#i guess i just get nervous about being perceived as weird

[x-rds]

[Lio]

Me: Goro please I know it’s hard but can you please just step out of front so that the new people can get their bearings please 🥺

Goro: no if I leave front I’ll DIE FOREVER

Me: You won’t!! You know you won’t!!!

Goro: I WILL I will die FOREVER AND EVER

Me: You will not!!!! You don’t even have to stop being in cofront you can let them front while you’re there

Goro: NO they will be POISONED by my cursed nature. They will literally become evil they will be traumatized INSTANTLY. They will go INSANE

Me:

#liolog #crowlog #=I’m paraphrasing but ONLY slightly. please my son please #=I don’t want to force him to do anything he isn’t comfortable with but also we are getting the beginnings of weird memory blank shit that #happens when someone new is being suppressed #and they’re not even being suppressed necessarily they just can’t front and it’s making it so they can’t perceive anything external #I guess bc the brain hasn’t like given them the neural pathways yet or something to do that #and that means that every time they are active in headspace we are starting to get dissociated by their lack of awareness I think #oops I lost my train of thought mid sentence um #anyways the point is he’s nervous and scared about it and he doesn’t want to go a big long time away from front #but like.. an hour or two or something please

[nagoyatriste]

Secrets

synopsis: the absence of your husband in your matrimonial bed triggered big sleeping trouble, but the secret you hide was the one to let you without sleeping.

pairing: Diluc Ragnvindr x Fem! Reader.

contents: fluff, a little angst (I don't think I can call that angst), pregnancy.

word count: 1.144

a/n: my second writing yay! I did an effort and made it longer than Lisa's one. I hope you like it 💗

The doors closed behind him, and a little sigh left his mouth. "Finally at home," said in his inner.

Diluc spent the whole night being the Darknight Hero, nothing weird considering that it was a normal and daily activity for him, but for you, it is torture, your husband away in the dark fighting the evil that resides in Mondstadt, just not your liking. But you can't stop him, you know and understand the reasons he haves and why it is important for him.

Every time he goes to fight you can't sleep a wink, of course, he doesn't know it and won't know, this can make him worry and that is going to be one more weight over his shoulders, a weight that you can support by your own if it's for the Ragnvindr well-being, even if you know that it is not good for your health and the one of the life inside of you.

Oh, there are two things you hide from your husband.

The sound of the doors in the entry gets you out of your thoughts and turns on the alarms in your brain, Diluc is finally at home! But you are awake and you weren't supposed to be, fastly you put yourself in a comfortable and "natural" position to sleep, or well: simulate sleep, in waiting for your couple to get into bed. His steps getting upstairs started to make you nervous, with a deep breath you closed your eyes and put all your effort into having a straight face.

This occasion is not like the others when the red-haired comes home after doing his "night activities" and you're almost in your dreams, the pregnancy cramps, sensibility, and all the things that come with a child are passing over you, and taking you out your few hours of sleep, even now that he is already at home you can't feel a minimum pinch of sleepiness, adding the pressure of not have talked with your husband about the baby, maybe it wasn't too much, but it's enough for your fragile mind.

The door of your shared room opened, and with an open eye, you managed to see his silhouette reflecting on the wall in front of you, making the least noise possible Diluc started to get comfortable for sleep, not before closing the door behind him leaving the room in darkness.

He softly sat on the bed turning his back on you, untied his hair, and said "I know you are awake, y/n"

You swallowed hard, how he noticed it? You were just lying down on the bed, how bad can your acting of a sleeping person be to your lover noticing it so fast?

"H-how…" your voice cracked, turning around at a slow pace to look at him and sitting, so you two are in front of each other.

"You've been taking naps recently, so I guessed you're not sleeping well" like you he turned around, looking at you with his usual expressionless face. "You stayed awake the whole night?" he asks, patiently waiting for an answer, you just nodded at him "Don't worry, if you are dealing with insomnia I'm going to acquire the best medicinal plants for you, so you can sleep well" with a delicate touch Diluc caressed your hair, being so careful that you've felt like he was touching the most fragile thing in the world, didn't you know but that's how he perceives you.

"Diluc we have to talk. No! Not talk, ehm… I have to tell you something" you wrapped his free hand with yours. The nerves started to consume the bartender, why his sweet wife started acting like that? What's wrong? He hadn't noticed any out-of-normal attitude from you, just your naps in the afternoon. "I've hidden something from you for a few weeks, I know you're an observer so I did my best to hide it" you giggle.

Now more than nervous, he is confused "Why… why you've been hiding something from me?"

"Love, you remember that day when I ate something that made me sick?"

"Yes, I remember but, what's the point of this?"

"I wasn't sick Diluc, I'm pregnant" you dropped fast, it fell on him like a bucket of cold water "I was feeling bad lately and that day was the culmination of everything, I went with Jean and Lisa for help, they took me with a person that specializes in those things and well… this is how it ended" he wasn't reacting, just stayed looking at you in shock. "I've been having trouble sleeping since we married, the thought of you in danger doesn't let me sleep, being alone at night…" tears started falling from your eyes "The pregnancy made it worse, I wanted to tell you before but you've been busy with all the stuff happening in Mondstadt, I'm sorry-"

The firm grip of your husband stopped you from saying more, the strong but delicate touch embraced you, filling you with heat.

"You don't have to be sorry for anything… It's my fault, I've neglected you" said softly near to your ear, the hold in your back and waist being stronger and getting you near to him if it's possible "How do you feel about the baby?" looked at you, connecting both glances and carefully cleaning your tears with his thumbs.

"We never talked about being parents, but… I like the idea, and I like to think that… I can be a good mother, what do you think?" your words were so soft that can be perceived as a whisper.

"You are going to be a perfect mother" a sweet smile appeared on his face, something that not everyone can see.

"And you are going to be the best father in Mondstadt! Imagine it, a little child running behind you, wanting to be with his father, I want to cry just to think about it" the idea of him with his future children and wife made his heart burn in emotions, a warmth in the chest that he hasn't felt in a really long time. You rested your head on his chest, getting your arms around him simulating the grip that he has on you "I know I can't stop you from helping Mondstadt, I don't want you to think I want that"

"Don't worry, I have someone that can help me with that" said without any clarification of who is he talking about, without moving your head from his chest you looked at him in a notorious state of confusion "We better talk about this at the morning, you two have to sleep"

"The three of us have to sleep" a big smile appeared on your face.

Both of you got comfortable in bed and had their so-deserved sleeping, of course without losing the contact and the warmth you give to each other.

#genshin x reader #genshin impact x reader #genshin imagines #genshin fanfic #diluc x reader #diluc ragnvindr #diluc ragnvindr x reader #diluc genshin impact #genshin impact drabbles #genshin impact imagines #genshin impact fanfics

[squealing-for-harusono-sensei]

Hirano to Kagiura Ch. 22 Reaction

NEW CHAPTER :D :D :D!!!

lmao why is the first page so funny to me? I do like Hirano setting boundaries whenever Kagiura tries to push too far.

THE CHAPTER COVER IS SO PRETTY!!

Dates are kinda weird, aren't they? There isn't really much difference between them and going out with a friend except that it's called a "date" and therefore has romantic connotations.

Oh right, Kagiura never actually told Hirano for how long he has liked him. Doesn't seem like he'll tell him for a good while. (Also, Kagiura looks kinda when he says it's a secret, which is always a treat.)

Oh, so he's making it telling it contingent on Hirano's feelings. DEFINITELY won't be telling him for a good while at the rate this is going.

I love Niibashi and Kagiura interactions. Also, can't really blame Niibashi for feeling a bit awkward when he's together with kagihira knowing what he knows.

NIIBASHI BEST WINGMAN!! I do suspect that Niibashi would have done a better job than Hirano is going to, though.

DEFINITELY would do a better job, lmao. Nice wingmanning, but it did mean that the only one who knows how to sew left lol

Hirano can be... kinda oversensitive when it comes to Kagiura. I don't feel like that's the right word for it, but he's so nervous about doing anything wrong way past the point of it being reasonable. Like, before even meeting Kagiura he was worried about being a good roommate and not scaring him. Which is perfectly reasonable! At the time. But it has almost been a year now, with Kagiura almost constantly talking about and showing how happy and grateful he is for Hirano. Hirano has seen how hard Kagiura worked for them to stay roommates. And yet he tries so hard to make up for perceived failures. Not that he shouldn't apologize and make up for things he does wrong, it's just... him sewing the button because he thinks it's his fault reminds me of why he accepted the touching–making up for hurting Kagiura's feelings–and it kinda rubs me the wrong way for some reason. Well, not so much the things he does to make it up to Kagiura, it's more the face he makes when this happens. He feels way worse for doing these things than he needs to and risks going above and beyond for it. I want him to do these things because he wants to, not because he feels guilty.

Well, it's still sweet. It's not like Hirano doesn't want to do these things for Kagiura, I just wish Hirano wouldn't feel so guilty when no one is blaming him for acting the way he does. But in the end, I guess Hirano simply isn't the type to be satisfied with a simple apology.

I KNEW Kagiura would want to touch him for this!

The domesticity of this whole scene is *chef's kiss*

THE SWEETNESS!

"...It doesn't make mine race, though."

THE BITTERSWEETNESS!

"But... It's still not bad at all."

THE SWEETNESS!

With how comfortable Hirano is with Kagiura touching him, I really think the only thing keeping him from being fine with adding cuddling to their relationship is the romantic connotation. It also reminded me of my relationship with my boyfriend. Not that we are anything like them, it's just that I'm aspec and he's not. (Realized that I was some kind of ace about five years into our relationship and some kind of aro about 10 years into our relationship. In my defense, we were 14 when we got together and I really wanted to reciprocate his sexual and romantic feelings for me, so I was kinda in denial. Autism and ADD also didn't help.) Point is, I love my boyfriend but not romantically. He knows and we chose to stay officially boyfriend and girlfriend, even though it's not really romantic on my part. (My boyfriend is the BEST.) Anyway, I just feel like they're at a point where that kind of relationship could work. But then again, I feel like Hirano would feel guilty for not loving Kagiura romantically if they did that.

Hirano's heart might not race, but his gaze sure does linger.

THE CASUAL SASAMIYA IN THE BACKGROUND LMAO

Miyano: Shipper mode, ON!

...Did it ever get mentioned that Miyano is in the Literary Club in Sasaki to Miyano?

It's kinda fun to see a longer scene of Hirano and Miyano interacting outside of the 4-koma format. Miyano: "I do not mix BL with my real life." Miyano with Hirano: "He is an uke!!!!"

There's something funny about Hirano seriously talking with Miyano about BL and reflecting on his feelings for Kagiura. There's something ESPECIALLY funny about how strongly Hirano jumps on anything that disproves that he has feelings for Kagiura lmao

Though what I'm really getting out of all of this is that Hirano's heart definitely raced when Kagiura hugged him.

Anyway, Miyano's rambling about how the heart racing is only for new couples and you feel calmer once they feel like family makes me think of how I've long felt that kagihira kinda just skipped the crush part and went to being married. (Or want from married to crush in Kagiura's case.)

THE WAY HIRANO SLAMMED THE WINDOW BECAUSE HE THOUGHT OF KAGIURA LMAO!!!!

Oh? Oh??

LMAO THE WAY HE WENT FROM HEARTPOUNDING TO PISSED, I CAN'T

Hirano is getting closer! He doesn't feel romantic love the that it's usually depicted, but he's getting there! ... Although I wouldn't be surprised if he manages to graduate before then...

#I LOVE THIS CHAPTER #Btw for those waiting on second part of Is Sasaki to Miyano BL? It's going to take a while longer #I want to see if I can manage to cobble something together for Butai ni Sake for the release date of the last volume #hirano to kagiura #hirano to kagiura reaction #hirano taiga #kagiura akira #kagihira #hirakagi

[thehopelessexception]

how can a person know everything at 18 but nothing at 22 (almost 24)

warning: im writing this while im on my period and eating ice cream.

i've been dissociating for what now? half a year maybe more. i dont recognize reality. i feel im floating in this sea we call society and i've been feeling the wilson of the story here. i assume everything that's happening around me is real, ofc. but that doesnt make it any less a convenient arrangement i build for myself to try to act like a real person and not freak out. i am feeling out of reality. like the part of the game where you let the sim on auto-mode. i am the sim on auto-mode. and i don't know how to stop this stage of oblivion.

to make a vague introduction, the thing with me is that im a living paradox of a full time contradiction. i am flamboyant but i hate being perceived. i like to speak up for myself but i hate people thinking about me because of it. i have my own process of how i understand things. i trust logic and i question everything. im quite skeptical over things when there's no empirical evidence. i seek for knowledge. critical thinking, data analysis and the whole stuff. i know myself. i sometimes look like i am too obnoxious, frivolous, morally corrupted (people have told me that), when i obsess over something —because i sometimes treat people like they are stupid (not my intention really)—; but probably the only thing im completely sure of is myself. i tend to be a confident person, to have an ego, to not let the guard down, to calculate every single move. and lately i am noticing myself being impulsive, insecure, nervous, weird, saying stupid shit, nonsenses, feeling small. and i don't know how to make it stop. the thing is i put my whole self-esteem backed up by my intelligence, however im not sure of anything anymore. i don't know if the reason behind not recognising myself lately is the fact i have somehow a new crush —or a new hyperfixation for that matter— or just the natural act of growing, also known as the quarter life crisis.

i have this thing where i hyperfix on random stuff, i've been like this my whole life. one of my friends even made a powerpoint of all the things i've been obsessed with over the years. and the issue here is that this things never last that much, or maybe they do? i actually never though about it. the most random ones i remember are probably me buying ice-cream cakes of this specific brand every week for two months. i also got obsessed with eating too many scrambled eggs all day every day for a very long time. then it was that turkish telenovela on an airing channel. then ofc succession, and it grew into watching every single movie kieran culkin was part of. the world cup. mbti —im intj by the way—. red white and royal blue (i watched it five times in a day), then nicholas galitzine —did yk he has a lineage that comes all the way from the romanovs?— and his entire filmography. and also politics, i got way into politics; election campaigns, follow up candidates, history, economy, the law, etc (my candidate lost tho) (we're succumbing to disgrace) (like literally we collectively, as a country, haven't had any kind of good news since then) (please help me). and etc etc. but the thing is, i also hyperfix on random people, or not so random i guess. it doesnt happen very often tho, im quite picky, but the procedure is this: i meet someone, they draw somehow my attention, i want to know everything about this person, i talk to this person a lot (medium to long term) (week to months), and then this person becomes my friend or i get bored and completely ignore them for the rest of my life and move on.

but this time is different, or im feeling it different. i find myself questioning everything i know and i was convinced of. i dont know if it has something to do with the fact that i met someone, probably the first person wise enough to make me question if i was ever correct about anything. maybe i am hyperfixating on this person, idealizing them. but it's truly amazing how much more data this person has about everything i know of. and right now i feel way too insecure, because even if this person told me they find me smart and they enjoy talking to me, i am always thinking that if i say something not completely fact-checked they'll think im stupid. it's absurd. it's a boohoo situation, i know. and it's a process im having about who am i, or what am i supposed to be. some months ago the whole context around my life changed or i think it changed? i dont know how to explain it, —i mean i know how but i would have to talk about other things not related to this (politics stuff, things happening in my country, etc). i'll probably will make a new post about it someday—. but the whole issue is, i dont know myself anymore. and everything is crumbling.

im afraid the person i build for myself it's a fraud. or doesnt exist anymore.

i remember myself at 18, and i was this marvellous whole person. independent, smart, focused, driven. that girl spent their whole days outside her house. did everything she wanted to. wasnt scared of anything. and i look at myself now and think how? the pandemic has a lot to do with it i guess, but when i first heard taylor saying that in nothing new i thought "that wont happen to me". guess what, i was wrong.

for my fellow girlies being 23 —in my experience— is exactly how they say it will be. the worst age of your life.

next month is my birthday and im pushing 24. and i have to say my life is a mess. but i dont know if i can call it a mess because it is truly a mess or because i am a complete drama queen. because people probably have worse problems than mine, and i am what you call a white girl, only poorer —and a third world country citizen—. the issue is, i am almost 24, almost 25. almost 27. ALMOST 30. and i did nothing with my life. absolutely nothing. my mom had me at 29 for god's sake.

and by nothing i mean everything i do is not enough to feel it worthy of a life well-lived. should i look for a job and work while studying just to say i am extremely occupied because i have somehow a life? just to feel something? even if that makes my stress situation and anxiety even worse? should i somehow save enough money so i can move from my parents house? even if for my whole generation it's close to impossible? is studying something i (kinda) like enough to not feel like shit about myself? i've never had a boyfriend, nor girlfriend. shoud i look for one? get myself one? even if i dont think any of that would make me happy? i dont think i know happiness as a state of mind, nor the concept of it.

i dont feel like i have many anecdotes to tell in my future. should i measure the life-worth by anecdotes? my friends feel the same way i do, but they have a more organized life. jobs, boyfriends, careers, plans for the future, one of my closest friends move to the other side of the world with her boyfriend (!) in the blink of an eye. but they aren't much happy nor they have many anecdotes either. and i dont have the money or the guts or the available friends to create any.

every day i understand fleabag a bit more.

my favourite anecdotes about my life are from when i was about 13 and 15 years, also known as the worst time of my life. i didnt appreciated it back then, probably none of us did. but when we were teens everything was possible and we didnt have a care on anything other than mundane stuff or rebellious stuff but nothing more than yelling at people, drinking and smoking weird shit (i never had weed tho). not a real responsibility. being careless, free, avoiding consequences that mattered. i think that girl hates me right now. and i am not sure if that's the feeling i should have or if it's just utterly pathetic.

#girlblogging #girlblogger #girl blogger #girl interrupted #girly things #gaslight gatekeep girlblog #this is a girlblog #girl problems #girly stuff #girl blogging #girlcore #girl boss gaslight gatekeep #girl interupted syndrome #girl rotting #girlhood #girlblog aesthetic #girlblog #femcel #girlrotting #hell is a teenage girl #i’m just a girl #just girly thoughts #just girlboss things #taylor swift #nothing new #this is what makes us girls #fleabag #20s #life in your 20s #20 something

[dragjunkie23]

Goth Night, Pt 3

After the previous evening’s activities, Sam and (Y/N) along with Dean are forced to jump into action to help solve this case

Fluff, Mentions of Smut. Minors DNI

I awoke the next morning to the smell of bacon. “The fuck…” I thought, then I remembered last night’s events. Was Sam actually cooking breakfast?

I looked over to my alarm clock that said “9:30 am.” This is actually the longest I have gotten some sleep. I usually would wake up in the middle of the night, but this time…I didn’t.

Getting up, I put on some sweatpants and one of my night shirts. It was a little chilly out today but being in Sam’s embrace the entire evening definitely helped out matters. I shuffled into my kitchen to see Sam with just some boxers on frying up the bacon in my pan. It definitely was a sight to behold. Nothing was hotter than a man who knew how to cook.

He turned to see me standing by the frame and gave me a smile. “Good morning.”

“Morning,” I said, walking over to him and wrapping my arms around his waist. I would go up further to give him a little kiss on the cheek, but my tiny ass is never gonna reach there.

He continued to cook, the bacon in the frying pan smelling more good as time went on. “Normally I’m not one for bacon,” he said, “But, it was that and eggs in the fridge, so…”

“What’s usually your go to?” I asked.

“Smoothies.”

“What kind?”

“Sometimes with kale…”

“Oh dear Lord. You’re one of those health nuts, aren’t you?”

He chuckled a little bit. “Is that a problem?”

“No, it’s just…most hunters I have met don’t eat very well. I think for them, they turn to food for comfort.”

I sat down at the dining table, pouring myself some orange juice as Sam finished up. He bought over the bacon and eggs to the table in little bowls for us to scoop up when we wanted. “I’ve noticed it as well. I guess…doing more active things like going for morning runs provides me that chance to just relax.”

“Well, it’s better than what I do.”

“What do you do?”

“Blast the most angsty and angry music out there, singing along and just violently dancing around my room.”

Sam laughed, probably picturing the image. “How does one ‘violently dance?’”

“Did you not notice some of the goths at the club last night?” I asked.

“Nope. Was too focused on you.”

I just rolled my eyes but I also felt my face heat up. “Smooth. Well anyways…sometimes the way we dance, it’s either more elegant or getting all that energy out. At the end of the day, it’s about expression. To many people it seems very weird, but in a way…it’s relaxing. It allows us to just be free and not worry about how others perceive us.”

“I have noticed you doing the more elegant moves,” he said “It did confuse me a bit, not going to lie.”

“You’re not the first person to tell me that,” I chuckled.

As we continued our breakfast, we just talked more. We already broke a majority of the ice last night in the bedroom so the conversations was definitely following a lot better. I can tell Sam was a bit more relaxed and was starting to open up more to me. He told me more about why he usually doesn’t date around, and it’s not just because he’s a hunter. Any woman that has wanted him and he wanted has died in some way.

It broke my heart to hear that, knowing that these monsters knew a way to get to Sam. He admitted that he was nervous on getting close to me, but once he realized that I was someone who had knowledge of the hunter’s life and knew how to defend myself, he knew it was safe.

“You just seem like the type to hold your own,” he said.

“Well, I certainly hope so, or all that training my father did would’ve been for nothing,” I chuckled.

_________________________

“You were right. It’s an Incubus.”

Shortly after breakfast, Dean called Sam and asked him to come back to their motel room. I tagged along as I wanted to know what was going on. Dean pretty much confirmed my suspicions the moment I walked in the door.

“Fucking knew it,” I said, “What confirmed it?”

“Well…after I left the two of you to do…whatever, I wounded up going home with this chick and she was friends with one of the ladies who was abducted. She said that the guy looked like her type…and by that I mean he looked like her dead husband but with some different features.”

“Jesus Christ,” I said, “At least we know what we’re dealing with…”

“Um…who is this…we?” Dean said.

“You and Sam…and me?”

“She really wants to help,” Sam said, “And well…she’s pretty much a walking encyclopedia of the lore with this amount of knowledge.”

Dean just looked at me up and down before a grin spread on his face. “Well, we can’t turn down a lady friend of Sammy’s now.”

“Dean,” Sam growled.

“What? I think it’s great you got someone! She’s hot AND a hunter!? Dude…”

My face heated up in embarrassment, but a part of me was also kind of happy that I at least had Dean’s approval.

“Don’t call her hot…”

“Fine…she’s attractive. Happy?”

“Whatever…just cut it out. She’s clearly embarrassed.”

I chuckled. “Don’t worry. I know how older brothers can be. However, we have an Incubus to track down. Let’s get it before it gets any more women.”

#sam winchester #supernatural #sam winchester fluff #dean winchester #sam winchester smut #sam winchester x reader #goth girl

[mundanememorize]

my long gender post lol

idk how long it’ll actually be but like. god i’ve been thinking a lot about the idea of “knowing since you were a kid” recently and for the longest time i thought i didn’t really know but recently i’ve remembered and realized to an extent i did know but in the vein of “who cares” and i guess i just always assumed everyone else felt the same. like i just thought everyone was like who cares, but ill just wear this thing because everyone else does.

and i used to be really nervous and somewhat afraid of bringing up my autism and other things in relation to my gender because so many people use it to discount and discredit your experience, especially when it’s brought up as a cause of you being trans. i’ve always been afraid of someone coming up to me and saying “you’re not trans you’re just autistic and confused” which would be a double punch for me.

but i’ve started realizing thinking that way as a kid, before i knew any words to describe myself other than “weird”, was me knowing i just thought everyone also felt like that. and i have that issue often. that i just assume everyone sees the same thing as me, and then thinking we all process that information the same because i just think that’s how brains work.

what makes me sad is you can’t even be “odd” anymore. if people just saw me as some really weird off the deep end “girl” still i wouldn’t really care. i really try not to care what others perceive me as in terms of gender because to me it’s “not their business”. but even just having really weird or unique clothes at this point can get you clocked or treated weird. and i mean this to point out how awful it is that if you just dress kind of “weird” there is a larger chance of you being hurt or turned away or ostracized.

now when you dress “odd” you immediately have an agenda. you have some sick disease or people roll your eyes when you’re around. and i’ve never understood this hateful lens of obsession people have with clothes. i love clothes i definitely have a clothes obsession but they have always been some form of a costume to me. because that’s what they are. you dress up how you’d like to look like in them. so if i have the ability to dress how i desire why wouldn’t i? and if i was a “girl” you would still look at me funny. if i was a “guy” you definitely would. and because i lie inbetween ill never be taken seriously and ill always have this large neon sign above my head that flashes “NONBINARY” which people hate. people get so mad.

over the years i’ve tried to become “tougher” through saying i’m more “reasonable” than other nonbinary people. i just wear t shirt and jeans and im just like you! im more masculine and im nonbinary but i will only use he him! but oh my god it’s wearing down on my soul. it’s grating. and i’m so upset that i made myself do this. for myself for others and im mad that it’s something i felt like i had to perpetuate to be “taken seriously”. being a person is the most unserious thing in the world.

i’m so tired of “gender roles” and i have been since i was 12 and saw others sharing this sentiment and im tired because its confusing. it doesn’t make sense even historically. when boys wore pink because its closer to red. but suddenly now it’s some omen that an “agenda got you”. i have never understood any of this so i’ve never participated but by doing that i was punished. and when i participated i was hurt worse. there’s no point in playing this made up game so why should i have to care im sorry i really don’t. i dont at all.

i’m not trying to make a big point or anything. i mean this as when i was a kid i had absolutely no concept of gender. and when i tried to it hurt me awfully bad. my parents themselves were not that strict with gender roles besides telling me what the world would expect but i could always do “boy” and “girl” things. i mean this as when i was a child i genuinely thought i was a boy because i would sex myself by counting my ribs to make sure i had 13 (…) and i “always did” (i was like 7 lol). i had no concept because lionesses do all the work and big blue peacocks are male. this shit is all stupid and it never made sense to me since i was a kid. and i don’t think it will ever be “because” of anything. people will always try to put a cause but i felt like this when my life was perfect and happy when i was 6 years old and i had no hardships. it felt like this when it got harder it felt like this when it got worse it feels like this now. there’s no point to this.

this is very very long but i have been nonstop thinking about it. i have always felt stuck in my gender identity because of the rules put on this stuff and im sooooo so so tired about it. i feel like ive come out 5000 times because i dont know what im supposed to be. i’ve tried hard to find labels and do them right over and over but god. and it’s not that i don’t identify or feel connected to being queer, i very much do, but to me (and especially at this point) i don’t feel connected to being the “alternative” because it doesn’t make any sense. but being queer and especially trans you get painted as the undesirable alternative. you become “what happens sometimes” and then they’ll try to explain it. give it reason. their parents weren’t the best. they have a gene or a mental disorder or illness. they’re autistic and confused. they have identity issues. they’ll grow out of it. but i’m soooo tired of having to have an explanation. oh my god. because no one else does and when you point it out they get mad and turn it on you.

i don’t really have a nice way to wrap this up. and this is not the 5001 coming out post. i’ve known i’m gender fluid for the past 2ish years. i know what i am. i’m queer. as in odd as in gay as in “alternative” as in shapeless as in confusing. i know who exactly i am by being an ever changing thing but that’s seen as being unstable and lost in yourself instead of curious or intrigued by others explorations. i am just sick of having to explain myself to cis people and having to be seen as a “good example” in every facet of my life, related and unrelated to this.

#i am very nervous to visit my family this weekend can you tell #it’s fine sorry this it’s so long i jsuy have nonstop been thinking about this stuff bc ive been getting more comfortable with how i feel #but now i’m just like kind of pissed off. lol

[sexydreamgirl]

thank you! i understand that the length of time entirely depends on conviction but it’s just a little hard for me to have that conviction and faith :/ do i have to prepare myself?

by that i mean, before bed i get a bit nervous thinking about how my 3D will be completely different, how do i prepare myself for change?

also, i know this sounds so weird but even during sats i find it hard for me to believe that it is done. correct me if im wrong but i guess that it doesn’t really matter how many times you repeat the scene, what matters is that you reach the state of wish fulfilled, but it’s hard for me to reach that. i keep on repeating but i don’t feel it real to the point that you have described, what am i doing wrong?

I can't really answer for sure what you"re doing "wrong" since I'm not you, but it could be with the approach that you are trying to get something.

When I do the lullaby method I perceive it through the lense of my prayer being granted so when I repeat those three words I allow myself to bask in that feeling of being told yes.

About change. I think that's a completely different discussion that ultimately depends on what change means to you. LOA or no LOA change is the essence of life and without it you will not evolve. I'd say ponder on the question on why you're inviting that change in the first place and how your world will reshape itself because of it.

[wulvert]

i cant even lie to u bald avery has become such a problem 4 me (/POS!!!!) i was doing one of my semifrequent rereads of paperteeth i do when i need a grasp on how 2 write their characters again nd i got whiplash seeing normal avery. my ass is NOT ready 2 perceive her usual form again on thursday (if ur updating that is!! pls do not feel pressured,,,)

do u perchance have any spare lore about avery (that isnt in blatant spoiler territory ofc),,,i dotn have any specific questions 2 help but i miss her. avtually i lied ive thought of one (1)

does she. does she paint her claws black or are they just Like That. the mental image of avery potentially just sitting there with a bottle of vantablack nail polish casually painting fuckign. CLAWS is so funny 2 me

I cant stop balding her its a problem like i think she needs to be baldified at some point bc i need her to exist in that form officially. ( i will i definitely wanna try stick to updating these next few weeks, bc of reasons )

avery lore.... im still pretty bad at thinking of things 2 mention unless asked direct questions but here are some extremely mundane things:

she can drive but she doesnt have a car. thats really boring. uh. lore. avery facts. all of her cutlery is silver, all her knives are silver, pretty much anything metal she owns is silver, same goes for her entire family so interacting with them, ever is gonna be a pain. (avery adopts gloves pretty quickly 2 be able to touch silver. and not get got by it (scarlet also does this quite often, u can see her wearing gloves in her introduction)) she doesnt have her ears pierced and now cant, because itd close up / reject immediately. (doesnt have them pierced bc she was always nervous about people ripping them out but more importantly just wouldnt be interested in wearing earrings) these are all really mundane facts. alive she was pretty neurotic about staying healthy (not bc she cares abt it for the sake of her wellbeing just parental influence 2 b perfect form 4 vampire murder always as long as possible) but she drinks a little more than she'd like to admit. (alcohol, not blood, though she drinks more blood than she'd like to admit, too. I guess. which isnt very much) is a little insecure about her nose crinkle when its pointed out but doesnt think about it outside of that. wears tall shoes so she can feel taller 2 the detriment of her ankles. works out exclusively from home refuses to do so in public spaces. she doesnt have much basic knowledge of subjects outside of tha supernatural... shes a little out of touch with non vampire hunter life, forgets most people actually dont think about vampires very much. after being forced to watch tv or movies she wont admit whether or not she likes something until the person she watched it with shares their opinion and she will lie accordingly (otherwise embarrassed) likes to be taken care of but wont let anyone take care of her becasue as you can see, shes LIKE THAT. modern day 2023 despite being much less pathetic, avery still tosses and turns all night (day) and scarlet has to put some weird asmr roleplay you're a worm and im making you a terrarium to thrive in (whispered) 3+ hour long youtube video in front of her to get any sleep. scarlet would totally make asmr actually. she'd make you're a wooden spork that i'm carving (DIY asmr, soft spoken). averys favourite blood type is A, not bc a for avery just because it tastes better to her. she doesnt know that in canon though. shes very intense about taking agnes to the vet whenever she does anything weird, shes always fine though and avery just gets got with vet bills. she found her in the bin. bin cat. meow. did i say that before? i think mightve sorry if that isnt fresh lore. avery & scarlet miss being warm it rly sucks being cold all the time. like. obviously. but like damn. that must suck, I hate being cold.

anyway I could go on.

the claws r naturally black but tbh she should paint them different colours 2 cope with the despair. theyre so inconvenient. she needs some kinda positive association with them. she has to custom order gloves to cover them up, cant just buy normal gloves bc the claws just. go through. they need to have a little point for her claws like little finger scabbards (she doesnt have claws on her feet but her toenails r also black 2 match. no reason other than i think itd look weird if they didnt. no intention of drawing her without socks on though so it doesnt matter-thats some lore.... other lore, the discoloured hands (like the greyness in some drawings i've posted) is a thing on its own aside from the claws, and does go away, but the claws are permanent. i think i said that though.

#asks #sorry this is just mundane stuff like avery likes 5x tables best

[bricommissions]

Hii there!! *slides in* I also wanna join the matchmaking soo here I am!! I am a 17(soon 18 in a few weeks) yr old who uses they/them, I don't really have a preference,, and uh I'm one of those losers with no friends who have nothing to do in life and is an anti-social, just too scared to make friends yk... like what if they find me creepy/weird, but sometimes I have random people to do book recommendations with!! I think I'm used on being alone but I kinda want a friend tbh, and online I don't have that much friends too, but it's (not) fine since I use playing videogames + any of my hobbies as a distraction, I guess I tutor some of my classmates/people online sometimes since I'm bored and they probably have better chances on actually moving forward in life, but if possible could I get paired with book enstars and genshin? Thank you in advance aaa

hello hello, thank you for sending something in and a happy early birthday to you :D

DRUM ROLL, PLEASE . . .

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

FOR ENSEMBLE STARS : HIIRO AMAGI !!

hiiro is a very kind & open-minded young man who would have no problem becoming your friend right off the bat. he wouldn't find you weird at all !! he likes to learn, so i imagine you both meet when tutoring some other idols your age with their schoolwork. he's eager to learn, & he's easy to work with since he understands your method of tutoring. you don't realize he considers you a friend until he tells you as much after a study session. hiiro tells you that he enjoys spending time with you & receving book reccomendations. he tell you that not a single book you've reccomended has been boring to him & that he's lucky to have a friend like you.

the alkaloid leader picks up on your boredness when running into you outside of a tutoring session one evening. he remembers that you told him you enjoy video games, so you introduce him to several games you like per his request. you both develop this habit of playing video games together after working on schoolwork if he doesn't have plans with alkaloid. those moments together allow the both of you to grow much closer !! it wasn't too present before, but the more time you spend together, the more you grow nervous in a good way to be in hiiro's presence. i'm talkin' butterflies. you think he feels the same way because of the redness that matches the hair on his cheeks whenever you tell him that you're grateful for the time you spend together.

it's hard to hold hands while playing video games, so hiiro starts placing his hand on top of yours during tutoring sessions whenever you're comfortable with it. he may or may not have received advice on romantic crushes from aira shiratori. through various hobbies, you become nearly inseperable because of how enamored hiiro is with you; he doesn't think a single negative thought about you. when you two start dating out of the blue because of a heartfelt confession from hiiro, everyone is happy for the both of you. your relationship is comfortable & full of pure love !!

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

FOR GENSHIN IMPACT : CHONGYUN !!

i think the both of you would be able to connect deeply on the front of not wanting others to perceive you in a weird way. you both don't want to come across as creepy for different reasons. as for chongyun, it's mostly because he's associated with the act of exorcising evil spirits.

for the purpose of story, let's say you live in liyue. you made unlikely friends with xiangling a while ago & she notices the two of you had quite a few similarities over time. the chef figured you two would get along swimmingly, & that you did !! you were able to connect about several things since you both fear that people find you creepy. because of that, you will both reassure one another since you Understand that struggle. chongyun grows quite attached to you since you are the one who understands him best besides his best friend & aunt. he spends a lot of time with you.

you've offered him book reccomendations on books about spirits & he always thanks you profusely, reading them from cover to cover rather quickly. he ends up pulling you further into the friend group composed of xiangling, xingqiu, & himself. xiangling points out how chongyun seems to treat you differently than he treats his friends. that's where it all starts, because apparently xingqiu is giving chongyun romantic advice from the best romance novels he has read so far.

the exorcist ends up asking you on a sweet date to eat amongst the qingxin flowers in the mountains. you cook a meal for a picnic with him in chef mao's kitchen with xiangling's aide. she's the best at hyping you up !! you both enjoy the food with the sunset & breathtaking view ahead. that won't be the last time the two of you share a pleasant date like that !!

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

THANK YOU FOR READING !!

if you're the person that sent this & are unsatisfied with the results, feel free to shoot me an ask or im !!

if you'd like to receive one of these yourself, they are still open at the moment. please refer to THIS POST if you're interested.

if you liked my writing, please consider commissioning me !! it is my only source of income at the moment. i offering writing commissions such as custom character x reader fics, comfort character emails, ship fics, & more <3

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

#anonymous #hiiro amagi #hiiro x reader #hiiro x y/n #hiiro x you #enstars #ensemble stars #enstars x you #enstars x reader #enstars x y/n #ensemble stars x y/n #enstars!! #ensemble stars!! #ensemble stars x reader #ensemble stars x you #chongyun #chongyun x reader #chongyun x you #chongyun x y/n #genshin impact #genshin impact x reader #genshin impact imagines #ensemble stars imagines #enstars imagines #genshin x you #genshin impact reader insert #enstars reader insert #enesmble stars reader insert #genshin x reader #genshin x y/n

[munsons-maiden]

If Hawkins were a bigger town, I'd agree that there's no way Eddie gets no girls.

I live in a small-but-not-that-small town and used to be friends with people like Eddie and there was a fairly big community of nerdy metalheads, both boys and girls.

But Hawkins seems to be a one-highschool/everyone-knows-everyone kinda place, and if Eddie was branded "The Freak", I guess his reputation preceded him with the ladies 🥲

Okay I answered this one yesterday but it somehow never left my ask box so thank you for that, tumblr, I guess I’ll type it up again🙄😂

Yes, I 100% agree with you.

I’ll explain why I hc him as inexperienced or a virgin since I feel like a lot of people think it’s because of the typical “he’s a nerd and nerds don’t get laid“ (which is not what I believe in general and not the reason for my hc so I’m taking this ask as a chance to dive into the matter, bear with me please😂)

80s Hawkins doesn’t seem to have any metalheads/nerds outside of Hellfire tbh, and the way people are so quick to jump on Jason’s hate train against the club implies the typical “we’re scared of everything we don’t know” - which implies there isn’t really a nerd/metalhead etc. community in Hawkins apart from Hellfire.

It’s not an easy environment for someone like Eddie, and we already see his hackles are constantly raised when it comes to how people perceive him. He’s not aggressive, because Eddie is far too kind and soft to be aggressive, but his default is cautious and defensive, which is understandable because the cafeteria scene, it’s whole context and all the little details I only ever noticed during what had to be my 5th or 6th rewatch, clearly establish how he’s being met with so much scorn and derision by his peers.

In the woods, his first conclusion to Chrissy’s obvious unease is that she must be scared of him/uneasy in his presence which implies that people outside of Hellfire usually are; and the way he says “hunt the freak, right?“ in the boathouse as well as “we’re the freaks“ in the cafeteria scene heavily implies Eddie isn’t simply branded as a freak but the freak, and he hates it. As much as he wears being a freak as his armor, it still bugs him because he knows there is so much more to him.

His fear to be prematurely judged and then mocked is obvious again when he talks to Steve in the UD. He’s cautious, yet it’s obvious how emotionally intelligent, kind and genuine Eddie is that he opens up about being jealous etc. with Steve, who, as far as Eddie knows, might still be or at least definitely was part of the popular crowd of bullies. Yet Eddie realizes “hey I might have judged this guy a little too prematurely“ and proceeds to try and establish some kind of bond. And he’s super awkward and nervous, trying hard not to come across too hpyed and “weird” about metal and Black Sabbath when it’s obvious he’d love to be hyped about it because Steve - unconcsiously! - gives Eddie the feeling he’s being weird again. My heart always bleeds for Eddie in this scene tbh because it perfectly sums up how people see him, even the people who are on his side.

That’s the bigger picture I’m thinking of when hc him as completely or at least very inexperienced. I don’t even think it matters to him if he’s inexperienced or not. I mean yes he’s a 19 to 21 years old young man so he definitely thinks about sex - but I don’t think it’s very important to him (what we’ve seen of Eddie heavily implies that it wouldn’t be just about the physical intimacy for him but the emotional one, about someone seeing him the way he is without judging him, someone who gives him the safe space to actually be himself and show his soft side; it’s about a real romantic relationship). I think what bugs him is the general way people never give him a chance to show his true colors because all they see are his appearance and his hobbies and they automatically meet him with scorn or mock or alarm. Especially since it’s tiny little small-minded 80s Hawkins.

His inexperience (the way I hc it because of all these things) is a direct result of the general way people see and treat him for being so different, and I think if it bugs him to be inexperienced, it’s not the inexperience itself but the way that nobody ever gives him a chance, in any way.

I hope that makes as much sense to you as it does to me but I felt the need to clarify why I hc him as inexperienced, and to be clear about the fact that it’s not me referring to the typical and unwarranted nerds-are-virgins stereotype but the specific context of Eddie and 80s Hawkins 🖤

#kiki answers #eddie munson

[daeva-agas]

Aizen sonnet

With the recent update, Aizen has a sonnet now LOL...

(Aizen route summary here)

MC was just returning home from Kusanagi’s, and while passing by some shops she spotted Aizen. She went in the shop to say hi. He was holding a woman’s hat and then he asked for her opinion.

MC starts panicking, but then Mrs Ooyama pops up. She was the one shopping for hats and MC is relieved (MC please, don’t worry about Aizen LMAO, he’s too antisocial). Mrs Ooyama complains to MC that Aizen has not been very helpful because every time she asked for his opinion, he always says everything looks great.

Aizen: “But I really do think so.” Mrs Ooyama: “You just don’t understand a woman’s feelings.”

Anyway, she ends up buying two hats and an extra gift for MC. Mrs Ooyama then had to leave for another appointment, and Aizen offers to escort her, but she tells him to not stand on ceremony and just foisted him off on MC. 

Aizen offers to treat MC to a meal for her troubles, and she invited him over to her house, but he said that’d mean he’d be imposing on her. So she suggested going to his place instead. Aizen was a bit surprised, and says he’s got nothing to really treat her with and she regrets it, because she knows Aizen is not comfortable with people getting in his private life/private space. She starts backtracking, but Aizen says it’s fine. 

In the card stories there is a cafe that Aizen and MC sometimes hang out at, but I guess in main story timeline she doesn’t know that place yet LOL. 

Aizen’s house. 

He brings out some tea, and then MC opens the gift that Mrs Ooyama got her. It was an imported necklace and MC panics about how expensive it is, but Aizen tells her it would make Mrs Ooyama happy if she just accepted the gift (panicking/apologizing about the gift would just make the giver feel bad). 

She fumbles the clasp, and Aizen helps her put it on. He apologized for not being good with delicate stuff, but he managed it just fine (I’m a bit confused by this, because I’m not sure how complicated could a necklace clasp possibly be, even in the year 1900?) and MC starts worrying that he might have been associating with other women who are better than her and so on.

He tells her the necklace looks good on her, but because she’s still having weird thoughts, MC says “really?”

Aizen: “You don’t believe what I say too?”

He says that with a troubled face, so MC feels bad. She admits to being worried about “other ladies” to which he responds that she’s the first woman he’s ever invited to his house. He says he doesn’t usually like other people in his private space, but she’s the exception. He wants to let her in.

MC gets flustered and says thanks. Aizen adds that he’d have to thank Mrs Ooyama for letting them have this moment. 

MC: WHAT DOES HE MEAN BY THAT

She doesn’t know what to say, so she just awkwardly says “this is a nice day”, and he says “That it is”.

MC: “He’s still doing that”

And the story just ends there. 

---------------------

This is such a disaster pair hahaha, because even when Aizen gets nervous and is being self-conscious, he has such a deadpan face that MC perceives it as a rejection or him being uncomfortable of her “intrusion”. Like when she wants to visit his place, he doesn’t mind, he’s just being like “Oh no, I don’t have food/cookies/whatever to offer to MC”. 

And then when he says nice things it comes out sounding like a tease, but MC always thinks it’d be “out of character” for him to be a tease (he’s been like this since the first birthday card LOL), and makes her panic even harder. Even I as a reader can’t tell sometimes. One of his voice lines that you can farm from the bonds was essentially “feed me plz”, pffft, and I don’t know if this was on purpose or...

#aizen route #ayakoi #ayakashirr #ayakashi koi meguri

[the-amalgam-house]

I'm still having problems with allowing literally anyone else front even when I really really REALLY want to. Idk I just get really nervous.

One time when Grey fronted and fam knew about it, it scared Nina and tbh that happening exactly once really just. Scared everyone. Nina is extremely important to me, and how she sees me and reacts to me is extremely important. Causing her to have an anxiety attack is a terrible feeling.

On the opposite end, Kanon is extremely chill about it. Like to the point of seeming disinterest? I guess we collectively appreciate that she isn't weird about it, but 9 times out of 10 a switch means there's distress, and idk sometimes I feel like not acknowledging that feels like being ignored? Idk what I even want with this whole situation.

But like also... I still think I'm faking it pretty often. Or I guess not FAKING per se since one typically knows when they're pulling a ruse, but rather that it isn't real and I'm just delusional or something. I know I've lost time and I've heard at least Greyson clear as day and that I can tell when I'm co-fronting in the passenger seat instead of being the wheel...but I still feel a denial and shame that I really really hate. I WANT to let my roommates experience life as much as they can, you know? I understand not wanting to front cause dysphoria and dysmorphia reasons so I still take the title of body owner but like. Idk I worry about anyone being out front who has those problems running into the issue of like....how do I word it?

Like I'm here and this body is a 35 year old short fat white man with a receding hairline and ugly patchy beard. How does that come across when Belly, who is a 4 year old bird boy, just wants to play and be a kid? How do I just allow that to happen when all of us are collectively perceived as said 35 year old man? How would Noey feel being a 14 year old little black girl to be fronting in this 35 year old white body? How can I allow anyone to feel the pain of race/gender/height/species/etc dysphoria via this weird lumpy fat pale meat person that doesn't match ANYONE'S true self in this body??

I want to feel safe enough to unmask on all fronts but I don't. I don't feel safe to do so around anyone, except MAYBE Kanon. It's so frustrating.

#toby talk

[canongf-archive]

hey this is weird but i wanted to ask someone who seems good at advice - is it wrong that my bf isn't really in on my selfshipping? i don't see it as cheating, i love him v much and can separate silly fictional fun from reality, it's more just that he's a 'real' creator (worldbuilding, fic, original content) so i'm worried he'd look down on me for being so selfindulgent i guess? i'm not very subtle and have talked about an ocxcanon pairing before, he has some himself and seems decently cool w selfship (he sent me a funny post once w/ the term f/o in so i think he Knows on some level) but he doesn't know about my sideblog or anything and i dunno, i feel bad that i'm afraid to let him in on something so important to me but as w/ most of my obsessions i somehow feel less silly talking to total strangers than people who actually know me lmao, is this a problem? any thoughts would be appreciated </3

i think you and your boyfriend are the only people that can decide if this is a problem or not, anon! 💗

i completely understand why you're hesitant to share this part of your life with him... it's really vulnerable! and being that vulnerable with someone you know and care for is scary! you're opening yourself up to the feeling of judgement and rejection! i get that! i don't blame you! and ultimately! it is completely up to you whether you decide to share this part of yourself with him or not.

but honestly, he sounds really cool! and it sounds like you have a good relationship with him! and if you're considering telling him, i think you should. i think you should tell him exactly what you told me (or at least something similar), that you're nervous about opening up about this because you're scared it'll be perceived as too self indulgent or as something negative, but that it's a big part of your life and you want to share it with him. give him all the information and give him the opportunity to be good to you!

one of two things will happen! he won't think negatively of you or of this at all, even if he doesn't completely understand he'll be excited that you're sharing this part of yourself with him and he'll support you! or! he will think negatively, he will think it's self indulgent, he won't appreciate what it meant for you to open up and share this part of yourself with him... and it might be a sign that he's not the right person for you. because you deserve to be seen and understood and supported in every part of your life and in every aspect of who you are, including this one.

whatever you decide, anon, how much to tell him, how to tell him, when to tell him, if you even wanna tell him at all... that's all up to you. it's up to you to decide if it's a problem or not. you know how you feel and you know your boyfriend, and you just gotta listen to your heart and do what feels true to you! 💗

#it's all gonna work out my friend!!! #sending u love and peace!!! #advice.ask #anon

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

yknow it's funny how people perceive you and how you (or personality tests lmao) perceive yourself/you. like last week at my cadetship grad, the manager of it said in her blurb about me, that I was "naturally shy and quiet, but she came out of her shell, eventually"... some of the people in the group around this time last year found out that if you load me up on wine and shots, that im super loud, kinda obnoxious, and wild... and kept trying to drag me back out on town in sydney.... and to also say "im the sexiest bitch here!!!!" even to their families lmao... someone in the course even called me "charismatic" in feedback, and it stayed with me for the rest of the program.

from years 7-10 (early to mid high school in 2008-2011), I was known for being all edgy, wild "not giving a fuck what people think about you" and "marching to your own drum", weird, loud, funny..... you get the picture.... at the catholic school I was at.

back then, i was NEVER deemed as quiet or "shy" or "introverted" or "keeps to herself" etc etc.... actually, by year 10, when lame buzzfeed and other personality quiz sites started to spit out that I was introverted and gave me other readings that weren't extroverted (eg. I remember doing one about "what aussie animal are you???" and it gave me koala (extremely introverted, shy, and sleepy) instead of kookaburra or cockatoo (which were both extreme examples of extroversion))..... I got SO FUCKING ANGRY that those quizzes were basically calling me a killjoy and boring, bc I was a koala who was the above listed characteristics. like hell, my drama class kept telling me to pursue comedy or do stand up (im not that funny tbh, in hindsight) bc I was just so talkative, loud and such a show off jackass that.... yeah, I might as well be a stand-up comic, throw it at me.

but then, when I moved schools in 2012 to public school, I played the precocious, diligent, modest/placid (except for my group), and timid former catholic school girl they thought I was (but really wasn't- we all know how) so well for my teachers.... that I basically got asked frequently by my bio teacher before I went to tafe every second thursday, "I really can't see how you EVER excelled in drama, when you're so flighty and nervous???? what were your marks like??? you never talk in this class or get up and address the school, like a drama kid would..... what do you mean you were nearly a straight A student in drama??? what on earth??? again, you're so introverted and thoughtful here at *insert the schools name here* that you possibly couldn't excel in that subject????"

like mr garrel, pls consider that I HATE biology and resent this line of questioning very much. also, NEVER say any of that to my drama teacher, I'm sure he'd fight you at this point. moreover, consider that drama isn't in the subject selection for my year. plus, y'all need funding for new drama room equipment, so that's why I'm quiet. and finally, I've learnt that being the loud show-off, weird, "you march to your own drum" girl for the ENTIRE year group for the first 4 years of high school, was much too tiring.... so now I just limit it to my friend group only.

now, back in the present day.... yesterday, I did a chatbot interview for kmart. where after I answered the 5 questions of it, it emailed me the "personality insights" from my answers. one of the insights basically said that, "you have no problem being the centre of attention, and you generally gravitate towards people who have the same energy as you. but have you ever considered piping the fuck down??? bc this may scare people, bc you seem not to let them voice their opinions. learn to sit and listen to others more often and dim your natural Loud Personality™️. "

like, I guess it's "I contain multitudes" and everything else, where you turn on different parts of your personality for different situations. like at work last year, I very much wanted to be left alone to do my fucking assessments.... and eventually, wanted to get out into the field to do home visits (inspections) and shit for my assessments.... but the place I worked at deemed me "too shy" for fieldwork, and just stuck me on back office phones for the entire rest of my cadetship.

but throw me into the cadetship group, and everyone always made me the leader of group projects or activities with powerpoints (when quite a few of them already knew how to use powerpoint, but they didn't want to do it.... so they just passed it onto me and called me the "powerpoint whiz")... and obvs the one night where a few of them got me wasted and met Loud Ilona™️ , that I started this post with.

and I know work is NOT the place to be my super extroverted performer self, so I'll get quiet and mousy in the back... and most esp in the trainee/cadet position I was in.... bc that's how I learn most of the time. by being quiet and thoughtful and methodical (while also being impulsive).... which that place (and also the kmart test picked this up through "you're easily distracted and that ruins productivity. pls consider staying on task and caring about productivity levels") really didn't want me to be.

anyway, yeah. it's something I'll always be wary about, how my personality presents itself to different people.... and also what mood I'm in when I do personality tests or job interviews. also the

#life #about me #shut up ilona #ilona yaps about her life

[stardust-static]

I have to try on wedding dresses tomorrow, and I'm surprisingly nervous about it.

Originally it was just going to be a day for my bridesmaids to try on dresses but my mom and sister insist that I try on dresses too. So I've got an appointment at a bridal boutique in the morning. Even though I don't feel ready. I feel like everyone wants me to be so excited about the dress situation and I'm just not there yet. I'm still on this weight loss journey and still feeling weird about my body. Funny how I'm so close to 100 lbs down and still feeling this way. I mean I'm so proud of myself and happy with how far I've come, but I still have work to do. However, I can't wait till the last minute to pick out a dress and everyone is excited to see me in a dress. So I'm going with it and hopefully tomorrow I'll feel more like a pretty bride. I'm also very picky about the dress. I've done so much online browsing. I have two certain styles that I love and I only want one of the two. The first is a bishop sleeved ball gown with tons of lace and sparkle and the other is an off the shoulder sleeved ball gown (think belle's ball gown) with (again) lots of lace and sparkle. I'm obsessed with tiny intricate details and I want lots of them! Most of the boutiques I've found that carry such gowns are more so out towards LA, and I don't want to make all my bridesmaids travel so far out that way. Since some of them have small babies to care for. So I guess it will be nice to have this day going to a more local boutique where they can all see me trying on dresses. As all of them probably won't get to see me pick out the one I truly want. I looked up this place we're going to tomorrow. Pretty dresses! But none of them quite hit the mark for me. Who knows though! I could be totally wrong and find my dream dress there. We're keeping an open mind! I've just never done anything like this before. I'm not really a "hey, everyone look at me!" Type of person and I don't like shopping with other people typically. For clothes anyway.. so this will be interesting. This whole wedding thing is just one big "hey, everyone look at me!" Kind of event, and Bailey and I are just two reclusive human beings who don't wish to be perceived. So this will be interesting! I already told him that we're going to write our own personal vows, but there's no way I'm reading them in front of everyone. I said we can exchange them privately. 😅 He agreed.

But yeah anyway.. I'm nervous about tomorrow. I'm way more excited to see my bridesmaids try on dresses. I just hope I feel like a bride when I put on the dresses, 'ya know? I bought a bunch of stuff to feel more 'bridely' today. I bought shapewear and one of those sticky bras, but then I'm thinking like is the sales associate going to want to be in the dressing room with me where I just have on these crazy high waisted underwear and chicken cutlet things on my boobs? 'cause they like have to help you put on the dress, right? Ugh.. that would be so weird for me. I'll probably be sweating, because I do that when I'm nervous. So yeah.. If that's the case then my mom can help me. I don't know.. I'm overthinking things, surely it will be fine. I instacarted a whole new face of makeup worth of products for this occasion. Was that necessary? Probably not, but the foundation I've been using is a little sticky and I'm scared of it possibly transferring onto an expensive dress. So I had to get a new foundation and I got a lip stain because I'm afraid of my lipstick doing the same thing, and now I wish I would have got contacts because I don't know if I'll feel like a bride in spectacles.. but I can't see very much without them, so they're kind of necessary. I'll just have to get real close up to the mirror. I should definitely make an appointment though so I have contacts for my LA dress try on and the wedding. I even bought a white sundress so these people know I'm the bride. I instacarted new earrings (that will look nice with wedding dresses) as well, and some glue on nails because my nails look atrocious right now. I got some stuff for my hair to hopefully make it behave when I inevitably get sweaty and it wants to curl and frizz up on me. Anyway.. this is where we're at today, void. I'll let you know how it goes.

[mrs-kelly]

Ajdkdfl how come when I do something nice for someone I get so shaky and knee-knocky lol

#one of my coworkers did me a huge solid the past few days so i bought him a candy bar #and i got all shaky ajdkdl #i guess i just get nervous about being perceived as weird?? #for doing something nice??? #i guess?? that's weird lol #ren speaks #off brand ren cereal