartments with study-desks and stuff; their neighborhoods have a soothing energy. Someone a deacde back was eating with African-African national leaders who confided, ‘Our whole continent doesn’t have enough wisdom.’ Koreans were buying up farmland in Africa. I was sad b/c I felt I had a chance; I checked some vaccine-info. now it’s just like in Uieongbu DJJ is some kind of bio-terrorist. I was fond of DC Sua’s ‘Copycat’ although I backed from all that because it’s infinitely misinterpretable; I thought about ‘Love Only Me,’ now I am like ‘Love Someone Else.’ I felt as if this ought to be a lenten penitent ‘reduced circumstances’ era in remembrance of numerous mistakes, going humbly. I liked ‘Don’t Waste Your Life Sentence,’ spring nights. I sometimes feel as if the current POTUS will say all the right things but the drug-laws in past were merciless and what was the point? But that’s Rome and I’ve no portfolio. ‘Henry Fish’ my YAL from 2012 - endless sorries- with his 30-dollar military jackets, taped glasses. ‘Glad and proud to call Obama my president.’ I’ve never voted and don’t intend to except in ‘12 I voted for Obama partly because the psychiatrist and I had a good exchange; now feel that leaving the town hall that ‘pride’ was literal pride, evil, like all these women say, ‘Why would you do that?’ ‘ObaMao.’ I PRC they called him ‘heiren.’ Syria red line ciaccona, Obergefell, strat-patience. End Iraq then suddenly super-massive investment in modernization of nuclear forces, telling EU to pay more for defense - there’s just not gonna be Heaven on Earth & I am never gonna make it to Venus and I really walk round thinking about camping in ex-NK and I do’t mean like the drama But he’s a great man too. ‘Cocaine and cohabitation’ - maybe he really was pace Dreamcatcher beginning of the end, from Hawai’i, ‘From Here to Eternity,’ end of AmCent. His ‘Amazing Grace.’ I said something really obtuse about Bloomberg, Pete Mayor, Biden; a while ago skimmed ‘Lost Victories’ about the Nazi general who drove tanks through forests and stuff, when is going to fall the sword? I liked ‘Beethoven was Black,’ Waldstein-III, and 111 is like ‘massive slave rebellion followed by less-tn-expected final affirmation. IZ*ONE ‘Human Love’ (in respect-mode I call it Ahn Yujin and Jo Yuri ‘Human Love’ b/c they were already breaking up the GG) - I thought it was a great moment; a signature.’ Then the ILY3K, marriage bad, uneducated, omni-prostitution unrestricted war CCP-revanchism exceedingly woke but for all I know I’m just a fake cultural Christian.

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