#i have dr apts to go to idk how im going to get food and shit if no one's wearing a mask | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

66676677767577667 · 4 years

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no matter how many times i go to recover i seem to come back. im so tired. i wanna live a happy life with my boyfriend forever and save lives i dont want to ruin my health with this but i want to be pretty i want to be thin and dainty

i have not been this low of a weight since like august 2015. since right before sophomore yr of high school started. n now its sophomore year of college!! im finally under 120 . ofc i binged super bad last night so i didnt weigh myself today, bc it would probably tell me 123.

my journey:

began in 2015. sw: 144 in march, got triggered seeing my best friend/crush at the time lose weight from starving himself, not intentionally but bc he was afraid of vomiting (food aversion, basically). lw: 117 in july, stopped weighing after that. began marching band and was 132 in november when they weighed us, was rlly triggered. kept exercising throughout the year tho and stayed vegetarian for most of it. summer of 2016 i had a mini relapse, began at 128ish and lost to about 124 in 2 weeks, then stopped. binged all through junior year, had bad thoghts often but never stuck to my relapses. looked so fat in my senior photos. by the end of marching sxn senior yr i was my highest weight ever, 155. it was disgusting and none of my clothes from sophomore year fit anymore. i vowed to lose weight healthily after marching season. i went tothe gym regularly and tried to eat b/w 1200-1800 cal a day. i binged a lot but not as often. i still watched all the weightloss shows and browsed the weightloss tags but didnt let my restriction get too high. my fitness got a lot better and i was running regularly, and my clothes were beginnig to fit better in 2018. i was stuck at 140-138 for about a year, partially bc i was gaining muscle but also my diet was not super balanced. i went vegetarian at some point during this time. having a lot of “diet foods” wasnt satisfying me as much as eating more real foods. i got to college and went vegan hoping it would help and maybe that there not being a lot of vegan options meant i could eat a lot less. unfortunately there was a lot of vegan stuff but it was all super high carb. i became vitamin deficient and saw a dietician who told me to go back to eating eggs and dairy at the least (i also saw her bc my bf and i recognized that i was really starting to struggle w food again and it was scary). i cried eating an egg bc all nonvegan foods had become fear foods. tbh tho all that high carb made me fluffy as fuck. changing my carbs never helped my sleepiness and i figured i had adhd or something. part of my binging problem is that food was one of the few things that could keep me awake. winter break, i lost about 5 lbs i think? was hovering around 134ish. it was nice. and then i returned to school for the spring, and dont really remember what happened food wise until i went to the sleep dr finally and he gave me stimulants to keep me awake. i didnt tell him abt my history of ed, partially bc its a reason not to prescribe me the meds i desperately needed to stay awake in order to do well in school, but also bc my mom was in the room and she doesnt know. not only was i doing so much better in my classes but eating normal portions and not binging was so much easier, bc i didnt feel like i needed food to keep me awake all the time. at that dr visit i think i was 138. about a month later i was 134 or 132 i forgot. maybe even 130 or 129. at college the only scale i had was in the gym which im not sure was super accurate. i did notice i was finally starting to lose weight tho and it was so nice. at the end of the semester i did a research paper on eds and a well known yter with one and it triggered me a lot. this in addition to the stress and the help of the medication to suppress my appetite, i went into another full relapse and spent all my time looking at ed tags on tumblr. idk how i got through finals. i remember getting so excited to be at 127 and 124 and even 122. i looked better than ever, even tho i wasnt at my lw. i would skip meals all day and then go to the dining hall at night and binge on one huuge 1200-1500 cal meal, then go to bed. i got home and my dog died, so i stress ate a lot and also i wasnt walking everywhere anymore and the gym was a pain in the butt to drive to (and not free), so i stopped exercising as much. also being home all the time with all that food n nothing to do made avoiding eating so hard. i went up to 125-126ish. august i began a binge/restrict cycle trying to lose weight again. i was doing rlly well living in my own apt and eating normally and maintaining... now were here.

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