#i hate hate hate it the amount of time i’ve spent crying today is utterly ridiculous | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

atlas-of-a-human-soul · 3 years

Text

Broken Trust, pt.4

Part one // Part two // Part three

Summary: Time passes, but certain things don’t change. In light of their emotions, both make a choice that will inevitably lead them to one another - for better or worse.

Warnings: angst (my apologies), fluff sprinkled on top

a/n - It’s likely the last one before the finale, so settle in and get some tissues.

========================

Y/N swore she’ll never be so stupid, so naïve, so helpless ever again when she left the orphanage. She swore she’d be stronger, for herself and Mal, yet she found herself in the very same position.

Mal returned to her side, alive unlike what she believed. In a way, Aleksander couldn’t take away the one person she had left and a small part of her loved him more because of it. Mal wrapped his arms around her, aware nothing he says would do them any good as she began to cry. She didn’t want to, she didn’t want anyone to see her weakness for the man she’s supposed to hate. She couldn’t help it, though. She felt utterly alone and helpless. She felt like her mind and heart are breaking into two – one meant to love Aleksander and the other meant for hate.

Her screams echoed long into the night, filled with raging despair and the sorrowful betrayal she had been a victim of. After all, it’s those we love who hurt us most and she didn’t break quietly. It felt like every atom of her being screamed in unison, traumatized by all the things she kept inside since she was a child. She thought she was safe with Aleksander, that she could entrust her heart and soul to him. And she could, but she’d have to sacrifice who she is in return and she caught herself wishing she could. Y/N wished she could shed that part of herself that saw the world as black and white, to see it in the same shade of grey Aleksander did, but she couldn’t.

When the wracking sobs passed, she cried in such a desolate way that Mal couldn’t bear to listen for long.

“We need to go”, Mal whispered, looking around anxiously. They’ve stayed for too long, her cries have been too loud. He could feel it in his bones, if they didn’t leave, something sinister would happen. “Please, Y/N.”

Mal attempts to help her up, but she sinks to her knees. Her entire body is trembling, inconsolable. Y/N found herself robbed of her ability to love and trust, not only others but herself for her heart had lied to her mind who trusted the muscle blindly. It’s much more painful than a simple betrayal – she would have taken a dagger to the heart much kinder than what he had done to her.

And she hated him with burning passion for leaving now. If he persisted, she wasn’t certain if she’d be capable of resisting him much longer. But he left. He told her he loves her, her told her he would be kind to her and then he left her for trying to save his soul.

“If we do not leave now, we will be killed!” Mal raises his voice and she flinches, snapping out of her thoughts. She stands, her tears glistening in the faint light of the moonlight above them. Nodding, she walks with Mal, refusing to wipe the tears away.

She might not be like Aleksander, she might not share his darkness, but she is too proud to surrender, too proud to bend, too proud to lose. If he wants to make war instead of love, she’ll give it to him.

“How do I look?” Y/N raised her eyebrows, hands on her hips as she twirled.

Her cheeky smile acted like a wrecking ball for the wall the Darkling erected long ago, meant to keep the light out. He cultivated his darkness, convinced it would give him all his heart desires, yet the sight of Y/N struggling to stand with his kefta engulfing her the same his arms would if they embraced, it had rendered him speechless.

Y/N’s smile falters in the silence, her eyebrows furrowing as a frown crinkles her forehead. “Should I not have done this?”

The disappointment in her voice forced Aleksander to act, shaking his head while sending her a disarming smile.

"No, it's fine. I just didn't expect you to wear my clothes."

On any given day, she’d be blushing at the sight of his smile. His smile had healing properties as far she was concerned, but today wasn’t an ordinary day and her nerves made her particularly sensitive. Pursing her lips, she attempts to fold her arms with the extra fabric making it much harder, while casting her gaze to the ground. “You don’t like it.”

Raising his eyebrows, his smile grows. He comes closer, placing his index finger under her chin to tilt her head, properly meeting her gaze. "On the contrary", he speaks slowly and clearly, "I find you irresistible."

If she didn’t know any better, Y/N would have guessed he was the Sun Summoner with the way his glowing smile set her alight.

Licking her lips drew his attention, his eyes flickering down momentarily. It seemed like such an innocent moment, but it was enough to make her hands shake in anticipation.

Sighing, Y/N forces her eyes open. While she kept Aleksander out of her mind during the day, the nights favored his memory. It had been an almost that came to her dream, their almost first kiss when she had been in Little palace for a full month – she remembers because he made the dinner all about her presence.

No matter how hard she tried to let it go – to let him go, she always found herself clutching her chest in the morning. She wondered if she ever crossed his mind, almost a year since they’ve parted. Does his heart ache the same? Is that why she had hardly heard anything of him?

Her mind conjured up the worst, most painful explanations in the lonely nights. She wondered if he ever truly loved her and if he had, where had the love gone?

Can a person just stop loving someone? Did Aleksander Morozova finally stop loving her?

She wanted to stop loving him, but she couldn’t. She found herself making up excuses in his place to cover up the mistakes he’s made. In this distance that was freezing her soul and collapsing her heart, Y/N’s sole wish was to meet with her darling Darkling again. But she couldn’t travel to Little palace with the knowledge that he likely didn’t want her there or that he’d still further his plans despite her wishes. She’d have been by his side if he truly wanted her with him.

If he loved her enough, he wouldn’t have deceived her.

If he loved her enough, he would have helped her destroy the fold.

If he loved her enough, he would be here to reassure her instead of letting her question everything.

“I can do this”, she whispered under her breath, reassuring herself. She spent so many months trying to conjure up enough light and maintain enough control for it to seem Aleksander wasn’t wrong about her.

She wanted to make him proud, to draw him in with her light ever since he named her Sunshine. It’s silly, but the endearing name passing his lips made her insides quiver and she was prepared to do anything to hear it again. After all, if she does spectacularly well during an evening where she’s the main attraction, she was certain he’d see her as the only woman in the world.

Yet, as she makes her first few steps into the room, Y/N realizes she was wrong. She hasn’t done anything yet, but his eyes are chained to her regardless. The way he’s looking at her now makes her feel as if she is the only woman in the world that matters.

She saw his chest rise as he drew breath, then he was coming toward her, moving with his usual predatory grace and the intimidating flare. She wasn’t sure which she found more unnerving the intimidating Darkling or the graceful General.

"We are matching", she presses her lips to suppress an excited smile creeping up on her. She didn't expect his kefta to match hers despite his request to wear it. For Y/N, it felt strangely intimate, but she welcomed intimacy as long as it was with him.

“You look stunning”, he breathes out, a handsome smile appearing on his lips as he holds out his hand for her to take.

She doesn’t hesitate, awestruck by the twinkle in his dark eyes.

“They tell me you refused the gloves”, he raises his eyebrows.

Lifting her shin up, she smirks, “Have faith in me.”

Leaning in, Aleksander’s nose brushes her earlobe, “I never said I don’t.”

Helping her up on the stage, Aleksander stepped before her. She could hardly focus on his words, staring at his broad shoulders as they entirely shielded her from curious glances. He eclipsed her long enough for nerves to subside and she was grateful.

“You still think you’re ready?” Mal settles beside her, lips pressed as he looks at her disheveled state.

Clearing her throat, she nods, “I’ve never been stronger.”

“I know, but if you need more time –“, Mal begins, but Y/N’s irritated glare shut him up.

“We head to the fold today.” Taking a sip of her water, Y/N stands, intent on going into the woods.

“You love him”, Mal’s words stop Y/N in her tracks. “I know you do. It’s why you suffer so much in his absence.“

Swallowing thickly, she exhales through her nose to stop herself from saying anything she might regret. There’s a reason she refused to speak about Aleksander with Mal, with anyone if she could help it. Other than occasionally asking around if he’s been seen, Y/N had kept him out of her mouth. Mal couldn’t understand her feelings, he never would. She knew it to be true.

Aleksander is still an active heartache she couldn’t heal with time nor practice. Truth be told, she wanted him with her all the time. She wanted him there to cuddle when she’s on the brink of breaking, for him to whisper sweet nothings in her ear and remind her she’s loved. She wanted him there when she bathes to splash water in each other’s faces like children, to hear him gasping for air when he laughs so freely like nothing had ever gone wrong between them.

She is his. Despite the way things started, she was truly his and no amount of denial will ever change that. Unable to form words, Y/N closed her eyes as her face contorted. Her lips pressed together to hold in a sob and her head hurt from all the pressure building up in her attempt to stop herself from falling apart. But she couldn’t. There were no walls left inside her to hold the hurt encased from her mind any longer. She was shattering after nearly a year and a half of being strong – silent as she missed him, as she loved him, as she defended him from herself.

Meanwhile, in Little palace, Aleksander sat in her old room with her blue kefta in hand. He brings it up to his face, inhaling the faded scent in hope of remembering the warmth mere traces of her scent could evoke. He missed the smell of her hair when he buried his face in her neck, the gentle touch of her skin, the sweetness of her lips.

"May I ask for a dance?” He asked her with a half-smile, surprised she seemed reluctant to take his hand after her demonstration. “I won't bite”, he winks, making her roll her eyes and giggle simultaneously.

“I can hardly dance”, she admits, nibbling on her lower lip mercilessly.

Taking her hand with his right hand, he brought her closer with his left hand on her hip. She gasps, caught off guard as she looks at him with amusement.

He raises an eyebrow, suppressing a chuckle as he begins to sway her from side to side.

"When I first saw you, I couldn't get over how breathtakingly beautiful you are.” Aleksander tells her, the softest smile adorning his lips and she wished she could just reach out and touch them to see if they feel just as soft as they look. “I tried to stop you from leaving because I was bewitched by you, but then your light came out and I couldn't believe how lucky I was."

Inhaling sharply, she stared at him with lips parted in uncertainty. “So you’d say you care for me?”

Sighing heavily, Aleksander leaned his forehead on his palms, realizing not much work would be done as her face is all he thinks of, all he sees. The night he walked away, he finally saw what his love had brought her – pain and suffering. He took all she was and picked her soul apart until she was left void of love, of hate, of all emotion. After so many lifetimes, the Saints answered his prayers and sent him a dream encased in a good woman, to love and to care for and he had ruined her.

Loneliness was a punishment too kind for his awful actions.

He thought what would have happened if he had given her the truth before – had he told her what he knew, but also what he kept from her. Maybe she’d understand, maybe she would have stayed. Would their bond grow stronger?

It couldn’t be worse than it is now.

That’s his fault as well.

Pressing his lips together, Aleksander closed his eyes for a moment. “I’d say you’re the light of my life and I never want to see it dim.”

Dipping her, his lips pause at her throat and he could feel the exact moment her breath halted, caught right below his lips. He could feel her quiver, gripping his arm strongly but not out of fear of being dropped, but from a need to be closer.

Bringing her upright, he had no more desire to remain among the people where every action is judged, controversial. He wanted to take her somewhere where he could just be Aleksander, more than the Darkling they branded him as.

“Want to go somewhere more private?” She tilts her head ever so slightly to glance at the grand entry door, waiting for his response. He couldn’t believe how easily she read his mind.

Instead of speaking, he simply pulls her toward the door, feeling as if he had been given a chance to do what he never thought was possible – live. To live and possibly love.

Once they entered his room, closest to them from the reception, Aleksander stopped. He turns to her with a smirk, his hand still holding onto hers. His fingers curl around it gently, encasing it. Slowly, he brings the hand up to his lips, leaving a feather light kiss on her wrist while her cheeks darkened.

Y/N couldn’t ignore the smile upon his lips. Smiles are supposed to be soft and inviting, but his is charming and deadly. She knew he had captured her heart and no matter what she does, he’s rooted deep inside her. He’ll always run through her veins, even if they part.

Problem is, she didn’t mind it. Not at all.

She could feel her lips tingle, parting in need. All she wants is to press her lips against his, close her eyes and take him in. She didn’t care about her previously established beliefs, she’d burn them all down for a single kiss. Barely holding onto who she was before she met her sweet Darkling, Y/N cups his cheek.

His eyes are alight with desire and craving he’s been suppressing for a long time, intoxicating her, captivating her.

Her hand moves to the back of his neck, pulling him down and he complies. His forehead rests on Y/N’s, the tip of his nose brushing hers while her fingertips grasp at the short hair at the back of his head. He’s breathing heavily, his eyes closing, so she allows herself the comfort of closing her own while bridging the distance between them.

She presses her lips firmly onto his and the world melts away. His hand clasps gently into the back of her hair, pressing in softly. His lips are softness, passion, the promise of the sweetness to come.

Pulling back for a air, she hears the breathless chuckle accompanying his dashing smile.

“That was a perfect kiss”, she pecks his lips once more and he feels his heart stop. At a loss for words, he blinks a couple of times, seeing her lips curve into a small smile.

“Don’t go shy on me now, Sunshine.”

Aleksander remembered how they made love that night, leisurely, savoring each other’s bodies until their passion mounted. He thought about all the times she had given herself to him willingly and yet it felt like he was the one who gave her small pieces of himself each time. He loved not knowing what to expect with her for she was never the same twice. One time she would be quiet and sensual, the next aggressive and demanding. At other times she would be laughing and teasing. But no matter how she was, he loved loving her. Even the thought of touching her excited him.

She drove him mad, but she also showed him what it means to love someone. She could have killed him at any given moment had it been her true desire, just as he could have done the same to her and yet he couldn’t. Even thinking about someone hurting her upsets him.

Y/N could have stayed or killed him, he’d be fine with either way. At least then he wouldn’t suffer alone. She let him go so easily that he couldn’t help but think her love was never his. He wished he didn’t resent her for it, because a part of him wished she’d let him go long before, he wished for her to go far away from him where she’d be happier.

In his eyes swam ghosts of regrets and self-loathing, for he could have done a lot of things much better, made her life much easier. He could have been a better choice for her, a happy ending she’s deserving of. But he had already messed everything up and it is easier to have her see him as the bad guy.

She’d let him go easier.

“General?” Ivan paused in the doorway, aware no one’s allowed in Y/N’s room and he valued his life greatly, far too much to dare take another step.

Swallowing thickly, Aleksander remained on the bed while the Darkling rose to his feet. He had been planning for too long, hiding away from what needs to be done. It was time to act and the Darkling’s mind is made up.

“We’re heading to the fold today.”

PART 5

#the darkling x reader #the darkling #aleksander morozova #general kirigan #shadow and bone #aleksander x reader

453 notes · View notes

arvinsescape · 3 years

Text

Ready for anything

A/N: To the person that sent in this request: I am soo sorry that this took so long to reply to! I found it hard to find motivation to write but I’m back now, so thank you so much for your patience and I hope you enjoy!

Request: What about the reader travelling with tom and Harry, and when they are gonna order something she orders some weird stuff, and Harry is teasing her asking if it's pregnancy cravings, tom tells him to shut up and leave alone, when he goes to the other side of the airport Harry apologizes to you, and you don't say a thing, kinda looking behind you to see if tom was there and Harry is like: WAIT omg you are pregnant aren't you? And now is your turn telling him to shut up because tom doesn't know yet hahaha

Warnings: None I don’t think.

Travelling with Tom and Harry was very fun, although recently you’d been struggling, you’d found out last week that you were pregnant, the pregnancy test was stashed away in your bag as you figured out how to tell your boyfriend. It wasn’t that he didn’t want kids, he did, but the timing might not have been right for his career and it worried you to no end.

You’d travelled across America today and the flight left you feeling slightly sick, your feet felt tired and you in general felt tired. You’d spent half the flight asleep on Tom. You were between flights as you waited in the airport.

“I’m so hungry, wanna go grab something to eat?” Harry said as Tom nodded. You yourself were hungry but you were struggling to eat normal stuff, your cravings were all over the place and you’d done a good job hiding it so far but you weren’t so sure that you could this time.

You were craving pickles, Tom and Harry both knew you hated them. You’d spent so much time eating with Harry when Tom was filming that Harry knew your likes and dislikes like the back of his hand.

You ordered your food and Harry looked at you and you almost panicked, your burger had extra pickles on it, something he knew you usually requested to be off your food.

“Pickles?” Harry quirked a brow.

“Yeah, I um, I tried them a while ago and decided their not so bad.” You shrugged hoping it’d work. It didn’t.

“Y/N, you hate them.” Harry laughed. “Wait wait wait. Are you having pregnancy cravings?” He asked with a laugh and your heart stopped.

“What? No.” You said quickly.

“You sure?” He teased. “Do I have a niece or nephew on the way you’re not telling me about?”

“Harry, bro, leave her alone. People change their mind on food all the time. You like broccoli now and I remember when you used to cry because mum put it on your plate.” Tom said, always quick to jump in to defend you.

“I’m joking.” Harry laughed, you were glad neither of them had noticed the pale in your face.

“Just leave her alone.” Tom grumbled as he made his way into a shop he’d been itching to go into, leaving you and Harry stood outside.

“Sorry Y/N/N, I was only kidding.” He said, you were too wrapped up in how you’d gotten away with that interaction, too wrapped up in your own head to respond. “Y/N/N? You’ve not fallen out with me have you?” He panicked and you still couldn’t bring yourself to respond. “Wait a second, Y/N?” He said as he placed his hands on your shoulders, bringing you crashing back into reality. “Are you?” He asked seriously.

You only nodded quickly in response as you watched Harry grin.

“Oh my god! You are! This is so exciting!” He almost screamed and you panicked, making sure Tom hadn’t returned, eyes frantically looking for your boyfriend.

“Harry! Shut up!” You hushed. “Tom doesn’t know.” You admitted.

“He’ll be over the moon.” Harry said as he rubbed your shoulders.

“Will he? The timing doesn’t feel right for his career.” You admitted in a quiet voice.

“Tom has talked about you guys having a kid for the last few months, I think he thinks it’s a good time.” Harry reassured.

“Really?” You asked.

“Yeah, he’ll be ecstatic, you should just tell him.” Harry smiled.

“Tell who what?” Tom said and your heart started racing, neither one of you had noticed his return.

“Nothing. I’ll tell you later.” You said, turning in the direction of your boyfriend.

“What’s wrong?” He asked, instantly concerned at the look on your face.

“I-” You stopped yourself, looking at the mass amounts of people surrounding you. “Can we go somewhere a little more private?” You asked and he nodded, taking your hand in his as he found a very quiet corner of the airport, Harry giving you a small thumbs up as you walked away.

“What’s wrong?” Tom asked as he cupped your cheek, thumb running over it.

“Please don’t be mad.” You said quietly, tears almost instantly filling your eyes. “I erm, I know the timing might not be right but I’m pregnant. Tom I’m so sorry if it’s not something you want right now.” You cried as you stuffed your face into his chest, his arms instantly engulfing you as he moved you slightly out of the way of any possible prying eyes.

“Baby, shh.” He hushed you as he ran a hand through your hair and kissed the top of your head. “I know.” He said and your ears perked up at that as you pulled away from him, confused expression on your face.

“What?”

“I know. I needed some paracetamol last night and you keep them in your bag don’t you?” He grinned, he’d obviously found your positive test.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” You asked, utterly confused, this boy was not the best at keeping things to himself.

“Wanted to wait until you were ready to tell me.” He said as he pulled you back into his chest, chin resting on top of your head. “Baby, I’m not mad. I almost woke you up, had to hold in my excitement. There’ll never be bad timing with you, I’m ready for anything and everything with you. This is best news I’ve had in a long time. Baby, I love you so much, nothing is gonna change that, in fact you being pregnant has made me love you that much more.”

You heart instantly lifted at his words, all of your fears disappearing in an instant. You loved the man in front of you so much that you didn’t know it was possible to fall more in love with him but here you are.

“Really? You’re not mad? You’re ready?” You asked and he smiled as he hugged you tighter.

“I’m ready for anything with you. I could never be angry at such good news.”

#tom holland #tom holland imagine #tom holland one shot #tom holland x reader #tom holland x y/n #tom holland fluff

173 notes · View notes

millers-planet · 3 years

Text

Makeshift pt 2 - Poe Dameron x F!Reader

Storyline: Parties with a dozen is sometimes less preferable than “parties” with two (set in between ep vii and iv)

Warnings: 2k words of smut, oral (both receiving), teasing, a lil bit of ass slapping, and like an ounce of face-fucking undertones, kind of pet names?????

Pairing: Poe Dameron x F!RebelPilot!Reader (no pronoun usage)

POV: Reader

part one

We all new this new base on Yavin 4 wouldn’t last long, which is why Poe told me to keep our stuff in boxes rather than unpack. Our multi-room living space was now demoted (like Poe’s rank) to a smaller, tent-like space, which was now just a few drawers and a bed. I was content with this, because the only think I needed in a room was Poe.

“Knock knock,” Poe’s fingers glided across the fabric, “or, I guess tap tap?” He made me giggle, grabbing my hips and turning me around to kiss him. I could feel his antsy hands slowly moving lower, “we never finished what we started on the ship back there, on our little makeshift date.”

I pushed his hands up more, onto my hips versus my ass. “These are not walls, Poe, this is fabric. While I am always down to try new things,” he smirked at me, “this is not one of them. We have been interrupted so much lately and I don’t want to risk anything.”

He broke eye contact and I saw his face go from ‘how do I find a place to fuck my girlfriend without people finding out?’ to: ‘I know a place where I can fuck my girlfriend without anyone finding out. “I got something figured out, trust me, you might hate it or you might love it, no in between.” He planted a small kiss to my forehead and walked away, “meet me back here at sunset.”

I’ve been with Poe long enough to decipher whatever his plan or idea is, before he can even get the words out. I know what each eyebrow wiggle of his means, but for some reason, I have no clue what he’s getting me into today. What is he going to do?

I waited on the Millennium Falcon for some time, just playing Dejarik with C3PO, beating the droid every once in awhile “Hey!” I looked up and my face dropped, “I told you to meet me back at the tent at sunset what happened?”

“Oh, Poe, I’m so sorry, I lost track of time playing this game with 3PO. I probably ruined whatever you had in mind, I’m sorry.” I put my face in my hands, utterly disappointed in myself for being so careless. He asked me to do one thing, how incompetent could I possibly be?

Poe crouched down to my height and pulled my face away from my hands, “Y/N, this is where I was gonna bring you anyway. I spent the rest of the day catching up with the General to see if we were making any battle plans, or if the Falcon is in use, which it isn’t...” his voice dragged on, prolonging eye contact with me in the seductive manner.

The dots finally connected in my mind and my mouth dropped, “you want to?” He nodded. “In here?” He nodded again. I looked behind me, seeing if 3PO was still there, Poe probably shewed him out while I wasn’t looking. “What if Rey wants to go check on something... or someone wants to use the ship?”

“Rey is training nonstop, Finn has been making some time for Rose, and Chewy has nothing to do,” Poe began rubbing his thumb on my palm, making eye contact again. “This is a fool-proof plan, you know I can be smart when I choose to be.”

I leaned in, inches from his face, “and it isn’t very often.” I closed the gap and kissed him gently, one of his rough hands grazing the back of my soft neck, sending chills down my spine. “If you think we’ll be fine, then sure, Poe.”

“Yes?” He asked.

“Yes.”

The biggest fucking smirk spread across his face, putting his lips to mine and standing up. He grabbed my hips and hoisted me around his waist, my legs wrapping around him, my arms going around his neck. He carried me to what seemed like a backroom, almost a medical room, on the Falcon, closing the door behind us. Gently he sat me down on the edge of the bed, getting back down on his knees, in between my legs. I knew exactly where this was going, the anticipation growing in me, making heat swell in the middle of my thighs.

With his mouth never leaving mine, the soft kisses never getting rough, just quicker, he untucked my shirt. Placing his warm hands and fingers on my torso, thumbs rubbing my waistline in between my pants. I gave him the ‘go ahead’ by solely pulling out my excess belt strap, leaving him to do the rest. Slowly, just enough to tease, he used two hands to undo my belt, fingertips always grazing my skin whenever possible. Poe undid the button to pants, placing his four finger on both of his hands in the waist of my pants, before I stopped him.

I placed a hand on his chest and pushed him back, “don’t you think the places should be reversed, I mean, we are still celebrating that dreadnaught victory, right?”

He smiled, “it was your victory just as much as it was mine.” Poe put a hand on my shoulder and pushed me back, my elbows on the bed and back just hardly touching the wall. He pulled off my pants and threw them across the room, making me laugh just a tiny bit. To build me up more, he planted kisses from the middle of my inner thigh, up to the center of my body, skipping over it, and going down my thigh. I whined quietly at the missed spot, making him look up to me and wink.

His mouth made contact with my clit, kissing it and sucking on it. He put his hands on either side of my thighs, gripping them and pushing them apart just a little bit more. Poe’s tongue lapped circled on my nub, flicking it every few seconds, making my breath catch in my throat each time. Poe had a rhythm, just one I hadn’t caught onto yet, which was good. This meant that I never knew what was gonna come next, making it remind me of our first time over and over again.

Caught in the flashback, I didn’t even notice his finger teasing my entrance before it was put inside of me. I gasped at the sensation and arched my back slightly, I could feel Poe’s smile grow. His tongue slowly added more pressure with each thrust and curl of his middle finger inside of me. The calloused finger just glided across my sweet spot, causing me to muffle a cry, “right there, oh my god, right there.”

“What do we say?” Poe stopped every movement, pulling his mouth off of me and freezing his finger knuckle-deep in me.

“Damnit, Poe,” I whined, bucking my hips slightly at the lost contact.

He tapped my ass, making me wince, not in pain, just from being caught off-guard. “What happened to manners, Y/N?”

I sucked in a breath of air, “please, Poe.” With that, he began again. His lips returned to my hot nerves and pulled his finger out, glazing over the sweet-spot once more. I dropped my head and gripped my shirt, overwhelmed by the amount of pleasure he was giving me. Just as I thought this, he put his index finger in with the next pump and curl of his middle. I melted like putty, my elbows dropped out on me, making me now flat on the bed with my ass almost entirely hanging off.

“That’s my girl,” his breath was cold, if anything, compared to my hot core. The small exhale from his nose caught me off, making my thigh twitch. With each thrust of finger and suck of his mouth, I became even more wound up. His tongue paused for a microsecond, just as he put my leg over his shoulder, opposite of the hand that inside of me. “C’mon, baby, cum for me.” His fingers pumped faster, the curls dragging out more, and the circles matching the same rhythm and intensity.

“Poe,” I cried out, my back arching and abdomen felt like it was twisting up, about to burst. His free hand slapped my ass and grabbed it, making me stifle a cry and bite my lip. My thighs shake as everything began to unwind. My walls tightened around his fingers and he slowed down his movement, helping me ride out my wave of pleasure.

As I caught my breath, Poe stood up, making the tent in his pants very obvious. I sat up and took his finger in my mouth as he placed them in there, making me cleaning them up and taste myself. He pulled his fingers out, a small pop filling the empty yet heavy air as the pressure broke. His lips met mine, the kiss was slow and meaningful, I stood up and put him where I was without breaking it.

Only when I sat down did I finally break it, getting down on my knees and undoing his pants the same way he did mine, but slower, payback for what he did to me a few minutes ago. When I finally undid the zipper and button, he lifted his hips up a little bit to help me slid his pants and underwear down, his erection springing up.

Precum came out from the top, taking my thumb I spread it around before placing him into my mouth, slowly taking him in to give jaw time to adjust. I couldn’t the entirety of him me, because if I did, I’d probably choke. Poe gathered most of my hair into one of his hands and place it on the back of my head, just a few strands hanging out. His hand wasn’t forceful, just resting there, as is face was pointed towards me, watching me try to take him all in.

I lifted my head up a little bit, going up and down, slowly adding speed. I placed one hand on his thighs and the other at the end of his length where I couldn’t get in, pumping it with the speed of my mouth. As I moved my tongue around slightly in my mouth, low grunts came from the bottom of his throat, his fingers flinching as I went on, eventual moans coming out of him, “Y/N, fuck. Yeah, use your pretty little mouth just like that.”

I could tell he sensed that I was about to do the same thing as he did to me, but before I could lift my face up, he pushed me back down, which was sudden and nearly made me choke... though this isn’t the first time. As Poe got closer, he began to buck his hips and thrust into me, basically fucking my face, which I was fine with. I bobbed my head to match with his speed and gripped him just a little bit tighter until his hand instinctively forced me down to take the full length of him in.

My nose touched his abdomen as his hand wouldn’t let up, him spewing his load into the back of my throat, forcing me to swallow so I wouldn’t choke. Tears went down my face as he finally let me back up, making me cough and wipe my mouth. Poe stood up and pulled up his pants, but didn’t buckle them or anything. He pulled me up and kissed me, passionately, the kiss deep and long. I pushed him back down onto the bed playfully and laid down next to him, pressing my bare ass against his pants. “I love you,” I said softly.

“I love you, too.” He cleared his throat and rubbed circles into my shoulder, “y’know no one has said anything to us yet, so.. if you want we could...” Before he could finished his sentence, I straddled him, looking at him down. “Yes?” He asked, the same tone from earlier.

“Yes.”

“Yes,” he flipped his over, putting me beneath him and making me laugh at the sudden change in places.

tags: @blondekel77 @mysticdeerpolice @gabile18

join the tag list!

#poe dameron #poe dameron x reader #poe dameron x you #poe dameron x y/n #poe dameron smut #poe damn son #star wars #star wars smut #star wars x reader #star wars rise of skywalker

49 notes · View notes

dammitadolfnomorecake · 3 years

Text

Once Bitten, Twice Stupid 189

189

Keith had been broken hearted to be left behind by Lance. He’d tried to prepare himself for running errands the best he could as he’d watched their twins on the ultrasound. Coran had said he suspect Lance would go into labour sooner rather than later, then suddenly Lance had passed him off to Krolia and Shiro for a weird brother and mother therapy session where he explained what being a werewolf was like, and Shiro compared it all Curtis. Coran had also taken the opportunity to question him at length, then put him through a physical to create a base line of his human capabilities now that he was a werewolf. He’d hated every moment of it. Normal physicals were bad enough. Now he’d broken stuff completely by accident and felt shitty for doing so.

When Lance had finally returned with Curtis, he didn’t get the chance to be a dick about it. Lance bursting into tears, with Curtis shooing Krolia and Shiro away from the pair as the vampire went straight for cuddles. Nuzzling into him, he couldn’t stay mad at Lance when he was so cute, though he was kind of cranky with Curtis over him spending the day with his boyfriend instead of him

“Did you get your errands done?”

“We managed to everything apart from the most important errand done. He went to the bathroom and came out crying because he wanted you there for it”

Lance nodded, sniffling loudly

“I know I shouldn’t have left you, but I didn’t want to push you, but I... I want you to come with me, if you can... I don’t want to pick the last of the nursery furniture without you”

Ah. The chair. The infamous chair that Lance was so hung up on. He wasn’t sure he got the significance, yet he knew it was important to his boyfriend. Still, he didn’t want to face crowds, or risk another blow up. He got that Lance thought leaving him here was best for him, but he felt like it would have all gone better for him mentally if Lance had stayed. With how Lance was crying, he didn’t want to dump his unhappiness on him

“Do you have a place in mind?”

Lance nodded again, drawing back to show Keith his snotty face and red rimmed eyes

“My usual place for furniture... it’s not too bad there... and the staff aren’t pricks”

Keith shifted his gaze to Curtis, Curtis shifting his weight. Someone had definitely done something to upset Lance. Instantly he wanted to track down whoever it was and punch them squarely in the face for making his lover cry. They’d be talking about this, even if he had to corner Curtis and force him to spill what had happened

“And you want to go now?”

“Please... I want to get this done. I’m sick of my ego not shutting up... I’m so tired”

Brushing Lance’s hair back, Keith kissed his forehead. Lance tended to be even brattier when he was over tired. He’d ramble things, or cling, or burst into tears... pretty much as he was doing now

“Alright. Are we going alone?”

“Please?”

Kissing Lance’s forehead again, his vampire felt warm. Lance needed to go down for his afternoon nap soon

“Okay, babe. Just making sure”

“I missed you... Curtis has horrible taste... but he did try to help... I don’t want a haunted chair. I want a good chair and I wanna go hooome”

“Alright. Guys, I’m going to take him shopping then take him home. We’ll see you in a few days. Thanks for going with him, Curtis”

Curtis smiled at the pair of them, Shiro less smiley and more concerned with shooting Curtis an unimpressed look. His brother really hadn’t been happy that Curtis was off with Lance for the day

“Make sure you have a good talk with him. I don’t think he’s doing as well as he’s trying to make you believe”

“I can see that. We’re going to be talking about this when we get home”

Wrapping his arm around Lance’s waist, Lance leaned into him as Keith, knowing it was time to go again

“Thanks for today, Curtis”

“No problem, honey. I guess your boyfriend found out after all... I really can’t compete”

Lance gave a wet chuckle

“I’m sorry, it’s not you, it’s him. I’ll see you in a few days, sweet heart. Make sure to keep those haunted appliances under control”

Curtis chuckled while Keith felt his claws starting to come through. Since when did they have pet names and since when were they so intimate?! Shiro’s face went red, his brother looked ready to blow his top. Curtis throwing a wink in Lance’s direction only served to make them both madder

“I’ll save the next haunting just for you”

Dragging Lance away, Lance stumbled a little, but kept up with the pace Keith set until they reached the elevator away from prying ears

“What was that?”

“Hmm?”

“You and Curtis?”

Lance sighed softly, Keith finding himself moving as his boyfriend tried to nuzzle into his arm. Shock, then pain, washing over the vampire’s features

“Curtis played a prank on a rude employee. They weren’t very nice to us... and some of his demon power still seems to be in there. He kind of made an unplugged massage chair work and freaked them out”

“He called you “honey””

“That’s because they were being rude and whispering about us. There’s nothing going on there, other than a joke about poor customer service”

Keith huffed. Yeah. He was being petty and he knew it, but his ego also knew how close Lance was to Curtis and that he hadn’t been a very good mate to Lance. Sighing again, Lance took his hand in his

“Keith, it’s you I love. It’s you and your wonder dick to blame for the happiness I have. The sales people were kind of rude because I’m pregnant. They seemed to think I was like dirty and contagious so Curtis got a little revenge”

Pulling his hand out of Lance’s, Keith crossed his arms. His ego didn’t like this. Jealous was it’s middle name.

“You spent the day with him and just left me here”

“Because I had to pick things up. I didn’t want to stress you out with all the scents and sounds”

“You could have told me. I spent the day here in therapy and being fucking tested”

His snappiness sent Lance into fresh tears. Now he was being cruel. Keith didn’t get why his ego was intentionally setting Lance off like it was. They were relieved to see Lance, then Lance was all cuddly... He had his lover’s attention and his heart

“I tried to tell you. I told you my ego is upset and I told you I’m scared of going into labour. I know you think it’s just a chair but it’s more than that. It’s a place to nurse the twins. A place to read them bedtime stories. A place for snuggles. Who else was going to come with me? Hunk and Pidge would have, but I wasn’t going to have anyone come with me until Coran nominated Curtis. I want things organised. I finally have what I need to fix the nursery wall. I finally have clothes that don’t leave a draft under my stomach. I’m sorry you had a shit day, but I don’t think you understand the amount of stress my ego is putting me under. I just want all of this done with. I’m sick of being fat and gross. I’m sick of peeing when I laugh. Or having to change my shirt because I’m leaking milk. I’m sick my emotions being out of control. I want this done. I’m so tired of all of it and I’m so tired of thinking about it all the time. I’m not fucking cheating on you. I didn’t leave to dive into bed with Curtis and I’m pissed you think I would do that! Why can’t you get that I love you and that giving birth is scary?! I’m scared!”

Lance stomped his foot for added measure. The vampire definitely needed a nap, in Keith’s opinion. Keith’s ego was somewhere tucked up between his legs like a scolded dog. He could feel the anger rolling off Lance, almost as if there was some kind of invisible wall pushing him away. Swallowing, Keith dropped his head, eyes on Lance’s clawed hands as his boyfriend rubbed his stomach

“I’m sorry. I don’t like Curtis using pet names... You’re my mate”

“I know. I’m just... ugh. I’m so frustrated with myself and with my ego”

To Keith it sounded like Lance hadn’t gotten the same level of calmness from their pamper session that Keith had. His ego felt as if they’d utterly failed their mate, almost as if they deserved to have someone else swoop in steal Lance away

“And I haven’t been much help”

“You have in your own way”

“No. No. I’m cranky about today. All Shiro wanted to do was talk about Curtis, then whenever he’d ask me how I was doing, it’d shift back to comparing me with Curtis”

Lance opened his mouth to reply at the same time the elevator doors open, his boyfriend darting out the small space before Keith could blink. He’d been so sooky that he hadn’t really thought about the trauma or memories from the elevator.

Joining Lance in the bookshop, he reached out, Lance so forgiving he was allowed to take his boyfriend’s hand as they walked towards the front door

“I’m sorry. I thought maybe some time with your brother would be good for you...”

“We’re going to see him in a few days as it is”

“Yeah. I know... I don’t want to upset you, but Curtis is really looking forward to some space too. Shiro’s been pretty protective of him. I know we’re going to do something hard, but I hope we can make good memories too”

“I don’t see how that’s really going to be possible...”

“I know. On top of the stress of seeing your father’s grave, you have me to think about. I’m being really selfish by pushing my stress onto you”

Tugging Lance against him, Keith kissed his cheek

“You’re not. This pregnancy has hardly been easy for you”

“It’s not been easy for you either”

“I’m not the one who’s throwing up and barely able to sleep at night”

“No, you’re just the one who fell in love with a grumpy old man, then had your entire life flipped upside down... again”

“Loving you is the easy bit. It’s life that keeps throwing crap at us”

Lance hummed a sigh

“That’s true. Will you be okay with driving?”

“I should be... Do you want to nap?”

“I’ve pushed this far that I don’t think I can sleep until I’ve got the right chair for the nursery”

“Then we’ll find that chair... Did you go see Mami today?”

“No. Poor Curtis was stuck with me being moody enough”

“We’ll find that chair, then we’ll go see Mami. We’ll work this out”

Lance sighed again, he really needed that nap. When they got home, Keith hoped he’d be able to be some kind of useful

“I hope so. I can’t keep living with this stress”

“I remember a wise man saying that’s it’s okay not to be okay”

“There’s not being okay, and then there’s being scared every moment of every day that things won’t come together in time”

“We’ll work it out”

Lance had found his chair, and Keith had felt a wave of relief when he had. They’d gone to Lance’s favourite furniture store, where Lance had found a purple rug for the nursery, but that moment wasn’t anything like when Lance found his chair. His boyfriend had been pretty down about not finding one he liked there, Keith grasping at straws on the drive from the store to the cemetery. His boyfriend hadn’t wanted to go anywhere else, shaking his head when Keith pulled into the parking lot of some boutique advertising a sale. With a lot of coaxing, he’d gotten Lance out the car and into the store. The prices everything you’d expect from a boutique, but... when Lance started crying, leaving Keith’s side to pursue his desires to touch the chair, Keith knew this was the one and the price tag didn’t matter.

Covering his face as he cried, Keith had never experienced a grown man crying over a chair before. Wrapping his arms around his boyfriend, he’d stared over Lance’s shoulder, unsure if he was in love with it as Lance was, yet wanting to give his boyfriend the world on a silver platter. The chair itself was white, and came with a foot rest stool thing. It was wider than a standard arm chair, and comfier too from the look. Keith really didn’t know how to describe it. As he stared at it, he could see Lance sitting there with their twins in his lap as he read to them. At $600 the price was nothing to sneeze at, when Keith asked if that was the one, Lance had tried to deny it due to the price tag, Keith shooting down his head shaking by asking if the chair was everything Lance wanted to which his boyfriend admitted it was. Never had he thought he’d spend that much on a chair... like... ever...

Unable to take it with them, Lance gave the chair an almost wistful look as Keith guided him out the store. He’d have to ask Pidge, or Shiro and Curtis, to borrow a van from work for pick up. A large sign warning all potential chair-nappers that it was “Sold. Kogane. Collection”. For some unknown reason, Keith found himself wondering if the look on Lance’s face had been similar to his when Kosmo came into his life. Though Kosmo had been a puppy, and this was chair, but maybe that look meant more than a simple comparison...? Like somehow the universe had aligned him with Kosmo at just the right time, and now was aligning Lance with his chair because they were somehow destined to be together? Almost instantly Keith snorted at himself. He didn’t believe in fate. Then again, he hadn’t believed in soulmates, and Lance was living proof of how wrong he’d been there...

Climbing back into Lance’s bronco, he was grateful to be out of the store. Again, Lance had been right. The scent of the store still seemed stuck up his nose, just as the sound of the sales woman’s voice was still in his head. Had he had to endure yet another store, he didn’t think he’d be able to keep his temper. He felt useless, as if he was weaker than he’d ever been before. He’d hate shopping before, and now the task seemed a hurdle that’d never be overcome, even with years of adjustment. His ego seemed to agree, though it was more than proud of itself for paying for Lance’s chair and making their mate happy.

Clipping his belt into place, Lance glanced at him, smile on his lips that seemed a little strained given his exhaustion was so obvious, yet still managed to make Keith feel lucky to see it

“You didn’t have to do that. We could have found another chair”

“Babe, no. Hey, I think I saw it. What you saw. The twins in your lap as you read to them. Our macaroons pointing at the pictures as you read the story and explained what everything was. You sleeping with them in your lap. The three of you all snuggled up. Me having to put them both to bed, then carrying you back to our room... maybe in a few years, you telling them all about their baby sibling?”

Lance snorted at him, before covering his mouth as he yawned. Shaking his head, Lance slumped back against the seat as he gestured to his belly

“You want to go through all of this all over again?”

There was nothing wrong with Lance being pregnant. Lance still had issues with the changes in his body, but the twins really were a glimmer of hope and happiness for their future for all of them

“Maybe...? Maybe without the element of surprise?”

“Let’s see if we can survive handling the first t...two... Sorry. I’m exhausted”

“You can nap if you want? I can follow the GPS to the cemetery”

“Nah, I’m okay... I’ll sleep on the way back... God, I’m going to have to go back to work right after I pop with the way I’ve been spending money...”

That was painfully true. A lack of work and being off work meant Keith’s account was most probably dangerously low. He hadn’t had a huge amount of savings to begin with, and what he did have was mostly tied up in his camera equipment. Coming from nothing, it’d been hard at first to accept his growing bank account. He’d flown through money, scared if he didn’t use it that someone would take it from him. Shiro had been of the opinion he should use his money for his own happiness, Adam not so much. Lance... was kind of in the middle there. He hated big spends, but also didn’t want Keith to go without. When he thought about it, he blamed himself that Lance hadn’t been working, though Lance had said he needed time off... He didn’t want to go back to work before the birth, yet a few weeks of work would really take a lot of stress of their shoulders financially

“I’m sure we’ll work it out... for now, just think about your chair”

“Mmm... I’m so relieved we found the right one. Thank you”

Keith found himself blushing under Lance’s praise. The way his boyfriend managed to sound so sincere, despite everything and all the moodiness, meant so much to him

“All I did was drive”

“No... no. Curtis tried but, I couldn’t stop wanting you there. I hated the idea of choosing something for our nursery without you there to have a say in it. You’re their daddy. Your say is important. I really love you, Keith. I do. I’m sorry I’m all over the place. I don’t want to be... I just... get scared they’ll come and we won’t have anything ready for them... I don’t want to give birth and be useless... I just... want them here already. I want to feel like myself again”

“You’re fine the way you are. Besides, I think they’re supposed to stay in there as long as possible”

Lance snorted at him, hand going to his belly

“Yeah. I know. I’m being impatient... I can’t wait for there to be more of you in the world. The world would be a better place if there were more people like you, Keith. It really would”

“I’m not so sure about that”

“I am. I’m sorry I’m so moody...”

Keith cut Lance off. His boyfriend didn’t need to apologise for him not getting it. He could only do his best to be there for him... even if he’d dropped the ball

“I’m the one who should apologise. I know you wouldn’t cheat on me. I shouldn’t have lost my temper as I did...”

“Your ego is still new... I didn’t mean to make it feel like I didn’t want you with me...”

“No. I get it. We’ll talk more at home”

“Mmm, I’d like that... I like you. I more than like you, you know”

When Lance pursed his lips, seeming to be reaching for whatever else he’d been going to say, Keith stole a kiss. Whatever else Lance had been going to say was lost to the kiss. He should have made the time to look at chairs... shown the initiative to look then shared anything he’d liked with Lance, instead of spending all his time cuddling into Lance and being blind to his boyfriends stress. He’d take Lance to see Mami, then pick up dinner on the way home so Lance didn’t have to worry about cooking later. They only had a few more days until they left, now he was silently promising to do everything that Lance needed in the time they had. His heart and soul belonged to his mate, meaning he was responsible for Lance’s happiness. Lance always went above and beyond for him, no matter how uncomfortable it was for his lover. He wanted to be even one tenth as supporting Lance was with him. This whole chair fiasco wouldn’t be easily forgotten.

#ashratherose #once bitten twice stupid #oncebittentwicestupid

5 notes · View notes

blueymoons · 4 years

Note

Hey boo! Here's a bunch of numbers for that music meme: 1, 5, 6, 15, 20, 26, 28, 35, 38, and 50 🥳❤️ Looking forward to your answers, I love your music taste!

OOOoh this is so exciting!!! @kenzthepea...I adore you and I haven’t told you that enough lately. ❤❤❤

OK..Here goes:

1. Current Favorite Song: This is hard...Because I love so many songs. But the one I kept repeating today was Cardigan by Taylor Swift. I like the melody, and the lyrics that are so intricate. I especially love the bridge and I think my brain is formulating a fic with this song...but I have to wait and see what percolates. But it feels like that’s about to happen.

5. A Song That Reminds You Of Another Time In Your Life: I’m going to with It’s Been Awhile by Staind. I don’t know why...but every time I hear this song I think back to the first guy I fell in love with. It literally never played while we were together, or featured in our relationship at all, and has nothing to do with either of us...but it makes me think of him because I feel him in it. I think it’s maybe that during the time I met him, and fell in love with him and was held by him...I was dealing with some serious things in my home life. My mother was abusive, and I felt worthless and like a complete fuck up...but all of that didn’t matter when he hugged me. None of it mattered when we were talking. It makes me feel the way he made me feel and I love that. Because I still love him. Just differently, though 15 year old me is still deeply in love with him...But I am happily married to a man who adores me, who listens to me, and who makes me feel seen...which is exactly what Daniel did for me all those years ago. We’re still very good friends and we sing karaoke together (not currently obviously) and he still gives the best hugs and he’s still as sweet and dreamy and magnetic as he was the day I met him. And I feel grateful, so damn grateful that the first man I ever loved, taught me that I was worthy of that love, so that I could recognize when my husband felt the same way. That was long...but worth it. And you knew I’d be wordy. 🤣

6. A Song That Reminds You of A Place You’ve Been: I cannot hear the Hawaiian version of I’m Yours by Jason Mraz without instantly being transported to the beach house my husband and I were married out of a little over 11 years ago. That song was played multiple times during our stay, and the Hawaiian version is so much more lovely than the radio version. It wasn’t our wedding song...but it is our unofficial wedding song. So much so that it’s the song my husband set as my ring tone when I call him. 🥰🥰🥰 I can’t seem to find the Hawaiian version but the version I linked is very damn close.

15. A Song That Makes You Want To Fall In Love: This one was really hard...Because I’m already very much in love with my husband...But I’m going to give you two...by the same artist, on the same album, because both give off some serious sex appeal to me and both would make me ache to have someone to feel that way about if I didn’t already have my Husband-Man. Wolf Like Me by Lera Lynn ft. Shovels and Rope, and Lose Myself by Lera Lynn, ft. John Paul White (you knew he had to be in here somewhere). Both are on her Plays Well With Others album, which was co-produced by John Paul and Ben Tanner (of the Alabama Shakes) at their Sun Drop Sound recording studio in Florence, Alabama and is on their label Single Lock Records (I’m a huge fan of pretty much every artist on Single Lock’s label) and these two songs are just straight up magic. Wolf Like Me is like...a werewolf love song. It’s literally her begging someone to be a wolf like her, and understand her, and I believe its a cover...but I choose to ignore that because I don’t ever want to hear anyone but Lera and S&R singing it. It’s haunting and sexy and just...ooof. So good. Lose Myself is sexy AF as well because it’s a duet with John and they’re basically singing about being in love with someone who they know is bad for them...and it’s just so painfully sexily delicious. I dare you to listen to their voices melding and not melt into a puddle. It’s almost impossible.

(This damn post is going to be really long...I hope you don’t mind. 🤣)

20. A Song You’ve Listened To On Repeat Recently: Rattle by Penny and Sparrow (I think you already know this one) has been on repeat for me lately. This song has been many things to me...But It’s become my worship song. When I REALLY need to talk to God (I’m spiritual...I hope this isn’t something that bothers you. Apologies if it is...I won’t preach...I promise) I turn this song on and I always feel closer to Him. When I first heard it I heard it as a romantic song. But the more I listened to it, the more I felt Him in it and the lyrics really called to me. “Because I’m not proud, I’m not proud, I’m not proud of me...so how could you, how could you ever be?” really nails me on the head. I feel like I fall down on being a light for God quite a bit. I try, always, to be a beacon of love and acceptance and grace to everyone. I want to understand my fellow humans...and love them despite their flaws and foibles...but it’s hard. And so this song reminds me that I’m not alone, and that I’m not the only one who occasionally feels that I’m not making Him proud...but the last lines, “I'm gonna work on waiting, If it's true you wanna say you love me every day. And I'm sorry (that it took me so long to realize) you've always felt that way”, are a beautiful reminder that God’s love for me is something he wants to give me everyday, no matter how much I’ve failed at being His beacon on Earth. So it’s my worship song, because I don’t go to church, but hearing this song is feeling a wash of his love over me and that helps me on really hard days. (I hope that wasn’t too preachy)

26. A Song That Reminds You Of Your Favorite Fictional Character: GOD SO MANY!!! Like...everyone I’ve ever written a fic about...and there are MANY. I guess the best way to find this one is to go to my AO3 series The Music Made Me Do It

28. A Song That Represents Your “Aesthetic”: I don’t really know what my “Aesthetic” is...maybe uptight, bohemian, plant loving, boy and dog mom, who over thinks everything constantly? Is that an aesthetic? LOL. So i’m not sure how to answer this one. But if “aesthetic” means what I would have playing in the house all the time, no matter what, no matter who comes over...It would be THIS entire playlist. It’s called Relaxed Jams (which is the EPITOME of an original title...I’m not good with titles...leave me alone 😂) and it’s pretty much playing nonstop in my house and car...Unless I’m listening to Hamilton...which is also constantly playing. So...there you go...My “Aesthetic”...Hope that works for you. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

35. A Song That Sends Chills Down Your Spine: In the fall of 2018 I was dealing with the knowledge that my oldest son was planning to move to Florida. And I was NOT handling it well. To be honest...I still am not handling it well. I don’t like my baby being so far away and I miss seeing his face, hearing his voice, yelling at him to clean up after himself...I just miss him like I’d miss a limb. We’ve been together since I was 18 and he’s going to be 20 in a few weeks and so, I’m sure you can imagine, over half of my life has been spent loving him. My two boys are the air in my lungs and the blood in my veins. They are EVERYTHING to me and that’s not hyperbole. It’s FACT. So, the idea of him moving away from me made me feel like I’d done something wrong, something to chase him away. And I was listening to a random Jason Mraz playlist on Spotify when I heard a song of his that I’d never heard before (which, in itself was a fucking miracle). That song is God Rests In Reason (yes...another God song...sorry) and it’s lyrics were so utterly perfect for the way I was feeling that I had to literally pull over on the side of the road because I couldn’t see where I was going for the tears in my eyes. Those lyrics were: “Well your children will not be your children They are the daughters and the sons a beginning They'll come through your womb but not be coming from you They will be with you, but they do not belong to you You can give them your love but not your thoughts 'Cause they'll arrive with their own hearts They're the coming of angels this blessed season Undone they’ll sing, Oh how God rests in reason God rests in reason Isn’t reason enough to prove how God moves through you God rests in reason And thank God you can direct the course of love itself of love itself Directs the course of life Believe not God is your heart child But rather you’re in the Heart of God” And it just SPOKE to everything I felt. I’d been asking myself why my child, who I love beyond everything else, who I’d lay down and die for if he asked me to, would want to leave me. Why would he want to go so far away...and God answered with this song. Because Michael has his own heart...and his heart is pulling him to Florida. And in those moments I started to feel a measure of peace. And I started to cope a little better. I stopped crying and feeling like he was telling me I’d done something wrong, and I started being proud that I’d raised my son to feel strongly enough about his own intuition to follow his dreams and reach for the things he wanted in life. I still miss him. I still hate that he’s gone. But it’s eased. And when it threatens to suffocate me, I go to this song. I realize it isn’t spine tingling in the manner that this question probably meant...but it tingled my spine that a song I’d never heard, by an artist I adore and thought I’d heard everything from, shuffled through my phone at a time that I really needed the message in it. I hope that makes sense...and fills the request.

38. A Song That You Think Is Underrated: I really think pretty much everything Penny & Sparrow has done is horribly underrated. These two men deserve at least the same amount of accolades that Hozier has. And I’m sure Hozier would agree with me if he’d listened to their catalog. I’m never NOT going to promote these guys and I know y’all are tired of it but they mean a literal shit ton to me and I NEED everyone to know their music and recognize their brilliance. They’re better than Ryan Adams, and all the other sad bastards of folk...and they’re complete and total sweethearts who really give a damn about their fans. I will not rest until I’ve told the entire world about Andy Baxter and Kyle Jahnke and that’s that about that. You can find a playlist of their entire catalog of music songs here. I listed them in order of release...and I recommend listening to them that way. At least for the first listen. But be prepared to be hooked because they’re addictive.

50. Free Slot! Any Song You Want To Share: I feel like you just had me create a playlist for you...And I’m totally OK with it. But I can tell you that...the song Green Eyes by Joseph will be featured in a forthcoming work of mine...The chapter has already been written...I just need time to finish the chapters before it. I guess this is a spoiler for the fic...but it isn’t really because if you know anything about my #1 ship...you know where I want it to go...and this song, is perfect for it.

Goodness Kenz...I hope this was what you were expecting because I feel like I wrote you a book.

Thanks for asking me for all of these songs...You know I love talking about my favorite musics. And I hope there are some songs that you just fall in love with here. I’d love to hear about it if you do. Hope you’re well.

Love you!

5 notes · View notes

themarissaharrison · 4 years

Text

Always You | Self Paragraph

Triggers: death mention, suicide mention, alcohol mention

Mentions: Nicola Slone ( @nicolaeisms ), Cleo Lopez ( @cmlopezofficial ), Lauren Sloane (NPC), Delilah Daniels (NPC), Jacquline Daniels (NPC)

Where: Nic’s Penthouse | Manhatten, NYC

When: Sunday 9th August 2020

Marissa glanced across at the clock on the nightstand as she slowly swung her legs off the bed and sat up with a bit of a groan. 04:32am. She yawned and sighed, moving her head from side to side to loosen her tight neck. She had only slept for a few hours, but honestly that was far more than she was expecting to sleep considering what day it was. After the party on Friday evening, the three of them had spent almost all of Saturday in each others' arms, talking through everything... Talking about the vineyard. Getting away from the city later on in the evening held a small amount of relief for Riss as she ran her hands down her face and then glanced back to her sleeping partners. She wanted to tuck those few loose strands of hair behind Cleo's ear, to give the now almost completely faded scar just beside Nic's lips a kiss... But, she didn't want to wake either of them up. She smiled a little and just watched them for a moment, thinking about how maybe this year wasn't going to be so bad...

The gallery owner stood up and stretched her back out as she pushed her feet into some slippers and headed through the penthouse to the kitchen, flicking on the coffee machine as she walked past it to the sink. She turned the water on and cupped her hands beneath the stream, splashing it up over her face once it started to pool in them. Riss did that a couple of times, the cold water waking her up and giving her features a bit of life to start what was undoubtedly going to be a long day. She was always up at this time in the morning. It was her favourite few hours of the day, the quietness of it, the knowledge that almost everyone else was sleeping... It had a level of peace that she never found at any other time. This morning though, as the coffee machine clicked and clanked into gear and began to brew, that peace was laced with loneliness. Riss turned the tap off and dried her face off with a clean towel from the drawer beside the sink and then walked over and leant against the island counter and watched the dirty brown caffeine drip into the cup for a moment. She sighed heavily and blinked her attention away and up to the ceiling. Her arms crossed over her chest and she just allowed her mind to drift.

She wondered what she'd be doing right now if that train had managed to stop in time, if someone had managed to grab Delilah like her now-therapist had been able to grab her. Would they have finally tried to work things out? To give in to what they had? Or... Would they still be playing the same game they had always played? Would Delilah still keeping leaving, only to come back and leave again when things got too real? Would they ever have been enough to make her stay? Would she have been enough? She had so many questions that she just desperately wanted answers for... Where was Jack? Delilah's younger sister... Where was she? Was she okay? Was she... Alive? The thought that she might not be was too much to think about, too much to even bare. The coffee machine clicked off and Marissa snapped her eyes to the cup underneath it, now full off coffee. Her fingers slipped through and wrapped around it's handle, and she carried it through to the guest room where she had been keeping her closet whilst they had all been staying at Nic's.

Riss slowly drank the coffee and got changed, slipping into a pair of jeans and an oversized hoodie that had once belonged to Hayden. She put the now empty mug on the side and wrapped her hands in the material of the sweater as she walked through to the living room quietly. Riss knelt down by the coffee table and took one of the bits of paper from the stack in the middle and wrote a little note. 'I've gone up to Manhattan. I'm okay... I'll be back soon. Love you both - Riss'. She sniffed a little and brought the note up to her lips, giving it a kiss before placing it down on the table and putting a coaster on its edge so it won't blow away if a breeze whips through from the balcony.

Marissa had a short conversation with the security, telling them where she was going, that she knew one of them needed to follow her but that she didn't want him to interrupt her at any point and to keep his distance. Then, she went down to the garage and got into her Jaguar F-Type convertible and pushed the ignition button. The other good thing about being up so early in the morning? There was no traffic. She was able to drive through the city almost without stopping, making her way up to the place she used to call home. There were times where she missed the life of being in the Upper East Side, of the glamour that used to decorate her life so heavily. But, she knew she couldn't cope living back in this part of the city again. Especially not without Nic and Cleo. As she pulled up outside the gates of the churchyard, the time on her watch ticked over to 6am. She sighed as she stared out of the car window at those gates. There was this fear still, even though she hadn’t had a relapse of seeing Delilah for a while now, that coming here... Today... Maybe she should have brought Nic and Cleo along... She glanced at her phone and the thought of texting them crossed her mind but then she looked back at the gates and shook her head. This wasn’t the place to bring them...

With a sharp inhale, Riss opened the door and got out of the car. She pulled the hood of the sweater up over her hair and then gripped the fabric around her hands and crossed her arms over her chest as she walked towards the cemetary. A moment of hesitation happened when she reached them, but she knew she needed to do this, otherwise it would just be on her mind all day and all through their trip to California. Slowly, she walked through the plots of land, making her way through the headstones until... Delilah Daniels. The lump in her throat was impossible to ignore now, the way her hands trembled just from reading her name. She sniffed and wiped her eyes quickly before looking around. She wondered whether Jack was here somewhere... Whether she was even still in the city... But, the only person she could see was the security guy stood by the gates. She sighed and looked back to the headstone and shook her head a little as she gently dropped down onto her knees and then sat down on the morning dew coated grass.

“Hey baby...” She whispered gently, trying a bit of a smile as she pulled her knees up into her chest. “I’m gonna try not t-- to cry because I know you always hated that,” she scoffed a little bit and shook her head. “You hated feelings in general but... I just... I miss you so much, and I-- I’m sorry that... I didn’t see it coming. I didn’t see the pain you were in... I didn’t-- do enough... Fuck...” Riss breathed out heavily as she wiped her eyes again with her sleeves. “But, I also just... I was so angry at you for such a long time and that feeling, the anger just ate me up inside but-- I’m done, Delilah... My Delilah-- If you were alive... I would have forgiven you by now... I would have made us talk about it and,” she couldn’t help but give a sad laugh, “you would have hated me because of that... If you survived... I know you would have hated it if I ever said I was the one who was sorry... I know you also-- you and Lauren... Thank you... For bringing them in to-- to do what you couldn’t do... And it’s--” there was no point trying to wipe away the tears now, they were freefalling. “It’s okay, Delilah... It’s okay that you couldn’t-- love me like.. Like I loved you... I get it... I understand... It’s okay...”.

Marissa tried to get a hold of her breathing, elbows resting on her knees, head in her hands as she just quietly cried at the foot of the grave of the person she loved more than anything or anyone else. “Maybe... We were always meant to say goodbye-- we were never meant to... Grow old, to have and to hold... I just wish we were-- I just wish it was supposed to be you... I wish it was us... I miss us-- I miss you...” She clenched her jaw tightly as she ran her hand under her nose and then wiped under her eyes again even though it was a bit of a redundant task. Then she just sat there... Quietly... Somewhat hoping that maybe she’d feel a hand on her shoulder, that maybe Jacquline Daniels would come to her side and say something utterly stupid, but somehow the exact thing Riss needed to hear... Just like she used to. The longer she sat there, the hours that just seemed to go by in a click, it became clear that just... Wasn’t going to happen. She glanced at her watch. 11:34am. She’d been sat here for over 5 hours and hadn’t even noticed. Riss knew she needed to go back to Kingsboro, not only did they have a flight to get ready for but Nic and Cleo were probably worried about her by now.

But, whilst she was here, there was one more thing she needed to do... For herself. She pushed up from the ground and wiped the grass off from her jeans before placing a hand on the top of the headstone, bending over and placing a gentle kiss on it. “I’ll always love you... It’ll always be you...” She muttered, hesitating for a moment before finally pulling away, swallowing down the lump that formed in her throat again. The walk back to her car seemed to take twice as long as what the walk the opposite way took but eventually she was back in the Jag. She turned it on again and pulled out onto the road, glancing in the mirror and seeing the black car following her.

The roads of the city were now packed with traffic, people getting on with their lives. Riss fucking hated traffic, and she’d certainly not missed how bad it was in Manhattan. It took half an hour to drive three blocks, so by the time she’d finally arrived at the property and parked up on the side of the road she was already pissed off. Stretching as she got out of the car, she ran her hands down her face before walking into the apartment block. She told the security guard to stick around in the lobby, what number apartment she’d be in if there was an emergency and how long she was going to be. Then she took the stairs up to the second to top floor and got to the door of the property that had once been Delilah’s, of the property that she hadn’t been in for two and a half years. Was Jack here? Riss pushed the key into the lock and turned it, pushing the door open a little and slipping inside.

What her eyes fell upon caused her to stop in her tracks. It stopped everything. Her breathing, her heart, her mind. There was... Everything was destroyed. Glass littered across the floor, picture frames smashed on the floor. Her legs slowly carried her through the apartment, furrowed brows and a hitch in her breathing. There were bottles everywhere, the TV was cracked, ripped pieces of paper now whisping across the floor because of the breeze from the open front door. “What the fuck...” She muttered and then swallowed thickly. “-- Jack?” Riss called out as she glanced into the kitchen where some cupboards were wide open, where plates were smashed in the sink and on the surfaces. “Hello?” She shouted again. What the fuck had happened here? She couldn’t help the tears that pushed out of the corner of her eyes as she walked through into the bedroom and looked at the unmade bed, the feathers from the pillows decorating the carpet.

She came back around to the living room, dropping down on the couch among the chaos as she tried to make sense that the one place she had put off coming back to had been destroyed. By who? She had no idea. There were no windows open, no doors broken, the front door had no signs of being broken into. Her thoughts went to Delilah’s sister, she still had a key, but-- this wasn’t Jack... This wasn’t who she was... Jack living in this space? Maybe even clearing it out completely? She’d believe that... But this... This was-- she swallowed thickly as the thought took hold in her head. This was more like something she’d do... But... She hadn’t been here for years-- right? Her eyes suddenly flicked up to the top corner of the room, cameras... She’d installed cameras when she had decided that she couldn’t stay here anymore... Just incase...

Marissa pushed herself up from the couch and ran through the apartment to the little study on the back of the bedroom and turned on the computer that was in there. It took a little while, but eventually it clicked on and loaded up. Her shaking hand took hold of the mouse and double clicked on the CCTV programme. She felt fucking sick. She felt like she was going to throw up at any moment. There were only a few entries on the log; the cameras being motion activated. The last one was... August 9th 2019... On her anniversary last year... Marissa felt the color fade from her skin as she clicked on it and the footage started.

Her hands came up and over her mouth as she watched herself coming into the apartment... She had-- no recollection of this. Even watching it now she couldn’t remember this... She was drunk, that much was clear, she couldn’t even walk in a straight line. God, what had she done to herself... What had she become... Riss found her head slowly shaking from side to side as her whole body trembled and her eyes flicked between the screens, watching herself wander through Delilah’s apartment. She was crying, both right now and back then. Tears streaming down her face. How-- how could she not remember this? Then, she jumped as the woman she couldn’t even remember took a picture off the wall and threw it across the room and then... This rage... Marissa couldn’t-- she couldn’t take her eyes away from it but she also couldn’t bare to watch... Her breath kept catching in her throat until eventually she couldn’t even see through the tears.

She practically fell out of the chair, down onto the floor and scootched back up against the wall as if she was withdrawing from something. Her entire body jerked as she cried, the sounds of things smashing and the sounds of her own yelling playing through the speakers. Her hands clasped over her ears as she shook her head desperately, as she gasped for air, as tears made the burgandy sweater look even darker that it was. “Stop-- stop it-- stop-- stop---” She pleaded quietly, rocking back and forth until eventually, after half an hour or so, she heard the sound of a door shut through the speakers and she looked up and the video cut out to black.

Then, she remembered... She remembered because... She knew where she was going, back then-- that was the start of the end... She was headed to Central Park, to the subway station, to the same one where Delilah killed herself... She was going to follow her... Over the edge. For so long, she had no idea how she had ended up there, no idea what had lead to that-- through countless therapy sessions at the hosptial she tried to speak about that day, about this day... She couldn’t... But-- this was it... The rage... Marissa fumbled through her pockets, she knew that if she didn’t do this now, she might slip-- she might not be able to later... She pulled out her phone, scrolled down her contacts to Nicola. She opened up their messages and sent an Apple Maps location ping along with just three words...

I need you.

#self para #sp; always you #always you #c; nic #c; cleo #delilah

2 notes · View notes

songstresstinyteacup · 4 years

Note

Eurydice asks why Seph and Hades are still married if they hate eachother so much. Hades and Seph explain why it is they love each other even after all this time. Bonus: Hades and Seph tell the story of how they fell in love :)

Eurydice glanced up at the sight of the manor in front of her, one of the rare times she ever looked up these days.

The songbird had been summoned by request of the lady, and no one ever refused Lady Persephone, not even King Hades.

Her thick work boots crunched the gravel under her feet, sickening crunches that felt worse with every step she took. The noise reminded her of the mines, reminded her that she was doomed to the mines for all eternity.

Eurydice’s eyes quickly welled up with tears, stinging as she spared a thought to her lover up above.

Orpheus...

What was he doing now? Persephone told her after she came home this fall that Orpheus didn’t sing anymore, but promised Eurydice he was being looked after.

Eurydice remembered the fierceness in her eyes when she’d promised that, and had since wondered if that promise meant that she too was being looked after.

It would make sense, Eurydice decided, since King Hades had often invited her to dinner over the months when Persephone was gone.

They’d sit quietly, Hades enjoying the presence of another person in his home, and Eurydice enjoying the lack of loud chatter that usually accompanied the mess hall, the two picking at their meals but not eating much of anything.

The crunching of the gravel path turned into a loud clomping noise on a large wooden porch, stopping only for Eurydice to turn the doorknob to the great manor and enter.

She didn’t need to knock anymore, Hades had told her so, given the frequency of her visits, but it still felt like an intrusion.

Her boots echoed mercilessly on the clean wooden floors, wax sparkling under the Edison lights, which told Eurydice it must have been recently done for Persephone’s return to the underworld.

Eurydice didn’t need to look up to know the way into the dining room, the place she’d been told to meet her hosts, just as Eurydice didn’t need to look up to see the interior of the manor was a far cry from the dark exterior.

The walls were painted a pretty off-white, pictures adorning them in strategic clusters. The wood of the floors a pretty mahogany that must have cost a fortune to get shipped to the underworld, though Hades had the money.

A gramophone stood at attention near the sofa, green throw pillows sitting atop decadent brown leather and waiting for someone to sit on them, though Eurydice would never dare, if only to keep the leather clean, as Eurydice was seldom clean anymore.

The mines were never the cleanest place to work.

Soft humming from the kitchen caught her attention, a melody she knew with ever fiber in her being, one that sparked heartache and licked at her veins like a fire she couldn’t escape from.

Orpheus’ song.

A breath caught in her chest and burned, while her eyes burned with tears she wouldn’t allow herself to shed, then she heard the clicking of Persephone’s heels in front of her.

“Eurydice! It’s so good to see you!” Persephone’s voice was warm, and for the first time since she’d entered Eurydice raised her head to look on at the goddess before her.

“Lady Persephone.” The words and half smile left her tongue and played on her lips before she could stop herself, not that Persephone seemed to mind.

The goddess instead swept Eurydice into what once had been a bone-crushing hug and then brought her hands up to caress her face.

“Have you eaten?” Persephone inquired, moving her hands from Eurydice’s dirt smudged cheeks down to her shoulders.

Eurydice tried to pretend she didn’t notice the flicker of sadness in Persephone’s eyes when the goddess felt how bony her shoulders had become, they were muscular too, but thin and bony.

Eurydice shook her head, she didn’t need to eat anymore, but unless Hades or Persephone goaded her into it, she only ate enough to keep up the illusion she was taking care of herself.

“Okay. Why don’t you go into the guest bedroom and scrub up? I’ve laid something out for you on the bed. Leave the work clothes in the bathroom, I’ll see to them later.” Persephone’s words, though phrased like a question, were a demand, so Eurydice simply looked back at the floor and went into the bathroom.

After Eurydice spent an unknown amount of time scrubbing the sediment and grime from her skin and had dried herself with one of the fluffy towels Persephone had also placed for her to use, she padded into the bedroom to see the clothes she had arrived to Hadestown wearing.

Her knees buckled, and her eyes stung with tears as she grabbed the fabric of the dress and pulled it on, then the tights with too many rips up the legs, then her old boots and oversized vest.

Eurydice only paused when she reached for what should have been her scarf, then something caught her attention.

Persephone hadn’t laid out her scarf at all, she’d replaced it with one of Orpheus’ red bandanas he usually wore around his neck.

Shaking hands brought the ratty old bandana up to press into her nose, and Eurydice inhaled deeply to fill her lungs with the faint scent of her lover’s cologne, a few tears leaking from her eyes and rolling down her face.

“Orpheus...” Eurydice almost croaked, voice unused so much of the time that it wasn’t up to her standard lilting soprano.

The songbird had died, the little bird had sang it’s last note the moment Orpheus had looked back. A lark took it’s place, and larks never sing when they’re captive.

Then, Eurydice was tying the bandana around her neck, adjusting the knot so that the ties pointed in the direction that her heart would have been in if she were still alive, then she stepped out of the bedroom and into the kitchen.

There was a low murmur of conversation, Hades and Persephone’s voices going back and forth, broken only by the occasional bark from Cerberus.

“Don’t you dare tease that baby, Hades! Cerberus, baby, is daddy being mean to you?”

“Unbelievable. He’s my dog, but the moment you call he runs straight to you.”

Eurydice cracked a smile, knowing first hand how similar Hades and Cerberus really were.

They both pouted for weeks after Persephone went back up top, the only difference is that Cerberus laid out on the floor, while Hades laid out on the couch.

“What can I say, I have both of the underworld’s most frightening creatures wrapped around my little finger.” Eurydice could almost hear the triumphant grin in Persephone’s voice, almost see the little smirk on her face as she teased her husband.

“That you do, my love. That you do.” Hades added, and when Eurydice crossed the doorway into the room she saw Hades pull Persephone close and plant a soft and gentle kiss on her lips.

“I’m sure Eurydice didn’t want to see that, Hades!” Persephone prodded her husband in the arm to get him to release her, now free to hang up the tea towel on the hook by the cabinets.

Hades chuckled, which made Eurydice smile, though it was a small smile. The man was utterly devoted to his wife and came alive when she was near.

“C’mon in, Eurydice. Persephone’s made enough food to feed a small army, so we’ll both have to eat like we do it regularly.” Hades held out his arm, motioning to the table awaiting the three.

There were three places made up, one at the head of the table, and the two next to it, so Eurydice sat down quietly at one of the side places while Persephone seated herself at the head seat, Hades filing in opposite Eurydice.

When Hades was distracted by unfolding his napkin, Eurydice flashed her eyes to Persephone, touched the bandana, and mouthed her thanks. Persephone only smiled and winked, then went started passing around the dishes.

After they’d eaten, Hades quickly excused himself to his study to see to some ledgers he couldn’t ignore, leaving Persephone and Eurydice to chatter quietly.

Finally, a burning question that had come to Eurydice’s mind when Hades had kissed Persephone’s hand before he rose from his chair, then her cheek before he excused himself, could no longer be ignored.

Not but fifteen minutes had passed since the king of the mines had retired to his study, Persephone still sitting with Eurydice and stirring her glass of pomegranate juice mindlessly with her straw while they chattered.

Eurydice knew the goddess well enough to know that Persephone might be wishing there was something stronger in her glass, especially if today were a bad day.

Eurydice had seen Persephone through several good and bad days, days where the goddess had been so shaky from lack of drink that it sapped all her strength away, when her stomach turned anything she ate to bile that was promptly rejected, when the sweats and night terrors plagued her mind with all manner of horrors.

Persephone had been there for her after the turn, the least Eurydice could do was support the goddess as she tried to cleanse herself of several centuries worth of heavy drinking.

“Somethin’ wrong, little bird?” Persephone’s voice snapped Eurydice out of her endless trail of thoughts and back into the moment.

“No, nothing wrong, exactly. I’m just curious.” Eurydice was quick to assure her friend, sipping at her glass of water.

Persephone raised an eyebrow, very much mirroring her husband’s frequent quizzical looks.

“Curious about what?”, The goddess inquired, and before Eurydice could stop herself, she blurted out, “Why are you still married to Hades if you hate each other as much as you do?”.

Persephone froze, then after a few seconds she allowed a lazy smile to play on her lips.

“Oh, Eurydice. We don’t hate each other, not in the least. We’re madly in love, but we were never quite able to communicate with each other. Sure, we clash over a list of topics longer than the River Styx, get each other so riled up that we can barely be in the same house, but that’s just who we are. Our love languages are different, but we’ve been married so long that giving up was never an option.” Persephone explained, laughing to herself.

Eurydice’s brow knit together, her fingers fumbled over the fabric of her tights.

“Doesn’t seem like you love each other at all. Never seemed like it until that moment when the world came back into tune.” Again, the words came without warning or barrier, and for a moment she wondered if Persephone would tell Hades of her insolence.

Instead the goddess smiled again, taking a tiny sip of her juice before pushing her glass away.

“Don’t let my man fool you, he’s nothing more than a big softie at heart. He’s the gentlest of his brothers, though he tries to look like the toughest. Gods knows, when I’m involved in any kinda trouble it tears him up somethin’ fierce.”

Something in Eurydice’s brain just wouldn’t light, but she didn’t need to ask Persephone for clarification.

“Trouble as in I’ve been hurt or put myself in dangerous situations, like mine collapses, riots, or even the bar fights up top. Damn near makes himself sick broodin’ until I come back down and he can see for himself I’m alright.”

It was as if the goddess could read her mind, but her answers continued to puzzle and confuse Eurydice.

“Bullshit.” Eurydice snickered out, hands coming to rest at the edge of the table as Persephone laughed.

“It’s true, Eurydice, and I can prove it to you.” Persephone pushed her chair away from the table, then walked all the way up the stairs and down the hallway.

The thud of her heels on the upstairs floor echoed through the downstairs, and even so Eurydice knew Persephone would be making her way to Hades’ office.

The office door opened and shut, then several minutes passed before the door opened and shut a second time, Persephone’s heels echoing on the floor until she had reached the edge of the stairs.

One step was taken, then a loud racket brought Eurydice up to her feet and at the base of the stairs where Persephone was sitting up slowly, one hand cradling an ankle and a string of soft swears exiting her lips.

Eurydice was not the only one who’d heard the fall, Cerberus had taken a place near Persephone’s form and was standing guard. He did not growl at Eurydice as she knelt at the goddess’s side, but he watched.

Then Hades’ office door slammed against the frame with a bang, heavy footsteps pounding until his form appeared at the top of the stairs and barreled down them to Persephone’s side.

The king knelt, examining Persephone’s body and taking one of her hands.

“What happened? Are you alright?” Hades inquired lowly, voice and eyes thick with concern as Persephone grimaced.

“I got dizzy on my way down and missed one of the steps, I should be okay, I’m just rattled.” Persephone hissed out, locking eyes with her husband and allowing him to press a quick and gentle kiss to her forehead.

“Can you stand?” Hades inquired, the concern in his voice touching Eurydice who looked on silently.

“I think so.” Persephone confirmed, then allowed Hades to hold her arm as she pried herself back onto her feet.

Then her legs buckled when she started to put some weight on the ankle she had been cradling, a protest from her body that was not to be ignored. Hades wasted no time in scooping her up in his arms as she whined in pain, then he looked at Eurydice.

“Can you pull out one of the chairs?” Hades inquired, cocking his head in the direction of the kitchen and moving as soon as Eurydice had done what he’d asked.

The songbird-turned-lark watched as Hades carefully settled Persephone in the chair and pulled another closer to prop her injured ankle on it, then Hades removed her shoe and began carefully turning the ankle and rotating it to assess the injury.

Persephone didn’t make much noise, but the grimace on her face didn’t leave until Hades placed her foot back down to rest on the chair, then he furrowed his brow and slid into the chair opposite her, lifting her foot to rest on his lap.

“You need to be more careful coming down the stairs, lover. This could have been much worse.” Hades murmured, tracing carefully around her ankle with a feather-light finger.

“I know, love. I know. I was just coming to tell Eurydice our love story, I guess I got too excited.” Persephone cast her eyes down, tilting her chin down as she did so and heaving a heavy sigh.

Hades chuckled, holding out one of his hands toward Persephone and smiling when she took it in her own.

“Been a while since you wanted to tell that story.” Hades grinned, voice lighter at the mere mention of their love.

Persephone nodded, smiling herself as she squeezed Hades’ hand gently.

“Why don’t you tell it with me, darling?” She inquired, batting her eyelashes at Hades before an involuntary shiver made her body shudder and shake.

Hades carefully stood up, placing her injured ankle gently on the surface of the chair.

“In a moment, love. I’ll be right back.”

And on that note, Hades exited the kitchen and started up the stairs.

As soon as Persephone was sure Hades couldn’t see or hear her, she giggled at Eurydice as she lifted the ankle from the chair and wiggled it around without so much as a wince.

Eurydice was gobsmacked, mouth agape as she realized just how sneaky Persephone had been in luring Hades out of his office.

The goddess in question winked, then quickly settled her ankle back on the chair and resumed a look of mild misery just before Hades crossed back to her side with a knit shawl in his hands.

Eurydice watched as Hades carefully draped the shawl over Persephone’s shoulders, taking gentle hands and freeing the curls he’d trapped beneath it and helping them to once more flow over Persephone’s back and shoulders, while Persephone looked on with a tender smile.

“Hades, my light. Sit down and help me tell Eurydice how we became two halves of a whole love.” Persephone patted the chair next to her gently, Hades capturing her hand with his own as he sat and she rested her head on his shoulder.

It was odd for Eurydice to see the king be so tender toward his queen, even if it was behind the safety of their own home’s walls.

“I’m afraid the stories have painted me a villain, and Seph a victim. Most mortals believe what her mother spews, that I saw her in a field and stole her away without any consent from her. She said that I kidnapped her and assaulted her, tricked her into eating seeds that would trap her with me for half of the year. If only they knew the real story.” Hades sighed, looking at Eurydice now that Persephone was settled next to him.

Persephone nodded against his shoulder.

“The thing is that we met in secret many times before we eloped, initially we met at one of my brother’s absurd parties. It was a brief introduction to her by my brother, Demeter wouldn’t have let me within a half a mile of Persephone otherwise.” Hades began, pressing a kiss to the top of her hand and watching her smile as he spoke.

“Mama didn’t let any man within a half a mile of me unless Zeus brought them over. I snuck out to the gardens later that night and I found Hades there, hiding from the noise and ridiculous customs of an Olympian party. We bonded over feeling trapped in situations we couldn’t avoid. I remember thinkin’ how handsome he looked, how strong and brave.” Persephone added.

Hades humphed quietly.

“All I could focus on was how beautiful she was, draped in moonlight and a dress of a simple linen, so unlike any of the other dresses on Olympus that night. Plain and demure, not flashy and ostentatious. Such a lovely flower.” He continued, winking at Persephone who scrunched her face up in embarrassment.

“Mama thought that if I dressed simply it would keep the, what phrase did she use? The insatiable gods who’d take great pleasure in deflowering me, if my memory serves.” Persephone interjected again, rolling her eyes as she flopped her head back onto Hades’ shoulder.

“Shame it worked against her plan. By the time I had to leave the gardens to return to my throne, Persephone had goaded me into weekly visits. How many visits was it till you greeted me in that field in a glittering black dress, carnations in hand?” Hades snickered, and Eurydice watched light bounce into Persephone’s eyes and smile as she grinned and gazed at her husband.

“Four, darling. But I had the best seamstress in the village start that dress the morning after the party. I knew you were the man I was fated to marry.” Persephone beamed, capturing his lips in a soft and quick kiss.

Eurydice averted her eyes, but asked another question.

“You don’t regret any of it, do you?”

Persephone and Hades immediately shook their heads.

“No, songbird. I regret our inability to communicate our insecurities and needs, but I’ll never regret marrying the love of my life.” Persephone added, lacing her fingers through Hades’ and watching as Eurydice smiled.

There was a moment of comfortable silence, then Persephone swatted Hades.

“In any case, that’s not why we called you here today. Persephone and I would like you to move into the guesthouse in the manor’s grounds. It’s much nicer than the dormitory you’ve been living in, and we’d feel much better being able to look after you. Isn’t that right, love?” Hades quickly picked up his wife’s cue.

Persephone nodded, smiling as Hades materialized a new contract from thin air and passed it over to Eurydice.

“We’d also like you to take over some of the responsibilities of the bar. You’d work alongside me, away from the mines. You have time to consider the offer, of course. We don’t expect you to accept right now.” Persephone piggybacked onto Hades’ statement, but before either god could utter a syllable more, Eurydice slammed into both of them and hugged them as tightly as she could.

“Thank you. It’s a nice offer, but... if I accept, what happens to Orpheus and I, when it’s his time to die?” Eurydice’s voice was unsteady when she pulled away, and hot tears burned her eyes as she tried to blink them away.

Persephone’s warm smile faded to a softer one, and Hades cleared his throat as he materialized another contract from the air.

“Your poet signed a contract of his own. When it’s his time to die, he’ll use a ticket that I’ve given him to wear around his neck, and not a moment before it’s his natural time to die. Then, Orpheus will come to Hadestown as a musician for the bar, and he’ll live with you in the guesthouse. He signed the deal himself.” Hades’ voice softened, and was as warm as Eurydice had ever heard it to be.

Thick, hot tears rolled down her cheeks now, Eurydice openly sobbing as she saw Orpheus’ signature on the dotted line, sobbing even as she slammed back into Persephone and wept freely into the goddess’s curls.

“Thank you.” Eurydice sobbed, whimpering as Persephone rubbed her back and hummed a familiar melody that warmed Eurydice’s heart in a way that only a mother-figure could.

“No, sweetest. Thank you.” Persephone murmured, wiping each of Eurydice’s unruly tears as she glanced over at Hades, who was gently rubbing Persephone’s shin all the while.

All would be well, Eurydice was now certain. Persephone and Hades had given her a reason to look up again, something to look forward to.

They had given her Orpheus again.

#sparrow asks #I adore this prompt #I got SO carried away

10 notes · View notes

spacereadinglesbian · 5 years

Text

Dear TJ

Summary: Cyrus writes TJ a letter while he’s in the hospital for a suicide attempt.

Trigger warnings ⚠️ Metion of suicide attempt (nothing heavy)

Word count: 1806

Dear TJ,

While you’re reading this your head is probably laying down on a rough hospital pillow and your body is covered by the fuzzy blankets I brought to you three days ago. You’re probably wondering why I’m writing you a letter instead of a phone call, well the answers simple. The hospital monitors phone calls and this is more personable. I don’t really know how start this, that might be why I’m rambling on, I don’t want to say the wrong thing, well write the wrong thing.

Do you remember when we were 14, and going into our freshmen year of high school? We were treading on the line of friends and more than friends. God, I never thought that I would actually being dating THE Theodore James Kippen. Do you remember that night when I was sleeping over at your house and you said “let’s sneak out.” I was so nervous, but at the same time I wanted to impress you. You packed a blanket and an extra hoodie in your bag and we climbed out the window, we headed to the beach. We held hands the whole 37 minute walk there, the only time we let go was when you talked with your hands. I hated it when you talked with your hands that night because I missed the feel of your soft skin on mine. We talked about everything and nothing all in one. I told you about my schedule that the school sent me and you told me about that book you just read. I was still in shock that you were a huge ass nerd. When we finally got to the beach we laid out the blanket you packed and sat on the sand. I laid my head down on your chest and both our hearts were beating abnormally fast. I’ll never forget the cheesiest words that you ever said to me “my heart only beats like this for you.” I knew at the moment that I was falling in love. I decided to take a leap faith and start leaning in to kiss you but, you had the same idea. This wasn’t our first kiss and it sure wasn’t going to be our last but it was special. It said everything we were scared to say and more. We stayed like that, exchanging kisses with the stars in the sky for a while, I felt safe, damn I never felt that safe before. When we pulled apart your eyes were sparkling and your smile was even more gorgeous than the night sky. You took my hand and said “Cy, let’s go skinny dipping.” I thought you were crazy. The only thing going through my mind was “I’m going to get hypothermia and die” but I was drunk on love and decided to go anyway. It was 1’ o’clock in the morning and we were running into the ocean, we were the only two people in the world at that moment. I wanted to stay in that one moment forever. Once we got out of the ocean we put out clothes back on and cuddled under the blanket. You whispered in my ear “Cyrus Joshua Goodman, I’m falling in love with you. Please don’t break my heart.” My reply is still the same today “I don’t plan on it.”

I guess I’m just going down memory lane because all I can think about right now is our freshmen homecoming dance. Do you remember how you asked me? You pulled a Troy Bolton and got the whole basketball team together. Every single player had a tshirt with a different letter and colour on it representing a rainbow, in spelt out “HOMECOMING?” I jumped into your arms with an excited yes.

That Saturday couldn’t come fast enough. We were so excited. You told me the seniors on the basketball team said “Kippen, you don’t wear tuxes, you wear dress pants and a dress shirt. Got it?” We went out and both bought black dress pants, you bought a grey button down with a yellow tie, I got a yellow button down with a grey tie. Your mom wouldn’t stop taking pictures of us. At one point you yelled “MOM! I KNOW WE’RE THE CUTEST COUPLE AT GRANT BUT YOU GOTTA TAKE IT DOWN A NOTCH.” I kinda wish you took your own advice because you went haywire when we didn’t win homecoming court. When Melissa Jacobs and Josiah Grant won, you yelled “THIS IS HOMOPHOBIA!” Then we left. We went to Denny’s and shared the all you can eat pancakes and bottomless coffee. We were there until 12 am. I think that was one of my favourite nights.

Christmas vacation our sophomore year. We’ve been together for a little over a year and I wanted this to be absolutely perfect for you. You told me that your Christmas will be perfect if you had me by your side. I went shopping for weeks having no clue what to get you until I saw it. It was a key chain that said “drive safe, I need you home. Love Cyrus.” I also got you a sugar cookie candle with our picture on it. We begged your mom for weeks to let me spend the night, and on the 22nd and she actually let me. We spent that whole night in a blanket fort watching Christmas movies (even though I’m Jewish) and stealing kisses. You snuck down to the basement and stole a bottle of wine out of your moms wine cabinet. We knew we could get caught but we didn’t care. We finished the whole bottle and by the end we were a laughing mess, I can’t believe we didn’t wake your parents. That night I fell asleep with my head on your chest and your arm around my body, the next morning I woke up with a hangover. I wouldn’t trade it for a thing.

The summer going into our junior year of high school was magical. We went camping and hiking, we stayed up to see the sun rise. We picked flowers in flower fields and you taught me how to surf. I never thought I could fall more in love with you than I already was, but that summer proved me wrong.

I’ll never forget that night when there was a knock on my window at 1:37 am. I got out of my bed wearing your oversized gym shorts and that’s when I saw you. You were wearing your glasses but, your eyes were still puffy from crying. I slowly tried to help you get into my bedroom, once you hit the floor the tears started rolling out of you. We sat there on the floor for what felt like centuries. You laid your head on my lap while I played with your hair and whispered calming things into your ear. Once your tears subsided I asked what was going on. Your answer was “I have no clue.” We spent the rest of the night cuddled in my bed watching re-runs of friends and eating cookie dough ice cream. The next day you went to the doctors and got on antidepressants.

The few months following your doctors appointment were rough, but babe we got through them, and we learned to love each other even more.

Then last week happened. You texted me and told me that you were staying home from school because “you weren’t feeling it” I understood. I went through the whole day knowing I was going to surprise you at home after school, but then I got a text message. The text said “I love you.” I knew I shouldn’t be worried about it, but I was. I left the school as soon as I read it and hurried to your house. It was only a 5 minute drive. The door was locked but luckily I knew where the spare key was kept, it was under the flower pot. I stepped into your yellow house calling out your name. I got no response. I went into your room and that’s where I saw you. I was so thankful, I thought you were just taking a nap so I thought I’d join you. That’s when I got closer and realised that was all a fantasy. You had pill bottles littering your floor. Your anti-depressant, sleeping pills, and some of your moms prescribed pain killers. I froze at the moment, I had no clue how bad it was. I called 9-1-1 and that’s when the words suicide attempt exited my mouth. The ambulance came fast, and I called your mom, she said she’d meet us at the hospital. The ambulance wouldn’t let me drive with them, I followed them in my car. I waited in the waiting room for 6 hours, on edge, we didn’t know if you were alive. The doctors finally came out and told us we could see you. When I saw you, tears fell out of both of our eyes. The only words coming out of your mouth was the repetition of “I’m sorry.” I said it then, and dammit I’ll say it again, TJ you have nothing to be sorry about. That night I spent the night in your hospital room, the next morning you were being transported to a hospital for teenagers with mental health issues. Your nurse told me that I shouldn’t see you everyday. It might make your recovery harder, and you need to find the strength to wake up in the morning. If you think I haven’t seen you in three days because I fell out of love with you, it’s the exact opposite. I haven’t seen you because I love you. I need you to get better Teej. The amount of times I’ve been in that parking lot a drove away is crazy, I’m hoping they don’t have security cameras because they probably think I’m stalking a patient. I need you to know that I love you.

Theodore, I know these few months are going to be rough, but you can’t get rid of me that easily. I’m going to be here for you through your highs and lows, ups and downs. I’ll be there when you can’t sleep or when you feel like you can’t wake up. You are worth more than the stars in the sky, and I can’t imagine a life without you. You’re strong and brave and beautiful and miraculous. You’re going to get through this. And I’m going to love you through it all.

I’ll see you tomorrow with some sweatshirts, sweatpants, pens and notebooks, I might even bring a coffee if they allow it. Then I won’t see you until you get out.

Theodore James Kippen, I am so utterly in love with you. Hold on for me please.

Love always,

Cyrus

#andi mack #buffy driscoll #cyrus goodman #disney #tj kippen #tj x cyrus #mental health #tyrus fanfic #tyrus andi mack #tyrus #ambi #jonah beck #andi x amber #amber #andi mack fanfic

179 notes · View notes

never---ending---story · 4 years

Text

A Year Redacted

Possible triggers: Death mentions/implied death, hysterics, panic, and not believing. They also call a person who’s in hysterics, insane.

See end of the post for inspirations

Word count: only 1,741

—————————————————

The morning was just another day really. It didn’t start in shambles or with the universe collapsing. Eli had woken up grumpily and everything was blurry. He forgot why. Last night he was up studying a recent breakthrough on black holes. Maybe his vision was clouded by sleep. Hopefully, it would clear up soon. So, he stumbled blindly around his apartment until he stumbled into his roommate, Damien, who snorted.

“There you are!” He exclaimed “you left these on the bathroom counter,” he said holding out something. It was a blur of black lines. They almost looked like- oh. Glasses. They were his glasses. That was the missing piece. Eli had worn glasses for 16 years by now how could he have possibly forgotten. He felt overwhelmingly embarrassed as he put the glasses- his glasses and looked at Damien. He had a mildly amused expression on his face and his jet black hair stuck out at odd angles.

“What is it,” he asked, “you look confused. And I might add embarrassed, your cheeks red.”

Eli sighed and shook his head “I just,” a chuckle escaped his lips “is it dumb that I forgot that I wear glasses?”

“You forgot that you- Eli you’ve had those for-”

“Sixteen years. Yeah, Yeah I get it. No need to harass me,” Eli crossed his arms as Damien laughed at him

“You act like it’s the end of the world. You were probably just unreasonably tired, I saw you up at like 2 am” Eli’s roommate took a step past him, “you want some coffee? We can stop by Starbucks or someplace.”

“We have a coffee maker idiot.”

Damien waltzed into the kitchen and opened a cabinet. “So what? Everything is better when it’s not in this crappy apartment”. The black-haired man stood on the tip of his toes and grabbed a cereal box from the top shelf. Damien was short-ish, around 5’9, so he always wore platform shoes. They made him confident until someone commented on him. Obviously, he wasn’t wearing the shoes at 5 am seeing as he was still in his pajamas and pouring his milk before his cereal like a psychopath.

“I hate how you make cereal,” Eli commented, “you’re worse than a serial killer.”

“Eli, the Zodiac Killer wishes he were me”

Eli snorted and walked into the kitchen, leaning against the counter. “You do know that cereal is terrible for you right?”

Damien shrugged “That’s kinda the point. Maybe if I eat enough I’ll go into a coma. Lord knows I need to catch up on sleep.”

Eli couldn’t argue with that as he fished a handful of cereal out of the box and into his hand. He carefully tilted his head back and dumped cereal into his mouth. Damien made fake gagging noises. Eli only called it a “feast fit for a king” before he walked off to get ready for another, likely uneventful, day with the addition of Damien following him around as his mentee.

When Eli and Damien walked into the lab everything seemed okay. Nothing was out of place, besides one scientist who Eli knew as Eric Channing. The man had a brilliant mind and was usually calm and collected. Today was different. Eric ran about the lab talking to people, looking as if he were begging them to do something. Damien, who was following Eli around, nudged his shoulder.

“Is he okay?” he asked quietly, “He looks just about ready to break down.”

Eli observed Eric more. He was fidgeting and tugging on people’s arms with a look that Eli could only describe as pure fear. He was talking fast and his eyes were wide as saucers. Dr.Channing’s hair was sticking out at odd angles. He locked eyes with Eli across the room and ran over. He looked about ready to cry.

“Dr.Nunn!” He cried, grabbing both of Eli’s arms, “You have to listen to me,” he begged. Eli glanced over at Damien with worry, by the mentee only looked mildly amused. He looked back at Eric.

“What can I do for you?” he asked.

Eric took a deep breath, “the world is going to end if we don’t stop our current time traveling project.” he said. A scientist walked by “sure it is buddy” he mumbled. Seems Eric really had gone to everybody. “If you go through with the current project you’ll get us all killed.” Eric continued as if he hadn’t heard, which judging by the desperation he probably didn’t. He was too caught up in his own story that he didn’t notice. “I know you’re close to Carson! You have-” He pushed on, but Damien interrupted.

“Eric, are you okay. Do you need a doctor?” he asked

Eric looked ready to explode. “I AM A DOCTOR!” he all but screamed. He looked over to Eli again, a silent prayer hidden in his eyes. “Elijah you have to believe me.” he got choked up, “I don’t want to die. Not like this.”

Eli didn’t know what to think. Eric looked so serious, but the world wasn’t going to end. He would’ve known.

“Eric, where did you hear this?” Eli asked, and Eric looked crushed. Before he could get upset and say Eli didn’t believe him he started speaking. “I need solid evidence. It’s literally a part of my job. How did you hear that? What’s going to happen?”

Eric’s brown eyes lit up a bit but the fear on his face never left. “It’s hard to explain, but I found that the required amount of energy we need is just too much. After doing some calculations I found that if we go through with this it will-”

“Cause a power shortage?” Damien guessed, “that’s not the end of the world”

“Would you shut up Mr.Lee!? It’s not just going to cause a shortage it’s going to destroy the universe!” A chill went up Eli’s spine as Eric continued. “Either it would cause a reaction like the Big Bang that would wipe us out in minutes! Maybe even seconds. Or it would completely obliterate time and space.”

Eli felt a trickle of sweat trail down the back of his collar. Fear was in his every muscle. That couldn’t be real. Damien of the other hand had an unreadable emotion on his face

“That’s not funny Eric,” He said seriously, “do your math again. People like Eli have been studying this stuff for years.”

A few tears fell down Eric’s face but he wiped them away. “You’re horrible,” he hissed, “I’ve spent just as long on this project.” he was looking to Eli once more, “you believe me right? I’m not crazy…right?”

Eli wanted to say that he wasn’t crazy, but Damien was right. Eli had spent six years on this project. He and his team couldn’t have forgotten about something as important as that.

“Eric,” he said gently, pulling his arms out of the young man’s grasp, “I think you need to see a psychiatrist, or maybe just catch some sleep.”

Eric broke down then and there. He sobbed and fell to the floor. Eli wanted to console him, but the head of the lab, Dr. Carson Anderson, said he would handle it, so Damien dragged Eli away.

The next day, Eric was at his desk when Eli walked into the office. He was calmly typing out something on his computer.

Damien gave Eric an odd look and whispered to Eli, “It looks like someone needed a nap.” Eli glared at him and elbowed him in the side.

When the time came for the lab’s time travel unit to be tested, they were holding the envelope they were going to send. Eli bounced around excitedly with his fellow scientists (and Damien) as final checks were made. Everything was going fine. And still, everyone seemed on edge. Eric’s words bounced around Eli’s head, “Either it would cause a reaction like the Big Bang, Or it would completely obliterate time and space.”

Speaking of the devil, Eric calmly walked into the room and handed a letter to Dr.Carson Anderson. It was in a neat envelope, with a fancy lab wax seal. Carson smiled at Eric and put a hand on his shoulder as he spoke to him. When Eric was done talking to Carson, he walked over to Eli, and Damien.

Eli tapped him on the shoulder as the head of the lab packaged the letter they were sending. Apparently it was being sent back in time. As odd as it was, no one dared doubt, Carson. After all, he was a genius. Eric hummed in acknowledgment of Eli.

“Are you feeling any better,” he asked, “you were kind of a wreck yesterday.”

Eric shrugged, looking at his feet, ‘I’ve learned to cope.”

As Dr.Carson put the envelope in the machine, Damien asked: “So, your calculations were incorrect?”

Dr.Channing shook his head solemnly “No. We’re all going to die”. His voice was scarily calm and Eli felt himself shiver. “The letter they’re sending isn’t the one they wanted me to write. It’s a letter to the past. Kind of like a suicide letter, maybe a letter of mass homicide. It depends on how you look at it really.”

Eli was definitely shaking. From head to toe.

“I ran my numbers. Again and again. Nothing I did was wrong,” he looked at Eli and Damien with a dead stare. How ironic. “I’ve learned to accept it. Maybe if you believed me, you would have too.”

Damien put his hand on Eli’s shoulder as a comforting gesture. He could tell how utterly terrified Eli felt.

“We’re not going to die,” he whispered, “he’s just insane.” This didn’t help Eli’s nerves. He felt like crying. Was this how Eric felt.

Carson put his hand on the lever and started a countdown from ten with a broad smile.

Ten

Eli turned to Damien and shook his head, “I can’t do this.” he whispered

Eight

Damien quickly realized that if Eli was scared, he was bound to get scared too. Now was the moment

Six

Eric shook his head and checked his watch.

Four

Eli hugged Damien and buried his face in his jacket as the crowd of scientists got to three. “You’re my best friend, I love you,” He said, just loud enough for Damien to hear.

Two

Damien hugged him back tightly. “Eli I,-”

There was no time for anything else.

—————————————————

That’s my story, inspired by a school prompt. Here’s the newsletter I was given. This is what Eric sent to the past as a warning.

#fiction #end of me #end of time #end of the world #personal story #text post #story #original character #original content #original writing #original #my ocs #my writing #original chracter #time travel #implied death #death ment tw

1 note · View note

breathebangtan · 5 years

Text

Credulous

Ch. 1: Savior

Genere: FallenGuardianAngel!Jimin, Supernatural

Members: Jimin

Pairings: Jimin x y/n

Synopsis: love is an uncontrollable feeling, even for those who were meant to protect, and only protect. Nothing more and nothing less. Yet somehow, there was always outliers.

Warnings: Cursing, drunk behavior and what not

Word count: 2.5k

A/N: Please like and reblog if you enjoy!

Teaser | Mood board 1.0 | 1.5 | 2.0 | 2.5 | Ch.2

“I’ve got to go now, my lunch break just ended. So, I’ll see you later?” Rae asks through the phone, to which I hum in response. I hang up and toss my phone to the other side of my bed. Lately I’d been spending too much time alone, but I never truly felt alone. It always felt like someone was there with me, and it wasn’t at all an ill feeling. Not creepy, or eerie, or anything, it was actually quite a warm and welcoming feeling. Wasn’t sure why I felt that way, but the amount of warmth and comfort it brought pushed my questioning thoughts away.

Still remember the first time I felt it. I was sat on my living room floor, crying desperately for help. Help that no one would be able to give me. I’d been fired that night, and bills were starting to pile up. I wasn’t sure where I’d find a new job. I’d felt angry and wronged, the only reason I was fired was because of someone else’s mistake. Unfortunately for me, that person had it out for me, blaming their mistake on me purposefully. I remember how the anger and sadness made me feel empty inside. It was like I wasn’t myself, but suddenly everything stopped. My tears had dried up and the emotions I felt had evaporated. All I felt was comfort, warmth, and love. The presence of someone next to my side, yet there was no one there. From that moment on, every time I had felt upset, cried, or even simply felt alone, that feeling came crashing back.

It was hard to get use to the first week, too overwhelming. Over time I got use to it. It quickly became my own personal paradise. My piece of peace. My slice of heaven. I use to hate being alone, but now I couldn’t wait to come home from uni or work to be alone. Summer came after that, but the harsh sun rays that burned my sensitive skin couldn’t compare to the warmth I felt in the unknown presence. Soon I started to feel it all the time, faintly but still there. Of course it was always much stronger when I was alone.

I finally pulled myself out of my thoughts when the sweet smell of banana bread started to fill the apartment. I ran to my kitchen, ready to eat. I just wanted to stay in today, be wrapped up in my blankets and watch a movie marathon or something. Of course, I wouldn’t be able to. Rae had begged me to come to the frat party with her from the moment people started buzzing about it. It’s not like I didn’t like parties. I enjoyed the distressing that followed dancing and listening to the music. Being honest though, I was more into house parties with people I actually knew and cared about. Having fun and making jokes with my friends was easily preferable than frat parties.

Quite frankly, these parties weren’t always so helpful in distressing. Sometimes it would leave me feeling worse. It was always a gamble, and like always, I wasn’t sure which experience I’d get tonight.

Eventually, I gathered the strength to get up and hop in the shower. Didn’t take too long to decide on what to wear. A tight off shoulder black top that reached just above my belly button, along with a tight jean skirt. I fixed my hair and waited in my living room for Rae to call me when she was ready to go. Awhile past by before I finally got a message from her. She was outside.

She was barely walking up the stairs to my door when I stepped out. “Ready to kick off the weekend?” She cheered as she climbed the last two steps. “Of course, this should be fun.” My voice was only semi enthusiastic. I wasn’t trying to be so rude, but I just wasn’t feeling tonight. That, and I had an odd feeling in the pit of my stomach. “There’ll be a lot of cute boys there too!” She nearly squealed in excitement as she said this, making me grimace. “Yup, so many cute boys.” It was so much more obvious this time that I couldn’t care less. I mentally hit myself for letting it be so noticeable, just because I didn’t care didn’t mean I needed to ruin her night. “Oh, come on!” She pulled on my arm as we walked. “What?” I smiled innocently, hoping she’d let it go. Thankfully she did.

Finally after a long walk, we made to the party. The music thumping against my eardrums as soon as we stepped in. My first reaction was to look for drinks. I would need a few to be able to hold out long enough. Once I had two red cups filled with liquor in my hands, I walked back to Rae. Handing one of the cups to her. She thanked me and made her move on a guy she was crushing on for the past month. I rolled my eyes unconsciously as I made my way to socialize with another crowd.

Thankfully the night was going great. I had made a couple new acquaintances who were very funny. Talking to a couple familiar faces here and there. “We have Mr. Spencer’s class together, don’t we?” A familiar guy asked. He wasn’t wrong, he sat three rows ahead of me in class. His name was Leo. He was an alright student, the class knew him for being a jokester. Which our teacher enjoyed as he was somewhat of a clown himself. Always incorporating jokes into his lectures. “Yeah, it’s nice to see you, how are you enjoying the party?” I asked him, taking another sip of my drink. He ended up being really nice and stuck around for awhile. Which was nice and all, but I was afraid he was getting the wrong idea. The whole situation made me walk away and look for Rae again.

I had finally found her after a while of searching the place. She started gushing at me the second she saw me. “We fucken kissed! Y/n! He kissed me!” She dramatically placed her hand over her forehead and let her head fall back, as if she’d faint. “I’m not dreaming am I?” I could only giggle at her school girl behavior. She spent a long half hour telling me how she couldn’t believe he’d kissed her and she swore it couldn’t be real. That’s when Leo came around. He was leaning against the wall opposite of me. He was just there, watching me dance with Rae, and it had started making me uncomfortable after a while. Which lead me to just stand there and talk to Rae, in hopes he’d go away. To my luck, however, she noticed him too.

“He obviously likes you, just talk to him already!” Rae gives me a little push forward, in attempts to get me over to him. “I came to have fun, not get laid. Thank you.” I snort at her. Bestfriend or not, she needs to stop trying to get me to sleep with any piece of meat that walks in. This wasn’t the first time she had tried it. “Come on, live a little.” Rolling my eyes, I get ready to walk away. “I’m trying to but you won’t let me. Look, I think I know what I need and want better than you.” Empty red cup in hand, I walk into the kitchen to fill it up. Not knowing if the pounding in my head was a headache or the sickening base of the music playing.

I let the cold liquid slip down my throat before tossing the cup in the garbage can. This place was getting dull, I couldn’t see a reason to stay. I checked my pockets and bag to make sure I had all my belongings with me before I walked out the door. The music started to fade away in the background. The pain in my head calming.

Usually I wouldn’t have left a party so soon. I’d be on the dance floor, enjoying myself. However, tonight Rae insistence on finding me someone to go home with was utterly annoying and off putting. I couldn’t understand why she was so persistent about it. Too focused on Rae, I hadn’t noticed the foot steps that had steadily followed me for four blocks. My hearts palpitations started going crazy. I had been in my fair share of altercations, you’d think I’d be use to it, but no. Each time, my body entered a panic mode.

The pounding in my head came back as soon as I realized not much was left to my apartment. Who ever was following me would know where I lived. The panic started pumping through my veins like crazy. My ears buzzing at the sound of his footsteps getting closer and faster. What would I do?

“Slow down for me, yeah?” The man's voice brought shivers to my spine, despite the heat of the night. God could only help me now. I tried my best to just ignore him and keep walking faster. “Hey! I said slow down.” A strong hand gripped my forearm, yanking me back. “Aren’t you going to invite me over to your place?” The man’s face was familiar. It belonged to a friend that was standing next to Leo as he had watched Rae and I dance. I hadn’t even noticed his stares at me until now. Seeing his face placed the image in my head again. How did I not see him before?

“Look, I’m not looking for anything tonight, yeah? So how about we drop this?” I shook his hand off my forearm and turned around to keep walking. All of the alcohol seemed to be out of my system from this situation, a cold sweat washing over me. Not even two steps in, and he had his hand on me again. “Come on, I’ll make you feel good.” His hand traveled down to my waist, to which I quickly pushed away. His words filled my mouth with a bitter taste, making me grimace. “I said no.” My voice was meant to be affirmative but it was weaker than I intended. “Hey! Don’t walk away from me!” I could tell from his voice alone he was too drunk to function and just hoped he’d trip or something and pass out.

“She said no, why don’t you get out of here.” A blonde man, with a white sweater on walks up to us. The second he had walked up to us, I felt the familiar feeling of warmth, comfort, and love. Although, my body wasn’t responding to it like before. Instead it felt like it did the first week. Overwhelming and blinding, but it was twice as strong compared to that time.

“Why should I?” The creep from the party pokes. To intoxicated to realize that he’s not getting any tonight. “Haven’t I already made it clear? I. Am. Not. Interested.” Just my luck, why did I always have to get into these types of altercations? The panic state my body had been in was starting to fade. It’s not like I wasn’t worried about the whole situation, it’s just that the annoyance I was starting to feel overpowered it. Oddly enough, it was like that warm feeling was making me feel safe, like nothing would happen.

“You heard the lady. Leave, or else.” The poor guys attire didn’t exactly make him look like a threat, making me unsure of how seriously the tool in front of us would take him. “Or else what? What’s a fluff ball like you going to do? Huh?” He counters, flicking a strand of the shorter man’s hair, a light chuckle leaving his throat. Albeit, he wasn’t much taller. “You don’t want to know, trust me.” His voice came off assertive, nothing dark laced on it, but it sure as hell was packed with a certain type of power I’d never heard before. Leaving a tingle in my spine that told all my senses that, this man may look like he can’t take much, but looks weren’t always everything. The drunk man seems caught off guard for a moment as well, but he soon laughs it off. Not taking him seriously. White sweater next to me, suddenly turns and looks me dead in the eyes, “Walk away, yeah? I’ll deal with him.” He starts to jolt me forward, away from the two of them.

However, this jerk that doesn’t take no for an answer grips my shoulder. “She’s not going anywhere with you! I saw her first!” He yells, suddenly slamming me into his body, tight arm around my waist. “What the fuck? I’m not a piece of meat you can just call dibs on!” I yell back, shoving him away with my elbow. Quite possibly an all too ballsy move. He grunts in return, as my elbow had jabbed at his ribs. “You bitch!” He yells, raising his hand to hit me, lucky for me, my reflexes kick in. “Don’t you dare touch her.” The blonde guys voice commands him, stopping his hand in the air.

“Fine, I’ll go through you first.” He spits back. He starts swinging, but my rescuer perfectly doges each one. An impressed smile forms on my lips, but it doesn’t last long. The creep was starting to get irritated at his missed punches, causing him to look at me with anger in his eyes. “All because of some dumb slut? Have her!” He grunts as he pushes me, elbows hitting the ground first, breaking my fall. It causes a pain to rush up my arms at the sting. “I told you not to touch her.” The guys voice sounds lower than before. He turns to me. “Do as I say, walk away and don’t look back, now.” He tells me, and my body seems to answer to his words over my own thoughts. It’s like his voice switched on the autopilot function in my body.

I’m not too far when I realize that I never heard any grunts of pain, or the sickening sound of punches. What was going on? I wanted to turn back and see if my rescuer was ok. My body just wasn’t responding to me. My apartment complex was in view when I finally regained control of my body. Taking the chance to look back. Nothing was in the distance, and instead the blonde man was running to catch up to me. “You Alright?” I just nodded at his question, to confused as to what had happened after I walked away.

“Look at your arms, does it sting?” He questioned me as he delicately held my arm, turning it to inspect my scraped elbow. They were both bleeding worse then I had expected. “Do you have a first aid kit?” I was too overwhelmed by the warm feeling rushing back to me when he had come up to me again. “I don’t have band aids.” I blurt out, it’s barely audible, as if my mouth had run dry. “Let’s go buy some then, huh?” His voice asks the question, but his body language almost commands it. I follow him to a drug store near my apartment complex. God, what was happening? I felt dizzy with this feeling inside me and I didn’t know what to do.

I just hoped I didn’t faint before I got home.

#bts jimin #bts jungkook #bts au #bts jhope #bts jin #bts suga #bts #bts angst #bts v #bts maknae line #bts hyung line #bts namjoon #bts guardian au #bts reactions #bts yandere

62 notes · View notes

otterlyardent · 6 years

Text

A simple Dramione prompt

Dramione Prompt: What if Draco wasn’t the insufferable prat everyone knew him to be? What if he merely had to live up to the expectations of being a Malfoy? What if, after the first time he called Hermione Granger a mudblood, he’d overheard Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil speaking about how their roomate had cried and sobbed for hours after his terrible taunts? Later, hidden away from his own friends, in the sanctuary of his curtained bed he wrote her an apology letter. A way to alleviate some of his own guilt for behaving like such a scoundrel. And what if it became a regular thing? Each time he ended up throwing spiteful words and painful insults at the intelligent lioness, he’d spent the evening pouring out his remorse in ink on parchment?

♥♥♥

Granger,

Though I imagine I’ll never work up the courage to actually give you this letter, I felt compelled to write it regardless. I’m much too cowardly to try and approach you especially after my behavior this afternoon. It was a terrible thing to do, and though I’m sure you wouldn’t believe it - my mother would be ashamed of the horrid things I said in the company of a young lady and the fact that I said them to a young lady...well, let’s just say I’d rather not be on the receiving end of that howler.

Truth be told, Granger - I said those things with intent to hurt and I feel utterly ashamed of it. See, my whole life I’ve been lead to believe that those of muggle birth are wrong and dangerous. That they’re stealing our magic from us. I’ve been told all my life that muggle-born witches and wizards don’t have the control necessary to use magic safely and effectively. As well as lacking the intelligence needed to learn the proper use of said magic and spells.

Imagine my horrified surprise to find that my whole life has basically been a lie. You’re not only incredibly gifted with your magic but you’re also undeniably brilliant. You’ve managed to surpass all of us and in such a brief amount of time. I fear my actions today were spawned from the argument I had with my father recently. He’s very put out with me because I’ve “allowed” you to beat me in each and every subject. He’s very cross with me at the moment, and told me in no uncertain terms that I’m sullying the Malfoy name each time you do better than I.

And it’s with a heavy heart that I realized I acted out of jealousy, spite and embarrassment and hurt you with my words. I overheard your friends speaking about your reaction later, and truthfully Granger - I feel like a bloody arse. No matter what your opinion is of me, which I’m fully aware must be very low - I feel no sense of victory knowing that my words cut deeply enough to make someone as strong as you are cry.

I don’t like making girls cry. I don’t like knowing I made you cry. I feel horribly about it all. It’s rather confusing, to be entirely honest.

I wish I could tell you how bloody brilliant I think you are. I’m sure you know this already, about your brilliance, I mean. But not only that, Granger. You’re kind and loyal and gentle and ...good. It’s no wonder you were sorted into Gryffindor - I don’t think anyone else embodies the house quite like you do. You’re rather amazing, Granger. Muggle born, or not. I wish I could tell you that instead of trying to tear you down each and every time we face off.

I am sorry, Granger. Truly. I wish I could be as good a person as you are. I wish I were allowed to be.

Sincerely,

Draco Malfoy

♥♥♥

Hermione,

I swear by the old gods and new, I didn’t mean it.

I don’t want you to die. I don’t even know why I said such a horrific thing.

I do know that I’ve been sick twice just thinking about it. What the bloody hell is wrong with me?

And now you’re in the infirmary and no one knows if or when you’ll all wake up and I’m so fucking sorry...so sorry. I’d curse my own bloody self if it’d help in any way. I wish there were something I could do, I wish I could atone for this disgusting, vile need to lash out at you so often.

I hate myself for it. You don’t deserve it, Hermione. I know you don’t, but it’s expected of me and I’m just not strong enough to forge my own way. And Merlin knows you deserve so much better.

Fuck, please wake up, Hermione. Even if I can never bring myself to actually apologize to you - you have wake up. You make the world brighter just by being a part of it.

Please wake up. And forgive me. Please.

Yours,

Draco Malfoy

♥♥♥

Hermione Granger,

I’m so bloody proud of you.

While you would probably never believe me, my wounded pride after the hippogriff incident isn’t what caused me to go to my father over it. And I truly didn’t know that he would be so savage in his quest for retribution. I know now that my behavior that day caused the attack, but the moment it happened you had looked so frightened and all I could think was that I didn’t want anything like that to happen to you, or anyone else I guess.

But blimey, the way you looked when you were stomping towards me, your wild hair was crackling with magic and your eyes - your eyes were flashing with fury and righteous indignation and then you punched me and Merlin it hurt but I all I could think was how fucking proud I was of you. You showed absolutely no fear, and even though you must’ve been overwhelmed in your grief at the matter, not an ounce of it showed in that moment.

You looked like a glorious avenging angel ready to strike me down.

You never cease to amaze me. I’m sorry about the whole damn thing, except for that punch. I’ve deserved it for years and I’m quite happy you got the chance to do it. You deserved to be the one to do so.

Sincerely,

The foul, loathsome, evil little cockroach

♥♥♥

Hermione,

You looked utterly breathtaking tonight. I cannot express in words how beautiful you looked. It literally took my breath away. And trust me, I was not only one. I’ve always known that you were attractive on some level, I am man and you are a woman and we notice those types of things, but tonight?

You looked like angel.

I saw you after, crying. It quite simply broke my heart to see you broken mere hours after you looked like you were on top of the world. I had wanted to come to you and offer comfort, but I knew I couldn’t and you most likely would’ve have hexed me had I tried. So instead, I noseyed around until I found someone willing to gossip.

The Weasel is stupid, Granger. He’s blind and ignorant and I’d love nothing more than to break his stupid face with my fists.

You were glorious tonight, Hermione. He’s probably only cross because he was to thick to notice what we all have and embarrassed that he blew his chance. I sincerely hope you don’t take any of what that imbecile said to heart.

You’re much too smart for that.

You’re a beautiful girl, Hermione. A beautiful girl with a beautiful soul and brilliant mind. Anyone would be extraordinarily lucky to call you their own. And I’m so dreadfully sorry that your night was tarnished.

I feel kind of hollow and desperately sad about it myself.

Perhaps it’s because my evening was spent listening to Pansy ramble on and on about you in jealousy. But I doubt it.

Chin up, Hermione. You’re much too beautiful to cry.

Yours,

Draco Malfoy

♥♥♥

Hermione,

I am so sorry.

This is getting too hard now. How am I supposed to apologize for my own father trying to kill you and all of your friends? How am I supposed to make that any better?

I was so relieved when you pulled through. That curse you took, it’s ghastly. I thought for sure…

But you’re always surprising me aren’t you? You’re so bloody strong, Granger. Salazar forgive me, but I think you’re the most incredible witch I’ve ever met.

Things are getting bad, really bad and I’m bloody terrified, Hermione. I don't want this. Any of it, but - I have no choice. I don’t know what to do. Gods, I’d give anything to actually be able to talk to you about this. You’re so fucking smart, Granger. If anyone could figure a way out, it’d be you.

Fuck.

Should have, could have, would have…

Blast, Hermione, I’m never going to be able to earn your forgiveness now. I had hoped, desperately that one day, maybe...but no, not now.

Is it wrong of me to hate my father?

Regretfully and faithfully yours,

Draco Malfoy

#Dramione #ficlet

238 notes · View notes

ordinarytalk · 3 years

Text

Personal stuff sad rant under the cut about my new job. Not happy stuff, so probably don't read if you can't handle a mid-life crisis that I've been having more or less constantly since age 21.

It's getting late and I'm putting off going to bed because I don't want to have to deal with trying to sleep again. I woke up last night at 3 or 4 in the morning and had a panic attack, and I wasn't able to sleep for hours until it was almost time to wake up for work. Again.

I've been having panic attacks all this week. For the last few weeks, really, but it's been ramping up, and it's all mixed with these big, indigestible globs of despair.

It's just...I'm a health inspector now. And I hate it. I gave the job a good try, and it's better than my old job, but that's like saying that sitting in a cold mud puddle is better than being on fire.

Everywhere I go, I am hated. People working restaurants panic when they see me, and when I point out things that are dangerous that need to be fixed, they go from passive-aggressive to shouting at me to breaking down close to tears because what they need to do to be legal costs money. I can't eat anywhere anymore. I'm hated. I had severe social anxiety going into this job, and now I have to fight down panic attacks in the parking lot when I pull into restaurants for inspections before I go in. And I do this every day.

Every day. Every single day. I get eight days off a month. Every other day, for the rest of my life, is going to be this. There isn't anything better. There isn't anything else. I will never be anything more. There is nothing to look forward to. Every dream that I ever had for my future is dead, any potential I may have once had is wasted. This is it.

This job is the best prospect I can get with the utterly useless Master of Public Health degree that I'm in debt for. Nothing else pays as much as this job, and this job pays crap, for the amount of debt I have.

I wake up, exhausted and too early, and put on clothes that are ugly and uncomfortable and required, and do something very difficult that I hate doing for most of the day, and then I'm so tired at the end of it that I can't do anything else. I just sit in my filthy, lonely apartment, and dread going to sleep because then the next day will come faster.

I've been behind on the work assigned to me since I started in April. There was a huge backlog waiting when I came in, since inspections had been building up while they were trying to hire someone. I'm working as hard as I can, but the pile just keeps going. I got five new plan review applications today, and each of those will take most of a day to finish, but I also have to do several dozen inspections, and I can only get two or three of those done in a day at the most, but I also have to finish a few dozen temporary event applications, which need to be done at the office which is an hour drive round-trip and take several hours apiece to do, but I also have to respond to several dozen emails and phone calls that come in for me every single day that are tasks that all take 15-20 minutes to do, and no matter how fast I go it feels like I end every single day with a bigger to-do list than when I started it. I'm bad at this job, and I constantly feel like I am failing, and everyone hates me.

I keep on telling myself things will be better once I catch up, but I don't know if that's ever going to happen. And even if it did? I would still be doing a job I hate every single day, and every single day I would be meeting people who hated me, and having people yell at me, or argue, or try to hide things, or cry. One man pointed a knife at me.

There's a lesson I thought I learned once, but I was never very good at remembering it. I was raised to always think of everyone else first and myself last. If I wanted to be a good person, I owed the world my help, no matter how little I wanted to do it. If someone else is cold, give them your coat. If someone else is hungry, give them your food. If someone else is tired, give them your labor. If someone else is busy, give them your time. Give, give, give, and never, ever take. This is what I was taught. And I tried to be good. I really, really did. Like every person with a martyr complex before me, some part of me is so convinced that I'm bad that I feel like I have to spend the rest of my life making up for it.

But here's the lesson I learned: If you are very good, and very kind, and very obedient, and always say yes when someone asks for help, and never say no, then smiling people will gently take you by the hand, full of joy and gratitude, and they will lead you into hell.

I first realized this the summer after I graduated college. I had not been accepted into any of the medical schools I applied for, and I was not able to process that. I spent the summer teaching swimming lessons and lifeguarding, like I had every other summer since I was 16, but the summer was about to end, and for the first time in my life, I wasn't required to go back to a school in the fall, and I didn't know what to do.

An old high school teacher contacted my mom, saying that some ladies had been asking for help with a caregiving job, and that I was absolutely the perfect person for it, since I was so naturally kind and caring and giving. Mom sent me to the ladies, and I went because I don't say no. The ladies met me at a house, and smiled and told me how grateful they were, how much they needed me here, and they took me by the hand, and led me into the basement. The basement was dimly lit, and smelled of piss and shit, and three adult men were laying on small cots and moaning. The ladies happily told me how I would come here every night, alone, and stay with the three men until the morning, rolling them and washing them when they soiled themselves. I would start next week. I would be paid minimum wage with no benefits. The room stank. The men writhed and moaned. The air was orange tinted from the single lightbulb. The carpet was dark brown. The ladies were so, so grateful I was here. They knew I was a kind, caring, loving, good person.

I went home and felt absolutely nothing. I felt absolutely nothing for hours, until I took a shower and broke down sobbing. I called them back and told them I couldn't take the job. It was the first time I had ever said no to someone, and they were horrified, and my parents were disappointed, and I was shipped off to Madison within the week, and I didn't learn the lesson well enough, because I kept on trying to be what other people wanted me to become. I was supposed to be a doctor, so I kept on trying to get into med school until I had a mental breakdown, and then I got the public health degree because I thought it was the next closest thing to doctor after I failed, and by the time I finished it and realized the size of the hole I'd dug myself into, it was too late. There's no way I can crawl out of this without an enormous amount of money, and none of the jobs available to me pay that much, because they're all jobs for people who "love their work" and "care about humanity" and "care about people and not salaries."

I'm sure people are grateful I'm a health inspector. I'm sure people are thinking, "oh, I'm glad someone's doing that job, that's a necessary job, you're keeping society running, unsung hero, you should be proud." These are the things people think when someone else does a horrible job that no one likes, but which must be done so that the modern world keeps working. That's what you think about the home health aides, the teachers, the immigrant farmhands, the cleaning crew.

I don't know how to end this post. I keep on looking up increasingly implausible jobs that could pay more and be less stressful, like truck drivers or swinging bridge operators. I'm not going to get them. The closest thing I have to an escape plan is to wait a few more years until I qualify for the Public Service Loan Forgiveness program, and then....I don't know? Quit for a minimum wage job that will slowly lower me into poverty? Do another fireworks tent? Die, I guess?

It's late, and I'm tired, and I'm old, and I'm sick of panic attacks, and I've failed at everything I've ever attempted in my adult life, and I don't want to go back to work on Monday.

#personal stuff

0 notes

thedappleddragon · 3 years

Text

haha here we go again

there's a lot of dumb ranting and 3 days worth of logs and a dream in here so im gonna spare evryone’s dashboard and just put it all under the cut.

tw bad memories, talk of unhealthy relations with food, and dreams about dead animals

I realized I kind of entirely forgot to write about what I did yesterday? I kind of did a lot. I know my mom wanted to work on getting tile laid out in front of her bathroom, so we worked together to scrub the concrete and wipe up all the dirt and dust and whatever was under the carpet and remove some of the nails in the floor and bring up a spiky metal strip between the bathroom door and where the carpet was. The other main thing I remember is deciding to continue work on my dress, sewing up the outer bodice, checking that the bodice and lining would fit together, deciding I’d rather have no different colored front panel, and working on the circle skirt. At first I tried cutting the fabric on my bed, but it wasn’t big enough and too lumpy. I contemplated asking my friends if I could borrow their dining table, but I ended up clearing off my own. After I traced and was in the middle of pinning, I accidentally knocked over a glass bowl that I had set on the chair. My mom heard it from the other room and had me come to her room to tell her what it was. She got angry at me, which I thought was fuckin stupid if it was an accident, but after some reflection while cleaning up the glass pieces, I kind of understood why. Mostly I got a little upset about 2 ceramic pieces I made during school breaking a little from the drop. One was a mushroom house from middle school that always makes me remember feeling like an asshole during peer review when I told my person to smooth their project more because I didn’t know “no improvement needed” was an option until I got back to my desk and saw my person saying it was good in all categories because everyone thought my project was great for some reason. The other was a bunch of flowers on a circle. It was the last project we did before quarantine hit, I think. That one is in less tough shape, just a couple flowers knocked off and a chip on one of them. They can both be glued back together, I guess. Then my mom called me back into her room to listen to her talk about wanting to eat huge amounts of food, because she’s clinically depressed with BPD and PTSD and DID and several other acronyms and her favorite coping mechanism is food, but her doctor put her on a diet so she can get her knees replaced, but recently she’s been getting into a zone where she talks about wanting to eat entire cakes and pizzas and buckets of kfc and a gallon of queso or whatever the fuck and she goes “doesn’t that sound GOOD?” And I have to laugh along and say “haha no that sounds bad actually” and get her a piece of ham or something. And every time she goes on her spiel the only thing I can think of is the greedy from the raggedy Ann and Andy musical. It’s just this horrible undulating orange blob that eats everything in sight and seeing it for the first time just made me think of mom and it made me very uncomfortable, with all the orange goo and hurling noises. Also reminds me of this horrible video game boss fight where it’s the apocalypse and a fat lady on a scooter took over the buffet and eats so much during her boss fight, during the defeat cutscene she projectile vomits everywhere and dies. My brother Greg showed me that thinking it was funny. I hated it, and I still do. He showed me a lot of things he thought were funny as a shitty little kid, and I remember several of them being very upsetting. It’s ok. I don’t want to dwell on it. But after cleaning the glass and talking to mom I brought my fabric to my room and called it a night. Oh wait my dad also helped me with some paperwork my coworker handed me so I could get on the payroll.

Today I woke up differently than I have in a long time. I set an alarm for 10 am so I could be at work by 11, but I woke up at 9 from a heavy sleep with dreams about hanging out with my friend in my room, worrying about my dirty house. I wanted to sleep longer, so I got up at 10 to have breakfast and get ready. I spent my shift changing the price tags all around the store, making everything more expensive. I’m gonna work again on Tuesday where I’ll learn how to use the register. I hope I don’t fuk it up, but I have a couple days to relax until then. Maybe I’ll work on my dress. My friends all want to go to prom together, so my new deadline will be March 2nd or a little before. I still need to buy a ticket, but I don’t have access to the link to buy one :( bleh I’m too tired right now to worry about this shit. I only worked 4 hours again today, but after I got home I felt like I could have worked longer if they gave me something else to do. The only price tags left to change were a bunch of grills and stuff I don’t know about but I don’t know if they had any other work for my to do. But I’m glad I went home tho because I was hungry and my feet hurt from standing lol. I did laundry and made myself dinner and washed my hair and drew a little bit and made the table and tbh the pacing of today has been so weird I don’t remember everything. It’s only 1am but I think I’m just gonna go to bed. my friends started talking about going to prom, and I really want to join them, but I can't figure out where/how to buy a ticket. my brain started being really mean to me, syaing that I was being annoying and pushy and that they didnt want me at prom for some reason, so I low-key almost made myself cry until my friend offered to let me be their platonic date since their partner couldn't go.

last night I had a dream about a hard video game where when you played it, the black shadow enemies would fight you in real life, and one of them left imprints on my arm in the shape of lego bricks. they could only attack you so long as you played the game, and they tried to capture people and you were supposed to save them. I decided it was my time to play, and I walked into my garage that had turned into a cave with bat-people fused into the wall. I paid them no mind as I rescued a girl who was my irl brother, grabbing her hand and pulling her into another versoin of my garage which was uncorrupted and normal looking. she thanked me, and I said it was no problem. then I tricked her, telling her not to trust so easily, as I became one of the shadow enemies and engulfed her in a black sack, trapping her and leaving the room. I came back a couple minutes later, letting him free (now my brain told me he was my brother) telling him I just wanted to know if I was capable of tricking him, and didnt actually want to kill him or whatever. another big chunk of my dream was taken up by me, my sister, and my dad visiting a run down petting zoo/gamestop. the petting zoo barn was very dark with low ceilings with lots of rabbits and pigs and hay. one of us accidentally killed either a pig or a tiger right next to the exit door, and I had to slink around the gamester trying to distract the owner and keep him from going in the barn and escaping at the same time. I dont remember how it ended, other than me waking up with a sore throat from breathing so deeply through my nose. I had slept on my stomach wit my pillow in my face so I could hardly breathe, and even after I woke up I felt like I wasnt getting enough air. I HATE that feeling, I always felt like I was suffocating in middle school for some reason. I thinkk somethings wrong with my airway but im not gonna do anything about it. im gonna continue to spend 80% of my day laying down so my resting heart rate and breathing speed is slower than an goddamn sloth. whatever.

right now as im laying in bed typing this I feel utterly unpoductive but I KNOW I did SOME shit today. but yeah mostly I relaxed. I worked on my dress, removing and replacing the blue front panel. I lost my exacto knife somewhere so I went to dollar tree to get a knockoff, along with snacks for mom and my sister. the blades aren't as sharp as exacto, but I still know where the name brands blades are so maybe Ill try and see if they're compatible. when I open the package everything was oily and gross, so I washed everything off with soap and water before I used them to cut the threads of the panel seams. I could have used my seam ripper but I wanted to get a replacement craft knife anyway. its kinda neat that it came with 6 different shaped blades for different crafts :) but uhh I also cut out the other half of the circle skirt of the dress, and I have a bunch of extra fabric left over. probably enough to make a whole other bodess if I wanted too. I used my sewing machine to attach the new front panel, and I was hoping to get more sewing done tonight, but when I asked my sister if it was ok for me to use my sewing machine (it right next to the wall between our rooms so she can hear it from there) she said she was going to bed soon so I just attatched the front panel and called it a night. so that kinda sucked. I still have another day tomorrow before I have to work again, and I can still work on my dress on Tuesday after work. idk why my brain thinks that one 4 hour shift is gonna take up my entire day lmao. I just have to get the whole thing done by may 2nd. GOD that reminds me, im gonna be so busy next month. I have six events back to back happening like every other day, plus work. oof. I'll have to let my boss know, but idk If that's gonna make him mad. I've already got pretty comfortable with the lady in charge of the garden center who’s taken lead position while the manager is on vacation, but I dont think I;ll every understand my boss. he’s a sarcastic busy old man and NOT AT ALL approachable. whatever. really the only other tings I did today were drink a shit ton of water play harvest moon, spend too much time on tiktok, and sraw a couple dum things for my friends’ princess au. I fucking HATE the drawing I did for Anna, so I designed her a secondary outfit more inspired by sky pirate bohemian vibes, since she rules over the floating islands. idk if I'll replace her old outfit with the new one in the lineup or just re-draw her old one with better shapes and composition and match the style better or what. I just need it changed eventually becasuse it looks like ass. tbh now that ve taken a little bit of time away from the princess au, there are a couple designs im not 100% satisfied with. but I know that if I go back and make them more detailed or whatever the’ll be more of a hassle to draw and aslkdfhalksdf I dont know anymore. I'm still tied up about color pallets and trying to give everyone a distinct color, and im a little upset it doesn't quite work, and FUCK dude the edgy one’s lore and character are weird and I kind of want to revise it to make it a little nicer but its not my character and I need to stop shoving my dirty little mitts into everyone’s ocs and AHAGHRGHGARGHHG idk man. her power is necromancy and she has a skeleton army, which I think I kinda cool, but I also think it would be neat if her powers extended beyond just that to communing with the dead, helping them find rest, and THEN maybe it can branch into helping fallen soldiers fight again to help them with unfinished buisness. and then if she goes feral and starts abusing her powers, she ignores all the communication and concent with the dead and instead magically rips them from thr ground to do her bidding and they’re uncontrollable and violent and aimless, just like her mind slipping from the magical blight infecting her. idk man we’re till working on a lot of lore. her concept could be SO COOL with just that little bit of extra thought, but so far it’s just MY POWER IS DEATH IM SO EDGY. ugh I know its fuckin rude to bash your friends oc ideas and I might be too overbearing and controlling of this au but dammit im tired and im mean sometimes and my ego is through the goddamn roof and im so sexy and im always right and my meat is huge. ah shit I rpomised my friend I would help her with character design for the dead king but I was busy when she firat asked me and now im not busy but im not doing it ugh. im just frustrated right now because I spent wayyyy to fuckin long just laying in bed watching tikotks and youtube and playing harvest moon an doing jack shit all day. but hey at least I attempted to get a new social security card again today. and them promptly gave up when they said my adress was invalid. again. I feel like im in an uncomfortable medium between having no plans and worrying about the future and having too many plans all the time oh my god. ive been so focused on getting a job and then having a job and making this dress I completely forgot about college shit. thankfully there's no hard deadlines coming up that I haven't already finished. whatever I dont really want to worry about all this hit right now, im just gonna take it one day at a time. (haha it feels like my angel oc just stepped in. how nice of him :) )

#thanks for coming to my ted talk #April 2021 daily #2021 daily

0 notes

itsnotresilience · 3 years

Text

How I Dealt with Divorce...the first time

A reflection on selected essays, poetry, journal entries from 2000-2003

In 1999, I met my first husband, Dylan. Lots of people don’t know I’ve been married three times but many do. I don’t hide it. If people want to understand how that happens to someone who’s 42, I’m willing to share the story I think is appropriate. Most people get the, “ he was my starter husband story”. We were young, naive and not right for each other and in the end we figured it out quickly. That’s a generally true tale, but not the right one for people who really want to understand how things like that happen.

Dylan was pure magic. He was joyful, silly, and incredibly talented. He was an amazing singer and guitar player. He was at his best playing jazz or picking folk songs for kids. I was drawn to his positivity. I can still say today that for the most part, he loved me, he was utterly kind to me, and he tried his best. I met Dylan while we both were working at Cellophane Square. He was 9 years older than me (22 to 31). He still lived with his parents and with his older brother Jamie (if I remember Jamie was 36 or 37). It’s important to know all that because he was at a somewhat arrested state of his life because his mom really coddled him. She was a great lady but didn’t push her men to move on, namely because her relationship with her husband sucked. It took awhile for Dylan and I to get together but looking back, he was a rebound that went too far.

I was just out of an emotionally and toward the end, physically, abusive relationship. That’s the sort of relationship I was used to though. After I broke up with my high school love early in my senior year (1994). I had a string of horrible relationships. It’s what I felt “ I deserved”. We will talk about that era some other reflection essay, but just know that’s where I was coming from. In a state of heartbreak, depression, and insecurity, I saw this light, this magical Dylan and he was my redemption from darkness.

I was incredibly strapped for cash during this time (I ended up getting a second part-time job to supplement my income while STILL going to school). I had to give up my apartment twice in a year and my ex ended up with our cats because I had to move in with Dylan, who was allergic to cats. It was devastating to give up my cats. I knew my ex wouldn’t abuse them. He was always loving to the animals, it came down to what I felt I had to do.

Living with Dylan’s family in now one bedroom of space that was mine but shared was odd. I’m not someone that’s used to a loud and active household. I had been living with just my parents for a few years before college and even before that, the most activity was fights between my dad/mom and my older brother. The loudest thing in our house was the TV if my dad was home because he’s deaf in one ear. People talked loudly in our home but it wasn’t a house filled with talking.

Dylan and I lived with his family for a year. If I had paid attention, I would have seen the signs that he wasn’t the right long- term partner for me. His mom took care of everything for him and wouldn’t allow me, beyond a meal here and there, to do things for ourselves. It made me uncomfortable to be taken care of at that age. My mom might do my laundry or buy me some groceries if I came to visit from Bellingham but I was fairly used to managing my own life by that point. We had decided to marry and that wedding turned into an elopement to Reno.

There’s not a lot to share about the wedding. I ended up having strep throat. After we got married, we moved to south Edmonds. It was familiar territory for me, but not Dylan. He had to start over in many ways, and I wished I’d recognized that more. Nearly all his friends were in Bellingham. He only had one friend that lived in Fremont at the time. He got a job at Top Foods and I finished school and went back to working at the eBar at Nordstrom’s in Alderwood. I was doing night school so I would work from 6-3 and then go to school from 5-8 or 9. It was long days and honestly, even reading my journal I don’t know how I managed it all. I wrote, “I’m tired” nearly everyday. My poetry is about what I was learning or the roles we take on in marriage and household.

Eventually, we moved to the UDistrict to a very nice townhome. Dylan got a job at Trader Joe’s, where I still believe he works at in Bellingham. I had about a year left of school in 2001. I was immersed in political science courses at the UW, studying for my LSAT and planning for law school. I don’t recall ever asking Dylan if he cared where we lived. I was dreaming of UC Berkeley and working toward the LSAT score. My days at that time were full. During this time, my journal entries talked about my law school plans, meandered about the magical box sets of music I created for my friends and talked about how my husband never did any chores in the house ( he couldn’t even use a dishwasher!).

Then, very early in that year, 2001, around March, things start taking a dramatic turn. I had lost a few pregnancies with Dylan. I frankly lost count. I have a entry that says, “ I lost another baby I’m not sure I wanted.” I wish I could tell you now what I felt. It seems clear now I was going through the motions in some state of grief. Dylan’s mom was particularly high-pressure about grandchildren and every time we talked to her I felt like a failure and she would offer super helpful advice like, quit school or slow down or work harder on getting pregnant. Getting pregnant felt like something I should just do, and not what I wanted. And on a side note, how the fuck do you explain to these type of people that with each loss, I’m reminded of my sexual assault and what those boys did to my body. My body again didn’t seem to belong to only me. I began to harbor resentment toward Dylan, pull away my affection and love. I have one poem that’s four lines in June 2001.

“Why can’t you see me

Why am I just a vagina with a smile

You play guitar and sing this song I can’t stand to listen to,

do you know I’ve hated you for awhile?”

It is clear to me that I was in turmoil between what I was socialized to be and the woman I actually was. I wasn’t having dreams of being a housewife. I was dreaming of changing the world and affecting the lives of women like me, women who were altered irrevocably by men. Some of you who know me now or even met me 10 years ago, know nothing of this Meghan. I only have two friends remaining from this period of my life, one a friend from high school, the other, a friend from college and weirdly also high school. I still keep in touch with friends fro western but we didn’t interact much during this time. I didn’t even interact with my family much, save holidays.

Then came 9/11. My journal entries starting in 9/11 became very long and I wrote long essays everyday until September of 2002. My day started by driving to work around 5 am to get to Lynnwood and open the bar. I prepped all the salads and sandwiches so had to get that all done before opening the gates. I was running through my mind the days stuff that needed to happen. I was starting school again in a few weeks after going to school over the summer. I was thinking about the books I needed to buy and the other ducks I wanted to have in a row. Around 6 am, while I was driving, the first plane hit. I remember thinking, and I wrote it down later, oh that’s good, no one is in there. I hadn’t registered the time change and it was still possibly a terrible accident. I got to work and got busy. I didn’t have a radio in the kitchen workspace upstairs in the Grill, but turned it on when I got downstairs as was my habit while setting up before I had to start the Muzak.

I wasn’t really listening to the radio. My first customer who came in (nearly always another Nordstrom employee) looked pale and sick. I said, isn’t devastating about the plane? She said, and I’ll never forget it, ever, I wrote it down for safe keeping (I should note that I carried around a pocket notebook everywhere at this time I didn’t have a magic device to store my ideas on the go), “another plane hit the other building.” And we just sat there in silence for what seemed like forever. I thought I’d said, “ what?” But I didn’t. I made her coffee and then in kind of a trance turned the radio back on. I was now aware this wasn’t an accident and there were thousands of people trapped in these buildings. There was no turning back or avoiding. This had happened.

My boss came in next and elected to send me home. Everyone that came in was in some state of shock. I believe Nordstrom’s at least closed around 10 that day. I came home and for the next amount of what seemed like forever, I watched the news. I cried. I felt so much loss. I didn’t know one person, but you don’t need to. The shots of people desperately flinging themselves out of high story windows was enough to see human devastation in real time. I didn’t really register how this would alter my life so drastically, this moment. When my husband came home, I was crying, I was scared, I was anxious about war and now, my future. I’d spent all day imagining what was going to unfold from this moment. And he said, (yep, wrote it down), “ everything will be ok. The sun will be out again. Tomorrow we can smile.” I sat there and just stared at him in amazement. I said, “it’s not going to be ok tomorrow”. We got in a huge fight because he kept pushing me to snap out of it. It was very clear we weren’t in the same place, and now I’m convinced, not even the same planet of emotional and mental interaction. It was his natural predilection to be his way and really I was reacting the way I would.

I had registered I think in August maybe but it was definitely pre-9/11. I had had interest in taking more classes focused on international politics. My magical choice for first quarter 2001? Middle Eastern politics. I had three classes, one on the history of Middle Eastern politics, one on the role of Islam and Islamic Fundamentalism on the politics in the region and one deep-thinking not-gonna-solve shit class on the conflict between westernization, globalization and Islam. There was part of me that was excited, to have a place where I could figure out why these suicide bombers did what they did, why they were filled with so much hate and rage. Little did I know it would be my means of isolating myself, from everyone and everything.

I had one professor who was a Yemen expert. He was white. It strikes me know that they were all white men telling the stories of the many distinct cultures and ethnicities and religious beliefs of that region. The western culture elites, deciding what the experience of these people were. It still offered a perspective not found on our TV at the time. By now, we were at war and enacting the worst civil rights infringement law in decades, the Patriot Act. In exchange for “security”, we gave up privacy. To combat “terrorism” we signed away the civil rights afforded to suspected criminals- allowing a suspect to be questioned without much more proof then their religious preference and quietly allowing the long term imprisonment and torture of political prisoners/network terrorists, without any access to representation or contact with family. I had a friend at the time, a Syrian born American who was held with her brother for two days because she checked out a book on islamic fundamentalists at the university library. She was on an FBI watch list- a 20 year old American citizen who’s worst crime was being from Syria.

I started to feel angry about my two realities colliding so drastically. I developed empathy, not acceptance, toward the terrorists. This is hard to communicate reader, and likely hard for you to read. I was immersed in another side of the same story we were living, I didn’t believe we were at war with the right country for the right reason. I didn’t think people were justified in their broad statements about Muslims, the Islamic faith, or Middle Eastern countries. The Middle East, for Americans, was just some homogeneous blob. I felt in conflict with nearly everyone outside of school. Anytime I attempted to share context or information, I was told, even by family members, to go march in those peace protests with my little sign. I was extremely isolated. I moved through the world that way, even though I took different courses, for the rest of my BA time.

I did well on my LSAT and got accepted to my dream school, and told NO ONE. I wrote in my journal only a short entry that day in February 2002. “ My dream seems like a nightmare. I have no future, that’s what the news keeps telling me. There is no job for me. I will waste my money and change nothing.” I didn’t make a decision to not go so much as avoided it all together. In May, I quit my job at Nordstrom and got a soulless job at Key Bank. I hated every second of it. I, felt, well, that’s that. I’d also developed a pretty hard partying lifestyle. I was done with school, so I had less structure. My husband worked nights, so I was lonely. I didn’t want to sit with where my life was, so I escaped with a friend from work who was involved with a band. After one hard night of partying and sleeping at her home, I woke up and the drummer of the band was there and he expressed interest in me. Not in that hitting me sort of way, but was interested in who I was. I hadn’t had that feeling from a person who I wasn’t in school with for awhile. I decided in that moment my marriage was over.

Lots of other things happened between Dylan and I that really broke things but they seem less important than they used to be. We damaged each other in our own ways, unnecessarily. He made unchangeable choices, and I was living a separate life. My dad attempted to talk us into therapy and reconciliation but we were both angry and done. It took another 4-6 months for our divorce to happen. I moved out to an apartment in Ballard with a faux brick wall. I spent nights either partying hard or at home crying. I moved on to the drummer rather quickly. I’m not ashamed of that now, but was in 2002. I felt like I was heartless and messy and a failure. I didn’t care about tomorrow, let alone my dreams I had flushed down the toilet.

This is where things get really tough. I’ve only told my closest friends about what’s coming. One night, in November of 2002, I was struck by loneliness, heartbreak and the abusive relationship I now found myself in. I had given up the person who at least didn’t put me down, for a man who thought it was funny to call me a bitch then demand sex, then demand that I fix his problems and then not call me or answer his door for a week. When sober, I felt every inch of my callous, naive, and rash decisions. That night, while on the phone to a friend, I said I wanted to die. I really felt that. I didn’t want to live in the mess I’d created. I didn’t want to be stuck in that place anymore. She said she would call 911 and I hung up on her, angry at the perceived threat. Approximately 10 minutes later, EMTs were knocking on my door. I was asked whether I’d attempted to hurt myself and whether I was a risk to myself. I don’t even recall nodding yes, but I must have because they took me to Harborview. I was left handcuffed to a gurney for what seemed like hours. No psychiatrist or doctor ever came to talk to me. A nurse and an SPD finally came by to see if I wanted to be held for psychiatric evaluation and I said no, and was released. That was a mistake. That was my opportunity to avoid what later would develop as the breaking point, my rock bottom. That night should have been my wake up call to call my family, my friends and ask for help. I didn’t do any of that. Instead I wrote in my journal about this friend, “ I fucking hate you and what you just did to me”. I escaped to my anger toward that friend which was a relief from my depression and anxiety. I lived in that anger towards her, blindly making the same mistakes, until early January 2003.

I know, this is like a whole chapter of my book by now. This is more than you think you might want to know. I hope my sister reads this because she needs to and I hope she understands why. This is strangely cathartic spilling out the build up to my second of four major Meghan meltdowns. My ability to burn absolutely everything down is about reach epic proportions.

In late December of 2002, I found out I was pregnant. I had this thought of rolling the dice and seeing if I’d just lose it. I also had this delusional idea that maybe this would make the drummer love me. He’d want a life with me. When I told him, that delusion ended fairly quickly. He immediately asked me how quickly I could get rid of “it”. He asked me if “he needed to be involved”. I am not sure how I did not already hate this person but it’s likely because I hated myself far more. I developed a plan to get the pill and spend the weekend with a mutual friend of myself and the drummer. They were and are a lovely, big-hearted couple who were happy but cautious to help. Cautious because they knew I had these ideas of getting love and support from the drummer but they knew his capacity limits.

The first day at their home I took the pill and the couple made me fried chicken which was my chosen comfort food. We watched some movies but I mostly cried and obsessed about the drummer, where he was, what he was doing, why he wasn’t there and checking on me. Eventually, he contacted the male of the couple and said he wasn’t coming to see me. I was devastated, in pain, hemorrhaging and aborting a pregnancy. I ran into the room I was staying in and took a half bottle of ibuprofen with several guzzles of wine. My friend kept pounding on the door, pleading for me to answer. I finally came out and said, I took something because I want to die. The couple took me to the emergency room and I had my stomach pumped and was asked again if I wanted a psychiatric hold and I again refused. We went home in silence with my woman friend only saying, “I’m so mad at you right now.” I didn’t hear that really. I didn’t see what I had just put them both through. It took her a very long time to talk to me about it and that friendship never recovered. I won’t ever forgive myself for putting them through that, for being so wrapped up in what was happening to me, I saw no one else.

The drummer came to pick me up then took me to his apartment and broke up with me, saying he couldn’t handle what the relationship had become. I begged and pleaded with him to love me or at the very least, let me stay the night and not let me be alone. I woke up at his apartment with him passed out drunk on the floor. I got a call from my boss letting me know I was fired because my attendance was abysmal and I’d called in the night before. The drummer took me home.

I walked into an empty apartment and suddenly felt the rush of everything that had happened in the last 48 hours, the last few months, and the last few years. I sat on my couch crying and shaking and just thinking about death. I knew in my heart I would try again, that this misery had taken a hold of my body, that the tide was too strong to stop me from being pulled under. I remember getting a pamphlet from Planned Parenthood with a contact for emergencies related to my procedure, so I called it and I said, “I don’t feel safe, I need help. I want to kill myself. “ I may have said other things but I don’t remember and I didn’t write them down, I was sent to a counselor who asked me tons of questions and I proceeded to spill my guts about every real and perceived wrong done to me. I said whatever I needed to say to make this person want to help me. She asked if I had someone who could come and help me make decisions. I had her call my sister. I won’t ever know what that was like for my sister, at the time an active SPD officer, to sit there and hear the real and the unreal things my mind had concocted as evidence of my illness but I’m assuming she had to know I was very unwell. It was agreed I’d be admitted to inpatient psychiatric care at Swedish on Cherry.

The next ten days of my life were surreal. I lived in scrubs. I took regulated medication morning, lunch and dinner. I ate cafeteria food. I had group sessions, individual therapy, art therapy. I could call friend or write them emails. My roommate was a woman suffering from debilitating postpartum depression. Another woman in my group was schizophrenic and not allowed to use utensils while eating- she taught me the most of anyone during my stay. I picked up a smoking habit because it was something to do that wasn’t controlled by someone else. I called the drummer over and over, leaving him desperate messages for him to come see me and I know now I was asking him to confront me. My sister came and brought me clothes. I spent Valentine’s Day in therapy and then crying and pledging I’d get back at everyone who’d wronged me, abandoned me, rejected me. I was filled with rage for the drummer. I was going to show them all I wasn’t a loser and a mess. I’d get my life together.

When my sister came to pick me up, she let me know we were going to get me a cat. She said it would give me something to take care of and live for. That was the day I picked up Coltrane. We came home with him and life felt a little less empty. I was starting a new job in a few weeks so I had time to become friends with him. He became my reason for living.

Several months later, the story of the drummer finally ends. I was bound and determined to get some priceless records back from him and half the cost of the procedure. He dodged me for weeks and finally set a time for me to come. I picked up the records and stood there while he wrote me a check. He asked me how I was doing, I lied, and said, “great”. He asked me if I hated him, I lied and said, “no”. He then handed me the check and said, “ it’s not enough I had to go through this I now have to pay for it too”. This statement is seared into my memory. I’ve never had to write it down. That night in April 2003 I wrote only this, “never again.” In July, the drummer called me and wanted to make an apology tour. I made the date, walked up to where we were supposed to meet, made sure he saw me outside, waved, and then left. I got in my car and wrote this in my pocket notebook, “I’m not here to make you feel better anymore. You deserve your guilt”.

My life over the next several years slowly got better. I created new boundaries that I thought were permanent- things that couldn’t, and wouldn’t, happen again. I still deal with the trauma of this period. Much of it is still painful to share. I hate the drummer as much as I did in 2003. I hate him so much I refuse to say his name. I believe him to devoid of human decency and a sociopath. Maybe someday, I’ll turn that corner and I’ll find a way to forgive how I let him treat me. Maybe some day, I’ll forgive myself and hate myself a little less for what I put myself through. Maybe I’ll forgive myself for taking all my chances and privilege for granted. Maybe I’ll tell my sister how sorry I am I put her through that and how she saved my life that year (hey, if you’re reading this, I love you).

My life got better. I saw that I could keep myself together and be a better person. I could love my family and friends more and open my heart. I did all that, but still kept a part of that rage always with me, waiting, in the wings, to come to life again in 2009.

0 notes

artlessictoan · 6 years

Note

May I request some yodochou

dear nonny, you may aLWAYS request yodochou!

(femslash feb requestsopen all month!)

—

YodoChou - Concert

—

Chouchou frowned as she studied her reflection, twisting andspinning and still not finding what she was looking for.

It might’ve helped if she’d actually known what that was exactly, but,unfortunately, she’d been relying on instinct to guide her. Instincts sheapparently didn’t possess.

Groaning, she stopped trying to twist her neck a fullone-hundred and eighty degrees to see her back, instead flopping down on herbed face-first. She had to move just a few seconds later, sitting upright sothat the multitude of metal spikes decorating her leather jacket would stopdigging into her skin.

Needless to say, her ‘punk’ experiment was a resoundingfailure.

She couldn’t see how anyonecould find this comfortable… well, anyone except Yodo, who had presumably emergedfrom the womb with steel-toe boots already clad, kicking in the teeth of thepoor bastard delivering her.

Chouchou stared at the reflection before her, of a woeful girldressed in ill-fitting leather, denim that was more hole than fabric and tackyfishnet sleeves and tights, draped in enough metal chains and spikes that shecould probably make herself a serviceable suit of armour, who couldn’t lookmore out-of-place and uncomfortable if she tried. There was entirely too muchblack in this outfit, had punks never heard of accent colours? And how the fuckwas it that all the things that made her heart pound and cheeks burn when hercrush wore them, just made her look like an angsty teenager trying way too hard to piss of her parents.

This was the last time she went to Inojin for advice.

She would’ve spent even longer wallowing in misery, had herphone not chosen that moment to go off. Not bothering to tear her gaze awayfrom her miserable reflection, she blindly swatted the bed behind her until herhand closed around hard plastic and brought the mobile to her face, frowning atthe way the movement the half-dozen chains hanging from her sleeves jangle andclink.

“Yeah?”

“Hey girl-” Yodo’s scratchy voice immediately brought asmile to her face “-you sound fuckin’ dismal, not to worry though, I’m here nowto wash all your worries away! So hurry up and lemme in.”

Immediately jumping to her feet, she was almost out the doorbefore the rattling of metal stopped her in her tracks. Chouchou glanced backat her mirror, grimacing at the state she was in. “Actually… now’s not a greattime, maybe come back in like, fifteen minutes?”

“Whaaaat, no way! C’mon it’s freezing out here and it’d take me more than that just to walkhome.”

She toyed with the hem of her frayed t-shirt, wondering iffacing her best friend’s wrath would be better or worse than her hystericallaughter. “Then get me some sweets from the shop?”

“Hell no!”

“I’ll pay you back,” she rushed to say, already fighting toshrug off the jacket, but only succeeding in getting her arm caught in one ofthe many unnecessary straps hanging from it, “just gimme ten minutes to change…”The faint rip as she struggled against fabric almost made her want to scream.

And the slam of a heavy door made her want to cry.

“Too late-” Yodo’s voice now came from inside the house,slightly muffled by walls and doors, with an unsettling echo from the phone “-alreadypicked the lock, thought I told ya to get a deadbolt?” The footsteps creepingever closer had Chouchou panicking as she tried to both shed the goddamned jacket and lean against the doorat the same time. “Hey, you listenin’ to me? You better say if you’re nakedright no-” the door swung open, but came to a jarring halt as it collided withher back “-the fuck? Really?”

Chouchou shoved it back, though the resistance from theother side was extreme. “I told you not to come in!”

“An’ I ignored you.” Another shove, she had to drop herphone to fight it. “What’s wrong with you today?” She grunted as Yodo made afull-body slam against the door. “I’ve got two brothers, you ain’t winnin’ thisbattle.”

“Don’t care, just go sit in the kitchen while I get dressed!”

There was a long pause, though the pressure against her didn’tlet up for a second, before she heard a sigh and the crackling of plastic. Shewas just about to try for another push when a skinny hand slipped through thecrack between the door and its frame, handles of a plastic bag coming with it,though the main bulk of it remained trapped behind the door. “I already boughtsweets on my way here…”

She stared hard at the bag, mind rushing with all possibleoutcomes. “What kind?” Chouchou muttered, mentally cursing her unquenchableappetite.

“Gummies and chocolate raisins for you, sugar almonds and sourcandy for me.”

Her head made a heavy clunk as she slammed it back againstthe wood. “Ok, fine, but you’re notallowed to laugh, got it?”

“Yup, now lemme in!” Yodo shouted, already pushing againstthe door again.

Shaking her head, Chouchou carefully stepped back, catchingit before it could slam into her dresser. Her crush stumbled slightly, but wasquick to regain her footing and give her an intense up-and-down. She tried notto fidget under those hard, green eyes, instead focusing on Yodo’s expression,trying to gauge her reactions before the inevitable laughter.

The expected widening of eyes, her mouth dropping into atiny ‘o’ for a few seconds, before her lips pulled back as she tried – and failed– to conceal a smirk, a tiny shaking of shoulders and faint snort.

She sighed, rolling her eyes as she snatched the bag fromYodo’s slack grip, collapsing back onto her bed, before remembering why thatwas a terrible idea and dragging herself back up. “I told you not to laugh.”

“I ain’t laughing!” she said, utterly failing to sound likeshe wasn’t laughing.

“You’re a terrible liar,” Chouchou mumbled, digging for hersweets in crinkling plastic, “just thought I’d try and get into the spirit ofthings for the concert, but clearly punk is notmy style.” She didn’t bother to mention that she’d also hoped that maybeappealing to her secret crush’s taste in fashion might get her to see her in anew, more alluring, light.

Yodo finally released the laugh that she’d been holding back,but surprisingly it was more of a chuckle than the howling cackle she’d beenexpecting. The blonde jumped next to her, playfully shoving their shoulderstogether. “C’mon, it ain’t that bad, you’ve kinda got the right ide-”

Her words cut off suddenly, leaning back to study her a littlecloser; Chouchou chewed on a gummy snake and raised a brow.

“Actually,” Yodo said, leaping up and marching over to herfriend’s wardrobe, “Let’s see, no, no…”

Watching the short woman as she rifled though her things, noteven bothering to complain when she started throwing tops to the floor as shesearched – her dad had been trying to train her out of her messiness for over adecade with little success, Chouchou wasn’t even going to bother – just casuallyworking through her treats, wondering why the fuck she found that scrawny assso attractive.

Finally, she seemed to have found what she was after,throwing a t-shirt and skirt over her head. “’ere, change into this, keep thetights and boots though.”

Rolling her eyes, she escaped from the fabric and startedshuffling out of the distressed skinny jeans she had on. She didn’t worry aboutbeing watched, as her friend had already flopped down on the mattress and wasentertaining herself with her sugared almonds, besides, she wouldn’t reallymind if she did want to look…

The next twenty minutes was a flurry of changing tops until Yodowas satisfied, then she was ordered to sit still as she worked on her makeupand hair, singing along to her favourite rock playlist the whole time.

When she was finally allowed to look at herself again, she’dbeen completely transformed.

She stared for a long moment, then walked right up to themirror as though that would somehow make her reflection change to what she actually looked like, because there wasno way she could ever look so… badass.

“Oh.” She stepped back again, just to properly admire theway that her skirt – the long velvet one she’d never found an excuse toactually wear before – hugged her hips, the high slit revealing a long, toned,fishnet-clad leg, how her bright, jewel green crop top showed off a generousamount of skin, and added a splash of colour under the jacket she’d so hated justhalf an hour ago – though the fact that her friend had somehow managed toremove half the needless metal from it probably had something to do with that. “I…look fucking hardcore, damn girl, underall the studs and eyeliner you’re actually a total fashionista, aren’t cha?”

There was no reply.

Glancing over her shoulder, she was about to say something,but the way her crush was staring at her, jaw hanging open, eyes unfocused andcheeks definitely darker than usual stoppedher dead.

Yodo, upon realising that she was being spoken too, finally managedto unfreeze. “Uhh… oh! Shit! We’re gonna miss the show if we don’t get goin’! C’monlazy-butt, race ya!” She fled the room like she would flee from the scene ofher pranks, rather pointedly not looking back at her.

She couldn’t have stopped the wide grin stretching acrossplum-painted lips if she’d tried. Maybe Inojin knew what he was talking aboutafter all…

—

#ictoan writes #ictoan answers #yodochou #yodo #chouchou akimichi #naruto #boruto #this took way longer than it probably should have bc i had to keep looking up fashion stuff #for reference!#i'm actually really amazed that i've gotten so many reqs for these two this month #which is not a bad thing at all #i will never get sick of these girls #anonymous

8 notes · View notes