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littlewinter1917 · 2 years

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★ When am I gonna lose you? ★

My blog is 18+ only. Minors DNI. 🔞 Don’t repost my work anywhere.

"𝒜𝓃𝒹 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝑜𝒸𝑒𝒶𝓃 𝓌𝒶𝓈 𝒶𝓁𝓁 𝓌𝑒 𝒸𝑜𝓊𝓁𝒹 𝓈𝑒𝑒, 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝐼 𝓀𝓃𝑒𝓌 𝓉𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝐼 𝓌𝒶𝓃𝓉𝑒𝒹 𝓎𝑜𝓊."

Words: 7.6k

Pairing: Billy Hargrove x Fem!Reader

Summary: After everything that Billy’s done and been trough, he still struggles with the idea that he could be deserving of love or anything good. So, when his doubts and abandonment issues flare up again, you make it your mission to reassure him that you won’t ever leave, and that loving him isn’t a chore.

Warnings: Major hurt/comfort. A little angst with a lot of fluff. Billy being insecure. Talks about abandonment issues and never feeling good enough. Mentions of Billy’s past abuse, trauma and shitty parents. Some swearing and hints at past self-destructive behavior, injuries and scars.

A/N: The title and some parts of the story are inspired by this absolute masterpiece from the band Local Natives.

Read the story on AO3 here.

Billy turns around in your shared bed with a small groan, before burying his face back into your fluffy pillow and huffs.

God, this sucks.

A brief glance towards the digital clock on your nightstand tells him everything he didn’t really want to know.

It’s late. Far too late to be still lounging around in bed like this. So very late, in fact, that you’ll be back from work soon – and he still hasn’t even gotten up yet.

He knows he should. Knows he should drag his feet over the edge of the bed, and then the rest of his body downstairs, but he just can’t.

He feels exhausted and tired, and, as much as he hates to admit it, scared.

Scared that you’ll leave again.

Scared that it’s only a matter of time before you’ll walk out the door of your shared little beach house on the coast of California, and be gone for good.

He would get it, he thinks.

He wouldn’t want to be with himself either, if he’s completely honest.

And he doesn’t just mean it in an ‘I-wouldn’t-want-to-fuck-myself-kinda-way’, but on a more fundamental level, too.

There are days, where he can barely stand his own reflection in the mirror, and everything that comes with him being, well, him.

Days, where he can’t help but feel utterly and terribly selfish for even expecting another person to stick around like that; because if he’s struggling so much with his own company, doesn’t everyone else, too?

If he can’t even bear being around himself, how can you? How can anybody?

These fears come up sporadically, the voices sometimes loud and booming; sometimes quiet and small, but the truth they spit stings all the same; yet today seems exceptionally bad.

He keeps mulling over the idea that he’ll find you standing in the doorway with your bags packed and a pained look on your face.

“It’s too much,” he imagines you saying, “I love you, but it’s too much. You’re too much, Billy, and I simply can’t do this anymore. It’s not worth it; you’re not worth it. What you’re giving me isn’t enough to make up for all your flaws. I thought I could tolerate it, work around the mess you are, but it’s impossible. I get now why your mom left you Billy. I really, really do.”

Billy feels his throat tightening, as his breathing picks up; the mere thought itself has his heart feeling like it’s going to give out.

And not in a fun way.

Fuck.

He’s quickly blinking hot tears away, and it makes him hate himself even more.

Weak, he thinks, with his father’s voice.

Weak. Weak. Weak.

Such a disappointment.

And you’re going to leave. Sooner rather than later you’re going to leave.

He‘s going to lose you at some point in time. It’s not a matter of if; it’s a matter of when.

When is he going to lose you?

When are you going to realize just how worthless he really is? How much of a bother, a burden, an impossible obstacle to any happy relationship, his mere presence provides.

How much you’re better off with someone else.

Anyone else.

Anyone else but Billy.

And Billy himself can’t quite say when the doubts and fears started piling up in his mind with such an intensity again, leaving him with a deep and utterly overwhelming feeling full of unease in the pit of his stomach; one that’s so heavy, it almost renders him immobile.

He’s curled up completely on your shared bed, face pressed into your pillow, because it smells like you, and that’s normally something that calms his racing thoughts down a bit.

But not today.

No, today it feels like even that is taunting him, because how much longer is he going to have that luxury; that luxury of you around and a part of his life. Staining his heart and mind with happy memories that used to be so hard to come by for Billy.

Memories he doesn’t deserve.

And how much longer is he going to wake up in a bed, so utterly soft and warm, with you by his side? There are little pieces of you all over your shared space, things that normally remind him of how you’re still here. Despite how difficult Billy is to love, you haven’t left yet.

Yet, he thinks, a bitter laugh stuck in his throat.

But you will.

You will leave, because everybody ultimately does, and he can’t blame them. Not if he’s the one they’re leaving.

His thoughts still linger on the way this all might play out; on the way you’re going to leave him, too.

Will it be a big fight, like the ones with his dad? Or will you sneak out and vanish in a more quiet fashion, the way his mom slipped out of the shared house, he foolishly used to call home, and then never came back.

He has to choke down a sob at the memory of his mother – that part of his past still hurts more than the one with his dad, at least on an emotional level.

Maybe it’s the betrayal, he thinks, because he never expected that kind of treatment from her.

His dad? Yeah, sure. That guy never really gave two shits about him. Depriving him of even the tiniest scraps of affection, or love, or praise, or anything that a kid might desire from the person he looks up to the most.

But his mom? That beautiful and kind woman, with a smile so bright and warm, like the Californian sun. The woman that would kiss him goodnight, lips lingering on his freckled forehead, and tuck him in with a hushed, gentle voice and loving words.

He never thought that she would just leave like that, leave him to fend for himself in the claws of a monster all on his own.

A monster she knew all too well.

A monster she chose, not him.

Nevertheless, she abandoned Billy without much of a second thought, because otherwise, she would have come back for him, wouldn’t she?

But she didn’t and that realization still hurts.

It's the kind of hurt that burns in his chest like the tears spilling from his eyes. And it has his hands clenching into angry fists, burrowed deep into the sheets.

Hands that are still adorned with scars.

Little scars and big ones, faint ones, and deep ones.

Scars, from all the fights he’s been in and all the times he punched his mirror too hard, in a helpless fit of rage, because he couldn’t stand the person staring back at him.

Because all he could see was a boy worth leaving and abandoning, someone who was actually deserving of all the mistreatment he got.

Scars, from the many times when, in a desperate attempt to keep his frustrations at bay, his hands would unconsciously tighten around a random glass or beer bottle, or anything delicate enough to break and shatter in his unyielding grip, leaving both his floor and his palms bloody and scattered with shards.

But his dad never cared about his hands, only about the stains on those ugly and dusty carpet floors, of all the places Billy has only ever known as hell.

Billy tries to stifle his cries by burrowing his face deeper into your pillow. Staining the fabric with his tears, its baby blue color turning a slightly deeper one.

Fuck, you’re going to come home soon, he remembers, and he tries not to consider what might happen if you find him like this.

Maybe this will be the thing that has you leaving him, he thinks, and the thought only makes him cry harder. Small sobs shake his strong body, shoulders shaking in defeat, and a deep-seated sadness and fear of never being good enough.

Out of the corner of his eyes, he sees Chomper, your little shark stuffie, sitting unsuspecting at the edge of the bed, and without really thinking, he grabs the little fellow and pulls him close to his bare chest.

The fluffy object smells even more like you, soft and sweet and light. And the tears keep coming while he convinces himself that this is it.

You’re going to leave him.

There’s no way you won’t after seeing him like this, again.

It’s a thought that keeps spinning in his mind, like a cursed merry-go-round, with no means to escape it.

It had all started this morning, he thinks, when he woke up with unusually many doubts. Small, ugly whispers that told him all kinds of hurtful things.

He knows those voices, like he knows their words to be true, even if he has been able to manage them a little better.

But despite that, he's still prone to believe them when they say that he’s the worst; and that you’re ultimately going to leave him once you’ve come to your senses and realize the truth.

The truth about how deep, deep down he’ll always be an unlovable and unworthy mess; too difficult to love and cherish for even the most patient and compassionate person on the planet.

Which is you.

In his eyes, it’s always you.

Always.

He doesn’t deserve you, never has, never will, but it’s nice to pretend that he does sometimes, and occasionally he even finds himself believing that there could come a time, somewhere in the distant future, where he might actually find himself deserving of your love and kindness.

But not today.

It seems completely far-fetched now, an impossibility really, and the weight of it all has Billy feeling absolutely crushed.

Maybe he should have told you, he thinks.

Earlier today, in the morning, when you had woken him up with your usual soft kisses and even softer touches, when you two shared little giggles and loving stares, before you had to get up and get ready for work.

He had watched you, his features full of adoration, as you slipped out of his oversized metal shirt and into a flowy skirt and a silky blouse.

His blue eyes following the quick movement of your fingers as you buttoned up the fabric, and he immediately itched to take it off again.

You had given him a gentle smile through the mirror of your vanity, when he couldn’t help a little yawn slip from his lips. Putting aside the blush you had just picked up; you made your way over to his side of the bed once more.

He remembers gazing up at you, through his long lashes, and the gentle smile that was back on your face made his heart speed up, and his mind a little dizzy.

“Should I’ve not woken you up, love?” You had whispered, your hand gently brushing some wild, curly strands out of his face, and as usual he instantly leaned into your touch.

Nuzzling the palm of your hand before leaving a lingering kiss there.

The little affectionate action had your eyes soften.

After years and years of abuse, and growing up with the notion that human touch was something to be feared rather than cherished and enjoyed, the fact that Billy’s now actively seeking out the thing he used to hate so much has your heart jump in little leaps of joy.

God, how you love him.

But you silently notice that he looks a bit tired, and you feel a twinge of worry bubble up in your chest.

You always wake up together. It’s one of those little rituals that somehow just stuck. Even on days where it’s your time off from work, or Billy’s, you still wake up with the other person.

Today is such a day; it’s Billy’s day off from work at the car repair shop, but unfortunately, the same can’t be said for you.

Work calls, and you have to answer, which means you still have to finish getting ready, although you’re putting that on the back burner of your mind for now, as your eyes are transfixed on Billy.

He’s so pretty, and kind and utterly yours, and you still can’t quite believe it.

You carefully lean over him, brushing your nose gently against his.

“Love you, Billy.” You whisper, “You can go back to sleep if you need to, you still look a little tired, sweetheart.”

“’S okay,” Billy mumbles, voice raspy and tinted with sleep.

The deeper octaves of his voice always have the thoughts in your head spinning around themselves, and this time is no exception.

But before you can dwell on that too much, Billy’s calloused hands come up to your neck, pulling you down for a messy kiss.

“Stay,” he whispers, as usual, as always, and you can’t help but smile against his lips.

“You know that I can’t, Billy,” you draw the syllables of his name out for emphasis, before capturing his plump lips back in another searing kiss.

“Even though I really wish I could.”

When your eyes find his again, the look behind yours is earnest.

Still Billy sighs.

It’s not an accusatory sigh, just a little disappointed one.

And he’s not disappointed at you, but disappointed at those mean circumstances of live.

Like the fact that you two have to work for a living, instead of being able to spend the rest of eternity at his two favorite places, the beach, and your shared bed; and maybe his trusted Camaro too, because that’s the first taste of real freedom he ever had, after his mother left. The first safe haven he got, and used thoroughly to escape his father’s abuse.

There were times in his life, where he spent more nights curled up in the backseat of his car than in his bedroom at his father’s house. A place he refuses to call home.

But as much as he hates that man, he unfortunately calls his father, Billy thinks the abusive piece of shit might have been right when he told him about what an absolute disappointment he was.

Not just as a son, but as a human.

An utterly, disappointment of human.

And a broken one too, if the countless tears he’s shed are anything to go by.

Billy had noticed these thoughts coming up, while you were still playing with some strands of his hair, before untangling yourself from him with a small sigh.

“Gotta finish getting ready, love,” you’d explained, voice apologetic, yet entirely unaware of the troubled war that’s been breaking out in Billy’s mind.

Taking it over and corrupting it.

He continued watching you get ready, but there’s something else swirling around in his stomach now.

Something different than the previous pure love and admiration.

Something a little more ugly. A neediness, a longing, a fear of watching you leave.

He wanted to call out to you and tell you about it, but he just felt so stupid. All he remembers instead is the quick kiss you gave him, before rushing out of the bedroom, while trying to put your earrings in place.

“I’ll try to leave a little bit more early this time,” you had promised, halfway through the bedroom door, turning around to him again and giving him one of your blinding smiles.

“Can’t wait to have you all to myself later, love.” The tone of your voice was teasing, but the look in your eyes was kind and loving, and Billy felt his heart clench at the sight of it.

He doesn’t deserve you.

And there’ll come a time where you’ll realize that too, and you’ll leave.

It’s a thought that his mind fixates on, as he literally watches you leave, your skirt flowing lightly behind you with every step you take; every step that’s taking you further and further away from him, as the ugly voices in his head grow louder and louder.

And by the time he hears the front door opening and closing again, he feels like crying.

You’re in a cheerful mood today, humming a little pop tune as you’re getting home from work, making your way through the entry of your house, excited to reunite with Billy, and maybe enjoy some warm rays of the afternoon sun outside.

“Billy, I’m back!”

Dumping your handbag unceremoniously next to your shoes that you just slipped out of, you make your way into your shared living room, but there’s no sight of the man you call your own.

Weird.

He’s not in the kitchen, and since there’s no rock music blaring from the garage, you’re sure he isn’t in there either.

Maybe he’s outside, enjoying the ocean you live so incredibly close by, you think, as you make your way up the stairs to get to your bedroom and change into something more comfortable and beach appropriate.

You’re still humming along to the song that’s somehow stuck in your head while thinking about your bathing suit choices. There’s a new one you’ve got as a little surprise for Billy and-

You halt in your thoughts and movements once you’re standing in the doorway of your shared bedroom.

It looks exactly the way you left it, roughly eight hours ago.

The shutters are still closed, light only slipping through its narrow gaps, painting stripes across the bed, and it’s only then, that you notice the rough shape of a body lying in it.

Billy.

At first, you don’t think too much of it.

He’s prone to having migraines and sleeping them off even during the day, or at least trying to. He’s also turned away from you in such a way, that you don’t get to see his tear-stained face or any other indication that he’s anything other than okay.

You still whisper his name quietly into the partial darkness of the room, but there’s no reply; no movement, no nothing, and you figure he must be asleep.

You don’t mind the idea of a little shuteye yourself, so you carefully slight into the bed behind your boyfriend. Spooning him tenderly, mindful, not to wake him with any abrupt movements or heavy sounds.

Nuzzling his shoulder softly, your hand finds its way across his bare chest, and you feel your stomach drop, falling from somewhere high up in the sky.

His heartbeat is going at least a million times a minute; maybe two.

It’s pounding away in his chest with such intensity, that it has you sitting up quickly.

Your hand still lingers on that spot, trying to make sense of the thumping underneath your fingertips. Why is his heart beating so ferociously when he’s supposed to be asleep?

He’s either having a nightmare, you think, alarmed, or he isn’t sleeping at all.

“Billy?” you whisper, leaning over your boyfriend carefully, trying to get a glimpse of his face.

And if you felt your stomach drop from airy heights before, it is now sinking to the deepest and darkest part of the ocean floor, as a cold shiver rushes down your spine.

Despite keeping his eyes shut tight, you can still see the tears slipping through between his lashes, running down his freckled-kissed skin.

You can see the way he’s biting his lips to keep it from trembling and making any sound.

And you see him clutching your stuffie with such despair that you feel like your heart’s now lying completely shattered in bits and pieces somewhere at the bottom of the ocean.

Oh, this is bad.

“Billy?” You try hard to keep your voice even, to not let the panic or worry you currently feel fall through your lips.

But Billy’s just pressing his closed eyes tighter together, the tremble of his lips increasing, before hiding his face more in the soft confines of your pillow.

Oh, this is really, really bad.

“Sweetheart,” You don’t really think about your next steps, apart from trying to do them as gently as possible. Moving over Billy’s frame carefully, in order to be able to face him fully.

He still tries to hide away from you, but that’s not something that deters you from your plan.

Not after having been with him long enough to know him inside and out. To know that he craves a gentle touch on the best of his days, and he absolutely hungers for it on the worst ones.

“Billy, sweetheart, what’s wrong?” You keep your voice as gentle and as soft as you can manage, while you feel like your world is spinning out of control, worry clouding your mind.

The man in question just shakes his head, before mumbling, the tiniest, most broken “Nothing,” you’ve ever heard.

And you both know that it’s bullshit.

Billy is a lot of things right now; but okay isn’t one of them.

“Billy, my love, look at me, baby.”

You nudge his shoulder lightly with your nose before cupping bis cheek with the gentlest touch.

And you both know that there’s nothing you can’t coax out of Billy with a voice as soft as your touch, so you keep talking to him gently, almost as if you were talking to a frightened child or a hurt animal, maybe.

And as usual, it works.

As soon as he’s looking up at you slightly, and he’s less curled in on himself, you wrap your arms around him protectively and Billy instantly folds.

All it takes is another whispered, “Shh, come here, I’ve got you, love,” and the way you tenderly guide his face towards the crook of your neck, and he breaks.

He completely breaks down in your arms, clinging to you tightly, and his quiet sobs pull on your heartstrings repeatedly and with such an intensity, you’re almost sure they’re going to snap.

You still don’t know what’s wrong; still don’t know what’s got him so upset. You don’t know if he’s physically in pain or mentally, or maybe it’s an unpleasant combination of both.

You’re going to find out eventually, but right now you just want to help him calm down. Let Billy cry it out and then maybe talk about it, once he’s in a better headspace.

“Shh, it’s alright Billy. You can cry, I’ve got you. You can let it all out, love. Nothing’s gonna hurt you, baby.”

Billy sniffles, tears still dripping down his cheeks and into your silky blouse. You don’t pay it any mind, and even if you did it wouldn’t matter. There’s literally nothing as important to you as Billy.

You keep the stream of reassuring words coming. Your hands are still tenderly stroking his cheeks and playing with his hair carefully.

You’re not sure how much time passes, as you continue your tender ministrations; but the sun’s still shining outside, slipping through the cracks of your shudders, when Billy’s sniffles and sobs finally cease.

He’s quiet for a little while longer, as you keep drawing comforting circles on his back, and then he suddenly mutters, voice hoarse from all the crying:

“Don’t you ever get tired of it?”

You halt in your movements for a split second, unsure of what he’s referring to.

“What do you mean, love? Tired of what?” You question gently, looking at Billy for clarification.

“Tired of loving me,” he whispers, and that’s it.

There are tears in your eyes now, too.

“Oh, Billy.”

So, that’s what this is all about, you think, as you pull your boyfriend impossibly closer.

You know, he has abandonment issues, that was made pretty clear when you first started dating, but with time and reassurance things have slowly become better. Not perfect, but better.

Billy isn’t as jealous of other people anymore, especially men that you’re friends with. Something that had been a bit of an issue at first.

It had taken Billy a long time to let you in, because keeping you out was less painful.

You can’t lose something you don’t have.

Can’t get left by someone you never truly considered yours in the first place.

But once he did let you in, things weren’t immediately all sunshine and rainbows.

Billy could get jealous, incredibly jealous.

It’s partly because he’s convinced that he’s the worst, and literally anyone would be better than him by default, meaning also that anyone could be a threat to your relationship.

It’s that kind of a fear, that made him turn accusatory, convinced that you’d leave him as soon as a good enough person or chance arose.

But his jealousy and possessiveness were also partly rooted in the fact that he never really got to witness any healthy relationship dynamics.

Because the relationship he had to his father was anything but; and the relationship his father had to women was anything but.

And the only glimpses of a somewhat constructive relationship he ever really got to see was the relationship Max had to her mother Susan, and even that one wasn’t perfect, yet it left him with the bitter taste of jealousy.

And all these influences had an effect on the way he considered you his, and how losing you wouldn’t just hurt his feelings; but also his sense of pride, his ego, his fucked-up view of masculinity and manliness.

Because what does it say about him as a man if he can’t even keep his girl faithful?

But there are things you can take and there are things you refuse to take, and so you sat Billy down early on in your relationship and made it very, very clear what you’re able to tolerate, and what you simply won’t.

You know that he’s been traumatized, and growing up with a father like that is bound to leave some lingering scars on both his body and his mind.

But that doesn’t mean he gets to repeat cycles, or fall into unhealthy patterns and make you the scapegoat for his insecurities.

He’s never laid a hand on you - if that was to happen you would be quicker out the door than you can say ‘abusive piece of shit’, but Billy still had things to work through.

Anger issues, jealousy, an impulsiveness paired with a complete lack of risk awareness, and self-destructive tendencies that you can’t just eradicate like that.

As someone who struggled with some of the same problems, you would know. So, you always understood parts of his troubles, know how difficult those impulses truly can be. How overwhelming the need for some kind of relief can be in the heat of the moment without really thinking or caring about the consequences that might follow.

And, you know, Billy’s trauma has him preprogrammed to believe that he’s the worst, a failure, an unlovable mess, and overall, just one big disappointment.

How could he not get that impression when that’s all he’s ever been told by his father, who happened to be the only constant in his life.

You loved Billy - still do, of course, and so you always considered him worth it; worth the work that it took to get him to change some of those behaviors and beliefs.

Unlearning things, relearning things, but some things will always linger around in his mind to some extent.

Like parts of those ugly and persistent voices that are quick to judge him, and the self-destructive impulses that might follow in order to get them to shut up.

So, all you can do to help in those moments is trying to sooth him. Sooth those whispers in his head and get him out of that ugly cycle of self-loathing and hatred.

Make him see and realize that you’re there, and that no matter what, you won’t leave; that your love is a lot stronger than the voices in his head. Reassuring and reminding him of your feelings, your unwavering commitment to him, and all the things you love about Billy.

Because you do. You really, truly love him.

He’s the best man you’ve ever known.

And you try to make him see that; see the person that he really is, and not the failure that his mind keeps taunting him as.

“Oh, Billy,” you repeat your hushed whisper.

“Oh, Billy, no.”

“Billy, I won’t ever get tired of loving you. In fact, not even three million eternities will be remotely enough. Nothing ever will be. I’ll never get enough of loving you, sweetheart.”

You carefully play with some of his curls, fingers grazing the nape of his neck, and Billy cuddles up more into you. He’s been starved of loving touches for so long, that it sometimes still leaves his mind reeling.

“I’m never going to leave, Billy,” you promise in a quiet whisper.

“How would you know?” Comes Billy’s broken mumble, and on a regular day he might feel ashamed of being so needy, so clingy, so utterly hungry for any kind of validation, but right now, he just wants to hear you say it, and maybe silence those ugly voices in his mind.

Remind him that he’s human even if he feels like a monster, even if he feels completely unworthy of your love.

“Oh, sweetheart,” you whisper, voice patient, and soaked with love, dripping with love, absolutely overflowing with love.

‘I know this, because I love you, silly.’ You want to say, but you know, that that won’t be enough, so you try to remind him of something else, that might make him see the man you see, and love and cherish with absolutely no bounds.

“Remember our first trip to California?” you mumble, your breath tickling Billy’s ear.

He hums as he curls up closer, hands tightening around you.

Of course, he remembers that trip. It was quite a few years ago, back in the mid-eighties, the summer after he had turned 19, he thinks, or maybe it was 20. He had finally managed to safe enough money to get out of the ugly claws of his father, and by some miracle, you two also had enough cash put aside for a small road trip to the west coast.

“We weren’t together then,” you remind him softly, “You were still keeping me at arm’s length at first.”

Right, Billy thinks. What a complete fool he was back then. The two of you had started out as a seemingly unlikely pair of friends, but it quickly grew into something more; something you both had been in denial about.

Billy most of all.

Well, he did know that he liked you, like a lot.

He just never thought you would reciprocate his feelings, and besides that relationships never actually work out, so why try them at all, really?

And it would save himself the heartache of watching you leave again.

“We were sleeping in your Camaro a lot, because we couldn’t afford even the stingiest motel rooms, and you would torture me with Metallica and I would torture you with Van Morrison, and I would literally have to fight you to get to play my Janis Joplin tape, you absolute buffoon of a music critic.”

You playfully poke Billy’s side, and a little laugh bubbles up from somewhere deep in his chest.

“I remember that,” he admits, “You know I never actually thought she was that bad, I just liked to annoy you, I guess.”

“Oh, I know, babe. I know.”

You look at him lovingly, and Billy feels his heartrate pick up, but this time it’s not in an act of anxiety, or worry; he just really, really adores you, too.

“And I still remember how we were cruising down the coastline, windows open, music blaring, and we were both singing our hearts out to More Than a Feeling at the top of our lungs.”

“Oh god,” Billy croaks out with a small groan, “I remember that too,”

The little smile on his face is earnest, and you trace your fingers gently over his freckled skin.

“And it was electrifying because driving with you always feels a little bit like flying. It’s quite the near-death experience, really. And you wanted to show me that one particular beach, like really, really badly, remember?”

“Yeah,” Billy whispers now, because he thinks he knows where you’re going with this.

It’s the night of your first kiss.

“And we would drive up to that place, but one of my stupid Flip-Flops broke, and you had to carry me to the beach because the sand was just so fucking hot.”

“And you were a giggly mess, scared that I might drop you.”

“I sure was, but you didn’t. You promised me you wouldn’t drop me, not for anything in the world, and you didn’t.”

Billy’s eyes soften at the memory and the vulnerability of your voice.

“And you didn’t tell me why you wanted to go to that place in particular, but I knew that it must have meant a lot to you at some point in time.”

Billy nods his head in agreement. It was the beach his mom would usually take him to, but you didn’t know that then.

“And the view was absolutely breathtaking! But we were both such idiots that we forgot our beach towels in the car, and neither of us wanted to go back, so you stripped yourself of your t-shirt in order to make me a makeshift one.”

Right, Billy had completely forgotten about that detail, if he’s honest.

“We would sit by the water, and just talk, until a little boy ran up to us, because he couldn’t find his parents. And he was distraught, and scared and crying, and we were both struggling to calm him down again. But for some reason he ended up being mesmerized by your fucking earrings, and the traces of your skull tattoo. And when he saw the scars on your back, he asked completely in awe-“

“Are those from fighting monsters?” You both finish the sentence, voices emotional.

“And Billy, you looked at him with tears in your eyes, and whispered, ‘Something like that’ and from there on out the little guy was completely taken in with you.”

Billy’s quietly crying again, and so are you, sniffling away and using the sleeve of your blouse as a stop to your tears, before Billy’s hands gently come up, cupping your cheeks, and wiping away the salty specks from your skin, with the most tender touches.

“We searched the whole fucking beach for his goddamn parents.” Billy continues, with a faint laugh. “And he would hold on to me for dear life, and his hand was so utterly tiny in mine.”

“At some point he was getting really tired, so, you decided to pick him up and carry him, and he ended up falling asleep on your shoulder; That probably was the softest thing I’ve ever witnessed.” You admit, voice, and gaze full of adoration for the man in front of you.

“When we finally found his parents, they were so utterly grateful. Yet you still observed the interaction warily, when the boy ran up to his dad, because you thought he might get scolded.”

“But he didn’t. His father just hugged him really tight, and told him how worried he was and that he loves him very much.” Billy finishes with a small sob.

He remembers that interaction so vividly, because it still stands in such stark contrast to his way of growing up.

It somehow serves as both, a painful reminder of what could have been, and a hopeful one of how he wants to do better.

Of how he can do better.

Not every father or man has to be as inherently bad as his.

And so, he doesn’t have to be either.

“They wanted to treat us to dinner, but we both refused, and the little boy, Nick! Nick was his name, wasn’t it? Well, he was waving at us with the biggest smile, when they left.”

“Yeah, and I broke down crying afterwards.” Billy adds, slightly embarrassed, but you shush him gently.

“You had every right and reason to. That whole interaction brought up a lot of stuff for you.”

“That night I talked to you about my mom for the first time.” Billy whispers.

“I know, and we were both bawling our eyes out by the end of it.”

“I had never told anyone else about her before. And I was so scared to admit that I still missed her, because I thought you would judge and see me as weak and fragile and a joke of a man.”

“But I didn’t, because you weren’t. Billy, you were never weak for missing your mother, or crying about the mistreatment you had to endure from both of your parents. And Billy, you’re not weak now either. Because crying doesn’t make you weak; being scared to lose something you love doesn’t make you weak, and it also doesn’t make you a burden.”

Billy curls into you again, face pressed tightly against the crook of your neck, his breath shaky.

“Billy, I know you still struggle with coming to terms with what happened. Trying to make sense of the abuse you had to endure. Trying to figure out what you did to deserve this, but here’s the thing, Billy: You never deserved any of it.

There’s nothing you could have done as a child, that would justify the mistreatment or abuse you had to endure. There’s nothing that justifies the way your father tormented you for the first twenty years of your life.

And it’s hard to wrap your mind around that truth, when all you’ve ever been told is that it’s your fault, that you’re too much, a disappointment, an unlovable burden. But none of that is true, sweetheart.

None of it.

You’re a caring and sensitive soul Billy, you never deserved any of that. Not as kid, not as a teen and not now in your 20s either.”

“But I was like him then,” Billy croaks out, voice breaking once more. “Maybe I deserved it because I was so much like him then. Max could probably write a thousand essays on how I was the worst back when-“

“Oh, Billy,” you mumble, because you know that’s another sore topic for the man sniffling quietly in your arms.

“Billy, the way you repeated the cycles of abuse wasn’t right, but that’s also all you’ve ever grown up with. It’s not an excuse, but it’s an explanation, and even still that doesn’t warrant the fate you got.

You didn’t get abused because you were abusive. You were abusive because you were abused. There’s a difference. You were a victim too, a victim turned abuser, but you’re not that anymore. You made amends with the people you hurt the most, remember?

Do you think Max would be in regular contact with you now, if she still considered you the threat that you were back then? Do you think she would come down here for visits if she still hated you or resented you in that way?

Billy, Max is in your life now because she wants to be. Because she cares about you. Just like I am in your life because I want to be. And neither one of us is going to leave you. None of our friends are going to leave you, and as much as you struggle with the ugly fear of getting abandoned or left behind, that’s just not going to happen.

Not anymore, because now you have a support-system who loves and cherishes you for the dorky and sensitive, car-obsessed metalhead you are.”

Cupping his cheek carefully and taking a deep breath, you state:

“Billy Hargrove I’ve loved you from the day you bandaged my foot in the changing cabins of Hawkins community pool, because I slipped on a fucking ice cream package paper, and I didn’t know whether to laugh or to cry.

But you managed to make me laugh and get my mind off the persistent pounding inside my sprained ankle. And you drove me home that night, and I made fun of your shitty music taste that’s not actually that shitty.

And I fell in love with you the more I got to know you. The more I got to see you smile earnestly at my dumb little jokes and witness you open up to me more and more about your past, and your present, and your future, until I couldn’t imagine the latter without you.

Until I couldn’t imagine a future without you in my life, because you’ve been such a fucking blessing.

And on that day at the beach when nighttime rolled around and we were both lying in the warm sand, that still radiated the heat from the day, with Hawkins millions of miles away and freedom in every breath of summer night air,

you told me about all the things you’ve been through, and I admired you even more, because I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that after everything you had to endure; after everything you had to go through, you still turned out into that man I wholeheartedly love.

And I remember burrowing my feet in the warm sand, as I watched you get up to chase the waves again. And I was giggling because that’s such a stupid past time activity, but you were having the time of your life, laughing, and after having seen you cry so much that day, seeing you smile like that could have mended any heart.

And I remember you standing there, hair a salt-water kissed mess; the sky a midnight blue above us, adorned with so, so many stars. And the deep dark sea mirroring it, with the tiny lights of random ships sailing through the night. It was like they were getting lost in each other, as I was getting lost in you.

And the ocean was all we could see, and I knew that I wanted you.

I knew then that I could not, and would not be able to live a life without you in it, without you being my most important and cherished person and-“

“Then you ran up to me and kissed me,” Billy finishes with tears in his eyes.

“Then I ran up to you and kissed you, and you kissed me back, and it was the most tender and beautiful kiss I ever experienced. And I am so fucking lucky that I’ve been able to share those kisses with you every day since then.”

You gaze into the loving blue eyes of your boyfriend.

The man you’re so proud to call your own.

His eyes are still glossy, but those are different kinds of tears.

These are tears of fondness, of love, of sheer disbelief about how lucky he got.

These are happy tears.

You watch the growing smile on his face with a steady pounding in your chest that lets you know just how much you’re head over heels for this guy.

But you’re not quite done with your little speech, so you cup Billy’s freckled cheeks once more between your hands tenderly, before saying:

“Billy fucking Hargrove, there is no scenario in my mind, in which I’m walking out that door for good without holding your hand clutched tightly in mine, got it?”

Billy laughs, and it’s hearty and earnest and the most beautiful thing you’ve ever heard. And you know, you’ll spend the rest of your life trying to get to hear that sound as much and as often as possible.

The golden rays of the setting sun still slip through the gaps of your shutters, and it paints warm stripes across Billy’s freckled skin. You watch them move, as he leans down to kiss you, capturing your lips in a loving kiss. You can still taste the salt of your shared tears on both of them, but it’s okay. Because you’re okay, and you know Billy will be too.

He’s still going to have his bad days, of course, but like the gentle changes of the wind, and the slow turning of the tide, even those will pass, and make way for a more sunnier and happier days.

When you break apart again carefully, you find yourself smiling at your boyfriend, as an idea crosses your mind.

“So, do you want to spend the rest of the day here or…?” you question, while patting the soft sheets of your bed.

“Or, what?” Billy inquires, eyes and voice gentle and loving. “Do you have something particular in might, hm?”

“Maybe,” you tease, smile a little mischievous, before pulling him back down again for another kiss.

“And what exactly would that be?” Billy mumbles against your lips.

“Well, I was thinking, how about a battle of chasing waves, again?”

That is not what Billy expected you to say, and you both know it, but before he can call you out on it, you’re up and excitedly slipping out of your bed.

“Come on, cali-boy, the sun isn’t going to wait for us,” and with that, you’re running off, stripping yourself of your blouse, as you jump down the stairs, two at a time.

Billy’s close behind you, chasing you with a soft laugh; and it doesn’t take long for him to catch you, in the middle of your living room, arms wrapped around your waist, as he twirls you around like a child.

“You little minx,” he scolds, but it’s playful and loving and light.

And when the room stops spinning, he pulls you in for another kiss.

One that has you weak in the knees, but luckily Billy’s there to steady you.

Because, of course, he is.

He always is.

And by the time you two make it through the sliding door of your patio, Billy’s hand is held securely in yours, as you step out into the warm sand of the perfect Californian beach, golden rays on both of your skin, and bright smiles on your faces.

You’re going to be okay.

____________________________

And, that's it! If you made it this far: Thank you, I love you and I hope you enjoyed my little story!

#billy hargrove #billy hargrove x reader #billy hargrove x you #billy hargrove imagine #billy hargrove fanfiction #billy hargrove fluff

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corrodedseraphine · 11 months

Text

have mercy on me | #4 before you go

pairing: eddie munson x fem!reader

chapter summary: When your emotions calm down you realize how much you miss him but Eddie always disappears before you can take any step. All this time, he has been the one trying to do everything to keep your paths from parting permanently, but now it's your turn to take matters into your own hands.

the story is also avaliable on ao3

previous chapter | masterlist | eddie munson masterlist | general masterlist

Here we are! The end! At first I didn't expect that so many people would be interested in this story, you don't even know how your interactions with it make me feel happy. Thank you all so much, for every, even the smallest gesture showing your support! I hope you will enjoy this ending!

Unworthy. You would never think you would hate a word. You hated the sound of his voice when he said it. So broken. So weak. Lost in your own pain, it didn't even cross your mind that the always smiling Eddie could in fact be his own greatest tormentor. He punished himself far more than you did. He didn't need you at all to make him realize how big a mistake he had made.

You thought about what was before all this. Did he think of himself that way then, too? Did he hate himself so much already then that he thought he didn't deserve anything good? Did he think of himself as someone worthless even at that time? Why did he never say anything? Why did you never even allow yourself to think that he was his own worst enemy?

You felt terrible. You failed him. You failed as the friend you thought you were for so long, and that hurt even more than your broken heart.

From the moment of your conversation, Eddie disappeared completely from your life. There were no more notes, cookies or funny riddles and silly attempts to make you smile. He hardly ever showed up at school, and if he did he kept to the shadows, not wanting to draw anyone's attention to himself. Everyone was shocked when, for another week in a row, no one heard the loud speeches made on the cafeteria table or the insults hurled at Jason and his gang. Eddie Munson's flame was extinguished, leaving behind only a soft gray smoke.

When your first performance was a success and people loved you, you were invited to The Soul stage more often. Each time you could see his pale face with watered eyes at the end of the hall at a table in the corner. Nevertheless, when you glanced there while singing there was always a gentle, slightly sad smile on his face, and whenever you saw it something clenched at your heart.

You missed him. Day by day you were more and more sure that the pain he caused you then was no match for the one you feel when he is not in your life. The void he left behind is like a dark abyss from which there is no way out. Every day you thought about all this. After countless conversations with Robin, you decided to believe him that everything was over between him and Chrissy, Steve, on his part, thought you should give him a chance to at least try to make things right. That was the end of your self-pity. Both of you have suffered a lot through this situation and it's time to end it. It was time to fight for at least a little happiness in your lives.

You were just finishing the last song when you looked into the corner of the room. He was still sitting there with the same smile as always. This time you tried to make eye contact, from which he did not escape. Taking a deep breath without announcement, you began to play the melody of the new song.

I fell by the wayside, like everyone else I hate you, I hate you, I hate you But I was just kidding myself Our every moment, I start to replace 'Cause now that they're gone All I hear are the words that I needed to say

When you hurt under the surface Like troubled water running cold Well, time can heal, but this won't

So, before you go Was there something I could've said To make your heart beat better? If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather So, before you go Was there something I could've said To make it all stop hurting? It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless So, before you go

Was never the right time, whenever you called Went little, by little, by little until there was nothing at all Our every moment, I start to replay But all I can think about is seeing that look on your face

When you hurt under the surface Like troubled water running cold Well, time can heal, but this won't

So, before you go Was there something I could've said To make your heart beat better? If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather

So, before you go Was there something I could've said To make it all stop hurting? It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless So, before you go

Would we be better off by now If I'd let my walls come down? Maybe, I guess we'll never know You know, you know

Before you go Was there something I could've said To make your heart beat better? If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather So, before you go Was there something I could've said To make it all stop hurting? It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless So, before you go

You felt powerless. You couldn't force him to start appearing in your life again, apparently he didn't want that. Maybe he realized that he didn't really want you that way? You wanted to accept that your path together had come to an end, but you couldn't. Eddie Munson was a part of your heart, and you still hoped he hadn't given up. All this time you were afraid to take the first step even though you knew you should. You knew that in some way you should show that you missed him, that you didn't want him to give up on you, but you couldn't. All these weeks you were blocked, but tonight you hoped that he would understand the message. That he would understand that even though there is a gap between you, you might be able to build a bridge. You wanted him to understand how bad you felt about not noticing his self-destructive thoughts poisoning his perspective on himself and those around him. You hoped that tonight you would be able to talk before he left.

You didn't. After the show was over, you quickly left the stage, but he was no longer at the table, as always. He always disappeared when you finished playing. You ran outside the building hoping to catch him, but it was too late. He was gone. Eddie Munson disappeared from your life, at your own request leaving a burden and regret on your heart.

"Y/n I'm begging you, you have to talk to me because I'm about to go crazy." said Robin entering your room together with Steve. "Help us understand you!"

"How can I help you if I don't understand myself?!" This was one of the moments when you couldn't stand yourself. When you wanted at least for a few hours to become someone else entirely, or just like that, to disappear and be reborn. "At first I hated him for what he did, I couldn't look at him! It hurt so much when he chose her over me! Then- Then I started to miss him, and he did everything so that I wouldn't forget him, and it worked, because I couldn't, I still can't! When I finally dealt with my stupid broken heart and realized that some part of me wanted to forgive him and wanted him back he said all those things that opened my eyes, Robin. He suffered all the time, probably much more than I did, because while I was thinking about how I didn't deserve to be treated this way he was telling himself all the time that he deserved everything worst!" that sentence by sentence you spoke faster and faster, you could hardly catch your breath. "He went back to her because he thought this was the love he deserved. It wasn't even love! She treated him like trash and he thought that was the best thing that could happen to him? Holy shit how could I have missed all this? How could I be so blind?"

"Hey, don't blame yourself for that, none of us knew. He hid the whole thing too well." said Steve sitting down next to you on the bed. "He was scared of what you were able to give him. For the first time in his entire life, he found someone who wasn't ashamed of him. Someone who loved him back and that scared him."

"Do you think that he loved me?" you asked quietly.

"Of course he did! How could he not?" Robin said, sitting down on the other side. "He got scared and chose the worst possible option. No matter how much I want to strangle him for causing you all this pain, I will hardly admit that dingus is right. He deserves a chance to explain himself and try to make things right."

"But he doesn't even want a second chance anymore! He's made up his mind, I can't force him to start caring again!" you grabbed a pillow and hid your face in it.

"You're not going to suffocate yourself on my watch." Steve said snatching the pillow out of your hand.

"Last time after the show I wanted to talk to him, I really wanted to make the first move but before I could get off the stage he was gone. I don't understand how from the point where I couldn't look at him now I can't stand knowing he's not with me. I feel like a psycho."

"Maybe you never really wanted him to leave? He hurt you, and that's why your emotions were running through you, now that they've calmed down a bit you just miss him."

"You're not crazy, you're just in love, and that sometimes makes a person the biggest weirdo in the world." Robin laughed lightly while resting her head on your shoulder.

"What should I do now?" you sighed leaning your head against hers.

"All this time he's been the one taking the initiative, maybe it's time for you to do it?" suggested Steve.

"But how? I can't just walk up to him at school, I have no idea how this is all going to end, and drama in front of everyone is the last thing I need. Going to his trailer is also out...It would be too much. It would feel like I was invading his safety zone."

"I have an idea." Robin stood up. "As far as not being a big fan of such events," she rolled her eyes. "I'm able to make an exception for you. There's a big party tomorrow at Lucy Moore's house, a big house full of kids who have pockets stuffed with their parents' money, Eddie definitely won't pass up the opportunity to enrich himself."

"It's a really good idea, even if things don't go too well everyone around will be too drunk or high to register anything, besides, Robin and I will be around."

"I don't know..." you said uncertainly. Is a party where most of the school will be there a good idea? Not really. But did you have any better? Of course not.

When you arrived the party was already in full swing, with hardly anyone paying attention to you, for which you were grateful. Some people were dancing in the living room, others were playing beer pong or arranging competitions in who would drink more, others were making out on the stairs, the couch and other available places in the house. Typical. You and your friends headed toward the kitchen to pour yourself something to drink hoping that the alcohol would loosen you up a bit and help you overcome the paralyzing fear you felt at the very thought of confronting him.

Time passed, and you didn't feel the slightest bit more confident. You had already had two drinks and were just about to start a third, just watching him walk down the hallway from time to time, come out of the bathroom or enter the room with one of the members of the basketball team, who after a while contentedly came out and stuffed something in his pocket. Noticing him going out into the garden you walked away from Robin and went in the same direction. You've got this. Repeating these words in your mind you took one last gulp and stepped outside.

The cold wind was a shock to you compared to the heat that was inside. You noticed him sitting on a plastic chair with his head raised toward the sky. Slowly approaching him you sat down near the chair on the grass without a word. Trying to find the right words to start a conversation, you began to open your mouth only to close it immediately. Eddie registered your presence yet still did not take his eyes off the stars, afraid that this conversation might end like the previous ones. Nothing more than pain and tears. Both of you were sick of it.

"How drunk are you?" he asked after a moment of awkward silence.

"Three drinks." you answered quietly.

"One more and your inner dancer will wake up." he chuckled. Whenever you drank together he joked that around the fourth drink you always wanted to dance.

"I want to talk to you Eddie." you changed the subject. "I want to talk to you, but I have no idea what to say, where to start."

Finally he looked at you, sitting with your legs crossed on the grass in the moonlight and garden lights you looked beautiful. Almost to the point of being unreal. It seemed unreal that you had come here to talk to him. But even if it was just a product of his imagination to cope with a broken heart he decided to surrender to it. He got up from his chair and sat down next to you, so that your knees were touching.

"I love you." he said knocking you out of rhythm.

"W-what?" The shock on your face didn't surprise him. He himself didn't expect that today would be the first time he would tell you such a thing.

"I realized that in all this time I haven't told you this once. And you should know it. You should also know that it was thanks to you that I understood what love is and what it should look like. Without looking at how things ended between us, the fact that it hurts so much at least reminds us that it was real, doesn't it?" He turned his face toward you. He was so close, at your fingertips. He was weak. He was weak when your eyes shone more beautifully than the sky above you, when a strand of hair fell charmingly on your face, when your lips looked so delicately beautiful, when your scent which he had not smelled for so long crept into his system intoxicating him. He felt helpless. He missed you so much, craved your presence so much, couldn't help himself when he finally had you so close to him. No wonder this confession escaped from his lips. As soon as he felt your proximity all defense mechanisms shut down leaving his heart unprotected, if you decide to tear it apart - he will let you. Now only lovesick feeling for you controlled him.

He slowly raised his hand to push a strand of hair away from your face. It was just an excuse for his fingers to gently brush your skin. You stared at him with slightly parted lips. Your gaze wandered from his eyes to his lips and back again. "I really love you y/n..." he whispered. He didn't expect any response or reaction from you, but under the excitement you brought your face closer to his by resting your foreheads against each other. His hand stopped on your cheek, which he stroked with his thumb. One more step forward. One more step. You thought. You wanted it. You wanted his closeness, you needed it. At that moment, nothing else mattered to you but that one tiny step forward. Before you go, Eddie. Before the cruel reality catches up with you. As if reading your mind, Eddie took a deep breath and his hand moved from your cheek to under your chin. He slowly lifted it with his finger and... And just when you thought that this one step forward was taken and the gap between you would disappear you heard the door slam and you jumped away from each other.

"What the fuck Eddie?!" It was Chrissy. "An hour ago you were fucking me in the bathroom and now you're kissing her in the garden? What is wrong with you?!" Her words were like a powerful punch in the stomach. Confused, you started to get up from the ground looking between the two of them. Eddie got up right behind you.

"She's lying, I haven't had a single word with her all evening! You have to trust me!" he began to explain. He couldn't believe what was happening.

"You asshole!" She walked towards him, and slapped him in the face. He looked at her in disbelief while holding his sore cheek. How far could she go to destroy him?

"I- I need a minute." You said and quickly went back to the house.

"What the hell was that?" he shouted. His nerves were racing, he was unable to stay calm in this situation. Once again, he had lost you. Once again because of her.

"I didn't say a word to you all evening! Why did you lie, why did you do it?!" He didn't care that someone might hear him.

"I told you that you would regret it." she said looking at his desperate face with a victorious smile on her lips.

"You fucking-"

"Go away Chrissy." Steve's voice suddenly reached them. She just shrugged her shoulders and went back inside slamming the door behind her.

"I didn't do it! damn it I've been avoiding her like hell all evening! I didn't do anything, you have to believe me!" Panicky he couldn't control the storm that was building up inside him. "Fuck!" he yelled, hitting the wall of the house with his fist. The pain in his hand was still nothing.

"I know!" Steve shouted back. "I heard everything, when y/n ran out she didn't close the door behind her, I know you didn't do anything!"

"But she doesn't know that! She won't believe me again, and it was so close, for a second I thought that maybe... that maybe it can still be fixed." He slumped against the wall burying his face in his hands. He didn't care about anything anymore. He crumbled into pieces that could not be picked up.

"But she'll find out, I'll tell her, I'm on your side Eddie." Steve crouched in front of him putting a hand on his shoulder wanting to give him comfort.

"How many times do I have to watch her slipping through my fingers, Steve?" he cried. "How many ficking times? I can't stand it anymore. I love her. I love her, and watching her walk away every time kills me. I can't stand it anymore!" If anyone had told him that he would ever cry his heart out in front of King Steve he would have laughed at him. He would have said that he would rather die than let someone like Steve see his tears. It seemed even crazier that King Steve would comfort him. But here they were. In a situation no one would ever believe.

"Try to calm down okay? And wait here. Just wait." Harrington quickly got up and rushed toward the door.

You and Robin were standing by the car.

"Thank God you're here." Robin said as he ran up to you.

"She lied. You have to go back there, nothing happened between him and Chrissy, I heard everything, I heard her admitting it." he said on one exhale.

"But..." you started.

"Go!" Robin didn't let you finish your sentence. "Just go there!"

You immediately ran into the garden looking everywhere. It was empty. You entered the house and searched every possible room, unfortunately without success. Once again, he disappeared.

He was right. What he felt when Chrissy first broke his heart was nothing compared to how he felt now. Everything was once again falling into ruins. It crushed him to the ground and he no longer had the strength to even try to stand up. There was no point in trying to fight the merciless waves. He resigned himself to it and let the water slowly flood his lungs as he slowly and calmly sank to the bottom, where he thought his place was. He didn't leave his room for the next two days, unless necessary. Eating, listening to music and sleeping. These three activities were repeated over and over again, feeling pure hate for himself. He completely didn't expect what happened on the third day.

Wayne was just getting ready to leave for work when he heard a knock on the door. Surprised, he stared at the skinny girl standing on the stairs with an awkward smile.

"Can I help you?" he tried to recall all of Eddie's friends but couldn't recall a freckled face anywhere. A thought flashed through his head whether it was Chrissy. He was even more surprised when behind her back he saw an insanely expensive BMW belonging to Harrington.

"Good evening Sir! My name is Robin, I'm a y/n's friend." she explained seeing his still puzzled expression. The old man was relieved to hear that it wasn't Chrissy.

"What's wrong?"

"Could you please give this to Eddie?" she said pulling a walkman and cassette from her bag. Wayne just sighed moving his gaze from the object to the car. How much longer will you avoid the conversation? Should he really interject? He slowly found it hard to stand seeing his nephew in such a mess anymore. "Is she here?" he finally asked.

"Y-yeah, in the car."

"Can I talk to her?"

"I guess."

The man put on his shoes and with a slow step he and Robin approached the car. At the mere sight of Wayne you felt your palms sweating from nerves. Was he here to tell you to stay away from Eddie?

"Nice to see you." he said, smiling slightly as you got out of the car.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have come here and sent Robin, it was stupid..." you said feeling increasingly embarrassed by your idea.

"You're right, sending your friend was not a good idea." he nodded causing you to feel even worse. "But it's good that you are here." Your surprised look made him chuckle. "Listen kid, whatever happened between you two...I know it's hard, but seriously I think whatever is on that tape he should get it from you."

"He doesn't want to see me." you said quietly staring at the ground.

"Did he tell you that?"

"No, but-"

"No buts. If he didn't tell you that you should at least try. Come on. Your friends can wait in the living room."

"No, we'll wait in the car." Robin said quickly. "Go." She handed you a walkman and the tape.

With small steps you followed Wayne to the trailer feeling the bundle of nerves in your stomach clench much tighter the closer you got. When Wayne knocked on the door of Eddie's room you felt like you were going to faint.

"You have a guest, son." he said.

"Tell them I'm not here." Eddie muttered into the pillow lying with his back toward the door.

"Come on kid, at least see who came." Wayne was adamant.

"I don't feel like talking to ANYONE," he replied annoyed. "Whoever it is and whatever they want must wait." He covered himself with a blanket.

"She can't wait and she won't wait." He did not let up on his nephew's childish behavior. "I'm letting her into your room right now."

Before Eddie had time to react in any way you stepped uncertainly into the room and Wayne closed the door behind you. Nothing had changed since the last time you were here. You turned your attention to the small framed photo that stood on the nightstand next to his bed, at the sight of it you felt a sting in your heart. You were so happy then, and now you felt even desperate to get that happiness back.

Your breathing became more and more uneven and loud. You clenched your hands around the objects in them until your knuckles turned white.

"Eddie." Your voice was tiny, shaking with insecurity and despair.

You were the last person he expected to be here. With a quick movement, he pulled the blanket off himself and sat down on the bed, turning so that he was facing you. "What are you doing here?" he asked. You couldn't figure out what was hiding behind the tone of his voice.

"I'm sorry." you replied. "I wanted to give you something, I know you don't want to see me anymore, but I thought you might want to listen." You stretched your shaking hands out in front of you.

He took the tape from you, which he immediately put into the walkman looking at you with questioning eyes. "I'm not supposed to be here...but your uncle convinced me that I should tell you this in person. Maybe even tell you straight to your eyes everything what's on the tape..." the lump in your throat grew. "Or maybe I should go now, sorry. You don't have to listen to it if you don't want to, you can just throw it out right away." You turned toward the door.

"Stay." You couldn't read any emotion in his voice, it scared you. "Please." His big dark eyes rested on you with a pleading gaze.

He put on the headphones yet did not dare to click play. He had no idea what to expect there, and from your behavior all he could infer was that you were nervous. Preparing himself mentally for the next punch, he took a deep breath and looked in your direction. You stood against the wall without taking your eyes off him. For the first time in his life he saw you so unsure of yourself, nervously plucking the cuticles around your nails as you shifted your weight from one leg to the other. "Wanna sit down?" he asked. You slowly walked over to the bed and sat on the edge of it and began nervously shaking your leg. You always did that when you were nervous, he wanted to put his hand on your knee as he used to do at such moments but this time he had to restrain himself. He still didn't know what he was about to hear. Finally, he pressed the button.

"Eddie, first of all I'd like to apologize for doing it this way, but I don't know if we'll ever have a chance to talk again, and I still have some things to say. Every time I try to make this move you disappear, so this time I ask you to listen, before you go." He stared blankly at the carpet. "You hurt me. But I also failed you, I failed you as a friend because I never noticed what was happening to you, the fact that you could barely handle yourself. I want to apologize to you for that. I hope you can forgive me someday." He pressed his lips into a thin line and closed his eyes. Once again, he felt himself falling apart, but he wanted to hold back the tears. "Our situation is difficult. But after these weeks, I know that I can't stand it when you are not in my life. I can't explain it, I don't understand myself, I don't know what do I want, I feel insane, but one thing I am sure of..." there was a long pause in the recording. "I love you, too. I should have answered you right away, but I would never have expected to hear them from your mouth. I believe that everything is over between you and Chrissy, I'm ready to believe you will never hurt me like that again, and I'm ready to fight to rebuild the happiness we had. Of course, if you want it too. I believe that the two of us can do it. Now, if you haven't had enough of listening to me, this is not the end of my message, thank you for getting to this point." Then the first sounds of the piano sounded.

You were the raging storm that wrecked A beautiful mind I can't forget Knew from the moment that we met I'd take you home But now that the future's so unclear Have all of your feelings disappeared? 'Cause I'm in no kind of frame of mind to let you go

Hope, have you some that I can borrow? 'Cause I've been so low And the weight of all the world's a heavy load Keep me going 'til tomorrow 'Cause I just don't know If I can face another day alone

Well, my lungs don't breathe And my heart don't beat And I can't believe in any kind of life without you here And I can't move on 'Cause it feels so wrong No, I just don't want any kind of life without you, dear

Are there any words that I could say? I'm feeling our moment fade away In a matter of hours, we'll be drowning in the waves And all of the memories that we shaped We're leaving behind here in my wake If we can save the good we gave, we shouldn't wait

Hope, have you some that I can borrow? 'Cause I just don't know If I can face another day alone

Now you're not here, I can't explain The carousel of my constant pain I'm not sure that I can hold on anymore Became a victim of circumstance Should have said when I had the chance I don't want any kind of life without you here

"I still want you in my life Eddie. I need you, so if you only want to, if you only let me...Maybe we can put it all together."

Silence. A painful silence fell between the two of you. Somewhere in the middle of the recording, Eddie hid his face in his hands and hasn't changed position since. Only after a while you noticed the slight movement of his shoulders and heard the quiet sniffles of his nose.

"Eddie, don't cry please." you said, unable to control your tears yourself. Did you just make everything worse? Not being able to bear it, you got up quickly and walked over to him, and then you knelt down in front of him placing your hand on his knee.

"I am so sorry, Eddie, please."

He wiped his face with the sleeve of the sweatshirt he was wearing and looked at you. Your eyes glistened with tears making them look even more beautiful.

"W-what if I hurt you again?" he asked between breaths.

"And what if I let you down or hurt you once again?" you replied wiping your tears with the top of your hand. "I've been thinking about it for days without stopping, the risk is huge, but it's worth everything that could be between us." you grasped his hand firmly. "We will still make many mistakes, but we can always learn to deal with them. Together."

Within seconds he was beside you on the floor taking you in his arms. Without thinking much you embraced him cuddling your face into his neck. "I love you." you said. He felt his neck get wet with your tears. "I love you too, so damn much." he replied squeezing you even tighter. You were now forming one big crying mess, but you didn't mind. The security and comfort the two of you now found in each other's arms was worth every tear. "I'll do my best to fix it, I promise." he muttered into your hair then kissed the top of your head. "Together."

Although the road home seemed unimaginably long, your paths merged into one again. The one that would take you together to the end of the world and one step further.

taglist: @i-me-mine @phantypurple @chrissymjstan @sidthedollface2 @bakugouswh0r3 @tlclick73 @aysheashea @1paire2vans @mmunson86 @emma77645 @obsessivelycraftygothfandomwitch

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kicktwine · 2 months

Note

heard sprawl and came running any random tidbits you feel like sharing? 🎤

INCREDIBLY FAST KAYATASH JUMPSCARE—

hi. Hello. She is always on the back of my mind. I can never keep track of what I have and have not shared but I have been thinking about the foretellers lately. And how they’re basically fated to be not quite good enough for their god, except for Ava, who is gods favorite, and luxu who is gods least favorite child. HSVDJFBSJ let me— context. Structure. These are important.

ok I came back in the morning. SFTKJGKS.

I have been trying to think about Luxu and how exactly he fits and what his motivations are. Because it’s important 2 ME that he parallels Ven’s role in the story in a foilish way. Also it’s integral to the rest of the story so not having it figured out is somewhat of a roadblock. Ven’s almost completely passive, things happen to him and he takes a long time to be confident enough to try to do something for himself because every time he does that it goes badly. Luxu is so active that every time something goes wrong he has to know why. He has to have his fingers in every puzzle even when what he’s supposed to do is wait. Ven doesn’t want to be Unity’s liaison at all and Luxu wants to be him so bad it makes him look stupid. So I think that like. The timeline of such events. Goes

baby Luxu literally the best in the program, top of his class good boy catholic schoolboy

tries speaking to the Divine Unity and gets SOOO sick. Cannot do it. His body just won’t let him. Effectively locks him out of progressing any further, even as his yearmates become foretellers

why do bad things HAPPEN to good PEOPLE. why does god hate me. I’ll just go ask the other one (maybe the other half of god does not hate me)

rescinds his discipleship, now determined to find and commune with the Divine Organization

this is harder than it sounds

but also easier than it sounds when, through means of minor major crime, you befriend the Candidate’s son and next in line for the seat. junior thinks he’s funny and also strangely good at crime

many years pass

rat man xigbar (silly) evolves from schoolboy luxu

finally make it up to number two in the order, given a ton of clearance. Not enough clearance, but can do crimes to get it

finds out

the other half of God has been dead for more than a thousand years

dead this whole time. Cannot speak to you

now what.

rat man becomes incredibly mad and very cynical BUT. TWO things. 1) now questioning everything the city-state has said over the past thousand years as not of the divine and 2) discovers within the repetitions of code Organization uses to keep its other half occupied notes from the original writer and decoder. This man could speak to the Divine. A direct connection and tons of notes This man probably has wisdom for him.

the wisdom ends up being that the two gods Must be reunited or any and all religious significance is worthless - they have yearned for each other for thousands of years and will not fulfill their purposes until whole again. any words that come from a half-formed being are not of the Divine

vindication! Also uh oh.

is this true? Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

mmmmmmm………….

crusade to by any means necessary steer the wheel of fate in the direction of salvation

rat man FULLY FORMED

dandelions fall into his lap — well like. One of them. One of them that has the means to bypass the Divine Unity’s aura of control (HE NEEDS THAT)

the rest of them that r still alive skitter off. we will come back to that

after some attempts, even with a means to ignore its choir he still can’t TALK to it. The language is incomprehensible and he still gets soooo sick (this is not unusual it happens to people quite a lot, it just shouldn’t happen to HIM, he who tries so hard)

needs a boy. most guys with the power to do that are safe and secure inside the Divine Itself

except this little guy who is somehow still alive

sends one of his guys to get the boy

terrible timing apparently boy had just been through a major loss and the boys catfight each other to THE DEATH

DARN IT

oh wait boys are still alive. Traveling with some other guys

Raccoon rubbing hands together dot gif

and the rest of that is like, plot fruition. ANDBDK NONE OF THAT IS PROSE THAT ALL IS. KINDA BACKSTORY but that’s what he’s up to. You know what the other foretellers are up to. Peacefully running a city

Ava: Divine Candidate. Sits in a room for a looooooong time.

Invi: works with Gula on the disciples, also manages the resonant chamber. divine mediation things

Gula: trade and gardens, also the disciples sometimes if he gets around to it. Often leaves the city to make trade deals and negotiate with Scala’s Erudition

Aced: pilot training and security mostly

Ira: like. The president? Oversees and runs everything

meanwhile their old classmate is out here with a sniper rifle and a plan to kill God. calm down man

And, Meanwhile, ven is having the opposite character arc of

Divine’s Favorite Boy

Turns out being the divine’s favorite boy is not a good thing for me

…plot occurs…. Many things happen…

hey what do you want, thing that might be a god and might not

it’s just kinda lonely.

maybe we can be friends

#I am using you to help me figure this out yes. Yeah thank you actually it really helped my outline—#sprawl au #ask #kayatash #This ended up way longer because I started figuring the plot conceit out as i was talking to you #so thanks— AFIGLFWHLGX #also thank u david for giving xigbar catholic guilt. moms ghost is always here to make things worse

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under-the-cherrytree · 2 years

Note

I wanna make a request!!! Teru or Amane, What would they do if they said something hurtful to us? Or very personal like, trauma, Like they're angry at us and end up saying something that really hurt us inside

I just want angst aha

Teru and Hanako when they say something hurtful❣︎

Warnings: angst, lashing out towards reader

A/n: You are welcome to make a request :D

And yes, the beautiful angst that I hope crushes people's souls

I really do hope you enjoy (or cry) to this

Have a great day or night!!

Anger towards you.

- Hanako does often get stressed out

- But he isn’t that good with handling his emotions

- He hides when he gets emotional, not to say something he didn’t mean or cause harm to anyone

- He wouldn’t normally lash out

- But today just really wasn’t his day…

- He wanted to leave, he wanted to be alone but you wouldn’t allow that

- You knew that him being alone in this time wasn’t a good idea

- But neither was him talking to anyone right now

- However, you wanted to make sure he was okay

- And he was grateful that you cared but… he couldn’t see that at the moment

- After a while, he grabbed your wrists, pinned you to the wall, and lashed out at you

“I need you to shut up…! You are no help to me, do you understand?! You are shit to me! You don’t care about me so don’t act like you do! I fucking hate you! Damn you…!”

- His body was shaking as he shouted at you, his eyes full of tears

- He left you there, his body and voice weak

- You were in shock, he never lashed out at you like that

- He will stay alone, keeping to himself in his stall for hours

- He would instantly feel bad about the words he said

- However, he didn’t know how to say sorry

- He will just sit on the toilet, holding himself as he cries

- Cries due to regret for what he said to you, cries due to the shitty day, cries due to past memories, and cries due to all the stress put on him now

- It’s too much for him to take sometimes

- The next day, he has a obvious change in attitude

- He wants to say sorry but doesn’t know how to actually say it

- However, he will say sorry eventually

- Whether that is as soon as he sees you or later when he builds up the courage

- Either way he feels guilty and will apologize for his behavior

- He knows you just wanted to help

- Please forgive him

You are worthless.

It takes a lot to make him snap at you

However, if you two are in a bad situation and things aren’t going right… he might just snap if he feels like you are getting in the way

For example, if he is trying to kill a spirit and you get in the way

He won’t be too happy about that

You will probably still be arguing after about the matter

He would be pissed off from the day he had

He had to deal with school, student council, spirits, and now you are getting in the way

He wouldn’t really raise his voice, his words coming off cold instead

While he loves you, he thinks your logic is terrible

Supernaturals are evil creatures. There is no good for them but you claim they are.

And you pressed into it as well, saying he was wrong

That didn’t help him at all

And that’s when he finally snapped.

“Y/n. Stop acting like your opinion matters, because it doesn’t. You are too dumb to actually comprehend anything about this situation. You are immature and you got in the way of my work because of your selfishness. you are so worthless… why did I think I could rely on you for anything, you only let me down in the end.”

After that he walks off, too frustrated to speak anymore

It takes him a couple hours to complete cool off

But instead of feeling angry… he was very disappointed in himself

He lost control of his emotions and he lashed out at you

He shouldn’t have done that…

He would try to message you, hoping you haven’t blocked him

If he doesn’t see that it’s read in one minute, he will go find you

If you aren’t still in school, he will walk to your house

He can’t have a clear conscious after what he has done

He won’t have much prepared when he sees you but he will give you a big apology

He knows he said some really cruel things…

He is just hoping you will forgive him

#tbhk #toilet bound hanako kun #tbhk x reader #jshk #tbhk anime #toilet bound x reader #hanako x reader #jshk x reader #hanako kun #jibaku shounen hanako kun #toilet bound hanako kun x reader #hanako san #teru x reader #tbhk teru #teru minamoto #tbhk angst #tbhk minamoto #tbhk manga

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colorlesschristmastree · 2 months

Note

I hope I’m not being annoying but I just really need to rant about my hope that SJM puts feyre in a more prominent role in the next ACOTAR book. I thought her page time was a bit disappointing but not terrible in ACOSF (I mean, ideally I want her on every page. But seeing as that book was all Nesta Nesta Nesta and hardly any Cassian even…and with how bad a book it was, I’m fine with her staying away from whatever that was). But I was heartbroken over the fact she wasn’t in HOFAS at all!? After SJM teased her being there!? I mean, I get it wasn’t a big crossover and Nesta and Azriel were the highlights. But I can’t help but feel embarrassingly bitter that Nesta was highlighted so much in ACOWAR to the point it took away a bit from Feyre’s finale; Nesta was also the topic of conversation in ACOFAS and was at least a quarter of what Feyre-and other characters-were thinking about the whole book. Then the whole of ACOSF she had a terrible arc and her head is a nasty place to be, she was horrible to feyre the whole book and had that cheap ass lame ass “savior” moment at the end… I thought we could finally be free of her and see Elain shine, and get more Feyre. But then SJM put Nesta at the center of the crossover too?? And ended it by seemingly giving Nesta even more plot for her to do next ACOTAR book??? Ugh! I’m just so mad and I feel embarrassed complaining about my favs getting less page time and someone I hate getting too much spotlight but I’m just so mad. I really sincerely hope that while they were doing the crossover in HOFAS, Feyre, Elain, and maybe even Mor were doing other things that we will see in ACOTAR. And I hope feyre gets the respect she deserves. :/

You're not being annoying at all anon! Sorry for responding to this so late. I completely understand your frustrations. It was definitely annoying when I read bits of hofas and saw that despite SJM teasing a lot more acotar character content and acting like there would be more than there is there really wasn't much at all and everything we got was boring as shit. I feel like the way she presented this book and what we got were two very different things.

I definitely agree that the amount Nesta's character is being shoved down peoples throats is getting obnoxious at this point. She got her spin off book and her little story and I really don't think she needs more. Tbh though I wouldn't be too stressed about it since SJM in recent books can't follow through on a plot to save her own life. So many things brought up in CC1 and CC2 that either went absolutely nowhere or just were lightly touched on but didn't have the important it seemed like they would. So I honestly doubt the end of hofas is going to become as massive as we think it is, more likely than not the resolution to that is going to come from a pages long info dumping session where we find out the why but it doesn't actually get it's own plot and story... I mean that's basically how 90% of the mysteries established in the prior two CC books and a bit in ACOSF were handled in HOFAS. I honestly predict the same for the next acotar book lmao.

I also super desperately miss Feyre.. she's the main character and the heart of the acotar series and honestly such a comfort! I wouldn't worry too much though babe, I mean the crossover was basically worthless and just info dumping, I'm glad Feyre wasn't involved in that mess. I still think Elain's book is going to be next and I'm excited for that, Nesta will have a role and that's whatever ig but I'm not going to let a boring character whose book was bad ruin my enjoyment of Elain's book.

The main acotar series where Feyre was still our narrator and protagonist will always be the best in my eyes and these are just spin off books that let us see her sisters stories and they aren't gonna dampen my love for the main series. I'm actually doing a reread of the main series right now with the discord server and we're just raving about how much we adore Feyre and her pov. I love how plot filled these books are, every scene and page actually feels important and contributes to the overarching plot of the book and there are no massive scenes of unnecessary info dumping like certain.. other books.

Love u nonnie and every SJM book that strays from Feyre's holy light is progressively worse written which just says something about our girls story.

#my posts #anons #pro feyre #feyre supremacy #anti hofas #anti nesta

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snowandsage · 10 months

Text

⚠️⚠️TRIGGER WARNING: ED, body image, depression, mental illness ⚠️⚠️

I would never in a million years post something like this to any of my other social media accounts but I’m proud of myself and how far I’ve come and want to make a post. It’s likely that this will be taken down for the “inappropriate photos” and I sincerely doubt that many will take the time to read this, but oh well. I’m writing this for me.

The purpose of this post is to share my story and spread awareness as well as positivity.

My body image is something that I have struggled with for a very long time now. Since middle school, I was overly aware of how my body looked and I developed severe body dysmorphia. I refused to wear bathing suits, I cried in the dressing room whenever I went clothes shopping, and I constantly compared myself to those around me. I hated my body and the way that I looked. This obsession with my appearance and my weight continued to progress throughout high school and even college. I began working out frequently, I logged my weight and everything that I ate for years, I counted calories, I would use a tape measure to measure my waste. At 15 years old, I would sob quietly to myself while looking at my body in the mirror. I would force myself to throw up after meals or when I felt like I overindulged. I wholeheartedly hated myself.

It wasn’t until my adult years that things started to get really bad. From 2021 to late 2022, I was at my absolute worst. I was in a bad place mentally and I was feeling out of control. As unhealthy as it sounds, my eating disorder was one of the few things that helped me feel in control of my life. I began weighing myself 4-5 times every day, my hair started falling out in large clumps, I began passing out almost on a daily basis (at home, at work, in the shower, in public), I was freezing cold all the time, i was chronically fatigued, and my body hurt and ached at all times. I was refusing to eat more than one full meal a day, and that meal typically consisted of a bagel with butter. I would look up the calories in ibuprofen before taking it, I started drinking my coffee black to avoid the calories from cream, I was constantly lying to my friends and family about my eating, I wouldn’t even let myself drink carbonated water because it made me feel bloated. I was so so so sick. Within one year, I had lost a total of 50 pounds, gone down 2 bra sizes, and had no longer fit in any of my clothing. I am a 6’3” woman and was weighing in at 124lbs when I decided that I needed to make a change if I wanted to live.

In November of 2022, I decided to actively work on getting better. I threw away my scale and called my doctor to get a referral to an ED program. I was advised to go completely inpatient considering the severity of my problem.

It’s hard. Every single day of this healing process has been hard for me. I have not once weighed myself since November and have been eating normal meals again. I refuse to let myself see the calories of the things that I eat and I’m pushing myself to break all of the unhealthy “rules” that I had previously made for myself. It’s obvious that I have gained quite a bit of weight since starting this journey, and although I still struggle with that and frequently have negative thoughts… I’m recovering and I’m trying. And that is all the matters.

I’ve slowly been learning to love myself with this new and improved body and I’m proud of myself for making it this far. I promise myself that I will continue to grow and heal even on days where I want to relapse or when I feel worthless or uncomfortable in my own skin.

I just recently learned some information that caused me to really, truly think about this terrible illness and how deeply and negatively it has, and always will, affect my life. About 3 weeks ago I wound up in the emergency department with severe heart palpitations, tachycardia, and vertigo. After doing an EKG and further testing, I was diagnosed with a rare heart condition in which can cause sudden fainting, seizures, or even sudden death. Unfortunately, one of the few things that can cause this, are eating disorders, more specifically anorexia nervosa. I wanted to throw up when I heard this. I didn’t realize how badly my ED could have been affecting my health. All that ever ran through my head was that I wanted to be skinny. I wanted to be thin because I didn’t feel worthy if I wasn’t. Surely, nobody would love me or want to see me naked if I wasn’t thin. What absolutely bullshit that is. I’m heartbroken for myself and I am so sad that I ever let myself get that bad. It devastates me to think about how many other people (men, women, young, old, etc.) struggle with eating disorders every waking minute of their lives. It isn’t worth it.

Please, please, please reach out to somebody if you are struggling with an eating disorder. You are so worth it and you deserve a chance at a happy and healthy life. You are SO much more than a number on a scale.

The first 5 photos are pictures that I took when I was at my unhealthiest and the remaining pictures are recent.

#recovery #may be triggering #mental health #ed awareness #snowandsage #body image #body dysmorphia

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arc-misadventures · 2 years

Note

Can we get more of "her most holy saint" and whats the faculties thoughts on jaune also this AU is hilarious

Status Update

At the top of Beacon Tower in Ozpin’s office.

Cinder: Hello, Headmaster Ozpin, Deputy-Headmistress Goodwitch, General Ironwood… Qrow.

Qrow: Why do I always get the cold shoulder?

Cinder: I could set it on fire if it would make you feel better?

Glynda: Not now, Miss Fall. Perhaps later though.

Qrow: Later?!

Cinder: Very well.

Ozpin: Pleasantries aside, how goes your progress with the, Saint; Have you made any headways?

Cinder: Not as many as we would like, Headmaster.

Ironwood: Explain?

Cinder: As per the mission statement: My team are trying to show the, Saint a more realistic view of the world so she made more accurately help the people of the world, rather then in her current state of a blind optimist. Myself, and my fellow teammate, Emerald Sustari have infiltrated the Saints clique in an attempt to spy on her, and her followers from within. Neo Politian, our third teammate, is currently spying on the various members of her clique, and eves-dropping on other random students to gain their opinions on the matter of the, Saint.

Ironwood: Are you gaining any information that way?

Cinder: Mostly the hidden thoughts, and opinions the various students have about my Team Leader, Jaune Arc’s actions taken towards the, Saint. They are less likely to say them to me, and Emerald because we are, Jaune’s teammates.

Glynda: Have you made any headway with, Arc’s rather… striking verbal remarks.

Cinder: It’s hard to say: From what I’ve seen, Jaune’s remarks have impacted her somewhat, but her clique is always around her, showering her with praise, and reassurances the moment he says them. They have become our most strenuous obstacle to overcome thus far.

Ironwood: Makes sense, it easier to make anyone feel terrible, or worthless when they are alone, then they are surrounded by friends, and family.

Qrow: Words of experience there, Jimbo?

Ironwood: Basic, Psychological Warfare tactics, Qrow. Nothing more.

Glynda: How is, Mr. Arc holding up; I assume for someone such as himself, acting like such a villain is hard on him.

Cinder: It has been hard on him… Jaune’s a sweet boy… Jaune, just like everyone has a dark side to him, but for him to hate someone, to truly hate someone he needs a reason, a personal guttural reason to hate someone. Hating someone because he has to is the complete opposite to his personality. He’s trying his best, but it is getting to him.

Ozpin: So we are nowhere closer to our goal than before… We’re running low, on time here.

Glynda: We need to isolate, Ms. Nikos so, Mr. Arc gains more opportunities to antagonize her, and to curb away her support group.

Ironwood: That sounds easy enough, but it will be hard to accomplish.

Qrow: Just change their schedules so they can’t stay as close to one another as they would like to.

Glynda. Impossible, they are all first years, their schedules are all the same, any alterations we make to them will have little to no effect upon them.

Ozpin: Hmm… Is there anything else you would like to report, Ms. Fall? If so, you may leave.

Cinder: Actually, Headmaster there is one thing I would like to tell you about, Jaune, and the Saint’s most recent interaction.

Ironwood: Why didn’t you mention this before?

Cinder: I am… unsure what do do with this latest revelation, Sir.

Ozpin: Did something happen?

Cinder: The Saint cornered, Jaune, alone because she wished to speak with him, without the presence of her clique.

Qrow: Didn’t want her little following to interrupt her?

Cinder: Correct. She wanted to have some words alone with, Jaune without their constant interruptions. Jaune thought he could capitalize on this opportunity to be particularly cruel to the, Saint to which he did.

Glynda: What did he say?

Cinder: The, Saint wanted to know why, Jajne hated her as much as he did, Jaune simply replied he hated her because he hated her.

Ozpin: A simple enough reason.

Ironwood: Considering its Mr. Arc, that was the best answer he could possibly give her. He would never tell her he hated her because he had to hate her.

Cinder: Precisely, so with this, she started to press him harder, and harder until, Jaune snapped and… slapped her…

Ozpin: H-He what?

Cinder: Jaune slapped the, Saint…

Qrow: (Whistles~!) That’s pretty ballsy of him.

Glynda: How badly was she slapped?

Cinder: No visible mark was left behind, Ma’am.

Ironwood: But, what was the mark he left behind?

Cinder: W-Well… That’s where things get… complicated…

Ozpin: Complicated how? She didn’t call for her followers to take up vengeance did she?

Ironwood: Would that even happen? Nikos isn’t the type who would do such things to another.

Cinder: I would have certainly preferred that…

Ozpin: And, why is that, Ms. Fall?

Cinder: The, Saint… Ms. Nikos asked, Jaune to… To slap her again…

Ozpin: …

Ozpin: Excuse me?

Cinder: Ms. Nikos wanted, Jaune to slap her again…

Ironwood: She wanted him to what…?

Cinder: H-Harder this time though…

Glynda: Don’t tell me…

Cinder: We believe, Ms. Nikos to be a masochist…

OGJQ: …

Qrow: DAMN!!! Ahahaha! Little miss perfect and so saintly now is she?!

Glynda: Considering her background it makes sense, but… seriously?!

Cinder: Jaune was very descriptive in how depraved, Ms. Nikos face was when she was begging him to, and I quote… oh gods… I quote: “Make me your bitch, Master…”

OGJQ: …

Glynda: And… And, where is, Mr. Arc, right now, Ms. Fall?

Cinder: Jaune is currently hiding away in our dorm room, under a pile of blankets scared for his life as the rest of my team is trying to consul him, to help him get through… this…?!

Ozpin: I see… Uhh… Qrow…?

Qrow: Yeah, Ozzy?

Ozpin holds his mug out to him.

Ozpin: Top me off will you?

#rwby #jaune arc #cinder fall #rwby neo #emerald sustrai #pyrrha nikos #james ironwood #qrow branwen #glynda goodwitch #rwby ozpin

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dimiclaudeblaigan · 8 months

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i. hate this. so. much.

like. what a way to say Claude isn't actually intelligent. can't make his own plans and/or execute them without someone's help. this guy survived most of his life avoiding being assassinated. literally, starting from childhood.

there is absolutely no way his schemes/plans/etc are "nothing" or "just words" without Byleth. Byleth was only in his life for a single fucking year at this point, then out of his life for five straight years.

it's one thing to have a friendship that's made him open up more for the first time ever, etc etc. but his intellect? everything he pours into his plans? Byleth gets all the credit for that?

I don't hate Byleth, but I do hate that Byleth completely wipes all sense of agency from Claude. I do hate that Claude considers his plans and such to be worthless without Byleth. I do hate that Byleth's existence in Claude's life makes him reliant on Byleth - something he absolutely is not in any other route.

I'm mixed on VW specifically because of this. it feels like he gets more done in the other routes by his own hand. he's shown to never need Byleth to get things done. he managed to keep the Alliance steady and neutral for five whole years without Byleth's influence. suddenly Byleth is back, and Claude insists he couldn't have convinced the Alliance lords to go with his plans without Byleth representing the Church.

wouldn't Seteth do more in that regard? he's a known and active member of the Church who has been there for years. he's known to be Rhea's second in command. wouldn't the Alliance lords respond better to the well known and respected Seteth, who is fighting alongside them in war, than to a complete stranger that they're seeing for the very first time? than a complete stranger just walking in claiming to be there to represent Rhea/the Church? why would they even believe that to be true if they didn't trust Claude?

but yet, they trusted Claude enough for the Alliance not to collapse into complete chaos during wartime. but all of a sudden Byleth's existence is the only reason why Claude can do... literally anything?

Byleth, as an individual, is a good character. Byleth, as the player's proxy, is an absolutely terrible character in two, arguably three routes.

in VW, this stuff

in CF, Edelgard apparently can't fight her war properly and has been sad for five years without Byleth... but in the other routes she's perceived to be in love with Byleth there too, and she can wage her war just fine without being unable to do what she set out to do because Byleth isn't there

in SS, the Church just follows Byleth without question and without raising an eyebrow. "Rhea said so" is pretty much the only reason. granted, Seteth openly didn't trust Byleth at first, but he's the only one. I do understand that Rhea wanted Byleth to take over after her and all that, but you could also still argue that the player proxy just walked in and took over the Church; hence, I can see it both ways for SS

I'd argue it's the worst in VW, because at least the Empire is still winning in CF (which if it's the player chosen route, then the player chosen route always wins), and it's winning the war in all routes at the start of the timeskip. Edelgard doesn't attribute the Empire's victories to Byleth in any way (that I can recall) while Byleth isn't present. In VW, as soon as Byleth is back, after the Alliance has been on rocky ground for five years, suddenly everything is different now and they can totally definitely absolutely win. no thanks to Claude, of course, because Byleth is here now!

like, it just makes all of the victories go to Byleth's hands and never Claude's. I hate how VW treats Claude. it's his own route, but he's made to look significantly more competent in all the other routes.

the thing is, I love Claude, and this just ain't it. Claude's victories should go to Claude. Claude's credit should go to Claude. Claude's intellect and ability to plan, maneuver and scheme should go to Claude. Byleth didn't do any of it. Byleth fought in the actual battles and... apparently leads their army (instead of Claude???)??? Byleth didn't come up with anything, only fighting in the actual battles.

and tbh, how is Claude going to inspire trust and loyalty with the other lords if... he can't even lead and has to rely on the current leader of the Church? if his victories aren't attributed to him, why should the other lords have faith in him? if Claude himself is going to demean his intelligence in favor of Byleth's prowess on the battlefield, why should the other lords trust him as their leader?

if Claude is only capable of inspiring neutrality and not victory, he's not a good leader... and that's a problem with the writing, because he is a good leader. he's shown to be a great leader in AM/CF. if they felt on the verge on disastrous infighting with Claude leading them but all settled down for Byleth, what good is Claude compared to Byleth?

and I absolutelyyyyy fucking hate that. VW is Claude's route, and yet it shoves him down for Byleth at all possible opportunities - even unnecessary ones!

Byleth is obviously the player proxy and thus has a strong effect on all routes, but it feels so much more notorious to me on VW. it's the only route that straight up degrades its lord in favor of the player proxy - and in fact has the lord basically outright state themselves as useless without said player proxy.

Claude deserves so much better than this.

I know people say like "Dimitri fans just prefer AM Claude because of Dimitri" and shit, but like... no, I just hate that VW!Claude is treated like an afterthought to Byleth. He's treated so much better by the narrative in the other routes. He can be who he always was, and especially who he was at the beginning of the game (just with growth later on). no Byleth is better for him in the sense that the writing doesn't push him under Byleth's boot.

Byleth isn't better than him in every goddamn regard in the other routes, and he even declines joining the Kingdom army because he has other things to do. He doesn't bow down to Byleth and say it's all thanks to our dear Teach that the Alliance survived. He credits Dimitri and the Kingdom for the help, and he specifically requested Dimitri's help and not Byleth's.

There's no player proxy obsession from Claude in AM. The closest we get is Claude saying if Byleth had chosen him over Dimitri, which is a brief thought he cuts off and otherwise attributes the rescue to the Kingdom army and Dimitri's quick decision to take action and go help them.

At least for me, that's why I prefer AM Claude (and even CF Claude is better than VW Claude's behavior about Byleth). He's not second to Byleth. He's not second to anyone. He defends his country and will even stay to the death to protect them. He's their leader and he acts the part. VW treats him like a figurehead who is second to Byleth, basically making Claude second to the Church.

They're not even treated as equals. Claude is straight up degraded, even by himself, in favor of Byleth.

Buddy. I. Hate. That.

#DCB Three Houses Run #this is a big fat rant on why i hate vw claude's treatment - in his own goddamn route!#claude deserved so much fckn better than this but the writers said no! byleth gets all the credit for everything ever!#i like vw bc claude and lorenz get more depth shown to us but like...#i have veeeery mixed feelings on it bc how they treat claude in his own route #anyway if you think i hate claude bc of this post you're an idiot i'm just sayin'

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ridiasfangirlings · 5 months

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Highschool au where Fushimi is in the student council and Yata is a delinquent and they used to be friends. Fushimi won't open up to anyone and so most people don't know his issues. He doesn't cooperate well with others either and got scolded by student president Munakata who accidentally hit a sore spot on the way. Yata hears this and gets angry on Fushimi's behalf and punched Munakata in the face. When asked why he did it, Yata just says he hates the president and it's totally not for Fushimi.

Would Munakata ever scold his precious Fushimi-kun though XD Maybe he says something that Yata thinks is an insult, or that like ends up accidentally harsher than Munakata realizes. So imagine high school AU and Yata hangs out with the school delinquents, acting like a tough guy all the time and bragging that he can beat up any nerd from the student council who tries to tell him what to do. The aforementioned nerd from the student council Fushimi takes that as a challenge, because he hates worthless delinquents who won’t ever amount to anything. Really though he and Yata were childhood friends who had a terrible falling out right at the beginning of high school, when Yata gravitated to the cool guys of Homra and Fushimi felt left out, eventually abandoning Yata and joining the student council.

Student council president Munakata is of course more than pleased to have Fushimi-kun working with him. Munakata is very impressed with Fushimi’s abilities and work ethic. Oh maybe like this is sort of a ROK style AU where Munakata is trying to get the other delinquents of jungle to start coming to class and not hiding in the computer lab all day. As part of this he concocts a plan wherein he and Fushimi will have a small public fight and Fushimi will try to infiltrate jungle’s computer lab. Except this time things don’t go quite so smoothly, Munakata is scolding Fushimi for like allowing a computer virus to erase their files and kinda hints that Fushimi did that on purpose, pulling out the ‘you’re used to being a traitor’ line — and then Yata comes out of nowhere and just punches Munakata right in the face.

Yata is immediately standing over Munakata yelling like how dare you say that shit to Saruhiko while Munakata retrieves his glasses and tries to regain his dignity, he did not entirely expect this and in retrospect maybe he should have made sure Yata Misaki was not nearby before putting on this play. Yata’s angry ranting is suddenly interrupted by the smallest ‘heh,’ and Yata turns just as Fushimi can’t take it anymore and starts laughing. Yata’s very confused because wasn’t Fushimi just being horribly scolded, Fushimi completely can’t keep a straight face anymore as he’s like ‘Misaki you really are an idiot.’ Yata’s quickly like ‘w-well, I just don’t like that guy’s face — I-I didn’t punch him for you or anything!’ (unexpected Yata tsun moment). Yata’s kinda happy to see Fushimi’s laughing though, he doesn’t know why but he feels much lighter all of a sudden (at least until he hears the sound of Munakata clearing his throat behind him all ‘Yata-kun, if you could accompany me to the principal’s office’).

#sarumi #Talking K #imagine the dramatic betrayal scene but it's like high school #and Hisui just hacked the student council's computers to get out of gym again #Munakata and Fushimi having their dramatic fight #and then Yata just punches Munakata right in the face #and it is the best thing that Fushimi has ever seen #he would be laughing so much imagine how cute

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beesmygod · 6 months

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What is your ranking of the 'souls' fromsoft games you've played and why? I SUSPECT bludbornt takes the number 1 slot for reasons.

this is actually really really hard because while i love the bloodborne story, some of the structural and pacing issues can result in an awful gameplay experience. like if its your first time playing the game the last boss you're going to fight is mergo's wet nurse which is a huge wet fart of a final boss with a dogshit soundtrack. some of the boss fights are rank as well. like laurence is fucking awful. rom is a SLOGGGGGGG i dread having to fight rom every time bc its just a test of my patience instead of a skill check. defiled watchdog and amygdala are terrible. not fun. very bad. great dlc tho

it ties with dark souls 1 which i dearly, dearly love so much i could play it forever except once you play literally any other fromsoft game it is so hard to go back to. the quality of life additions in later games like "being able to fast travel without needing to complete half the game" and "being able to move at a reasonable pace instead of plodding around like the gravity on planet dark souls is stronger than earth" are completely absent. is...almost a little too mean. some of those boss runs are real rough. also great dlc. i love broken pyromancy so much. wait i just remembered centipede demon i hate that fight. fuck him. and fuck his ketchup kids

ds3 is a close second bc its ds1 but they gave it a bunch of quality of life fixes that make it much less frustrating to play. however, the pay off is that it has one terrible dlc and one thats just ok. i hate the final boss of the base game i think it sucks. nearly everyone disagrees with me so dont listen to me. but i think it's a stinker lol. the midir fight is grueling, unfun. ive done it and it was awful. i think there are too many "puzzle" bosses (wolnir, yhorm, ancient wyvern) that feel like they were imported from a zelda game. i do not like those at all. dont waste my time from! im here to kill monsters by the skin of my teeth!!! not play donkey kong!!!

i took a long time to warm up to sekiro and really disliked it until it "clicked" and then it became mind-blowing. i really hope they make more like this with this fighting system. maybe even a sekiro 2 (tomoe story PLEAAASSEEEE FROM. it was teased so hard...). it has an incredible plot, world, means of delivering its story, heart pounding battles, and the single best fromsoft final boss fight ever. bar none. sword saint isshin is an unbelievable experience.

but...fromsoft what the fuck am i supposed to do with all this currency ive amassed lol. they forgot to give me things to buy. you dont have this problem in souls games because you use them to level up, but in sekiro you have to fucking git gud. there's no level system and defense bonuses are tied to defeating bosses. if you can't defeat a boss you are absolutely fucked and have to throw yourself against the wall over and over, which can truly be a terrible grind.

some of the boss fights are h o r r i b l e. most fromsoft games have me chasing down minibosses to beat for fun but the headless are literally dreadful. i just skip them altogether now because if it wasnt enough that they cast a "remove fun" AOE spell, but the items they drop are worthless. i will never use these lol. what the fuck from. the second fight with the ape is stupid. im never going to fight the demon of hatred sorry lol. you can't put a fucking bloodborne beast in a game almost entirely revolving around human enemies.

never finished ds2

#soulsborne

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rorschachisgay · 1 year

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i find reading 4chan posts absolutely fascinating in a like anthropological study way. everyone on that site has something horrifically wrong with them but there's a clear dividing line between people who are managing their lives but hang out on there because they are also unbelievably racist vs people who know theres something wrong with them and with the world but cant cope with it and get encouraged by the site to sink deeper into their own misery. i think there was a point in time when there were people on 4chan who werent reprehensible human beings but we're long past that point and now its just purely egregiously awful.

but there is something so interesting about it as a like hive of human suffering. no one on there is like actually happy with their lives. sometimes you get those posts like the turtle one i just reblogged that are kind of beautiful in their earnest appreciation for life and that we can all empathise with but there's no doubt in my mind that every single other post that user has made is like talking about the pussy phrenology of different anime girls.

you have this very specific type of person who is completely disaffected by society and is deeply isolated, either has no real friends or no one he feels close with enough to be actually honest with, understands that the system we live in is broken and that he himself is a broken person, but has chosen to concentrate all that anger and misery into becoming the most hateful version of themselves possible. probably doesn't even see it as a choice because he doesn't see immediate reward for making the most minute amount of effort to improve his life, so assumes that it's totally helpless. and that's not to say they don't live in circumstances that do make profound change incredibly difficult because i have seen that some of them do, but there's also a refusal to stop being in online spaces that are actively encouraging you to destroy yourself.

there's this very specific type of person you get, which is someone whose rage and misery comes from their own narcissism. they are convinced they are smarter, better, more worthwhile than everyone around them, that everyone they know is a moron and a worthless person. but they themselves see no success and no happiness in their own life, despite the fact they feel they deserve better. and because they know they're the best person alive but they're also a failure by their own metric, they become hateful both internally and externally. obviously to some extent we all feel something like this, we all at one point or another get stuck in a shitty job or shitty class or shitty family that is holding you back and you're with genuinely bad people. but with this case, with this kind of real internalised hatred, your anger escalates outside of just immediate irritating coworkers, there's this genuine pure and unbridled hatred and rage for everyone around you for experiencing any kind of earnest and genuine emotion in the face of your own misery.

and that kind of mindset is an epidemic on 4chan, that each of them deserves more and that they despise anyone who feels anything earnestly. they're not really capable of escaping their own cynical hatred. unsurprisingly you see this a lot with white supremacists and misogynists, since most if not all 4chan users are also white supremacists and misogynists, where their whiteness and maleness should automatically make them the superior but they aren't successful and therefore there must be some other reason, some kind of conspiracy against them. there's this constant awareness on 4chan that the system is fucked but they're also unable to put the pieces together because of their own bigotry and their own refusal to see that they might be wrong.

it's interesting to me because on one level there's things I understand; i have been profoundly lonely and isolated almost my entire life, i feel disenfranchised by the terrible system we live in, i love the movie Drive. i can also sometimes understand the desire to make yourself as reprehensible to outsiders as possible, to become some kind of truly vile thing to make everyone who doesn't understand feel ill and uncomfortable and awful. but i also can never understand everything else, the deep-seated true venomous hatred for all humanity, the bigotry, the total close-minded determination to be miserable. it's like looking through some kind of hideous black mirror of what life could be like if i didn't grow up being taught feminist theory and anti-racism. because i don't think there's any single innate trait that proves you can or can't be one of these people, it takes effort. you have to work to expand your knowledge, to open your mind, to keep trying. you have to be able to accept when you're wrong. you have to choose to care about people.

but like i said i do read a lot of these posts and it is always fascinating to me how much these people try to escape their humanity but are so human in doing so. there's something kind of Sisyphean about it.

there was a trend back in the 2012s on here to talk about 4chan like it was full of leet dark hackers and at some points in time there have definitely been people on there who know how cybersecurity works and how to get around it, but as of this present year in the 2020s, the userbase seems to be almost entirely just the most pathetic, saddest part of humanity imaginable. i assume that has a lot to do with the shifting userbase, the website changing hosts and domains and owners, etc, and the different face of the internet now. mostly now i think they're just profoundly sad.

and its like. I do find these people fascinating. but they are also so fucking unbelievably mind-numbingly boring. they will never produce anything true or beautiful because they are so fucking scared of feeling and of people. they will just sit alone for their entire lives believing that if it's going to get better it will only be because of someone finally recognising their genius.

i don't know if you can or can't help them. I don't really see it as our duty to do so. if someone is a nazi for their entire young adult life i don't think any of us should have to fix that for them. I think if the system we live in is changed it will also make life better for them, because it will make life better for everyone, but i don't particularly want to assign the duty of "we NEED to help these poor racist white men" to anyone. i understand how people get in these positions but it's the same issue again and again. a total refusal to take any action out of a sense you should not be inconvenienced, people should hand stuff to you.

i have no real deeper conclusion here. i just find something really strange and interesting about looking at a post about seeing a beautiful spark of hope for humanity and knowing that that same person, the day before, wrote about how he intentionally shit himself in public to try and make a woman on the bus uncomfortable.

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acourtofthought · 1 year

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Hello!

I need to vent how horrible the acotar fandom is.

This ship war has become hell. I can't stand to see how much they chase the girls (Elain and Gwyn) and exempt Azriel's contradictory actions.

Male chauvinist is very dominant as always, especially among such young girls.

Another one who suffers a lot from this is Lucien. The disrespect in theories is absurd, I doubt that Elain would like to be talked about the way they say about Lucien. Remembering that she defended Lucien from the love of her life Greyson in Acowar.

Absurd theories that Lucien is someone like Tamlin's father, Rhys' father or like Beron himself.

They say that acotar5 will be forbidden romance. Where they'll do it all behind Lucien's back like he deserves to be tricked or manipulated.

They place him as an aggressor and harasser, and he is a sexually and psychologically abused character.

They say the bond of mates is fake like Rowan, but they forget that the bond never existed. Rowan didn't feel that thread, and yet he loved Lirya and their child.

Aelin has great respect for Rowan's history, just as he does for her past and romances, unlike Azriel who sees Lucien as a nuisance and shows gratuitous disrespect.

Elriel stan are sometimes racist and make fun of the violence he suffered and even make fun of his disability.

I as Lucien Stan get sick of these things. How do you handle this fandom? Do you have any tips on how not to fall into the desperate Elriel's traps?

How do you think Elain would react to hearing the dismissive way Azriel says of Lucien? How do you think she would handle it if she heard about the Blood Duel idea?

Vent Away!! I understand your frustration because people have blown way past reason and logic and have entered into Mean Girl territory all in the name of fictional characters.

And pitting Elain and Gwyn against one another while treating Az like a poor baby who just needs to be "wuved" is disturbing.

This man TORTURES people. He starts fights in important political meetings because he can't control himself. He disobeys orders from his High Lord and High Lady.

Yes, what happened to Azriel is terrible and it's completely understandable why he's got issues. But constantly making excuses for him and giving him repeated forgiveness for his actions / behaviors while acting like two females under the age of 30 who very recently experienced major traumas and have not yet discovered who they're meant to be are the problem is crazy.

Elain and Gwyn are extremely parallel characters right now.

Both had older sisters who protected them. We know it's a fact for Elain and Gwyn tells us:

"Catrin was always the strong one" "After our mother died, she took care of me. Looked out for me."

Catrin was Gwyn's Nesta.

Both have shown moments of extreme bravery (Elain while saving Briar and when she stabbed the King and Gwyn during the attack on Sangravah and the Rite).

But despite that, they are both still hesitant to fully embrace their futures. Elain by sort of hiding in the NC telling herself everything is fine and Gwyn (despite her proclamation that she was tired of living in the library and didn't want to take the safe road anymore) returned to living in the library and wasn't sure she would attend Nesta's ceremony after the Rite.

Again, lots of similarities between them.

One of the only reasons E/riels have a problem with Gwyn is because Az is being set up as her possible LI. No, she doesn't need to be your favorite character but it's a near impossibility to hate a character whose major role in SF was to be Nesta's support system. To have created so many slanderous things to say about her. How can you have so much hate for a character who has not been written to be antagonistic in any way right now?

And the Elain hate is also extreme. I've seen some Gwynriels (this is a very select few as most Gwynriels I talk to are awesome) say that Elain should be killed off or SA because she's worthless. This is a girl who had a special cake made for her sister because she wanted her to know how much she's always appreciated her. Elain stood up to Nesta to allow Feyre to use their home as a meeting spot for the Human Queens regardless of what that might mean for her own engagement. This is a girl who has always shown the members of Feyre's new family with respect. She doesn't have to be anyones favorite but Geeez. Saying she'd be better dead or assaulted is way out there. Of course people have things they dislike about her, that tends to happen when a character is more fleshed out. SJM has given her good and bad (especially when we are witnessing sister squabbles on page) but acting like she's a more terrible person than Az is 🤔

And Lucien, my god. His entire journey so far has been filled with impossible decisions. Constantly being put in the middle of his friend and High Lord (a High Lord who gave him a job and home) and Feyre, a friend he had just met. Always between a rock and a hard place on what she needed versus what Tamlin and the Spring Court needed. Being accused of not doing enough when, whenever he tried to do anything he was threatened and eventually abused by Tamlin. Having to reign in any emotions he may have had for Rhys and the IC, people he was led to believe were the bad guys for centuries and who really didn't show Lucien much respect in the beginning, because they were allowed to dictate when and how he was allowed to see his own Mate. He's never threatened ANYONE or brought harm to anyone Elain cared for. He freely works with Az even though Az treats him like garbage He's always tried to find balance between respecting Elain's need for space while also letting her know he'd still like to interact with her. All while he can't return to his home as his father keeps trying to kill him and Feyre ruined his name in Spring.

What tough decisions has Az made as of late? What impossible situations has he really been placed in? Az is a bit of an asshole right now for no real reason at all besides his desperate need for love while Lucien has legitimate problems and is faced with difficult decisions. Az starts fights, has anger issues, refuses to communicate, and doesn't listen to authority. Yet Az gets more respect because.......? Because he said something poetic about Illyrians and the wind and acts like a perfect gentleman around Elain?

I do think SJM will restore Azriel's character but anyone holding him in higher regard at the moment than Lucien, Elain or Gwyn is a very interesting person indeed.

To answer your last question, Elain would dislike everything about the Az that exists when she's not around. From how he talks about Lucien to his casual disregard for he and Graysen's lives. To the real thoughts he has about her, that she's the "third sister" and that's why he wonders why he didn't get a bond, that his thoughts for her really only amount to sexual fantasies. That he doesn't think she can handle something dangerous.

It's ironic because the front Az puts up around Elain is how Lucien actually is yet she's so stubborn against getting to know him that she hasn't realized it yet.

I think the reason I don't fall into the E/riel traps and bullying is because, after looking through the series over and over and OVER again, I finally feel like it's all clicked. I came up with a lot of different thoughts, even trying to prove an E/riel endgame possibility at one point but some of those things didn't feel right. I'd have an idea and start running with it but after asking other questions, the idea fell apart under my own scrutiny.

A year ago, I would have probably been uncertain on my stances and wondered if I missed something but now I do feel very confident that I'm just as versed as any of them might be (at least on the Elucien / Elriel / Gwynriel debate) and that makes it easy to ignore or argue back. That's not to say SJM can't turn around and completely change the direction of her story but as far as things stand right now, I do feel that I've grasped the hidden messages she's left us about those ships. And that in order for E/riel to ever be a possibility, she would have to go in a completely different direction and decide what's she's written so far didn't matter because what there is does not point to E/riel.

So for others out there that struggle dealing with them I think really looking back through the series and trying to disprove their arguments can help because it builds the confidence that you understand the material as well as the next person. Or, you can find blogs that resonate with you, that their logic also makes sense to yours, and use that to build up your knowledge.

But even if it's a blog you usually agree with, it's ok to question their take on it too. If I or anyone else says anything that makes you go "wait a minute", then going back to the books can again help. See if you can disprove (or even find additional supporting proof) of what they're saying.

In the end, regardless of how much effort you want to put in when it comes the series, remember that anyone who resorts to threats is not anyone you should be paying attention to anyway. They are obviously not someone you should respect and allow to dictate how you feel about yourself or your enjoyment of something.

I am sorry for the stressful nature of the fandom though. It does suck the life out of me from time to time and it makes me desperate for answers from SJM.

#pro elucien #elucien #elain archeron #lucien vanserra #anti e/riel #pro elain archeron #pro gwynriel #gwynriel #pro gwyneth berdara

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