#i feel like they'd think it weird or wrong to do stuff via email or something like that

[lundilalune]

ugh i just woke up and I'm alreaddyyy in a rambling mood,, too many thoughts and nobody to comfortably talk to,,,,,

i think my parents have kinda fucked up the way i interact w adults,,, im realizing now that i always expect them to act similarly?? like i'm Actually kind of scared of my friends' parents/family members even when they're nice and apparently like me,,, and with my teachers i'm afraid of coming off as "disrespectful" and it's always shocking when any adult does something Small my parents Don't Do and i just think "is it really that bad???" like the coach for one of my extracurriculars,, whenever she wants to address me (thus far just online) she always does it privately/sends other people away and it touches me so much that it makes me want to cry bc privacy is huge to me and I'm just so used to my parents trampling all over mine to the point where I reflexively try to "hide"/"protect" anything i care about (never leaving my poems out in the open, like literally having them either in a notebook under my bed or double password protected in my phone,,) and it feels so stupid and irrational until my parents eat some of my snacks and call Me wrong for getting upset about it,,,, and so I'm always so freaking shocked when someone not only recognizes my boundaries but respects them as well,,

but then there's a painful issue in which if i like people i might idealize them? think of them as too perfect and then whenever they do something upsetting or i do something (or even think about) doing something "wrong" to/around them,, shit really hits the fan in my head??

geehhh school makes me hate myself sometimes but when i'm stable enough i can admit that i'm smart,,, i'm really good at reflecting on myself/my actions and mayhaps a certain shade of self-psychoanalysis (probablyyyy not entirely healthy but Understanding/being able to explain to myself what the hell is happening and why gives me a sense of control,,) and i really wish i had a therapist just to tell me what to Do with thoughts like these,, like i need help knowing right from wrong/someone i can trust to just like,,, dump all of the shit in my brain on

#but the issue is my anxiety... it's really really fuckin bad #and that thing with adults?? yeah I can't trust them off the bat... it's like they have to 'prove' themselves #lundi rambling #also idk HOW I'd communicate w a therapist bc the desire is there but...scared scared scared #i feel like they'd think it weird or wrong to do stuff via email or something like that #and i WANT to do it like in-person (tho that's currently a no go bc corona) so I don't like...spiral into my own thoughts #yet again? like I don't want to be alone or not be able to see them asking all those questions #(still haven't figured out how to answer the s*icidal question yet either #bc yes i am and it gets really bad and i also had a nightmare in which i k*lled my mom #but I don't wanna end up in like a psych ward (even more alone and idk what kind of bad treatment I'd get... #plus I don't like the lack of control so....)) #anyways the best way to 'talk' to a therapist would be to send them my years' worth of journaling... it's a long read tho #and honestly a huge pain...i can't imagine anyone wanting do that esp since it's not a normal way of doing things #i really want them to tho...bc i think if they could read and understand that...then i could trust them more #maybe not enough to like verbally talk and/or make long eye contact but... enough??? #eughhh Rambling like this is just so nasty why can't i just think less and be freakin quiet