#i feel so selfish that i cant even pretend to be happy for her

[corvidae-00]

Tsudere /sub touch starved Jax in heat that pretends to hate the reader but does things to secretly be with them x a fem happy but smart Uzadere that loves being in the circus.She loves adventures,animals,cute things,fighting,food ect! lots of energy too but can be pretty insensitive and a little selfish with a little crush on jax. I feel like at first jax would completely reject liking her then he would be extra mean,then Maybe subconsciously know he likes her amd hates the feeling lol. cus he copes by trying to not have feelings and tries to act "tough". its pretty obvious that the reader is in love with him but his dumb ass cant catch on . She gives lots of compliments which makes him flustered and mad ( he is mad bc he thinks nobody likes him that much, he is mean to her to make her go away but it doesn't work ) but he pretends not to care. the reader would definitely confesses first tho. Sorry for such a long request its just that not many people write jax in this sorta way so i had to be detailed lol. also if you don't wanna use female pronouns you can make it non gender ofc 😅tysm for even reading such a long thing! and you don't have to do this at all lr you can switch it up. Anything is VERY appreciated tho😊 also i feel like max would be a massive virgin due to how annoying he is...he definitely a horny bitchless rabbit-

AHHHH! MY FIRST ASK ;0; Thank you!!! And i personally LOvE Jax- like its an issue 0-0 but im so happy to write for him first! your request is amazing and i truly love it! i hope i did it justice!!! i hope you dont mind HCs! if you did want a story just hit me back up in the answer box and ill write a lil something for ya! ;)

MDNI BELOW THE CUT+ Warnings: Smutty smut themes, bottom Jax <3- Cussing, swearing, the norm

The Reader definitely brought light to the Circus, when she first appeared she was the TALK OF THE TENT, everyone was happy to finally have someone around to liven up the place- > besides jax- the little shit made it his sole duty to make sure Reader was the punchline of his jokes or somehow always "in his way" and the Reader often got the butt of the assult. > Jax being Jax when the feelings for reader started to arise- he got scared- a little worried- upset even. More at himself than you but still pretty pissy- this just made the tourment wose oh lord- > Reader found this fun, more ways to annoy and poke and proad at Jax, finding his constant target on the Reader absolutely hilarious > Reader always calling the oblivious rabbit pet names!!! *Toots, Fluff butt, Shnookums (Only because it pissed Jax off and everyone would laugh), babes, Etc Etc, > Jax STILL oblivious to the reader ;0; taking it as her teasing him and pushing him and oh no we cant have that!!!! Jax haaates it. Secretly likes it HATES IT- >Despite the tension between the two Jax would often threaten Caine or sneak the other circus members things of value to be around reader. not knowing why- HE IS MADLY IN LOOOVE he wanted to be around Reader!! SMUT >Jax in heat is something i dont think even he saw coming- like they are digital code- BUT DAMN- > Stuck in his room alone humping a pillow and pulling his ears over his face embarrassed beyond belief at his own actions > Reader was coming to annoy Jax concerned why she didnt see him at breakfast (His favorite meal of the day may i add- >Knocking on his door reader had a shit eating grin "Sleeping in pookie?" She calls through the door only a groan and a loud huff was the response she got >Thats rude. Reader thinks and just assuming he is having one of his man period days- Reader enters his room- and boy is the sight she sees amazing- Jax face down and ass up with a pillow under his hips, face flushed a deep purple and his overalls down to his waist- > Reader and Jax are just staring at eachother with wide eyes >"G-GET OUT!!" "Nah i dont think i will" >Lets just say reader helps the little bunny get the relief he was so looking for- >They dont argue as much anymore-

----------------------------------------------------- THANK YOU FOR READING!!! I hope you enjoyed your request and it was too your liking! im still getting back into writing so its a slow process!! let me know what you think!!! thank you so much!!! <3333

#x reader #jax x reader #tadc #tadc jax #the amazing digital circus #jax

[pooplyface1423]

Tsudere /sub Jax that pretends to hate the reader but does things to secretly be with them x a fem happy but smart Uzadere that loves being in the circus.She loves adventures,animals,cute things,fighting,food ect! lots of energy too but can be pretty insensitive and a little selfish with a little crush on jax. I feel like at first jax would completely reject liking her then he would be extra mean,then Maybe subconsciously know he likes her amd hates the feeling lol. cus he copes by trying to not have feelings and tries to act "tough". its pretty obvious that the reader is in love with him but his dumb ass cant catch on . She gives lots of compliments which makes him flustered and mad ( he is mad bc he thinks nobody likes him that much, he is mean to her to make her go away but it doesn't work ) but he pretends not to care. the reader would definitely confesses first tho. Sorry for such a long request its just that not many people write jax in this sorta way so i had to be detailed lol. also if you don't wanna use female pronouns you can make it non gender ofc 😅tysm for even reading such a long thing! and you don't have to do this at all lr you can switch it up. Anything is VERY appreciated tho😊

DUDE this question was long but its a very good one so lemme write it.:]

Warning: Kissing (just like one but still) CRINGEEE and that it.

also Y/N is female just so ya'll know but not a lot is said about her gender here so could be non binary.

Lil backstory : When You first got here it was around 7 months before pomni gets into the circus. your reactions to seeing all the supposed people was terrifying u were laughing your brains of since u thought it was all just a big prank but once u realized it was real u were just stunned. I mean u were still amazed like wow i'm in a virtual reality type of reaction. And about what u look like idk that up to yourself but lets say Ur like a type of animal could be a cat or something else. U were always ecstatic to be in the circus and everybody even Caine were surprised. Like it not everyday in this virtual reality u see a person who is more than happy to be there. (also i'm not really gonna add Kaufmo since their is little to no info bout him)

Okay now to the good stuff

So really your weren't stupid to not notice how Jax would occasionally "look ur way to see something else" nor to notice how differently he treated u compared to the others. Either he would go out of his way to be nice or mean to you.

You were chatting bout random nonsense with zooble when she said

"Hey Y/n do you see how much of a dumb### Jax's looks like just looking at you"Looking at you then at Jax then at you.

"no lemme check"You turned around to see jax looking away from you to above you? yea he was doing the "look ur way to see something else" crap again.

"ugh it starting to annoy me" Says Zooble wanting to stand up and start to beat the crap out of Jax but thankfully u stopped her then said

"hey its okay he may be weird and all but we got to be used to this anyway where stuck here"

"but he does like you Y/n we can all see it in his eyes" Says Ragatha entering the conversation

"yea ragatha is right how bout we make a plan to you know um- make him confess he like you" says zooble looking at you waiting for an answer.

Then u spoke up

"Sure i guess but knowing him he would never confess"

"Ugh lets head to my room to discuss the plan" says ragatha getting up

You three walk all he way to the room corridors and enter Ragatha's Room and discus how you would get Jax to confess his feelings to you.

"Okay so how should we do this" says Ragatha with some confusion in her face

"Well we know that Jax is a very Um- how should I say this es stupid and lets just say hes like a little puppy who follows you around" Says zooble before you with shook face say

"WAIT what is that supposed to mean I never see him trailing behind me"

"He does he always trails behind you buts ur either dumb or blind since u never see him literary behind u. ALL THE TIME" Says Zooble

"Well um- we should get started with the plan and stop taking bout how Jax is a little twerp" Says Ragatha with a bit of an annoyed face splatted in her face

"Okay okay well first of all since we know Jax is like a little dog with nothing else to do than follow Y/n we should..........."Says Zooble spilling out what the plan would be about.

Well basically the plan is make Jax follow u around Y/n complements Jax every time he does something for her even the smallest of things like letting u have the first of anything picking up flowers for u,him pranking u and much more.

Everything was going according to the plan Jax being Jax follows you around and sneaks up on you with a centepied (which ur scared of) and lands it right besides u trying to get a scared yelp from u but instead u just threw it away and said

"Jax u little bad bunny don't do that again" while pinching his cheek just slightly

"~wait you aren't mad?" Says Jax while becoming a blushing mess

"no of course not bunny boy come on lets go outside"

you two go outside and jax keeps trying to make your way there horrible by trying to trip ur feet over and over again but failing miserably.

Once you both are by the lake you start to look around and see Zooble and Ragatha watching impatiently.

"So what are we doing here again?" says Jax

"nothing much just .. Taking in some fresh air i guess"

"Y/n there is no fresh air here u know that right?" says Jax with a serious face

"Oh um i meant like ..... space apart of everyone"

"ok i guess then what should we do?" says Jax with a sly smile appearing in his face

"how about we go on the tea cups?"

"whatever you want toots" says Jax

Both spend 2 hours trying all the rides over and over, Jax never saying crap

As the day ends in the digital realm first comes the digital dinner the classic chicken and veggies.

After that, Caine suggested that you all play a quick game, and with no other option, everybody agrees.

HIDE & SEEK

"yay i guess" says zooble clearly annoyed they have to do this activity even tho it is fun she wants her alone

After the game which took around 30 min like damn these dudes have great hiding spots ,Caine gave everybody the green light to finally have there alone time/sleep

"UGH finally" Zooble before walking up to you

"Hey Y/n did Jax say anything to you?" Says Zooble quickly before she forgets about it

"No ... what should we do?"

"Hey idk bout you but i would of totally just make the first move at this point"Says Ragatha walking up to you both of you

"Well she has a point" "bout what?" "bout how you should def make the first move now since his dumb##s won't do S#it"

"okay I'll try but do i have to do it in front of u all or do i wait for everybody to leave?"

"Um okay new plan......." Says zooble making the new plan

Basically make gangle distract Jax long enough for everybody to leave to there rooms then gangle runs away, Then y/n will sneak up on Jax and spill the beans herself.

Everything went accordingly as planed gangle ran away just as she noticed everybody gone. Then Jax shrugs it of and slowly walks up to his room until...

"Hey Jax" "what do you want?" "not much just wanna talk to you...bout something"

"bout what dollfac-"

He says before being interrupted by a kiss

"does that answer ur question?"

"UM what was that?"... bb-but i guess it does"

"that's great! its official were dating"

"Wait WHAT!?" says Jax surprised as hell

"Goodnight Jax!" Says y/n as she gives one last kiss on his cheek

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Hello finally finished hope u enjoyed.:]

@fuckyalllkl

#my post #tadc jax #jax x reader #the amazing digital circus jax #x reader

[boypussydilf]

FaC Miniseries really be out here saying, "Simon, you might be a suicidal man who would give his own life and brain for a pair of strangers that resemble a part of the traumatic past that ruined your life, but consider: you were selfish in your past relationship because you didn't consider your girlfriend enough and now that she sacrificed herself to become God for you you aren't allowed to die because that would make her sacrifice be in vain. You have to continue living in a world that you no longer relate to with people who will continue to deadname you and bring up your traumatic past for funzies and you aren't even allowed to reconciliate with your daughter or other closest friends because they have a happy life without you bumming them out with your depression and we wouldn't want you to burden them with your feelings of uselessness and crippling lack of self worth now would we? Now go hang out with a literal child you 59+ year old man, you have therapy in an hour."

hey i wanna point out that cripple is like. a slur a lot of ppl still use it in this kind of context w/o thinking but u can just say like, debilitating instead theres not any reason to use it

ik its just like habit tho bc its still kinda common so to respond to the ask ,

KSBDJWBDJWBJDBWJDNWJDBWJDBWJDBWJDBWJDBWJSHHSB

They just could NOT be assed to resolve or address any of his emotional issues huh!!!!!!!! Yeah Simon, we know you think you suck, and you are suicidally depressed, and you are traumatized from both living through the apocalypse and spending a thousand years trapped under a curse, and the world changed without you so you now feel fundamentally out of place, can’t relate to people around you, and none of your skills are applicable anymore, and you are being crushed under the guilt of the love of your life making an unfathomably giant sacrifice to save you, and you wanted to see her again and apologize for not being able to bring her back so so badly that you were willing to kidnap a guy and keep him in a cage in your house for it, and you feel absolutely no sense of purpose in your life and have nothing to do anymore, but like, we have a really really great idea for how we’re gonna deal with that: we WON’T! We just Won’t Address It. You get to mention how you were willing to basically die because you felt like your life was worthless ONE time, and it will be after you regain the will to LIVE because you… got… told that you fucked everything up with your fiancé because you were apparently super selfish on accident? Now you’re just gonna go back home and be happy now. No yeah nothing changed in either your life or your mental state but we have to pretend it did because the story is over now. Your happy ending montage will casually feature you happily drinking at the bar. Don’t think about episode 4. Oh huh what’s that? What about your daughter figure who you felt you weren’t important to and would just be burdening and worrying with your difficult emotions, which seemed to be leading to you choosing to have a genuine and honest talk with her in the end? No she doesn’t even get mentioned, let alone show up on screen. Also Betty may or may not be dead. Yeah now that she cured your depression by telling you you fucked up she’s moving on with her life or something by which we may or may not mean reincarnating. Yeah we might have fridged her. Happy ending for everyone!

the therapy scene hits a special nerve like good for him but oh my god. i cant actually think of any other examples, but i feel like ive seen too many things decide that the way to portray healing as a difficult nonlinear thing is to. directly state “This is going to be complicated and hard!” and then not actually show it being complicated or hard now that they’ve acknowledged it. like dude all we actually see in that ending is just him being happy. you really made it seem like he is just Fine now. guys. guys what happened to his everything

#fionna and cake spoilers #basilask

[iwasbored777]

so ur trolls posts got me to watch trolls world tour again. i remembered liking it but i couldnt remember why, but now i know for sure

I FCUKING LOVE TROLLS WORLD TOUR!!!!!!!!!!!!

ALL THE INCREDIBLE WRITERS WERE SECRETLY ON TROLLS 2 !!!!!!’n

I CANT TBINK OF A SINGLE FLAW IN TROLLS WOULD TOUR!!!!!!!

i was NOT expecting a brilliantly written masterpiece about colonialism, but thats what i got, and its going in the greatest of all time hall of fame in my brain forever.

im not gonna sit here and regale you on the message of the movie. they only said fax, no printer, and its an important message to send kids. alot of the messages kids get about races and borders is “we are all the same 😚” but they came in with the “we are NOT the same and that is both good and bad, both exciting and dangerous so you need to be aware of dangerous ideas of “harmony”” and thats so real. kids need to understand differences are OK.

i love how they backed off the “chosen one” vibe poppy had in the first movie and talked about her flaws as a leader. while her stubborness was a good thing in the first movie to contrast branches pessimistic nature, it wouldnt have worked here, and i can see a cheap writer (like m*chael w*ldron) either insisting she gets away with her selfishness and carrying on with the happy ending anyway, or pretending that wasnt a character trait at all (because w*ldron doesnt watch the first movie and writes a sequel anyway)

my favorite scene is the bubble scene and the woods right after they leave funk where branch confronts poppy. do i even need to tell you why?

i just want to mention it because im pretty sure branch sings a cover of “girl crush” by little big town, which is a country band, and branch said he likes country music earlier and that slays. but when poppy comes in, what they sing is definitley not girl crush, and i cant tell if its giving “trolls can mix music” or im completley wrong and its a different song alltogether. but i cant tell if that song is homophobic or is super gay, so if im wrong thats prob for the best.

the only flaw i can think of is the country music, as a midwestern i can confidently say that was an affront to real blue grass country music. i guess born to die “works” but it didnt represent country as well as the other genres did. theres alot of controversy in the country music fandom with alot of singers who sound exactly the same and produced like its a factory line. but even if people still think miranda lambert and carrie underwood arent true country singers, their songs wouldve worked better than born to die. also the country trolls shouldve been on a self sufficient farm instead of the wild west. that wild western jazzy piano and country music isnt the same.

the only bad part about the movie is that it ended and barb ATE. SHE LEFT NO CRUMBS WITH THAT INTRO. send ask.

Lol I love your review. I love Trolls World Tour a lot too and all their other movies. Great stuff.

And yeah I love Poppy and how she can accomplish A LOT but she doesn't make it on her own, she needs character development and help from others just like everyone else. Characters are surprisingly realistic.

Barb really was goat, the best antagonist in the franchise. I love parallels between her and Poppy, how both had different intentions (Poppy wanted to help and Barb wanted to conquer) but Poppy's method was also wrong and both Poppy and Barb and everyone had to make compromises for all tribes to live in harmony because no one has to change their lifestyle for that to happen, all they have to do is accept that they're different and that's perfect. Just be yourself and let others be themselves.

That song in the end (Just Sing) slaps hard (and so does Can't Stop The Feeling btw).

P.S. Tiny Diamond fucking slays 🔥🔥🔥

#luv them #trolls movie #trolls world tour #trolls band together #trolls holiday in harmony #trolls holiday #ask and answer

[ever-fics]

Miguel O’Hara X Reader PT2

Sfw fluff/Angst

2099 Miguel is done for when Miguel ,regular Miguel, Y/N’s Miguel dies…. He tries to avoid it but he cant

Why? Simply because he knew whet it was to loose Y/N and he wasn’t about to let Y/N go through that same grief loosing him.

And he especially wasn’t going to let his daughter have to mourn her father … not when in his timeline he is alone hurt and resentful…. He knows he would be happy here and so would his family. Especially if they never knew what they’d lost.

As soon as Miguel steps into what he knew to be his … his other-selves… home and he sees his Y/N for the first time… Really sees them after all this time. He starts crying when he realizes … this, this is actually real. Everything he ever wanted … needed. Every feeling he had learned to bury for duty and to be spiderman to be alone…. He didn’t need to burry it anymore so it was all just back … his heart came back with y/n of course it did… loosing y/n washow he…lost it in the first place.

So when Y/N Asks Miguel if he’s okay… not knowing their Miguel had passed… Miguel isn’t sure what to say but answers honestly.

“Im Fine. It’s just seeing you in front of me… after so long without you. I never thought Id get to see you again… not even once. This means everything to me.” Miguel chokes out to a confused Y/N.

“Miguel what do you mean I just saw you this morning are you sure your okay.” Y/N is worried

“Im okay we are both here together now.” Miguel replies

“As long as you are alright.” Y/N replies caressing his cheek.

“This might seem silly but I missed talking to you so much… To be able to talk to you… I took it for granted.”Miguel smiles with all the decades of love stored … repressed that Miguel hadn’t been able to give Y/N.

Seeing Gabriella up close … that … that is the second he honestly believed he found heaven.

“Gabriella O’Hara.” Y/N calls in a sing songy way.

“WHAT?” Gabriella replies

“Ven Aqui Bebé.” *Y/N calls.

Miguel just gives Gabriella the biggest hug… shocked for a moment that she is real… For a moment he chuckles because he notices she had picked up on some of the faces Y/N makes out of habbit…

At first he is so afraid to touch Y/N or Gabriella afraid of breaking them like glass

Miguel smiles as he sees his spouse step out of the bathroom … in…. the version of them that got to grow up still liked soccer …

“Miguel … You got it into Gabriella’s head she can best our record….” *Y/N shakes their head and smirks.* “Ive got to go help her practice…. You can come too… but I know your probably scared deep down O’hara.” *Y/N teases.*

Again Miguel got everything he wanted …. Until he lost it all again lost Y/N again…. But more than that his selfishness cost…. Cost their Gabriella…

However Miguel wasn’t going to let loosing Y/N be something that didn’t get justice not this time…And Miguel’s Gabriella wouldn’t be lost without reason. So Miguel … well Miguel wasn’t doing well not without Y/N …. He needed the more outgoing parts of their personality to contrast his so he works on Lyla an AI that … he gives all the best personality traits of Y/N because he cant do this alone…

Miguel finds an odd peace in the purpose the defense of the multiverse … the protection and the memory of his family…

This peace goes out the window when Jess finds you and quickly befriends you brining you to the spider-society … To Well At first Jess asks Lyla to tell Miguel that Jess brought a new recruit …. Lyla who knows Y/N’s face all too well pretends to glitch to malfunction … Jess had never seen her do that. So then how would Miguel react

#fanfic #fanfiction #miguel spiderverse #miguel o'hara #miguel x reader #miguel o'hara headcanons #miguel ohara imagine #spiderman2099 headcanons #spiderman2099 x reader #spiderman2099 imagines #Miguel imagines #miguel ohara imagines #miguel ohara senarios #miguel o'hara x reader #miguel ohara fic #miguel ohara fanfiction

[lorisystem]

I feel so so miserable and dysphoric in this society ngl. I feel like i need- not even want but need to be in a place thats accepting of me and that makes me feel loved and welcome or at least. Tolerated or something and that i cant get that. I know its my problem bc so many people somehow live being themselves and taking criticism etc. But i just cant deal with unsolicited comments or aggression etc i just cant. Bear to think that people in society might perceive me to be weird. I feel like people cant be normal around the weird and weak, they just turn hostile and try to subjugate us or at best they become patronizing.

I feel like i dont belong to any community at all not even people like me theres always this or that trait that keeps me from belonging fully and no matter what i always feel like im an impostor pretending to be normal.

I know this is my own issue and im too sensitive to what i think people think of me and how they react to me etc and i shouldnt care but i cant help caring it was literally taught to me the hard way. Everytime people have wanted me so much to care about what they think always its so hard to unlearn.

Im at this point in this reaction of flight cycle where instead of trying to figure out how i could possibly find an accepting community im trying to figure out how to not be dependent on society anymore. My fantasies are turning to like going to live somewhere alone and subsisting by my own mean even if it means sacrificing things like comfort or some dignity i would aggressively protect being alone so nobody can come near me and perceive me or anything.

Obviously thats not realistic etc so. But im still thinking i cant help trying to figure how i could do that.

I just feel like i cant compromise- i cant be happy in this situation at all.

So im thinking the other way out is to die- which obviously is a thing i cant do bc some people depend on me and like. Its so so sad to die even though theres still technically hope of getting better. And its not fair. But im getting these urges and its like not even on a conscious level bc ive been suppressing suicidal urges but i have these parasite thoughts idk to do it in a way that makes it everyones problem bc i resent this society (and no individual in particular) so much and i want everyone to know that they failed and they were trash and they hurt me etc. But i cant pinpoint any specific people that i really resent. When it comes down to people who actually hurt me i think they just wouldnt understand (or sometimes care). No matter what i cant make anyone understand me or what i go through and the pain isnt going away.

And i know this is not a good way to feel or to think bc its very selfish and its nobodys fault in particular. And i have this toxic trait of when i feel bad i think its fair that everybody else feels bad too- which is bad and also i hate having this trait cause this is just what my dad does!! So im repressing thoughts like these and i dont talk about this to people around me bc the last thing i want is to actually harm someone especially if i care about them.

But yea i feel like i dont connect to anyone really. I connect to my spouse but i think its only bc we spent so much time together we attuned to each other but still. He is a person n i guess i need unconditional acceptance and love of my whole being- literally everything i do or say and i know its dumb and i shouldnt want it etc

Rationalizing doesnt make it go away though.

This spiraling was literally caused by a call from my landlord's girlfriend bc shes asking me to fill somth that doesnt matter and i shouldnt have to fill it and she was so rude bc i didnt receive her stupid email. As if its my fault?! N like. This is way more interaction ive had with this landlord than i care to have for my entire life. With these neighbors. I hate it here i hate it here!!!!!!! Theres always drama in this building!!!! I want to be left out of it!!!!!!

I feel like my life is just a nightmare that im trapped in. I have to pretend to be a human person all the time and i have to rely on my imaginary world and comfort interests to escape it all the time but when i think about it this is the only thing that makes me feel safe and accepted.

Idk why im struggling so much just feeling human and living with other people. I dont think anything ive been through is enough to justify this level of dysphoria and distress. I didnt ask for this. I just want to be left alone and live my life but that is too much to ask.

Sorry for the rant. Ill be ok though!!!!!!! Idk if anyone else feels like this but when it comes to DID i feel like for me its all about feeling unimaginable amounts of pain and still being able to function and be ok bc everything is kept compartmentalized. So in the end ill be ok n functional but ill hate it the entire time.

Anyway bye.

- ???

#lorisys #tw in readmore. #im too....................... etc to tag for anything im just feel not good. sarrey

[whackedoutcookie]

I cant do this shit anymore. I have nothing, i am nothing and i will never be something. Ive been a firm believer in "everyone has a purpose" I've had 7 near-death experiences and the way i look at it is i didnt die because my purpose hadn't been met yet. My purpose in life wasnt to have this huge impact or to achieve something. It wasnt to give everything i can to a significant other or vice-versa. Im convinced my purpose was to be a stepping stone to get somebody else to their purpose. Whether its them "taken me out" or the impact of my death on said person. Or maybe it was to father a child. I guess ill find out if that was my purpose if i do succeed this time around. My only regrets in my life is 1) that couldn't save my best friend and 2) that i didnt kms sooner. My daughter is going to be 3 if i could've have just done it a year earlier maybe it wouldn't hurt her so bad. Im really tired. Ive done so many awfully selfish things in my life and me killing myself would certainly be a top that list but i just dont care anymore.

I. Cant. Do. This. Im posting this here i guess just to see if i feel better but idk what i was expecting. My heart hurts, my daughter barely knows me now, my mom only wants money from me, my daughter mom gets off on hurting me mentally, im absolutely convinced the woman i love is just pretending to gaf or is using me for something which if im being honestly is the worst thing ive been going through over the last few months. I was lonely af before her but i was good and relatively happy. I honestly didnt even think about it but then she came into my life and now it just hurts. I didnt want any of this, i just want to get high. Thats it. I dont want to feel theses emotions anymore. If somehow somebody in my life does see this perhaps on my phone or something dont grieve. Dont feel sorrow or remorse. This is worthy of celebration because i am finally free.

[twntyfiveotwo]

everyone told me it was just a phase when i told them i missed you

but it's been a year. it's been a whole fking year. i tried so hard to persuade myself that it was only a process of grief - granted, because i know i can't keep you around as a friend when my feelings to you are more than friends. is it really? do grief processes take so long to get over? cause im tired. im tired of missing you, im tired of wanting you back, im tired of wanting to be her. heck, tbh i dont even want to be her lmao. if it wasnt for the fact that she's the one by your side, she's not one of those girls i inspire to be like. honestly, this is not coming from a place of hate because i find her really gorgeous physically, and i am sure she is happy/proud of the person she is. we're just different, and we have different tastes in the things we enjoy or like. that's it. at this point i dont even relate to the song "heather" anymore. i dont want to be fking heather. all i want is to be loved by you. but that is just a want, and santa claus dont exist in real life, am i right.

it's going to be 2024 in a few days. and im done. i dont wanna miss you anymore. im going to push myself into acceptance that this friendship is over whether either of us wants it or not. "i wish nothing changes between us". ha, how selfish of you to ask that from me knowing FULL WELL i've always loved you. or maybe you didnt know because i was jumping in and out of relationships non stop. trying to fill a void inside. but you knew at one point that i did love you, and maybe you didn't love me. or maybe you did but you never had the courage back then. but does the truth matter? no. because whatever the truth was back then, that truth stays there. and the present truth is that we are both in our own long term relationships, we have found our own persons. i wont even doubt, i really think she deserves you much more than me. pft, i dont mean it in the altruistic way because i'm no longer the same person as i was in the past who is always trying to be morally "right". idw to pretend and shower her w praises because i've finally learnt to be honest w myself. i dont give no fks about her. no disrespect but idk her. all i care about is you. and the only reason why i no longer talk to you is because i respect YOUR rs, and i dont want to cause you unnecessary stress.

at the same time, it also took me years to realise i've always loved you. i constantly tried to ignore the tingling feeling in my stomach everytime we met up as friends even when i was attached in the past. i still remember, i got together w my first boyfriend on my bus trip home after you rejected my confession. and then since then, i was just constantly jumping in and out of relationships/situationships. and always talking to you when i get my heart broken, drinking my butt off. where did you even get the patience to deal w my bullshit all the fking time. i got to say hats off to you. ha... but it doesnt matter anymore.

you know what made me realised that i miss you and not the memories we shared? because i actually dont have any vivid memories of us in my head anymore. it's all blurred. i remember crashing your house, i remember us watching a horror movie in the theatres together, i remember you calling me out for being plain stupid. but they're just sweeping memories, i can't remember any specific actions or a specific memory of us. what i do remember, is how safe i feel with you. how gentle you always were with me. how the people around me pointed out that it was the first time they saw me looking happy after my depression. i meant it when i said you felt like home to me. because i cant forget this feeling, and i cant seem to find this feeling w anyone else. but HA darling boy, you're someone else's home now. and i wish you happiness. but i also want you out of my mind. im sick of you creeping into my head when i have nothing to keep me busy. and i mean even on days when im busy and there are pockets of free time you would pop up too. it's draining, it's exhausting, knowing full well you appearing in my mind or my dreams doesn't mean that i get to see you irl. i had this insane thought whereby i would camp at your house void deck to see a hint of you before 2023 ends. but i think i would save myself from the embarrassment of acting like a stalking creepo. i want to let you go, i want to let you out. not for you, but for myself. because this is plain torture. because you living in my head rent free throughout 2023 has been causing me constant pain. im always upset. and ive been hurting innocent people over it. it's not fair for me, it's not fair for them. i want to breathe, i want to sleep at night in peace. i dont want to pray in desperation before my sleep wishing that you would appear in my dream, when there is a lucky girl out there who is sleeping with you right next to her. pls just go, pls be gone. let 2023 mark the end of our long, bittersweet friendship.

thank you for teaching me to never be self-deprecating to myself.

thank you for making me feel loved even if you never really did love me.

thank you for always being there.

"hey now" always sounded so gentle when it came from you, i will be forgetting those words and how they felt for me.

i will stop looking for shadows of you in every song i listen, every game i play or every place i visit.

we had 6 years of memories.... it wont be easy but i will try to not think about you.

you were my finest scenary, my home. but it's time i move on and live a life of my own without your shadow.

i loved you, always did, but i hope not anymore.

i will try to stop loving you from now. may you always stay loved by someone else.

and i know you would continue to stay the happiest, even without me around. because you've got her now.

farewell, always.

[awayintheend]

dont want this to sound like im ungrateful or i dont love them or anything but

goddamnit my bfs parents piss me off so goddamn much all the time. they feel like the most inconsiderate, selfish people. they cause so much unnecessary drama and frustration in the family. i hate how we have no choice but to live with them, we’re not financially independent enough to be on our own, and with both of our dissabilities its difficult to be completely alone. right now im pissed off with them because; there is not enough space in our shared room to keep all my clothes and such in, so ive been having to use their spare guest room to keep my clothes, belongings, etc in. i’ve even had my tablet set up in there and i go in there to draw (my tablet is huge and not portable, it needs to be set up at a desk) basically, its become my room, i spent a lot of time in there drawing and doing whatever else. its not like no one uses that room. well, for whatever reason, my bfs parents have basically been having a relative of theirs (a woman and her little kid) staying over at our house, 24/7, for...seriously no particular reason. they just WANT her here. they say shes going to stay here “until they say so” and yeah, they’ve been staying in the guest room. so first off; its not a huge room in the first place, so to make both a woman and her kid stay in there is pretty tight. all the womans been doing is cleaning around the house, something literally anyone else can do (like ME) and i dont even think they’re paying her. it feels like theyre just taking advantage of her. and yeah, they got a lot of their suitcases and shit all over the room now, including in front of the closet where my clothes and stuff are. so how am i supposed to change/put things away? hell if i know. everythings been staking up in our cramped room lately. also her kid sleeps literally all day, so for the whole day hes just sleeping in the room. ALSO also, our cats had a nice litter box/food setup in that room, and now its been completely fucked with and its been stressing our cats out too. i havent been able to draw, use my tablet, do ANYTHING productive at the house.  when all these things are brought up to his parents, they just refuse to listen. they literally just do whatever they want and its seriously pissing me the FUCK off. im not even pretending to be happy anymore because of how unneccessarily frustrated they are making me. yes, im forever thankful for all my bf and his family have done for me and i cant stress that enough. it may not sound like i am here, but its pretty understandable to not ALWAYS be happy with shit your family does right? im just very miserable right now and dont feel like they’re respecting me at all. 

#will probably delete this later

[viewtifulsilverjo]

Back Here Again

It seems I’m back here again writing down what’s on my mind because nobody ever reads what is here. Its one of those late nights where I really feel alone and like nobody gives a shit and me being here and now makes it probably right. I really don’t know why I bother with my existence most days but I think its because I don’t really have the effort or time to be offing myself or some corny shit. Everything that I go through seems all for naught and I feel like I’m wasting my time. Is it bad that I feel like I’m better off when I’m going through extreme turmoil than when I’m trying to regulate things? My interests are lost to me. I don’t feel like gaming, I don’t feel like working, I don’t feel like hanging out or talking to anyone. It just all feels absolutely positively pointless. And you know, the one girl who I thought I was taking interest in, that shit seems pointless now too. I feel like she’s being incredibly selfish. I know she doesn’t owe me anything, but it feels like she’s just using me for energy. It feels like she feeds off of me in a sense. Thats why my self destructive behaviors probably annoy her because she cant feed off of that. She needs me seemingly happy and enjoying her for her to feast. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. And i feel so betrayed by that. The reasons she gives for not wanting to be with me really don’t make any sense whatsoever. I know I have no choice but to respect them but it feels like she wants all the aspects of a relationship but without committment so she can be free to do whatever guilt-free. And if something were to come up she could play the “Oh but we’re not together” card. And while that may be true, why bother making it feel that way for purposes other than abuse I suppose. I always feel like people mentally abuse me and have fun while doing it. I don’t know why I bother wasting my time interacting with people when no one wants what I want. Everybody wants what they want and nothing else. I give and give and give and everybody else takes. And i have some people that i have some balance with, but all of that feels fruitless in the end. It feels like everyone is just going to disappear and that I really shouldn’t bother. I’m probably right, in the end I’ll lose it all again and I’ll just be back to wallowing in my self pity until the day that I die. I wish I was a stronger person and could off myself. I envy those who have killed themselves successfully. Kudos to you for freeing yourself. If only I could be so brave, But im not. I’m just a sorry excuse for nothing who doesn’t deserve to be here so I’m stuck. All I’m going to do is go home and lay in my bed and wake up and work and pretend like I want to be here even remotely. And people wonder why I’m self destructive but don’t want to concern themselves with what I truly want. I want everybody and everything to leave me the fuck alone so I can dissasociate. Maybe if i didn’t have to pretend like I liked anyone or anything and was truly away from it all then I could be at peace. Maybe then I’ll have the power to end my life and never return. The end is coming for me soon, I hope. Until then I’ll just lay down and cry about it and pretend like I want to be anything with anyone, only for them to waste my time and get what they want and to leave me empty, again. Oh well woe is me, let me go be a bitch and  cry about it. Fuck I hate life. SOmeone please kill me, thanks. 

[dumbbitchfrommars]

I’m annoyed so I’m going o rant and go to bed so it’s done and can be left with today. I’m annoyed and feeling unrecognised and under appreciated.

Perhaps is this why her sister has distanced herself? Is this the toxicity that I knew existed but hoped wouldn’t come to reveal itself to me?

I don’t like her family because they’re white and superficial and so so boring. I can’t even pretend to engage or be interested in things that mean nothing to me… it could be as simple as me being me and them being family. It’s completely fair and understandable and expected. Once an outsider, always an outsider.

One good thing I can say is I love Istanbul. I would happily move here one day. It is beautiful and charming and interesting and cool, and somehow I feel safe amongst its chaos. It reminds me of Sri Lanka but also of Melbourne, and Europe mixed together.

Anyway, I feel overlooked. Every time I’ve made a suggestion that was overlooked, that plan backfired. We end up following my original plan, that I get put down for. What’s the point of me saying anything in the first place if you won’t listen?

Furthermore, the best experiences had on this trip thus far have been organised by ME. I booked the flights, I booked the tour that you so happily shared with your cousin (despite implying it was boring and not your cup of tea…), I found the gorgeous beach we spent the day at. YOU made us waste money on entry to a lake we didn’t even spend any time at. YOU made us waste time and energy on a shitty Airbnb for your insisted “space for the wedding” and now o have anxiety in a dodgy room. YOU made us walk in the heat for ages only to get a taxi like I’d originally suggested… when you know I have an injured shoulder. God, you can be a selfish person sometimes. YOU walk around sticking out like a sore thumb, too polite and white and attracting scams like bugs.

I love you but I know you can be a dark sided person. You’re lazy and refuse to compromise on my needs and wants for this trip. This trip that I paid all my savings and the same amount of investment that you did, and therefore deserve the same amount of control of what we do. Eh are we wasting money on Airbnbs when I explicitly said I wanted yo MEET PEOPLE AND MAKE FRIENDS. ? How many people have I met? None. Besides your exhaustingly caucasian family. No, but I’m sure they’re actually really very nice. Nice like your sister. Or your mum.

You can’t replace a plug you took out? You can copy past a code that I now have to write out entirely from memory? You can’t take an extra second to make my life more convenient, can you? So fucking lazy. And you insist on paying for everything only to tell me the amount before conversion, giving me a million extra things to do at the end of the day. Cant you simply do it yourself? Or constantly demanding my attention WHEN IM TRYING TO DO SOMETHING ALREADY. cant you fucking wait for one second while I get my shit done. I can’t even THINK FOR A MOMENT WITHOUT YOU ASKING ME TO DO SOMETHING. figure it out on your own! Jesus fucking Christ! I need a break from her. Stop leading me on goose chases and making me look like a fucking idiot. We look like a couple of idiots when your in the lead.

I am evil for saying these things but it must be done or I won’t stop coming back to the thoughts. I am angry and upset and frustrated and sick of being ignored overlooked disrespected and dismissed. If it weren’t for me this entire trip would be in shambles. Genuine fucking shambles. I have all the ACTUAL addresses. I have all the flight times. I organised everything for you as a favour to you. And you can’t as little as make a fake id for me to use when you literally made a promise to do so?

I despise someone who doesn’t live up to their words. I’m constantly apologising and stepping on eggshells to make you happy and you can’t even find the tiniest effort to meet my expectations. The disrespect is strong. I’m very disgusted by it. I know my worth and it is not this. I won’t be letting your laziness affect this trip negatively anymore. I am taking control and I don’t care if it bothers you because you are not responsible enough to do it yourself.

I will listen to music when I want to. My music. I will read when I want to. I will appreciate men when I want to. Privately. Unjudged. I will walk as far as I like. I will prioritise my health because that matters to me. I will meet new people and travel independently because that is what I wanted in the first place. I will stay silent when I want to be silent. I won’t engage in superficiality for social niceties because that just ain’t me. I am deep and complex and interesting and I won’t water myself down for you or for anyone for that matter. Don’t think this trip is any exception. I invested in this trip for ME. so I come first. ME ME ME ME ME!!!!!!!!!!!

I don’t care if you’re bored of me!!! I will entertain myself! I don’t have to be here if you don’t want me to be! Leave me alone !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[smollilbaby]

REGRET

Regret. The most regret decision ever is to meet someone you barely know and hurt someone you loves so much. First of all, why the fuck did i even want to meet her.... I almost lost the love of my life because of someone new. I almost lost everything, my soul and my happiness. I should have listen to her. Things wouldnt have come to like this. I broke her trust, i broke her heart. Now i must bear the consequences. Im sorry mylove. Im sorry for not treating you right. Im sorry that i hurt you deeply. Im sorry for making u feel unappreciated. Im sorry that i make you feel like im using you, im truly sorry. I really didnt mean to hurt you like that. I didnt mean to hurt you at all but my action just tell you otherwise. I've regretted it so much. I cant bare losing you baby. You wanting to leave me, i could feel like my world is falling apart. I never knew it could lead to that. Maybe i was selfish. Maybe i wasnt thinking right. Maybe i was so insensitive towards what you're feeling. Im sorry. What you said to me, its true. You need happiness too. And yes, its true when you said, " should i pretend to be okay? just so that you're happy ". I know love, its sucha dick move. I was selfish. Im sorry baby, from the bottom of my heart, im sorry. I wish i could turn back the time, and just stop at hello. I regret it so much. I wish she wasnt even exist in the first place. But i cant blame her, its on me. I know its my fault baby, i know. Call me stupid, call me dumbass, i deserved all those names. I hurt you like hell, where i should not have! I love you truly baby, i love you so much! Thats gonna be one and only mistakes im gonna make baby, im not gonna do it again. Im not gonna hurt you again. Hurting you, hurts me inside. Hugs and kisses to you, mylove!

#regret #neverexist #needyou

[dabiismycrispymaplebaconbitch]

Tis the season for eatting a gluttonous amout of foods... i have so many friendsgiving to go to this week. My partner and I just went to 2 dinners yesterday. How we had even engery for quickie is beyond me...

it makes me super happy and guilty I wont be visiting my family for the holidays. But in all honesty, i never thought the holidays could be better than years pior. Last year i spent the holidays with my partner and I away from both families. 2020 I had just left my family just before the holidays and I was alone for both and I had never felt such peace and sadness. And anything before that I was just numb. And yet it was the only thing I knew, to pretend to be happy with a family who knew how to pretend so well.

Being away has opened my eyes to not only their lies but also how hurt they all are, and I wish I could be the person that saves them but I know that cant be me without being selfish and choosing myself. I am so in love with this version of myself, i am able to cry and feel mar amd anger without punishment and its been such a hard lesson to overcome. Ive become more selfish with my time and energy, and still struggle with everything and everyone goes through. I still live apycheck to paycheck and i struggle to keep myself afloat but I have never ask them for anything and to me that makes me happy. I know im rambling and no one needs to read this personal shit. But know I'm just grateful that I chose myself, with all the new problems and new experiences I am living, i will always thank my 2020 self in all her fear and tired of being disappointed by those she thought would save her, she chose to take a leap and leave everything she knew for something she is still trying to find. She has so much to live and she is so much happier that she has been in years .....

Im overcoming my own mental hurtles and opening up to love from others slowly and trust people will take care of my heart. Its such a delicate thing to do... and the idea that my partner wants me to move in with me scares and excites me. Anyways yea yea thats my thanksgiving ramblings

#personal #ramblings

[gaydemigod]

.

#one of my best friends just got some amazing news about her career #and i want to be happy for her #i really do #but like im stuck in a scam job mlm scheme bullshit that paid me $185 for a full week of work #i cant stop crying because they tried to transfer me to a different client and with them i have to work basically 60hrs a week #to get a gauranteed paycheck otherwise its only commishion and i didnt work on saturday so i dont think theres another check coming #and kinda feels like a slap in the face that shes getting an oppurtunity thats even better than she expected #and to top it all off i crashed my fucking car yesterday #and its really funny /s cause she just totalled her car last week but i wouldnt be surprised if her parents bought her a new one #just like the last time she totalled a car #and i really do mean brand new #meanwhile my car's 15 years old and now has a big crack in the front bumper and i dont know when or of ill ever be able to fix or replace it #and it came with the smell of someone elses BO #but i just feel like a terrible friend because she told me the news and i just started sobbing #i feel so selfish that i cant even pretend to be happy for her

[mywritingonlyfans]

Trying for a baby with damiano but you’re not successful and you both want it so badly and it shuts you down a bit & you’re afraid he’ll leave you cuz you cant give him a child but after breaking down over a miscarriage he reassures you that it wasnt your fault and he loves you more than anything and will stop at nothing to keep trying

hey, i wrote something similar out of this!! here's 1,5 works of sadness with a "happy" end!!

Looking for Damiano's number on the contact list has never been more difficult. Your fingers slid though parts of the screen that you didn't want to touch, making your frustration even worse. The phone line called, in a high nothing that deafened your ears. Once, twice, three times, until it goes into voice mail.

Taking that as a sign, you chose not to try again. After all, talking to Damiano about it right in that moment, considering that he was busy with touring and clearly miles away from you, would only worry him over nothing. It wasn't something he could solve.

Within a few minutes, your phone rang. As soon as his name popped up on the screen, with some heart emojis on the side, you felt terrible for doing that to him.

You hadn't only broken your dreams, but you were about to break his.

You answered, keeping yourself quiet. Waiting for his voice to emerge as a lump formed in your throat.

"Babe, you're in there? I couldn't reach the phone on time at first."

You were immobile, your lack of words showed him that. "I'm fine," giving yourself time, you started to feel everything you hadn't felt until you came home all at once, "I was at the doctor today."

"Why do you sound like it's the end of the world? You're good?" Through his breathing, it was easy to imagine that he'd stopped doing whatever he was doing to pay better attention to you on the line; not that he wasn’t before. You should have chosen to call his mum, she'd know how to look after you. "Wait, it's babies related? You're playin' with me," he concluded with a smile appearing on the sides of his lips. You could picture and hear it perfectly.

You used to pretend that something bad was coming when you had good news, something you now regret having done. You were selfish for talking to him, he was so far away; you could talk to him about it when he came home. Doing that now would only attribute to him more concerned than he was already having in his hectic daily tour life. Still, he was the only person you needed.

"Quiet the opposite."

The call was exposed to a long pause, being filled with his heavy sighs and with your stubborn tears running down your cheeks. All the way home you hadn't let a tear fall, but verbalizing it? verbalizing made things sound different; more real.

"Fuck," he mumbled, clearly a bit out of place.

"I can't have kids Dami," your words affected by the wheezing you were trying to hold. He could tell that everything was hitting you at once while talking to him. Years together were able to recognize even the small details. "The reason we're trying and it has never worked is me. That's fuckin' on me."

"No, babe," he took a deep breth. "Don't blame yourself, please. You know this isn't your fault." He ran his fingers disastrously through his hair; feeling useless over the phone. Just as you imagined before making the call. It was bad to be providing him that. "Are you alone? I can ask mom to check on you. I'll do that, 'kay?"

"Please," You didn't feel like spending the rest of the day by yourself. And although you also didn't feel like talking to anyone other than Dami, you knew his mom would understand you better, she would know how to make you feel less worse with yourself, it'd be nice to have her around. Being alone with your billiards of thoughts would not be a good option anyway. "I thought about calling her, ended up givin' up, I didn't know what to do, I still don't. Calling you still doesn't seem like a good idea, but I didn't know what to do."

Your weak voice was killing Damiano. If hearing that had made him sad, he couldn't imagine what it was being like for you. "You did great, babe. Anything you need at anytime at all, remember?" He smiled, muffled by the line; making you feel a little better. "We can still have kids, y'know that."

You wanted to tell him that what worked for other people might not work for you, that your case may not be that malleable since it was something genetic of yours. Yet, you didn't know if these things were true, all of your thoughts could just be just the result of your momentary disappointment, but it could also be the truth. You should talk to Dami about it, about everything that was going on inside your mind. You just didn't feel like doing that over the phone anymore.

"We can try," you sniffed, avoiding tears that you didn't even know were still falling. "We can try it." You repeated, trying to convince yourself.

"Talk to me, babe. Try to get a little distracted, huh? please. D'you want me to hang up? maybe you can take a long bath, with the bubbles you like or eat something different. It might help."

As wrong as that sounded, his desperation to help you was quiet adorable. Talking to him was making you feel shit with everything, his voice calmed you down, you could hear him talking for hours. Now it wasn't different.

"Just wanna hear your voice," you said, lying yourself on the cold floor of the main room. Falling asleep would be nice. Forgetting the previous hours for a few minutes seemed plausible. "You're busy?"

"Not really."

"Tell me about how tour is goin' then,"

He sounded flatter and softer, even through the phone you could picture how restless he was, it was possible to imagine him taking long steps around the room with the phone in his hands. He talked about the gig from the night before. The contrast of how he was describing his previous day to what was happening in the right moment was painful, he was happy and suddenly you were breaking that for him. Everyone knew Damiano dreamed of having children, kids running around the house, and so were you, you wanted to have children, even more with him, but being with you he would have none.

"Dam?" You asked in a heavy breath. "I love you, like a lot."

It was all unfair, you both had tried so hard. He was thinned out, just like you.

"I fuckin' love you, babe. This," you could see him in your mind, pausing and gesturing something with his hands, "this won't change anything."

-------

Your body shivered.

A cold hand was running on your waist as you opened your eyes slowly, feeling an absurd headache filling your field of vision. Your eyes found Damiano crouched on the floor in front of you and when compared to you, he looked good.

"What're you doin' here?" You frowned. Dami snickered as you stretched out. He could answer your question, but you were proud, he wouldn't think you realized he was there because he knew you needed him.

So he just ignored it, helping you up.

"C'mon get up. The floor's too cold, I'm goin' to put you in bed." He tried - unsuccessfully - to get you to stand up next to him; but you dropped your weight on his body, wrapping your arms around his neck, in a way that he found worriedly cute.

"I need you," you whispered, drunk sleepy, tucking your face into his coat. Letting his scent warm you up inside.

Hearing you say that relieved him. He didn't want to get into an argument over how it'd affect his work in a near future, just as you had fought over the same reason before. "I know babe." He kissed your hair, hugging your waist, carrying you to your room.

He placed you on the bed, lying down next to you while doing the same, turning upwards and facing the ceiling.

Both knew talk was needed but neither knew who should speak first, or what to speak.

You ran your fingers over his belly, placing your palm under his shirt, making his body warm your cold hand up. You moved closer to his body, nestling beside him while his arm wrapped around you.

"Tell me what's in your head?" He hissed, without looking directly at you.

"A lot," only the mention of it made your throat dry. "it's strange to know that your body isn't able to do what it is meant to do, especially when you want it to," your breathing has failed due to your hiccups, his grip fitting you closer to his chest to comfort you. "I'm afraid that you'll stay with me to realize a few years from now that you made the wrong choice." It hurt him. Seeing you blame yourself hurt so much.

He hugged you even tighter, asking for you to look at him. "I'm not leaving you, 'okay? I'm fuckin' in love you. That won't change and that's not your fault. We can try a IVF, like it'll work, and so we'll have a happy baby, just as it has worked with several people. We have money for that."

There were tears in his eyes, and you wished he were right. "What if it doesn't work? If my body aborts? If we try and never succeed? I don't know if I'm ready to go through--"

Before you finished, he grabbed your cheek, giving you a messy kiss. In which was far from good, it was desperate, you didn't know how to decipher whether he was trying to shut you up or demonstrate his feeling. The salty taste of tears along to the burning in your throat didn't help at all.

You put a hand on his chest, making him stop. He was distressed, he probably just wanted to stop you with the waterfall of negative thoughts but he didn't know how.

"It's not like I don't want to try, I just don't know what to do anything yet, it's killing me right now." You lamented.

He kissed your forehead, letting you break down.

"We'll find a way. It's still recent, we can think about it better or find other ways. Adopting is also a good option, but everything in the right time, of course."

You were silent for a while, imagining a parallel in which Dami was right and things were made to work out. As much as you were still not convinced of this, you agreed with him. After all, there would be no other way and you still wanted to have children.

"Adoption sounds good," you mumbled agaisnt his chest. You hadn't thought about it yet, it hadn't even crossed your mind. "No risks and don't have how to go wrong."

You were relieved that he was with you, guiding you to feel better about it.

"See?" He asked, in what looked like a weak smile. "We gonna find a way 'cause I don't think about having children with anyone else but you, so it'll have to be with you. Whether you like it or not." He joked, pulling a smile out of you while touching your nose with a wet kiss.

It was unbelievable how he managed to make even the most tough moments seem lighter.

"Good, 'cause I still want to have all of your stupid kids."

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[ifmywishescametrue]

i don't know if you're still taking prompts (so please ignore this if you aren't) but i cant stop thinking about your recent buckytony fic (and how much i love breaking up and making up as a trope) - so i was wondering if you'd be up for doing smth else w that trope for buckytony?? maybe they re-unite at a mutual friend's wedding?? and it brings up emotions about their almost wedding?? idk i just really love breaking up and making up as a trope and i really love your writing :))

thank you!! I'm very much up for doing another buckytony break up/make up, plus you deserve nice things for finishing law school - congrats on that!🎉🎉hope you like this one 😊

There's a ring on Bucky's finger.

It's the first thing Tony notices when he walks into the bar for Natasha and Sharon's joint bachelorette party. He stands there in the doorway, frozen and staring until someone clears their throat pointedly behind him, and he mumbles an apology as he moves out of the way.

He thinks about turning around and not coming back, just ditching the event entirely and maybe even the wedding tomorrow, but he tosses the ridiculous thought the second it comes. He promised Sharon when she asked him to be her man of honor that he could handle Bucky being Nat's. Living on the other side of the country afforded him to miss the rest of the events and planning along the way, and he could deal with one day of being cordial to his ex, even if the day comes with walking down an aisle together.

But now there's a ring on Bucky's finger.

The silver catches the light, and it's on prominent display with his left hand wrapped around a beer bottle. It shouldn't be possible for him to have moved on that quickly. Eight months shouldn't be long enough to bury three years of memories. Three years of hopes and dreams and plans for a future built together. Years of love so blindingly intense that it burrowed into Tony's soul to make a home and refused to be evicted just because it was supposed to be over.

Tony wonders what the timeline is. Did he find someone new while Tony was still just beginning to pick up his own scattered pieces? A first date for him while Tony was barely getting out of bed. When was it that he replaced Tony as the last person to have his heart? And how did he find forever in someone else so soon after losing the one he used to call his soulmate?

Natasha notices him first, still hovering near the entrance, and she raises a single eyebrow that calls him a coward. He rolls his eyes at the accusation, though it's accurate. She elbows Sharon to catch her attention, and before he knows it the entire small group is turning their heads his way, giving him no choice but to join them.

It's less bachelorette party and more pre-wedding celebration with the crowd they've gathered, all mutual friends of both brides with no regards for gender traditions that usually come with this night. Tony used to fit in well with them all, back when gatherings like this were just a typical Friday night. But he made himself an outsider between the move to California and the breakup with Bucky. All he has now with most of them is a dead group chat that hasn't been used in months. He wonders which one of them made the new one without him in it.

Sharon is the first to pull him into a hug, then Natasha follows suit. He gets a nod from Sam, a wave from Clint, and what might pass as a smile from Steve. Bucky stares so intensely that Tony can feel his eyes with his back turned, but when Tony looks his way, he pretends to be interested in the floor.

He had a plan before the ring threw him off. Step one should have been the entrance. Head held high, shoulders square, perfect outfit that shows everything off and compliments the Malibu tan he has now. Step two should be nonchalance. A light hearted greeting to everyone, accompanied by an easy grin and relaxed body language, and catching up with subtle brags slipped in. Show them all that he's doing better than he ever was, sitting on top of the world these days, even if most of the time it feels like he's barely above rock bottom.

Step three in his ideal scenario involved Bucky breaking down and begging to get him back. Some versions even had him on his knees for it, with tears running down his face. Others required it to be raining outside, and the cloudless sky ruined that before the ring on Bucky's finger did.

With steps one and three out the window, he tries to salvage step two.

“Hey,” Tony starts, a little too loud. He swallows the lump in his throat and tries again, “Hey, Bucky. It's good to see you.”

Bucky nods, a strained, jerky motion. “Yeah, you too. How, uh, how have you been?”

“Good. Really good, actually. Company just had its highest sales quarter yet, so it’s been a little crazy around there, but good.”

“Good,” Bucky repeats, and there’s a long awkward pause.

“And what about you?” Tony asks, and then because he can’t help himself, he adds, “I see you got engaged. Or, hell, I guess it could be married, even.”

Bucky freezes with parted lips and wide eyes for the briefest of moments, like he wasn’t expecting Tony to know about it or bring it up, and his eyes shift to the ring on his hand and stay there.

“Yeah,” he says slowly. “Engaged. Last week.”

Tony ignores the ache in his chest and plasters on a smile like he’s happy for him. “Congratulations. Who’s the lucky guy?”

“Oh, you wouldn’t know him. Steve introduced us. They work together.”

“So he’s at the museum then? I thought you used to say that you hated all those stuffy guys and Steve was the only one worth knowing.”

Bucky smiles, a fond thing that widens the crack in Tony’s heart. “Yeah, well, I guess I was wrong. Felix is a great guy.”

Tony resists the urge to roll his eyes. Stupid name that probably matches a stupid, punchable face.

Some masochist thing pulls at him to make him keep digging for more information, a twisted need to know even as each word pushes the knife in deeper. He aims for casual, leaning back against one of the high top tables as he asks, “So how long have you been together?”

“Just a couple of months. Kind of fast, I know, but when you’re sure about something, it doesn’t really matter, right? Why waste time waiting?”

“Right, of course,” Tony says, a little flatter than he intends. “So why isn’t he here tonight? Hope it wasn’t to spare my feelings, because it’s really not necessary.”

Bucky falters, “It’s not? You, uh, you’re dating someone, then?”

Tony nods, and he wishes he had grabbed a drink before this so he could hide behind it as he lies through his teeth. “Only a few weeks, though. A little too early to be a wedding date, but I’m sure your guy will be there tomorrow right?”

“Oh, um, yeah, definitely. Why wouldn’t he be, right? There’s no reason I can think of,” Bucky says, stumbling around it. “But tell me more about your thing. Your person. How’s that going?”

Tony shrugs, and he finally pulls off that easy smile he’s been trying for. “Well, it’s not get engaged in a couple of months good, but it’s been really great. We’re taking it slow. Trying not to rush anything and just get to know each other first. I think it could really be something, though.”

“That’s good,” Bucky mumbles. “You deserve something good.”

He isn’t meeting Tony’s eyes anymore, almost like he’s upset that Tony moved on, and the vindictive part of Tony wants to be happy about it, but another part wants to be angry because it isn’t fair. It’s not fair to act like Tony should stay stuck in time, forever longing for him when he already moved on with someone else first. It’s hypocritical and selfish, even if Tony is lying about there being anyone else.

“Well, I’m gonna go get a drink,” Tony says, pushing down every feeling. “Should catch up with everyone else, too, while I’m at it. I’ll talk to you later.”

He heads over to the bar and isn’t surprised when Sharon joins him a moment later, right after he orders a double shot of whiskey. She puts an arm around his shoulder and asks, “Are you okay?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Tony laughs, running a hand through his hair. “My ex is engaged to somebody else and apparently doing really fucking well. Meanwhile, I’m making up fake boyfriends that I’m taking it slow with, because last week I went on my first real date in eight months and cried in the bathroom in the middle of it. And then, at the end of the night, he literally told me to my face that he didn’t think a second date was a good idea. We weren’t even talking about it, Sharon. He said it unprompted when we were still ten minutes from his apartment, and I was driving.”

Sharon nods slowly as she processes the rant. “He told you he got engaged?”

“Yeah, thanks for not telling me, by the way. It was really fun to get blindsided by it.”

She ignores the complaint to ask, “What else did he tell you, exactly?”

“Oh, just the whole line about how you know when you know, and Felix is such a great guy, and all that bullshit.”

“Felix,” Sharon repeats.

Tony knocks back the rest of his drink and orders another. “Please tell me he’s not better looking than me. Tell me it’s a downgrade. Don’t lie, because I know I have to meet him tomorrow, but please give me something that will make this better.”

“Well, I can guarantee he’s not as attractive as you. But he’s a little too perfect, you know? Like how could this guy possibly be real, he’s so unbelievably perfect,” Sharon says.

“I told you to make me feel better, not worse.”

Sharon shakes her head with a smile, the arm around him tightening into an approximation of hug. “I wouldn’t worry about it too much. I don’t think they’re going to last. He’s kind of flaky, too. Always cancelling at the last minute and all that. Bet he won’t even show tomorrow.”

The amusement on her face that she’s failing to hide confuses him. He’s starting to feel bad, though, for making the night about him when it should be about her and Nat.

Resolving not to dwell on it anymore, he squeezes the hand on his shoulder and says, “Alright, enough sad drinking, and definitely enough about me. We’re celebrating you and Nat and a lifetime of sickeningly wonderful happiness for both of you.”

Sharon grins, “Hell yeah, we are.”

“Shots?”

“Is that even a question?”

_____________

He wakes up with a headache and hazy memories. Shots of tequila that turned into shots of vodka when Nat got involved, then Clint’s terrible suggestion to try a shot of every liquor they had to offer. He vaguely remembers the round of toasts and drunken impromptu speeches from everyone, locking eyes with Bucky and failing to look away on both their parts. There’s a blur of wandering hands and heated, messy kisses. A bathroom stall turned into a cab ride which turned into his hotel room. He knows what he’ll find next to him when he opens his eyes, and guilt comes in full force.

“I know you’re awake,” Bucky says, voice still rough with sleep. It used to be Tony’s favorite sound in the world. “And I know we’re both sorry about what happened, but pretending to be asleep isn’t fixing nothin’.”

Tony shifts over to his back, and if there was any question before about what happened between them, the all too familiar ache in his body would answer it. He stares up at the ceiling to avoid the acres of bare skin on display next to him.

“You should probably leave,” Tony says to the walls. “I’m sure your fiancé is wondering where you are.”

“I doubt it.”

Tony puts an arm over his eyes, partly to block out the light that makes them ache and partly to hide his face. “Just go, okay? It was a mistake, and it won’t happen again, and we don’t have to talk about it.”

“Was it a mistake?” Bucky asks. “It didn’t feel like one to me.”

He doesn’t answer, and it’s soft and broken when Bucky says his name. Too much for him to handle.

Tony pushes back the blankets and searches for Bucky’s clothes in the mess they’ve made. He finds the shirt first and throws it at him. “You’re engaged, which means it was a mistake.”

His boxers are on the back of the couch, jeans right in front of the door, and they join the pile on Bucky’s lap. “You promised the rest of your life to somebody else, and I’m pretty sure fidelity is supposed to go with that.”

He tosses a shoe in the general direction of the bed, and it hits the nightstand with a loud thud. The second shoe is still in his hand when Bucky gets up and walks over to him, taking it and letting it drop to the floor.

His eyes hold a level of intensity that Tony has spent months dreaming about, and Tony couldn’t look away or move from this spot even if he tried.

“Felix isn’t real,” Bucky says. “I made him up when you asked, because I didn’t want to tell you the truth that I haven’t moved on in the slightest. That I’m so pathetic that I’ve spent the last eight months wearing an engagement ring that I bought for a guy who doesn’t love me anymore because I don’t know how to let him go.”

Tony stops breathing. “What?”

Bucky slides the ring from his finger, holding it between them so Tony can see the inscription. Always yours. He can’t remember the last time he heard the words get spoken.

“When?” Tony asks hoarsely. “When did you get that and why didn’t you ever ask me?”

“About a year ago,” Bucky says, slipping it back on his own finger. He sits back on the edge of the bed and stares down at it, twisting it around. “I thought about doing it on your birthday, but Nat and Sharon had just gotten engaged the week before and I didn’t want to take anything away from them. You were working a lot of late nights after that, and I thought it would be better to wait until things slowed down. You were so tired all the time, and you deserved a better proposal than when you’re falling asleep in the middle of dinner. It never slowed down, though. And then you got that big promotion and somehow we fell apart instead. If I’m honest, I still don’t really know how. One minute I’m getting ready to come with you, and the next you’re telling me not to bother.”

Tony sits down next to him, shoulders touching, and he pulls Bucky’s left hand into his. “You didn’t really want to go.”

“That’s not true,” Bucky says, but Tony shakes his head.

“All you talked about was how much you would miss New York. How much you’d miss your friends and your family and your job. Every day, everywhere we went. Even the fucking hot dog stands got sonnets about them. It really didn’t take a genius to figure out that you weren’t exactly looking forward to leaving.”

“I still would have gone for you,” Bucky argues. “I told you I would go anywhere with you, if it was what you wanted.”

“And then what? You move with me, and you’re miserable all the time, because my job never slows down so I’m still not around as much as you want, except now it’s compounded because you’re in a city that you hate with no one else that you know. You resent me for making you go, and the outcome is the same in the end either way.”

“Or I move with you, and I finally ask you to marry me like I’ve wanted to since almost the day we met. I find new friends and a new job, and even if it’s not perfect, it’s still worth it because at the end of the day I have a husband coming home to me.”

Tony runs his thumb over the ring and murmurs, “I wanted you to be happy. I didn’t think I could do that for you anymore.”

Bucky cups his cheek, tilting his head up to meet his eyes. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but baby, you’re an idiot.”

“Oh, thanks,” Tony laughs.

“You’re my idiot, if that helps.”

Tony smiles, still fragile but growing more hopeful. “Am I?”

“Always have been,” Bucky says. “Always will be if you stop assuming I’m going to leave you all the time. Let me decide for myself what I’m willing to sacrifice for us.”

Tony nods slowly, then says, “I’m sorry for ending it like that.”

“I’m sorry for making you feel like you had to.”

Tony climbs into his lap, circling his arms around his neck, and Bucky pulls him in closer with his hands on Tony’s hips. The ring is strange to feel against his skin, but also completely right. He wants it to stay there and to mean what it was always supposed to. Wants one of his own to match.

“We can fix it, right? We can be us again?”

“I don’t know,” Bucky says, and Tony’s heart sinks for just a moment. “Is your boyfriend as real as my fiancé?”

Tony laughs again in relief, “Yeah, they’d be a good pair.”

“I knew you had to be lying. You’ve never taken it slow in your life,” Bucky grins.

“Do you want me to start now?”

Bucky flips them over in one fluid motion, and he kisses up his throat as he murmurs, “Absolutely not.”

#my writing #my fic #winteriron #buckytony #winteriron fic #prompt fill #ad1thi