Tumgik
#i filter so much of myself and im still so exhausting to be around
anakin-pilled · 2 months
Text
𝘨𝘰𝘳𝘨𝘦𝘰𝘶𝘴 - anakin skywalker x fem! reader (part three)
Tumblr media Tumblr media
pairing: anakin skywalker x fem! reader
wordcount: 9.4k
warnings: no use of y/n, mentions of EDs, body dysmorphia/body issues, fainting, mistreatment, hospitalization, crying, reader being emotional, anakin being a reckless driver, half proofread bc i got lazy (will probably edit another day, its late af as im posting this)
rating: 18+
author's note: hi, i'm so sorry for the delay on chapter three! life got really busy and i found myself not having enough time to write, but now life has settled and i finally had enough time and inspo to finish this chapter. i literally forced myself to stay home this weekend and finish this chapter bc i'll be traveling this week and won't have time to write. i hope i made up for it by making this chapter longer than usual!! let me know if u have any questions or comments. reblogs, comments, and likes are greatly appreciated xx
creds to saradika for the divider!
Tumblr media
You originally had no plans this weekend, but after much persuasion from one of your closest friends, you decided to attend some party that a friend of a friend was hosting. It was better than being locked up in your apartment all weekend, letting the thoughts of Anakin consume your mind and slowly pick away at your sanity. After all, it gave you the chance to dress up prettily, consume free hooch, and maybe find someone to get under and help you get over Anakin. 
The water in your porcelain sonic tub was doused in a fragrant Crimson Jelly Spire oil and mixed with the fragile petals of a Jasmine flower. The combination of spice and sweetness left your skin refreshed and smelling good. The midday light of Corscant filtered through the windows and cast the nearly all-ivory refresher in an ethereal lighting. The water swished around you as you hugged your knees to your chest and laid the side of your cheek on top of them. You trained your eyes on the refresher’s ceilings before blowing a loose piece of hair out of your face. You ran this bath about an hour ago, but you had yet to get up because your mind was occupied by him. Staying away from Anakin was harder than you anticipated. Your mind recalled, for about the hundredth time today, two instances that happened over the last few rotations.
Tumblr media
The first instance with Anakin left you unnerved and unconfident in your self-proclamation to stay away from him. 
The benefit concert was only a few rotations away now, so you started practicing. Even though you were only performing songs that you already performed and rehearsed before, it still didn’t hurt to practice even more. This was going to be broadcast across the Republic, so you had to be perfect. 
You holed yourself up in your practice room for the majority of the day. The only time you saw Anakin was in the morning when your protocol droid prepared breakfast. You told Anakin that you would be practicing with your team of dancers for the day, so there was no need for him to stay with you all day. You encouraged him to take the day off and reassured him that your practice suite was located in a safe building with 24/7 security watch. Anakin insisted that he at least drop you off. He could take the time to stop by the Temple and check in on Ahsoka’s training.
That was hours ago. It was nearing your twelfth hour of continuous practice and you were exhausted, to say the least. Your vocal cords felt raw from the amount of singing you did today, and the legs in your muscles were spasming from the constant repetition of your dancing. You dismissed your team members around two hours ago, you didn’t think they should be subjected to your perfectionist tendencies. One of them, a Pantoran girl named Chione, voiced her concern for you. Chione was one of your oldest dancers, she joined your team during your first mini-tour around a few Core planets and has never left your team since. You considered her one of your closest friends.
“Are you positive that you’re okay to practice on your own? You’ve barely had any food today. I don’t want you fainting with no one to help,” voiced Chione in a dulcet tone. She was always looking out for your well-being, especially because she knew how hard you could be on yourself. Chione was a source of bright life in your life and one of the most genuine people you’ve ever known.
“I’ll be fine, Chione. I had a heavy breakfast, and I’ve made sure to eat energy pudding bars and stay hydrated during our breaks,” you reassured your friend. She looked unconvinced, but you rushed her out of the room with a kiss on her cheek and a promise to send her a message once you arrived home.
Now that you had the studio to yourself, you decided to go through a few more drills and focus on the routines that you struggled with the most. You weren’t always a perfectionist. Back when you lived on Bar’leth, you were neither the smartest student in your grade nor the dumbest student–you were perfectly average. You didn’t feel the need to engage in your classmates’ cutthroat competition or push yourself more than you required. Even when it came to your musical prowess, you sang and studied instruments because you enjoyed it and it brought you happiness. If you were stuck on learning a certain composition or hitting the right note, you would always put in your best effort, but you never lost any sleep over it. You knew that if you were to put pressure on yourself, it would take the enjoyment away. Music was yours, without any strings, expectations, or attachments to soil your relationship with it.
That swiftly changed once you were signed a record deal with one of Coruscant’s most famous record labels, Interstellar Records. You didn’t even know it was possible to become famous at the intergalactic level. Most of the artists you listened to on Bar’leth were artists from your planet. The galaxy’s population is enormous–Coruscant alone has around three trillion people! You never imagined that your name would known anywhere besides Bar’leth. Yet, luck seemed to be on your side on that one fateful day.
The story of how you were discovered is quite simple. Your school hosted an annual festival for the anniversary of the formation of Bar’leth’s government. It’s a joyous holiday where students are encouraged to promote Bar’leth’s culture through food, traditional customs, and performances. Families and regular citizens flock to the school to join and watch the students at the festival. It’s a day you look forward to every year. Each class section is assigned to a particular event. The graduating class of that year is always assigned to open the festival with a choir rendition of Bar’leth’s national anthem. You were asked to lead the choir since the music instructor knew of your talent, which meant that you would be the main singer. Little did you know that one of the executives from Interstellar Records was at the school festival. One of his nephews attended your school, so that was his reason for being there. As soon as you got off the stage and the festivities started, you were immediately pulled to the side by your school’s headmaster who introduced you to the executive. He spoke to you about your talent, and how he believed that you could make something of yourself with proper training and a recording label to manage you.
That was five years ago, and a lot has changed since then. After finishing your last year of government-mandated education, you moved to Coruscant and began your career as a professional artist. Life suddenly flipped. Your upbringing on Bar’leth was humble. You came from a decent, middle-class family and lived in a standard home. Suddenly, you lived in a fancy Coruscant apartment with the former senator Sheev Palpatine, and you were always surrounded by a team of managers who dictated your schedule from morning to night. You were given vocal training, attended dance classes, and sat through etiquette and media training courses all while trying to produce your debut record. The first year of your career was marked by sleepless nights due to the sheer amount of activities on your daily agenda. Many times throughout the first year, you debated if this was a smart decision.
You continuously pushed yourself through it because dreams weren’t achieved by themselves. You had to work to make your dreams come true. This was just part of the process. At least that’s what you said to reason with your inner self to avoid any feelings of regret and anxiety. Yet, throughout that first year, you were also exposed to a darker side of the industry that you weren’t equipped to handle as a barely legal adult. When you signed that contract with the label, you also signed away any right to individuality and personal autonomy. 
You had a certain image to uphold as a public figure and this image was controlled entirely by your label. You were like clay that they could bend at their will–constantly being prodded and 
molded until you were nothing short of perfection. Your clothes were preselected each day, hair was only done in styles the label wanted, and pre-answered scripts were given for interviews. Worst of all, even your diet was dictated by the label. How much you ate, what you ate, and even when you ate was all at the discretion of the executives. They even went so far as to weigh you weekly to make sure you were staying on top of your weight. If you weren’t at their goal weight, they subjected you to intense periods of exercise. It was an abusive cycle that fundamentally altered your self-esteem. Slowly, you became a shell of the person you once were. You didn’t find enjoyment in your career anymore, something you were once so passionate and excited about. The harsh regime of your management extinguished that flame. All that mattered to you was if you were meeting your label’s expectations. You were consumed by the weight of their expectations. You drowned under their judgment, and each criticism was like a blaster shot straight to your heart. The executives weren’t satisfied no matter what you did. Practice hours went from a few hours of your day to half of your day. You slowly cut contact with your friends from home and lied to your family when they asked how you were doing. You couldn’t bear to tell them the truth. You were miserable.
Eventually, the constant overwork and abuse by the label became too much for your body to handle and one day you fainted in the middle of practice. The medic at the medcenter informed you that your body shut due to exhaustion and malnutrition. Due to you being one year away from being a legal adult by the Republic’s standards, the medic was forced to report this incident to the authorities. Holonet tabloids somehow got a hold of this information and leaked it on their celebrity gossip pages. This prompted an investigation from the Intergalactic Federation of Musicians, the trade guild dedicated to musicians, performers, and songwriters, who determined that your label was not properly upholding their side of the contract. The IFM fined Interstellar Records and voided your contract, which left you free and away from their abuse.
It took you a few months to recover from the whole incident. The best course of action was to move back to Bar’leth while you healed. Your career didn’t stop there, however. Right before the situation, your debut album was released. Hence, you were practicing for upcoming promotions the label scheduled you for. The release of your debut album was quiet–until your face ended up on the Holonet’s hot spot after the initial news broke. The people of Coruscant, and even some people from neighboring planets, pitied you. You never intended for anything to be this way, but the story that the tabloids ran against you worked in your favor. You, a young fresh-faced, and doe-eyed girl from a smaller Core planet, were a victim of the cruel entertainment industry. Everyone blamed the label, rightfully so, but the amount of support and influx of love from Coruscant’s citizens catapulted you into fame and stardom. The public wanted to see you win (until they didn’t). Other recording labels were knocking at your door, trying to get you to sign with their company You were hesitant, not wanting to experience the same trauma. Senator Palpatine offered his help in negotiating the contract bids as an apology for not noticing what you were going through before. After all, you were still living with him while you were still signed to Interstellar. You didn’t blame him as you hid your problems well. Regardless, it all worked out in the end as you were signed to a new label, under terms and conditions you saw fit.  Four years have passed since you signed onto Nebula Music Group. Your fame instantaneously increased after signing with them. Gido was assigned your new manager, and you were extremely thankful for him because he played a major role in ensuring you were properly treated and supported by the label. Nebula Music Group had more trust and faith in you than Interstellar, so they allowed you more authority and creative liberties in the music-making process. Because of this, you could produce authentic, critically acclaimed, popular albums. Your last album, Last Words of a Shooting Star, broke a record with the highest sales of sound slugs in history for a female artist. You did mini tours around the inner and mid-Core planets. Despite your initial hardships, life was turning out better than you envisioned. You had a second chance at your dream. You liked to consider yourself fully healed from the situation, but that was far from the truth.
Take now for example.
In moments like this, when it’s only yourself and the mirror, your mind can’t help but flashback to the horrible treatment you suffered at the hands of those people. You know that no matter how much therapy or how far removed from the situation you were, a part of you was still stuck in the past. 
Chione was right to be concerned. This wasn’t the first time you stayed behind and continued practicing on your own, often to the point of exhaustion and breaking down. She’s caught you in these moments before, where you were so focused on perfection that you failed to take care of yourself properly—staying dehydrated, skipping meals, and not sleeping just so you could devote more time to practice. You would gladly damage yourself for it. You couldn’t help it. Insecurity was embedded in your bones. You knew that as a young female in the industry, you had a short shelf life (or at least that’s what your previous label hammered into your brain). Once the industry deemed you expired, you would be nothing. Thus, you needed to be so perfect, that even past your expiration date, people would still want you.  You were nothing without desirability.
You looked at yourself with hard eyes in the mirror. Your eyes landed on the deep, heavy-set eye bags under your eyes. A scowl appeared on your face. You then moved your eyes to your arms, which never seemed skinny enough for you. A knot formed in your throat. Lastly, you laid your eyes upon your stomach. No matter how many meals you skipped, what diet fads you went on, or what food you prematurely threw away to avoid finishing, your stomach never looked the way you wanted. A sigh escaped your throat.
It was futile to worry about these things now. At a time so late in the day, nothing good would come of it. You inhaled and exhaled breathing as if you were absorbing and releasing all of your previous negative energy. Putting on a fake smile that didn’t reach your eyes, you gave yourself one last look before continuing to practice.
The song you were currently dancing to belonged to the glimmick genre–a genre of music that was associated with frenzied sounds and rapid beats. As an artist, you were most comfortable with the sparkle-bop and pop genres. That was your domain, and it was the genre that made you famous. However, you wanted you wanted to experiment on your recent album to get out of your artistic comfort zone and reach a wider audience, so you included songs of different genres, with glimmick being one of them. Due to the nature of the glimmick genre, your song “Atom of the Pneuma,” required an intricate, fast-paced dance with movements that you were not familiar with. The choreography for this dance was sharp and pristine, contorting and bending your body to resemble straight, angular lines. Most of your choreography featured lighter dance moves, with flowy movement and softer forms. It was the reason you stayed later than the rest of your team–you wanted to hone on this particular routine before the benefit concert.
Your legs were bent, hands placed on top of your thighs as you caught your breath and prepared to replay the song just a few more times before calling ending the day. You got into position. The song started and filled the room with a pounding, rich techno bass that bounced off the walls. You began to move your body to the beat while your right arm was simultaneously moving it to create a pattern that extended from your body outward. Your head followed the beat as well, which left you slightly dizzy. You learned to block out any negative sensations when dancing, a practice you learned from the days when you danced on little sleep and little food. The unpleasant sensation went ignored until you spun your body around and lost your balance resulting in an unceremonious fall toward the hard wooden floor. You placed your arms to cushion your fall out of reflex, but the fall never came. A pair of large, calloused hands were placed on your waist, holding you steady. The hands gently guided you toward the floor, forcing you to sit. 
You raised your face toward the ceiling, trying to see who it was that miraculously saved you from your fall. The bright lights of the practice room invaded your eyesight and you could only make out the fuzzy outline of the person. Tiny, black dots swirled your vision as you tried to regain your composure. The feeling was overwhelming. You could feel your breath quicken as you tried to calm yourself. This wasn’t the first time you have fainted from overdoing it, but it was never any easier each time. You hated the feeling, you hated the coldness that washed over your body, you hated how your vision failed you, and you hated the dull panging inside your head. 
You shut your eyes, barely focusing on the person next to you. Your nails dug into your palm, the pain distracting you from the uncomfortable feeling and forcing you back into the present. After a few more moments, you opened your eyes again and turned your vision to the only other figure in the room. You could feel the warmth of their body next to yours–the warmth overpowering the previous coldness your body felt. 
“Anakin,” you whispered. 
“You okay there, pop star?” Anakin softly replied. “You almost took a nasty fall, you could have sprained your wrist or hurt your head. We wouldn’t want that before the big day, now would we?”
His brown curls gently caressed his face as he looked down at you. He was kneeling over you, eyes scanning over your body to make sure you were okay. You didn’t even hear him enter. How did he get inside? Access to this room was only allowed by people with logged fingerprints and/or other DNA indicators.
“Just give me a minute please.” You still felt lightheaded.
Anakin stood up and walked toward your practice bag and grabbed the container of water that was sitting next to it. He then proceeded toward you, sat next to you, and put the tip of the container to your lips. You titled your head back as you drank. After a couple of gulps, you answered Anakin’s question. 
“I apologize if I frightened you. I must have overdone it and got lightheaded because of it. I assure you that I feel better now and can continue my practice,” You tried to stand up before Anakin’s hand caught your wrist and dragged you back toward the ground. Your response was cold and robotic. That’s because you were in a different mode right now, your more “professional” mode which consisted of one thing only–to never give up until you were blue in the fact. It was ingrained in you from your past training that even if you felt like complete bantha shit, you couldn’t stop practicing just because you felt slightly off. Perfection could never be achieved if you stopped every single time you felt bad.
“Just take a moment to relax. You nearly fainted. You’re only going to hurt yourself more if you continue to practice in this state,” Anakin reasoned. He pitied you because he knew the exact look of determination on your face. 
“I can’t stop. The benefit is only a few rotations from now. I have to get this routine down, or else I’ll look like a fool on stage,” you argued back. You turned, but Anakin kept a firm hold on your wrist. 
“Stop being stubborn and just take a quick break.” The seriousness in Anakin’s tone made you want to cry. His voice projected across the now silent practice room. You were already feeling bad from almost fainting and now you were being emotional too. You slipped to the ground and hung your head low as tears welled up in your eyes.
“I-I’m sorry,” your voice wavered. Putting in this state always puts you in a weird headspace. You swallowed the tight knot that formed in your throat. You didn’t want to cry in front of Anakin.
Anakin noticed the waver of your voice and how you refused to meet his eyes. He didn’t mean for his voice to come out so harsh, but he didn’t want you to hurt yourself either. 
“It’s okay. You have nothing to apologize for. I didn’t mean for my voice to sound that way,” Anakin hesitated before putting a hand on your shoulder for comfort. He felt slightly awkward. He didn’t know you very well yet, so he didn’t want to invade your personal space, but he recognized that you needed some comfort.
“You should leave. You don’t have to deal with me. I know the Chancellor asked you to watch over me, but this is too much. I promise I’m fine. This isn’t the first time this has happened.” You don’t know why you let that small detail split to Anakin. Perhaps you just wanted someone else to know that you weren’t fully healed from your past. You tried to do your best to hide it from the rest of your team, only Chione being the most knowledgeable on the subject. 
“I’m not going to leave you. It’s late and you should be heading back to your apartment. I came to pick you up. Gido said you hadn’t arrived home yet and that I could find you here.”
You sighed at Anakin’s response. There were a few moments of silence before you began speaking again. “I’m sorry. You’re just being a decent person, and I’m here trying to push you away. I don’t mean it.” You took a deep breath, “I just get in a weird headspace whenever I’m practicing sometimes.”
Anakin didn’t want to pry, but he could tell there was a deeper meaning behind your words. 
You started speaking before your brain could even comprehend what you were saying. You were desperate to let out all of your negative feelings. “Do you ever feel like you’re not good enough sometimes? Like the whole world is waiting for you to trip and fall?” You glanced at Anakin with glassy eyes.
You continued to tirade. “I know my life may look glamorous, and it is. But no one ever talks about the dark side of being in the public eye, especially as a female. They treat you as if you’re some spectacle for their entertainment as if you’re not a living being with consciousness and feelings. Even those who are supposed to be there for you end up on the same side as the critics and haters.” Your chest was now heaving up and down as a result of your heightened emotion. “Even when I work my ass off to be perfect, so I can meet their standards and so they can finally shut the kriff up, they find another thing to comment on just to tear me down.”
“Yes, I understand the feeling.” And Anakin truly did understand. Anakin wanted to comfort you, he felt empathetic as he watched you cry. Do you remember how I told you how I joined the Jedi at a later age than most?” You nodded as you sniffled. “The Jedi council didn’t want to take me in at first…but Qui-Gon convinced them to take me in because he saw potential in me, potential as the Chosen one. Master Qui-Gon died before he had the chance to train me, so his Padawan, my former master, requested that he take me up as his Padawan. No Padawan had ever been trained at such a young age, but the council accepted his wish as a dying request from Qui-Gon.” Anakin still recalls that day–he was waiting outside the council’s room–in wonder at the grand pillars of the Jedi Temple. It was so grandiose and had a sense of holiness, two things he never witnessed on Tatooine.
“I had to work twice as hard as the other younglings to get up to speed. Most of them already had years of experience with the Jedi, they knew how to properly wield the force and the Jedi scriptures were ingrained into their beings by that point. Eventually, I surpassed the younglings and surpassed the expectations of the council. But even then, the council has never fully trusted me. I feel they’re always scrutinizing me, watching for my next mistake too. I’m not the most conventional Jedi, and I don’t always play by the books, but I’m a Jedi through and thorough. No matter how many times I prove that the council, or even my former master, they don’t believe in me. We’ve been fighting this war for Maker knows how long, and they still refuse to make me master, despite being the poster boy for this war.” 
“Wow, Anakin…I didn’t expect that from you.” You honestly didn’t expect to find yourself relating to Anakin, you were on completely different sides of society. How could you, a pop star, relate to a Jedi? It comforted you in a way, to know that you weren’t the only person to go through feelings of inadequacy and frustration. “How do you deal with it?”
“When I was a Padawan in training, I didn’t deal with it most healthily. I was snarky (he still is), and rebelled against my master’s teachings. I was stubborn, hoping that if I showed off my power, I could finally be appreciated by the council. I was wrong to do that, it’s how I lost my right arm.” Anakin then slipped off his glove to show you the silver mechanical prosthetic. You gasped, not expecting to learn this information. Anakin continued, “I still like to show off, but as I matured, I realized that I didn’t have to define myself by the approval of others. I know that I am capable, and I will keep working hard until the council recognizes that.” 
“You don’t deserve that. I know we only just met, but I’ve only heard remarkable things about you. The Republic wouldn’t stand a chance against the Separatists against you. I mean no offense to the other Jedi, they’re all vital to the war effort too, but we need someone who takes risks and isn’t afraid to be unorthodox. I don’t know much about the Jedi, but I know one day you’ll make a great Master.”
This heart-to-heart chat with Anakin was unexpected but welcomed. You appreciated that he was honest and open with you–someone who was practically a stranger still. He didn’t have to come all this way to pick you up nor did Anakin need to comfort you in an hour of need, but he did. However, Anakin didn’t let the conversation marinate too long, suddenly embarrassed at the information he shared with you. 
Anakin stood up from the ground and reached his hand toward you. You accepted his hand and Anakin pulled you up as well. “Are you feeling better now?”
Despite the dried tear marks on your face and the incoming headache you were about to face, you told Anakin that you did feel better. You weren’t ready to divulge your entire past with Anakin just yet, but maybe one day the two of you could become friends. Did that count as an attachment? You weren’t sure. 
“Let’s get you home, pop star.”
“Thanks, General.”
Tumblr media
The second instance with Anakin was in an unconventional situation, but it brought a smile to your face when you recalled it. It was only the fifth day of him being assigned as your bodyguard. The incident at the practice room happened on his third day there. You wanted to speak to him more after that night, but you found yourself pulled in all directions by your management team. You supposed you should be thankful–you promised to stay away from Anakin. The only issue is that you didn’t want to stay away from him anymore.
Anakin walked into your living room after talking with Obi-Wan through his commlink. Obi-Wan was updating Anakin on his most recent diplomatic mission on a nearby planet. A heated conversation was taking place between you and Gido. 
“You’re being ridiculous! It’s not even that scary and you can’t keep on relying on others to transport you places,” Gido said as he pinched his nose with a hand, a look of frustration on his face.
“Of course I can! I’m rich. I can just hire chauffeurs!” you taunted in reply. You knew your argument wasn’t sound, but you just wanted to vex Gido at this point. Deep down, you knew your manager was right. 
“What about when you’re old and retired? Who’s going to help you then? Certainly not I. I’ll be dead!” He pointed an accusatory finger at you.
A glare embraced your face at Gido’s words. You scoffed before turning your body, not realizing that Anakin entered the room. He had to stop sneaking in like that. Those damn Jedi. 
Anakin looked at you two with a curious look. Having joined the conversation toward its end, Anakin did not know what you two were talking about. Heat ran up your neck and toward your face as Gido explained with a deadpan expression.
“My dear friend here does not have her Republic driving license, despite being an adult. I’ve been telling her to get her license for years, but she always manages to procrastinate. And every time I tell her, she brushes me off her shoulder.” He pointed at you with an accusing thumb.
With a high-pitched tone, you defended yourself, “I know how to drive!... Sort of. Look, I just don’t like driving. The skylanes are always chaotic and the last time I visited the Ministry of Transport, it took me hours to update my identification and the workers were extremely rude. I’m not going back there if I don’t have to!” 
“And I keep telling her, she needs to get her license. Kid, don’t be stubborn. Wouldn’t you feel more independent if you could drive around yourself?”
“Oh, stop bullshitting me, Gido. You just don’t want to drive me around because you hate the sky lanes as much as I do!” It was true. Gido groaned and mumbled every time he had to drive you places, complaining that he wouldn’t need to take you to run your errands if you had your own license. You couldn’t help it–you enjoyed dragging Gido along and you knew he secretly enjoyed spending time with you. 
Anakin had a solution to both of your problems. Driving was one of his fortes. Obi-Wan and Ahsoka would disagree, but Anakin knew he was the best pilot in the galaxy. Yes, Anakin could be reckless, but there was never a landing or move he couldn’t pull off. The innate talent he had as a young boy flourished when he moved to Coruscant and began his Padawan training. Having access to much more refined and newer technology allowed Anakin to perfect the craft of piloting. 
“I can teach you how to drive. I’m the best pilot in the galaxy.” The seriousness on Anakin’s face indicated that he wasn’t joking. 
You gulped. The heating sensation returned. You began to shake your head from side to side with wide eyes. Your hands moved in front of you as if to mimic the movement of your head, waving off Anakin’s solution. 
“I don’t think that necessary,” you protested. 
“Actually, I think it’s very necessary. Only the Maker knows how long you’ll push this off. Anakin, would you mind doing this favor? I have a few meetings with the company, we need to finalize the last details for the benefit. Feel free to use her airspeeder parked outside–it’s one of the newest models,” Gido stated.
Anakin grinned. He really did miss his yellow Eta-2 Starfighter, but he would never deny the chance to operate new technology.
That’s how you found yourself outside sitting in a neatly parked J12 Twin-pod on your apartment’s landing platform. The airspeeder belonged to you, though you’d never driven it before. The airspeeder was one of the newer models on the market. The surface was wrapped with a special pink-tinted chrome wrap making the car look sleek and expensive. Gido, your chauffeur, and occasionally Chione, were the only people to ever drive it.
You looked out the window and saw Anakin approaching the passenger side of the airspeeder. “Karking hell, I’m really doing this,” you thought. You detested driving. It made your palms sweaty and shot your nervous system. To make matters worse, you would be stuck in the confined airspeeder with Anakin! So much for trying to keep your proximity from him. You were both scared and embarrassed. Here was Anakin, the most famous Jedi at the moment, teaching pathetic you how to properly drive. Surely he had much better, more important things to do–like lead a war planning meeting or something. 
The passenger door opened, and Anakin effortlessly climbed into the passenger seat and sat down. Your back stiffened, and suddenly the airspeeder seemed tighter. You shot an uneasy glance toward Anakin, who only smiled in excitement.
After the other night in the dance room where you had that conversation with Anakin, you felt less apprehensive around him. He was more human to you and less of a mysterious figure, less of a pretty face who made you nervous. You still found yourself mousy and internally reeling in his presence, but Anakin was becoming akin to a friend. You started conversing more during mealtimes, slowly getting to know each other. 
“Alright, pop star, first we’re going to start with the controls. You have to fire up the engine by flipping this red switch. After the flip is switched, check your mirrors to ensure you can view directly behind and on your sides. Be careful with your blind spots. You don’t want to get rear-ended because you forgot to check for it. Coruscant sky lanes are no joke. With an airspeeder as pretty as yours, I’d hate to see it get destroyed. ” Anakin pointed toward a red button near the right side of the console, located next to the steering gear. “You got that?” Anakin questioned with one eyebrow raised. 
Once again, Anakin felt your energy through the force. It was way calmer compared to the first day, but he could still feel your energy buzzing. Perhaps you realized that his presence was nothing to fear. 
“Go on. Turn it on,” Anakin commanded. Butterflies erupted in your stomach when you heard the baritone voice command you. It reverberated several times in your head. Anakin’s voice was manly, and extremely attractive. You felt jealous that his soldiers got to hear that voice every day. 
You reached toward the switch and flipped it upward with a shaky hand. The airspeeder lit up from inside, indicating it had come to life. There wasn’t an initial turbo–this was one of the main features of this model. It was supposed to fly seamlessly through the air. You placed your hands on each side of the steering gears. Not knowing what to do next, you looked at Anakin for guidance. 
Anakin stood up to stand directly behind you. He reached out his arms and placed his hands on top of yours. He then leaned down to the side of your face and explained, “I’m going to show you how you properly place your hands on the steering gear and how to move it while you’re driving.” Anakin moved your hands toward the middle of the gear. 
“Have a tight grip on the gear. The tighter the grip, the more control you have over the speeder. The higher sky lanes get more wind traction, so it’s especially important to have control in those lanes.” You nodded to show you were following. Anakin suddenly turned the gear harshly to the left, “Don’t do what I just did. When you turn the gear harshly, you jerk the speeder. If you’re switching lanes or turning a corner, switch on your indicators so other drivers know which way you’re going.” Of course, Anakin never followed his own advice, but for your sake, he played it by the books. 
It all felt too intimate. Your head was in a rush, which probably wasn’t the best state to be in while you were about to drive. Anakin’s hands engulfed yours. The difference between his callused hands and your perfectly manicured hands drove you crazy. You could see the veins exposed on his ungloved hand. The sight of the green veins made your stomach turn warm. Much like his face, Anakin’s hand was sculpted by the Maker themself. Not even the finest marble statues could compare to the piece of art that was Anakin Skywalker. 
“...Lastly, when you’re making a turn, do not turn the gear all the way around. The speeder has a built-in function that automatically rotates it. If you turn it all the way, you’ll make a sharp turn, ruining the internal tachyon drive regulator. Do you think you can handle this? Gido told me about the last time you tried to drive.” The last time you tried to drive, it resulted in several fines and almost caused a crash–the tabloids were on your ass for weeks after that.
You completely spaced out while Anakin was speaking, too focused on your inner thoughts. Hearing the teasing tone of his voice brought you back. You hated being undermined. You would prove to Anakin, and Gido, that you can drive perfectly fine and that you have nothing to be scared of. 
“I can you assure that not only can I handle this, but you’ll be amazed at how quickly I learn,” you sassed Anakin back. You were lying. You couldn’t handle this, yet you couldn’t look like a ditz in front of Anakin. 
“Let’s start flying. Don’t be nervous. I’m right here if you need me.” 
Anakin sat back in his seat and observed you as you started maneuvering the aircraft. He directed you toward a sky lane to merge into. “I’m going to guide you to a specific path where the air traffic isn’t so busy. It should be easier for you to fly since there isn’t as much chaos.” 
You kept a strong grip on the steering gear. Coruscant Prime, Coruscant’s only sun, was shining bright. The Weather Control Network did a splendid job at keeping Coruscant’s weather optical today–it wasn’t too windy and the sky was clear. You took it as a positive sign. 
The airspeeder flew steadily through the air. Anakin was surprised. The way Gido described your driving, he assumed that he would need to take control of the speeder earlier. You weren’t doing a terrible job so far. Aside from the occasional jerk or harsh turn, you managed not to crash so far. 
Maybe Anakin thought too soon. “Watch out! Watch out to your right!,” Anakin exclaimed. You tried switching lanes, but the speeder behind you wasn’t slowing down to let you in. You narrowly avoided an accident at the last second by going back into your lane.
“Oops–I didn’t mean that,” you said with a giggle and a shrug of your shoulders. “How am I doing so far?”
“You’re not doing too bad, with some more practice, you should be able to get your license in no time. Why do you hate driving so much?”
While still focusing on the sky in front of you, you explained to Anakin, “I love Coruscant and all that it has to offer. But the sky lanes in Bar’leth are much calmer and less congested. I grew up used to that. Even after all these years of living here, I still can’t stomach the driving here. It’s horrendous! I much prefer to have someone else drive, that way the pressure won’t be on me. I know Gido’s right, I need my license, but can you blame me? We’ve already witnessed almost two accidents! How did you get so good at flying?”
“I’ve always wanted to be a pilot since I was a little boy. I used to tinker in the garage, building and modifying parts for my own podracer. I even won the Boonta Eve Classic on Tatooine,” answered Anakin.
“Why did you want to become a pilot?” you wondered. Anakin seemed like like an intentional type of person–his actions, thoughts, and opinions were direct reflections of him and what he felt inside. 
Not many people outside of the Jedi temple knew Anakin’s true origins–that he was a former slave. The first ten years of his life were filtered solely through this lens, it came to impact much of his opinions on life, politics, and society. He didn’t like speaking about it and avoided the topic as much as he could. Anakin hated his life as a slave and he hated slavery with every fibre of his being. However, Anakin especially hated speaking about this past life now because every time he did, he was reminded of how he willingly chose to leave his mother on Tatooine. Anakin felt like he was the reason she died. He wasn’t strong enough or fast enough to save her from the Tuskens, but maybe, just maybe, if he stayed with his mother instead of leaving with Qui-Gon, Shmi Skywalker’s death could have been avoided. 
Anakin didn’t respond to your question. When you looked at him, his face was scrunched up in a deep thought. 
You were about to say something else when you saw something approaching the speeder from the corner of your eye. You quickly glanced to your left, only to spot a human male nearly hanging off the side of his airspeeder with a cam held up to his eye. You groaned out loud which caught Anakin’s attention. They came at the worst time possible. You were trying to learn how to drive for Kriff’s sake!
“The paparazzi are following! Can’t they just leave me alone” you ranted. You needed them to get off your trail, fast. You had a complex relationship with the paparazzi. You hated the way they invaded your privacy and fed the Holonet tabloids with material to gossip about. For every bad picture, outrageous rumor, and leaked news, there was a paparazzi behind it. They caused you so much pain. At the same time, the very nature of your career relied on the paparazzi to dispel news and reveal your current state of affairs through pictures. They were unofficial members of your public relations team. Every celebrity knew that they needed the paparazzi as much as they hated them. You couldn’t imagine what ridiculous headline they would come up with now.
The man got closer and closer to your speeder as he tried to record you on his cam. He was mere inches away from crashing into the side of your speeder. You started to panic and your hands lost your tight grip as you started to tremble. Even the slightest movement to the left would cause a crash, potentially sending both of your speeders tumbling below. 
“Anakin, what do I do? I don’t know what to do! They’re too close,” you yelped. Any closer and the paparazzi’s camera would touch your speeder’s window. 
“Stay calm, pop star. I got this.” Anakin’s tone was cocky. He had something up his sleeve. This wasn’t his first high-speed chase, and it certainly wouldn’t be his last. Anakin switched into General mode. His hands swiftly moved across the dashboard as he pressed a multitude of buttons and flipped several switches. 
“What are you doing?!” You hated how high-pitched your voice sounded, the fear slipping out of your voice a squeak. 
“Relax. I’m just taking control of the speeder. This speeder model is programmed so that in case of emergencies, the co-passager can take control of the speeder and drive it.” A panel opened on the console and an additional steering gear emerged into view. Anakin gripped the gear and turned it to the right. The speeder lurched to the right, putting more distance between you and the paparazzi. 
No longer needed to grip the gear, you turned toward Anakin and shielded yourself by facing your back toward the window. The Holo Net wouldn’t be getting anything out of you today. Those insatiable nerfhurders had no boundaries sometimes. 
“You better hold on tight. Things are about to get bumpy.” The only way to get these paparazzi off your trail was by speeding up and losing them in the endless zigzags of Coruscant. Anakin wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize your safety. He felt his fingertips buzzing with anticipation–the past few rotations with you have been enjoyable and peaceful, but he needed an outlet for his energy. Ever since the Clone Wars started, Anakin was constantly on the go, so his body and mind were accustomed to this. Fortunately for Anakin, flying was the best outlet for him. 
“What do you mean? Anakin, I’m begging you. Please don’t do anything crazy. I get motion sick-” Your words were cut off as the speeder accelerated. “ANAKIN!!!,” you screamed. You then quickly shut your eyes again. You couldn’t bear to witness the scene in front of you. Even with your eyes closed, you could tell Anakin was driving significantly faster than what was allowed by the law. 
The speeder weaved in and out of lanes. At one point, Anakin squeezed in between two speeders before hitting the turbo boosters. The paparazzi were still hot on your trail, but at least they were no longer directly next to you. You finally opened your eyes and saw that you were nearing the retail district, CoCo Town. Suddenly, the speeder nosedived toward the ground and you tightly clung to the gear in front of you for stability. The paparazzi were still chasing you, their speeder also diving below. 
“Anakin do you have to be so reckless?!,” you shouted as Anakin laughed. 
“My apologies–it was either that or let the paparazzi stalk you. Which one did you prefer? I didn’t have time to ask while you were panicking,” he replied in a sarcastic tone. You were about to rebuttal, but Anakin continued talking. “As soon as I land this on the ground, we’re going to get out and run. Let’s try to lose them in the crowd.”
The speeder lowered onto the ground and Anakin quickly parked the vehicle on a landing platform where several other speeders were parked. The doors unlocked and you both quickly stepped out. Before you could even completely step off, Anakin grabbed you by your waist and lowered you onto the ground. He then grabbed your hand and started running in the opposite direction of the speeder. You looked behind you, only to see the paparazzi had caught up and were now looking for you. After a quick scan, one of their eyes caught yours and they looked toward each other before running in the same direction as you and Anakin.
You could barely think about the paparazzi chasing you down as your mind relished the feeling of Anakin’s hands engulfing your waist. Anakin was a statuesque man, it made sense that his hands would be the same. Your skin burned at the touch. You shook your head to wane off the thoughts and redirect your focus in front of you. 
Anakin’s back was facing you, his wide shoulders moving up and down as you ran through the crowds together. His curls bounced with each step. You apologized to each person you bumped into, slightly embarrassed to be in a situation like this. Why did this have to happen to you? Couldn’t they have picked another celebrity to torment today? You heard from the jogan fruit vine that the Holodrama actress Alexis Cov-Prim was getting out of rehab today. Wouldn’t that be a juicer headline than you learning how to drive? You already had one bad story from driving, you didn’t need another. 
Anakin made a sharp turn around and corner and dragged you into a store named “Madame Acantha’s Emporium.” You kept your head low as Anakin greeted the storekeeper. You didn’t want to risk being recognized again. As you looked around and observed the store, you noticed the store sold a variety of womenswear from dresses to accessories. Anakin scanned the store for any suspicious figures before turning towards you.
“Grab something to disguise yourself with. We can’t stay in here forever.” You started browsing through the racks of clothes, pulling out a large knitted sweater before walking over to the accessory area and picking out a pair of daytime spectacles and a vibrant magenta wig with a bob cut. Anakin couldn’t disguise himself as he was too big for the clothing sold here. That didn’t matter as long as you could disguise yourself. 
You quickly walked over to the changing rooms before switching out your outer layer for the sweater. After putting on the sweater, you grabbed the only elastic on your wrist and tied your hair so the wig could fit on. Once the wig was secured on your head, you put on the daytime spectacles and walked out of the changing rooms. You rushed towards the cashier and quickly asked her to ring up the transaction before throwing your credit chip on the counter. The employee, a humanoid woman of a species you couldn’t name, quickly rang up the transaction before handing you a receipt and bidding you a good day.
You turned towards Anakin and asked, “Does this look alright? Do I look like myself?”
Anakin stepped closer to you and grabbed the sides of your face. He slipped some of the wig’s hair through his fingers before adjusting it so it sat properly on your head. His fingers lingered for a second before he nodded. “I can’t even recognize you. Let’s go before they catch up.”
Anakin walked out of the store first and scoped the street. He looked left and right before quickly going back inside. He grabbed you and shoved the both of you behind the first rack of clothes he saw. You were about to protest when you saw the two men from earlier, the one who was recording had his camera by his side. They went up to the shopkeeper at the cashier and began to converse with the lady, most likely asking her if she had seen anyone with the same description as you. While they were distracted, you and Anakin looked at each other and secretly decided to make a run for it.
You both ran out of the store and into an alleyway nearby. You saw the paparazzi running past the alleyway as you were catching your breath. Then, you started to giggle. The whole situation was absurd. You, standing in an alleyway, with a bright wig and sunglasses–obviously a terrible disguise–and Anakin Skywalker, the most famous Jedi at the moment, dressed in all of his Jedi garb with his lightsaber attached at the hilt.
“What are you laughing at?,” Anakin asked, one of his perfectly shaped eyes arched. You must have looked crazy. 
“I’m laughing at the situation. I look like a clown,” you replied. “Let’s go, I’m hungry after all that running and chasing. Let’s get something to eat–my treat.” You then walked out of the alleyway together. Before you stepped into the public view, you turned towards Anakin, “Thank you, by the way. I don’t know what I would have done without you to save the day.” You gave Anakin a look of genuine gratefulness.  
The both of you proceeded in the direction of the shops.
“Come on, pop star. I know a great diner that my old master loves. It’s called Dex’s Diner. Have you ever been there before?” Anakin asked. 
The both of you arrived at Dex’s Diner and proceeded to order half the menu. You spent hours in the diner, the both of you enjoying each other’s company after the crazy events of the day.
You spent the same evening replaying all of the times Anakin touched you and how each touch made you feel. 
Tumblr media
You decided it was time to get out of your head and back into the present. If you stayed in the sonic tub any longer, you wouldn’t have enough time to get ready without feeling rushed. You stood up from the sonic tub and grabbed the plush white robe sitting on the table next to it. You then put the robe on and walked toward the mirror. 
You grabbed the brush and started brushing through your hair to ensure that any tangles and knots were out. After deciding your hair was neat enough, you put the brush down and started moisturizing your body with your favorite lotion. You would let your hair air dry until you figured out how you wanted to style it. The lotion was made from the musk-rose plant and mixed with tiny hints of vanilla. When you were done moisturizing your body and applying your skincare, you walked out of the room and into the closet directly in front of the refresher.
To say your closet was huge is an understatement. When you finally earned enough credits to afford a high-rise apartment, the one thing you told your realtor was that you would not compromise on a small closet. The closet was lined with shelves and racks, each holding either your clothes or your shoes. In the middle of the closet sat an island, constructed with cream-yellow Selonian marble, that stored all of your accessories. A floor-to-ceiling mirror and lounging chaise were perched at the far corner of the room. You walked over to the shelf that held your dresses and began to sift through them. You felt the soft silks, thin taffetas, and the gorgeous gemwebs of your collection.
“Aha,” you muttered as your hand finally landed on the gown you were looking for. The gown, designed by one of the most in-demand fashion ateliers, was a floor-length, demicot silk-lined tight velvet black gown with a curved necklace. The upper half of the gown was pale pink and covered in a multitude of tiny sequins and pearl studs. One shoulder extended out into the shape of a single petal, which was also fabricated with sequins and pearls. You paired it with a pair of black gloves that extended to your mid-bicep. The dress was as much haute as it was a piece of wearable art. If there was one thing you loved about being wealthy, it was the clothes. 
You laid your evening gown on the chaise before traveling to your vanity and beginning on your makeup. Since the gown was extravagant in itself, you decided that a more subtle makeup look would complement the overall look more. You wanted people to focus on the gown and all its intricacies and craftsmanship. After glossing your lips with a matching shade of pink, you finished your makeup and moved on to your hair. You settled on a suitable hairstyle and allowed your loose face-framing layers to enhance the shape of your face. 
You looked at yourself in the mirror once more before deciding you were ready to go. You walked out of your room and towards the living where Anakin was waiting for you. 
To be continued...
Tumblr media
(Here is a link to the dress, which was designed by Miss Sohee. One thing I love about the SW universe is the fashion, so I wanted to include a dress that reflected that. Like, come on. Have you seen Padme’s and Satine’s outfits?)
taglist: @angie2274 @bunnylovesani @0709fullofstars @js-favnanadoongi @payton-dixonreader
lmk if you want to be added to the taglist!
55 notes · View notes
cpunkwitch · 1 year
Text
Describing the feeling - anemia
being descriptive about what its like standing up and generally functioning with my severe anemic body.
i dont just stand up too quickly and lose my balance for a second, i dont just stand up and immediately sit down because the room started spinning.
when i stand up my vision goes hazy around the edges, a black vector around my vision creeps in, my VSS makes my vision look even more like a 1980's video recording, my head gets fuzzy and light, my vision shrinks to a small spot as the rest is blocked out by the dark, my body threatens to black out, drop passed out right where i am. i get nauseous and exhausted like i just saw something that grossed me out so bad it made me sick, i go pale and my face gets hot at the same time.
it only lasts a few minutes maybe, but its still scary and slows me down. i can pass out without even realizing it sometimes, without this kind of warning. i'll feel sick and pass out or i'll be fine and still suddenly wake up in a new position or entirely different room and someone will tell me they moved me.
my energy is constantly drained, leaving me breathless at even the most minimal of movements like a short flight of stars or just getting out of bed. all i can manage leaving the house is a brisk walk without my cane. i feel like i had taken a 5 hour hike when its still only 11am and im just getting over starting my day.
im always too tired to do many tasks, go places, i find myself taking a nap if it werent for coffee.
this would of course happen less if i was able to take my supplements more often, if i could eat enough food containing the needed iron more regularly/consistently. but theres complications with that too.
i get constant pounding headaches for several reasons and on days where my anemia literally makes me bedridden i am often laying there waiting on the medication i was able to take to finally kick in and calm the raging ache burning and rattling inside my head.
anemia is not just standing up and feeling dizzy or falling over, its chronic fatigue placing a hand on your shoulder, shaking you around and putting a white noise filter over your eyes before pushing you down to let you catch your breath. its feeling like a vampire stole half your entire body's amount of blood without even touching you. its being even more tired and slowed down after a nurse takes your blood more than you usually are and more than most people are for a longer amount of time, sitting there for almost 5 minutes or so with an orange juice box in your hand before you can get yourself to stand up and leave her office.
i originally got my cane to help with the dizzy spells and constant unbalance and exhaustion i felt, to help me walk up and down stairs easier and keep me from walking to fast and steady my pace more. then i realized how bad my back was and noticed how lessened my back pain was with it and i was even happier to have gotten my cane.
every day i think about how all my life i've missed out because ive been too tired to do something or go somewhere. every day i fear falling over, collapsing and passing out and it happens too frequently for me to say im okay any day.
i miss the days i used to have energy when i was much younger, i miss the days i didnt have to fear falling over, i miss the times i was able to do more with my body.
doesnt mean i live in constant misery, im just learning to live with it. this is my life, its a constant battle and struggle, but i make do, i push myself as far as my body lets me without letting myself overdo it too much.
knowing this, you can probably imagine how scared i often am about summer. i get uneasy and close to passing out if i just take a shower with the water too hot, the heat of summer does so much worse.
in summer my vision goes white, no matter how much water i drink the world goes brighter and brighter, i nearly passed out on the road once. i get heat stroke fairly often, even wearing light clothing and having a cold cloth on the back of my neck isnt enough at times. in summer im like a dried up plant, dehydrated and overheated, somehow hanging on while looking and feeling like im one step through death's door.
anemia's a dick guys, i never realized how serious it was for me when i first got diagnosed, but i learned. the hard way unfortunately, but i learned about it nonetheless.
Tumblr media
[ID: banner reading "This blog is protected by De Rolo family and co." in all caps. It has an orange cloud background. On the left is the De Rolo coat of arms and on the right is the symbol of Vox Machina]
18 notes · View notes
ccorinthian · 23 days
Text
People like me now bc I’m making an effort to be sociable and likeable and nice to be around but I don’t know if I actually want people to like me . It’s exhausting to let people close and keeping track of everyone and caring? Every social interaction still feels like a scene where I’m at high risk of saying the wrong thing or my off putting core seems to poke out & im wondering why I shouldn’t just vibe w that and be off putting. Save my sociability for my job behind the bar and be a freak whenever else. I can’t deal w people and I can’t deal w being alone and I don’t want anyone to get to Know Me I don’t think. I get asked questions and I answer and people react as if I’ve said something crazy so why shouldn’t I just double down and stop filtering myself so much. Then the people I want to be around will stick around and those that requires effort won’t . And either I’ll be mad lonely for all time or I’ll find the people I vibe with eventually ?!
5 notes · View notes
nicolespeaks · 10 months
Text
I feel like with him, I'm either loving him or he's loving me. I feel like we haven't loved with each other in a while, if ever.
Time as it's happening now is delicate and weird. I think there's a lot we need to adjust and get used to. Living separately I think is good. I think always being around each other brings other stressors on top of our problems, more is expected from one another. Maybe I just feel that.
The space I need is understood, I think so. I do need this separation, just selfishly, personally, I need my space. I can't feel trapped, I can't be put in a role.
I'm not thinking about how things will be, what we're going to decide later on. I have my space to help myself, to be safe. I do feel alone, I do want connection, but I know what position I asked for, and what I pushed for, and I need to be firm with myself in giving myself what I need.
A lot of issues opened up for me, a lot I'm not ready to confront and work on. I still feel unsteady, shaky, I know I'm doing my best. I need to keep being kind, compassionate, understanding.
I think my immaturity and unsteadiness wants me to quickly get back into the intense love and infatuation and sex and happiness and no problems. I feel like I need to show up differently, make up for what I've done. But I know that's retracting back into my harmful behaviors because of my intolerance to distress. I have the space to work through that, I learn how to handle my difficult emotions, to make myself feel space and okay.
I think I'm still filtering out the old. This is a period of adjustment, learning new things, doing the new things, finding out what works for me.
It is lonely. It's harrowing in a way. It's confusing, troubling, I feel lost in a new place, but I know I just need time to learn what's around me, familiarize myself with this new environment.
I really do need to think about myself, find my goals and make a plan that works for me and what I can commit to.
I'm doing well staying in the present, staying connected to the world and my body. I'm not dissociating as much, if even, and I'm understanding my weaknesses and triggers more.
I feel like the work I'm doing now isn't excessive or obsessive. I'm not pushing myself to exhaustion to figure this out. Again, keeping that kindness, compassion, and understanding.
I was really upset thinking about my sexual trauma. It grasped me in a chokehold and I felt like falling apart. But when I got home, I thought about how this is my experience, this is my life. No one knows what's going on beside me. I can keep that within myself and figure out how to take care of myself. I don't need to share with anyone, and I don't need to repress or isolate either. I've given my power back to myself, I'm building up my strength and confidence to handle myself, my emotions, my problems, and understand what is good for me.
Im compassionate. I'm kind. I'm caring, understanding, I'm open to love, and I love freely. I have a good heart, a strong sense of justice. I'm passionate in what I care about. I think about everything, everyone. I want fairness and honesty. I understand what's good about me, I see the good qualities, I feel them. I can love myself, and I feel that I do.
I have a lot of trauma, a lot of unhealthy harmful behaviors, coping mechanisms. I have been mean, unfair, dishonest, so so cruel. I know why, I know that's not my true nature. I can love myself, with all my qualities. I can build those up again, I can make myself happy.
I'm doing well, I'm making progress. I'm taking the time to understand myself, to ground myself, to connect with myself and the environment around me, the people around me. I know I look at things as "how do I interact with this" even with people. I feel like I'm always performing, always calculating, analyzing, finding the best way to execute. I'm learning how to not do that. How to be as I am, how to not think of the next move.
I'm doing good.
0 notes
creaturebehavior · 1 year
Text
damn. life hurts. i think i’ve been having a really hard time.
i feel like i will never get out of this hole because the world wasn’t designed for me. i get burnt out every time i try to do what everybody else is doing
all i want is to run away. i have no income and nowhere to run.
i wish i at least had money for drugs.
i can’t believe i’m alive. i don’t want to do this anymore. i can’t wake up to this anymore.
i wish i at least could afford to use drugs. i can’t believe how suicidal i feel today. i haven’t felt this way in a really long time.
i wish i could be more normal. all i want is to work a little job and to make enough to get my needs met but i can’t even hold a conversation with a human or barely leave my house
I feel trapped. and i know if i try to kill myself again i’ll just end up not getting the help i need like every other time and for some reason i can never fucking die like i just won’t die i always live no matter how many overdoses or seizures are car crashes or the whole town burning down while i’m driving through it in my car but for some cruel reason i just won’t die.
i have to find another way. i’m honestly kind of afraid to die but i’m also so afraid to keep on living. i think if i were to seriously attempt suicide again, i would try carbon monoxide poisoning in my car in the garage but i’m just afraid i would have too much time to change my mind. i always think a lot about hanging myself so that i can’t change my mind but i can’t find anywhere in my house to hang myself from.
idek. i’ve been having a really bizarre week, mentally. i lot of flashbacks. a lot of dreams. a lot of recent fumbled social interactions m, reinforcing my fear of interacting with people. a lot of awareness around my behavior, past and present and how toxic of a person i’ve always been. i don’t know how to heal from this or change. i’m in so much pain all the time i’m such a selfish person, i’m just like my dad, my whole life is about how much pain i’m in and making it every im else’s problem. This is the reason why i avoid people and isolate myself from everyone, because i don’t know how to behave. i don’t know how to not act out. i don’t know how to regulate my emotions. i don’t know how to filter my thoughts. even if it’s accidental, i am rude. i feel feral. i feel completely detached from the song and dance everyone does with each other. i have such low empathy. i find it hard to care about anybody. i’m so burnt out, i find it hard to continue to politely pretend i care about anybody.
i’m clearly very unwell. at least i’m aware of it now, right? i just can’t fathom how i’m gonna get better. i’m exhausted. i don’t know how to try to care i don’t know how to be better. i cut myself off from the world. i try so hard in my little interactions when i run my necessary errands and i try to be nice but i still am accidentally rude and i come off very strangely. whenever i’m stone cold sober i appear to be on drugs because i’m so out of touch with reality and i’m so mentally fucked in the head. don’t know what it is. severe dissociation and anxiety i guess. I have been having to confront my internalized ableism as i haven’t been this sick in awhile, and the older i get the slightly more self aware i’m becoming. I realize how visibly ill i am. and it’s been difficult to bring that around other people because i feel so much shame being as.. out of whack… as i am. i wish i could hold it in but i just can’t mask anymore. i got so burnt out and i’m so sick.
ugh. i don’t know how i’m gonna get past this. i know something obviously needs to change. clearly i need some kind of help but i’m scared to get vulnerable with more mental health professionals. i’ve had some bad experiences in recent history that really messed up my relationship with therapy and treatment. i’ve developed trust issues that i know i’m going to have to get over but they are very real. my last therapist made me feel worse at every session but i kept seeing her because i was convinced it was a me problem, because i have a really difficult time opening up to people already. we didn’t click but i saw her for like two years because i thought i just needed to warm up to her because i already have trouble trusting anybody. and now i’m all screwed up cuz we had so many bad sessions i can barley remember what it’s like to have a good therapy session and when i reflect on all the years i’ve been in therapy and i’ve only really connected with one therapist out of idek what feels like countless therapists i’ve tried. It’s so hard to find someone i feel i can be open with.
idek. i feel stuck
0 notes
fyeheadheather · 2 years
Text
Tumblr media
I really need to get this off my chest. I'm tired of being the go to person all the time. I'm tired of putting others before myself. Especially when those same ppl make me feel like shit. I could write a book about our history. But long story short it's my father. Who is now blind. But personality hasn't changed. I would say he is a narcissist, bipolar, and just really doesn't have a filter. I could come up with a bunch of excuses for him (which I have been doing over the years due to his actions) like he is just stuck in his ways, or apologize for him but I'm really sick of it. I'm tired. I'm so mentally exhausted. & Now he is blind. I'm having to be a primary care giver so I'm dealing with his negativity on a daily basis. When he gets irate I ignore him for a few days which is understandable because I don't wanna be around you. I have finally moved out. And all this blind stuff has come up in the last year or so. He is getting ss and as much as id like to kiss his ass bc he has money now & I know he will look out for me because he is now in a position too it's not even worth it bro. I really just wanna go about my life and leave him where he is at. And that's a whole other conversation. How do I cut off someone that is depending on me for almost everything. He can't even get a phone number. Doesn't know how to use Google on his phone & lives to say things like " I didn't even know my phone could do that . Because he doesn't want to learn . He is satisfied with just knowing how to dial numbers and thats it. He wants everybody to "assist" him but in return talks down. Makes me feel horrible. I just don't want the negativity. I blame the house he is in bc I too felt so depressed and had to escape. He has the ability too financially now but won't . Because he views it as a glass half full situation. He doesn't have to pay rent where he is now so he is able to stack his cash in the mean time . I want what's best for him & he has to get out this house. Then I've been wanting to start exercising again and I CANNT because I always have to take him some where. He has to go to the grocery store every 2 days. It's crazy. I feel bad but I don't bc he not giving me a reason to want to help him at this point. Like I owe him something.
He called me 2times earlier today and when I woke up and called him back he goes " I been calling you all day" he makes me feel like shit if I don't pick up first ring or drop what Im doing. If I can't come he says "I ain't been able to go to the store for a week" just over exaggerating everything and making me feel as if I'm neglecting him. But he is a able bodied man. How are you cooking on your own. He. Still wants to drive and I'm strongly against it. It's just so much going into this shit. But I'm tired that's main thing. I thought I was free once I moved out but this is a literal nightmare.
0 notes
noraszoo · 3 years
Text
Komorebi (6)
komorebi, final.
synopsis: Tsukishima dislikes the amount of parallels there are with you and Hinata. He dislikes the way you’re so energetic and exuberant when you want to be, and the way you can get along so well with people. He dislikes the way that people are naturally drawn to you, and the way you’re so willing to put time into your dumb gifts and snacks and treats for a team of boys you barely know. But Tsukishima does not dislike you. And he supposes that’s part of the problem.
series content: developing relationship, (sort of) ooc tsukishima, strangers to (sort of) friends to lovers, angst, fluff, slow burn
part one | part two | part three | part four | part five | part six
(the final part!! i don’t wanna ramble too much for right now so all of my final thoughts will be at the end! 
love yall :) )
☾.:°∗★.:☆:.★∗°:.☽ 
Just like that, Tsukishima is back to square one. 
The world goes silent for a few days. He hates to admit that he’s losing sleep over you, but at this point he’s too far gone to care what anyone thinks about him. Except for you--and while he knows that assuming things is bad, he can only conclude by the way you looked so scared of him before, that you do not think he’s a good person. 
(The gifts you gave him nearly contradict that assumption. But he ignores those for the most part. The scarf you gave him a while ago rests on a chair in his room and more often than not he finds himself staring at it during the deep hours of the night. He hasn’t worn it yet.)
Yamaguchi keeps giving him glances during class--not that that’s any different from before, but it irks him more now that he’s actually seen you. The blonde wonders if his friend knew about you, knew that you were going to drop something off in that moment and just never thought to warn him. Maybe you two were plotting that together, like an odd sort of revenge tactic. 
He doesn’t know. He doesn’t know a lot of things. What he does know is that he’s tired, and he misses you, and he wants to be warm again. 
The morning is cold when we wakes up. He wasn’t really sleeping--it was one of those nights of a daze of exhaustion where he kept blinking himself awake. At five-thirty AM, he sighs, staring at the blank, matte wall of his ceiling. Tsukishima wills himself to crawl out of his bed and get ready for school. It’s still dark outside, the flames of daylight creeping up on the horizon while he steps around his room. 
He’s ready to leave by six. His mother is awake, sitting in the kitchen sipping hot tea and scrolling through her cellphone. She catches a glimpse of her son walking through the front door--Tsukishima feels her pensive gaze on him but refuses to say anything, just like always. 
The air is cold. Despite the long-sleeved uniform he’s wearing, Tsukishima feels ill-prepared to face the day, in more than one way. Nevertheless, he lets go of his reluctance at the door and trudges onward in the frigid air, nose flushed with red and cheeks going numb in a matter of seconds. 
(The scarf is in his bag now rather than his desk chair, hidden beneath his books and folders and pencils. He wants to wear it, knows he should, but his guilty conscious tells him to leave it unworn for now.) 
The walk passes by quickly, far too quickly for his comfort. Before Tsukishima knows it, he’s faced with the front doors of the very school he dreads to enter. 
His fingers tingle with numbness as he pulls at the metal handles of the door. The school is quiet, empty for the most part. The faint shuffle of teachers in their classrooms echoes throughout the halls as his feet lead him to Class 1-4. 
There’s a faint pitter-patter of footsteps from inside the classroom. Tsukishima passes it off as one of his teachers, again, but the sight he’s met with when he walks through the doorway gives him a disturbing sense of deja vu. 
You’re there, at his desk--the same bracelet from a few days ago resting on top of a box that  you seem to have just placed on his desk. You blink up at him owlishly. He can only return the gesture, dumbstruck as he is. 
It’s too reminiscent of the events from a few days ago. Once again, his eyes are prickling with stinging pain and his throat dries up. 
He doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t know what to do.
What does he know, he wonders. He knows he hates crying. It’s unfortunate that that’s the only thing he seems capable of doing. 
It’s all overwhelming for him. The cold of the outside lingering on his skin, the sheets of sunlight pouring through the window as the sun rises, your eyes, your sheer presence in front of him. It piles on his shoulder and soon he feels liquid heat pouring down his cheeks. 
Tsukishima Kei is crying. In front of you, in a classroom, watching you grip the box in your hands and stare at him, unmoving. 
His throat hurts. He tries to choke down any audible sobs, but loud, ugly sniffles echo throughout the room. He wants to fall through the floor, squeezes his eyes shut so he doesn’t have to look at you. He can’t bear to know that you find him pathetic, even more so than he already seemed in the last few weeks. 
Distantly, he recognizes the sound of footsteps coming closer to him but tunes them out in hopes that he’s just imagining them. A hand finds its way to his shoulder--it’s warm, and he flinches. He knows it’s yours, knows by the heat of it and the comfort he feels from a simple touch. It’s the first time he’s felt your touch, but he feels so light now--so warm and comfortable and cloudy. 
“Kei.” It’s your voice. It swims through the air and into his ears, sobs only increasing in severity at the sound of his first name on your lips. Your other hand comes to rest on his cheek, both sets of fingers gently brushing away the pouring stream. 
Fond. Tsukishima Kei is very fond of the feeling of your skin on his. He hopes he can become well-acquainted with it, if he tries hard enough. 
“Kei, it’s okay.” You’re so soft, voice low and lacking any hostility he expected you to have. Your thumbs pat at his under eyes, soaking up the wetness that pools. 
“Can you look at me?” He’s stubborn, hand coming up to grip your wrist and lips clamped tightly shut to reduce the shiver of his entire body as he weeps. A gentle shake of his head makes you sigh--he knows the way he’s acting is so uncharacteristic but he can’t help it. Not with the feel of your hands on his face, your voice, the sound of his first name spoken by you still ringing in his ears. 
“It’s okay. It’s alright. I’m here.” 
You are here. It seems impossible to him, but you’re here. With him. With your hands giving him warmth and comfort and fondness. Everything he ever wanted. 
His eyes blink open. Tsukishima Kei looks at you--really looks. Your lips are upturned, gentle as is the rest of you. The sun is halfway above the horizon now, the light from it filtering through the leaves of the trees that are planted outside the window. The golden rays hit your eyes perfectly, changing the hue the slightest bit and making him stop his tears momentarily--just to admire you. 
You blink at him. You smile. Tsukishima Kei is in love, just a little bit.
☾.:°∗★.:☆:.★∗°:.☽
(so... this has been a wild ride. 
first off i wanna say thank you for all the support i’ve received throughout this whole thing! it really means so much to me. i love you all so much. 
im very proud of myself for finishing this. this is by no means the greatest product i could’ve created--it was a little bit messy, and the word count of the entire series (ab 6000 i think) is lower than some long oneshots i’ve seen.
there’s a lot of things i could’ve done better--no doubt about that. but i am very proud of myself for making this. for finishing a WHOLE multipart series,,,,yes it was short but......its here! i did it! i’m finished! very happy with this. 
this series was mainly set in tsukishima’s own head--and i know it was probably at least a little disappointing that it was NOT action-based---and the fact that it was tsukki-centric was definitely a downer to some people because you didnt really get to feel what.... YOU would feel in that situation. we didnt get to see that here. 
and its okay if that’s what you disliked most!!! in truth i think that was one of my biggest weaknesses writing this series. but i liked it this way, i think. i like trying to analyze characters within my writing and i think that, at the very least, this was a good challenge for me to try to take on with characterization and the like.
anyways....that’s it i think! thank you so much for supporting me, really. i’m very thankful for everyone whose liked or reblogged any of the parts to komorebi. you are all incredible i love you. <3) 
(pssst!!! i’ll be talking about my 200 follower event soon. if you wanna participate, be on the lookout for that!!)
125 notes · View notes
Text
March Ado About Nothing
Series Summary - A series of one-shots and  drabbles written based off of prompts posted in the TSS Fanworks Collective server. The goal is to take traditional whump prompts and fill them in the least-angsty way possible every day through March.
A note that though some of these fills are written bait and switch style (written in a way you think is going in one direction but reveals it to be the opposite towards the end) they are all written in a fluffy or silly style with very little, if any at all, actual angst.
Day 14: Keep Them Safe
Summary: Virgil has three amazing kids he swears to keep safe. Remus often tests his limits.
Prompts: "Pick Who DIes”, *Manhandled*, Defiance
Ships: Familial Dad Virgil with kids Patton, Roman and Remus
Warnings: brief panic, food mention. Let me know if there are more!
General taglist (ask to be added or removed): @janus-is-an-adorable-snek-boi  @im-an-anxious-wreck  @logans-library (If you have asked to be tagged, please reblog)
WC: 1197
As a parent, Virgil had sworn to never let any harm come to any child that may come into his care. He figured having anxiety would help with this since it usually kept him almost annoyingly vigilant towards any threat, potential or not, that may be in the surrounding area at any given time. He considered himself to be rather good at it, especially after raising Patton for a number of years and having nothing traumatic or even bad happen to him at that time. He still had all his limbs, no scarring- mental or physical- and he was generally just a happy go lucky kid as it was and Virgil found he barely had to raise him at, mostly just be there for support and thank whatever gods were around every day that the kid never did anything punishment worthy because Virgil honestly doubted he’d ever have the strength to so much as put him in the corner.
The most Patton had ever done, as far as Virgil was aware and he was inclined to believe, was to steal a second cookie after dinner. The most he had gotten was Virgil asking him if he knew he could just ask and there would be no judgement cast for waiting extra of anything; that the only time he would be denied is if the request for food or otherwise was truly unreasonable or it would be dinner soon and he’d be given a light healthy option instead to tide him over. Since then the ritual had been two cookies after dinner if that was what desert was and honestly they were both very happy with the new development. By any parental standards, Patton was a good child- kind and sweet and Virgil was proud of him for how hard he studied even if he did have to pry him away sometimes to get him to take a break.
But Virgil had three sons, and he loved the other two with all his heart and was just as proud of them as he was of Patton. That being said- they were not as easy to raise as him.
Roman and Remus were twins and that was exactly where their similarities stopped. Roman was a reasonably quiet child, content with creating his own worlds and being immersed with them until he wanted attention- and you always knew when he wanted attention. He liked dressing up and singing in the halls and decorating cookies with him and Patton. He got along well with the older sibling and played nice even if he didn’t always understand all of Patton’s quirks and hang ups. He was decently behaved and Virgil loved him very much. He loved him as much as he loved Patton and as much as he loved Remus. What he didn’t always love was how scrappy Remus could be.
Well behaved in his own right Remus just did things- oddly. Normal everyday tasks were done but just slightly to the left. Who was Virgil to complain if he still got dishes done but stacked them in increasingly creative ways that would make his heart take a rain check if all their dishware wasn’t plastic? And as long as he hosed off before stepping in the house why would he deny him the joy of burying himself in mud like sand at the beach? And why on earth would Virgil ever yell at him for making a Rube Goldberg machine to feed the fish even if it did make fart noises every time the ball fell to set off another reaction? He was loud and eccentric and springy in the way he did things, but none of that was punishable. He sometimes made Patton nervous with the ideas he spewed thoughtlessly from his mouth with nary a filter to be had but after Virgil talked to him about it he took to coming to him instead and that was just fine.
Virgil considered himself to be a decent parent overall, with wonderful kids that he kept as safe and happy as he could. He had sworn no harm would come to any child to ever find themselves in his care- which was why, as he came out of his reminiscing and chanced a look up at the jungle gym where he knew they liked to play, he very nearly passed out from the adrenaline rush that shoved him off the bench and towards the mess of bars so quickly he would swear he teleported.
“Remus Antony Adrews get your feet on the ground right now!”
Remus for his part, had the presence of mind to look at least a little bit sheepish, balanced only on the balls of his feet while crouched on the highest section of the jungle gym with his hands dangling in front of him. Grinning he waved and shifted just a bit, making Virgil’s poor chest constrict with fright. “I’m fine Dad! Look!”
And then he stood up.
Now, Virgil was no child, at six foot two his head was level with the third quarter of the playset. So it was nothing for him to step up two feet with the bottom rung, catch Remus’ waist with one arm and swing him around to land solidly on his shoulder and step down to safety in one fluid motion. The eight year old’s protests were ignored as he was manhandled to his good shoulder, carrying him all the way over to the bench where he was promptly sat on his lap and secured in his arms. 
“Daaa-aaad!”
“Absolutely not. You are a wild child that must be contained and I will keep you here in a hug where I know you aren’t on the ground with your head cracked open until I stop panicking.”
Remus was silent for a minute, watching Patton and Roman climb around oblivious to what had just happened, too caught up in whatever game they were playing to notice Remus kicking his feet in irritation a few feet away.
“Like an egg?”
“What?”
“Cracked open just like an egg?” Remus clarified.
Scrunching his face at the image provided Virgil only hugged him tighter before sighing into his curly hair. “Yes, Remus. Like an egg. So please don’t do that again okay?”
Remus nodded sagely. “I’ll bury myself in the chips next  time.”
“What no, why would you bury yourself in the chips?”
“I was gonna leap down on them from on top but I’ll just trap their legs!” Carefully smoothing his horrified expression Virgil set his son down in front of him.
“No heights and no chips. How bout you hide behind the turtle instead?” Virgil pointed to the giant plastic turtle tunnel a little ways away from them. “They might expect you to be underneath them because that’s what you did last week- and don’t use that as an excuse to get up high. Running from somewhere not very hidden will throw them off since they expect you to hide well.”
“Oh! Okay!” And with that he was off, leaving Virgil exhausted and wary. He would always swear to keep his kids safe, but Remus could really test the limits of parental instincts.
Previous   Next
This work is also available on AO3!
If you like this, please reblog. Reblogging helps creators spread their work further!
9 notes · View notes
borderline-itsfine · 3 years
Text
Tumblr media
TW: mental illness, self harm, triggers, swear words, mention of therapy, mention of “mum” or mum figure.
Okay. Let’s stop right there. I don’t look mentally ill.... wh.... what does that even mean? I don’t.... what? I don’t look mentally ill. How is mentally ill supposed to look?
Because I didn’t brush my hair today and turned it into my aesthetic. My dress isn’t ironed and it’s only clean because my mum did my washing for me. I became hyper focused on my make up today.... again. It’s my newest “thing” and I’ve wasted money that I needed on it on an impulse buy where refunds aren’t accepted. I like shaving my legs, haven’t for..... ??? Same with arm pits. That pic is also the one I liked most from around 105 other pics, in different rooms.... with different lighting.... poses, smile, head tilt, slight.face.change.only.I.notice and tbh I really fucking hate myself while I go through 105 photos, some where I forgot the filter and I saw mirror me. Hate her.
Every time I walk across a bridge I want to throw my fucking phone off it. Typing that made me really angry. There is just something about walking over a bridge and smashing my phone off it. I think of it and my whole body gets agitated, I might even twitch. It’s now all I can think about. I want to do it. I love my phone! There’s so many precious photos on there (I don’t back up stuff, I want to though, promise....) and I don’t want to smash my phone but I really, really want to throw it off a bridge and smashing it. I think about this every day. I don’t know why I’m so passionate about it. This one I can trigger on purpose and I regret it every time because one day I think I’ll do it and then hate myself. All those f-bombs are totally impulsive by the way lol if I didn’t write those I was never gunna sleep until I did. That’s just the rules. I don’t make the rules but I do.
I have little impulse control, especially if I’m manic or psychotic at the time.... I do shit I regret CONSTANTLY. And I know it’s going to make a mess of my life but I do it anyway, come down after it and regret it.... then I bury it so deep until the next time I do said thing. Most of the time it’s for attention and most of the time I get it even if I manipulate it out of people. I will go to the kitchen, take my meds, walk over to my mum who’s in another room and tell her that I’m not taking them today or ever again.... ???? I just took them. I do the same the next day. It makes her mad. Make sense? Nope. But I can’t stop myself from doing this. I feel guilty every time I do it. There’s constant conflict in my head.
I test people to see how far I can push before they leave me and then I test that boundary for the rest of the time I know you. Don’t worry, it’s only if you’re in my close circle of people who might care for me, mum, FP, siblings, friends.... they cop it the most and I love them and they don’t deserve it but my golly gosh, sometimes I’m just that mad that everything inside me explodes out and I become a monster. I’ve said things I can never take back that make me want to die every day. Evil, evil things. I hate myself for it. I feel a lot of guilt and shame about this. I bet everyone is so done with my shit. Because same. Everyone else, I’m just adjusting myself to whatever social context I’ve found myself in. I’m good at adapting. You’ll like me, promise because I am you, pretty much.
I mask. Incredibly well. That’s not about my face. Next is about my face. I make it LOOK like I’m not mentally ill by literally ACTING LIKE IM NOT MENTALLY ILL. But I am, on the inside, like in my brain. Which you can’t see. Because it’s a MENTAL ILLSESS. Do umm... do we get it? I feel like we get it. I hope we get it. I’m also self aware, which took years of self reflection and therapies so I could learn about myself and try to “fix” it or at least just learn enough to do the opposite of some things. I’m mentally ill but I’m still a person, I’m still out here doing people stuff, doing the best I can.
Also, you may also notice I have a black eye. I was having a psychotic episode that was triggered because I argued with FP and they ignored me for what I see now was their own sanity. So I feel pretty rejected and abandoned. I just need to add that myself and FP have an extremely unhealthy relationship and I’m aware of this also. Erghhhhh. Anyway. While they were ignoring me, I called them as many times as I could. I also wanted to kill my self. I also told them this. Fucked up right? And I would never do this if I wasn’t in an episode. I then became frustrated and stressed and when that’s at max level I begin to punch myself in the head and the face.
This hurts, a lot. I’m often seen with a black eye, facial bruising, head lumps and split lips because I punch myself in the head. This is also new for me, maybe the last 12 months I’ve done this. One day I just couldn’t keep it in anymore and started punching myself in the head. I hate myself when I do this.
I hate myself a lot and I hate that statement. Dw I do love myself too. Depends on the hour or the minute. I promise I’m not faking. This is just today. It’s 10:30 in the morning and I was trying to cover a black eye at around 5:30 because I had a dream that felt too real and I was really angry and couldn’t sleep and I kept getting brain zaps.
This is what it’s like in my head. I know you can’t see it, I know I don’t say it but trust me, my head is.... and the hating myself and being exhausted all the fucking time by everything because so difficult.
Please don’t tell people they don’t look mentally ill. This is also the only place where I can vent like this and people are like “same, just same” and we nod at each other and we carry on. It’s beautiful. Don’t ruin that for us! It feels like the world doesn’t get it as it is.
Also, I REALLY LOVE YOU LOVES! ❤️❤️ thanks for being there and listening to all my bullshit. Especially when I don’t proof read very often so idk if it even makes sense. I’m glad you guys support it though, you’ve been the best diary I’ve ever had 🥰
9 notes · View notes
finn-ray-nal-beads · 3 years
Note
I’m so excited for all of the unnatural travesties we’ll get from you tonight around the dumpster fire of shame!!! How about a Fuck Marry Kill, but with a blurb on each one of course, for Captain Blowhole, This is Sparta, and I’m Your Huckleberry!
Unleash the shame and crack!!!
Tumblr media
@safarigirlsp YOUR MIND IS SO DEPRAVED AND IM ALWAYS LIVING FOR IT!😂 
GET READY FOR THE WILDEST RIDE A YER LIFE DARLIN’! 
FMK WITH THE CRACK AU’S: CAPTAIN BLOWHOLE, THIS IS SPARTA, AND OF COURSE.... HUCKLEBERRY 
FUCK: CAPTAIN BLOWHOLE 
Flip loved the sea and all its sea-crets (i hate myself) it held. Yes he grew very fond of you as well, keeping his cock nice and warm every night while you wailed on top of him. His balls never felt so light as his cum stayed nice and safe in your slick folds at all hours of the day. But if there was one thing he detested more than death, it was marriage. 
He never felt like he was the committed type, leaving you to question all the progress you’d made on his salty heart. Finally settling with what this all really was in the end, a quick fuck and forget. 
You hated the idea of being a pawn in his game, cursed him for it every time he entered your pussy, but the hate-fucking made it more exciting than anything in the entire ocean. 
You soon grew to enjoy being his own personal pet of sorts, him using you as his personal cumbucket whenever he needed to relieve his frustrations. 
Never once muttering the words commitment once you’d figured out his triggers. The one night you did resulted in a night spent in the barracks with the crew, grabbing at your clothing, shredding it to pieces as you cowered in the corner, kicking their grubby hands from your skin. The mutual relationship was enough to get you out of the stuffy town you’d grown up in, full of drunks and homeless buccaneers, taking even more advantage of your beauty than Flip had already. 
At least he was handsome, and well-endowed in just about every department you could think of. You craved the adventure, the smell of the salt in the sea, the wind in your pretty locks as you trekked the world with the Jolly Roger. 
Getting fucked into oblivion every single night, eating gourmet dinners, being gifted with all the treasures of the Seven Seas, even participating in a battle or two amongst the rivaling pirate ships. It was perfect. Being his personal pocket pussy was just enough to keep you satisfied. 
Tumblr media
MARRY: THIS IS SPARTA 
The wedding would be short and sweet. The entire village present as the nuptials of the two most beautiful people in the community were to be finally joined with the Gods blessing their union. 
You were draped in the finest silks your family could provide, the white illuminating your skin in a halo of glitter as you walked down the path to the steps of the temple. The grin plastered on your warrior rivaling Zeus himself as he watched you glide down the aisle, carrying a bouquet of wildflowers in your delicate fingers. 
You hid your face under a sheer veil, a small crown adorning your head as he was clad in his full army gear, including the Spartan helmet which covered his precious nose from your view. 
He and you were only able to remove the garb when the officiant blessed the marriage. You traipsed up the stairs, grabbing the majority of your silks in your free hand as you came to his place on the marbled floor. 
He held a large hand to which you took, both of you gazing into one another’s eyes as you waited for the end of the ceremony. 
“Phillip,” the senator pronounced, “will you uphold the will of the Gods to complete the duty to your country, as well as your commitments to this woman you’ve chosen to be yours?” 
Flip turned his head from the minister, to gaze into your precious eyes, smiling before he answers slightly above a whisper, “I do,” a chorus of javelins hitting the ground as the warriors in his guild were present in their full gear to witness their leader wed. 
“Y/N,” the senator turned to your direction, “will you uphold the will of the Gods to complete the duties to your country, as well as your commitments to this warrior you have been blessed with to be your betrothed?” turning your neck back to face him as his amber eyes swirled in your brain. 
“I do,” hitching a breath as you released the anxiety that had built up throughout the day of getting prepared for him. 
“Then it is the will of Zeus and Hera to bless this sacred union in holy matrimony,” he pronounced to the crowd of hundreds gathered, “you may seal your duties with a kiss,” gesturing for the removal of your coverings. 
He let go to remove the golden helmet, his ravened hair falling over his face in curls as he fixed himself enough to remove your veil. Your beauty shimmering in the light of day like a beacon, the smile on your face rivaling Aphrodite’s gorgeous stare. 
He pulled you to him, gripping the back of your head to tilt it to his face, embracing your lips in a searing kiss. The movements only increasing as the crowd signaled their agreements with the union, cheering and stomping their feet while throwing flower petals into the air in celebration. 
Yes the wedding would be short, but the reception would last days. The people dancing in the streets over your love. Women weeping as they watched their only chance with Flip fade away as you both gazed into each other, laughing and enjoying each other’s company. 
“I love you my muse,” he whispered by the lit bonfire surrounded by dancers, celebrating your marriage. 
“I love you too my strong warrior,” running a finger along his jaw as he leaned in to give you another kiss, your tongues laving over each other as you both fell into each other’s embrace. 
Tumblr media
KILL: IM YOUR HUCKLEBERRY
“Phil!” you screamed, tied to the bed of the truck in a spread eagle pattern, naked as a jay-bird in the cool night. 
“Fuck! Phillip! I’m gonna kill you!” crying out as your empty pussy puckered from the breeze that blew over the Colorado Springs plains. 
You heard a deep chuckle roll from the side of the truck, the flick of his bic lighting a cigarette that he blew smoke out from your peripheral, “aw darlin’, don’t promise somethin’ ya can’t keep,” a grunt leaving his lips as he lifted a spurred boot on his tailgate, the motion causing the entire bed to shake. 
“I said what I said,” spitting a wad to smack on the leather of the shoe as you shivered in the cold, “there ain’t nothin’ you can do about it, cowboy,” arching an eyebrow at the smirk that landed across his face again. 
“Oh, sugar,” he cooed, lifting his entire weight on his tailgate, pulling the knots on your ankles to make sure they still held up from your writhing, “there’s a million things I could do about it,” pressing a spur to dig into the flesh of your thigh, the metal causing you to wail out in pain as it drew the slightest bit of blood. 
“Just fuck me already you son of a bitch!” gritting your teeth to sand as he dug further into your perfect skin. 
“Hold the fuck on,” he growled out, sucking the last of his filter as he lowered to your mound, watching your hole open and close from the bite of the air, “last time I checked, brats like you don’t get anything they want,” running his free hand over your slicked up folds, a hiss leaving your mouth as you felt his gritty fingers touch your pretty pussy. 
“You’re such a goddamn slut,” snarling as he lowered the burning end of his cigarette on your other thigh, ashing it on your delicate epidermis. 
“Motherfucker!” the pain unbearable as he pushed the ashes into the welt, “Flip! Goddamnit!” a gush of slick dripping down to your asshole as you cursed his name into the night. 
“I know ya like the pain, whore!” spitting into your open mouth as he grabbed the trail of wetness and rimmed your puckered butthole with his thumb. 
“I’m gonna,” you winced out, moaning as he pushed his digit into your ass, “I-I,” losing yourself in the feeling of his other fingers filling your gaping cunt, coaxing them to close in on them like a finger trap. 
“You’re gonna what, sugar?” taunting as he watched your head roll back in pleasure, “you’re gonna kill me?” he chuckled again, watching you unravel on his fingers. 
“I don’t think you’re gonna do anything, baby doll,” feeling your walls close in on him as he brushed your G-spot, “in fact, I think you’re gonna cum all over my hand... like the fuckin’ slut you are,” cooing with his Cameled breath as he watched you come closer and closer to bliss. 
“You’re gonna cum,” he demanded, “and you’re gonna do it right now, Y/N,” growling out as he ran his free thumb over your aching clit, sending you into a frenzy of euphoria, the pressure built up so much from all of this causing you to release your spend in a stream that coated the entirety of his large hand. 
Yes, you were gonna kill him, but not until after he made you cum a few more times tonight. 
Tumblr media
HO-MY-GOD IM EXHAUSTED FROM THIS BUT I LOVE ALL OF IT WITH ALL MY HEART. THESE AU’S KILL ME IN THE BEST WAY!
Tumblr media
14 notes · View notes
anyu-blue · 3 years
Text
~
I know a big part of it is the sleep deprivation.. again.. but I'm hella depressed.
Like overall I'm.. content? I guess? I have job. = Good. I have place to live. = Good. I have my game(s) I can play anytime I have time/want. = Good. I have appointments to try and get feeling better and keep trying and keep trying when I don't. = Good. I have Kizzy and will probably have him for at least 3 more years, if not longer. = Good. I have contingency plans in place for paying for my surgeries. = Good.
I've got a lot of good right now. And it's not that I'm ungrateful. I am EXTREMELY grateful. Considering my issues I've done extremely well. Even if some of it was on accident.
It's just.. well.. I'm tired, of course. Not sleeping well or much for days on end sucks. Especially because I could have, but people are going to keep living their lives and accidentally waking/keeping me up because they just don't think about my situation 24/7. Or even know it. Or consider it. Because life's too short for that according to, like everyone but me.
I'm sick of course. I've definitely tried the 'I'm doing great/not sick!!' mindset.. and it doesn't work.. cuz stuff HURTS. I don't have the energy to keep pretending either... And I don't think there was really a time I wasn't sick. Not in my whole life.. and It feels impossible to have any hope I'll ever not be physically sick... No matter what or how hard I try. Especially because I'm aging as all people do. Especially being forced to constantly check what I eat because if I don't I can hurt myself/make myself even more sick. Or starve, which hurts me too but is better than the alternatives. Especially being I have to rely on a healthcare system that looks down on what I can afford. Especially because what I can afford is so little. Especially because of our healthcare system being so politically charged people like me with the needs I have (even just replacing bones!!! Hello?! Our STUPID society forgets teeth are BONES and NECESSARY ones at that- but the instant you say teeth people literally don't give two shits, think you're just vain, and 100% brush you off. Even doctors.. and I have cried so hard over this stupid stuff and tried to rally and I'm STILL trying to save my own god damn life. I hate saying that's what I'm doing because I have some of that stupidity in me of thinking vanity... But I'm literally trying to save my forsaken life and be a LOT less miserable, and I feel so hopeless because only the little people who get it actually seem to want to help/be able to push aside that vanity thought and it hurts so badly to ask them to squeeze for me-- thank you if you're reading this and you've reblogged/shared my post. And I cannot thank you enough, and feel I owe you so much if you've donated... Every tiny bit helps. You and I are little people in the sense we don't exactly have $10,000+ to just throw around an have no worries about lol)
I'm.. also lonely? I guess? .. it's probably the best way to describe it. I don't like people all over me. Or really messaging constantly because moods change and People have lives.. but I miss... I want... Stress free interactions. Getting to spend time and go and do things. Not being alone all the time or missing out on everything. Time is meaningless pretty much right now in the sense I've missed all the holidays. 100%. No time spent celebrating or using the time or even seeing people. Im so much a damn adult and yet I still feel like crying whenever my siblings/cousins talk about last halloween because they had so much fun... They spent the day together in matching costumes by themselves at a park. And that's it... I was delirious from sleep deprivation when I saw them for the 5 minutes I did.. and stress because of my ex being the bastard he is to me. And work. So I couldn't join them. And it doesn't bother them in the least. It's such a happy memory for them and I am struggling to let go of the envy. They have so many days they spend together too.. remotely mostly, but they have so much fun. They wake me up alot with their calls.. and get pissed when I'm like hey guys I'm sorry but could you tone it down? I honestly stopped asking lately because they get so pissed and have even been like 'It wasn't me at all!!' even when I can quote what they said back to them and try to find anything and anyone else to blame... My little sister especially is CONSISTENTLY Telling me she has no idea what she even just said so I know it's bullshit it's not her.... And it just hurts. I try so hard. I drug myself to fall asleep almost every single workday now and I hate it. It's not good for you I feel. Says non habit forming but I just. Uck. And I have familiar, soft sound on. And I've shut my cat out. And I've consistently changed my bedding and cleaned and worn masks/covered my eyes, and done everything I can think of to try and make sure I'm going to sleep as long as possible. I don't go to bed and wake up early in the evenings to cook or spend time with them anymore because I'm trying to give myself more sleep. I don't stay up to see my sisters during the day anymore. Because I'm trying to give myself more sleep. I turn everything off (besides what I hope will help with the noise) at noon and try to lay down as soon after noon as I can every day. Anything blue gets covered or turned off. Everything has red light filters too to get rid of the blue.. but I can't seem to get more than a few jagged hours any given day unless it happens to be their early days where they take naps or I end up so exhausted I'm passed out at night when I should be awake so my shifts aren't so hard... So all that adds up to my being alone and lonely as my own damn fault. Because obviously I stopped making the efforts... The thing that hurts most about that is I was the only one making ANY effort at all to include myself in people's lives (still rings true for everyone in my own city at least- family, friends, the works).. and when I HAD to stop and told them why and asked if they'd be willing to meet me sometimes when it was hard for them (even like once a month fully planned out if need be, or spontaneous because I'm NOT picky)... I got yesses. I did. But. Do you think it ever once happened besides the very day we talked about it?
No.
I can and have gone through every single message and note I have (my memory isn't what it was after I got as sick as I did last fall so I try to keep track of everything instead of relying on my memory anymore)... The only person who even slightly tried was only doing so because he wanted every gd opportunity to beg me to sleep with him (pretty much- he wasn't subtle).. and I had to cut him out because he's not a good person in his own right, sadly. Which left me entirely alone in many ways. Which leaves me entirely alone unless I reach out first and sacrifice sleep.
The continuance of this unfortunately has contributed to my depression.. and the fact no one wants to be around cuz I'm a bummer. And the sleep issues have caused irritability I try so hard to control, but at certain stages I just lose my filters and don't want to say stuff or ramble but I also don't want to miss the opportunity with the person (usually one of my sisters) so stuff gets awkward and they don't like being around THAT. And I don't blame them. But I'd do?
Ugh... I know night shift is my fault... And is a major part of the problem... But I work it to avoid People who don't care about me and mine. To keep myself safe. To keep myself from having panic attacks. I'm doing a lot better with them... But I was breaking down so often at or about work it was getting out of hand... With night shift I'm not overwhelmed like that and I don't have to worry do much about my poor mind losing its sharpness as much. I can take my time more or less. And I get paid enough to survive. ....
I'm just depressed and I know it's on me but I wish I had more help than I do..
Wishing is also the problem. Instead of being happy with what I have.
Blargh...
5 notes · View notes
archipelagolago · 3 years
Text
ahhhhhhhh it's the, I'm doing that thing again in which I'm convinced that I consist of too many idiosyncrasies to ever be loved.
1 note · View note
britnxyspears · 5 years
Note
(Abt the age post) I think you already look p breath taking but honestly? Most people tend to get their Looks looks at around 30-40 imo
I have a hard time finding myself truly attractive and always have because I find that I'm only really beautiful in the brooding exhausted way, you know? I look a lot older than I am in the eyes. It just juxtaposed with how young I look everywhere else so it just feels... gross to me?
And now that I'm working I haven't really been taking care of myself and I feel and look so much worse... The stress is really starting to plaster itself all over my skin and take itself out on my eyes and shit... my hair is falling out and my flaws are becoming a lot less reversible, I look like I'm aging on a skin deep level, yet I still look so stupidly young that it feels like im wearing a grotesque faceapp filter 24/7... That's why I don't post much of my face anymore :(
At least if I starting truly aging the stupid fat might come off and Id at least be 100% miserable hot... That's why a lot of people look more attractive in their 30s/40s. The fat sort of redistributes and more of the actual face structure is made clear and permanent.
1 note · View note
Text
Chapter 13
Hello, this is the story that you're about to read of how my now two ex-friends that I have known for 3 and 9 years backstabbed and ditch me during my move while I was having a mental breakdown. The question that I have am I the asshole in this story? Last year during the pandemic, I was thinking about what I want to do with my life. I decided that I wanted to move out of state, and I picked Florida. I told my now ex-friends C and N that I was planning on moving to Florida ( I don't want to use their actual names, so Im just using their first name initials ). At first, they were really happy for me,,, and they volunteered to help me move my stuff into my apartment when I do move. Moving to Florida was exciting but also scary because I have no friends or family down there but I wanted a change in my life. A year later,,, I got a job offer down here and I finally told them the goods news. We were super excited because I worked really hard to move,, and it was finally going to happened. We talked how much fun we were going to have and how this will be a smooth move. That did not happen matter of fact,,, the exact opposite happened. On the day of the move,,, which was June 20th, we had a 12-hour drive ahead of us; we planned on leaving at 7 am. Ex-friend N showed up thirty minutes late... I shrugged it off because it wasn't a big deal. We got to Florida in the evening time .Ex-Friend N does hair,,, and she told me that she had a client that booked her. Then she asks me can the client come to my apartment so she can do her hair. At first, I didn't feel comfortable with this because I didn't want a stranger into my apartment,,,,,,,,, especially I haven't seen the apartment yet in person. I was trying to be nice,, and I told her yes,, that was fine. We spent the night at the Airbnb because the apartment wouldn't be ready until the next day,, which was my birthday.
The morning of the move-in day,, we stopped by the gas station to get some light snacks before we start by moving my stuff in. Before we left,,, I told them that after we get everything moved in,, I wanted to get my hair done because we planned to go downtown to celebrate my birthday later in the evening. They told me that they were okay with it and it wasn't a problem. We get to the apartment,,,,, and it was completely fucked up. The patio screen was broken to the point it was hanging over the balcony. They were what it looks like a wasp or a hornet's nest on the patio door. The floor had paint on them, the ac filter needed to be changed, the walls were dirty, the shower looked like some type of mold in the corners. The door stopper was broken,, and underneath the fridge, it was filthy. I was pissed off,, but I had to return the rental car,,,, so I said I'll deal with issues the tomorrow morning. Ex-Friend C went with me to drop off the rental car,,, and we stopped by Wal- Mart to buy some things for the apartment. I bought them groceries,,, and I bought Ex- friend C an air mattress so she wouldn't be sleeping on the floor. After we came back from the store,,, I took a quick shower and headed off to get my hair done . I got my hair done,, and picked them up from the apartment to go to downtown. We got a quick bite to eat and did a ghost tour that I paid for the three of us to do. During the tour Ex- friend N started to complain. They were a girl in the group who kept coughing a lot, and ex-friend N felt uncomfortable and said she didn't want to do the tour anymore. She said she was afraid of getting covid even though she was already fully vaccinated and had her mask on her,,,, but I brushed it off. I told her she could wait for us when we're done with the tour, and we'll get her. Ex-friend C stayed with me until the tour was over. We went to the bar,,, and they were having a comedy show; the three of us were sitting in the booth. One of the comedians looks at us and ask us what we were doing tonight, and I said,, celebrating my birthday. The comedian proceeds to say " Oh did you get any birthday dick from your boyfriend''? Ex-Friend N lifted her head and the comedian said "oh never mind,,,,,,, that's a girl. "
Ex-friend N was super pissed off about the joke, and when we left, she want a huge rant about how much she hated black men ,because the guy was black, she kept saying that black men are disgusting, nasty, rude, and that they were all perverts, and this is why she only dates white guys. She is black too,, so I was really offended by this,, but I didn't want to say anything to make her more upset than she already was. We went back to my apartment, and that's when shit hit the fan. My apartment had roaches,,,,,,,,.,,,,, and I was trying to move my stuff away, but my two ex-friends ad didn't help me. Instead, they went on a rant about how this was a major inconvenience for them and that they're getting a hotel together without including me. I was in the room hearing them saying how they had other things to pay for, and that they weren't planning to spend money on a hotel. I offered to pay the hotel for them because I felt bad, but they told me no, don't worry about it. The next morning ex-friend N went with me to the rental office to talk about the apartment. After that we went back to the apartment , ex-friend C ask me if I wanted to put my stuff away I told her no. I said I'll wait for them to come to spray the apartment down before I put things away but I said no .because I don't want the roaches to get into my stuff and I;ll wait for pest control to come. Ex-friend C said she wanted to go to Starbucks and ex-friend N said she wanted to take a short hike. I said, that's fine; I'll do some exploring on my own. I picked up Ex-friend N from the park an hour later. I told her that I was mentally drained and exhausted and wanted to be by myself for a bit. She told me that she understood and was okay with that. I asked her what time did she need to be picked up from the hotel. She told me to get her and her ex-friend C around 3 pm. I then asked her were they planning on staying there for the rest of the day. She told me that they would chill at the hotel for a bit, and I said okay.
We went back to the apartment, and I told ex-friend C the same thing that I told ex-friend N. She said okay, and she said that she wanted to stay at the apartment to read her book. Ex friend N said she also wanted to stay to do some work . I asked them if they were okay and if they needed anything they told me no , they were fine to waiting at the apartment . At 3 pm they called me to come to get them to take them to the hotel. When they got into the car, I can already feel that there is tension. I apologize for not being in a good and that I was sorry. Ex-Friend N said with the nastiest attitude that quote,, " Nobody said anything or mention anything about it." I shrug it off at first because I was driving,,, and it started to pour down rain really hard, so I wanted to focus on the road. I asked her what time she needed me to take her to the airport because she was leaving the next day. She then said she'll take the metro because it will be more chill. She then tells me that she made soup and use my cooking wear . I said that was fine but then she says she didn't wash the dishes. I asked her why and she said because she wasn't sure if I would be okay with her going trough my stuff to get the cleaning supplies even though cleaning supplies were next to the cook wear . To me it doesn't make sense because if you already touch my stuff to cook then you should had cleaned it but she was being lazy and a bitch .Then out of nowhere she goes on to say that she felt like a taxi driver the whole-trip and that she felt like they didn't help me move. She proceeds to say that I abandon them in the apartment and that I was a bad friend for leaving them there. And that I should be grateful that they offer to help because nobody else would. She keeps verbally attacking me while ex-friend C is quietly watching the whole thing. Ex friend N continued gaining up on me and said that she was upset cause they didn't get to decorate my apartment or have fun on her last day. I told her I don't want to put anything because of the roaches; she said that it's not a big deal and that she lived with roaches for 14 months in her old apartment,, and dealt with it so should I . Ex friend C said everyone's first apartment is always shitty and that I shouldn't be upset of messed up my apartment was. She also said that I abandon both of them and joined ex friend N side. I finally snapped at them, which I shouldn't have,, but I was overwhelmed, and had hit my breaking point. Ex friend N said she not coming back to visit me and that it's all my fault that I had ruined their trip and I ended things on a sour note with them. I began crying and sobbing  really bad while they were getting out of the car without saying a word to me . Ex friend C texted me later that night said that she's leaving with ex friend N originally she was supposed to leave on Thursday . She texted me " good luck on the apartment let me know how it goes''. I was super pissed off by this , this was the biggest fuck you I ever got in my life. You were suppose to be my friend but you ditch me while I was having a breakdown and then have the nerve to say good luck. I came back to the apartment and saw the dirty dishes and open food cans on my countertop I was done. In the heat of the moment I sent Ex friend N a voice message saying that I was done being her friend , I said that she was selfish , rude and I was disgusted by her actions especially her rant on black men. I blocked and deleted her off of everything and haven't talk to her since. At first I was sad about ending the friendship because I known her for three years but I don't want to be friends with someone like that .
   Then two weeks some of my friends from VA came down to visit me. I told the whole story about what had happened. I still couldn't had cut ties with ex friend C yet because I was debating if I wanted to stay friends or not because I known her for 9 years and I didn't want to throw away the friendship . My friend suggested that I reach out to her to talk it out and so I did. I texted her that I wanted to talk about what had happened and that I was still upset and felt like she got mad at me for no reason. She sent sent a long text that she drove over 800 miles in the hot humid weather to help me move and she tried her best to be good friend to me and said that she wouldn't make that mistake again. She said I left them in the apartment . In her text she stated that it sucked that I wasn't over the situation but she had already move on from it. She said that I ruined their chance of having fun together . 
   At the end of her text she said it was best for us to part ways that she doesn't regret almost none of our time together . I cried at first while reading because I was hurt , I was trying to be the bigger person to solve the issue but she decided to run from it. I found out that she blocked and me off of everything which hurt even worse. I realize now that they were never my friends they were fake. They proved me to that they are selfish , toxic , cowards and only care for themselves . I paid for gas all the way down and they never offer to help pay for that and I paid for the rental car as well. I tried my best to accommodate whatever they needed but in the end I felt like I got taken advantage of and used. They used my move as a fun trip but realize things weren't going of what they wanted so they left when shit got hard. Im moving on with my life and Im glad that they are out of my life now.
0 notes
Text
Wonwoo - Small World (13)
{12.5} 
Tumblr media
You and Jay had been working on lyrics for a couple of days.  You weren’t quite sure how to write rap lyrics, as most of your own compositions so far had been ballads, but you were putting your all into it.  Jay already had his part complete, but wanted you to be able to put your own touch on the song.
“I just don’t know if it’ll flow together well.” you said to him after the third day of doubting yourself.
“Y/n, trust me. It’s gonna be great.  It’s a song about having a crush and dating. In the song I’m singing about being single and wanting to date the girl. Your lyrics will work just fine. If anything, we can use that towards our music video and have it be a love that didn’t happen.” Jay said, smiling.
“Music video?” you asked, confused.
“Yeah. They told you we’d be shooting a music video right?” he asked.
“Actually, no they didn’t.  But that sounds fun.”
You heard a knock at your door and turned around to see Wonwoo and Mingyu there.
“Oh hey guys!” you said, standing up to meet them.
“Sorry, are we early?” Wonwoo asked, looking between you and Jay.
“Nope, we were running late because I’m just not sure of myself and my lyrics.” you said.
“Y/n, seriously they’re great. I knew you were the right choice for this song.” he said, standing up to greet your guests also.
“Oh, sorry! Jay this is Wonwoo and Mingyu.  They’re in the group Seventeen. Guys, this is Jay” you said, pointing to each member.
“Yeah, I’ve seen a few of your stages. Your flows are pretty great.” Jay said, shaking each other their hands.
Mingyu got a huge smile on his face at the praise, while Wonwoo just kind of nodded his head.
“Alright, I’ll get out of here since it seems like you guys have plans. Y/n, just keep working on your lyrics, they’re good and you’re going in the right place. Don’t doubt it.  I’ll leave a sample of the music with you with what I’ve already recorded so you can mess with it and we can get back together in a couple days at my studio to go over it all.” He said, squeezing your shoulder once before leaving.
“Why didn’t you tell us you were working with Jay Park?! That’s huge!” Mingyu said, staring at your studio door he had just left from.
“I told Wonwoo and Ji. I haven’t seen you guys since it happened.” you defended
“Dude, why didn’t you tell me?!” Mingyu asked.
“It’s not my business to tell. Are we going to dinner now?” Wonwoo asked, sick of the conversation already.
“Yeah Salty Susan, let’s go to dinner.” you said, shutting off all your equipment.
Dinner was actually kind of awkward.  Wonwoo really didn’t say much, and you and Mingyu didn’t know each other very well so it was a quiet atmosphere. You didn’t like quiet.
“So what do you guys have planned this week?” you asked after a long silence.
“We have a lot of schedules.” Wonwoo said unenthusiastically.
“We do.  More music performances and then the AAA’s.  It’s going to be hectic, but it should be fun.” Mingyu said.
“That sounds exhausting to be honest.”
“What about you? Any big plans?” Mingyu asked.
“Not particularly.  I’ll most likely finish the lyrics tonight for the song with Jay.  And once it’s recorded we’ll start the music video so that will release the same day as the song.”
“You guys are making a music video too?” Mingyu asked.
“Apparently. I didn’t know that until he told me today. I guess it makes sense, but I’m kind of disappointed. I won’t have a solo music video out before that one.  It’s good exposure, but it would have been fun to film my own video first.” you admitted.
“Yeah, that’s always a tough spot, but like you said, it’ll get your name out there more.” Mingyu agreed.
“You’re awful quiet.” You observed towards Wonwoo.
“Don’t have anything to say.” Wonwoo shot back.  
After that, there wasn’t much talking, and you left as soon as you paid your part of the bill.
The next few days went by quickly as you finished recording the track.  You talked with Wonwoo every once in awhile, but the conversation was always very stilted to the point of awkward.  You noticed that he never reached out to you, you were always the one initiating conversation.
Once you started shooting the music video with Jay, you just stopped trying to make conversation with him.  It’s almost like there just wasn’t a point to what you guys talked about right now.
Once the video shoot ended, you tried reaching out to him again
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
Well what the fuck you thought to yourself.
You tried to recall anything that could have been bothering him but you couldn’t figure it out.
You got up from your desk, that was being used for nothing more than a punching bag at the moment and drove to Pledis.
You thought of searching out Wonwoo first, but your mind wasn't at ease. To be more specific, you were angry. He wasn't talking to you and you weren't sure if it was because of something you did, but it sure felt like it. But, before you saw him you needed to sort out your head.
With that being the priority, you knew where you needed to go.
”I just don't get it Ji. Why is he being such an asshole? He's never been like this before. Granted we haven't known each other that long, but he's always talked to me about anything and everything. That's the strongest point of our friendship; how easily we can talk and it's never uncomfortable or anything like that.” You vented.
“Calm down. I don't even know the whole damn story and you're throwing the ending it me right now.” Ji huffed.
“It started a couple weeks ago when I told him I would he working with Jay. He got all weird about it and I jokingly asked accused him of being jealous.”
“You didn't” Ji said seriously.
“I did! What now I can't even joke with him?” you asked, and watched as Ji shook his head disapprovingly.
“Then he came to the studio with Mingyu when Jay and I were writing lyrics. We were supposed to go out to eat but Jay and I took longer to write than I thought. So when they got there he was still there. I introduced them and everything was just fucking weird. Then at dinner he said like two sentences, so I ghosted because it was so awkward and he was being so fucking weird”
“Is that all?” he asked.
“No. He asked me to stop talking to him.” you admitted
“What?! Why?” Ji asked, surprised by the turn of the conversation.
“I have no idea. I told him we'd finished recording and did the music video already. Then I told him Jay asked me out” you said, and then Ji cut you off.
“Wait Jay asked you out?” Ji yelled at you
“Yes. And I told Wonwoo I turned him down because I have a boyfriend.” Again, Ji cut you off.
“What? When the fuck did you get a boyfriend?! How did I not know this?!”
“Oh my fucking God. You and Wonwoo are the same! I don't have a boyfriend. I just told Jay that so he wouldn't ask again. But Wonwoo asked the same thing and I said I didn't have a boyfriend, but I wasn't looking because there was someone I want to be with, but it's confusing.”
“Damn. You're out there just breaking that boys heart.” Jihoon said, sighing loudly.
“What?”
“He doesn't want to hear about you liking someone else. I know that much.” Ji said.
“For fucks sake Ji. It's Wonwoo! I'm in love with Wonwoo!” you screamed at him.
You got nothing in return but a blank look.
“But it's not like I could tell him that over text, or even at all! I hardly know him, we haven't known each other long and I'm pretty sure I'm just one of the guys to him. Im not going to make things awkward by telling him how I feel.”
You were on the verge of tears at this point. You'd never admitted it out loud. It was nuts. You couldn't be in love with him. You guys have known each other long. There were still things you didn't know about him, and yet here you were, madly in love.
You'd started liking him when he was just pomegranate guy. The guy you randomly talked to and could share stuff with. The guy who would let you rant about weird shit at two in the morning. And then after learning who he was and hanging out with him, it just increased by the thousands. Each time he smiled at you, laughed with you, hugged you, your heart fell deeper. Soon you realized there was no escape. You were in love with him
You sank onto the couch in his studio, Ji immediately coming to sit next to you.
“You seem surprised.” Ji said
“I kind of am. It's… It's crazy right?” you asked.
“No at all. I suspected it a while ago. You look at him as if he's the only one in the room. Sometimes you even talk to him as if he's the only one, and all 13 of us are there. Anything happens, big or small, and you want to tell him immediately. I'm not surprised at all.” Ji admitted.
“You should really tell him.” Ji said softly.
“I can't. I don't want to lose him. Other than you, he's my best friend.” Truth was, you were scared. You didn’t want to be rejected and ruin what you guys had.
“Your best friend who you’re in love with. That's not fair to you to hold it in. I know you're scared, I can see it on your face, but noona, you need to tell him.”
"No. I can't. I won’t.” you said stubbornly.
“Come here. I want to show you something” Ji said suddenly, yanking on your hand.
“I'm not in the mood Ji” you said, trying to pull your hand from his.
“I don't care. Come on” he said, not letting go.
You didn't move so Jihoon picked you up and then you over his shoulder.
“Seriously? Put me down.” you said, slapping his back.  He ignored your pleas until you reached one of the small practice they used to practice their vocals in.
“Just sit here and listen.” Ji said, throwing you down.
“Ji stop this isn't funny.” you started saying. But then you heard music start and a low voice filtered through the partially opened door.
I know how to let you leave. But how am I supposed to let you go? And now you stand in front of me...and all the rain was turning into snow.
You looked in and saw the profile of Wonwoo, sitting on the floor, microphone in hand. You should have walked away, you intended on walking away. But you didn't.
Can you tell me that you're real so I can really know, that everything I feel I called finally show. Standing next to me, is the person I can be is finally here, and I won't back down at all.
You watched him sing, voice and profule showing all the pain he must be feeling, making tears spring to your eyes and your heart constrict tightly in your chest.
But I can't stop thinking how you just keep making sense of all that was broken before. And I won't keep faking, I'm so done with taking. With you. I'm not broken anymore.
You tuned to where Ji has been standing, only to see an empty hallway.
You walked to the door, intending on opening it, but you froze. You stood agsinst the wall next to the open door, and listened.
I've seen the empty deep. I've damned up the water flow. You are the touchstone, my complete. You're the ship that kept me afloat.
You slid down the wall into a sitting position and let the tears flow freely. The song was so beautiful and Wonwoo’s voice tore at your heart more and more.
Can you tell me that you're real so I can really know, that everything I feel I called finally show. Standing next to me, the person I can be is finally here, and I won't back down at all. But I can't stop thinking how you just keep making sense of all that was broken before. And I won't keep faking I'm so done with taking. With you, I'm not broken anymore.
You all but broke down in the hallway as you heard him sing the chorus two more times. Voice filling with even more emotion than the previous time.
The violins in the background just made it even more emotional.
You weren't sure how long you sat there for, but you heard Wonwoo sing a couple different parts to the song again, changing it up each time.  What didn't change was how beautiful and haunting his voice was as he sang that song.
You heard him sigh loudly and mutter a pained damn it.
Your brain wasn't working as quick as it normally does because by the time you heard his footsteps, he was already opening the door all the way.
He stopped suddenly upon seeing you’re prone form outside the door. You could only imagine how you looked. Hair a mess from running your hands through it, face tear stained and red. You had no energy to try and hide it right now.  
“Y/n? Are you okay? What's wrong?” He asked frantically.
You slowly stood up, losing your balance in the process. Wonwoo immediately reached out to help you, but you flinched back. You knew with the deep lyrics he had written the song, but knowing he'd never return your feelings hurt. Whoever he wrote the song for was more than lucky in your eyes. When you felt his hands on your waist to steady you, it was like a white hot iron straight to your heart.
Once you were standing fully, he quickly removed his hands from you.
“That song was beautiful” you said meekly.
“You were eavesdropping on me?” He asked, voice now accusatory.
“It wasn't intentional. I was kinda... dropped here. I was going to walk away, but then I heard your voice and I was glued here.” you said, dropping your eyes to the floor upon seeing the anger on his face.
“That doesn't mean you can just listen in to people's private sessions. You're a producer you know that.” he reminded you.
“I didn't mean…” you started to defend, but your voice wasn’t coming out.
“No. You never mean to. It just happens, and there's no ramifications right? Whatever Y/n wants, Y/n does!” Wonwoo said.
“I don't..I don't mean to do that.” Was that really how you were?  Were you selfish?
“Well you do. Why are you even here?” he asked.
“I was visiting Ji” you answered quietly, eyes still trained on the floor in front of you.
“So how did you end up outside of this room? Ya know what, never mind, I don't even want to know. I can't do this right now. I can't be here with you right now. This is killing me.” he said, causing you to look up at him, just in time to see him shake his head at you.
You watched as he turned to walk away. 
You aren't sure what came over you, but before you had time to process it, you'd already spoke.
“I love you”
{14}
Link to song used in this part.  It’s Not Broken Anymore by Blue October. 
129 notes · View notes
niigoki · 6 years
Text
TWICE title: we’re a mess (let’s finish what we started) - Chapter 10 pairing: NaMo, MiMo, Saida, JeongMi, 2yeon, Chaeyu
Read on Ao3 or AFF
If Charles Darwin himself came to Im Nayeon with scientific proof that being awake for 24 hours relying on pure caffeine was unhealthy for your body and could cause numerous illnesses that would hinder the path for humanity’s evolution, she would look at him in the eyes, and call bullshit.
Nayeon was positive that coffee had been invented by a miracle-worker, and their sole purpose on this Earth was to give young adults the key to surviving increasingly difficult lives. The beverage was bitter, yes, and maybe it was making her entire body shake with the strength of a small-scale earthquake, but when she thought about the positive aspects of not having to sleep anymore, it didn’t feel so bad.
Nayeon had nine days to practice her singing, dancing, and memorize the dialogue for her musical and her commercials – those tasks became much less stressful when she had 8 extra hours her day to do so.
Who needs sleep, anyway?
“Nayeon, you’re eating your script.” The voice of her co-star sounded distant and reverberant, even though she was right by her side. Probably nothing Nayeon should concern herself about.
“Yes, Jennie, I need to get this as soon as possible.” Nayeon’s eyes were unfocused as she munched on her salad.
“No, I mean you’re literally biting a piece of your goddamn script.” Jennie removed what Nayeon thought was a leaf of lettuce out of her mouth, making her snap out of her dissociating state. Looking down, she saw the tip of paper wet and crumbled.
“Oh.” Nayeon blinked slowly, paused, then used her fork to get an actual leaf of lettuce. “I see.”
“Girl, are you okay?”
“I’m wonderful. Thank you for asking.”
“Yeah, that’s a no, then.”
Jennie was a sweet girl, and one of the first friends Nayeon made when she got into the Drama Club. She was pretty, dedicated, and the best dancer in the cast, everybody knew it. When their first play was announced, Nayeon and Jennie fought over the main role with blood, sweat and tears, but in the end, no one could really measure up to Nayeon’s talent. Jennie didn’t resent her for that, however, and only tried to get closer to her, to get some tips on acting. Nayeon felt incredibly relieved by that – other girls had eyed her with envy the first time Mr. Kwon had complimented her, but not Jennie. The two were close friends now, and supported each other on a daily basis.
However, Jennie was not part of the group of nine from high school, so she didn’t know Nayeon nearly well enough to realize when the girl was truly troubled; the fact that she did notice something was wrong was telling.
“I’m just focused on the task at hand,” Nayeon replied in a monotone, finishing her late lunch. It was three in the afternoon, and she had ordered delivery – eating backstage was prohibited, but everyone did it anyway.
“I could put my groceries in the bags under your eyes, honey,” Jennie said, sass dripping from her voice. “Are you resting properly?”
“Yes, I’m sleeping fine,” Nayeon lied, putting her utensils down. Eating while reading her lines had become a habit, so she didn’t lift her gaze. “Don’t worry about it.”
“You know that overexerting yourself won’t help, right?”
“Jennie,” she finally looked up, one hand curled into a fist on the table. “I can do this.”
The way the words had come out was strange, forced, as if Nayeon was talking to that awful voice inside her head. As usual, she needed to convince herself before she could convince anyone else.
And, as usual, she was failing at the task. But that was okay, because Nayeon was good at pretending.
“I never said you couldn’t.” Jennie was calm despite the outburst. “We all know you can. Hell, you’re good enough that we all collectively agreed that the main role should’ve gone to you, do you know how hard that is to accomplish?” Her impish smirk was a welcome sight in the middle of the chaos.
Nayeon chuckled a bit at that. “I know.”
The girl reached to rub her shoulder. “Don’t overdo it, okay?”
The more people worried about her, the more undeserving of their worries Nayeon felt. She grinned with her teeth, but it was a soulless expression. “I’ll do my best.”
After wiping her mouth and throwing away the plastic container and utensils, Nayeon got up and grabbed her bag, making her way towards the exit.
“Where are you going?” Jennie asked. “I thought you were going to rehearse.”
“I am,” Nayeon had one foot out of the door by the time she processed the question. “I need to practice the dance moves.”
It was a musical, after all.
Jennie waved her goodbye and told her to be careful, and Nayeon left the theater building. Her legs felt heavy, and the scorching sun on the way to the main building burned the back of her head with ridiculous intensity. It felt like she was walking on molten lava, and she was sure that she was seeing mirages in the distance. Nayeon blinked quickly, rubbed her eyes, and kept pressing on.
Entering the building was a relief; as soon as people stepped in, they could feel the comfortable chilliness of the air-conditioner. Nayeon paused for a second, a sudden dizziness attacking her sense of balance, and she leaned on a wall. She held her head, wiping the sweat out of her forehead with a groan.
“It’s just the change of temperature,” Nayeon whispered to herself. “You’re okay. Move on.”
She urged her legs to walk again, but there was a delay in her thoughts. Where was she going again?
Oh, right, the dance studio.
Nayeon frowned, trying to remember where it was located. She would have to go downstairs; her main concern right now was not falling face-first on the floor.
“Move.” She gritted her teeth, and finally, with much effort, started walking again, still touching her hand on the wall.
Her fingers slid on the surface, and it was a nice, raspy texture. The building was old, and everything in there was worn out; Nayeon worried that one day the place would just fall apart. The equipment used in the classrooms got heavier by the year, and she wasn’t sure that the wooden floors could take the weight.
She didn’t know why she was suddenly concerned about such trivial problems. Maybe it was to distract herself from her other, more pressing matters.
Was this her way of protecting herself from the thousands of turbulent thoughts going on in her brain? If so, Nayeon thought, then I’m good at not self-destructing.
“Either that, or I’m going crazy.” She paused. “I’m talking to myself. Wonderful.”
Nayeon finally reached the corridor and was about to turn, when someone bumped into her. With her legs already weakened and her body pretty much in another plane of existence by that point, Nayeon couldn’t hold on, and fell backwards. She closed her eyes and waited for the impact, but a strong arm wrapped around her torso, stopping her demise.
“I’m sorry!” That voice was familiar.
Nayeon opened her eyes, then rolled them. “Oh, great.”
Sleep-deprived Nayeon, as it turns out, had no filter.
Jeongyeon stared at her, blinking, then straightened both of them up, letting her go. “Good morning to you, too.” And because they’ve known each other for too long, Jeongyeon immediately frowned when she noticed her ex-girlfriend’s pale face. “Wow, are you okay?”
“Creative.”
“Huh?”
“Nothing, just—” Nayeon pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed. “Everyone’s been asking me that lately. You, Jennie, Jihyo, Mr. Kwon. I’m fine. Can we move past this?”
They stared at each other for a few seconds, and the atmosphere was awkward. Jeongyeon ruffled her blonde locks. “Fine, sorry I asked.”
“Ok, great.” She didn’t want to face the her right now, because looking at Jeongyeon’s loose shirt and eyes reminded her of how beautiful she was at the party, which reminded her of the kiss, which reminded her of her lies, which reminded her of the reason she was lying, which reminded her of her feelings for—
“I don’t have time for this,” Nayeon shook her head and walked past the girl. “I need to go.”
“Nayeon.” Jeongyeon grabbed her wrist gently, but Nayeon broke free with a violent tug.
“Don’t touch me.”
It was hostile. It was wrong. Saying that to Jeongyeon felt wrong, and Nayeon regretted the words as soon as they left her mouth.
But instead of feeling hurt and afraid, Jeongyeon just put both her hands up calmly. “Okay. I’m sorry.”
“No, I didn’t—” Nayeon’s heart was beating out of her ribcage. “I didn’t mean that. Not in that way.”
“I know.” A small smile made its way to Jeongyeon’s face. “You’re stressed. I get it.”
“Yeah,” Nayeon looked down, ashamed, then closed her eyes with a sigh. “I’m sorry, either way.” She opened them again, and allowed herself to stare at the girl for a second.
Jeongyeon’s shirt was too big for her, which was a cute look, but it kept exposing one shoulder; looking at it, Nayeon noticed something. Her gaze fell on slight crescent marks on her bare skin – four of them, lined up in a row. She frowned. “What’s that?”
“Huh?” Jeongyeon tilted her head to the side and when Nayeon pointed with her head, she looked down, then froze, pulling her collar back up. “Oh. That.”
There was no explanation for a moment, and Jeongyeon was averting her eyes, and that’s how Nayeon just knew. She was well familiar with that body language; the fidgety stance, the diminutive posture, as if she’d been caught committing a crime, the way Jeongyeon tensed almost imperceptibly – but Nayeon noticed it.
She noticed everything about Jeongyeon.
“…Oh.” Was all Nayeon said in return.
“That’s… something I need to talk to you about.”
“No. Just—” Exhaustion washed over her, and she couldn’t afford that right now. “I have a musical in nine days, followed by a day-long recording of five commercials that will really boost my chances for a profession in the area, and I can’t—” She stopped to breathe; it was like her lung capacity had been cut in half. “I can’t deal with… this, right now, on top of everything.”
“Nayeon…”
“Jeong, please. I can’t have my career falling apart, too.”
‘It’s all I have,’ crossed her mind.
She didn’t wait for Jeongyeon to reply, and finally left the corridor. The stairs felt wobbly under her feet, but she held on with all she had to the handrail, running downstairs in auto-pilot. The lower level of the building felt colder than usual, and it echoed with each step as she finally got to the studios.
Nayeon reached for the door handle, but it was like her hand passed right through it – a ghost filled with regret and pain. That’s when she realized that everything was blurry. Was she going to faint?
No, that wasn’t it. Nayeon felt wetness on her cheek and forcefully rubbed her eyes, slapping her face in the process. “Don’t cry. Stop crying. I’m not crying.”
Can you blame her for finding happiness somewhere else? With someone else?
“Go away. I’m not dealing with you, either.” She was glad that no one was around to hear her monologues. Maybe she was losing her mind.
You want to know, don’t you?
“No, I don’t.”
Lying to others might work, but lying to yourself just makes you look pathetic.
With another push, Nayeon finally touched the door, and snorted. “Fuck off.”
She rather liked scoffing at her inner voice.
She didn’t like thinking about Jeongyeon fucking someone else.
She was such a hypocrite.
  --
   Momo dragged her feet across the classroom, not in the slightest mood for her History of Dance class.
She’d been grumpy. Her roommate was passively pissing her off, one of her best friends was breaking her own heart, and her crush was acting strangely. Not to mention her own convoluted feelings that she’d been trying to avoid lately.
Momo was a wreck. She had wolfed down an entire plate of chocolate.
She couldn’t bail on class, however, seeing as she’d always had a hard time with the subject and her grades had been dangerously low throughout the semester. Fortunately for her, there was something about this snooze-fest of a course that made her whole day worthwhile.
When she spotted her target, Momo smiled, and approached her from behind.
“Guess who,” she whispered in Mina’s ear, covering her eyes with one hand. Mina jumped, startled, but soon relaxed, pressing her back against her best friend’s front.
“Momoring.” Mina had this way of calling her name that made Momo smile; perhaps it was the childhood memories attached.
“You’re no fun,” Momo teased, letting her go.
Mina turned to her with the brightest smile. “You’re too obvious.”
“Am I?” That’s when Momo noticed her expression. “You’re looking happy.”
“…I am,” Mina said, biting her lip and looking down. “Actually, I need to talk to you. Sana, too.”
The sudden shift in the mood was heavy, and Momo felt like something was either terribly wrong, or terribly right. She had a hunch, but the prospect of her being right made her stomach turn.
“What is it?”
Mina shook her head. “Later.”
At that point, the teacher walked in, yelling for everyone to sit down. Momo huffed, annoyed, but followed Mina to their seats.
The way they positioned themselves was the same ever since they could remember – Mina sat in front, and Momo sat behind her. Momo joked that she liked this arrangement, because this way she could always have her back; Mina would only roll her eyes, but smiled nonetheless.
It was cheesy, but when it came to the girl in front of her, Momo couldn’t help herself.
Mina loved the feeling of being protected. She grew up with a loving, wealthy family, but she’d always been introverted by nature. Speaking up was hard, so she hardly ever initiated a conversation with strangers; everyone else was always too loud. It was rare for her to feel welcomed anywhere.
Fortunately, as fate would have it, Momo and Sana walked into her life when she was very young. The two girls were also noisy like the other kids, but when they noticed Mina playing all alone, they decided that they would never allow her to feel left out again.
The two had kept their promise – they made Mina feel so safe. And, even though both had their own way of accomplishing that, Momo had always stood out.
They knew that Sana was more perceptive than she let on, but she also needed guidance for the most part. Momo, on the other hand, was always there, paying attention, making sure that Sana wouldn’t get lost on their way to the new school when they moved to the city, or holding Mina’s arm when it snowed so she wouldn’t trip. All these little gestures made Momo incredibly endearing in Mina’s eyes. She was glad to have someone like her by her side for so long.
When Mina first confessed that she was crushing on Jeongyeon, Momo made sure to be there for her every time she felt heartbroken. She would crash at Mina’s house suddenly with funny movies and candy in hands; she would ask her out on ‘friend dates’ when Jeongyeon and Nayeon were too busy to hang out with them; she danced with her at prom to distract her from the sadness of a hopeless crush. Momo had always been there, one way or another.
The thought made Momo’s heart skip a beat, apprehension taking its place inside her.
She leaned across her desk, reaching for Mina’s shoulders in front of her, and wrapping her arms around her loosely as the teacher spoke. Mina turned her head slightly, questioning, but Momo just traced her fingers on the girl’s collarbones softly. “Nothing. I just missed you, is all.”
She felt Mina’s fingers lacing with hers. “I missed you too.”
“Are you okay?”
“I am.”
Momo took a deep breath. “…Can’t you tell me your thing now?”
“Not now,” Mina rubbed Momo’s knuckles with her thumb. “Things are okay, though. Promise.”
Suddenly Mina’s cellphone vibrated, and she let go of Momo’s hands to check. The brunette couldn’t see who was texting her, but by the way Mina’s lips curled in an affectionate smile, she could guess.
Momo removed her hands and buried her head on her arms, closing her eyes.
She wanted to be wrong about this.
Class went by as smoothly as possible with Momo stealing glances at Mina’s constant lack of attention – it was like her phone was her lifeline, and whoever was talking to her had the answers to the mysteries of the universe. Mina wouldn’t drop the thing for one second, and the teacher actually scolded her for it at some point.
When the bell finally rang, the two got up. Mina put her phone in her bag, finally, and Momo eyed her. “Let’s go?”
“Yes.”
They left the building side by side, the sun hot in their heads. Momo wanted to hold her hand a little, but she didn’t. “Are we getting Sana?”
“She’s at the dorm already.”
“Oh, good.”
Silence followed, then Momo spoke again. “So… how’s your secret project going?”
“Oh, it’s— it’s almost finished.” There was stutter in her voice, and that didn’t go by unnoticed. “You’ll see it soon.”
“Right,” Momo blinked, a bit nervously. She put her hands on her pockets. “It’s hot today.”
“Very.”
The moment she had to start small talk to keep chatting with her best friend, Momo sighed. Something told her that what Mina was going to tell them was going to be life-changing.
Arriving at her room, Mina knocked on the door slightly, then opened it. Sana was sitting on their desk reading, and lifted her head at the sound. When she spotted her two best friends, she smiled, jumping out of the chair, and throwing her arms around Momo’s shoulders. “You didn’t drop out of college!”
Momo held her in place, laughing. “Excuse me?”
“I haven’t seen you in what, a week?” The girl placed a loud, sloppy kiss on Momo’s cheek, prompting her to drop Sana and wipe her face with the back of her hand.
“Ew, Sana!”
“Just one more!”
The two struggled for a while, with Sana tiptoeing to try and kiss every reachable part of Momo’s face, and Mina laughed. For a second, everything reminded her of their childhood days, with no problems and no complex feelings involved. She wished things weren’t so complicated.
Sana detached herself from Momo after several failed attempts, and the three girls finally sat on Mina’s bed, facing each other. Momo took off her shoes so she could be more comfortable, and prepared herself for whatever was coming. “Alright, we’re all here. What is it?”
Mina looked at the two girls for a moment, thinking long and hard about her words. She had no idea what Sana’s reaction was going to be, but she was sure that Momo would be shocked – especially after everything they had witnessed. However, Mina hoped that after mulling it over, Momo would understand, and be happy for her.
“…Okay,” Mina would go straight to the point, then. “Yesterday, something happened. Between… Jeongyeon and I.”
The two girls were quiet, processing that simple sentence. Mina saw Momo slowly clenching the sheet underneath them, then asking. “Something?”
“Yeah. We…” She would start slowly. “We kissed.”
“What??” Sana was fast, eyes wide and mouth hanging open. “You… you finally… how?!”
Momo was unusually quiet, and that scared Mina the most. But she did her best to answer Sana first. “My secret project… I was actually spending time with her, helping her with a short movie. Jeongyeon asked me to be her actress.”
“Nayeon is an actress.” Momo spit. That hurt Mina absurdly.
One fact about Hirai Momo: she didn’t have the best handle on her inhibitions when her temper was triggered—it was painfully apparent when something angered her. Words left her mouth without a second thought, and her honest feelings radiated through her every pore. She was unable to put up a front, and that could make her incredibly intimidating at times. Mina and Sana were used to it – and yet, at this moment, Mina felt like she had been struck right in the chest.
“Well, she asked me, instead,” Mina replied, trying to keep calm. She sort of expected a startled reaction.
“Interesting.”
“Momo?” Sana frowned at her.
“Go on.” Momo leaned back, crossing her arms.
“…Well, anyway,” Mina breathed out. “We’ve been spending time together, and I was tired of not doing anything, so… I finally did something.” She looked at Momo. “You always told me I should tell her soon, right?”
Momo threw her head back with a scoff. “You can’t be serious.”
“I am serious.” Mina was starting to feel defensive. “Why are you acting like this?”
“Why am I—” Momo couldn’t believe her ears. “No, you know what, go on. You two kissed, and then what?”
Sana kept moving her gaze from Mina to Momo, a bit anxious about all this.
“Well, she kissed me back. And then we…”
“You what?”
That was the hardest part, and Momo’s behavior wasn’t helping.
On second thought, however, maybe she was helping, because her childish actions compelled Mina to just throw it out there. “Then we slept together.”
The silence was jarring. Mina felt a blush crawling up her neck, but didn’t avert her eyes from Momo’s stare. A thousand emotions seemed to cross her face at that moment; shock, confusion, anger.
Pain.
“You did wha—”
“Hold the fuck on,” Sana interrupted, concerned about other things – and when she became curious, nothing in the world could stop her from getting her answer. “Where?! It wasn’t here,” She pointed at Momo. “It wasn’t in her room, either… Myoui Mina, where did you lose your virginity??”
It would’ve been funny if both girls weren’t towering over her threateningly. “Um… at the recording studio…”
“Holy shit.”
“Fuck that, you lost your virginity to Jeongyeon?!” Momo leaned forward, almost grabbing Mina’s shoulders. “How— That’s—”
“That’s what?” Mina challenged.
“I’m gonna kill her.”
“What, why?” This ticked Mina off. “It was great, for your information.”
Momo winced. The mood was hostile, but Sana couldn’t keep a snort in. She needed to know so many things at the same time, that her mouth wasn’t keeping up with her brain. “The studio— So you did it standing up? Or was it on a chair, or… no, wait, did she go down on you or was it just fingers?”
“Sana!” Momo and Mina interrupted their little war to scold their other friend.
“Excuse me, Mina just had her first time, I need details.”
“No, you don’t.” Mina’s face was beet red. “That’s not even the point!”
“I told you everything when I lost mine!”
“Because you wanted to, literally no one asked.” Momo groaned, rolling her eyes.
“Oh, don’t tell me you don’t want to know.”
“I really don’t.” There was truth in her words, and hurt in it as well. So Momo was right about her hunch, and it stung like a bitch. She had no idea how she would be able to face Jeongyeon from now on knowing that she did… things with her best friend.
Right after kissing her ex-girlfriend, too. The anger inside her was growing rapidly, beginning to burst at the seams.
“Anyway, that was the thing I needed to tell you.” Mina tried to finish this awkward conversation, but she knew that this topic wasn’t going to go away for a long time. Or at least until she answered all of Sana’s inquiries.
“…Fine. So, what are you now? You and Jeongyeon.” Momo asked, forcing the question out of her throat. She didn’t want to hear anything else about this, but she couldn’t leave the room without knowing all the details. This was her best friend, and even though she was mad, making sure Mina wasn’t hurt came first.
“I don’t… I don’t know.” Mina answered, looking down.
“Oh, you don’t know?” Momo became hostile again.
“Why are you yelling at me? I thought you’d be—”
“What? Happy for you? Mina, she lied.”
“We all lied, Momo.”
“Oh, and that somehow makes it better?!” Momo was fuming.
“Momo, please, just calm down for a second.” Sana intervened, having snapped out of her giddy state.
She hated to see the two of them fighting, but she understood the reason. Mina had told her that Jeongyeon and Nayeon had kissed at the party, so it really didn’t make sense for that to have happened. She also knew how overprotective Momo was, so the explosive reaction wasn’t a surprise either. Now, adding Momo’s feelings for Nayeon in the mix, things got a lot more complicated. Sana didn’t want to take sides.
“No, don’t tell me to calm down!” Momo got up from the bed, and paced around the room. She looked back at Mina. “Have you considered Nayeon’s feelings about this? At all?”
“Nayeon’s feelings? Momo, they broke up years ago!”
“They kissed last week.”
“If it had meant anything, Jeongyeon wouldn’t have lied!”
“If Nayeon meant anything to either of you, you wouldn’t be lying to her either!”
That implication was heavy, and Mina stopped, feeling extremely hurt. Sana got up as well, placing one hand on Momo’s shoulder to ease her, and another on Mina’s arm. “Guys, please. Yelling won’t solve anything.”
Mina was also angry, but unlike Momo, she would never direct it at her. It felt like Momo had something against her happiness suddenly, and Mina didn’t understand why she couldn’t accept that maybe Jeongyeon had moved on. She’s wanted this for so long, and Momo had always been supportive of her, so why was she attacking her like this now?
“I thought you, out of everyone, would be happy for me,” Mina said in a low voice, breaking the silence.
“Don’t do this,” Momo said, her emotional exhaustion finally catching up with her.
“You’ve always told me to keep trying, to confess to her soon, to… to stop running away from this. I finally did, and now you’re angry? I don’t understand.”
“I do want you to be happy, but not if…!” Momo stopped, catching her tongue before she said something that she wouldn’t be able to take back. Unfortunately for her, Mina knew her too well.
“…Not if it gets in the way of Nayeon’s happiness. Is that it?”
The pain in her tone was clear, and to think that Momo had caused this – it was killing her. Yes, she did want Mina to be happy with the girl she loved, but that was before Nayeon exposed her still-lingering feelings for her ex-girlfriend. Things were too fresh, everything was surrounded by lies; Jeongyeon might’ve moved on, but Nayeon clearly hasn’t.
Picturing Nayeon’s reaction to the news created a crevice inside Momo’s heart.
Hearing Mina’s broken-hearted pleas punctured her soul.
Momo wanted to protect both of them, equally.
She was going crazy.
“I can’t be here right now,” Momo said, finally, grabbing her shoes.
“Momo, wait.” Sana was still nervous; she flickered her eyes towards Mina. “Let’s talk about this.”
“Just let her go,” Mina mumbled, hugging her legs against her chest and looking to the opposite direction.
Momo pretended not to hear. Once she finally put on her shoes, she grabbed her bag and stormed off the room, slamming the door on her way out.
Mina’s eyes started stinging with unshed tears, and she rubbed them strongly. To think that her best friend, the person who grew up with her, and who knew every single thing about her life, cared more about Nayeon than her – that was worse than being rejected by Jeongyeon. Mina felt utterly betrayed.
Momo needed to cool down. She walked fast, making her way to the main building again.
Dancing always helped her let off steam.
  --
  “Ouch, ouch, ouch, careful, please…!” Chaeyoung whined, the coldness of the ice pack surrounding her broken knuckles and hurting like hell.
“If you would just stay still,” Tzuyu uttered, holding her friend’s hand carefully. She’d been helping with Chaeyoung’s healing process as soon as the girl walked into their dorm yesterday and confessed to her roommates what she’d done. Dahyun got worried at first, but it didn’t take long for her to make a joke out of the situation – Chaeyoung appreciated it. Tzuyu, however, was taking this a lot more seriously than people realized.
“Sorry,” Chaeyoung replied, relaxing now that the pack was in effect. “It’s hard to get used to this.”
“You should be more careful, then.”
“Yeah… I will.”
They kept in silence and Chaeyoung sighed internally. Tzuyu had been acting a bit cold towards her, and she didn’t know why; it was like they were treading on thin ice around each other, and it made Chaeyoung’s chest feel tight. It was triggering her anxiety.
She needed to ask her what was going on.
“Tzuyu, is there—”
The TV suddenly made an unbearably loud noise and all the three girls in the room jumped out of their beds. Dahyun immediately turned down the volume, a hand on her chest. “Who left the volume up?”
“Oh, that was me. Sorry.” Tzuyu raised one hand, embarrassed. “I was watching a live stream on ocean creatures. Aquatic organisms are pretty quiet.”
“…Tzuyu, these live streams have no sound.” Dahyun said, an eyebrow raised.
“Yes, I figured that out after pressing my ear to the TV for about five minutes.”
Chaeyoung crouched to grab the ice pack that had fallen on the floor, but took her sweet time getting up. She buried her face on her good hand, trying her hardest not to laugh, shoulders shaking with the effort. Tzuyu was so absurdly cute – Chaeyoung’s heart couldn’t handle it. It was like tiny fireworks exploded inside of her.
“Chaengie?” Tzuyu finally realized that her tiny friend was still on the floor.
“Yes, I’m okay.” Chaeyoung replied, getting up in a flash. She breathed in, sat back down, and placed the pack back on her hand.
The three girls rested their backs against the headboard as Dahyun skipped through the channels, and eventually decided to pull out the Netflix. Chaeyoung looked at her hand and tried to move her fingers slightly. She didn’t get so far, a harsh sting pulsating through her skin every time she moved the broken knuckles, so she sighed.
She side-eyed Tzuyu, then moved her gaze down to the girl’s hand. She wanted to hold it, like she usually did when they watched movies, but she couldn’t right now because Tzuyu was on her right side. That was the worst part of her injury so far.
“That’s a lot of romantic comedies on your queue,” Tzuyu said suddenly, looking at Dahyun.
“Huh?” The girl couldn’t keep a straight face for the life of her, and blushed nervously. “Oh, yes. I’ve been into them lately. You know. Just… silly stuff. To laugh about.”
Chaeyoung caught on the stuttering tone immediately and exchanged a look with Tzuyu. “Oh, really?”
“Yes.”
“So sci-fi and trashy horror movies don’t work anymore? You know, to make you laugh.” Chaeyoung smirked.
“I never said that.”
“Look, she even has dramas lined up!” Tzuyu joined in the teasing.
“You’re right, she does.”
“When was the last time Dahyun watched a cheesy drama?”
“Hmm… let me think. Was it back in middle school, when she thought she was crushing on that boy who gave her a carrot from his lunch box?”
“I think it was.”
“Listen,” Dahyun interrupted. “I’m just in a mood, okay?”
“Oh, we know,” Chaeyoung poked her tongue out through her smile. “A mood, alright.”
“Ugh, you’re unbelievable,” Dahyun was about to go back to the task at hand when her cellphone vibrated. She took it out of her pocket and read it, a huge smile plastered on her face. “And now you’re unbelievably alone.” Dahyun got up, putting on her shoes.
“Oh, go ahead, ditch us for your girlfriend,” Chaeyoung was still in a joking mood, but when she realized what that implied, she stopped completely – she absolutely forgot about Sana’s feelings for her stupid roommate. What if Dahyun was seeing someone else? That would definitely crush Sana’s spirit even more.
“She’s not my—” Dahyun threw her hands in the air. “I mean, it’s not what you’re thinking.”
Chaeyoung sat back up. “Wait, you’re actually seeing someone?”
“I’m just gonna go see Sana, alright?”
“Oh.” That was new. “Wait. As in… just hang out, or…”
Dahyun groaned loudly, letting go of her ties. “Chaeng. Just… let me figure this out on my own, okay?”
That sentence was weird, and it could mean a thousand different things. Chaeyoung was still overbearingly protective of Sana, so she just wanted to make sure that Dahyun’s dense ass wouldn’t end up hurting the girl. “Just tell me if—”
Tzuyu placed a hand on Chaeyoung’s shoulder. “Have fun, Dahyun.”
The artist turned to her, but had to give up when Tzuyu’s stare told her ‘stop it’. Dahyun nodded and finally finished tying her shoes, getting up.
“See you.” She left the room with happy little jumps.
Once the door closed, Tzuyu grabbed the remote, flipping through the list of movies. Chaeyoung stared at her, waiting.
“I wish you would stop doing this.” Tzuyu finally said, without sparing her a glance.
“Doing what?”
“Getting into everyone’s business.”
“What? I don’t—”
“And leaving me out of everything.”
Chaeyoung froze, the weight of the girl next to her suddenly heavy. She blinked, trying to process that, but just got ultimately confused. “Tzuyu, what are you talking about?”
“Why are you so worked up over Dahyun’s love life?”
“I just… I was just curious.” Chaeyoung didn’t know why she was keeping this a secret. Maybe it was to keep Sana’s feelings safe; leaking it out to everyone might make the rumors spread faster, and her condition might get worse.
“What made you so angry you had to punch a wall?”
“That’s…” While she did tell them the truth about her hand, she omitted the reason – again, another way to protect Sana.
Tzuyu dropped the remote and finally faced Chaeyoung with a frustrated stare. “You’re lying to me. Why are you keeping things a secret? You know something, and you’re not telling me, Son Chaeyoung.” It was rare for Tzuyu to call her by her full name, so that indicated how serious she was.
“I’m not lying, I’m just…”
“You don’t trust me anymore?”
That hurt more than Chaeyoung anticipated, and she was sure Tzuyu was about to cry. In a desperate gesture, the tiny girl grabbed Tzuyu’s hand with her left, shaking her head hastily. “No, no, that’s not it! Of course I trust you, God—” She choked up. “Tzuyu, you’re the person I trust the most in the world.”
They looked into each other’s eyes, both trying to find what had been lost along the way. Chaeyoung and Tzuyu were best friends; they’ve always been, and they always would be. Nothing else mattered as long as they were together, and they didn’t keep secrets from each other. That was their motto, that was their whole life.
Tzuyu turned her palm upwards, lacing their fingers together, and that was all it took for Chaeyoung to remember that.
The girl in front of her wasn’t some stranger that would ruin Sana’s reputation – she was Chou Tzuyu. This was Chaeyoung’s best friend.
This was the girl Chaeyoung loved.
She felt incredibly stupid.
“…I’m an idiot.” Chaeyoung breathed out. “You’re right. You’re always right. I’m sorry.”
Tzuyu tugged at the girl, making her fall on her lap. That was a familiar and comfortable spot, and Chaeyoung allowed herself to relax despite her racing heart. She just stared at her friend from below, and sighed when Tzuyu started running her fingers through her hair, massaging her scalp slightly. “You’re not an idiot.”
Chaeyoung closed her eyes, and just listened.
“You’re stubborn, yes. And I know you just want to protect everyone.” Her voice was calm and delicate, much like herself. “But you can’t carry everyone’s burdens on your shoulders.” She paused with a soft giggle. “They’re not even broad enough for that.”
Chaeyoung allowed herself a chuckle at that. “Hey…”
Tzuyu smiled, bringing one finger to the girl’s forehead, tracing all the way down her nose and cheeks. “So I wish you would let me help you, too. No more secrets, at least from me. Please, Chaengie.” Her voice broke. “…I don’t want to lose you.”
Chaeyoung’s eyes flew open and Tzuyu let a tiny tear fall. She sat up, cupping Tzuyu’s cheek and rubbing her thumb there gently to wipe the wetness. “Okay. No more secrets, I promise.” She smiled weakly. “Just… don’t cry. You know I can’t handle it when you cry.”
The tall girl sniffed, nodding. She placed a hand on top of Chaeyoung’s. “I hate crying, anyway. My face gets all ugly and gross.”
“You could never be ugly, nor gross.”
Tzuyu rolled her eyes and smiled, with a faint blush. “Please.”
“I mean it,” Chaeyoung wouldn’t stand for this. “You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.”
The sentence wasn’t met with an amused comeback, and Chaeyoung noticed that she’d been more serious than she realized. She cleared her throat, finally letting go of the girl’s cheek. “Anyway. T-the things I need to tell you.”
“R-right.” Tzuyu blinked, snapping out of it. The compliment had made something gnaw at her stomach, but she ignored it.
Chaeyoung told her everything; about Sana’s feelings for Dahyun, Momo’s weird behavior at the cafeteria, Sana’s anxiety attacks, and the reason she smashed her hand into a wall. Tzuyu gritted her teeth when she heard about the rumors, disbelief washing over her face.
“That is so awful. Sana never did anything wrong.”
“I know,” Chaeyoung hated remembering those girls faces, but she saw them every time she closed her eyes. “I couldn’t hold myself back.”
Tzuyu looked back at Chaeyoung’s hand, and took it on a gentle hold. “I wish you wouldn’t hurt yourself like this.”
“…That’s something else I need to tell you.” Now that she got to her secrets, Chaeyoung was hesitating.
“What?”
She took a deep breath. “I talked to the nurse. She told me… to go see the psychologist about these angry outbursts. She was afraid I might direct it at a person, at some point.” Chaeyoung swallowed hard. “I’m… scared, Tzuyu. I don't wanna hurt people.”
Tzuyu watched her with affection, without a single drop of judgement. “Well, I’m not scared of you. Because I know you.” She touched their knees together. “And, to be honest, I noticed that your outbursts were getting more… worrying? I just couldn’t find a good time to talk to you about it. I’m sorry, I should have.”
“Oh… wait, you knew?” Chaeyoung thought that this was her most well-hidden secret.
“Chaengie, I’m your best friend. Of course I knew.”
She suddenly felt like Tzuyu knew a lot more about her than she let on, and her heart started beating a little faster. What else was she aware of? Chaeyoung promised no more secrets, but that didn’t mean that she would just unlock her perfectly hidden vault of anxiety-induced fears.
She could never tell Tzuyu about her feelings for her.
That was the one thing she would never reveal.
“I have things to tell you, too,” Tzuyu interrupted her flow of thoughts, turning serious again. “I talked to Jihyo. And there’s… a very complicated thing happening.”
“Complicated?” Chaeyoung calmed down, thankful for the distraction.
“Yes. I’m going to tell you, because we promised no more secrets between us. But this can’t get out, not yet.”
Chaeyoung frowned, confused. Tzuyu just approached her, and whispered in her ear.
As soon as she was done, Chaeyoung leaned back. Then, slowly, she mouthed, “Oh, no.”
  --
  Nayeon froze in the middle of her routine as soon as she saw Momo walking in. She slouched her shoulders and turned to the girl, who was also rooted into place. And, because of her lack of sleep, the words came out harsher than she intended. “What are you doing here?”
“Dancing?” Momo frowned. “Why, did you make a reservation for this room?”
It really was a dumb question and Nayeon just shook her head. “No. I’m sorry, I didn’t… mean to shun you.”
“I can go to another one, if you want.”
“No,” She didn’t have the energy to think, so her emotions spoke for her. “You can stay.”
“Are you sure?” Momo didn’t know if that was a good idea, but all her doubts vanished when Nayeon motioned her to come in and close the door.
“I want you to stay.”
It was hard to refuse.
Momo looked around to make sure no one else would bother them, and closed the door. She walked up to Nayeon, and started stretching, looking at her reflection in the mirror. Nayeon stared at her friend’s gorgeous body for a second before rubbing her tired eyes and going back to her rehearsal.
It didn’t take long for Momo to notice that Nayeon was slipping, making mistakes on her steps that didn’t make sense, and just plain irritated with how everything was coming out. She grunted and muttered under her breath out loud, and at some point, she nearly kicked the mirror from being too close. Momo touched her forearm.
“You’re not focused.”
“I’m the embodiment of focus, Hirai Momo.”
For some reason this made an amused smile grace Momo’s lips. “Yes, you are, but right now you’re just stumbling around like an amateur.”
Nayeon turned to her with a livid expression, but just let her mouth hang open without a sound. Momo laughed a little, pushing her chin back, closing it. “Boop.”
“Don’t boop me.” Nayeon stepped back, huffing. “I need to get this soon. What am I doing wrong, then? Teach me.”
“I don’t know your dance routine.” Momo replied with a neutral expression.
“I’ll teach you, then you can teach me back.”
“That… sounds incredibly hard.”
“Well, then what am I supposed to do?!” Nayeon yelled and Momo jumped, startled. Nayeon felt guilt wash over her. “I’m… I’m sorry.”
Momo didn’t say anything; that’s when she really took a good look at her friend’s face and noticed the terrible condition she was in – the dark circles under her eyes, the thin lines on her cheeks, her pale, almost sickly skin, her pupils dilated. Looking down at her hands, she noticed the faint shaking as well.
Momo approached her and took her hand, talking in a gentle tone. “Have you been sleeping?”
“I don’t have time to sleep,” Nayeon replied with a shudder; she was going to try to pull away, but she didn’t want to.
She wanted to rest, and she wanted to rest against Momo, and she didn’t want to think about Jeongyeon and the marks on her shoulder, and the way she looked at her when she’d been caught, because she wasn’t even hers to begin with, not anymore, they broke up, and the regret was too much to bear, and Momo was right there, and she just—
Momo let her go suddenly and pulled up her phone, plugging it on the speakers. Nayeon just followed her with her gaze, unmoving. As soon as Momo found the song she wanted, she pressed play, and returned to Nayeon’s side.
The soothing, romantic voice echoed through the room, accompanied by a violin and a gentle tambourine in the back. Momo was close. They exchanged looks, then Momo let her fingertips slide softly up Nayeon’s arms, until her elbow. She urged the girl to wrap her arms around her shoulders, then touched her waist.
“Dance with me,” Momo breathed against Nayeon’s lips.
Nayeon swallowed, and let herself be taken – for one moment, she stopped fighting.
They started with slow steps, swaying side to side to the tender beat. It was their thing, dancing – they danced when they were happy, they danced when they were worried, and they danced when they were tired and wanted to forget their problems. It’s always been like this, and Nayeon had a feeling that she was in love with this habit.
Her cheeks reddened with each movement of their bodies, so she looked down, away from Momo’s loving gaze. With a big sigh, she closed her eyes and felt the environment around her; her fingers grazed Momo’s hair a little, and she smelled her perfume. It was familiar and nice, like everything Momo did.
Her heartbeat finally slowed down after a long day of caffeine-induced palpitations, and her muscles relaxed under Momo’s touch. Nayeon let her head fall on the crook of the girl’s neck at some point, unable to resist.
Momo exhaled against her hair, pulling her closer, until their chests touched. Having Nayeon on her arms like this made her feel a little less angry at the world, and she let her hands roam the girl’s back, tracing circles there. She felt Nayeon’s eyelashes fluttering against her neck and smiled on her hair. Their dance had turned into a simple, but profound hug.
Momo didn’t want to tell her about Mina and Jeongyeon. She didn’t want to think about it, because it just made her heart ache and her head dizzy with conflicting thoughts that she wouldn’t be able to resolve.
Nayeon deserved the whole world, and Momo wanted to give her that – but she couldn’t. Jeongyeon was the only one who would ever make Nayeon happy, and Momo had somewhat accepted that after that party. For a brief moment, she’d let herself believe that Nayeon had moved on, but that was okay. As long as Nayeon was happy, Momo was happy too.
So why couldn’t she do the same for Mina? She felt the same for her best friend – everything she wanted was her happiness.
“…Not if it gets in the way of Nayeon’s happiness. Is that it?”
Momo sighed at the words. That was true – partially. But something else ached in her chest.
The taste of Mina’s tongue was still fresh in her mouth. Everything was so confusing.
“I don’t know what’s going on,” Momo confessed on a breathy whisper. She expected a question to follow, but Nayeon’s weight suddenly got a lot heavier, and Momo had to hold her up. “Nabongs?”
The girl just snored slightly against her shoulder. Momo blinked, trying to wrap her head around the fact that Nayeon had literally slept on her as they danced. With a grin, she dragged her, so they could sit against the studio’s wall.
Momo adjusted Nayeon’s position until she was finally comfortably leaning on her shoulder. Nayeon unconsciously moved her arm, settling it across Momo’s waist, and pulling her close like a giant teddy bear; Momo chuckled, tangling her fingers on her hair slowly.
She looked down at the girl who was now drooling on her shirt, and let out a breathy laugh. Nayeon was probably exhausted, but she was still stubborn to the end; she kept refusing help, but Momo knew she needed it. Right then and there, Momo promised to stay by her side, no matter what.
Her feelings were all over the place, and new emotions might’ve been growing inside her heart, but there was one thing Momo was absolutely certain about.
Carefully, she traced one finger into Nayeon’s back, writing a silent confession.
‘I love you.’
Then she pressed a kiss to the crown of her head.
  --
   “One, two, three. One, two, three. One, two, three,” Sana counted as she held Dahyun by her arms, guiding her steps to match the numbers. The younger girl wasn’t as good or coordinated, but she did her best, and Sana appreciated her for it. “That’s good! You’re doing well.”
“Am I? I feel like this is supposed to be easy, but I’m struggling.” The feeling of Sana’s hold on her was soothing despite her insecurities.
“It’s supposed to help with your blood circulation,” Sana explained, letting her go. “There’s no right or wrong way to do it. Now lie down with your legs turned to me.”
Dahyun obeyed, and Sana mirrored her position. The younger girl stretched her neck to see Sana’s feet touching hers.
“Now I’m going to push my feet against yours, and you have to push back, okay? When we find a balance, we’re gonna lift our legs up slowly, then bring them back down.” Sana instructed, and Dahyun gave her a thumbs-up.
They took their time finding a good position for their legs, but eventually managed; with Sana’s expert counting, they kept exercising. The activities were relaxing and simple, and felt more like a stretching routine than anything else. Sana was good at guiding people and teaching them what to do and how to move, and she’d called Dahyun to spend some time with her as she practiced this new routine.
She needed to take her mind off her two best friends fighting, and the whole drama they put themselves into. Sana didn’t know if she should mention anything to the rest of the group, but she decided that this problem was Mina’s to solve. Right now, she wanted to spend time with the person she adored.
“One last time…” Sana spoke from the other side. “And, done.”
She got up after that, wiping her shorts and shirt. When she turned around, Dahyun was still on the floor, breathing a bit heavily. Sana smiled, walking towards her. “You alive?”
“Why does this hurt?” Dahyun struggled, her legs heavy all of a sudden.
“Wow, you’re in a pretty bad shape, huh?” Sana laughed, offering her hands. “Grab on.”
Dahyun missed the first time, but eventually grabbed her hands. Sana pulled her up with a startling strength, and Dahyun stumbled on her way to the surface, falling on top of the girl. Fortunately, Sana hugged her in place, her strong legs rooted to the ground. “Wow!”
“Sorry!” Dahyun blushed, the full contact making her head spin. When she was about to step back, she felt Sana’s arms wrapping tightly against her.
“Stay a little bit,” Sana murmured in her ear. Dahyun slowly relaxed her shoulders, returning the soft hug. She let out a breath, then smiled, feeling warm all over.
“Are you okay?” Dahyun asked after a long silent moment.
Sana nodded. “Hmhmm.”
“That’s good,” her shampoo smelled amazing, and Dahyun could feel her heart beating against their pressed chests. “So, this is what you’re majoring in?”
“It is.”
“Dance therapy, huh…” She couldn’t help but to think how fitting it was for this girl to want to help people through her passion. “How exactly does it work?”
“Well… I want to assist people through dance, be it emotionally, or physically. I think it’s such a wonderful activity,” Sana finally unwrapped herself from Dahyun and moved to sit on the studio’s floor. She patted the spot next to her, and the younger girl plopped down immediately. “For example, if someone got into an accident, and damaged their muscles, physiotherapy might work for a while, but wouldn’t it be too boring eventually?”
“I guess so.”
“I want to show people how fun dancing can be, and how they can get better by doing silly stuff to the rhythm of a song,” Sana smiled softly as she spoke, looking up to the ceiling. “It helps the body and mind.”
Dahyun eyed her, then sighed with a grin. “That’s so you.”
“Hmm? What?”
“You’re struggling with issues yourself, and yet you want to dedicate your life to helping others. I don’t know… it’s just something you’d do.” She closed her eyes, bumping her head lightly on the wall behind her. “You make me proud, Sana-ya.”
Sana’s eyes lingered on Dahyun’s beautiful profile for a moment, speechless. Without a second thought, she turned her torso, and gently placed a kiss to her chubby cheek. Dahyun’s eyes shot open and she faced her, surprised, one hand touching the attacked spot. “What was that for?”
“Just reminding you how much I like you.” The answer was simple, and yet, it made Dahyun melt completely.
With a surge of bravery, Dahyun leaned forward too, awkwardly pressing her mouth against Sana’s upper lip. She pulled back and hid her hot face in hands. “I’m bad at this.”
Sana chuckled, but her chest exploded with affection. She leaned her head on the younger girl’s shoulder, nuzzling her neck. “We can be bad at this together.”
They chatted a lot, and cuddled even more, and when the afternoon turned into evening, both girls left the dance studio with arms locked. Sana still felt nervous about walking through the main hallway, but with Dahyun by her side making silly jokes and rubbing her knuckles, things were much more bearable.
In the distance, a group of five girls stopped their conversation to stare at the couple. They were rigid, and almost doll-like as they held their unblinking gaze. One of them, a blonde that looked like she could be pushing thirty, smirked as she locked eyes with her target. Dahyun frowned at her.
The blonde lifted one hand and made a crude gesture, flapping her tongue in between her two fingers. Then she mouthed ‘slut.’
Dahyun widened her eyes and turned back to Sana; fortunately, she hadn’t seen it. With a heavy feeling in her heart, Dahyun walked faster, urging Sana to do the same.
When she checked one last time to see if the group of girls were there, they had vanished.
It felt like a target had been placed on her back.
  --
  Mina waited by the fountain, observing the birds and students in their natural habitat. The afternoon grew burdensome, like the feelings in her chest; she hated fighting with Momo, of all people. That girl was her pillar, and it felt like things were falling apart lately. However, new, exciting things were happening; Mina didn’t want to bring herself down when one of her dreams had come true just last night.
Too absorbed in her own thoughts, Mina didn’t even realize when the person she’d been waiting for finally arrived. So, Jeongyeon tapped her shoulder lightly, making her finally lift her gaze.
“Hey, you.” she said with a smile.
Mina’s heart immediately jumped out of her chest, and it felt like a thousand butterflies went loose on her stomach. She mirrored her expression, biting her lip to stop her smile from growing too much – an impossible task, as it turns out. “Hey yourself.”
Jeongyeon sat next to her, arms behind her back. “I found something on the way that I think would suit you.”
“Oh?”
Jeongyeon lifted her arm then, revealing a tiny flower. “May I?”
Mina was sure that this girl didn’t exist. She couldn’t possibly be real.
She just nodded, shyly, and Jeongyeon placed the flower behind her ear with delicate fingers. She smiled then, admiring her work. “I was right. It suits you.”
Mina looked back up with red cheeks and touched the tiny blossom perched in her hair. “You’re so charming.”
Jeongyeon shrugged, sliding a bit closer. “You make it easy.”
They just stared at each other, their new feelings overwhelming their senses. Mina wanted to pull her close, kiss her deeply, hold her for the rest of her life – was that what being in love felt like? It was such a new, amazing feeling; the rawness of it all made her dizzy.
“I thought you’d be rushing to edit your movie,” Mina finally said, breaking the spell.
“I will. I just wanted to see you first,” Jeongyeon replied, scratching her neck. “Before, you know… spending the whole afternoon watching your face on a screen.”
Mina giggled at that. “You’ll get tired of my face.”
“There’s no way I could,” Jeongyeon’s words were filled with sincerity, and her eyes were positively shining – maybe it was the sun, but Mina liked to believe that they had a light of their own.
Suddenly Momo’s words rang on her mind, and Mina hesitated before asking. “Jeong… what are we now?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, what is… this?” She pointed at herself, then at girl in front of her. “I told you how I feel about you, we kissed, and then we… went beyond that.” Mina hid her face in embarrassment. “A lot beyond that.”
Jeongyeon’s laughter was nervous as well. “I mean, technically you only told me what you felt after we—”
“T-the point being,” Mina interrupted. “I was just wondering. If we’re… dating now, or…”
The words were heavy, perhaps with a weight that Jeongyeon didn’t know how to carry anymore after spending so much time in love with a girl whom she thought she would marry. It scared her to no end, because Mina deserved an answer and something concrete in her life, but Jeongyeon was incredibly afraid of ending up in the same situation as before.
Remembering the kiss from a week ago didn’t help calm the turbulent waters inside her heart. Jeongyeon was still lying about something important, and she didn’t want to start a relationship with such a secret weighting down on them. She needed time to tell Nayeon about Mina, and to tell Mina about Nayeon.
Jeongyeon took a deep breath and held Mina’s hands. “I’ll probably sound very selfish right now. I hope you can forgive me.” Mina nodded, urging her to continue. “But… can you give me time? At least until I’m done with this assignment. There are… some things I need to tell you, Mina. And I want to do this right.” She sighed. “You’re too important to me for me to mess this up.”
It wasn’t quite the answer Mina was expecting, but she reckoned it would be better for both of them. She also needed some time to confront Momo again and make her see her side of this story. Having Momo’s approval was everything to her at the moment.
Mina also knew what things Jeongyeon was referring to – the kiss at the party. She couldn’t give away that she knew about this, or else she was sure Jeongyeon would feel betrayed, and more complications would result from this.
So, Jeongyeon and Momo. Mina paused, feeling like she was forgetting something.
“Have you considered Nayeon’s feelings about this? At all?”
Nayeon.
Even after Momo’s outburst in her face, it was only at that moment that it finally hit her.
How would Nayeon feel about all this?
Mina felt terribly self-centered all of a sudden.
“Minari?” Jeongyeon’s voice brought her back to reality, and she shook her head.
“Alright,” She answered. “We don’t have to rush this. I understand.”
Relief washed over Jeongyeon’s face and she felt so happy that she simply leaned forward and kissed the corner of her mouth. “Thank you.”
The gesture sent Mina’s heart flying. With Jeongyeon still close, Mina tugged slightly, shyly chasing after her. Jeongyeon blinked for a second, confused, then realized what she wanted – she had no idea why she was so bad at reading Mina.
Their mouths touched again tentatively, and Mina sighed against those lips, heart soaring and cheeks red. Jeongyeon brought one hand to the back of her neck, parting Mina’s lips with a swipe of her tongue. They kissed slowly, much differently from what they’d done yesterday, enjoying the feeling of having each other close like this. Jeongyeon pulled back for a second, only to deepen the kiss a bit more. Mina let out a tiny groan from the back of her throat, making all the hairs on Jeongyeon’s neck stand up. There was something addictive about kissing Myoui Mina.
Unfortunately, they had to part after a few moments. ‘The way Mina looks after kissing should be immortalized on the silver screen’, was a thought that occurred Jeongyeon for a brief second.
“I need to go,” Jeongyeon chuckled sadly.
“R-right!” Mina felt a bit self-conscious – they were pretty exposed outside. “I’m sorry. Go on, you have an entire movie to edit.”
“Yeah,” Jeongyeon didn’t move for a second, then saw Mina’s little flower crooked on her hair. She adjusted it with a dumb grin, then cupped the girl’s cheek. “I kinda don’t want to leave.”
Mina was sure she was going to die from the amount of affection she felt. “You have to.” She shot her a gummy smile. “I promise I’m not going anywhere.”
Jeongyeon sighed, helplessly. “Okay, then.”
With one last peck to Mina’s lips, she got up, moving away with a wave. Mina laughed, covering her mouth, then licking her lips as she watched the girl’s figure get more and more distant. She felt so giddy that she fell backwards, legs up kicking slightly.
A sudden buzz on her phone made her sit back up. She grabbed it and opened the message in their group chat.
 [GodJihyo, 4:49pm]:
Attention, we’re all gathering this Saturday. Tzuyu’s family will be traveling, so get ready for a house party
IMPORTANT: No one else can come but us
Also you have no choice in the matter
See you there!
 Mina didn’t know what to type back, fingers frozen on the screen; it was impossible to defy Jihyo when she became this excited about an event. She sighed, afraid of what was going to happen if everyone gathered for the day.
A sudden wind blew, making Mina’s tiny flower fly away.
It felt like a warning.
23 notes · View notes