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#i gaslight myself enough i dont need him to 'help out'
h0pelessromanticz · 9 months
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((Because i dont see enough of vunrable alhaitham where he breaks so im doing it myself, also note i headcanon alhaithams parents to both struggle with ASPD so they literally only raised alhaitham to act like a machine and that human emostions were treated forgin since alhaitham ended up being autistic, aka his parents werent exactly nice))
Alhaitham had arrived home late, the meeting as the grand sage he had went to had went on for way longer then he wanted. it didnt help that eariler in that week his headphones had been damaged during a fight with some mercenaries in the dessert. Alhaithams whole body felt heavy his headphones were almost a coping mechanism at this point for the poor scribe. It had 2 functions he could alter between the two, one where he'd blast music or audio booklets or the other which would drown out all sound to stop him from having what his parents called chemical imbalance tantrums. Alhaitham could feel that damn nagging in his heart that he hated so much. After all he was raised that these emostions were futile and only hindered progress, he hadn't been rasised to know that emostions were natural and that no matter how much you fight it evenetually the dam wall holding the water could only fill so much before it bursted and this week was definitely testing it. not that alhaitham was aware of that. The scibe was like a knowledge machine but completely oblivious to his own mental needs or emostinal well being.
Any time a smidge of emostion fronted its face he'd shove it right back down into the deepest depths of his subconscious. The only emostion that seemed to ever butt its head that alhaitham wouldn't shove done was the rare temper of his anger. He had learnt his lesson about bottling that up. It would front its fangs threatening to devour him like it did that one night him and his roomate kaveh fought. He had bottled it up and after that night alhaitham had never bottled up anger again. That night scared him. The way his headphones flashed red his eyes blurring into a red cloud. The way his body moved without his control. He never wanted to feel that way ever again. However he would never let anyone know and would lie to himself about it. Groaning the scribe made his way to the kitchen to make some coffee, he still had paper work to do.
In a way alhaithams grandmother was the only one to truly understand him. She saw a small child too scared to show emotions because it was met with gaslighting, dissmisal, and being wrapped up to dumb brain functions and chemicals that he needed to control. Which wasnt humanily possible, she saw a child that had been broken into believing that human nature was a waste of time. alhaithams grandmother realised that his parents before they had passed were attempting to raise a shell of knowledge, something more like a machine, then a human who had a personality and heart, so she tried to make sure that anytime he accidentally let a true human emostion slip or let out what was seen as a childish behavior that she'd express how it was okay. However the damage had already been done and his brain cemetery had already been altered it made her upset to say in the least. Especially knowing how alhaitham had been diagnosed with autism, normal human beings struggled with emostions, nevermind a child and a child with autsim. a part of her feared what alhaithams parents had verbally or mentally done to this child. Knowing how much her son lacked basic empathy and humanity.
Pouring the coffee alhaithams ears rang uncomfortably as a door slammed shut and stomping sounds could be heard. Alhaithams heart sunk but his brain rolled its eyes. The 2 sides of him had been battling it out all week. Pushing and pulling in a endless dance. Alhaitham was usually logical,usually didnt dread when his roommates temper bursted through, however he took into consideration that he also always had his headset and for some reason now that he didnt he was finding it rather difficult to be logical at points, wanting to scream out a strange bubbling feeling in his chest, new sensations were felt this week that he hadn't felt since he was a child or ever. His brain had also started behaving strangly thoughts that werent rational nor practical popped in.
He chalked it up to some chemical imbalance and would get his blood tested to see his levels and take care of it. He wasn't even thinking or processing that maybe it was his subconscious starting to snap and break away, and that his usual machine like self was actually a mask he had worn, worn for so long he had forggoten to be human or at least act himan infront of others. But that was just it ,he was still human and his body was about feed up with the years of neglect and holding every emostion under his skin. So when kaveh started to go off about something as small as him forgetting his clothes on the drying string. Alhaitham sighed tsking. Which only earned a scuff and an explosion from his roommate.
It was strange kaveh was the complete opposite. he was a ball of emostions the furthest thing from a machine or alhaitham. But that was also a dangerous game. Kaveh couldn't believe it alhaitham was ignoring him again with that dumb sigh. Oh he could just ring him a new one, he had been acting different and it threw kaveh off his game. </p>
Alhaitham attempted to leave and head towards his room before this became an argument over nothing but was stopped by an even madder blond head of hair stomping in front of him blocking his path his arms on his waist, rambling off. Alhaitham was to exhausted and his ears had began ringing loudly as he was subconsciously becoming overestimated. Unfamiliar feelings came into play. alhaitham winced a bit his ears were psychically hurting and throbbing now whenever kaveh raised his voice louder. Right he had never not had his headphones available when they had their bickers. He could usually use his headset device to lower kavehs yelling so it was at a normal level. Alhaitham was just about done as he again attempted to leave only to be slightly shoved back into place.
Usually alhaitham would let his temper get the best of him and yell something and shove past his roommate to get kaveh to back. This time it was different the way kavehs touch stung and made his heart cry out scared alhaitham. His eyes widened surprised as he started to drown out kavehs yelling. It was almost like he was teleported to his subconscious who had a younger him shaking looking at him with tear filled eyes " we cant take this anymore its killing us, were not a machine please we cant hold everything in when are you gonna let yourself grieve" alhaitham scuffed at his subconscious younger self as if to downplay and gaslight himself once again in an attempt to remain in control. "Im scared...do we even know how to be human anymore" alhaitham felt his throat tighten a lump forming. He swallows hard "what of course we do!, dont be ridiculous" his younger self morphed into a child alhaitham sobbing as he just chuckled saddly threw the sobs "then why does everyone call us a machine or a robot, why cant i identify what im feeling" alhaithams eyes widened in pure shock his puplis shook as reality set in, he...he didnt know, as if on cue kaveh screams out taking alhaitham out of his transe like state
"GOD YOU REALLY ARE THE WORST YOU KNOW THAT, YOUR IGNORING ME! ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING YOU DAMN ROBOT!" kaveh clenched his teeth expecting a snark remark, a scream, something just not what happends next. Alhaitham just stood there and starts shaking. Alhaithams eyes are avoiding him? no eye contact thats not right. A small broken wobble escapes the scribes lips "stop.." kaveh wanted to lash out even more at this. what did he mean! That was until he saw the taller mans bottom lip ever so slightly quiver. This sent a shiver up the blondes spine. What was going on with haitham he had been stranger then normal all week. He gasped as he realised what he had just said looking back at the grey haired man who seemed to be clenching his jaw shut, he could see tears welling up, no that can't be right.
Alhaitham swallows hard. There it was the sentace he hated most, everyone called him a machine, a robot ,emostionless, nonhuman, self centered, psyopathic, odd. The list went on and on, the more alhaitham desperately tried to shove the emostions back down frantically the more they engulfed him pushing back like he was underwater trying to force a floating object to the bottom when all it would do was rise to the surface. Panic was starting to set in Internally. He could feel it that sting in his eyes no..no no no no this was stupid why was this so stupid really seriously now your gonna let what others have said affect you? get your shit together this is pathetic. Alhaithamwanted it to stop but it wouldn't.
"emostions are pathetic", "what are you crying about i could list some real reasons to cry or give you one" "stop this embarrassing display", "this is hindering your study sesson are you just about done now?" His parents words vibrated as they danced within his head. He was drowning, drowning silently for years and years and he hadn't relised it until he had hit rock bottom. Alhaitham walked past a shocked kaveh who seemed to be proccessing his own thoughts either way alhaitham wasnt in the state to handle it. Alhaitham made sure his pace was hurried as a feeling of dread filled him he wanted to run in that moment ,run from his emostional self because it scared him he didnt understand anything that he was feeling, other then it hurt, it hurt so bad, it wasn't enjoyable and it wouldn't stop no matter how much logic he threw at it.
Alhaitham slams his bedroom door. as he begins hyperventilating, clenching the fabic of his shirt over his heart. As he closed his eyes tightly clenching his jaw to try and stop it, anything, just make it stop. No he needed his headphones but they were getting repaired. alhaitham hit the back of his head against the door a few times in defeat he wasnt getting out of this. Oh god his parents would be so disappointed, calling him pathetic and overreactive. Alhaithams legs wobbled as he slid down the door, dropping down like a ragdoll. His lips quivered as his breathing hitched. The walls of the damn had smashed open and his vunrable nature had kicked him in the guts angery that he had neglected it that he had treated himself so poorly. His inner child screamed with raw emostions. And the only thing he could do was finally whimper out a pained noise and sobb. The rare time he did ever cry he had his grandmother, he had held it off way longer then ever before bottling things up until his body physically couldn't. But now he didnt have her by his side and god did he wish he did. His whole body racked with shakes as if holding 10 years of bottled emostions wouldn't effect him? As if constantly shoving his trauma down and childhood neglect wouldn't cause him anguish.
He desperately tried to make his way to his bed, as the world around him started to distort and feel dizzy. he honestly felt pathetic. he had managed to make it to the foot rest of his bed on the floor and pull down the blanket to cover himself with it. The floor felt so cold on the scribes bare feet that he shivered slightly. Was it actually cold or was it the panic attack he was going threw causing this. Sighing threw soft sobs he wrapped his arms around his knees hugging himself like a small child who had just had a nightmare.
"this isn't fair" he muttered to himself.
Kaveh blinked as he realised alhaitham was gone a strange feeling drawed itself up from his gut why did he want to puke why was he so anxious out of no were. Why did alhaitham look like that, his eyes why did they shine with so much pain he'd never seen on the scribes face. It scared kaveh something was wrong! very wrong he didnt fight back? he slammed the door? But him slamming a door but not appearing angry had kavehs head spinning in loops. He was shaking, alhaitham was shaking? And he swore he saw tears in the stoics eyes. Anxiously Kaveh found himself making some dinner for the scribe he felt guilty and bad for lashing out on him the moment he had came home not even asking how his roommate was fairing. Kaveh sighed as his brain let a thought escape "especially with how the man reacted this time around." He muttered to himself. Kaveh was scared he hurt the man if that was even possible.
No! kaveh shook his head alhaitham is still human and he knew that. alhaitham did have emostions. The softness of his gaze when kaveh would lay on his chest, while alhaitham read, or whenever kaveh had a hangover his gentle backrubs, the way he would get his favorite whine whenever kaveh had,had a rough week. The way..alhaitham let him live with him for practically nothing. The way alhaitham had been so busy he wasnt joining the architect to dinner or even sleeping he saw how exhausted the other look not only was he the new sage until they could find a replacement he was also still the scribe and with the accosha system being destroyed alhaithams job had become more difficult. The only thing kaveh had been doing was racking into the man all week with his own emotional bagade and lashing out on him this whole time.
Kaveh bit his lip fighting back the urge to cry himself from the guilt. Though he had come to figure out over the years that alhaitham would often get flustered, almost embarrassed any time he showed a slightly more emostional side to himself or natural behavior as if it wasnt normal. Humming in deep thought kaveh placed the food on a plate and put it on the counter. he'd just let...no he had to check up on the scribe it had been 20 minutes and it was to quite. Plus he still didnt feel right just leaving this time, usually alhaitham would get mad they'd both storm off and then both come talk to each other in the living room. Kaveh took a few steps out of the kitchen and when he walked down the hall his ears picked up on a gut wrenching sound. Sobbs, gasping breaths that were hitching. Kaveh swore his heart shattered and fell into the deepest part of his stomach he had only ever heard of alhaitham crying, a rumor, he didnt truely belive the man could cry. he wasnt there to witness it but it was after his grandmother died, which made sense but also was hard to digest for the architect.
but now standing outside his door and hearing it with his own 2 ears, made the blond nauseous with concern. He debated and fought with himself to knock, finally getting up the corage to. On one hand he wanted to run away to his room on the other hand kaveh wanted to burst the door down and hold alhaitham close. Groaning to himself in his brain he finally just does it.
3 gentle knocks were heard. "haitham?" A little pause "...hey are you okay?" It was so gentle and soft that alhaitham couldn't help but sobb harder as if being asked if he was okay broke him more. subconsciously he'd had wanted someone to care enough to ask. Kaveh heard the younger one break more. "Im...im coming in okay?" Kaveh couldn't take it he had to see the man and make sure he was okay. Alhaitham shot up as if his logical side was really trying to punt its way forth right now. Scrambling slightly to stand but his legs gave out "No! Wait!". There was a pause "haitham..you havent ate today im bringing you food" the scribe cursed to himself digging his nails into the wooden floor as his body wouldnt stop shaking. alhaitham could hear the footsteps leave his door only to retrun shortly after. the door knob rattled as the large wood chunk slowly opened. Alhaithams heart already racing from the current state he was in started to beat faster but it hurt it stung with fear.
Oh god he was going to see how pathetic he was, how childish and immature he was behaving. He was going to see him vunrable and not professional. His inner child screamed at him to shut up that this wasnt his fault and that he needed someone, asking why he was being so cruel to himself. Growling Alhaitham clenched his teeth baring them like a threatend dog as he grabbed his head pulling on his hair. This was bad he was getting that werid uncontrollable urge to become self destructive, everything was starting to spin, any sound that was made started to blast in his ears and cause constant ringing and become all just to much for him to process. His whole bodys nevres were shit and burning. Alhaitham was losing himself.
it happened alot as a kid when he had thouse meltdowns his grandmother told him it was autistic meltdowns and that he'd have them because he denied that part of himself or it often happened when the neighborhood kids bullied him or took his headset away. And here he was at its mercy as he continued to pant subconsciously trying to grasp for headphone that werent there. frantically clawing at his ears to try and bring himself back down. His body was against him now and all he could do was whimper over and over as kaveh entered the room only for the scribe to hear a soft surpised gasp as he heard the older one put the plate down on his dresser. Almost scrambling to his side.
Kaveh couldn't believe his eyes the scene in front of him tugged at heartstrings he didnt even think existed. The scribe was in complete disarray shaking and sobbing hestarically, trying to claw at himself. Kaveh found himself at the scribes side in no time. He wanted to protect alhaitham but he had no idea what was wrong. This was all foreign for him. Alhaitham wasnt the crying type or emostinal type at all. He grabbed the scribes wrist which only earned him a paniced yelp and kavehs eyes widened at just how much the other was trembling.
Kaveh cupped the scribes cheek with his other hand his thumb petting just under his eye. As he coooed out reasuring words "hey..hey its okay look at me.. your okay...sh shshshsh" alhaitham just made a heartbroken sound his head lowering as he almost curled into himself "hey hey hey, whats going on?" Kaveh made sure his voice was as gentle and soft as he could manage. The other didnt reply his eyes looked so scared, and his body wouldn't stop shaking. kaveh pulled the other closer to him his hands gripping alhaithams arms pushing them to alhaithams side as he looked at him worried fear painted on his face.
In that moment as soon as kaveh touched alhaitham the scribe broke and bursted out painful sobbs "im sorry...im sorry" kaveh obviously was shocked and panicked a little "hey hey hey nonono haitham you dont need to apologize okay" he was confused why was haitham apologizing he was the one who was trying to egg him on in an argument and called him a machine.
Alhaitham looked up at kaveh a emostion that shouldnt never be on anyones face painted the scribes nevermind the new sages face.
" i..im sorry i dont mean to act like...to be a emostinonless, heartless bastard..i didnt ask to be this way...i im sorry for being like a robot ....im sorry.. i dont know!" He yelled out shaking his head his voice cracked and his bangs falling in front of his face as the architect held his wrists " i dont know what im feeling! ,i dont know whats going on! and its hurting i..it hurts so much dammit and it wont stop!..im scared" alhaitham had almost whispered out that last part as kavehs lips quivered at the sight infront of him " i dont know whats happening, i cant breath, i cant think straight, and the only thing my body wants to do is cry and shake" the scribe stuttered out in broken sobbs his wobbled voice uneven. Kaveh pulled alhaitham into a hug tightly placing his chin on the grey set of hair as if protecting alhaitham from the world. "Shshshsh your not a machine, im so sorry i said that i thought... you were ignoring me..or that you were just grumpy and im so sorry, your not heartless you have a big heart, i dont care if anyone thinks differently i know you. Im sorry if i had looked harder i could have noticed that you weren't okay this week and im sorry i never noticed. Im sorry i lashed out on you". Alhaitham shook and gripped onto his senoirs clothes hiding his face in shame into the others shoulder.
Kaveh frowned. "Your having a breakdown, have you had one this bad before?" alhaitham shook his head. " kaveh then thought to ask "did you even know you were having one?" Alhaitham shook his head "...the fact you dont know that....do you not allow yourself to feel things?" Alhaitham shook his head again and it made kaveh tear up as he ran his hand threw the youngers grey hair. What the hell what normal human being would...then again alhaitham wasnt normal.
"haitham...why? I know your not typically the emostional type but...didnt you ever cry as a child?".
Alhaitham tsked and cleared his throat. "i dont know how to express myself...i was never allowed to...it wasn't correct...if i did it was not becoming if i cry it was called pathetic". Kaveh bit his bottom lip all this time he never knew alhaithams story. "My grandmother was the only one who let me feel things, but even then i was already older...i only knew one thing basic surival and studying..i only know how to hold knowledge yet i lack basic human skills" kavehs heartbroke again hearing alhaitham saddly chuckle and just sobb. he pulled the scribe even closer almost cradling him as he just rocked alhaitham in his arms kissing his head gently over and over again.
"Im so sorry, your allowed to express yourself with me i wont judge ever again i promise, im here." Kaveh cupped the scribes face his nose nuzzeling into the grey hair.
"Im here for you my little grey dove". Alhaitham stopped crying for a split second a small gasp escaping him as if that nickname broke away the chains that binded him oh so tightly. Alhaitham started wailing into his roommates chest. Shutting his eyes tightly.
Kaveh had also began crying, he had no idea just how much this man was hiding. So he wasn't like this on purpose this whole time he had his roomate plauged out so wrong. Kaveh held alhaitham tightly that night and let the man sobb years of bottled up shit out of his system. Petting and playing with alhaithams hair in a means to comfort him. eventually the scribe had exhausted himself sobbing himself to sleep and kaveh sighed, he'd put the food away and he could have it once he woke up. When kaveh came back he picked up alhaitham bridal style and placed alhaitham in the bed. he noted that he was lighter then normal. So he really hadn't been doing good this week, he's lost weight. Tsking he goes to leave only for a weak voice to beg him to stay and stay he did holding the vunrable alhaitham in his arms as they both drifted to sleep. That night kaveh promised himself he'd never call alhaitham a robot or a machine ever again.
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starshipkirby · 2 years
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u know what. cleaning up after just my dad is like a full-time job.
there's no schedule because everyday it's a different issue. cleaning up & cooking so my brother's will eat something is like another job. always sacrificing larger & more portions of food that i've cooked so others can eat more [without effort]. cleaning up the house is like another job that i've really been struggling with since last year around the time i got covid. feeding myself is an important job that im barely keeping up with & yet when i have to prioritize my own energy i get attitude. sorry i don't want to plate your food & heat it up and tell you every single time how much to heat it up for & then you don't even eat it for another few hours. sorry for not wanting the majority of my time to be about waking up, puting away dishes, washing dishes upwards of 3 times a day, collect dishes from around the house, pack my parents lunches & snacks, and very often my brother who never actually plans to pack anything and then oh look i didnt pack anything sorry but im running late now i cant do it (also then i drive him to & from work [weekends] incl. my mom but at least that one is just to pick her up [weekdays]), try to vacuum & dust the house, keep my own areas clean with no help, have to clean shared areas which ppl bring food into when they aren't allowed because they don't notice when they drop food, lash out when you point it out, don't clean it subsequently, and then try to blame you for eating in the same area when you rarely spill anything, always notice & clean it up PROPERLY including soap & water or what else, and then make the executive decision to not eat certain foods that have crumbs or tend to spill, or only do it if im already fully cleaning the area that day as well. im sorry for being annoyed that there are always stains on the fridge, inside the fridge, spills on the floor & counters, because others (coughmencough) dont bother cleaning, washing, or drying their hands, lash out or deny it when you point it out, and it doesn't matter that it's been years, sometimes decades at this point, that i have to remind you to wash your hands when handling food or the fridge, and dry them so that you don't leave water stains on the stainless fridge that i JUST 30m ago cleaned to be free of that, that i still have to look for messes and spills everywhere, put in strategies to stop it from happening, & then have those strategies fucked over.
if im tired what are my choices?
a) if i dont want have to potentially clean the fridge every other day, i have to heat up, plate, put away & pack things for my dad so he doesnt touch the fridge since he doesnt wash his hands even if he's touched someting. he will pour things inside the fridge without taking them out, spill, and not clean it up. he is not careful enough to not pour food consistently without touching something. i will watch him do it, point out he touched something, he will deny it. if i forcefully make him wipe something he will either not do it, or 'gaslight' & call me a problem for voicing my suspicions. the worst part is that my mom did this only for a period of about a month in which she was seriously sick & unable to take things out of the fridge - he saw it and now does it every time, esp as long as he thinks no one is watching so he can do it. no one else will opt to take it out for him, leaving me to deal with the consequences. so obviously, he CAN create habits
b) don't do all that and be left with parts of the fridge that need to be cleaned, sinks that need peels & seeds removed & put in the green bin. fridges that are sticky, floors that have spills, tables & counters that are not clean. i still need to pack his fruit away and if not i get guilt-tripped by someone else, & unpack & clean his lunchbox. if im not tidying up the tables no one else will even move a couple of things to make room to eat there & opt to sit in "off-limit areas" (which have been designated as such because the areas arent cleaned bc the person doesnt do all that, and in a desperate attempt at me to try not to use up my limited energy to worrying about cleaning it more often than needed than if there was no worry about food & bugs etc.). what's frustrating is pointing it out = being yelled at or lashed out as, justifying excuses to not learn, not learning what their blind spots are & therefore what behaviours should be avoided by said person which are different for everyone, not learning new habits, not SHARING anywhere near equal parts of responsibility of cleaning even after their own SELVES
the house gets dirty & dusty without anyone living in it. it requires work to clean it. there is an amount of dirt that happens just by people living in it. just for the love of god why am i cleaning up my own messes + the messes of 3 other people + the daily cleaning grind. why does no one replace the toilet paper when it is low? why does no one squeegee off the water on the bathroom counter or sweep the bathroom floor of hair?
like. im sorry i don't have the energy to keep up with all of it, but why is it my responsibility only? to stock up the bathroom with supplies, to keep track of my brothers' shampoos & conditioners & when they run out, why when i just want to eat bc im really tired i can not make my own food so i heat up food that's already been cooked by me, i will open the fridge only to feel that something sticky is on the fridge handles and grape juice falling over the side? open up the fridge & an entire drawer is filled with juice touching other fruits which i now have to clean bc you didn't put the grapes on the styrofoam put there specifically to stop this from happening. why do i need to hunt you down to tell you only for you to deny it? why do i have to hunt down 3 people only for all of them to deny it & lash out? when i point out hey, when you want food to come in the grocery or when your shampoo is almost empty, i put a grocery list paper on the fridge, instead of yelling at me & saying it's my fault that there is no shampoo, (i changed the type i used & havent used it in over a year) and apparently you've been seething over this for an entire year? just put it on the grocery list yourself because i am not keeping track of when its going to be finished since i am not using it. i am not going to keep track of how much food YOU eat to plate it for you, or to keep track of how much time you like it to be heated for for every single item. Look, here is my strategy: i just heat it for a minute & if it's not enough just up the time until you like it & then learn from that how often you want it heated. nope i get attitude. theyll quote back at me "it's not only my responsibility, YOU do it." to justify the amount of work i put in VS them. "if it's so easy YOU do it". i DO do it, i am TIRED of doing it. i do it for myself, i do it for 3 others, i used to meet 80+% of demands but i couldn't keep it up if i wanted to have my own life that is not centered on these stupid tasks. and then i get attitude from someone who doesn't let me refuse every so often or someone who only meets maybe 30% of my not very oftenly asked, and that too, improperly executed asks. this plus the no responsibility cleaning-wise. no wonder i wanted to sewerslide nearly 6 years ago.
thats not even accounting for like the time i take to drive 2 people in the house around who can't drive while the other 2 ppl in the house who also can drive never share the responsibility anymore. or not often enough that i actually feel any relief from it. on top of THAT i take my mom to the store and it's always like an extra 2 hours of being out doing something i don't really want to do. i just walk around pushing the cart or something.
i have to learn to speak in a way that they will stop them lashing out at me for expecting them to learn new habits & take a fair share of responsibility. i do not blame them for not knowing. i do not blame them for asking questions, hell i keep saying ASK so you know, then learn, & find a way that suits you to remember what you learned, then make it a habit in a way that suits you. it doesn't need to be perfect at first bc ur just starting out, i do not have all the answers either. what i learned i learned through most of my own effort because my questions weren't actually answered, i was just blamed. what i AM tired of is being yelled at, for not being over the moon that they're just THINKING of it but not actually doing anything, for having to take up the responbility until they do but also to take up most of it, to never be expected to do things that happen to be for me, to clean up, something as simple as washing your hands before touching the fridge & being careful after if you HAVE touched something. but i believe there is this insane level of misogyny mixed in with their expectations, that somehow they are lashing out at what others have said, but out at me, because they both get extremely angry at bioessentialism (for men) but have bioessentialistic beliefs about women, & blame feminists too. i cant even say these words without some stupid rant abt "those feminists" "you dont know how hard feminists have made life for men" fuck OFF. . which is so fucking annoying.
im trying so hard to find new ways to make cleaning easier. i cannot rely on someone else. to organize it & know what tasks are needed. it takes time to develop these, strategies to try and move on and try again from. in between all the above. and i need it to be done in the next 2 months before school starts. i've been trying to rely on machines & electronics more, to do as much as i can myself with tools. it is not worth it to wait, not for me.
not when i have sleeping issues. melatonin is the only thing keeping my sleeping schedule managable. i started out taking it only max twice a week (sunday night to start it out right, wed night to fix it in case its gone wonky, but now ig im stressing out abt having to go somewhere the next day, i take it as well for good measure. or i cannot sleep the night or even a few nights before for fear of accidentally sleeping in. the pressure is too much lolol. for the record this has been a problem for 8+ years now. i wonder what my sleep debt is, but over the years ive been unable to get a good nights sleep, until i started taking melatonin i hadn't dreamt in almost a decade, being asleep was actually being awake & aware. i still cant tell when im asleep or awake, im always aware, it's really weird. even when i take melatonin i feel like im awake but at least im more rested & wake up at a more reasonable time (in the AM instead of PM but not always). there used to be a time where my super power was always getting up at the same/right time in the morning even if i'd pulled nearly an all-nighter and not even looking tired. then i was good until the weekend. i want this super power back honestly.
anyway as usualy this post morphed into something huge but im over it for now & im hitting post
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dustandducks · 1 year
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i just finish infidelity au and it give me so much feeling and mommy issues and general issues i applause you
“How very sweet,” Sebastian let out a condescending laugh. “It’s like you are stuck in the teenage girl state.”
i should be allowed to tied sebastian up and let apprentice practicing posion testing their work on him and save him only one inch from dead and then repeat that for enternity
also i really love your style of writing, it express magnus emotions and almost like subconcious train of thought very well and it ver raw, like biting instant noodles raw without boiling it
Tears still here but didn’t brim. Progress.
funny how i just use the same technique last week whats the odd haha
Ah, gaslighting. His favorite.
im somewhat of a gaslighter and gaslighted-er myself
Why did he keep bumping up into narcissists after reading up so much about them? These two would make great friends.
there also fic where camille date sebastian and like, pls stop draining the light out of the room
Wow, noted Magnus subconsciously. A hug from Raphael. I must be special.
it like getting a compliment from your parents i know right i know right??
Translation: it is your fault I acted the way I did even though it was my free choice. Change for me but I will never be satisfied with your efforts.
shaking screaming crying i dont need to be called out on this fine day im sure my issue will resurface again this week please I-
“We don’t throw appliances in the garbage, it’s not eco-friendly,” pointed Magnus.
breaking down and environmental aware! a real man!
Had I read this book earlier in my life, I would’ve said that I was bitten by him, not by a very gay spider my teenage mind came up with for some reason when my dad asked what turned me gay.
king of comedy
Life doesn’t give a damn about the fact that the characters should reach their happy ending. So the only ones who should care about doing so are ourselves.
king of comedy and king of common sense ughhhh why is he making so much sense
 He didn’t run after Alec and ask him to forgive him. He would have time for it later.
im still a sucker for groveling fic but i agree- magnus need to put himself first
“No! N-no, I…” he denied. “I’m not here to ask you to date me,” he hid his face with hands. “Gah!”
virgo amirite (love him)
 Even if the miracle isn’t caused by magic, it’s no less of a miracle.”
i need to eat this sentence
“Or you can move to me and have it,” said Magnus before thinking. Then shut his mouth.
But Alec teased him back. “Depends on how big your new apartment is. I’m planning to buy the Collected Works of Jane Austen and don’t have enough space. Think I can borrow yours?” He smirked.
im no surprise if magnus actual proposal to alec moving in sound like this, he knows his nerd so well
So this was supposed to help him? Magnus himself?
Huh.
So simple. So meaningful. Alec, a cryptic idiot.
I NEED TO EAT THIS FIC
“Where’s my favorite Bane?” asked Catarina.
“I’m here, here!” yelled Max.
max really the cutest
If you hurt him, I will set Chairman at you. His claws are very achy.
why do i have a feeling chairman will turn out to favor alec the most (alec animal baby whisperer canonical canon)
Magnus snorted. “You mentioned it once, yes. Tell me something I don’t know.”
Alec suddenly got up and moved the chair right next to Magnus. Then sat in front of him. “Did you know that you are the best person I’ve ever had the luck to meet?”
when we eat the rich we spare them
Alec’s shoulders relaxed a bit. “Did you know I want to be your boyfriend?”
Yes. I had an idea. Yes. It would be my pleasure.
But the squeaking guinea pig that was running away from Chairman Meow ruined the romantic moment.
literally every rom com ever, approved
AAAAAH THE LAST SEGMENT MAGNUS POST THEY SUCH NERDS LDKGJLSKXGJK I LOVE THIS FIC SO MUCH
You absolutely should be allowed to torture Sebastian I give you my permission.
Dhshjasv I like your noodle metaphors all very funny and creative. The train of thoughts was what I aimed to do so I'm glad I did well ☺
Breathing exercises are life saviours I would cry in a bus much more often if it were not for them.
Camille and Sebastian make absolute sense as a couple but they would pose such a threat to humanity.
Alec grew an additional brain cell over the years what a king.
Anh is constantly hungry it's proved.
Chairman is the only one who alwayysides with Alec in conflicts Magnus and Max don't like this biased bitch but kinda do.
Thank you so much 🥺💜 this one just couldn't leave my head and I'm so grateful I finally finished it
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icselpatlamalar · 2 years
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A MID WAY PROGRESSBAR ON HEALING
Like crumbles if you dont heal. 
In 2016 when i started collage i come out and got abused by my parents for decades, controlling, verbal physcial attacks etc. I kept it together thx for my friends at that time but after i got hit in the heart by unsucesful lovers it become even more depressive.
In 2018 summer i realized i had a shit life and it made me extreamly depressed and questioned my existance with low key s*cidal tendencies. I fall for my 1st ex not because i loved him but i lacked safety and peace. I fall for people who have what i dont have... He lived in a great city, had good friends, had cool time there and he was FREE. I had a miserable life, awful city, awful friends, awful abusive parents. I loved him as a tool. I used him to escape my life. And at the end i got abused as fuck and non of my friends even helped me to deal with any of this bullshit or even guide me slightly.
It was even more painful when my only supporting friend gone mad (no joke she became extreamly paranoid and schizophrenia). I had no one supporting me in real way. Even the therapist i went to were shit heads that felts so fucking lonely. This lead me to have a s*cide attempt which fucked up my ego forever.
 No matter how much i healed i felt shit and no matter how much i achived i feel shit. Because i have been keeping deep bullshit in me and had no one to talk to and nothing was working due to circumstances not chaning.
I made 2 friends in 2019 fall. One of them turned out to be a patalogical lying covert narsc who tried to ruin my life for 2 years, by attemtping to kill me and twisting every deep talks we did and even shallow ones because they were in love with me (or obsession and jelousy to be honest) and another girl who has s*cidal tendencies as well as depressive anxious personality with some hypervilligant behaviours too.
I now see i have tagged them as friends because omfg my currents friend then would hear me out and they were kind enough (by that i mean they only listen to you so they can hate u for being vulnerable and hurt you later by this fake closeness) but not kind enough to be real friends. I have waited 1 year to talk about my abusive relationship with someone and thats why i loved them. I felt free and both of them were edgy acting fragile people, now i see how miserable they were realy and how fucked they are tbh. 
While all of this was going on i was having hobbies, sucesful at school, winning competition building my character and wishes, dreams. But it always a lil bit fragmented because i was literally in a very fucking toxic enviourment.
In 2020 i could take it anymore after years of abuse and gaslight and mental torture and run everything to the flames. Burned all my bridges, exposed everything. Everyone flee when i started to be real to them about their bullshit.No one really fake loved me anymore lols ok this is late. It was pure chaos i literally had to move out to a new city for couple months. 
In 2021 I decided to change my life, i have bump head agains every possible wall and people. I even had to physically attack people to get my rights back, which is not good experience. I had come back but this hyperviligant girl and i get together back because i needed money, at the end i left her for her codependent behaviour. Then this physco come and threatened me by “exposing and cancelling me” which was actually him saying he will frame and gaslight me and shit, he already contacted my exes and friends and spreaded rumours about me for 2 years... 
After that i have been a very angry unforgiving cold and distant person whoo nly focus on loving myself and my career goals. I have met many more people and do many jobs but i no longer give a fuck about humanity in that codependent sense. I left many people behind, many stuff and lifes behind. I have alot more boundries and i dont let bs happen. 
I was asking myself why the fuck my life has been shit. Now this makes alot of sense...
HEAL YOURSELF. If you dont it collaps like a cotton ball with a thread attacht to sisyphus’s rock. I now realize i never had a bf or lover or real friendship because i have been so much in survival and breadcrumb efficeny mode that i have not been able to live and experience my life to the best. 
I always had to make money, make the best time, get the mood up, fix shit, achive dealines, make connections, deal with loneliness and boredon, heck fucking fix my clinical depressin all by my self. 
I AM SO TIRED BUT I AM SO GLAD.
Right now i have a stable good job, some friends that are meh but alright, i have hobbies i love, a character i love, a family we get along, I have no mental health issues but i still time to time get bored with life, but i am a creative mid-class person so its better than before. 
But still, i would love to have real connections where i dont feel the need to have the best from others or anything good or perfect. I just wanna have independent relatisonship and 0 bullshit. I have learned my lessons and using people is a bad one which killed me. I am so glad i learned the harsh truth of reality and objective conditions of life and subjective needs of me. 
I can safely say i am my bff which was hard to say. I have so much respect and love for myself but i am still scared of real relationships due to inexperience and chaos i endured. 
But i wanna fall in love with me and many others and have friendships and cool shit altogether. I have fixed the most important parts.
Pls god give me nice shit.
I can give u alot of advice and guidance but truth be told, i am not pro at life. I am still and adult who is trying to figure out some of the most impossible problems with life.
I wish i had this much experience and brain tbh. Rest was good ngl. 
Just be you and do you. The rest is not as important as you think and try to be moe punk when u have to free fall from that bridge into the precived abbys. ıt pays of when you look back at horrible life u left behind.
One of the best thing u can do is to GET RID OF TOXIC SHITTY PEOPLE WHO ARE INHERINTLY AWFUL. Then i would say learn TO BE STABLE ON UR 2 FEETS.  Then i would also add LEARN TO LET SHIT BURN.
I never had problem with self love tbh this isnt about love this is about mental head space so FUCK EVERYONE WHO THINK LOVE IS THE ANSWER TO EVERY BS. THINK FOR URSELF AND BE SELFISH TIME TO TIME.
I am done with this. Hope it helps u too. I learned damn many of these shit are just tower after tower after towers and damn i am the pro pheonix but damn gurl give me a slack pls.
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mewtonian-physics · 3 years
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me: i am traumatized because these bad things happened to me when i was young
also me: what if im making it all up though
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AHHHHHHH OK
i’m not sure if matchups are open but if they are can i have a matchup for death note please?
I’m pretty introverted and like to be by myself. I do get clingy like REALLY clingy with people i’m super close to but that doesn’t happen a ton. I like to read, write, go bike riding and take walks. I’m definitely a night owl and i sleep most of the day. I’m about 5’4 and pretty chubby and i don’t really have a style but i would just call it comfortable. I love the rain and don’t mind walking in it. I have separation issues so when i really like someone i tend to just kinda follow them around or talk to them a lot. I struggle with depression so sometimes i have a hard time getting out of bed and doing things like eating, brushing my teeth things like that. I also have bad social anxiety so i tend to cling onto people when we’re out and i get self conscious every easily
thank you sm!!! <3
Thank you so much for being my first request!!! I hope you enjoy friend!
TW: Yandere L , yandere themes manipulation, gaslighting,isolation, abuse and toxic relationships
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I ship you with L Lawliet!
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- He appreciates that your introverted.
- Sometimes people can be truly exhausting.
- He would say he’s pretty introverted too, being world famous detective and all.
- L knows that if he plays his cards right he can get you all to himself.
- He’s a little obsessed so you might need to let him know when you need a little bit of space.
- he loves when you get clingy and hang all over him.
- it reminds him that without him, you’d be nothing.
- He always buys you new books as rewards for your good behavior.
-If your reading, he’ll follow along while resting his head on your shoulder.
- In fact your room has a whole book case filled with your favorites and new ones he’s certain you would like.
- L’s a huge fan of your writing. Sometimes he pretends that you write just for him, and only him. He finds himself not able to put your writing down. It transports him to another world. 
- When you get more comfortable with your “predicament” he’ll allow you more liberties, like taking walks in the rain or riding your bike. The only catch is either Watari or himself have to be with you when our go outside the home you two share.
- I mean L has to make sure your safe from Kira somehow.
- being a night owl works perfectly with him because he’ll usually stay up all night working on a case.
- l feels that you being in his reach helps him solve the majority of cases easier.
- although he does recommend you go to bed at a certain time so you don’t sleep the day away.
-L says it all about creating a pattern of sleep so you are healthy mentally and physically.
- L will try to keep you on a daily schedule to help motivate you.
- he’ll make sure someone wakes you by a certain time and so on.
- L makes sure you never skip a meal.
- he’ll always stick by your side and try to help you feel better.
- On the harder days, he’ll take work off and spend the whole day with you.
- You two will vibe in these comfy sweatshirts eating candy and watching your favorite movies.
-sometimes you two will just sit and watch the rain, no talking, just a comfortable silence
-and that would be enough for the both of you.
-If you ever get a cold after going out in the rain, he’ll tell you he told you so.
-Dont let that deceive you, he just very worried.
-will try to do anything to make you feel better.
-definitely a manipulative yandere.
-will definitely take advantage of your separation issues to have you stay with him.
- I mean no one will ever love you as much as him.
- He’s all you need.
-L loves when you ramble to him.
- He thinks your the most adorable thing ever.
- He loves you so so much.
- This is a yandere that will never stop loving you.
-L Lawliet wants to be the only person you hold onto.
-In fact he soon will be.
-king of isolation. Your only allowed to talk to him, Watari, and very rarely, the task force members.
-When your feeling insecure, he constantly reassures you of your beauty.
-because you are dashing my friend.
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just ignore this
Im not sure how to go about this. Ive been having a lot on my mind but I dont really want to tweet it and go crazy. So since no one i know uses tumblr anymore or even know my account i thought it would be safer here. Im currently going through a break up and its been pretty hard and blindsiding. Like some days i wake up super confident and others I literally just want to cry and key his car. I guess its just hard to hear that your boyfriend not only kissed someone else, but is quesitoning his whole life. Like how could he think that he doesnt see a future with me. Like the audacity of thinking that i am not good enough for him. are you kidding me?!?!?!?  You are the one with all the red flags. I am the one actually actively self improving. I was the one that helped u get your resume updated. I was the one that made u a linkedin. I deserve better. But at the same time im so fucking angry. Like how can he hurt me like that. How could he hurt someone he so call loved for years and just end it on a “gut feeling”?  God u dont love me anymore on a gut feeling. Sick. Cool. thats nice. Maybe you need some damn probiotics bc your gut health is out of wack. 
All u do is sit on your ass and blame yourself with no actual effort. Like how can a man judge me for being on the fence about having a kid in the future when im 21 and he cant even wake up from a fucking alarm. like are you joking?????
Last night I think I saw a girl go to his apartment. I like to think that she went to a different unit on his floor but I just had that “gut feeling” it was for him. That really fucking broke me. Like i knew he would come around pretty quickly again bc he lacks emotional maturity to deal w what he fucking did. But god a week after we broke up. U have to be a real sociopath to do that shit. how dare you.
I just want things to go back to how they were. I was so fucking happy. We were happy. I dont understand whats going on. Gaslighting, lovebombing, idk what fucking word to call this but I think he just invented a new one. I just miss him but how could i give myself to a man that has caused me so much heartbreak. I dont want to see him with someone else. It so fucked up 
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seeking advice.
Hi , I submitted an ask about intrusive thoughts awhile ago. Your response was so helpful, I refrence back to it every time i’m feeling them come in. Ive been ruminating on what may cause them and trying to pin point my triggers but its all.. alot. Im triggered by the man my mother chose to marry after my father. I hate him. He gaslights me every chance he gets and I am feeling like there has been signs of grooming in my childhood. He reminds me of my abusers. He dosent know what happened to me but I know they sense that something has and they just disregard me in any way they can. It went as far as him saying outloud that i should adnowledge one of my abusers who i was forced to be in the same car w ( im 21 ) and tried to guilt me into it. He used a vunerable moment to act as if he had control over how I speak, and who I speak to. I dont know where he got the idea that im stupid enough to follow anything he says but the fact that he did think such an idiotic thought triggered me and I spun out the entire car ride in silence (on top of the fact that I was forced to be in a car w abuser from my chidhood). I hate him. I hate that she married such an uncaring, irresponsible, neglectful man. especially since she had children. He was just a stand in but literally did nothing. He would buy fast food for my brother and I but thats as far as his “care” went. We were baiscally expected to fend for ourselves and they gaslight the whole situation. He was never around and now hes acting as if hes an authority figure when hes just an asshole. He would convince my mother not to give me certain things when I needed them the most and she would just go along with it. I hate him. I am stuck in a living situation with them and I am sensitive to certain things. He leaves clothes in specific places he knows (a house filled w women he is the only guy here and it is very weird because I am the only one that speaks up about the bullshit he projects) people will see and it triggers me. He left his b*xers on this empty banister outside my door. who tf does that. and to make it seem as if i am the one that‘s “delusional“ he left his b*xers in a laundry bin thats obviously filled with clothes that are not his. I hate that there is a man around who my mother tries to brainwash me into thinking has any sort of position in my life. I hate that he's around. I hate that he can come and go as he pleases and my mother just allows it. She chose him over me and i knew it as soon as she introduced that man when I was a kid. I hated him then but they kept acting as if I had a attitude problem but I was just very uncomftable, especially after what happened to me. He reminded me of the harm. like I should just act as if nothing happened. but it did. and I knew he would never be able to understand me. and I was right. He trys to get in my head instead. I hate him and i don't know. I dont know why I stayed here so long, Ive had a job since i was 16 but in denial that I was actually doing it all by myself. I formed an eating disorder and baiscally all my money went there. My anger is getting the best of me in the worst ways and I am scared of my thoughts (intrusive still based on childhood trauma and fear of children and being responsible for their care) when it wasnt this bad before. Im starting to hate my body and doing things like showering or using the bathroom has become intrusive. I just hate that shes allowing this bozo to play her but she dosent care about what I think. she chose a man over me.
thank you for ur supprt and just for listening. I appreciate it.
(cont. previous ask on horrible stand in) I don’t rememeber if I put myself on anon im sure I did but just incase I would like to be anon. I also wanted to add that, I cut off communication from them both. ( my mother and him) I’m just living here now until I can get a place of my own.
thank you again for being a listening ear.
Hey there,
It sounds like you've been through a lot. Your feelings are perfectly valid. Please give yourself lots of compassion and patience right now. Amp up the self care. You're dealing with a lot and it's truly not fair. Everything you're feeling is valid.
I hope you will be able to return to how things were and that you don't have to be around them too much longer.
- Mod Misa
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URGENT QUESTION TO ALL MY FOLLOWERS, I NEED YOUR FEEBACK!
Okay so here's the situation. I am asking you all to please please read this through and like, maybe tell me if I made the right decision... because I feel terrible about this. I would love it if someone told me if this is correct or wrong and I should've done something else. I'm not a popular blog, so whoever this post might reach (which is not going to be a lot of people) please please take some time out to read this through. I know it's a really long post, but I really really need your opinion on this. If you don't have the time right now, maybe just reblog it and save it for later. It would also help this post reach more people. Also please check the tags for the trigger warnings.
I have been going to a therapist for about 5 months now. My mom, as you probably know by now, is narcissistic and my dad enables her, along with my mom's parents who we live with. I have no siblings, and I just turned 17. Since we live in Asia, all you desi people know how hard society is on us when we go against our parents, who are supposed to be godly figures.
So all along, my therapist, (for confidentiality's sake we'll call him Sam, 21), has been bent on making me talk to them. I dont know why. I've tried explaining so many times that talking to my mom is not an option because 1) NARCISSISTIC PEOPLE DON'T EVER CHANGE and 2) my mom WILL use all my words against me and twist them into whatever she wants and later bring them up to bring me down. You guys with narcissistic parents know this shit too well.
It's not like I haven't ever even tried talking to them, I have! I've done it so many times, with a calm tone, in the most diplomatic way possible. There were times I tried to get the point across by crying and being desperate too. There were also times where I thought anger might work out.
It never did. It doesn't. It won't, because she is not looking for solutions or for mending the bond between us. All she wants is to infantilize me and keep me under her control forever. Mom and dad both want this. They don't ever want to let me out of their sights. They don't let me out of their sights.
A very long story short, I am supervised 24/7, I don't have much of a phone, I don't have friends, I don't have any family members who would support me, I don't have much of a family either tbh. I am monitored like crazy, gaslighted every single day, lied to, manipulated like hell, and babied to the point where it's just narcissistic infantilization and not concern anymore. To them, I'm a baby when it suits them, and I'm an adult when it suits them better that way. She doesn't care about what I think because apparently I'm a liar and to all those people out there who know the smear campaigning and the flying monkeys and the triangulation....yeah. All of that happens on a regular basis. I know I'm not providing any concrete proof and situations but please believe me. Please believe me. My memory is so shot I can't remember anything and i know it doesn't work out in my favor but please please believe me I'm telling the truth...
I have made three suicide attempts, I used to cut and was very badly addicted to it, and now I don't cut, but yeah I'll be sharing the reason in a little bit. Please hold on, this means a huge deal to me. Please don't scroll past this.
So Sam never really even had a smidge of doubt that my mom might be narcissistic, and I wasn't given the benefit of doubt either. After months of research when I myself figured that it might be narcissism, I told him and he went along with it. He does believe me now. But somehow I don't feel very understood. I dont feel better after I talk to him. I feel like my problems are trivial and that I'm just not working hard enough. I feel misunderstood and I never feel satisfied. I asked him for tips to deal with crushing loneliness and panic attacks and stuff like that, but I never receive real answers. When I asked for help with my suicidal thoughts, he just said that it's never an option and that's it. That's the only answer I got. When I asked for help with cutting, the only answer I got was that if I even tried to cut again, I'd lose him.
Like. Is that really how therapy is supposed to work?
Half of the time we just while time away, talking as if we're friends and I mean, it's a paid session. We're not very financially well off right now, what with the pandemic and everything, and we're paying him 2000 INR a week. It's a lot for us because we ain't exactly rich. That's like 10,000 INR a month.
I try to talk, I'm told that I don't stop talking and don't let him speak. When I don't speak, I'm not speaking enough. I dont feel comfortable anymore in a way that I think I should be with a therapist. I have recieved more helpful advice from actual PhD psychologists who are making videos on dealing with narcissism on YouTube. I feel more understood by them than I ever have with him. So many times I have left the session crying and hours later I'd still be stifling tears. So many times I don't feel heard and I feel like if I told him something he'd be angry. Sometimes he snaps and is like way too straightforward and it just doesn't do well with me. He doesn't support a lot of stuff that I support, like anti body shaming, especially for overweight people and stuff like LGBTQIA+ too, really. I'm mocked in an underhand way if I express that I support stuff that he doesn't really like. It's not straightforward but... I can't shake the feeling.
I do sometimes look forward to the sessions, if only because I'll have someone to talk to...but that's pretty much it. I'm not getting anything out of this. He claims that no one will understand me the way he does, and he keeps comparing my life to his, which I don't like. He says that in a way he and I both very similar and he relates to me and then proceeds to tell me about events in his life. He says that I'm his favorite client and now a good friend too, but I feel like that's not how it should be. And I do make an effort to listen to him tell me stuff about his life but...shouldn't it be the other way round?
Now I'm not saying that he is a bad person. I have loads of my own issues too; severe depression, crippling anxiety, overthinking every freaking thing, I'm like 100% sure I have complex PTSD from this childhood trauma, constant pain everywhere, crazy headaches, flashbacks, nightmares, hallucinations sometimes, and major emotion repression. I'm dealing with a million and one things right now and yes that might be causing me to feel worse about this situation than I should. I admit that I'm not exactly thinking about this in a diplomatic way...but somehow it doesn't feel right, and hence this really long post.
If you're still here, thank you so much. Your reading this is doing something that means a lot to me. Truly.
He exercises a lot, and he gave me a whole schedule to follow with the meals I should eat and the exercise I should do and somehow I never feel like I'm doing enough. If I miss out I can't tell him because he always reprimands me for messing up. I dont feel comfortable about opening up and then he forces me to do that and then when I do I don't feel better.
Lately, we'd been talking about how I need to tell my parents to their face what I feel is wrong with their actions, and how without that happening there's no point to our sessions anymore. Straight up went that if I don't talk to them on this Sunday, then we're not going to have sessions anymore.
I tried explaining to him many times how my mom will never change, how I don't want to enrage them further, how I don't want to give her more information on my life that she can use against me again...but no use.
He insisted over and over again on how she has no idea what she's doing to me, and if we just talked it out, my whole situation will be fine. This is just a huge misunderstanding.
I tried so hard to make him understand that that's not how it works for her, she doesn't want to resolve things and she'll just jump at the first chance she gets to use all my information against me, but no. I tried telling him that I have talked to her before and that I also used to think that if I just told her what they were doing wrong, then they would understand and mend their ways, I mean it took me YEARS to convince myself that it was never gonna happen! I tried it so many times and everytime I fell for this trap and everytime I regretted it but he doesn't get that! At all! That they're never gonna change!
Instead of helping me get over them, instead of telling me how to move on, instead of helping me grieve over my entire childhood... he was forcing me to talk things out with them, because if I didn't tell them I would be keeping it inside me and letting that fester would be bad.
I agree that it's not healthy for me to keep things to myself, which is why I talked to him right? And the things which are troubling me cannot be resolved with them because they refuse to change their ways!
The only thing that would come out of that family discussion is me at a disadvantage and them at an advantage by having all the latest scoop on my life and then have my mom (who is a doctor who has also done a course on CBT) psychoanalyse me even more than she does now. I'd be tailed harder. It will get worse and I know it. I've seen it and I promised myself that I would never make the same mistake of opening up to them honestly ever again. And here Sam wanted me to that very thing.
And I agreed initially, I tried convincing myself that maybe it'll work out and after all, Sam will be defending me and everything (even though he did say he would support them if he found them correct) but I didn't feel good about it. I remembered that a therapist is supposed to make you feel more at ease and let you take your own time to process through things and never force a client to do something if they had doubts about it.
And so I texted him today, and I refused. He said we won't have any more sessions, but I said it's fine. Because I don't want to go to him anymore anyway. I think I would rather have no one to talk to, than have someone belittle my experiences and just overall make me feel worse than I did when I first entered the session.
There's more stuff that was related to this, and if you guys want to know something before making your judgement of this situation, please please please ask me, message me, but please just have a bird's eye view on this whole thing and tell me if I made the right decision...please.
I would really appreciate some feedback right now.
Thank you so,so much for sticking with me till the end of this post. It means the world to me, honestly. I couldn't thank you more.
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guu · 4 years
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This will be long and purely for ppl concerned abt my situation who dont already know it. It gets a bit graphic; it is abt abuse afterall
alright, so i feel like for any curious parties i should go ahead and air out my personal laundry regarding my living situation, ya kno, since i’ve already had people telling me i should have just murdered my partner by now,
and i’ve had so-called concerned asks abt my kids in the past that any actual asks in good faith i’m instantly paranoid of (ex: so why do you willingly (yes, willingly) keep your kids in an abusive household) *before i was able to start amassing funds and making solid plans to get us out of here.
abuse looks different everywhere. i can see why people would wonder of the state of my children. i’m not saying “harhar well my situation aint THAT bad i mean he’s not a drunkard beating us on the regular” no no, i am a broken man.
like, mentally and emotionally.
but first, to my sweet children. xander and leon, going on 10 and 2 respectively. i bat heads with charles (my partner) when the need arises to keep them safe physically, emotionally, and mentally. perhaps i’ve been more battered because of, but i can take it for them. so no, i haven’t been a wimp who simply hasn’t learned karate to protect us (wtf? yes i was told that)
xander is a lively and enthusiastic kid, very empathetic and funny. he loves school, undertale, baldi’s basics, animal crossing, writing stories, making art, playing with his lil sibling, you name it. he’s inspiring. and yes, he loves his father very much.
previously when it seemed i would be able to get us in to live with my mom, unbeknownst that her situation wouldn’t allow for it, and she simply told me far too late bc she didn’t wanna hurt me. xander made it very clear he didn’t want us to split. he cried. he would ask not to talk about the subject.
all this has put indecision in me. i mean, he would be hurt, even if i could explain why it needs to be done. but staying with charles hurts him, in ways i don’t think he understands bc no, his spirit remains shining, unbroken. and i’m thankful for that and want to keep things that way.
at some point when he was younger i’d found out that charles had decided suddenly that xander was old enough to spank. he has it pretty solid in his mind that some level of physical discipline is needed to avoid “what happened with (me)” ie, my parents “spoiling” me. (even tho my actual at one point drunken bastard dad spanked me and it didn’t help.
i had to actually link him to articles on why, no, hitting ur kids isn’t doing what u want it to do, and could even do the opposite, but above all else tf is wrong with u? stop it, and hammer it in at every turn to chip him down till he finally agreed to stop.
i breathed a sigh of relief, now leon would be spared that once the bastard decided they were old enough.
that’s that part outta the way. as for me physically it doesn’t happen anymore but i have been smacked, punched in the stomach, choked, thrown down, raped at gunpoint, and put into submission holds.
he’s still a felon for one of those!
presently, he’s mostly just a fucking grump and a constant downer, a stressor on me greatly. he’s out of work and still sits on his ass playing video games making me do everything. bc he gaslights me that i put it upon myself to do everything bc i “dont like the way he does it” which is either far far too late or not at all unless i remind him 50 times, which ofc pisses him off and makes me a nag.
he’s cheated on me, repeatedly flirted with women, forced me off HRT and i’m currently pretending not to be a man to keep the peace, as he has stated he’s straight and could not continue to love me if i kept on my transition.
i’ll know more tomorrow abt solid PLANS but I've had to tell myself the reason why things will work this time is bc I've got my own source of income now. And with a car I won't lose it.
I'm not scared of the powerlessness of living off someone else and the constant threat of homelessness. Honestly Charles is so bad with money I'm quite optimistic. Itll be a relief actually having all the bill's only in my name. Last year's tax returns he nearly gave me an ulcer spending 1k on a gacha game.
I've heard p much everything someone's 2 cents have been in my 11 years with this man, and yes I shoulda booked it a longgg time ago but the past is outta my hands. What matters is I'm doing it now.
I'm tired. So tired. But I'm fighting back still. My kids are ok and I'll do whatever it takes to see to it that it stays that way under my care.
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I have ptsd back pain and pain in my right shoulder whenever I'm reminded of the painful moments, out of body experiences where JA hurt me while being vulnerable sexually, emotionally, mentally. I hate that it's close to the spot where my back sprained from falling backwards and catching myself on the steps that night from that fight with mom. Jay hit me with that umbrella higher than that spot, and now they're connected.
Even the times they abandoned me and left me on read, blocked me for months and I had to deal with hallucinations and insomnia, as if jaiden (their little alter identity) would come into my room in the middle of the night to help me sleep. I knew something had to be wrong for all this to come after being heart broken and treated so badly. The emotional abuse and the sexual abuse of boundaries and respect, the being made fun of, pulled back in to be used, then just leaving me again for somebody uglier and meaner than me.
These idiots have no idea and they don't care. And I wish I could pass all that unwanted ptsd back pain, stress, and reminders and memories that I have so they would know exactly how it feels to be the one they tortured for so long, on and off, going back and forth making me the bad guy to when I would pop off cause I had enough of being treated like shit. Like no normal human being with emotions wouldn't have tried to kick both of their asses either. And I'm sick of my dad looking at me crazy that I'm still upset about a bitch that broke my heart, took my money, and gave more to the dumb fat, ugly, rude bitch they were escaping from and cheating on.
I wish they knew how it feels to come home after a long day of work only to find yourself uncontrollable breathing, shaking, paranoid, sad, angry, frustrated, having a panic attack because some other bitch reminded me of them on tinder, so now I can't even dare date any new girls to move on from them.
My trust issues and intimacy scars are still there, strong in fold because of Jay and Ayunna. And I want consequences for both. I want them charged, fucked up in the face, beat till they can't fucking breathe, beat in the same spots in my back and my chest the exact same spots I feel those ptsd burns and pains.
I want them to burn just like they did me.
And it's stupid and senseless how they think they should even be claimed the victim and charge me with harassment to where I could go to jail and I didn't even touch them. I sent texts. So you're telling me my words hurt you that bad, you felt that threatened like a scared little fucking Karen, to get the cops called on me to take me to jail over some fucking texts?
Are you out of your fucking mind??? And you did even more worse shit to me??!! Bitch I can have yo ass go to jail for fraud, stealing money, and clothes from Walmart, and sexual assault, and fucking battery for punching me in my fucking leg because you thought it was funny. You had the audacity to ask me for my bank account numbers when I was drunk to where I couldn't even walk straight, same way you did when you hit me on my back when I could barely walk because you dares me to get high off of the whole blunt, you didn't care. Couldn't even defend myself because I was cross high...and you didn't even ask me for permission on some stupid bdsm shit.
Fucking hate yo black ass and the bitch that you with, still enabling you. Making me think I'm paranoid because I said I'm scared and I wanna leave. Yall made me think everything I did was wrong, and yall were entitled to gaslight me, humiliate me, and guilt trip into saying sorry for my reactions to being miserable and being mistreated, for even just walking out on yall when yall didn't even deserve shit from me.
Yall just wanted to control me, control my self esteem, control how I thought and how I felt about yall, just so you could torture me more for your stupid, sadistic, abusive sex toy, sex slave game. And I'm through with it. I hope the next bitch is smarter enough to catch on quicker and throw yall in jail, call the cops on yall. Let's see how you like being abused like that in there, you wouldn't like it if somebody did it to you, but you still do it to other people, then want to tag team the victim as if I'm in the wrong for being in pain. The pain that you started and brought up, cause yall got shit to deal with. Yo own daddy beat you till you got a cracked skull, so now you think its ok to beat me, because you still hurt by him?
LOOK IN THE FUCKING MIRROR JOCELYN YOU DOING IT JUST LIKE HIM!
FOLLOW IN YOUR DADDY FOOTSTEPS AND SEE WHERE IT GETS YOU.
I DONT CARE ABOUT THAT DUMB BITCH IN THE WHEELCHAIR THAT WHOOPED YO ASS TOO. SOUND LIKE YOU NEED TO HEAL FROM ALL THOSE FUCKING DEMONS INSTEAD TAKING ADVANTAGE OF GIRLS JUST LIKE ME AND THE OLD YOU.
YOU SUCK AT REDEEMING YOURSELF AND HAVE THE BALLS TO POINT THE FINGER AT ME WHEN I DIDN'T DO NOTHING BUT USE MY WORDS.
YOU THE BITCH THAT LIKE PUTTING YOUR HANDS ON WOMEN, CALLING US BITCHES, AND SLUTS, AND DEGRADING THEM JUST BECAUSE "oH iM tRaNs. I dOnT hAvE tO respect women."
You think you can push us around, tell us to bend over so you can penetrate us dry till we bleed, because you don't give a fuck about pleasing women either as a partner. No wonder ayunna asked me to fuck her. You don't like giving head, foreplay, boobs, none of that shit, but just torture it. Torture all of it.
You don't know how to be intimate, only abuse them and make fun of them. You're a tormenter and you'll always be like that. You don't even know how to make love to your soon to be wife, and it's been 2yrs and yall still engaged...the fuck who waits that long to be engaged and still sleeping with other ppl separately. Yall stupid, ignorant asses. Don't know nothing about sex, pleasing a woman, and making love.
No wonder yall separating everything. Even bought your own cats individually. Don't even know how to share or cooperate with other ppl. So damn controlling, you want other people to follow your damn orders with no input, no compromise. Like a fucking tyrant. It's your highway to hell. Lie in it. Die in it. I don't care. But trust, I will beat yo ass like you stole something the next time I see you and that dumb hoe you with. Cause she stupid too. Still letting you get a hall pass, when you can't even follow the rules you agreed to follow with her. You stupid cheating ass. Yall ain't shit.
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It’s all fun and games until you’re lying in bed and suddenly have a flash of what it FELT like to be depressed. I remember when all I could manage to do was lie in bed and daydream about all the things I wanted to accomplish but didn't have the energy to do any of it. I had mostly healed from it, but I think caffeine is a trigger and heavy emotions dont help either.
I am being triggered by my mother’s long forwards on the pandemic because she doesn't often care to fact check and is becoming the exact creature I fight outside the house. It feels like a personal defeat each time she does it because if my own family falls prey to fake news, then what hope do I have with other people? My politics unfortunately doesn’t let me be two-faced about this and I behave reactively in a way that I’m not proud of and only know how to help when I apply my head to it. Conflict resolution or healthy conflict resolution is not something I have any examples of at home, so taught myself it yet dont implement it at home. Maybe as punishment? To point out exactly how they make me feel when they attack me and send my whole body into panic? This morning my mother saw a bottle of coke in the fridge and yelled at me. She said she would throw it out if another bottle came home. I’m done cutting her slack and masking this as a mode of caring. Yes, I have thyroid and she reacted from a space of panic. But at 53, she’s an adult who should have learned how to regulate her emotions instead of taking her raw panic out on me even if it was induced by care and fear. I’m no one’s punching bag just because they’re having a chemical reaction in their own brain because then I dont see it as a form of care, but of aggression. It’s also a shit message to send out to your child? That someone operating from a space of care is ALLOWED to be verbally violent and threaten to take away something that’s brought you joy?
I was disgusted in that moment, but my nervous system was thrown into deregulation for the whole morning. It fucks with the work I have to do, and takes away from my ability to calmly focus on something. Most importantly, this behaviour brings out rebellion in me where I start to OD on the behaviour that brought out that reaction as a challenge against her. It’s self harm, but it comes from a space of raw anger that I’m still learning how to channel.
To be honest, I’m angry about a lot of things.
I’m angry that I’m being controlled and have no way out except for the way they decide is the way out. The problem with being furious with but also caring about the people who hurt you is that you learn to turn your anger and rage inward and when they react to you with rage and you react to yourself with rage, it’s easy to place yourself in the position of doormat. I let myself be taken for granted because they forced me to. If I’m being hateful, it’s only because I’m done being asked to hate myself for not following the path they think is best.
No, I shouldn't have to work extra hard to prove to my parents that I deserve freedom or a good education. They have crippled me, so now I have to do the work of picking myself up and walking. But this is so unfair, because I have next to no support while most people learning to walk in their early adult years had family rooting for them and a peer group learning to walk at the same time.
My journey is solitary because by virtue of being either uneducated (not his fault at all and I hate my grandfather for this) or disinterested in education (her fault because my maternal grandfather was completely supportive of her studying further) my parents think I’m supposed to fit into the mould of a traditional woman and push me to do things they think I’m not doing because THEY are afraid. My failure is the result of fear that wasn't even my own but was forced on me to carry along with the burden of shame.
I will not apologise for yelling at her today, no. She was thoughtless, and then turned my specific problem into a statement of me always having issues with her, which is untrue. I dont need to engage with her gaslighting or emotional blackmail any longer.
I’m literally getting married to escape being controlled and it’s sad how she knows this but still won't apologise to me because her ego gets in the way. My father might be the reason she’s doing all this, but I specially feel rage towards her because she’s the one enacting things that he left unsaid. She’s got agency of her own, but she chooses to squander it where required, but use it in full force to hurt me and my dreams of where I want to be and who I want to become. My life unfortunately has been confined within their ideas of what structures should resemble and I s2g I will not come back to live with them on their terms if I can help it.
But this is so bitter a realisation that I cant help but cry. Gautam doesn't love me and yet I feel the gutting loss of what could have been had my family been... not this way. We could have had a real future. We still can, but he doesn't love me, and this shouldn't hurt like this but it does?
Am I too old for heartbreak? I am, am I not?
He must think I’m absolutely obsessive and codependent, but I’m really just a person dealing with emotional abuse that’s lasted all my life (along with some good old physical beating with belts, hands, cutlery, brushes, whips, lol I’ve had a mirror broken on my leg a day before we were supposed to leave for a holiday when I was 10) and all I really want is to be able to look at him and securely call him mine because I’ve been carved out from the inside by complete lack of emotional support. I look at him and recognise someone who’s a little like me with a history of different kinds of abuse and each time he rejects me, I feel like I deserve to reject myself. Which is a very problematic approach to self love. I cant expect someone like me to love me because I’m lazy to do the work. Actually, I’m not lazy. I just feel so defeated that I keep lying down dreaming of the future and hoping he will love me enough for me to fill my insides with it and that will resurrect me. And each time I get knocked down I take it as my cue that things for me are destined to be hard and self loathing is the only relationship I can have with myself. But it’s not. I shouldn't be. This body has seen a literal whole lifetime of violence because it was brought into this world through violence. I wasn't wanted. So when I was born I was 97% dead and stories of how my own blood relatives are trash were told to me when I was very young and I didn't need to be told stories of such violence at 4 and 5.
I didn't need to be told that my grandmother wanted to burn my mother alive or that my mother didn't care enough about me and had run away when she’d left the house for a bit. She was tortured by them, so she took it out on me even if she claimed to love me. I know this because she still does it every time my father screams at her. I cant keep rationalising these things and understanding. I only have this empathy because I was used as her crutch for as long as I can remember. I cant do this anymore because despite emotionally depleting me she’s also violated my space and privacy multiple times and used violence against me to score brownie points with my father. 
I’m just disgusted with her and women like her who show women down for approval from men. She bit me because she couldn't bite her oppressor, even though I was literally just a child. And now I bite myself when I cant bite my oppressors and really need to unlearn it.
G made the right decision by not picking me. I’m a literal mess and his family is most definitely more stable than mine. He will never be able to hold me and witness me without pity/horror. Is it too much to want a stable life at home?
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sparklyandchic · 4 years
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🦋 MINI MIND MAKEOVER 🦋
okay i started the idea for this mini little mind makeover when i broke up with my boyfriend in like january. instead of being sad or angry, i wanted to be grateful for this time and take it as an opportunity to make life better for myself. then quarantine happened, so some of these are related to things i’ve learned since that started. either way, these aren’t all concrete things to do for your mind; some of them are just ways of thinking or pep talks. but if you can find one little piece of information or thought that makes you a little bit happier for a moment, that’s all i can hope for!
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5-htp: okay first off- please ALWAYS consult your psychiatrist or medical professional before taking a supplement! taking 5-htp with, for example, serotonin-increasing medications can lead to a fatal illness called serotonin syndrome. personally, i started taking it because i had been on 10 mg prozac for a few months. it definitely dulled a lot of my anxiety and had a lot of positive aspects to it, but it dulled them almost too much to the point where i felt apathetic and detached from myself and the situations i was in. i was in a very unhealthy relationship and felt like i needed my mental clarity and “overthinking” processes back in order to identify what i was feeling and how to deal with it. i felt a lot more “sensitive” after coming off it, which was actually really welcome for me at first, but then it sort of dropped off into withdrawals. i was having constant panic attacks and crying very often. after a while, i was debating going back on prozac, but remembered i had taken 5-htp before. 5-htp is an amino acid that is a direct precursor to serotonin being produced in the brain. when u eat turkey, tryptophan is converted into 5-htp which leads to your brain producing serotonin, thus why you feel calm and happy afterwards. after taking 5-htp for just a few days, ranging between 200-300 mg per day (again, do your research, ask your doctor, and start small) i stopped crying constantly and really felt this sense of calmness and wellbeing but without the detachment and apathy i felt with prozac. i could still think clearly but didn’t feel overly sensitive to every emotion which arose. personally, it is really a lifesaver and really does make a noticeable difference.
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cognitive behavioral therapy: ive tried therapy a million times. well okay, like 5 or 6 different therapists. at its worst, therapists told me i needed to use my sexual power as a woman in order to get what i wanted from men, told me i’m bad at socializing and should do group therapy, said my mom shouldn’t have encouraged me to “be myself” when i was younger because it made me less likeable than if i had conformed to normal societal standards of dressing. i had gone to “therapists” who claimed to be trained in CBT, but when i told them about my experiences with dissociation, the only feedback i got was to “take more baths.” while going through a few unpleasant experiences in my personal life, i decided i should try CBT once more, but like the real kind. i found an ivy-league educated licensed psychologist (NOT a “licensed clinical social worker” who doesn’t even have a psychology degree!!) who SPECIALIZED specifically in cognitive behavioral therapy. just after the first session, i was so elated with my experience. as opposed to just telling me that i needed to be more normal or more kind or a better person, she tried to identify WHAT was making me feel that way about myself in the first place. she pointed out the positive things i do and reassured me i was kind, good, and deserving of good things. she pointed out many aspects of my situation that would have taken me days or weeks to come to on my own. i’ve realized my hubris isn’t that i’m not socially acceptable or not perfect enough, but its just that i tend to THINK that i am these things despite having no evidence of it. so, over time with therapy, my positive self image about who i am as a person has grown and strengthened and i dont just randomly feel like a bad human being anymore lol. moral of the story, if you wanna do therapy but it keeps sucking, dont give up. go to a legit psychologist, find someone who specializes in the type of therapy you’re seeking, and also be vocal during your sessions. stand up to your psychologist when they continually push a narrative onto you, and explain why you don’t agree with it. sometimes it’s their job to try different narratives to see what fits, and if you just passively let them say what they want to, you’ll never find the truth of your experience! it’s a communal effort! therapy isn’t usually a magic cure-all where one session fixes everything that goes awry in your brain. but if you find someone who knows what they’re doing they can in fact really help your thought processes become less twisted up and more clear and healthy.
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meditation and mindfulness: a few weeks ago i felt anxious and overly driven to get things done to the point where i spiraled into a space of guilt or a panic attack over not getting enough things done. meditation can be so so helpful here. it’s better to spend an hour sitting and doing nothing, but doing it peacefully and then calmly moving on to doing something else, than to spend 5 hours stressing yourself over every single thing you need to get done and how much time you’re wasting. the things that need to get done will get done. another thing that i’ve realized and say to myself a lot is: “focus not on doing all things perfectly, but on doing the small things well.” by this i mean, stop thinking about the 20 things you need to get done and how it all needs to be perfect, but instead take your time with the task that presents itself as most beneficial right now and focus on enjoying it and giving your whole self to the process. for example, stop thinking about how you need to clean your room, your closet, donate clothes, take a shower, take out the trash, read, workout, etc. think to yourself; “which task would bring me the most joy right now?” if the answer is taking a shower, then take that damn shower. bring your speaker into the bathroom, scrub every inch of your scalp with shampoo, scrub your feet and behind your ears and your neck with body wash, brush the conditioner through your hair fully. you may end your shower with 19 other things to do, but god damn if you can’t enjoy a single one of them and be present for it, what’s the fucking point! go light a candle and bask in its glow, go make your bed and huddle up in your neatly arranged covers, go take a long bath or a thorough shower, and be proud of and content with that today. 
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relationships, with others and yourself: okay, if you missed the memo, my ex-boyfriend sucked. like genuinely was a bad person. he was a drug dealer, so that’s red flag number 1 (which i ignored of course), he hadn’t graduated high school (he was 18, i was 20, he was supposed to graduate the last semester but refused to do the work and ignored me and his mother when encouraged to do it, which is uhh definitely red flag number 2 which i also ignored), he habitually did not show up for dates on time or lied about what he was going to do or what he did (literally everything he did was a red flag and i rlly ignored all of it). the worst part was how he responded when i worked up the courage to speak to him about it. if we had agreed upon a time for our date but he showed up literally 8 hours late, he would blame it on me because i “could have called” him, or that i was “demanding too much of” him, or that i “should have said something earlier so now [i was] just dragging it out because it already happened.” basically, whatever narrative he pushed at me, i eventually gave into. i’ve dealt with gaslighting in a relationship before and a part of me knew what was happening to me, but a part of me also kept having hope for him, kept empathizing with him, kept wanting to believe in him. after a bit too much time, i finally realized you have to trust yourself, empathize with yourself, and believing in yourself over anyone else. at first i felt bad for him not being able to graduate because i had my own struggles with high school and getting work done. i thought he may have issues but he deserves someone to be there for him because i wanted someone to be there for me. despite the pain and stress he was causing me, i sat around crying over him because i cared about him and tend to over-empathize with people close to me, whether they deserve it or not. my therapist told me something that at first i did not understand, but over time came to grasp in its entirety: “some people do not deserve your love or kindness.” after our first session, my homework was to “consider when you are being kind and when you are being taken advantage of.” this made me realize that what feels like your instinctual nature to be nice to others, can in fact be a self-sabotaging unfair action, depending on the other person’s response. i might be dishing out a lot right now, but bear with me. think of it this way: you regard an action as a “kind action”. you might think “kind actions” include: forgiving someone for large mistakes, putting someone’s needs over yours, sparing them some change when they ask for it, listening to the problems they are dealing with every day. BUT when their actions include not forgiving you for minor mistakes, not giving a sh*t about your needs or considering them, not caring how much money they take from you and how much money you need to have around, or habitually glossing over your problems because it doesn’t benefit them to care, THEN those actions you performed are NOT “KIND ACTIONS” anymore. the act of continuing to give them leeway is now the act of being taken advantage of. the act of giving them money is now the act of being taken advantage of. the act of buying into their story at the expense of your sanity, is now the act of being taken advantage. basically, all i’m saying is START PUTTING YOURSELF FIRST AND TRUSTING YOURSELF WHEN YOU FEEL SOMEONE DOESN’T HAVE YOUR BEST INTERESTS IN MIND. 
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ending thoughts: i know quarantine is difficult right now. the desire to grow contrasted with the inability to move. maybe try and follow that old 2008~ quote; “bloom where you are planted”. you might not be able to reach the goals you thought you would during this time. you might not be able to run a marathon or make a bunch of new friends or wake up at 6 AM to workout or redo your bedroom or get a rhinoplasty or join a gym or get an internship. working towards productivity might be unrealistic right now. but you can work everyday towards becoming the woman you want to be, mentally. you can work on learning to be content, learning to make the best with what you have, learning to appreciate the little things, learning to slow down. these are all qualities that i for one want to have just as much as i want to be attractive or successful. if you can’t enjoy success, what’s the fucking point! life is on pause right now, take this moment as a gift and consider your internal world and what parts of your mind need a makeover. there are horrible things happening in the world right now, do what you can to help, but if you’re safe and healthy then be grateful for the things you can learn from this difficult time. take it slow, but keep moving forward! 
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remmiesaloser · 4 years
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13 Years | 4 Weeks
honestly, I dont know which of the two have been longer in my life. 
so recently I ended a 13 year long relationship with the guy I've been dating since my freshman year of high school. it took me this long to understand, acknowledge, and accept the relationship was emotionally (and borderline physically) abusive and thanks two my two best friends and a very nice therapist I asked him to move out.
I thought the overwhelming life style change would be the hardest. I haven't been alone since I was 14 and it took me a long time to build up the courage to end things because I am terrified of change and had little to no idea what to do without him. to my surprise I've adapted to being alone pretty well. the loneliness does get to me sometimes - I miss those moments we had where we could have a conversation without speaking. I miss over a decade’s worth of inside jokes, and it still hurts when I see something and instantly think of him cause it was our thing.
its a daily struggle to remind myself why I did this because its frighteningly easy to minimize the damage he did when he’s not here to do it every day. the gaslighting and emotional manipulation isn't something that just switches off or diminishes with distance. somehow, in some super shitty, unfair way, it gets worse. because im left alone with my thoughts that he’s managed to turn against me and they’re still working angles for him that catch me off-guard sometimes. I still battle with guilt for making him move out, because I feel terrible that now he’s stuck living with his mom and all his things are in boxes. and I hate that it’s gonna take a long time for that to go away. 
but I digress. because all of that isn’t the hardest part. the hardest part is getting him the fuck out of this apartment. we 'ended things’ April 5th. there are quotes around that because we haven’t officially broken up. like, I told him I needed a break till he gets his shit together, and he’s all but moved out, but I haven’t even changed our relationship status on Facebook (yay, guilt!) and we haven't really agreed that we’re broken up. Jesus, again I digress. ANYWAYS. I knew it was gonna be a process to move him out because our lives are so intertwined that we’ve had to go through rooms and drawers and boxes one by one separating our shit. and this process has been fucking agonizing because he is dragging his goddamn feet. 
Initially I thought we were gonna bang this out in a weekend, get all the shit out and be done. A month later, and there’s still a pile of his shit at the top of the stairs, a handful of things in the corner of the living room (including the giant china cabinet filled with his things) and his grandmother’s dishes in my cupboards. but that’s a post for another day. because right now im just gonna vent about him taking his sweet ass time, being insanely petty, and still somehow fucking manipulating me when he doesn’t even live here anymore. 
honestly the pettiness and inconsideration for my own time and requests is the biggest thing that’s getting to me, what’s driving me to write this. most of the time he’s been here for his shit, his mom’s been with him, and I was chalking up a lot of the pettiness to her. because he’d be here to get the things from the living room, and hours after they'd left I’d notice small things had been taken from other parts of the house. now some of the stuff he’s taken was his, just something I was using with him that I’d assumed he’d at least mention he was taking. im a lot of things, but selfish isn’t one of them and honestly unless it’s something from my family or something that I bought that was expensive, I don’t care. he can have it. It’s more the fact that, when I need something all of a sudden I cant find it and realize he took it. 
like, his nana’s pots and pans. They’re a really nice set his mom let us have and I fully expected them gone. my only request was that he give me a heads up so I could go out and get my own set when he planned to take them because with them gone, all I’d have left is a few frying pans. This is our conversation from that weekend:  
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This was Saturday afternoon. He never told me he wasn’t going to come by Saturday, and gave me a 15 minute heads up he was on his way over on Sunday - which did me no good because I wasn’t even home. That meant I couldn’t clean out the dressers (I didnt want to do it until the day he was going to get them because I would have to leave my clothes on the bed until I could get my own dresser from my parent’s house once his were gone). When I got home, all of my clothes were thrown on my bed and the ground.I had to rewash a bunch of shit, refold everything, and then clean the entire room from the mess that was made. 
fucking on top of that, his mom decided to take the pots and pans. I’d specifically asked him Saturday because I was going to Walmart and could have bought a new set for myself while there. I didn't want to buy them until I needed to because I’m trying to save money and didn’t get paid that weekend, so I figured if he’s not taking them I don’t need to get things until I get paid next weekend. Wrong. I had to go out that night again and get a set because, as I said, all I had were 3 frying pans and a skillet thing. Oddly enough, she didn’t take the dishes. They were her mom’s, just like the pots and pans, and for some reason she didn’t want them... don’t worry, I already plan to pack them up this weekend and give them back because lord knows what’ll happen if I dont and she decides she wants them six years from now. 
honestly though the biggest level of petty was the Tylenol PM. I know, it’s not a big deal. But it’s just one of those little things that I stopped and was like, are you fucking kidding me. I noticed that, after taking his bed and dressers, the pack of tissues he’d got us from Sam’s was gone. Again, he bought them, whatever. would’ve been nice for him to tell me so I had a heads up to fucking get them when I was at Walmart but whatever. he also took a 6-pack of toilet paper he’d gotten literally the day we ended things (because he’d gone to king Soopers with his mother instead of talking to me about the fight we’d had) and he’d initially told me to keep it, it was for me anyways. I noticed just last weekend it was gone. 
but the fucking Tylenol PM. I'm not one to buy brand name medicine. if I can get store brand, I will. Almost all my medicine is store brand except that Tylenol PM because I was really sick one year and wanted the good stuff. Y’all know how expensive Tylenol is. I sprang for it, and I used it sparingly because I didnt want to have to buy more if I didn’t really need it. Well, two weekends ago I fell down a fucking mountain. I was running a trail down a mountain, tripped, flew through the air, and landed on my shoulder and kneecap. It still hurts, and that day I was in a lot of pain. The regular Tylenol and Ibuprofen that I’d been switching back and forth with all day just wasn’t doing the trick and I was like, okay. this is a Tylenol PM kind of pain. That night, right before bed, I went to grab it from the bathroom cabinet. 
it was gone. the rest of my medicines, the store brand acetaminophen and store brand ibuprofen, those were still there, but the Tylenol PM was gone. It has exclusively only lived either on the dresser/nightstand in the bedroom, or the bathroom cabinet. as he took the dresser and nightstand, and it wasn’t in the cabinet, it had been taken. I cannot tell you how livid I was. it still pisses me off. because of all the things to take he took that. Not the rest of his bathroom shit, not even all his shit from the bedroom. but he took the Tylenol PM. I even asked if he knew where it might be - thinking he’d come across it at some point. he told me “it’s always been in the linen closet” where the rest of our medicines are. It was never there, but I checked the entire closet just in case - nothing. Again, I know it’s small. it’s just a bottle of pills. but it’s the whole damn thought behind it. 
there’s more things too - the fact that no, he doesn’t take all his things from a certain room, and I have to then box the rest of his shit up, move it out of my way, and clean the room that he trashed. 
It’s the fact that 90% of the things on our walls were his (which helps show me how little say I had on my own things in the apartment I exclusively pay for) and now that he’s taken them, he’s left the walls, hooks, and nails behind. most of them are up way above my head - he needed a ladder to put them in - and now they’re littered all over the wall. today, as he worked to get the shit from our front bedroom (hopefully the last things he’ll need to get) I asked him if he could also get the nails and hooks out of the wall because I can’t reach them. he asked me, “did you try using the step-ladder?”. I answered no, and he simply said, “that should work then”. Like, no. you put those up, so you could display all the things of yours YOU wanted to display (3 out of 4 walls in the room were covered with his things) and now he can’t even take the tacks down even though he took the hangings down. 
and then of course, it’s the fact that he just leaves a mess in his wake. when he first moved things out of the living room it was a mess. I spent hours rearranging shit, packing up the rest of his shit that he left behind, and then cleaning up everything because I still have to live here. it was the same with the bedroom. and now it’s gonna be the same thing with the front room. I told him today that everything needs to be out by next weekend because I can’t do this every weekend. He asked what I meant by ‘this’ and explained that I was tired of having to clean up everything that got messed up. He told me simply “it’s not being destroyed. I’m just taking my things”. At the moment the entire room was in shambles, everything askew from him digging his things out and leaving my stuff lying in piles. It’s cleaned up now - save the pile of boxes and junk at the top of the stairs - but I told him I have to clean up the mess that’s left behind. He didn’t have an answer for that. 
Honestly there’s really not a point to this. I’m just pissed, I’m annoyed, and I’m angry, and I’m sad. I’m just tired. And I wanted to vent. So if you stuck with me through this, I wanna thank you for listening. I appreciate being heard, because I haven’t been for so long. your time means a lot to me. 
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dwindlingashesburnt · 5 years
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"Secrets" vs Secrets
I tell myself I'm an open person who tries to, and wants to, discuss stuff about myself and preferably receive the same from others. But I don't, not really, I share "secrets" but not secrets
I share, for example, laughing as though it's funny, how I and H never really talked until A joined the group. How A made our friendship group work
I don't share how scared and jealous I was. How I didn't know A well, and was divided between being angry on her behalf for her shitty ex-friends, or angry at her, because H was the only one I had even if at that point we barely counted as acquaintances, and I was really scared A and H would go off and I would be alone again. Or how, at times, I thought H was better than A or vice versa and wanted to be friends with one of them and the other to leave. How sometimes I felt so guilty for that. How sometimes I didn't feel guilty for it at all, but knew I should, and wondered if that made me a bad person
I share how I feel like when I'm alone with Iz, we both become really awkward and never really manage to have a decent conversation alone. I don't share how I sometimes get caught up in the differences, because I worry they mean we're not as close or I won't act as though we're as close as Iz believes us it be, because I struggle with how little she talks about deep feelings, how she isn't a fan of physical affection, but am equally aware that just as I feel as though she's failing to speak my language on those levels, I'm just as highly aware that I'm utterly failing to make hers when she makes jokes or comments, and sometimes I don't understand them, or I understand them literally but can't tell if that's what she means, what she may mean if the meaning isn't that literal. I'm overly aware that in my admittedly limited circle of about 6 friends,she's the only one who isn't white, and I'm overly aware of my stupid lack of knowledge there and the subconscious tendency for me to be slightly racist and not even realise for a long moment, and how I try to fix that, but maybe not hard enough? What if she picks up on it? What if I fuck up badly and say something awful? I'm a pathetic coward for not being able to address her about this to her face, I know, but I equally fret that if I did force myself to tell her this or ask her to call me out if I do mess up, that this may be overstepping a line - I know for example that many lgbt people get angry when people ask a lot of questions in a poor manner, for acting like they have no choice but to sit there and be a source of information instead of a person. Does the same apply here? Would I be doing that to Iz? I do not want to hurt her. As much as I don't understand her, I like her, I consider her a friend...I feel awful for thinking about her like this. I don't know how to fix this, or if it needs fixing - maybe as far as she's aware, there's nothing wrong except mild awkwardness, and I just need to fix my issues on my own time. I don't know
I share how I don't really want to go to the school counsellor or whatever because I don't think they address such serious stuff, I have always been given the impression that they address things like exam stress and bullying only, and that even then they dont address it very well it seems. I share how I'm worried things would get back to my mother
I don't share how I'm also afraid it would get out to my friends, the decent people in my family, the school. I don't share that I'm afraid if I went, the counsellor would write everything I say down and then take it back, report every word to my mother, my abuser - and I'm aware this is in all likelihood a ridiculous fear but it is a real fear to me. I'm scared that, even if no specific information got back to my parents or family, they may be informed/find out I'm going to counselling at school, if not why or anything - and I hate and fear the idea of that. I don't know HOW I'd get to see a counsellor at school, meaning I'd like to have to go via teachers and leading staff, meaning many of the staff would know. I don't want them to know. I don't want anyone to know. I don't want it. I'm scared I'd go to it, and the counsellor would either tell me nothing was wrong with me and send me away without help, or tell me far far more is wrong with me than I think there is and make me have to confront that. Or they'll tell me it's something entirely different from what I expect, or they won't be what I expect, or they'll call me out on my redirecting, or they'll look at me and say okay. You've told me all your problems - you've revealed you know what they are, often why they are, you've considered what you could do to solve them. What have you actually done to try and solve them? And I will be forced to look right at them and say I have done nothing, or as good as nothing. Because it is true, as much as I like to claim otherwise. I could do so much more.
I share little about how I used to be so convinced supernatural stuff was happening, how some things my sibling said seemed to match up. How unsure I am about hat was telling happening, in hindsight - was it real, dream, hallucination, daydream? I was losing time at that point in time - was I passing put for some reason, or just forgetting, or what? I half convinced myself at the time it was linked to supernatural - was this my way of covering up what didn't make sense to me? I know this was a time where I was increasingly reliant on "thought processes", as far as I know faced no physical danger but did face immense emotional stress constantly - I was convinced I could be killed any moment - and I was losing time and it felt like I was slipping out of control and then there was that night where I was not in control of my body. But someone else was and I could hear their voice and a sliver of their intentions without a full view of their big picture and I remember screaming panicking flailing at the back of my mind while at the same time, at the same time I was them and I was drifting and idle and my smile was unnatural and felt wrongwrongwrong and I was looking for the key to the window, and so too was I my body just empty, just moving, while these two within were in conflict, and I remember finally a voice, a third that was not mine or theirs, and it made them retreat, and I was in control, and I was shaking and felt like I was in shock afterward. The dreams, too. How I have wondered for a while now whether, at that stage, had DID. If that was even a possibility, or what could have caused it to happen - whether, if I did have DID, if that means that there is bad stuff I dont remember still? Wondering whether it even matters now, as I seem not to lose any time now, as I seem to have somehow fixed it. Wondering if, if I did have it, maybe I didn't 'fix it' - maybe I'm still losing time and whoever may or may not be in my head with me just got better at hiding information that would indicate as such for the sake of the system being healthy. Wondering how close I pushed myself to that stage with my refusal to deal with anything, whether if I do or did have DID, how much of that is/would be my fault. During that night I had been messaging an online friend the whole time, even when it didn't exactly feel like it was me typing - I want to discuss it with him, badly. I wonder if he remembers. I wonder if he actually knows or realises what had been going on - how, although in retrospect I realise I probably would have been unlucky to even break an ankle, I had been so scared they would find the key and open the window and jump and I would be dead with no prescense more than hysteria trapped in my own head and watching. How I sat there afterwards and a while after, when it had processed, I felt trapped and scared - so terribly scared - and desperate and actually...rather bitter or angry. Because this was a time where I felt my control and free will were practically non-existent, self harm used to make me feel I had control but then people took that from me, so that night...When that person took control and seemed like they were aiming to commit suicide, they took the last two things I felt belonged to me - my mind, and my death. I was angry and scared and desperate, and I felt so trapped I wanted to scream because it felt like everything was closing in on me so tight I wanted to rip my skin right through and climb out of it, I could barely breathe, and I'm not sure but I think I had a panic attack then (?)
I share little bits about this, but not the full extent of it - I don't DO enough and that scares me. I'm scared I'll end up alone and starving and useless because I don't do enough to socialise with the people I hace,p or nake new friends, or learn to cook or naythibg else I need. I frequently struggle even to get the things I WANT done. I'm scared there's simething wrong with me.
I have no sense of time. I don't know why - when I searched it was suggested this could be part of being subject to emotional abuse and gaslighting, depression, or dissassocitation. I know the first two are relebent to me, I don't know about the other two but I'm fairly certain if thet arent relevent now then they used to be. I struggle with things because of this - I can't tell what happened when, Ive literally said that something that turned out to have happened less than two weeks ago happened about two years ago, and vice versa.
I have massive issues with control: I make decisions either to comply entirely with what people suggest/order or do the exact opposite of what is suggested/ordered, far far far more than I actually judt make the desciison that I want or seems sensible, meaning I effectively dont have control over my decidions. I constantly lose the battle agaunst my own mind. I go into exams every day absolutely exhausted because whenever Im at all stressed, my automatic response is to deprive myself of sleep in order to prive to myself that Im in control, that I wont heed the orders of any people I know, society, or my own fucking body if it disagrees with me. But this is one area where Im veey very very wrong, especually since despite my tendency to deprive myself of sleep, I function awfully on even as much as 5 or 6 hours sleep - it makes my brain fuzzy, I function on autopilot, I strugfle to tune in or concentrate or eat......and of course thsi makes me feel out of cobtrol, so I sleep even less
I struggle to distinguish between what i genuinely want, and what are self destructive thoughts. For example - hypnosis - is this self detsructive of me or not? I don't know. I know when I used to be obsessed with the idea of bdsm, that was self destructive, tying together things I wanted and things that would harm me badly in all sorts of ways together - now I'm still attracted to incredibly specific ideas of powerplay, but I camt figure out if thats a genuine want Ive separated from all he rest, or just the new disguise my self destructive tendencies are now wearing. Same with ideas of sex - explicit references to sex, as in acyual genitals an dstuff, makes me feel uncomfortable, grossed out, unsafe, nervous. But I like stuff that is intended to be expicit or pornographic - but stays almost entirely as mental games, and feelings, no physical stuff or sex stuff please. But wheres the line here? I don't know.
(This is tmi but sometimes I get really frustrated, and feel very alone and angry and ashamed....because with vague stuff like I mentioned, I enjoy it, I get pretty aroused, it's good. But if I try to deal with it, like masturbate or anything, it ruins it because then I feel gross and unsafe and very much like I want to cry. So although I want to be able to enjoy myself sexually, it inevitably ends either in failed masturbation making me want to cry, or in me eventually losing interest in the activity but my body fails to correspond properly so I'm forced to be there, struggling to distract myself from how my body is still aroused, and feeling increasingly ashamed and self pitying and stupid while that's happening. Neither are good and I hate it because I know I can like, feel all hot and nice and stuff, but there is no way i can have that without it ending in misery one way or another. And of course both make me feel very distanced from my body, inevitably making me feel very very insecure)
I used to age regress. Not sexually, but just...to deal with things. Because my problems are generally big, overwhelming and complex, I was able to put them in the box of "grown up stuff" in my head, and it wasnt the same as repressing it or ignoring it - it was still very much there, and I was very much aware of it, but it just didn't register as important to me while in 'little space', which meant I was able to relax, feel safe and happy and vulnerable without fear for a few hours, and then I could gradually ease myself back into opening that box up again and be able to deal with all of it in a much better fashion because I would be so much calmer, with a clear head.
Except obviously, when i was in little space I acted childishly. Not overwhlemingly so, I don't think? But I'd speak weird, and be very overenergetic and stuff, and I'd be a bit jsut different. Problem was....I had nobody to take care of me when I was in little space, and nobody made me feel safe to even be around - even if they didnt know what was happening, some people like my mother were deliberately cruel about my acting immature and whatever, some friends just...questioned it a lot and asked me to calm down a lot, and some theoretically were absolutely okay with it but just seemed so obviously to be humouring me......It upset me a lot to get that sort of reaction in little space when I was so much more vulnerable emotionally. And it just...escalated. very quickly, the constant mantra of "they hate me they hate me they hate me why am I here I shouldnt be doing this they hate me they hate me" had infiltrated my little space as well as my normal life and I could no longer just file it away in the "grown up box" for an hour or three
I tried only age regressing on my own, but as a kid I was afraid of being alone, and now I'm afraid of being alone, so ultimately all it did was make me feel helpless, incredibly lonely and put me in a state emotionally vulnerable enough that what I would normally get over fairly easily quickly had me hysterical. I also started losing control of going in and out of it? Easing myself in and out of it was vital for it to actually help me, but I started rapidly falling into little space as I became more and more distressed and panicky and miserable in normal life, and equally (largely due to other people, but then after due to my own emotions) started crashing after little space instead of gradually easing out of it - which not only undoes any and all good that little time may have done, it also makes me feel unsafe, empty in an awful way, miserable, and overall awful.
Eventually I stopped regressing at all
And that made me pretty miserable - because while i found other ways to solve issues, I lost the ability to just put it on pause for a while. I almost never am able to relax, I sometimes relax more than other times, but when I stopped regressing I lost the only time I felt safe enough to relax COMPLETELY. And while I know at least some of my friends and family love me unconditionally, and are proud of me, feeling it is another thing entirely - and when I was little I was absolutely certain on that, and that carried over into normal life giving me confidence. Now i don't have that.
The other day A, me, an english teacher and a classmate were discussing stuff in class, and it somehow got onto people who identify as an age (??? Never heard of that before and personally think it makes no sense, but anyway) and that led onto age regression as a method of coping?
I spent most of that part of the conversation feeling like I wanted to participate, but equally wanting not to sound too passionate or knowledgeable because he was there, a TEACHER was there, and I could feel A's eyes on me, god I was so aware of A and so terrified she'd turn around and say she hated me.
But. But that conversation made me want it again, and feel sad about it because I know I can't- like literally, I cannot, it's been plagued with bad stuff enough that I don't feel able to and I'm constantly so incredibly tense and feel do unsafe I cannot relax enough to slip into little space and haven't been able to for probably two years, but i have no idea, because as previously mentioned I'm crap with time. It also made me kinda wanna mention the fact that I used to do it to my friends? Idk
I'm just. I'm very very aware that while I want to be, and lie to myself saying I am, an open person, I'm aware there's a lot of stuff I keep quiet (thid is oh so little of it) and what's more, I lie about the little things. CONSTANTLY. So. So I'm a fake.
I just....I don't know
I don't know what more to write
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thechryseis · 5 years
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Midnight musings
Hey @taylorswift
It’s currently 11.53pm. I will be seeing you in Melbourne in 20 days. I am so excited I can barely sleep. But I need to tell you how much you mean to me. I know this will come across as a sob story and I truly do not want it to come across that way, but your case last year, where you spoke for so many of us against sexual assault means so much to me.
So. Here goes.
I was in a long term relationship. It was messy and toxic. In Australia we have certain criteria for what comes under the umbrella term “family violence.” This includes, but isn’t limited too, physical violence, emotional abuse and/or manipulation, financial abuse and rape. If you had the list of criteria I could tick every box for what I experienced. He would keep me prisoner in my own home. Force himself on me. Gaslight me. Make me feel like only he could ever love me. Would say I looked like a whore if I ever wore makeup. He wouldn’t even let me see my family. I had to rely on him for everything, including food. When he hit me, it was my fault. It got too much when he left our 3 month old baby in the bath by himself and refused to allow me in the bathroom. That was the worst night of my life. If my baby hadn’t been born I’d probably still be there or dead. But when my son was put at risk that was it. I had to get out and protect my child. I still see him every single week... and it’s torture.
But no one believes me. There is no evidence. Only his word against mine and his carry’s more weight because he was diagnosed with Aspergers in his teens. It sucks. I tried to get justice for myself, but it never happened and I was always told that bringing these charges against him just makes me look bad. Especially as there was a custody battle over our son. “How dare she make claims about rape and assault against someone with a mental disorder! She’s just saying it to get the kid full time. What a bitch.” I heard someone say that. It was gut wrenching. Your victory was amazing for people like me. I’m so glad they believed you Taylor.
I am still suffering mentally from that relationship. It ended in 2013, and my son is about to start his first year at school in January. He was diagnosed with Autism and ADHD last year. That was tough, but he has therapy every week and he is understanding things much easier. His favourite song is “I don’t wanna live forever.” We’ve had him listen to all of your discography and he says he loves them, but that’s the only song he has on repeat lol. My future husband has a back injury so he can’t work and even struggles to hold our 1 year old daughter. We are both at uni in order to make something worthwhile with our lives. My partner is working towards a career in IT and I am doing a Bachelor or Criminal Justice with a minor in community health and services. I hope to work in child protection next year, and eventually as a counsellor in the court system.
So why am I telling you this? Why am I putting this online for everyone to see? Because you mean something very special to me Taylor. When I was trying to put myself back together again after I left my ex, you released 1989. I was born October 19th, 1989. Your album made me feel all the feelings. Your album pushed me to enjoy the smaller moments of my life. Your album made me feel strong and powerful in myself. But most of all, 1989 helped me to trust again. I deal with depression and anxiety after my relationship, but I found relaxation in art. I love to paint. My favourite artist is Jane Davenport and I swear I have an addiction to art supplies! Mostly just an addiction to her art supplies. Rainbowitis she calls it. I call it a debt waiting to happen lol. I’m far too poor to afford her amazing supplies, but one day I hope to earn enough money to fill up a studio with all of her gorgeous supplies. I will draw and sketch and paint and just create for hours when I’m feeling anxious or melancholy. All because of you. I used to feel guilty for wanting something for myself. You taught me to shake it off! Without you, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I wouldn’t be able to love or trust anyone without you. I still can’t look at myself in a mirror but I dont plan to rush that.
If I ever got to meet you Taylor, I think my questions would revolve around your fav art supplies/brands and if you have a favourite painter. I mean do you take a sketchbook with you or do you art journal like katherine hiegl and Jane Davenport. I’d want to show you my fav art youtubers. I feel like I know you. I feel like you are that one friend I know will always support me. Always tell me the truth. The kind of friend that won’t turn their back on me when I make a mistake. I only hope I can be that kind of friend to you. Our relationship is different, but it’s special. We don’t need to sit down and have coffee every Saturday morning. Ours is a deep mutual respect. I am so proud of what you have become, of how happy you are.
When I saw the videos of you online, where you were scared, my heart broke. I know how it feels to be truly afraid for your life, and the lives of your loved ones. That fear feels so encompassing at times and I am so sorry that you have had to experience it. You don’t deserve that. If I could Taylor, I would move mountains to protect you, because you mean so much to me, and millions of others like me. We will stand by you and protect you. We will forever love you. We will stay.
P.S. it’s 12.40am on the 6th of October 2018... I can’t believe I’m going to your concert in 20 days!!!!!!
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