#i experience periods of distinct dissociation and depersonalization in patterns that can sometimes be recognized as an alter

[burialrite]

for the millionth time in my life i am questioning if i have osdd

#YOU WOULD THINK ID FIGURE IT OUT BUT IF I HAVE FRAGMENTS OR ALTERS THEY SURE ARE SOME DODGY MFS #like. I've been struggling with this since at least my sophomore year of high school #and the intense dissociative issues have come and gone but there's always been a baseline for it #i experience periods of distinct dissociation and depersonalization in patterns that can sometimes be recognized as an alter #i am so terrified of encroaching on this community space bc i am terrified im faking this but i havent. told anyone. #this is basically me telling everyone but it's not bc im a coward about it #i just wish i had a name for what happens when i go nonverbal and feel dave hovering at the back or hear jake talking to me its overwhelmin #i feel names and memories pop into my head that arent recognizable to me #and i dream increasingly about the same world and the same people and see friends ive never met there but i know and love them #i worry that its nothing. i worry that this is just me seeking attention and that im just wrong about it and dont know myself or my feeling #maybe thats true but i so strongly want to understand what may be happening its worth it to ask i guess #btw disclaimer this is just a vent the emotions/sentiments i express here are only directed toward myself #i would be so much more certain about this if the events were closer together #but i think i spend so much time masking that it's ingrained into my outward persona now and i couldnt relax if i wanted to #which makes it a lot harder to relax enough to think about it and feel out the dissociation instead of shutting myself down #anyway dave has been around for a long time along with marie #i started hearing marty's name repeated in my head maybe 4 months ago? it took me til last week to hear it correctly tho #jake said hi a few nights ago #again this is so candid i am probably going to delete this #i just wanted to get it off my chest #mumblings #another small note i only experience mild dissociative amnesia which leads me to believe it's not full DID #especially bc i didnt experience repeated consistent trauma until around 8-10 yrs old which makes it much less likely #ok bye for real