#i have bad memory but this is all to what i can actually remember

[zarvasace]

Next is Depth! He is dark Sky. (He gets his own special dramatic portrait—the perspective mostly works? Idk I need to practice and find some good refs for this sort of thing.) So much rambling about him and his design under the cut.

Masterpost

The most striking thing about Depth is how normal he looks. Disregarding a few odd features, he looks like Just Some Guy, at least until he opens his mouth. He occasionally feigns being mute around others so he can keep the charade of being human up for longer, since his voice sounds truly awful. Depth is paler than Sky with much darker hair and orange-red eyes, but is otherwise identical. He doesn't mind that, and chooses to play it up a bit with very similar clothes, too. His tunic is rust-colored, opposite Sky’s spring green, and his chainmail is pointed and jagged on the ends instead of smooth. He wears a purple sash with more angular designs and lines, which matches the purple charm that keeps his cape on. 

Depth’s sailcloth is both a source of pride and a sore spot. He made it to contrast Sky’s, dark and tattered, but one of his very secret desires is to get one as beautiful as Sky’s, made by Sun, maybe dark, but functional and lovely and a reminder of her. 

See, Depth doesn't understand Sun—he doesn't actually know her, though he has memories from Sky. He wants her to be a damsel in distress that he can rescue, he dreams of her choosing him over his Light, but he doesn't realize that she won't. He loves his idea of her. While Depth follows [insert LU bad guy here]’s directives, he makes his own plans and he has his own agendas, and many of those plans aid him, in some way, to win Sun’s affection. 

However, as Depth has been growing into the leader role, he's starting to become attached to the other Darks. He's annoyed by them, but his plans have started to expand to benefit them in a way that doesn't necessarily benefit him, too. He might have a little altruism in him, after all. 

Despite that, unfortunately, Depth remains someone who would not save the world, but someone who intends to damn it over and over again. He doesn't flinch at the thought of Demise’s curse, in fact, he would welcome it. He likes the idea of having a purpose and a destiny. He wants to coddle the few people he cares about and would set everything on fire to do it. He says he loves Sun more than Sky ever could, but he would lock her away to keep her "safe."

Depth is the de facto leader of the group, since he's driven and has ambition. He has a very strict idea of what the other Darks should be doing and gets upset when they don't do it. He hates being touched and is ruthlessly practical. Once, when Nothing was being particularly annoying and tried to steal Depth’s sailcloth, Depth broke at least one of Nothing's fingers. He hasn't gotten close to injuring someone like that again, due to equal parts nobody bothering him like that again and him trying to be a little gentler. He doesn't hesitate to threaten injury to keep order, though. 

Depth knows about Ghirahim as a sword, and wants to wield it, but is under the impression that he needs to prove himself worthy first. (Whether or not [LU bad guy] actually intends to let him use it is a different story.) Depth is one of the more skilled sword fighters among the Darks, remembering formal training, but his sword isn't anything special. In a fight with Sky, they would be evenly matched if it weren't for Sky’s ability to use a Skyward Strike, and Depth's inability to block that much light. 

Depth’s special ability is his voice. In a mundane way, the others try to not make him use it, because it's almost painful to hear. In a magical way, Depth’s voice carries over long distances. When he sings, he can summon creatures like bats, crows, rats, and snakes, and they'll listen to him for a time. When he screams, his voice is a magical, short-range wave of destruction. Yes, he's an evil Disney Princess. Depth doesn't feel any strong affinity for the animals he attracts, but he doesn't let Dire or anyone else hurt them, and he doesn't send them to their deaths. He mostly uses them as spies and distractions. 

Depth is one of the more dangerous members of the Dark Chain—not because he’s physically imposing or particularly powerful, but because he can see beyond the next mission and is determined to ruin the Lights once and for all. He's one of those who would happily kill his Light—but only after Depth shows him how he has lost everything dear to him. 

#my art #lu z darks au #is this even lu anymore #i mean technically im using the lu interpretations so okay #linked universe

[zachsucr]

WOOO THE FIRST ONE IS HERE!!!

Funny enough, but my first ever drawing based on Confinium was with Navigator and not the Pilot (who still is my favourite to this day ABSOLUTELY ISN'T OBVIOUS YEAH). So, this Navi drawing was made in the summer of 2018 in my first sketchbook. Damn, I was 15 at the time...

I loved every character in the game, but Pilot resonated with me more than anyone else. Maybe his character is just something that is closer to me personally. So, I liked Pilot so much that I made a felted toy after him. It's still one of my favourites (I also have felted Zacharie and Bad Batter's head, but I consider them ancient at this point, and they look like they have seen some shit) and I brought it with me to the Black Sea one time. Me and my family traveled there by the car, 3 000 km to the sea and then 3 000 km back to my hometown, so that lil' guy have seen a bunch of russian cities and beautiful landscapes on our way B)

I also made some of my drawings in not so pleasant periods of my life (specifically the two last ones). I guess I got some sense of relief from drawing certain scenes from the game, trying to put my feelings in the atmosphere of those pieces.

I still come back to the game from time to time. The first time I played Confinium was in 2018, but only a year ago I found this "Bendy and the Ink Machine" song reference when you make Pilot observe the sheeps for a couple of times. That's actually what I really like about the original OFF itself and It's fangames. You can come back to the game and still manage to find something new for yourself each time you visit it.

By the way, Penta (my fav OFF OC) was originally made to be a Confinium OC, BUT THEN SOMETHING WENT HORRIBLY WRONG and now he's a character of his own story, which I want to make real someday hopefully.

And for the last, I also still have some old cosplays on Pilot and Omni in Pony Town eheheh

So that concludes my expirience with the game and it's characters, I guess. Thank you Xin for making this amazing game. Even if it's not completed, It still brings joy and happy memories to me and a lot of people who played it. Thank you for leaving a print on my teenage years. When you ever feel down, I hope that you will remember that there are people from all around the globe that appreciate you and the things you do. You matter.

(If anyone wants to do something similar to this post, you're more than welcome! No need for tagging or anything, just make your fav creators feel appreciated by telling your own stories and some nice words to them!)

#off game #off fangame #confinium #confinium (off fangame) #pilot (confinium) #navigator (confinium) #omni (confinium) #king batter (confinium)

[rrat-king]

1, 2, 6, 14 for fig and gorgug?

1. Canon I outright reject

here's the thing about me and cannon. we are not pals. i do not know the canon. my understanding of cannon is what i remember and what my friends write under the tag 'canon compliant' so. do not know how to answer this cuz there are great gaps of my memory missing where cannon should be

2. A canon or headcanon hill I will die on

for fig it's 100% that she is poly to me. she has so much deep love to give unto others and i think has a lot of fear around fear around only being allowed to love just one person because she's still fucked up by the way things turned out with her mom and gilear. but yeah she's poly and she loves ayda and she's wonderful.

for gorgug it's that he's bitchy. i love bitchy gorgug so much and one of my favorite thing about the bad kids is that they are a little mean and they kinda suck and gorgug is not excluded from that. he is so sweet but if you fuck with him he can say genuinly two words that will haunt you for the rest of ur life. also he's petty. i love him so so much.

6. Worst personality trait

fig is so fucking avoidant if the issue is about her. like she will take on everyone elses problems before she faces her own and trying to talk to her about it is like pulling teeth.

gorgug is so bad at just outright saying he's uncomfortable until it has already crossed over the line of going too far. like he will just suffer in silence, making faces and digs but not actually saying anything which just makes it worse.

14. Most heroic moment

this is recency bias but gorgug took that fucking worm out basically all on his own. that's insane. also i will never get over the kindness and love he has for his friends through 'it's gorgug, keep going' but also. he destroyed that fucking worm

fig, my sweetums, (also recency bias thing so sorry i can't stop thinking about the last stand) not believing in herself, not having in faith in her ability to be a paladin and doubting herself, but adaine giving her portent and fig absolutly destroying shit with her smite. i love her so so much

ask game here!!!

#thank you for the ask !!!! #d20 #fhjy #fantasy high #dimension 20 #bird answers #fig faeth #gorgug thistlespring

[hollowflight-propaganda]

I think it's time I change my bio to say it's been 11 years since I started to watch Ninjago.....

Gosh. Where's my senior discount on the lego sets, huh?

#I actually don't remember exactly when I picked up ninjago. I just know that it was april or may cause it was nearing the end of- #the school year #anyway this show feels like it's my best friend in all honesty. it's been with me for so long and at my loneliest #and to think that I've grown up alongside it. it's so weird #I have such a clear memory of like when just about anything happened for this show #s3 finale? I was sick but I still tuned into watch and CRIED #s5? I watched nearly every episode when it aired on cartoon network in my parents room cause my dad was using our other tv at that time #s8? watched it weekly in my grandparents basement and It Was A Ride #s11 finale? got to the episode at like. 6 am before I had to go to school and felt utterly disappointed there was no kai and zane fight #seabound? watched it weekly that one spring and IT WAS ALSO A RIDE #and that's not even touching the hours upon hours of fan works I've looked at #just. it's been such a long time. over a decade of my life that I've been attached to this show. and at the same time it feels like no- #time has passed at all #I actually first watched the show cause some classmates were talking about it and I wanted to be friends with someone so bad so I started- #to watch it and I Very Quickly surpassed their love of it #what a ride huh? now we're at a point where I can look this show and say it's genuinely good (THANK YOU DRAGONS RISING!!!!!!!!!!) #ok I'm done reminiscing. time to think about the newest scenarios in which to make kai suffer >:) #ninjago #phoenix prattles

[laugtherhyena]

3:23AM, time to post Hatamori fankid and retreat back into my hiding hole

#this is what i was referring to in my last post #sometimes ideas will just pop into my head and i will be unable to resist the urge #i missed sprite editing. it had been a while since i last made a person's sprite #anyways her name is Akira and I haven't decided if it's Akira Tomori or Akira Hatano yet #i like both of their surnames a bunch #thinking of her from a scenario where Ayame and Kizuna survive the kg and get together a while afterwards #Akira is adopted. obviously. Her biological parents died in the tragedy she was adopted at around 4-6 years old #doesn't remember how her bio parents where because she was like? 1-2 years old when they died? #being with them in whatever happened that led to their deaths she may have some form of memory problem from the accident(?) #Akira is pretty forgetful and slow on the uptakes. but it's nothing too worrisome #she doesn't actually care that she can't remember her bio parents because the family she has now is much more important to her #she takes more after Kizuna especially in tems of personality (tho definitely not as bad as she used to be in Dra if you know what i mean) #put them in a room together and they will gossip and talk about random shit for hours #she loves Ayame too! they just don't talk a much? Akira used to follow her everywhere when she was a kid but now that she grew up #Ayame being the awkward-ish person she is struggles a bit on how to talk/interact with her #they work out together sometimes and Ayame will always volunteer to listen to Akira play some new song she's writing #and give her opinions on it #as you can see she is a musician. aspiring rockstar specifically #this came to her as a way to vent about the tragedy and all that mess sorta #may ramble more some other time i am getting sleepy #dra #danganronpa another #fankid #hatamori #sprite edit #edit #hyena scribbles #Akira Tomori Hatano

[sunshades]

One thing about canto VI is like. I see so many people predicting it'll be about Fighting Evil Wife or Breaking Codependent Toxic Relationship and I just kinda think that would suck? If the major theme isn't grief AND love and the way both are seen as like Kinda Weird/inappropriate in the setting of the city. Then I'll be very sad.

#bell.txt #not putting it in the tag i dont wanna spam but yes limbus posting yes girls will be thinking about mortal regret #LIKE. LIKE. remember the discourse on twt about how like it was bad writing that yi sang didnt mourn dongbaek etc #and like that was the thing right. thsts not a thing you do in the city. that was part of why roland (who takes lots after wh's themes) #was so exceptional. that is the whole thing about the sickness of the city #to say it in comedia literary criticism terms: sins are split between wrongly-directed love and excess of love with sloth (lack of love) #being an outlier. i think heatho and generally og wh is about excess of love and not wrongly-directed love. it is the thing that lasts #all the way to the other side. it is the shared coffin and meeting again in the next life #i think itd be AWFULLY disappointing to get some boring boring 'they make each other worse' take. being APART due to societal pressures #makes them worse and horribly lonely. death makes them worse baby. so in my mind thats it #we get to see cathy die or still be unreachable in some way and then in very roland style we get furioso mode #and then the ending is about recognizing the love that has in fact been there all along and carrying it with u. and hoping to reunite some #where some other time. NO more slander of that awful girl. YES to the comfort of the memories. #me typing over my foscolo notes like i can surely post about heathcliff really fast and not write a novel in the tags (unaware) #i have more thoughts about this in regards to ruina with xiao and some stuff from leviathan but in the meantime. listen to my ramblings boy #ALSO. considering that implication. he feels for her what queequeg feels for ishy. ARGHH. RIPPING MY HAIR OFF #ok actually its been enough hours to not spam ppl I'll tag it now for blog org. i should maybe have a tag for posting specifically #limbus company

[bylertruther]

when will said it was "strange knowing who it was this whole time" and "he's hurt, he's hurting, but he's still alive" was he not talking about henry? am i insane? did i misinterpret that scene? why are we acting like will is connected to anyone other than henry bro what is Happening 😭

that was henry that shaped the mind flayer into that spider-like form and it was henry that used it to possess will and it was henry's thoughts that will was experiencing against his will and it's henry that he's still feeling because the connection/"vecna's curse" hasn't been broken. they physically extracted the mind flayer from will's body, yes, but his connection to henry was never broken. henry can't exercise complete and total control over people without the mind flayer's power, which is why will has free will over his body but his mind remains connected to henry.

the characters, and by extension the viewers, thought it was the mind flayer behind everything, because they didn't know what season four revealed to us.

henry wanted to control will's mind and body—a complete and entire violation of everything will is. that was Not the mind flayer, and they tell us that more than once. with all love and respect what are some of you on about because you're starting to make me feel like my memory is genuinely broken or something lmao like i thought.... the big reveal was that it's always been henry? they literally say that? eleven, henry, and will all confirm it? the mind flayer was not a separate entity acting alone... thus will has beef with henry most of all because henry's violation of his mind and body is still ongoing... Where Are You Guys Getting Your Information From 😭 hELP

will's rape—because that's what possession is, he never consented to having his mind and body controlled by anyone else—is an important part of stranger things; both to the general plot and will's character. to say that will only has beef with the mind flayer and not henry is reducing what henry did to him and reassigning blame that very much falls on henry's shoulders. henry was controlling the mind flayer and henry is the one still in will's mind. henry used the mind flayer to have control over will. henry and will are connected. the show literally tells us that over and over again. when you decide to needlessly reassign blame, not only are you misunderstanding and misconstruing the plot, but you're also... not understanding what happened to will at all. like, what really happened to him and how that's used in the show.

henry very likely was the one that kidnapped will. henry is the one that will has a psychic connection to. henry is the one that raped will / possessed him if you prefer that term instead and used the mind flayer to do it. henry is the one that will still knows like the back of his hand, because henry is the one that's still in his head. it's not the mind flayer. it's henry. please stop saying that will doesn't have more than enough reason to want to kill his ass. please!!!

#rape tw #rape mention #triggering myself on main like a fucking dumbass but the worms in my brain are holding on to this one n gnawing at it #am i insane am i genuinely having memory problems am i the weird one #eleven and will can both kill his ass but don't act like henry isn't the one that ruined his life i'm— #i feel very strongly abt this bc i just feel like you Can't reassign blame in rape cases u have to see it for what it is #they're literally fake but. please don't try to absolve bad people like that #they're characters not people i know but. please don't do that lol. henry is a bad guy for many reasons and eleven and will BOTH have #reasons to merc his ass. we can say that it's okay we're not taking anything away from eleven by acknowledging the plot and the #actions that the characters have made like i promise u no one is forgetting eleven who is literally the biggest character on the show #it doesn't matter but also it Does matter to me bc we don't always see rape victims on tv shows or movies that are treated like will #and it just makes me sad when like. stuff that happens in real life (abusers getting off scot free) happens in fiction. bc its like ok cool #not even in the fictional world can there be justice huh lmao cool cool cool very cool and awesome and great love it #actually no im gonna say it bro yes henry tried to kill eleven twice but like. he literally raped will. so yeah i think will deserves the #final blow bro idc. idc idc idc will has to live with that for the rest of his life he has to remember what it felt like and what all he #did under henry's control like. he deserves it. let him maul his ass let him fireball him to the pits of hell idc idc everyone else go home

[marinsawakening]

[Timmy Turner voice] I wish every Links Meet AU that uses Marin as a phantom to haunt and traumatize Link goes to hell no matter what

#No I am not vaguing any specific links meet au bc ive already seen four different ones that do this #Fun Fact! You can give ALTTP!Link different character conflict! #That doesn't butcher the themes and ending of one of the games! #And reduce a female character and arguably LOZ's first complex character to a flat source for man angst #Marin would murder Link if she found out he was remembering her and Koholint in trauma and tragedy #Rather than treasuring its memory and celebrating its existence #GENUINELY framing Link as wildly traumatized by the events of Link's Awakening the way so many ppl do #Completely destroys all thematic coherence in the game's ending and makes it wildly unsatisfying #Yes Koholint disappearing was sad. No Link did not kill an island no it would not haunt him like a ghost #It's a treasured memory and a net positive experience! I have OPINIONS on this and I'm CORRECT #And I'm calling out Links Meet AUs specifically bc those are the biggest offenders #Of stripping everyone else of depth and focus for the sake of white boy Link #If ur lucky then Zelda still has character depth but everyone else* is shit out of luck basically #*Exceptions apply ofc #Lots of stuff that's not links meet aus also interprets Marin in ways I don't personally like #I am picky #Some of which I'd argue are just. Bad. #But at least they often make an effort with her character #Links Meet AUs are the Link Only Show tho and I'm ANNOYED bc I WANT TO LIKE THEM #I AM A SUCKER FOR MULTIVERSE SHIT. U DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH THIS PAINS ME #Anyway. L + ratio + you did not consider the thematic implications of ur fanproject and it annoys me :( #My posts #Loz #Link's awakening #update when i first made this post i was genuinely not intending to single out any specific links meet aus #however i have since crunched the numbers and two thirds of the marin tag on ao3 is linked universe #and i would like to make it clear. i have no real issue with the actual comic or its portrayal of marin #mostly bc marin has not actually appeared or been addressed in the actual comic at all #however i do hope the linked universe FANDOM goes to hell no matter what

[artemispanthar]

Silent Hill games ranked by me

Silent Hill: Shattered Memories

Silent Hill 3

Silent Hill 2

Silent Hill 4: The Room

Silent Hill 1

P. T.

Silent Hill Origins

Silent Hill Downpour

Silent Hill Homecoming

Silent Hill: Book of Memories

#artie thoughts #silent hill #I'm only ranking games I've played so stuff like the Arcade game don't count #Ascension is not a game so it wasn't ranked here #I have actually played part of the Play Novel but don't remember enough to rank it #SH1 suffers from the tank controls which I am Bad At so it got bumped down a little #Homecoming would be a little higher if it didn't have the slide puzzle #Book of Memories was a decent game but not a very good Silent Hill #Shattered Memories is my all-time favorite I adore it #SH3 was the first Silent Hill game I played so I have immense affection for it #SH2 is SH2 it's a classic for a reason #SH4 has interesting mechanics and great concepts #Homecomjng has phenomenal monster design #Origins has a great subplot when it can come out (troubled production) #Downpour's use of water for Otherworld was ingenious #PT was an excellent teaser for a game we'd never get #bssically what I'm saying is all SH games have things that sre great about it #I love Silent Hill

[cactusdodes]

.

#also i've finally deleted L's number from my phone and the sad spotify playlist and the list of her fav things #(also i feel like saying list of her fav things sounds weird and creepy. just to clarify i keep a running list for each of my friends with #like important info and their fav food and coffee order and stuff like that because i have a really bad memory and can't always remember #details like that even though i really care. i just have trouble recalling details when i want to get them treats and stuff) #but anyway.. i deleted all that stuff from my phone. i even charged my old phone so that i could delete her number from there too. i want to #let her go. i've moved on so long ago but for some reason i just haven't been able to fully let her go so i've held onto these little things #but i'm finally ready to fully let her go #so i deleted that stuff. i cut that connection. i no longer have her number. and it feels so good #like that tiny part of me holding on is a little sad. but it's more mourning the loss of what could've been #but i've accepted that it doesn't matter. i can't keep thinking about what would've happened if she hadn't moved or if i'd reached out #sooner when she got back. i can wonder and wonder but i'll never be able to go back in the past. i don't need to wonder anymore #because honestly i don't even want to be with her anymore.. it would kind of be embarrassing. idk i was just such a different person when we #were seeing each other. i feel like a completely different person than that and idk it's almost embarrassing that she knew me like that when #i know how much better i am now. like i just truly like myself more now than then. i'm so much cooler now lmao #but yeah. i don't want her anymore. i'm letting go. i can finally actually let go and it feels so good #and not only for me but like i'll no longer have that tiny layer of guilt when dating anybody else #and i'll be able to actually fully be all in for that person and that's what i want #i don't want to hold out for her anymore #and honestly. i hadn't been while dating N #that's a whole other thing i have to deal with #but i'm just glad that i'm no longer holding onto L. i just feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me :) #blake says shit

[anonymous-depressed-figure]

Just accidentally found the clearest and by far most painful memory I have. Thinking about the time frame I couldn’t have been more than four. This is actually the most physically and mentally painful thing I have ever been through by far and I was fucking four years old

#what the actual fuck #I’m so angry #and it’s so clear #I’m still there #I can hear it #I can see it #I can feel what I was feeling in that moment #it’s so awful #I don’t know how to cope with this #why tf did my brain let me remember this all of a sudden #I actually have no clue what to do #I’m just sitting here in so much pain and I can’t fucking do anything about it #worst part is I’m visiting the people in the memory tomorrow #complex ptsd #mental health #mental illness #ptsd #ptsd attack #bad memories #bad childhood #tw child abuse #traumatic childhood #child abuse #tw abuse #tw trauma #tagging the shit out of this #I don’t want to trigger anyone #bc Jesus fuck no one deserves to go through this #childhood ptsd #stolen childhood

[0rionz-belt]

I JUST REMEMBERED WHO HE IS HOLY SHIT HOW DID I FORGET ABOUT HIM??? WE HUNG OUT ALL THE TIME—

#for context: i found one of my vent posts from 3 or so years ago in which i mentioned a bunch of people i used to friends with #There were two names on that list who i could not for the life of me remember anything about. no face or memories or voice or ANYTHING #it actually took a few days or so of brute forcing my brain to even remember what my brain associated their names to their appearances #like i could remember that the girl i forgot had curly hair like mine but that was all. #and today i saw someone who i now can recognize as looking like him #and it just clicked in my brain and i felt a chill wash over me #but it makes the fact that i forgot him like i did so much more concerning #because i had been giving my brain the benefit of the doubt and letting myself think that maybe this was a guy i didnt know for very long. #But now I know that this was a very good friend of mine who I knew for multiple years in elementary and hung out with almost every day. #i can remember his voice and where we talked to each other after school and how tall he was and his most noticeable features. #I have thought about those years if my life countless times within the past few months purely because of all the shit that happened there. #stuff that formed me as a human being. the good the bad and the flat out weird as fuck. #and somehow NONE of those memories of him ever showed up. #its incredibly upsetting to me. i value nostalgia and sentimentality to a high degree. #ive kept old apps on my phone YEARS after ive stopped using them out of fear that all the convos and data will be erased. #and its troubling to me that i still can't remember anything about that other girl except for her name and hair and when i knew her. #its so fucked the human brain is so weird. literally this is why im a psych major. #vent

[antariies]

while we’re on the topic of racism in the gw2 fandom anyone else remember the canthan genocide post. shit was wild

#in hindsight it was kinda funny <- DISCLAIMER I AM ASIAN #okay but hear me out like. op of that post genuinely was just so excited by the thought of having a non-human expac #they were like GUYS :O what if….. the humans were WIPED OUT and it was just tengu and stuff !! #and they failed to realize. that meant all the dead humans would be asian #can u fucking IMAGINE. a fantasy asian expac with no fantasy asians. bc theyre all dead #anyway everyone tore into that post and i assume op deleted it bc they realized that was Bad #but the damage was done the initial shock of reading that post seared it into my memory #and now sometimes i remember it and giggle #anyway i have Actual opinions about cantha as an asian person if anyone wants to hear those #bc i Dont agree with some of the takes ive seen floatig around #end of the day tho it Is just one asian persons opinion were not a monolith i dont speak for all asian fans etc etc #antalks

[noxtivagus]

I LOVE FINAL FANTASY SO MUCH

#🌙.rambles #coping mechanism!!!! all left i have to do for school this week is just smth easy for math :] then after that it's the weekend n all #i will use fiction ! as an escape ! wooooo . my thoughts are suffocating. n i am so goddamn tired c: #fuck i am so tired of being trapped in my mind n being bind down by my past n everything. just everything #wait i feel like crying why is dynamis playing god i love ff sm.... i am actually crying rn it saved me. it really saved me back then. n no #i am such a goddamn slave to sentiment. to nostalgia. to memories n the past n everything i have lived through. it all means sm to me n #that's one reason why it hurts. i love it all so much but it's so fleeting it hurts.... oh this is bad i am actually crying a lot right now #how do i carry it all? how do i remember it all? i can't die i can't forget i can't deny all these bcs as much as it hurts #it reminds me that i'm alive yk? these memories these words serve as proof that. in the past. once upon a time it really was real #n the concept of reality is something i'm so weak to bcs it feels so lonely in my inner worlds #oh despite all this pain i'm still soft at heart huh. i'm crying so much. #so much thoughts i have. that i don't know how to write. but i try so much to share what i can despite how afraid i often get #when you live a life i have. in these worlds i have. in my head. it's so lonely. it's so so lonely #n. god ffxiv makes me so vulnerable in a way that. fiction is something that's. i really grew up with it being #sometimes even stronger or more present than my own reality #i've always loved the stars too. the moon. celestial beings. everything i've read in those books; whether it be fiction or non-fiction #but always. always something far from my reach. so to have something so real to be a part of #wait i'm crying even more i remember again HAHA fuck wait listening to dynamis rn is making me even more emotional #hermes as a character. i feel like he felt like he didn't belong. he wanted answers. to be understood. to understand. #n we're so similar in that regard. n i'm so weak to those sort of similarities yk? it means sm to me when i've always felt so different #ffxiv here is. it's fiction. so i can freely lose myself here. fly as high as i can without fear of. idk. maybe the #vulnerability n ephemerality of reality...? it's so beautiful. it really is n i wonder if i ever really belong there #sob i realize. there. i've been so accustomed to always reaching out futiley to something i can't have. does not exist. or yeah #reaching out to a past i cannot relive. just to remember again how it was exactly in those moments. or a future i'm uncertain of #or the present. which i'm not ever quite sure about what exactly it is. or what's going on. or myself. #understanding. understanding.... until i understand all i can of this world n finally accept that i too am living n real. i won't give up. #there's so much to life that will forever be left undone. i'll do as much as i can. so i can hold unto my humanity. unto reality. im crying #i did not expect to cry so much tonight;;; but maybe i still underestimate the pain i carry. i deserve too the kindness that i give others #because i'm human too. i'm young. n i know what that means to me. sm thoughts sm words it hurts sm im crying. but fuck that i'm still alive #i'm so confused i'm so lost. on what really is my reality. on who i am. god it's so overwhelming i don't know where to start it hurts .

[carrotpiss]

:o(

#and once again i lie here feeling like shit #i just dont understand what they want from me one minute they're inviting me to so much and flirting and trying to get me to stay over #the next its just one or two word responses at best #can S just be consistent even slightly #i just feel shitty like some forgettable object rather than a person #why bother convincing me to travel all the way to you if youre barely going to acknowledge me im just chasing crumbs #im just chasing the memory of there veing crumbs even #bleh ill see how Thursday is and if its bad im just gonna straight up block them for a bit if needed #idk how else to deal with this at this point #crouch speaks #its kinda funny im actually becoming better friends with k tho who actually does more than say LMAO or FR FR #idk ill work thibgs out eventually ig #of course this play relies on them remembering Thursday which is yknow a tall ask probably so im gonna have to prompt abt that ig

[lusalemaart]

🥛🍔

#really getting fucking tired of tumblr not compressing my file itself. like it ruins the quality but it wont #automatically resize my massive fucking files!? gotta do it myself?? ugh. the lack of usability across all social media platforms is just #getting so hard to stomach anymore. nothing is functional. people get their accounts removed for no logical reason. im exhausted. #and yet i still want all my shit in a collective place -_- #ugh.do you ever look at something and are like. holy shit i painted this.damn. unfortunately it doesnt happen very often but when it does? #almost always my vent boy. why. why is that?why cant i paint anything half decent except this emo boy with a mullet?whatever. also. kinda #random but.not actually random. related actually.idk if this is just me but like. sometimes there are Articles in ur living space that just #exist. like u just accept they exist even tho u have no recollection of attaining them. im talkin clothes specifically rn. like i have this #aqua-green robe with blue trim that ive had as far back as i can recall...except i cant for the life of me remember where it came from! its #almost like it spawned in my closet one day.i just. accept it.like. dont get me wrong. it cozy. its quite physically held up for decades. #i wear it all the damn time. but ive no mortal clue how it got here. ive no memory of receiving it.also ngl i had way too much fun renderin #his beard.like u cant tell bc i apply about a million overlay layers and filters respectively to my finished works. ultimately covering up #hours + hours worth of finely rendered details each drawn individually by hand. deeming my efforts useless in the end bc i cover it up but. #trust me. i took some time with that beard.beard gang beard gang.mullet beard gang.dirty smelly mullet beard man. hello yes my name is #80 y/o who is 32/33 years old. how are you today? im personally doing terrible.good talk. WHAT CAN I SAY i just think the emo grown ass man #with boatloads of physical AND emotional trauma is neat. MY HANDS LOOK LIKE THIS SO HIS DONT HAVE TO *camera pans to a fucked up little set #of discolored claws skin translucent as alll hell. no muscle.atrophied beyond repair. also a bit of dirt is caked under the brittle + ridge #unhealthy nails. cuts and scraped take approx 3 months to heal bc the nerve functioning is That Bad*. #botdbs #fk #on a final note. I drew these about a week ago. I was literally only listening to cheeseburger in paradise the whole time. Then I learned #today that Jimmy Buffett passed away yesterday. broke my heart a little. i was just drinking my coffee from my margaritaville mug too. #Rest in peace legend. I hope heaven has so many cheeseburgers. #so many cheeseburgers in literal paradise. #Makin' the best of every virtue and vice. Worth every damn bit of sacrifice. to get a. cheeseburger in paradise.