#i ended up just blocking the person i was fighting with bc i dont have the energy to do nasty arguing

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

would i be the asshole for contacting my ex to ask them if they could stop talking about me online to a community that knows who i am? (🥐)

tw: kinda emotionally abusive relationship

bg info

me (24f) and my ex (28) were in a three month relationship three years ago following a whole year of friendship. they were my first partner and i came out as a lesbian to everyone during our relationship. when we were together, they were 24 and i was 20. i was very emotionally dependent on them when i was 20 due to mental health issues and so were they which is probably one of the reasons why our relationship was as explosive as it was. i looked up to them, my whole emotional world revolved around them, and our friendship/relationship was the only thing i had in my life at the time. they constantly asked me "hey is it even ethical that im dating you, im 4 years older, you tell me please, oh i feel like such a bad person", yet, they still continued dating me every time they would ask.

our fights were horrible and truly explosive as they broke their stuff in front of me out of anger, threw things at me and insulted me as stupid, amongst many other things. our fights usually ensued because i would ask them for reassurance and they would start panicking and screaming at me to shut up. to be fair, i would cry every time i was asking for reassurance which probably made them feel scared about losing me, so i consider myself 50% at fault for everything that happened in our relationship, i shouldve been able to talk to them in a secure manner that wouldnt trigger their abandonment issues. our fights were quite jarring and made me walk out on them several times out of fear. yet i always came back and apologized and took the whole accountability, even though i dont consider myself the only one at fault. walking out several times during fights was probably one of the worst things i could have done but at the same time i was simply scared. even when i walked out after our last fight, they begged me to come back, which i did, i apologized under tears, and yet, told them that i cant promise them to stay no matter what.. and left.

we met through tumblr and were in a medium distance relationship. after our relationship, i went to a clinic and had to learn a lot about myself, what i experienced and what i want from life. im in a very happy and healthy place now and since the end of 2021 im with my current partner whom i want to be the love of my life and whom ive started to build a life with.

context

i have my ex blocked on all social media because they used to do hour long deep dives into my blog, even as of recently (i have statcounter installed for my safety bc im paranoid about them sending me anonymous asks). at first i also used to visit their blog after our break up but stopped doing so after moving on with my life. one year after breaking up i temporarily unblocked them and explicitly asked them not to look at my social media (or at least to do it in a way in which i dont notice aka asked them not to watch my instagram stories).

while i dont visit their blog/social media because i dont want to know whats going on in their life, tumblr mutuals frequently dm me stuff like "hey i think you should know that your ex posted about you/shit talks about something that you posted". i havent asked my mutuals to tell me whenever this happens but i imagine they do so because within the tumblr space we exist, everyone kind of knows everyone (so my ex doesnt have to mention my name for people to know who theyre talking about). sometimes mutuals send screenshots of the posts so that i dont have to visit my ex's blog. last ive heard my ex joked about throwing jewelry at me and posted extensively about a tattoo that i got. my ex's behavior makes me uncomfortable and feel just as helpless as i did back then.

why i might be the asshole

im scared that they might be venting because i was more at fault in the relationship than them and that i am unconsciously deflecting. however, i talked about every detail of the relationship and this fear extensively with my therapist, friends, and partner who are of the opinion that i was young, scared, and intertwined in a relationship that was incredibly toxic. im still unsure though because my emotions frequently triggered theirs.

why they might be the asshole

i asked them once to stop visiting my social media and i feel like venting about our relationship that broke off 3 years ago to a tumblr community of friends and acquaintances is kind of unfair. however, i might be the asshole and they might just need the space for venting. i could just ignore the vents and let them heal in their own way from what ensued.

WIBTA if i confronted them again and told them that i want them to stop talking about me online? or would i be a party pooper because every person needs a space for venting?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

[rakkuntoast]

ok i got nothing else to do so here's a transcript of the whole trauma talk

philza stream july 22nd 3:26:06

Tallulah: if i think u were paranoid, he is even more. y'all need a break

Phil: i mean it's cuz we've like experienced some kind of loss with the eggs, right? so, we've had the nightmare, alright. Chayanne lost a life to neglect cuz of misscommunication. Tallulah, you lost a life to the code monster...

Phil: Like we've felt what it's like to have you guys dissappear from our grasp, right? you've like- you've dissapeared from this world briefly, and we know what it's like. Like i-i've personally know what it's like, for you guys to fucking dissapear entirely like, the nightmare happened and i thought that was it, i was like "fuck well, it's done" and i felt so empty, right?

Phil: I-I genuenly felt like i lost a hardcore world, like- the 5 year world that i lost? that's what it felt like, i was like fucking miserable. And then bad uh- lost dapper like- like in a weird glitch type thing, and that got reverted. But when it happened, you can hear it in his voice like, he was distraught like- theres like a bond that we share even if is playing block game, you know?

Phil: we're just hanging out like, i wanna protect you guys with everything i can. everything i have i wanna protect you with, you know? but... i understand that i can't protect you for everything, so i just try to protect you from that i can, so... (and ooc out-of-character, i think everyone watching is incredibly invested also -laughs-, we're in the same boat)

Tallulah: It's understandable, thanks for sharing how u feel with us i'll be more careful

Phil: that's okay, you- you- you're very careful already tallulah, it's chayanne that fucking dives head first into danger all the time. He's- he's a bit more reserved now, you can do that chayanne when like theres more people, its fine, cuz then we can look after you, we can back you up. But when its just me and you, or me, you and tallulah.... we gotta- we gotta stick together, alright? we've seen all kinds of strange things happen

Chayanne: i mean, gosh i'm bad with words!!!

Phil: yeah, its alright. im just gonna throw some blocks out of my inventory

Tallulah: i gotchu brother

Phil: awww -laughs- gotta back eachother up, back eachother up guys

Tallulah: you show more with ur actions chay, that's more than enough

Chayanne: i dont want to die, i wont die soon, i take everything you showed us seriously

Phil: (overlaps) guessing "super seriously", yeah yeah yeah yeah.

Phil: You know what i think makes it more stressful? Is that us players can't see your health, right? So like, we don't iknow how close you are to danger, we can't- you can't talk to us mid fight, alright? like, you talk to us throught signs and books and stuff but like, we have to go through body language alone to figure out how in danger you are... You can't tell us, you dont have like a button to press, you don't have- there's like nothing to indicate that you're extremely low on health or in peril, alright?

Phil: So it makes it more stressful for the players and the people watching cuz we dont know, so i have to just be super fucking careful... And just treat it like you're on like barely any heart all the time, just in case

Chayanne: Thank you so much for that, when the giant squid grabbed me i was shaking-

Phil: -laughs- Oh god

Tallulah: Thank you for being such a good mentor (and father figure) i can't promise i might not die, but i will fight if i have to-

Phil: Oh i absolutely believe you'll do your absolute best to survive tallulah

Chayanne: When the giant squid grabbed me i was shaking bc i thought that was the end of it

Phil: Yeah- that was terrifying yeah, it's so- it's so like stressful

Tallulah: -to still be here with you all. i promised my papa and i make that promise to you

Phil: Aww, thank you Tallulah, thank you.

Phil: I feel like there's enough counter-measures in place that- realistically um it shouldnt be- nothing bad would happen like- you souldn't lose a life but.. You know me, and I- you know how im- I just I know that multiple bad things can stack on top of eachother and cause a really bad thing to happen, so like we have to be just careful of that, you know? You can be prepared for anything but there's always gonna be ways that you'll be unprepared for something, alright Phil: so- as long as we just prepare as much as we can and just be extra safe and not put ourselves in unnecessary danger then.. These situations that could happen can't happen. The only thing we can't prevent against really, or we can prevent it a little bit- but we can't really prevent it is when the code monster decides to take the life from an egg cuz.. You've seen it first hand, it does not give up

Chayanne: So yeah, it's not a good feeling ;_;

Phil: Yeah... I'm glad you guys are in the same page

Tallulah: In conclusion: we need to go to tio Roier's therapy sessions

Phil: -laughs- Is Quackity paying for it, yeah? Quackity got that on lock, it's like and insurance- it's like a company insurance, like a benefit you have for working with the server. its like "okay so uhh, who needs to book a therapy session today" everyone raises their hand at the same time, good god. Yeah, we'll go to family therapy together, we'll work it out, we'll work it out

edit: minor spelling mistake </3

#sorry if there's any mistakes this is so long and english is not my first language ajehfsefjse #and also i just made it out of boredom and fun so sorry for any inconvenience <:) #long post #qsmp philza #qsmp tallulah #qsmp chayanne #transcript #chayanne's signs after this are not in here it's too much already ajmefhas

[unexpectedbrickattack]

What do you think is the huggability score of our main characters + Brick out of 10?

Putting this under a readmore bc this is some EXTREME Research happening here

Peppino: 6/10. Hes short and hes fat and warm and soft so theoretically he SHOULD be a solid 10/10. But he sweats easily and i think physical contact would make him explode so hes shakes like a leaf the entire time. He will not return the hug well but he WILL make an attempt. If you catch him at a good time, hes got the perfect hugs. But maybe bring a napkin or two.

Pepperman: 1/10. Hes too gotdam big. He would love to be able to hug properly but hes very. Wide. And if he does manage to hug you properly, you will end up directly inbetween his eyes and unnervingly close to his teeth. This is also assuming he Wants to hug people; hes got better things to do. Like sculpt and draw and do rich people things like vacationing on a yacht or gaslighting poor people. (The actual pepperman portrait for the boss fight is very cute looking and i give that a 7/10 just bc i can. Hes got a lil painters apron; the whole fit makes him look huggable)

Vigilante: 3/10. It depends on your tolerance for odd textures. Hes just cheese. Hes cheese! Hes a bit sticky; he never leaves residue but the stickiness can be a bit offputting. Hes remarkably dense, so hugging him would be like hugging a memory foam mattress; wonderful pressure pushing against u but again. The texture… He would be a good weighted blanket; thats not a hug but do what you will with this information

The Noise: 7/10. He is small 🥺 Assuming the hug is earnest and Not a ploy to lower your guard, you are just hugging a Small Person. And we (small people) give the best hugs you can possibly have. But only if you let us hug around ur neck and not the midsection; he (we) cant wrap our arms around that. Points deducted bc the noise is just a menace and hed use a hug as an opportunity to chuck a potion of Explode Your House and then ur house Explodes.

Fake Peppino: 10/10. He can change shape and density at will; whatever you look for in a hug, he can do it. Light? Hes as delicate as a flower. Tight? Coiled like a snake. Dont like the goopy texture? For the time it takes to make this hug happen; the texture is Gone. This man Loves Hugs and with practice, has learned to give the Best hugs. As long as u dont mind his face and the odd way his skin seems to warp and bend in front of you.

Pizzahead: 2/10. TECHNICALLY capable of good hugs. Tall, long arms, friendly disposition. Massive point reduction bc hes doing one armed hugs to try and befriend you so he can sell you on this pyramid scheme he just Knows ur going to knock right out of the ballpark. Weaponized Hugs. Put him in Jail.

Gustavo: 9/10. Hes a gnome. Hes hairy and short and he always ALWAYS goes for the arms around the neck bc hes like 3’ tall. He is strong and so all hugs are tighter than you expect them to be and that can be good or bad depending on ur preference. He is also Small and Compact so hes very warm :) Solid hugs :)

Brick: 5/10. VERY pet-able!!! Imagine a rat but just Big. Hes SOFT and hes got Luscious Fur and wonderful little rat hands. But hugs are either 10/10 (rat owners dream) or 1/10 (texture hell). Hugs can be suffocating. Brick does Typical Rat Movements which includes snuffling your head very rapidly. Whiskers tickle. Rat Hands tickle. Brick MAY nibble at your head (beware). You wont be able to wrap your arms around this beast which may be a dealbreaker to some. But assume that this rat both Loves and Craves little huggles, so he is always an eager hugger :)

Noisette: 10/10. All the positives of Noise but without possible mischievous intent. She may fall asleep in your arms since she will be forced to stay still for longer than 2 seconds. Its endearing though.

Gerome: 7/10. Hes like Clay to me, like a block of playdoh. Tough enough to keep his shape, but soft enough that it doesnt Hurt to hug him. Hes not very soft or comfortable BUT hes got Intent behind his hugs. Hed only hug someone if they needed to be comforted and hes Very good at that. Very solid and grounding hugs if youre willing to hug a Block.

Snotty: 3/10. Smelly. So fucking smelly. Ranked higher than Pizzahead just to spite that twink.

#answered #chattin #not tagging anyone 😭 #what a silly ask heehee

[vantaesfairie]

𝔭𝔦𝔠𝔨 𝔞 𝔠𝔞𝔯𝔡 : 𝔞𝔟𝔬𝔲𝔱 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔨𝔞𝔯𝔪𝔞 𝔬𝔫 𝔶𝔬𝔲𝔯 𝔡𝔢𝔰𝔦𝔯𝔢𝔡 𝔭𝔢𝔯𝔰𝔬𝔫

atlty’s tarot readings - dm for paid readings and prices!

for the easily butthurt people i’m not specifying or demonising any mental health disorder here. FUN AND ENTERTAINMENT ONLY.

choose a picture below:

pile 1: dancing girls around a bonfire

the main message i got was that ‘if they are working hard towards something, it will backfire or fail’. definitely their goals, even if they achieve them, will bring some sort of backlash to them. perhaps a hotheaded fight (could be verbal, physical...) too. and something about erect*ons possibly not working too (censorship bc of tumblr). their outspoken or blunt nature can cause them to amplify the negative effects of the karma on them. it feels very workplace, so they will get karma at work or in school if so. their passions and endeavours will not come to fruition the way that they may think it will. they will grow stubbornness and pessimism, and possibly overwork themselves in a bad way with no achievement at the end. expect something coming or going rapidly. either they will get out of a situation that they were barely in to begin with or they throw yourself into a situation head first without thinking things through. they rapidly advance making snap decisions which puts them at a disadvantage. 

pile 2: candelabra girl dancing

yalls main message is ‘justice will be served’. something in their balance (could be work life, emotional balance) will turn off and cause an imbalance which will affect them. they will be attached to material physical things like appearance, s*x, etc that makes them forget and dismiss about the real things that make up a person, which is their relationships and opportunities that appear. they will start to have some silent self-image issues but not tell that to the world. they could face weight or health problems. they could start to be financially dependent on something / someone else. if they have wronged someone, they will definitely pay the consequences. the truth will come out. their main challenges are just materialism and financial difficulties ahead. if there is a legal battle, i’m feeling that they will lose it. 

pile 3: lantern girls searching in water

your message is ‘they will lose everything’. (i’m not sure if this is everything everything, or just everything in the sense of what they find most precious in the world). their emotional maturity will decline, they won’t be able to open themselves to be friendly and to let people to get to know them. they will get triggered by the little things (in a bad way, unempathetic way). perhaps a creative block too if they are an artist in any way. they will be very deceptive, but people will realize their schemes. if they have cheated, this will come to light and bite them in the butt. if they were once this higher up who bird-fed those below them, the roles will be reversed. it feels to me like they will drop from the peak of what they thought they had to absolute nothingness, or a position that they feel is degrading. they may also start to cope with alcohol or some sort of binge. they’ll lose their cool, and get demoted. 

im in a very petty mood right now if u couldnt tell from my tone BUT DONT SHOOT THE MESSENGER. TAROT READINGS ARE FOR FUN. I DID NOT CURSE NOBODY HERE AND IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY AB ME DEMONIZING PEOPLE shut your ass up

thank you for coming to my blog! please consider a paid reading or custom sigil. check out my masterlist for all my works. reblogs help!  

#tarot #witchblr #witchcraft #tarotblr #deck #intutitive #intuition #pac #pick a pile #pick a card #astrology #divination #crystals #games #services #commissions open #cards #artist

[mariii1]

░▒▓█ 𝖒𝖊𝖘𝖘𝖆𝖌𝖊𝖘 𝖋𝖗𝖔𝖒 𝖞𝖔𝖚𝖗 𝖋𝖚𝖙𝖚𝖗𝖊 █▓▒░

1-2-3

4-5-6

Reupload since Tumblr wants to be a pos. I'm unfortunately going to be taking another break after uploading this but let me know what pac you want to see again.

DM me for paid readings

1 - you may be fighting with the people around you a lot or you might be somebody who's combative. You could have anger issues or you just don't know how to deal with anger as an emotion either from yourself or from other people. I see more conflict and a warning that if you dont deal with issues you have now with other people they will get much worse in the future. I see you potentially embarrassing yourself or coming off as irrational to others. I also see someone trying to stab you in the back or take something from you because it either gives them pleasure to see and know that they made you upset or they feel like it's easy to take things from you because they view you as crazy/don't take you seriously. If you're deciding whether or not you should cut someone off because they make you feel emotionally out of balance, do it. I'm getting it's a trauma response; this person knows how to manipulate you. They are a bully, this could be a family member.

2 - Something about a future partner. You'll be freeing yourself from a capitalistic mentality. If you believe in hustle culture, you'll learn the hard way that it's not gonna help you. I see some of you burning out real quick from that. You're not gonna care about money in the future. For a few of you, this obsession with work and money comes from being financially abused whether by a partner for most or by a family member/guardian. I see you not letting money or work ethic define you or be your entire personality for some. If you feel stuck now, it has to do with money. I was getting more rude messages but I feel this comes from people around (they might not be close to you either) who find your mindset annoying and/or they see right through it.

3 - if you have a partner you might break up worth them. You will realize that they were never that good to you. This reminds me of a tiktok where this girl was saying that (to people watching) "he's not special". "He" does normal things and you make it special when it's not. Its the basics of being human, it's how he should've treated you even if you weren't in a relationship. This could be a groomer or some sort of abuser romantically for a lot of you. This could also be someone you put on a pedestal romantically if you don't have a partner. Maybe your crush actually treats you like a piece of shit. This could also apply to those in talking stages in dating apps and such. You're gonna realize someone isn't shit and you only really put them on a pedestal bc you either didn't like yourself or you were bored.

4 - this is a warning for some and others know its gonna happen. There are a few of you planning this on purpose. You might be veryyyy stressed out and over worked in the future. This could result from you not listening to yourself especially if this relates to some sort of decision. If its life altering you will regret it a lot it's just gonna make things harder. Im getting this could have to do with education. There's something you really should have listened to yourself about and it might be too late. My best guess is that if you know what this is, you might even be trying to get out of it currently. This is specific for some people. If you don't get it, it's not for you. This is for people who have been actively trying to block their thoughts and opinions on something out.

5 - ok so you are stopping a cycle if not you will be. However, when you stop, you're going to be stagnant. For a lot of you it can feel like you're stopping the flow of type life in a way. I see you not making any new moves or decisions which will keep you in one place even though you have ended a cycle. It's like you won't find something new or move on to the next thing. I see you being scared of your old cycle repeating or something worse coming your way. I feel this has to do with career or education. It seems you might've felt heavily overworked and not compensated for your work or you didn't get the right outcome so now you just don't want to do anything. Hmm this would be interesting to do a paid reading on.

6 - you're going to give up on presenting as something. In particular, a certain personality. You might have internalizations you're working on, for some of you this has to do with gender transitioning (we're in this together 😭) I see for most that this has to do with again a workplace or just a hostile environment. Maybe in the past you thought that not saying anything and just ignoring ppl would help you, but you see that's not the case. A lot of you had this idea that you needed to be the bigger person or act like ppl weren't worth your time but it was just you not knowing how else to approach conflict. So i see you finally getting someone in trouble with some sort of plan or just speaking your mind in a way that brings action ig. Yeah you might've really hoped to get along with someone but you'll see its just not possible and they refuse to leave you alone.

#pick a card #pick a pile #tarot reading #paid tarot readings #love tarot reading

[magmythedevil]

as some1 who has posted things they dislike in the past - I am surprised they have never noticed-

aaaa all of this is such a mess from all ends . I believe dollzi is not inherently bad at this current moment in time , I may have a different perspective than others because I’ve read more into how Doll keeps softly frowning or visibly feeling bad / sympathetic towards Uzi , so I do not see Doll as a heartless person . n like most have said, every1 in this show has tried to kill eachother, how is Dollzi the outlier of Juzi (J deliberately trying to kill Uzi, Uzi outright killing J. J NEVER getting character development after this point since she doesn’t rly do much in e6) or any other ship where two characters rival eachother .

Rivalry is not proship , just bc two ppl hate / dislike eachother or fight eachother is not indicative of power imbalances if there is literally no imbalances to speak of (Doll and Uzi are clearly the same age, and similar in strength)

& until canon brings up anything tht relates Doll and Uzi as cousins , it shouldn’t be treated like a crime . The people who enjoy it currently would reasonably take back their stance if that was the case - it’s not indicative of us now , when there’s barely any proof . Ppl r allowed to manage their spaces and what they’re uncomfortable with , I just find how they handled it a littlee off , but they don’t deserve to be accused of things either , that’s too far .

You explained It in the exact same way i think! That why i got só confused when i found out people blocked me over me conforting someone over a ship i dont even like.

I dont Think Doll is heartless and i dont think Uzi a litte baby that cant defend herself either. Thats why all of this "dollzi is very inclined to the proship area" sounds weird to me

#murder drones #ask

[opal-owl-flight]

alright i know it a bit off topic to what you are doing right now. but is angst really necessary for a character. all it does it make me feel so horrible for them. just saying

This is tumblr, the rule for this is to block me/the angst arc tags and move on. If you are who I think you are, Im going to take the step myself for both our sakes.

This is my story. Youre not obligated to read it, youre not obligated to keep up. If the content upsets you, you dont force the writer to change the story they want to write. You leave for the sake of your emotional state. I wont take offense to that as we all have our tolerance for upsetting topics/stories. (God knows I have my own.)

As for angst being necessary?

Have you seen the shit these characters go through in canon?

You can make the argument for everything being cartoon violence but DO REMEMBER that Hal Labs themself has made final bosses scream in pain while youre in the process of giving them a soul-smashing beatdown. And in the case of True Arena for Mags -- you can hear him begging for help in the bg as you fight. (Epilogue also has a lot of angst. Fucks sake one of Mags' "taunt" animations has him crying.)

Im not exactly adding angst where there isnt. It is simply an extension of canon.

Or do you speak of my more painful arcs, like False Paradise or Back to Zero?

Again, they are simply extensions (in my interp) of whats given in canon. I take the canon stuff seriously in my writing, thats just how I do. Those events have lasting effects on the characters. You cant say someone gets possessed and theyre all hunky dory the next time you see em. Wasnt Dedede implied -- no. Straight up SAID by Hal --- to have had trauma from Fecto Forgo? So for my way of writing things, Whos to say the others didnt as well?

In terms of the relationships for those two arcs. (+Nova Incident too what the hell.) Magolor wasnt the best person. He still isnt, sometimes. Healing from what hes done while he was lashing out, for all parties involved, is not going to be smooth sailing. Sometimes things start to look up but and then go nasty in the middle. Thats just the way things are.

BtZ's basis is touching on how puppy love/crushes tend to die the longer you know a person. You find things you dont like about the fellow you admired. And that breaks them apart. Its very fortunate in rhe end of this arc though that both parties see their mistakes/flaws and learn to accept and grow with them, and thats why they got back together.

Angst makes good payoff.

And about excessive angst? Thats subjective. And I always resolve them in the end. (Hell, even Legacy has a good ending now...mostly bc I nuked it after the rewrites). Im not really good with ending things badly, so my stuff always wraps up on a happy note. (I should probably post more of the fluff stuff tbh, but its impact is heavily reduced without the angstier context.)

Tldr, in my interp/writing style, angst is indeed necessary for the character. One, a lot of it is already canon anyway. Two, this is my way of exploring/extending the character and their themes (Mags leans heavy on trust and forgiveness). Three, all of this makes for more satisfying closure/payoff.

#jfc get off my case and let me write what I want. #opal owl hoots #also I cant help but say that this entire thing feels so manipulative #it really feels like you want me to change the way I write bc it makes you upset. Im sorry that it does but #Im not obligated to do that. YOU however have the choice to just turn away. So. do. that.

[raysletters]

Fanfic Friday!

Rules: share a fic you wrote (or fan art or gif) that you are proud of! Moodboard optional!

Oh would you look at that? nobody actually tagged me, but im really proud of this fic and will forever be my precious baby and my first non canon compliant or canon adjacent fic.

peace by raysletters

"give yourself away sometimes, sweetheart. there's so much of you"

4 times Henry gives himself away, and the 1 time Alex shows him how much there is of him.

lightly inspired in it's nice to have a friend and peace by taylor swift

(alternatively called: the superhero au)

this was written thanks to a prompt from @inexplicablymine for @thebrownstone anniversary exchange and ive never had so much fun writing something ever. it was in the middle of a writers block and i spent SO long thinking about it (mainly bc i cant stand the movie or a certain actress on it) before i remembered my aforementioned hyperfixations on both the bright sessions and the flash (at some point i hope somebody makes a tbs x rwrb fic before i end up caving in and do it myself, even though it would be very similar to this fic, now that i think about it).

(break where i give little information about this bc the research was long and incredibly fun)

after all of that, it was so long that i spent on a google rabbit hole of researching superpowers and thinking how would it fit each person (i KNEW before anything else that i was going to give bea music powers, and after that the rest followed) so it is funny how all of their powers correlate between family and stuff and i need everyone to know about this bc i really spent so long thinking of it.

you have the mountchristen line, that has the "mind powers", starting with mary (psyren) that has the powers to manipulate minds, but it is more like suggestions, so that's why alex and bea could shrug it off and how henry would be able to after fighting his usual response of like going along whatever mary said; then you have catherine (vis) that has telekinesis, aka manipulation of objects through her mind (dont ask me about the name this one was very much just thrown out there when i looked it up suggestions on google). thats where arthur (foxglove) comes in with his ecokinesis (this is more like controlling plants but not really with his mind but like hes in TUNE with the planet and nature ala poison ivy kinda thing(?) (also yes ofc i found out there is a PLANT called FOX-GLOVE and gave it as a name for arthur. that is something he 100% would do and i dont receive criticism for it) and starts the fox-mountchristen line with philip (no i didnt think of his superhero name bc even though he is a bit redeemed here, he doesnt deserve it) and his MANIPULATION OF THE LIGHT WITH HIS MIND. and yes its cool and all, but i just want to emphasize that i wanted them to be able to MANIPULATE PARTS OF NATURE WITH THEIR MINDS BC ITS A MIX OF BOTH CATH AND ARTHUR (sjfnakdjfkahdmfhansbfmahdm im sorry i thought of it while still blocked and thought it was absolutely genius 💀💀). then there comes beautiful gorgeous bea who doesnt have a pseudonym bc she's actually part of the agency trying to control that superheroes dont do crazy stuff (yes bc of mary) and shes a badass agent and also has a band on the side bc she CAN MANIPULATE SOUND AHFNSJHSSJDJABHSNSHAJS. and lastly theres henry with his empathy and this is something not implied but more like a nod to tbs bc henry's actual powers are the manipulation of emotions which MEANS HENRY IS BASICALLY INCREDIBLY FUCKING POWERFUL but since he really doesnt like all that superhero shit, he doesnt care about it. at some point in time, he might discover hes even able to push emotions into other people, but again, since that was a nod to tbs, thats just something for them to discover in the future and thats it.

on the other hand, you have the claremont-díaz line that is messy as fuck, because in this universe, ellen enlisted in the army like her father and she ended up becoming a super soldier, along the lines of captain america, and was called "lometa longshot" bc yes ofc i had to. so you see how she doesnt have actual powers but instead she just has everything ENHANCED????; then you have oscar, who has the ability to fly, (which, fun fact, was actually the last power i thought of bc the idea of it is that oscar had some power of MOVEMENT), and bc you have impossible movement and enhancement, you get beautiful june with her powers of teletransportation that allow her to be a badass reporter and always get exclusives bc of how fast she can get somewhere; and you get alex with his undiagnosed adhd and the fire under his ass for no good reason and then there was absolutely no other choice but to give him super speed (and has nothing to do with the fact that he, like barry allen, is a very intelligent but very chaotic bisexual with undiagnosed adhd).

nora is there vibing, being a tecnopath and having actual numbers on her brain while also planning to conquer the world and also become kind of an iron-woman(? in that she makes gadgets for superheroes and for herself. pez is also vibing and being so cool they even have two powers, being able to shapeshift AND mimic the powers of ppl near them. hes the actual threat in that if they wanted, they could absolutely conquer the world.

ANOTHER FUN FACT: this is fairly obvious but in the us the school is called sky high and in uk the school is called wonder school bc i couldnt think of anything else and my reference for names of schools in the uk is that wizardry school from that horrible book so like,,,,, yeah.

LAST FUN FACT I SWEAR: theres a list of classes and their kind of equivalents that showed up after i decided alex would absolutely never stand this hero/sidekick bullshit shsksjsksjsksjsksjsksjs it was fun even though im yet to grasp the concept of american education(????? (listen im dumb so like if you were expecting too much from me, thats on you)

Math → Strategy

Language Arts → Heroism (morality and stuff)

Science → Mad Science

Social Studies → World History

Foreign Language → Technology (Hacking and entering 💀)

Physical Education → Combat

Electives → Save the citizen, Enhancement (like practice your own powers and stuff), Origins (of superheroes and superpowers), Teamwork (something both Alex and Henry definitely didn't take 💀), Alter-ego Management

(im not kidding when i say i pasted it verbatim to what i had in my docs, bc theres nothing more chaotic than my outlines and ramblings on any of my gdocs)

im not tagging anyone bc i just noticed it is decidedly not friday anymore but i got too excited talking about this fic akdbdksjsksjAbssjakajsncjbsksdhdjsj anyway, go and read it if you havent shkssjkssjsksjsksjs

#red white and royal blue #alex claremont diaz #henry fox mountchristen windsor #writing #ao3 #rwrb fic #rwrb #fanfic #fanfic friday #fanfic rec #raysletters on ao3 #sky high #sky high au #peace by raysletters on ao3

[weirdbabs]

i had a dream that guillermo had been approached by a legendary vampire (like. the actual dracula or something like that) who told him that he could fix his problem and make him a full vampire. so guillermo ends up doing everything he says, which includes roping derek into it, and at the cumulation of it all the vampire had him kill derek which guillermo, whos so desperate to finally become a full vampire, does. and it does work, guillermo gets everything he wants from dereks death and thanks the vampire, only for the vampire to tell him that its just the start bc next theyre going to kill the house vamps (to somehow become more powerful thru their deaths?) which guillermo is opposed to

the vamp insults guillermo, telling him that hes too weak to seek real power and that he had no issues killing the vampire that turned him whats the difference with these four, and guillermo gets defensive but struggles to answer bc holy shit hes right i killed derek, who up till this point ive defended against even my vampire family, was it even worth it?? while hes dealing with that personal crisis, the vampire tells him that hes going to kills them with or without his help and then begone

guillermo sneaks into the vamps estate later intent on killing him before he could hurt his family, and sees that he has guests. he wants to be a vampire now, not a hunter, so he wants to keep the killings to a minimum and resolves to kill the vamp when hes alone. (we get to see a shot of the guests as guillermo sees it, the majority of the shot blocked but the vamps faces still clear as day and its the house vamps but guillermo couldnt recognize them bc nandor had his back to him, laszlo had a fake beard over his beard, nadja had her hair done like the bride of frakenstein and w as wearing the most modern clothes ive seen her in, (still matching with laszlo), and colin robinson was dressed like a fedora guy. guillermo for some reason said, outloud, to himself, that the vampires guests were really attractive??)

anyway guillermo tracks down the vamp when hes alone and confronts him, the house vamps enter in mid fight, guillermos secret is revealed by the vamp, everyones hurt (nandor bc guillermo was turned by someone else, laszlo/nadja bc he became a full vamp and didnt tell them). the vampire somehow revokes guillermos vampiric powers, making him human again, and guillermo manages to kill the vamp right before he could kill nandor, and everything is back to the status quo, except that now the vamps dont trust guillermo and he was left with the knowledge that he had tasted his childhood dream and now he may never be able to achieve it again. guillermo stares out a window looking at the freshly risen sun hitting the trees and sighs. he heads towards the front door, for some reason princess carrying a tarp covered nandor, who has his arms wrapped around his neck and is instructing him on what to do to make the ride comfortable and not mess up his hair. he steps outside, pausing when the sun hit his skin, takes a deep breath before descending down the stairs and the episode ends

most of the fandom was losing their minds over nandermo, quite a few people were talking about how fucked up dereks treatment was, a lot of people were complaining about the return to normal and how nothing can ever change in a sitcom, and meanwhile i was so upset that the only thing i had to say was:

“guillermo when he cant recognize laszlo: holy shit that man is attractive

#yeah. that episode was. not my favorite #im gonna try to take whatever i can from it. even if i have to remove all context #i can play with the shit and fart show scenes like dolls. if i want”

#meanwhile in the background of my dream my dad was setting up some exercise equipment in the garage bc his physical therapist said he was #losing muscle mass. i would take breaks from the show to help him out with that lmao #yeah it was like the moment they killed derek i was like >:( okay i dont like that. and it ruined the dream episode alshshakgsk #also for some reason they had. right before the end credits rolled. renew s5 and i was like???? werent you guys greenlit to season 6???? #wwdits

[endermahn]

SMALL BOXING AU WENCLAIR.

Oh my god writers block for fhe IFHY series is beating my ass rn bc i lost my reference.

(Still expect a new chapter, just expect if sunday night or monday early early morning like 1am or something my time/my country time.)

So have a little Wednesday Boxer Au where shes selective mute 👍

Idk how to start it…

TRIGGER WARNINGS: none really, some violence but its VERY minor, just like “She knocks them out!” Stuff like that, saving all my detail for the series. Oo theres some mention of blood though. VERY BREIF mention of needle?

This is unchecked over, like all my other work.

No specific music, dont stop believing started playing though, so maybe its a sign?

——————

Wednesday stepped into the changing room and got dressed quite quickly.

Her match was up in 3 others.

She was used to the weighted feeling in her stomach, the feeling that tingled up her spine and left through her arms, sometimes creeping up her neck to give her an involuntary twitch to be rid of it.

The ravenette quite enjoyed it, though. The horrible feeling it gave quite euphoric, making her feel even more weightless than usual.

Untouchable.

She heard the first match end, with that the feeling grew, attempting to escape out of her mouth.

The soft, droning chatter kept her grounded, the talk of who was next, people trying to see their opponent early or just having general conversations as if they weren’t about to knock each other out a moment later.

Thing tapped softly on her thigh, and with that she looked down.

Her eyebrows questioned his actions and he signed to her

“I found your opponent.”

And with that the second match was over, cheering, clanking and over all screaming could be heard from practically miles away.

She signed back

“Where are they?”

“Follow me.”

Wednesday got up, leaving the space with her bag and water bottle behind.

After quite the short walk, she spots the character thing was describing on the way over.

Blonde, the bottoms being dyed opposing colours.

Fangs being exposed while she was laughing, intimidatingly needle like.

“This her?” Wednesday’s hand started signing, making quite klunky sounds on the table next to her.

However, she didn’t get to finish as her opponent noticed her.

She turned around and happily skipped toward.

Wednesday’s eyes were glued to her, skeptically eyeing her and checking her out to see how she could beat her.

“Hey!” She shouted out “Are you my opponent? My friends pointed you out to me a second ago!” The blonde chuckled, huffing out air. “Im Enid, pleasure to meet you. And to fight you, of course.”

The raven like girl backed up a bit, slightly frowning at such a bubbly girl.

Her hand didn’t hesitate or leave a beat to pass as she signed:

“Yes, I am your opponent. My name is Wednesday. It is a pleasure to fight you. Thing told me about you.” She struggled a bit with the last parts, not being sure how it were to translate properly.

“Ohh” Enid’s eyes were struck with realisation. “Okay I get you, Its really nice to meet you, Wednesday! And hello, thing” Her eyes calmed a bit as she said the other girl’s name, her shoulders slightly relaxing.

Thing waved to Enid happily.

“It really is nice to meet you, sometimes I go into the ring not knowing the opponent and the look in their eye kinda scares me” The taller girl huffs put happily now.

Wednesday signed quickly, now more knowing of Enid’s abilities of reading sign. “Personally I find their look of pure murder relaxing, it makes me become much more relaxed when I see that break down as they run out of stamina.”

“Ah, well its a selective likeness, I suppo-“ The bell rings out and another floor of cheering fills the gaps in the air.

“We’re on.”

“We are. Well it was nice speaking to you, and just so you aren’t disappointed, be aware my flame definitely isnt going to be put out.” Enid smiled at this, giving the other girl a wink, then she walks out and to her side.

Thing signs on the remaining girl’s shoulder.

“I like her”

Nothing could tear Wednesday’s eyes from Enid Sinclair.

[astraldrake]

sketch/wip/unfinished nonsense dump but there's context bcs why not under a cut because otherwise it'd be six miles long

these are some boss arena sketches for achilles the upper sketch is a rough map with a few specific symbols denoting the location of corpses and trees, as well as a few notes pointing to the starting location of the boss and the player entry of the arena. The lower sketch is a set of scenes taking place in different parts of the arena. The first depicts a character entering the arena, the second is the character approaching the boss, and the third is a shot of the boss, now awake. In this hypothetical setting (game? thing? i have no clue what to call this really), Achilles guards the path to felwinter peak, an optional area (although what is in said optional area i have yet to fully decide, i think he may just be guarding a friendly npc or something).

The idea is that you have to beat him to access the area beyond. The arena is full of the corpses of previous heroes who had challenged him. You find him stuck in a wall of ice that's blocking your path, but he wakes upon seeing you, and thus begins his bossfight. At half health he gets overtaken by corruption and switches from solar to stasis attacks.

boss design thing for darren. sticking with the theme for a moment. I figure even after you beat him he doesn't die, and after recovering somewhat actually ends up helping you out later on.

His thing in this setting is that he's essentially become so saturated with light that it's taken a toll on him (i toyed with giving him the title 'Light-lost' in reference to how his nature as a person has been 'lost' to the light. im being veeery subtle). It's eaten away at his memory and identity and when you initially start the fight he's amnesic and confused, he knows he has to kill you but can't remember why. Despite this he's still incredibly powerful, hurling bolts of lightning and and slashing at you with two massive swords. After you deplete his first healthbar, he self resurrects, beginning to remember more and more, and kicks off his phase 2. If you survive the hail of blades and fire, you knock him prone, at which point he recalls enough to switch tactics and will become friendly, offering his aid in exchange for you to stop trying to kill him.

Elden Ring, O Elden Ring. I just couldn't figure out what to do with the background on this one. Also, I was very disappointed to find out that there was nothing that let you get the bird wings the crucible knights have. I have decided my tarnished has them anyway because they look sick as hell. (also they match the scythe, so, yknow.)

Character expression practice. I had a few more of these but I think these two turned out the best. (some of the other ones looked kinda unsettling and wrong) So many part of a face squish around when you emote, and if you miss something then the whole thing looks off.

been watching a bloodborne playthrough again. Had some very- shall we say self indulgent, ideas about universe hopping, and one particular adoptive grandchild of Aerrhiks. (that phrase is gonna mean nothing to anyone whose never heard of my ocs but eh) first sketch is some hunter armor, second is a design for a baby great one version of them.

should probably state here that my favorite way of doing crossovers (although i dont often share them) basically amounts to picking up one (or several) of my ocs and just plopping them down into the setting in question. Let chaos ensue and all that jazz. It's fun to see how the ocs will respond to their new setting, as well as thinking about how the setting might react to them in turn. (I also acknowledge that this method usually ends up breaking the narrative/setting/themes/etc at least a little if not a lot, and is by all accounts kind of a stupid and unintelligent way to interact w/ the source material, but have you considered? it's fun.) Anyways yeah, tldr for these is that I considered unleashing Ash on yharnam for enrichment purposes. (and then thought way too much on how that might end.)

And that's all I have for tonight! I might do another one of these at some point with some older things i never got around to sharing/finishing. We'll see.

#my art #astraldrake's art #destiny the game #oc: Achilles #oc: Darren #oc: Ash #oc: Varda #id tag er and bb but these are mostly my destiny ocs so for the sake of the occupants of those tags i will refrain #anyways #woe. me talking about my art and ideas be upon ye.

[first-only]

Despite the fact that I am getting more comfortable with being SaLS on main, I still get incredibly anxious when I get an anti message

I'm just so scared to have a callout post written about me, and you can never know who will or wont try to set you up for harassment (especially if they are an anti) It doesn't help that I'm incredibly anxious and paranoid a lot of the time

congrats on getting more comfy!! and yeah anxiety is a bitch but i believe in you! at some point you kinda get callous and desensitized to random messages lol

i dont mean to make it worse at all, and if that line of thinking doesnt work for you i apologize, but here's a few things ive picked up over the years:

it doesnt like... /really/ matter what you post. things that you or a wider audience consider "problematic" arent the only way you can get "cancelled". like i got called racist for pointing out that two phrases in different languages can be translated in the same way in english. like literally ranting in the tags about my own language ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ so for people determined to look and sift for 'material' it wont really make a difference if youre posting incest fic or like.. oogling over the celebrity of the day, they just wanna pick a fight. so do what makes you happy anyway, it wont give them teeth if you dont worry about the content yourself. bc yeah it doesnt matter on the internet if you post fic or just aesthetics, they have the same 'moral' value and if you dont assign them different weights then someone else doing it shouldnt bother you either

in the.. absolute best gentlest and encouraging way to say this. you and like. all of us are just some randos on the internet. the chances of someone leading a /personalized/ harassment campaign against you, or even someone finding you that juicy of a target to have more people message you is like. /really/ low. even if you get messages from time to time, a whole ass campaign is unlikely unless you have a lot of followers/are a BNF/are the lead content creator for a rival ship to the main one (bc lets be real all this is one giant ship war at the end of the day)

callouts or "block" lists are usually mass things in my xp. like you get put among 20 other usernames and then you bond w the others over the experience and are happy that you found new likeminded mutuals. the amount of times ive followed an entire list of ~problematics ive been featured in lol. its ironically a bonding experience and with a few blocks out of the way its kinda.. positive in the best case?

and really. really. i might be like. a bit too callous but at this point. even if there is a harassment campaign. even if you get a huge callout. even if half tumblr blocks you. so what? block out the haters, lie in with the mutuals, vent to some side friends. and just. keep going. so what if a bunch of rabid antis are raging out of their skin because youre having fun and trying to tell the other antis that youre having fun. yes you are. so what. what are they gonna do, make fifty accounts? send more anons? catch even more blocks? (reminder that if you block someone on anon it catches their entire ip so they cant make more accs to harass you). like yes, take precaution not to get doxxed (no sharing of identifying info, including where you live) but thats common safety anyway, and most antis arent tech savvy enough to dox anyway. you'll be fine. even if an account gets mass reported you can always write down mutuals' urls and start over (my own mutuals have a lot of experience, the propara community is fun lol) you can still share content, have fun, be yourself. its not a deadly situation. not to be 'the internet isnt real life it doesnt matter' bc yeah it can very much be anxiety inducing and horrible, but at the same time taking a step back yourself and evaluating the situation can help a lot with emotional regulation (just like in real life! some relationships are worth stepping away from, or getting less invested into if they become toxic)

so yeah thats my general view of the problem, again brains are weird and no two work the same, but these things help me and make me feel better, so hopefully if not you personally they might soothe someone in general ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

really hoping you find your community and comfort anon. fandom is a great place with it and a barren wasteland without, but imo its worth sharing even if for that one thrill /you/ get when someone likes it or when you find some gem

#ask #i love saying shit like this and then looking at my own fandom experience like ah yes seek community it is great #ignore my fandoms that i dont touch w a 3m long stick lol #i mean to be fair im having great fun in 'genera' fandom and different tumblr circles #and ive given up on finding more people beside close friends w my specific pretenses #but its still funny #and possible with big and/or newer fandoms!! #build a circle of trusteds before it dies so you can brave different waters together thats what i did w DA

[lost-space00]

Imagine leaving after someone snapping back after YOU TRIGGERED ME😂 like doing shit you said you wouldn’t do and not taking any responsibility at all yeah what’s the point in me keeping back

I NEEDED you and you could care less why I was upset, YOU STILL DONT EVEN KNOW WHY?!

Like how are you gonna decide to up and leave bc of my reaction when you don’t even know what caused it lol a whole friend ship ended bc I needed your support and you couldn’t give me anything but attitude and excuses and when I finally fr snap back just a little you block me 😂whatever man I’ve been doing better as a person AND AS A FRIEND, all you’ve been doing is telling me to go to therapy when I need a fucking friend anyways and tell me how my words hurt people and traumatize them when that’s just me venting imagine my brain to myself.

This is exactly why men don’t talk and have a higher suicide rate, get told our emotions are too big for other people, imagine the ones fighting those every fucking day.

I don’t think ur actually better than us I just think you try to be the most because that’s your only goal in life at this point is to learn how to mentally be better than everyone so you can have the right to say what’s enough to avoid this ever again ? Avoid fixing this? Avoid it all? How about YOU. Go to therapy and tell em how most of the trauma I gave you when in your damn dreams bruh .

You went from telling me I need to talk more and let it out and being on the phone with me for hours saving my fucking life

to someone who can’t stand me or answer a 5 min call because you’re showing your dad some shoes.

Yea I have no right to be upset at all, sure I shouldn’t have lied and said I’m fine but I’ve been taught to try and please YOU instead of you pleasing me . Don’t talk shit about me if it’s the person you’re becoming .

[jenanddomo]

1.19.23

today the day i finally move on. im glad he block me on here unless i did idk. i blocked him everywhere. phone number to roblox . i finally deleted every picture of us. well what used to be “us”

i actually cherish the moments we had from beginning to end. i remember when we used to send selfies to eachother n how we would fight who would do what more in the beginning. i remember just being over heels for u , i even thought we werent even gon get together or last for a month. but we grew up for basically 3 years together n saw us become adults .

it sad it had to end like this. it ended in the most heart wrenching way for me. maybe not for u. but then in a way realization hit. this was for the best.

n my gut was right. i remember the time we would just smile after every kiss we did,every hug, even dumb arguments in person we would smile. i remember our dumb inside jokes with miss ***** and dont go to the restroom youll die type beat. i remember the time in december 2019 how we huddled together to stay warm infront of the gym and we just laughed and smile abt it. the first time we kissed n u didnt realize it til i kissed u the third time n we were watching helen keller i think lol. i remember when i used to write u love notes n little drawings for u to keep. n i remember the letter u gave me n how u said u had to write a in a fancy way lol. i regret throwin that away . i only remember some of what it said.

their were up n downs, mostly down lol . but we did have alot of love to give to eachother everytime we saw eachother. i remember just loving to be in his arms n fighting over one spot on the couch just so one of us can lay. or the time ill try to be big spoon n we would just fight. or when we would be ghost together in blankets n just cuddle . i remember we woudlnt even pay attention to movies bc all we will do is make fun of eachother n focus on eachother. lol i remember pretending to be alll sad n depressed everytime he left my house.

i remember our fights . we were both so jealous. so controllin too. im sorry for being so controlling and jealous at the time. now i realize we were being dumb n we needed to trust eachother. but it all started to go downhill when we both lied to eachother.

this is my realization that the relationship was so bad. im startin to remember all the bad things me n him did. i dont wan remember bc i just regret fighting n just arguing. i regret slapping him at school. i regret just being so ugly ard him. all i ever was to be just his n just his. i fell in love so hard for him that i just wanted him n only him. even if he didnt believe me i would say it.

that was my problem, i overthought everything bc how madly in love i was . for me, he was my everything, my world, n at the time i would die for him. do anything for him, but at the same time i would atleast have control over myself n try to do wtv even tho i wouldnt let him do wtv. it so weird not talkin to guys for atleast 3 years . when i blocked him i realize i had freedom . for the first time i didnt know what to do. it like a baby comin out of a womb n just cryin n not knowin wtf to do. it was so weird first time in ever i see nothing abt, tryin so hard not to think abt him . n this week i been trying to do self care n workout but i fucked up my sleepin schedule n diet bc since i dont eat as much -below 1000 cals-

since i eat below 1000 cals i lost most of my energy n just tryna make money made it worse.

it was so weird when his bsf started to follow everything n jst like my stuff. like he a hoe no cap

but lol

idk i can’t speak on things.

i can’t speak abt this no more.

i just hope she makes him happier n not miserable like i did. n i hope he finally loves himself n do better for him. but i really hope he can be happy with n without someone n just be a better bf for someone else n hopefully learn from our mistakes.

ill like to describe this relationship as

karmic

“A karmic relationship is one that's filled with all-consuming passion but is extremely difficult to maintain,”

we loved eachother so much but our personalities were always so different eversince the beginning.

hopefully we can talk again in the future. maybe in the future ? maybe when i finally get over over u. i cant bare to see u rn bc ik ill just fall in love again , i just wan see u as sum1 i used to know.

its so funny how i tried to atleast make him jealous lolllollol :p i was so dumb n childish

i dont like nobody

i love to lie so ppl dont think im weak

i only loved him

but he doesn’t love me

anyways

im glad i didnt cry makin this post:) girlboss

hopefully i do the things i wan today bc i just got 100 bucks:) also may never post again

[thoughts-of-the-unheard]

this is the entire story of me and one of my best friends and our roller coaster of a relationship so buckle up, its long and i need help

the summer camp i worked at had a christmas party with everyone from the cub scout camp and the boy scout camp and 2019 was the first year i knew a lot of people from both but i remember one kid i didnt know that this one said looked like someone we worked with, not too long after i realize this new kid is the kid that followed me on Instagram a few months prior, now i wasnt used to people following me that i didnt know so i took notice of that and i had talked to the kid and my group that i was hanging out with had come to the conclusion that this kid was annoying, for some reason, i started talking to him afterwards on instagram and eventually over snapchat and facetime and phone calls and a whole bunch of stuff to the point where i was calling him regularly and anytime i was on the phone my mom assumed it was him, he was friendly with my mom and my cat before he even met them

now he lives a little under an hour away so the first time we hung out was october 2020 and we went on a hike and i think that was it then i had my first oa weekend with scouts and he was there and took me home from it then we hung out again in december with two of his friends where we did a little hike and lunch and got ice cream and aside from when we were eating, everyone always had a mask on, and as he was dropping me off after this day, he asked me out and i said something about how its not a great time for a relationship, which was true, but i also just never saw him that way, he took it well but shortly after that i ended up blocking him on like everything, here included im sure, because i woke up to a text that said something like "i cried myself to sleep and its all your fault" i think there was an additional text but i dont remember and i had a lot going on and just didnt need whatever that was so, instead of dealing with it or asking or anything rational, i blocked him, for like a solid month until i processed it and asked him what actually happened because thats out of character for him

well what had actually happened was he facetimed me on my ipad and i didnt see it bc i wasnt on it, there was no other context and i didnt know he had called so i thought he was just being a dick really but we got over that once we talked about it and kinda went right back to where we were before but in that september, the month before we first hung out, i developed a crush on this guy at my school, we started dating in april, earlier in april was another scout weekend with him and then again one in may and they were both good we were on good terms and i got my brotherhood in may and between the may weekend and the june conclave weekend, i told him i was dating the other kid and at this point, for months though, i had people telling me i think he likes you and all this and whenever i talked about the bf he got pissy and would straight up end conversations if i even alluded to him, but it was now six months after he asked me out and five since out big fight and i thought he was over it and he would make jokes about the fight that i never thought were funny but the june weekend i told my friend the shortened version of this and she was like my buddy all weekend and one of the few people around who knew him and didnt hate him (i have a habit of being friends with people that a lot of people dont like, i can name five off the top of my head)

so i knew she was unbiased and she also just a great person but anyway later that night i ran into him with her and a younger scout that had been puppy dog trailing us (he was like twelve or smth and we were nice, it wasnt a problem but he was annoying be he was a kid and we were older teenagers) now i hadnt seen him for most of the weekend and i was starting to think he was avoiding me so i see him alone and no where to run from my questions and i start talking to him and he had been having a bad night and this kid did not pick up on that or the fact that he was poking every single button available and i could tell that he was starting to get pissed at this kid so im standing next to him and start slightly brushing my fingers up and down his arm to try to calm him it works but my friend who i told the background to ended up making a joke about when i had blocked him, which he had been doing for months now, but this time it was funny, he loses it, i dont know what he was going to do but he yells at her and raises his arm and i step in because even though he has never been threatening i am hardwired to protect people, especially those i care about and especially from bigger men, now he doesnt hit her or even come close but i saw his arm go up and i reacted and i got angry, at the way he reacted, at the way he got angry for her doing the same thing he had been, at myself for never saying anything sooner, i got angry and he mustve realized his mistake because he had back up quite a bit and i cant remember what i said but i said something and he acted as to throw his mostly empty tea can at me and he didnt actually throw it but there was still tea it in and it splashed all over my shirt and some on my friend so i said fuck you and started walking away then he said something and i just flipped him off as i kept going, my friend and the younger scout followed and halfway back to camp i felt bad about kinda living her with him so i stopped to let them catch up and we finished the walk together and i sat with a bunch of friends that had gathered but i kept thinking about it and was getting upset so i ended up going to my tent and thinking more on it and crying so i texted him asking what happened and can we talk because that was not like him at all and i know he was already having a bad night but what the fuck and i had already changed for bed but we meet up anyway and talked for a few hours where i learned for the first time that he thought all those times we hung out the year prior were dates when i thought they were just hanging out but we wound up holding hands and getting into shenangines and planning a day for me to see his town and everything was alright again

later in june i visit his town and meet his mom and his dog and see his dads shop (i had already met his dad at scout weekends) and we got had dinner at his favorite place and they gave us this strawberry dessert because hes friends with the owners and they thought we were on a date and afterwards we got boba, my first time, and we walked around his town more bc its adorable and we met up with his one friend and we took his friend home then he took me home and it was really fun

well july i was in italy and i got stuck in portugal by myself on my way home and it was only my third trip on a plane and my first time ever international and i was really upset for a while about it and was on the phone with a bunch of different people, one being him and i stayed up most of the night that i was stuck there and he was talking to me for a lot of it which kept me calm really but at one point he had asked me where my bf was and why i wasnt talking to him and i didnt give him an answer but in actuality i didnt want my bf to worry and had told him i was going to sleep, i knew that even if he was worried about me he wouldnt worry to me and would talk to me and keep me calm exactly like he did i could trust him to do that, i couldnt trust that bf to

a few days after that i had gotten full of it, of him being childish and weird about the bf, for months he had been calling the bf "that boy" or "that guy" or anything but his name really and he had been ending conversations right after he was mentioned and i was sick of it, i was sick of walking on eggshells around him so i asked him to call me and i was prepared to tell him that he had to get over it or we couldnt be friends because i refused to keep part of myself hidden just to make him comfortable and all this and really i talked a big game and i had felt all of that in the moment but when we actually got on that call he started talking first and he had said that he knew he was being childish and a dick but he couldnt be just friends with me at the time, he didnt know how, and i was crying but i agreed because i didnt know what else to do and we decided that we would just be scout friends, we could talk about scout stuff since we were both still involved but we couldnt hang out anymore and we couldnt talk all the time anymore and we kind of cut eachout out of our lives and that sucked, i hated it, he was one of my best friends and all the sudden we werent friends at all but i was still thinking of him, i had gotten him something from italy and when my family visited seneca falls in august i got him a pamphlet and i had a bunch of things for him but i couldnt give them to him so i ended up writing a letter, but i didnt take a picture of the letter and i dont remember what was in it but i know on the back i had written "im sorry i cant love you the way you want me to" because i did love him just not romantically and it was hurting me to lose him but i still wanted him to have the things i thought he would like so i sent him this little package of stuff with the letter

i heard nothing about it until like december, at which point i had since broken up with the bf, and we had talked a few short times but nothing even within a hundred miles from how we used to so nothing really changed, i think we called once but it was just talking about scout stuff

so when i was home for spring break in march, the very last day before i went back to school i went to a court of honor, it was for the girl who made the joke back in june and had been his director at summer camp that same year, so were both good friends with her and were both there, it was the first time i had seen him since that time in june and the first time i really talked to him since that time in august so it wasnt much but we had gotten a little back since we were in person and we made some of the same kind of jokes and we had talked about our lives and everything but we didnt fully snap back to how we were, we only started regularly talking again at the beginning of this month and it wasnt the frequency or familiarity we used to have

now, this weekend was another scout event, a full year since i got my brotherhood, 11 months since the june event, and nine months since we basically cut ties, we shouldve known

he didnt get to camp until friday afternoon because he was at a friends prom the night before but once he got settled in he was with my committee, the one im in charge of, and he was helping out and hanging out and basically with me the rest of the day, including dinner where he asked me to save him a seat and ice cream after where the four main people of my committee went out and the several hours afterward that we had talked

so after ice cream, the one person in my committee went to sleep since the three of us had gotten up at 5am, its important to note that i couldnt for the life of me fall asleep that night and ended up getting about 45 minutes of sleep total, but we got back to camp around 11:30 and went to the dining hall to hang out for a bit where three of our other friends were, we all talked for a while and things between us had fallen into our usual pocket of jokes and nudges and talking and it was like nothing had ever happened, well eventually people petered off and probably around two or three am it was just the two of us in the dining hall and we kept talking, hes one of my best friends and i trust him entirely and i hadnt been able to tell him anything in months so both of us had poured the last nine months into a couple hours and again ended up holding hands and it was similar to the june night and i around 4:15ish which was when i had fallen asleep the night before, i started falling asleep on him, so he suggested going back to go to sleep and it had been pouring for hours and got windy enough that it shook the dining hall windows and i was so worried that my little $20 3oz tent from amazon was going to be soaked so instead of walking all the way there for it to be wet and me to walk back to bear paw lodge to sleep in an unused room, we just went to bear paw, and i was so damn tired and i just took my shoes off, took my rainjacket off, took the hard objects out of my pockets and laid down, he had brought in two sweatshirts, one for him and one for me, and something else to use as a pillow and we just went to sleep, i was out like immediately and only really woke up when his alarm went off for seven thirty something

i remember the time being 4:43 a bit before going to sleep so i got a bit less than three hours that night, but i was in bear paw, bear paw was housing males for the weekend, scouts bsa is very particular about males and females sleeping apart and gets into age ranges and everything, they are very serious about sleeping arrangments and i was very seriously not supposed to be there, so, like any good teen movie, i was snuck out the back, the second that door closed i look up to see two of the girls from the site i was staying in, they didnt say a thing to me but i clearly was not supposed to be where i was and all the girls in my site knew that i was not in my tent for wake up and i havent yet got in trouble for not being there so i dont think they told any adults so thats nice but also it was a bit embarrassing because i knew that i hadnt done anything but they didnt and i couldnt tell them without admitting i did something wrong, also theyre like two and three years younger than me and might not understand i dont know them that well im not sure but i said nothing and as far as i know, they said nothing but one of them is very close with one of my other best friends whos tent was next to mine and who was the first to know i wasnt there that morning and who had driven me to camp and who is the number one Not Fan of the friend that i was with, so when shes upset with me that day i think i might know why, we still havent talked about it but hopefully will when i see her tomorrow

so her and her boyfriend had given me a ride to camp and they usually do and they always say its not a problem and that they actually like doing it but theyre friends with this one guy whos birthday it was yesterday and they wanted to stop for lunch with him and do a birthday thing and all this and i dont like that guy that much and i really just wanted to go home, shower, and take a goddamn nap, remember that i got approximately 3.5 hours of sleep total that weekend so i was not in the mood to play nice for lunch and wait an additional hour or two hour to go to sleep and i was complaining about this to him and he said him and his dad could probably take me home because im on the way and theyre not really planning on stopping anywhere but i didnt want to ditch my best friend for the guy she hates so i said let me talk to her, maybe, and i asked if they were still going to lunch saying i was really tired and just wanted to go home so i might go with him and his dad but i just said their last name because its less of a mention of him and idk but i could tell she was upset even before i said anything so i was asking what was wrong and she said she didnt want to talk about it she didnt want to lash out, i should just go with them, i tried to press she said the same thing and i left with them

today he texts me saying hes been feeling conflicted and do i think hanging out again is a good idea and i asked to call so there wasnt so much stress on getting the words right and everything ya know things are just easier to understand straight from someones mouth and really we've gotten no solutions and only ended the call because i promised someone else i would call when they got off work but we know that we cant do that not talking thing again and thats all we know

hes telling me he wants to be there supporting me as i go through things and wants to hear me rant about womens rights and wants to tell me everything and hes telling me that im important to him and that he really cares about me but he doesnt expect, nor want, me to change anything to be with him and im just now realizing how much this reminds me of gilberts letter to anne but either way it would make an incredible love letter except for the fact that i dont love him that way and i never have but at the same time theres this magnetic quality to him that no matter how angry i get or how much time has passed i keep going back to him and we fall into this same dance and everyones asking if were dating or when we will because of the way we look at each other and have conversations with those looks and the inside jokes and how ill lean on him or him on me or how we inevitably end up holding hands and its not in an intertwined way its usually like how regency couples would hold hands or how one might take up the offer to dance and i always end up close to him both physically and emotionally and i dont understand how i can be not attracted to him and magnatised to him at the exact same time and i cant help but feel that if i was any other girl i would say soulmates, i would say theyre in love your honor, i would say just kiss already but i havent ever felt that sort of attraction to him and i feel bad because i can tell, for the first time ever, i can tell exactly how he feels by the way hes speaking, the way he wants to tell me everything and the way he wants to tell his best friend everything is not the same way, he doesnt want to show his town off to me he wants to show me off to his town, he told his friend that everything he does is better when im there, the prom he went to was with a friend of a friend and they made a deal that they would go to each others proms but he had an awful time with her, the friend saying he should take me so hes guaranteed to have fun, hes tried going out with other girls and they just arent for him, i cant help but feel horribly selfish for not wanting to let him go while i know i must be hurting him

#i dont know what to do #i dont even have half of an answer #i need help #if i had a therapist i would be telling them this #also this took me like two or three hours to write #so i wouldnt be able to get through the whole story in one therapy session #let alone talk out a solution