#i get i have ptosis but idk

[ethereal-lix]

rant time, so if you dont wanna hear this just keep scrolling... (also i would just suggest scrolling anyways cause i just wanna get this off my chest) 

So wow, i had my sister cut my bangs for me tonight and i hate it so much !!! its literally the worst. my bangs are too short and i dont like them. like i already have to hide my eyes behind my bangs because i hate them and i hide my face behind my hair bc i am just so ugly. and now i cant even do that bc my bangs are too short and now everyone is gonna see my eyes and i really really really hate that. I have ptosis, which is a droopy eyelid, and it really sucks bc my eye lids arent even. i have one eyelid that is normal and open like a regular eyelid should be but my other one is just like there. like my eye lid droops. and it looks like my eye hooded, kinda like when your tired and your eyes just kinda close but not all the way, idk how to explain it. if you really wanna know what it looks like just google droopy eyelids. and to make things worse, i have Marcus Gunn Jaw-Wink syndrome, and thats where the eye muscle is connected to the jaw muscle and basically anytime i open my mouth my eye winks. (the same eye that has ptosis is the eye with jaw wink) and if i wasnt already insecure about my eye this just makes it worse. like i cant even laugh without my eye closing up and idk how to explain it, but i have one normal eye and one thats basically a freak of nature bc its so rare. i think only 5% of people in the world have it, so like 1 in every like 200,000 people have it. its so rare that i once had an eye doctor who has never seen it in his 20+ years of being a doctor. like its really rare and obviously i get made fun of for it. to this day i still have people asking me questions like “whats wrong with your eye?” “is your eye okay?” “why do you have a lazy eye?” Like im sorry ??? what??? are you seriously asking me this?? and these questions come from grown ass men. ive had people make fun of me by trying to “droop” their eye like mine, theyve made weird faces trying to imitate what my eye does when i eat and let me tell you it really sucks, because i cant even smile without having to worry about my eye, and of course when i get tired my eye droops even more and its uggggggh i have no idea how to explain it and it just really sucks because i cant hide my eye from the world and thats all i wanna do it just hide it so people dont ask me about it or make fun of me. Like i cant even have someone take a photo of me bc if i cant see how my eye looks i cant fix it so its more open and no matter how hard i try to fix it i cant unless im the one taking the photo and god it just makes me even uglier than i already am. like imagine already being ugly and then having a droopy eye lid so people can make fun of you cause you cant physically keep your eye open all the way, and then have a rare syndrome thing where if you just open your mouth your eye involuntarily opens. and god forbid im tired cause then my eye is even worse, like i just wish i had normal eyes and didnt have to worry about being made fun of cause it sucks. it sucks so much  

[thisspringday]

Tagged by @btsugaplums — thank you dearest ♥

Are you named after someone? I go by Rae, which is actually my middle name, and it’s my grandma’s middle name.  So kind of? :)

When was the last time you cried? An hour and a half ago lmfao

Do you like your handwriting? Yes and no?  Sometimes it’s nice, other times it’s trash Idk.

What’s your favorite lunch meat? I don’t eat meat besides fish so uh.  Tuna?

Do you have kids? @possiblypidge is my child.  And I have about 50 other adopted children but yeah.  Lacie is my child.  (’:

If you were another person, would you be friends with yourself? Uhm.  Plead the fifth?

Do you use sarcasm? What’s sarcasm?  Never used it in my life, fam.

Do you still have your tonsils? I’m getting them removed soon.  ;;;

Would you bungee jump? Fuck to the no.

What is your favorite kind of breakfast cereal? I dunno tbh.  I don’t eat cereal much and the type of cereal I like/want completely depends on my mood.

Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Nope.  Granted, I don’t wear sneakers often anyhow—but no.

Do you think you’re a strong person? Uh.  Physically?  No.  Mentally?  Yeah, I guess.  Emotionally?  Not at all.  lmao

What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Hmm... chocolate chip cookie dough?  Or like, anything chocolate + fruity.

What is the first thing you notice about people? Eyes or lips.

Red or pink? Red—like a dark red tho.

What is your least favorite physical thing about you? My feet.  I have wide feet.

What color pants and shoes are you wearing now? No shoes, and for once I’m actually wearing pants—black sweats with “Ravenclaw” on the thigh in blue lmao

What was the last thing you ate? I ate a veg-chicken sandwich last night?  All I’ve had today is milk and it’s 3pm rip.

What are you listening to right now? Fingertip (by Gfriend).  I’m so addicted to this song.  (Since I answered this, my playlist cycled through Bermuda Triangle - Zico & Dean & Crush, Movie’s Over - Block B, and How Have You Been - Luizy.)

If you were a crayon, what colour would you be? Realistically?  Black or a really dark grey.  Preferably?  A really deep purple.

Favourite smell? Pine is one of my favourites, but I also like those really light fruity or fresh scents too.

Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone? I spoke to my mother’s voicemail like an hour ago so I mean.

Favorite sport to watch? Baseball.  It’s the only sport I actually give a shit about.

Hair color? Dyed black.

Eye color? Blue/Green/Grey—it’s complicated.

Do you wear contacts? Fuck no.  I’m practically blind but contacts are so uncomfortable lmao.  Granted, it might be because I have ptosis in my left eye so it’s not recommended I have contacts anyhow.  I’m all about my glasses tbh.

Favorite food to eat? (: Sushi.  Or really anything Asian or seafood related.  I’m lowkey addicted.  (I also really love Italian.)

Scary movies or comedy? Considering I watch horror movies to destress and I hate comedy movies more often than not, scary movies all the way.

Last movie you watched? Uhm.  I... don’t remember?  I think it was Train to Busan.  (Fuck me and my heart.)

Summer or winter? Autumn.

Hugs or kisses? Err... this is hard.  Both.  Really long warm hugs are the best but like cuddling and just really soft kisses—ahhh.

What book are you currently reading? Frankenstein.  It’s for school.  I haven’t picked up a new book in a while—granted, that doesn’t mean I’m not reading.  (Fanfiction may have become my primary source of reading material as of late).

Who do you miss right now? Those who I went to Anaheim with. @sondersuga like fucking crazy.  And I have since the moment I started walking towards Hannah’s car after iHop.  ;;; @hungline to an insane amount, especially after our convo in PMs last night (as much as I loved it, it made me miss you fifty thousand times more).  You better come to Vegas soon or come down to SoCal once I move I need to see you again, Rosie.

What is on your mousepad? It’s this really colourful/rainbow flower & nature abstract pattern.  Really pretty~

What is the last tv program you watched? Realistically?  The Wiggles or Powerpuff Girls—the life of a babysitter.  But beyond those, Black Mirror was the last one I sat down and actually watched.

What is the best sound? This is... really hard.

Rolling Stones or Beatles? Beatles.

What is the furthest you have ever travelled? Cleveland, Ohio — I live in Las Vegas.

Do you have a special talent? Is writing considered a special talent?  Because that’s about all I can do alright.  I guess my video editing is okay too lmao

Where were you born? Las Vegas, Nevada (’:

Tagging: @bangtans-snail @sondersuga @hugmetae @portscutie @hungline @joonphases @suga-peaches and basically anyone else who wants to.

#mine #tagged #^^; #i actually did a tag for once #it's a miracle

[merkwurdiig]

How to not want to kill yourself on your birthday.

Today is my birthday and I haven’t figured this out yet. I look down at my obsurdly long and fat body while I walk to my squatting place with just my things and an air mattress alone. I have nothing and I want to be nowhere I sent to be no one, non existent. I’m 24 and I have nothing going on with my life. I’m currently eating saltines in my car to avoid luis who’s being “artsy” in his room.

I never thought I’d resent his existence as much as I do now. He’s so aloof and flippant. I also hate him bc he’s making $28/hr and is stingy af. At first he was so welcoming and expressed how much he wanted me to be here and how he’d help. Well why am I broke, eating only bread and soup? Like yeah i should be happy that I’m getting any food but this is torture. He’s also so unwoke it’s fucked up. Like he wants to expell this poor 3rd grader with behaviors but never in my life would I give up on a child like that. He also thinks it’s sneaky of women to want to marry rich and thinks lowly of those who have children for money. He doesn’t understand how hard it is to be a woman. Surely if he were one he’d never pass such harsh judgment on those who are just trying to survive on this planet.

Every year I’ve come to hate my birthday. Especially since my 18th golden birthday, where my sisters threw me a surprise birthday party and only 4 of my friends came, mickey, Whitney, and i don’t remember who else but it was humiliating honestly. Everyone who I thought was my friend didn’t show up for me. No one ever shows up for me. Maybe just Joanna? She’s truely ride or die.

Any who I’m poor on my 24th i have a 10hr/week job which I have yet to start and haven’t heard from the other one yet. I’ve missed 2 car payments and student loan payments. My tcf account is -166$ overdraft and my wells Fargo is -.90$ overdraft and my Venmo is -390$ overdraft. My sister tried to Venmo me $15 for my birthday. I know I should be grateful but like $15?!? And my mom said she’d try to send me money in 2 weeks but it will probably be like $15 too. Being born into poverty is so maddening. Asking for money from someone who has nothing is awful but I have even less than nothing. I can’t pay any of my bills and I am so lost. And I tried sending my sisters $15 back and my account is froze on Venmo. Hopefully they’ll send it back.

I signed up for a SA account thinking this is my last resort. To sleep with old men and get money. Sell myself which is all I have left to some gross man who can’t find anyone so they have to pay them. I have a lunch date tomorrow with this guy and I’m hoping he’ll give me an allowance. I need the money so bad. And finding jobs here in Boston is so hard. Like for the position that Im looking for requires a masters. And I was doing that work with just a bachelors in Minneapolis. I feel like I’ll never find a chemistry job here. If I had the money I’d just drive back home. And do what? Idk but I just want to die. I’m tired of being in this body. I’m tired of thinking about the future. A future where I’ll inevitably be alone and poor. I can’t even look men that I find attractive in the eye. And even when it’s perfectly set up for me I mess it up with my nerves. I even got my boobs chopped and screwed so men can think it’s more attractive than my previously sad saggy ptosis boobs.

I’m always anxious. I can’t shake it. And it’s definitely bc of my financial situation and I can’t do anything about it. I have so much debt and it was everything I didn’t want to have. Like I got through most of college without credit cards now I’m -5k for United -4K for AA -750 for discover and - 4K for southwest and -700 for Kohl’s. And that’s not even including my student loans. What a waste to get a chemistry degree. I hate all of my decisions. I really thought I was going down the right path. Now the only path I see now is death.

Idk how I’ll do it but hopefully it’s painless.