#i feel bad every time i accept care for myself because im FINE im just kinda grumpy every now and then

[kavehater]

I wish I could inject pasilyo into my brain so I can have permanent happiness

#There’s this specific part of the song #It srsly alters my brain chemistry #Anyways #i hate tumblr sm #Idk like I Gen hate being on here sm #No matter what account I make no matter if I tell ppl about it whether I don’t tell ppl I just hate this place soooo much #Like if I have a following it sucks because it’s rlly lonely if I don’t it’s still lonely and then if there’s nobody at all it’s lonely #Loneliness is what got me to discord boy so like :D #The fact I am genuinely missing him sm I’m gonna krill myself 😻🙏 #Also I think I hate talking to minors cause these kids be letting themselves get groomed all the time I’m so tired of seeing it #The creep in my course is being so weird to Raisa who is a minor … I can’t help but think it’s all my fault … I invited her to the pharm gc #To show her how messy it was …. #I didn’t expect her to follow and accept requests of everyone … #Anyways I just am so annoyed. Like I wish I could have one person just one where I can be confident in being their no.1 but every time I th #Think I’m maybe somewhere high up on someone’s list of important ppl I realise I overestimated my position even tho I’m rlly self conscious #And being myself down over that. Also I still hate Eid. I hate Eid sm. How do ppl genuinely enjoy Eid. Idk if I’ve ever been excited for Ei #It’s like I’m just suddenly getting more sick of ppl by the day. I Gen don’t like talking to ppl at all even tho I used to rely on talking #To others like its sustenance now it’s just such a hassle to me because I’m so sick of being unimportant to literally every single person I #Have ever known. Literally everyone except maybe dahlia idk. the only person who has never gotten mad/snapped at me o is dahlia #And knowing my luck that will soon be taken from me too. Anyways good riddance to tumblr i loathe this site and im sick of the mind games #All the time from just existing on here. Gen makes me feel ill. I’m so sick of that girl I like and sick of everyone. The only time ppl car #Is when I cause a scene. And ykw atp I loathe being showed sympathy and pity for these sorts of posts because it just feels like a big joke #Cause why couldn’t you just care when I was fine. Why do you ONLY care when I’ve had enough of your bad behaviour. How does one make someon #Like me go mad with all these things #Istg if I come back to this dumb site whether to this acc to the tora one or my other account everyone has permission to beat me up. #dora daily #Tldr;I HATE ppl and everyone ever + I’m just sick of pretending like everyone doesn’t suck cause how can ppl be so insufferable intolerable #Insane horrible in every way and ppl like them. How do they live with themselves when they’re this aggravating. Every day I hate ppl more #Because their mannerisms their everything is just so embarrassing. #Essay tags 😻😻😻

[silenthillbunni]

.

#idk how to even express this or put it into worlds but it is lying right under my skin and itching so i need to try #i dont feel safe in the world. anywhere. i dont wanna leave my home. i dont wanna be outside and interact w ppl #i want to minimize all interactions w ppl bc ppl are DANGEROUS and unsafe #everytime i find myself alone in a room w a man wheteher he's a doctor or physical therapist my entire body wants to flee. nd shut down #even if it's 1 in 1000 that smth will happen just then #and almost every single time it goes fine. im under so much anxiety and fear during that entire session #whenever im out for my late night walks in nature and i hear a sound im on edge the entire way home bc i can imagine a 1000 bad things that #could happen #so on so forth there are countless scenarios like these it'd take me too long to recount all of them #but also.. the knowledge that this is just how it is. this is the ways of the world. everyone knows it. nothing to be done abt it... #it's sould crushing to be aware of that. nothing to be done abt it.... nothing at all. it is what it is #it is ridiculed. enjoyed. fetishized. etc etc etc #it always ends w victims dont matter. not the feelings or trauma or opinions or voices. #all reduced to smth to get off to. merely an objects. and empty shell. that is the ways of the world. nothing to be done abt it #and nowhere is safe. ppl are either perpetrators themselves. or they are defenders of it. or contributers to the surrounding culture #no one at all in the world can be trusted. no one is safe. no one cares. no one will do anything other than #ridicule u. blame u. trigger u. defend the acts of abusers. that is the truth of humanity #the truth of the world. it's all built on this. there is no other reality nor truth #and other people are capable of accepting it so well. like they dont care. bc they dont care abt anything actually #but i just cant accept it. i'd rather die than live in this world. and why should i live when i'll always be alone because #no one. is. safe. no one can be trusted #they're all on the vicious cruel abusive side. they all are. nobody cares abt wrongdoings or abuse or pain inflicted. nobody does #nobody cares at all abt what happened to u. they'll keep upholding the abusive systems in place. #bc u dont matter. u never have and never will #i dont wanna go outside or be around ppl bc no one is safe. theyre all against your safety comfort and wellbeing. they all love suffering #i hate ppl bc they all contribute to abuse and rape and everything bad happening all the time. they do not care. no sympathy or compassion #nothing abt this world or humanity is good or kind. it is all cruel harmful venom.

[transmascissues]

it's silly but the biggest reason why im not into t yet is bc im so afraid of losing my hair. do you have any solutions/tips for it?

first of all, i don’t think it’s silly — it’s natural to be worried when hair loss is talked about by so many people as like…one of the worst results of aging for men. listening to my dad talk about how much he hates balding definitely did not make me feel particularly good about the knowledge that i may very well be joining him someday. i’m not saying the fear is right, because i don’t think hair loss is something awful that we should avoid at all costs, but it’s an understandable fear given the beauty standards we’re working with, and it’s one that a lot of us (myself included) feel.

one thing that’s helped me is just…paying more attention to the guys that i interact with on a daily basis. i’ve learned two things from it: 1) hair loss is super fucking common. i’d say it’s much harder to find an adult man who isn’t balding at all than it is to find one who’s completely bald. and 2) if you forget everything you’ve been told about how bad hair loss is, you’ll realize that quite frankly, every single one of those guys looks totally fucking fine. it doesn’t ruin their appearance and make them ugly, it looks totally natural and isn’t really even something you’d notice if you weren’t looking for it. we put so much weight on it but it’s really just not that big of a deal. i’ll hear my parents talk shit about men in my family who are losing their hair when i didn’t even notice a difference last time i saw them. it’s one of those things (like so many other appearance-related things) that you really only notice at all because you’ve been taught that you’re supposed to care about it.

this isn’t something i’ve done personally, but if you really want to desensitize yourself to the idea of it, embrace the time-honored queer tradition of just shaving your whole damn head! find out what you’d look like without hair, find out how you feel about it and what you can do that makes you feel good about your appearance without hair, test the waters while it’s still a temporary change and not something permanent. that way, it won’t feel like this big scary unknown, and you’ll actually have a frame of reference for your feelings about how you look without hair rather than accepting the societal assumption that you’ll inevitably hate it. if you don’t want to actually shave your head, you could also just fuck around with bald filters or photoshop and see what happens.

oh, and if you’re attracted to men, keep an eye out for guys who are bald or balding and also hot as fuck. in my experience, there’s no insecurity or potential future insecurity that being gay for other men hasn’t helped me with. just off the top of my head, i can think of a couple actors who i think are absolutely fucking gorgeous who have helped me get over my fears about losing my hair. despite what our anti-aging-obsessed world might want you to think, there is no such thing as a physical feature that automatically makes someone less attractive, and while making attractiveness less of a priority in your life is good, it can’t hurt to also give yourself some proof that actually, you might lose your hair and look hot as hell doing it.

basically, entertain the possibility that it won’t be a bad thing at all! whether that’s just because it turns out to be a neutral thing for you or because you end up actually liking it, it’s not an inherently bad thing. i’ve ended up liking a lot of things that were “supposed to” be bad effects of t — i love the weight i’ve gained and the new shape it gives my body, i get a lot of gender euphoria from the fact that my acne is now on parts of my face that i saw a lot of guys in high school get it and i’m not complaining about the scars i get from it either because i’ve always liked the added texture that acne scars give my skin, and so on. i think there’s a lot of joy to be had in the changes we’re taught to fear, once we look past that conditioning and actually explore how we feel about it.

but if it’s something you really don’t want and you just want to improve your chances of not having to deal with it, it’s not like there’s nothing you can do! products like finasteride (oral) and minoxidil (usually topical but i think there might also be oral versions) are pretty commonly used among trans guys, for the purpose of avoiding hair loss and for other reasons, and there are plenty of other anti-hair loss products out there (though i don’t know how effective any one of them might be). if it’s a big enough deal for you, you can just decide that you’ll go off of t if/when you start noticing signs of it, since no longer having higher t levels would stop the process in its tracks. and if you don’t find prevention options that work for you so it ends up happening, you can always explore different hair styles (judging by the pattern of hair loss i see in my family, i suspect that keeping my hair long would make it less obvious if i started losing mine), find your preferred method of covering it when you don’t feel good about it (personally i love a good beanie generally and would probably wear them a lot more if i didn’t have hair to worry about because my main complaint is the way they press my hair onto my neck), or just shave it all off if you don’t like the look of the partial balding but don’t mind a shaved head. the point being — you have options!

at the end of the day, whether you go on t or not, you’re going to see your body change as you age in ways that aren’t always going to be attractive to others or aesthetically pleasing to you. that’s just the reality of having a body. even if you never went on t, you’d get older and you might see your hair thin out even if you don’t bald, you’ll see your skin start to wrinkle and sag in places that used to be smooth, your metabolism might slow or your body fat might start to gather in new places; hell, you might lose your hair for a totally different reason and end up in the same place but without the benefits of having been on t that whole time. life is full of bodily changes like that. transphobes will fearmonger about the permanent changes of testosterone all day long but the truth is, there is no escaping permanent bodily changes. whether or not you go on t, your body now isn’t the same as it will be in 1 or 5 or 10 or 20 or 50 years, just like it isn’t the same as it was at any point in your life before now. our bodies are never supposed to stop growing and aging and changing throughout our lives. there’s no guaranteeing that we’ll love every single change our bodies go through, but that’s okay! there are so many things in life that are more important than the way our bodies look. even if you go on t and lose your hair and don’t like how it looks, your life won’t be ruined; plenty of other things will bring you joy and more than make up for the insecurities.

just think about the gender euphoria and relief from dysphoria that t could give you. would losing your hair be bad enough to outweigh all of that? or is it just the pressure of a society that decided balding is bad that’s making you fear one single change despite how much joy you could have if you let that fear go? only you can decide if going on t is worth the potential downsides for you, but i suspect that for most of us, the benefits of going on t far outweigh the possibility of side effects like hair loss happening down the line.

#when i say i love helping people beat their fears about t this is what i mean. i will simply write a whole essay about it #some people might think it’s silly to answer a question like this so extensively #but i don’t think it is! i feel like this is a really common fear but also one i don’t see talked about much #maybe because it’s so common among cis guys that people don’t see it as a question to ask in trans spaces? idk #but i think we should talk about it more. especially when transphobes use it as a way to talk shit about t #ask answered #testosterone #hrt #ftm hrt #hair loss #trans men #transmascs

[dorayakichan]

you’re one of the first wb writers that write for the girls & im so glad 😭 they deserve sm 🫶 may I req dating hcs w kaneshiro, shelly & noah? thank you!

Windbreaker characters: Dating headcanon

Pairing: Kaneshiro, Shelly and Noah x gn!reader

Fluff

Kaneshiro

First of you should go and start thanking the Heavens up above for giving you the possibility to date such a goddess. Like have you seen that girl? She is a hell of a fine woman, too fine like I want to be the ground she steps on, kind of fine. (excuse my inability to control my inner simp from showing. I can’t bear keeping my love for her to myself. Let us continue then….)

Kaneshiro might appear as cold and unapproachable to most, but that is not the case for you, her lover. She is always soft, maybe even way too soft with you. No matter what you do, say, or act she is always going to give in to you. Maybe because she finds you cute. But I mean that was the whole reason this woman even decided to give you the time of day in the first place because you are cute. So that is to be expected. 

She is gentle and mature but extremely harsh, having been through so many hardships all of those years it is obvious it has made her that way. Although she is extremely kind only to you when needed, there are moments when she will bluntly tell you if what you are doing, thinking, or saying is in her opinion wrong. But that is also what you like about her. Her bluntness. Her way of speaking the truth when it needs to be said.

Despite her calm exterior, you can notice how her pupils expand a little when her eyes fall on your smiling face or how her fingers linger a little longer on your face after sharing a kiss. 

You can see a shift in her energy everytime you both go on dates, the excitement that only you can notice. How she adores it the most when you take her to a theme park, although there are no words spoken you notice everything, the rides she likes, the ones she doesn’t, when she wants to eat, and when she doesn’t. 

These gestures of yours are never left unnoticed by her. She appreciates and loves it so much and that is also why she never mentions it, hoping you don’t understand that she has already caught you and that you won’t stop acting that way. 

When it comes to your intimate moments well this woman is the leader inside and outside the bedroom and well you are fine with that. The way she kisses and holds you is so sweet and warm that you can notice how much she cares and wants you by her side. 

There are times when her hugs are stronger and more profound than usual, that’s because she feels afraid, afraid to lose another important person in her life. If only you could reassure her that you will never leave her side and nothing bad will happen to you. So instead you kiss her and tell her that it will be fine. Hoping that fate is on the same page as you.

Shelly

Well if you are dating Shelly good luck surviving through Owen's constant interruptions of every date or time alone you have together, her father’s constant death threats, and her grandfather’s glaring stares every time you cross paths. 

Yes, you will be having a hard time dating this woman. But let’s accept it she had a hard time chasing you too. It was her persistence and care that made you fall so hard for her. Now it’s time for you to work hard and get her family to accept your relationship. 

Shelly can comfort and help you like no other. She listens, understands, and knows just the right words to say so she can help you go through even the darkest of times. She is always there, reaching her hand out to you while smiling brightly, making you able to see that there is more to this world than just hardships and sadness. Her love and care for you is unconditional. 

That doesn’t mean that she is strong and doesn’t need someone to be there for her too. So as much as she cares and gives to you, you should try your best to give back to her. 

Shelly is the jealous type. And she will admit it, maybe not in an overbearing kind of way but in more of a calm one in the beginning. She will act in ways to make you see that she is jealous and if you don’t notice she will ask you about the other person and what you think of them. 

She knows you love her and care for her but she will have her moments of insecurity where she will feel like you don’t care anymore about her and in those moments you will need to reassure her that you only love her and that she is the only one for you.

Shelly will be the one suggesting to go on dates and even deciding where and when. As she knows your food preferences, sometimes she will try to adjust to that so you can also enjoy your favorite kind of food. Because she loves you so much, if you ask her to try it even if she hates it she will try it for you.

One thing you need to know is that she is extremely affectionate and her love language is touch, so don’t be surprised when she holds your hand out of nowhere or when she grabs onto your arm putting her head on your shoulder while telling you how much she wants to go somewhere only with you where you both can enjoy some time together in each-others presence away from everything.

Shelly although she doesn’t seem like it, she is shy about kissing you, but that changes only if you are shyer than her. Then she knows she has to take the lead so she leans to kiss you first whenever the chance arises. 

If you are the one to kiss her first, that will make this girl's whole day. You initiating any kind of intimate contact will make her brain and heart explode from happiness, surprise, and excitement. Yep, she is starved for your love as she is always the one to show it first so you better do justice to our girl Shelly and shower her with your love and affection.

Noah

Dating Noah feels like dating a kid with tantrums and an extremely colorful vocabulary. Let’s accept it though you find it funny and are always trying to keep your laugh when she is in that kind of mood. You know that it’s all an act to keep her true kind hearted self from showing. 

She doesn’t want to seem weak even in a relationship with you so although less than with other people she still acts tough. Yet you wish she wouldn’t try so hard to hide her true self from you. You came to terms with the fact that that’s how she feels the most comfortable so you just accept it now. There are times when you also purposely tease her, just to see her throwing those cute tantrums of hers. 

By the way, you are the only one who thinks her angry temper is cute no one else does, and once when you mentioned this to Harry and Owen they looked at you as if you had gone mad. Yep, no one gets it. Because you are the one dating her, and that means that even if very slightly she won’t be as mean and angry at you as she is to other people.

You are also the only person who can stop her from throwing tantrums and that is whenever you kiss her, hug her, say something sweet and unexpected to her, or cook food for her. Then when you do one of these things she will not only quiet down but she will be more affectionate towards you. That’s right you are the only one who knows how to handle Noah and the only one allowed to act with her like that.

Deep down Noah has a fragile heart and you know that more than anyone else as you have seen her break down once after you both fought and you suggested breaking up. After that day you have been more careful with your words, and you’re kinder and even calmer because now you know.

Noah loves it when you take her on dates, especially dates that involve food. Despite the fact that she doesn’t say it, she loves how sometimes you share your food with her, how you go and buy a bunch of all the things she likes, and how you even feed her when she is too immersed in her phone. 

She, like Shelly, is also extremely shy about kissing and intimate moments. A great opportunity for you to tease her to your heart's content, which you never miss. Seeing her blushy state and then getting a cute glare from her makes you want to kiss her even more and well we know how it all ends up after that…..

#windbreaker webtoon #windbreaker x reader #windbreaker characters #windbreaker headcanon #windbreaker shelly #windbreaker noah #windbreaker kaneshiro #dakeda kaneshiro #light cavalry #windbreaker girls #windbreaker fluff

[alostlittleriverlotus]

im angry. I'm purely angry. My mom is finally listening about doctor stuff and why I hate doctors so much and instantly she turns my goal of my health into being able to sleep at a "normal" time (waking up in the morning and being awake through the day) and being able to go for walks, be active, and go outside. And I fucking hate it.

★(small sa mention, one line of it. suicidal thoughts and self harm mentions.)★

I don't care if I can never walk normally again. If I will always need mobility aids or only be able to walk/stand for short periods. Yes, I enjoy a ton of exercise and dancing with my whole body and having an active life, but if I never can again, I have accepted that.

I don't care about going outside. That is agoraphobia, fear of people, and extreme paranoia and delusions wrapped into one. I feel constantly watched, unable to be outside of the car or the house without extreme anxiety, fear, and having to talk myself through it when I had to go collect the main. I am okay with not being able to go outside. I still would love to go and sit out back, but my parents bought chairs that I can't sit in which is why I haven't sat out back since we were at our last place and first moved in, a fucking year ago. There's physical issues to it too, but it is mostly mental stuff that I'm fine living with.

I don't care about a "normal" sleep schedule. As long as I can get 6-10 hours of sleep a night, I'm fine and functional. I have pain, I have untreated ADHD, I have bad mental problems, I have delusions, I have flashbacks, I have breakdowns, I have paranoia, I was fucking assaulted in my sleep, I may have sleep apnea. We can fix as much as we possibly can, but I am entirely fine if my sleep schedule will never be routine. Oh yeah, plus my period messes up my sleep schedule too.

I don't care about being the most perfectly healthy active person. I don't care if I'm unable to do things that I could before. If I'm fat the rest of my life, that's fucking fine with me. I refuse to go back to obsessively needing to control my health because of a mix of ocd and ocpd and npd that results in an obsessive need to be perfectly healthy at all times. I am not going back to that cycle. My mental health is too fragile and so long as the mental health system and psychiatry system is broken in America, I do not give a fucking shit. I cope well, I am happy where I am, I am content. All I want is the constant pain to end, to be able to have relief and supports. I got ankle supports and cried over how long I have fucking suffered with joints that feel like 3D Mario game ice physics. I cried about how much I was actually at a disadvantage without knowing it while pushing myself to be "normal" and as good as others because I believed I was just not pushing through it like everyone else.

I do not care about living a happy "normal" life. Even if all of my physical issues could magically be fixed (they can't, I'm fairly certain I will always have these issues), I have severe mental problems that will never fucking change. From who I am and how my autism is to the severe trauma and personality disorders I have. AND THE FACT MY MENTAL ISSUES CAUSE ME PHYSICAL PAIN, FATIGUE, AND MINOR SICKNESS INCLUDING PHANTOM FEVERS!!!!!

But I accept that my pain may be something I live with. All I want is to receive actual help for it instead of constantly worsening it by having 0 support. A shower seat, movable shower head, mobility aids, actual fucking accommodations. My goal is to never be perfect abled and neurotypical or to function as such. My goal is never to be as perfectly healthy as I can be. Because with who I am, that will just worsen me to try to achieve that. And that's fucking okay. I am allowed to be unhealthy.

As long as I am not suffering every second of the day and considering death to be better yet unable to go through with it because I don't want to die while my parents are a part of my life then I am fine. I am happy. Even in bad pain days, the feeling of caring for myself and having things to rely on to relieve the pain makes me feel good about myself. I have lived without those for so long. This is all I desire. To relieve as much of the pain as I can so I can feel alive.

But I am aware I may be fat the rest of my life. I could also lose weight, I've fluctuated weight most of my life. I am fine having mobility issues and requiring help for those for the rest of my life. I do not care to be perfectly abled, I just don't want to suffer every single day with 0 help or accommodations while being blamed for it all as if it's a fucking moral failing and to be able to actually understand what the fuck is going on with my body. I'm fine if I'm unhealthy the rest of my life. I just don't want to have to cry over how sick I feel or how bad the pain is and consider death a better option because I have no help and have felt like I'm losing a race my entire life because no one else seemed to be suffering. That's all I fucking want.

I'm sick of my parents' dumbass health shit. I'm sick of them being fatphobic while they're extremely healthy and I'm fat and neglected and struggled so much more than they have because they will do anything for their own health, but won't do shit for me when they're the ones that I have to rely on. I'm sick of my mother pushing these "normal" goals because she wants me to be functional. Fuck. That. Bullshit.

I want help for my pain. I want to be diagnosed and get the help I can. I want accommodations and supports and mobility aids so I can experience as little pain as possible. It's so bad nearly every day. And wearing those ankle supports only made it all the more real that Yes, I Am Fucking Suffering!!! And yes, I need help. And I'm tired of being hyper independent and being neglected and being ignored while I see my parents handle every tiny thing wrong with their bodies when I've lived with this shit my entire life. It hurts. It hurts so much. And I hate that even with them FINALLY trying to find me doctors and get help, they still push fatphobia and healthy bullshit onto me. As if I need to be the optimal health. I don't know if it's possible and I'm not sinking back into the obsessive tendencies I've had since I was young. I was miserable and hated myself, blamed myself for everything. I will NOT go back to that.

#angry rant #tw self harm #tw self harm mention #tw suicide mention #actually autistic #neglected #traumatized #fat #disabled #disability #healthism #fatphobia #fatphobic #abusive mother #neglectful mother #actually narcissistic #actually disabled #actually traumatized #chronic pain #chronic fatigue #chronic illness #chronically ill #fibro #fibromyalgia #mental disability #physical disability #invisible disability #spoonie #foggy #brain fog

[aeide-thea]

very much an off-the-cuff post so there may well be bugs, i'm still workshopping my thinking here, but—

i seem to see posts fairly regularly in which a member of some marginalized group A is objecting to attempts by less marginalized group B to make connections between discrimination against A and harm experienced by B (the main thing i have in mind here is when people attempt to align themselves with visibly-trans people by pointing out the ways that transphobic legislation also impacts gnc cis people, theatrical crossdressing, &c, but there are definitely also examples along other axes)—

and like. the main objection i've seen from A is 'why do they have to connect my experience to their experience in order to care about it? why can't they just agree that i shouldn't be discriminated against as a matter of, like, compassion for fellow humanity?'

and this reaction does honestly always just seem a little, idk, naive to me?? like, i don't know, it's gotten very popular ime to complain about normies' clumsy attempts to Understand Instead of Just Accepting [this feels potentially linked to like. the way many of us now prefer silently clicking 'like' to producing our own original, maybe clumsy, responses? but don't @ me on that point], probably because a lot of the time they aren't genuinely seeking to Understand but just to point out all the ways our queerness &c doesn't fit their received (unexaminedly conservative) understanding of the world, which feels to us (very reasonably!) like renewed pressure from the establishment to make ourselves fit that established framework, and so we resist… but at the same time, idk, maybe i'm just outing myself as lesser-than-thou here, but for every sort of person i was raised to distrust and have since arrived at genuine loving acceptance/appreciation of, it's involved first coming to understand their frame of reference at least a little? not to say that there isn't a place for shutting up and listening while you're still working to understand, because there definitely is! but i do kind of think this idea that's become popular in certain liberal circles of like, 'you don't have to understand my experience, you just have to respect it,' is fine and true for keeping peace with strangers, but really isn't a recipe for winning friends or influencing people—it's a recipe for keeping people at arm's length where they can't hit you. and then people turn around and want to apply that rule to coalition-building, and get all shocked-pikachu-face when others seek to identify more active points of connection.

...

another ~Radical Objection to Liberal Approaches~ i've seen, though often not specifically in this context (of discussing the way attempts to oppress A have knock-on effects for B), is like—'there's no point in deconstructing their logic because it's fundamentally illogical! insert that sartre quote abt anti-semites!' and like. no, there's absolutely no point in debating their logic with them. but fundamentally when people assert a logical resistance to bigoted positions they are not doing it to Own The Bigots, imo, or at any rate shouldn't be; they're (we're) doing it to reaffirm the basis of their/our own camp's position, namely, we see your knee-jerk fears and reject them; we substitute instead a patient allegiance to logic, that reasons its way into compassion.

that said, obviously there's a conversation to be had here about, like, platforming bad positions, and to what extent deconstructing them is implicitly platforming them! but. i do think that complaining that logic won't win over bigots is missing the very fundamental point that the logic isn't for the bigots: it's for us. we're talking to ourselves; we're affirming ourselves. and yeah, we need to understand that this sort of intra-party discussion doesn't, on its own, constitute sufficient activism! messages need to be communicated beyond the bounds of the party! but i do think i disagree that there's no place for it.

#anyway i'm just sticking this all under a cut bc it got very long and i didn't arrive at a nice tidy overarching conclusion #but i guess i just think like. i'm not convinced that resisting people's attempts to understand a struggle as linked with theirs #is ever going to be a strategy that makes any sense— #i just think it's coming from a place of woundedness that wants its pain to be Seen and Matter In Itself #and not get ignored until someone else is also impacted #and like. that's SO emotionally valid! god! but also like. that's feelings and not a basis for politics??? #and the second point here— #which honestly could've been its own post; i was just thinking abt the two points together bc i saw a post that made them together— #really feels to me like. showing up at an internal org meeting and then complaining that it doesn't constitute effective public messaging #like yeah‚ people pass posts around on here that aren't gonna convince conservatives #but like. (a) how much convincing of conservatives do you really think is gonna happen on tumblr anyway? #and also (b) then make your own posts that *are* angled at convincing conservatives! or‚ you know‚ do something that isn't posting! #(in b4 'some of us have disabilities' yeah‚ me too! i emailed my representatives the other day! there's stuff you can do!) #but like. everybody just wants to critique other people's efforts (and obviously as per this very post i'm not immune!) #when it's like. most of what we're doing *isn't* activism—what it could be is the tentative social basis for a real coalition #on which activism could then be founded #but most of us would rather suspiciously snipingly in-fight than let these tentative social filaments thicken into binding ties! #anyway. a great example of a post by someone with adhd that will probably be prohibitively difficult for other ppl with adhd to read!

[noisytenant]

rambling personal/introspection i guess, positive-ish

while im not doing "well" in general ive been starting to feel a sense of peace and unburdening with some things.

i think that given the pain of living in certain conditions, it can feel unbearable to imagine going another day with things as they are. i spent so much of my life "waiting it out" that i felt like it would be a crime against myself to not respect my feelings and emotional needs as they came.

but when you set yourself on addressing these things, sometimes you get buried in a cacophony of calls to action, an endless stream of internal requests that often contradict each other. i thought that perhaps i could chart an efficient course to meeting the most needs with the least actions, but strategizing takes time away from action too.

so i'm trying to loosen up and not set a strict dogma for how and when things happen, so long as they comply with external needs (eg there is a ticking clock on how long i can go without income before major and bad life changes activate; i need to eat and sleep a certain amount every day). i'm trying not to be too hard on myself for not living up to expectations and to accept certain patterns of behavior, to be more curious and to not immediately problematize them.

for example i'm watching wordgirl a lot and it's somewhat avoidant, but it's also something that lubricates the meeting of other needs and makes me happy, so it's not a "bad" or even fully "maladaptive" strategy. just a complicated one.

in the time shortly before my breakup, something i feel like i have still only fractionally processed (and that's okay according to my hip new state of mind), i felt like there would be disastrous consequences for less-than-ideal behavior. knowing the relationship and my mental health were both on the ropes, i wanted really badly to do things the best way i knew how. but i think it kind of would have been okay if i did it any other way too. it would have sucked but been fine if we screamed at each other, it would have sucked but been fine if we stayed together, i think anything would have been okay because you have no choice but to live with your actions and keep acting forever

something i struggle a lot with is in committing to decisions vs. being flexible. big questions in the fight for agency. i can't prescribe a heuristic for deciding whether you stick to a principle or change your mind, but in the moment i'm basically going back to the strategy of, "i'm going to do things however i'm doing them until something gives way and makes me need to change paths". and i think that's a freeing sentiment, one i'm able to access because i'm no longer in a relationship--i don't need to worry for two. i hope in my future relationships, platonic and romantic, i can maintain a greater sense of security that is resilient to these shifting tides.

a big thing also is that i'm temporarily electing not to dig into introspection, something i've seen suggested but hadn't really understood and kind of resented. in practice i'm using it to mean, "the most dire parts of my inner world will communicate with me if they are relevant. given my immediate needs, it might be better to wait until i have more breathing room before consciously exploring things." so i'm trying not to worry about, for example, being a person who forgets parts of its own life and experience because those parts will come back to me in due time.

ultimately i'm trying to give in to spontaneity. a feeling is only intolerable if i cannot tolerate it; if i'm finding that i'm avoiding or dreading something, it might really be intolerable, but i am constantly reminded how easy it is to actually survive and persist throughout the pain (this is only my personal experience)

it's hard and hurts to know you're carrying these burdens that ache for release and you're unable to address them completely. i hope to be able to give myself the care i deserve sooner rather than later. but maintaining stability and progress is a kind of care too!

and that's the nature of living, isn't it? ultimately, i want to be honest with myself and others. it's evidently the case that i can't solve every problem of mine overnight just because it would be nice if i could. i think all of me (or most of me, let me not speak for everyone) can appreciate an honest "no i can't solve your ass indefinitely" over "sure honey just a minute [doesn't do anything]". so for the moment i'm happy to be here and hoping i will be in better circumstances soon.

#unrelatedly got the vivid sensory image of the smell of a Disney water ride #Was thinking specifically about waiting in line at pirates of the caribbean but okay #indexed post #long post / #Sorry im like half asleep at this point just have some last minute body stuff #to take careof

[artemisbarnowl]

Even if you, personally, have never had the term queer directly levelled at you in a harmful manner, if you are part of the LGBT+ community, it is inherently part of both your history and a present risk at any given moment. I live in the UK. Until I visited Dublin, Ireland, I'd never had someone call me queer in a negative light. But even so, at any given moment, someone could.

Tell that to black people, I dare you. Not least; yes. It is. Inherently. If you don't like the word that's your choice. Nobody can force you to accept it and nobody should force you to identify by the term. But trying to take it away from other people makes you no better than those using it as a slur.

You don't understand why its important to some people as their identity. That's fine. You don't get to tell them they're wrong, though.

If you could just point out the part where im taking it away from other people or that other people are wrong that would be great.

-----------------

In a post where i am talking about my personal feelings on something that pertains to me you've given me these counterpoints(?)

1. Someone could at any time call me queer.

Yes, I know. Increasingly it happens by woke leftist people who want to reclaim it and wont stop when I ask them not to call me that. Which really doesnt align with all that respecting identity philosophies yall are so keen on.

2. The idea of telling black people they shouldn't call themselves the n word is Very Bad. (For reasons you havent explained.)

I'm not. Im complaining about being called queer against my will. But, this is also a discussion the black community have. The idea that all black people refer to themselves, or other black people, by a slur is stupid and not true. So it the idea that they all IDENTIFY with the term. Where is the campaign to call it N***** History Month???

3. To be fair this is my fault for phrasing my second point as a y/n question but HOW is slur reclamation powerful? "It inherently is" doesnt explain anything. Whats inherent? Wheres the power? People not being annoyed or frightened to hear 'queer' leveled at them because they identify with it is not a power. How does calling yourself queer actually improve your standing in society? Are laws changed to be more equitable for you? Does this only work with queer or does calling myself a lezzo, or gaybo, a fucked up slut, or whatever else people call me without asking or caring if I also identify with those terms also give me power?

People are attempting to force me to identify with Queer every time they use it as an umbrella term. I am bisexual. I might experience attraction to someone of my own or different sex. Im not queer, im not part of the queer community. I dont know what it means to be queer. In my post i am complaining about other people calling me shit that i dont like. I am lamenting other slurs I used to be called and find it sorta funny that slurs have a trend cycle. Its true i dont understand why people want to use it as an identity. Making a post that says "heres what i dont get" isnt telling people their wrong. My second point is a question. This shows where i dont have the info others might.

Yesterday i was just complaining because i heard the world gaybo for the first time in 15 years and this highlighted to me that i see no difference betwern slurs. Today im gonna actually discuss things until i get bored.

[sparrowsonata]

can i system post hi im an empires season 1 jimmy introject and i miss my husband dearly so i want to write about him because he was perfect in every way to me this might come off a bit venty so tw for that? my scott was so so so perfect to me and i need every single person to know that because there’s not a single person better than he was  he would always make sure that i was okay even when i was doing perfectly fine because he knew that people get to me easily and that i’m overall just really fragile (haha fragile broken egg thats me!)  he always made sure that my diet restrictions were taken care of in rivendell since cod don’t eat the same as elves so it was hard to find food i could eat there but when we started courting he made sure i could come over and be comfortable whenever the water was always frozen over when i visited for long periods of time so he would go out of his way to take me to any unfrozen lakes or ponds or even rivers in completely different biomes because he knew that i get antsy when i havent swam in a while he was so outrageously protective of me and i remember the absolutely deadly glares he’d give people who were rude to me (even though he loved to tease me; he was the only one allowed to make fun of me and that’s absolutely fine with me) i loved his beautiful cyan hair and the way he looked when the sun set, the way the golden rings around his beautifully blue eyes would actually glisten in the sunlight and the way his smile would make me feel so warm and happy inside, happiness i’d never felt before his body was so so perfect and i know how insecure he would get about silly things like the squish on his tummy and thighs and the way his chin and neck would fold in ways he didnt think were attractive, i remember sitting up late with him one night as he told me all of his insecurities and i remember thinking that those were the things that made me love him. the squish of his tummy was perfect for me to lay my head on, the squish on his thighs was so beautiful, his folds and his stretch marks and his scars and the patches of dry skin and the acne and his slightly imperfect teeth; those are what i love so so much about him. he never thought he was beautiful but i think he was ethereal. the way he’d never let me say anything bad about myself, the way he’d reassure me when i was insecure about my own body or how annoying i came off as, he would pepper me with kisses and hold me for however long as i needed and kiss the tracks my tears left and wipe them away with his thumbs as he held my face in his beautifully soft hands and he’d whisper everything he loved about me in our dark bedroom with the moonlight pouring in through the window and i remember how perfect the light framed his gorgeous face i miss my husband and i don’t think i’m ever going to get him back and im finding it really really hard to accept that.

#system #systemposting #jimmy solidarity #smajor #scott smajor #solidaritygaming #flower husbands #introject #solidaritygaming introject #codfather #empires #empires s1 #empires introject #i miss my husband #im sad

[rin-and-jade]

Heya. Just wanted to see if you have any advice for a polyfragmented system really struggling with feeling fake bc of splitting a lot of alters at once? Pur host is so super distressed because he feels Like we are subconsciously faking DID or twisting symptoms of another health issue to fit being a system.

Some encouragement or advice would be greatly appreciated.

--wildwood and co

Well, im going to say that everyone don’t have the same tolerance in handling stress (usually the cause of splits and whatnot) and that makes perfect sense because everyone has their own little spectrum, which includes you. Be it a person who is at the lowest spectrum possible, the middle, or the highest,, people who have yet tried to accept the way it is tend to say things like “it’s not bad enough” or “it feels bad enough that it looks fake because I don’t think it works that way” with no end.

Trying to justify by saying it’s fake, it’s not bad, it’s something else,, might make you end up a bit worser than where you had started because this feeling you have in your gut that just doesn’t sit right with all of those doubts and people’s experiences is still in there scuffing you in and out. Convincing ourselves that we’re faking an illness also doesn’t make the illness go away because if we really ARE faking it would’ve just went away.. as we wished. And that’s what is keeping us in a spiral.

Now i know this doesn’t feel like a positive encouragement but nevertheless im trying to say what’s the truth in the best way, minimum sugar coating, straight to the point and got some good answers. Some people don’t like it covered in glitter especially me, but people do like advices unlike something that’s taken out of google, so im writing three steps for you here;

Acceptance: first off, most important, try to stop denying it (thinking its fake) and see what happens. It feels bad for a moment, but it makes you a bit free doesn’t it? Let me tell you mine: i kept convincing myself i am all fine, all good, im a good person im not bad,, those things and the next second it contradicts itself every 5 fucking seconds. Because everyone isn’t immune to problems, neither about not percieved as a bitch in someone’s eyes because there’s always those people who hates peaches even if you taste the best. And when i started telling myself i have some bad parts it feels like seeing in a new perspective of the situation.

2. Grey thinking: acceptance is the first step to eliminating most of the problems we have be it denial and whatnot. But if you still think in extremities that will push you down the hole hard, we need to comprehend the middle area, again using my anecdote before where i scale myself either “bad” and “good”,, that seem so hard to comprehend and categorize the real perspective so by having the middle, as “i am good because i care about people and im also bad because i tend to be selfish” really puts me on a sweet spot where i don’t get distressed and tunnel vision. Now we are closer to being healthier in thinking.

3. Profit!: once we got the self acceptance and grey thinking down, we got ourselves an easy way to prevent another relapse of thoughts (the “oh god am i faking?!”). This is where people can have a better time using their mental capacity for healing the damaging mindset or learning how to cope better (splitting less) and i call that a win. Last advice is that we should never give this monster the food it wants (your negative thoughts to spiral down) so sometimes we can just ignore it, what gives,, im a bad person? Probably in a temporary moment all good. And it’ll actually go away by itself, with every thoughts easier to handle.

With a decent amount of practice, this shall no longer be a problem, so go get ‘em tiger.

- j

#did #actually did #did community #did system #did osdd #dissociative identity disorder #plural #system stuff #sysblr #janswersask

[flovverworks]

hold on im rereading (skimming thro) owens affection story and the way cain first went 'whats up do u wanna grab a meal?' and then akira (who has been watching) approaches owen like 'hello how have u been do u want to eat together..' LOOOOOLLL

also i know this gets brought up early pt2 alrdy when akira speaks to vincent, but akira calling all of the wizards by name (and heathcliff heath etc) but using miss for canary. lord. also the way akira starts thinking everyones handsome nonstop and brings in a billion 'this person is so pretty' adjectives in every other sentence LIKE U RLY DONT HAVE TOOOOOO <-person who thinks its hilarious. i sometimes go 'please understand' when i have akira think someones handsome Once. i need to upgrade it to ten times

Akira: I’m taking notes on everyone here in case I suddenly have to return to my world. That includes you too, Owen.... Could you tell me more about yourself? Owen: I was killed by you. Akira: Eh...!? Owen’s delicate lips twist at my exclamation. Owen: What would you do if that was the case? What if your memories from your other world were all false? What if you were a criminal in this world? Alternatively, what if your lover was someone you happened to hate? What if I was your lover?

completely normal conversation. but also owen who only seems pleased if akiras annoyed when owen says he hates them,,

Owen: What are you trying to accomplish? Owen’s irritation catches on to me, and I begin to feel irritated and sad. Akira: Then fine. I don’t care anymore. If you’re not going to talk about yourself, I’ll never understand you. And next time Mithra is about to find out about your injury, I won’t know what to do, so. I’ll leave you alone. Bye.

THIS IS THE PART IM OBSESSED WITHHHHHHHH GUY WHOS BEEN TRYING NONSTOP TO BEFRIEND SOMEONE LETS THE BAD MOOD AFFECT THEM the second part wording is ssooooo bad too LOLLLL theyre so annoyed i love it sm. but also this being the time when owen accepts talking to them,,,despite also being rly annoyed,,

but also akira like Just having owen agree to their request, immediately saying 'ya i thought ur room would be strange' and trying his bed is so funny. 'i finally realize why i cant bring myself to hate owen' oughhh but also both akira & owen sitting there confused while owens trying to talk abuot himself LOL i like them so much. i think theyre rly neat

reading mithras too, and the way oz is like 'why would i do that' but then akira asks and hes like '...i guess since the sage is asking..' LOOOL

Akira: Ah... Mithra, it looks like you have a visitor. Mithra: You get the door. You’re capable of that much, right? Akira: (He’s just non-stop snark right now....) Ye~s, who is it?

this fkng interaction skull emoji (laughed) 'mithra u should say thank u too' like a mother....

anyway the way mithra talks about tiretta,,,,,,'only just said goodbye to her 10 or so years ago' T_^ (also thinks its funny/endearing how he says the twins said she was like his mother while mithra says she was more of a master/comrade/little sister<-especially the last one makes me laugh. i lov tiretta

My lips curve upwards, and I can’t help but stroke Mithra’s hair. Mithra doesn’t resist. Akira: I can sort of understand why people want to pat you on the head, Mithra. Mithra: Okay..... Is that so. Akira: It’s like when you’re next to a wild beast that you usually don’t see around. It makes you want to touch him while you can..... Mithra: You’re treating me like a rare animal...... Mithra rolls onto his other side. In the next moment, Mithra leaps up, pins me down, and bites my shoulder. Akira: Gya....ah! Mithra: Ahaha. I scream, and Mithra laughs. Apparently he only pretended to bite me. But I had prepared myself for death, so my heart won’t stop pounding. Akira: (What the heck goes on in his mind..... Was he playing around with me because I called him a beast? I thought I was going to die.....)

THIS PAAAARRTTTTTTT IM ALSO OBSEESED WITH 'i had prepared myself for death' JKADBKAD I THINK ABOUT THIS ALL THE TIME. guy who doesnt act like both owen & mithra could easily kill them

also what da hell was the next part about. when akira can wish that mithra wouldnt do things thatd make ppl misunderstand & dislike him. also oz giving tips to akira on how to make mithra sleep but its just ways to make kids sleep,,,,,the dad,,,

#stardust speaking ! #i need to reread more of these. cuz i rmbrd arthurs and his 'yes sometimes i edit books because theyre wrong about oz:]' #and akira sitting there like. person who has heard multiple ppl say oz went for world domination w/ figaro trying to find a way to tell his #son that his gentle sweet dad kind of Did do that actually #LIKE I RMBR READING IT AND BOTH ME AND AKIRA GOING O_O LIKE WHAT A THING TO THROW ON THE READER #also i forgot owen even brings up that 'what if' scenario. theres surely more ive forgotten in these #god akira getting annoyed with owen is truly everything to me 'ok whatever i wont help u next time since i wont know what to do bye' #MY GUUUYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[katieraven]

I have it on pretty good authority that periodically, Amethyst does peep in on Tumblr and Ao3 to check on her besties and make sure they are doing well, and happy and still writing amazing stories.

It's me. I'm authority lmao.

I am fine. And when I came to your blog to check in on you this morning I saw your post about me and it both made me feel very warm, but also very bad. I really did just peace out on all of you without much of an explanation or even a "hey I'm leaving" and that was shitty of me, wasn't it?

It's kind of a long story, but the highlights are that I just didn't want to be on Tumblr or Discord anymore, there are a lot of reasons for that but the reasons aren't as important as the fact that since I've deleted it and decided I'm done with social media - God I've felt so much better. About myself, about my life, about my goals...it's been nice. I do miss you, my heart cloud loving friend, and I miss so many others as well and me leaving had nothing to do with you or them in any way and I hope that nobody thinks it does. I miss talking to you all on a daily basis and it's very tempting to say "screw it, I'm coming back" but I was becoming way too obsessed. Obsessed with writing fanfiction, obsessed with numbers and follower counts. Obsessed and angry over drama that had absolutely nothing to do with me whatsoever...I can't do that again. I wasn't happy unless my phone was in my face and it was too easy to lose that happiness when something I didn't want to see was on my screen. I didn't like me very much.

I miss writing and I am a little sour that I've totally lost some of my stories because I 100% wrote them in Tumblr Drafts so they are gone forever (RIP Batteries, Ships, and Build a BF and lots of others). I miss you. I miss @moni-logues and I miss everyone in our server. I miss lots of others too but I'm not going to tag them all because I don't want to make a scene lmao.

I hope you are well. All of you. I hope you're all happy. Please know that I think of you often. Please know that I care about you all. Please be kind to one another. Please keep writing your awesome stories so I can lurk the shit out of them. I love you all and I never say never, maybe one day when I can learn how to not rely so heavily on acceptance and meaningless numbers for my peace, I will come back and play with you guys!!!

Love,

Amethyst<3

PS - I'm sorry to be on anon but I really just have an empty burner blog and I'm also very much not ready to be back on Tumblr but I could not let your sweet #we love amethyst post go un-responded to. I swear it's me. Penny Bird sends her love, and I baked some amazing treats for Thanksgiving and I wish I could've posted them and thrown them in ya'lls faces because I really outdid myself. Okay. Bye!!! Be good everyone and stay strong until 2025.

OH MY GOD HI???

never in a million years was i expecting this and it made my fucking evening holy shit!!!

thank you so much for checking in. you didnt have to, but i appreciate it so much, truly. i thoroughly understand the social media aversion. really, i get it. a lot. every day on instagram makes me question if i really want to spend my time on instagram because yeesh (but: if u should feel the need to contact me, my insta is @_annkathi - this is just an offer. absolutely no pressure whatsoever and i completely get if u want to stay as far away from anything as possible)

i will absolutely tag u in anything i write in the future. it will look like "@amethystwritesbts who maybe is lurking" so be prepared.

this meant the world to me. it truly did. i hope u know that.

and im so so glad u are okay and thriving and that penny is doing well.

we love u.

#we love amethyst #amethyst yall!! #hi friend #i love u

[secretwritingbullshit]

it's easy to fall into a pattern of what's normal, and what's normal to you. It's even easier to fall into a pattern of what's normal to those who surround you being what is normal to you.

I didn't know I had borderline personality disorder until I was 19 years old. I thought the fact that I didn't envision a future for myself was just the old saying "you don't have to figure out your life yet" type of thing. I didn't realize that wanting nothing wasn't normal. When i thought of my future it's not that I didn't knwo what I wanted yet, it's that I didn't know which of my personalities would stick. I didn't even have all of my personalities yet.

First, I met you. And when you met me, I didn’t smoke. I didn’t drink. I counted calories and watched what I ate. I worked out every single day and I made sure I was healthy and acceptable.

And I did that because I spent all my time with her, and that’s what she did.

Then, I started spending time with you. And I started drinking. And smoking all day every day, like you taught me. And ate shitty food because you ordered out all the time. And rebelled because you questioned me for following the rules. And left home and left what I knew.

And I did that because I spent all my time with you, and that’s what you did.

Then I didn’t have you anymore. And I still smoked weed, and drank, because that’s how we bonded. but I quit eating because I was much bigger than her. I started hooping because she did. I started watching what I said and making sure it was something she would say first

.

And I did that because I couldn’t spend my time with you, because you spent all your time with her.

And then I started spending time with someone who didn’t matter. But still, I did more drugs than weed, and I quit my jobs, i smoked cigarettes all the time, and I acted like white trash because that’s what he knew. And I could only be what he knew.

Then I met my husband. And he had stable work, so I did too. And he drank every day more than anything, and now so did I. And he worked even on his off days and he went to bed early and he hated outings and had few friends. So, I was the same. And I cannot fucking help this pattern that im in.

And really, I’m not fake. I legitimately felt and believed and KNEW what I was doing each time was true and who I wanted to be. Really, I did. And part of me does want to be fit and healthy. and part of me wants not to care. And part of me does want to be a mother fucking hobo. And part of me wants to function in society like I do. And a part of me can see an ocean front condo in laguna, and a prt of me can see a shack in the outer banks, and a part of me can see a normal suburban life two streets down from my parents, and a part of me can see pickleball on my acreage in connecticut, and a part of me can see sleeping in playgrounds. And i didn’t realize I had a personality disorder until I discovered most people don’t only want what’s around them. Like that’s CRAZY to me. I want it because the people around me have it and they know who the FUCK they are and I just want to knoW WHO THE FUCK I AM REALLY.

It makes so sense that people just have their own ideas and creativity and decide they’re going to do something and then really love what they do???? Like they came up with that on their own??? WHAT?!

I’m not worth shit on my own.

I’m only what other people are.

And it didn't really matter because I was mirroring my husband, and he doens't have a bad life. It's fine and it's acceptable and it's average and it's all I need and i LOVE him. But I also feel like the other parts of me... the hobo, and the princess, and the health freak, and the white trash, and the drug addict, and the classy debutante, they're all missing out on their dreams. I don't know how to be all the versions of myself. I don't know how to fill off of teh dreams of the people I became that others made me. I don't know how to be a lifestyle coach and a CEO of an NYC business empire and an acid tripping beach bum and a cast member of MTVs laguna beach and a sweet suburban housewife and an animal rescue owner and lead an average middle class white picket fence life. I don't know how to do all of those things.

[glitchmoney12]

Yes, I am a dumb bitch who needs MY ASS BEAT for the lies and bullshit I caused on drugs. IM 2fucking 5 years old too old to be in this shit. I made such a fat ass mess in one night. I feel like Its going to take a lifetime to come back from. I had no idea what the fuck I was even doing or saying all I know is I’m going to rehab and I’m not coming out until I am healed.

That’s what addiction does to you, lie, cheat, and drown others. I said so many things I was unaware of and would NEVER say if I was conscious because they weren’t true at all. I am so deeply fucking sorry with all my soul I’m sorry.

I had every chance of fixing myself and didn’t so here I am alone as fuck like I deserve. Was I fake as fuck? Yes but that was not me that night otherwise I’d never. I lost both grandparents the night I fucked everything up so I spiraled and yeah.. a rampage is what you could call February 17th. Everything that I woke up to on my phone including what I put on my social media I do not remember. However, There is no excuse for my actions whatsoever I’m not asking for anything. I take full responsibility and accountability for my behavior.

 I’ve said things about people who I love and care about deeply, and I might have just burned that bridge forever. I don’t wanna hurt anyone and no one fucked up my relationships EXCEPT ME. Not you bro, not this other girl my barred out brain was putting it on either. It was more than just one friend …. Apparently I told  more people I wanted to beat their ass over nothing. 

Everyone deserves an explanation. Call me pussy for not texting back asap that’s fine. Time will let me calm down and be completely transparent once I’m clean and accept the fact that I can’t go back and change anything. You bro, you deserve an explanation even if you despise me. As embarrassing as it is I will show my face again and y’all can decline my return for apology.

To those I disappointed and hurt,  i’m locking myself away for a long time and I deserve every bit of coldness from you guys.

 I know you’re wish the worst for me and I am already there you were right.  damn bro I really made people hate me including you. You’re not a savior I can only save myself, and that’s what I’m gonna fucking do save my money, lock myself away and come back the new as fuck.  I can’t believe the shit I’ve done; none of  what I said about anyone during my drug spiral  was true I mean, how could I conjure the words to say that sober. I cant. Especially you bro I’ve had nothing but great times with you and I fucking can’t  comprehend what I said because it’s not fucking true. “It’s 2017 bro bro you so funny!!” Oh my god what a mess… my fucking bro bro..you hate me I know. I have never had anything but love for you.. and you know that, so what I typed out that night WAS MY DRUG INFESTED BRAIN.. and how could I. I never woke up and just wanted bad for my loved ones, but I understand if y’all hate me forever on.  I fucked up immensely, and if you never wanna talk to me again, I understand.

Been standing in my own way.  I’ll be bettering myself in hopes that one day I can be at peace and have a peaceful conversation with you about everything that happened and tell you all about my journey to recovery if you care to even here. I will one day like to invite you back to my new apartment, as a safe place, where my mind and my space is a comfortable sanctuary to bring you in. I  take responsibility for everything and anything.  You don’t even have to see me again if you don’t want to but I’ve known my friends for years now and I just can’t run from saying my peace and tying my lose ends.

I gave you my little diary for a reason. To sneak peak into the demons in my life that I’m finally killing bro. I trust only you with it and still do. Write in it still if you want to and be pissed at me, write me a death threat. Write me anything you want, if you want. I am so much better than all of this. I’m so sorry Jayline. Hot cakes con miel don’t taste so sweet when I don’t even recognize who I am. I have always had love for you and always knew we were only friends. Drugs made me say something different. One day I will come for forgiveness and you decide then.

[breaktheicemp3]

idk it’s sad that patriarchy r whatever affected my mom. but I’m so desensitized and that’s shameful but it’s like. it’s not that she deserves it but on another level she’s totally fine with on some levels perpetuating the same stuff and she really doesn’t care about like anything bad that could ever affect anyone except for her or my brother. or like my sister and maybe me but then it’s more like she does that strange martyr thing where she’s like ~ this is a sign of all of the suffering in my lifeeee I am being punished by the universe/god~ and it’s so weird. It’s not like I don’t know what it’s like to be depressed and not caring but also like. on some level I feel like I can’t think of a single time that she hasn’t been. Depressed idk maybe she’s always been that way since puberty or maybe is suffering from the longest post partum depression. or maybe that’s just my way of formulating a digestible explanation for myself so i don’t have to feel guilty or think too deep about it and move on. Also maybe all I know how to do is argue but like. idk I fear being squashed by people and life so bad. I’m so self putting and maybe I have a forever but I’m complex do to not achieving what I want out of life yet or at all or whatever and feeling unliked. also omg not the iPhone autocorrecting or unloved lmao 🔫 but know it’s not that but it’s like ok so you love me but do you even care about me. like she says I love my children like a part of my body which you would think would be sweet but really it doesn’t feel like it it’s like is this. Does this already have to be connected to you like is this about your ego why don’t you love me for me I understand I make it difficult but why do you only see me as an extension to control which you’ve lost some ability to do so now im limp weight and a burden. This is so cheeseball but like. idk the more I think about I don’t know. it feels. Like she thought my only good quality was being smart but if anything the past 4 years have shown i am very much not like and a substance of self-sabatoge and just being unruly and mean or cold or distant or disrespectful or lazy or whatever. idk where I’m going with this but anyways. so I don’t even have being sensible … I hate people but I’m the biggest hypocrite for saying I’m gonna major I fucking business despite saying I don’t wanna for a year know but does it matter like with all the self sabotage I’ve done who knows if/where I’ll get accepted anyway but if anything if i don’t then it’s even all the more pathetic that I squandered every fucking opportunity and money that my parents leisurely threw in to my education like that’s just nothing short of pathetic that with every advantage I made bibi g out of myself. i don’t wanna work with read for my dad tho because I don’t think it’s good to put it simply and not just for me actually but also the control and humiliation. i am at a point of both self-pity and feeling low despite the fact that everyone I’ve done is willingly so it’s actually my fault I’m feeling unhappy with my own choices. so. idk. idk why I always feel low but as defined above clearly I’m instrumental in creating my own problems. i fantasize about having a come Lyerly different life which is stupid because I don’t even know what that looks like other than just having lots more money and not caring and just being like. my own little idol. but it’s stupid cause even if I wanted that i would have to work towards that and I’ve never had a single original thought that helped me or even like lifting a finger which is im sure a type of 21st century problem to say the least for the specific brand of person I am which is so underwhelming. I wish i could just do something and ig feel a sense of achievement but I don’t even wanna work towards stuff I think I like. So like even with all this wallowing idk it’s like i jsut do nothing just let teenage hormones get the best of me and I would say folks my worst impulses but even then I barely do anything I just argue I don’t really have much of a life.

#Im a certain brand of like out of touch that most people don’t achieve despite actively working towards #rymacore

[keefwho]

November 25 - 2022

10:48 AM

I caught a mistake I was making with my art, which was assuming there was a “correct” way to draw humans. I was caught up in trying to figure out how to do it right for this commission but I should have been figuring out what instances of human artwork I actually like and following that. It makes it less of a chore too because I get to explore something I might have wanted to do anyways. I’m looking to the Owl House for inspiration right now because I do really like the character style. And it might be simple enough to apply to this picture I have to do in a short amount of time. 

3:38 PM

It’s so FRUSTRATING that I feel like so much food might be “unsafe.” For no reason. Like things in my freezer that have been there long enough for me to forget about them which is still less than a month old. It’s -20 degrees in there on average and VERY stable. It’s all gotta be fine. The only way I know to stop feeling like this is to man up and eat the stuff anyways. It just sucks that each time is a little challenge but that’s where I am right now. 

The goal is to go back to enjoying food and looking forward to it. I’m not like that with everything at least, like I know dry pasta is safe or stuff in cans. Its just things that have to be kept cold that can get me thinking. 

Its a little bit of an extra challenge today because I’ve had my sliced cheese open for probably a little over a week now and the Sargento website says to use it within 5 days but I had already put the cheese in the burrito thing I’m making. I’ve definitely eaten this cheese after having it open for this long before. It looks fine and smells fine, there is no mold. Im taking the L on this one and eating this slice because common sense tells me it’s fine. Now I just gotta find a way to eat this other cheese within a stricter time limit. I’d usually freeze it but this brand becomes brittle and crumbles after freezing even after thawing. 

4:11 PM

It’s hard to tell if I should be rationalizing against myself to change my mindset, or to just think about it less. I try to to a combination where I gather helpful evidence and then accept it as the truth. But it seems like thinking/talking about it at all only makes the problem worse. It calls attention to it. I dont know if that’s bad or just part of confronting it. 

1:03 AM

I want to be strong for the people I care about. I REALLY want to. That’s becoming a bigger motivator every day. I often think about being in a position where I’m depended on and I want to be able to pull through. I want to help myself up so I can help others up too. I gotta be tough for my friends’ sake.