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codename-mom · 6 days

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Is Hotch autistic?

Well, if you take into account the official material, the answer is: no. Or, at least, he’s never shown like that, and it’s never mentioned that he could be.

Now, if the question is: do I think Hotch is autistic? The answer is: yes.

Why do I think that?

First of all, I want to precise that my knowledges in that domain are limited, so there will be inconsistencies and imprecisions in the text below. I’m sorry if I hurt some of you doing so, it wasn’t the purpose of it (feel free to correct me, with manners please). And, on the other hand, it’s a very personal point of view. As so, this post is in no way canon.

TW: mention of child/domestic abuse, anxiety, CM violence

The first two aspects of his personality which might fit with the autistic Hotch hypothesis, and which are pretty obvious are:

His lack of expressiveness

Hotch is able to smile, we saw it in a few episodes, to laugh, to cry and even to be very angry (do I need to specify which episode I’m referring to?); so he feels emotions like anyone else, but his ability to express them is far below how JJ, Derek, Dave or Emily does. Most of the time, the character appears stoic, eyebrows furrowed, straight mouth, no matter what’s going on around or other protagonist reaction.

Yet, we know that he has empathy (he’s moved when Foyet killed seven innocents people in the bus, he’s about to fall in tears with that burnt woman (S02E19) and he cried when he accompany that man who has to watch his son’s death (S07E10)), we know that he’s careful about his men (he reassured Penelope after he was harsh with her, he took Spencer in his arms after they freed him from Tobias Hankel, he worried (a lot) about Emily when she was with Cyrus, etc.) and we know that he’s sensitive to what people say or don’t say to him (he returned Derek’s words about his defaults (S03E02) and he’s hurt when he realizes that JJ hide her pregnancy to him) BUT he doesn’t show it.

We can argue that he was trained for that purpose, but it’s supposed to apply when he is with witnesses, victims, or suspects; not when he’s with his men or his relatives. And he’s not especially expressive with Jack, for example.

(Look how happy he is! /o/)

He is, however, more with Haley and Beth, but not that much.

What are the reasons for this difficulty in expressing emotions?

If, like we can suspect it by listening to his dialogue with Vincent (S01E08), his father was violent (to him, to his mother or both), he could have learnt to hide his emotions to survive. Now a grown-up, he doesn’t know how to express them the right way.

Or he is shy/introvert. I already talked about that in a previous post, but Aaron is a shy guy, who pull himself away, who avoid spotlights and who don’t want to disturb people around with his problems. Laughing out loud, ranting loudly or shouting out of rage, it’s not his temper (for the last point, we can flatten it because we know that he’s able to yell to be the bad cop (S04E13), because something touched him personally (the husband who beat his wife in Alaska) or because we’re stepping on his toes (he’s mad at Jordan because she defied his authority in front of everyone and she lied to witnesses to obtain information, two things he doesn’t like at all)).

Or he doesn’t simply know how to express them. He’s not able to identify them clearly, so he adopts a neutral expression, which cracks when he’s feeling the strongest emotions (joy, sadness, or anger). And that is closed to autistic’s features.

He stares at people

It’s impossible to not note that point. Spencer himself said at the beginning of season 5 that he had never seen Hotch blink since his arrival at the BAU.

Neurotypical people don’t do that. During a conversation, gaze moves all the time: it could stay put for a moment, but it’ll move when the person will try to remember something, think to what they’re going to say, watch at something around or be attracted by a movement somewhere near. It’s not what Hotch do: he stares continuously at the person who he’s talking to or who’s talking to him. He looks away when he estimates that the conversation is over. And no matter the status of the one in front of him.

And autists are known for having trouble with how they’re supposed to place their gaze during a conversation: they can stare at everything else but the people in front of them (that’s what Spencer do), or they do like Hotch. In an episode of L&O: CI, Goren and Eames faced an autistic suspect who has learnt to not stare at people after a certain amount of time. Well, it’s not a reliable source (far from it), but we find again the fact that autists can stare intensely at people.

And, as a shy person, I can assure you that we don’t do such thing (on a contrary, we’d rather look away to not be perceived as intrusive or aggressive).

Now, let’s talk about his less obvious features that can attest his neuro-divergency.

Proprioception issues

What proprioception is first? To make the thing simple, it’s all the nervous messages continuously sent by every part of our body to our brain and which it uses then to manage our moves and actions. To give you an example: thanks to our proprioception we are able to know that we’re falling and then our brain can order us to rise our arms or to move our foot so we won’t be hurt much, or we will stay standing up. It’s also thanks to our proprioception that we know that we’re hungry, thirsty, cold, hot, sleepy, or hurt.

Autistic people have trouble with their proprioception because they don’t recognize their internal sensations: they can be hurt and don’t notice or suffer from sunstroke without being conscious of it.

And we can see many times Hotch being hurt and still continues to act like everything is fine. In New York, despite is ripped eardrum and his many wounds, he runs everywhere like a young puppy (adrenaline can do the trick however). When he stops that unsub provoking a car crash, he’s stunned but still ready to chase him (S04E23). When his ear bleeds again, still in New York, he doesn’t pay attention (but, again, adrenaline can have anesthetic effects).

We can counterargue underlying that he may pretends to not worry his men (because he’s shy, remember), but in Route 66 episode, he suffers from internal bleeding without him to notice anything. He realizes that he’s not okay a few seconds before he passes out (so hours after the beginning of the problem). And that, it can’t be allocate to his will to not disturb people around (the “excuse me” can be, cf. my previous post).

We can also add that, very often, we see all the other characters drinking coffee and eating, when he doesn’t. He does when everyone is around a table at the end of a mission (Las Vegas, in that Mexican restaurant, etc.), but it could be led by a group effect: he’s not specifically hungry, he just follows his subordinates.

And we can’t count the number of time where he’s awake late at night. In fact, the simple fact that he’s at Quantico very early in the morning and very late at night induces that he doesn’t sleep much. JJ and Emily both have remarks about it: first one saying that he stays as much as she does (S03E09) and the second one asking when he slept.

All that can be signs of his autism.

Hyper-fixation

Hyper-fixation is not only to be interested by a subject to the point to collect everything about it and to do deep research about it. Any music band, movie or TV shows fan could fit in that box. No, hyper-fixation designates the fact that the person who suffers from it deep dives so much into their task that they forget to answer their most basic needs of their body, like eating, drinking, going to restrooms, cleaning themselves, or sleeping. It’s not harmless, far from it.

And Hotch is a master to stay late at night without sleeping (I won’t do the list of every episode where he’s the only one left on the sixth floor or where he’s working in his bedroom when all the other sleep). And to think that he also forgets to eat and to drink, there’s only one step to do.

We can put that on the fact that he’s not especially motivated to go back to his place after his divorce, but he was already doing it when he was married (to Haley’s dismay) and he’s still doing it when his son is waiting for him (and it’s very kind of his ex-sister-in-law to take care of him in his place).

And for his hotel insomnia, we can suggest that his (extreme) professional conscience pushes him to continue to work far after the usual schedule. But the others are not less conscientious, and they sleep.

So, it’s possible that in addition to the fact that he doesn’t feel his body calls, he can also lose notion of time and space regularly. And that fits with the autistic Hotch hypothesis.

Change issues

Autists can have difficulties to apprehend and handle changes in their daily routine. We can see it with Spencer who is very disturbed by Gideon and Blake’s departure, who are two people with who he had a strong connection.

And we can see it also with Hotch who shows difficulties to adapt to changes. First, he’s always wearing the same outfit, even when it’s not necessary (we see it with the others: suit and tie are not mandatory), which means that he’s following a daily routine.

Then, when JJ has to leave the first time, he expresses his discomfort multiple times: he doesn’t appreciate the news of her pregnancy first (S03E20), he underlines that they’re going to be lost without her (S04E06?) and, most of all, he struggles a lot to accept Jordan Todd’s presence in his team. Some will say that it’s because he’s sexist and racist, but it’s forgotten that JJ is a woman, that Derek is a POC and that, later, he’ll hire Tara willingly.

We don’t have many elements on the way he adapts to Jack’s presence in his daily life after Haley’s death (we only know that Jessica takes care of him most of the time, but he taught him to read and he and JJ clearly help themselves to drive their children to school), so it’s difficult to dig more in this feature. Moreover, that this aspect is reduced, then muted in the following seasons.

No social life

Unlike all the other members of his team who interact with people who are not federal agents (JJ and Spencer with their mother, Derek with his mother, his sisters and his aunt, Emily and her childhood friends, Penelope and her brothers, and Dave with his ex-wives, his daughter, his grandson and a certain amount of acquaintances), Hotch has no interaction with someone else but his team and other federal agents (curiously, mostly women). Outside of them, he interacts only with Jack and Jessica. Even Spencer is seen with former classmates (S02E18, S07E11).

There are several explanations for this.

It may be a hole in the script because the writers didn’t want to dig into this aspect of the character (we already see him a lot on the screen, the others need some space too). So, he has friends, but we don’t know them.

Or he doesn’t have any. Because he never succeeded to make some or because he wasn’t able to keep contact with them through time. In any case, it can be relevant of the fact that, like many autists, social interactions are landmine field for him. He can’t analyze emotions of people around him, as he can’t analyze his, so he avoids interacting with strangers or, when he does, he doesn’t act the right way and people run away from him.

Knowing that he is a profiler, it makes this suggestion absurd, unless if you think that he’s only able to identify specific behavior from sociopaths and everything else is just nonsense for him. We see multiple times that his reactions or replies provoke astonishment for the people who are not part of his team.

But it can also fit with the shyness theory. When you are shy and/or introvert, talking to stranger is hard as hell. As so, shy people don’t have many friends and/or acquaintances.

[Well, yes, I forgot: he has his brother - and they don't appreciate each other - and his former father-in-law - who hates him deeply.]

Tactless

I don’t think any of you will contradict me on that point, but Hotch can be very direct. And he doesn’t hesitate, and he doesn’t seem to care about the consequences of his words on his target’s hubris or self-esteem.

And, for someone who studies to become a lawyer/prosecutor, it’s quite peculiar: he’s supposed to be eloquent, to know how to handle the verb, and to be able to reel people; instead, he humiliates a lawyer in front of the Court underlying his too short pants, his low-cost clothes, and his habits of (bad) gambler. He could have used statistics to make his point but preferred this brutal method.

And he acts like that many times during the show: he says to Strauss that she’s a bad mother, he scolds Prentiss at the beginning of their cohabitation, he is harsh multiple times with Derek, Penelope, Jordan, and with police officers and others… well, many examples. The guy is upfront, and he doesn’t care about good manners. He says what he thinks.

By the way, we can remark that politics and him don’t match. Every time he has to play a political game, he refuses, or he fails in the end (S02E11, S02E16, S04E16). To lie, to be a hypocrite, bowing, it’s not his thing. Which means that he’s more the frank type.

If we add to this that it’s more than obvious that he was doing well with Kate Joyner who was also the frank type, we can suppose that he appreciates honest and direct people, like him. Why? Maybe because he doesn’t get innuendo, unspoken, pretense… that are, I think, difficult to catch for autists.

However, we can’t totally discard the fact that he is also the provocative type. We know that he has a juvenile record and that he can be very sarcastic, which means that behind his good manners and his controlled speech, he has a rebellious temper and a real issue with authority. The fact that he wasn’t much expressive can’t help us determine when he voluntarily speaks frankly to have a reaction or when he hurts people by mistake.

Rigidity

Hotch is stiff. And I don’t say that because is as straight as a chopstick. No, he’s mentally stiff. Derek says that he is a drill-sergeant and JJ, a bully, which means that their boss is quite uncompromising. About what? We don’t really know, but as he read/write all the reports of his team members, that he asks Emily for a missing piece in her report and that he tramples on Derek when he did the correction of his draft (when Derek noticed that they don’t have enough for a profile), we can suggest that he’s uber fussy about that.

Seeing how he’s mad at Jordan when he catches her lying to the family of a victim, we understand that he hates that. As much as he hates when his men play solo (Spencer, Seaver, Derek) putting themselves in danger and/or putting all the team in danger – notice that HE can. He also hates when people give nicknames to serial killers.

Maybe this is going to be a headcanon, but I think that Hotch is typically the kind of person who is incapable of breaking rules; rules made by society/the institution he works for (ex: driving above the speed limits/having an intimate relationship with one of his subordinates) or rules made by himself (ex: not lying to witnesses during an investigation). To break these rules asks him a real effort and he’s immediately uncomfortable with it. And when he sees people around breaking them, he’s as much uncomfortable (he’s tolerating Kevin around Penelope in the limits he has made).

This struggle can come from his autism.

Anxiety

First of all, it’s important to say that if autists suffer of anxiety (because of everything above), it doesn’t mean that every anxious people are autistic nor that every autist is anxious. But it’s part of the many symptoms of autism.

This said, let’s go back to Hotch who is with no doubt an anxious guy. We see him regularly expressing nervous tics when he’s in an uneasy situation for him: he presses his fingers into his fists, he digs his nails into his skin, he bites his lips, etc.

The fact that he’s always wearing the same outfit and that he sticks to a daily routine is typical of anxious people, because it’s a way for them to soothe their anguish. The shyness is also a factor of anxiety and, we see it, that outside of a professional context, Aaron is not the coolest person ever: he’s clumsy with Jack, he’s clumsy with Beth, he’s clumsy with this woman Dave pushes into his arms, etc. Actually, he’s uneasy every time he’s not protected anymore by his suit and his FBI badge. He’s uneasy when he has to go out of his comfort zone and when he’s facing random events he can’t control.

Besides, Hotch says to Derek that he’s writing his subordinates’ reports for them. He adds that it’s to give his agents more free time – it’s probably the official reason he gives to himself – but, for real, it’s because, as an anxious guy, it reassures him.

Peculiar sense of humor

When Hotch tried to motivate his men to throw at him his worst defaults, he started saying he has no sense of humor.

But, for real, he has one. His humor is really dry: he says his humorous lines with the same monochord tone as usual and his face shows no sign that could help people around to guess that it’s supposed to be fun. So, you really need to know him well to catch that.

Hotch: "I'm wearing it [his cape]"

But he clearly has a sense of humor: we can see it with JJ, with Beth, with Spencer, with Dave, etc. Haley asked him, as her last words, to show their son how funny he can be, how he was able to make her laugh. He can also be very sarcastic, which is another form of humor.

He’s able to understand puns too because we can see him smile and laugh multiple times, but we can also notice that sometimes he takes the lines right to the letter (S04E07).

And autistic people don’t necessarily have the same sense of humor than neurotypical people: they can laugh on something that won’t be funny for neurotypicals or not laugh on something that will make other people laugh (ex: the remark about the flowers in the middle of a crime scene).

Huge knowledges

It’s a point I put very low on the list because as he always avoids the light, Hotch doesn’t expose his real knowledge (on the reverse, Spencer talks a lot about what he knows, not necessarily at the best time). But we can guess, paying very attention, that the guy is quite clever.

First of all, we hear him quoting books or recognizing quotes, exactly like Spencer. Which means that he memorized precisely what he has read. Which is not easy at all (try to quote me a book you love you’ve read ten years ago. Difficult, isn’t it?).

Then, we catch from one spare line here and there that he has many knowledges: he collected pennies when he was a kid, he knows the meaning of tarot card, he recognizes the scale model of a James Bond car, he knows theatre (even if he was a poor actor), etc.; it’s quite an heterogenous knowledge but he can spill it anytime it’s needed.

And we can’t forget that he was in law school to become a federal prosecutor, which induce that he studied for years and that he has to remember a ton of laws for all the country.

Ability to understand autistic people

Hotch is, at multiple times, the only one able to follow Spencer complicate reasonings. Now, Spencer is undoubtedly autistic (and if you think he’s not, I invite you to rewatch the show). What can make us think that he can understand him because he has the same way of thinking.

---

With all this, we can add his singular way of speaking (monochord tone, polished language), the fact that he doesn’t talk about his feelings to his relatives (there was clearly a communication issue between him and Haley), and his huge empathy for his subordinates (about whom he worries a lot all the time).

Actually, you have to keep in mind that a good part of this troubles can be explained by his rough childhood he seems to have had (“seems” because the only real thing we know is that his father was unfaithful, period), his anxiety, and his natural shyness too.

But, for me, he’s autistic and he doesn’t know it. It’s not the reason why I felt for him (this point of view hit me way after I started to write about him) and it doesn’t make him any sexy-er or something, it’s just a part of his character I add to the pile of the many aspects of his personality. It’ll be briefly treated in my main CM fanfic: “Code Name: Mom”, but deeply treated in my two Hotchniss fanfics. So, don’t be surprised if you read from time-to-time innuendos about his neuro-divergency, it’s on purpose.

And happy autism acceptance month everyone! 😊

(And remember, this is a personal point of view, you perfectly have the right to think differently. ;) )

#criminal minds #aaron hotchner #hotch #agent hotchner #autism

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blueicequeen19 · 2 years

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Hi! Can I request a darkish rafe x pogue reader where they're on the ship at the end of season two and reader basically sacrifices herself and distracts rafe and offers to stay on the ship with him so the others can escape? Thank you 😊

Distraction

"I'll stay. I'll distract Rafe, you find Sarah and get to the lifeboat." I push my cousin towards the door, giving him no opportunity to argue. John B opens his mouth to protest but we quickly hear footsteps so I give him another push, pleading with my eyes for him not to push this. He nods before climbing up the ladder and disappearing. I take a deep breath, pushing thoughts of JJ out of my mind as I walk in the direction of the footsteps instead of away.

I round the corner the same time Rafe does and his face darkens. I turn to run but he catches me around the waist, hauling me through the first door he finds. It appears to be someone's cabin.

"Where's John B?" Rafe demands, shoving me down on the chair.

"I don't know!" I shout and Rafe grips my face harshly.

"You're lying. Where did he go?" Rafe growls and I shake my head, my cheeks hurting from his grasp.

"It doesn't matter, Rafe. You won. You got the cross and the gold." Rafe shakes his head before releasing his hold on me.

"I'm going to kill all your friends. Starting with John B then JJ." Rafe moves to the door and I jump to my feet, catching his arm.

"Rafe, wait." I press my body against his, his eyes slowly taking me in. I slide my hand up his chest, feeling all the defined muscle beneath his shirt before letting my hand graze over the bulge in his shorts. He places his hand over mine, making me squeeze his length while not tearing his gaze away from mine.

"You're trying to distract me." Rafe snarls and I shake my head, stroking him through his shorts.

"No. I want you, Rafe. I've always wanted you." I swallow the lump in my throat, popping the button on his pants and he lets out a breath. JJ pops in my head but I push it away. I had to buy them time.

"Are your Pogues not fucking you right?" Rafe's voice is gruff as I slip my hand in his boxers, finding his impressive length and stroking him root to tip. My hands threatened to shake but I forced myself to push through.

"No one is fucking me right." I flirt and Rafe licks his lips, looking down to see my hand moving in his pants.

"Take it out and get on your knees, Pogue." I slowly do as he says, his cock bobbing in my face as I look up at him. "Such a pretty mouth. Open it." Rafe grips my chin and I obey, feeling the heat from his flesh against my lips. I suck the tip while stroking his shaft, his fingers tangling in my hair. Rafe pushed further and further into my throat until I was gagging but he gave me no room to breathe. I dig my nails into his thighs but he doesn't seem phased as he starts to fuck my face. Tears fill my eyes, my scalp burning from his hands while saliva runs down my chin.

"If you're going to offer yourself up to distract me, I might as well get my money's worth." I gag again just as Rafe shoves himself further down my throat, spewing his hot cum like a faucet. I can't stop gagging even though I'm forced to swallow him down. Rafe groans loud and long before hauling me to my feet and forcing me over the arm of the couch by the door. I'm light headed from the lack of oxygen as he yanks my shorts down my legs. He cups my pussy, rubbing me hard and fast until I'm a whimpering mess, my slick running down my thighs. I hated that I was enjoying this.

"Look how wet you are, you little Pogue bitch. You want this. If only JJ could see you now." I open my mouth to protest when he slams into me, my body collapsing. Rafe keeps a firm grip on my hips, fucking me hard. The couch moves and slams against the wall with each powerful thrust.

"Fuck, Rafe." I cry, stroking my clit as a powerful orgasm hits me all too suddenly.

"I'm going to fucking ruin you. You'll be running back to me for more. That fucking prick won't be able to satisfy you like I do."

"Shut up, Rafe." I snap, anger mixing with desire in my gut. Rafe yanks me upright by my hair, his hand tightly over my throat as his hips slap against my ass. I can’t breathe as my eyes start to roll back.

"You bought them time but I'm still going to kill them. And when I'm done with your pussy, I'll kill you too. Killing is nature."

#smutwarning #rafecameron #rafe cameron smut #dark!fic #dark!rafe cameron #tw dark content #outer banks smut #outer banks x reader #rafe x you

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ellies-enrichment · 8 months

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I don't think I will be able to survive tv Tommy being left alone and miserable like in the game 😭😭😭😭😭😭

Like getting shot and Maria leaving him

Although they might change it since he is now expecting to become a father bc it would be really weird if both Maria and Dina leave the Millers with their young children bc they kept obsessing over killing Abby

Hope this makes sense lmao 😑

This makes sense dont worry it makes so much sense that it activated my Tommy is my Favorite Miller gene and I'm gonna word vomit

If it makes you feel better, I like to believe it was actually a mutual decision and that it wasnt necessarily Maria's. It doesnt make it better but all things considered, he begged her in the note he left to keep Ellie safe and not let her follow him. I can only Imagine how much he talked to her about it in person before leaving and because she let Ellie and Dina go(encouraged them to), Jesse died. He had two hurt kids, himself, no horses, and Jesse's body that he had to drag back to Jackson (someone said it was a few weeks on horseback & they were definitely on foot at this point) It's a messy situation but I truly do believe that it WAS a mutual decision in the game for them to break up. It was Mutual or it was Tommy in my mind.

I can't handle either Tommy or Ellie being broken and alone when all they have is the other so I'm desperately hoping that gets changed somewhere so at least maybe at the end they come back together. The way they end things badly makes me upset more than anything and I understand why Tommy was frustrated but I hope he and Ellie will be okay in the show

I also think since Maria is having a kid that they wont do JJ. I think they'll trade JJ for TJ because I can't see them having two babies. Idk why it just seems unreasonable to me. Ever since that episode I've been like "oh well rip Jesse Joel its Tommy jr now" I dont know how that will work for Ellie and Dina in a time jump but I hope Tommy and Maria can at least figure out their issues for this.

ALSO tv Maria is worse(tm) when it comes to rules than game Maria. Ellie shouldn't get permission from her it would feel wrong. (Preferably she'll leave with Tommy but he wouldnt let her do that) so Ellie leaves without permission and Tommy and Maria can't argue about her letting Ellie, Dina, and Jesse get into trouble.

Again though, having a baby may change her attitude. She might be like "bring the dumbass home so my kid isnt fatherless" in front of Ellie, the once again orphan.

The writers have themselves a sticky situation I'm not even on surface thoughts ive spent so much time thinking about how season 2 Tommy is going to be and how the whole situation with Abby will play out

#i want a solo tommy episode with joel flashbacks or im automatically disappointed #ive seen a lot of talk about skipping or shortening the time jump (top 10 reasons why they shouldnt do that)#i have thoughts about show ellie's grief and how she and dina work (spoiler its not a good outlook)#there is so much i must discuss #and its so hard to get my brain focused on one topic #BUT i agree with you i cant handle seeing tommy tv alone so i hope the ending is a little lighter for him and ellie #anonymous #asks #i adore the show i want to keep adoring the show #i'm sure i'll love it regardless of what happens because ive claimed it a comfort show due to reasons #my goal is to not judge too harshly unless they skip the time jump and send a 15yo to seattle #then its fair game

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dylansslutt · 2 years

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moving on 5/ j.m r.c

part five my loves finishing this off and then with the new season might bring it back lol

warnings: violence, obsessive and abusive rafe ,

long awaited i hope you enjoy.

after john b was accused for murder and him and sarah left over seas. things were over the top messy. yet the only sane thing was having jj, he kept everything going for you.

rafe was distant, so not having to deal with him let you breathe. until things got hectic with pope and the return of the thought so dead to be sarah and john b.

during the grief, jj was bad, real bad. you tried to help him cope, keeping on his ass about certain shit. even once leading to a huge arguments, the two of you in tears at the end.

but when his hand cupped your cheek, wiping the fallen tears. eyes boring into yours he knew at that moment. he was deeply inlove with you and there was nothing he could do about it.

“i really think the gods sent me you.” the soft words made you giggle, leaning more so into his touch.

“promise me, you’ll never leave.” you begged hope filling through you. in an instance his lips devoured yours, pulling away moments later.

“after all this shit? you are stuck with me!” he swoops you into his arms, smile spreading across your lips with laughter escaping.

“oh you gotta be jokin’.” sitting up fully feeling panic arise within you. you knew rafe would go this insane. kidnapping you and sarah, but now it all clicked.

ward was the craziest mother fucker out here.

“sarah, please tell me im just high as a kite!” you beg as she watches you in despair, the same thing she feels. yet, the panic in you was... what is going to happen.

after stating you were his and telling jj about it, things shifted. jj was more protective, rafe more distant but eyes always watching you. yet, after everything went crazy things were less worried about, until now.

god you wanted to be sick, wishing this was some sick nightmare.

“hey sweetie.” he spoke soft, your eyes glued onto sarah who looks horrified. why is it everytime they have something going on, im here?

“it’s me. i know this is impossible to you, but i am going to explain-” sarah slaps him across the face, making you snicker softly.

“you’re right, im sorry. i deserve that, i do. i know i do. you have been through hell, and that’s my fault. im sorry i-” he begs but i stand up cutting him off.

“you are literally the most insane fucking person i’ve ever met.” throwing an ‘sorry’ look to my best friend. ward ignores me as sarah plops down on the couch with a horrified look on her face, my heart aching for her.

“i can promise you. i didn’t have any other choice.” he kneels, “i didn’t and i dont expect you to understand that now. all i can do is tell you what happened and answer the questions.”

glaring at the man, “uhh, question? why the fuck am i here? i have a family, life, friends, a boyfriend.” tears well up in my eyes, gaining attention from ward.

“i needed to make sure my family was all together, all together and safe.” ignoring sarahs cries he points at me.

“you have a opportunity for a better life, y/n. not living like those dirty pogues, with my son and with a real future.” you stumble back knees hitting back against the seat, plopping down on top of it.

“oh my god.” sarah makes eye contact with me in horror, tears streaming down both our faces. your heart thumped wildly and you felt numb.

as ward explains how he faked killed himself, you start looking around the room for anything; a way out, a weapon, gun, key. as the conversation starts to end, rafe appears at the door making you freeze.

his eyes glue onto you but shifts over to sarah and ward, “but i had to make sure rafe got away.” me and sarah heads both lift up at that.

“thank you dad.” rafe calls out. oh my god these people are sick, he just covered up his sons murder with faking his own death what the fuck.

“atleast one of us is faithful.” he glares towards sarah, not without glancing to me.

“that’s psychopathic, both of you.” she spat at him. my eyes remains on the boy, his glare sending a horrible feeling over me.

“like father like son,” you mumble as his eyes roam you up and down. holding an emotion you couldn’t decipher. you look around the room to escape his gaze. your stomach twisted, the heat in the room rises.

tears slide down your cheek, staring at the men before you. “i’d rather die, then ever be apart of your sick disgusting family.“ you spat

rafe sighs, walking off as ward just gives me a stern look. you knew sarah didn’t take your words to heart, but you were just kidnapped and offered up as fucking bait.

it’s pretty obvious my emotions right now.

after they left rose came in and sarah came up with a plan to escape, she pushes me first through the door and you dash off. turning back seeing sarah not too far behind, “go! we need to find a phone.”

turning right running down a short hall as sarah heads the opposite way. you quickly come to a dead end, cursing to yourself. turning back towards sarah direction, you come close but freeze.

she got caught, quickly shoving myself behind something to stay hidden you wait. no clue what the fuck to do, you look around able to glance at the ocean, no land, no phone, no nothing.

stress arises through you, “okay, y/n... breathe.”

pushing yourself out, quickly moving towards the complete opposite way. trying to be quiet, you hear wards voice from above. okay sarah and him must be up there, upper level.

turning the hall, you making direct eye contact with rafe. heart dropping in your stomach, you dash around running as fast as you can. stairs that led downstairs was the best option, skipping steps to avoid him.

almost losing him you turn too fast on a corner, hand flying out to stable yourself. instead you grab a burning hot metal pipe, making you scream out in pain.

you trip falling completely back, hand clutched close to your chest. rafe steps out into view. a whimper escapes your lips, trying to scoot back.

“please, rafe.” you were begging at this point, completely terrified. “i-i never wanted to hurt you. im tr-trying to protect you!” he yells over me.

the range of his tone made you shake visibly under me. “protecting me by hurting me? that’s not love rafe!”

his hand grips your foot, yanking you closer, directly under him. “you think you know love? huh y/n? with that pogue boyfriend of yours!”

you go to push him away but you forgot about your hand making you sob. rafe stops for a second, glancing at your hand. “let me see.”

you try to move away but he grips you closer, “ATTENTION!” red lights blare across the boat making rafe distracted. you kick him in the balls before scrambling up and running away.

“fuck!” his voice was heard but you didn’t stop until you found a good spot to hide for a moment. you try to regulate your breathing, but your breathe hitch at the sight of your hand.

it was red and blistered, some skin even completely raw. looking down at your tank top, you rip some of the bottom. looking around you manage to see a small wooden spoon.

placing it between your lips, you wrap your hand as delicately as you can. the speaker was still going off which was weird. when you finished you keep the spoon in your good hand, incase as you head towards the top of the boat.

turning the corner you slam into someone, your eyes lifting to catch the last person you thought you’d see. “john b?”

his arms wrap around you instantly, tears brimming. “i-is sarah with you?”

you nod, “yes, but we got lost. ward has her john b, i think.” he analyzes your face.

“are you okay, y/n. jesus.” he cups your chin softly to look closer, you shrug him off.

“im fine, who is all here?”

“everyone.”

“okay you go find sarah, ill go find jj and them. be safe john b, im serious.” with a final look you both headed in seperate directions.

passing by the main area to see it empty left you confused. yells coming from the other side, made you rush through the halls to stumble out on the side. “kie!” you scream towards her as she looks at you in awe.

running forward you were surprised when the blunt force of a machete connected with your head. falling forward, dizzy as hell you felt arms grasp you.

everything was doubled and your head pounded, but you stood up. held close to jj, you stumble slightly.

“jj watch o-” jj’s bodies thumps forward, flipping you two over the boat. water immediately soaks you, almost inhaling some of it. you push up to the surface, barely able to notice jj upside down.

“jj.” you push him on his back, resting his weight onto you. the light was too bright and you had no energy. “y/n!”

kie quickly helps grab onto jj, you barely able to stay afloat yourself. “i-im so so-sorry.”

the confession that left you broke kie’s heart, “no! no, y/n.” she begs, but your vision started to spot with black dots.

“kie, im scared. i-i cant stay up.” the words escape you as your head dunks under. kie pulls you up but your arm slips out of her grasp, you struggle up to the top once more.

“im so sorry, guys.” she sobs as she struggles, you try to keep afloat but you finally go under.

you felt yourself being dragged out of the water, “come on y/n!” sarah sobs, patting your back. water escaping your lips, along with deep coughs.

“oh my god.” your eyes flicker, trying to adjust to the lights as you were enveloped into a hug. your eyes finally focus on everyone.

“hurry go!”

“he has a gun!”

everything was brought back as your eyes landed on an unconscious jj, you move forward quickly. landing beside him, hands gripping his face.

“jj!” you tap him softly, “come on, baby. w-wake up, okay.” you began to softly sob, a gunshot goes off just as they get the thing to start.

“jj! come on, pl-please dont leave me.” with that he coughs up water making you laugh.

“wassup?”

“oh my god, never do that again.” you fell on top of his chest, relief spreading through you. even in the middle of nowhere you felt safe with him. anywhere.

#jj maybank smut #JJ Imagine #jj maybank #jj maybank fic #jj maybank imagine #jj maybank x reader #jj maybank fluff #rafe cameron imagine #rafe x y/n #obx rafe #rafe cameron #rafe cameron x reader #outer banks imagine #barry outer banks

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karofsky · 1 year

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okay I know we're two episodes into the season but I have some Theories™️ for anyone that wants to make sense of this batshit tv show

I assume there is some fuckery going on in the timeline; Tabitha mentioned before she took Jug's memories that she is trying to untangle things, so I'm assuming there is a lot of behind-the-scenes on her part, and she is quietly adjusting things without them noticing

That being said, Featherhead is definitely giving me Antagonist Who Knows About The Timeline And Is Trying To Stop Them From Progressing vibes. He seems incredibly keen on keeping the kids in line and away from who they're supposed to be if they want to mend the town. The fact that he so immediately jumped on Cheryl and Toni, as well as was especially concerned about keeping Ethel "pure" (only for her to, you know, immediately fuck THAT up by killing? her parents). I would not be surprised if he's eventually revealed as some corrupted fragment in the timeline

With that, I also am starting to think both Julian and Clay are also not supposed to be there, but are Tabitha's doing? I wonder if they are also guardian angels that she recruited. Julian is especially intriguing because it meant JJ might have had to be taken out in order to steer Cheryl into Toni's direction (rather than towards her obsession with JJ).

And with Clay, I feel like... there's something there. He's almost TOO perfect for Kevin, and I'm wondering if because Moose is MIA (😒) if Kevin can't be with Moose without it spinning the timeline-- which would make SENSE, because Kevin went off the rails after Moose left, and it was only when they were sorted out in the future that they were both in places that made them able to be together again. I'm really hoping this is the case, and not just... them writing Moose out, but who knows with my luck, LOL. It is just weird for him to notably be missing, especially because he was with Kevin when the comet hit.

Actually, Alice ALSO seems to be steering things a little, but I can't tell if that's just because it's who she is in this timeline, or if she is also involved. Maybe she is purposely pushing Kevin and Betty together so Betty inevitably gets her heart broken, and Archie is there to pick up the pieces? And I wonder if Archie choosing Betty over Veronica immediately is what will humble Veronica quicker, and thus steering her towards some better life? Because god knows her existing as she did fucked up a LOT. Like maybe it means keeping Archie away from Hiram?

I'm assuming Hal is still going to end up as the Black Hood-- or at least, he would, should they not sort it out first. Hopefully before he kills Julian, LOL

I'm assuming the timeline fuckery stuff is why Polly is also missing... preventive in case she ended up pregnant again?

I also wonder if, should the timeline be sorted to be safe for them to return, if Jughead is going to stay behind; his Sweet Hereafter was in the 50's, writing comics! I hope this is the case, and he ends up writing Archie. I would cry a lot admittedly LMAO

#rob suffers through riverdale #riverdale

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jezzariddell · 1 year

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I am not surprised that after the frenzy of the first two episodes, I’m not seeing a lot about this episode. Because it’s a table-setting episode and kind of boring, and making a clear difference between this season of Criminal Minds, and previous ones: we’re not going to get someone spelling out the psychology involved:

I noticed this with the last episode, when people were unhappy that the killer was giving people a choice between death and being paralyzed, and they chose death.

The main thing I’m seeing in the current season is that the BAU does not have time, or the script does not have time, to fully process the reasons for what the unsub is doing (I think this might be a plot point, because it bit them in the ass in episode 3). From context, it was very clear that a person who suffered a debilitating physical change wanted to present the people who cut him out of his life with the same issue, but with a choice, a choice the unsub didn’t have. You can be paralyzed and live, or you can die. Hypocrites chose death.

(Real life experience cutting in here: my father can barely feel his feet. I’m probably in the first stages of spinal degeneration. It really does fucking suck, so spare me with “people should be okay with just being paralyzed for life”. If you don’t know how much this actually changes the way you live, you can sit down. Yes, of course, disability is better than dying. But we don’t live in a society that makes this an obvious or easy choice. How many jobs require standing for 8 hours a day? How does your self worth change when your hobby is hiking, or dancing, or roller skating and suddenly your body tells you to do it a different way? In general, we are functionally deprived of this perspective. So yeah, JJ’s response was disappointing. Someone breaking when he had to change wasn’t.)

Anyway, after that tangent, the episode, the table setting. That’s why it’s boring. We did learn a lot in this episode about the plot, a lot about the main villain, that he’s deeply in debt (because it turns out funding murders is expensive. That’s actually a little funny, because it was getting to be a running joke that every killer in Criminal Minds had like...an elaborate kill floor) and getting desperate, that the person they caught this episode was Penelope’s informant, and that we are about to get some episodes about the other two methods of death, likely strangulation and poisoning. Or not, because someone who gave the main unsub a lot of money just jumped the queue. In any case. I really try not to analyze Criminal Minds in a deeper context. I always love the characters, but it’s ultimately just a procedural cop show. I probably have more to say about everything but...for this show I’m usually there for the ride, and I ignore things at my leisure.

There was some really great Tara relationship stuff. Rebecca knew she was putting her career on the line to feed information to the BAU. And I like that even though she was initially freaked out, Tara did see herself moving in with Rebecca (Tara, talk to Penelope please, she needs help). Honestly, I know like, no one understands it, but I love the office politics. If you’re going to have a hedge fund manager with a badge (Prentiss’s words), the maneuvering gives me life.

#criminal minds #criminal minds spoilers #cme spoilers #i'm being careful with tagging because timezones #but i don't pay attention to tags #so I hope it worked

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quillsandtypos · 3 years

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The Edge in Revenge

Words: 3k

Warnings: smut, degradation, female oral receiving, sexual edging, and underage drinking mentioned (NO SEASON 2 SPOILERS, I just started watching season one but I needed to get this out of my head)

Pairings: JJ Maybanks x fem!reader

...........................................

JJ really shouldn’t have been the one to underestimate what you were capable of doing in the name of revenge. He’d been fucking with you all day. It had started that morning, you were alone in his kitchen as the other Pogue’s were still asleep. He had you pinned up against the wall lightly sucking on the side of your neck. As he trailed down to your collarbone he suddenly pulled away. You furrowed your brows at him but he just winked and smirked before he walked away; leaving you wet and confused.

Then later after lunch he managed to get you alone before you and the other pogue’s went out on the water. You were still inside grabbing the cooler, as everyone else was already on the boat. He snuck up behind you unbeknownst to you. You felt his hot breath on his ear. “You need help with that princess?” he asked cockily. You felt his warm cock press against the back of your ass, and his hand was at the small of your back.

“Oh definitely,” you responded eagerly. You turned to him as he easily pulled you in with one arm around your back, and the other at the back of your neck. Your lips interlocked, and you hungrily kissed him back, almost begging for more. But just as the time before, he quickly pulled back. Grabbing the cooler from behind you and heading out the door. With a ‘thanks!’ and a barely contained giggle. Oh he was a dead man, you decided right then that revenge was most definitely an order.

So you came up with the perfect scheme. If he wanted to play that game, then he would quickly learn who he was quite literally playing with.

“Ki,” you said. You quickly pulled her away from the boys. “I need a favor, I need you to get JB and Pope away from JJ.”

“Do I even want to know?” she laughed.

“It’s in the name of revenge,” you offered hopefully. She let out a long fake sigh.

“Hmm, let me think,” she took a long pause.

She cracked a smile. “I’m just kidding, you should’ve started with the revenge part.”

“Yes! Thank you,” you said, hugging her tightly.

“Come on JB, we’re gonna go help Pope with whatever he’s doing in the kitchen,” she said, pulling him along.

“What? Oh, okay,” John agreed confusedly as he awkwardly followed her.

And so then there were two. You casually flopped yourself down on JJ’s lap, who seemed slightly startled at first, but then just wrapped his arms around your waist. As much as it was a sweet gesture, you didn’t sit there to be sweet, so you needed to ruin the moment. Lightly, you rolled your hips back so you went right across his dick, and then rolled forward, making sure to move slowly but applying a small amount of your body weight as pressure. You weren’t certain he was giving you a look that could kill, but you didn’t bother looking. But what you did do was speed up a little bit until you felt his dick grow hard.

Smiling a smug grin you moved to get off of him. But his arms helds you there. He swiftly pulled you down onto his chest so your right ear was directly next to his mouth. “When we are alone next, I’m gonna fuck you till you’re screaming,” he whispered lowly.

You adjusted your head so you could see his face. “As if you could ever have that effect on me,” you smirked.

“Care to up the stakes then? Or are you too chicken?” His eyes gleamed, and at the same time so did your’s.

“Name your price,” you said confidently.

“If I can get you to beg, then you owe me a six pack of beers.”

“That’s it?” you asked, surprised.

He raised his eyebrows, “Fine, a six pack of beers, and you have to go skinny dipping with me next Friday night.”

“But I have to work next Friday,” you suddenly remembered.

“What? Not feelin so cocky now princess? Afraid you’ll lose?” he taunted.

You narrowed your eyes at him. “Of course not. So what do I get if I can make you beg?” You poked him in the chest for emphasis.

“Alright, if you win, then you get me as your personal boat driver, or person who gets you things, or whatever,” he offered.

“You sure that’s quite a high bargain JJ?” you now taunted back.

“Yeah, I’m not worried,” he replied cockily. He offered you his hand to shake and you took it.

“Prepare to be my personal maid,” you said.

“You better prepare to beg,” he countered.

You moved off of him just as your friends came out of the kitchen. “You guys wanna come with, we’re going for a night swim?” Johnny B offered.

“Nah, we might be out later though,” JJ answered before you could.

“Suit yourselves,” Pope shrugged. Kiera sent you a wink before also heading out the door with them.

JJ and you practically booked it to his room as soon as they shut the door. You quickly grabbed a condom from his drawer where you knew them to be by memory. You turned to throw him the condom to see that he was already on his bed with his shirt off. Every piece of your body was drawn to his chest and the way his back muscles looked in the low light, but you weren’t going to let him know that. So you deflected.

“Someone’s eager,” you commented.

“I-” JJ started to defend himself but the comment got stuck in his throat as he watched your movements. You began slipping your shirt off to reveal a black bra that was sheer, and lacy around the straps and underwire area. It pushed your boobs up nicely and accentuated your cleavage perfectly. JJ was a mess.

“This is so not fair,” he groaned, his jaw practically on the floor.

You knew the effect the lingerie would have on him, which is exactly why you picked it. “What? You too chicken J?” you said, using his taunt from earlier.

Your words made him recover quickly. “No, of course not,” he scoffed.

“That's what I thought you’d say,” you smirked. Now you let your jean shorts fall to the floor, so you were able to show your black thong, which was not as fancy looking, but you knew it would practically make JJ lose it.

You were right, he looked like you had placed him under a spell. When he finally snapped out of it, he pointed next to him. “Bed princess. Now.”

He was almost making this too easy. “I don’t know about that. How about please?”

JJ nearly opened his mouth, but quickly caught himself before he could say anything. “Fine, I’ll do it myself,” he smirked. He moved off the bed, to grab you. You tried to avoid his hands, but there wasn’t much room to run around, so he easily caught you. He threw you onto his bed, and you let out a small yelp of surprise. Before you could even think about running off again, he jumped on the bed, flipped you onto your back, and pinned you. His knees were on your hands, effectively keeping you from touching him.

“Are you going to be a good slut and scream for me?” he asked. His face a few inches from yours.

“Not a chance J,” you smiled.

“Have it your way then, but either way, you’ll still be moaning my name.” His arms lowered so he could dip down to kiss a couple inches above your collarbone. His knees still held your hands in place. He sucked hard against your skin, making sure to leave marks.

“Wait, no marks JJ,” you told him.

“Should’ve told me that sooner now everyone’s gonna know that you lost a bet,” he teased.

“In your dreams,” you scoffed.

JJ didn’t have a comment on that, but went back to work leaving you many bruises that you would have to cover the next morning. Oh how you wished your hands could be in his hair at the moment. He made an agonizingly slow trail down to your bra, before removing it and throwing it onto the floor of his room. He then started sucking on one of your breasts letting his lower lip just gently brush against your nipple everytime he sucked above it. He had found out about the spot driving you crazy the first time you had sex, and now you were strongly wishing you had never told him.

You had your mouth clenched rather tightly so that no moans would escape your lips. Unfortunately for you, your boyfriend noticed that.

“Come on y/n, just let it out. You know that no one can make you cum like I do,” he taunted.

Luckily, his temporary break gave you a chance to get control of yourself again. “Fuck off,” you retorted.

“Yeah, that was kinda the plan.” He grinned devilishly.

He must’ve realized that he was not going to get you to break by doing that, and instead moved farther down to pull your panties off.

His head ducked down to your pussy, but he made eye contact just as he did so. “You still feeling cocky?” he asked.

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Alright, then let’s see how long that lasts since you’re such a slut for me,” he said with a wink before ducking his head fully down. He sucked another hickey on the inside of your thigh, and he slowly started licking towards your pussy. You could practically feel his tongue against your clit, but he was taking his sweet time.

“Stop teasing,” you finally groaned out.

“Is that begging I hear?” he questioned.

“No, I’m telling,” you said matter of factly.

“Yes ma’am,” he agreed with a chuckle.

His tongue slowly started lapping across your folds, occasionally flicking along your clit. Oh god you were in heaven, but simultaneously in hell because you couldn’t make a peep. His tongue once again licked across your spot, and you had to slap your hands over your mouth to keep a moan from escaping your lips. You could feel the smirk on his lips, but you weren’t going to let him have the satisfaction of knowing how much he was affecting you.

A few whimpers nearly came out of your body, and your hands were nearly shaking from trying to hold it in. But all of a sudden you realized that letting it out may be to your advantage, hearing your noises of pleasure, always had quite the effect on him.

So you did. Every moan, and whimper you let him hear. He thought that he was getting to you, which truthfully he was, but the game was far from over.

“You’re eating me out so good,” you moaned.

Your plan was already working; you noticed that he started to pick up the pace.

“Oh god JJ!” you screamed as he licked over a good spot on your pussy.

He continued licking in that exact spot which almost made you want to give up the bet right then in there. You felt shivers go through your spine as your core started to heat up but you were too stubborn to lose yet.

“No one fucks me like you do,” you moaned, knowing damn well the effect it would have on him.

Your plan seemed to have worked as he quickly took off his shorts, put on the condom, and just as his cock was about to enter you, you stopped him.

“Beg,” you insisted.

“Y/n fucking pl-” You had nearly had him, but he managed to stop himself before the words tumbled out.

You smirked, as he finally realized what you were doing. He however was now hell bent on making you lose. JJ climbed back on top of you with new vigor. “You’re smart, which is exactly why breaking you will be so much more fun,” he taunted. His head went back down again.

Your hands entangled in his hair as he went back to licking every single nook and cranny that he could find. “Fuck,” you whimpered as he once again licked your even more sensitive clit. You could feel the tension burning in your core, and a tingling sensation starting to spread all over. You started to buck your hips from the stimulation, and JJ was quick to force you back down. As his flicking became more rapid, you felt your body start to tense up.

“JJ I’m gonna-” you had started, but suddenly he had stopped.

“Beg,” he told you. And as much as you wanted to give in you were determined to knock the cocky grin off his face.

You sat up on your elbows. “Make me.”

JJ looked delighted by your answer. “That’s fine I got all night.”

“Inside me JJ,” you told him. You knew he wanted to make you beg for that as well, but you knew that he wanted to be inside you more.

He thrusted his cock into you and you did your best not to slide backwards from him pushing into you. “Oh my god you’re so wet for me, you really have been waiting.”

After he had checked on you he began slowly thrusting into you, going deep into you. “Oh shit,” he moaned. He would have to explain a lot of scratches across his back tomorrow but quite frankly you didn’t care.

“JJ!” you half moaned, half screamed as he went down again.

“You’re such a dirty slut for me aren’t you?” he taunted you.

You wanted to have some sort of retort but all that came out of your mouth was another moan, which just egged him on more.

“Come on, I know you’re tempted.”

Truthfully, you were extremely tempted, but you could surely outlast him right? But then you had an idea, he couldn’t stop it if he didn’t know what was coming. So as you felt your body starting to be strung out again you did you best to keep your breathing the same, and to not move around as much. But just as you felt the tension building he stopped.

“JJ?” you groaned in confusion.

“You seriously don’t think I don’t know when you’re going to have an orgasm?” he laughed. He pushed his hair out of his face and grinned down at you.

“Y/n you might as well just give up now, and spare yourself,” he suggested.

Collecting what small amount of strength you had left you said “Not a chance.”

“Don’t say I didn’t warn you,” he smirked.

The warning was evidently very necessary, your whole body was starting to feel ten times more sensitive than it usually did. Every thrust sent a wave of pleasant goosebumps through your body. Your legs were shaking, and your voice was admittedly starting to go away. Your body felt like it was screaming that it wanted to orgasm. He started to slow down, but you were so close. You attempted to buck your hips into his to get the feeling back but he held you down. With a satisfactory grin on his face, that you needed it so bad.

“You’re not getting an orgasm unless you beg and we both know that I could fuck you for hours,” he taunted.

“Fine, fine, fine, please, please, please let me cum J, please. I am begging you,” you whined.

“That’s all you had to say princess,” he smirked. Finally his pace picked back up, to a more rapid one.

“Fuck you feel so good,” you moaned to him. There was no point keeping it in now. Your hips bucked in rhythm with his, as he moved in and out. But his rhythm slowed down as what you recognized as his climax.

“Oh god,” you heard him say as it finally hit him. His moans of pleasure only sped up your’s. “Fuck,” he moaned on top of you. But he managed to push himself back up to go down into you a couple more times for you to reach your climax.

Your whole body felt like it was on fire with tingles. The feeling spread from your stomach to your breasts to throughout your whole body. Your legs began to shake and you couldn't form words anymore. The only coherent thought you could form was how good you felt. Even after you had reached your climax, you had a sense of euphoria that you just couldn’t shake.

Eventually, you felt JJ start to move out of you, and you both whimpered slightly from how sensitive you were. You saw him take the condom off and throw it away. You lay in bed, still breathing heavily.

“Give me your hand, we’re going to the bathroom,” he said sweetly, but insistently. You groaned but you didn’t protest.

After you had used the toilet, you both flopped back down in his bed. It was quiet for a couple minutes before JJ spoke up.

“You know I’m really excited to see what beers you get me,” he teased.

“Shut up,” you laughed, lightly smacking him in the arm.

He lightly smacked you back. “Oh and don’t forget to call off for Friday tomorrow morning,” he grinned.

“I hate you,” you said as you rolled over.

“I love you,” he said sweetly, as he wrapped his arms around your midsection.

He always had a way of making you happy. “Love you too J,”

“Goodnight princess,” he said as he kissed your cheek.

“Goodnight JJ.” And you quickly fell fast asleep in his arms.

Needless to say, the other pogue’s weren’t worried that you never came outside. They knew where they would find the two of you the next morning.

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obxjj · 3 years

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the way we heal | jj maybank

- pairings: jj maybank x reader

- summary: people deal with trauma in different ways but it seems that jj thinks you don't care about the loss of your friends and deep down himself but he just needs to understand that people heal in their own time and through their own meanings, he just needed to be reassured of it. kinda pre season 2 ep 1 give ot take

- warning(s): really motherfucking angsty and swearing. mention of substance abuse

- wc: 2.2k :))))

a/n: all my fics the pogues and reader are the age 17/18 only because that's more comfortable for me to write. its been a long long time since i have wrote something so sorry for and spelling errors

People tend to deal with trauma differently. It could be resulting to crying you eyes out until you can’t breath and you can’t see through your tears clouding your eyes. Drinking until your liver wants to shut down and you whole body is so numb that yourself and everyone around you is so tuned out that you can’t function. Resulting to drugs to either feel something or not to feel anything at all. Or to have something to blame your actions on from yourself acting out simply because you don’t know how to handle the situation of a friend dying.

See you on the other hand dealt with it internally or the whim and feeling of not accepting death. Maybe it was your subconscious talking wanting you not to accept or maybe it was the gut feeling that you always got telling you that they were actually alive and have survived that storm that ‘supposedly’ had swept them away because “no body was found”.

This ‘gut feeling’ had always been right in many life or death situations. Or even just you picking out an outfit that you were unsure of whether it was going to get the boys attention that you had a crush on. It did indeed get his attention that night because that’s how you ended up loosing your virginity that night but that’s besides the point.

The best way you could describe it was like when people would do personality tests and it would ask “are you controlled by your heart or what you feel” probably not those exact words but you get the point. I felt with my feelings if my gut said yes then it was a yes.

Since the night that John B and Sarah had ‘died’ your gut had been telling you the opposite. That they were in fact not dead. As Big John use to say when you were a kid, you can never kill a Routledge. At the time it seemed like bullshit but now it was starting to grow on you.

However now your two friends were presumed dead and not everyone dealt with trauma like you did. Some would even go as far to say that you didn’t actually give a fuck that your friends were dead because you hadn’t cried or you hadn’t drunk yourself into a state of no return or resulted to smoking weed every single day and spray painted ‘murder’ on Ward Cameron’s estate. But at least Kiara wasn’t lying.

But the thing was you hadn’t cried because you couldn’t, you quite literally hated crying because it made you feel weak. Even if you tried and you tried your hardest but nothing came. At this point you could go as far as denial. This gut feeling was like getting hit by a semi truck every time a thought came into your head questioning maybe they were dead. Maybe they did get swept away at sea and never to return.

Your gut feeling was simply not letting you mourn the loss of John B and Sarah and now everyone thought you were an emotionless bitch. I mean they were right to a point but not the whole point.

So that brought you to current day driving around the Cut and night playing fucking real life Where’s Wally but its Where’s JJ Maybank because he’s blacked out drunk somewhere and now you’re on a rescue mission. Not like you had done enough of those in the last few weeks.

About an hour ago your phone rang and it was JJ asking you to come pick him up since somehow he had now idea where he had ended up and was too far gone to put together his surroundings. Well that’s what you had assumed he said since you had to decipher his slurred words.

At this point you had driven around the whole island and gone to every hid out spot that he would go smoke at or to just get away from everyday life. You had gone to all but one place. Where you avoiding that particular house because it held so many memories, plus the fact you hadn’t been near the place since shit hit rock bottom. Yes? But it was the highest chance that JJ was sitting on that dock with his legs swinging over it with a beer in hand.

Well you were right. As you walked down the old dock to where JJ was sitting it was if you could feel all the emotions, thoughts and disbelief crawling their way up your skin from the ground you were walking on. But that gut feeling was like a wave of fire, burning it all the way back to the ground.

“I don’t know why I just didn’t look here first. I should have known aye” you half heartedly said trying to keep the conversation light since you didn’t know what state JJ was going to be in. From the huff you got in response told you he wasn’t in the mood to talk.

“How much have you had J?” You asked with concern but still trying to keep you voice light and less reprimanding because you knew he was in a too fragile state for you to be angry.

“Does it even matter how much Iv had. I don’t feel shit anymore” he replied back with his words straight forward and sobered.

“Well have you even given yourself a break for your body to sober up for you to even feel the effects of it? Or have you still been going since yesterday when I saw you? J its not going to do shit if you don’t give it a rest for at least a day or so” you said back trying you best to keep you and your voice as calm as possible. You fucking hated seeing JJ like this, you would never say it to his face but fuck it just reminded you of his dad when he got into states like this. Until the last week you had never seen JJ this bad. But could you blame him.

“You just don’t get it do you” JJ was now facing you and by the tone of his voice you had unintentionally struck a nerve that you were actively avoiding. “Why did you even fucking come if you’re just going to tell me how I should cope. Do you even care that JB has gone? He was our best fucking friend. He was my fucking brother my only family! And he’s fucking gone just like his old man. You haven’t even shed a tear y/n. You’re just acting like nothing had happened. Do you even care!” JJ was now on his feet breathing heavily and his jaw so clenched you’re surprised his teeth haven’t broken

“J, please do not yell at me right now” you asked with your voice shaking trying to hold back something that was bubbling at the surface. Was it anger or was it the water works that desperately needed to be let out.

JJ started to walk back up the dock, showing that he was done with this conversation that he could have avoided if he didn’t ask you in the first place to come pick him up. Deep down he knew that you would be the only one to come and get him, he just wasn’t as good at showing his gratefulness due to the alcohol that was numbing him.

“JJ just wait please, please don’t walk away” You stood back up and starting walking after him quick on the backs of his feet. He halted his tracks and turned around to look at you with a pained look in his face, as you got up close you could see his eyes stained red. Either from crying or the linger of weed still in his system.

“What could you possibly want to say y/n. I really thought you would be the last person not to care about this” JJ was now right up in your face and his voice was holding back trying his best not to yell. But that last sentence had taken you back.

“You think I don’t care JJ!” now you starting yelling “of course I give a shit JJ our friends are gone, they are not fucking here. I know it might not seem that I don’t care. But just because I’m not crying my eyes out every hour or drinking myself into a state where I don’t now where the fuck I am or getting high that I spray paint on any wall I see” your breath was now battling to come to the surface because you were talking so fast.

“Just because Im not doing any of those things doesn’t mean I don’t care JJ! People deal with this shit differently and you need to understand that” you breathed out trying to grasp for air again “the thing is JJ I have this annoying gut feeling thats telling me that John B and Sarah are not dead, and its literally preventing me to mourn them. I have convinced myself that they are alive and I can’t fucking mourn non dead people J. I don’t know how to fucking explain it”

“Well why didn’t you just tell us that” he replied after bit letting your whole rant sink into his brain, weaving its way through the alcohol that was clouding it.

“Because JJ! Even saying that out loud I sound fucking crazy, like I’m in a deep pit of denial. The thing is I’m far from denial. Yes I know there is a massive fucking fat chance that they are dead and have been food for the sharks” you exclaimed

“Don’t make it worse y/n” JJ shook his head not very happy with your choice of words

“Okay yeah sorry bad wording. Im sorry” you lowered your head in sorrow wanting to slap yourself in the face for trying to make jokes out of trauma.

“So its not that I don’t care J, trust me I do care. But John B and Sarah are not physically here with us and I cant physically care for them right now. But when we see them can do that”

“Y/n -“ JJ tried to get a word in but you hadn’t finished

“Don’t JJ. We will see them again” you put an emphasis on ‘will’ “I trust my gut and even you know that when I get a gut feeling that it’s always been right. Correct?”

“Yes but -“ he tried to get another word in but you needed him to listen.

“JJ I care about you. I care about Kiara and Pope. You guys are physically here for me to care for. The thing is I haven’t spoken to Kie since she’s with Pope half the time and I have spoken to Pope since he’s with Kid half the time and you? I can’t speak to you because your too far gone in beers to for me to even get a coherent conversation in” This was such an over due conversation to be had, you were now on the verge of hyperventilating. You needed JJ to hear this. Fully sober would have been better but half sober is the best you’re gonna get.

“JJ I understand if that’s how you’re going to deal with all of this but you can’t throw yourself completely away. We need you. I need you JJ. I can’t have you going off the deep end and then we loose you too. You need to be here for when we get John B back. He will need you for when he’s back”. The water works that you had been holding back had finally been released and trust it to be in front of JJ. He was your fucking rock, you couldn’t loose him. No way that would be your last day on earth if that were to happen.

“I-. Im sorry. I’m just so fucking lost y/n. I don’t know what the fuck to do. You’re always at work and Kie and Pope are god knows where. I just want this to go away so fucking bad. All this pain, I feel like I have no one” JJ was now crying to and gripping your waist as is you could float away into the air

“I know JJ, but you have us you have always had us. But you have to be so stubborn sometimes that you won’t let us in and help, you won’t let me in a help you” you had JJ’s face in your hands making him look at you so he knew you meant every single word. “I’m so sorry if you didn’t think I cared and I wasn’t there to help you, I just deal with this shit in a different way. Just like every single other person. We all heal differently and that’s okay. It dosent mean we care less. It doesn’t mean I care less”

Now there you and JJ stand on the dock leading off the chateau both in each others embrace purging the pain that’s both been locked up inside you for so long. The past you and JJ had people really didn’t tend to understand but neither did you. But you would always find your way back to each other at the end of the day. Despite the fights you had in the past and the days you would be at each others throats screaming at each other to the days you would be secretly stealing a glance at him because you just couldn’t help yourself.

You would always be there to help him take the pain away and he was always be there to do the same for you.

#jj maybank x reader #jj maybank x y/n #jj maybank fanfiction #jj maybank #outerbanks #outerbanks fanfic #obx #outerbanks season 2 #jj maybank imagine

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marvelcriminalhoe · 2 years

Text

Stumbling West

Aaron Hotchner x Female Reader

Chapter 27

Unusual Ailment

i.e. Season 11 Episode 1

TW: Kind of a big time jump (8 months), Typical criminal minds case talk, that should be it.

AN: This took me a minute to actually write. Idk what it was about this chapter but I just didn't like how it flowed. I tried rewriting it but kept having trouble so I figured I should just post it and move on to the next. One bad chapter every now and then isn't the end of the world :)

word count: 2,045

Series Masterlist

The last 8 months have been, long, to say the least. It started with Kate leaving the BAU, you were happy for her and her family, but sad to see your friend go. JJ announced she was pregnant and had her second son, a very joyous occasion, but making the team down 2 members in the field. You had plenty of birthdays to celebrate, Charlotte turning 2, Jack turning 10, Aaron turning 43. The team closed lots of cases and had long nights of paperwork with the numbers down.

Yeah, it’s been an eventful 8 months, that has kept you very busy. So when you wake up this morning, a bit under the weather, you can only blame yourself for running yourself ragged. Your tired, like really tired, you have a blinding headache, you think you actually feel your brain throb, and the smell of Aaron’s coffee wafting in from the kitchen makes you want to hurl. You groan, standing from the bed and making your way to the bathroom, hopping a hot shower might make you feel better. It does wake you up, and popping a few ibuprofen makes your headache bearable.

You walk out of your room when you're done, seeing Aaron with both the kids at the kitchen table, everyone dressed and ready for the day. Aaron smiles as he spots you, “Morning, honey.” He stands from where he was seated, next to Charlie, helping her eat her morning apple sauce. “I was just coming to wake you. Seemed tired this morning so I thought I’d let you sleep in a bit more.” He kisses the side of your head, putting his and Jack’s plates in the sink.

“Thank you, I needed it.” You reply, pouring yourself some tea from the fridge. You grab a banana on your way yo sit at the table. You’re not hungry, and your stomach is still churning a bit, but you know you need to eat, and bananas can help with nausea, something you've learned in high school when your period was bad.

You start to peal the banana, turing to Jack who is seated next to you, “Did you finish your math?”

“Yep!” He beams at you, “Dad said I got all of them right when he checked it.” You smile at his excitement, knowing he has been working extra hard this year, “Great job bud! Just means you’ll do great on your test, Thursday.”

The rest of the morning goes by without a hitch. It’s a rare morning that you and Aaron get to drive together to work instead of separately. Dropping off Jack at school and Charlotte with your sister-in-law, you and Aaron enjoy the silence for the rest of the ride, the comfortable blanket surrounding you. Aaron holds your hand as you look out the window, feeling his dumb draw shapes on your skin. These quite moments are few and far between lately, an it’s nice to just bask in it.

You turn your face away from the passing scenery to your husband, “How many interviews do you have today?”

Aaron sighs, “A few. I’m going to try and get through as many as I can during the down hours.”

“I’ll make sure to drop you off some lunch in between.” You squeeze his hand.

He looks over to you, pulling into the parking garage, “Thank you, love.” Bringing your hand up and kissing the back of it, before letting go, putting the car in park.

a few hours later, you walk into the conference room, Rossi and Derek having just gotten back, “Is it the same unsub?”

“Yeah,” Rossi looks up from the file on the table, “Two kills on two coasts in two days.”

“This guy’s on a mission,” Derek informs, the rest of the team walking in, “He’s not going to rest till it’s complete.”

“Then neither will we.” Aaron declares.

Penelope pouts behind him, “But we’re down two profilers.”

“Our 5 brains against his one, my moneys still on us.” Rossi comforts her.

“Lets get to work.” Aaron orders, everyone sitting down, ready to go over the case.

“Well, this doesn't clear up much.” Rossi complains, looking through the folders of the victims lives on the table in front of him, with you and Reid, “Vic number one was a divorced dad who got custody of his kids.”

“And number two was the local drug supplier.” Reid recites.

“So if the question is, what connects these two guys, the answer is, nothing.” Rossi sighs.

Your brows furrow, crossing our arms as you lean back in your seat, “We never would have even connected them if it wasn't for the face paint. So why would he do that?”

“To taunt us,” Rossi shrugs, “Feel superior.”

“It’s obviously a message, and my assumption is that it has something to do with the mouth, cause look at this.” Reid grabs a book off his desk, flipping through it. You and Rossi walk to either side of him, looking at the contents of the page he stops on.

“The colors of the Pulcinella are oddly inverted.” He shows you the picture, “Traditionally the character has a black face but a white jaw. He’s painting it the other way around.”

“You said that this character was the precursor to today’s clown because he could t speak, right?” Rossi questions.

Reid nods, “Yeah, that’s right.”

“So he was also the first mime, too.” Rossi states.

“Very much so.” Reid agrees, “Which means…”

You and Rossi watch as it dawns on Reid’s face. “Oh!”, sharing an amused look.

“Oh, indeed, Mr.Genius.” You joke, ruffling his hair.

“Okay so, a week ago, this man stumbles into the Atlantic City ER,” Garcia puts up a mug shot of the unsub onto the case bored in the middle of the bullpen. The team are the only ones there, it being so late at night now. “Having been shot in the jaw. Can’t give them his name ‘cause of the whole shot in the mouth thing, but his fingerprints lit up the Rome police database like a Christmas tree.”

“Italian.” Rossi’s voices, “That explains the Pulcinella influence.”

Garcia dramatically nods, “Yeah. They were able to get a name— Giuseppe Montolo, but by the time Jersey PD got there, Montolo had been patched up and made his escape.”

“And now he’s on some type of payback gig.” You rub your temples. Your headache from this morning,

or is it considered yesterday morning at this point?,

Either way, it's back with a vengeance. You open your eyes again to see Aaron giving you a worried look. You try and send him a smile, but with the feeling of nails piercing your skull, it’s more of a grimace.

“He has no idea, who double crossed him, so now he’s killing every customer that he suspects might have done it.” Derek reiterates your statement.”

Garcia points to him, “I tried to use Al’s username and password to flush out other clients, but they don’t call it the dark net for nothing.”

Rossi shrugs at her, “Then we let it go. We’re not going to catch him that way.”

“What other way is there?” Garcia looks at him hopelessly.

Aaron finally looks away from you, “Montolo changed his M.O. drastically with the last victim.”

“He went from up close and personal to collateral damage.” Reid finishes.

Rossi puts both of his hands up, “Al blows himself up or we kill him. Either way it’s a win-win.”

“If he made that dramatic a shift, it was a mistake. That’s how we catch him.” Aaron declares. “Someone must have tipped him off. He would deviate that much otherwise.”

Garcia gasps, “But that would mean that—“

“We have a mole.” Aaron finishes.

“There’s a lot of new faces around here who want to join the BAU.” Rossi theorizes.

You shake your head, “I don’t honk it’s a federal agent.” Reid agreeing with you, “It has to be someone in local law enforcement.”

“Based on what?” Derek questions.

“The clock.” Teaks tells him, “According to Al, the unsub left 5 minutes before we showed up. That’s a narrow window for him to wait around for an embolism, but he had to figure out a way to deal with his last victim.”

“Montolo changed his M.O. at the last moment because he learned about us at the last moment.” You finish Reid’s thought.

“So the last one to hear the cavalry was coming is the Judas.” Rossi thinks, nodding, “That does mean a local cop.”

“Or Swat. You said Wilson pulled his men off the scene?” Aaron asks him.

“He said he wanted to, box the unsub in.” Rossi imitates the Swat commander. “But maybe he really wanted to make sure he got out.”

The team continues to profile as you see Aaron walk over to JJ’s desk. He pulls open the top drawer and takes something out. Making his way to your side, he puts on hand on your back as he holds out the other. Putting your hand out, you feel him drop something in it. Pulling back, you see the two small pain pills in your hand, shooting your husband a thankful smile, you grab your water and throw them back, hoping they kick it soon.

“Look, I just want to say, even if I don’t get the position, that this was the best job interview ever.” Dr.Lewis tells your husband.

You are immensely impressed by her. She stepped up when the team needed someone. You watch Garcia shake her hand, and from the look on Aaron’s face, that hidden smile behind his stoic mask, you know he feels the same as you.

“Agent Lewis, I believed I asked you to wait and that was about 36 hours ago.”

She waves him off, “It was completely worth it.”

“Maybe we could sit down now?” He asks her, gesturing to his office.”

“Yes.” She agrees, “2 a.m. is my jam.”

You are definitely going to like her.

You watch her walk up the stairs, sending her a wink. Aaron goes to follow her, stopping by you first. His hand reaches out to caress you face and pet down your hair, “This shouldn’t take long. Then we can go home, leave all the files for tomorrow.” He kisses your forehead gently, leaving you behind with a sweet look on your face and a gushing Penelope coming to your side, always the one to gush about any sort of love and affection.

You’re sitting in your doctors office, going through your email on your phone. Your headaches have not lighted up since starting last week, and now they are being accustomed with dizzy spells. Aaron comes into the room, having stepped out for a call. He had all but demanded to come with you, his anxiety over you rising the past 7 days. You didn't fight him, knowing you would be the same in switched positions.

You have been the same.

A couple minutes later, the doctor knocks on the door, coming in with a small smile, “we got your blood results back.” She informs you both.

Aaron's hand holds yours the slightest but tighter, a nervous habit of his when he's worried, squeezing your hand, “Is there something wrong?” He questions.

“No, there is nothing life threatening, causing the headaches and dizzy spells.”

You shake your head, confused, “So what is causing them?”

“You’re pregnant. Fairly early as well, we estimate between only 3-4 weeks. Congratulations.”

Your mouth falls open, about to protest with her, but dining nothing coming out. Your symptoms with Charlotte were nothing like this, being more tired and nauseous. You’ve only had one day like that this week. You look up to Aaron, seeing he’s already looking at you.

“Aaron Hotchner, stop smiling like that! This isn’t funny!” You threaten him.

His smile only grows wider, eyes shined with amusement and accomplishment, “What? I can’t be happy about this news?”

You narrow your eyes at him, “JJ isn’t even back yet!”

“But we did just higher a new member.” He shrugs.

You roll your eyes at him feeling another headache coming on. Once the shock wears off, a small smile graces your face. You’re not actually mad, more surprised, really. You look up to the doctor, “Anything to help with the dizziness?”

Aaron kisses the side of your head, his smile still there.

Of course you’re happy. You’re not the one that has to push them out.

***********

taglist: @bakugouswh0r3 @averyhotchner @rousethemouse @malindacath @buckyswintersoldiermask @floweringashore

#aaron hotchner #aaron hotchner x reader #bau reader #aaron hotchner fanfiction #aaron hotch x reader #criminal minds #criminal minds fanfiction #aaron hotchner fanfic #aaron hotchner series #aaron hotchner story

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homoose · 3 years

Text

Teach Me Something I Don’t Know: Part VII

Summary: Spencer’s unresolved trauma catches up with him. Reader gets her heart broken.

Pairing: Spencer Reid x fem!reader

Category: angst, I’m so sorry guys

Warnings/Includes: brief mention of violence and details of a case; brief mention of prison, past trauma; a lil self-loathing and self-sabotaging

Word count: 3.8k

a/n: I knew that this was where this story was going from the very beginning. The dialogue is one of the first parts I had written. It still hurts. Relevant to the story: I operate with the understanding that the Jeid arc does not exist, which also means that Spencer never went to therapy in season 15. Also, huge thanks to @reidscanehand for beta-ing and just generally being my hype person!!!!

Song Recs: Shrike by Hozier; Better As a Memory by Kenny Chesney (don’t come for me if Spencer made playlists this would ABSOLUTELY be on there)

Series Masterlist

———

Spencer made his way to Emily’s office, ignoring the team’s eyes on him— varying degrees of understanding, concern, and uncertainty plain on their faces. As he reached the threshold, he paused for a second before moving into her line of sight. When he moved into the doorway, she looked up and waved him in. He closed the door behind him.

She gestured to the chair in front of her desk. Spencer hesitated for only a split second, but it was long enough for her to notice. He lowered himself into the chair and met her eyes.

She folded her hands on top of the desk. “How are you feeling?”

He drummed his fingers across his kneecaps. “I’m fine.”

It was a lie, and they both knew it. She bit back a sigh and flipped open the folder in front of her. “I’m finished with the official report. I wanted to go over it with you before I submit it to the director.” She looked at him briefly before reading out the report. “On January 9th, our team pursued a lead at the residence of suspect Andrew Hurley. We divided into teams to cover the two entrances to the home, as well as the barn behind the house.”

Spencer fidgeted slightly in his chair and rubbed the tips of his fingers together. Emily continued, “During the raid, Supervisory Special Agent Spencer Reid became separated from the team and was ambushed and disarmed by the suspect in the barn.” She paused but didn’t look at him. “The team was unaware of the altercation for some time, during which Dr. Reid employed various approved restraint methods and was ultimately forced to utilize self-defense measures to preserve his own life. Consequently, Mr. Hurley sustained serious injuries.”

She did look at him then, a steady and unrelenting gaze that had him shrinking inside himself. “However, I have determined that Dr. Reid’s actions were justified in order to maintain his own safety.” She returned her eyes to the report. “Mr. Hurley was detained and treated for his injuries at Sebastian River Medical Center, and he is expected to make a full recovery. Based on the cognitive interviews and physical evidence, a grand jury hearing is scheduled for January 25th.” She brought her hands to rest on top of the report.

“I’ll sign off on it and deliver it to the director by the end of business today.” She let out the sigh she’d been holding back. “Reid.”

He pressed his mouth into a thin line, torn between shame and vindication. “Emily.”

“What happened in that barn was unacceptable. And I need you to recognize that.” Her eyes were back on him, a leader’s gaze boring into a weak link. “You went against a direct order. You put your life in danger unnecessarily, and in the process you endangered this entire team. Furthermore, you could have cost us the ability to close this case, to put Hurley away and bring justice to his victims.”

“It won’t happen again,” he assured her.

“No, it won’t.” Her tone told him that if it did, he’d have bigger problems than a meeting in her office. “My recommendation to the director is that you transition to your next mandatory leave cycle early.”

“I can handle—”

“It’s not a request. You’re on sabbatical starting tomorrow. That’s an order, and one you’d do well to follow.” She closed the file in front of her. “We’ll see you back in the bullpen on March 7th.”

“I don’t need more time off, Emily,” Spencer snapped.

He could see her grind her teeth together at his tone, but he couldn’t seem to care enough to feel contrite. She took a deep breath in through her nose, leveling him with a pointed look. “If Simmons hadn’t broken it up, you’d have killed Hurley on the floor of that barn.”

His mind snapped back to the lifeless eyes of Hurley’s victims— eight year old boys in shallow graves. Boys who died afraid, and in pain, and crying out for their mothers. His thoughts raced to the feel of Hurley’s throat under his arm, the crack of the zygomatic under his fist. Emily was right of course. If Matt hadn’t found them in the barn and dragged him up and off of Hurley’s nearly lifeless body, Spencer would have killed him without compunction.

“Reid.” The stern edge was gone from her voice. Spencer refocused his eyes on her face, now showcasing an underlying concern that made his stomach turn. “I’m not recommending another cycle of mandatory counseling at this time, although I reserve the right to require it moving forward. But… I’m asking you to take care of yourself. You’ve been through a lot in the last two years. More than a lot.”

“I said I’m fine,” he insisted, but there was less fire behind it this time.

“And I’m not saying you aren’t,” she countered. “But I am saying that the person in that barn… that wasn’t you. That was not the Reid that I know.” Emily tilted her head and furrowed her brow. “The Reid I know uses his intellect and empathy to see angles that the rest of us miss. He depends on the strength of his mind and his unwavering compassion to diffuse conflicts without violence. He invites his friends to foreign film showings and puppet theater.”

When he didn’t budge, she let out a long breath. “I want you to take the next fifty days to find that Reid and bring him back to us.”

...

Y/N dropped into her desk chair with a huff. They’d been back from winter break for two weeks, and she already needed another vacation. But tomorrow was Friday, and then they had a long weekend. She could make it through one more day.

She closed her eyes for a long moment, tired in the way that only kindergarten teachers fresh off a long break can be. She heard the click of Anita’s shoes coming before she even entered the room, and Y/N couldn’t stop the twitch of her lips.

“Dude. How is it only Thursday?” Anita flopped down into the plush Calm Corner chair.

“This has been the longest week of my life,” Y/N agreed. “My kids were off the chain.”

“There is so much drama in middle school right now,” Anita groaned. “I can’t keep up with all the tea, and you know how I love to stay up to date on the freshest brews.” She shot Y/N a look. “Speaking of, where’s the good doctor?”

“I think they’ve had a lot going on at work,” Y/N surmised. “I haven’t seen Mrs. Jareau in over a month.”

“Well, I’m getting antsy,” Anita complained. “Thought for sure you’d be going steady by now.”

Y/N rolled her eyes, but she couldn’t help but feel a little impatient herself. If she’d known it would be this long before she’d see him again, she might have made a move when he’d volunteered. Then again, probably not. She sighed.

Her phone chimed with an email message, and she automatically swiped the screen open to read it.

Spencer Reid Re:

Are you free today? If you are, I’ll be at Soho.

...

Spencer sat at the table in the corner of the coffee shop. He sipped absentmindedly at his tea, almost gone cold. He hadn’t waited for a reply before leaving Quantico. He drove straight to the city, figuring he’d wait at Soho until he felt some semblance of calm returning to his body.

He didn’t know why he’d emailed Y/N, and he wasn’t sure he really wanted her to show up. Usually he’d talk to Penelope or maybe JJ. But he’d wanted to get as far from the BAU as possible, and he didn’t want to drag Penelope away from the colorful, safe corner of the world she’d created for herself. He didn’t want to fill it with all the tragedy she’d tried so hard to leave behind.

If Y/N did show, he was certain he could keep the conversation vague, focus on her and the classroom, ask her about her holidays. She wasn’t a profiler, didn’t know his tells well enough. She’d be none the wiser, and he’d have her warmth and presence to focus his energy on, if only for a few hours.

Every time the bell chimed, his eyes flew to the door, searching for her. He knew it was ridiculous. He’d only known her for one hundred and eleven days. Pragmatically, he knew she shouldn’t be the one he wanted to talk to. Realistically, he wasn’t planning to burden her with all of the mess of the past week, the past year, his entire life.

But in the six hundred and forty seven minutes he’d spent with her since September, he’d felt more like himself than he ever had. He was never afraid to be himself with her— the silly story voices, the ridiculous costume, the magic trick, the vulnerability about his mom. All of these pieces of himself were things he usually waited years to show people. It had taken her a matter of weeks to draw them out.

He couldn’t help but believe that if he wanted to, he could tell her everything. She’d know exactly what to say. She’d listen for as long as he could keep talking. She’d cover his shaking hands and wrap him up in the warmth of her spirit. She’d give of herself to guide him back to the person he used to be. She’d be more than willing to use her radiance to illuminate the dark so that he might have a little light again.

The bell sounded, and his eyes focused, and there she was. She was wrapped up in a puffed jacket, a bright blue scarf tied around her neck. Her nose was adorably red from the cold, and she rubbed her hands together as the door closed behind her. Her eyes found him immediately. A small smile turned up the corners of her mouth, and she gave him an enthusiastic wave. And he knew that he was right about all of it.

She approached the table, unwinding her scarf. “Hi!”

“Hi.”

Her eyes flickered over his face, and then settled on his mostly empty mug. “I’ll get you a refill, and then we’ll catch up?”

He nodded, and she headed to the counter. There had been a part of him that thought she wouldn’t come, but of course she did. For some reason, unbeknownst to him, she liked talking to him. Even among his closest friends, he was often made to feel self-conscious about his tendency to ramble, but Y/N had literally asked him to. She sought him out, asked him questions, listened intently, and remembered things he’d told her. She was kind and thoughtful and genuine. Of course she came when he called.

She returned with two mugs, carefully setting them down on the tiny table. She unzipped and removed her jacket, hanging it on the back of her chair and revealing a crew neck sweater covered in tiny astronauts and rocket ships. When she sat across from him, her hands wrapped around the mug and her eyes met his.

“Hi.”

He couldn’t stop his lips from twitching, despite the events of the day. “You said that already.”

She laughed, and he felt the weight begin to lift. “Yeah, well, I haven’t seen you in forever, so— I’m just making up for lost time.”

“Sixty one days.”

“Hmm?”

“It’s been sixty one days, eighty eight minutes, and approximately,” he looked at his watch, “fourteen seconds since we saw each other last.”

She laughed again, and his mouth completed its curve. She tucked her hair behind her ear. “I like that you’ve been counting.” She let her chin come to rest in her hand, eyes studying his face. “How are you?”

He wanted to lie, but she was looking at him so earnestly that he mumbled out, “I’m managing.”

She mirrored the way he’d looked at her across this same table nearly three months ago. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really.” That was a lie, too. But asking her to meet him was enough of a burden.

“Okay. Well, if you change your mind at any point, let me know.” She wiggled her eyebrows at him. “Until then, I can just regale you with all the kindergarten stories you’ve missed while you were out saving lives.”

And regale him she did. For almost an hour, he listened to her tales of love (budding crushes were taking over recess time), loss (the class pet— a stuffed zebra— had accidentally taken a swim in the Atlantic on a vacation to Florida), and lessons learned…

“So, in case there was ever any doubt, we are now painfully aware that we shouldn’t attempt to flush our underwear.” Y/N let out an exasperated laugh.

She’d been talking to him for fifty three minutes, and his heart already felt one thousand times lighter. “I’m really glad I wasn’t there for that one.”

“I really wish that was the only poop story I had.” She shook her head. “There are a lot of things they don’t tell you in grad school. I think there’d be a global teacher shortage if they warned you about the amount of bodily fluid management involved in teaching kindergarten.”

She toyed with the edge of her empty mug. He watched the movement of her fingers.

“Do you—”

She laughed and gestured for him to speak first.

“Do you want to get out of here?”

…

They ended up in Mitchell Park. The trees were bare and the grass was brown, but he was with her, and so it was beautiful.

They’d been walking in comfortable silence, when she asked, “Did you change your mind? About talking about it.”

Spencer put his hands into his pockets. “It’s, um— it’s kind of a lot.”

She shrugged. “I’ve got time.”

“I don’t mean— I mean, it would take some time to get through it all. But it’s also— it’s a lot.”

“We don’t have to.” He could feel her eyes on him. “Do you talk to— someone about it?”

“I talked with my unit chief today,” he answered.

“Okay. But— I mean, have you ever— talked to someone. Like, a professional.”

Spencer bristled slightly. Although he knew she wasn’t passing judgement, her question exposed the reality that she thought he could use it. “I’ve had some mandated counseling over the years.”

“Obviously it’s your choice whether you talk to someone or not,” she mused. “I just— I know that I’ve benefited a lot from seeing my therapist.”

Spencer was unsure of what to do with that information. Here she was, confessing that she went to therapy— sweet, lovely Y/N. In comparison, he wasn’t sure if even daily meetings with a counselor would be enough to tame the darkness that had grown and festered inside him over the years. That sometimes threatened to swallow him whole.

For a long while, there was only the crunch of the frozen ground beneath their feet. It wasn’t uncomfortable, but there was an uncertainty about them that felt uncharacteristically heavy. He was hyper aware of her presence, and so he felt her pace slowing down before she came to a complete stop. He walked a few more paces before it became clear that she wasn’t planning to catch up.

He turned and saw that she’d taken a seat on one of the park benches. He carefully made his way to the bench, sitting beside her quietly. She didn’t look at him, but instead studied her fingernails intently. She cracked her knuckles once, twice, and then turned her body slightly toward him on the bench.

“I’m sorry if I overstepped,” she hedged carefully. “I didn’t mean to tell you what to do, or like, imply that there’s anything wrong with you. There’s nothing wrong with you at all. I just—”

“It’s fine,” Spencer assured her. The way she looked at him then— like he was something fragile, delicate— made his eyes burn. He kept his voice even. “I know what you meant.”

She smiled, eyes crinkling and filled with something that felt familiar and far away all at once. “Good. I can’t have you out here thinking you’re anything less than wonderful.”

He couldn’t stop looking at her, attempting to solve the impossible cypher behind her irises. As he failed to decode it, his inability to read her blinded him to what came next. He missed the dilation of her pupils, the way her tongue darted out to wet her lips, the increase of the beats in her carotid. So when she leaned in and pressed her mouth to his, he was momentarily paralyzed.

Her lips were so soft against his slightly chapped ones, pressing with a perfectly gentle pressure. She brought her hand up to cradle his cheek, the pads of her fingers just barely ghosting the curls falling around his ear. She sighed into his mouth and pressed a little closer. He took one peaceful moment to bask in the realization of a desire he’d had for almost four months.

And then she swiped the very tentative tip of her tongue against the seam of his mouth, and his hands involuntarily wound into her hair, dragging her closer. He opened his mouth against hers to swallow her sweet little gasp. His grip on her hair tightened, and she let out the tiniest mewl, and like a switch had flipped— suddenly his mind was full of the darkness she’d spent the evening chasing away.

Y/N beneath him in the dark. Maeve in a pool of blood. His hands around Cat’s neck. His mother’s slap against his cheek. Max walking away from him. His fingers pressing the plunger on a dirty syringe. The slam of the door behind his father. Y/N calling out his name. A knife at his throat under a canopy of bones. Innumerable sets of lifeless eyes staring up at him. His life being snuffed out on the dirt floor of a shed. The clanging of metal bars and fingers ghosting over old bruises. Y/N looking at him with warm, loving eyes. The violent crack of bone underneath his fists. Y/N’s face, lovely and perfect— and then twisted in pain.

He broke away from her, releasing his hold on her hair and pushing her back into the bench. He took a second to gather himself before he dared to look at her. Her hair was tousled from his rough grip; her eyes were half-lidded and focused on him; her lips were red and kiss-bruised and turned up in a small, sweet smile.

And all at once he knew he had to hurt her, and it had to be now. Because what Cat had said about him was true. He might have escaped his mother’s illness, but he hadn’t been able to outrun the violence— and unlike her, he didn’t have the excuse of being sick. He had hurt people, and he had enjoyed it. He would have killed Hurley, and he would have slept soundly. He was no better than the men his team hunted.

Every time he thought he’d moved past it, that wickedness lurking just under the surface would grab him by the throat, choking everything else out. Emily’s directive rang in his ears. Find that Reid and bring him back to us. He knew who she was talking about. The problem was, he wasn’t sure that person still existed.

He was going to hurt Y/N eventually. Better to do it now, before things got too far.

“You’re Michael’s teacher,” he said, as evenly as possible.

Her smile faltered, and she pressed her lips together. He could still feel the phantom press of them against his own, and he was sure he’d never forget it. She cleared her throat. “You’re right, you’re totally right. I, um— I won’t be in a few months, and maybe then—”

“You don’t even know me,” he interrupted.

Now there was confusion in her eyes. That much he could read. She huffed out a small laugh. “I— I don’t think that’s entirely true.”

He looked directly at her. “Why? Because you read my bio on a university website? Because we got tea a couple times?” His voice sounded harsh, patronizing, and he hated it.

Her confusion shifted into shock, and he ignored the tug on his heart. “Are you serious?” she questioned, genuinely searching for a sign that he was joking.

“Dead serious.” He shrugged, and it felt like his bones were breaking. “You don’t really know anything about me, Y/N. If you did, you wouldn’t be sitting here right now.”

“Where— where is this coming from?” Her voice was small, close to breaking. He lined up the last nail on the lid of the coffin.

“Maybe I gave you the wrong impression. I’ve appreciated talking to you. Volunteering in your classroom was entertaining. But I don’t— I don’t see you that way.” It was a lie, and if he didn’t have such a practiced poker face, she might have seen through it. As it was, his poker face had helped get him banned from every casino in Vegas, so he watched her as he hammered the final nail. “You’re just Michael’s kindergarten teacher.”

“Oh.” The hurt flashed across her features— the furrow of her brow, the tightening of her mouth, the storm clouds in her eyes. “Well, I— I really read this wrong, huh?” She laughed, but there was no humor in it.

“Yeah.” He put his hands into his pockets to keep himself from reaching for her, the desire to comfort her a strange juxtaposition to the pain he was intentionally inflicting on her. “I guess so.”

She opened and closed her mouth twice before taking a deep breath and nearly whispering, “Okay. Well. I’m— I’m gonna go.”

She brushed some imaginary dust from her pants and then stood. She turned to him, and he waited for her to explode— to scream and curse at him. But it didn’t come. She didn’t look at him at all. “Um— yeah. I’m gonna go.”

He didn’t say anything, and he knew she’d take his silence as indifference. But he had to keep his mouth shut, because if he didn’t, he’d beg her to stay. He’d tell her every single random piece of information he had stored in his brain. He��d tell her that he loved her from the moment he watched her help a child pick a solution from a pencil box. He’d tell her that he only ever dreamt of two things these days— her or the lives he didn’t save. He’d tell her every single one of his deepest, darkest secrets. He’d tell her that sometimes he was so afraid of himself that he could barely breathe. And if he told her all of that, she’d walk away anyway.

So instead, he watched her turn and start back up the path, hugging her arms around herself and swiping her cheek against her scarf.

When she disappeared over the slope of the path, he scrubbed his hands over his own damp face and let himself break.

———

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babymetaldoll · 3 years

Text

DIWK: Chapter eleven: "Can't get you off my mind"

|Word count: 9,7K

Summary: Reader struggles with her feelings for Spencer and tries to work with Seaver. Neither of those things works. Spencer's headaches are getting worse. Also, it's Anderson's birthday! Things are getting a little more complicated.

Warnings: Hardcore fools in love. It's getting painful to watch. Spoilers of Criminal Minds Season 6 Episode 11. 25 to life. Cursing, and frustration. Alcohol consumption. Assholes being blind.

A/N: Please don't hate me! but these two are just so blind, it hurts!

Masterlist

.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.

Spencer's point of view

Psychotics in a break always evolve. Well, I was psychotic at that minute of my life, but the only things evolving were my migraines. They were driving me insane. I could feel them taking over my life, my head, my sanity. I could feel my good judgment slipping through my fingers every day, especially since (Y/N) had started acting strange.

It wasn't like she had stopped talking to me or hanging out with me. But I could feel a void growing between us every day. And it was driving me insane. I couldn't understand where it had come from. I just knew it was eating me alive.

Morgan was having a bad day. One really bad day. The man he had vouched for parole had just murdered a man after nearly 70 hours of freedom, and now the team was trying to solve the whole case. Don Sanderson claimed he had been framed guilty of the murder of his wife and baby daughter, but after 25 years in prison, the first thing he did as a free man was to murder someone else.

It made no sense.

We had visited the murder scene. Hotch was still on a leave, so it was just Prentiss, (Y/N), Morgan, Rossi, Seaver, and I. Emily was in full "training agent's duty," walking Seaver through every step of the procedure, which was very nice of her. It was her first case after the incident in New Mexico, and she was eager to do better work than that time. She was nearly jumping all over the place, taking notes.

I talked with Garcia on the phone because he was worried about Morgan, and then I walked to (Y/N), who kept a safe distance from Emily and Seaver.

- "The bullets were in the other room, but the gun is right here,"- I said as I looked around the room. (Y/N) turned to me, ready to speak her mind, but Ashley spoke first, which annoyed her beyond belief.

- "Maybe killing him was an accident."

I looked at my best friend as Prentiss and Ashley continued talking. She just crossed her arms and walked around the room. She surely wasn't dealing well with having Seaver around. I wanted to ask her something, anything, but nothing came to mind.

- "Sanderson was out of prison for what, Reid?"- I answered Emily's question but didn't even turn to look at her. My eyes were following (Y/N), moving around that room.

- "At the time of the murder, 51 hours."

- "He's free for 2 days and change? What's the big hurry to find this guy?"

- "Are you ok?"- I whispered and stood next to (Y/N) as Prentiss and Ashley kept analyzing the scene.

- "Yeah, just tired."

- "Do you wanna have dinner with me tonight? I didn't see you this weekend, and I thought we could do a movie night."

(Y/N) took her time to answer, but finally, after a moment, she nodded and agreed.

- "Movie night sounds nice."

- "Great, ‘cos I rented your favorites."- I might have sounded more excited than I should, but I had really missed her those days, and I may or may not have watched and read Pride and Prejudice a couple of times.

- "Did you? Really?"

- "Yes, I was hoping to spend some time with you."

- "Are you coming, Spence?"- Seaver interrupted us and looked from the door- "Rossi called. They are interviewing Sanderson at the BAU."

- "Yeah, we are coming,"- I answered and looked away. (Y/N) shook her head and walked outside in silence the second Prentiss called my name, and I couldn't follow her. Which, I guess, was a good thing.

- "Is everything ok?"- Emily stayed behind with me. She raised an eyebrow, watching (Y/N) walking out of the room as Ashley waited for us by the door.

- "Yes?"- my answer came more as a question because I honestly didn't know what to say- "Everything is ok, Emily."

- "Correct me if I'm wrong, but I have the feeling (Y/N) isn't thrilled to have agent Seaver around."- I almost chuckled at her words and just nodded.

- "It's not like she has made it hard to tell. She literally yelled at her at the jet."

- "Is she mad at me because I am supervising her training?"

- "I don't know. I don't think so… she hasn't told me so. Well, she hasn't talked to me much lately."

- "Why? Did you fight?"- Prentiss wide opened her eyes and moved a little closer to me, trying to read my expressions.

- "No, I don't know what's going on. She just… we…"- I couldn't find the right words to explain my mind, and I think Prentiss knew it, ‘cos she didn't push me.

- "You should talk to her."

- "Yeah, we are going out tonight."

- "You have a date?"- Ashley walked over and asked me with a short smile. I cleared my throat and shook my head right away.

- "No, just meeting with a friend."

- "Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to intrude,"- Seaver blushed and looked at her shoes. Prentiss smiled, probably reading something I wasn't seeing.

- "Come on, Rossi is probably waiting for us at the BAU, and I'm guessing Morgan is not in a good mood."

For the rest of the day, I tried to find a moment alone with (Y/N). I needed to talk about what was going on. But it was impossible. We worked late, rereading the original case files, trying to find something that might help us help Sanderson. But it was frustrating and nearly impossible.

So around nine, we decided to call it a day and go home.

- "Are you in the mood for Chinese?"- I looked at (Y/N), gathering all the things as I stood next to her desk- I thought maybe we could get some take-out from that place you love on our way home.

- "Sounds nice. What are we watching?"

- "Pride and Prejudice, Coraline, maybe Beetlejuice. You pick, I've got all your favorites,"- (Y/N) narrowed her eyes, looking at me in silence- "What?"

- "So you rented movies ‘cos you wanted to hang out with me?"

- "Yes."

- "You usually don't rent movies. You rent documentaries."

- "Yes, but I wanted to do something different this time. I told you I missed you."

(Y/N) blushed as she stood in front of me, biting the inner part of her cheek, trying not to smile. I looked at her, nearly beaming, excited to see her reaction. I had felt so scared to lose her, feeling her pushing away from me. It was a balm watching her so happy, and just because I missed her.

- "I love Pride and Prejudice,"- Ashley said from her desk- "I've read that book so many times, I think I can recite it."

I looked at her and nodded with an awkward smile. I knew she was just trying to be nice ‘cos she was new at the BAU, and she was also trying to be nicer to (Y/N), to get on her good side. But that wasn't the way to get to her. Maybe I had to talk to Seaver and explain that my best friend is a special woman.

Neither of us answered her comment. We just stood there, looking at her in silence, until Anderson walked over and waved.

- "Hey agents, before you go, I wanted to tell you, this Friday I'm celebrating my birthday, and I'd love to have you over."

- "Of course, Sonny!"- (Y/N) wide opened her eyes and clapped. She had called him "Sonny" since they sang "I got you babe" by Sonny and Cher in the karaoke at the Christmas party the year before.

- "Happy birthday, Anderson!"- Derek waved.

- "Thank you! We'll gather at a bar nearby. I'll text you the address."

- "We wouldn't miss it for the world,"- Prentiss added and smiled- "Do you mind if we tell JJ and Garcia?"

- "Please do! I haven't seen JJ since she left, and it would be amazing to have her over. You too, agent Seaver."

- "Thank you!"- Ashley smiled and nodded- "Count me in."

I could feel (Y/N)'s eyes rolling, annoyed, even when I wasn't even looking at her at that minute. I grabbed my bag and my coat and held her hand.

- "Bye, guys! See you tomorrow!"- that was all I said as I dragged her out of the bullpen. Emily waved at us, and Derek cut me an evil grin I could decode easily. I just ignored him and turned to the door.

- "Have fun, pretty girl!!"- Morgan chuckled at his own words, and (Y/N) just smiled and winked. Why? Probably to show him she didn't care about all his teasing, ‘cos nothing was ever going to happen between us.

(Y/N)'s point of view

It might have been childish, but I had to take advantage of Morgan's innuendo just to show Seaver things could happen between Spencer and me. It had been immature and silly, but I just felt like I needed to do it. It was like a stupid animal instinct that forced me to mark my territory.

I shouldn't have done it. Spencer wasn't mine. Not even close. And I had to stop being jealous of Seaver. If he didn't want me, he had the right to be with anyone else. But just the thought of Spencer being with someone, anyone, made me feel sick in my stomach. I hated being in love with him. I honestly did, ‘cos I didn't want to ruin our friendship with useless feelings. Spencer wasn't in love with me. He was just my friend. My very thoughtful, cute, adorable, and lovable best friend.

I was fucked. Completely and utterly fucked. Even that second, sitting on that couch with Spencer, I couldn't focus on the movie. I pretended, but I didn't even pay attention to it. All I could think of was how warm his body felt sitting next to me, like a gigantic magnet that called for me. I could simply just move my hand and intertwined his fingers with mine. Or lean in closer, rest my head on his shoulder, feel how he wraps an arm around me, and melt in his embrace, like I had done a million times before.

But I couldn't. I had to stop that daydream of a domestic and romantic life with Spencer. It wasn't healthy. It wasn't sane. But most of all: I wasn't real. And I was never going to move forward in life if I kept thinking those movie nights meant something.

- "More popcorn?- Spencer handed me the bowl, and I shook my head- "You have been awfully quiet considering we are watching Coraline."

- "Well, we are supposed to watch the movie in silence,"- I answered and didn't take my eyes from the screen.

- "You have never done that."

- "Maybe I wanted to give it a try."

I grabbed a bunch of popcorn just to keep myself busy. I could feel Spencer's eyes on me, and it was killing me ‘cos I knew I didn't have to look at him. If I did, I wasn't sure how I would react. I was overthinking everything and anything you might think of.

- "Are you ok?"

- "Yeah. Sure."

No, I wasn't.

- "(Y/N), can you look at me?"- Spencer paused the movie and turned to me. I hesitated, thinking my best friend is an amazing profiler, and I didn't want him to know how I felt about him ‘cos it didn't want to ruin our friendship.

After a few seconds, I moved on the couch and raised an eyebrow. His brown eyes stared into mine in silence for a moment, trying to read me.

- "What is going on?"

- "Nothing,"- I lied and frowned- "Why are you so obsessed with the idea something is going on?"

- "‘Cos I have this… feeling."

- "You got a feeling?"- I chuckled, trying to be funny but failing completely. In the end, I just stared into his eyes for what seemed to be a million years but were, in fact, just a few seconds.

- "Are we ok?"

- "Of course, we are, Spencer."

- "You never call me that"- he frowned immediately, almost hurt.

- "What?"

- "You just call me Spencer when we are on a case, and there are people around us. But when we are home, I'm never Spencer to you."

"When we are home." That killed me. I hadn't realized how badly I wanted that to be our home, to have a life with Spencer.

I was in love with my best friend. I was spending every single hour of every single day of my life with him. That wasn't right! If I knew he didn't have feelings for me, why was I doing that to myself?

- "(Y/N)?"- Spencer's voice took me from my thoughts. He looked so worried I didn't know how to convince him there wasn't anything wrong, considering it felt like everything was wrong.

- "What is it?"

- "Please tell me what's wrong."

- "I told you, nothing is wrong. I just called you Spencer. That's your name. It's a lovely name. I had never met someone called Spencer ever before in my entire life. You just called me (Y/N), not pumpkin, cupcake, chipmunk, or ma chère,"- he sighed, frustrated and maybe a little annoyed.

- "Nothing is wrong, honey. I'm really ok. Just tired, maybe feeling a little invaded with Seaver in the team"- I knew he knew I hated her, so I had to blame her in a way.

- "Why?"

- "You know I'm not her fan... I hate working with her,"- I kind of chuckled at my own words because I was trying to make a joke out of my awful reality.

- "It's just for a few weeks,"- he tried to reassure me, probably to ease my mood, but the truth was I hated how it always felt like he was defending her.

- "One week, one day, it's the same torture,"- I shook my head and turned to the screen again.

- "Don't be dramatic."

- "I'm not dramatic! I just hate how she is always playing the victim ‘cos her father is a serial killer. She is clearly overcompensating! Besides, we have all gone through bad shit in our lives, and no one is using it as a tool to get things in life."

- "I don't think that's what she is doing."

- "No? Do you think she belongs at the BAU? She is a trainee agent who almost got killed in her first assignment. She works hard, and she is not stupid, I give you that. But she is not top of her class. She is not there ‘cos she is the brightest. She is there ‘cos Rossi, Hotch, and probably Prentiss felt bad for her after what happened and decided to let her hang around and learn something for a while. If you ask me, I think there are more qualified trainee agents we could use in the team, but Seaver played her "my father was a serial killer" card and got the job. And who knows how many times she had done it before, and how many times she will use it again."

Ok, that may or may not have been too hard, but it was exactly how I felt. There was a deep silence in Spencer's apartment. The movie was still paused, and after my speech, Spencer just looked at me with wide-opened eyes. I just sighed and regretted every word that had left my lips ‘cos they made me sound bitter and shallow. But at least they didn't tell him the truth: that I was jealous of the thought Seaver might get his attention. Scared that he could look at her the way he had never looked at me. Just to imagine I could bump into them kissing terrified me.

- "Maybe I should just go home,"- I whispered and tried to stand up, but Spencer grabbed my arm and pulled me back onto the couch.

- "No, please. Stay,"- his voice was a whisper but still managed to shake me.

- "I don't wanna argue with you, honey,"- I thought I would speak too loud, but no, I actually murmured, matching his tone of voice.

- "We don't have to talk about Seaver anymore. Just watch the movie with me. You love this movie."

- "You love this book,"- I added and looked at him. He smiled. God, that smile is going to be the end of me.

- "It's just so dark! But it has such a good message."

- "Not all nice people are good people?"- I just spoke about what the book had meant to me ever since I was a little girl, and Spencer analyzed the whole plot again in less than a minute.

- "I was going to say overcoming your fears, but I like your analysis the most."

- "Of course, you do, ‘cos it's better,"- I teased and stuck out my tongue to him. Spencer just stared at me and nodded.

- "You might be right. Yours is much better,"- he kept his eyes on me for a few more seconds and continued smiling until he snapped from his thoughts- "More tea, ma chère?"

- "No, honey, thank you. I'm good."

I cut him a quick smile and sat back on the couch, trying to relax. I knew it was going to be impossible, but I honestly didn't want to leave. I wanted to be with him. I had stayed home alone the whole weekend, hidden underneath a pile of blankets, in something that looked pretty much like a fort, according to Lu's words. She had stayed with me Saturday night ‘cos I told her I needed a girl's night. It was my poor attempt to stay away from Reid, and she was happy to help.

Ok, Lu didn't know I wanted to stay away from Reid. I just told her I needed a girl's night. I really didn't want to deal with all her questions. You have the right to avoid dealing with your feelings from time to time if you can. And I told Spencer Lu wasn't feeling so good, so I wanted to spend some time with her. He sounded disappointed ‘cos he was making plans for our weekend off but understood completely I needed to be with my friend.

See? Spencer made it so easy falling in love with him! He was so thoughtful it freaking hurt!

I couldn't fight the feeling anymore and rested my head on his shoulder. It felt he was waiting for me to make that move, ‘cos in a few seconds, his arm was wrapped around me protectively.

- "I know Lu needed you, but you missed a whole weekend of cuddling on this couch watching your favorite movies with me,"- Spencer whispered, bumping his head carefully against mine. I bit my lips and smiled, not taking my eyes away from the screen.

- "We do this pretty often"- that was all I could answer.

- "At least once a week for the last… thirteen-month two weeks, and… four days."

- "I love how precise you can be when it comes to our friendship, honey."

Calling it a friendship hurt me at that point, but it was what it was. Spencer chuckled and just nodded. We enjoyed our company in silence for a moment. His fingers drawing figures on my arm and my head resting on his shoulder, letting his smell invade me. It was heaven.

We were finally watching the movie… though what I really wanted was to watch a movie with Spencer instead of actually watching it. But that was the nature of our relationship. We were friends. Friends don't watch movies.

- "No way,"- I argued when his cellphone rang and interrupted our moment- "Please tell me we don't have a case."

- "We don't,"- he quickly answered and picked up the phone- "Hello? Hi… it's ok, tell me"- he didn't stand up or moved from me. He kept holding me tight against his body and finished his call by simply saying.

- "We can meet tomorrow at seven at work. I can help you with your test."- I hated those words immediately.

- "It's not a problem, see you tomorrow. Bye."

I was afraid to ask ‘cos I knew the answer. The knot on my stomach was the fair warning of what had just happened. That bitch had ruined our moment yet again.

- "What are you doing tomorrow at seven?"- I did my best to sound as casual as possible, but I knew that conversation might not end well. He hesitated. I could nearly hear his neurons struggling to find the correct answer to that question. Until he simply whispered:

- "Please don't get mad."

- "Why would I?"

- "‘Cos Ashley just called to ask me to help her study for a test…"

I took a deep breath and held it for a few seconds, doing my best to calm myself down at least a little before speaking.

- "I'm not mad, Spencer,"- I tried to lie as smoothly as possible. I even cut him a smile and looked into his hazel and confused eyes.

- "I know you don't like her, but I had offered to help in case she needed any… what?"

- "I'm not mad, really,"- I smiled again and turned to the screen- "We said we were not going to argue, and besides, she just called to ask you for help. That's not something to be mad about, right?"

Technically I wasn't mad. I was beyond furious.

- "Are you sure?"- he narrowed his eyes, baffled- "Not that I want you to be mad or something, but we just argued over her, and you said you felt invaded by her… so…"

- "Yes, but I don't wanna argue anymore. I don't want you to think I hate Seaver because I don't. And most of all, I don't want her to be the reason we fight. I don't wanna fight with you. Ever."

Spencer sighed, relieved, and smiled, pleased with my answer.

Spencer's point of view

Something felt off the following day when I walked into the bullpen and saw Ashley waiting for me by my desk with two cups of coffee. (Y/N) had said everything was ok, and I decided I wanted to believe her. But I had an awful feeling about everything that was going on.

- "Hi!"- Ashley smiled and handed me a cup- "Figured you might appreciate one of these for making you wake up earlier."

- "Thank you"- I smiled awkwardly and held the cup- "Are you ready?"

- "Yes, I brought all the notes from the class and my books…"- she set them on her desk and giggled as I went through her notes, sipping my cup- "I feel back in high school…"

- "Why?"

- "I wasn't the best student back then, and I always had to ask my classmates for help,"- I couldn't help but think of something (Y/N) had said the night before.

- "And are you a good student at the academy?"

- "Yes, I think. I'm not in the top three of my class, but I have good grades. I'm just not… a genius, like you."

Her eyes lingered on my face, and her cheeks blushed after a few seconds. I frowned, not getting why she was embarrassed. Was it just ‘cos she didn't have the same honorifics as I did?

- "I don't believe that intelligence can be accurately quantified,"- I simply answered, remembering how many times in my life I had ever said something like that. Way too many, to be honest.

It was hard to focus on the subject when Seaver kept asking me personal questions every five minutes. She seemed more interested in knowing about my childhood in Las Vegas than learning about profiling and victimology.

- "Good morning, kids!"- I turned around and smiled at Morgan, so glad to see him I might have actually felt a little relieved- "What are you doing here so early?"

- "Hey! I was just helping Ashley with her test,"- I stood up and walked from her desk over his- "And about you?"

- "I have a meeting with Strauss in a while, and Sanderson's case didn't let me sleep. It was better to come here and start working than to keep on rolling on my bed. But I'm glad you are here. Wanna help me go through a few extra files?"

- "Of course!"- I left the notes I was holding on the closest desk and walked with Morgan to the conference room.

I considered our session with Seaver finished, mostly ‘cos for the last ten minutes, she had been asking about me. What I liked doing outside the BAU, favorite bands, hobbies, anything. I answered her questions and kept trying to push her to study. I didn't want her to blame me if she failed her test.

- "Hey, kid."- Morgan whispered after a few minutes and took a look around, just to make sure no one else was near. I looked at him confused ‘cos he was never that careful to say anything in the office.

- "Is everything ok?"

- "Yes?"- I answered, though it sounded like a question ‘cos I wasn't sure what he was talking about.

- "Are you excited to have Seaver on the team for the next month?"- I shrugged and kept reading the file in my hands- "Come on, Reid. She is clearly sweet to you."

- "I don't know what you are talking about."

- "She has a crush on you, kid."

- "No, she doesn't!"

- "Come on! Are you blind?"- I stared at Morgan, not getting what he was talking about- "Man, Seaver gives you loving eyes even when we are on the field!"

- "She does not!"- I knew I was blushing. I hated those kinds of conversations, and Morgan always made me feel awkward when he hinted I should flirt with a girl or just talk to them.

- "And I would appreciate it if you didn't say anything like that ever again."

- "What's the matter, kid? You don't think she is pretty?"

- "I don't look at her that way!"- I buried my head in a file and tried not to notice how he scanned my whole face, looking for micro expressions.

- "I see. Are you afraid (Y/N) might get jealous?"- Morgan chuckled at his words and tapped on my back a few times, making me flinch- "Relax, man. I'm just kidding!"

- "I don't like those jokes, Derek. Really."

Morgan kept his eyes on me a little longer and nodded. I did my best not to show how I really felt, but somehow, I failed miserably.

- "You know, kid, it would be much easier if you just told (Y/N) how you feel about her,"- Derek's voice was soft and even more concerned than I thought he could be. I nearly shook when I heard him, so I failed my mission of remaining stoic.

- "Reid, it's ok. There's nothing wrong with having feelings for her."

- "I don't… like talking about this,"- I whispered and closed the file- "Can we just focus on work, please?"- Derek nodded and stayed quiet for a few seconds. But I knew he wasn't done yet.

- "Reid, listen. I know you are not really fond of sharing how you feel with us, I know you share almost everything that happens in your life with (Y/N), and as your friend, I've always felt glad and relieved to know you have her. But if there's something you can't tell her, and you need to talk to someone, you can count on me. You know that, right?"

I nodded and looked at him. That conversation took me back to the year I was using and had to keep it secret from my friends. I knew I could count on Morgan if anything happened, but I really wasn't comfortable sharing my thoughts, feelings, and fears with people. (Y/N) made it so easy. Was it ‘cos I loved her? I just always felt I could tell her anything. That had never happened to me before with anyone.

- "Morgan, Strauss was looking for you,"- Rossi walked into the room holding a cup of coffee and stared at us, raising an eyebrow- "Everything ok?"

- "Yes, we were just going through some files,"- Morgan stood up and grabbed the case folder- "I'll be right back."

- "I'll finish reading all these,"- I said and pointed at the box filled with more files. Morgan nodded and walked away.

- "Do you need any help?"- Seaver walked over that second and smiled at me. I stood up and shook my head.

- "Thanks, but I'm basically done. I'll just go make myself another cup of coffee."

- "I'll go with you!"- she smiled and waited for me by the door. Rossi looked at me and raised an eyebrow. I just cut him a straight smile and walked to the kitchenette, followed closely by Ashley.

(Y/N) walked into the bullpen that minute. I watched her as she opened the glass door and took out her jacket. It felt like the time passed in slow motion as she walked. I couldn't help it, I just smiled as soon as our eyes crushed, and for a few seconds, life was perfect. Just to know she was there, smiling at me made everything worth living.

See why I couldn't tell anyone how I was feeling? They would make fun of me. Morgan would never understand the agony and the dimension of my love for her. He would just tease me. I wonder if he had ever actually been in love 'till that point in life.

I didn't want anyone to know what was happening to me ‘cos I was sure they would make fun of me, and that was the last thing I needed at that moment. So I did what I knew best: I locked it all inside and waited for it to burn me alive.

- "Good morning, chipmunk!"- I stood by (Y/N)'s side and smiled as she left her things on her desk and turned to me. She just looked into my eyes, and my brain turned into mush.

- "Good morning, honey bunny. Did you sleep well? You look tired."

- "Yeah, I just got up extra early today to help Seaver, and now I was helping Derek with some files."

- "Do you need a hand?"

- "Sure!"- I didn't even analyze my answer. I just spit the words, thinking it would be amazing to spend some time with my friend, working together.

- "Hi (Y/N), how are you?"- that until her face changed completely when Seaver waved at her- "Spencer, do you want me to make your coffee?"- I froze and turned to her in silence.

- "No, thank you. I'll… just… wait a little before having another one. I just had my third cup."

- "Three cups in already"- (Y/N) narrowed her eyes and turned to her desk, giving me her back- "How long have you been awake?"

- "Not as long as Morgan, I tell you that,"- I pointed at him, walking out of Strauss's office and heading back to our conference room.

- "Let's help him, then."

(Y/N) walked quickly, and I followed closely. I wished I hadn't said no to that coffee. I really needed one to go through that morning.

During that morning, Derek questioned Sanderson again and finally took him and Rossi back to his house, trying to trigger any memory that might help us crack the case. Meanwhile, the rest of the team and I stayed back in the office, repeatedly going through the case files. So far, all we knew is that a team had attacked Sanderon's home and framed him for the murder of his wife and daughter.

The whole day, I focused on work ‘cos it's my favorite escape, and clearly, there was something more important to think of than whatever was going on with my life. But my head was killing me. The migraines were starting to get more intense, and I think they got worse the more thinking I gave to my relationship with (Y/N).

- "It sounds like we need to profile a dormant killer"- Ashle's voice surprised me when I was pouring myself a cup of fresh coffee in the kitchenette.

- "A very lucky one. He was essentially given a gift, a patsy in the form of Don Sanderson, and he'll do anything to protect that story."- I answered, thinking I didn't want to be in Sanderon's shoes, trying to clear my name of something I hadn't done.

- "When someone has a secret this big, everything becomes a lie."

Somehow, Seaver's words hit me. I'm sure she didn't mean to strike a nerve, but she did. I had been in love with my best friend for too long, and now it was starting to affect my life. I didn't want it to get in the way of work, and we were at work most of our time together. But there was nothing I could do about it. I just had to keep on faking everything was normal.

- "He'll most likely be pathological,"- I nearly choked at my own words as I tried to shake away the thoughts from my head.

- "So, we're looking for a liar in D. C. I thought we were trying to narrow this down."- Ashley tried to joke and waited for my reaction but didn't get anything. Instead, I just cut her a straight smile and walked away.

By the end of the night, Morgan had gotten the unsub. But I was still a mess. It had been the longest day in weeks, not just ‘cos I had barely slept the night before, but because I was overthinking everything that happened around me. It was exhausting.

- "Are you coming, Batsy?"- (Y/N) asked me and grabbed her bag after putting on her coat. I stood from my desk and nodded.

- "Yes, ma chère."

- "Where are you guys going tonight?"- Derek asked and smiled at us- "No. Don't tell me, planning this year's matching Comic-Con costumes"- I chuckled and probably blushed, busted.

- "We already settled those, Derek. We are way ahead of schedule this year,"- (Y/N) answered and stuck out her tongue to him.

- "(Y/N), can you give me a second before you go?"- Prentiss stood up and smiled at my friend, who just nodded and walked with her to the conference room. Derek and Seaver looked at me.

- "What?"

- "Do you know what's that about?"- Morgan questioned me.

- "I have no idea."

(Y/N)'s point of view

- "Please don't freak out,"- Emily smiled and turned to me after she closed the door behind her back- I just needed to clear the air a little bit between us.

- "What? Why? Is there something wrong?"

- "I don't know, I just feel you have been acting weird lately, and I needed to know if it has something to do with me supervising Seaver."

I nearly gasped. Not ‘cos I felt insulted but ‘cos I felt caught. I knew I hadn't been subtle about my feelings for Seaver. I just didn't want them to get in the middle of work.

- "I haven't been weird with you, Emily, and I don't think I've been acting strange."

- "Come on, you don't like Ashley, and I offered to supervise her while she works with us."

- "Yes, but neither of those has anything to do with me and you. We are friends, Emily."

- "I know, and I wanna honor that friendship, (Y/N). I love working with you. I just want you to know I'm not… I just… I'm trying to help Seaver start her career."

- "I understand that. We are ok,"- I tried to reassure her, but I knew she could read between my bullshit.

- "Do you think you could try to be a little bit nicer with her?"

- "Nicer?"

- "Yes, (Y/N). She is making an effort to get along with the team, and you've been giving her the cold shoulder since day one." -I crossed my arms on my chest, obviously annoyed and defensive.

- "I have been friendly with her, Emily. I just don't like her, and you can't force me to be her friend."

In my defense, in my mind, that argument didn't sound as childish as it did when I said it out loud.

- "Don't be selfish! Just because you are jealous, you can't deprive her of the opportunity of a lifetime with this team."

Emily's words were knives against my ego and nearly destroyed my facade. I stared into her eyes and wondered how to get out of that situation without hurting my friend. I could pretend I didn't know what she was talking about, but we both knew that was bullshit. I could actually try to tell her how I felt, but it was so humiliating I refused to open up. So instead, I just nodded and smiled at her.

- "I'm sorry that's how you see me. I'll try to be a better version of myself tomorrow,"- and needless to say, I turned around and left.

- "(Y/N), please wait,"- but I didn't stop walking. I refused to continue talking about Seaver with anyone. I refused to deal with feelings or the real world.

- "Everything ok?"- Spencer asked me the second he saw me appear by his side.

- "Yes,"

- "You are blushing. Did you and Prentiss argue?"

- "No, honey. We didn't argue. She just wanted to check on me ‘cos she was worried I was mad at her. But that's all."- Spencer just nodded and looked at me in silence.- "Why don't we just go home and forget about today, honey?"

Easier said than done.

So Seaver was getting under my skin. And it was getting harder to control. That week was hell, and I didn't want to show it. Eventually, I talked with Emily again, and I tried to explain to her I wasn't being mean with Seaver. I just didn't like her. And though I gave Emily my word to be friendlier with Ashley, the circumstances weren't really helping.

Things didn't get any better than Friday night. No, if anything, that was the night that made it all worse. Prentiss, JJ, and I got together at Garcia's house and had a few drinks before leaving for Anderson's birthday. I was making my biggest effort to have fun and ease my mind. Spencer said he wasn't sure he'd make it ‘cos he was tired, and automatically I almost turned out the whole deal, but Penelope literally dragged me to her house and put a beer in my hand.

- "You, my young lady, are going to put some makeup on, a hot dress, and we are going to party!"

- "But PG, I'm not…"- but she didn't let me out of it. Instead, she shushed me and raised an eyebrow, looking pretty convincing.

- "No "but." You are going. End of the conversation."

So she dragged me to the bar, along with Prentiss and JJ, who had left Will with little Henry to join us for what was promised to be one epic girl's night.

Anderson was so happy to see us. He was a sweetheart who was always willing to help us. I knew technically he didn't work at the BAU, but he was always there whenever we needed him. We all felt he was part of the team.

- "Sonny!!"- I yelled and hugged him tight

- "I'm so glad you girls made it!!"- and his smile was priceless- "JJ!!"- he actually yelled when he saw her and ran to give her a triple bear hug.

- "Grant Anderson!! I can't believe it's really you!!"

- "I've missed you so much!! How's Henry?"

- "So big!! I feel I haven't been out with friends in so long!"- JJ looked around, and her face kept lighting up as she recognized more friends and acquaintances from Quantico. I looked around and recognized Morgan already flirting with a woman at the other side of the bar.

- "Looks like chocolate thunder knows how to keep himself busy,"- I joked, and Garcia turned immediately.

- "Have you ever seen him shirtless?"- she asked in a lower voice and leaned a little closer to me, just to make sure no one would listen- "I'm sure it's illegal looking so good in real life."

I laughed and turned to see Prentiss walk to the bar to get us the first round of drinks. Ok, I'll admit it, I was having a great time. I know I didn't want to go at first, but spending time with my work friends and not just with Spencer was refreshing. Not that I didn't do fun things with the rest of the team, but my relationship with Spencer, I mean the friendship that pretty much looked like a relationship, consumed most of my time. But I just loved being with Reid more than anything.

But one night without him wasn't going to be the end of the world. Right?

Right.

Anderson and I danced and laughed. It was all very innocent. And though I've never considered myself a hot chick or whatever, a few guys asked if they could get me drinks, and I kindly declined. I wasn't looking for a one-night stand or anything. I just wanted to have fun with my friends.

- "And where's Reid?"- Anderson asked as we reached our table, where Prentiss and JJ were catching up and laughing.

- "Home, he said he was tired."

- "And? When are you two going to come clean about your relationship? You know, having the confirmation of your romance would be the best birthday present you could ever give me."

- "Grant Anderson, you nosy bastard!!"- I hit his arm and heard his laughter- "You know we are not dating!"

- "Come on!! I mean it! You have to get together! You are like the FBI sweethearts!!"

- "Shut your face!"- Anderson laughed even harder and took a look around the bar

- "So, if you are not dating Spencer, I have a friend who asked about you."

- "Who? What friend? Is he here?"- Garcia shouted question after question as she had overheard the whole conversation and even moved closer.

- "His name is James. He saw you on the news a few months ago, at a press conference with Rossi, and has been asking about you ever since."

I frowned and looked at Garcia, who was wide-eyed staring at Anderson. I had no idea what was going on. It was bizarre.

- "No, thank you?"- I whispered, not even sure of what I should answer at that- "I'm very flattered, Grant, but… I'm really not looking for someone right now."

- "You are not?"- Garcia asked me, and I just shook my head.

- "No, I have too much going on in my life, with work and… well… what we do…"

- "Really?"- Anderson sounded a little disappointed- "Well, in case you change your mind, James is…"

- "(Y/N)? Can I talk to you for a second?"- Garcia grabbed my arm and crawled me to a side of the bar.

- "What? What is it?"

- "Munchkin, you know I love you."

- "Yes, I love you too, PG."

- "That's why I feel like I need to be honest with you, ‘cos you've always been so sweet, and we've known each other for years now, and I feel like if I don't tell you this, you are never going to forgive me."- Penelope was nearly hyperventilating as she spoke.

- "Ok, what is it? You are scaring me."

- "You have to tell Reid how you feel."

- "What?"

- "He has to know! You have to tell him!"

- "I don't wanna talk about what, Penelope"- I tried to walk away from her, but she stopped me, grabbed my arm, and pulled me back.

- "No, (Y/N). He loves you, I'm not a profiler, I don't even play one on tv, but I am sure what I see in his eyes when he looks at you is love… ‘cos it's the same you have when you look at him!"

- "Son of a bitch!!"- the words escaped my lips as my heart nearly left my chest.

- "No, (Y/N)!"- but Garcia lost my attention that second, ‘cos all I could see was Spencer Walter Reid walking into the bar and Ashley Seaver hanging from his arm.

- "What do you want me to tell him, Garcia? To have fun with his new girlfriend?"- I pointed at the door, and her jaw nearly hit the floor.

- "Ok, no. There has to be a reasonable explanation for that!"

- "Yes, but Spencer being in love with me is not the explanation. I'm gonna get a drink."

Spencer's point of view

I was surprised to get Ashley's phone call that night. When my phone rang, I was ready to go to bed. My head was killing me. I had already scheduled an appointment with the doctor for some exams. I was starting to have a bad feeling about what those headaches really were, and I was too scared to tell anyone what was going on. Not even (Y/N).

Actually, of all people, she was the one I wanted to keep in the dark. Why? ‘Cos ever since we met she had taken care of me, I didn't think it was fair. She had taken me into her life and given me a place in it. And sometimes, I felt I was a burden. She helped me overcome all of my traumas and even my drug addiction. She introduced me to her best friends and made me part of her life. (Y/N) had taken trips with me to Las Vegas just to see my mom, ‘cos she knew it was hard for me to do it on my own. If it hadn't been for her, I would have probably spent over a year without visiting her. Now, we took a weekend to see mom every few months.

Why would I trouble her with some headaches? It wasn't fair.

When Ashley called, for a moment, I thought it might be (Y/N), asking me to pick her up. But no. It wasn't her that time.

- "Hey Spence, I'm sorry to bother you, but… are you at Anderson's party?"

- "No, actually, I'm in my house."

- "Why? I thought you were invited too."

- "Yeah, I know, and I was, but I'm kind of tired, and I wanted to come home and get some rest. Why? Are you at the party?"

- "No, but I was getting ready to go. But now I feel kind of awkward asking you."

- "What? What is it?"

- "I just… wanted to know if you could come with me. I'm so sorry, Spence, I didn't know you were tired. I just… I wanted to go to the party, but I feel kind of silly going alone. I wanted to ask Prentiss, but she left with (Y/N) and Garcia, and I felt so awkward asking…"

I wanted to groan, roll in my bed and hide under my pillow. But Ashley was the new girl, and she deserved to have some fun.

- "Don't worry, I'll take you there,"- I know I whispered my answer ‘cos I didn't really want to do it, but somehow I felt it was my duty.

- "Really?!"- and by the excitement in Ashley's voice, it was clear that was what she wanted to hear.

- "I'll pick you up in half an hour, ok?"

- "Thank you so much, Spence!!"

But when I walked into the bar, I knew I had made a mistake. I felt it in my guts. The same intuition I never followed in my personal life, only on the field.

I quickly looked around as Ashley held on to my arm tightly and walked into the bar with a big smile. I soon found Prentiss and JJ talking at a table filled with empty glasses, and my heart jumped inside my chest at the warm, familiar feeling that my friends gave me. I missed JJ very much. And not just as a team member but as a friend who had been taken away from us. (Y/N) always said I didn't know how to deal with change, neither did she, and the shifts in the team always affected me.

Soon I saw Morgan too, talking with Anderson and some other agents. Garcia had to be close then, but I couldn't see her or (Y/N) anywhere around.

- "Come on! Let's get a drink!"- Ashley said and crawled me to the bar.

- "I don't drink and drive"- I said, and she pouted.

- "Come on! You are no fun! Just one!"

- "No, just water. Thanks,"- I turned and scanned the place. Everybody was there, and they seemed to be having fun. Penelope waved and walked to me suddenly. She cut me a short smile and grabbed my arm.

- "Hey, what the hell are you doing here?"

- "I didn't want to come, but Ashley insisted and…"

- "Hi!"- Ashley appeared by our side and handed me a bottle of water- "I'm so excited to be here! We really needed to decompress after everything that happened this week, right Garcia?"

Penelope stared at us, trying to formulate an answer. I could see her making her bet to say something, but she just didn't. Instead, she just turned around and walked away.

- "Is she ok?"- I didn't know how to answer that, ‘cos Penelope's reaction surprised me. Ashley just looked around and grabbed my arm again.

- "Come on, Spencer! Let's dance!"

- "No, I don't… dance, sorry."

Lucky for me, Prentiss showed up and invited us to sit with her at her table. I don't know if she noticed I was uncomfortable, but I was glad to see her. Being in that bar made me feel pretty awkward and exposed.

I had never been much of a party person. I wasn't used to bars and gatherings until I joined the BAU. When I first met Derek, he tried to take me out a few times and be my wingman. It's obvious he failed at that mission. Meeting people at a bar is the most complicated equation I could ever try to solve. It doesn't work for me, no matter how hard Derek pushed me to do it. He said I had to rely on what made me feel comfortable. But no. It wasn't that I couldn't meet people. It was that I didn't want to meet anyone once I met the woman of my dreams. Even when I knew she could never be mine.

When (Y/N) came along, she started hosting these fun "dinner parties" with Frank, Lu, and Mikey, which changed everything. It was the first time I was hanging out with people my age doing things I actually liked doing. It wasn't about drinking or picking girls in a bar. It was about playing Jenga, or charades, eating pizza, and talking about movies and sometimes even books.

(Y/N) said her friends considered me part of the gang, which was all I ever wanted to hear. That I belonged. It's kind of sad when you think about it, but I don't care. I had never felt like I belonged anywhere, and they made me feel like I was one of them. They took me to their rock shows, and I jumped along with the crowd, knowing I wasn't an outcast there. I was with my friends.

You don't know how good that made me feel. And for years, they were my social comfort and cocoon. Then, when Rossi joined the BAU again, he started hosting fancy dinner parties at his house, and I got to hang out with the whole team without being at a bar, pushed to meet people. And it was so good. (Y/N) always said Rossi's arrival had a cohesive effect on us. Not because he brought us together, but the circumstances of his arrival and everything that happened that first year.

This team is no stranger to trauma, and that's a fact. I think Rossi's dinner parties gave us a space to be ourselves, relax, have a few drinks and enjoy our time together. I think that's when we stepped from being friends to be family.

And I hadn't had one before.

I hugged JJ tight as soon as I saw her smiling at me. I hadn't seen her ever since her goodbye party, over two months before, but we had talked on the phone a few times.

- "I've missed you so much, Spence!!"- she said and held my face with both hands- "You and (Y/N) owe me two babysit nights,"- and I laughed, thinking we promised we'd take care of Henry so she and Will could have a date, but we were called for a case.

- "Wait! It was one night!"- I argued, chuckling- "Why is it two nights now?"

- "‘Cos I lost a very exclusive reservation due to the two of you."

- "Technically, it wasn't our fault, we were called in for a case..."

I smiled and sat next to JJ, and Prentiss sat next to me. Ashley stood by the table and smiled at JJ. Right, they didn't even know each other.

- "It's very nice to meet you, Agent Jareau. The team talks very highly of you,"- she shook JJ's hand and smiled.

- "Ashley, right? Prentiss was just telling me you will be taking your remedial training at the BAU. Congratulations, it's a fantastic team to work with."

- "Thank you,"- I took a look around, still trying to find my best friend around. But it seemed useless, and I was starting to feel worried.

- "Where's (Y/N)?"- I had to ask.

- "She was with Anderson a minute ago,"- Penelope said and looked around- "I am going to look for her and bring her here in a second. I'll be right back."

And so, she was gone.

Prentiss and I pretty much interrogated JJ about her new job and the new team she worked with at the pentagon. I sipped my water and half-listened her answer, ‘cos most of my head was trying to register what was going on around me. No, actually, I was trying to find (Y/N). Penelope had been gone for half an hour looking for her, and I was starting to think something weird was going on. Besides, my head was killing me, and all I wanted was to go home. But I hadn't seen JJ in weeks, and I couldn't waste a chance like that.

Ashley talked with Prentiss too, and every once in a while, she tried to engage in conversation with me. But to be honest, I couldn't really concentrate on anything. I just wanted to know (Y/N) was alright.

- "Excuse me,"- I stood up slowly and looked at my friends- "I'm going to the bathroom, be right back."

- "Can you get us another round on our way back?"- Prentiss asked and smiled guiltily.

- "Sure."

- "Do you need help?"- Ashley tried to stand up, but Emily stopped her.

- "He got it, don't worry."

So I was left on my own. I walked around the bar. In my mind, I kept telling myself I was "looking for the bathroom," but I knew very well I was indeed trying to find (Y/N). I had been in that bar for an hour, and I still hadn't seen her. I was worried.

I walked around the bar and found Anderson. He seemed to be a little shocked to see me there but smiled and hugged me. It was weird hugging people, still. But Anderson was part of the team. It always felt like it. We had known each other for years, and somehow it was like he was in the background of our daily basics.

- "Have you seen (Y/N)?"- I asked him, and he widened his eyes- "What?"

- "Yeah, she's right there, actually… "- Grant Anderson pointed and turned around- "Later, Reid."

- "Bye"- I didn't even look at him. I just turned and looked around to see (Y/N).

But my best friend didn't notice me. She was too busy kissing some guy.

I stood in front of her, not knowing what to do. Her eyes were closed, and her arms were around his neck, so clearly, she wasn't in distress, and no matter how badly I wanted to take her from him, I just couldn't.

For a minute, I couldn't believe my eyes. I just stood there and stared at (Y/N), trying to understand what was going on. I always knew she wasn't meant to be mine, but I had never gotten such a brutal reminder. Not even when she was dating Paul. Watching her kissing someone else was shocking. The way that man put his hands on her waist and held her close to him, just like I always dreamt of doing, was painful.

Painful. That was the only word I can explain how it felt.

I stood there for a minute or so. I really don't know how long it was, but it felt long enough to burn in my memory everything I needed to torture myself with for the rest of my life. I stepped back after a minute. It might have been longer; I really can't recall. And all I managed to do was to walk out of the bar and reach my car.

I opened the door and slammed it as I sat behind the wheel. I wanted to cry and yell. But I didn't do either of those. Instead, I stayed still, staring at the nothing in front of me, trying to erase that fresh memory from my head. But it was impossible. (Y/N) was making out with some guy inside that bar, and there was nothing I could do to stop her. So I did the only thing I could do at that minute. I started the car and got the fuck out of there.

–

DIWK Taglist:

@all-tings-diego @big-galaxy-chaos @muffin-cup @shilohpug @eternalharry @tvandfanfic @fandomtrash2405

Spencer taglist

@calm-and-doctor

General Taglist

@spenxerslut @ash19871962 @babebenhardy @meowiemari @archer561

–

Do you want to be on the taglist or ramble about this chapter with me? Just send me a message here.

Next update: June 23th, 2021

#Spencer Reid #Criminal Minds #Matthew Gray Gubler #Babymetaldoll writes #spencer reid x reader #Spencer Reid fanfiction #hurt #angst #fluff #fools in love #criminal minds re write #criminal minds fanfic #derek morgan #emily prentiss #penelope garcia #david rossi #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid fanfictions #diwk

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poguesofthebau · 3 years

Text

paranoia

summary: meeting dylan einstein, a genius forensic scientist from indianapolis, musters up some unknown insecurities about your relationship with reid. however, morgan-- and reid, once he figures it out-- isn’t willing to let you think that way. warnings: mentions of bombings (as pertaining to the case)

word count: 3k pairing: spencer reid x female!bau!reader

a/n: set in season 10, episode 14, this one was requested by @koc-help! as per usual, it took me forever to write, so i hope you can forgive me for that and enjoy what i came up with!!

bombing cases were stressful. it always seemed harder for you; figuring out a motive, pushing down the overwhelming sympathy for the victims, convincing yourself that all of your team members were safe. because of your unshakable paranoia in the wake of those cases, you were already on edge by the time the team was boarding the jet to indianapolis. and, of course, spencer caught on to the way you were feeling almost immediately.

with the limited information the team had at that point, conversation about the case was reasonably brief. the file was reviewed and discussed, and hotch delegated a role for everyone to take when the jet landed. when the conversation came to a lull, you slid out of your seat, tossing the manilla folder onto the leather before moving to the back of the jet to make a cup of coffee. jj and derek’s voices were audible as they continued to spitball off of each other, masking the sound of spencer approaching where you stood. “hey,” he called to you as he neared. having been enveloped in the chatter your other friends were creating, you jumped at the sound of your boyfriend’s voice. when you looked up at him, his eyebrows were raised in concern at your reaction, immediately making you recoil into yourself. “you okay?”

“yeah,” you breathed, pulling the coffee pot out of its place to pour the liquid into your empty cup. “i’m fine.”

“that’s not very convincing, you know.” you turned to face him then, sighing and internally shaking the dread away. “what is it?”

“i’m not a huge fan of bombings,” you said sarcastically. spencer scoffed a laugh at that, reaching out to tuck a stray hair behind your ear as you continued with a bit more seriousness. “just a little worried. it’s nothing, spence.”

“i’m not used to seeing you worried in this way. are you sure you’re okay? i mean, do you want to talk about it?”

the soft-spoken concern in spencer’s tone along with the expression he was looking at you with warmed your heart. if there was one thing that could take your mind off of a murderous bomber, it was spencer. your eyes flickered over to the rest of the team, making sure no one was paying any attention to you and your boyfriend huddled up in the back of the jet, before you leaned up and pressed your mouth to spencer’s. the kiss was quick, but it was also just the reassurance that you both needed. “i promise, i’ll tell you if i need to talk. for now, i just want to get this son of a bitch and go back home.”

being present for the disarming of the second bomb only worsened your initial paranoia. the thought of an explosive device made you anxious enough; having to stand your ground and comfort an intended victim while a bomb was armed less than a foot from you was a whole new feeling. you trusted morgan to clip a wire without killing you, but the adrenaline in the heat of the moment was hard to shake. it had been a few hours since the scene had unfolded, but you still felt like your heart could possibly jump out of your chest at any moment the morning after the disarming. despite the underlying terror running through your veins, you were critically analyzing everything going on around you. your focus was completely dedicated to the case unfolding around you, because the sooner you cracked it, the sooner your thinly veiled fear would dissipate.

you were digging around in the bed of the pickup truck while einstein, the local forensic scientist, examined the bomb itself. out of your peripherals you saw reid and morgan approaching, but the bulk of your energy was going into analyzing the scene as best you could. your boyfriend’s eyes lingered on you for a few seconds as he neared, immediately gauging the nerves you were trying so hard to conceal. reid made a mental note to address that as soon as he could get you alone, but fought the urge to do so right then. spencer knew you well enough to know that, no matter how freaked out you currently were, your mind was concentrating on the scene before you, and anything else would simply be considered a distraction. he swallowed down the lump in his throat that formed at the thought of not being able to help you before tuning in to the comment einstein began to make. “he really went for a bigger boom this time.”

the short conversation that ensued between the two following that comment was something that shouldn’t have bothered you. you knew it meant nothing; reid wasn’t the only genius in the world who memorized excerpts from anarchy cookbooks or mathematical theories. just because some young, brilliant, beautiful girl knew the same book as spencer didn’t mean you had anything to worry about.

nonetheless, you became very worried about it.

you strolled around to the passenger side of the truck, sliding into the empty seat with a quizzical look on your face. “you know, it’s a wonder that he even realized he triggered the bomb.”

opening the driver’s side door as he spoke, reid slid into the truck next to you. “maybe he heard something when he stepped on the pedal.”

“and knew not to move? i mean, what’s this guy got, an ex-paramilitary background we don’t know about?”

the back and forth continued a few more times, and within a minute you and reid had developed the idea that allen archer, the bomb’s target, could potentially be your unsub. upon this conclusion, einstein spoke up again. “that’s what you guys do. you just talk a lot.” her voice was joking as the words left her lips, and a bright smile graced her face as she spoke. regardless of the playful tone you immediately identified, the words triggered something in you.

“well, there’s also a lot of kicking down doors involved,” morgan interjected from outside the passenger door, shaking you out of your internally-mortified state. you watched as einstein announced her departure then, mustering up a measly close-lipped smile in return to the courteous and friendly glance she offered you before leaving.

as she walked away, her words repeated in your mind. it was so simple for her to summarize; you just talk a lot. a woman so young and so intelligent had just condensed your entire career into a five-word sentence so simple that you couldn’t even disagree. was that truly all you were capable of? talking? bouncing ideas off of your coworkers’ ideas and hoping you’d end up catching the killer that way?

you spent the rest of the day arguing with yourself. in all honesty, your own inner monologue was starting to get on your nerves. despite your most sincere attempts to focus on the case in front of you, you couldn’t shake the feeling that einstein was right. and maybe she was-- maybe your job was nothing compared to hers, and maybe she was a better match for spencer than you could ever dream of being.

this new uncertainty of your career and relationship definitely didn’t help to settle your previously established fear of being blown up at any given moment.

given the circumstances, it was only a matter of time until someone on your team noticed how uneasy you were steadily growing. they knew you. you were y/n-- sometimes stubborn, oftentimes overprotective, and always capable. sure, you had off days at work, just like everyone else. you weren’t always the one to solve the case, but you were always present and attentive, engaged in the investigation with your mind and body. however, right now, your mind was in two places at once. for that reason, you weren’t surprised in the slightest when morgan approached you at the station.

as you walked toward the conference room to find hotch, you were stopped by the familiar voice calling out. “hey, hold on little lady.”

“what’s up, morgan?”

morgan shook his head at that, a knowing look crossing his features as he began to speak. “nuh-uh. what up with you, y/l/n?” you threw him a falsely quizzical look, trying (and failing) to get him off your back by playing dumb. sadly for you, morgan was too good of a profiler and friend to fall for it. “don’t play with me, girl. i know cases like this always get to you a little, but i also know how badass you are. normally you would’ve bounced back from our brush with death by now, so what’s the problem?”

you squinted at him as your face morphed into dismay. of course you couldn’t fool morgan. your mind flickered to penelope, suddenly relating to one of her more commonly made complaints: damn profilers. “my first problem is that you might know me a little too well.” derek scoffed at that, waiting for you to continue. “my second problem? well, my second problem might be that i’m not smart enough, or maybe that spencer is too good for me, or maybe that our job is too easy, or maybe--”

“woah, woah, woah. slow your roll, little missy. ‘spencer is too good for me?’ where’s that coming from?” you blinked slowly in response, not quite willing to give up any more information than you already had. “fine-- i’ll figure it out myself. let’s see: you’ve been acting weird since we got this case, but that’s not what this is about. i’ve seen you on bombing cases before, and this ain’t that. so... oh, i know. is this about a forensic scientist, maybe? maybe one who has the same name as a very smart, very famous--”

“okay, morgan. i get it. you’re a great profiler, and you know my thoughts better than i do. that doesn’t really change the way i’m feeling right now.” your tone was a little sharp, but the look in your eyes was a mixture of sadness and contempt. “and, in case you needed me to put it simply, i’m feeling like shit.”

a look of pity overtook morgan for a moment. he knew what you were going through. sure, he wasn’t dating a genius with an iq of 187, but he knew how it felt to doubt yourself, and especially how it felt to feel belittled for your work. “y/n,” he said, placing his hands on your shoulders and crouching a little to get on eye-level with you. “don’t do that to yourself, kid. don’t forget how hard what we do is, and how important it is. you save lives every day. no matter how you do it, or how much brainpower it takes, there are people all around this world who are alive because of your work. whether they admit it or not, everyone has respect for that. especially our resident pretty boy.”

“i know, morgan,” you sighed. his hands slid from your shoulders as you finally gave in, looking him straight in the eye as you spoke. “sometimes it just feels like he deserves better.”

“just because it feels that way doesn’t mean it’s true. and i can promise you, reid has never felt that way. not about you.” after giving a comforting pat on the arm to go along with his final words, morgan was walking away.

damn profilers, you thought again. why are we always right?

before you got the chance to speak with reid, the team was off again. instead of splitting up this time, you were simply spreading out; hotch and rossi were scouring the crowd of civilians and news crews at the staged ceremony for allen archer, and the rest of you were divided into two suvs with morgan and kate in one and you, jj, and spencer in the other. your talk with morgan had lifted your spirits a bit, but there was still a tightness in the air as you sat beside your seemingly clueless boyfriend.

unbeknownst to you, spencer wasn’t all that clueless. not only had he caught on to your behavior long before anyone else on the team, but he’d also spotted you and morgan’s secretive moment from across the police station. (and, yes, morgan may have whispered “check on your girl” to spencer when you weren’t paying attention. he just wanted to help.) so, while you thought he was in the dark about your current insecurities, reid was very much aware of what was going on in your head. as much as he hated it, though, he was hesitant to acknowledge it with jj in the backseat and the rest of the team on comms. so, like the considerate boyfriend he was, he waited.

it wasn’t until you got back to the police station that spencer got the chance to catch you alone. everyone else was busy preparing to leave for the jet, the bustle of having solved yet another case causing an uplifting distraction for the team. while your friends were distracted, spencer grabbed you by the hand and pulled you into a nearby empty conference room. the surprise on your face was evident when he looked at you, and he couldn’t help but smile. you laughed nervously at his expression, not completely sure what he had taken you aside for. “hi, spence. you okay?”

“i was actually going to ask you the same thing,” he admitted. “except, i already asked you that once during this case, and you weren’t very willing to share, so i was going to approach it in a more insistent way.” although you were amused by this mysterious behavior of his, you were still confused about what exactly spencer was implying that he knew. “did you really think i wouldn’t notice that you were upset?”

“no,” you said unconvincingly.

“y/n, why won’t you just talk to me?” the desperation in his voice almost shattered your heart. the whole time that you’d been in your own head, spencer had been in his. all because you were scared to talk to the one person you trusted more than anyone in the world.

“i’m sorry,” you breathed, taking a step toward him. spencer’s right hand slid around your waist once you got close enough, and your forehead dropped onto his chest as you sighed. when you looked back up to him, spencer was already anticipating eye contact. “i’m sorry i didn’t say anything. i just didn’t want to worry you, or to make you feel like you’d done anything wrong, because it’s not your fault, i just-- i don’t ever want to feel like i’m holding you back.”

“holding me back from what? you could never hold me back.”

“i could, though! you’re this amazingly brilliant genius, and there are so many people out there who are so much smarter than me, and i--”

“is that what this is about? you think you’re not smart?” you felt his hand tense from its place on your lower back, his disbelief clear in his voice.

“no, no-- i mean, i know i’m smart enough. but sometimes when we have cases like this we meet some really, really smart people, and i can’t help but wonder if you would be better off with someone on your intellectual level. someone like einstein.”

“y/n,” spencer seemed stunned at this revelation, and you realized then that morgan had been right. the idea of you not being enough had never crossed spencer’s mind. “you are the person that i’m better off with. you. i don’t-- i’ve never even thought of anyone else as a possibility since i met you. there isn’t anyone else. i mean, before i knew you, i wasn’t even sure that i believed in love at all. the only reason that i know it’s real now is because of you. i can’t think of any statistics of mathematical theories or scientific discoveries to explain or defend it, but i have always known that there isn’t anything for me aside from you. i mean that. no matter how smart anyone else is, or how cool anyone else is, or how compatible anyone else’s intellect is with mine. i love you, y/n.”

and, just like that, your fears were gone. your inner monologue went silent, and the serenity that spencer’s words brought you washed over your entire body. spencer’s arm tightened around your waist, pulling you closer into him. his free hand moved to the side of your face, brushing back your hair as he waited for you to reply. the anticipation on his face sent another rush of absolute love through you, and you quickly closed the gap between you. as your mouth met his, your hands found their way to the sides of his neck, slowly wrapping around until they were laced together behind his head. for what could’ve been an hour, you stood there, melting into spencer as his words of reassurance replaced the chants of uncertainty that had filled your head hours prior. you were forced to pull back from him eventually, but even then your hands remained around his neck and the distance between your faces was minimal as you reopened your eyes. “i love you.”

a knock on the door suddenly interrupted the moment, causing you to release each other as a third party entered the room: morgan. “hey, lovebirds,” he grinned. “nice to see that you’re back to normal. it’s time to head home.” you smiled knowingly at the man, lacing your fingers through reid’s as you followed morgan out of the room. grabbing your belongings on the way out, the three of you headed toward your designated suv, where jj was waiting patiently in the driver’s seat. “so, you finally confessed, huh?”

“of course i did,” you laughed. “no secrets in this relationship.”

“yeah, and i would’ve figured it out eventually anyway.” at spencer’s interjection, it was morgan’s turn to laugh.

“oh, yeah, 187?”

“he is a genius, you know,” you added smugly.

“well, apparently so am i, because i figured it out before he did. oh, and by the way, pretty girl, i told you.” and with that, morgan was jogging off (in a fit of giggles) to the suv, hopping in the passenger seat before you had a chance to jokingly scold him.

damn profilers.

#spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid imagines #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid fic #criminal minds #criminal minds imagines #criminal minds imagine #criminal minds fanfiction #criminal minds fanfic #criminal minds fic #paranoia

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forget-mad-not · 2 years

Text

hi there! (Writing About Works In Progress / WAWIP #1)

here's a post with my possible future fanfiction plans!

(because i feel bold enough to share these with you cool people out there) (and i'd like to feel a bit productive, even though i'm very much not) (and i need motivation to get through exam season) (and maybe someone will be interested) (might delete later)

below the cut are some work titles and brief summaries as they live in my head right now, please, check the tags for fandoms, characters and ships!

(and look, tiny but shameless ao3 ad!)

(ps from the future: i reserve the right to make changes to these stories as they take final form.)

(the gif is a paid actor for attention seeking)

... would you like to play that we die?

fandom: unus annus

an unus annus alternate origin (and obviously ending) story about these idiots (TWO idiots!!!), memento and mori, as they get to know each other, as they try to get through the history of humankind, as they try to be, and then live, and eventually... as they try to die? (this will be so much more poetic than the channel itself would indicate, but i can't help myself.)

if you read that short thing i wrote for @ukulillii's birthday (IT'S DEATH, JIM, RUN!), you already know about mori. kinda. but there's a whole sappy backstory out there. the plot has to thicken, am i right?

A Voice Found Me. It Wasn't Ḿ̸͠i̢͞n̴̨͡͠é̶̡.

fandom: markiplier and jacksepticeye egos

a sequel? a continuation?? a spin-off??? whatever, it's for Story of A P̢u̵p͠p̕e͘t (Regarding Lost Things), from jameson's (tortured, almost completely deprived of his personality, condemned to nothing more than a cruel puppeteering) perspective. i want to experiment even more with writing styles and character voices, plus i really like the interesting chemistry of the host and jj. how their stories can be paralleled and contrasted.

dreams; an entity sings of broken reflections

fandom: markiplier egos (who killed markiplier?) / darkstache (they're husbands, your honour)

this is actually two song-based oneshots! 2in1! with very specific, very easter-egg-like word counts! to parallel each other! to mirror each other! like... a broken reflection. you get it.

in save us from our own two heads: torturing pre!wkm actor mark's dream while he's utterly alone <;3 (affectionate) (i feel sorry for him actually)

in stand up and shake this heart: torturing darkiplier's dream while wilford's sleeping next to them <;3 (also affectionate) (sounds less sad. i will make it sad. that's a promise and a threat.)

some experimental headcanons, with some elements of dream symbolism, and the challenge of whether i can actually write them in the word count i had planned. and i like dream sequences.

I'll Tell Youse Something About Yancy's Childhood

fandom: markiplier egos (who killed markiplier? / a heist with markiplier)

i'll tell youse something! as a son of (actor) mark and celine, yancy's childhood in the markiplier manor was... quite interesting. a bit lonely maybe. he can't remember much of it, though. he knows that - silly thing - he had an imaginary friend. it darkened the dark corners, whispered sweetly from the walls, and was always there when yancy felt alone.

so it's all about child!yancy and the house entity interacting. that's the whole premise. inspired by a scene in elisabeth - das musical. and here i want to crank up the 1920s/gatsby vibe to the max.

my heart-strings are tangled / please, cut-cut-cut them all

fandom: jacksepticeye egos / antistein

i made a reckless promise that one day i would write something... nice with anti and henrik.

well, when i write this, it won't be that day. this will be angst at its finest. (but i think @florenceisfalling, for example, will forgive me for this. right? ... right?)

but what can you do with a doctor and a demon, whose character flaws only fuel each other's until one of them (fatefully) burns out?even if none of them want that to happen. it seems like a preordained tragedy.

this story is so far the least developed of all, but i can already see that anti's little puppet-master skills will be very much at the centre of events, and that it will hurt, but in a very poetic way. ... fffffucking hell, i love them so much.

wow. if you are reading this now, you've actually reached the end of the post. so you've probably made your way through this list. which is incredibly nice, and thank you very much! (and i hope i haven't disturbed anyone's peaceful browsing.)

if you have any questions or comments about these fic plans, feel free to write and ask! ✨

(like, which one interests you most or something. no one is obliged to, of course, but then i might really feel i've been productive)

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poguesrforlife · 4 years

Text

Young and Beautiful | Rudy Pankow - Part 3

Okay first of all I’m sorry it took me so long but here is part three finally. Honestly I don’t know how to feel about this because at first I wanted it to be a filler chapter and then I thought I couldn't let you hang like this so I just poured it all out. I still have some more ideas about where this might go but you guys tell me if this feels already finished to you. AND AS ALWAYS THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! for all the love and support you give, I see you all and couldn't be more thankful xxx

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4

Trigger warning: alcohol, swearing, nothing too smutty, a little angst and a lot of jealousy

Word count: 3,741 word (god this is so long I’m sorry)

Y/N just got the role of her lifetime, starring beside the cast of Outer Banks in the second season as JJ’s love interest. It’s a dream come true and gets even dreamier when she meets Rudy Pankow her alleged love interest. Lines start to blur between reality and film and Y/N is left wondering if taking a leap of faith is worth risking her career.

[GIF not mine credits to owner]

Days passed and filming never stopped, neither did the thought of Rudy in your mind. It was constant, the sun rose and so did your thoughts of him, the night came and so did he in your dreams. By now you were convinced that this feeling would not go away anytime soon.

Maybe some distraction would do you good.

“How about we go out tonight?” You proposed to the girls as you were lounging in your living room, painting toe-nails, scrolling through instagram and what-not.

“Like out out?” Madelyne’s face lit up as she looked up from her bright yellow nail polish and passed the same expression to Madison. You nodded with a smile.

“I’d be down,” Madison agreed and sprang up from the couch in a matter of seconds.

“Oh, this is exciting! Let me call the boys,” Madelyne exclaimed and got up, waddling weirdly with her still wet toe nails to her phone on the kitchen bar.

Your face fell for a second. That was not exactly what you had in mind. You wanted a distraction from Rudy and him dancing in a sweaty club with beautiful women wouldn’t really help your current state of emotions. But you couldn’t let the girls know that. After shooting the other day they wouldn’t shut up about how one could feel the sexual tension between the two of you and you were just happy they hadn’t seen the sex scene.

“You good?” Bailey inquired as she noticed your sour face. You were quick to plaster a fake smile on your lips.

“Yeah, I’m just tired of sitting around all the time. This will do us some good!” You headed towards the bathroom to get a shower before going out and also to have a moment to yourself to prepare for tonight.

“The boys are down as well!” You heard Maddie scream from the kitchen and then she passed by you as fast as she could to look through her wardrobe.

“Somebody is excited,” Bailey muttered beside you but joined her friend with a grin and helped her pick out something to wear.

A couple hours later you were dressed to kill and ready to go. Even though you loved the Outer Banks clothing style, it reminded you of your hometown, it was nice to doll-up every now and then. Madison was taking pictures of you three in the big mirror besides the entry when you heard a knock on the door.

Madelyn was quick to open it and you were met with five handsome men staring back at you.

Chase escaped a whistle when he took all three of you in but you noticed how his eyes stayed on Madelyn just a bit too long. You made sure to remember asking him about it later.

“Well, hot damn,” Rudy exclaimed as he entered the apartment and his eyes landed on the short dresses you were wearing.

“Eyes up here,” Madison warned him with a smile and pointed to her own brown ones.

“Not fair,” Austin gasped, clearly thinking you were playing with their feelings. Maybe you were. When Bailey had proposed to impress some folks tonight you at least had a special someone in mind. Who was to say the others didn’t have too?

Your eyes wandered over the boys outfits, all dressed up and looking incredibly handsome. Rudy sported a cream sweater and a cute little beige hat. You didn’t know why he would wear a hat to go clubbing but you knew he loved them.

“Are you ready to head out then?” Drew smiled at you in his bright yellow shirt and motioned towards the door.

You piled out the door and headed downstairs to get an uber to your favourite club.

“I’m not sure if I like you in heels, Y/N. You’re almost as tall as me,” Chase pointed out as he walked behind you and took in your much taller figure.

“You’ll just have to deal with it, I guess,” You laughed and did an immaculate pirouette on your heels, something you had practiced a thousand times in your room back home.

“Would you look at her,” Madison squealed with joy as she watched your boost of confidence and joined you by linking your hands together and strutting down the sidewalk like it was a runway.

It felt good to really feel yourself again after your uncertain emotions. Even though you noticed how a certain male’s eyes kept looking at your and your friend’s long legs, you didn’t care at the moment. You were having fun and you deserved it.

All of you split up into several cars and then you were on your way to La Push, a vibrating ambient establishment the cast had dug out last year while filming in Charleston. The girls swore that you would have the best night out ever at that particular club.

You were not disappointed as you took in the colourful lights shining on the rustic open brick walls and the retro bar in the corner. The ages of the people were mixed all through but you could clearly see that everybody was enjoying themselves.

“Drinks?” Deion asked and nodded towards an empty table next to the bar and you all headed in the direction through the crowded area of dancing bodies.

“Milady.” Rudy offered you his hand with a posh English accent as you were about to try mastering a step in your heels.

“Thank you, kind sir,” You smiled at him and put your hand in his and let him help you down. You couldn’t keep yourself from curtsying as he laughed at you playing along. His hand held yours tight in his as he led you to some barstools.

“Gin Tonic with a lemon slice for the lady?” He ordered with a questioning look in your direction once the bartender got your attention. You couldn’t believe he memorised your go-to drink, as you nodded thankfully. “And a Corona for me please,” He finished and watched the bartender tend to your order.

After he payed for both of your drinks you thanked him, almost having to scream as the music was too loud, and he grabbed your hand back in his to help you down from the stool.

“Sure thing, sugar.” He gave you that unmistakable Rudy smile and once again the butterflies in your stomach began soaring.

You had to pull yourself together. You were here to distract yourself from him not fall deeper for his charm. Although you had to admit he was not making it easy for you.

Your other friends had ordered at the table and were ready to clink glasses once you joined them.

“To a great night,” JD proposed and raised his glass.

“And to great friends,” You joined in and held up your own Gin Tonic.

“Hear, hear,” Austin agreed and the whole group cheered in joyous laughter as you brought your drinks to the middle. You greeted the familiar taste of the alcohol with open arms and enjoyed the light burning you were quite used to by now.

Once you set your glass back on the table, Bailey raised a brow at your already half empty glass and you simply shrugged your shoulders. You needed to let loose tonight.

“Dance with me,” You screamed over the music and grabbed her hand and your drink and made your way towards the dance floor.

Madison was the best dancer you knew and she proved it to you once again after some R&B music started playing. Your hips were shaking, your arms wildly flailing around and your feet shuffling over the floor as you downed your glass quickly. You already felt slightly buzzed, maybe you should have eaten more before going out.

Jonathan joined the two of you quickly, just as good a dancer as your dear curly friend, and together they stole the show. You watched in awe as they moved to the music so carelessly and were a bit jealous at their easy-going nature.

“C’mon Y/N, show me what you got!” Drew encouraged you suddenly from beside you with an outstretched hand. You slipped closer to him and swayed your hips as he twirled you around in his arms and laughed as he dipped you back. Maybe the distraction would work after all. You didn’t know for how long the both of you danced but you felt absolutely weightless.

“I’m impressed Starkey,” You admitted as he flew with you over the dance floor, not once missing the beat.

“Could say the same about you Y/L/N but I had a feeling you would be a good dancer,” He smirked and turned you around so your back was pressed against his chest and let his hands wander to your hips.

At this point you were on your third drink, a bit too intoxicated, and not quite sure if this scenario would play out well. Drew was the perfect gentleman and absolutely sweet and handsome. You liked him a lot but… But he wasn’t Rudy. His hands on your body didn’t feel like a wildfire and his scent didn’t drive you crazy and his smile did not make your head spin. You cursed yourself for these thoughts.

You looked up, your eyes roaming the club for a certain blond head of hair. You noticed Chase and Maddy dancing intimately with each other in one corner but chose to ignore it, you had a different mission.

“I’ll be right back,” You told Drew with an apologetic smile as you turned to look at him and he looked confused for a second. “I’m just going to the bathroom.”

“Be careful in here, it’s better if you don’t go by yourself,” He reminded you, always the protective type, and looked out over the club probably searching for Bailey.

“I’ll be fine,” You reassured him with a pad on the chest and slipped out of his embrace towards the restrooms.

On your way there you finally found your man of the hour. To your amusement Rudy was dancing with an elderly woman to some pop song and looked like he was having the time of his life. You felt the corners of your mouth lifting as you took in the scene.

You slipped into the restroom to freshen up as your eyes met the mirror. The carefully applied makeup from Madison was smeared under your eyes, your lipstick long gone and your hair was basically a mess. But despite all you looked happy, you looked alive. You quickly touched up your appearance and rejoined the others.

As soon as you stepped out however you were met with quite the unpleasant sight. There was a beautiful woman next to Rudy, one arm on his biceps as she leaned forwards to say something to him. It shouldn’t bother you, you knew that he was an attractive man with many qualities. But as his hand rested on her waist your throat tightened and you felt embarrassment deep in your bones. Of course he didn’t want you the same way you did. It was just acting and you were friends, it didn’t mean anything. But it had meant something, to you anyways. And that’s what you got for giving into your feelings. You watched them laughing together, inching closer to each other each second and your heart burned in pain.

You turned around stumbling to your table as you tried to suppress the tears welling in your eyes. How could you have been so stupid? It was a stupid crush nothing more.

Drew’s eyes lit up as you made your way towards his sitting figure at the table next to some of your friends. You had two choices here: Going home now and giving in to your stupid irrational feelings and ruining your night. Or doing what you were here for and distract yourself with a fucking good time. The answer came to you immediately.

“I don’t know about you guys but I was thinking about some tequila!” You proposed with a big fake smile as you looked at your friends and the others cheered in chorus.

“A round of tequila shots for the table please,” Chase told the waiter and soon enough salt, limes and shot glasses filled to the brim with the transparent liquid were brought to you.

“Cheers bitches!” You clinked glasses, licked up the salt on your hand, downed the shot of the devil’s brew and bit in the sour lime and laughed at the faces the others made after finishing their own shots.

You were having a good time tonight, even if it took killing your mind to do so. Which seemed to be the only option after another round of shots and some more Gin Tonics and you still felt like shit every time your eyes met Rudy’s figure. The girl from before was long gone but you couldn’t help but feel betrayed. How did he not see that you were obviously hooked on him?

He came back to your table were everybody was laughing and having a good time, everyone except you it seemed.

“Are you alright?” He asked and plopped down beside you, throwing his arm over the couch behind you.

“Just peachy,” You heard the slurring in your voice yourself not as clear as you wanted it to be and cringed a bit. But just because you were drunk that didn’t mean you had a problem. You were fine.

“How much did you have to drink?” He inquired concerned and you saw his forehead wrinkle. Your hand automatically reached out to brush his worry away.

“What’s it to you, sugar?” You deliberately used the nickname he had given you before and you actually saw a smirk on his face as you drew your hand away from his forehead, the sour expression gone.

“I think it’s better if I take you home,” He laughed when you fell back against the couch trying to look mad at him.

“I can take myself home, thank you very much,” You argued, your words still a bit slurred. He could take the fucking girl from before home for all you cared. He hadn’t spoken to you all night and suddenly he wanted to take care of you. That’s not how that shit worked.

“Besides,” You interrupted him as he was about to say something else, “You didn’t dance with me all night. I really wanted to dance with you,” You pouted and cursed yourself a second after you registered what slipped out your mouth. Your eyes widened and you sat back up. Maybe you had an alcohol problem after all.

“Then dance with me, sugar.” Your head whipped around as soon as you heard him. He leaned back against the couch, an easy smirk playing on his lips as he eyed your figure. He never looked sexier to you.

“Let’s go then!” You jumped from the table, a bit too fast and swaying a bit, but you had to prove something to yourself. You could easily be friends with Rudy without any sexual tension. You just had to separate him from your roles in your head.

His arm sneaked around your waist seconds after and he pulled you down towards the dance floor, making sure you didn’t miss any steps like before. The feeling of his hand around you drove you insane so you grabbed it and shove it away with a grin. You were perfectly capable of walking by yourself. He just laughed and shook his head at your swaying figure. You were not sure what exactly was so funny to him in this moment.

His hands however found yours again quickly as he held them and twirled you around carefully, pushing and pulling you every which way. You absolutely adored him but you needed distance. God, why had you willingly agreed to dance with him? Well, it had been your idea but anyways.

You were glad when a faster song by Lizzo started and you entangled yourself from him to sway your hips on your own. Not many knew it but you danced a lot better when you were drunk for some reason. You were a lot less uptight and celebrated every body part of yours with free flowing moves. Rudy obviously enjoyed your newfound confidence as he mirrored your carelessness to the beat and cheered for you. The both of you were singing along to the music, jumping up and down and shimmying back and forth, having the time of your life. At one point you stole his head and put it on yourself, convinced that you looked irresistible with it but Rudy just laughed and got it back before throwing to your table where Austin caught it with a grin.

“Have I told you how good you look tonight?” He screamed over the music as he pushed himself closer to your body. His scent invaded your space and you immediately forgot why you had wanted distance from him in the first place.

“Tell me again,” You giggled and got closer to him as well. The songs changed again, something more sultry and slower, maybe the Weeknd or Miguel you weren’t sure as your attention was directed at yet another man.

“You look absolutely radiant,” He breathed and his alcoholic breath mingled with yours that’s how close you were.

Rudy’s hands found your waist again and this time you didn’t push him away. The opposite, you rested your hands on his broad chest, feeling his fast beating heart under your right hand. He pulled you closer as you were obviously giving in to him and swayed his hips against yours, the movement making your head spin.

“Are you drunk?” You asked him. You needed him to be sober so at least one of you would remember this moment tomorrow after everything else faded away. You needed him to remember how your bodies felt pressed together in this moment. How your hearts were beating in synch to the bass rocking through you.

“Absolutely intoxicated,” He answered with a straight, sexy voice. He didn’t sound drunk to you but his words proved you different.

“Maybe we should-“ You stopped mid sentence as you pulled back and saw his hungry eyes directed at your lips. Whatever you wanted to say left your senses in that very second.

“…stop?” Rudy finished your sentence questioning but not making any moves to stop any of this, whatever this was. “I don’t ever want to stop. I just wanna spend forever getting high off what it feels like to be around you.”

Your breath caught at his words and your eyes slipped from his lips to his blue eyes, illuminated by the club lights occasionally. You saw the hunger in them, the unmistakable lust that was a hundred percent mirrored in your own y/e/c eyes.

He described perfectly what if felt like to be around him, like you were high, intoxicated by him. And that feeling, you never wanted it to end.

“I’m drunk…” You told him but let out the ‘on you’ part that definitely was a part of this sentence.

“I know, me too. And I know we shouldn’t do anything that we might regret tomorrow,” He took a deep breath and one of his hands cupped your face. “But I can’t stay away from you any longer.”

“I feel the same,” You admitted and bit your lip to keep a smile from showing on your face. But it didn’t matter as Rudy’s lips moved into a grin.

“If two people can’t stay away from each other, maybe they aren’t supposed to.” You nearly groaned at his annoying habit of always being able to say the perfect thing at the right time.

You moved closer to him, your arms slung around his neck and your hips still slowly moving to the music. Your eyelids dropped as your mouth longed for his, feeling his breath on your lips.

Unexpectedly soft his mouth landed on yours, so different from the kisses you shared on set. His lips slowly moved with yours, taking his time to get used to the feeling. And even though the heat from the other times lacked it was no less passionate. You poured every fibre of your being into kissing him and really feeling him. He tasted like tequila and forbidden dreams and if you weren’t drunk before, you definitely were now.

Rudy became more needy as the kiss went on, his lips moving faster and his hands pulling you closer against him. When his teeth caught your lower lip you were done for. Without any regard for reason you gave into him. His tongue slipped into your mouth battling with yours for dominance. Your mouths bumped clumsily against each other as you were smiling into the kiss, teeth biting here and there occasionally but you couldn’t care less. You had waited for this for too long to show any signs of hesitation. After what felt like an eternity you pulled apart, breathing heavily. Your eyes locked and it felt like ecstasy was coursing through your veins.

“There you are! We’ve been looking for you for at least an hour.” You were thrown into ice-cold water as JD’s voice pulled you back into reality. You looked at him, the rest of your friends heading towards the door. Rudy and you shuffled apart awkwardly and fixed yourself a little. Your short dress had ridden up and his hair was all over the place.

“C’mon guys, we’re leaving!” Chase shouted from afar.

Your eyes wandered to Rudy, a content smile lying on his swollen lips as he stared at the floor. His hand slipped around yours and he pulled you after him, walking backwards so he could look at you.

“Our little secret,” He said with a wink and cupped your cheek in his other hand, before pecking your lips once again secretly and then following the others outside and to the Ubers taking you back to your flats.

You were still not fully understanding what had just happened, if it was all a feverish dream caused by the alcohol. But every time you thought that this could only be in your imagination Rudy’s hand on your thigh or around your waist pulled you back into reality. This was no longer part of a role, this was real life. And you would enjoy every second of it.

Tags: @lovelymaybankk @sspidermanss @1d5sosddl @arthiriticcricket @teamnick @lieswithoutfairytales @styles-xoxo @normatural @k-k0129 @mileven-reddie @perfektionsmakel @1-800-imagines @http-cherries @golden-eroda @outofstyles13 @jj-maybank-stan @fandom-phaser @hopelesswritingxd @teenwaywardasgardian @poguecollins @jjswhore @xpastel-kawaiix @styles-edward-harry @rollinsstuff @obx-baby @masintahin @floretsoleil @ivebeenthinkingboutu @fandomxreaders @ilikealotofpeople-younotsomuch @pookie-cleary @kiarascarreras @runway-to-my-aid @saturnspack @sunshinemadds @hucklebaefinn @baileythepenguin @spider6oy @whoreforouterbanks @diego-klaus-hargreeves

(I hope I didn’t miss anyone! If you’re not on here but would like to be send me a quick message xx)

#outer banks #outer banks fanfiction #outer banks netflix #outer banks imagine #rudy pankow #rudy pankow fanfiction #rudy pankow imagine #rudy pankow x reader #rudy pankow smut #rudy pankow fic #jj maybank #jj maybank x reader #jj maybank fanfiction #jj maybank imagine #jj maybank fic #by poguesrforlife

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general-kenobi357 · 3 years

Text

Someday Soon-Chapter 10

Pairing: JJ Maybank x Fem!OC

Summary: The Pogues work together to get John B off the island, a difficult task to complete when everything seems to be falling apart all around them.

Note: The last chapter of season 1, exciting but also sad. I probably won't be updating this series until after season 2 comes out so that I have it as a base but I do have a few oneshots I have been working on that I might post in the meantime. I hope you enjoyed my spin on the first season!

Word Count: 4.1k

🔅🔆🔅

I paced around the Wreck waiting for the others to wake up. JJ stood on the opposite side of the room clicking a lighter on and off. We hadn’t spoken to each other since last night and every time he caught my eye I would quickly look away.

I saw Pope starting to wake up before he made his way to where JJ stood watching police cars drive by.

“He's pinched for sure, man.” JJ said to Pope as I continued to pace while I listened to their conversation.

“No. They wouldn't still be patrolling if they caught him.” Pope reasoned.

“Let's hope.” JJ spoke defeatedly.

“You know, we were in that car. They're probably looking for us, too.” Kie spoke up, alerting us all that she had woken up.

“Well, if we're gonna be outlaws, we might as well help John B.” Pope addressed us all.

“So, find him before they do?” JJ asked while we watched Pope grab the keys to JJ’s bike and make his way towards where I had stopped near the door. “Pope?”

“I'm gonna get gas for the boat.” He explained before turning to me. “You coming?”

“Uh, yeah.” I answered unsure, I figured it was better than staying here with Kie and JJ.

“Hey, you be careful.” Kie told Pope. “Okay?”

“Meet us at the dock at three. Don't be late.” Pope reminded the pair we were leaving behind before we made our way outside.

“Okay, what is your problem?” Kie asked Pope, I didn’t even hear what had happened between the two and I was pretty sure I knew what his problem was.

“No problem, Officer. I'm just doing my job.” Pope answered as we got onto the bike.

“Look, I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings.” Kie tried to tell him as he started up the bike and revved up the engine.

“What was that?” He asked as if he had no control over the sounds of the bike.

“Look, I didn't mean to.” Kie tried again.

“Sorry, I can't hear you. What was that?” Pope kept taunting.

“Pope let’s go.” I told him, getting impatient with the game he was playing.

“Pope, I'm being serious…” Kie yelled as Pope lifted his feet off the ground as we started to drive away. “I'm trying to talk to you!”

I looked back as Pope drove off and locked eyes with JJ, his face was painted with concern and it looked like he wanted to say something but we were already too far away. I turned my head back around and gazed at the road over Pope’s shoulder. My grip tightened around his waist, in all the excitement of Kie and Pope’s argument, I hadn’t had time to rethink if I really wanted to get on the back of this death trap with a newly sober Pope driving.

“Are you good to drive?'' I called to him over the sound of the engine.

“Yeah I’m fine.” He reassured me, I supposed I would have to trust him as I didn’t really have any other options at the moment.

🔅🔆🔅

Once we arrived at Heyward’s we found a couple of empty gas canisters that we carried over to the gas pump out front. As we waited for the first one to fill up I tapped my foot on the ground, anxious to get back to the others. Even if we were fighting it was better to all stay together than to get split up.

“So.” I started unsure if I should continue or just keep my mouth shut. Pope was my only friend that was not on the run or not speaking to me at the moment. “You and Kie?”

“You and JJ?” Pope countered clearly not wanting to talk. I chuckled at his response to me.

“No, if yesterday proved anything it was that there is no me and JJ.” I explained.

“Yeah well that sounds about the same for me and Kie.” He finally said to me.

As much as the situation we were in sucked it was almost comforting to know that I wasn’t the only one feeling this way.

We were quiet again as he switched the tanks and I put the cap back onto the now full one.

“Look at you two.” I heard a deep voice say from behind me. Turning around I found Heyward standing a few feet away, arms crossed over his chest. “Like some damn street hoods out here stealing gas from me. Isabella, I thought your mama raised you better than that and my own blood, I don’t know which one disappoints me more.”

“We're not stealing.” Pope tried to explain, I shook my head at him knowing it would be better if we stopped talking.

“Stop lyin'. I saw it in your damn hand.”

“Our friend is in trouble, and we need to help him.” I tried to defend, figuring it was too late to not get into trouble.

“John B did not kill anybody.” Pope added.

“Says who?” Heyward challenged.

“Says me.”

“I'm supposed to believe you?” Heyward continued. “After you ran out on your interview? Shit, boy, get in the house.”

“No.” Pope said staring right at him. I didn’t like where this was going.

“Oh, you a man now? Huh?” Heyward continued to push. “You wanna have a go at it with me? Is that it?”

“I'm taking these cans. You’re not gettin' in my way.” Pope said going to grab the gas canisters.

“Oh, I'm gettin' in your way.” Heyward said, walking past me to stand right in front of Pope. “And one day, you might be able to whoop my ass, but it ain't today.”

“That right?” Pope asked, getting angrier with every word.

“Yeah.” Heyward concluded just as Pope threw a punch at him. I stumbled back shocked that he had actually done it.

“Pope stop!” I tried to yell but it came out as a whisper.

“Oh, yeah! It's gonna take a little more than that. Try again.” Heyward challenged again after recovering from the first blow. Come on. You wanna hit your daddy? Try again. Hm? You want to hit me?”

I put a hand on Pope’s shoulder and as he turned it was like he realized what he had just done.

“I don't have time for this. I gotta help my friend.” Pope said as he turned away from his father.

We both grabbed a gas canister and tied them to the sides of the bike. I could see the tears streaming down Pope’s face as we climbed onto the bike.

“Yeah, yeah, you just go ahead. Yeah, you take everything, son. And Isabella don’t think I’m not telling your mama about this!” I heard Heyward continue to yell at us as Pope started up the bike. “You're an ungrateful son of a bitch, Pope.”

“It’s okay Pope. It’s gonna be okay.” I tried to comfort him as we drove off and Heyward’s threats faded.

🔅🔆🔅

As we pulled up to the garage that held The Phantom we heard yelling and clattering from inside.

“What the hell?” I asked Pope who looked just as confused.

I noticed two dirt bikes parked near the door as I pointed to them Pope nodded to confirm he saw them too. We rushed towards the door and Pope grabbed some old pipes on the way.

“Be careful.” I said as he passed me one of the pipes.

As we ran inside I wasn’t sure what to look at. Kie was being screamed at by some blond whose face I couldn’t see and JJ was one the ground being punched by Barry, the guy who had tried to take the gold from us.

“Hey! Don't touch her!” I heard Pope scream as he began to bash the blond’s back.

I moved towards where Barry was and hit him with the pipe in my hand. It didn’t seem to do much damage but it was enough to distract him and give JJ time to punch him square in the jaw. After we got the gun out of his hand JJ essentially beat Barry to a pulp.

As Barry laid out on the ground groaning in pain we moved to where Kie stood watching as Pope began to strangle the blond who I now recognized as Rafe Cameron.

“Pope.” Kie called to him as we watched him continue to beat on Rafe. “Pope, that's good! Stop!”

“He's had enough, dude.” JJ added trying to get Pope to stop.

“Snap out of it, Pope!” I said as JJ tried to pull them apart.

“Okay, we gotta go.” Kie reminded us as Pope finally let go of Rafe.

JJ and Kie rushed away to finish hooking up the boat but I stayed standing next to Pope as he looked at me terrified.

“It’s okay Pope. You’re fine.” I tried to tell him but I felt just as shocked as he looked.

“Stay off the cut.” Pope threatened Rafe who laid at our feet half conscious.

“Pope. Iz. We gotta go.” Kie called as she got into the car.

“Let’s go.” I said to Pope, taking his arm and guiding him towards the car.

As we drove away I noticed Pope staring at his hands as if they didn’t belong to him. I took both of them so he would stop and as we got further from the garage I continued to try and reassure him that he was fine.

🔅🔆🔅

Once we had arrived at the boat launch we had all silently begun to silently load up the boat after getting it into the water. Kie and Pope were standing watch as I packed the last of the food into compartments and behind me JJ checked the engine over. Once I was done I turned leaning on one of the seats as JJ checked various switches.

“A 1983 Formula 402 SR1.” JJ marveled at the boat.

“Mm-hm. The first boat to make the run to Bermuda in under 16 hours.” I added, with the number of times he had told me about this boat, I would never forget the speech he made every time he saw it. “Forty years old! And still the fastest thing that Kildare's ever seen.”

“Huh, seems like you’ve heard about her before.” JJ mused as he stood up to face me.

“Yeah once or twice.” I teased him, the smile on my face grew as he moved closer to me. I thought he was leaning in closer to my face when Pope interrupted us.

“Dude, where is he?” Pope asked worriedly. JJ cleared his throat as he turned away from me to address Pope.

“Give him a second. He'll be here. He's coming. He'll be fine.” JJ reassured us all.

“Shit.” I muttered as I spotted the lights of a cop car approaching us.

“Hey, yeah. Get back on the boat.” Kie told Pope as she moved to start untying it from the dock.

“Wait.” JJ stopped us all as we turned to see someone getting out of the cop car.

“No way.” I mumbled with a smile as I recognized John B closing the door behind him.

“No effing way.” Pope added.

“I'm sorry. You've gotta be kidding me.” Kie continued laughing.

“Shoupe let me take it for a spin.” John B explained as he walked towards the boat.

“Okay. That's believable. I'll buy that for now.” Kie said, she hugged John B before he hopped onto the deck of the Phantom where JJ and I stood.

“It wasn't easy, bro, but I got the Phantom for you, and she runs like she was made yesterday.” JJ told John B, handing the keys over. “You ready to go?”

“Where's Sarah?” John B asked, noticing she was absent from the group.

“She's not with you?” Kie asked him.

“No, we got separated in the swamp.” John B explained his worry growing. “She said she'd meet me here.”

“No, we haven't seen her.” I told him.

“Okay, well, I'm not leaving without her.” John B concluded.

“John B, look at me.” JJ started to say. “I know you feel bad for leaving, but there's no time, man. You've got plenty of gas, plenty of food. Once you get around that point, it's a straight shot across the sound to Dismal Swamp, okay? Once you get there, lay low, all right? Hang out for a couple of weeks and then go overland, cross the border at Brownsville, you got that? Brownsville. You... Hey! You got that?”

“Yeah, yeah. Brownsville.” John B confirmed only half paying attention to what JJ was telling him.

“All right. Saddle her up, saltwater cowboy. Let's do this.” JJ said, hopping over the side of the boat onto the dock.

“Hey, John B.” I said, pulling him into a bone crushing hug. “I love you.”

“Yeah. I love you too.” He mumbled back to me. I felt like I was losing my brother as we pulled apart and I jumped down onto the dock. John B paused for a moment as he looked at us all. “Hey. I'm sorry for basically... throwing us off a cliff with this whole treasure hunt thing.”

“John B, we were bound to run off a cliff at some point, right?” JJ said, as we all laughed at his statement.

“Yeah.” He confirmed.

“At least we did it together, though.” I told him with a sad smile.

“Pogue style.” Pope said.

“Pogue style.” We all repeated.

“Get out of here! Please. Now.” Kie told John B, reminding us all we were running out of time.

“We'll see you in two months, down in Mexico.” Pope reassured John B as we started to untie ropes.

“Hey, wait... wait a second.” John B stopped us before we could push the boat out. “Tell Sarah I said goodbye, okay?”

We all nodded our head confirming that we would find her for him.

“Don't forget. Cross the border at Brownsville, okay?” JJ reminded one last time.

“Got it.” John B confirmed as he started the motor up.

We all stood huddled together as we watched him fade from view as he picked up speed. I knew we would see him again but it felt like we were saying goodbye forever.

🔅🔆🔅

John B was long gone, hopefully far enough away that everyone looking for him couldn’t find him but I still stood on the dock looking at the sun set. Further down the dock Kie and Pope stood together, I couldn't hear what they were saying as they were talking quietly but I saw them hug. I smiled slightly, happy that the pair had made up.

But then my eyebrows knitted together in confusion as I watched the pair kiss, how could Kie warn me not to do something then turn around and do the thing she warned me against. I felt frustrated with her, I knew better, I knew I shouldn’t take it so personally but I still couldn’t help but feel my annoyance towards her grow.

That was until I felt a pair of hands settled on my hips and as I turned my head I saw JJ resting his head on my shoulder. I smiled at the action as I leaned into him content to just stand and watch the sunset as my worries faded further away.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you the other night when I said we weren’t together.” JJ finally spoke after a minute. “I didn’t mean that I didn’t want us to be together just that we weren’t yet. After all, you haven’t even asked me out.”

I turned around to face him and saw a huge grin on his face, his hands which were still wrapped around my waist loosened slightly. There was a mischievous look in his eyes as I rested my hands on his shoulders.

“JJ Maybank.” I started to say dramatically. “Will you go out with me?”

“Hmm, I’m not sure.” He began pretending to think about it. “Where are you gonna take me?”

“I don’t know, I'm sure we can sort out the details later.” I smiled.

“Well I’d like to know now so that I can figure out if it's worth it. Plus I mean I’ll have to find the right outfit.” He began to ramble, I playfully rolled my eyes at him.

“How about you worry about your outfit later and right now you just kiss me?” I interrupted him with my bold statement.

He stopped talking after that and began to lean closer to me. As I was about to lean in as well I stopped and looked into his eyes.

“Hey, don’t run away this time.” I playfully threatened him.

“Never again Sweetheart.” He replied before closing the gap between us and capturing my lips in his.

We were cut off after a moment though due to the sound of police sirens which I could tell were growing closer as they sounded louder with every passing second.

“Hey, guys, I'm sorry to ruin the party, but, uh, we gotta go right now.” JJ called to the others as his arms dropped from around me. “Come on!”

But it was too late as the cars pulled up surrounding the four of us, we had no other option than to stay put and listen to them.

“Hands up! Hands up!” The cops all called as they began to climb out of their cars.

“Pope, hands.” Kie reminded him as we all lifted our hands in surrender.

“We're too late. He's gone. God damn it!” A bald man yelled out as he ran to the end of the dock.

“Bratcher, have your guys stand down. Let me talk to these kids.” Deputy Shoupe called out before approaching us. “All right, where the hell is he? Where the hell is he?”

We all stayed silent as he tried to figure out where John B had gone. We all knew vaguely where he was headed but in all honesty none of us could have pointed to his location on a map, we had no idea how far he had gotten.

“JJ? I see you're livin' up to your name.” Shoupe began to single us out. “Pope, how about you? This isn't a fucking game! You can do the right thing now! Where'd he go?”

None of us answered his questions and before long he gave up, ushering JJ and Pope into the back of one car and Kie and I into another. I didn’t want us to be split up but I knew we didn’t have a choice, we were probably all being taken to the same place.

🔅🔆🔅

We sat in silence for a few minutes as I looked out the window until I noticed that Kie had tears streaming down her cheeks as she quietly cried.

“Hey, hey.” I whispered to her not wanting to get into more trouble. I shuffled closer to her, holding out a hand which she took. “It’s gonna be okay, we’re all going to be fine.” I tried to reassure her but in all honesty I had no idea if it were true.

“I’m sorry.” She muttered to me as she leant her head on my shoulder. “I’ve been awful to you lately.”

“No it’s okay. I was being just as terrible.” I whispered back to her. “I’m sorry, I know you were just trying to keep the Pogues together.”

“Yeah a lot of good that did.” She said defeatedly.

“Yeah well those boys always know how to mess everything up.” I tried to joke. I saw the hint of a smile playing on her lips before I pulled her into a hug.

“I just want to be friends again.”

“Me too.” I sighed. “I mean come on we’re the two that never fight with each other.”

We pulled apart with sad smiles as the car parked. I was nice to know that we were all friends again even if everything else had fallen apart.

🔅🔆🔅

The door opened to reveal Shoupe on the other side ushering us out. Once I stepped onto the ground I spotted JJ and Pope standing a few feet away, we were all directed into a tent with a table in the center and rows of chairs on either side. I sat down between JJ and Kie and Pope was sitting on the other side of Kie.

“Sit down. Don't move. We got a lot to talk about.” Shoupe said to all of us before turning to a couple of armed guards. “Keep an eye on these kids.”

We all watched as Shoupe left the tent. A silence fell over us as we listened to everyone around us talking, hoping to hear that John B was okay and that he had gotten away safely.

My hands found both JJ’s and Kie’s hands and I held onto them for dear life. Right now it felt like we only had each other and I sure as hell wasn’t going to lose anyone else.

“It’s gonna be okay. He’ll be fine.” JJ muttered under his breath as his thumb rubbed circles on the back of my hand.

My knee began to bounce as we all anxiously waited for any news they would give us.

🔅🔆🔅

Sirens continued to wail as people shouted to each other. The storm was only getting worse and all we could do was hope that John B had outrun it or found somewhere safe to wait it out.

After what felt like forever Shoupe finally returned but by the look on his face he didn’t have anything good to say.

“Did you find them?” Pope asked hopefully as we all stood up.

“No.” Shoupe responded bluntly.

“So, they got away?” Kie asked

“We, uh... we lost them.” Shoupe replied vaguely. “I'm sorry.”

“You lost them?” I asked in disbelief. “What do you mean you lost them? Like, they're gone?”

“What are you talking about?” Pope added to my questions.

“They took an open boat into a tropical depression, Pope.” Shoupe tried to explain.

“So, they're dead?” Kie asked as tears began to cloud my vision.

“We don't know.” Shoupe tried to defend himself.

“You drove them straight through the storm, man!” JJ snapped. “Are you kidding me? Come here! I'm gonna kill you!”

“JJ, stop!” Kie tried to tell him.

“I'm gonna kill you, you bastard! You killed him!” JJ said before trying to take a swing at Shoupe. Another cop grabbed JJ before he could continue. I moved to his side trying to get him to calm down, from behind me I could hear Pope start to yell.

“He didn't kill anyone, and you know it!” Pope cried.

“We're still looking for him, all right?” Shoupe tried to explain.

“Pope. Pope, just stop.” Kie said to him. “Please, stop.”

Kie fell silent for a moment and I turned to see what had happened. I followed her gaze to the other end of the tent to see all our parents walking towards us and at the end of the line little Emmy stood next to my Mom in her bright red raincoat.

As soon as she spotted me she let go of my Mom’s hand and ran towards me. I leant down wrapping her in a giant hug. The tears that stung my eyes fell down my cheeks as I held her tightly.

After a minute I picked her up and turned around to look for where my Mom had gone. I spotted her behind me holding onto JJ as he sobbed into her shoulder, my heart broke even more when I realized that JJ’s dad hadn’t even bothered to show up. I walked a few steps forward to wrap my free arm around JJ. We all stood holding each other, after a moment Kie and Pope joined our group as we all huddled together.

We were all a little broken without John B but we knew we had each other and for now that was enough.

🔅🔆🔅

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