#i dont want to know what would happen bc i know it cant be anything good

[skitskatdacat63]

I know it would literally never happen, but whenever the speculation of who the next James Bond will be comes up, I can only think about how I would sell my soul to get a butch lesbian James Bond 😣

#cause people are always arguing against having a female 007 bcs it would change too much #okay so why not just swap her gender and change nothing else 😌 #i realized when writing this post tho that my one oc is literally my concept for a lesbian james bond 😭 #butch lesbian womanizer who wears suits all the time and smokes/drinks too much and loves money and weapons #i think about this every once in a while and i want it so badly but it will literally never happen #please she would be so masc and cool and sexy #i dont know if i necessary like the idea of making a new chara to be 007 #but like....female James Bond but nothing else changes 👀 #im trying to fall asleep and i can only envision various scenes from casino royale but w my version of james bond #pls she could be jamie bond!!! #sorry this is completely random and probably nonsensical but it haunts me so often #every time i rewatch casino royale im like man...espionage movies are cool! and then start fantasizing about female james bond #the names bond. jamie bond. #maybe i will draw it sometime #just not sure how id design her bcs as i said my brain cant help but be a bit stuck on my oc that fits pretty well #but seriously. they wouldnt even have to change anything! #like they have all the jokey pun names for women...guess what. even more opportunities #but like gahhhhhh i think about a masc woman in the bond movies ive watched and im like wow i would enjoy this movie substantially more! #like the shower scene in casino royale........ #i cant even rly bring myself to watch bond movies older than the daniel craig ones bcs the objectification and misogyny bothers me too much #but imagining a masc woman in their place 👀 i am on board! #imagining her with bond girls 😳😳😳😳😳 #sorry again: super random but it is late please forgive me #catie.rambling.txt

[homophyte]

it is interesting to me that ive seen lately (n yknow this is subjective and likely not any real social force just what ive seen) many queer people simultaneously talking about taking back and embodying unpalatable and ‘unmarketable’ queerness (the recent return to the terms faggot and transsexual come to mind) which i think is pretty evidently shaped by the conservative moment were in of demonizing queer ppl and especially gnc and trans people as predators--it reads as a return to queer isolationism in the face of external hostility, imo--while at the same time ive seen a lot of rallying around the “original” 6 stripe rainbow flag as opposed to any of the purportedly ‘factional’ flags of different queer identities, with the assumption being different identity flags divide us while the rainbow flag encompasses everyone and its kinda fascinating to me bc the rainbow flag is probably the single most marketable and palatable and uncontroversial symbols of queerness which has been seamlessly uptaken by those who wish to sell it back to us as gets pointed out every pride month with all the cringey pride merch.... i dunno you could maybe take that as a point of hypocrisy and claim the queer community is itself in a conservative moment rn where its returning to a sense of history and historical continuity (perhaps even out of that sense of external threat) or even that the queer community has for some time been in a conservative moment given the like, decade of identity discourse and lashing out at any people deemed to not have a sufficiently established history or however we should categorize the bihets/ace discourse/transtrender-tucute discourse/pan discourse/bi lesbians discourse (because lets be frank its essentially all the same discourse just keeping up its momentum by leapfroging from one target to the next) which i think is, like, SOMEWHAT true but not entirely? its more interesting to me, in any case, as an expression of a conflict the queer community is facing given that current state of affairs RE antitransness and that very recent history. like, the simultaneous need to retreat to a safe sense of community which is welcoming to the very things the outer world is demonizing ie mutable gender, complex or contradictory experiences of gender, gender expression which is hostile to the cis binary, but also the ways in which it has to grapple with those discourses which have largely defined the community infighting for again the past decade. its queer people begging the question ‘how can we make the queer community welcoming to the girlfags and genderfucks and tboys who are being threatened when we have spent so much time making the queer community a hostile place for anyone with a non-conventional or not easily (or even just palatably) sortable sense of queer identity’. and the answer it seems to be grappling with at the moment is like, welcoming all that diversity of experience but being absolutely averse to naming it. yes we love all the fuckery with gender and sexuality never be marketable but like, ew, why are you calling yourself [insert microlabel here]. you can be genderweird but you cant call yourself genderweird. you can only exist as queer in the broadest possible way (the all-inclusive gay pride flag!) but if you try to name the specifics or use those identity labels weve been fighting over for years youre doing it wrong (the progress pride flag is now ugly and cringey and ‘too much’). i think theres something also to the way (at least on this site) transmisogynistic discourses have really taken hold as legitimate (though yknow i wont downplay how much a problem transmisogyny has like. always been in queer spaces no matter what) in the name of protecting n defending trans people. like its just regurgitated transmisogyny but its being mobilized supposedly in the service of helping trans people. idk its definitely getting a little late for me to string this together fully coherently but theres a throughline there, in the ways certain ideas are being consolidated and reified as ‘yes were more progressive now!’ when i think theres definitely something to question there in terms of like...are we? are we actually? are we doing better by the people were trying to help or are we setting strict standards and forcing ppl to adhere to them again?

#myposts #this is long and honestly probably Nothing #i dont even really have a way of proving its the same group of people saying both things except fro anecdotally seeing it #and even thats not proof either is a real social force with like power. i could be entirely wrong on every count here #but i do think theres something to the idea that like #as ive seen said #yknow 'ace discourse never ended you all just accepted ace people didnt deserve support and then moved on w those views internalized' #i think thats more broadly true for like. all those discourses i mentioned. and for the transmisogyny i alluded to #but honestly i dont even want to name the specific phenomenon im talking abt there bc those people. scare me. #but yknow ill say it ive felt way more pressure lately to not call myself pan than i did at the height of pan discourse #before it became cringe to care about it and instead of actively shitting on pan ppl we moved on to passively doing it #ive largely started just. calling myself bi to avoid the arguement. which i predicted i would have to do years ago #and now look at me doing it! not really a fluke that its happening now. i think #which isnt to say were moving 'backwards' per se but that these ideas are not now and never have been really challenged #so weve just internalized their logics--reactionary logics--and its having an interesting effect now that we need a progressive community #for our safety. #now we cant say anything about it because to bring it up is jeopardizing everything weve built and the people were keeping safe! #cause we dont count as people deserving of safety were disruptors who only belong when we dont make noise. idk. or thats how i feel #again i dont really know if this is true at all im more just...thinking through it i think #basically like what im seeing--i think--comes from simultaneously that need to be unmarketable in the face of hostility #coming into conflict with a decade of momentum to make queers solely marketable. and i think thats producing some interesting--but sucky #--discourses in the current moment #last disclaimer that i might and am likely totally wrong! okay lauren out. post send *nervous sweating*

[melto]

something just like snapped in the back of my head like i Need to go like curl up in my room for like 5 days and play video games and not speak to like anyone

#^ guy who is not out of a depressive ep like he thought he sorta was #dont even like particularly feel the old urge of the anxiety/need to hurt my relationships like i used to..i just feel like shit. #short list of people i think i could handle like really speaking to rn but ultimately. i just want to be somewhere safe and easy #even if that feeling is like making me feel sorta suicidal still. #just dont have it in me to like figure out how to act normal right now. something i have to do around most people and nearly everyone #i intreact with irl right now #not healthy. Ofc naturally i know this. and i can push through it. im just not excited about it. #the exhaustion to like contain myself is greater than my lonliness even though that is rather large #and i would like to get this out of my system before like. the semester starts next week. which i know i cant like control but whatever #this is all sooooo stupid. i need to be alone but i need compaionship of someone i trust. #it feels like there is glue in my mouth and i can barely speak to people im not close with bc of how exhausted and anxious i am #man. thearpy is like. going to really . idk. probably not help my mood. bc it has been hard for me to word what has been happening to me #and im always so scared of saying something that will get me hosptizaled again. Even when it shouldnt. bc im not going to do anything. #but i am scared and tired simply. and while so much has gotten better and ive gotten so much better there are some things that i just. #cant seem to figure out how to fix or ask for help. whatever. Guy who is stupid and helpless and will have to just get over it at some poin #sry i just feel like shit. i should probably just eat something i havent been eating much. and then i will probably feel a bit better #news with isaac

[fleshdyke]

ahsgsjaugejwjg

#sh/sui warning for tags #been having a shit day and just not feeling great overall and usually drinking water and eating helps but it hasnt today :/ #which means its an Actual Problem this time. like i knew it was an actual problem when i fucking cut AGAIN but idk #idk man. im just so so so scared of my friends hating me #and i know i have to see my partner again bc she is the one and only person that never ever makes me feel safe and unjudged and everything #but idk. as of right now im just not havin a great time. #like its actually so stupid the things i get upset about. there was some motivational speaker at my school today and when we got called down #to go watch the presentation i had to take like five seconds to grab my bag and phone from my desk #and my two friends got up and left together without waiting for me #and i know it wasn’t their intention and they weren’t trying to be mean or anything but man. doesnt make it hurt less yk. #and i saw some post from a guy in my school of him and his friends in the cafeteria and idk why but it made me so sad. it made me think abt #one time my friends said they wanted to walk around at lunch so i was like ok i’ll eat alone that’s fine bc i’m too disabled to walk around #the school. and then someone sent me a pic of them all eating together in the cafeteria. and i know they probably just stopped there for a #second and weren’t purposely ignoring me or anything but man that did not help yk #i want to leave them alone bc they never seem to want to talk to me but im trying to tell myself its just my mind but its so hard to #and i do love my friends and im making them seem a lot worse here than they are but its just. god im so scared. #idk. i dont actually want to die but i wish i could kms like. temporarily. #i know this is bad and manipulative but i just cant shake the want to know what would happen if i did yk. and this is a terrible train of #thought but like i want my friends to realize how scared this makes me and if i have to kms to do that. idk. #ive brought it up to them before and they pretty much told me to eat with someone else and i said i didnt have any other friends and they #kind of just said not my problem. so i dont want to bring it up again bc im mature enough to deal with my own issues and shit #it’s just hard man. i dont know how im supposed to communicate w them bc everything feels like im traumadumping on them and i dont want to #bother them. im trying to convince myself its not an issue and it doesnt actually bother me but i know it does bc i just fucking relapsed #and i had a city council thing in class today and i was the only person that was denied any funding at all and i was trying not to take it #personally and i was doing pretty good but i told my mom about it and she started defending the ppl that refused me anything and then it was #suddenly personal to me for some reason. its stupid and i know that but god that doesnt make it any better #rambles #vent

[cryptidapprentice]

literally why the hell am i always so anxious to call out of work

#marine myths rambles #like... worst that could happen is they fire me for calling out too much. but then i get to find a new job (is not too fond of current job) #(mostly bc of how the higher ups treat their employees. i actually quite like most of my coworkers n the actual work isnt tht bad sometimes) #(i just think the owners dont fkn know how to properly compensate or take care of their employees. its kinda wack. anyways.) #i guess i just need more ways to say tht i cant come into work bc i feel like im repetitive #literally as i was typing the last tag i got a message asking abt when i can make up the hours. like... #i offered a day tht works for me but apparently not for them bc its too many hrs for me in one week?? idk but im just like. #what do u want me to say. im already working extra days bc i was asked to. n u want me to make up the hrs im missing??? huh??? #imagine if i quit rn. (i wouldnt bc id rather have another job lined up before leaving my current job if possible. but the thought is There) #anyways off topic as all hell but im thinking abt changing my url should i just do it n not say anything? would anyone care even?? lmao #would love to hear any thoughts and opinions (abt both the url and my work sitch if uve got em tbh)

[toytulini]

If you get the urge to say shit on this post, consider: dont. not looking to engage in a dialogue about this, i will block you

i know this isnt whats gonna happen but god id love to learn nothing about that new hp show. i dont want to hear shit. not even about how bad it is. tmi. dont curse me with that info. why do you know how bad it is. why are you telling me. go look up a weird bug on wikipedia. or dont. dont tell me about it. dont put it on my dash.

#toy txt post #i know thats not whats going to happen tho. i know my dash will be flooded with gifs and screencaps and ppl who #maybe they didnt hatewatch it piracy or otherwise. maybe ill be generous. maybe they read an episode synopsis on wikipedia #and theyre telling us about all the new bad dumb shit theyre doing #and then we're all gonna get mad and spread it and talk about it nonstop #to shame everyone into not watching it #but like in order for this info to get out. one of you watched it. whyd you do that. whyd you tell me about it #and i know for my contrarian friends my wording it like this is making you want to watch it out of spite. its making it sound like #tasty fun spicy forbidden knowledge #no its just gonna be the same dumb stupid boring shit. maybe with an added dash of heinous transphobia antisemitism and racism etc #for gods sake go read a goddamn harry potter fanfiction instead #just dont put it on my fucking dash #im so ready for us to be done with this terfy fuck. for her to be irrelevant. i think thats what would hurt her most. she found a way #to thrive on the controversy shes feeding off the negative attention #and im not saying like dont call her out like i get we have to do that like i Get It i Know #that we cant afford to just ignore her bc shes literally using her billions to influence laws in the uk to hurt ppl #like i know #but god just imagine how much it would suck for her to wake up and nobody fucking cares either way #not mad at her anymore just Done. shes irrelevant #drop her. go do literally anything else #imagine how nice it would be if she puts a show out and nobody talks about it good or baf #bad*. and then theyll be less likely to do more. bc they cant count on it being clickbait that ppl are getting heated about #cos i think this is just. shes in her cancelled comedian netflix special era. shes getting specials about being cancelled and shes Only #getting them bc shes 'cancelled' cos if ppl didnt feel strongly about her good OR BAD it wouldnt get clicks it wouldnt get attention #i wish we could afford to do this i wish ppl would just be fucking allies to trans and jewish ppl about this #im so tired #anyway. ill leave reblogs on this for now. if anyone fucks up they get turned off

[lesbianyosano]

legitimately what the fuck was that

#ig im dissapointed lmao #sorry most of it i just kind of expected (bram regaining his body and stopping the vampires. fyodor dying bc there isnt really anything els #you can do with him. dazai and chuuya both alive) #mostly i wish aya awakened an ability give her oneee also i want to see how they manifest #idk we'll see soon where this goes ig but 1. i really wish fukuzawa had just died alongside fukuchi and 2. that there would be some calmer #chapters more focused on political repercussions rather than more fighting but the 2 hours later thing isnt really pointing to that huh #ill have to reread this arc at some point bc fukuchis and fyodors plan got so convoluted i was barely following it #and also 1. what abt sigma do they just. leave her there #i mean surely not bc she has info on fyodor but dazai really just did not care #and 2. yeah i wish fukuzawa died but now that he didnt. does he???? just keep the one order #and wheres that fucking page #and whats exactly on it #bc i dont think they can just rewrite anything 1. they dont know how much space is on it and theyll need a lot to fix this mess #2. god knows if they even can do anything or if theres some condition written in already thatd stop them #also asagiri for the love of god get into anticapitalism bc you cant just go into criticing states and military without talking about it #and i still need the hunting dogs dead even if i know its likely not going to happen #but how are you going to go all “absolute power corrupts” and “omg fukuci dont create a military state” and then just leave the super cops #running around and getting redeemed bc “they mean well” yeah they do but it doesnt matter #they are complicit in the state violence THEY ARE state violence #asagiri pls i can show you theory you havent even dreamed of #txt.

[berrymeter]

see it's really fucking hard to know if it's my pms symptoms worsening everything for me or not bc there's always some fucking shit happening right before i get my period there's always something ready to make me spiral into fucking layers upon layers of mental illness always something here to remind me my friends probably fucking hate me & are only humouring me because they have to ohhh i am so fortunate to love life as much as i do

#perth.txt #and i cant do anything to distract myself from the thoughts bc theres jsut NOTHING going on #i owe so much shit i dont want to do things that make me happy until im done with them & working on them wouldnt help me at all #if it didnt hurt me i would absolutely bash my head into a wall right now why does this always happen to me #what the fuck do i do wrong for this to happen to me so much. what the fuck am i doing wrong. #i cant fucking know bc no one fucking tells me anything #im so tired & sad & upset & nothing can go right for me so it wont. cool

[youngestdaughtersyndrome]

sitting in bed eating cheese absolutely stewing

#so im doing the dishes and heard a knock on the door right. and bc both my parents r downstairs i answer it #and guess fucking what? its the guy i literally switched out of french to avoid because he kept asking me super invasive questions #so im like What the fuck do u want. and he starts this whole pity story about how he was soooo worried when i kept disappearing from school #and how id sometimes come back with bruises and never explained anything to him so he had 'no choice' but to FIND MY ADDRESS and check in #his words btw. this boy told me to my FACE that me having a private life FORCED him to stalk me to my fucking home #and i just saw RED. good thing is that when i get mad i get icy and brutal so i spent five minutes telling this thick skulled idiot that #he has no right to know anything abt me that i didnt tell him and you know what he does???? #this audacious motherfucker says Lets not do this on the porch. and then tries to push his way into my fucking house. thats a hard no for me #so i told him exactly what was gonna happen: he was either going to get off my property and stay away from me or i would call the cops #and remove him by force. id like to say that i literally said he had ten seconds to leave or id start throwing punches #and he goes .... Cant we just talk abt this 🥺??? so i break his nose. and i was within my legal rights to do so bc he was trespassing soooo #yeah anyways i just cannot fucking BELIEVE the entitlement and audacity of some ppl. like its my fucking life i dont have to tell u shit !!! #what the fuck!!! why do they always think im playong hard to get like ffs leave me ALONE #so that was my night 😙✌️ i hope he dies ! #hollyws

[strwbrymlkshake]

Why can't I be satisfied with everything? It needs to be perfect to me and I can't accept anything otherwise :(

#mine #oh boy here we go. guy last post was about has been pretty cool and i got flustered around him a few times #but i feel bad bc. i need m o r e he isnt insane enough he isnt making me go absolutely crazy i want to be satisfied but im NOT im sorry #like its quite honestly the most attention acceptance etc ive gotten but its not ENOUGH he doesnt die whenever i send a selfie #im never satisfied WHY i have unrealistic expectations !!!! i hate my brain killing and violence and death etc #i get crushes on guys who want nothing to do with me but then when one actually wants me its not enough? what is wrong with me #thrill of the chase? i cant accept being loved? what is it brain. christ almighty. im not doing anything like deliberately yandere related #anymore im just being generally incomprehensibly mentally ill 🙄 still trying to find a therapist but idk how on earth ill explain that #ill update this post tomorrow with more insanity but for now i am the sleepy tired #// ok its now 3 days later i dont feel like making another post. i think i was just having a mental illness moment as always #because he does make me insane. hashtag girl. im trying to be the smartest and calculated i have ever been with a relationship in my life #like im thinkin about it so hard bro. the future n shit. how would this relationship go. im so scared ill do something wrong its preventing #me from doing things RIGHT. im sad becaude i flipped out today over even imagining him being upset with me a little #so i was really embarrassed and it put me in a weird mood for the rest of the night but he reassured me he doesnt hate me or want me to die #every one aaalways says theyre different. i can only hope this one is telling the truth. i dont know what ill do if he isnt. #well i need to stop whining about fictional scenarios and focus on the good stuff in reality. i get along with him very well and he #is very niceys to me :3 he doesnt think im fucking insane or stupid for overreacting. i feel very comfortable gossiping and talking w him #every long time blog viewer of mine reading this like ah shit here we go again #but thats what im here for. i guess. just have to keep doing this shit until something good finally happens to me romantically hngh #i feel so strange because i have wanted and yearned for a relationship but now that i actually could have one im like WAIT #I DIDNT THINK ID GET THIS FAR 💀💀💀 bruh. and he doesnt even think im stupid hes respectful to me he checks in on me all the time #like perhaps the only person to ever actually almost match my energy in a romantic sense. there was [redacted] i guess but he didnt love me #he listens to me talk about my problems he doesnt think i complain or overreact too much. all the ridiculous cringe shit i do #he doesnt mind it. its nice to be able to be myself. and im really proud of myself for not rushing into a relationship right away

[semercury]

.

#stuff sarah says #everything is so complicated and i dont want to be alive #i dont want to die. i just dont want to be alive. theres a difference #like im fine. i wont do anything about it. just the heavy weight in my chest of wow i wish i didnt exist so bad rn #i hate people looking at me and drawing their own conclusions #and like. nothings happened. but people could start to hate me. they could. out of nowhere #and a lot of them would have a 'good' reason to. bc i dont know the answers #i dont know anything!!! i don't know what the right answer is but things feel off and wrong and i dont like it!!! #leave me alone dont look at me dont ask me my opinion dont look at me dont look at me dont look at me #im gonna go to my dr appt on monday and deal with the stupid mental health quiz and not know the answers #bc like yes i imagine what if i was dead a lot. im fine tho. its a normal thing for me #everybody just wishes they didnt exist. ive yet to meet someone who hasnt #have i lost interest in the things i used to enjoy or am i afraid something bad will happen if i do them? who's to say??? #and unfortunately i cant do the 'can we skip this im in therapy im fine' thing anymore bc im not in therapy anymore #and i get to say no im not finding a new one. you think im gonna open myself up like that to a stranger? #but yeah. i think id be better off if i ran away into the wilderness #ill keep a journal and when i inevitably die to the elements it can be published like that one guy #im so scared of everyone all the time. i dont want people seeing me anymore

[jvzebel-x]

🦋

#LMAO I FUCKING CANT. #so missionaries came to my doorstep-- which is literally just hilarious. even more hilarious? one of them was from hawaii. #they ask about my religion&i tell them bc i dont see any point not to&the yt man speaking to me tells me #he was a surfer back in the day so--&this is a literal quote-- 'i went to hawaii&heard it all as a haole on the beach' #remember this is literally entirely unprompted from a missionary who knocked on my door in response to my answering a question #about my religion. so why did this come up? probably the same reason that he then went to on to ask me what would happen if HE wanted #to join my religion&when i answer 'you would probably have to handle that yourself as religion is entirely personal' #he literally stands there w no answer before going 'well our church accepts EVERYONE no matter what theyve done' #&--again this is a direct quote-- 'we have ppl who have done blood sacrifices to their ancestors who have found the REAL god' LMAO. #he then started talking about how the neighboring apartment complex has a primarily east european community? #like with actual statistics bc appartently he just knows that the next apartment complex over is 80% yt immigrants? #not entirely sure how they had anything at all to do w anything so thats around when i stopped laughing openly at him #&told him my neighbors were coming up the stairs&i found taking up the entire staircase to be incredibly rude #so they needed to get the fuck out lmao&the missionary from hawaii-- who had said almost nothing the whole time lmao-- #wouldnt look me in the eye while telling me thank you for my time probably bc he now had to continue doing missionary work #w a man who spent a solid five minutes trying to prove im racist&exclusionay as a default #literally ONLY bc im hawaiian v traditional about it&proud as FUCK about all those facts #whiiiiich only made him look&sound. fucking TERRIBE lmao. #anyway its good to know that several hundreds of years later&a move away from my colonized home where yt missionaries destroyed my culture #i STILL cant fucking get away from yt missionaries&their ABHORRENT behaviour lmao. #i need to start checking who the fuck is at my door before opening it. #or at the v least start letting roxy just fucking tear ppl like this to shreds like she wants bc their vibes are so rank #my dog can't stand at my side w/o her ridge going so far up she doesnt NEED to growl to get the point across lmao.

[n0ct0urn1quet]

hgonesly at this point i really do wish i could just say Fuck It and disappear off the face of the earth for a little bit bc honestly . i donot want to be alive

#2023 off to a banger start for me (got into an argument with my mom on new years about her bf reminding me of my abusive dad #and havent had peace or a good nights sleep since!!!!!!!!!!!) #i am absolutely fucking miserable and i just donot want to Do It anymore #i hate this house i hate the people i live with i hate this world and i hate everything thats happening to jme but i cant do anytihing #i cant do anything to Fix Anything i cant do anything abt my problems theres just so much Wrong With Me that i dont know how to fix #i dont know if i CAN fix most of the issues i have. i have so much ptsd and trauma from so many different things and its all just. hghg #and i want so badly to just let it out and talk to the people Around Me about it bc it is Serious and i shouldnt be just not talking about #it but. i just cant bring myself to Do That. i am constantly afraid that the people around me will be angry with me if i even so much as #speak up about the things that make me upset and its not their fault and its no ones fault but my own and i just dont know what to Do #im scared of confrontation and im worried that if i try to talk about it its gonna lead to an argument!!! i know it wouldnt but im terrifed #so id rather just not talk about it. which then leads to the problem not getting resolved because. fuck man im sure the people around me #know that somethings up but i never bring it up so therefore they never find out and it gets swept under the rug like all my other issues #i pride myself on being good at being emotional and being open but in reality i am emotional. yes. but not at all good at being open #ive never been good at it and i feel so BAD because like. yes i love you. yes i trust you and i know you would never ever be mad at me #for just talking about my feelings. i know this and i love you for it. but im so bad at conveying that. even though i trust you with mylife #im just bad at opening up. it does not matter how long we've known each other its just such a struggle for me to Be Open to anyone #of course its not much better that im coming to tumblr and puttign this here for 100+ people to see but just. i dont know #im mentally unstable ive never had good coping mechanisms and im the only person awake and everyone else that i usually vent to is asleep #so all my thoughts just get piled up into one messy little ball and it gets thrown to tumblr because i need somewhere to put them #im sorry. im exhausted. its been a long week and i wish i could just hybernate for the rest of the month and not interact with anyone #i just wish i could mvoe out and live with my gf and our cat. that is all i want and that is the only thing that would fix me

[apathyfairy]

age 0-18 is like i need to be older than i am now. i need to grow up so i can finally live my life. and age 19-21 is like ok i’m finally an adult but i don’t feel like it at all lol so..what am i supposed to do with my life ? and 22 and beyond is just feeling so old like you wasted your entire life and can’t relate to anyone and there’s nothing you can do about it at all

#i know im straight up wasting my life whatever that means and i literally cant remember the last 7 years because i did nothing #everything feels too late to start and i just feel like an idiot i feel like a literal baby whos never done anything ever before in the body #of like a 40 year old mother i have absolutely no concept of who i am or what is going on and i literally feel so old i want to kill myself #literally i see people my age and by see people i mean watch youtubers and im like ok theyre still young and then i think about myself and #im like lmao u are so old and u have no idea what is going on like i cant take much more of this. i think it's mostly because i spent my #whole life trying to be older because i was just never the right age for anything i always needed to be older for everything #and now i am and i missed my opportunities for everything i wanted to do and now im realizing i never took advantage of being young #and whatever midlife crisis i know but i just feel so out of it lately like im not even here and i just wasted my whole life and that's that #and yes midlife crisis not quarter life crisis because im not living much longer bc if i feel this way in my 20s i wont make it to #my late 30s #i just ! feel like i missed the part of my life where i do something good and can feel stable and like ok. ive lived some life and done this #and this and this and it's like no i havent. ive just been waiting for something to happen that's never going to happen and i dont even know #what the something i would be waiting for is but ive been waiting and nothing happens unless you do it yourself and i just waited too #long to figure that out and now im just a failure through and through #literally just dead weight floating around the universe

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#well it's now after midnight. i had abt an hr long total freak out. made a very bad life choice that is #almost absolutely garenteed to bite me in the ass very quickly. and i am no closer to decided if im going to this supid mini conference #tomorrow. i should go. my boss has implied that i should go. #so i should shut the fuck up and drive out there tomorrow morning and sit thru a bunch of annoying bullshit #and stop throwing a tantrum abt it. i do this literally anytime i have to attend something social #my body tries everything in its power to allow me to justify bailing. and its exhausting #like u cant just get out of things u dont wanna do by laying down and having a meltdown abt it #i mean. objectively the actions demonstrated were not those of a person fit to be on the road diving a vehicle on what is shaping up to be #less than 6hrs of sleep. but ya kno #and if i go tomorrow its literally all day. kike full on 8.30 to 5.30 and bbq starts #and i need to work on my presentation for thrusday. so id have to bail on the bbq bc i dont wanna fucking deal with that #and then my boss will be like: ur leaving 🥺 and ill feel bad bc anytimr i let the symptoms of my aflictions affect other ppl it just #feels selfish bc like. i know whats happening i dont have to let u get caught in the crossfire #but my brain is telling me i shouldnt go. but if i went it would prob be fine. i just dont want to #but i also dont wanna txt my boss at like 6am like heyyyy so fyi im not coming again today bc... like i dont even kno #bc anxiety i guess. but like boohoo shut the fuck up. if i listened to every anxious voice in myvhead id never #do anything... and i dont do anything. but i shouldn't listen to those voices. but i also shouldnt drive on a lack of sleep #idk i just wanna txt my bosss like: how much do u want me to go? bc ill do it if u make me #but i also might have a breakdown afterwards so like i maybe wanna avoid that? #idk i should sleep. we'll see what happens in the morning i guess #unrelated