#i have A LOT of feelings for this woman OK | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

oceantornadoo · 17 hours

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hii! can you do what it would be like asking price to put pads on the shopping list?? and then when price goes shopping he has to call you to ask for what size ?? 😭😭 btw i love love your work, hope u had a good day💞.

im pretty sure you're referring to this post but i decided to make this price x reader so :) enjoy!

bsf marriage pact!price x reader, he's slightly creepy but he's sweet (this is actually a bit dubcon but its in good spirit)

you had had a shit day. actually, make that a shit week. emotional the whole time, feeling lonely, depressed, and with the weirdest cravings. right when you were about to call your best friend and rant about how terrible you felt, you had went to the bathroom and- oh.

that explains a lot.

and now here you were, sitting on the toilet for the past ten minutes, contemplating. you were completely out of all period products and your flow was so heavy there was no way you were making it to the store free bleeding or with toilet paper as a makeshift pad. of course, that's when john decided to call you (let's be real, who doesn't take their phone to the bathroom. don't judge.)

"evenin', duckie."

"ugh john, i told you not to call me that. its so annoying."

john grunted a chuckle into the phone, swiping a hand over his beard. "you love it." silence. he could practically hear your eye roll. "dinner tonight?" he was pacing his apartment, uncharacteristic for a man like him. calm, cool, collected. never when it came to you.

"can't, sorry. maybe in a few days." he grunted. "could order a takeaway?" you sighed in his ear, the sound a melody he craved to hear over and over again. on lazy saturdays and in-between small fights over laundry. baby steps, though.

"its just not in the cards tonight, john, i'm sorry." you were never like this, withholding information. even when you cancelled on him, it was with a long-winded explanation with the names of about seven people he didn't know and plans you didn't want to go to. "'s wrong, duck? got a hot date or somethin'?" he mentally crossed his fingers, not allowing a physical expression. he wasn't that whipped. not yet.

"no, im just sick. and tired." his muscles relaxed. he started putting on his boots and grabbed a fleece, something gaz insisted was not too tryhard for someone like him. "i'll run to the store and grab ya medicine, hm? what'dya need?" you sighed again, rubbing your fingers to your forehead. he obviously was not giving this up and you did really need pads...

"ill text you a list when you get there. thanks john."

"anythin' for you, duckie."

list: pads, advil, that one chocolate candy you know i like, something for dinner

shit. price had been with a woman or two, but had never had to buy her pads. of course, he'd never let it get to that stage, not when he had you to take care of. but now here he was, staring at playtex and always and what the fuck was a diva cup? he'd better call you.

"all ok, john?"

"ya didn't give me a color on your pads, duck." you giggled. of course he paid attention to the green versus orange pads.

"its pretty heavy so some of the overnight and extra daytime ones would work." silence.

"...there's numbers." your cheeks warmed. you couldn't believe you were talking about this with john of all people.

"god, john. this feels so embarrassing. so weird to talk about with you."

"why? gotta know this for the rest of my life, duckie." shit. he was referring to that night a couple weeks ago, when you confessed to him you thought you'd never find love. when he said he'd marry you in a heartbeat, just say the word. when you compromised by telling him if you were still single in two years, you'd go to the courthouse then and there. when you didn't see him turn and write the date in phone, just as a reminder.

"5, john. there should be a moon symbol or something. and then 3. should be green, i think?" he grunted an affirmation, putting the respective pads in his cart. he turned around, having said goodbye and ended the call, and was subsequently greeted by three women, staring. paused in their product selection, staring openmouthed at how nonchalant he was about buying pads.

30 minutes later he was at your place, groceries and takeaway in hand as he used his spare key to let himself in. "duck?" all quiet. he stalked through your place and noticed the light on in the bathroom. one, two, three quick knocks. "john?" "'s me. can i come in?" "no i- need you to get me something." he waited patiently. "can you go to my dresser and grab a pair of underwear. something ugly, lots of coverage." who was he to say no to a free invite to your underwear drawer?

john dropped the pads outside your bathroom door and headed to your bedroom. finding your dresser, he had to give himself a second. calm down, old man. they're all clean.

that didn't stop him from sniffing a few, reveling at the scent of your laundry detergent. he almost groaned at the scent, imagining you in them. even in the "unsexy" pairs, your curves clothed in cotton and elastic, wrapped up in a lovely package. all his.

john selected a pair with "lots of coverage", whatever that meant, and headed to your bathroom. he opened the door with ease, setting your pads down on the counter. you shrieked.

"john! im half naked, you need to knock." obviously, the sight of your bare thighs and the top of your mound peaking out was most welcome, but he was more concerned about getting you off the toilet and putting food in your belly. "jus' me, duckie. come on, show me how to do it." he gestured at the pads. he couldn't be serious.

you slowly unboxed them, taking care to cover your naked body as much as possible. even while moving slowly, your shirt still shifted and he caught glimpses of your pretty pussy. an image for another day, when you weren't in pain. he focused on your fingers, deftly putting the pad on your underwear with years of practice. he memorized how you placed the pad, ensuring it stuck to your underwear before tearing the paper off the wings and tucking them on the other side. you looked up at him and he nodded, mission complete. "thank you, by the way." he kissed your forehead, so quick you could have missed it in a blink.

"turn around, i have to put it on." he sat back on his haunches, staring. "go'on. 've gotta learn somehow." you were too tired to care, ready to devour your dinner. you missed his hungry gaze as you revealed your cunt to him, wanting even though it was covered in blood. you missed his fingers twitching as you slowly pulled on your underwear, fabric caressing your skin like he yearned to. you got up, flushed, and washed your hands, missing how he tucked his fingers in belt loops and leaned back into the wall, a move he'd done many times in his tac vest.

"thank you, john. truly." he gave you a grin under the muttonchops, all satisfied. task finished, mission accomplished. you had asked him to do this, a husbandly duty. after you dried your hands, you made a move for the door, but he stopped you with a hand to the jaw. he brushed his beard against you, feeling the shiver in your bones. his mouth hovered near your ear, accent coming out low and sultry. "anythin' for my future wife, duckie."

ngl this got a bit weird but i like it??? had to struggle to not lean into my simon riley weirdness tendencies as im still learning john as a character.

#john price #price #cod price #captain john price #captain price x reader #price x reader #john price x reader #captain price #price imagine #price headcanons #price one shot #john price x you #captain johnathan price #john price x y/n #tornadothoughts

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rory-multifandom-mess · 2 days

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GRABS YOU

Gimme ur V headcanons now <3

You know who this is

you're GAAAY, YOU'RE GAAY, YOU LIKE KISSING GIRRRLLSSSS

ok anyway

V Headcanons

V can be very flirtatious when she likes someone (that isn't N) (Yes this is my Vhad brain speaking. shut up)

Huge tease and takes joy in scaring others

Ever since the pilot, she likes to sneak into Outpost 3 through the ventilation shafts

Gives lovebites to those she likes (I'm projecting a little here)

When she's bored and exhausted from putting up her badass sadistic woman front, she'll fly up to the roof of one of the taller buildings and stargaze. And just... think.

Random compliments will catch her off guard, but she always covers up her flusteredness by flirting back or just being sassy

Her sadism and mild insanity is actually a cover-up/coping mechanism. She doesn't take joy in hurting others, and a lot of her unnecessary killing is an emotional outlet, an attempt to feel something other than hatred and despair. (hence the "and yet? i still feel nothing!" line in the pilot)

Sometimes she'll also tell herself that killing worker drones is getting revenge on Cyn for ruining her and N's lives. She'll even somtimes imagine the worker drone she's slaughtering is Cyn

V is usually the first to wake between her, N, and J. She's made sure it stays that way, because then she can check and make sure they're still there; she does this to be sure Cyn doesn't rip them away from her again

She stays distant from N so they don't get too close again like they did in the mansion, because Solver hates love and thinks its gross, and it'll kill N in front of her face again if it has to, she's sure of it

Every time she wakes up, she looks around and checks her body to make sure Solver isn't experimenting with her again - to make sure she isn't being messed with

I think her love language would be acts of service. The moment she finds herself doing anything for anyone without them asking her to is the moment she starts to distance herself because no. nuh uh. that's just asking for solver to ruin everything again.

This is more of a general headcanon for all disassembly Drones, but I think they can switch between seeing through their 6 eyes on the top of their head and the regular 2 on their screens. That being said, V usually sticks with the 2 on her screen simply because that's what she was used to. She only switches to the 6 on her head when engaged in battle for that advantage, as opposed to N and J, who are usually using the 6 unless they need to scan an area (or N in episode 4. stupid fuck. love him)

AAGH I NEED MORE V HEADCANONS BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY MORE. Anyway hope you enjoy these! Most of them are angst oops

#ask box #ask answered #rory answers #rory rambles #murder drones #murder drones headcanons #serial designation v #serial designation n #serial designation j #murder drones v #murder drones n #murder drones j #n x v #kind of?#murder drones fandom #vhad #killingblond #kind of #just a little

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aheathen-conceivably · 24 hours

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Ok so I read the post on your thoughts on Gio and the American Dream and I hate to say it … as an immigrant, I understand him.

I also come from a culture where women tend to their male partner's needs and I don't believe he wants to turn Jo into a subservient wife. He fell in love with a lively, free, and wild Jo and loves that aspect of her.

At the end of the day she loves him too so why would she leave? I understand she doesn't like to be dependent of him but where else would she go? There are no parties or glamour, which was her whole thing, anymore. At least the farm offers stability in the economic crisis.

Point is, I understand Gio as an immigrant, but don't understand Jo as a woman.

BABES! We’ve got another one…

(As in me being touched and having no other means to say how much I love y’all takes other than to give them a standing ovation in GIF form).

But you know…there’s a whole lot to break down here, friend, especially about Jo. I think you know what that means! Under the cut we go….

First and foremost, I very much appreciate you saying you understand that aspect of Gio. I did in part write him as a commentary on the immigrant experience in America (filtered through his own personality/character of course), and so to know that is relatable means a lot to me. I don’t think it’s a spoiler to tell y’all his journey is far from over, and you can already see the cracks in his outlook beginning to form. Whenever Jo is depressed he says this quite vividly:

Because you are very, very correct. This isn’t about molding Jo into some subservient housewife, or even eroding those exact qualities that he loves in her. This is about Gio attempting to square what he’s been taught/believes will bring his life happiness and meaning with his own experience and emotions. It’s about the myth of the American dream and the perfect housewife and the very real struggle of those things existing as actual, lived realities.

Because at the root of it, Gio is amalgamating an understanding of his own family unit and what he knows he doesn’t want in this country. He has seen another methods of “making it” in America, and so he thinks if only he can make the “right” choices, he can avoid that, and become the respected and happy man that he wants to be.

Now onto Jo, boy oh boy, Jo….

I think one of the core misunderstandings here is that Jo wants stability. This is kind of the crux built into her desire for control and her never-ending failure to achieve it. She wants to control her surroundings, to make sure nothing and no one can hurt her, but she also wants to feel in a way that is hard to find in a stable, heavily domesticated life. On the flip side, despite whatever imaginary dream Gio has, he’s the same way. They both want a life filled with excitement and new experiences, new people and rushes of emotions. This is one of the ways they differ heavily from Antoine and Zelda.

Now on one level, this is simply the way Josephine is. She’s high energy, fun loving, and insatiable. But on a deeper level, this is tied into her experiences not only as a woman, but as a daughter. She has a brief moment of clarity in that last post where she realizes:

Now I have chosen not to go too in-depth on Josephine’s trauma, but you can see her lay out the course of events here and also her deep hesitation to any of it here. Josephine is still only a teenager in that second post. Her mother not only told her things like that (“this is the weight that prejudice and expectation have placed upon us”) but also “what do you want to be then? Some glorified maid to a man?” (Which, frankly, I can write another Ted Talk about the juxtaposition here, but I think ya'll can pull some threads).

So when you see Josephine’s struggle with control, this is heavily rooted in bodily autonomy. Now all things considered, Josephine has managed to make great strides toward reclaiming this and reasserting not only her sexuality, but also her sense of self in her body. Gio knows this. We see him recognize and respect it quite clearly in that last post. He’s been part of that process for her, and that only adds another element of love, trust, and safety between them.

But on a fundamental level, neither Gio nor Josephine has made the connection between that trauma, her own personality, and why she hates her life now so much:

Here’s the issue right now: Josephine doesn’t feel like she’s living her own life. We have seen how she would like to live in the 20s not just in the parties and glamour, but when she was managing bands. She wants to be fulfilled professionally, through helping people/places she believes in and bettering her own life by bettering theirs. That’s how she gets her joy, and that’s what she would chose to do if given the chance.

And right now, she does not feel like she gets to chose. You’re correct in that part of that is coming from the current economic situation. Again, she sees that herself here. She knows what demons are waiting outside her window, and how easily poverty can make them rearise. That only makes it worse. It doesn’t make the smell of bread (domestic security) any better or more comforting. It makes it bitter, because she didn’t chose it. She was backed into a corner by circumstance (and, as she can sense, by the choices men made for her without telling her), and now she feels like she can’t say no. That’s her ultimate trigger.

Now whether or not that loss of control is simply perceived, or should be offset by how “lucky” she is to be in a stable position in such precarious economic times, we might all have different options on. Even more, I’m sure each of us would answer differently for ourselves in that situation. I know I would. But for Josephine? Not only is this a life she will never find joy in, because even without her trauma, she is an ambitious, restless, and outgoing person with different goals for herself; but that added memory and pain makes her reaction to it all the more volatile.

Perhaps most importantly, Jo feels as though her life is being controlled again, whether by Gio, the reality of the world outside her window, or by her own guilt/love that makes her feel beholden to the people around her (just like it did to her mother). Because you’re right, she does love him. She wouldn’t leave because she doesn’t. If she leaves now, it would leave because she panicked, because she feels like she’s lost all the autonomy she worked so hard to regain and she’ll never feel the fulfillment she felt when she was successfully independent ever again. That’s the element I hope we can understand, even if it’s not what we would do.

#okay THAT might be my longest Ted Talk yet 🤣#which if you’re actually reading you really deserve a tshirt let’s be real #and I’m so very sorry they’re so long #I try and infuse them into all the posts but like to condense it and write it all out clearly can be so helpful sometimes #for me too let’s be real #and like I want them to have a real solid base before we move into ~the great unknown~#anywho there’s a number of threads I could have touched on here that I didn’t for ~time~#but if you’d like to go through the #Josephine Duplanchier extra #tag there’s some good stuff there too 😉#Giorgio Mistretta extra #also #*ahem*#does it REALLY offer stability in the economic crisis?#y’all remembering what I’m remembering? 😬#ain’t a true American dream without a healthy serving of debt aint it

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frogboy0 · 1 day

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OKAY!!!!!!! TEENAGE CHARLIE (Going by Charlotte at this point still)

FEATURING A MORNINGSTAR FAMILY PORTRAIT‼️‼️‼️‼️

So I know everyone and their mother thinks Charlie being an emo teenager is HILARIOUS (just me? Ok) BUT I think, at least in this sorta rewrite/reimagining, it can be tweaked.

From what we've seen from the little of Charlie's backstory, she's never been.... BAD. Like, I understand she's not a bad person but what made her believe that people could change???? What was her reason for thinking that???

And what better proof could she have than herself!!??

(and ofc maybe the show DOES have an explanation as to why she thinks the way she does but I think the best reason for her to believe that people, more specially SINNERS, could change is if she HERSELF had changed!!)

More explanation on teenage Charlotte and some other stuff under the cut in case you don't wanna hear my rambling hahaha

So what I imagine is that Charlie didn't start going by Charlie until AFTER she decided to make a change for herself.

So Charlotte Morningstar is the only child of the Devil, Lucifer and the first woman, Lilith, as well as the sole heir to the throne of Hell.

And she was a total sleazebag.

She did all kinds of drugs and partook in all of the Hellish virtues that eternal donation had to offer, that also includes the infamous hunting trips that she and Lucifer would go on together (as mentioned in this post)

She was aggressive, violent and unfaithful. I imagine that Charlotte was a total shit ass kid who got into trouble all the time (which was basically encouraged by Lucifer and so long as she did what Lilith told her when it came to meeting advisors and ruling, Lilith didn't care how she was either)

Charlotte still dated Seviathan like in canon. I wanted to lean into the Eldritch part of his name but something that isn't too complicated LOL, so I made him have a whole bunch of mouths all over him (his right eyes, his ears, and there's a LOAD more that are just usually covered up by his clothes). He's like a mouth themed vampire-demon thing to me <3

He's pretty arrogant and mean, a huge jerk like Charlotte, that's why they were together. They were both really similar at the time and just enabled each other's bad and violent behaviors.

Then eventually Charlotte realized that hurting people and being super evil was NOT GOOD and began to change. (This change is noticed in her physical appearance (no longer showing her horns) and starting to go by Charlie :)

This caused a LOT of rifts and tension between her, her parents and peers tbh (this was expanded on in this post)

And have a little bonus for humoring me with my insanity.

I think once it's revealed that Vaggie was an exorcist angel, Charlie's gonna fucking FLIP (obviously). Her biggest reason is still how it was in canon, how Vaggie had lied to her and kept the whole thing a secret BUT!!!!!

She's also gonna feel conflicted BECAUSE she ALSO did bad in her past and she doesn't wanna look like a hypocrite if she's crucifying Vaggie for doing the same! But she's mad! But she also did bad!!! She's just gonna be super mixed up and conflicted and confused LOL

#my art #hazbin hotel #charlie morningstar #lucifer morningstar #lilith morningstar #alastor hazbin hotel #lucilith #tw hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel redesigns #hazbin hotel rewrite #charlotte morningstar

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arsenicflame · 5 months

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absolutely delicious flavour of edizzy is where theyre Actually Married but neither of them know it, while also being acutely aware of everything-

they celebrated 25 years of their matelotage. they are having sex on the regular. both of them think the other thinks their contract is purely for financial reasons and the sex is just fun + convenience.

#'hes just having sex with /me/ because he knows im not going to stab him in the back (literally)'#meanwhile theyre having the most tender schmoopy sex known to man because theyre both so fucking in love #(not 2 say anything abt the actual sex theyre having they can be as rough as they want itll still be tender because theyre having FEELINGS)#'of course we have a matlotage it'd be silly to not have a financial agreement when our lives are so entwined. whats mine is his'#and at the same time theyre celebrating anniversaries with blowout bashes and gifts and shit and just #theyre so fucking aware of their marriage but theyre SO STUPID about it #'but what if he doesnt like me like that' about the man whos slept next to him for decades #nyxtalks #ofmd #izzy hands #israel hands #edizzy #blackhands #anyway it ends when someone else finally points it out #classic steddyhands set up. eds talking about his relationship with izzy and stedes like 'youre married' 'yeah but not like that'#'absolutely yes like that edward- am i the other woman?????' and it takes a few days and a lot of convincing but they talk about it #and realise oh theyve been real actual married all their lives huh #que more fucking schmoopy sex. hand holding and tears and shit and maybe its a little cringe but its their wedding night ok ????????

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seventh-fantasy · 6 months

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li xiangyi, yin, and femininity

we all know that li xiangyi is a character of fractured identities. and li lianhua is an unreliable narrator to his own story. these make him not the most straightforward character to study. but I've believed in treating li lianhua as a part of li xiangyi, rather than separates. and there must be a common thread that ties all of him together. thus, I offer what I have found to be the most useful lens to use to view him as a cohesive whole, regardless as li xiangyi, li lianhua, or any other identity he may reinvent into: his 阴 yin qualities. (yin of yinyang)

this framework suggested by the drama's text itself has helped clarify to me his strengths, weaknesses, motivations, and struggles. by identifying this constant, too, makes it so much easier talking about what has changed in him.

[to the, hopefully growing, boli lhl hivemind @markiafc @ananeiah]

there are some notes on the concept of yinyang and chinese conceptualisation of gender I have to preface with.

[disclaimer: of course, I'm not even trying to cover a tip of what experts have extensively studied and debated in a depth it deserves. all I'm doing is try to parse the broad, fundamental ideas that are needed to explain my blorbos through my own spotty brain filter. so there bound to be nuances I've overlooked or some degree of my own interpretation. pretentious but needs to be done.]

阴 yin and 阳 yang are concepts characterised by passiveness, darkness, gentleness, femininity etc, and proactivity, light, toughness, masculinity etc respectively. a very key and handy concept to have in mind is their relationship to each other - which I'll not attempt at explaining better than literal scholars have:

Yin and yang exist only in relation to one another internally as the way warmth-coldness only exist relative to one another. Furthermore, when using yin-yang as an organizational schema, achieving balancing harmony is always the goal, not domination nor subordination of one to the other. [x]

while yin and yang can be symbols of femininity and masculinity, it doesn't mean all female are yin and all male are yang. it's certainly not a strict 1-to-1 equation. the concept of gender in chinese context is more social than biological. this suggests room for fluidity, and shaping of identities, often through social rituals as one journeys through life. it also means that there can be femininity in the masculine, and vice versa - in fact, that's only healthy because you need a good balance of the two worlds. no one part is better than the other. if you think of the two components as relative to each other, they are always interacting and affecting each other, rather than being strict and inert binaries. simply put, it needs to be kept in mind that there are greater nuances in applying yin and yang to the definitions of gender, and to avoid at all cost a simplification of this framework into a binary.

sure, the show has implied that lxy's powers and energy are yin-coded. but femininity is only one of the multiple attributes of yin. so how are we extending lxy's yin to femininity specifically? it's in the text that substantiates and qualifies lxy as feminine. dead women being used as proxies to his character. being literally dressed as a woman in order to put himself into their shoes and feel what they've felt. adopting a name that happens to be very, very feminine - 莲花 lianhua (lit. lotus flower) (it must be caveated that chinese names are NOT gendered. but there are just some names that are more feminine than others.) him coming to lead a life revolving around traditionally feminine, domestic things as li lianhua. him having interactions with the women around him like he's in his own element - no pressure and tension at all, unlike with all the other men.

as such, I'm more willing to use yin and femininity interchangeably in discussing lxy (while it's not necessarily applicable to every point that will be mentioned albeit there being some degree of implied association). and it's for the sake of elucidating what I feel is an intention or very plausible reading of the canon text in parsing feminine experiences in lxy's character. and thus, his queerness.

one last note is that taoism is going be mentioned quite a bit as well because of how much it as a philosophy honours the yin quality. its key tenets include valuing passiveness and inaction as a form of action, and submitting to the nature of things. and we will see how those come up in lxy's life too. (though I'm not gonna attempt to deep dive into it here beyond broad strokes of it.)

a huge part of li xiangyi's yin actually manifests in him being a passive person. this applies not just to li lianhua, but also li xiangyi. I know. ok wait hear me out. the idea of yinyang is after all components that can change and are relational to each other: thus, there were points in li xiangyi's life when he was less passive than other points, but they ultimately don't match up to the degree of aggression displayed by other men around him. so relative to their display of proactivity and aggression, he can be considered as passive. the best example is that of shan gudao proposing to launch an offensive on jinyuan alliance, while lxy - as much as he was arrogant about it - was standing his ground on not taking action in favour of peace.

it has already showed up in his childhood as well. he wasn't a particularly competitive child: 从来都没有谁要和你争 nobody has ever thought of competing with you over anything, he told sgd as he recalled of their times growing up. it was in fact sgd who was desperate to control and override lxy's presence. baby lxy did not hesitate at all over giving up on winning in favour of protecting his only rare few close relationships left in the world (given how hard-earned relationships are when they're non-familial !!!!). as much as I resent the one-dimensional writing of sgd, he has served as a very strong marker to highlight on lxy's yin.

I've harped on it several times before but this is the time I finally get to explain it proper: my own theory is that li xiangyi became an unparalleled swordsmaster because of his yin/feminine quality, not in spite of it. an interesting point that had been out in the open unclaimed until it was brought up in our friend group is that, li xiangyi does not actually fit anybody's conventional image of a 武林盟主 wulin mengzhu (ie. ruler of wulin). it would most likely have been some burly, muscular, ultra-masculine dude. even if they don't look like the demonic monk, it should be someone more like di feisheng. but. it's li xiangyi, the boyish, delicate-looking kid, who came to the top. (no wonder people - mostly men - love or love to bully hate him like weak men hate powerful women??)

"why didn't they cast someone who looks more like a wulin mengzhu (read: traditionally manly)?" no, no that's precisely the point. nobody said wulin mengzhu have to look manly. and also who is to define the manliness required to be in a place of authority? (or in my other meta, we would ask, who is to define anybody gets to have the authority over anyone else at all?)

by taoist ideal, gentleness is the most refined form of strength. li xiangyi has been haunting and distracting me in my chinese calligraphy practices lately because I'm thinking about how this must be the closest to what it felt like lxy becoming the best swordsman in jianghu. (so pretentiously brainrotten of me, I know, BUT IT'S REAL and I'm suffering.) mastering a chinese art is essentially about mastering a delicate balance between force and gentleness; being able to draw force from softness 柔中带刚 and an ability to maintain this balance. a beginner will instinctively hold a brush for the first time with brute, unrefined force. some fairly reputable contemporary calligraphers, according to my teacher, can be seen as being either too soft or too forceful - but are still able to pass off as good enough. it's then, the master of masters who will have the sophistication of a firm yet flexible control of the brush with the appropriate use of gentleness/laxness that produces a harmony of strokes. this idea extends to any other sort of chinese craft or practice including traditional chinese medicine, and I believe, swordsmanship too. I'm taking a fucking leap of faith here to say this because I practise NO sort of (chinese) martial arts, I must caveat. (someone who does may want to say something...) but theoretically that should be how it works.

it is not for no rhyme or reason, or *handwaves* that lxy emerged to the top AND is almost undefeatable. among a competitive, forceful (ie. yang) wulin, li xiangyi stood out with a power and energy defined by yin (ie. gentleness and stability) that led him to create his signature 扬州慢 yangzhouman. it is characterised by 慢 slowness (my calligraphy teacher says to us all the time to take it slow), and also described by dfs as 中正绵长 - which I would best describe by painting a picture of a steady and stable stream. these precisely speak of the essence of a mastery of gentleness as strength to me.

conversely, dfs's way in mastering power is very largely premised on taking action because he literally had no other choice in the environment he grew up in. both of them develop in opposite ways. it was the case of gentleness for lxy clearly because he grew up in a safe, nurturing environment that had allowed him to be slow and steady at his own pace, drawing on his natural gifts.

now top of the wulin world at 17, li xiangyi founds sigu sect. li xiangyi, the boy before becoming menzhu and li xiangyi the leader of sigu sect are not the same.

how then did a (relatively) passive boy like lxy end up founding sigu sect. this lxy is the one who was fostered into competition - though not in an abusive, twisted way. in fact he was raised in a rather taoist way by his shifu: to be honest with yourself and respect your opponent. so he honoured whatever powers he had been bestowed with by nature. he gives into it. even so, at another level, I just have a sense that shifu and shiniang's competitive marital spat had an insidious effect on the boys...though the detrimental effect was more on sgd than lxy. baby lxy feels like a sweet-natured kid who was just in his own zone, you know - some (aka sgd) would say, too much of him even, to have not realised what was wrong at all with his shixiong for years.

that's not all of course. I've always gotten the vibes that his attitude behind forming sigu sect felt more like, this is what all the good men of jianghu do and I will have to do it now especially that I'm the best. it didn't feel particularly personal to me, but rather what would have been expected of him by the social climate of wulin jianghu (eg. lxy saying to 光耀师门 bring honour to his teacher). it's definitely not an expectation from his shifu, who explicitly told him that he was never expected to become a noble figure of any sort, but just to be alive and contented. as concluded by the man himself as li lianhua: "有些人入了江湖是为了立心，而有的人入江湖为的是立命。我却不知道自己真正想要的是什么。some people enter jianghu for the cultivation of the mind, others for a cultivation of a meaningful life. but I never knew what I truly wanted." he was ultimately, unwittingly a passive player in his own story of becoming the great sigu sect leader.

(at this point, as a side note, I do wonder if there were any other similar sects or alliances that function the same as sigu sect that came before it. because I'm damn well sure there must be something, as likely as there must have been generations of wulin legends who came before lxy. but of course, this is not what the story is concerned with at all and I'm ok with that.)

it's crucial to point out that, even despite this being the phase of his yang in the display of taking action and enacting firmness, lxy had still done sigu sect with the sole purpose and manner of upkeeping peace and order (in the way of the pro-universal love, anti-aggression mohist 侠 xia leader of the people). he's still very characterised by yin in my books, especially when vis-à-vis to sgd.

a li xiangyi full of himself and made himself too useful to the people was only bound for a great asteroidal fall, in the concept of 物极必反 - or in taoist lexicon 反者道之动 (ie. anything that has reached its limit will only start developing in the opposite direction). if you think you're above all, you can only go down.

this manifests during the next time he took action - and it was one so forceful that it overpowered even his opponent, dfs who ended up being the passive, receiving party in this case - was in initiating the battle at donghai 10 years ago... and gee oh boy. it didn't end well - for both of them, but even more so for lxy. (dfs was like 'tis but a scratch (shrugs)' as compared to him being ripped off his tendons by jiao liqiao like nezha did to the dragon prince. truth is he had to go into a 10-year healing retreat served by his entourage. :p) ok, I digress.

xiao zijin was quick to attribute sigu sect's fall to lxy's arrogance - in turn setting the stage for lxy's 10 years of self-hatred and the framing of lxy as a villain? irresponsible figure? by jianghu. (god forbid girls do anything! ok for legal reasons, this a joke.) lxy lost his mind in ways I believe he never had in his life there and then upon seeing his shixiong dead. so, you could say he led the jianghu world to ruins out of love (using this term loosely). but it feels inaccurate to say it's due to arrogance. he did not do that out of self-importance or ego, especially when the revenge for sgd was a collective decision made by sigu sect as we know from the flashback. so when llh pinned all fault on himself for being arrogant in the past, it is with caution to take his words because that's the unreliable narrator in him speaking.

anyway, it's precisely li xiangyi that is capable of bouncing back from such a fatal crisis, equipped with his yin and a mastery that gave him the power of flexibility.

it's extremely vital to re-establish that literally the only thing that was keeping li xiangyi alive, physically, as li lianhua is yangzhouman. (monk wuliao literally said that to lxy even though he did facilitate in saving him.) it's the yangzhouman that was drawn from lxy's mastery of yin. without yangzhouman, li xiangyi would not even have the chance to become li lianhua and undergo any needed process of transformation. without li xiangyi, there would have been no yangzhouman. no li xiangyi, no li lianhua, get it?

the point is not to deny the change li xiangyi wants to make and has made. but to acknowledge that change isn't about complete erasure and destruction. something from you survives. something in you had kept you alive to have you come so far, regardless of all the bad bits that you want to denounce of. you've always been worth it.

bringing back the thing about his new name: the distinction must be made that he did not pick it because it was feminine but it just so happened a feminine name had resonated with him. (read: he didn't necessarily identify as a woman but identified with femininity. at least within the parameters of canon text.)

he also made an interesting choice to retain his surname for someone who was desperate to sever ties from his past. hmm. or maybe he wasn't that desperate? when li lianhua says li xiangyi is dead, I believe it meant that li xiangyi the sigumen menzhu is dead rather than li xiangyi as an entirety. li lianhua is a returning to the path lxy could have gone if he did not establish sigu sect, the path that shifu wanted him to take. when he walked to the doors of sigu sect in the aftermath, nothing was actually stopping him from going back (people were still around and alive, instead of all dead people, you know)... except for himself. taking that action would have been too much for him. so he went with the flow of life giving him a chance at rebirth and walked away. there, inaction as a form of action.

zhan yunfei and qiao wanmian have said to li lianhua, oh that doesn't sound like li xiangyi at all. but has it been considered that, maybe it was sigu sect's lxy who wasn't the real lxy? sigu sect lxy was one big performance of the values of masculinity and heteronormativity that llh had came to an awareness of, and eventually struggle with again and resist against in the final year of his life. there had only been some glimpses of his true nature allowed (validated by fang duobing talking about lxy at his altar).

imho, most flashbacks of lxy during that period felt impersonal and more like a template of a hero expected to marry his girl at 18. going through all the motions and steps of a normative life even before he was old enough to grasp and explore his own identity and what it meant in the world. no wonder he denounced so much of what he had done as lxy including liking girls. walking away then also meant a walk away from those duties and expectations. li lianhua is li xiangyi liberated from masculine duties and heteronormative performance.

in doing that, he had the opportunity for the first time in his life to explore what he truly wanted, at least within the parameters of what he could afford to do at that point. he could go on to build a domestic, feminine life within the space of jianghu (as I've established here). it's a kind of feminine lifestyle that doesn't quite exist in mainstream society - being a woman there meant to stay put in a domestic space without much room to move socially. nor did it exist in wulin jianghu because even the women there like shi-guniang and jlq were expected to be masculine, aggressive, competitive. so building a mobile home in the space of jianghu is his way of defining the life he wants and can have. li lianhua is the extension of femininity in li xiangyi - and one that can be free.

it's also worth talking about in my opinion what is one of the most important and a favourite dihua moment: when dfs said to lxy that his greatest weakness was to like being a hero. and a swordsman should be without weaknesses. I'm forever wrapped up in how many layers this can be read in. was he mad at lxy for liking to be a hero or having weaknesses, or both? if the former, it was dfs criticising, based on lxy's public reputation, lxy's oversized illusions about being a hero - a figure of masculinity with an unrealistic sense to uphold noble goals eg. saving the world etc. that is actually perfectly logical coming from dfs, the straightforward, no-nonsense, morally neutral guy with no illusions about heroism (in this case, he feels more like a yin). but at the same time, we should understand that lxy's motivations behind the donghai battle are more personal than noble. if any, it was actually the opposite of noble - it was like he was acting out of the role of a caretaker of his family, and at a cost of the peace and order of jianghu he was set on guarding(!!) dfs also knew that lxy was there just for his shixiong. and so, dfs, who happens to be the epitome of yang, can be read as a symbol of masculinity disapproving of lxy for being sentimental and emotional; for having the "feminine" desires to simply want to defend his family (not saying those are exclusively feminine traits but they have been conventionally associated as feminine). I think both layers of reading are correct and should work together to contribute to the complexity of their characters. (we can see how it contributes to lxy and dfs being the perfect yinyang halves to each other, which I will come back to briefly touch on later.)

for 10 years he lived a life of seclusion and staying-in-his-own-lane a taoist would be proud of. he knew he was dying and has always been ok with dying, as he claimed. but did he want to die? to think of it, it was the opposite. because in those 10 years when he could have 100% just taken action to take his own life, he didn't. in fact, he lived on and took care of himself in the way shifu wanted him to. he had simply preferred letting nature run its course. if bicha didn't take him, he wasn't gonna do anything. but if he died one day very soon, he would be ok with it too. sure, he was maybe banking on a lead to sgd's whereabouts to appear during his last years alive but that clearly wasn't the only thing on his mind for NINE years because he didn't actively go out seeking for that either. this is basically him telling dfs that he would just lie in the sun and wait for the sweet release of death, if dfs were to force him to fight. not even the mortal threat from dfs was enough to move him into action of fighting back or killing himself.

time and again, lxy as llh was dragged into fdb's cases but not only that, he also maintained an impersonal distance with them. it's starkly different from the usual (wuxia) hero archetypes (for eg. fdb) who would be more impassioned and personally invested in the plight of the victims- or unlike most seemingly aloof protagonists who would somehow grow emotionally invested over time. one of the many things I love about llh is that he never tries a second time to persuade people out of their decisions he finds unwise (eg. him just wanting to move on in response to the girls in 女宅 insisting on staying behind with their slave master at first.) he will not interfere in other people's choices made in their own lives. it's not his business. he didn't even want to be there, to be honest.

however as the story progresses, more and more people - especially men, his past, and the leads to the truth came back to demand and taunt him into doing something. they vary from well-meaning people without any harm intended such as fdb intruding upon his private space completely uninvited and qwm wanting him back; to dfs merely seeking him as a mean to an end initially (eg. I only need him to live long enough to have one last fight); and finally, on the other end of the spectrum, outright aggressive and hostile people like sgd and xzj who wanted him to die. under all this pressure, he tried his best to deflect, but he does waver especially when it comes to matters concerning the people he cares about aka his obsession wish of 10 years of looking for sgd's remains that had lied low until fdb entered his life, and then later on taking revenge for his shifu.

looking for sgd became his final bid at taking action. he was operating on a slim chance of getting some emotional closure from finding out his shixiong is dead for real, yes. what a good plan. but objectively unnecessary. or surprise! uhhh...finding out his beloved shixiong is actually alive and would strangle him for one corn chip? AND OH NO IT GOT WORSE- uncovering a devastating truth about his shifu's death that he could have totally gone on with life fine without knowing if he had continued not caring.

but it is sometimes just impossible not to care - it is only human to care. and he is human, not an icon in the image of a hero. so he took a chance, once more, and it killed him in unprecedented ways. it's donghai all over again. things in life don't go as planned. you fuck around and it fucks you back. finding out the truth behind his shifu's death and his family background from the past did nothing for him as li lianhua living in the present.

it's no wonder that this lxy decisively relinquishes the desire to take action in the end. he goes back to letting nature run its course. and this time, stands firmly to it despite everyone begging him otherwise. wangchuan flower could only give him a recovery (or survival?) rate of 30%. there's a 70% chance of failure and even in the 30% he was not sure what he was to become. in comparison, dfs took a 10% chance game of survival in a heartbeat, and it pushed him to new heights. that's how they differ: he thrives by taking risks and action while lxy the other way round. so, something like that has happened before and he wants none of it again.

he leaves lotus tower, only taking his horse and a sack - relinquishing almost every other material belonging he had - and sets off on a journey. before xzj interrupted...where to was he going?? I wonder. we don't know for sure, I think? and are we allowed to know? that makes the scene he had with xzj an understated inflection point in the very last part of his journey. yes, he was already on his way to...maybe die? but not necessarily. you don't have to travel distances with your belongings for that, right? or speak to dfs personally about not wanting to fight? (borrowing one of @ananeiah's takes.) regardless, he was definitely leaving behind jianghu - not only wulin jianghu (he already did that 10 years ago), but also the jianghu space he had carved out in the last 10 years.

what sparked the decision to jump off the cliff in him was dfs's words from the night of their wedding 10th donghai anniversary: 横扫天下容易，断相夷太剑不易 conquering the world is easy, breaking xiangyi sword is not. in the original context, dfs was talking about defeating lxy being harder than conquering the world. but when it came to this scene, it was to lxy about forsaking the very last worldly possessions he had after already giving up on lotus tower and hulijing (including releasing his horse), especially his only connection left to swordsman lxy.

perhaps it had dawned on him that, wanting things at all was bad for him. in the last 10 years, he lived a life of seclusion, wanting very little. but he had still wanted things. there were still things he couldn't let go of that had led him to this state. despite having lived on an identity inspired by a buddhist teaching for 10 years, maybe it was only at this point that he was finally the closest to reaching an understanding of it. (I wish I was knowledgeable enough right now to dive into the possible buddhist reading here but alas. I'll leave it to our resident expert @markiafc)

it doesn't quite matter in the end where he was going after all. what mattered was that he literally went where the water took him and we're not supposed to know where it ends. I'm not seeing this in a bad and pessimistic way though. I think the relief in all this is that he had tried his best to within his abilities. also it's a form of enlightenment in relinquishing a desire, an obsession, a need to take any more action in order to live well. thus his ending felt to me relatively tender, empowering, and kind - albeit bittersweet and heartaching - than other possible kinds of ending, in a story where it was very possible for him to have died under the knives of his opponents or bicha at any moment, outside of his control.

if you've come so far in this post, congratulations! but also a reveal is that... you're not immune to the dihua propaganda threaded throughout this post. :P

as mentioned, other men like sgd and xzj in lxy's life were incredibly hostile to him. their yang nature overwhelmingly powers his yin. but dfs is different. dfs is the yang counterpart that fits perfectly to his yin.

dfs's yang is one that contains yin, that mirrors lxy's balance of yang in yin. it was suggested in text they are yinyang-coded meant to complement each other, given that whenever wangchuan flower's yin vs yang properties were discussed, the two men were always spoken about in the same breath. more importantly, as with the above few analyses of dfs's words playing a big role in shaping of lxy's choices with multiple meanings - as well as their day-to-day interactions - we can see that they constantly play off each other.

dfs's yang energy has been used to help lxy prolong his life (though not saving him entirely), while lxy has used his yin energy to save dfs and subsequently helped him attain his breakthrough. dfs has also helped lxy in his breakthrough of yin but not in the same way as dfs's cultivation of his combative powers, and rather, it's for lxy an understanding of his own path to take in life - a cultivation of the mind (both times 10 years before and after). given how significant dfs is in the shaping of lxy's realisation of the yin path - alike his shifu has, it's no wonder that they were the only two people lxy had imagined in his last sword dance of a farewell to jianghu.

with each of them coming together to form the perfect yin-yang model, they're a harmony of yin and yang representing the cosmos. what I also love is that they didn't start out as a perfect fit, but only towards the end of the story was the harmonisation completed, which makes sense for two components that are always in a flux influencing each other. the fact that they were number 1 and 2 of wulin, and being the only ones capable of understanding each other in a level nobody else could... it all reinforces the cosmic sense of their relationship. they're the halves to a whole, fitting in a specific way nobody else can.

(I mean. technically this is going into the space of extrapolation based on a tangential interpretation of canon text, so do take it with a pinch of salt. but of course this pinch of salt can do wonders for a shipper's feast... :P and this certainly could have been a meta of its own expanding on dfs's side of the analysis, but this is it for now in this context.)

to think of it, li xiangyi has actually died more than that one time that turned him into li lianhua. first was a death of him as a nanyin royalty - I resent having to bring up nanyin like it should hold any weight to the narrative as far as I'm concerned, but the point being that he had a completely different (familial-based) life before that still stands. then he had a rebirth as li xiangyi, disciple and swordsman to his shifu and shiniang, and later died again when li xiangyi the sigu sect leader took over. lxy the sigu sect leader died at sea in the battle 10 years ago and came back as li lianhua. (just like nezha, died after battling at east sea and rebirthed from the lotus) li lianhua then dies by the end of the drama.

there can be a myriad of interpretations as to what exactly happened to him, including the possibility that he's still alive. regardless, we can agree that li lianhua as an identity has ran its course, and he had to evolve again. but into what form?

in the line of thought of yin and femininity, and how his transformation has been in an increasing degree of presentation of femininity - even way back when I was watching the show, I had the idea of him living socially as a woman post-li lianhua. I don't know what he would be realistically doing or what could be practical for him in such an identity. but conceptually it was sensible and compelling to me before diving deeper into the details. (I have more elaboration to do on this that I won't be talking about here publicly but it is in the same strain of idea as this other comparative meta I wrote.)

I think the next possible identity lxy can assume - alive in the material realm or not - is one that will be beyond a material being. a nameless entity. once you've gone through the phases of life - from not knowing to knowing, and perfecting knowledge, then to the surpassing of knowledge - you surpass all worldly existence, and become one with the cosmos.

I end this off with an excerpt from Tao Te Ching's Chapter 41 (I'm not pretending to have read the whole book ok but I couldn't resist including this):

明道若昧，进道若退，夷道若纇 [...] 道隐无名 The bright path seems dim; Going forward seems like retreat; The easy way seems hard [...] The Tao is hidden and without name. (x)

the character translated into "easy" is the same 夷 yi of li xiangyi's name. somehow this seems to encapsulate the journey of his life: one that seems blessed and smooth-sailing but ending up to be rocky and turbulent. but at the end of the day, after all that he had been through, he will become hidden and without name.

#莲花楼 #mysterious lotus casebook #lhl #lhlmeta #my posts #a big win for the inaction fandom. lxy would have been patron saint #this inevitably turned into a 'lhl is a taoist and buddhist story if not a very chinese story' meta hbhjbjhbhjjb #the last thing i do before going to sleep is write this meta. the first thing i do after waking up is write this meta.#i feel so insane writing this. it kept growing like a monster. do you think this is a joke it's like my part-time job now #but it's one of the few times in my life i have confidence in my insanity. so.#crazier thing is. this meta is approaching 6k words yet i still think there must be things i haven't covered.#the last section is so nuts idk how i even wrote it guys i think i was possessed #it's also like the most pretentious way to put that he's dead in this world ok hjbjhbhjbhjbjbh #to be clear iirc the drama didn't say LXY'S POWER/ENERGY IS YIN in the same way it literally said dfs's energy is yang #but it's definitely implied by the explanation of the flower's healing properties for both of them. on top of yangzhouman #also fuck. another reason he didn't choose to save himself was so dfs could have the yang flower which he believed was what dfs wanted #thank u frens mark and ana for indulging my brain in the first time i brought the lxy as woman thing up. for it to have come this far #ofc disclaimer is that a lot of this is my own reading. it doesnt have to be agreed by everyone #i would be very happy though if any part of it resonated with anybody #also a good part of the analysis is based on my memory of the show. though i did revisit parts selectively to verify. sooooo. yeah.

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elialys · 3 months

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Helen's soft love for Dale

#Anna Torv #Helen Norville #Helen x Dale #helendale #The Newsreader #be patient with me im back to having a bit of a situation #which involves anna's face a lot who is shocked #im all in my feels when it comes to helen's love for dale ok #this woman is so full of '!!!!!!!' and then she looks at her bi babygirl like this im unwell #150% believe it's reciprocal too dale loves her so much #i will die on that hill #even if michael lucas pushes me off a cliff with season 3 #gifs*

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skrunksthatwunk · 3 months

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#banana fish #yut lung lee #lee yut lung #im not going to explain myself. jk um yll's two looks are women's clothing and dysphoria sweaters #or at least like 80% of them #and when characters mistake yll for/compare yll to a woman there's zero pushback or correction #and yll talks about being girly on the inside too and just. idk ok #like no i dont want to compare yll to western gender standards but yll wears chinese women's clothing/hairstyles #it's not just different cultural standards it's intentionally wearing fem clothes from that culture #look maybe estrogen would give her something to live for idk #like all hcs i think there's a bunch of other ways to view yll's gender that are good but idk i like this one 👍#also to be so real i just hit characters i like with the transgenderfication beam a lot so #i think i saw a gimmick blog doing this question but uh. i dont feel like finding it and submitting sorry #hope its ok if me and the other like 40 bf fans on here have this one #thats so crazy i just noticed the color palette i chose.... more like blue lung lee am i right

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clumsycapitolunicorn · 5 months

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it's been nearly 6 months since the ted lasso finale and im still pretty much:

#ted lasso #messing with us tedbecca shippers and giving rebecca some rando...ruining a canon ship...trying to girl boss a character-#-who you didn't even let have her own work plot when it was time...#making two men who had a beautiful relationship growth fight last minute over said girlboss and making them grossly misogynistic #leaving one of your characters in an ab*s*ve relationship was an awful woman and all the mentioned ab*s*ve moments were-#-just for sh*ts and giggles #ohhh and also making it mandatory to forgive even the sh*tty people when it's ok not to #taking your lead away from a place he was most stable and maybe or maybe not having him get back with his ex who told him he was too much..#-got with their therapist (and you never dig deep into that mess) and maybe cheated...#yes to be with his son but there were options for him to stay in london and bring his kid and ex so they could both parent or show a-#representation of these kind of situations and maybe have henry living with each parent 6 months each and getting the best of both worlds #also your boss is more rich than she started and was providing for you your kid and ex #instead we get ted only deciding to leave after his mother told him his kid missed him (as if that isn't obvious) such a weak way to go-#-about it and tbh ted leaving his kid far away to go to london instead of like half an hour way is kind of stupid all round really #they wanted a mary poppins situation except mary poppins made some roots of her own and had connections so it didn'twork #yeah i am still...feeling a lot

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killerchickadee · 7 months

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I feel like it's a little cringey to say "Yeah Good Omens helped me figure out my gender identity" but like. It gave me the concept of being able to look like *gender* and use that gender's pronouns and be mostly cool with being perceived as that gender, but not actually be that gender.

Like occasionally I might feel a little bit like a girl (but never like a woman) but most of the time I'm agender, and I think there's a lot of pressure in the queer community to present a certain way or use different pronouns if you're anywhere on that spectrum. And it's totally awesome that that works for a lot of people. But I always kind of felt like if I'm cool looking like a girl and using she/her then I couldn't claim any kind of gender fuckery.

But Crowley and Aziraphale both (usually) look like men and use male pronouns but aren't actually men? Oh cool, I can do that? Good to know.

#i mean i certainly don't look like a FEMININE girl but i do wear makeup and all that #people just think I'm a tomboy or a punk and I've always been ok with that #as long as I'm not being sexualized i don't care how people perceive me #but if gender was a buffet I'd take a tiny bite of girl and say yeah no thank you to a full serving #good omens #my hatred of the word woman has always been a ??? to me like i am SO uncomfortable being called a woman #i don't identify as a man but I'm even cool with being called that #just the word woman makes me feel gross #so that's some kind of hangup i have #unfortunately I'm Old so that's probably how a lot of people perceive me #can't win 'em all i guess

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perenlop · 26 days

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what do you mean that rgu, the show everyone claims is so much more feminist than torture porn male gazey pmmm, which is bad bc it was directed by a man which means its for men apparently so none of its messages abt misogyny are worth taking seriously…….. was also written by a man.

#LIIIIIKE. THE WAY PPL TALKED ABT RGU I WAS LIKE #‘’oh ok this must be a lot better in how it handles irs themes or it goes over better w ppl bc it was written by a woman then right?#like they want me to check out a female led show? totally understandable’’#BUT NO!!!!!!!! RGU IS ALSO CREATED BY A MAN!!!!!#like ik urobuchi has a rep hes cringe i get it but if we are only going by the metric that hes a guy…#im not saying its a bad thing either of these shows criticizing misogyny are made by men #but mannnnnnn does this whole thing feel a lot more ridiculous now. youre telling me you werent actually #advocating for more attention on a woman-led show.#echoed voice #have to emphasize that i dont think this is an L for either show ftr #its just…. ridiculous

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thats-a-weird-warning-sign · 9 months

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congrats on finishing your exams, may i request a camilith + 20?

20 - A kiss on a scar So full disclosure this got away from me a bit...

Camila has always struggled with patience. There’d bever been the time for it - she’d had too much to do, siblings to care for and a mother to coax through each day. She had a father to mind and a stepfather to avoid. She’d wake with the dawn and be moving through until the darkest part of the night. She had no time for patience, so the convent was a bit of a shock, at the beginning.

It was a shock for more than that, obviously. There was the shock of the gunfight, the shock of the deal-gone-wrong, the shock of seeing your stepfather point a gun at you. There was the shock of cold water; off the bridge to avoid a bullet, wild with fear and half convinced this was all a fever dream.

The shock on her mother’s face was the loudest, hurt the most – when Camila had come home bloodied and bedraggled, clutching a fistful of notes barely cleaner than the river water, pressed her shaking hands to her mother’s, kissed her sisters goodbye and fled.

The shocks started to lose meaning after that. The shock of her father, barely sober enough to drive but parked outside a house he hadn’t laid eyes on in a decade – with the address of the nearest convent already pulled up on an ancient satnav, a grim smile and bloodied knuckles.

A convent was not the way Camila had been planning to reinvent herself, after she got out – but if nothing else, she was resourceful. There’s only so resourceful you can be in a stone building older than the United States of America, however – and it didn’t take long before Camila – novitiate camila – was being transferred to somewhere her skills might be a little better utilised.

It was beautiful to be back in Spain, but it hurt. Camila didn’t expect it to ever stop hurting – but she was resourceful. She learned new skills, swore she’d never again have to plunge into icy water to end a fight, and she never wrote home. She didn’t even think of home, she didn’t think of her sisters or her mother, she didn’t worry if her father was drinking himself to death or if her mother had fallen back into that sad empty stupor.

She forgot her name, she laid it to rest, she’d died in that river.

She had to have died in that river.

She never expected it to stop hurting - those sorts of wounds don’t; they ache forever, and worse in the winter.

The first winter after her death is a quiet one. Spain is cold, as cold as it ever gets. Balmy compared to Caithness, but of course - she’s never lived in Caithness, wouldn’t know the difference - doesn’t miss the wind that makes your face burn.

Instead, she is swallowed entirely by a cathedral that is as beautiful as it is deadly – surrounded by women who have their own hidden, aching wounds. Camila has never been religious, but there is something about the OCS that makes the act of worship - the act of honing a body to a razor edge and sending it out to cut and dress an offering - far more real than stale bread and watery wine.

Camila is adaptable.

Camila is adaptable, and resourceful, and so painfully lonely it has almost stopped hurting. But then, on Christmas eve, or very very early on Christmas morning, long after midnight mass, long after she should have been tucked into her narrow bed, she sits at a piano that sounds like it’s older than the church itself, and she plays. She plays quietly, delicate with the silence thick around her, afraid to shatter it with a duff note. She plays and she hums, and she tries with all that she has not to think of home.

Shannon, Sister Shannon, Warrior Nun and honoured leader of the OCS in spirit and body, finds her sat staring at her hands in silence. She folds her long, lethal body to sit beside Camila at the piano bench, smiles a rueful smile.

They don’t speak of much, but the memory of that conversation – of the sleep hazy chill, sat shoulder to shoulder with a woman who Camila is supposed to believe carries a shard of the divine – that memory sits heavy for a long time.

It sits heavier after Shannon is gone. It sits heavier when Sister Beatrice stands at her shoulder in tight-lipped silence, a wan smile and faint assurance that Camila’s second field mission will go better than the first. It settles into a steady weight after that, a pressure on her bones that makes her creak at the hinges as she hacks into police databases and hijacks security cameras – as she storms strobe lit laboratories and shoots glowing arrows at a demon she can see only in the carnage it leaves behind and the fear in the eyes of the resurrected woman running from her.

The new pain and the old pain burn together for a while, as the weather draws in and the skies darken and the new warrior nun runs from them time and again. Lilith is killed, and Camila sees the weight on Mary’s shoulders double – couldn’t hope to understand the history but recognises the ache in the stoop of strong shoulders.

She’s had scars aplenty, collected them like badges of honour for a while – had them pinned upon her by more hands than she could count. The scars the OCS gives her are a little different, a little deeper. They’re cleaner than the memory of barbed wire that gives texture to the field of poppies that wraps her bicep, or the burn that silvers the swords on her forearm. Camila doesn’t even see them anymore. She’s carried worse, is under no illusion that she will carry worse once again. At least her scars and her aching, burning wounds are of this world. Camila knows her pain, knows its cause and can tell when the weather will turn an aching to a gnawing.

Under fluorescents once again, with an invitation this time – cool glass and air conditioning soothing the weight of cloth and hood, she watches Ava bend the laws of physics and fall into Beatrice’s arms as if her gravity was suddenly greater than earth’s. There are scars there too, she knows, but the two of them together look set to soften each other’s sharp edges.

Camila has never had a scar ripped open again, guards old wounds carefully like any good soldier; the skin is weaker there, aches to bleed once more.

Lilith rends a tear in the skin of the world, falls through a door and a hole in reality, here and alive and raw and as confused as Camila is. They sit together, and Camila chooses to smile, chooses to dress another’s wounds. They sit together for a scant few hours, and Lilith weeps and burns with a pain that Camila can see will break her. Camila has dressed more wounds than she can count, but there is no gauze for this, no salve to ease the fear in Lilith’s eyes.

Camila is not patient, and it is for the best – their days run helter-skelter into chaos, they roam far and wide, they unearth a monster, commit the most brazen act of destruction of property Camila has ever attempted.

They are betrayed.

Camila is not patient. They run again, lose Mary to a sea of clawing hands and screaming. She dresses a deep gash in her own thigh, cleans masonry dust from Beatrice’s grazed forehead, washes the blood from Ava’s knuckles even as the halo sews skin back together.

They run, but at least she’s free of the habit. They run, from the church and the demon they released - and from their own sister.

Camila had seen that Lilith’s pain was too great to bear. Sometimes, she wishes she was wrong about these things – that practice didn’t make perfect.

Ava’s curious hands find the scars on her arms, trace the ink that hides them. Beatrice deftly re-stitches Camila’s thigh when she pushes too hard, when blood soaks her third-hand cargo pants and draws attention that they cannot afford.

Lilith comes to her, sometimes – in the darkest part of the night. The first time, Camila draws steel against her, has a knife to Lilith’s throat in a half second of adrenaline. Her fear drives the blade into flesh that hisses with fire as it heals, silvered and scaled and whole again. Lilith’s eyes burn too, in the dark – her words burn, acidic, angry – at everything and everyone. She stays just long enough to insult each of her sole surviving sisters, but Camila can hear the grief laying thick behind the fury.

Mother Superion sends them coordinates, sends them into warehouses and factories, sends them after whispers of twisted miracles. She sends them into fistfights, gunfights, fights for their lives. She sends them to fight for the lives of others – Ava learns a hundred ways to tell her sisters of the possessed – shorthand gestures, a change in posture. Camila would swear sometimes that Beatrice reads the thoughts straight out of Ava’s head.

Sometimes, Mother Superion sends them coordinates to slaughterhouses – the fight they anticipate already long over, the remains of their enemies left - bloody afterthoughts, or offerings.

Lilith’s visits track slowly westward, cataloguing the scattered safehouses and motels that mark their journey back to Malaga, to the fluorescent-lit labs and hungry cathedrals that began this. She appears in fire in courtyards, on roofs, in graveyards – never again setting foot in whatever bare space Camila is sleeping in. The first thing Camila sees each time Lilith steps out of the fire and into the light is the delicate silvered scar over her right common carotid – the artery hidden under scales that catch and throw light like cut glass.

Lilith comes bloodied and grim, comes silent, comes roaring her fury, comes weeping her failure. Lilith hunts Mary, haunts those who might have taken her. Camila aches, carries the weight of another loss - wishes she’d named herself Judith as she’d crawled from the river, counts the lost causes as they sit around the breakfast table.

Camila is not patient, but she is observant, and she has learnt the skill of walking diagonally toward something you want so as not to spook it into flight. Camila is not patient, but she is resourceful; she has learned how to be many things to many people, so it is a pleasant surprise to be asked to be no one other than herself. Camila is not patient, but there are some things she is willing to try for.

Lilith comes for the last time in the evening, stumbles from shadows trembling and bleeding. Lilith has never appeared where Beatrice may see her – has not faced Ava since the Vatican, but now she falls to her knees not two steps from the aged sofa they’re resting on. Camila jolts from the table, scatters half-fletched bolts and oiled blades in her hurry to press hands to Lilith’s bleeding wounds. Lilith trembles under her hands, bloodied up to her hairline and gasping for every breath.

She says Mary is gone and the shape of her sprawled here makes sense. She says Mary is gone and Beatrice turns to stone, Ava the only one able to voice her pain.

Mary is gone, Lilith weeps, scaled hands upturned, head bowed in supplication. All of Lilith’s scars are highlighted in silver. Camila runs soft hands over rough-plated shoulders, warmth burning beneath her palms.

Camila isn’t patient, but she has some knowledge of passing through death and having to press on through the other side of it. She has some experience of walking back into a home and finding that all of a sudden it sits wrong in the shoulders and the sleeves are too short and someone has moved the table 3 inches to the left. Camila isn’t patient, but she is sorry.

Later, when Lilith has cried herself out, Camila will coax her upright and cajole a mug of tea into her hands. She will lead her gently by the hand into their dingy bathroom to wipe the blood from her brow, she will press the softest clothes they have into her shaking hands. She will tuck Lilith beneath a pile of blankets and sit with her until exhaustion takes her. Then she will check on the rest of her sisters. Then she will cry.

Now, Lilith weeps into her shoulder, presses her forehead into Camila’s collarbone hard enough to hurt. Camila lets her cry, hushes hands up and down a shivering spine. Camila is not patient, but she understands that a vessel can only contain so much before it spills; before it cracks. Camila cups the back of Lilith’s head and presses her lips to the only place she can reach - the only place she deserves. The scales had looked like glass each time they drew her eye, but they are warm, soft. Beneath her lips Lilith’s pulse runs fast and strong.

Camila isn’t patient, but some things are worth waiting for.

#whoops this is over 2k #camila my beloved #Lilith my fave sopping wet beast of a woman #I just have a lot of feelings about them ok #Inflicting my Camila backstory on you all you're so welcome #This was v fun I have not written in Months sorry it is rusty #Anon prompt #Warrior nun #Siggy writes things

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