#i feel so bad about myself i feel so disgusting | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

alexandraundone · 3 days

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Typical BPD Weekend

Friday: Drink too much and split on someone you really like because they’re not giving you the attention you want. You feel like you’re losing them, so why not fucking self sabotage and push them away before they can leave you anyways? You were angry, they don’t appreciate you like you do them, so fuck ‘em. They’re nothing to you, just like you are to them. Once a God, now a Dog.

Saturday: Spend all day in a state of high anxiety feeling like you’re a hair away from having a panic attack, waiting to hear from the person you split on even though you know this time you really took it too far. You try to tell people what happened, but how can you put into words why you reacted the way you did…? Clean obsessively. Pace around. Stare at phone. Repeat this process until you can stare at the ceiling for hours, begging for sleep so you can stop thinking about it.

Sunday: Anxiety is replaced by depression when you accept that you really did fuck it up this time and you won’t hear from the person you split on. Try to stay busy and not think about it or them - even lying to yourself it won’t be so bad without them - but it’s all consuming. They left like you knew they would, and you were right… right? You’re always right when it comes to people leaving you. Even so, why is there physical pain radiating in your chest?

The hit of dopamine and euphoria I get from hearing back from someone I thought was going to abandon me is a high I wouldn’t wish on others. It disgusts me. I fucking hate BPD. (I think I hate myself more.)

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rrigormortiss · 2 days

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🏳️‍⚧️ A quick rant because I am losing my mind over it once again 🏳️‍⚧️

For the plot: I'm a trans man post-surgery, several years on T, living life completely stealth.

As pride month is slowly approaching, several of my colleagues are finding their voices again and quietly b*tch about LGBT+, the usual. As if that wasn't bad enough they always happen to tell ME about it. Out of all people!?

Like yeah they don't know about my transition but I'm probably the one person at work that never said any anti-lgbt crap and yet they're always talking to me as if I'm the biggest supporter for their bs. And I can't even out myself (I'd ruin my joblife) or speak up loudly and it feels so incredibly disgusting. Of course I tell them I disagree and I try to advocate but I honestly don't even want to be the person they feel like they 'can come to' with these kinda statements. Like why me? Sometimes it makes me fear that I, in what way whatsoever, give off the same vibe to them that they see themselves?

Is this the price I have to pay?

Is this a universal experience? How do you guys cope with this? Help a brother out.

#lgbtqia #lgbtq #lgbtq community #transgender #trans man #ftm #stealth #trans stealth #queer #queer community #lgbt help #gay

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unicyclingdogs · 10 months

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hey guys just got back from queering my favorite character into oblivion— what’d i miss??

all jokes aside, this blog is a safe space for queer people and intolerance will not be tolerated here‼️‼️

#linked universe #lu fanart #lu wild #its so crazy to me that people thought they could be so bigoted out on the open on TUMBLR of all places; those ppl are out of their minds #also the fact that they though loz was full of ‘conservative christian values’ like what are they talking about 💀💀💀#and while its only a small part of the fandom the fact that it existed at all is so sad to me #like how are you gonna take these games and characters and just use it as a platform to spread your hate???#but that being said outside of those ppl I consider this fandom to be great and full of amazing writers and artists #im proud to be in this fandom and I will not let these ppl taint it for me #so even though this situation is awful it definitely makes me appreciate the fact that the majority of ppl here are queer or allies #in conclusion #feel free to troll that server if you so desire bc I have no sympathy for them #like the fact that they said queer ppl are ‘predatory’ is so disgusting #that mindset gets ppl hate crimed so I don’t feel bad that ppl are trolling their server #ok ok I’ll stop here im getting myself upset but man some ppl suck #also art tag wait #uni art :)

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pansyfemme · 3 months

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im having anxiety so bad right now that im overwhelmed by noise but quiet is making me so paranoid i cant not have my headphones in

#ive been venting on tumblr since day one of this account but this feels different now #i dont know where to go sometimes i dont want to wake up friends or therapists or parents or even really talk one on one #i just want to speak and people to read it i guess #but ive become really obsessive about being a bad person and its ruining my life lately #there was an incident at home that made me go back into this old thought process i have #and the roomate struggles have made it worse #i feel needy and constantly needing attention and validation and it makes me sick #i want to tell people i love them constantly because i need to but then i convince myself thats also bad that must be manipulation #everytime i dislike someone they must know it and hate me and find me disgusting #im like so tired of obsessions #of not being able to hear words i cant make out without becoming obsessive about how people must be talking about me #and i hate the aftershocks of shame of assuming im even important enough to be talked about #vent tw

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napping-sapphic · 10 months

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honestly pretty sure that if even one more man winks or gives me that creepy deliberate up and down Look™️ at work i might just start crying on the spot

#i am not having a good time #it just makes me feel so disgusting #and there is literally no way to dress more moderately #not to mention that im in a uniform so i can’t change it #i know it’s like shouldn’t be such a big deal but i hate it so so so much #it freaks me out and just makes me feel awful about myself #i just go home and put on ugly sleep clothes and feel awful #and yall know how much i normally like wearing cute pajamas #but now it’s just idk whatever covers the most without being too hot #ughhhhhh #sorry #i just didn’t really anticipate it #and how bad it would get to me Every Single Time #i just feel grosssssss #and it really sucks #vent post #rant #venting #sorry i can add more tags if needed #i try not to complain too much but im just so unhappy #and like it’s too embarrassing to talk about it to people i know #i can’t even tell my coworkers because i just feel ashamed about it ughhhhh #i dont know #it’s just A Lot and i dont know why and that just makes me feel WORSE #im good and all just really not vibing with this element of my job

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luvsavos · 3 months

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random vent(?) in the tags, feel free to ignore i just have a lot of pent up emotions to get out today apparently

#mar.txt #it's weird being aro(?) and yet also longing for a relationship. maybe its just bc almost all of my friends are in one #maybe it's bc of how easily jealous i get #maybe its the fact that i'm constantly being reminded that i am nobody's most important person. there's always someone more important.#maybe it's just the all-consuming，gaping hole of loneliness within me #idk.#i don't even know if i AM actually aro or if i'm just so demi that i may as well be aro or if ive just had so many bad experiences that it #feels impossible for me to feel romantic attraction #a few of my ocs (shara and the alatreon) are how i think i'd describe myself; aro，but willing to be in a relationship provided the other #person isn't bothered by them being aro，bc they have their own equivalent to romantic feelings #i know i'll never have one though. for all my confidence and whatnot i still very much am insecure about my own loveability. because the #only thing life has shown me is that i very much am not loveable. all the way back in first grade ppl were already using me instead of #actually caring #'dating' me to make someone else jealous. so they could have a drug buddie. a fuck buddie. so they could try to manipulate me into things #because i was a young teenager desperate for validation and to feel like i mattered and belonged and they were nearly adults who knew they #could exploit that. i'm surprised i never had anything happen to me beyond being pressured into trying chew tobacco (awful and disgusting)#and doing it every time i was around my 'boyfriend' and his friends #the only two genuine relationships i had didn't last either; one lost feelings after three years and the other just sorta stopped talking to #me and iirc eventually picked up a boyfriend that was actually local instead of long distance #i am not worthy of love. i will never be loved in the way that my friends are. hell i won't ever even find a qpp(?). and that makes me sad.#to know i will always be alone. that i'm destined to die alone. but it is what it is i guess. i just wish it didn't bother me so much.#i wish i could be content in my loneliness and not be jealous of everyone around me. i wish i could accept that i will never be anybody's #most important person. that the only person i can or will ever be the most important to is myself. self love，yeah? ha.#maybe 2024 will have something in store for me. god i hope it does. but i doubt it will. more of my friends will get into relationships，#those already in them will stay in them and/or take a step forward in their relationship. and i will remain alone. just as i always have.#anyways. sorry vent over i'm just. ugh. upset today. emotions are stupid and i want a refund on them. i did not ask to be saddled with the #burden of feeling such intense，suffocating displacement and loneliness. i did not ask to feel these negative emotions so strongly.#i just want to be someone's most important person. i just want to matter.

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widevibratobitch · 6 months

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my god. skinny people really just have like. No Idea huh just absolutely not a single clue lmao it's almost funny to watch fr but then id lie if i said i wouldn't fucking kill to be able to be that ignorant

#girl i am SO sorry people react with surprise when you say you're studying to be an opera singer because you're #*checks notes* skinny and attractive. so so sorry that must be literal hell for you huh how will you ever recover :((((#no no please keep talking about how equally bad that is to the brutal fucking fatshaming and ED glorifying #in the industry that me and the only other fat girl in the room were talking about before you interrupted us <3 #anyway. we were talking about this one review of a quite famous professional music critic whose only comment about a fat mezzo in the cast #was 'miss xyz.... lose some weight'. not a single word about her singing/acting/whatever. but yeah no you're too sexy for an opera singer #and THAT is the real problem here girl i totally understand yeah <3 thoughts and prayers dearest.#earlier that same day this same girl was standing next to me in her bodycon dress and went #*pointing at her stomach that's so flat its almost concave* 'ughhhh what do i have to do to not look pregnant in this dress 😩😫'#and i said 'girl' and just looked at her and like the sudden horrified realisation on her face was lowkey hysterical #like omg you really did forget you're not talking to your other skinny friends with whom you can pat each other on the backs #and reassure each other that 'dw girl ur not fat at all ur so so sexy!' huh sjshsjshsjs #but yeah i dont like making people uncomfortable irl so i did reassure her she looks hot and pretty and skinny as all shit #let at least one of us have a nice evening and not feel Absolutely Fucking Disgusting ig <3 #and the day before that after i saw our (last ever btw never photographing myself with them ever again <3) picture and had a mini break down #the other even skinnier and smaller and petite-er crouched down next to me with the most guilty fucking expression and quietly asked me #if im alright and do i want her to delete those pictures (that she posted on two separate social media pages) and like #the look of immense fucking pity on her was even worse than seeing those pictures #like i know she meant well and was trying to be nice but my god. this really is how you all see me huh #like looking like me would be fate worse than death for yall #not even gonna mention the thing i just learned this friday that the retired ballerina who leads our ballet classes said about me #trying to cheer up the other fat girl who happened to have a bit of an emotional breakdown in the middle of the class :)))))))#like i am sooooooo so glad and honoured to be an inspiration to you. really. always happy to help. the exemplary Fat Girl Who Fucking Sucks #But Doesnt Let It Bother Her <333333 #like on one hand. yeah it really does make me wanna jump off a cliff. but on the other. its just hilarious sjdgsjsgsj #you sure are right miss ma'am. i sure don't let this bother me at all. i am famous for my uncanny ability to Not Be Bothered by all this <33 #but shes new. its ok. how could she know about the last two years when i was getting panic attacks and sobbing myself to sleep every tuesday #but yeah no. [lauren cooper voice] am i bovvered? am i bovvered tho? i aint even bovvered!

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ferdydurke · 7 months

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I say this often but its crazy how much of a vortex depression is.

#I dont feel like... safe or particularly fulfilled rn and i have major major mood swings at least once a week but its not like.#Bleak as fuck. I think the language of 'the world is without colour' never does it for me bc thats how id describe it when im out of it #but when im depressed my main feeling is that i am a person that was born without a soul whose main purpose in life is to kill myself #because i cant bear to do or think anything else. And like even talking about it while in that mental state feels incredibely like.#Like youre doing something disgusting because its a cry for attention or for help so you have to put it in a way that makes it clear that #you are not trying to escape your destiny by trying to convince someone you are worthy of living.#And then like. At some point you stop feeling like that and you forget about it...#until youre there again. and you forget what its like to not be in it. its crazyyyy to me its just crazy #barking #ultimately im very lucky.#Because i really dont believe you can just will yourself out of that hole i really think the enviroment is like 99% of it #and well i will prolly end up in that hole again maybe even this year. but maybe ill have something to pull me out #some ability to change the thing thats making me feel like that #and idk its so like. awful that that isnt always the case. sometimes youre just drowning in it and theres nothing #just my late night thoughts thats why i need that weed bad man

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kindnessoverperfection · 7 months

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There are two paths before me.

One is overgrown, full of thorns and bristles and broken branches. The other is sunny and clear.

Surely, the first will lead to nothing but risk, danger, and pain, while the second will be a blissful, joyful walk.

But there's nothing for me on that clear path. No food, no life, no person out there besides myself. I know that the overgrown path can grant me all those things and more, if only it weren't such a wretched way to go.

So I spend some time on the clear path, walking forward until I can't take the loneliness and discontent anymore, and I turn back. But when I arrive where I started, the first path is still overgrown, worse still than before. Frustrated and feeling helpless, I start down the clear path again. When I decide to take care of myself and survive instead of starving to death on the barren trail, I turn back again. And again, the other is overgrown and terrifying.

I go back and forth, until I fall to my knees, crying and begging for someone, anyone, to help me. To remove the thorns and bristles and branches.

And then I realize, this entire time, I've been running from the pain. I've been waiting for the trail to clear up on its own, to grant me safe and easy passage.

It wasn't my fault I was never taught wilderness survival - I don't know how to make it through such an area, bandage the scrapes and wear functional gear and step over the branches. But I can learn, even if I'll experience some hurt along the way.

#i've been improving but #i decided to spend my time on things that matter instead of spending it on my appearance #i've been practicing doing that a lot #but it's still really hard sometimes. i feel so desperate to prove myself. to hide the autism and anything else they've ridiculed.#prove to them that i can. that that's ''not me''. trying to heal inherently means taking care of myself and investing in my actual #interests rather than wasting my life so i can look pretty and come off appealing and confident and NT and whatever else #but the shame and desperation are so strong i've spent the day crying just because i didn't spend the time to make myself the #most impressive person in the room lmaooo #anyways. realized that i always run into the same roadblock. ''this hurts really badly so i'm going to run back into the arms of NPD becaus #that feels safe and stable''#people can look down on me. not take me seriously. assume i'm incompetent or incapable. find me shameful or embarrassing or flawed.#they can make fun of me. talk about me behind my back. show disgust or disdain. abandon me with no explanation. exclude me. reject me.#and yeah it hurts. it hurts so fucking bad. but hiding who i am and turning everything into a source of approval-seeking is making me #actively want to die. and i'm incapable of getting close to anyone or anything like this. i need to acknowledge the pain and let it hurt.#learn to deal with it instead of run from it.

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x-itzzzzzz-x · 2 months

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i hate myself so much it makes me feel physically ill