#i guess only allowing people in my life who make me feel valued is a good thing and sign of maturity

[charliedawn]

Hey this is some stupid fear I have but how would some slasher ( whoever you want. ) React to a nurse who is young like in 20s and isn't scared at dying at a young age or isn't scared of dying like any time, but it's scared to grow up? It's really a stupid fear I have personal.

P.S you don't need to do it tho.

( sorry for the bad Grammer, English is my second language. )

Pennywise:

"Yeah. Growing up is scary, kid. I won’t lie to you. But, guess what ? It is part of the process." Pennywise hesitated before patting your head. "Cheer up. Being mortal isn’t all that bad. Living forever is a bore honestly."

Pennywise’s throat tightened as he realised that you would grow up. He knew it was a process and that in the blink of an eye…You would be gone. He waited a few seconds before surprising you by pulling you into a hug. Your eyes widened as you realised that he was shaking.

"Pennywise…" You uttered in a whisper before sighing and hugging him back.

He didn’t say anything. Truth was ? He was scared too. But, he didn’t want to tell you with words. So, he hugged you and hoped you’d understand that he was scared too…but that he was happy that whatever little life you had left, he’d be right next to you until the end.

Penny:

Penny lost so many people in his life that he asked Pennywise to erase his memories of the people he used to love. When you shared your fears with him however, he tilted his head and seemed to ponder on it for a moment before shrugging.

"I could make you live forever. Would you be happier if I did ? Make you immortal ?"

You started thinking about it.

Living forever ? You smiled sadly and shook your head negatively.

"Thank you, Penny. But…I don’t think I would like to live forever. Life is meant to be precious…It is not meant to go on forever."

Penny tilted his head and looked puzzled, but he didn’t say anything. It was odd. He had never seen his life as precious when he was alive. But yours ? His jaw twitched slightly. Yours. He valued.

Vincent Sinclair:

Vincent is an artist. He sees beauty in everything.

When he heard that you were scared of growing up, he just started taking as many pictures as he could of you and showed them to you. He then told you in sign language that you’d live forever—in his camera.

And that if you were scared ? Well, you just had to look at the photos and remember that that was how he would remember you forever. He then started stroking your hair and pressed his forehead against yours to calm you down.

Vincent knew he would eventually have to say goodbye.

But, to him ?

You would always remain a masterpiece.

Five Hargreeves:

"Growing up is scary. But, being stuck as a child is even worse. Children never get heard. I would know. I was a child. Twice."

He said and looked down. So many years spent in solitude. So many years wasted. He lived for decades and yet, Five never thought that he was truly alive. He was feeling better with his siblings, but he never actually had any moment in his life that he could say that he felt like he was enough or enough. Sometimes, he even wondered if the world would have been better without him.

It was only when he was admitted in St Louis that he realised he wanted to be something more and make his life a good one. It wasn’t until he met…you.

He looked at you and smiled.

"You gave me a life. And even when you get older and start forgetting about how you changed everything for me, I’ll be there to remind you. Every single day."

Jason Voorhees:

Jason never had a real childhood. He was bullied as a kid and his overprotective mother never allowed him to get out of her sight. When she died, he had no one to look after him and felt lost and lonely. He tried to reach out to people, but he could never create attachment with anyone.

So, he just kept killing and making sure people stayed away, because it was better than to get hurt.

And then, he met you.

He started caring for you more than he’d care to admit and soon enough, he wasn’t feeling as lonely anymore.

Jason *hugs you tightly*

Jason started looking up to you and even though he was also afraid of what will happen when you get too old to keep him company, he still wanted to keep you close to him—no matter how sad he would be once he would have to say goodbye.

Brahms Heelshire:

Brahms looked at you and shook his head—as if he didn’t believe you.

"Y/N…Never going to grow old. Will stay young forever. Young forever with Brahms."

He hugged you and closed his eyes.

Deep down, he knew that you’d eventually grow old and disappear. But, in his mind ? You’d always be perfect. No matter how old you get or how afraid you get.

Brahms : "Don’t worry, Y/N. Brahms is here. Brahms will stay with you…"

He held back tears and just hugged you tighter.

Norman Bates:

Norman: "…Darling. Listen to me. I am the oldest slasher to have ever existed. I was born in 1932. I am old. Very old. But…I would give up a whole eternity just to be with you. So, it is not about having a long life, but a good one. A worthy life. And just meeting you made mine worth it. And if I was to die tomorrow ? I can say…I lived a good life." He smiled and stroked your cheek affectionately with his forefinger. "You should do the same. Stop worrying about when your time is gonna run out or because of the few wrinkles on your face. Just remember to have fun and enjoy your life. Take the advice of a man who’s seen it all."

He then put down a tray on the table.

"Now, tea ?"

Jack Torrance:

"Old ? Ah. Don’t you worry, sweetheart. You’ll be one hell of a cute old lady, if you get there." Jack never got the chance to grow old. He secretly misses being alive. He would have loved to grow old with his family and be a father to Danny. But, he never got there. He died—frozen and alone. He then came back as some sort of ghost who feeds on fear. So, no. Growing old isn’t something he would find scary, or losing you. Because he knows that when you do grow old and eventually leave this world, you will go to a nice place—unlike him. And if you don’t ? Well, you’d be trapped with him. Either way, he knows you’ll be alright. So, he isn’t worried.

"You’ll be fine. I know it. Now, stop worrying and come have a drink with me."

Hannibal Jr.:

"You will always be a Hannibal in my eyes. No matter how old or wrinkled you get…You will always be my beloved daughter." Hannibal Jr. told you when you shared your fears with him. He stroked your cheeks and smiled. "Always."

You smiled at him and hugged him tightly. He returned your hug and whispered in your ear.

"You will always be part of this family." He then kissed your forehead. "No matter what."

Ghostface (Eddie Munson):

"…Don’t worry. We will grow old together. It will be less lonely." Ghostface told you and smiled at you. Unlike the other slashers, Ghostface can grow old. He is not exactly a slasher. It is more of a multitude of people taking the role with time. Eddie won’t be Ghostface forever. Once his mission over, he will start growing old as well until he just gives his mask to someone new.

Ghostface *scoots closer to you and wraps an arm around your shoulders* : "I bet we will be the coolest old people ever…" *smiles*

#pennywise x reader #pennywise 2017 #pennywise 1990 #vincent sinclair x reader #five hargreeves x reader #jason voorhes x reader #brahms heelshire x reader #norman bates x reader #jack torrance x reader #hannibal jr #hannibal x reader #ghostface eddie munson

[valentinedaughtler]

Tainted Opal (Part 6)

Kaz Brekker x fem!reader

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5

T/Ws: violence, romantic feelings, blood, mild spice scenes sometimes, fem!reader and she/her pronouns, sexual abuse/trauma (not explicit)

Synopsis: Your boat has been docked in Fjerda and you forgot your coat…. (But Kaz has a coat…👀)

REQUESTS: OPEN✅

____________________________________________

6 - Kaz Brekker Always Had a Reason

The ship was docked on the west coast of Fjerda, frozen plains stretches over the horizon into a snowy oblivion. The ocean was deeply frigid, an innocent plunge would send you to a numbing death.

Everyone, except prepared Matthias, was painfully underdressed. Jesper reminded us all frequently through whiney griping. We teased him about it, saying his fancy hats would not even be able to warm him up. My social circle included all the Crows, but I lingered longer around Inej and Nina. We all seemed to feel a feminine connection to one another; an easy group to complain about the boys' nonsense to.

As Nina and I shivered, we huddled near one another, the long trek around the Fold just beginning. Matthias held Nina close, insuring that she would be warm, despite her heartrender abilities.

Eventually, Nina moved between the cold Crows, circulating their blood into a more rapid speed to keep their temperatures up. Thus, I was left with the massive Fjerdan man. I'd seduced many men, but only a few looked like they could snap me in half like a twig for a fire like he did.

"Do you miss Fjerda?" I asked with an inquisitive tilt of the head. Matthias's face contorted slightly, his jaw shifting and eyebrows stitching together. He stayed silent for a moment before sighing,

"I do miss my people in some ways, but sometimes you find a person who changes your values...," he replied with a thick accent. It was sharp and pronounced, I had a feeling if he yelled at you it would feel like a brick to the face. I nodded as he watched Nina. "Do you miss your life before Ketterdam swallowed it up?"

"No-...," I tried to articulate how I felt about my past, but I guess I wasn't too sure. "I miss the specifics, the small details. Though, when I think about the big picture, I don't miss any of it." I let out a shivered breath before speaking again, "I don't want to think back fondly on what my life had been, trying to write an edited version with only the good plot points. It's easier to not think about it at all, no story is better than a bad one, don't you think?" I craned my neck to look at Matthias's eyes, they looked harsh and painful, but maybe they were pained instead.

"I think you should just keep writing the story," he acknowledged my thought with a nod. "Maybe find new characters to add to it rather than making it a one-man narration." I laughed softly, an unexpected response from him.

"Nina seems to be a good influence on you," smirking at him with a knowing glint in my eye. He really loves her, I thought as I made my way to the heartrender herself. "Nina!" I waddled my way across the tundra to her and Kaz. She seemed a bit exasperated as the dark haired boy begrudgingly allowed her to use her small science on him.

"Y/n, can you tell him that I will not be stopping his heartbeat?" She huffed as Kaz squirmed away from her slightly.

"That's enough," he said, but I heard his teeth chatter a bit through that gravely voice. I laughed, asking Nina to warm me up instead. She excitedly obliged, leaving Kaz to sulk in peace.

She began to chuckle to herself as she contorted her soft fingers to work her 'majik'.

"What is it?" I inquired with growing curiosity. She turned to me with a suggestive smile and a wink.

"Kaz was watching you, earlier, when you were taking to Matthias." Her grin widened, showing her pearly, white teeth. My cheeks burned when the meaning behind her words clicked in my brain. She continued, "I may have called him out on such. He got real defense," she dragged out her words with a mischievous glint in her eyes.

"He's always defensive. He's basically a human defense system; a wall." I said, attempting to use logic. He barely knew me, unless we had met somewhere before, Kaz wouldn't trust me this early on, I knew that much.

"Well, yes, but you did pay upfront, he doesn't really need you alive, so..." Nina batted her eyelashes at me, mimicking a lovestruck girl. I flushed as I looked back at Kaz, limping a few feet behind us, when he met my gaze I spun back around, tensing up. Nina leaned close to my ear, "you're blushing... and I can tell your heartbeat has fluctuated frequently when he is near you-"

"Okayy, thank you, my darling, Nina, but I should really be going-,"

"You should be discussing plans with me since we are getting closer to the main path," rasped Kaz from behind me. I stifled a startled scream. Geez, what's with me? I'm never actually flustered around people and I've... been in intimate situations during heists many a time. Nina flashed me a smile and a wink before leaving Kaz and I alone. I sighed with relief as I know her torment would be at bay, for now.

"When we get to the trail's end, we should find shelter for the night, there are abandoned cabins all over Fjerda. That's what my dad told me, atleast," my voice was still a bit shakey as I tried to slow my heart rate down. Kaz nodded.

"It's the safest gamble to set up camp at the first cabin we see that doesn't have occupants in it," his tone was somehow more formal than it generally was, his body seemed tense. Had he heard what Nina had said? I looked at the cheery woman far up ahead, her bubbly laugh echoing across the frozen wasteland we trekked.

I walked with Kaz in silence, maintaining a couple feet of distance between us, I wasn't sure why, but I felt that if I touched him that he might snap. Whether that indicated him imploding or killing me, I wasn't sure. But I respected his need for space. I felt like I yearned to be alone often, since intimate touch was an important part of my job. It often wasn't by people I wanted to touch me too. Maybe it bothered me because I was so young, but no one in Ketterdam stayed young. Instead of a slow climb to adulthood, it was a drowning process. Before, you were something, but after you plunged up for air, you weren't much anymore.

A gust of wind blew hair into my face and sent a shiver throughout my body, like hitting a metal drum and watching it vibrate. Kaz seemed to suppress the chill he felt, huffing slightly as the wind blew towards us.

"Why didn't you bring a jacket?" Kaz grumbled, his glare colder than the snow melting in my boots. "Your chattering teeth is starting to irritate me."

"I originally thought we'd be headed through Shu Han," I said through long breaths. I suddenly felt a thick jacket be placed.., no, more so dropped onto my shoulders. I turned to the Crow beside me, who refused to meet my gaze. With a breathy laugh, I slipped my arms into the jacket. It was soft and warm, but oversized on me. I dug my chilly hands into the lined pockets. "Thank you."

Kaz stayed silent, but I could tell he was cold in only his shirt and vest. "We need you in good health. The Crows, especially Matthias, need your tailoring skills to disguise us. I assume your business partner also knows of me, so that would be a problem." He explained, as if justifying his decision to himself.

We eventually reached a fork in the road, both paths leading to long, winding expanses of lifeless tundra. I indicated the correct road, but as we made our way, we saw a small shack.

The skeleton of the building was stacked logs and eroded wood was sparsticslly laying in chunks near the house. The inside had creaky wooden floors, a small kitchen area and bed rested on opposing sides. Fur hanging from the walls, for decor and warmth probably, a small fire place, and a couch were the only other things of note in the barren room.

"Oh, it reminds me of how Matthias and I had spent our first night together," Nina purred with a silly smile.

"Wylan and I are too fancy to sleep on the floor," Jesper said while sprawling out on the make-shift mattress. No one objected, but Matthias and Nina called the couch. Us single three left mutually decided we were on our own for sleeping areas.

"There's enough fur for the rest of us to just sleep on the floor separately," Inej pointed out, "but I'm okay sharing with Y/n if there is a shortage of blankets." She smiled at me and squeezed my hand. I returned her sentiment by promising to braid her hair later.

Jesper's eyes wandered around the room in observation, eventually landing on jacket-less Kaz and my body that was swallowed by said-jacket. His lips crooked into a sly grin.

"Nice jacket, Y/n," Jesper said and his eyes landed on the coat's owner, who froze.

"I'm going to collect firewood," Kaz grumbled and made his way outside the cabin quite quickly.

"I'll be right with ya', boss!" Jesper shot up from the bed and jogged after Kaz, his giggling and teasing still audible.

"Should we leave them alone in the woods?" Nina asked, "Kaz may kill the poor boy." Everyone laughed a bit, knowing looks shared between everyone besides me. I've been too casual, I've grown too close to them. Maybe... I should stay away from Kaz a bit since we aren't trapped on a boat together any longer.

✵ ♣ ✵

"He gave you his jacket?" Inej repeated the words I just spewed out nervously. I nodded in response as she turned to look at me with shock.

We sat together on the roof, which was very difficult for for me to get up to after Inej did so with grace. Stealth was not my thing. She sat in front of my crossed legs, leaning on me slightly, as I braided her hair ornately. The repetitive motions soothed me as I felt the pressure of the coming heist. "The last couple nights on the boat we've both gotten nightmares from too much time on the sea," I explained. "We've been talking from late to early, until the sunrises, or just sitting in silence."

Inej giggled a bit, I felt her shake against me as the laugh vibrated through her. "He doesn't grow fond of people quickly, I can't be sure, but I want you to stay with us after the heist," Inej said softly.

I hummed in response, "we'll see. Even if we part ways, I'll stay in touch with you and Nina." I couldn't see her face, but I could tell Inej was smiling.

We both looked down to see a babbling Jesper walking next to an exhausted looking Kaz. Inej turned to me as I had just finished braiding her long hair. Her lips were crooked into a michevious grin.

"Let's scare them," she whispered softly. I was pretty sure Kaz would have seen us by now, knowing how observant he is, but the idea was too tempting. We slid behind the slant of the roof and Inej silently leaped to a nearby tree, her wire-y figure wrapping around the limbs on it, gripping the bark. She chucked a pinecone at Jesper, knocking the eccentric hat off of his head. He squeaked as he attempted to get the snow off of his hat. Inej disappeared behind the tree as the two boys looked up at the direction the pinecone came from. As I aimed to hit Kaz with a pinecone, I slipped slightly. His keen eyes landed on the roof, but not before I hid myself from his line of vision.

"Shit. Shit. Shit." I whispered, still wearing Kaz's coat. I stayed silent for a moment before hearing the crunching of boots in the snow. I quickly hurled the pinecone at Kaz's head, but he swung his cane, hitting the pinecone perfectly. He didn't even look up. Before I realized it, the pinecone was headed straight for me. He was aiming for me. I dodged it, but in the process my grip on the roof loosened, causing me to slide down the roof towards Jesper and Kaz. They looked up at the roof, and the sharpshooter leaped to catch me. I fell into his arms with a thud.

I smiled nervously, "hey guys..." Inej shimmied down the tree and quickly came to check on me. Jesper let me down, laughing the whole time, but Kaz had an indescribable expression on his face.

"I told you we can't have you dead," his tone was serious, my smile dropping abruptly. "Stick to what you're good at; making your presence known, Seductress." He admonished my actions as he walked inside with firewood in one hand, cane in the other. Why am I so foolish when I'm around him?

Inej followed after him, sternly explaining it was her idea. I felt a warmth in my heart as she defended me.

"Come, Y/n, let's talk," Jesper said. He had a pelt of fur draped over him, keeping him warmer. I followed him in the frosty woods behind the cabin. He smirked a bit as we made our way around trees and fallen logs, as well as other suffering vegetation.

"Is something wrong? Do you need relationship advice for Wylan?" I asked with a twinge of concern.

"Oh, no, no. It's about Kaz," his self-assured demeanor stayed strong as I attempted to keep pace with his long-limbed figure. "He's taken an unusual liking to you." He gestured to coat I was wearing.

"He was just being polite," I said, but even I had a hard time saying it without becoming skeptical.

Jesper snorted and shook his head, "Kaz isn't nice to for no reason, Y/n. Despite was people say, Kaz Brekker always has a reason."

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Word Count: 2344

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I realize this seems more like a fast paced romance, but don't worry, the girl falls first in this story. We'll get there...

-Valentine

#fanfic #inej ghafa #jesper fahey #kaz brekker #kaz brekker x reader #kaz brekker x y/n #kaz brekker x you #nina zenik #shadow and bone #six of crows #soc #grishaverse #matthias helvar #fjerda #wylan van eck #fem!reader #fem reader

[butterflydm]

wot reread: a memory of light (chapters 24-31)

spoilers for a memory of light, the final book.

Everything that Tuon thinks about her life really does sound like it's going to make Mat so miserable. All the obligatory pomp and circumstance, even in private (because you're never in private when you have slaves!). But, hey, he'll get rewarded with sex every time he saves Tuon's life, so who needs happiness? (/sarcasm)

Given how many truths about the Seanchan have been withheld from Mat in order to get him to this point, I wonder how many of those truths it would take for him to abandon ship?

Note: I am going to be questioning and interrogating Mat's actions, words, and behaviors a LOT going forward and not taking much at face value. And that kinda extends to people talking about him: what do they know and believe about him, etc? Whose PoV are we in when certain things are said or revealed, etc? This is mostly for two reasons: a. I am sussing out how much wiggle room there is for writing fic about Mat in this time period and b. I want to try to not make assumptions based on my first thoughts when I'm reading each PoV.

2. Beslan says that Mat has changed and "I don't know what to make of him any more." Beslan is all-in on the slavers now, which makes him a very great disappointment to me. I guess we can't be that surprised. He enabled his mom being a serial rapist, so I guess it shouldn't be a shock that he's willing to enable slavery as well. What Beslan says about Mat is... hmm. How well did Beslan ever know Mat, I guess is the question that immediately springs to mind. Beslan was the son of Mat's rapist, who allowed that his mom was maybe going too far with Mat but still was basically a momma's boy despite the rape. And the last time Mat saw Beslan, he was a revolutionary who was willing to stand up against the Seanchan even when his mother was not, so I suspect that he would also not be certain what to make of you, Beslan. Honestly, given that Beslan's last experience of Mat was "wants to escape Ebou Dar no matter what", the most surprising thing for him should be that Mat voluntarily returned to Ebou Dar.

But everything that Tuon thinks here about how Beslan and the Altaran people have been "properly tamed" does give me that gross feeling that she (and many of the Darkfriends in the series) gives me in her PoV chapters. If Mat could actually see her thought processes, all his fantasies about how she's Not Like the Other Seanchan would go up in smoke.

3. Selucia slightly shades Tuon on how she hasn't broken Mat to fully proper behavior yet (he's cursing at some news they've received) and Tuon immediately decides that she needs a new Truthspeaker so that Selucia can go back to being only her Voice (and not speak any opinions that aren't exactly your own, Tuon?).

An Empress must be "crafty", "strong", and "skilled" to sit on the Crystal Throne, Tuon thinks.

Ah, I guess that's why she died pretty quickly in Aviendha's alternate future. Tuon doesn't have any of those qualities. It is interesting to think about how Tuon pumps herself here up with an impossible goal: that she be strong enough to live forever (as the Empress is meant to do and yet how every single Empress has failed to do) so that she can bring 'order' to the world. Just as Fortuona is not living up to the fictional Tuon in Mat's head, she can't possibly live up to the Empress that she believes that she needs to be.

There really are hints, here and there, of the interesting character that Tuon could have been. She just needed so much more character work. I do think she's been more interesting under Sanderson so far, though, at least than she was in CoT & KoD.

4. At this moment in time, Tuon is regretting her marriage. Mat's fancy Seanchan uniform keeps snagging on everything that he passes and her other generals find him baffling. She married "chaos itself". This feels like another place where we're being told one thing and shown another. What has Mat actually DONE that is chaotic to Tuon's plans? He saved her life and advised that she not be stupid enough to actively try to sabotage Rand saving the world, but he didn't challenge her on anything or fight her on anything.

This really does show the all-or-nothing attitude of the Seanchan: Mat has bent so much to accommodate Tuon that he's practically unrecognizable to who he used to be but that's still not enough for her. Nothing but complete and eternal submission is enough for her. He can do everything she asks but if he doesn't have the right attitude about it, then she's still unhappy with him.

5. Oh, "the Prince of Ravens" thinks that they're joining the battle too late? MAYBE he shouldn't have deserted on the eve of the fucking Last Battle then? Sanderson suddenly inserting a feeling of urgency in Mat about getting to the Last Battle feels so ridiculous. Mat didn't give a shit about the Last Battle a couple of chapters ago. He ran away so that he could have some drinks in slaver town. The Last Battle has been happening for at least a week at this point.

Mat being someone who is creating urgency and rushing would make so much more sense if he'd gone to the Seanchan as a negotiator and not as a deserter.

We do get confirmation here that Mat is now the second-highest ranking member of the High Blood, after Tuon herself. And the mere fact that Tuon thinks here that he would "never be a rival" makes me feel like narrative irony would have insisted on him being the one who topples her from her throne.

6. This is when Tuon renames Mat as "bringer of destruction" (aka Knotai aka I am not using that name in this reread ever again). Mat deciding that he likes being dubbed a "bringer of destruction" is another thing that feels bizarrely out of character but I will note that this is all in Tuon PoV, so we don't know how Mat actually feels about the name (I'm pretty sure he doesn't start calling himself that in his head at any point). And we've seen that Tuon has a very difficult time reading Mat, so if he was giving off any tells that he was lying, she would certainly never pick up on it. She glares at him after the renaming and wills him not to argue with it, so his response might be Mat picking up on her cues and responding.

"The Pattern had placed [Mat] before her, had shoved him into her arms." It sure fucking did and it was so incredibly annoying to read.

Tuon also does (internally) note here that Rand was 100% correct about how fragile her rule here is.

Haha, after Selucia uses their handtalk to call Tuon out on the risks she's taking, Tuon thinks again that she needs to replace Selucia as a Truthspeaker so that Selucia can go back to being a good little parrot and stop having opinions (this is a mild paraphrase of her thoughts).

7. Ah, this moment is in Tuon's PoV but it actually does still manage to be pretty clear exactly how much she is disappointing Mat when she considers the idea of going back on her word and swooping down on the Aes Sedai to capture them all as damane rather than going to aid them as allies. That's the moment of Actual Fortuona failing to live up to the Fictional Tuon in Mat's head that I was remembering. Back during either TGS or ToM, Mat realizes that it was likely that Tuon didn't stay in CoT & KoD because she was being honorable and keeping her word but instead was staying because of the prophecy about him she'd gotten, but he kinda just ignored the implications of that realization.

The mere fact that Tuon considers the idea of breaking her word here would remind Mat that her word is meaningless (and Mat has developed, as we have established, a fey-like obsession with keeping his word). It is interesting how Tuon thinks of herself as the embodiment of order and yet so easily considers throwing away a treaty and going back on her word; yet she considers Mat the embodiment of chaos when he does his best to always live by his word no matter what the personal cost. Mat probably would push it away again here (she does make the right choice when it comes down to it) but it's another place where Actual Fortuona would be a disappointment when compared to Fictional Tuon in Mat's head.

Ultimately, when Tuon decides to keep her word, it isn't out of honor but due to the omens telling her to bet on Mat.

I will note at this point in time that Mat is still being informal and using "Tuon" freely.

8. We get a glimpse of how pressed things are on Lan's part of the battlefield before shifting over to Elayne's. Birgitte tries to keep Elayne in the command tent and Elayne finally snaps, telling her that if Birgitte can't follow her orders like all the other soldiers are willing to do, then she will release their bond. I'm sure Elayne gets hate for this, because she gets hate for everything, but I found it very cathartic after how much Birgitte has been getting on my nerves in this book. And Elayne's right that she's more useful out there doing things -- she is an extremely powerful channeler. It is a waste of her talents for her to sit in a tent.

9. Hmm, yeah, as Rand enters Shayol Ghul itself, he notes that time is affecting him differently. He can tell that one of the women that he's bonded to is in pain but he can't tell who it is and he worries over Elayne and Aviendha.

Though the knife worked to shield Rand from the Dark One's eyes, Moridin is still waiting for him there. I wonder how long he's just been kneeling there. So, yeah, before Rand can get to the Dark One, he has to take care of Moridin.

Anyway, we learned in Siuan's PoV just before this that Min was sent to the Aes Sedai camp with the message "The Seanchan fight the Shadow." You know, I like that message because it doesn't overpromise anything and it doesn't set up expectations that the Seanchan won't be absolute douchebags, as they certainly will be.

10. Luc Mantear and Isam Mandragoran's story as Slayer really could have been heartbreaking and fascinating if Jordan had ever actually leaned into the implications of it. They're both essentially collateral damage -- Isam was left behind when the Blight swallowed up Malkier; Luc was sent off into the Blight to 'seek glory' in order to help wedge an opening for the Mantears to be pushed off the throne of Andor. But the books never explore that.

As it is, Slayer is just... this disconnected assassin who shows up once in a blue moon, and there's not really any substance there to hook onto.

After a... really long battle involving Slayer and the red-veiled Aiel channelers, Perrin fails to kill Slayer and Slayer ends up escaping. Lanfear shows up to heal Perrin and she continues to seem vaguely irritated that she's interacting with him ("You can be such a child"). He sets the dreamspike up inside the cavern to protect Rand and asks the wolves to guard the outside of the cavern (this is all in TAR).

11. Egwene feels so gross as she heads towards the meeting that she is about to have with the Seanchan, because she knows that the Seanchan fighting means damane fighting, which means forcing slaves into battle.

Tuon sits on her mobile throne, with a train being held by eight slaves in transparent robes. Literally every time Tuon's lifestyle is described, it just sounds like something that is going to make Mat so incredibly miserable.

lol, the narrative tries to convince us that Tuon is "calculating" and "discerning" through Egwene's description of her eyes. I've been in the girl's head. I'll grant you "manipulative" and "can spot an obvious clue when it's shoved under her nose" but that's as far as I'll go. Egwene, you were absolutely right when you assumed that Tuon would be coddled and spoiled. I speak as someone who was forced through two long books of "a brat goes on a circus tour and throws several tantrums".

12. Anyway, both Egwene and Tuon feel contempt for each other -- Tuon for what Egwene inherently is as a person (a channeler) and Egwene for the person that Tuon chooses to be (a slaver).

Which we can see in the way they talk to each other -- Tuon calls Egwene an animal, while Egwene calls Tuon a criminal who would be at home with murderers and rapists. Tuon sees what Egwene is as the problem with her, while Egwene sees who Tuon is as the issue with her. These are not the same as each other.

13. So here on page 471 (hardback version), Mat has finally shown up to the Last Battle. Over halfway into the book! Literally makes me want to stab a wall that Mat spent half the book just fucking around with slavers instead of helping with the Last Battle. I assume we're supposed to feel like the Seanchan coming to help would be impossible without Mat, because he shamed Tuon into actually keeping her word, but there were better roads of getting Mat there that didn't make him a deserter and a defector. But I'm guessing making Mat those things was the point of his impossible teleportation logistics between books.

Just. Ugh.

14. The reason that Egwene realizes that Mat is here, among the collection of "frozen Blood in various poses" around Tuon, is because Tuon turns to berate him for not telling her that Egwene was once captured as damane and thus making her show her ass in public when she tried to argue that Egwene would understand how great being a slave is if only she'd tried it.

The question I have here is: are we supposed to believe Mat when he claims that he only didn't tell Tuon about Egwene having been captured as damane because he 'didn't think on it too long' that Egwene's captivity had happened. It's in Egwene's PoV so we are, once again, not in Mat's head. The main good quality that Mat has been able to hold onto when he's been around the Seanchan has been keeping his friends' secrets. tbh it seems more likely to me that he just didn't think it was Tuon's business (it would have been a pretty big betrayal of Egwene's privacy for him to confide that in Tuon, imo?). But, yeah, Tuon explicitly says here that she is going to have a "not pleasant" conversation with Mat about him holding back information on her. And it pretty clearly comes across as a threat.

Yikes.

15. Egwene does seem to believe here that Tuon has made a grave mistake by marrying Mat... but it's explicitly because Mat is ta'veren and Tuon has trapped herself into his web. And it amuses her because she assumes it can't mean anything good for Tuon or the Seanchan in the long term. (I mean, given that Mat has gotten hundreds of thousands of people killed on the Westlands side... yeah, it does seem like a lot of dead Seanchan are in the future on Tuon's side, and Mat might never even realize he was the enabling factor). So this is the one time that I'll allow for a character to be amused that Mat has married a slaver -- Egwene clearly sees this as Tuon having screwed herself over in the future without realizing it.

Though Mat does throw out a "may she live forever" (eyeroll), he is also still calling her 'Tuon', despite the threat of execution. And note that Mat is still of the opinion that "being ta'veren has never gotten me much" so he doesn't seem particularly happy about being married.

16. Yeah, Tuon also makes it very clear that the new clothes and the new name are deliberate attempts to separate Mat away from his past connections and make it clear that Tuon owns him now. "He serves the Seanchan, the Crystal Throne, and the Empress."

She is isolating him from his previous friends and making it clear that he belongs to her. Egwene is 100% right in her instincts that he needs to be saved from Tuon, even if Mat himself doesn't realize it (or, potentially, does realize it but isn't willing to admit to it).

17. So Egwene has to renegotiate with Tuon because now that Rand is gone, Tuon is forcing everyone to start from page one with her again, because she is a coddled and spoiled brat who wants to eke out more concessions if she can get them.

But the results of Tuon attempting to re-negotiate with Egwene now that Rand is off on his mission actually ends up backfiring on Tuon overall, I think! -- Egwene gets Tuon to agree to leave Tremalking alone (because they haven't found a compliant Sea Folk leader along the lines of Beslan to lend them legitimacy) and Egwene makes a spirited attempt to get Tuon to agree to allow women who have just been discovered but not yet collared the opportunity to choose to go the White Tower instead, leaning on Tuon's stated belief that marath'damane want to be slaves so it's no big deal to offer them the option of freedom.

But Tuon does balk at this idea, unfortunately, because she gets scared when Egwene mentions that all sul'dam are marath'damane.

18. Egwene, because she actually is discerning and calculating, picked up on what Tuon said about having trained damane herself and says, in front of the Blood, that as a sul'dam, Tuon is capable of channeling. Which Tuon already knows -- she learned this in KoD -- but she calls Egwene a liar because living in denial is the only way she can keep her power base and nothing matters more to Tuon than sucking up all the power in the world. It really does suck so much that we came up to the brink of Something Actually Happening with the Seanchan storyline and then backed away like cowards. There will never be any outriggers! Pull off the damn bandaid while the books are still running!

We don't get any mention of the Blood or the various damane & sul'dam who are around reacting to this bit of information either, but they do hear Egwene call ~their Empress~ out on being a liar, and call their Empire out on being a machine of cruelty that tortures women into fates worse than death. Will that matter? Who the fuck knows. Maybe one or two of the Blood here will feel a pang of conscience, as Leilwin née Egeanin did, and begin the slow and painful process of changing. Or maybe not.

And it is satisfying to get to see someone calling Tuon out on what a hypocrite she is -- she's all for preaching that other people should get put into the collar because they're just ~meant~ to be slaves but of course she wouldn't do it to herself. Of course she wouldn't. The idea terrifies her to death, I'm sure. Which also shows how deeply in denial she is when she claims that marath'damane just naturally want to be collared and anything other than that is a weird outlier. She knows damn well that it isn't true, because she doesn't long for the collar herself. But if she stuffs her fingers in her ears and just shouts that she's not marath'damane loudly enough, she can make herself believe it.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that Tuon did not go into this conversation looking to be publicly accused of being marath'damane herself, especially not in front of a crowd of Blood, so I feel like this one was a win for Egwene.

19. When things get to be really heated between Egwene & Tuon, with Egwene embracing the Power, Mat intercedes. What Mat says here is gross and demeaning; and I think we can all agree on that (a threat to take them over "over his knee" as if that would even be possible in this situation), but Egwene doesn't take it seriously for a second because she can see that Mat is trying to deflect her and Tuon away from each other and onto him (also frustrating though, because I really wanted something to Actually Happen with Tuon).

Also, we get a reminder that Tuon is a big ol' liar about not being jealous over Mat and other women, because she stares at where Mat's hand is touching Egwene's chest until he lowers his hand.

It also leads to another threat from Tuon about how she and Mat will have "many words" tonight, but they do both back down. But, wow, Tuon is so jealous over Egwene here, which is hilarious from the perspective of actually knowing anything about Egwene and Mat's friendship.

(sadly, I must take away Egwene's right to be amused at Mat's marriage at this point in the conversation, when she bizarrely attempts to commiserate ??? with Tuon over Mat's foul language)

Also, I will note that Egwene offers to help free him from the Seanchan, Mat doesn't tell her that he doesn't need to be freed, he tells her that he can handle it on his own. Slightly different things. Do you have an exit strategy, Mat?

Egwene is still determined to help Mat get free of the Seanchan somehow. AU idea where she does!

So, Mat leaves with Tuon and we know that she plans to have a 'not pleasant' conversation with him. So I will mark that in my notes to keep in mind the next time we see Mat.

20. As we've been going through the various battlefields, the 'great captains' have continued to make bone-headed mistakes. As we return to Elayne, it seems like this is coming to a head, as Tam confronts Bashere.

(and, no, she doesn't think about how Tam is Rand's dad and will be her kid's grandfather. Why would she, apparently?)

Tam accuses Bashere of not using scouts and falsifying scouting reports instead, saying that Bashere is to blame for the bad tactics that have happened in the recent battles. After considering how badly they've been trapped by the Shadowspawn, Elayne orders Bashere relieved from duty and has Talmanes take him away with the Band's Redarms.

And now Elayne is the one leading the army here, not Bashere.

21. Bryne gets one right for calling Tuon "that Imperial monster of a Seanchan leader". I have to admit, so far, there is less of the "let's hold hands with the Seanchan" vibe that I remembered and more "ugh, fuck, I guess we gotta hold our noses and deal with the Seanchan" vibe, at least in most chapters. It's really Mat's bizarro-world PoVs that tend to throw everything else off, and Mat has been kept ignorant of the Seanchan's recent actions under Tuon's guidance.

Bryne actually made Min do some real work by having her clerk for one of his people! Okay, Bryne has two rights. This is the first time Min has done any real work in what feels like forever. Being away from Rand is already doing her some good. But now the tent she was working in has been destroyed, so he puts her to work as a messenger (Min actually volunteers, which is definitely better than how she behaved when she was with Rand).

I kinda feel like my own opinion of the romances in WoT does hinge pretty strongly on "do they become less interesting characters when they are spending time with [love interest]?" but also on "what else do they have going on besides being [main character]'s love interest?".

ex. I liked Min best in TSR and once she starts really one-note obsessing over Rand in TFoH and onward, my interest in her nosedives because it feels like she has zero interests or drives outside of Rand. Get a hobby, Min! One that isn't about Rand (so the interest in 'philosophy' doesn't count). There's this incredibly depressing scene in, I think it was TFOH but it might have been the very start of LoC, where Elayne wants to talk to Min about something other than Rand and Min is just completely incapable of turning off the Rand-obsession long enough to think of a single good thing that doesn't revolve around Rand-Rand-Rand (the scene was not meant to be depressing but it definitely made me go 'yikes, Min, please get literally anything in your life that isn't about Rand').

22. So Min is off to the "Seanchan Empress" to tell her to send cavalry to the battlefield. Because Tuon is currently doing her best to hold back as many of her forces as she can and is negotiating them out piece-meal.

When she arrives at the Seanchan camp, Min notes how many forces are just lazing around doing nothing when they could be helping in the Last Battle. Min thinks for a moment that she wishes that she could have gone with Rand to Shayol Ghul but she has finally realized that she's only a liability to him in situations like that. Finally. I do note that apparently Rand had to 'forbid' her from going, though, so if he'd let her, she would have happily been a liability to him.

Anyway, Min was told by Rand to keep an eye on Fortuona, so I'll keep that in mind.

23. "Speak what criticism one would about the Seanchan -- and Min had a number of things she could add to that conversation -- they certainly were organized."

I really wish that Sanderson actually let Min think some of her specific criticisms about the Seanchan here rather than the narration veiling it. Because the way this is written ends up praising without critique, because the criticism remains politely unvoiced. One must always be polite about the slavers who want to dehumanize your friends and your lover, I guess.

Min was in Falme with Egwene! She actually saw Egwene being punished! She was even blamed for some of Egwene's punishments (which were all Renna's fault, of course, and not Min's) and she listened to Egwene scream and cry out in agony.

Let Min actually remember some of that in the text here rather than sweeping it all under the rug! She knows that the da'covale are slaves, for example, because she was in Falme. But instead of calling them slaves, she calls them "immodestly-dressed young women". Let Min actually have a thought here about how she disapproves of slavery! Put that on the record!

And Min thinking here that the Seanchan "couldn't possibly be as prickly as the Aiel". You... you literally listened to Egwene weeping in pain while she was being tortured for such crimes as "wanting to keep her own name" and "not wanting to be a slave" and "letting her friend visit her". wtf, Min.

24. Min has never seen Mat's hat before, but she thinks here that he has topped his new silken Seanchan outfit with his "familiar hat". I really do wonder if there was a draft of AMoL where Mat was in Merrilor, because then Min and Mat would have had a chance to meet back when Mat was in his old clothes and it would make sense for her to recognize his hat here. Because as it is, that's literally a nonsense thing for Min to think. The last time she saw Mat was at the end of book 2. Mat got his hat during book 4.

Min and Mat reunite like old buddies. They barely know each other. Let's tot up the times that they've met:

off-the-page in-between TGH and TDR, while Mat was dying from the dagger, in the handful of days that Mat was there before Verin took him & Elayne, Egwene, & Nynaeve off to the White Tower

That's it. That's the only entry. Mat didn't meet her in Baerlon -- Rand told him about her afterward. Apart from that, their only possible knowledge of each other comes from what Rand might have passed along. It is genuinely bizarre that they are behaving like old friends. They met once, almost two years ago, when one of them was dying. Mat has seen her having sex with Rand from time to time in his color swirl visions, but Min doesn't have access to that. They missed seeing each other in Caemlyn by four days, because Rand sends Mat off to Salidar before Min shows up with the embassy. They are the next best thing to complete strangers to each other, except that Mat has unintentionally seen Min naked several times.

It's Min and Perrin who have a friendship. It's funny, how Sanderson buffed up Perrin's friendships with Rand & Mat, but erased Perrin's friendship with Min. Perrin and Min, per canon, spent a lot of time talking to each other in between TGH & TDR (more time than either of them spent with Rand, who spent most of his time either brooding alone or arguing with Moiraine).

This is definitely "writing to the epilogue" convenience. But it could have made sense if Mat and Min had met back in the early chapters of the book while Mat was in Merrilor after he'd returned with Moiraine & Thom.

25. Mat tries to press Min for any new viewings about him. That's... interesting. Someone wants a new fate? I'm feeling curious about how Mat and Tuon's 'not pleasant' conversation went. Min deflects the conversation to viewings about the Seanchan general and I really don't care. Except to note that, sadly, Galgan probably won't try to kill Tuon because Mat is now the next one in the line of succession.

26. Why in the world would Min bow to Tuon? Seriously, girl, wtf. This is what I mean about how the narrative itself feels like it tiptoes around Tuon. Why would Min care so much about respecting Seanchan titles and nobility? She thinks here that she doesn't care about any other nobility but somehow the word 'Empress' triggers the worship reflex in her hindbrain or something? wtf. "It was only proper to show respect to Fortuona". Literally why? Why is the emphasis in Min's chapter about being polite to the slavers? Why is that the overriding vibe of this section -- Min's desire to make a good impression on the slavers? She didn't try this hard (or at all) with the Aiel. It's things like this that make me feel like Tuon must be ta'veren, because that feels like a thought that Tuon just plopped into Min's brain without permission.

Also, after Tuon enters literally just as Mat has mentioned her to Min, Mat then quotes "Say the name of Darkness, and his eye is upon you". Um. Yeah. So I feel like that 'not pleasant' conversation didn't go very well. (*whispers* he just compared his wife to the Dark One */whispers*).

He is also still using "Tuon" in casual conversation. And he doesn't get down on the floor, even though everyone else (including Min, for whatever reason) does.

27. And Mat is straight-up baiting Tuon in this conversation, or at least it feels that way (and using Min as a weapon while he does it). Yeah, I get the feeling that 'not pleasant' conversation went extremely poorly (was telling Tuon that Min is "the Dragon Reborn's woman" his way of trying to protect her from being poached by Tuon but Min didn't pick up on it? or was it his way of assuaging Tuon's raging jealousy issues by letting her know that Min is 'taken' and Mat doesn't plan on screwing her?)

I almost wonder if he's testing Tuon here -- seeing if her threats have any teeth? She told him that she could have him killed if he kept using the name 'Tuon' and he has not stopped, not even after the 'not pleasant' conversation. Kinda interesting that Mat seems considerably more combative with Tuon after their 'not pleasant' private discussion than he ever has been before. Wish we'd gotten to see that conversation (important moments, etc.).

Mat warns Min that Tuon snatches people up and doesn't let them go -- Min here thinks that Mat sounds "almost proud" but tbh I don't give Min much credit for her insight into people so I will take that with a grain of salt -- and yet Min (who can never resist blabbing about her viewings to everyone in sight) immediately spills about a viewing that someone is going to try to kill Tuon.

Literally why in the world would she bother to say anything? Why would she do this to herself? Rand said nothing about going out of her way to save the head slaver's life.

Min does have the habit of being swept up by people who have stronger personalities than she does -- Moiraine, then Siuan, then Rand, then Cadsuane, and now Tuon, I guess.

I do have to crack up at Min lying to herself and saying that she hasn't accidentally blabbed a viewing in years. Even if she doesn't remember blabbing Elayne's pregnancy to the entire royal palace of Caemlyn, she sleepily blabbed out Melaine's pregnancy without thinking about it too and we know she remembers that one because it was the whole basis for why the Wise Ones treated her as an ~honorary Wise One~ for, like, two books.

If Min didn't already have an established habit of constantly talking about her viewings, I would chalk this up to Tuon being ta'veren as well but... she does.

28. Tuon just goes up and touches Min's face without permission. Probably thinking about checking her teeth. Anyway, she pronounces Min a 'Doomseer' and Min has just screwed herself for the foreseeable future.

Tuon views Min as a "gift" that Mat has given her to "pay your penance" (presumably for not volunteering information about Egwene) so... yeah, that gives us some insight into the 'not pleasant' conversation. I wonder if Mat will think back to it at all in the next PoV we get from him. Probably not. I feel like I would remember that.

Tuon names Min as her new Truthspeaker, probably thrilled that she can now shove Selucia back into the box of not having any opinions that Tuon hasn't told her to have. Her emotional support slave was having too many independent thoughts and we can't have that.

Anyway, Min's viewings never really helped Rand, so she probably won't actually help Tuon much either, so I guess that's a relief.

But, yeah, not a fun situation for Min. Though I guess Mat now has company in his hellhole of a prison, so there's that.

...okay, now I've got "Two Lost Souls" from Damn Yankees in my head.

29. Just as Tam picked up on how Bashere's 'tactical mistakes' keep helping the Shadowspawn in the last section, Lan has picked out the same when it comes to his own 'great captain' -- two reserve forces were both sent to shore up the same hole in the lines, resulting in confusion and also the ranks being too thin in other places.

30. So, yeah, the set-up continues for Team Light to be forced to trust the General of the Slavers with the armies despite his recent horrible life choices. We note here that it has been 'weeks' for Lan now.

Lan countermands Agelmar's latest order, as he's realized how badly it would expose part of their army and compromise any potential retreat, so Lan has de facto taken over the army here, just as Elayne has over in the Cairhien/Caemlyn section of the battle.

31. Mat lets us know here Min has also been re-dressed in fancy Seanchan clothes. Apparently without any attempt to stick in her own clothes? She's an 'honored holy woman' per Tuon, so you would imagine means she has leverage to wear her own clothes if she wants. (of course, if it doesn't give her any leverage, then that would be useful information for the reader to have)

Anyway, we are back in Mat's head, for the first time since his disappointing reunion scene with Rand. We've seen him from the outside a few times since then -- in Tuon, Egwene, and finally Min's eyes.

Mat announces that he needs to go out and look at the actual battlefield. He thinks in his head that it's because the maps are "too simplistic" but I wonder if part of his motivation is taking a chance and getting some fresh air while his ~slaver bride~ is off doing "some empressly duty". I'm still curious about that 'not pleasant' conversation of 'many words' that they had after Tuon and Egwene met. He also yanks off part of his 'Seanchan uniform' here, leaving himself in his scarf, medallion, and breeches. He'd rather walk around shirtless than wear the fancy Seanchan duds, it seems.

(this life is going to make him so miserable)

32. Yeah, Min is now wearing a dress, with no apparent protest. Mat notes that she's pretty and then additionally notes that he needs to be careful with smiles around women now because his wife might stab him if he smiles too much at other women. So, yeah, I'm thinking part of the 'not pleasant' conversation was Tuon making her jealousy issues very very clear to Mat. But despite Mat's protests that hooking up with Rand means that Min is "practically his sister", his narration does make it clear that he's attracted to her.

(this life is going to make him so miserable)

"Mat had always considered Min on the boyish side" - you met her one time! During the foggy period of your memory when you were dying! The narration really is behaving like Perrin and Mat's friendships have been swapped around in this book -- Perrin is the one who has the stronger friendships with Rand and Elayne now; while Mat now has the stronger friendship with Min. Before this book, the opposite was true of all of those things. I guess we can assume that this is about Rand & Min screwing in the color swirls but Min would have been at least partly naked for a lot of those.

33. Anyway, Mat had his own clothes hidden away and changes into them now, when Tuon isn't here to protest, and then sneaks off to look at the battlefield before she can come back to berate him again. Lessons learned from his time with Tylin?

(Min does say here that she's tempted to strip off too, but she keeps wearing the Seanchan clothes for whatever reason)

We do also learn here the very important information that the Seanchan guards respond to bribes (Mat bribed them into keeping and hiding his clothes for him here). Though Mat also notes that it's only the free guards and not the slaves.

34. It's so sad here that Mat has to feel grateful that Tuon "understood that [Mat] needed" the foxhead medallion and returned it to him. He's grateful that he's allowed to use his own personal items and that she didn't permanently keep what she'd stolen from him.

(this life is going to make him so miserable)

...hmm. I'm going to keep an eye on the medallions. Because technically Mat has two right now (his original and a copy that Elayne made), but he hasn't mentioned the second one at all.

35. Sadly, going for Pips means that "unfortunately, someone had time to alert" Tuon that Mat was slipping away, and so she comes to confront him (so I was right about part of the reason behind him bailing on the command tent was trying to get away from Tuon).

Mat once again warns Min that it's very dangerous here: "they know how to treat a fellow, as long as they don't behead him. I'm still trying to figure out how to prevent that from happening."

Hmm, Mat gives Min the "sell" on staying with the Seanchan... he says that it would help Rand because she can attempt to mislead Tuon about her 'omens' to try to guide Tuon onto a less-awful path. I imagine that's how Mat is justifying his own choices too but we saw that when he actually had a chance to try to guide Tuon onto a better path, he froze and said nothing while Rand did all the negotiating. But Mat does make it clear here that he still disapproves of what the Seanchan are doing; he's just... sticking around and helping anyway for whatever reason.

But, yeah, "lie to Tuon to try to subtly direct her choices" being part of Mat's advice to Min is... illuminating, to be sure. Did Mat lie to/mislead Tuon during their recent 'not pleasant' private discussion?

36. Yeah, we see here very directly that Mat doesn't always mean what he says around Tuon, when he pretends to be happy that she's coming along with him to survey the battlefield while "groaning inside". This is what I was talking about back when I was questioning all of the other character's interpretations of Mat's behavior in the previous few chapters -- most of the characters in the books are not very good at reading Mat. Tuon has failed to accurately judge him on multiple occasions, Egwene will always at least partly see him as the troublemaker from her hometown, and Min barely knows him.

Also, Mat was expecting to be berated for changing his clothes but Tuon says nothing about it at this time. Hey, Min, maybe you should take the opportunity to change yours too?

It is good to see Mat attempting to push back on Tuon, even if it's on relatively minor things.

It really is the decision to make Mat a deserter that screwed his characterization over so hard in this book. If Mat had gone to Merrilor and then gone to Ebou Dar, pretty much everything would make more sense. There's only a couple of scenes so far that have 'needed' Mat to be a willing traitor in order to play out the way that they did (mostly just Egwene's shock at seeing him hanging out with the Seanchan) and almost everything else would make more sense if Mat had gone back to Ebou Dar as a negotiator on behalf of the Westlands.

37. On the minus side, we have some really weird stuff here where Mat dehumanizes one of the Seanchan generals for the crime of being a woman that he doesn't want to fuck. While Mat did start basically thinking about every woman that he met in terms of fuckability back around... A Crown of Swords, I want to say... he didn't act like 'not being fuckable' made women unpeople and he's kinda going that way here and it's super gross.

38. On her own front in the battlefield, Egwene sees a huge tactical blunder by Bryne that leaves one of their flanks wide-open to the enemy and vulnerable, and now she is also going to go question him, as it looked distinctly like he set up a trap that benefited the Shadowspawn. So that's all of the fronts except Ituralde (who is just outside of Shayol Ghul).

After questioning Agelmar, Lan suspects it is Compulsion that is behind his recent poor battle decisions, and Lan has him relieved from duty. Also, Tenobia conveniently gets killed on the battlefield and brings Faile one step closer to ruling Saldaea.

39. Back with Mat, Tuon, Min, and Selucia. Poor Selucia. She got half a book of being allowed to have her own opinions but now she's just Tuon's Voice/bodyguard again and gets to speak no words but Tuon's.

Min is obediently telling Tuon all her viewings and her interpretations of them, just like she always does when she's under the thumb of someone with a more forceful personality than her own. This is kinda why I feel like Mat's hope that she will lead Tuon onto better paths is likely not going to pan out -- because Min's viewings do not have a moral component, not that we're aware of, and she is spilling them all out indiscriminately.

And Tuon will likely continue to be her own horrible self, no matter what viewings Min has. But I guess we'll see how that relationship plays out.

Min has not only told Tuon all the viewings she had about Tuon but also her viewings about Mat, over Mat's protests. Min likes to claim that she doesn't do things like that, but wow, she does it all the time. It does feel like fandom doesn't really acknowledge that both Min & Perrin lie about themselves in their own heads just as much as Mat or Nynaeve do. Min believes that she's discreet about her viewings, when she's a blabbermouth most of the time, and Perrin believes that he thinks things through before he acts, when he's actually wildly reckless and impulsive pretty frequently.

40. It's interesting that Min and Mat greeted each other like old friends yet are now essentially working at cross-purposes -- Mat suggested to Min that ('for Rand') she mislead Tuon in order to craft a narrative that would make Tuon soften towards Aes Sedai (and also more minor things like "try to get her to stop wanting to get rid of my hat") but Min, like Galad, wants to be rigidly honest and is telling Tuon everything, not giving a care that she's telling Tuon other people's secrets (and we know she's telling real secrets, because she's now told Tuon all of Mat's old viewings that we know from before, against Mat's express wishes). So Min is essentially unintentionally teaching Mat that she is not an ally to him and that she will sell him out to Tuon if he confides in her. Which means that Mat is, once again, all alone in the middle of an enemy camp that he feels obligated to stay in (now matter how unhappy it makes him) Because Wife.

Mat and Tuon really is peak "enforced heterosexual monogamy" culture. They explicitly are married due not to their own desires but to external pressures (the prophecies) and feel obligated to stick it out even though, on Tuon's side, she feels like she has a wildly chaotic husband that she doesn't know how to control and, on Mat's side, everything about the situation is constantly making him miserable. I believe he thinks at one point (in some future chapter?) that he could be happy if it was just him and Tuon in a life far away from the Seanchan but... that really is him picturing himself and his Fictional Tuon character (not cold, not possessive, Not Like The Other Seanchan) rather than himself and Actual Fortuona. I'm sure Mat and his fake Tuon could find happiness running away from the throne, but fake Tuon doesn't exist so... yeah.

41. Mat is able to get "five minutes" by himself and rides down to talk to Perrin's slaver BFF Tylee. Much like Egwene had just realized, Mat learns here from Tylee that Bryne is making bad calls that are compromising his army.

*sigh*

Mat stuffs himself into Seanchan armor at this point. Well, he had a spine about wearing his own clothing for, like, five minutes. Maybe that's all we can hope for out of him these days. It is at least real 'on the field' armor rather than the ceremonial silk this time.

Also: Tuon's desire to constantly be keeping an eye on Mat vs Mat's desire to have some breathing room seems like a fight in their marriage that is going to reoccur a lot.

42. Anyway, Mat goes to personally take a unit out to relieve Bryne's soldiers because it looks like they've gotten very bad orders and he needs to correct them personally. I... don't have an issue with this apart from the whole "ugh, Seanchan" thing? Mat can see that the battle is going extremely poorly and wants to investigate from the inside because from what he can see, it looks like the general in charge is deliberately ordering bad tactics. That's not something that Mat can fix simply by sending contrary orders because he is not the main general of this battlefield. Bryne is. So Mat going out to take direct control of a specific part so that he can, essentially, undermine Bryne's bad orders before he goes to deal with the root of the issue makes sense because this is a time-sensitive situation.

Tylee tries to give Mat some damane slaves for the battle and he refuses.

Once again, like it did in Min's PoV, the narrative has yet another character praise the Seanchan's sense of organization while implying that the character has critiques about the Seanchan but not mentioning the specific issues that they have. Actually let Mat share his critiques about the Seanchan with the reader! Stop veiling the critiques behind "oh, I have some issues but I won't say what they are".

43. Mat is really really attracted to the enemy Sharan channeler. Until she tries to kill him but, yeah, he literally stops and stares at the channeler on the opposing side. Though that doesn't stop him from knocking her out with his spear when her weaves fail on him and he's able to get close.

*resigned sigh*

After this battle, Mat is now willing to throw damane slaves at the enemy.

Mat has also really really impressed the Ever Victorious Army. Something to keep in mind for post-canon 'Mat conducts a coup' thoughts. Between Egwene feeling like Tuon has accidentally gotten herself trapped in Mat's ta'veren web, Tuon's own "[Mat] would never be a rival" thoughts, how swiftly Mat is winning over the officers, and Mat's own words to Min about how she should craft a narrative to deceive Tuon into behaving the way she wants her to behave... there are some interesting puzzle pieces here for a post-canon "Mat deposes Tuon and takes over the Seanchan Empire" or "Mat tricks Tuon into thinking she's in charge while he's the real power in the Empire" storyline.

I really wish that Sanderson & Team Jordan hadn't made Mat a deserter at the start of the book; it really did start Mat off on such a bad foot, narratively-speaking, by weighting him so heavily on the side of the slavers without any kind of narrative justification for the choice (we still don't know how Mat got to Ebou Dar originally -- Sanderson really was like "okay, it makes no sense, so I'll just let readers fill in a reason that they can justify to themselves"). But even with that massive off-the-page weighting on the side of the slavers, Mat is listing back towards the Westlands side of things (as he has done time and time again). Over and over, Mat gets forcibly yanked over towards the Seanchan and then starts drifting away from them again (requiring another heavy-handed course-correction from the Authors).

44. Mat does change back into his "Two Rivers" coat here. ...wait, Mat's coat is a "Two Rivers" coat? When did that happen? When did Mat go back to the Two Rivers to get a coat? Or did he get it from Perrin's army? Anyway, he did change back into his own clothes after the battle.

Oh! Oh, this must be a coat that Elayne's person picked out for him (as per his request in ToM)! Elayne's person found him a Two Rivers coat? She really is magic. I love her.

Mat does realize here that the Sharan channeler that he captured is almost certainly going to end up damane. Should have just killed her.

45. Tuon is currently so pissed at Mat that she's only speaking to him through Selucia (now back in her role as Tuon's opinionless Voice). Mat notes this as a 'bad sign' but he also does keep calling her Tuon. Maybe he doesn't back down and start referring to her formally as she told him to do; maybe that was something that my memory was incorrect on, which would be nice.

"Your life is no longer your own," Tuon tells him through Selucia. I wonder if that's also part of the reason that Mat went out on the battlefield -- a way of declaring that his life is his own, even if that means potentially throwing it away.

Mat references Nynaeve here -- I'm not sure whether or not Tuon got Nynaeve's name in the conversation she had with Rand and Nynaeve back in TGS. I'll go check.

Yep, Rand says Nynaeve's name when she chastises him for trying to pretend that he doesn't care about Mat in front of Tuon. So Tuon knows that Mat is talking about a channeler here.

46. Yikes. Tuon 'gives' the Sharan channeler that Mat captured to him as his own personal damane slave. He tries to give her back to Tuon (also gross and yikes) but Tuon won't let him. Mat does refer to her as a channeler and not marath'damane but... ugh. But this is the continuation of Tuon's campaign to brainwash and integrate Mat into being fully-Seanchan, so her actions here are no surprise.

Mat is now given control of the Seanchan armies over Galgan, and they send Min back to Egwene to tell her that Bryne is helping the Shadow with how he's behaving with the army.

47. So things are incredibly dire and yet there have been no thoughts of "wow wish Mat were here to blow the Horn of Valere". It's so bizarre that everyone is just completely chill with a powerful artifact that is literally meant for the Last Battle to be just hanging out unusable!

Anyway, the Black Tower Asha'man show up here to relieve Elayne's people, who are sorely pressed.

Here's my thought: I think Sanderson was too much in love with the whole "on the very edge of being broken, the cavalry shows up" idea aka Gandalf coming to save the day at Minas Tirith. Not everything needs to be last second like that. If everything is dramatic then nothing is truly dramatic. In real life, you wouldn't wait until after the point of hope to blow the horn that brings a magic army to fight on your side. You would want to do it as soon as it looks like your own forces aren't going to be enough.

48. Min stayed dressed in all her Seanchan finery to go deliver her message to Egwene. Min's conversation with Egwene is so bizarrely tone-deaf on Min's side of things? She complains about being ~pampered~ by the Seanchan and that their rich food isn't to her taste and when Egwene ~reminds her~ that Egwene has 'enjoyed' Seanchan 'hospitality', Min is basically just "Oops, yeah, my bad, oh well, back to business."

Wow, Min's lack of empathy for the horrific trauma that she witnessed Egwene going through is kinda shocking.

For your consideration, Min in Falme:

When Min asks Egwene not to kill herself out of despair, Egwene tells her that she physically can't. That she can't use anything that she thinks of as a weapon.

She tells Min:

"A few weeks ago I considered hitting Renna over the head with that pitcher, and I could not pour wash water for three days. Once I'd thought of it that way, I not only had to stop thinking about hitting her with it, I had to convince myself I would never, under any circumstances, hit her with it before I could touch it again. She knew what had happened, told me what I had to do, and would not let me wash anywhere except with that pitcher and bowl. You are lucky it happened between your visiting days. Renna made sure I spent those days sweating from the time I woke to the time I fell asleep, exhausted. I am trying to fight them, but they are training me as surely as they’re training Pura.” She clapped a hand to her mouth, moaning through her teeth. “Her name is Ryma. I have to remember her name, not the name they've put on her. She's Ryma, and she's Yellow Ajah, and she has fought them as long and as hard as she could. It is no fault of hers that she hasn't the strength left to fight any longer. I wish I knew who the other sister is that Ryma mentioned. I wish I knew her name. Remember us both, Min. Ryma, of the Yellow Ajah, and Egwene al'Vere. Not Egwene the damane; Egwene al'Vere of Edmond's Field.' "

...

The door swung open, and Renna stepped in.

Egwene jumped to her feet and bowed sharply, as did Min. The tiny room was crowded for bowing, but Seanchan insisted on protocol before comfort.

"Your visiting day, is it?" Renna said. "I had forgotten. Well, there is training to be done even on visiting days."

...

Renna puts on the bracelet and senses that Egwene was channeling without permission:

"You have been channeling." Renna's voice was deceptively mild; there was a spark of anger in her eyes. "You know that is forbidden except when we are complete." Egwene wet her lips. "Perhaps I have been too lenient with you. Perhaps you believe that because you are valuable now, you will be allowed license. I think I made a mistake in letting you keep your old name. I had a kitten name Tuli when I was a child. From now on, your name is Tuli. You will go now, Min. Your visiting day with Tuli is ended."

Min hesitated only long enough for one anguished look at Egwene before leaving.

...

Then, in Min's PoV right after she leaves the room:

Outside in the low-ceilinged hallway, Min dug her nails into her palms at the first piercing cry from the room. She took a step towards the door before she could stop herself, and when she did stop, tears sprang up in her eyes. Light help me, all I can do is make it worse. Egwene, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Feeling worse than useless, she picked up her skirts and ran, and Egwene's screams pursued her. She could not make herself stay, and leaving made her feel a coward. Half blind with weeping, she found herself in the street before she knew it. She had intended to go back to her room, but now she could not do it. She could not stand the thought that Egwene was being hurt while she sat warm and safe under the next roof. Scrubbing the tears from her eyes, she swept her cloak around her shoulders and started down the street. Every time she cleared her eyes, new tears began trickling along her cheeks. She was not accustomed to weeping openly, but then she was not accustomed to feeling so helpless, so useless. She did not know where she was going, only that it had to be as far as she could reach from Egwene's cries.

Compare all that to Min right now: wearing Seanchan silks and whining about how their fanciest food isn't to her liking.

Anyway, she delivers her message from Mat, and Egwene says that she'll take it under consideration.

49. In Ituralde's PoV, we learn about the kinds of nightmares that Graendal has been putting in their heads, and the kinds of thoughts. Three separate times, Ituralde has almost given an order for his men to engage in a direct assault against the Shadowspawn but then been able to pull back again before he gave the Graendal-influenced order, so he's doing better than the other captains. I wonder if his experience in getting all those confusing messages from 'his king' (but actually Graendal) is helping him here. We see him fighting the urge to give one of those bad orders now and he's fighting it extremely hard and then Perrin shows up before he gives in and says it. And Ituralde is so relieved to give up his command because he can tell that something is wonky with his own thinking!

50. Egwene notices that Gawyn doesn't seem tired but he does seem 'strangely pale'. :-(

Thinking about Mat makes Egwene feel "strangely sick". That is such the mood when talking about post-WH Mat, yeah. We are twinsies in this feeling, Egwene. But after thinking it through and remembering the times when Mat has come through when needed, she decides that she is going to trust him, though it makes her feel like she's a fool for doing it. "Mat could be wrong. He was often wrong. But when he was right, he saved lives." and "[Mat] was a scoundrel and a fool but she trusted him. Light help her, but she did. She trusted him with her life."

Not sure Mat deserves that right now, tbh, but it's a sweet thought from Egwene.

And maybe he does.

I'm thinking about 'a ribbon that felt like a chain'. Thinking about Mat considering his father's advice for dealing with cheats during a trade. Thinking about Mat telling Min to pick and choose between her viewings to attempt to guide Tuon onto a better path. Thinking about Mat putting on a Two Rivers coat during the Last Battle.

Maybe he does.

I guess we'll see.

The ultimate factor, once Egwene realizes that Bryne was Compelled, is that she knows that Mat cannot be touched by saidar or saidin, so he is the only general they can trust not to be corrupted by the Forsaken.

#wot #wheel of time #wot reread #wot book spoilers #wot spoilers #wot amol spoilers #wot a memory of light spoilers #mat cauthon #egwene al'vere #min farshaw #seanchan content warning

[flightfoot]

ML fic Underrated Masterpieces

So there are some ML fics that are absolutely brilliant, but haven’t gotten as much attention as I think they deserve. So I’m gonna give that attention to them, and hopefully make them more well known! This isn’t limited to any particular year. BTW, in case any of the authors haven’t made the connection, I’m Keyseeker on AO3. All Multi-chap fics must have fewer than 300 kudos, and all one-shots must have fewer than 100 kudos, and they must be complete in order to count.

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Multichap-fics

The Ghost in the Machine by @jheqiawrites

As part of this function, Adrien knew about Monarch, the akuma butterflies, the victims, and, of course Ladybug and Cat Noir, the heroes of Paris. He was authorized to contact the Ladyblog as well as the citywide alert system if one of his platforms was active during an akuma manifestation, allowing his friends to get somewhere safe until Ladybug and Cat Noir could deal with the situation

While the necessity of these functions was disconcerting, it was programmed to be his routine so he gradually grew used to the inconsistencies. After all, humans tended to be selfish, highly inconsistent, and often flighty, but once you had observed them for a while an intelligence such as his could begin to see the patterns.

That is until she came online.

This fic is fantastic! I adored diving into Adrien Alliance’s thoughts, his emotions, as he slowly evolved, became more aware, and more... well, human, I guess you could say. You can easily tell he’s based on Adrien with how similar his character traits are, how he latches onto Marinette especially, and even get jealous at times. But also how he grows from that, becomes a better person, and ultimately values other people and their happiness above himself. He has some magnificent character growth that all culminates in a heart-wrenching finale!

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in case you don’t know me tomorrow by @thelibraryloser

“We live in a crazy world where pieces of our lives can be erased like they never even happened. I just wanted to memorize this moment so… so I could keep it, if that makes sense.”

Adrien's heart gave a little flutter. She wanted to keep this moment, meeting him. She wanted to keep… him.

“I understand exactly what you mean."

In a world that has created a way to selectively delete memories, no moment is truly safe. So how do you hold on to something when the memory of it is gone? And how do you keep fighting for someone when you're the only one who remembers?

Yes, I know I already recced this fic in my top ML fics of 2022 post, no, I don’t care. The fact that this hasn’t gotten more attention is a travesty. It just... it’s its own complete story and Adrien’s and Marinette’s fumbling around, trying to figure out what to do after Gabriel tears them apart, finding their way to each other despite everything... it’s amazing. 

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Stealing Freedom by @rosie-b

Adrien Agreste was a good person. Marinette knew this to be true, of course; she wouldn’t be marrying him if he were some irredeemable villain. No, her fiancé was practically the opposite of evil. He cooed over babies and kittens, literally stopped to smell the roses and always brought large bouquets of them to dates. He had trouble killing spiders and bugs, begging his partner to take on the task whenever she was around to save him. Adrien was the sweetest person Marinette knew, the most kindhearted, the most forgiving; he was almost too perfect for her sometimes.

But now, Marinette knew that the same Adrien who still blushed when his fiancée kissed him was also the well-known terror of Paris, Cat Walker.

Now, this fic really SHOULD have been in my top fics for 2022 post. I’m a sucker for enemies au and I love a good Sentiadrien fic, so combining the two of them here is great! I feel so bad for Adrien, and I love that the heroes know from early on that Cat Walker isn’t really the enemy here. It’s short, but it’s sweet.

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Strangely Familiar by @sunfoxfic

Alya Césaire’s life is perfect. Indeed, between the success of the Ladyblog, how well she’s doing in school, and the fact that she’s a superhero who has never bore the weight of a crisis of epic proportions, her life almost couldn’t be better. Almost.

But Alya has always been a go-getter, and so she’ll chase after that perfect life if it kills her. Which is how she ends up rushing to move out of her father’s apartment and in with Marinette, Adrien, and a complete stranger: Nino Lahiffe. And in fact, her life does seem perfect — she and Nino are fast friends. They spend a lot of time together and get to know each other really well.

But in the end, fortunate situations will bear unfortunate truths, and she learns things about herself that aren’t quite comfortable. Like I said, though: Alya has always been a go-getter, and she won’t let new feelings deter her from chasing after her perfect life.

This one is still criminally underrated, which I’m guessing is because it’s DJWifi-centric. It’s really worth checking out though, it really fleshes Alya and Nino out, and there are even some Lovesquare-esque shenanigans going on, since they don’t know each other’s identities.

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life’s waiting to begin by kopycat_101

Marc is the shy and soft-spoken Prince of the Underworld, used to being ignored at best and feared at worst. He greatly admires Nathaniel, the Prince of Nature, who’s much too out of his league. Handsome, kind, charming, and charmingly modest, with hair as red as a rose and talented artists' hands.

Yearning for the love of a nature deity when he’s a deity of death is beyond ridiculous, so Marc keeps his hopes low.

But an encounter at the border between the Underworld and the surface leads the two to speaking, which leads to Marc showing Nathaniel his writing and Nathaniel his art. And from there blooms a beautiful friendship…Or maybe more.

This is a marvelous Hades and Persephone inspired story, with a fair bit of drama going on near the end. Marc and Nathaniel may be from two different worlds, and their powers may clash, but that won’t keep them from seeing each other, however much the other gods may wish otherwise.

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Forging Our Own Ending by Ryleesheep

It was one thing, to know your father was Hawkmoth. It was entirely another thing to watch him transform with your own eyes. Adrien watched it again and again, his Lady by his side, determined to find the truth. No matter how many tries it would take.

Brilliant Hawkmoth Takedown fic here, it differentiates itself from most of the pack with how strategic it is, especially with the use of Second Chance. I love how it shows every use of it, with all the differing reactions and information gained from every loop, until finally everything can be put into motion.

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Into the Unknown by NUMBER1ANGIRL

Marinette Dupain-Cheng has been Ladybug for 12 years now. She’s been fighting Hawkmoth by herself in this time, without the partner she was promised. When Hawkmoth is defeated, she starts fighting a new villain, and the strange ache of something she wasn’t aware was missing.

This fic is great. Gabriel sent Adrien away immediately after he received the ring, so he never even got to meet Ladybug. She ended up assembling an entire team to compensate, and when they finally defeated Hawkmoth over a decade later, Adrien’s called back to France in order to deal with Gabriel’s affairs. Which Marinette is very suspicious of...

Oh also Marinette and Luka had a daughter from a one-night stand, and while the two of them are great friends, they’re not married. The daughter, Sara, is great and a lot more perceptive than she’s given credit for. Quite the little Adrienette shipper too!

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Gabriel’s Big Mistake by LilacEnthusiast and Mr_BlackCat

Gabriel makes a bad decision, and it backfires horribly. Shenanigans ensue.

This is a fantastic and brilliant fic. It’s a “crack treated seriously” type fic, with Gabriel doing a ceremony to try to make himself more powerful, and turning himself into a butterfly as a result. His attempts to write a note to Nathalie are less than successful. He’s attacked by a bird, saved by Nino, and becomes his pet butterfly, Subwoofer. But his butterfly mind slowly starts overwriting his human one over time...

This is both a hilarious and an angsty fic, all wrapped into one. Kind of reminds me of how Fullmetal Alchemist is both hilarious and tragic at times, though this one leans more towards the humor. It also has a sequel, which is sadly incomplete, but still worth checking out. Seriously, check out this fic!

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Butterflies Don’t Speak: Gabriel’s Version by Falling Papillon

Nathalie gets struck with an akuma. Her mind gets sent a year into the future. She starts to live her days backwards up to the day she was akumatized.

 Gabriel and Nathalie fall in love with each other backwards.

For doctor who fans, you know the Doctor and River Songs? It’s like that but Gabenath and ACTUALLY reversed timelines and instead of “spoilers” its “butterflies dont speak”

This story is in Gabriel’s pov. Nathalie’s pov is in a separate story since they are both going through time differently. I recommend reading one pov at a time but you can read it however you wish!

Butterflies Don’t Speak: Nathalie’s Version by Falling Papillon

Nathalie gets struck with an akuma. Her mind gets sent a year into the future. She starts to live her days backwards up to the day she was akumatized.

 Gabriel and Nathalie fall in love with each other backwards.

For doctor who fans, you know the Doctor and River Songs? It’s like that but Gabenath and ACTUALLY reversed timelines and instead of “spoilers” its “butterflies dont speak”

This story is in Nathalie’s pov. Gabriel’s pov is in a separate story since they are both going through time differently. I recommend reading one pov at a time but you can read it however you wish!

So truthfully? These stories (or this story more like, it’s the same story from two different perspectives) is the reason I made this list, and I specifically waited until they were complete to post this rec list.

I have ADORED reading through them both as the author posted them, usually posting one chapter of each at the same time, so that we, the audience, learned what was going on at the same time as the characters. And then to see the crossover point, to get to where we saw what one character experienced, and then to see it from the others point of view... it was just great. 

The romance-in-reverse, with both of them slowly warming up to the idea of getting together, of letting go of trying to bring Emilie back, and enjoying what they have together instead, and then having to watch as the other person slowly forgets everything they’ve experienced together as they go forwards or backwards in time (depending on whose perspective you’re reading) is just... it’s great.

And the way both Gabriel and Nathalie start off frustrated with how the other person refuses to tell them what the future holds, until they get used to it, and then gradually as they move through the story THEY end up being the one concealing information... the reversed passage of time just makes for such interesting scenarios!

Oooh, I also love how it complicated gift-giving, since objects only travel forwards, not backwards in time. Gabriel and Adrien have to be creative about gift-giving in order to have any success!

Just... this format, with the way time works, and how it affects both Gabriel and Nathalie, just... it’s very creative, I love it a lot, and honestly I’m probably gonna keep it in mind because I could see wanting to write a story for some other couple at some point in time using a similar idea.

One-shots

I Won’t Let You by @generalluxun

After Gabriel's defeat, two individuals not party to the celebration run into each other, and find each other.

I’ve talked about this one before and I’ll talk about it again. Or rather, rave XD.

The way that Chloe and Felix almost dance around each other to try to get the other person to understand why they’re unhappy and even kind of scared, comparing who has it worse, with Chloe making Felix understand how she’s treated by her parents and the expectations society has for her, and Felix making her understand, viscerally, the sword of Damocles he’s under... it’s brilliant and poetic, and beautiful to read.

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When You Broke Me by @emmalylis

Adrien runs away from home. Gabriel simply replaces him with a sentimonster duplicate. Of course, it isn’t an exact copy…

This is short, but really intriguing, I’d love to read more of this! This new SentiAdrien is innocent and confused about what’s going on, he thinks he has amnesia, not knowing that Gabriel just full-on made him as a replacement after Adrien ran away. The original Adrien is compassionate towards him, even as he tries to figure out what’s going on and what to do.

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The Little Things by christallized

Marc's going on a date with Nath and he only has a few hours to prepare. What will they do? What should they eat? What will Marc wear? Will Nath like all the little things Marc worked so hard to set up to give them the absolutely best, most perfect date?

(Also there's an Akuma breaking reality into an endless, painful fragmentation of horror and suffering but that's not important)

This fic is just fun. Marc is mostly worried about his date, while ignoring the Welcome to Nightvale-esque horror going on all around him. The cashier may be floating in the air with his body being puppeteered around and his detached head screaming, but there’s no reason to let that ruin Marc’s date plans!

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#ml fanfic rec #miraculous ladybug #miraculous fanfiction #ml fanfic

[gerardpilled]

literally stop being an mcr fan then! why can you forgive gerard but not lynz? everyone will pretend they support the idea of allowing someone to learn and grow and change but then they'll see a woman and go oh no not her she's irredeemable like? the double standards are ridiculous

It’s so crazy… I’ve seen countless people say that she needs to explicitly apologize for her actions and yeah I guess that would be nice. I just think it's a more complicated and nuanced situation than it might seem. Her apologizing for being in msi and participating in complicit racism would implement a lot of people and make them guilty by association. It would imply everyone including the sound guys who worked shows would then be connected to "having worked for a racist band" and could seriously complicate relationships - both working and not.

Also, I sometimes really don't understand why this is a discussion worthy of so much time other than reflecting on the atmosphere that allowed such a band to rise within the scene? (I think there's a real meaningful conversation to be had about the excusing of racism from a lot of people within the alt music scene even today.)The band hasn’t toured since 2014? Acts like Marilyn Manson - who among all his other crimes also used racial slurs as shock value - is actively touring. And for the double standards - Frank fucking toured with msi in 2013 like why not cancel him for that LOL!!! Or god forbid, Gerard for working with Jimmy Urine in 2018.

Even forgiving Gerard for saying he’s Japanese while dogpiling Lindsey for saying she’s partially Indian when she doesn’t even know her birth dad is wild to me. The tweets are very similar to each other - and neither of them have apologized? I've seen people start excusing Gerard's tweet, extrapolating info like "he must have taken a DNA test" well, there's no proof of that, and why not extend that benefit of the doubt to Lindsey? Like yes, she shouldn’t have said it but Gerard shouldn’t have either! I also just can't help but think there are more important issues oh my god!!! I've seen people - both Indian and East Asian alike - express discomfort with both Lindsey's and Gerard's actions, and I completely understand that! I just only ever see Lindsey's held to such irredeemable levels, and that's usually by white people who I personally feel are overstepping their role. I just can't help but think some white people do not have meaningful, real life, conversations with the demographics they are supposedly advocating for.

I am definitely not the person to absolve her of her sins or excuse anything she’s done and people she’s hurt, but do people (and I mean primarily other white people who - from my experience - are mainly the ones posting hate about her) realize she has probably been the most clear and explicit about her anti-racist learning curve? Out of anyone even remotely connected to mcr, she has posted and done more direct funding and outreach for Black organizations than anyone. Yes, that’s Twitter activism and doesn’t exactly amount to much in the grand scheme of things, but if people who hate her judge her off of her internet footprint, why not use the same to realize maybe she has learned?

I recently tried to see if she had acknowledged any of her faults publicly- and to my shock - she has!

I’m not saying this is the best response to every thing but I also never saw this mentioned ever before.

I truly think some of the worst stuff she’s done is publicly support Jimmy Urine after the allegations came out but again everyone who just spreads that as a fact completely misses the context of her ex friend spreading unhinged rumors about her for like a year before those allegations came out. Jessicka Adams accused Gerard of sexual misconduct and started claiming that Lindsey was in cahoots with a man who accused Jessicka of sleeping with him when he was underage. Truly unhinged stuff.

If I was Lindsey and my ex-friend was doing that, purposefully targeting people close to me, I also might immediately assume she was behind those against the lead singer of my old band! She should NOT have voiced her suspicions publicly, and I do think that was wrong, but it’s not like she doubled down on it since? I know a lot of people would like to think they would act differently if they were in her shoes, but really think about it! If allegations that arose online came out against a man you called a friend - who you let watch your daughter - would you immediately publicly turn against him? She should have apologized when it became clear the allegations were not unfounded, but even when the news first broke she was liking tweets which better explained her mindset. Also last I heard, they are no longer friends at all.

Again with the double standards though. I've seen no noise around Mikey’s wife publicly defending wife abuser Johnny Depp (a person she does not even know) when he won his trial? Or the fact that Gerard was also very good friend with Jimmy and most likely shares a similar opinion as his wife?

I've also seen people say things like "well she should have known because of all the signs" I think this a dangerous oversimplification. What about the band No Devotion? Everyone loves them here. They formed after their old lead singer was exposed as rapist with multiple situations of him sleeping with young girls on tour. Why didn't those guys know about it?

I also just feel like using this case a justification to hate her alongside stuff like "she made a mikey hate blog!!" (she didn't) just feels so wrong to me. It’s like people are happy this happened to a woman because it gives justification to hate Lindsey. I see no attempts to support this Jane Doe with tweets of support or some kind of fundraiser. It's always just rooted in hatred of another woman.

[yuikomorii]

// Either my internet or this app failed me because I saved a draft from an Anon but it disappeared so I'm going to respond it in this manner. The Anon was basically saying that Yui in Ayato's MB route had no development because "she lost all self-respect”, and while I have nothing against people expressing their opinions, having the right to an opinion does not make it correct. Yes, she became desperate for his love, but she realized something crucial in the last chapter that completely changed everything.

Ayato's MB route was surely not the best in the whole franchise, but it showed Yui learning from her mistakes, which made me very proud of her. Normally, heroines are portrayed as too good for anyone, always righteous and admirable, but Yui felt really realistic here because of her imperfections.

When I first went through the route, I couldn't help but feel bad for Yui, however that was because I put myself in her shoes, yet in Ecstasy 10, I realized that it wasn't Ayato who made the biggest mistakes, but Yui.

Let's start with the Dark chapters: in Dark 2, Yui confesses her love to Ayato after drinking a truth serum, implying that she fell for him a long time ago. She says things like, "You're so cute! I want to give you headpats! Your kisses and bites feel amazing... I want more!", which sounds kinda superficial, so it's no surprise Ayato concluded she only used him for looks and pleasure. To summarize, Yui had this idealized image of Ayato in her head, and when you idealize someone, you create a pretend fantasy about who they are, and then you value the fantasy more than the reality, which Yui did. She placed the "perfect" Ayato on a pedestal and completely overlooked his flaws, so when he revealed his flaws, she became depressed and was like:”No, this can’t be… this isn’t the usual Ayato-kun!”.

Now, Ayato was also in the wrong and his extreme trust issues bothered me more than the fact that he kept calling her "prey." That was quite sad at first, but after learning the true motives behind it, it became somewhat reasonable? Humans, after all, are mere prey in the eyes of vampires, as they require their blood to survive, but it's not just that. Ayato has a very low self-esteem, and it is confirmed in MB that he believes no one will ever love him back, which is why he doesn't want to make anyone special. He had to obey Cordelia's orders his entire life in order to make her proud, and he was never allowed to be his true self and do what makes him happy. The fact that Yui only loved his ideal image but screamed/cried when he was struggling with the awakening as Adam process only reinforced his belief that Yui was... nothing special, just like any other girl: someone who only wants pleasure and likes him as long as he doesn't show his bad sides. Of course, Yui isn't that type of girl, but he couldn't have known that at the time.

Returning to Ecstasy 10, it's one of my favorite DL chapters in general because Yui's growth is *chef's kiss*. She realizes Ayato's flaws after being caught by him and having him open up to her; he can be mean, dishonest, and very bad at conveying feelings, but these are the aspects of him that make Ayato... Ayato.

Yui: I was too focused on myself that I failed to realize. All I wanted was to be loved as myself, but… I guess I didn't look at Ayato-kun properly either.

This was the only route where Yui was truly selfish, because she was mostly concerned with her own feelings rather than attempting to understand Ayato's, but to be honest, this makes her even more relatable and human-like. Let's face it: everyone sometimes cares more about their own well-being than others, even if we have good intentions and do it without noticing. The fact that Yui realized her mistake and began paying attention to the real Ayato screams development to me. She even fell more in love with him after he revealed his vulnerable side. This was one of the most genuine moments in DL history because they both had the same goal: to be loved as themselves, and they both achieved it. Yes, their actions were bad, but at least they learned something important.

People seem to forget that Yui is only 17 years old with no previous dating experience. They expect Yui to be the one who teaches the Diaboys about love, despite the fact that she has no idea what love is either. Ayato's MB route actually made her go through this as a teenager, because it taught her how to love and what loving someone means.

In addition, Ayato doesn’t only care about her blood, as the Anon said; even in the official book, after talking about the appearance of the Mukami brothers, it is mentioned this: 「ただのエサとしてではなく、彼女の心を欲するアヤト」 which means “Ayato desires her heart, not just as prey”, and later on it is written how he is unable to speak frankly and tries to hide his sad feelings behind his rough words. He had been crushing on her for almost the entire route, and it wasn't the blood that mattered to him, but Yui as a person.

#diabolik lovers #yui komori #ayato sakamaki #ayato x yui #ayayui #dialovers #admin

[alternatefandom]

Right, so I (ariciabetelguese, on my main) was having a discussion with @addictofanimation on Alhaitham's actions towards Kaveh, but I don't wish to clog moonilit's notes further. So I invite you to continue our talk here, shall we?

First, allow me straighten out a misperception: I never claimed that Alhaitham doesn't care about Kaveh. I've stated that he does care, in an inept way ("he's clearly trying his best from his limited perspective, so kudos for that, I guess?"). But I still think what Alhaitham did was borderline cruel, and this is where I'm coming from.

In my youth, I was a lot like Alhaitham. Half the fandom cleanly pegged him an INTJ, and I am, too. He values rationality and knowledge, and so do I. He's practical and pragmatic; so am I. His insight can cut people to the quick, causing him to conflict with people; so had mine. Nobody liked to go up against me, and truth be told, I was perfectly content that way.

Alhaitham said he is not a leader. I agree. Here's where we differ: Alhaitham is not interested in exploring that, while I was.

So out of curiosity, I led people, despite hating every second of it. Here is what I found: 'tough love' as you called it only works if you can make sure the person was picked up afterwards. Pain is a great teacher, but only if you're treated after. Otherwise, there's a big possibility that the other person will actually be set back in their journey of healing, and if you get yourself cut off, there's really not much you can do to fix that.

And until the Palace of Alcazarzaray was built, Alhaitham was never there to pick up Kaveh, nor was he there to make sure that someone else did. I'm not even sure if he tried to apologize; was there a lore bit I missed somewhere? After all, to this day, he still takes digs at Kaveh's very ideals, the things he prided himself on, although people still disagree on whether or not Kaveh takes these digs seriously. Regardless, I don't think much of Alhaitham's methods, and seeing as Kaveh remained a stubborn idealist who literally gave up everything for Dori's palace, we can see that his methods didn't work out all that well, either, so... yeah.

When you are your own worst enemy, it takes a friend/family being real with you to snap you out of it. The best way to tackle illogic actions/thoughts is with logic and reality. Alhaitham didn't let Kaveh believe a lie (that it was somehow his fault) and used logic against it.

And yet.

Alhaitham had seen through the reality that he had never been able to face, causing him to feel reality's bite for the first time, a feeling that made Kaveh steadfastly declare that he regretted making friends with this all-too-intelligent person.

Kaveh already knows. He didn't even waste a second denying Alhaitham's words because deep down, he already knew. He was simply not ready to face it; he didn't know how to do so. To reiterate: as a whole, it's not a logical trauma, so it's not so easily solved with facts and logic. If it was, a brilliant engineer like Kaveh would've solved it easily.

What Alhaitham did was like telling a depressed person that they have no reason to be sad because they have too much to be grateful for in life. Detangling an illogical trauma is not that simple. Does that mean Kaveh was too sensitive? I guess, in the same vein of people who's just been wounded are too sensitive, geeze, why did you shout when I poured alcohol over your wound? After all, alcohol is good at cleaning wounds, no? What I did was a good thing!

Once again. I'm not saying that Alhaitham doesn't care about Kaveh, or that he wasn't trying to help. I'm saying he's incredibly inept at caring, and he ended up hurting more than helping during their fight. But then again, he was still young and inexperienced at the time, so I won't blame him too much for it. In the end, I agree that his friendship with Kaveh could be somewhat beneficial; both of them could learn from the other's example. After all, they're each other's reflection :)

#ari's rambles #alright getting a bit personal here #not part of the discussion #just a personal reflection #i'm harsher on alhaitham because he's too much like me #and because a lot of people idealize his flawed actions and perspectives #without realizing that those flaws *are* there #Kaveh's flaws may be way more obvious story-wise #but they're still mirrors. two extremes in opposing ways. #go too far in one direction and you will fall

[bullet-prooflove]

Choices!Series Part Two: Compromise - Vostanik Sabatino x Reader

Tagging: @kmc1989 @novamariestark @words-and-seeds @thiashazzywriting @whateversomethingbruh @a-noni-love @reneejett4

Choices!Series

Part One: Diamonds - An undercover op makes Nik ask a question.

You’ve forgotten how good Sabatino is at playing a role. Tonight he's the rich, doting husband. Possessive over his woman, willing to give her whatever she desires. His thumb chases across your lower back, tracing over your bare skin and it sends a flush of heat chasing through your body. It’s an intimate gesture, one that makes it very clear to everyone else in the room exactly who you belong to.

You lose him in the raid, one minute he’s beside you, securing the suspect and the next both him and the painting have vanished. You wish you could have expected something different. It’s not the first time he’s pulled something like this. You guess the painting will go back into circulation; GPS tagged so they can track the next round of terrorist funding.  

When you return to the office you find the matching wedding band that he was wearing, sitting upon your desk.

You know you won’t be seeing him tonight, that he needs the space to lick his wounds.

As you study the platinum ring between your fingers you wonder if this is the choice that Sam was talking about.

“There comes a time when you just can’t bend any further, there’s no more flexibility. You and Sabatino are going to get to that point and when you do one of you will have to make a decision. It’ll be make or break.”

You’re there right now, you can feel it in your heart. Marriage is the one thing that you can’t compromise on and now he knows it.

***

Sabatino goes back to his hotel room that night, the one the CIA hire out for him whenever he’s in LA. He hasn’t told them that the two of you are living together, they don’t even know that he’s in a relationship because if they did, you’d be seen as leverage.

He lies down on the bed, still clad in his suit and he thinks about that moment, the one when he slipped the ring onto your finger. He didn’t realise how much he wanted it until then, how much it meant to him.

If he does this, if he choses a future with you then he has to be done with the CIA and that comes with stipulations, ones that he has to fulfil if he wants them to cut him loose.

“I think your job allows you to have one foot out the door.” You had told him.

He understands that’s what it must look like to you, that he’d not entirely invested, that he’s always ready to leave but the truth is he’s scared. He knows his value as an operative, that The Agency won’t want to release him. He’s terrified of what they might do if they find out that you’re the reason he’s putting in his papers.

His thumb plays over the empty space on his ring finger, the one where up until a few hours ago a platinum wedding band resided. He’d liked the feel of it, of belonging to you, of other people knowing that. You were right when you said there’s a security in being married.

The problem is the stability. He wants to be around more, to be involved in your life but his job prevents that. You can go months at a time without seeing each other, barely communicating if he’s in deep cover.

He wants to be there in your day to day, to hold your hand on the way to brunch, to get up at crazy o’clock to go running, to cuddle up on the couch scaring yourselves silly on the latest Netflix documentary. He wants a life with you, a whole one, not the one he’s been living for the past four years.

There’s only one person who knows what he’s going through, who can shed some light on his next steps and that’s Michelle Hanna. He resolves to visit her the next morning.

Maybe between the two of them they can figure something out.

Love Nik? Don’t miss any of his stories by joining the taglist here.

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#ncis la #sabatino x you #erik palladino #sabatino x reader #sabatino #Vostanik Sabatino x reader #Vostanik Sabatino #ncis los angeles #Vostanik Sabatino x you #nik sabatino #nik sabatino x you #nik sabatino x reader

[skaldish]

Follow up on identifying vs being

I guess I’m not entirely sure how to tell Being from merely Relating to? It’s never been something I realized there was a difference before. I’m autistic and the concept of self has been tricky even with years of therapy. I struggle with self knowledge or a stable self concept as noted by several therapists over the years. Is the self something you can just… introspect and know? Without outside input? Cause whenever I have tried that I’ve only gotten a 404 error. Well, either a 404 or just a lot of self loathing as I start seeing negative aspects that others say don’t even line up with reality. I’m fascinated by the idea that you can just know yourself in that way without others verifying whether those traits are factual or not

I'm also autistic. I don't talk about it ever because a lifetime's-worth of stigma has made me deeply, deeply ashamed of it. But I'm bringing it up now because I need to make it unmistakably clear that I know exactly what this feels like, and I need you to trust me when I say this:

It has nothing to do with being autistic and everything to do with undue influence. People who grow up in high-demand religions and cult indoctrination also struggle with the concept of self in the exact same way.

The mechanism behind this "lack of self-sense" is an environment that a) makes you fear an aspect of, or all of, your natural self, and b) demands you to take on certain behaviors, thoughts, emotions, and/or values in order to meet the environment's criteria for belonging.

I had no concept of "self" for most of my life because I was only allowed to experience myself as one of two things growing up: A freak, or the mask I wore to hide it.

Discerning "what I like" from "who I want to be" and "who I am" from "what society says I am or should be" took years. For a long time, it all felt like the same thing. In order to experience an internal sense of self, I had to identify and mitigate what prevented me from doing that: Gender dysphoria, dissociative states, conditioned shame, physiological distress caused by eating certain foods, environments that reinforced my programming, etc.

But it sure as shit isn't the autism.

I know who I am and don't feel hollow anymore. And the first critical step I took to untangle it all it was recognizing something was off.

#answered

[nonegenderleftpain]

this is maybe very hopeful, but i still find it in me to send an ask, hoping for the best... i hope to not waste too much of your time with this

as someone who is possibly thinking of converting to Judaism, what is the first step?

i know, i should look for a rabbi, for a group, for just... something. to connect me to the culture, but i grew up in an incredibly sheltered household, in a small town, christian, and i still dont have solid income to look out for them far and wide... honestly, I'm kind of afraid that if i dont end up going through with the conversion, I'll just feel guilty for wasting people's time for my own personal gain (as opposed to...... their gain? yeah. its impossible to tell wether that one makes sense)

im pretty sure i have met exactly one Jewish person IRL and that's not a stretch.

so, basically, when im asking for the first step here, what i really mean is, how do i know where the stairs are?

and i dont have a super philosophical reason as to why i even think of converting in the first place. i guess i just need a place where my first crime won't be my humanity.

So I've sat on this all day trying to figure out how to be elegant. I'm in a fair bit of pain today, so elegance is kind of beyond me - I'll settle for helpful.

Anon, I grew up in a really similar situation to you. I grew up in one of the few Catholic towns in my very protestant area. It was a tiny farm town, only on the map for gambling, and I lived in an incredibly sheltered home. I couldn't be on the internet unsupervised, and my parents turned it off at 10pm, until the day I left home. I never had time to form a community, was not allowed to ask questions, and struggled with constant feelings of fear and crushing oppression by a church I no longer believed in.

When I was in highschool, I discovered LaVeyan Satanism, got my hands on the satanic bible, and converted, largely hiding it for years. I didn't meet a Jew until I left for college, and was so anti-Gd that we never really spoke (Not due to antisemitism - any engagement with religion triggered religious trauma history, so I couldn't be around ANYONE openly practicing any religion. It was a very stressful time, and I carry a lot of guilt for not engaging with her more.)

I didn't have any big philosophical reasons for seeking Judaism, either, at first. I had had a very spiritual experience in the Cherokee Nation with a family friend who invited us, and I was actually considering moving there and taking part in their religious practices as much as they would allow me to, as a white person. My family friend was a religious leader there and was willing to accept me and bring me in, but it never panned out. I have been seeking that same spiritual connection for years, but I didn't really know it until I found it again.

I first started learning about Judaism when I just. Kept running into Jews in my life. Online, in community spaces, through my advocacy work. And I asked myself "what is so important about this?" and picked up the book To Life! by Rabbi Harold Kushner. Immediately, I was enthralled, and I have not stopped being amazed and overjoyed with what I've found.

For me, the first step to really learning more was reaching out to my local Reform congregation. I'm not sure if you're thinking of converting Reform or not, but I'd suggest starting there, because I've found it's been very easy to find my footing as a queer person with a fraught religious background. The Union for Reform Judaism - the largest North American movement of Reform Jews - offers Intro to Judaism classes once a semester (many congregations require these courses for conversion). The classes lay out the very basics of Jewish values, history, and practices. They're usually taught by local rabbis - my course this semester on Jewish history has two classes with each of the four Reform rabbis in my city. This is a great way to get to know the rabbis, see how they teach, and see who you click with. It will also allow you to interact with other folks that are new to Judaism - Jews that want to learn more about their heritage and practices, prospective converts, friends and family members of practicing Jews, and sometimes just people interested in theology!

Once you find a rabbi that you click with, you'll want to reach out to them and set up a meeting (I meet personally with my rabbi on Zoom, because transportation is difficult for me as a disabled person). During that meeting, you can tell the rabbi your story, your level of interest, and answer some of their questions, as well. My Rabbi asked me why I chose Judaism as opposed to something else, and really dug into my resolve, because I came to him expressing my desire to convert. This is pretty normal - antisemitism is on the rise in the US and around the world, so they want to make sure you understand what you're taking on by seeking Judaism.

Here's the thing about Judaism - it is not something you can do alone. Judaism is a tribe and a people, not just a religion. I do not say this to dissuade you. If anything, I want to encourage you. No one is going to be upset with you if you come, participate with sincerity and earnestness, and then decide that it's not for you. You will not be wasting anyone's time by asking questions and learning things.

I also grew up Christian. We were taught that asking questions is a sign of a lack of faith. That we must follow and believe and never question Gd. I am here to tell you that that is the complete opposite of what Judaism not just expects, but requires. Israel means "to struggle with Gd." It is our job as Jews to struggle with the Torah and what it asks of us. To question it and interpret it and find out how to do good in the world. To disagree. This is not a religion of blind faith, and it is not a people that will silence your questions.

So I suppose the concise answer to your question is more of a checklist:

Research your local synagogues. See if you can attend one of their services online. See if you like the rabbi, like the way they talk and the things they say and the way they interpret the texts. See if you like the cantor, and if the way they chant helps you with your connection to the service or detracts from it. Take notes of any questions or concerns you have, so you can bring it to the rabbi.

Contact your local rabbi. If there is more than one congregation where you live, choose which seems most approachable for you to start with. On their congregation's website, there should be an email form that will take you to them, or to whomever runs their site, who will be able to put you in contact.

Set up a meeting with your rabbi. If you can go in person, that's great, but if you get anxious easily, Zoom can be really helpful. I recently even got my rabbi to join Discord. Bring them your questions. Tell them why you're there. Answer their questions honestly, and don't be afraid to tell them you're nervous. I promise you're not the first prospective convert they've spoken to.

Try to get into an Intro to Judaism class. You can ask questions about all different sects of Judaism, even if you're taking classes with the URJ, and a good rabbi will be able to give you cursory answers and resources to find more information. If Reform doesn't work for you, I'm sure that the other sects of Judaism have their own classes you can take. As a convert, I have not had to pay for my classes, and I think that's a national thing

Attend services. Don't be afraid to not know what's going on. Don't be concerned that you don't know Hebrew. Don't worry about them thinking you don't belong there. I still haven't formalized my conversion (I haven't been able to schedule my beit din), but my congregation considers me a member, and recently formalized my membership in our organization. They consider me a Jew, as much as I consider myself one. I am part of their family, even though I'm very new and know almost nothing.

And most importantly:

6. Keep reading. There are lifetimes of Jewish literature, information, and text out there. Jews keep extensive and detailed records of everything. When a Jew has an opinion, they write a book. And every Jew has opinions. I'm happy to give book recommendations, but this post has gone on far too long.

I know it's not a simple answer - there really isn't one. Conversion looks different for everyone, and takes different amounts of time for everyone. So does practice. I don't keep kosher but I give blessings over what I eat, even if it doesn't follow kashrut, because the blessing and gratitude is what is holy for me (and because I have dietary issues). I haven't hung mezuzot because I can't afford them, but I wear kippot because the visual reminder of the cultural and historical throughline of our people matters to me. I don't know Yiddish or much Hebrew, but I learn and ask questions and am enjoying immersing myself in a culture and ritual that I didn't know I needed.

I hope this is at all helpful. If you need or want personal help with any of these steps, please, please send me a DM and I will help you. I know it can be nervewracking to talk about religion, especially as an ex-Christian. I promise that my inbox is a safe space to discuss it. You're among friends, and I know your struggle.

Stay well, and may Hashem bless your journey, wherever it leads.

#jewish stuff #jumblr #lovely anon #the ask and the answer but not the book #jewish #jew by choice #jewish convert #i mean this please dm me if you see this nonnie #i'd love to help

[intotheabyssofunknown]

Tell me about your favorite character, Kaname. About his feelings, his personality, his sadness, his love, his relationship with Yuki, everything.

Sorry for the death . Tell you about Kaname, the more I talk about him , the more there is still more left to explore. So who is Kaname ,what does he feel , why he does the things he does , what is his relationship with yuki or his friends. I guess something like this .

For me Kaname is a man with a plan ,a very sad plan . He is selfless to a fault , most of the times, he was only been a little selfish when it comes to yuki , i mean to say that he is just someone who just doesn't live for himself , it's just the way yuki talked about him in chapter 90 , it's as if he wouldn't be allowed to exist if he didn't use him life for the sake of someone. Some might say a selfless person is someone who doesn't harm other, who doesn't manipulate others , but everything he ever did was not for himself, none of it was for himself, that I will have this, I will have that, it was all for yuki and at the end humans , if only he did things to achieve happiness , the one person I actually want to be happy from the bottom of my heart . He always puts himself in the second place , forget second perhaps the last . He is someone who will kill for the people he loves , die for them but alas he isn't ever able to live them .

His journey is fascinating to me . He is like a travelller who has travelled the ends of the earth and he has been alone for that amount of time. I won't say he didn't have moments of happiness, i think he must have had those few moments but he just lost them , it's like happiness escapes his fingers like grains of sand . He was a scared man who feels as if he ever desired anything, it's bad , it's dark . But how can there be a life without desire, he had them yet he couldn't act on them ,he suppressed them . It's like something you want , it's right in front of you but you just can't touch it. It's not like he was afraid of the light , perhaps he was afraid that he will corrupt the light , that's why he wanted yuki to stay away from vampire politics. And the kaname we see at the last , is a very very tired man , he has fought enough battles , he just couldn't fight anymore , how to say this , it's like a warrior isn't able to lift his own sword at the end of battle cause sword has become just that heavy , it's a very realistic thing that can happen to a warrior, Kaname was like that . He had grown weary of everything , that was the main theme of vampire knight , the loss of desire that comes with long life . I think latest chapter is actually a good way to talk about it , the more they live the harder it becomes to get rid of your impurities, so how can someone like that lead anyone , though I don't wanna agree with this ,but this is something that happens in real life . kaname's actions, his sadness , his rage , his despair, everything is realistic . Kaname and sadness , these two words are inseparable, he is a tragic king , all his life he had faced more tragedies than anyone , he has given more than anyone can. And sadness of his life , he has always been alone . It's like happiness always escapes his grasp.

He feels like autumn 🍁 if I compare him to a season , he is sweet , spicy and tangy if I think of flavours to describe him . It's not only his sufferings that makes him endearing, he is smart , he is strong yet weak . He isn't good neither is he evil , he is inbetween, he dwinldes at that line , his journey has left him scarred and wounded , he is a dreamer who dreams of peace, of a kind world where no one would be suffering because of vampires , cause he thought of his own kind to be cause of suffering, that's why he did what he did , to destroy the darkness along with himself. How do I say this , a very famous quote from Mahabharat, once a tree rots , you have to cut it or uproot it , before peace comes war , cause perhaps its war that makes us value peace and common day to day life ,it's sadness that gives meaning to happiness . He is chaos yet he feels like peace . He is madness of reasons . He is a sinner yet he is the victim. He is eternal yet he is just as fleeting ,like he can disappear any moment you let go. At the end of the day , he just wants to be normal yet the one that can't be granted to him 😭. He feels like he doesn't deserve that light but he does deserves all the light , he shouldn't just be the protector of light who lives in the dark , he deserves that warmth of light.

About his relationship with yuki , it's something very pure , yet something so complex , i find their relationship very beautiful and pure ( given that most of the time it doesn't look like that from my blog ) but they have given each other so much , warmth , love , commitment and thousands of years of love despite being apart , so I just don't understand how it happened like that between them . How can yuki move on like that , how did she fail to notice the warning signs , how did she not decide to stay with him. I like the little yuki and Kaname to be the best , how kaname loved her , taught her and encouraged her , how he fought with Haruka to let yuki be out , I loved those two . And it makes me wonder how Hino decided to end that in just one single chapter. Moreover I loved their eye to eye flirting in arc one , I loved yuki's bold attitude when it came to Kaname at times , I loved how she didn't want to give up on him , and I love the themes of forgiveness and acceptance between them. Though yuki has disappointed me a lot with her indecisiveness , still does and but I am still grateful for the fact that she gave kaname a second chance at life , she gave him a family though she never stays there , if she is there physically, mentally she is wandering somewhere else , now that her heart is here , physically she is gone. I wish she had stayed , just as a friend or a family member . I loved how yuki's spirit watching over Kaname . I cry at the scene where butterfly perches on Kaname's fingers which I have always felt like yuki coming to him as he once said butterflies are naturally attracted towards light . How her familiar watches his reunion with their daughters. So all in all , there are some aspects of their relationship that I just adore , still there are still some things that feels lacking. I fluctuate many times between liking yuki and not liking , but at this moment I am liking her cause she gave kaname the gift of life .

Kaname's impact on me ::

Kaname is and always be my favourite tragedy and someone I want to become happy from the bottom from my heart. He is like my muse , he is someone I want to do everything for , someone I want to have all the happiness and sorrows of normal everyday life .

There's a lot more to say about him , but I think I should stop now.

Thanks for the ask . I love talking about him and exploring more about him. ( truthfully I have written it a third time cause the first two times it got deleted 😭) .

#ask #my beautiful tragedy

[theambitiouswoman]

Hi, I hope you're having a wonderful day 💌 I've been struggling for a while. My closest friend (really, she was like a sister to me and not really a cousin) just hurt me badly by falsely accusing me of something that I didnt do and ganging up on me with the rest of our friends in our little group. I was accused of doing many things that I didn't do and even when I gave my evidence that I genuinely didn't do anything, they still wouldn't believe me. In actuality, it was just the consequences of their actions coming up to bite them and they have no one else to put it on but the person who's been pulling away from the group because they felt left out (me). This happened recently and I've been trying to move on and forgive all of them for what they wrongly accused me of doing and the ugly stuff they said afterwards, but it's tearing me apart how someone who I was so close with from childhood would betray me and abandon me for someone they started getting close to only a few months ago. I've always kept people at a distance for most of my life, but I finally started opening up last year and even more this hear (after being hurt by many), this happens.

I guess, my question is, how do I move on from feeling hurt and betrayed by a close friend? How do I properly forgive them?

Betrayal can be very painful, especially when it comes from someone you trust and care about.

Give yourself time to heal and process your emotions.

You can try writing a letter to the person who betrayed you. Writing a letter is therapeutic because it allows you to express your feelings without interruption.

It’s important to try to understand exactly what it is that you feel upset about. The more specific you can be about what you’re feeling, the easier it will be for you to work through those feelings.

When you’re ready, you can talk to your friend about how they hurt you. Stay composed while you explain how they hurt you and let your friend give a viable explanation and listen. Avoid arguing, but be assertive with your point of view.

Forgiveness is not about forgetting what happened or excusing the behavior of the person who hurt you. It’s about letting go of anger and resentment so that you can move on with your life.

Remember that life is a growing experience.

We can’t shield ourselves from experiences out of fear of getting hurt because we won’t know how to navigate situations when they arise. You will have new friends, and you will lose friends. You deserve good friendships. But you need to use discernment when making new friends and learning who to trust.

Figure out what type of values and characteristics you are looking for in a friend. But always remember that you can’t look for another “you” in others. Everyone is different and disagreements are normal in relationships/friendships.

If the relationship is important you guys will overcome it. Maybe you won’t, but it’s okay. Because you allowed yourself to let someone in and that’s huge!

Life is funny and just because you may outgrow someone one day, doesn’t mean that your paths won’t intertwine at another point. You will also meet loads of new people who are aligned with the version of you that exists at all points in your life. At all the versions that will exist of you 💗

[poetrywise]

Life, sort of

I can't access Twitter lately, so I thought mb I should try to be more active here. Yes, I know I said it before, but my VPN hasn't been working for weeks and I kind of miss people. I miss life, in general. For the past nearly 2 years, life has been hell in my country: mass arrests, toxic propaganda, army drafts, idiotic laws, silencing the media and public opinion, to say nothing of the horror we have been inflicting on another country. I don't know about most people but I do feel ashamed and depressed, even though I am, have always been, and always will be staunchly anti-war. Seriously, how have people not learnt to solve their disagreements in a less insane way over the course of our history?

Today, yet another "great" news: LGBT is now considered an extremist organization. They've done all they could to torment queer people short of criminalizing queerness itself. They keep promoting so-called "traditional" values, debating whether women should be allowed access to higher education (I kid you not, this is us in the 21st century) and abortion, all the while wasting 40% of the budget on war; in the meantime, all their beloved "traditional" families live in poverty and find their social support cut. You can get 7, 15, 30 years in prison for changing price tags in a supermarket to anti-war statements, staging an anti-war play, digging into government corruption. Children are being force-fed "patriotic" claptrap at school. Bloggers get fined, arrested or forced to leave the country because they fear for their safety. Life here is a cruel joke.

I know that I personally have little reason to complain, since I haven't been arrested (yet), nor have any of my loved ones. But it doesn't mean I don't get panic attacks (I had them before, I've been seeing a therapist for 6 years, and this situation IS derailing my progress) or fear for the future. My personal future feels ruined too: I can't travel, I can't see my BFF who lives abroad, I can't get paid for my stories even if I do manage to publish them (I write in English and have had 4 stories published in America, but we can neither send, nor accept payment from abroad lately). All this feels so small compared to what other people go through, in both our countries, but it's big to ME. I can't look into the future with any kind of hope because I don't want to live in the country that makes its people and another nation suffer. (Don't get me started on actual things our politicians say, like: Well, if smb drops a nuke on us, it'll be fine, as long as it's not on the capital. [FYI, I live in the capital, but it doesn't mean turning the rest of the country into a nuclear wasteland is fine by me. WUT EVEN!])

Everyone hates my country. We deserve it. I hate my own inability to change that but I'm neither brave, nor smart enough to do anything. When it all started, I tried writing letters to politicians, but this ain't America, nb listens to the people here. The only reply I got was smth like: Well, the West is threatening us, we must defend ourselves, so STFU. Idk what bizarre illusionland these ppl live in. Last time I checked WE were threatening everybody. Including ourselves.

What's the point of this TL;DR? Idk. To speak out in some way, I guess. Like I said, my VPN isn't working, and I can't access Twitter, which is my usual platform for whining XD I'll try to post smth more positive some time. Among other platforms that don't work without VPN are: Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, Goodreads, AO3, various torrent sites, BBC sites, many kinds of Western media, and probably a hell of a load more I don't know about. I admire the reporters who are still publishing the truth. It's impossible to hide it from the people these days, but unfortunately, most people just watch TV, which spouts disgusting lies and propaganda.

Nostalgia is a fashionable thing lately, and here's my two cents: I loved the late 90s - early 2000s. Yes, we had problems then too. Like financial crises and local wars. But we had freedom of speech, independent news, we at least tried to respect human rights, we could travel, we had cultural exchanges, foreign tourists, and nb hated us more than any other country. I wasn't ashamed to admit where I was from. I never felt I'd be stuck in a totalitarian state because surely, surely we'd learned! We'd been through it and it wouldn't repeat again. But I guess "all of this has happened before, and all of this will happen again" is a very true saying. I'm so tired. I'm sure I'm not the only one, but I do feel very alone whenever I read the news. I'm lucky in the sense that my family at least shares my opinion, but on a grand scale? I don't know if any meaningful change can be achieved when we can't even form proper opposition: a few parties/organizations both here and abroad are usually at each other's throats instead of working together. So yeah, I'm tired, disappointed, depressed, and idk what else to say.

Wow, hope I don't get arrested for this XD

#personal

[kyakykreativitylover]

I don't usually post, I'm more a reblogger, but as a Unity 3D developer the recent news has made me feel..... everything????

I started learning this engine in 2017 when my free trial of GameMaker expired and I couldn't afford to pay for it as a game dev hobbyist with no intention of getting too embroiled with game development as a full time job. Now, 6 years later, I use unity as my primary game development engine working at an agency (I know, life comes at you fast😅).

This new announcement is incredibly upsetting because the one thing I loved about unity (it's pricing) is being hacked away at by business men in suits who don't care about games or game developers, all they want is money and..... that was the very reason that I ran away from all the other platforms in 2017.

It's been 6 years of up-skilling in this engine and "getting good" and now I'm looking at learning another engine. Not because I hate Unity, but because I'm fearful of the CEO making more decisions like this that will leave me outside. I still don't make a lot of money and the money I do make doesn't allow me to pay for a game engine, so........

I'm sad, and I'm tired and the one thing I've grown to love has been mangled by "the powers that be" (Unity's shitty, shitty CEO) all for the sake of...... I don't even know what? Stock market value, pure profit, share holder concerns... like I genuinely don't know why. All I know is I'm mourning an engine that gave me a playground to go to when my mind was turning on me, for free, and I'm mourning the community that formed around it and I'm mourning all the broken dreams and I'm mourning all the games we might lose and I know mourning is a strong word and the world is going through a lot, from war and colonization to increased bigotry, racism, LGBTQ+ phobia to the climate crisis. I guess this news was the straw that broke my back.

I hate capitalism. Always have... but today the hatred is pointed at the Unity 3D CEO and all his cronies.

I'm tired of moving forward when it always feels so futile. I feel like I only go forward to go back.

Anyway, since I promised myself I'd practice gratitude daily.....

I'm grateful to have learnt Unity 3D. I'm grateful for all the games it helped make. I'm grateful to the Unity developer community for welcoming me with open arms and kind hearts. I'm grateful to all the Unity tutorials that I followed and even the ones I haven't seen. I'm grateful to all the PEOPLE that made Unity my playground, with their passion for the engine and what it could create, for the last 6 years, from my teachers and mentors (both IRL and online), to my friends and even classmates as we all went on this journey of up-skilling together for a myriad of reasons.

I hope that all YOUR dreams in particular come true whatever Unity does and I hope that you touch the sky and live your happiest and best days moving forward.

And finally, even after this long ass rant... I'm grateful to Unity for being there when I needed it.

Onwards.

#unity #personal #i hate capitalism #I guess I'm learning Godot 😅 #i hate capitalism so much #unity 3d #fuck capitalism #my ouvre is against capitalism #my very soul is against capitalism

[dead-loch]

wondering what my Deadloch folks think of this headcanon which I will be working into my fic:

Eddie throughout the season is very over-the-top homophobic in ways that, to me, obviously speak to someone who has repressed a part of themselves (I’d be interested to know how others feel about my read on that, specifically people who identify with wlw). The things she says are made to be as offensive as possible but they don’t strike me as coming from a place of hate (tbh this might be due to the writers and the actor, but again, let me know if you think differently).

(Homophobia stemming from repression is not something that needs to automatically be forgiven or I guess a better word might be it’s not an excuse, but it is an explanation. I don’t want to downplay it because it can cause real harm both inwardly and outwardly)

At the end, of course, she reveals she’s “done stuff” with women.

I’m wondering if Eddie-the-young-person (and let’s include here anywhere up to the age of 25 maybe? Idk how old you are or what kinda schooling you need in AUS), prior to her career in law enforcement, had tentatively been exploring queer relationships of some kind. But once beginning her career in law enforcement, (which, I mean, need I say more than that really) realised how Not Good of an environment it was for someone discovering they might be queer (whatever that may entail for her). And that for years she prioritised her own safety and sanity by adapting to a shitty, homophobic and sexist and racist environment and becoming “one of the boys” as a sort of armour. Of course, this armour would not ultimately protect her from being thrown to the wolves and blamed for the death of her partner, and boy was that a piss off.

Throughout her time in Deadloch, Eddie is (maybe for the first time ever) surrounded primarily by queer people and by queer women specifically. She goes from an environment of toxic masculinity, one she’s spent a very long time adapting to and-maybe-ingratiating herself to, to an environment that is, well, nearly the complete opposite. If it was me, I think I’d be angry. And maybe feel betrayed. Like… I could have had this all along?

Holly, I believe, is the only woman Eddie has had a close relationship with prior to Deadloch, and even then, it was through her partner on the force. But we know that Eddie and Holly were close enough because Eddie keeps calling her. But this one relationship (and here I mean friendship, not that there was anything romantic or sexual between them necessarily), to me, seemed important to her and not just in a “you’re my work partner’s wife” way. It felt to me like Eddie, on some level, really valued that relationship but that it was also something she craved, again, on some level, and probably not on a conscious one.

Just… imagine chipping away at yourself for years and years so that you’re protected from poisonous hate, and then suddenly finding yourself in a place where others like you— or like the you-who-could/might-have-been— have allowed themselves to exist as they are. (And again, this is fully said without judgement. We deserve to feel safe and that can take many forms and should be up to the individual to decide for themselves what is best for them at any moment in time.)

I can’t speak for queer Australians (although I’d love to hear from you) but even just discovering that marriage rights were only afforded to queer couples in 2017 pushes this narrative even more. For comparison, my country legalised “same sex marriage” in 2005, with some provinces having legalised it as early as 2003, and civil marriages between “same sex” couples existing since 1999. I was 15 in 2005 and I can assure you it didn’t really make anything in my day-to-day life easier but it did mean… other people like me are out there. We didn’t have the world at our fingertips as readily as we do now, even so relatively recently.

#when I get a full night of sleep I’m suddenly having a million very clear thoughts #like Hm maybe I should do this more often #Deadloch #eddie redcliffe

[rainstormcolors]

For the meme:

YGO + 2, 12, 15

Tristan + 8, 9, 10

Hello! Thank you for the ask!

Yu-Gi-Oh!

2) …my three favorite characters and why I love them so much.

Seto Kaiba has been my favorite from the start. All the versions of him have their value and I enjoy them all, but my personal favorite version of the batch is the manga’s version of the character. The loneliness, his internal struggle that seems viscerally painful, the maladaptive behaviors and the search for understanding, and how it’s apparent he does want to connect with other people but he can’t understand this about himself or accept it. He’s so layered and yet the ambiguity is also relatable --- the way emotions cloud and blur, how we don’t have the words for things. And he’s fascinating and morally grey and allows an outlet for the heightened emotions we sometimes need to see, to connect with to understand this feeling is shared, even as he seems achingly alone, even as he achingly reaches out to others. The theme of grief is also very intense within this character while having a kind of subtly, the way these emotions fold into and hide in other emotions.

Mokuba Kaiba is next. Again I enjoy all the versions of this character but the manga’s version is my personal favorite. I feel he’s a very complex character in the manga’s canon with layers of emotion and a history which he carries and it’s only overshadowed due to him not being a duelist character. He’s so headstrong and loyal and he harbors anger, resentment, loneliness, love and devotion, and he’s incredibly proactive. Something that feels a little overlooked about him in canon is that Mokuba *also* explodes at Seto at Death-T, which is not to remotely excuse what happens later on at all, but rather it shows how the strain of everything had worn both of them down and left neither of them able to handle this.

Noa Kaiba is my third favorite character. A dark isolated attention-seeking and self-destructive doomed character who doesn’t really know what love is and is shocked to discover his capacity to love, that he can love and does love. There’s a certain desperation within Noa’s initial plan, abruptly kidnapping everyone with this hopeless idea that maybe he can just walk back into life as the Kaiba heir when that was never going to be possible, and really he just needed needed needed to interact with people from the outside even as all this hatred burned inside him.

12) …what attracted me into checking it out.

I’ve been a fan for a long time, since the show first aired Duelist Kingdom in the United States, although I can’t recall what exact episode I started with but I know it wasn’t the very start. I also read the manga as it was translated and published by VIZ.

15) …which character I would choose for the chopping block if I knew the writers wanted to kill someone.

If I’m entirely honest, even if there are issues in the writing, I kind of get the impression death was an important theme to Kazuki Takahashi, something he wanted to explore in some form, and he quite literally said this in an interview as well. Which is to say that despite the problems, I feel Yugi saying farewell to Atem as Atem left the world was something meaningful to KT in some form even if I feel I shouldn’t make guesses beyond that. I do think it’s very fair to dislike this ending or to discuss and point out the issues, but previous discussions could also be guilty of neglecting the personal angle this storybeat may have carried and how people do indeed have to say goodbye sometimes or watch someone they love die. Which is to say, I don’t want to change what may have been meaningful.

Tristan Taylor / Hiroto Honda

8) …a headcanon I have about this character.

I think he was kind of the family baby while his sister had “eldest daughter syndrome” in some form. I think he helped keep Jonouchi stable before the beginning of canon.

9) …which of their relationships I would have cultivated more if it were up to me (both romantic and platonic).

Honda’s kind of left in the background of the story but he’s also a constant presence through the story. He’s given personal relationships with Jonouchi and Otogi. I very much like the quiet loyalty he felt towards Mokuba. I wouldn’t mind more Honda and Mokuba content in that way, the way people can come to care about each other quietly. Also – Blankey! Imagine more Blankey scenes!

10) …if I liked them immediately or if took a while before I warmed up to their character. Alternatively, if I disliked them immediately or if they lost my trust as their story progressed.

I was neutral towards him for quite a while. I could appreciate him as a loyal friend but it wasn’t as if I personally gravitated towards trying to understand him particularly. I think fandom discussions have been very good for me engaging more with the text, the characters inside the text, what they mean, and how we relate to them, how other real people relate to them, and in turn I’ve been able to understand others as well.

Thank you again for the ask, and I wish you a nice day.

#seto kaiba #mokuba kaiba #noa kaiba #hiroto honda