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#i had sooooo many thoughts

secretagentspydetectiveninja · 6 months

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i keep thinking about the surprisingly complex dynamic of nahyuta and ema by the way

ema is clearly so baffled by nahyuta dragging her across the world with him, showing her such uncharacteristic kindness despite her openly supporting the other team. but knowing nahyuta and his habit of doing meticulous amounts of research on everything, he likely knows about the SL-9 incident, and more importantly, the difficult and torturous lengths that lana went to, in order to protect ema. he himself is doing the same with his own little sister. he knows that if ema found out the truth, at least she would understand him. she would get it. perhaps in a way that very few other people would.

and besides, he barely has anyone he can talk to. he doesn't believe in the mask he's being forced to wear, but what else can he do? he can't reconnect with apollo, because if ga'ran finds out that they're long lost family then apollo will be in danger, just like everyone else nahyuta cares about already is. he can never show mercy to the defendants. it's a lonely life he leads.

but ema technically works for him. officially, she's on his side. and yet she's friends with phoenix, apollo and athena, she wants the truth to prevail over injustice, she's everything nahyuta wishes he could be but can't. she's a good person. and she's just about the only person he can show any amount of kindness towards, without it putting her life at risk. after all, she works for the prosecution, right? in these dire circumstances she's the only friend he can possibly have.

he loves science -- it's the perfect excuse. he can travel around the world with her, getting away from khura'in for a while and experiencing a limited freedom from ga'ran's clutches, even if just for a few days. he can talk to someone who doesn't blindly believe that all lawyers are scum. he can breathe. in the deepest well of icy despair, ema skye is his lifeline, his reminder that all is not lost. there is someone out there who can forgive him for everything he's done. someone who, on an intrinsic level, will understand him. someone who he can care about without a guillotine hanging above their head threatening to take them away from him again.

and ema is baffled -- why, against all odds, does nahyuta like her so much?

eventually she learns the truth. in a nutshell, he did it for his sister. and that is something that ema can always, always understand. no wonder he trusted her. with this understanding of his nature, she can finally trust him too.

#i have too many thoughts about this freaking game it's so good #ace attorney #aa6 spoilers #random stuff #nahyuta sahdmadhi #ema skye #skyemadhi #(my aro brain as usual): h-hehe... is qpr? 👉👈#i've had this saved in my drafts for sooooo looong i'm just gonna post it now

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pocketsizedquasar · 1 year

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the THING. the thing the thing the thing. the thing about ahab and starbuck. is that to each other. starbuck is devotion without trust. and ahab is trust without devotion.

starbuck is SO devoted to ahab. like, unhealthily devoted to him. like “some ineffable thing has tied me to him; tows me with a cable I have no knife to cut” devoted to him. like “I misdoubt me that I disobey my God in obeying him!” devoted; like “stares down the barrel of ahab’s gun pointed at him and keeps his cool” devoted to him, like “recognizes that the only way home to his family, home to his wife and child, is by refusing ahab, and yet still he chooses ahab, chooses him over and over again over himself, over his crew, over his own survival, over his own God, chooses his captain over his wife and his child and making it home to them” devoted to him. over everything, starbuck chooses ahab.

but he doesn’t trust him. of course he doesn’t; why would he? he’s no reason to trust him; he knows ahab is going to lead them all to their deaths no matter what starbuck says. he tries and tries and tries over and over again to get ahab to turn around and it’s never enough.

and ahab. ahab trusts starbuck--as much as he can trust anyone. that trust is not always there -- especially not at the beginning; it grows throughout the book. starbuck is truly the only one on this boat with the means to stop ahab, and he knows it. ahab wants him on his side, spends time winning him over, is pleased when he thinks it’s worked -- “starbuck is now mine” (gay as hell to--). but even then, there is a level of trust there -- stubb talks back to ahab and he immedediately and commandingly shuts that shit down, but starbuck? ahab listens to him. even changes his mind for him in certain places, listening to starbuck over his own wants. immediately after holding him at gunpoint (lmao) he gives in to starbuck’s request because he knows he’s right. “thou art but too good a fellow, starbuck.” and in the very end, when he needs help to be hoisted up into the rigging because he is unable to make it up on his own with his prosthetic, ahab decides to trust starbuck with his life over everyone else -- over the harpooners, over fedallah, over everyone -- to hold the line that would keep him alive: “Take the rope, sir—I give it into thy hands, Starbuck.” starbuck could easily kill him here -- let go of the rope and send him plunging 100 feet to a shattered death on the deck of the pequod, and ahab trusts him with his life. take my life, starbuck; i’m putting it in your hands. he trusts starbuck to stay on the ship while he goes off to hunt the white whale.

but still, still, ahab does not truly ever choose starbuck. he cares for him, certainly -- he wants starbuck to stay on the ship and be safe while he goes off -- but still, ahab chooses his vengeance over him. he trusts starbuck enough to see god in his eyes, trusts him enough to lean against him for support, to let starbuck physically hold him up when his leg is snapped, trusts him enough to gaze into his eyes and lean in his arms and ask him to brush the hair from his tired wrinkled brow and still still still still doesn’t choose him. starbuck chooses ahab over everything and ahab chooses his iron-railed path over starbuck. “What is it, what nameless, inscrutable, unearthly thing is it; what cozening, hidden lord and master, and cruel, remorseless emperor commands me; that against all natural lovings and longings, I so keep pushing?”

devotion without trust. i will follow you into the hell i know you’re bringing us to. i will hold your life in my hands. even though i cannot trust you to protect me and do right by me and our crew. trust without devotion. i will put my life in your hands. i will trust you with everything i have. even though i cannot choose you over the fate i was assigned.

im mentally unwell about them.

#mobydick #moby dick #whale weekly #starbuck #captain ahab #ahab #starhab #herman melville #melville #they're sooooo.#ugh. i hate them #quasartalks #classic lit #classic literature #whale weekly spoilers #inspired by many convos i've had with my lovely partner about them #we are both soooo normal (lying) about starhab <3 #they're so dramatic. so unhealthy. dudes get it together /lh #i always have more thoughts about them but. asdflkjasdlkfjaeskdlfjslkdjf waaaaaaa

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thelemonsnek · 9 months

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The two legendary dragons, despite how long they've been alive and how much they've been through, have never been apart in any meaningful way. Zekrom!Ingo is not having a good time (neither is Reshiram!Emmet, but that's neither here nor there :) ) More on this under the cut!

[image id: a two page comic featuring Ingo and Melli from Pokemon Legends Arceus. The entire comic is a sketch, with guidelines still visible, and is done in black and white, aside from cyan lightning. The entire comic is set on a mountaintop cliffside, in the middle of a huge thunderstorm. Everything is very dark, and rain is visible throughout.

Ingo stands at the edge of a cliff, facing away from the viewer and looking into an intense storm. Lightning strikes off in the distance, and harsh winds are ripping at his clothes. The second panel is a closeup profile view of his face. He is leaning into the wind, eyes shut, seeming to be either looking for something within himself or trying to lose himself in the storm. The third panel is a closeup of Melli's face, shadowed.

Melli comes up behind Ingo, and asks him, "Why are you chasing storms, Ingo?" Then, gaining momentum, he seems to yell louder above the storm, "you have a life, so live it. the time before now is long gone." Ingo, still facing away from Melli and staring out at the storm, says nothing for a beat, then without turning around, asks, "Do you think that I do not know that, Warden Melli?"

The next panel looks out over the stormswept mountain. Multiple lightning strikes are visible as Ingo says, "I am well aware that my tracks are without destination. But I cannot switch over to new tracks, lest I risk derailment."

The next panel switches back to showing Ingo and Melli. Ingo has turned around now to face Melli. He has placed a hand to his chest, teeth bared as he shouts, "I know that this could be my home station, if I let it." His eyes now have lightning branching off from them, and his teeth are sharper. Black scales are visible, creeping up his hand. Melli is braced against both the storm and Ingo's sudden anger.

In the final panel, Ingo has somewhat collapsed in on himself, and half turns away. His hands are now twisted into claws, with more obvious scaling, and his teeth are sharper. "But I cannot," he says quietly, visibly defeated. Melli seems less ready for a fight now, and has drawn back, possibly out of sympathy or fear (and maybe both). End id]

Ingo and Emmet are Zekrom and Reshiram!

the gods are real and they're autistic about trains

they can "shift" in and out of their draconic forms, and have several stages in between (human, partial, mid, etc) basically it's a sliding scale of traits! Here we can see Ingo's "partial" state, where he has fangs, claws, and scales but not much else

the two of them have never really been apart. Oh sure they've been on differing sides of the continent, and sometimes one of them will work a differing shift than the other, but not in any meaningful way

not til Ingo gets eebied :)

separated for the first time with no way to reunite, they find themselves completely unable to shift fully, only barely able to get to a partial form. For Ingo this is pretty convenient! Not as much to try and hide/explain away :) for Emmet this is terrifying

there's another side effect to them being apart, and it's that their roles...don't switch, but Emmet finds himself endlessly driven by the ideal to find his brother, while Ingo is constantly seeking the truth of who he was and what he left behind. We get to see a little bit of the conflict this causes within Ingo here!

they do eventually reunite and it's cool as hell, I'd love to draw it out someday

#art #my art #digital art #lemon yemon #pokemon #pokemon art #subway boss ingo #pla melli #legendary dragon au #highlandshipping #sort of? technically #not yet but later on in this au. this is like the prelude for that #anyways i have sooooo many thoughts about this au #many thoughts about all my aus but right now especially this one #in the months before this comic ingo and melli had never really interacted #ofc they have interacted before bc they live in the same general area so ofc their paths would overlap (like we see in game!)#but theyre definitely not friends #friendly yes! or at least ingo tries to be friendly. melli is melli. but not /friends/#melli has noticed a pattern though and hes not about to let some self destructive warden drag him down too #melli voice no dont die! thatd be so much paperwork!#not that they have to do paperwork for deaths #i mean maybe idk diamond clan procedures for deaths #but probably not im guessing #but those 'no! paperwork!' vibes are whats driving melli here #(after this though ;) after this that changes a bit ;) )#submas

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music-orthemisery · 1 month

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I’m back with actual thoughts. They’re not coherent, more rambling, but they are thoughts, so here you go!

I’ve been in the fob fandom for a while. I got into them during the hiatus, was on the very outside of fandom during srr, and joined during abap. I kinda floated in and out. This is all to say I’ve seen p2’s post hiatus interactions in various forms for years. I’ve seen people’s different theories, from they are romantically involved, to best buds, to that they are just coworkers.

maybe it’s just recency bias, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen them so close or so fond of each other. They just seem to be so… loving towards each other??? Like it’s the french cabbage comment night every night. “I’ve been reduced to the words you’ve chosen for me” who says that??? “You look especially good tonight” “play us a song, love”. and patrick doesn’t roll his eyes, or make a face. what the fuck??? Like, whatever you want to theorize their relationship is, there’s so much love there.

HIIIII ANON!

i know not what you speak of - this is perfectly coherent to me!

first off, i don't think it's recency bias at all as i've been defining SMFS as the era where they stopped giving a fuck. i'd argue that not only p2, but also fob as a whole, are the most comfortable and having the most fun than any other time in their career. their collective presence now is SO at ease and joyful - it's truly been beautiful to witness.

more specifically to p2, i think covid really challenged them and had them come to terms with what really matters in life. there has been tangible love between them since the very beginning, but i think they are less concerned about public opinion now and more willing to show that love more explicitly.

the media circus of the 00s' - which was even more cruel and invasive than it is now (IMO) - nearly ripped fob, and p2, apart. looking at sources from back then can give you a picture of that. let me tell you, though - living through it? it was...rough to witness. i'd be shocked if any fan who was paying attention then was SURPRISED by the hiatus.

sad, yes. but surprised? no.

post-h fob was A LOT more careful with their boundaries - they were still themselves, but they were definitely more reserved, especially in how they interacted with each other. p2 were especially more careful and there was definitely a particular...narrative being pushed. they loosened up over time, but. there was a VIBE...

i think the pandemic really did punt them into - fuck it, why don't we just be/do what we want? why are we keeping ourselves in this box? as pete has said many times recently - life is short, so do everything.

(i'd also....be very curious about their label change. you don't just switch labels for funsies. just sayin.)

at the same time, i don't think that trauma from the 00s will ever leave them, so, at the end of the day, they WILL opt to be more private than not, and i don't think we ever will know the true depth of their relationship.

i will end by saying that i REALLY struggle with the "just coworkers/patrick just puts up with pete/patrick is annoyed by pete/patrick,joe,andy put up with pete for the paycheck/etc." narratives that i see float around. i could go on a whole rant on that alone, but i'll keep it focused to this -

if p2 don't actually have the deep relationship they say they do, why do they keep saying it? why is the term "soulmate" being used in 2024? why are they still pushing the narrative about this if it isn't true? they could've left that in the dust YEARS ago. their fame does NOT count on that. fans are often blinded by the fact that this is a HUGE band and the majority of people who make them successful know NOTHING about their band dynamics. they don't need to engage in this "fan service" to be successful at this point, and it's certainly nothing p2 would agree to now after what they went through pre-h.

anon, this is probably more than what you were looking for, but all i'm saying is that your thoughts here are TOTALLY valid and please send more <3

#THANK U ANON I LOVE U ANON #this easily could've turned into a full-on novel honestly #the amount of times i had to be like 'stick to the POINT mm!!!!'#just have sooooo many thoughts re: fob and their journey through fame in the 00s and how that impacted their post-h presence/interactions #anon asks #fall out boy #fob #p2

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fairyhaos · 9 months

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you guys i'm like. bored so look at my cool little vampire dude

#ive had sooooo many vamp hao thoughts for ages like it's actually insane #also insane that i havent written anything for it either #yena talks #minghao.svt

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starboystudios · 1 year

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I made this illustration a couple summers ago for a velvet goldmine zine that unfortunately didn't end up panning out, and have... kind of been sitting on it forever despite still being really proud of it. I put SO much detail into this thing, I made up the curt wild poster based on a real film still, and the other two posters are based on real posters for lindsay kemp's pantomime of jean genet's Our Lady of the Flowers and a midnight screening of jack smith's film Flaming Creatures respectively (seasoned VG fans will get all the references in each of those). One of my personal favourite little details is the pattern on billy's pants - they were my attempt of adapting the pattern on ola salo's pants in this magazine photoshoot.

reblog >>>> likes!!

do not repost!!

#starboy art #velvet goldmine #todd haynes #the flaming creatures #placebo #brian molko #steve hewitt #xavior roide #spacehog #antony langdon #artists on tumblr #ALL THE FUCKING TEXTURES. THE BOA. SATIN. VELVET. THE WOOD FLOOR. ALL OF THOSE GODDAMNED SEQUINS. ALL FROM SCRATCH.#(RAY'S CHEETAH PRINT UNDERWEAR IS BASED ON THE ONES FROM THE FILM SCENE)#ok but for real. i am still so proud of this. i love these weird gay bitches and i hope you all enjoy <3 #ohhh my g*d as i am typing this out i just remembered that i gave malcolm cigarette sh burn scars. i ENTIRELY forgot about that hc i had.#i have sooooo many thoughts about them.#if anyone wants to talk about these fuckers feel free to dm me here or on my main

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trashlie · 1 year

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ILY FP 210, 211, 212

WOOOOOOOF I’ve been holding off on writing this post, because I wanted to wait for this whole “episode” to fully come out. Quimchee revealed they were all meant to happen in one episode, but SO MUCH was happening in the episode that it was too long to do as the one. I... kind of wish I hadn’t waited because now there is SO MUCH for me to cover, so I’m going to do my best to keep this organized and coherent.

No lie, these go up there in my top episodes, especially 212. I have a feeling I might have some different feelings than others on this one...? We’ll see, I’m keen to hear how all of you are thinking and feeling about it. To me, these episodes really encapsulate a good 80% of the plot that we’ve been dealing with, and there’s some good reveals in here that have been a LONG time coming. I think everything is set up now for the time skip to come, and especially after all the events that transpired this arc (remember how this all started out so many moons ago with Nol going to the company Christmas party? That feels like it was years ago to what is happening now!) I am BEYOND excited to see what the time skips have in store for us!

Anyway, before I start spoiling things, let’s get into it!

Well and truly, I love this arc! It’s really capture so much of the story this bigger story has centered on - the relationship between Nol and Kousuke. This isn’t the root of the story, of course, but it’s a significant portion of what we’ve come to read for, I think, and I cannot tell you how much I love seeing the characters verbally acknowledge things they’ve swept under a rug.

212 felt especially raw to me - Kousuke’s confessions are tragic in the way of too little too late, and the realization that Nol was never against him, that he was always on the same side, that they could have been an incredible team may come to haunt him. That acknowledgement of his that nobody really liked him - no one else but the one person he had demeaned and devalued until he was truly nobody - really hit me like a sucker punch. I truly thought these were truths Kousuke wouldn’t be able to reach until he lost more, like his job or his sense of self, but I guess we can argue that he’s lost a lot of his sense of self; from the moment he punched Nol, it’s clear that he’s dissociating. That also serves to tell us how important this moment is for Kousuke, what it means to him, what Nol means to him.

Now, I’ll be upright honest with you guys, because I think this is where the difference of opinions will come in. I really enjoy stories with this kind of element of hatred and care so intricately interlaced in family or friends. There’s something about this sense of care being overwritten by jealousy so scathing it mutates into resentment and hatred and loathing. The way these two feelings battle out, the way ugly emotions are so strong they come to eclipse any hope for warmth. Idk it’s intriguing to me, it creates a compelling story.

And in Kousuke’s case, it is! A running theory has been that Kousuke treats Shinae the way he does because he is, subconsciously, treating her how he wishes he’d treated Nol. As the story went on and Kousuke’s ugliness started to come out more and more and his paranoia began to consume him, I think it was probably difficult for many to find credence in this theory - that there was no way Kousuke could have cared about Nol and transferred it to Shinae when he treated Nol how he did but I’m still here for the theory. It’s just that Kousuke’s ugliness was so strong, overwhelming, it eclipsed anything else.

Now I’m not saying I think Kousuke loves Nol or thinks of him as a brother, but rather I think deep down, he understood they were connected. As a child, Nol was the only person who didn’t treat Kousuke like an object - like a puppet or rich vending machine or influence to be gained. But how could Kousuke allow himself to think so favorably of Nol when he was so deeply rooted in jealousy?

This is what I find especially intriguing about their dynamic. Something I talk about a lot is that Nol and Kousuke are both the products of abuse - Kousuke is the way he is due to neglect and manipulation, and in turn he took that out on Nol. I’ve seen people say Kousuke doesn’t make sense to them, but he DOES and this episode really drove that home and confirmed a lot of things I’d felt.

Kousuke’s treatment of Nol all stems from Rand and his affair. Let’s look at it from Kousuke’s perspective. He has a father who is never around, and when he is he’s busy and always puts his career first. He rarely joins them for family time, there’s a rift between him and his wife. All young Kousuke wants is for his father to spend time with him, to be around, to notice him. His mother tells him things - if he’s a good boy Father will pay attention; if he wants his father’s attention he needs to be just like him; if he wants Father to care to notice he must be exactly like him. But his mother also says other thing - that there’s someone else, money is being wired to someone. At school people murmur similar things.

All he wants is his father’s approval, his father’s pride, his father’s attention, his father’s time. He must not be good enough, yet. He must not matter, yet. He’ll make sure he does, though. He’ll do exactly what his mother says, he’ll buckle down just like she tells him, he’ll make sure to become the perfect son that his father can be proud of.

So you can understand, then, why the discovery that the murmurs are true, that there’s another family, would shatter him the way it did, why it remains a point of breaking for him even as an adult, why he never really reconciles his father’s affair. How is it that the man who has no time for him or their family, had enough time to create a second family? Why was he so undeserving of his time? Why was he so undeserving of his attention?

And it rooted deep inside him, right in the core of his foundation. This other boy who describes his father as someone who couldn’t possibly be the same man as his father - a funny man, a kind man. That is not the father Kousuke knows, so why does this other child know him? (Never mind that this child has also never met that version of his father.) It all stems from that: a craving for something he’s never received.

Kousuke’s whole speech about how there was only one kind, sweet, generous, funny person in his life was the very person he attacked and tore down hit me HARD. His admission of fear, that he ACTUALLY ADMITTED TO BEING SCARED, that he’ll never be good enough for Rand, that nothing he would ever do would make him worthy of his attention actually hurt. This is the kind of thing I’ve been wanting Kousuke to acknowledge and embrace, because it’s the one thing that has been fueling and propelling him. He doesn’t do this job because he’s passionate about it - he does it because he’s still vying for love and attention. He didn’t forsake his childhood because he was above it - he literally sacrificed it for his father. Regardless of what you think about Kousuke now, it has to be acknowledged that he, too, has suffered. And let’s not pretend that Yui truly believed that Kousuke could win Rand’s affection this way - it still feels like it was a game for her, a manipulation to turn him into someone she could use to get her way, a puppet if you will. It’s fucking sad to think that he gave up everything because he was so determined to earn his father’s love, that his love and attention was believed to be so conditional he had to make himself worthy of it.

“I hate you for making me aware this person exists. And I hate your face being a constant reminder of it.”

So many times, Kousuke has berated Nol for his playful, joking behavior, for seeming so lax and carefree. I’d always thought it was jealousy that he didn’t have that kind of life, that he wasn’t allowed it - and that probably is still a part of it - but now we know that when Yeonggi laughed and played around, he was a vision of a version of Rand Kousuke had never known, a spitting image of a man Kousuke didn’t even know could exist.

And as Nol points out, it was all for naught. All of Kousuke’s jealousy and his fear, tearing down Nol so that he could instead get to know that version of Rand. All of it was for naught, because who knows if that man even exists? It seems like only one person ever knew her, and who’s to know if she didn’t make him up. Kousuke has spent his entire life - sacrificed his childhood, accelerated himself through school, forsook any fun or leisure - on a quest for a man who probably doesn’t exist, for something he’ll never achieve. He spent his whole life tearing down someone innocent trying to get to something he’ll never have.

I really thought it would take for Kousuke to lose it all, to stumble in his career before he’d realize it, but here he is.

But on the other side of that, we have Nol. Nol, who also lost - and lost more than Kousuke did. Nol who was isolated and alienated, Nol who tried time and time again to reach out and create a connection, and was refused every time. Nol who suffered under Kousuke and Yui’s watch over and over. Nol, who despite it all, still tried to treat Kousuke well, still tried to give him a chance, still tried to reach out to him at his most desperate.

I think that really illustrates something important: an understanding that there is a reason for Kousuke’s behavior and his paranoia, where it comes from, but that reason doesn’t justify. I can acknowledge both that Kousuke absolutely is the product of his environment and that he has been an asshole about it lol. Idk I can admit that my intrigue in his has grown a LOT.

These episodes have just tapped into something so deep that I love about this series - that our experiences heavily color our interpersonal relationships, as well as our relationships with our own selves. Nol notes that he, too, suffered, he, too, lost, he has been alone and alienated and despite it all he still tried, and he still attempted to be a good person, in contrast to Kousuke who let his suffering turn him into an asshole. It was kind of a hard-to-read moment, because Nol spoke the truth, and as much as I feel for Kousuke, Nol is right. Because he never attempted to deal with those ugly feelings, because he never chose to face them, because he instead wore them as armor, it became his identity, he became an asshole through those experiences. Had there ever been a moment that he could have met Nol in the middle, that he could have put aside his jealousy, that he could have turned off his Rand blinders, he could have seen what Nol was able to see earlier and more clearly. And isn’t that sad? They could have been a great team, they could have had each others’ back in a world where no one else did, they could have been there for each other, but Kousuke couldn’t cross that line.

Again, I fully acknowledge that Kousuke is the way he is because of those experiences. I acknowledge that this is the wake up call he needed, that he was forced to finally reckon with the truth.

But I also worry what will come of Kousuke as a result of Rand’s arrival. Is he going to backpedal? Is this going to short-circuit something and push him to double down, or is it going to free him?

Kousuke has spent his entire life trying to earn Rand’s favor, to earn his attention. Everything he has done has been an angle to get closer to his father. Like, when you break it all down, that’s the sad, basic truth. He was a child who so desperately wanted his father’s attention that his life became about that. And here comes Rand, showing up when it looks like Kousuke is running away. Rand who never had time for him, Rand who didn’t shower him with warmth and affection.

Rand who showed up and wailed “My son” in response to Nol.

That whole scene honestly hurts me. Nol is hurt, Rand is anguished and horrified, and Kousuke? Kousuke finally witnessing his father show a fatherly side - and it wasn’t for him. And not only that but Rand might not even believe that Kousuke was trying to get help, that he attempted to get Nol up but couldn’t. And does it even matter when the truth is that Kousuke DID cause this? I can’t imagine it was his intention - I don’t think his mind went “punch Nol and he’ll fall over the railing” as much as Nol tried to leave and Kousuke reacted on that. But the point still stands: even if it wasn’t his intention, this is still ultimately his fault. Nol goaded him on and played a part, but Kousuke was the hand that acted.

I fear that this will ruin what little relationship Kousuke has with Rand - and it’s a fear because it means Kousuke could swing in two wholly opposite directions. Does he double-down and return to the side of his mother, the only family member who has made him feel like someone’s child? I don’t think he’s at the point where he can extricate himself from the family, as good as it would be. And I worry that if that’s the case, will he double back down on his treatment and resentment of Nol? For this one moment, he saw that they were equals, that they both had a broken, shitty relationship with Rand. And then Rand showed up, showing that paternal side Kousuke has longed for.

As much as I WANT Kousuke to hold on to that moment, I don’t know that he can. I think the cracks have formed and I think his fragile reality is crumbling faster, but I fear he’ll retreat back into the “comfort” of the world he knows.

Here’s the thing about Kousuke: on some level he knows. He knows that Yui isn’t great, he knows that she has done awful things, he knows that Nol did no wrong, he knows that Rand will probably never change. But these are such uncomfortable truths and he has spent his life propped up by a false reality. This was pointed out by AugmentedElle on reddit, but look at the difference in Kousuke’s flashbacks. Look at the memory in 210 vs 212. The flashback in 210 is the strongest, most vibrant memory we’ve yet seen. Ordinarily they’re in some kind of grey scale, or at least muted colors, sometimes with spot color like in Shinae’s. In Nol and Kousuke’s flashbacks thus far, we’ve seen those muted colors or alterations - Nessa’s face appearing scribbled out in Kousuke’s memories, just as in 212. The use of color suggests that the memory in 210 is, quite possibly, fabricated. It starts out with Kousuke dazed, unable to remember what just happened, and Yui comes in and tells him he won’t have to see that boy for a long time. It feels like something happened - that perhaps Kousuke did something (the huffing that parallels his huffing after he punches Nol in the current story) and blocked it out or whited out and Yui came in and gave him an iteration of the story. It’s the strongest memory because it didn’t come from him - because it was filled in and colored in by someone else. The whole time we’ve thought Nol had perhaps been pushed to the bring, that Kousuke instigated a fight and Nol snapped, but maybe it was never Nol. Maybe the whole time Kousuke has associated Nol with danger and violence - because he was wired to think that way. That whatever happened and lead to that moment was so traumatic he doesn’t have the real memory, and instead carries a fabrication.

And that is essentially the basis of Kousuke’s entire life. Regardless of intent, Yui does manipulate Kousuke. She says things knowing full-well the effect they’ll have. Consider that moment with Nol and Nessa vs Yui in Kousuke’s flashback in 212. He watches Nessa blow raspberries on Nol’s cheek, a warm and silly exchange full of so much love and care - and then he looks up at Yui, who wears her maternal mask, shadows falling eerie over her face. Doesn’t it feel so much like she set this up? Doesn’t it feel like she knew Nessa and Nol would be around? She fills his head with things like “the only way to get your father’s attention is to be just like him” and “we’re not like other families we’re so special” and “isn’t it just so wonderful that rand at least has enough time to eat with us”? That’s not vouching for Rand - that’s passive aggression towards Rand and creating an idea of who Rand is - that Rand unwittingly lives up to. Despite speaking of the affair in front Kousuke, she turns and tells him that “Your father values us too much, he would never do such a thing” - a blatant lie that only plays into that feeling Kousuke wears that he’s been cheated, that there exists a version of his father that has been denied to him. Nessa tells Nol that Rand was a kind, sweet, generous, funny man. Yui tells Kousuke that Rand is anything but funny and he has no time for jokes. Maybe both are true, but Nol’s unintentionally makes a point about how Yui speaks of Kousuke’s father, vs how Yui spoke of Nol’s father. Why would a parent speak ill of the other parent -- if not to make the child see them that way.

(She also tells him there’s nothing she hates more than people who don’t take things seriously, and well, look at how Kousuke came out.)

There’s a fragile cognitive dissonance between what Kousuke knows to be true - that is, the reality that has been shaped by his experiences and Yui’s manipulation - vs actual reality, and we’ve seen this a number of times when various events threaten that tentative balance. Kousuke at the club, angry and paranoid, is aware of what people really think of him. Deep down he knows people don’t see him as great, as an honorable gentleman. Deep down he knows he’s a selfish, judgmental asshole, but it doesn’t fit the fabricated reality he believes in, so it only comes out in his paranoia. He knows that Nol is like him, that he didn’t have the love Kousuke coveted, that he tried to get by quietly, but Kousuke’s fear and paranoia still thought of him as the boy who had earned the love that Kousuke couldn’t, and that made him a threat. He knows what kind of person Yui is and has tried to draw boundaries, but he’s still told her things about Nol that she could act on, because he knows what she is capable of. When people or events fracture that reality, he struggles and lashes out, because he needs that reality to keep it together, but it’s crumbling fast.

Between the phone call with Rand and the moment that Rand shows up on the scene - what is the state of Kousuke’s reality? Is it crumbling? Is he trying to stuff the crumbling rocks back into the foundation? Will he retreat to his mother, the only one who can keep the tint of his rose colored glasses or will he be forced to face reality for what it really is? I wish it would be the latter, but I just don’t know if he’s ready for it yet. I don’t know if he can face that which he’s run from this whole time just yet.

As for Nol, woooooooof. What a fucking NIGHT. To think - THIS IS HIS GODDAMN BIRTHDAY. On the one hand, I think, maybe this can give him some kind of peace. He’s finally gotten a piece of Kousuke’s mind, he finally knows how Kousuke sees him, what he thinks of him, and what motivated him all these years. Maybe with this knowledge, Nol will be able to walk away in peace. He doesn’t have to wonder anymore. He knows where he stands - and where he’s always stood - and I think he’s made it clear that he’s drawn his line. He is done, he is finished, with all of them. If Kousuke can find his way to the other side of the line, then good for him, but Nol has no intention of trying to bring him over anymore.

I do think there’s a lot of room for them to reconcile in the future - when Nol’s raw anger has maybe ebbed, when Kousuke has found himself and learned to stand on his own ground, rather than prop himself up by his fabricated reality. But they are far from there. I’ve said before that I had a feeling maybe we’ll see the three main characters reunite in the time skip as adults after having gone separate ways, and that feeling still lingers. Nol has made it clear that he still wants to get away - and frankly I think he needs to. I wish he’d say so much to his friends, I wish he’d tell them where they stand. I feel so bad for Shinae, who went through so much grief and angst and really put herself out there to bring him back, to get her closure - and then when she had it and was ready to let him go, he insisted on staying. For him to turn around and leave like that again, after everything she told him, after the ways she opened up to herself, god that must hurt a lot. I guess on the one hand, she got the closure she wanted but.... it wasn’t even that long ago that Nol was making jabs at Kousuke for abandoning his friends, and there he goes doing it a SECOND time.

There’s a piece I’d love to give more time and thought to - that maybe all along, on a deep, subconscious level, Kousuke feared Nol leaving and that’s why he’s always acted when Nol was on the leave. If Nol leaves he’ll be truly alone. If Nol goes, there is truly no one left who ever liked him, who ever saw any value in him. This post is already long enough, so I’ll try to spit that out later this week, if I can. I think it’s not a coincidence that Kousuke punched Nol as he was leaving, that he didn’t bring himself to do it when Nol promised he’d leave, just as he let Yui know Nol was planning to leave. Maybe he doesn’t recognize it yet, but I think Kousuke is terrified of being left alone and Nol escaping without him.

Like I said, more on that later, but it’s an important point that I think ties in really well with this relationship Kousuke has towards Nol. It’s complicated, fucked up, toxic, and messy, and it needs a LOT of untangling by professional help. But I do think these last episodes really set something up for Nol and Kousuke’s future - as much as there is so much resentment and anger between them, there’s a mutual sense of longing, of needing each other to fill a void: for Nol, he sought out a brother in Kousuke, a companion against the adults in their lives; for Kousuke, that knowledge that Nol, too, had suffered that neglect, and was the only person who had ever truly liked him. I think one day when that anger has died, when they’ve made peace and hopefully worked on themselves, when Kousuke has freed himself, I think there’s a chance they will be able to reconcile. Like I said, maybe they’ll never be family to each other; there’s so much damage there, it’s really possible that can never be undone. But I think at some point, at least, they will see themselves on the same side, rather than each other.