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tino2410 · 2 years

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Everything and nothing all at once pt. 2

An entirely unnecessary retelling of the scene in Akk's bedroom in ep 8, except it follows my last chapter where their first kiss happened on the boat and Akk finds the strength to be a little more honest (just a little bit).

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He had to leave. Akk had felt his body vibrate from the need to get away from Ayan and the way he wouldn’t stop looking at him as if he was able to read all the thoughts in his head.

The kiss on the boat had opened a kaleidoscope of emotions. Relief, want, understanding. Yet the most prevalent one, when his heart had finally started beating normally and he could focus on the water around them again, had been fear.

When he had broken apart - allowed tears to fall while silently trying to quiet the thoughts in his head - he’d been thankful for Ayan’s silence. The way he just held him as they sat huddled together at the stern of his dad’s boat and how he allowed Akk’s tears to fall without calling it out or asking for an explanation. He’d reveled in the way Ayan stroked his back and showed support without having to talk about it. So when he had felt Ayan straighten out and his body move away from him, Akk had been quick to silence any words the other boy was about to say with a clearing of his throat and a hand across his face to wipe away any remnants of salty tears.

“We better get back,” he had said, and when Ayan wanted to prod - ask questions that Akk felt too vulnerable to answer - he had sent a desperate look Ayan’s way that must have been enough to keep the other boy silent. Even as Akk started the boat and steered it back towards the shore.

Back towards the others, where he could use their presence as an excuse to deal with his emotions on his own.

He hadn’t expected Ayan to reach out to him with a confident hand and demand answers as they reached the shore. He had not expected the encompassing fear that grew in him when he realized that his parents and the boys could be watching, and the anger that manifested in himself after that short moment of fearlessness he felt on the boat wore out. He hadn’t expected it, but the feeling was nothing different than the fear he’s been feeling every time he finds Ayan too close for comfort, or the anger when he feels the urge to pull him even closer.

He had heard the pleas and the sadness in Ayan’s voice when he asked for an explanation and he saw the desperate look in his eyes when he dared, for once, to push a little too much.

Talk to me.

Are you going to pretend nothing happened?

You have the right to follow your heart.

Did he? Could he?

He had felt a moment of fearlessness on the boat. A moment where everything came together and his body just went for it. Now, in the aftermath, it’s difficult to understand how he could’ve been so reckless. It was suddenly clear, there on solid ground with his parents only a few feet away and the other boys probably finishing their morning routine by the sea, that giving in and allowing himself a taste had been a bad idea.

You have the right to follow your heart.

The words play on loop as he remembers the resigned look Ayan gave him when Akk pried his arm out of his hold and turned his back on him to go hide in his old bedroom. Because Ayan was right. Something did happen on the boat. Something that put the puzzle in Akk’s mind together, but scrambled the pieces further at the same time.

Like Akk was able to - for the first time in forever - see the picture that the pieces could make, but then the fear of what the image meant made him tear it apart in the hopes that it would be different were he ever to put the pieces back together again.

It had hurt leaving Ayan on the beach, but it doesn’t stop the relief he feels now that he’s alone and his heart can finally get back to its normal rhythm and he can take a moment to think.

He’s standing by the window in his childhood bedroom. It overlooks the beach and from his vantage point, Akk can see the tent and his friends milling around playing games and making jokes under the guise of packing up their stuff. His mind is elsewhere though, still stuck on his dad’s boat and Ayan’s thumb brushing his cheek as his lips opened further to grant Akk access. He can’t help the hand that comes up to his lips, stroking across the plush skin in an effort to kill the tingles that spread across them at the memory.

You have the right to follow your heart.

“Who is it?” he asks, and he can’t help the edge in his voice.

When the door opens and Ayan walks in with a short “me,” not even asking if he can step inside or if it’s okay that he’s there, Akk can’t help the anger that builds in his chest. Ayan is pushing again, and this time it feels like he’s pushing just a bit too far.

“Shameless,” he says as he stalks up to him. “Get out before my parents see you.”

It’s a low blow, he can tell by the caged look that comes over Ayan that the words hurt before his eyes turn fiery much like they were on the beach a few minutes earlier.

“Why, Akk? You keep saying you’re afraid people will see. What if they do? Can’t two male friends spend time together?”

Akk falters at that. He wants to argue that this isn’t like that, but that would only prove Ayan’s point. Because this does feel different than it would’ve with Khan or Wat. Akk has never wanted to kiss Khan or Wat and their presence alone doesn’t make the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. It’s different, because yes, of course, two male friends can spend time together, but it’s become clear to Akk that he can no longer pretend not to be affected by Ayan, and with that knowledge comes the fear of other people noticing.

“I don’t know,” he replies, because saying yes or no to the question will just tell Ayan too much. “But I’m not okay with it. Get out”

I need you to leave so I can think.

He tries to make Ayan leave, even takes his arm and pushed him towards the door, but Ayan is having none of it. “Hold on,” he begins. “Aren’t you going to ask me why I’m here?”

“Why are you here?”

He needs Ayan to leave. Needs him to explain why he’s here and then leave the way he arrived before anyone finds them together or Akk gives in and says things he shouldn’t be saying.

Ayan just smiles at the question. The cocky one Akk hates. “Can I borrow your underwear?”

“What!?”

The question makes Akk stop.

“You’re not so much bigger than me, I guess we can share. Can I borrow yours?”

What the hell is going on?

“No! Borrow someone else’s.”

“No,” Ayan copies, “I’m borrowing yours.”

Akk can’t do anything but look resigned, unable to be completely surprised by Ayan’s change in pace since this seems to be exactly what Akk has come to expect. When Ayan walks over to his overnight backpack and starts rummaging through it in search of underwear, though, Akk moves and pushes him away.

“Don’t just rummage things,” he says. “I’ll find it for you.”

Ayan smiles widely at his words, looking satisfied as he walks over to Akk’s bed and drops down unceremoniously. Akk hates how his mind always seems to lose when it comes to the other boy, but he huffs out and starts going through his stuff. It doesn’t take him long until his hands come back with a pair of grey boxers and he then walks over to Ayan, handing them over in the hope that the boy will leave faster.

“Here.”

Ayan just smiles at him as he hands the item over, and Akk is prepared to back off and ask Ayan to leave when Ayan’s hand closes around his wrist, pulling himself up until they are face to face again. Akk doesn’t get to look into his eyes before Ayan pulls him in and closes his arms around his back, pulling their bodies together and placing his chin on his shoulder in a hug.

Ayan still smells like the ocean. Salty and sunkissed - so much like Akk’s favorite smell. The arms around his waist are careful but comforting, and Akk doesn’t know if it’s the shock of it or just the hug itself, but he goes rigid and melts into it all at once, not pushing Ayan away even as one of Ayan’s hands start stroking in circles between his shoulder blades. His hand still holding the gray boxers, itches with the need to circle Ayan’s waist and lean into the hug further.

What if anyone sees?

As soon as the thought enters his head, he pulls back, away from the warmth of Ayan’s body and the careful hands on his back as they fall away leaving him cold and unsure.

“Shortstop, let go. Or I’ll punch you”

Stop, it’s too much.

He hates the empty threat as soon as it leaves his mouth. He wants to take the words back, and swallow them before they ever see the light of day, but the frustration from Ayan’s inability to let him breathe is too much.

A sick part of him hopes the words are strong enough to force Ayan away, hopes that the other boy will give up and go back to their friends who are probably messing around with the tent as Akk tried to hold himself together.

Ayan only looks determined as the words reach him though.

“Look into my eyes, Akk. Do it,” he says and Akk can’t help but do anything else. He looks, stares for a few seconds, but as he sees the emotions swimming in the brown eyes staring back at him, he has to look away. **It hurts to look into eyes that show so many emotions, because seeing them, means having to deal with how it makes him feel.

“I won’t do it,” he says.

I can’t, it hurts too much.

He then feels a hand at his neck. The same one that held him so carefully while on his dad’s boat. The same hand that coaxed his lips apart and thumbed away tears as they fell across his cheeks.

“You must,” Ayan says as their eyes connect again, his other hand coming up to hold his face steady, making him unable to look away.

You have the right to follow your heart.

The words ring in his head as he looks at the boy in front of him, eyes looking so much like they did on the boat this morning when Akk wanted to drown in them.

You have the right to follow your heart.

Akk can’t help the tears that burn the edges of his eyes as Ayan stares back. He can feel the warmth radiating off him, and can see how much he wants to talk.

“Tell me how you feel,” he says, and Akk feels broken.

I can’t

I can’t.

He feels a sob at the back of his throat. Feels it building and getting so big that he has to fight to keep it in. He can’t allow himself to let it out, so instead, he just stands still, entranced by Ayan’s eyes on him and the way his thumbs keep rubbing at the tension in his jaw.

Realizing that Akk is unable to resist or pull away Ayan moves one of his hands to his, letting the underwear drop to Akk’s bed before he takes both his hands in his own. Akk is too stunned to speak as Ayan carefully pulls their hands towards his own face until Akk cradles him, brown eyes boring into his as if daring him to remove them.

When he understands that Akk can’t focus on anything but the way Ayan’s face fits perfectly in the palms of his hands, he carefully moves his own back to Akk’s face. The moment feels more intimate than their kiss earlier, and Akk feels bared as he stands in front of Ayan, unable to look away from the beauty in his hands.

The tears still lining his eye threaten to fall as Ayan speaks.

“I will tell you my feelings and you will tell me yours. Okay?”

He can’t reply. Can only keep on looking at the other boy. The warmth in the eyes looking at him keeps him rooted in place, even as the words reach his ears and fear starts rising in his stomach.

When Ayan speaks again, Akk has to focus on holding himself together.

“Your face is warm just like a warm cup of coffee. And I love it when I get to look into you in the eyes.”

Akk is drowning.

“I want to kiss you again,” Ayan says then, and Akk’s heart stops. “Can I kiss you?”

You have the right to follow your heart.

He can’t say the words - can seem to utter a response - but he is able to breathe, keep his eyes on Ayan, and stay still as he moves closer.

When their lips meet this time, it’s still gentle and slow, but Ayan’s lips are persistent. It’s sweet, but his lips taste of more urgency than they did on the boat. Like he has something to prove. They stand there, sunlight glowing through the window shielding them from the outside, hands carefully holding each other’s faces, and Akk melts. He loves the way Ayan’s breath tickles his face from where it hits his cheek, and he loves how their lips just rest against each other without the need to do anything else.

He can’t help the few tears that give in and cascades down his cheeks when he sees Ayan’s small smile as they separate. He doesn’t miss the water filling his eyes too, and he wants to hug Ayan’s body against his in hopes of making them disappear, but he knows he can’t.

“Can you tell me now how you feel about me?”

You have the right to follow your heart.

“Can you, Akk?”

You have the right to follow your heart.

Akk feels breathless as Ayan stares at him hopefully, a lone tear clinging to his upper lip. Like Akk has the possibility to fix things, like what he says next can change everything. And Akk knows it will.

“I-,” he begins but the words are once again caught in his throat. He wants to look away in the hope that not looking at Ayan can make his head clear, but he feels frozen, unable to do anything but softly stroke the soft skin of Ayan’s jaw.

“I want-”

“What do you want Akk?”

Ayan is so open, voice soft as if terrified of scaring him away.

You have the right to follow your heart.

“Please kiss me again,” he finally says, because that is what he wants. He wants to feel the comfort of Ayan everywhere, and for his hands and lips to quiet the storm raging in his head. He needs it.

And Ayan responds. His arms move away from holding his face and instead fall across his neck. This time, when Ayan opens his mouth Akk moves too, and angles his head so the kiss deepens, even though their lips stay closed. The kiss tastes salty, their tears mingling as they both finally give in completely and Akk is scared that the hold he has on Ayan’s skin will bruise from the force of his fear of the other boy moving away.

When it gets difficult to breathe, and Akk needs to pull away for air, he does so slowly. He keeps his eyes closed in fear of seeing the dazed look on Ayan’s face, and he only looks up when Ayan grabs his chin and forces their eyes to meet. Ayan swipes his thumbs underneath his eyes when he finally looks up, and then he smiles. A smile so devastatingly beautiful that Akk can’t help the sob that finally leaves him.

“I’m scared,” is all he says. All he can say. Because everything he wants it right here in front of him, but nothing scares him more than saying that out loud. He needs Ayan to understand, even without the words, because right now, that is all Akk can give him.

Ayan seems to get it because he doesn’t ask for more and he finally stops pushing. He takes the hidden truth he’s been given, and instead pulls him in for another hug. And this time, Akk allows himself to melt into it, practically folding in on the other boy. He clings on to the white shirt and allows his tears to dry in the crook of Ayan’s neck.

Ayan just holds him, stroking the hairs at the back of his neck while he repeats the words that have played on Akk’s mind since they were first spoken this morning.

“You have the right to follow your heart.”

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link to the story on Ao3, if you want to give it some love over there; https://archiveofourown.org/works/42004710

#the eclipse #akk x ayan #fanfiction #this moment in ep 8 broke me #so i wrote about it #I could write sonnets about First's eyes #Instead I wrote this..#PSA; the author really liked the way they did this in the show #it's different to fit my timeline #and not me thinking I could do it better #fanfic #the eclipse the series #akk #ayan #akk x aye #I hate myself for this #first kanaphan #khaotung thanawat #firstkao

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