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manicpixiefelix · 3 months

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he wanted to be in love (but you got in the way)

{ One-Shot for head, heart, hand. }

Summary: When Oliver's lies are revealed to you and Felix, you have a much better time understanding his reasoning for it all, and Oliver convinces you to help talk Felix around into hopefully forgiving him. Felix, however, just grows more frustrated as it appears that you've very quickly moved on from the betray, and are urging him to do so too. Meanwhile, Oliver has come to realise that no matter the outcome, Felix will never really want anyone else if he has you by his side.

Need to Know: They/Them. Explicitly NB Reader. FWB!Reader/Felix. Reader is from a well off family but has pretty much been adopted by the Cattons.

Warnings: death (YOU DIE IN THIS ONE), murder via overdose, oliver's birthday party situation, oliver being incredibly manipulative, reader and felix arguing a lot, felix being a bit of a dick, angst with an unhappy ending, toxic felix/oliver endgame, heavy drinking and drug use

{ now with an epilogue }

A/N: 6267 words. ooft ouch ooft my heart. i dont like reader & fi fighting and this whole thing fucked me up bigtime. like bigtime bigtime. big angst, please heed the warnings. what do you think about this one? i like it even if it made me cryyyy

TAGLIST IN COMMENTS!! // TAGLIST ALWAYS OPEN ! (just message or comment to be added)

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"Please," Oliver's lip trembles when he grabs your sleeve. He doesn't try and chase Felix after you all get back from the disastrous trip to his parents' house, perhaps part of him knew he wouldn't get through to him in this state, so he latches on to you instead, "you- you know," and even just the helpless sense of desire in his voice is familiar to you, "I just wanted to be his friend, be your friend; be close to you both -" Oliver's fidgeting with your sleeve and your heart's breaking for him, despite the betrayal of his lies.

"Ollie-" you sighed, but he took both your hands in his, tears gathering in the beautiful blue eyes you've come to care so deeply about in the past year.

"I never meant any harm," he insists. His hands are shaking.

"I know, Ollie," you finally concede, giving his hands a gentle squeeze.

"He won't listen to me- won't believe me; please, please, I need you to believe me, I need Felix -" and though he can't seem to finish the request, it's enough. The lies he's told, what they mean for the friendship you've all forged, it makes you feel more than a little queasy, but you think you understand him. At least better than Felix would in this moment.

"I'll try," though your tone doesn't inspire confidence, "just give him space, give him time -"

"I don't have time," Oliver croaks out weakly, gave dropping to the floor, "he'll throw me out tomorrow and never look at me again," this time, when his grip on your hands tightens, it becomes almost painful, face scrunching up as if dreading the tears he was about to shed, the things he was about to say; "and even if you don't hate me the way he does, I'll be losing you too."

Your silence speaks volumes. You hate that he's right.

"You know you're the only hope I've got left." Oliver's nails dig into your skin, but your hands don't shake.

"I will try, that's all I can do."

By the time you get to your room, Felix is already cutting up lines of coke with a delicate little razor from one of the various stashes you and the other wards of the Saltburn Estate had hidden throughout the building over the years. He doesn't look up when you enter, quietly, and furiously focused on the task at hand, cross-legged in the middle of your bed.

Sitting behind him, you lean in to press your forehead between his shoulders, sighing deeply.

"Yeah," Felix mumbles, "it's a bit like that, isn't it?"

Squeezing your eyes closed, all you can see is the love and desperation in OIiver's eyes as he'd held you back, begged for your understanding, forgiveness, friendship -

"You never loved someone so much you'd do anything to keep them around?" You asked softly, and feel Felix go still, "you never lied about your family because you were worried about how people would react if they knew the truth?" The more you consider, the less anger you feel towards what Oliver had done.

"You're different," Felix's voice is carefully neutral. There's a pause, a snort, a line of white powder going up his nose, "you didn't pretend that your dad died just to get sympathy out of me," he points out, already picking at the threads of similarity that you'd laid before him in hopes of softening the betrayal he felt so strongly.

Then he's moving again, doing things you're still not sure of, forehead still pressed to the fabric of his shirt between his shoulders. Sighing, louder this time, you go to say something more, to try and argue your case further, but Felix cuts you off. It's the sharpest he's ever been with you, you think, practically orders you not to talk about this anymore.

Then, he shifts, he reaches for you behind himself, and you move with him, without prompting. Felix leans back, and you move to his side, allow yourself to settle your head on his chest, looking up at him. One hand loosely draped over you, Felix tucks his other behind his head, eyes closed; even if they were open, he wouldn't be looking at you.

"Just shut up about Ollie, just shut up -" his tone is much softer now, but his words still bite more than you're used to, "I don't want to hear anything about fucking Oliver Quick right now." There's a nausea twisting in your gut that you're unfamiliar with, heavy and upsetting, that you somehow know has everything to do with Felix's tone. Part of you feels so embarrassed for even feeling like this, for being so wrapped up in pleasing him that even the slightest hint of disapproval for the first time in years has you so viscerally uncomfortable.

The other part of you ducks your gaze, and curls up against his side, obedient.

"Sure, Fi."

A long silence, softened only by Felix's deep breathing for several long moments before you finally feel him relax.

"I love you," it sounds almost like an apology. You wonder if he knows how to do that. Still, the nausea in your gut immediately begins to clear. This time, when you close your eyes, you try to just be present in the moment for what it is, Felix's arm around you, his steady heartbeat warm beneath your ear; you can find contentment here if you tried.

Much to your chagrin, Felix's mood and feelings of betrayal also meant he was no longer interested in the full costume you'd put together for him for Oliver's birthday party. He's well aware his mother would be appalled if he just showed up in jeans and a shirt, so he reluctantly pulls on the wings you'd spray painted up on the roof a few days before.

"I put time into this, Fi," you pleaded softly, looking at the rest of the costume you'd put together hanging sadly, untouched in his wardrobe.

"Maybe I just want to save it for a happy occasion," Felix refused to even sit down at the dresser, despite where you'd neatly set out both of your accessories for the night. He doesn't even spare the various, gold accoutrements that you'd curated for his costume a second glance, simply fusses with his hair in a way that won't even last.

"You're being ridiculous about this," you finally voice, unable to stop yourself, "he's still Our Oliver, his family doesn't change that -"

Felix goes still in the mirror, expression displeased when he meets your eyes in the reflection. Nausea again. You never want him to look at you like this ever again; you half want to apologise already.

"I don't care about his family, I care about how I don't know if I can believe anything he says! He lied to you, to me, he was clearly lying to his family, considering they have no idea he'd be nothing but a fucking joke at uni if it wasn't for me!" The outburst blindsides you, it seems to even blindside Felix, who has to take a few moments to compose himself before he can look you in the eyes again. Softly, that look of betrayal is turned upon you, "how can you be okay with that?"

A million answers blow through your mind - love, compartmentalisation, hypocrisy - but none feel right. There's no way for you to justify this to Felix, at least, not one that would make him happy, make him understand.

"Our Oliver-" but as he's standing, he cuts himself off, shaking his head, "Your Oliver -" but the words get stuck in his throat. After a beat, he scrubs his face over his hands, "I just don't understand," far calmer, he lets out a deep breath and continues, "how you got over this so fast," but before you can answer, his eyes open, and there's no fire, nor fury, just hurt; "and I need you right now, but not if you're going to be like this."

Oh, you're going to be sick.

It's apologies that spew out of you, nervous, still only half ready, and regretting every word that made Felix look at you like that. He tries awkwardly to tell you that it's not that bad, that he just wishes it felt like you were on his team. Insisting that you are gets you a weak smile from your best friend, but he still leaves seeming unconvinced.

There are voices outside, on the grounds. The party has begun, the sun will be set soon.

Half of your costume hangs up beside Felix's, your elegant, green gossamer robe shining next to the matching, gold gossamer pirate shirt that you had made for Felix. Neither leave the wardrobe, and perhaps you are underdressed in what was basically a set of incredibly ornate, bejewelled, and bedazzled lingerie, and boots, but you couldn't even bring yourself to care.

Perhaps, you consider, if Felix had blown up before you'd gotten this much on, you'd be as dressed down as he was for the event.

Before you leave, however, you go to double check yourself in the mirror, and don't think to knock. Oliver catches sight of you in the mirror before you properly realise he's there. Both freeze, both deer trapped in each other's proverbial headlights. Both with red-rimmed eyes. You wonder if he knows, if he waited with baited breath and an ear pressed to the bedroom door as Felix tore him down and you immediately gave him up to keep your best friend happy.

"You look like a dream," Oliver's voice is hoarse, and he turns to properly face you, to give your costume a generous look over, "merry wanderer of the night," he offers, meeting your gaze again. The line, pulled straight from the play upon which the whole night was based, was one you'd gleefully recounted to him when you told him you would be going as Puck.

There's a slight, sad smile on his lips, a shyness to the way he leans against the counter, but none of the awkwardness he carries around others. There, in his boxers alone, you realise how vulnerable he truly is in this moment, the moment you've so callously interrupted. But Oliver doesn't call you out, nor does he shy away from your gaze.

All words have escaped you in this moment, however. Even the idea of Felix's reaction to his moment makes you feel ill, but part of your heart still breaks for Oliver, for this boy so overwhelmed with love that he would do anything for it.

"I can go," Oliver says softly, apologetically, when you seem frozen even still. It breaks you out, however, and you shake your head vigorously.

"No, its okay Ollie."

"Your," he says slowly, pointedly, "Ollie." He'd heard. Fuck; how much? "I heard all of it," he admits slowly, approaching you. This time, you are the wild animal, cornered in the bathroom. Oliver doesn't look at you like prey, he doesn't approach you like a predator; he doesn't want to spook you, "I didn't mean to get between you and Felix," his voice is soft, and he sniffles a little, but tries to smile through it, "ever; back at Oxford, over Summer, ever."

But you can't bring yourself to look at him. Gently, you loop a finger through the fine, silver chain around his throat, keeping your gaze focused on it without ever tugging it too hard.

"I'm trying," you whisper, voice watery despite your best effort, tears gathering in your eyes, "but I -"

Oliver pulls you into a hug as the damn finally bursts, and the tension, the pressure of the day that had already been pressing down upon you finally breaks. Oliver lets you cry on his shoulder, petting your hair gently.

"But you're a good dog," he murmured as he pressed a kiss to your temple, and you're too distraught to catch the echoes of resentment in his tone.

"It's all I know how to be!"

"I know, pet, I know."

Once you've calmed down, you apologise for your outburst, for having him comfort you at a time like this. There's something different about him, about his smile, the look in his eyes, as he just assures you that it's fine, that he's going to still try and enjoy his night.

After cleaning yourself up and fixing your makeup, finally you make it downstairs. There's more people on the first floor than you'd been expecting, so you have to worm your way through the crowd to search for Felix.

"My gentle puck, come hither!" Felix voice rises through the crowd; if your ears could prick up, they probably would. Just the brightness in his voice lifts you from your melancholy, and when you finally reach him you're beaming.

And he's already drunk.

Which you would like to be too. As if anticipating your requests, he puts two fruity looking drinks in your hands, and picks up another two with a wide smile. You trot along behind him as he cuts a path through the crowd towards the sofas where your friends from Oxford had found themselves. A cheer rises when they see you, all glad for your company, all desperate to hear how your Summer had been so far.

At first, you're simply sitting on the arm of the sofa, beside Felix, bright and animatedly engaging in conversation with the others. Felix finishes his first drink and his arm goes around India, tucked up against his other side, but as soon as his second drink is finished, and you've leaned across him to put your own empty cup on the coffee table between you all, he uses it as an excuse to pull you into his lap.

"Felix," India says when she means what the fuck are you playing at right now? Felix gives a surprisingly cold smile, his hand slipping from her shoulder, moving lower to grip her side rather possessively. You simply wait, ready to move at a moment's notice.

"What?" There's something biting in Felix's voice, something that sounds so uncharacteristically mean as he raises his voice enough for the group to hear, "aren't you all still deluding yourselves about me and Y/N? Don't you still think we're related - or whatever it was Farleigh told you all?" Immediately the tension in your little circle of friends spikes. Felix's hand is practically between your thighs, gripping your thigh like he owns you. In any other circumstance you'd probably enjoy this, but every single one of your friends is suddenly looking at you like they'd never seen you before.

"You hot people disgust me," India finally breaks the tension flippantly, and everyone else cackles with laughter. Felix does actually grin at her, leaning in to kiss her cheek.

"No we don't," he teases gently, and India tries to continue playing at being annoyed, by insisting that she needs something stronger than the bar could offer. As she stands, she looks back, holding out her hands to you and Felix.

"Come on, disgusting hot people; I know you're both already high and probably want some more."

"Knew there was a reason I liked you, India," you grinned, glad to have escaped that encounter without much of a mental or physical scratch, though Felix does make a point of grabbing your ass as you stand, even with India holding his other hand.

However you're another line deep in the bathroom, with India, Felix, and two of the others who'd followed along, when that good mood evaporates. Oliver stands in the door, waiting, watching; you're the first to notice him, to catch his gaze properly, but all he does is clear his throat. Felix looks to him when Oliver finally calls his name, but pointedly acts like he doesn't in the next moment.

"Can I, er, talk to you for one second?" Oliver asks faintly, but is met with no response. Instead of looking at Oliver, Felix momentarily flicks a frustrated gaze at you, like he feels your sudden discomfort and fidgeting is a personal betrayal, "you can't ignore me forever," Oliver tries, but Felix gives him a cold smile.

"I can try."

"Fi," you hissed, but all you get is another glare.

"Felix, we need to talk," Oliver was begging now, but he turned his attention to you, pleading, "can you get him to please listen to me, just for a moment -" but his words have your heart freezing in your chest. You can't even stutter Felix's name out before he's dismissing you both.

"I tried being nice about this," Felix huffed, "but if you're still insisting on playing Devil's Advocate for him, the both of you can fuck off and go bother the rest of the party." He relights his cigarette, but he doesn't even look at you once. One more time you try, reaching out, apology on your tongue, but he shrugs you off and finally gives a cutting look, "no I told you, okay? You're over it; fucking great for you. I'm not, and I don't have to be, so piss off and be over it away from me."

You stand, momentarily unsteady on your feet before you regain your balance and head to the door. Everything in your mind is a mess of emotions. The drugs and alcohol are sending you into overdrive, though neither is the reason you're feeling so sick. Still, while you know where Felix is coming from, one look at Oliver as you reach the door and you can't help but stop. Turning back, you hope Felix can read how damn hurt you are by all this;

"I'm not a monster for having a heart, Felix."

And you take some small victory from the surprise in his eyes. Before he can respond, however, you grab Oliver's hand and lead him away.

With another two fruity drinks, you and Oliver sit on the edge of the fountain outside, watching the revelry, mirroring each other's weary slump.

"How are you finding your birthday party?" You asked lamely after a few minutes. Oliver took a few moments to deliberate, while you sipped down your drink quite quickly.

"Don't know anyone," he says mildly, "and the people I do know think I'm a joke -" right, he'd heard Felix's earlier comments about the group from Oxford's feelings, "and I was aware kind of from the start of knowing youse," he casts his gaze to you now, turning to you, eyes meeting yours, "that my two best friends were bonded like those cats at the shelter, the kind you can't separate from each other or they'll cry all day and refuse to eat until you put them back together," the smile he gives you is humourless, and doesn't even reach his eyes, "but one hates me and the other has no spine," he shrugged like he hadn't just insulted you, going back to people-watching, "so I don't think it'll go down as my best birthday ever."

"I have a spine," you scowled, as if straightening your posture proved his point at all.

"Why? You don't need it," still as mild as before, Oliver takes a long, loud sip of his drink, "you've got Felix."

"I'm trying to help you, Oliver, I swear -"

"You don't know how to stand up for yourself, Y/N," this time, the look that he gives you is simply pitying, "I'm sorry I asked you to try and stand up for me." The words ache like a punch to the gut, "you're not even trying to help me for me, or for how much you supposedly love me; you love that I love Felix."

"Oliver, I love you!" You insisted through angry tears and gritted teeth, "how your mind works, how you figure things out, the books you like, the way you're constantly watching and cataloguing and remembering, it shows you care about the world around you and the people in it. I love that you're obsessive and ambitious and that you can be ruthless -" it comes out messy and unrehearsed, but you slowly see the shock and genuine awe on Oliver's face as he comes to terms with the fact that you're being genuine. For the first time all evening, you think you see guilt in his eyes. It's gone too fast, Oliver turning away.

"I love you too," he says gently, following it carefully with, "but we both know who you crawl into bed with at the end of every night." Then, under his breath, sounding so forlorn, "do not separate."

"Oliver-" but he stands, stretches, and finishes off his beer.

"He's probably already missing you, waiting to forgive you," he puts his empty beer bottle down on the edge of the fountain, and for just a moment, he reaches out and gently holds your face. Nothing is said, but there's endless, unreadable emotions in his eyes as he gazes into yours.

Then he's gone.

Making your way back to the estate itself, you forgo looking for Felix, half ashamed of the idea that Oliver was right, and instead slip beneath the velvet rope that cordoned off the upper floors of the house. Back in your bedroom, the stash of coke Felix had raided before the party was still reasonably well stocked, and the bottle of bourbon that you'd stashed in the broken piano last Christmas was thankfully untouched. There was something seriously sad, you think to yourself, about drinking and snorting alone in your room, upstairs from a party where you know your friends are all doing it too. But you don't want to see them. Don't want to see anyone.

The remainder of yours and Felix's matching outfits taunt you silently from the closet door on which they hang. They're beautiful and vapid and cold; you hate them.

"Oh, sorry, didn't realise you were -" it's Felix at the door - of course it is, who else would it be? - who startles you out of your thoughts. There's no frustration in his eyes anymore, no anger, just surprise. His gaze roams over you, from the drugs balanced on your knee to the half-full bottle cradled in your lap, "you okay?" Oliver's right, of course. Oliver's right about a lot of things.

"Yeah," you sniffle, taking another swig of the drink, "what did you need?"

"Think they're gonna sing happy birthday to Ollie soon," Felix leans against the doorframe. You share in an awkward silence for a long moment.

"That why you're here?"

"I came up to see if there was any of that coke left from before," he says, looking at the mirror on your knee and the still mostly full baggie on the bed next to you. Then, he gives a sheepish little grin, "yeah," he admits.

"We should be down there," you say without thinking. Felix's expression falls, and he kicks at the doorframe for a moment, "you do care about his family," spills from you; you're not even sure from where. Felix's expression grows darker.

"Why are you so insistent about doing this?"

"Because you love him, Felix," you remind him firmly, before putting down the bottle and rolling up the already significantly curved bill beside you, "and he loves you, and you know that," picking up the mirror, you make short work of the last line to avoid looking at Felix. Dragging your finger across the glass, you pick up the last of the residue, wiping it on your gums. Your hands remain busy as you pack the remainder of it all into the little, wooden box it was kept in, as you spoke, "you hate the parts of you he figured out, the buttons he learned how to push; Oliver," you snapped the box shut, looking up at him, "was too good to be true, and that's why you're hurt; you're scared it's like Eddie all over again, too good to be true -"

"You shut up about Eddie -" Felix warned, but you stood, box in hand, approaching him with a fierce, intoxicated determination.

"Eddie was never too good, you were just in love! Eddie wasn't even loyal!" You cried, shoving him with the box, letting out a desperate sentiment that you'd let fester in the darkest part of your heart for over a year, "he was never going to be loyal! He never loved you as much as you loved him! Never! And you were so blinded by how happy he seemed to be with this 'better life' you were offering him, you could never bloody see it -"

"You are drunk and high," Felix spits at you, clearly holding himself back from tears.

"But all I ever want is you to be happy," hanging your head, you push the box into his grip and stumble back to the bed, searching for the bottle, "why can't you trust me about this?"

"Oliver fucking lie to me, betrayed me -"

"Us!" You shouted, unscrewing the lid with vigour, "to keep you in his life. You just don't like what the lies he used to keep you around say about you." And with that you furiously started chugging more of the drink.

"I'm done with you," Felix's voice is weak, hands coming up to cover his face. Lowering the bottle, all you can do is stare at him. It's like you've been splashed with ice water.

"Fi -"

"I need space; I need you out of my room for the rest of Summer."

"Fi, please -"

"I thought you were fucking better than this!" He snapped, finally stalking away, while you were too disorientated to even go after him.

The first thing you manage to do is stumble to the bathroom and throw your guts up into the sink. Physically you feel a bit better, but the nausea you can now tell is psychological. Downstairs, though you don't know how much time has passed, the house has transformed itself into a rave. Too bright. Too hot. Too sticky. You think you catch sight of Ollie, but your gaze quickly moves to Felix, silhouetted by neon and haze, looking like an angel. Beside him, India sparkles and giggles and her hands are all over him. You want him to be happy, you don't want to interrupt but you have to -

Someone catches you before you faceplant in the middle of the dancefloor, and it turns out it is Oliver.

"You look like a bit of a mess," he says, aiming for a light, joking tone, but it almost sets you off. Seeing you about to start crying, Oliver starts to panic, and suggests the two of you get some air. Though you want to protest, you see Felix and India, hand in hand, making their way to the side doors. Oliver, champagne in one hand, has his other arm under yours, supporting you as the two of you made your way out too.

The night air is cool, a sharp contrast from inside, so sharp it almost stings.

"I should'a kept my mouth shut," you whimpered, "I didn't need a spine, why did I listen to you?" Oliver is simply quiet, listening to you ramble, getting the gist of what had happened between you and Felix as you slowly made your way to the maze.

"I don't wanna go in," you whispered at the entrance, looking down it's tall, green corridor. Oliver looked at you strangely.

"Worried you'll get lost?"

"I could never get lost, Felix made sure of that plenty of times." Carefully, you extract yourself from Oliver, sitting cross-legged by the entrance of the maze, looking out over the rest of Saltburn with your back to the hedges; Oliver watches you curiously, "I can wait for Fi here."

"I can't wait," Oliver finally says, "I don't have the time. I have to try."

You, surprisingly serene and content with your decision, more at peace than you'd been during the entire walk over, make no attempt to stop him. You just tell him you'll be here when he gets back. This time you genuinely smile, insisting he go in without you.

"I'll be here, I promise; I'll wait."

So he goes, and you listen to his footsteps retreating. After a few minutes, however, he returns.

"I think you need this more than I do," and he hands you the bottle of champagne he'd been carrying. Turns out there's only really a quarter of the bottle left, but at least you think it won't be enough to make you sick again.

As frustrated as Felix could get, he's never not forgiven you. That's all you can think about as you finish off the bottle.

You would apologise. You would make it up to him. You could make this better again.

Except...

Hang on, wait, who was that who just ran out of the maze? Someone ran out of the maze? You were pretty sure someone did anyways... maybe India, if Oliver had confronted -

Oliver is the second to escape the maze. Instead of heading directly back, he waits, unseen for Felix to leave, observing the way he'd stumble out, not even glancing around enough to see you on the ground in the shadow of the maze itself. Once he was sure he was alone, Oliver crept over to your catatonic body, mouth agape, bottle still clutched but empty in one hand. Still breathing, though it was shallow, he checked your pulse only to feel a heartrate like a humming bird. If he called out now, Felix could hear him, could get help, could save your life.

But Felix would want for nothing as long as he had you by his side.

When you start convulsing, Oliver leaps away, startled. But he watches, and remains quiet. He takes the bottle, and just for a moment presses his forehead to yours.

"I'm sorry," it almost gets caught in his throat, "I loved you, I promise I did."

And he leaves.

Oliver wakes to a knock on the door. While Felix doesn't exactly seem happy to see him, it appears he has bigger things to worry about.

"Is Y/N in here?" He cuts right to the chase; there's dark circles under his eyes.

"Have you gotten any sleep?" Oliver yawns. Felix shifts his weight from one foot to the other.

"I've checked literally every other room in this house," ignoring him, Felix explains himself, "I told them last night I wanted them to stay somewhere else, but I didn't mean it," he frowns, peering around Oliver as best he could, trying to see for himself. Oliver, who already knew this, but still played dumb, went wide-eyed.

"You didn't talk to them last night?"

"I was talking to them a lot last night -"

"They were waiting outside the maze for you; they were there when I left."

Oliver's never seen Felix run so fast.

It takes Duncan informing the rest of the family over breakfast that a gardener has spotted Felix sat by the edge of the maze for the past hour, to clear up his whereabouts.

"And have you heard from Y/N?" Elspeth adds, though Venetia buts in.

"Probably at the maze with Felix," she rolls her eyes; Oliver looks at his eggs, his runny, sickening eggs, and keeps his mouth shut. Elspeth sighs and requests someone go and collect them, tell them that lunch is ready, and promptly directs a smile at Oliver, asking how he'd enjoyed his birthday.

Oliver's halfway through an awkward thanks, assuring her it was grand, before Duncan re-enters. For the first time since Oliver first laid eyes on him, he looks genuinely shaken.

"I, uh, I do apologise," his words keep getting caught, and he can't seem to focus his gaze for too long, "I have some tragic news; Captain Y/N has passed away."

The world stops.

Felix Catton sits in the shadow of the hedge maze with you, his best friend, the love of his life, dead in his arms.

"I thought you were fucking better than this!"

His last words to you echo endlessly in his head as he cradles you to him. He'd found you slumped over at a painful angle, clearly having been sitting cross-legged on the grass, waiting, just as Oliver had said, still wearing part of the outfit you'd prepared. You looked so cold, so he'd wrapped you up in the robe he'd been wearing, maroon; you'd always said it was your favourite of his, but you'd never wear it, said it looked better on him.

"Can't believe I made you wait," it wasn't the first time he'd muttered it since finding you, "I'm so sorry, I won't do it again," he assured, and leaned in, pressing his forehead to your cold shoulder and collarbone, "and I didn't mean it about needing space from you; I couldn't even do it for one night, I got so lonely I spent the entire night searching all hundred and bloody something rooms we have, for you."

"Felix?" Venetia's voice is the first one he's heard since Oliver's, and it shakes, "Feef?" And maybe it's the way he can tell she's started crying, or the nickname he hasn't heard since he was six, but it all hits him at once. Finally he starts to cry, the shock giving way to anguish as Venetia drapes herself over him at the sight of you. Farleigh goes into shock, silent, falling to his knees before he brings his head down too, completely shutting down.

Oliver doesn't know how to react, doesn't know if he can. He stands back from the others, back from even James and Elspeth, silent. He did what he had to do. It takes him a long time to realise he's even started crying too.

Elspeth and Sir James try to keep up a sense of normalcy around the house, but barely anyone is able to keep up. Farleigh and Venetia show up and barely speak, Oliver can't bring himself to even look at anyone at the dining table, and Felix hasn't shown up for three days straight. He's been locked in his room, and none of them blame him.

None of the others know that he comes out at night. Well, he opens the door during the day since the staff have started leaving plates of food for him at his mother's request. But during the night, Felix leaves his room to crawl into Oliver's bed. Oliver never makes comments, but he always makes room, and Felix still hasn't kicked him out of the house. Small steps to victory.

"All those lies, all that shit you told us, you did it because you'd do anything to keep us around," on the third night, Felix speaks into the darkness, back to Oliver under the expensive sheets.

"To keep you around," Oliver corrected quietly, "I knew as long as I had you around, I would have them too." After a few moments, he could hear Felix start to sniffle. Carefully, testing his luck, Oliver shuffled around to face Felix. Wriggling closer, he draped an arm over Felix's chest and pulled him close, pressing himself against Felix's back. In the moment, Felix takes Oliver's hand and laces their fingers together.

"They always loved you, Felix; I never saw anything like it."

Small steps to victory.

At your funeral, Felix finally sees your parents. He wonders if looking at them is anything like looking at the idea of who you would have grown into. He doesn't think so; their expressions are so cold beneath their performance of grief.

They do, however, seek him out, ask his name, and hand him a framed photo. They say they won't be needed it anymore. It's you and Felix beneath the Eiffel Tower, arms around each other, each of you using your free hand to together form a heart between you, laughing at something just off camera. Oliver makes a disdainful remark about your parents, but slips his hand in Felix's, and gives it a reassuring squeeze.

Elspeth asks if Felix wants to keep the photo in his room, and when he remarks that he doesn't know, she suggests it gets placed with the other family photos over the fireplace in the television room. It fits in perfectly.

"I love you," Felix mumbles in the dead of night, pressed up along Oliver's back, lips in his hair, arm around him, "like proper love you." Oliver is quiet, "the kind of love I've been wanting to tell you for a while, but now I'm terrified that the reasons I love you aren't even real."

It's been a few weeks, he's intergraded back into life at home, but has taken a leave of absence from Oxford. As has Oliver. He still hasn't left Saltburn, he wonders if he ever will, if he ever has to.

"What parts?" Oliver said, voice barely more than a whisper, "I'll never lie to you again; I want you to know the truth of me." There's a rush of electricity, his fingers and toes feel all tingly; he doesn't want to sound too enthusiastic, but can't help but feel a giddy rush.

"I like how you can figure heaps of stuff out, but," Felix hesitates and hums, "I don't think I like what you figured out about me," he admits.

"I'll never bring that up again," Oliver reassures him, but Felix just hums once more, "and I figured out more stuff about you, good stuff; I figured out what made me love you too."

Felix presses a kiss to the back of his head. He doesn't smile, but that's to be expected nowadays. Felix doesn't really smile a lot anymore.

But Oliver takes it for what it is; his victory.

{ epilogue }

#felix catton x reader x oliver quick #saltburn x reader #felix catton x reader #saltburn imagine #felix catton imagine #felix catton x you #oliver quick x reader #felix catton x y/n #oliver quick imagine #oliver quick x you #oliver quick x y/n #head heart hand fic #manic writer

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queer-n-here · 1 month

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u already kno wassup !!!!

eldritch abomination reader who has come to originally destroy the world, but was enchanted by their 'one', ( aka sigma, atsushi, and mushitaro or someone of ur choice ) and instead devotes their entire time stalking and invading their lovers mind, pulling them into the readers all devouring aura.

( ur honor they are madly in love ) they dont quite have a proper form but has slowly been constructing one bc their lovers coworkers/friends don't believe they exist "you always go out on dates with this mysterious person and you always rant and rave about them, but not once have we seen them. are you just making them up or something?"

so eventually reader finally constructs the perfect form and comes to their workplace to get them for their date ( that involves tentacles, mind fucks, and breeding ) . Reader basically envokes primal fear in everyone and will kill anyone who hurts what is theirs ♡. major weird ask but it is a random and specific Need i have

~ 🕸

Long time no see 🕸️ bro! Btw, thank you, this just made my writer's block evaporate.

Is it weird that I totally loved every single part of this?

Also, I had no fucking idea what an eldritch abomination is, so I did some research bout them!

This ended up becoming 100% fluff, hope you like it!

Contents: Eldritch abomination reader who sees Atsushi and goes heart eyes

Warnings: Fluff, powerful reader, mind manipulation, shit ton of stuff that doesn't fully make sense but whatever, it's Atsushi even if I haven't mentioned his name (because I felt like the Eldritch would be like 'that's too simple a name for me to address my love with')

It was not going as you had expected.

You had arrived at that small universe to satisfy your thirst of destruction, to watch it crumble under your power as faces of fear and misery looked up at you, their lives at your mercy. And yet, you found yourself thinking of that vision less and less.

Nowadays, you were focused more on that boy that you had started watching. His house was located quite close to the woods you had chosen as your home.

You were everywhere, and always watching everything, but you needed a headquarters of sorts to concentrate your power for it to be more effective, and that was why you had chosen the woods.

You had expected him to be the first of your victims, yet now you found yourself growing less and less fond of that idea. He was not meant to be killed. He was meant to be taken care of.

Not only was he so incredibly small and three-dimensional (like most of these 'humans') he was also wonderfully precious, like a small-sized treasure that slowly began meaning everything to you.

So after months of watching him, you finally gave into your desire of meeting him in person. You changed your form to the one with the simplest dimensions, not wanting to make him lose his mind the way you did others.

He had stepped out of his house to gather firewood, that little thing. When he saw you, he dropped it all, stumbling backwards and attempting to run.

You were not pleased.

You guided the trees of the forest to block his way, and when he had no way left to escape, you spoke to him in the language he would comprehend.

"Do not be afraid." You said, your voice low and guttural. "I do not stand before you with intentions to harm."

He had fallen to the floor in his attempt to scramble away from you, and now he looked up at you with fear in his eyes.

It was not an expression you wanted to see on him.

So you eased into his mind, calming his small brain with the likeness of a sedative. His breath grew steadier, and his eyes returned to their normal size. His instincts were clouded now, and he could not help but be drawn to you, standing up and stepping closer.

"Closer," You told him, and he obeyed. He did not need your words, you could control him fully if you wanted.

But some part of you was reluctant to do it. You wanted him to... Like you? Perhaps, you yourself were not entirely sure yet.

You moved closer, wrapping your form around him, encasing him into yourself, away from the rest of his world, where he would be the safest.

You let him be curious, freeing the part of his mind that you knew would ask questions... You wanted him to know you.

"What are you?" He asked, his eyes wide again as he turned to look at all of you.

"I have many names," You said. "But you will be able to use none of them; they are too powerful."

His wide eyes reflected the kaleidoscope of colours of your form, and you felt his brain grow appreciative of your form.

Pride. It was an emotion beneath you, and yet you could not help the swelling of colours in your form when you saw that he liked it.

"Then... What should I call you?" He asked, looking as though he was still unsure who he was talking to.

"Anything," You presented before him a makeshift form. It was a mirror image of his own, something he could look at while talking and not feel awkward.

He gasped. His fear had long since been subdued by your charm, and he did not hesitate to reach forward and his doppelgänger's shoulder.

"Wow," He whispered, and your colours became brighter again.

Later, when returned back to his house, his senses finally returned to him, and he realised the danger he was stepping into.

And yet, could he resist the urge to go back to you? Not when you had so easily planted it in his head. Hence, after resisting for a whole day, he returned to you the very next.

You let him look for you in the forest, hiding in a dimension his eyes could not perceive. You let him run around, growing more and more desperate when you wouldn't show yourself, calling out to you, but unsure of how to do so since you hadn't told him what to call you.

When he collapsed, tired, on the bank of a small lake in the woods, tears dripping from his eyes as he sobbed, you decided that your game had lasted long enough.

And so you showed yourself, making it look as if you had emerged from the lake itself. He looked up with a gasp, eyes wide and wet as an ecstatic expression broke through his face. His arms rose, reaching for your form.

You let him touch you; today you had taken a four dimensional form, and it was way easier for him to get wrapped up between your colours.

"I thought... I thought you l-left," He said, sniffing.

"I would never," Was all you said, and yet his face lit up. It was not your doing, you had already relaxed your control of his mind when he had entered the forest.

Weeks passed, and his human mind slowly developed romantic feelings for you. You perceived them, and yet never expressed it. He would be the one to tell you, and on his own accord.

You waited, but not for long. Soon, he brought you flowers, handing them to you as his cheeks flushed, looking away and shivering slightly. You wrapped around him; humans got cold painfully easily.

He froze in your embrace, he had learnt some of your ways to show affection. His blush spread gradually, and his muttered confession felt like something with even more power than you.

Joy. Yet another emotion beneath you, but when it came to him, you were reduced to a mere human teenager. You cared not of status or immortality anymore. Destruction of his world? You had long since abandoned that plan. This was his home, and you'd protect it with your life.

You would protect him with your life.

A month passed, and he visited you everyday, bringing with him small presents of the like you knew humans appreciated. You took them all, preserving them with your power so they would never spoil and hide them away in the most complex dimension you could find.

And every time he visited, you gave him the thing you thought was best: a little bit of your own immortality. He did not know yet; you did it without his knowledge. But you did not think he would mind if he found out.

Now he sat on a tree branch as you watched him, leaning against the trunk for balance. You had lifted him up there, and he was speaking of the view. You could not help but move upwards, closer to him.

He watched you, a smile on his face as you changed forms again.

Being three-dimensional was difficult for you. Not only did it weaken your power incredibly, it also could not store your abilities. The closest you could reach was four-dimensional, and that itself took its toll on you.

And yet you were always four-dimensional with him, knowing that this was how he could see and touch you best.

You sat on the branch next to him, wrapping around his small frame.

There was a comfortable silence, and you slowly lulled his brain, sending him to sleep.

You loved it when he was defenseless, when all his safety was you, when the only one that he trusted was you, and not his human friends.

It was another one of those days where you were watching him as he went about his day, keeping him safe from any danger that might come his way.

He was talking with his friends, and they appeared to be teasing him.

"Come on, you've never even shown us a picture..." One of them said, sitting so close to your human that you had the urge to crush her insides. "Or even told us their name!"

He flushed slightly, not knowing how to respond. "W-well, their name is... Very complex."

"A nickname, then," Another said, wrapped in bandages and leaning back casually against the couch. "Or what? You just call them 'honey bun sweety pie'?

They laughed, and you bristled. Your human was getting flustered, and no one but you was allowed to see that expression on his face.

You took shape immediately, condensing your power so much you felt its strain. To make it three-dimensional was like trying to contain the ocean in a glass jar, and yet you attempted your fullest, anger fueling your movements.

You appeared on the doorstep of the building, your speed phenomenal as you climbed its small staircase and appeared at the door of the room your human and his friends sat in.

You pushed open the door, and stepped in. They all looked up, and his eyes widened.

Your power needed your three-dimensional vessel to be big, and you were as tall as 6'8", your shoulders wide and arms thick with what looked like muscle but was actually energy. Your hair was a light brown, and covering your body was what seemed to their eyes a suit.

He recognised you immediately; one glance at your multi-coloured eyes and he knew. This was you, the one he loved.

You walked up to him, throwing him a well-practiced wink as you greeted him the way you had seen lovers greet each other, leaning down to place a kiss on his cheek.

"I came to pick you up," You said to him, your voice low as you ignored everyone else in the room. "Your work has almost ended now, right?"

A long-haired man lowered his glasses to look at you. "And who are you?"

You could not help but grow irritated, and you triggered fear in the minds of everyone in the room but the one who was yours.

"He's..." Your human seemed breathless. "He's my b-boyfriend."

One of the humans, the insignificant ones, whistled as he stood up. He was scared, you had made sure of it, but was putting up a front.

"Damn, Atsushi," He said, taking in your carefully constructed human form. "He's biiiig."

Your human blushed, his cheeks reddening in that way you did not want them to see.

"I don't see why you didn't show us his picture before," A female said, her house quivering slightly. "He's not bad looking at all. Not that I thought you were, just so you know."

You looked at her, sending her your appreciation for praising you in front of your human by tickling the part of her brain responsible for pleasure.

She squirmed in her seat, her eyes slightly wide.

You turned back to what was yours, holding out your hand. "Shall we head home?"

His blush spread; he still hadn't managed to take his eyes off you. "O-okay..."

He let you take him away, his cold hand clasped in yours. You put on a burst of speed, and the two of you were back in your forest.

The moment you two were alone, he took your face in his hands, his eyes shining.

"You look..." He could not go on, but you knew what he meant.

Another burst of pride. He made you feel things you had never thought significant before.

You leaned down and kissed him, pressing his plump red lips against yours and, unknown to him, transferring more immortality to him.

He responded in the affirmative, letting you wrap your arms around his waist and bring him closer.

You opened up dimensionally, creating a fourteen-dimensional barrier around you two, freeing your power and protecting him at the same time. A part of you still remained three-dimensional before him, embracing him and kissing his lips.

When you pulled away, his eyes were slightly moist.

"I love you," He whispered, and you smiled.

Your love was such that it could not be put into words he would comprehend, and yet you did not want him to think that you did not reciprocate his feelings.

"I love you, too," You put energy into the phrase, making sure he felt the intensity of your feelings.

#dom male reader #dom reader #top male reader #sub bsd x you #bsd x you #bungou stray dogs #sub bsd #sub bungou stray dog x you #sub bungou stray dogs #sub atsushi #elderitch #eldritch reader #supernatural #powerful reader #fantasy

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nian-7 · 9 months

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Hallo :>>> can I request for pjsk boys x gn!reader headcannons when character x reader met in college. If you dont mind, please add whether their respective group/s disbanded or not :') that's all for me and ty in advance <333

hello! sure, please enjoy!!

Tsukasa, Rui, Akito, Toya x gn!reader

✧meeting in college

✧fluff

-Wonderlands x Showtime has become more of a side thing for them. Emu does it the most often though, followed by Tsukasa.

-Tsukasa probably went to college for something in the drama or theatrical department. An actor of sorts, whether it be a stage actor, movie actor, or a voice actor.

-He likely met you through a group project where he needed a partner and you just happened to be sitting next to him that day so why not ask to be partners? No harm in it!

-He'd get along with you fairly easily. As long as you don't push him away, he'll be your friend even without ever verbally asking to be friends.

-Probably asks if you need help and vise versa. You're his friend now and he'd like for you to be able to get through college and pursue your dream as well!

-Again, Wonderlands x Showtime has become more of a side thing for its members. Rui is the least active in it because of college work but, he does occasionally show up for shows.

-He probably had gone to college for some sort of engineering degree. It probably wasn't unlikely that he met you in a class that you struggled in and asked him for help.

-Rui helped you but it wasn't much after that. You both would chat occasionally when you found yourselves sitting next to each other in class or in the halls.

-Probably would accept your offers to come by your dorm or house to work on an assignment together. As long as he has nothing going on, he really doesn't mind.

-Honestly, he likely has invited you to come to Phoenix Wonderland and help work backstage on the automations like Robo-Nene. It was honestly quite a shock to the other Wonderlands x Showtime members when they see Rui there along with a new friend.

-Vivid Bad Squad has probably gone on some sort of hiatus. Both Vivids and Bad Dogs operate still just at a lesser rate. They can't find the time to all get together with their busier schedules.

-Akito likely went to community college. Whether it be because he wasn't sure what he wanted to go to college for or if he just wanted to continue Rad Weekend.

-He honestly probably met you through Rad Weekend. Having you randomly come up to him after Toya and him got off stage and telling him he did a good job! Somehow the conversation spiraled from there into him getting your number by the end of it.

-After that, he'd always text you when he'd be performing at Rad Weekend and you'd always show up. He appreciated it even though it wasn't often that he got to see you.

-With the two of you being in college, study sessions aren't uncommon. He'd randomly bring it up one day and it'd start becoming a near weekly thing for the two of you.

-Again, Vivid Bad Squad would be on a hiatus while Bad Dogs and Vivids operated independently. Toya is a bit bummed about it but, he still is able to go up occasionally.

-Toya likely went to a college on his fathers accord. He likely came to a sort of compromise (if it was even possible) with him about where he'd like to study.

-Most likely, he met you on a walk one day when he was going out for lunch. Whether you were an employee or just another customer, it was a simple and nice chat.

-You both would see each other at the same place every week, whether it be on purpose or not, he's still baffled by how he had gotten your number in such a short amount of time.

-He likes to text you about random things and will always respond to anything you send him. Sometimes you feel like he's waiting for you to text him with how fast he'll respond, even when he's in class sometimes...

please do not repost any of my work without my permission, thank you for reading.

#x reader #fluff #gender neutral reader #nian-anon #project sekai x reader #project sekai #toya x reader #toya aoyagi #toya aoyagi x reader #akito shinonome #akito x reader #akito shinonome x reader #tsukasa tenma x reader #tsukasa x reader #tsukasa tenma #rui kamishiro x reader #rui x reader #rui kamishiro

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crysta1ized · 2 months

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a scream/dff parallel theory on who’s behind the mask

this theory is just for fun, as in ‘what if dff followed the scream killer pattern perfectly’

this is based on the theory that there’s at least one masked killer (if not more), who’s not an hallucination.

if there’s something the scream franchise taught me, it’s that it’s always someone you know behind the mask.

and by ‘someone you know’ i mean,

someone the characters are all familiar with.

someone that’s currently alive and is known to be so.

someone that’s apart of the friend group or linked/ related to one of them.

obviously, mr keng is now out of the question as he doesn’t tick all boxes; not all the characters are familiar with him (tan and phee know his face as they saw the video but never interacted with him and white never went to his tutoring school) and isn’t known to be alive.

non doesnt tick all boxes either. for him to be behind the mask, all the characters would have to know he’s alive and white doesn’t know him.

like in any scream movie, we reduced our options to only the people stuck in the house.

we’re also assuming that any of these boys may be putting on an act. we never know what side they’re on until we really know (ex: tan).

por, top, tee and fluke tick all the boxes but are out of the question as they’d never want to seek revenge for non.

jin, phee, tan and white are now the only options left.

1) jin is ambiguous. he parted ways with non in weird terms, as he was jealous he got with mr keng and ended up feeling really guilty about the video, though non probably never knew jin was responsible for it (though it’s still not confirmed that it was jin’s video).

-> what if jin helped non after that to redeem himself? what if he somehow helped him escape tee’s uncle and is now helping him take his revenge?

that would explain why when hallucinating he’s only seeing a bloody mr keng, maybe because he abandoned him and went to save only non from tee’s uncle?

with this theory, it’s believable that jin is secretly on non’s side and is one of the masked killer. but is his main goal to scare the boys or to harm them?

2) tan was the one who suggested going to por’s house for jin’s farewell party. he obviously came here to get answers by drugging them all.

but we also know he put the mask and costume on top after drugging him. maybe he did that so a masked killer could continue to follow them while tan was with them so he’d have an alibi. then, how could they ever suspect tan of being the masked killer if tan was with them when they were attacked?

he could’ve chosen to wear the costume simply to scare them more while they were tripping so they’d spill the beans faster. but wether he’s behind the mask or not, seeing that smirk we all know he’s gonna speed up the process.

3) phee is also a good candidate. he could've crafted a plan complementary to tan's, to scare the boys into revealing everything. however his whole behavior makes me doubt this a bit. he could be acting but really doesn't seem that into whatever tan wanted this trip to be.

4) white seems to be out the question since he seems to know nothing about non but im keeping my eye on him bc im sure there’s so much abt him we dont know yet.

i believe there's more than one of them behind the mask, though i agree some of the appearances must have been hallucinations. which makes me believe there must be an alliance between some of the boys.

the most probable are (ranked from most to least):

tan and white (?)

jin and white

tan and jin

phee and tan

phee and white

phee and jin

so, what do you think? who's behind all of this?

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ppgxrrblove · 2 years

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Oh Tumblr..your so predictable...sadly...

I am sorry, but tumblr's melt down over Roe V being overturn is pretty darn funny, and something to definitely giggle about.

With that being stated I am super glad Roe got shot down, however,...there is always gonna be a however in this situation, these people decided it was a great idea to give the power to the state...instead of letting the people just end it all, instead we get the demo..the full package will cost people lots of protection, and well...this is uncomfortable to type this down but, there will be dead bodies for the full package to occur. Since tumblr folks are having - well tumblr witches, to feminists that I do believe are just plain witches, don't realize that Roe V..shtick is just limited.. sadly, it's a 'win' but not a win in a sense that you basically well send anybody in jail for killing an infants life, they still will be 'protected' using this loosely cause I know that folks will rightfully stop such vil ugly acts that is being done to an inoccent adorable pure life.

Nonetheless this was interesting to see the reaction of how it went down, because not only does it show how fallen society is in whole, but it really oozes out the real monsters that hide usually under ya bed, now they just ratchet rampant on wanting to murder, riot - all for the sake of killing a life that's not theirs anymore once you open those legs :"). Oh, and yes, I know of the satanic rituals that are gonna occur through out this week, cause these offended vile people -childrenofthedeviltobeexact- are gonna be doing some major nasty, illegal garbage stunt that we will all witness together; people dying because they wanna riot, harm peoples property to the people theirselves, which are, Republicans, Consveratives, to Christians including the 'church'(note; using it loosely because I know they will aim at catholics as well, soo, uhhh..if they burn down a false house of worship be my guest, I am gonna be honest; I don't care, you are practicing pagan acts..- like no, however, i dont wanna see people get harmed, call me a hypocrite if you want to, - makes no sense, because i dont want the people to be killed over this rather just want to see the false churchs go down hill, only in this topic dont try to twist it..forgot to mention, really gotta stop editing posts here, yet, once those false churchs get taken down it can be rebuilt again, but with the people worshipping the real lord not a false one..) - never an edgy moment for these vile things without squaking at the church, because they know as much as us christians know that we're the ones that began the whole thing of protecting babies..just like protecting anybody life out there but that can only extend so much...- meaning if you off hunting people down, and said person defends their self resulting to your death - the church nor anybody else will not defend you on your evil actions. Whatever it maybe, not just abortion but other stuff as well..common sense that everybody knows that if you come knocking to wanting to harm a person they have every right to defend theirself, whether you get offended by this fact or not is up to you.

Laughing aside to giggling from said comment I had made...

Am I gonna be sad, - like my comment on the church if they will be sad about such actions occuring? Heck yeah, that ain't a laughing matter..its serious, and it's depressing stuff. It's bleak, that people wanna go this far..it sucks, it really does but God's in control of everything, so I put my trust - everything on God cause i know the ones that are in that occult will end up turning to christ, not all, but some, and those who do thank you for choosing the light.

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fragmentating · 9 days

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Honestly not much radicalized me in regards to bodily autonomy the way being a chronic selfharmer for 10+ years has. And one of those things that really are so awful to deal with is a lack of privacy.

When I go inpatient and they ask me if I have wounds, and I answer honestly, they dont just write that down. They make me undress and show each single one, otherwise I wont be "processed" and let into my room.

In the underage psych ward I was in they would sometimes search the rooms of known selfharmers while we were away at a therapy appointment, or seeing family in the visitation room, etc. They wouldn't tell you. They would lie about it if you asked about it. But all your shit had been moved around slightly, enough for observant people to notice. If they found blades, or any other sharp object regardless of it you had used it to selfharm though, you would obviously be punished.

One time I cut and went to the nurses for help, I was scared because it had never been that deep before and their response was tossing my room after I had voluntarily given them the two blades i had, while a male nurse kept saying how uncomfortable he was that he "had to" inspect my pads, saying "why would you need that many", ... they had metal detectors. They could've just swiped it across everything. But that wouldn't have been humiliating enough like seeing a nurse dig through my underwear and pads and diary.

Outside of the psych ward, my family kept up a similar approach. They did not search my room at least, knowing it was futile because there were always knifes in the house if I was desperate anyways, and a store down the street that sold razors. But locked doors were my mothers enemy. If I locked my door to masturbate, and she noticed it was locked? She would knock and yell until I opened it. If I simply wanted to relax in a bath but she decided it was suspiciously long ? The same.

When they couldn't catch me in the act but my scars kept getting more and more theyd threaten me with being hospitalized again.

When the hospital ER would send me to the closed ward for cuts that had nothing to do with suicidal ideation, but they decided I must be lying because it was deep enough, no matter how often I said I simply "messed up" because of adrenaline and blades that were sharper than expected. They had no legal ground to lock me up again but who cares, right. Its just one of those freaks who cuts themselves anyways.

And none of this kept me safe. None of this prevented me from cutting majority of the time. It made me distrust the ER. It made me distrust nurses. It made me hide my body even around my family. And when it did momentarily work I simply started harming myself in other ways. I ended up covered in bruises, with minor concussions, increasingly starving myself, depriving myself of sleep, ...

No one ever went "let's really try to figure out why you do this." Instead they went "why the fuck wont you just chew some bubble gum and roll a spikey ball on the soles of your feet you depressed fuck" or some shit like bro I am being severely traumatized by the world and this is my reaction. It's all "you are the problem".

And as an adult whos decided that I'm not interested in quitting, who "only" practices harm reduction I know that absolutely no one wants to accept that as a choice I should be allowed to make. Doesnt matter that I'm an expert at taking care of wounds and I have not had a single infection in 10+ years aside from once on wounds that got fucking stitched at the hospital. that I actively do my best to avoid lasting damage. That I try to keep the frequency low. They put me through years of surveillance and shame and threats without ever trying to see the root cause, only ever treat me as a bratty problem child who's being difficult just to fuck with them, and can not understand why that wouldn't make me want to stick to the goals they have set for me.

Therapists genuinely lose their mind when I tell them I don't want ~sobriety~ I just want to reduce harm and get on with my life. Their teachings do not allow for this to be but a short term compromise. I do not care.

#harm reduction #i guess sort of #selfharm cw #selfharm #anti psych #psych critical #bodily autonomy #(respect my choice or die by my sword)

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cupoftaae · 1 year

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Forever and a day (KTH x READER) series♡ silent treatment cant last forever (chapter 5)

Summary: your lifelong friend is forced to face his true feelings for you once he breaks the number one rule of becoming friends with benefits: dont fall in love. He knows he loves you, but you on the other hand need more convincing of the most important thing: the right decision.

Genre: fwb. Roommates, friends to idiots to lovers, fluff, angst, smut, the whole 9 yards tbh.

Pairing: taehyung x female!reader

rating: 18+ (minors dni!!!)

word count- 4.1k

chapter warnings: swearing, tae is struggling :( kaito is a fucking LOSER and does a bad thing. literally all I can say is SORRY in advance !! mentions of domestic violence and abuse. Quick mention of pregnancy

A/N- I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, I have most of these already written out, but I like to take time and add ideas as I go along. I kinda came up with a plot twist that will eventually play out, just dont hate me. What can I say? I love angst. ALSO- chapter 6 will be out this weekend possibly, if not, then monday ;) just a treat bc ily guys

"he's such a fucking dumbass" Kaito scoffs and takes a sip of his wine, collapsing back onto the couch next to you. You remained quiet as he ranted after you told him about the night you had.

Immediately after coming back to the apartment with taehyung, you two ended up fighting again. Something about him being childish, you being self centered, him being nosey, and you not being the old you. What does that even mean? You havent changed at all, its him who is always starting these fights.

after that, you packed a bag and ran over to your boyfriends house. It wasnt where you wanted to be, exactly, but you needed a place to hide.

"I dont think he is a dumbass, I just think....hes....i dont know? having a midlife crisis?" you shrugged, leaning into your boyfriends touch.

"midlife crisis....at the ripe age of 23 years old?"

"yeah, I think he is always comparing himself to me, and hes confused about who he wants to be. He wishes he stayed in college so bad, he even signed up for this little credit art course they ha-"

"art??" kaito laughed covering his mouth for a moment

"yeah" you turned around to look at him

"so he thinks finger painting will help him snap into being an adult?"

you stared at him, scrunching your face up in thought. Yeah, you kinda poked at tae and made jokes, but you didnt mean any harm deep down. Maybe you dont understand his little desire to paint away his feelings, but watching kaito laugh about it is different, because he means it. You suddenly felt guilty for talking about him behind his back, even if he was a dick for yelling at you a few hours ago.

"he enjoys it, its kinda cute. If its helping him back onto his feet then who cares...its not like he quit his job or anything, kaito."

"cute? more like immature"

"hey, cmon, leave him alone"

"you cant seriously be defending him"

"I just dont like talking about people behind their back, you know?"

"whatever" he scoffed, taking a sip of his drink before pulling you onto his lap. "wait..." he stopped, thinking before laughing. "I thought....I thought you said you were sick?"

Your heart stopped the minuet he spoke, how could you forget your own fucking lie, more importantly, how is he just catching this?

"Oh I was feeling better, mhm. This morning I felt like shit but I figured it would be better to suck it up and go to the dinner anyways, should have stayed home!" you blurted out and got off his lap, standing to your feet.

"right" he eyed you, standing up as well as he put his drink down. "well....do you wanna go to bed?" he asked, doing that stupid smirk face that made you somewhat angry.

"uhm, well, yeah, but im really tired kai, also im still not feeling 100% you know? so, maybe we should sleep. just..sleep." you nodded quickly and turned around on the ball of your heel, only to be yanked around by the wrist.

Your eyes widened in shock at the sudden action from him, heart pounding in your ears. Was he drunk? who knows, but that was not an ok thing to do regardless.

"let go of me, what the fuck?" you breath out, trying to tug your hand out of his tightening grip.

"you arent lying to me about Taehyung right?"

"what? What are you talking ab- let go!"

"you wouldnt lie to avoid me, right? you and him arent doing shit behind my back?" he asked, anger in his voice, something youve never seen.

"No! theres nothing!! I promise, I was just sick and, kai you are scaring me please!" you whine, mad at the tears that showed up so quickly. He saw your eyes and immediately let go, making you yank yourself backwards quickly, allowing the tears to fall as you hugged yourself.

"oh my god, im so sorry baby, I didnt mean to d-"

You both looked down at the mark left on your wrist from his grip

"shit, im so.....im so sorry, y/n, listen-"

"get away from me!!" you yelled, "Im sleeping in the guest room, d-dont come in, sober the fuck up and dont touch me again, I swear to God..." your voice shakes as you spoke, aware that if he really wanted to, he could hurt you again.

you saw regret in his face, but it didnt matter. jealousy has always been an issue for him, but its never shown like this....it was scary.

you turn quickly to run upstairs, hiding in his guest bedroom and locking the door, you wanted to leave but also didnt have anywhere to go exactly. You promised to meet up with your friend Dahyun tomorrow for lunch, so you would have to ask her to pick you up earlier.

kaito looked at the wine glass that had spilled without him even knowing, sighing and sitting with his face in his hands instead of going after you.

Taehyung woke up the next morning in the same state he had fell asleep: mad, clothed, dirty, and missing you.

He knew he was fighting you when it was happening, but there was just an overstimulation of emotions that had over poured, and unfortunately, you happened to be the punching bag.

He made a mental note to call his parents and explain later as he walked into your room. you were still not there. Given the things he said, you doesn't blame you, however he would like to apologize.

He walked into the kitchen and looked at all the food, well, more like ingredients for meals he doesnt know how to make. You said something last night to him about him needing to depend on you with everything, including meals. It hurt, but it was right. He sighed and closed the fridge, moving to go sit on the couch in the quiet apartment before opening his phone to his social media’s.

He hated to see other people and how well they were doing, but he found himself online more often then he used to be, maybe it was to inspire or motivate him, he wasn’t sure. He scrolled across Annie’s art page, stopping to pay extra attention to one post in particular.

She was good, her art was something people would pay money to see, he understood why she would be in all the art classes she could find. The post showed her setting up at the banquet hall a few streets down, something about an art fair. Tae smiled and like the post, wanting to know more about it. He contemplated dming her, eventually just giving in and doing so.

Taehyung: hello Annie, it’s taehyung, you probably know that because you can see my name, anyways, I saw your recent post and was wondering what you were setting up for?

He tapped his phone with his fingers, feeling odd to text someone who wasn’t, well, you.

He was surprised to see her answer quickly

Annie: hey tae :)) i was hoping you would text soon enough. I’m setting up for an art festival at the Julie banquet hall! You should totally come if you aren’t busy :0!!!

He laughed and bit his nail, suddenly hearing your voice in his head telling him not to do that...bad habit.

He texted back

Taehyung: when is it?

Annie: it’s being held this entire week for a viewing, but next weekend there is a contest....winner gets a prize!

taehyung smiled and looked around, that could be huge for him. Maybe this was the universal sign from the universe he needed, a sign that his rash decisions were actually working out for him. He knew he probably wouldn’t be able to go down today, for obvious reasons other than the fact he needs a shower.

He also needed to prepare something worth winning, and that required time.

Taehyung: oh wow...that sounds really interesting. I’ll probably be down later this week, thanks for letting me know.

He tossed his phone to the side and began to head for his room, knowing that he wouldn’t leave until he created a masterpiece.

As fun as this was, he had to admit, it was a good distraction from you.

"How come kai couldnt just drop you off?" Dahyun looked over at you, taking a bite of her sandwich. "well, he was a bit hungover, he had a lot to drink last night" you cleared your throat, sipping your water.

It had been a while since you and your friend saw eachother, and going out for lunch together was nice, a step away from all the boy drama going on. You were in college, and you just wanted to do normal stuff and leave the high school shit behind.

Dahyun sat back and looked you over, concern on her face. "sweetheart are you alright?"

"why wouldnt I be?

"because you look like shit, in the nicest way. Have you been sleeping?"

you laugh, looking down at your hands, "yeah, ....well, no"

"mhm, whats going on?"

"tae and I got into a fight last night, and it was just really annoying because we are always fighting nowadays, I hate it."

"is that why you were at kaitos?"

you nodded, eyes looking out the window. "I should have just stayed at the apartment though. I hate to admit it but I kinda miss him, he hasnt texted me" you sighed and re-checked your phone.

"hes a grown man, y/n, he can handle shit"

you looked at your friend, quick to remind yourself that they dont see the true venerability of taehyung like you do, they dont know that he's just emotional and feels things differently than others, so as much as you hate to say it....he cant take care of himself.

"mm" you shrug, taking a bite of a fry. "lets just talk about something else?" you suggest

"okay, let me think...." dahyun smiled to herself, searching her brain for something to talk about. "Oh did you hear about chae?" she suddenly spoke up

"no, what about her? is she ok?"

"dude she had such a pregnancy scare, she called me 2 nights ago because she was fully convinced she was preggo....shes not though so its alright" she shrugged

your eyes widened at your friends words, "what?...how did I not know this? why didnt she call me?"

"well, not to start anything but...we kinda have been calling and texting you, but you dont seem to have time anymore, which is perfectly fine, but we miss you."

you slumped down into your seat, food on the plate in front of you has now gone cold and unedible. "I dont know, man. Life is so messy right now, theres just so much going on. I miss you guys like crazy, we need to plan like a sleepover or a girls weekend." you suggest, leaning into the palm of your hand sadly.

"hey, y/n, just breathe, everything will be okay. If you are free next weekend I know a friend of mine is throwing a really fun party, i'll text you the info if you are down to go?"

you smiled hopefully, not that you were the super most outgoing person on campus, but the idea of going to a party with other kids seemed like a set up to meet some new people.

"Dahyun that sounds really fun, yes please send me the info, is chae going?" you ask, pulling out your phone

"mhm, yep...but we are gonna have to keep her with us because her boyfriend is going...well now ex boyfriend considering they broke up over this whole 'almost pregnant' scare, and-"

you quickly shut out your friends voice as you checked your socials, suddenly coming across a photo taehyung had posted on his story of a painted canvas, seemed normal enough, except the fact someone was there with him. at your apartment.

you whip your head up, "I think I have to go, im sorry, uh, something just came up and I need to get home, but uhm, you'll have to text me about nate and chae!" you spoke quickly, grabbing your purse and standing. "Thank you for having me out, I really needed it. Dont forget to text me the party details!!" you sing as you hug her and make a dash for the door.

You exited the elevator and made your way down the hall quickly, searching for your keycard in your over packed purse before bumping into someone and falling to the floor.

"ow? hel-, oh.." you quiet down when your eyes meet the person waiting outside your apartment door. kaito.

"What are you doing here?" you quickly stood to your feet and brushed past him, still searching for the key.

"baby, you havent answered my calls, we need to talk about last night. Im so sorry, I never meant to make you feel unsafe, im going through so much and I just....I just, I dont know what happened, but im so sorry!" he rambled quickly, touching your back and making you stop your movements.

"kaito..."

"i know, im so sorry, i suck and im an asshole and you probably hate me, I would too"

you sighed as your hands fell to your sides, turning to face him. "you....you arent an asshole, dont say that." you breathe out, grabbing his hand "just promise me you'll cut down on the drinking or something...I dont wanna see that again." you felt guilt throughout your chest as he looked down.

"I promise, baby, I will"

you pulled him into a hug and squeezed him, rubbing his back and moving to kiss his cheek. "head home, now, please" you whispered, watching his face fall.

"wait why? I was hoping we could hang out or make food or something?" he gestures towards your front door. "hm, Im sorry kai, maybe after classes sometime this week, I have to handle something right now...you know how he is" you quieted your voice at the last part, watching your boyfriend nod.

"okay....just, uh, text me ok?"

you smiled and nodded, "of course"

once he made a turn for the hall, you placed your keycard into the door and walked into the apartment to see Annie and Taehyung in the kitchen. You usually werent too keen on having random people in your house, you and tae promised to not invite others there without letting eachother know.

"y/n..." tae turned and saw you, making annie stop whisking whatever was in the bowl she held.

"tae" you nod, waving quietly to the short girl behind him. "didnt know there was something going on today" you joke, putting your bag down and walking in with arms crossed over your body.

"I just invited her over because it was a little too quiet over here" he joked, looking at her and smiling.

"ah I see" you smile and lean against the island counter. "what are you guys making?"

"apple pie" annie cheerfully responds, moving to her phone to change the song that was playing

"oh, yummy" you awkwardly reply, somewhat angry that she was in your kitchen and took it upon herself to use your ingredients that you bought yourself.

"tae, can we talk?" you turn to him, talking quietly.

"yeah..." he looked over at annie, "ill be right back"

she replied with a thumbs up before returning to her baking, reading the recipe off tae's phone.

You led him into your room before shutting the door and leaning against it, the boy looking back at you like he was expecting to get yelled at. "I'm sorry" you exhale, "For the other night, I dont wanna keep doing this with you" you shrug

"I dont wanna fight with you either." he spoke simply, biting the inside of his cheek nervously.

"I dont...I dont really know whats been going on with us but I rather just sit and be your friend than your enemy, you know"

he nodded, "you are right, and Im sorry too, all that shit I said, I didnt mean it, It was out of frustration which still isnt okay bu-"

you cut him off with a hug, "its okay"

he took a moment before wrapping his arms around you in return, "Are you mad she is here?" he whispered, "no...just wish you would have texted me...."

"i know, im sorry" he shook his head, sighing. "um, also, my parents called and I explained kinda the situation simply and they seemed to understand somewhat. I spoke honestly with them about how their words effected me and shit, and they said they would try to stop...well...mostly my mom will try to stop" he laughed, making you smile.

"they want us to go over to their house before they go back home, sometime later this week. I know you have classes and stuff but even if its just for one night over there, ill drive you to school in the morning if you need" he added.

"okay, we will work it out, im proud of you for sticking up for yourself" you laughed softly, making him look down shyly. "did you take your medication today?" you remembered to ask suddenly

he looked up at you and pressed his lips together before hesitantly shaking his head, "uh...I forgot.."

you sigh, "okay, lets go take it" you grabbed his hand and went back into the kitchen, brushing past annie to get to the medicine cabinet.

You took notice of how the girl eyed you and your hand against his, making you smirk to yourself. Even if you and tae were just friends, you knew no one would ever be able to squeeze between you both, not kaito nor annie.

"here, bubs" you whisper, handing him his pill and a water bottle

"whats that?" annie spoke up, cutting up apples on your good cutting board you didnt even get to use yet, making your eye twitch.

"allergy meds" taehyung spoke up, taking a sip of water as you look back at him with sympathetic eyes, his face telling you to just not say anything. His ADHD was something he assumed he should be ashamed of, something people would always use to blame his behavior on.

He didnt want to be that, he just wanted to be Taehyung.

Annie nodded and patted her hands on her apron before moving to the next thing, engaging in conversation with taehyung. "so what were you saying before she came in?" she asked, catching you off guard as you threw your hands up and walked over to tidy the living room area.

"Oh I was just talking about the art thing and how-"

"tae.." you stopped fluffing the pillows to turn to him, making annie sigh as you once again interrupted their conversation.

"what?" he looked around, confused.

"why arent you working? todays a work day?"

"oh, uh-...."

Annie smiled, "I didnt know you had a job, where do you work?"

Tae looked between the two of you before speaking up, "well...I used to work at this buisn-"

"used to? you got fired??" you walked over and held his arm

"no no....I quit, like....last week" he huffed, seeming relieved to get it off his chest. "tae, why did you, what?? why would you do that?" you looked at him seriously, knowing that there was no income for you two anymore.

"because I plan to apply for college again, I have a whole thing in the works, y/n, I promise, I didnt just do it on a whim" he spoke quickly

"y/n, he can handle himself" annie sarcastically spoke with a smile

"kindly leave please, him and I need to talk" you finally looked back at her, making her plead to taehyung.

"what? but we were doing something!" she puts the rolling pin down when tae shrugged, "im sorry annie, ill text you okay?" he walked her out before apologizing again and shutting the door.

"well aint she the sweetest" you scoff and collapse on the couch. "come here please" you spoke calmly, wanting to approach this correctly. Taehyung walked over slowly and sat on the couch next to you, keeping his body close and away from you.

You took a deep breath in and looked at him, "tae, honey, why did you do that?"

he shrugged, sighing.

"look at me"

he turned his head around to you after a few seconds, revealing the tears in his eyes. "tae..."

you are quick to wrap him into your arms, "its ok, im not mad. I just wish you told me, everything makes more sense now" you mumble

"Im sorry for not saying anything, I was just so unhappy working there and I just had to leave" he chokes out, face hidden into your shoulder. your hand finds his hair as he gently pulls away.

"i'll find a side job or something, but I really am serious about this school thing" he quickly muttered as you wiped his tears.

"Its okay...I can probably pick up tutoring for Mrs.Chin again, she pays well and if I do it after classes everyday it'll probably be enough to sustain rent" you sigh, rubbing his arm.

you watched as the boys face was filled with regret and sadness, making your heart split in two. "dont tell my parents, please" he whispers

"no...of course not" you smile lightly, "ive learned my lesson"

Taehyung laughed and leaned back against the end of the couch, head looking up at the ceiling. "so....we can talk more later if you like, but for now lets go finish making that apple pie" you leaned into him jokingly, making him laugh.

You two got up and walked into the kitchen "why did you let her use my cutting board" you pouted

"im sorry" he smiled shyly "If it counts, I know nothing about how to bake, and if I was the one making the pie we would all be food poisoned."

you laughed, "i'll teach you"

You two sat in Taehyungs bedroom, both eating a slice of apple pie as he played some game on his Xbox, you watching.

"so..." you began, scarping your fork on your plate. "art, huh?"

he paused his game and turned to you, smiling, "what?"

"youre passionate about it?"

"yeah, I suppose" he shrugged, watching you get up and walk over to his desk. "I saw these on instagram, they are actually quite nice" you added, eyeing them over as he came up behind you. "yeah, those were just some doodling to be honest." he itched his neck.

"but uh, im working on something big. Can I show you?" he spoke, watching you nod before pulling a canvas from his closet and placing it down.

The sketch included an empty, bare forest of trees in the center of a town square, details to a perfect ten on even the smallest things. "Its not done, not in the slightest but..."

"woah.....holy shit tae, you...wow" you were actually in awe. You knew he liked art, but this was beyond anything youve seen from him, it genuinely made you feel something. "this is really beautiful, is this pencil work?"

"thank you" he mumbled shyly, a blush on his face, "yeah, its pencil, I plan to add color to everything but the tree, itll remain black and white." he spoke, looking it over himself.

"does it mean anything?" you pondered aloud.

"well...its like this, trees lose everything they have in the winter, no leaves no flowers, nothing, right?" he spoke as you listened, "yet they still are just...there, while everything continues to progress and move around them, because they know if they wait, whats theirs will grow back."

"wow...." you said again, truly speechless by his work. Clearly you underestimated him, because this is beyond anything youve seen.

He looked at you lovingly before clearing his throat and putting it away again, "yeah... its for this art contest that Annie told me about. Winner gets like, a cash prize, im not sure how much, but it doesnt matter because they also win a trip to a really cool art museum in Paris" he looked back at you.

"Paris?...wow tae, I have no doubts you will win this"

"dont jinx it" he teased, walking back to his chair.

you put your hands up in defense, giggling. "so is it an art show?" you asked, following him

"yeah, I was actually gonna ask if you wanted to come....the exhibit is all this week and I plan on going on friday....was gonna ask if you'd wanna come with?" he spoke quietly, hopeful tone evident.

"hmm..I would love to" you smiled and grabbed his plate to clear, heading towards the kitchen

"oh, also...." he sat up, making you turn to him. "whats up?" you ask,

"I know this is kinda odd, but would you mind if you just...like, slept in here tonight?"

your eyes widened at him, making him feel like he overstepped

"I shouldnt have said that im sorry, I just didnt sleep last night and I always fall asleep quickly with you"

you giggled quietly, "no its okay, ill sleep here alright?" you watched his face light up , nodding

"thank you..."

"what happened to your arm?" tae asked as you climbed into his bed and shut the light off.

"what do you mean?" you were confused, sitting the side opposite of him. Taehyung pointed to your wrist, oh...yeah, that.

"oh I burnt myself, curling iron. wasnt paying attention" you sighed as he frowned. "be careful, ok?"

you nodded, "ok"

once you both were in and under the covers, the silence was welcoming. To be fair, you slept best here too, and the last time you laid here the circumstances were completely different, so it was a bit weird.

You laughed to yourself when you heard his soft snores after a few minuets, he wasnt joking. you lifted your arm and raised your fingers across your wrist.

be careful

there was so much to be careful about, and if only he knew the full extent of it.

You looked over at the sleeping boy next to you before turning to your side and closing your eyes, allowing yourself to just be here, in his bed, in this very moment, because it gave you the safety and comfort you needed so badly

be careful .....

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mayrose713 · 2 years

Text

We'll Always Have Each Other (Pt 2)

Steve Harrignton x fem!reader,

slight Best Friend Eddie Munson x fem!reader

Summary: Steve finds out about Y/n’s self harm after picking her up from her best friends trailer. This is pt2, please read pt1 before you read this part.

Warnings (Pls DONT read if any of these are triggering for you or makes you uncomfortable): Swearing, abuse, depression, self harm, panic attacks, trauma, ptsd, drugs, smoking, slight nudity but nothing explicit, fluff

Word Count: 2404

Pt1

A/N: Sorry for taking so long to get part two up, been dealing with a lot this last week but here y’all go. Most things that I write are based closely on my own experiences and traumas, this way I can write a better and happier ending though. If you go through anything similar please know you are not alone and you are always welcome to message me if you need to talk.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The drive to Steve’s house was silent, Y/n just watching out the window at the passing houses and trees with her head pressed against the glass. While Steve kept his eyes on the road glancing over at his girlfriend every once and awhile, one hand on the steering wheel the other on her thigh rubbing his thumb in soothing circles.

“I’m sorry.” Steve finally said after pulling into his driveway and putting the car in park.

“What?”

“I’m sorry.” He said again, grabbing her hand to just hold. “I’m so fucking sorry Y/n/n.”

“Why are you sorry?” She placed the hand he wasn’t holding on his cheek.

“Because I’m your boyfriend, I should have been there to protect you.” He explains with tears brimming his eyes as he looks at her bruised cheek. “I can protect you from other dimension monsters but the real monster was in your own home this whole time.”

“Don’t beat yourself up about this Steve.” She wiped away a tear that fell down his cheek. “You didn’t know, I never told you or let Eddie tell you about any of this.”

“But still, I should have known something was up.” He closed his eyes while laying his head back against the headrest. “I mean it all makes sense, why you never wanted to go swimming, always wore long sleeves even in the hottest of summers, never really let me touch you. I should have realized something was wrong so much sooner.”

“Steve, baby. I did everything I could for you not to find out.” She started to cry again, making him look back at her.

“Why don’t we finish discussing this inside love.” Steve opened the door before going around and opened her door for her. “My parents are out of town for the week so we’ve got the place to ourselves right now. You can stay as long as you need to.”

Y/n just nodded her head and followed Steve inside his house and up to his room. She sat on his bed playing with her charm bracelet while watching him rummage through his dresser.

“Here’s a shirt for you to sleep in.” He finally turned around with one of his old Hawkins High shirts in hand. “It’s going to be pretty big on you but at least it’s something comfy.”

“Thank you Steve.” She gave a forced smile while hesitantly reaching out to take it seeing it was a short sleeve shirt making her nervous.

“Is that blood?” Instead of giving her the shirt he grabbed her hand gently to inspect the blood on her sleeve. “Y/n, did he hurt you more than just your cheek?”

“No. It must just be from when I used my sleeve to wipe the blood earlier.” She lied, knowing it was from one of the cuts on her wrist opening back up when they grabbed her earlier. “He just smacked me and his ring cut my cheek.”

“Baby, please don’t lie to me.” Steve begged. “You don’t have to keep anything from me, I just want to help you.”

“He didn’t hurt me anywhere else today Steve. I promise.” She tried reassuring him but it wasn’t working. “He only smacked me before I ran out of the house and went to Eddie’s.”

“What happened?”

“My moms always drunk when I get home from work and so my step dad expects me to cook dinner and have it ready by the time he gets home.” She starts to explain while not looking up at him. “Well I got home from my shift later than I usually do so dinner wasn’t ready when he got home. He said I can never do anything right and how I’m a worthless piece of shit. Said I’m lucky he lets me live in his house and he can’t wait for me to turn eighteen next month so he can be rid of me for good. When I tried standing up for myself he hit me to shut me up. So I left before he could do anymore.”

“You’re safe now baby girl.” Steve wiped the tears from her cheeks she didn’t know she had shed. “You won’t ever have to see that bastard again.”

“How Steve, I have nowhere else to go. I have to go back home eventually.” She sobbed as he pulled her into his chest.

“I’m calling Hopper first thing in the morning and we’ll get this figured out, I promise.” He rubbed soothing circles on her back. “For now, why don’t we get ready for bed.”

Y/n moved away from Steve who then gave her his shirt from before. She just sat there looking at it not sure what to do anymore but she knew she could no longer hide her biggest secret from her boyfriend anymore.

“What’s wrong?” He asked after noticing her lack of effort to get ready for bed.

“You’re going to hate me.” She put her hands over her face as she laid back on the bed trying not to cry again.

“Now why would I hate you? I love you so much.” Steve leaned over her, keeping his arms on either side of her so as to not crush her with his weight. “Come on baby, look at me please.”

“No.” She said while shaking her head.

“Why not?”

“BecauseIliedtoyou.” She said quickly while it was also muffled in her hands.

“Y/n I can’t understand you right now.” He tried gently removing her hands from her face but she wouldn’t budge leaving him no choice but to grab her wrists and force them away from her face though he wasn’t rough at all.

“Ow.” She hissed, as he placed her hands above her head.

“I’m sorry Y/n, I didn’t mean to hurt you but…” He trailed off as he noticed her sleeve having rolled up a bit showing the cuts and scars on her wrist.

Y/n noticed the horror on his face when she realized what exactly he was looking at. She wiggled her way out from underneath him while he was still in shock and curled in on herself.

“It’s not what you think.” She said.

“What do you mean it’s not what I think?” He started to raise his voice a little as he stood up straight now rubbing his face and started to pace.

“I’m sorry.” Y/n brought her legs up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them.

“How long have you been hurting yourself?” He asked. “A few weeks, a month?”

“Longer.” She mumbled trying not to sob. “Almost a year.”

“A year? A fucking year.” He yelled, pulling at his hair in frustration. “Jesus Christ.”

“I’ll just go home.” Y/n quickly slid off the bed and tried to get to the door before Steve processed what she said but she wasn’t fast enough as he grabbed both sides of her waist and blocked her path.

“Oh no you don’t. There’s no fucking way you’re going back to the hellhole with that bastard.” He growled out.

“It’s fine Steve. I’m fine. I'll live.” She told him now fully crying and having a bit of trouble breathing.

“But you’re not fine.” He then realized he’s being a bit too harsh as he noticed her breathing falter. “I just want to help you.”

“N-no. You don’t have to deal with me. I’m not worth it. I-I’m a shitty girlfriend and-and…”

“Hey, hey. You need to breathe.” He pulled her to him and sat down on his bed with her in his lap, head against his chest soothing her the best that he could. “Come on baby girl, breathe for me. I’ve got you. Just copy my breathing. Deep breath in… and out.”

She gripped onto his shirt as he coached her and tried her best to do what he says. He clearly has no intentions of letting her go until she’s calmed down from her panic attack.

“I’m s-sorry. You shouldn’t have to deal with me…”

“Don’t say that.” He cut her off, pulling away to properly look at her, grabbing her cheeks. “I love you baby. I will do anything for you. Please let me help you.”

“You don’t hate me?” She asked, still very scared about everything that has happened so far.

“Of course not darling. I could never hate you.” He kissed her forehead. “I love you, don't ever forget that.”

“I love you too.” She whispered.

“Now can I have a look at your arms please?” He rubbed her cheek softly.

She nodded her head as he pulled up her sleeves to see the angry red lines, which a few of the more recent ones had opened back up again and were bleeding. He couldn’t help but notice all the faded scars, too many to count. He then grabbed the back of her thighs, picking her up and took her to the bathroom placing her on the counter.

“How have you been treating them?” He asked, going back to inspecting her arms under the better lighting.

“I never thought about doing that.” She lowered her head for being stupid.

“It’s okay. I just don’t want them to get infected.” He said while grabbing the first aid kit from the cabinet before placing himself between her legs and grabbed what he needed. “I’ll help you with it, it’ll all be okay.”

He started cleaning her wounds, apologizing each time she hissed or whimpered in pain then wrapped them in bandages before kissing the back of her hand. He then cleaned the wound on her cheek before putting a small band aid over it and rested his hand on her cheek causing her to lean into his touch.

“Thank you.” She gave him a small smile.

“Anytime baby girl.” He smiled back. “Now can you truthfully tell me if you’ve hurt yourself anywhere else.”

“I haven’t.” She shook her head. “But…”

“But what?”

Y/n proceeded to pull her shirt off revealing the very large purple and black bruise on her ribs and several others scattered around her torso. He also noticed a few on her back from the mirror behind her, all of the bruises ranging in different colors due to the time they’ve had to heal.

“Oh my god Y/n.” He gasped. “How are you even moving around just fine? It looks like they would all hurt like hell.”

“I guess you could say I’ve gotten used to the pain from years of this.” She mumbled.

“I promise you that you will never have to experience any of this ever again.” Steve reassured her while looking through the first aid kit again. “I know I’ve got an ointment or something that can help sooth the bruises.”

After finding it he started applying the cream to all of her bruises. Apologizing when he pressed too hard on some of the worse ones. Y/n just watched as he did this, unable to keep her eyes off him. How did she get so lucky to have him?

“What are you staring at?” He asked, bringing her out of her trance once he was done.

“You.” She mumbled as he placed his hands on her thighs. “I don’t deserve you Steve Harrington.”

“No, you’ve got it wrong.” He smiled a little. “It’s the other way around, I don’t deserve you. You’re just so perfect.”

“Perfect?” She scrunched up her eyebrows before gesturing her arms out. “I’m broken.”

“You’re not broken, baby, this is just proof of how hard you have fought.” He pulled her to him, kissing her forehead. “I know I can’t force you to stop but please, please let me know if you ever have the need to harm again. And especially tell me if it got too much and you did hurt yourself, I promise I won’t be mad. I just want to help in any way I can.”

“But you also have so much to deal with too.” She reminded him. “I don’t want to burden you with my problems as well.”

“You aren’t burdening me with shit.” He placed his finger under her chin to have her properly look up at him. “We’ll always have each other! No matter what, okay?”

“Okay.” She smiled up at him. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” He gave her a quick peck to the lips. “Now let’s go to bed. Tomorrow will be a new day and we’ll get this all figured out.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hey man, how’s our girl doing?” Eddie asked from the other side of the phone after Steve asked to use it at the police station while he sat waiting for Y/n and Hopper to finish up.

“She’s talking with Hop right now seeing if they are able to make a case against her mom and step dad.” He explained. “I had gotten her cuts and bruises all patched up last night.”

“So she told you everything then.” Eddie sighed in relief knowing he didn’t have to keep his best friend's secret from her boyfriend any longer. “What’s the plan for her now?”

“She is going to stay with me for the time being no matter what happens. Hop said he would accompany her to her house to get her belongings to take back to mine.” He explains. “Then once she and Robin turn eighteen the four of us will be able to get a place all together like we’ve been planning.”

“Good. That is if she’s still wanting me to move in with you guys.” Eddie pointed out. “Tell her I’m sorry again for telling you and breaking our promise.”

“I will, don’t worry. Though I’m pretty sure she’s no longer mad at you.” Steve reassured the other male. “I bet she’ll be asking me if you and Robin can come over later.”

“Thanks man for keeping me updated.” Eddie laughed a little at Steve’s joke. “At least now all we will have to worry about with her is the nightmares and panic attacks which we all suffer from so.”

“We’re all here for each other. It’s the best we can do.” Steve said while fiddling with the charms on his key chain. “I’m sure I’ll see you later.”

“Alright, see you later.” And with that they hung up.

And sure enough Y/n wasn’t mad at Eddie any more having asked Steve if he and Robin could come over for a movie night.

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bwobgames · 1 year

Text

Previous First

They go upstairs

After processing the knowledge that he basically asked for a one night stand, even though he is the kind of man who is afraid of such levels of intimacy with strangers, Detective Beebo is once again facing a fear

"I didn't think this house was gonna be so big... well, it is a mansion, so I should've expected it, but still!

So unsettling... especially this particular corridor. It's dreadful

"I'll just ... keep my eye on the rooms"

"Let's stick together. This house is too big"

"I agree, i don't like it either"

Oliver walks towards the room on the right, but the man quickly changes his direction to the door on the left.

He had a strange expression.

They open the door

"And there was only one bed"

"We can find another room with more beds"

"No, it's fine, let's just sit"

"So! This is a murder mystery party, right? Are we gonna be given roles like in Clue? I've only heard of these puzzle solving parties from other mystery fans on forums and I always wanted to be in one but you either needed an invitation or a ton of money so I never went and- So sorry, I'm rambling, anyways you could be the rich girl and I could be the butler, he's the guy who knows everyone's bussiness!"

"I just hope it's not an Among us party, I've heard those dont end well"

"Haha, yeah, I ... I don't think that's what's happening."

"Thank god, honestly, I'd be satisfied with a simple escape room"

"No, no, I mean

this is not a party at all"

"... Go on"

"This is a fundraising for a museum, something about a great hospital in a time of need.

But the invitation said nothing about it, and it seems the host didn't approve of the invitation either"

"Also, my reporter friend has told me that no one has seen or heard of Mr. Eugene Coli until this party, coincidentally, all of the guests here are related to him somewhat"

"Well, except you, for some reason"

"Do you see what I'm getting at? Eugene Coli reunited all of us here, and I don't think it was for good intentions"

"In fact, I think we are all in danger"

"Oh, this is serious, I should take off my hat to show respect to his hypothesis"

"That's a big accusation to make, but ... I can see some merit to it. A gut feeling of sorts"

"He did upload a video speedrunning OSHA violations, some even reaching workplace abuse, so it wouldn't be a stretch to assume he isn't the most benevolent person around"

"So... what? You think he might be making another weird speedrun with us instead?"

"I don't know, I'm not as good as you at detective work. All I know is that this man might very well be hunting us for sport, and we need to get out of here as soon as possible"

"... Even if what you're saying is true, we can't. There's a giant storm outside. We would get lost on the way to the village or straight-up freeze"

"We have to investigate this further"

"But what if that only puts you in more danger??"

"It's a risk we have to take. Once we figure out what is happening, we can counter it. I mean, we don't even know why or how he would harm all of us!"

"For fun, probably."

He looks angry

"Maybe, but we have to make sure, if we know more about the man, we can predict his moves"

"Don't worry, We'll do it together! This is not the first time I've heard someone wants to kill me"

"... I believe that.

I just. Would prefer to just be safe"

Seems like this guy is a rookie. Poor guy must be really stressed

"Don't be scared

I'll protect you"

He looks a little sad

"We should start by investigating his speedrunning stunt and see if something correlates. No one really knows what motivated that either"

"... I think someone here knows"

"... Who's that"

"I'll take you to them"

#this is a bit of right answer or wrong answer #if you go to someone who doesnt know what you want to find #then you'll have to wait another poll to ask someone else #like a videogame!!#detective beebo

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mueritos · 2 years

Note

How do you feel abt the topic of transmisandry? I personally don’t like the term (bc it implies that misandry is real), but a lot of discussions of specific transmasc oppression and transman oppression have devolved into people saying transmasc oppression is small potatoes and (in some cases I’ve seen) not real or just a by product of misogyny and there doesn’t seem to be any other term or tag where we can talk abt the oppression specific to transmascs , particularly trans men of color. So I wanted to ask your opinion on it, if you had one.

Hmm. I've had different ideas about transmisandry in the post and have sortve agreed with some aspects of it. I'll be inserting a read more.

It's true that transmen are treated much differently than transwomen, ciswomen, and cismen. But I also don't think coining this oppression as "misandry" is helping anyone. People don't hate transmen because we're men, they hate us because they think we're women. Terfs believe we're sisters lost to the patriarchy and trans agender, transphobes dont even see us as men, and lots of cis queer people infantilize transmen because we're seen as men-lite, again, not even as men. We're fetishized because we are seen as men-lite or as "pussy boys" (again, viewing us as women, and ofc theres nothing wrong with transmen calling themselves pussy boys, its just weird when cis people do it). I do genuinely believe we have, will, and do experience misogyny, only because misogyny affects everyone. Just because a cis man isn't going to be targeted by misogyny, he is still affected by it because of his distance from misogyny (he's not viewed as a second rate human for being a man), he profits off of it, but he is also forced to be a misogynist and internalize misogynist ideas that in the end do not allow him to be emotional, a caretaker, a father, a parent, a husband, and a good person.

Transmen do experience misogyny for the fact that we have lived as women, whether some of us view that period in our lives as us being women or just performing femininity; to be honest, it doesn't matter, because any perception of femininity is seen as inferior. I don't think its wrong to say that transmen experience misogyny, nor is it transphobic to say this. Like I mentioned before, misogyny affects everyone, and we all gain and lose from it in many ways. Female abusers gain from misogyny because they're seen as simply "crazy girlfriends/wives,etc" who do harm that is normalized within that archetype, harm that society as a whole accepts. Transmen gain from misogyny the moment we're seen as "cis-passing", because men will switch up their language around another man in regards to what they say about women. But transmen are affected by reproductive rights, sexual health access (abortion, family planning, birth control, STI/STD testing), and transmen are infantilized largely because we are still see as a lesser sex than cisgender men, something which I would argue IS misogyny. As a transmasc latine, I've had to face heavy gender norms that largely did not shift at all for me even after I transitioned. I was still expected to keep the house clean, cook, take care of children when needed, and while this should be expected of everyone, it was still something that was never expected or even seen in the cismen of my family. In fact, a lot of transmascs of color have to navigate the role of both, and while this is optimal as really everyone should just be doing both roles (and roles as in let's de-gender their functions, like everyone should be cooking, cleaning, doing housework, yardwork, child rearing, etc), it is again not really expected from cis men in communities.

I do think we can come up with a better term, and I've always opted to say "trans oppression" or "transmasc oppression", because while our infantilization and dehumanization IS different according to our status as transmen, I still have a hard time believing it is COMPLETELY different from womens'. I don't think there's anything wrong with being a transmasc who is open to the fact that we still have proximity to womanhood, much like transfemmes can be honest about their proximity to malehood. This isn't to say that transmascs or transfemmes have a "male priviledge" or that transmascs ARE women and that transfemmes are secretly men, or whatever else the terfs say, I think its just a fact that because we have to oscillate between various genders, roles, and identities, that that has made us gain the experiences of those roles we've had to inhabit, voluntary or not. I spend a lot of time in women's spaces, not just because as a feminist one should, but because women's spaces used to be for me! And truthfully, I think women's spaces should be open to trans people; our oppression is rooted in misogyny, just as it is rooted in racism, ableism, sexism, homophobia, and etc.

As for a better term, I think its best to leave that up to the members of our community who have largely shaped it. My proximity to whiteness is far greater than other trans people, so if anyone were to come up with new language or terms, I would prefer to use the ones created by BIPOC trans people. I think it's one of the reasons why I prefer saying "trans oppression" instead of specifying a oppression; when we use hyper specific terms, we move away from the various intersections and similarities between other communities and their oppressions, similarities and communities who I think we need to have better connections and solidarity with. I think we can talk about how transmisogyny primarily affects the lives and well-being's of transwomen and still acknowledge that misogyny also affects transmen without stepping on any toes. I say this, of course, with disclaiming that we can't say this without acknowledging intersectionality (as I always make these claims with intersectionality in mind, but I do have to disclaim because I also realize not everyone walks through life with these intersections constantly in mind). Racism, ableism, colorism, etc need to be acknowledged in order to help those who need social networks, assistance, and aid the most.

I understand the need to label everything we feel; it brings community and a term to rally behind. But I think using the language we already have can do the conversation justice, we just need to have these conversations with nuance, which unfortunately for a lot of people, they just like...do not have. The lack of queer history, solidarity, and queer experience that so many people have...and then these are the people that end up speaking the loudest. The best thing i can say is build solidarity and community, continue learning, continue talking, and get off the internet. Queer spaces are much more meaningful IRL than online.

I hope that helped a bit. It's a bit lengthy and i could keep talking, but I would rlly appreciate any further thoughts, ideas, or critiques :)

#muertoresponds #trans stuff #seeing as im not a transwomen pls lmk if i stepped on any toes at all during this post and ill adjust accordingly!

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chachamaru-s · 2 years

Text

red red wine

akaza x fem!reader tags: period sex, oral sex (f!receiving), menstrual blood eating, squirting, modern au, probably the least sexy smut you’ll ever read word count: ~2.9k a/n: look i dont usually write smut, and certainly not of this variety, but the thought wouldn’t leave me alone. i dont know who the target audience is for this, but i hope you enjoy. its a modern au im assuming at some point during canon akaza broke muzan’s curse and thats why he’s still kicking. yes the title is a joke i couldn’t come up with anything

The day is stifling, so hot and humid that even laying on your futon with the fan blowing on high directly on you, your boyfriends tank top sticks to your skin. You can bring yourself to do nothing more than lay there, fanning yourself with a cheap one dollar hand fan with one hand and clutching at your panty line with the other. If it was just one thing or the other, you think you could have handled it. But as it was, you were having to deal with a nightmare of a heatwave and cramps from hell. You were used to the latter, at least, having always had a heavy period with lots of bloating and cramping. It did not make it any more pleasant. You thought, with humor, that at least it was nice that now you had someone to take care of you, leaving you to do what you really wanted to: slump around the house in misery.

Akaza was, like a good, dutiful boyfriend, making a run to the convenience store to pick up some pads and candy for you. Now that the sun had set, he was free to do so, and was happy to as well. He always told you that doting on you was his favorite pastime, and by the way he did it, you could only assume that was fact. He'd been gone long enough that you start to wonder when he'll be home, eager to make him crawl into bed with you and hold you. When you'd first met, you'd been alarmed by his low body temperature, his skin cool to the touch. Now, and especially on days like this, you were glad of that difference between the two of you.

No sooner than you had the thought did the door open, signaling his arrival. "Babe, I'm home!" He calls. You can hear the jangle of keys as he drops them onto the counter, the rustle of the bag carrying goods for you. You smile to yourself at how lucky you are to have such a dutiful boyfriend. At first, when you'd found out he was a demon, you weren't sure how you could proceed in a relationship with him. But as time went on, it became a non-issue. You didn't ask about his eating habits, didn't have to know, and felt safe in the knowledge that he'd never harm you. That was all that mattered, at the end of the day, wasn't it?

"I'm in here!" You call back, still fanning yourself and laying down against the pillows on your futon. You watch the door frame expectantly, waiting to catch a glimpse of your beloved. You don't have to wait long before his figure is there, entering the room. He's wearing his disguise right now, the one where he looks more like Hakuji than Akaza. It makes him less conspicuous when he goes out, more like a human and less like the ageless demon he is.

"Brought you something." He says with a sly smile, and that's all Akaza. It's so easy, then, to see him as you first did: pink hair to match impossibly long lashes, markings all over his body and face, skin as pale as the moonlight cast on him. You smile back, and he goes on, dropping the bag beside you on the futon. "We got pads," He picks them up and tosses them to the side, "Don't worry, they're the kind you like. We got a variety of chocolate, some peach rings and jelly beans. All your favorites - I don't know how you eat this trash." He grumbles the last sentiment, wadding up the now empty bag and shoving it in his pocket.

You laugh at him, bringing the fan to cover your smile as you retort. "You eat people." You say it simply as if there's no room for argument, and Akaza pauses. It's always felt like an off limit topic, something the two of you didn't talk about. But you couldn't help yourself, and the look on his face was well worth it. You snickered at him as his shock melted into indignation.

"Only people who deserve it!" He defends, so cute and serious that you decide to run with this. You truly do not fault him his diet, and know that he is selective on who he eats like some sort of vigilante. But you enjoy messing with him, and in truth, you think he enjoys it too if the spark in his eyes has anything to say about it.

"Who deserves to be eaten?" You ask and immediately he sputters. The two of you stare into each other's eyes for a moment, an unspoken challenge between you. The fan covering your smile is starting to shake with the effort of trying to hide your amusement and for his part his lips are twisting slowly into a smile. After a minute or two, the pair of you burst into laughter, looking at one another with humor and affection.

"Come here," you say sweetly, throwing your arms open to welcome him. He climbs into your embrace, wrapping himself around you and nuzzling the sweat-slick skin at the crook of your neck. You shiver at the sensation, sensitive around your neck and he knows it. You can feel him smile against the skin there. His body is cool against yours, but you suddenly feel impossibly hot, in a way that has nothing to do with the temperature of the day. "Thank you," you start on a sigh, "You're so good to me." and you mean it. He took care of you in so many ways, every day since the pair of you had gotten together.

"I can be even better," He whispers, breath hot against your skin as his teeth grazed the sensitive flesh there. It was a wonder, that you trusted a demon like him with his, and when he bit into the skin just shy of breaking it, you let out a moan. He laved your skin with his tongue before he released his bite. "You smell so good like this." He mouths against your neck.

Your breath hitches. "Like what? Sweaty and bleeding?" You ask as if you don't already know the answer. Akaza has never said as much, but when you were on your period, he was always nuzzling into you. You wondered what his superhuman senses picked up on during this time of the month that he liked so much. You didn't think it really mattered much - you just wanted him to keep sucking at your neck, gripping at your hip and kneading the flesh there.

"Mmhmm." Is his only answer, he's too busy running his hands up your waist, not stopping until his hands cup your sensitive breasts, thumbs flicking over already hardening nipples. "Do you want me to keep touching you?" He asks, pulling away enough to look you in your eyes. You're already getting excited, heat coiling deep in your belly just at the way he handles you.

Your immediate thought is yes! yes! but you're afraid that if you open your mouth, an embarrassing sound will come out. His thumbs are still working circles over sensitive buds so you bite your lip and nod your head, earning a chuckle from Akaza. You should have known that wouldn't be good enough for him. Before you can even blink, he's pinching your stiff nipples between his fingers.

"Use your words." He sounds teasing, the way he knows makes you want to play hard to get. But he has you gasping right now, pinching you where you're sensitive. He knows this, too, if the smirk on his face is anything to go by. Half of you wants to wipe that smirk from his face, the other half wants to let him have his way with you. Your periods always make you hormonal, and with those hormones comes the itch to feel Akaza's touch all over.

"Akaza...please." you shifted your hips towards him, hoping to draw his attention there.

"'Please' what, (y/n)?" He's being impossible, because he knows how to get what he wants. His hands drift down your waist again, to your panty line where he tugs at the elastic with his fingers. You think he's going to give in first, this time. That he won't make you beg for him. You're wrong, of course, and when this becomes apparent, you let out a short whine.

"Please touch me." You try to keep the need from your tone, but you're sure you failed by the way Akaza's eyes darken.

"Should I guess where you want me to touch you?" He asks, abandoning the elastic of your panties with a snap to draw his hands towards your face. "Here?" He asks, pulling you close to press a lingering kiss to your lips. His hands travel to your neck, where he leans in and presses his lips against the little marks he'd previously left there. "Or here?" He's teasing you now, hands wandering further down to your breasts. "Maybe here." He says as if he's thoughtful, as if he doesn't know where you ache to feel him. You make a noise of frustration, and he has the nerve to chuckle at you.

"Oh, I know," He starts, his hand inching ever lower, "you want to be touched here." He cups your mound with just enough pressure that you feel it through your pad. He's being a little shit on purpose, teasing you through your pad until your hips move to seek his touch. "Needy." He chastises, amusement and want etched across his features as he tugs your panties down.

"We're gonna make a mess!" You protest, as if it's just now occurring to you that you're on your period and the two of you have never been intimate when such was the case. For his part, he looked unimpressed by your admittedly weak protest.

"I'll put a towel down. Any mess left after, I'll take care of." He promises, removing himself from between your thighs to go grab your oldest, rattiest towel. He lifts you by your legs like you're a baby to place it under you and get back to his task of removing your panties. "There? Can I go on now?"

"Sure." You say, and you don't sound nearly as put out as you intend to, instead taking in a breath of anticipation as he discards your underwear and spreads your legs. You shift under his intent gaze, he's looking at you like he wants to eat you right up. It occurs to you, then, that that may very well be his intention. Maybe you were to be a snack between his meals. The thought made you heady with want despite yourself.

"Fuck, you look delicious." He says, reverent, and you think he might mean that literally. You're not afraid, however, despite knowing his nature. No one has ever made you feel safer, more desired than Akaza has in the few months you've been dating and besides - you know he doesn't eat women. You trusted him, and his ability to reign in any blood lust that may come with being exposed to your bleeding cunt.

"Is the big bad demon going to eat me?" You ask demurely, pointing your toe to nudge him in the chest with it. His hand instantly catches your ankle and he yanks, drawing you closer to him with his enormous strength. You love it when he gets like this, using his strength freely to handle you. He was always careful not to be too overpowering, but aggressive enough to entice.

He nibbles at your thigh, licking at some blood smeared there. Though he's told you he can get nutrients from blood, he's never tasted yours before. What a way to get the first taste, you think, as you watch him nuzzle into your thigh as his face travels ever nearer to where you most want him to touch. He doesn't keep you waiting long, tongue darting out to taste your nether lips agonizingly slow. The broad of his tongue licks stripes against your slit, tasting the blood there.

"You taste so fucking good," He growls, and when you look into his eyes they aren't clear blue anymore, but back to their cracked-glass state, golden and blue. He looks at you so intensely that you can't help but shiver under his attention, his tongue still teasing you but refraining from going where you need it to. You have no response for him other than to shift your hips, chasing his tongue, and whine low.

He knows your urgency, then, and rewards your patience by delving his tongue between your folds, licking you from hole to clit. You still as he laps at you there a few times, tasting your arousal and blood straight from the source. Fingers thread through pink hair as your hips buck against his mouth, driven wild with need at the obscene sounds of him licking you clean.

You're panting as his tongue swirls around your clit, gripping his hair tight as his growls rumble against your cunt. "A-akaza..." You moan his name, arching your back. He's relentless, lapping and sucking at your clit in equal measure. "Akaza." You repeat and he stops what he's doing, pulls away to look at you. He looks like himself now, blue markings and inhuman eyes, but there's blood smeared around his mouth and it shouldn't heighten your arousal but it does.

"What is it babygirl?" He asks and you curse yourself for opening you mouth, because now you have to articulate a thought. You're filled with need, body scorching with desire because of the state he's worked you into. You want to feel him more, harder. You want him to consume you, reduce you to a puddle of pleasure on the bed.

"Want you. Inside." You manage to express, causing him to grin at you in a way that tells you he won't give you what you want so easily. You pout at him, but he remains unmoved. You're anticipating your climax already - he always knows just where and how to touch you - but you don't want to be empty, clenching at nothing when it comes. You're at his mercy, and he knows it, hovering just shy of touching you with his lips.

"And waste this feast on my dick?" He says with amusement, and you know he won't give you what you want. You make a pitiful noise only to be met by his chuckle. "You'll have to do with my fingers." He tells you, and you feel a finger at your entrance. It slides in with no resistance causing you to let out a guttural moan. In an instant, his mouth is latching onto your clit again, a spark of pleasure coursing through your body.

You close your eyes to the sensation as he adds a second finger into the mix, causing you to suck in a harsh breath. The stretch of his fingers feels divine, his touch exploring your walls and hitting that spot inside you that makes you see stars behind your eyes. You can feel heat coiling tight in your gut, you're close to release and you both know it. Akaza picks up the pace, thrusting his fingers in and out of you with more force as he laves your clit in attention.

"C-close," You pant, opening your eyes to look at him between your thighs. His eyes are half-lidded, nose to your mound as he works to bring you closer to your climax. Just looking at him down there is enough to cause a jolt of pleasure to course through you. Your hands find his hair again and you tug there, keeping him in place as if he'd want to be anywhere else at the present moment.

"You gonna cum all over my face?" He asks huskily and the words shoot right through you. You mewl in response, raising your hips to meet his lips better. The pressure was mounting, and the way he was talking to you did nothing to relieve it. "Come on, then, pretty girl. Cum on my face." With that his tongue resumes its work on your clit, and sends you over the edge.

For an instant, all pains and aches fade to the sidelines in the face of blinding pleasure. You grind your pussy against his lips, chasing the feeling as you feel your orgasm squirt out of you and all over his face. For his part he seems delighted, lapping at your juices and blood. His tongue eased you back down from the heights you'd soared, your hips still jerking from sensitivity. You exhaled a breath you didn't even realize you'd been holding when he pulls away, your body still sensitive from the high of your orgasm.

He sucks blood and cum from his fingers, leaning down to kiss you on the thigh before working his way up your body to try and kiss your lips. "Bleh, not until you brush your teeth." You say, hands up to block him and prompting a laugh from him.

"It's your blood!" He protests, but you can tell it's just to be contrary.

"Yea, and I don't want it in my mouth." You say, stretching out, feeling boneless in the aftermath of his affection. You really needed a bath, to clean all the sweat, blood and cum off your body. You look to him and bat your lashes. "While you're in there run me a bath?" You ask sweetly.

He rolls his eyes but moves to get off the futon regardless. "Yea, yea. Spoiled brat." He mutters, but it's full of so much affection you can't even be angry at it. You mutter a thank you, stretching your arm over your eyes to rest until your bath is ready. You think you might make him carry you to it.

#akaza x reader #akaza x y/n #akaza x you #kny x reader #demon slayer x reader #akaza #fem!reader #cha writes a thing #oneshot #cw menstruation #c: kny #c: smut #c: au

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out-there-tmblr · 7 months

Text

I just read a modern AU fic labelled as wangxian and xiyao, except in the last quarter you get surprise murderer Meng Yao! It was not a good surprise.

I simply dont believe JGY would kill NMJ without his father's pressure and without feeling very personally threatened by NMJ.

It was one of those stories where the wangxian was so good but the take on JGY just leaves me wanting to remix it.

I can absolutely believe that JGY would fall for Xichen at first sight, even if Xichen was in a committed relationship. I can absolutely love the idea of JGY as a psychiatrist, someone clever and controlled and well-trained but also someone who is a little distrusted in social circles. I love the idea of NMJ haunting LXC, growing angrier and angrier at LXC cosying up to the man he blames for his death.

But personally I would have gone with JGY feeling morally responsible but not technically having killed him. Picture it -- JGY meeting LXC and falling hard, despite knowing he's involved with JGYs patient. JGY mentioning painkillers as a way to manage pain or listening to NMJ vent about his GP not listening to his pain needs and recommending MXY as a second opinion. JGY noticing signs of addiction and letting it slide -- JGY doubting his own instincts, wondering if his personal jealousy over LXC is colouring his view, convincing himself he should be impartial, he should believe NMJ when he says a bottle of pills were lost, when he claims a prescription was left behind when he went camping.

(JGY starting to deeply dislike NMJ, and not knowing how much of that is deserved and how much is because LXC could do so much better. JGY suspecting addiction and also trapped by patient confidentiality- he can't tell anyone without losing his license, and it's only getting worse.)

But there's a grain of truth to NMJ saying JGY told him how to find street drugs. JGY said it as an example of addiction, as a scare tactic of how NMJ will end up -- one of those junkies standing on Reynolds Rd, passed out under the bridge. It wasn't meant as an instruction.

And if I was rewriting it, I'd probably also have JGY as an untrained medium -- not naturally powerful, but strong enough that he can see NMJ. He can't hear him, but he can see NMJ yelling and screaming at him, he knows NMJ is furious at him. He knows the smart move is to leave LXC alone but instead he pastes on a smile and forces himself to ignore the ghost in the room. It's just a ghost. Ghosts fade away eventually.

He lies to LXC about it. Doesn't want to hurt him with the idea of his ex boyfriend angrily haunting him. Doesn't want LXC to ever think he has to choose between JGY and NMJ. (JGY would never ask LXC to choose between him and the love of his life; JGY knows he'd lose.) Deep down, JGY thinks he might deserve NMJs anger - he knows how unprofessional it was to reach out to a client's boyfriend. He pushed his way into LXCs life as a friend, as a source of support. He made himself useful and made sure he was always there, made sure no one else could take advantage of LXCs grief, could get their hooks into him while he was vulnerable. He made himself quietly indispensable, allowed LXC to rely on him instead of family support.

JGY knows a good person wouldn't have done that but he wanted LXC so badly. And he justifies it to himself that he would never hurt LXC and he isn't doing LXC any harm. He doesn't push for romance, he isn't demanding, and it's six months before LXC reaches for his hand during a sad moment in a movie. It's weeks after that when LXC kisses him, tender and uncertain. They take it slow and JGY never rushes LXC.

JGY cant hear NMJ so he thinks thats what NMJ is yelling about -- and he can't tell LXC without hurting him. He can't even suggest moving somewhere else because what if NMJ is haunting LXC, not the apartment? I'm sure JGY ends up doing some secretive googling or maybe getting help from an unreliable medium like Xue Yang, being told the best way to banish spectre from a house is blood magic. But he can't do that to LXCs home -- he knows how the Lans feel about blood magic, he knows LXC wouldn't want that, wouldn't forgive him if he tried it.

So when LWJ and WWX come sniffing around, when WWX can't help watching NMJs dramatics as they eat dinner, JGY panics. He tries to discredit WWX before he tells LXC, he skirts the line of violating professional ethics to relay the worst rumours he's heard about WWX. He tries to protect himself from being found out and in the process, hurts LXCs relationship with his beloved brother -- and proves to himself that he doesn't protect LXC, that he's clinging to someone he doesn't deserve.

And of course it would end with a confrontation. With LWJ and WWX telling the truth, with LXC feeling guilty that NMJ is suffering and betrayed that JGY lied to him. With JGY trying to justify himself, that he acted badly but he's been a good boyfriend to LXC, and WWX being all "Nice motive but still murder" and JGY being stunned by the accusation. Arguning that he didn't kill NMJ, he fell for his boyfriend and pursued him as soon as NMJ was dead. Why would JGY kill him when he kept refusing help for an addiction that would eventually kill him anyway?

Then I think there would be an attack from NMJ and LWJ would still probably offer himself to buy time for WWX but I think JGY would do something foolishly brave to protect LXC and WWX would save the day before anyone died.

And I think LXC would need some time alone to think things through, to come to terms with the idea of NMJ so twisted by anger, with the trauma of seeing someone he loves attack him (and hurt another person he loves), with the idea of a boyfriend who lied to him for a year but still risked his life to save LXC. I think he would be hurt and confused, but eventually he'd give JGY another chance. On the condition that JGY is honest from now on. No more lies, and in return, LXC will try to show JGY that he's not a consolation prize. LXC isn't with him because he was there, because he was convenient and had proved himself useful; that he loves JGY for his kindness and his consideration, for his patience and support, but what he needs now is JGYs trust. (And it would be uncomfortable but JGY would jump at the chance. Eventually, they'd move somewhere new and it would be happy endings all around.)

And the fact that I have definite opinions about how I would have written it shows that it was really well written in the first place. It just missed my preferred characterisation of my little meow meow.

#the untamed #xiyao

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ivyuns · 2 years

Text

bet on you - sunghoon

genre: angst | fluff

word count: 1.9k

warnings: plot does make sense (thumbs down), reader gets bullied, threats, mentions of self harm, your mom doesnt like sunghoon, falling off a tree, childhoon besties, blood work, bets, lmk if i missed anything

summary: sunghoon is the most popular guy at school and dates y/n as a bet. after y/n found out, she broke up w him and gets bullied. having enough, she ends the pain but brings sunghoon into pain now.

note: I WROTE THIS IN SCHOOL AND NOW SEEING IT IT LOOKS MESSY WUUWFHFFH also, a little spoiler on sunghoons part in fever? enjoy ~

masterlist

“y/n? would you go on a date with me?”

sunghoon poked you, after running across the school to find you. “huh?”

“are you serious?” you asked him. parts of you hoped this day would come, but the other part of you was unsure about this question. is he messing with you? does he even like you? shoot, you guys never talked until today.

“sunghoon, were not even close-” “nah ah ah” he pauses and sits next to the empty chair next to you. “dont you remember me from our childhood days?”

ah. so that’s where it began— your feelings for sunghoon.

your moms has been friends since the birth of you and sunghoon. sunghoon had been a year older than you and started growing up together. only until your mom had moved work across the city.

you and sunghoon were devastated, knowing it’ll be your last day with him, your lover.

the last day, you two spent the day at the treehouse in sunghoons backyard, spilling secrets to each other.

“hoon! did you hear what happened to ronnie! she—“ “yes y/n, i know. i’ve heard it from 10 different people.”

you frowned. the past days felt like sunghoon was ignoring you for no reason. “hoon, what’s wrong?” you scoot next to him, resulting him to move farther away from you, not noticing the trapdoor that was open, he fell through it.

reaching your hand to grab him saved him from falling to the hard ground, but the weight pulled you down which resulted you both falling.

crying and sobbing was heard in the backyard. the moms came out of the house to see their babies crying, thinking they had a fight and hurted each other.

“i hope to never see y/n with sunghoon ever again”

now your last year in high school came by quickly and saw him again. hoping that he wouldn’t remembered you, but things sometimes never gets planned right.

“y/n? kang y/n?”

you quickly shut your locker and walked away, hoping to get the hint. “aye y/n!” sunghoon jogged up to you and grabbed your shoulder. “hello.”

and ever since that day, you tried to ignore him. from day one of returning to school and the girls saw him with you, they threatened you to back away from him. and you respected their decision, kindly.

“y/n? hello? you okay?”

sunghoon waved his hands in front of you after staring off to space. “huh? oh, yeah i’m okay.”

“so? are we dating or not?”

“but hoon-“

oh how he tried to hide his smile after hearing his nickname from you. how badly he missed it.

“yes? okay, meet me at your favorite restaurant tonight at 6, dress pretty” sunghoon winked, leaving you alone with your decisions.

the day after the date, you two got to keep up with each other. sunghoon had always got to say ‘i love you’ and you felt bad for not returning it. of course, he understood why and said to take your time with saying love words. buy it still made you feel guilty.

so today is the day. the day where you return the feelings.

you quickly ran to the cafeteria where sunghoon would be at with his friends. smiling with a heart shaped box full of chocolate to give to him. you saw his table and hid behind a wall before surprising him.

“sunghoon? did you make her fall in love with you?” you heard jay speak. “i-i think, i don’t know. she hasn’t said i love you yet but i can see her feelings for me.” “then you know what time it is right?” sunghoon looked up and looked at his hyung. “but h-hyung! i don’t want to hurt her! she’s been through a lot and and-“

sunghoon stopped speaking as soon as he saw your crying figure behind his friend who sat in front of him. “y-y/n i-“ before the boy could continue his sentence, “let’s break up.” you said and threw the box and ran away to the restroom.

he got up but jay grabbed his wrist. “you don’t love her, right?” “fuck off, i cant hurt her again” sunghoon told him and yanked jay’s hands off, tears escaping his eyes.

the moment you entered the restroom, the door was locked and saw the bullies from earlier of the year. “fuck” you muttered. “oh hi y/n! happy to know you owned his heart and broke it? you cheated on him didnt you?” “w-what? why would i-“ she cuts you off by slamming you on a wall. “you guys know what to do.”

and that was the last thing you heard before you saw black.

sunghoon ran across the school to find you. tear streaks were now stained on his cheeks and was out of breath. y/n. y/n. was all he thought of.

asking every student to see if they ever seen you, the replies were either “who?” or “no i’ve haven’t.” stress started filling up sunghoon and eventually worry. you couldn’t have left campus. the gates are closed.

he’s on the brink of giving up until he saw ronnie and her friends. “i cant believe she would cheat on sunghoon.” is all he heard from her mouth. anger was shown.

“what the fuck did you say?” “oh sunghoon! i heard about y/n. i’m sorry that she cheated on you but you have me you kno-“ sunghoon grabbed her collar. “don’t you dare speak that way to y/n. now tell me what happened to her.”

sunghoon ran to the girls restroom and saw you in a stall wirh blood all over you. “god y/n. sweetie i’m so sorry.” he sobbed and picked you up, rushing you to the nurse.

the nurse treated your cuts and gave you treatment. the nurse told him that you’ll wake up soon. soon turned into a day, and eventually took you to the hospital.

sunghoon sat next to your bed and held your hand, begging you to wake up soon. it’s been 5 days and he was desperate for you to wake up. “y/n, please. i’m sorry.” sunghoon whispered and placed a kiss on your lips.

the door opened and revealed your mom. “sunghoon. what are you doing here?” she was surprised to see him. he seemed nervous to see your mom for the first time in a while. “i-i-“ “can you get out? please?” she told him, tears threatening to fall from her.

sunghoon nodded and slowly left the room. before he could close the door, he saw your mother wiping her tears away and muttering “im sorry”. he closed the door and sat next to your room, hoping youll just wake up soon.

the next days felt hell to him. at school, he kept getting threats. nobody knew what really happened and just made up rumors of how he bullied you until your last breathe and regretted it.

after school, he’ll come to the hospital with dirt on him, but he didn’t care. he needed to see if you were awake. your mom noticed him too. she saw how tired he was after school, how breatheless he was to run to you, how much he cared for you. the never ending tears she saw because she knew he loves and cares for you.

“sunghoon, let me talk to you.”

“you know, ever since she came to this school and she came back home, she would never do anything. she wouldn’t eat dinner with us. she would always stay in her room for what reason. she always came home in a bad mood and i’m not sure, but can you tell me? please?” your mother begged.

she wanted to help you in the best way as possible but she didn’t want things to get worse beteeen the two of you.

sunghoon was speechless. at school, he always saw you in your happiest. he didn’t know what made your mood turn into sour. his head started to hurt.

was it all the teasing he did to you? was it because of him?

“i i think it’s me, m/n. ever since i started talking to her, i’ve heard from other student that there were our classmates bothering her. because they saw i was talking to her and assumed she was flirting with me. please m/n, i never meant for this to happen. i’m so sorry” sunghoon got on his knees, begging for forgiveness.

the two were a sobbinh mess, your mom made sunghoon stand up and gave him a hug. “don’t worry honey. i can tell you care for her a lot. i know you never meant any of this. but let me tell you something.” she paused.

“she might not wake up.” sunghoon felt like the world just gave up on him. he didn’t want to exist anymore. he wanted to run away and hide.

“they said she lost so much blood. her blood seeped through the bandages so now she’s feeling really lightheaded in her sleep. the only thing we can hope for is someone who’s willing to give her blood from them with the same type.”

he felt dizzy. he felt like punching the wall. but then he remembered you two had the same blood type. he didn’t care. he was healthy and wanted to save you. “i’ll be her donor”

—

the blood work made sunghoon throw up. he hated to smell and look of blood and he just wanted it to hurry up.

the doctors told him that his blood would immediately get to you, and he hoped you’ll wake up this time for sure.

the next day, you opened your eyes with bright white lights and your mom beside you. you felt your body being tense and sore at the same time. you saw blood and other medical instructions around you. oh. you thought.

your mom turned around from the tv and saw your eyes open. “y/n? you’re awake! sunghoon! she’s awake!” you saw her get up and open the curtain to see him on another bed right next to yours. your mom left to go get the doctors and you stirred away from his figure and looked at the window beside you.

“y/n.”

he kept repeating your name until he saw down next to you. he saw the tears that kept falling and your lips red from holding in your sobs. “hoon” you whimpered.

before he could bring you into his arms, your mom came in with the doctor, so he just held your hand.

he checked in on you and told you updates on your body. and thanked sunghoon for helping you wake up. your mom saw your eyes widen and looked at the boy next to you. she smiled and left you two alone for a while to get food for the three of you.

“thank you hoon.”

he finally brought you in his embrace and gave you a peck on your head. “i love you” you blurted out. sunghoon pulled away, and big smile on his face. “you what?” he teased.

you scoffed and looked the other way. “heyyy im sorry okay? genuinely. for everything. i’m the reason why you’re here in the first place.” sunghoon apologized.

“was i really a bet?” you asked. he shook his head but mentally slapped himself. “at first yes, but! i realized i do love you days after. i do really like you y/n, and i do really want to date you. not as a bet this time.”

you saw how sincere he was. you saw the love he had for you. he knew he did really love you. and you loved him too.

end.

(2022) © dont repost or copy | @ivyuns

#enhypen sunghoon #enhypen #sunghoon #sunghoon angst #sunghoon fluff #sunghoon ff #enhypen angst #enhypen fluff #enhypen fanfiction #kpop #kpop angst #kpop fluff

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pespillo · 8 months

Text

a post/fic inspired by thundakuma on twt talking about Eda having really shitty exes and some of em trying to enter back into the picture, discussing King´s boundaries, Raine being protective of King, and a personal disturbing real experience i had as a child, hurt and comfort so dont worry at the end.

cw for inappropriate creepy behavior and mentions of implied attempts at child harm/abuse .

Its been at least a year after the events of WAD and everyone is still reconstructing the Isles to their best of their abilities, after a hard day´s work Raine tells Eda they can take King out for a walk so she can properly rest, Luz is dealing with school atm, and King is more than happy to just hang out with his new family member, Raine is attentive and fun to chill with and always gets him a snack even when Eda says no.

So King n Raine are at the park , they are sitting on a bench watching King climb around one tree , when King gets on top , suddenly in front of him a person does a loud noise , scaring him and making him fall off , unharmed but still spooked , alerting Raine

Raine at first thinks its another kid fooling around with King, but taking a good look they see a grown witch standing over where King fell and even reaching down to the kid with their hand , King does not hold the witch´s hand and gets up by himself, the person teasingly laughing. King takes some steps back away from the witch and Raine immediately sees the kid starting to freeze up and fur puffing up, usually King is very rambunctious and short tempered with people even strangers,but Raine notices how strange hes acting and they stand up and walks over there.

When the witch sees Raine approaching the stranger gives them a seemingly friendly smile, waving as in to dissipate the tension, King runs off to grab onto Raine´s legs and shield himself behind them, not saying a word, but the witch makes a statement about how grown up he seems. Raine is just like "excuse me but who are you?" and the witch responds like "oh im a old friend of Eda, the kid knows me, right , King?" and King only hums in response, Raine already has noted all the red flags in this person and in King´s behavior and they would gladly tell em off if it want that they are in a really public space full of other people out and about and dont wanna stress King out more that he is, so Raine tells the witch that they'll get going and to have a good day, holding King´s hand in a reassuring squeeze and taking him home.

On the walk to the Owl House, Raine tries to get King off his somber silence, asking if he really did know that witch, King affirms that yes, that was one of Eda´s old ex boyfriends, and that he, well he was always really weird, even by Boiling Isles standards of weird. King was still really young when those two dated and it wasnt for way too long and he, well , doesnt want to talk much about it now, he just never felt comfortable around him and Eda kicked him out "for a good reason" so it really freaked him out to be approached out of nowhere.

When they get home Raine lets King run off inside to his room, King thanking them for being there for him. Raine stays beside the door for a bit up until they can hear King´s room door shutting. Raine knows they shouldnt force anything out of King, but Hooty may know more- Hooty is just excited to talk about anything, but when Raine starts describing the witch to the house demon, Raine has to step back a bit at seeing Hooty growling and feathers puffing up in anger at the mention and description of the guy

Raine tries holding him back from shouting and trashing around ,

- "oooh that good for nothing- that man is FORBIDDEN around this house, if he thinks he can walk in and just-! im turning him into a pellet ! wait until i tell Eda about this!"

Raine tells em that it might not be the best idea for him to tell Eda and that theyll sort it out themself, reassuring everyone is safe and that no ex is coming around the house or King for the matter. Petting the house demon´s head to calm em down like one does a horse.

After a bit of time passes and the day ends without much stress, Raine musters up courage to talk to Eda as they are both settling down to sleep in the nest, gently inquiring , not for nosiness sake, but out of concern because something happened that day that worried Raine.

When Eda is informed of the situation, she puffs out a few cursed feathers and tries breathing in slowly,cursing under breath and shaking off her hand, Raine pulling her closer, reassuring that whatever happened in the past, they are not there to judge, just to help in the present.

Eda sighs tiredly, telling em that the guy was just one of her many bad choices and that she deeply regrets letting the guy in her house and that she would never have done so, much less considering how eager he was, and its why she preferred leaving him with Morton before Luz came around.

She says she found him very charming and affectionate at first, very touchy feely, did not mind a few feathers here and there, but it slowly turned into inappropriate clinginess and out of line comments even when King was right in front of them, at first she thought itll be ok if she just took him out the room more often, but then it turned into telling King jokes about things we were going to do , and she told him, - "the kid doesnt get it and also cut it out", but it seemed to just escalate.

The breaking point was when King told her that one time when he was alone in his room, this man sat down next to him and asked what he was playing with, King explained one of his demon king related plans, all seemed ok until he stretched out his arm pointing at something and the man grabbed his arm , squeezing it and holding his paw telling him "oh your fur is much softer than it looks!" and King tried laughing but nothing would came out, that he just felt really Bad and just tried slipping out the situation, when Eda was told this she had enough.

Eda can handle anyone coming onto her but its other thing to mess around with King when they think shes not watching,she remembers getting into a huge fight and threatening that if he tries getting in here again shes turning him into a frog and cooking him into her dinner. At the end of her tale Raine caresses Eda´s hand, with a hiss on their voice they tell Eda had they known abt this before they would have gladly turned him into a frog right then and there in front of everyone, Eda snorting and getting em to smile, but Raine means it.

Eda doesnt have to be alone dealing with everything anymore, so Raine promises to keep King safe as much as they wanna keep Luz and Eda and anyone else safe, next time they see that man, he´s dinner. And so the owlfam sleeps a bit less heavy that night.

#the owl house #toh fic #sort of #eda clawthorne #raine whispers #king clawthorne #n hooty is there thank u hooty

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yearningandpatheticaboutit · 2 years

Text

SPEAK FOR YOURSELF

CHAPTER 9: LOOK AT THIS PHOTOGRAPH

A/N: i made a moodboard for yaera and im really proud of it lmao

warnings: blood mention, drugs mention, suicide/self harm mention, gambling

wordcount: 8000 and some change

prev chapter

***

i remember climbing out my window that night. the moon was full, my stomach giddy thinking of seeing his pretty eyes. he said he wanted to meet me, i couldnt believe that what people said was true.

guys really were MEAN to the girls they liked.

being made fun of constantly? not my love language. never was. it reminded me too much of how my parents treated me, and i never found comfort in that at all.

my insecurities getting pointed out, getting mocked for the enjoyment of others. how could you like someone who did all those things to you?

i wondered that for a while. i was too hopeful, i guess.

that didnt stop me from doing my hair and finally making use of all the designer my mother brought home. i curled my fringe and the ends of my black hair, giving myself the look only a stupidly happy person could muster and snuck out of my house.

i didnt expect to see my twin sister doing the exact same thing.

our mouths collectively dropped open when we saw one another, completely baffled that neither of us had said anything. i wouldve told her where i was going, but she hadnt given me the time of day.

"i can explain," she nervously said, laughing. "okay nevermind, you first."

"no way!" i said, shaking my head. "you? sneaking out? fess up!"

yasmine was like the model twin to everyone. of course she wasnt perfect, she had flaws just like everyone else. she was a massive people pleaser, so i wondered just exactly who she was trying to impress with her new sneaky habits.

anyone that had my goodie two-shoes sister sneaking out of the house couldnt be good news, i thought. i was also impressed by how they managed to actually get her to go through with it.

"im just meeting...someone," she giggled dumbly. it was almost pitch black in our yard and yet i knew her cheeks were stained red.

"and you didnt tell me about him? who is it? someone from a rival school?"

my sister was dramatic enough to hide something like that. she had just broken up with her asshole boyfriend, collin, who no one liked, so i would have gladly encouraged this phase.

"its just someone. you dont know him."

i raised an eyebrow. "so when will i get to? whats his name?"

"im not saying anything, yae." she deadpanned.

"what?" i couldnt hide the disappointment from my voice. "but we tell each other everything."

she sighed. "relax, i will tell you just not right now. gosh quit being so codependent."

i frowned. "im not codependent i just care about your life. but whatever since you wanna be a massive bitch about it."

silence filled after a familiar insecurity rose to surface level. my sister knew how much i loved and needed her. she was my sister. some siblings were close, some werent. but my sister was my only friend. and all i really had. she knew that.

and sometimes she reminded me of how much i held her back.

she would sit with her massive friend group with attractive, sociable and fun people. she would always try to push me to talk to them or even make my own friends. i tried, i swear i did. it usually didnt go well. i never understood why.

maybe i was the problem. i could only really care about one person at a time. i didnt know what that was called. it took time for me to get close with people, the fear of being judged and abandoned an imminent one.

my brain always told me, my own sister would never abandon or judge me. we were blood. we were in this shit forever.

apparently i was the only one passionate about it.

"yae, cmon dont be like that," yasmine sighed. "i didnt mean that. i will tell you i promise."

i didnt answer her, only wiped the tears that gathered in my eyes for that moment. i crumbled up the letter he gave me as i rolled it into a fist in my pocket.

"its whatever, i guess ill see you in the morning," i muttered and started walking to the gate.

"wait!" she whisper-yelled. "where are you going?"

"ill tell you later. good luck with whoever youre meeting."

i called an uber to the address, trying to lighten up my mood on the way there. i put lipgloss on, trying to smile in my compact mirror. i wasnt really good with make up, but since i had a good feeling about this boy, i would need to start getting good.

this was the first time he'd invited me to his house. usually when yasmine went it wasnt a mutual invite. now i was going solo. he really changed his mind about me.

i kept impulsively eating mints, practicing my facial expressions and the uber driver probably thought i was crazy. when i got dropped infront of the wrought iron gates, he was standing there waiting for me.

in a white tshirt and grey sweatpants. he was so beautiful. he pulled his lips into that sly smirk i knew, as if he got everything he wanted. and being who he was, he did.

i mean, thats how i was here even though he bullied the fuck out of me whenever he could.

"hi," i said, giving a small wave. the wind blew my skirt a little, making me hold it down embarrassingly.

jongho continued giving me that satisfied smirk as he eyed me up and down. "you know its two am. i really didnt expect you to actually come."

i mean you asked me to. of course i would. im almost in love with you.

i shrugged like it was nothing. "you told me to come when i was comfortable. i thought this was appropriate."

"i see you dressed appropriately too. nice legs," he said, making my face heat up. "goddamn, model genes really runs in your family. well i dont wanna keep you in the cold. lets go inside."

he guided me into his home, his hand on my lower back. i swear i couldnt breathe. he never touched me like this infront of the others. infront of her.

his house was dark except for the light in the living room and up the staircase. the sound of my miu miu boots on the marble made me realize how empty everything sounded.

"are you alone at home?" i asked, kind of excited for the answer.

"yeah, my folks left for something in singapore. you know how it is," he casually said, showing me into a room. "make yourself comfy."

it was his room. i dont know what i imagined, but seeing it, it was so jongho.

trophies for singing competitions, soccer, and some even for academics lined the walls around his massive bed. he had a large mirror directly opposite his bed and a balcony that overlooked the infinity pool in his backyard. i strolled around in admiration, turning around when i heard two loud pats.

jongho sat on his bed and was gesturing for me to do the same. the led lights in his room were red and so dim, making him look far more hot than he already was.

i reluctantly planted myself next to him, my heart rate going higher than a kite. jongho licked his lips and took a heavy breath as he prepared to speak. god he was so attractive, i hated how much i liked him. i left my home at two am just because he asked. fuck.

"thanks for coming to talk," he muttered, his voice deeper and hitting the perfect spot in my ear drums. "i know it was kinda a lot to ask."

i rolled my hair behind my ear and shrugged. "its no big deal. what did you wanna talk about?"

jongho moved closer, now he was so close i could feel the radiation of his body heat. oh god.

"i know ive been hard on you for coming into our friend group and everything. im really sorry for all the mean things i said."

the apology struck me, hitting the thoughts from my brain. that wasnt what i expected.

"i called you clingy and made yasmine think you were a loser," jongho sighed, shaking his head. "she doesnt believe that of course, but im really sorry. i know i can be mean sometimes but its just how i give affection. youre cool with that, right?"

i nodded thoughtlessly. i was just happy to have him talk to me.

"yea, thats fine. i get it. im not that sensitive dont worry," i forced a smile, knowing his insults hurt more than anything. but at least he was sorry. right?

"cool, cool." he smiled down at me. "i hope we can be good friends then, yae. can you do me a favour then?"

"what kind of favour?"

my mind was running wild right then. all the insane teenage hormones were overflowing. the close proximity and how handsome he was, the fact that my short skirt had such easy access. choi jongho was a hard guy to resist. and i was failing.

i didnt hear his words, i was so focused on his lips and the cute mole in his neck, i acted without thinking.

i leaned forward and pressed my lips to his, softly grabbing the side of his face. i couldnt believe what i was doing. for a second his warm mouth welcomed mine, taking it in fully. then, i felt coldness on my lips as he pulled away.

"what are you doing?" he scoffed, his eyes narrowed spitefully. my stomach shrunk.

"uh–i–" i stammered, only to be cut off.

"are you fucking kidding me right now? are you deaf?" he raised his voice. "did you not just hear me ask is yasmine if interested in anyone? why the fuck would you kiss me."

"im sorry–i–" i couldnt believe what i just did. what was wrong with me. he wanted to know about yasmine. not me. what the fuck. this was so awkward.

wait. so i read everything...wrong?

"shit," he cursed under his breath. "this is bad."

"is that why you called me here?" i asked, fearing the answer. "to find out if yasmine is interested in anyone?"

"obviously. why else are you useful?" he meanly answered. i felt an embarrassed pang in my chest. "did you think i liked you?"

the mocking laugh that fell from his lips after made me flinch. because how stupid was i to think he actually saw me differently now.

to think that someone like him could actually like someone like me.

"youre so fucking naive, yaera," he kept driving the knife in, shaking his head with that taunting smile. "just cause you look like your sister doesnt mean you should have the same confidence. youre setting yourself up."

i remembered the first day i sat with yasmine's friend group, jongho pointed out that even though we were twins, i wasnt nearly as attractive as yasmine. i laughed it off awkwardly because i thought he was joking.

"you know desperation is unattractive as fuck, right? i cant believe you drove here at two in the morning because you thought i liked you."

i was shivering in my skin, trying not to completely burst into tears. my entire body was flushing hot with anger and spite, and the most embarrassing of all–heartbreak. because deep down i knew he would never get over my sister. it made me insane.

why did everyone fucking act like i wasnt worthy of being liked just like everyone else? but as soon as they saw the scars on my arms they wanted to tell me the same bullshit.

youre loved, yaera.

stop hurting yourself, yaera.

stop using this for attention, yaera.

i couldnt bear to stay a second longer. i wiped the wetness of my cheeks and got up from the bed, immediately going to leave. jongho got up and tugged at my wrist, pulling me back to him.

"you havent told me about your sister yet," jongho said, making my rage spike. because who the fuck did he think he was. "cmon, dont cry because of silly shit like that. its water under the bridge."

"i hate you," i seethed through my tears. "i dont know why yasmine is friends with someone like you in the first place."

"because shes like me," jongho taunted. "and thats what you refuse to see. you dont realize how much of a burden you are to her. you dont realize the only reason she hasnt ditched you yet is because youre related to her."

okay, so he was continuing then?

"you always act like youre so perfect," i spat. "you talk about how much of a burden i am? imagine how much of a burden you are to yasmine because you keep trying to date her. shes never gonna like you. you're just another guy friend in her collection, cunt."

i ripped my arm from his grip and stormed out of his room. he followed me till i reached the bottom of the staircase, where he just watched me spitefully from the railing. now he was angry? of course. pieces of shit like jongho were great at dishing it out and not taking it back.

i felt so petty. he could have rejected me normally but he thought he could say whatever he wanted to me. tearing the little self esteem i had down was fun for him.

i turned around and smiled. "you really wanna know what yasmine thinks of you? she doesnt. in fact, she snuck out of the house to meet someone. shes probably getting fucked as we speak. enjoy that mental image, fucker."

"get the fuck out of my house!"

***

YAERA

an hour has passed since san left me in his apartment. im worried and have a weird feeling in my stomach just imagining what he's doing right now.

despite the anger i feel toward him, i hope he's safe. that's all I hope for. he's hurt badly, looking more damaged than when he fought the last time. he definetely has open wounds. so i look around for any first aid. he's gonna need it for when he comes back.

i rummage through his cabinets. there's so much empty spaces but its filled with random stuff. this guy needs to go shopping. he has so much expired medicine. i find a thin roll of bandages and plasters in the very back of a cupboard but when i take them out, something falls on the ground.

its a folded up piece of paper. when i pick it up, i realize its actually a crumbled up picture. a picture of a family.

my stomach immediately sinks.

a young asian lady and her husband are holding their toddler son. it looks like theyre at a carnival. everyone is smiling, except for the kid. hes pouting.

he was so cute as a baby.

a weird feeling of melancholy hits me hard realizing the people in this picture are no longer around.

san lives alone. apparently hes been alone for a long time. i can tell by the way he operates. hes selfish, not even in a bad way. i get why he caters for himself and tries to keep away from others.

im not even angry anymore. it just makes me sad.

i put the picture back where i found it and go sit by the bed. san doesnt have any alcohol in his house, so i end up having to look up the nearest pharmacy.

i make a quick run for it, deciding to buy him some more medicine and fill up my asthma pump while im at it. i dont know why im doing this when he probably hates me. i guess im always gonna be a sucker for the men i like.

when i get back, his door is unlocked. i panic, but then i find him and his friend eyeing me like they want to kill me.

"where were you?!" san asks me, raising his voice. "dont walk around here. you know this isnt the suburbs."

i lift the pharmacy bag. "i was just getting you medicine. i threw out your expired packs. which were all of them, by the way."

he has a lost look on his face. i turn to his "cousin" and hold my hand out. "the name's yaera marino, san's fake girlfriend. good to officially meet you."

"im wooyoung. san's fake cousin," he says, taking my hand with reluctance.

"are you sleeping here tonight?" i ask him.

"yes he is," san answers. "we're sharing a mattress. you can still sleep on my bed."

i feel a pang of jealously. goddamn it that should be me.

i nod to san. "go take a shower. im gonna give you first aid."

san is confused, looking at me like he doesnt understand english. "you know how to do first aid?"

"i learned it when i was still doing karate. go shower." i chase him away with my hand.

san awkwardly goes off, leaving me alone with wooyoung. i quietly take in the boy, who now that i can see clearly, is obviously younger than san. i cant believe hes in the gang too.

"what took you so long?" i ask him, frowning. "i was worried."

"we had to get rid of the license plate," wooyoung answers, his tone curt and cold. "and you were worried? dont make me laugh."

his words are sharp and sound spiteful. im guessing he knows how san and i began this partnership. i hold my tongue and let him snap.

"you dont care about san. youre using him," he says, but still quiet enough so that san doesnt overhear. "i just want you to know, i can make you disappear at any time i want. all i need is the greenlight from san and you'll be scattered across a lake."

"you think that will protect him?" i ask with a wry smile. wooyoung's fist clenches on the side of him, his knuckles bloody and bruised.

"what makes you think i dont have a million copies of that video? that i dont have a plan in case one of you hurt me? im not some dumb bitch."

wooyoung shakes his head and laughs scornfully. what did he expect me to say? shiver me timbers? i literally know he shot someone tonight.

"and here san thinks you wouldnt hurt him. i dont care what kind of plan you have. if you hurt san, i'll fucking kill you myself," he threatens.

i wouldnt ever hurt him. not even in my dreams. unless he hurts me first, then fuck him.

"trust me, i wont be an issue," i say nonchalantly, sitting on the bed. i lean back and feel a pain in the spot where san kicked me. right above my boobs.

"i just need enough money by the end of the school year. then i'll go back to my country and disappear from your lives forever."

"do you know how much of a risk this is? what san is letting you do?" wooyoung scoffs. "thats if you even make it to the end of the year. if anyone finds out about this, youre both fucked."

"no ones gonna find out unless you tell them," i eye him sharply. i dont trust this guy but apparently san does, enough to tell him about our parternship.

"san has a hard life already. you should just get out of his life," wooyoung snaps. "if you knew why he was in the gang, you'd never ask him to do what youre doing now."

his words somehow make me feel guilty. but why? why should i feel guilty when san doesnt even tell me whats going on.

"woo."

wooyoung's demeanor changes when he hears san's voice. he immediately stiffens and acts completely clueless.

my breath gets stuck in my throat. san is standing there in nothing but a white tank top and a striped red pyjamma pants. his muscles and skinny waist are on perfect display. my mouth suddenly goes dry.

no. fuck. yaera, focus.

"what are you doing?" san asks like hes talking to a kid. i find it highly amusing but keep my face blank.

"i was just defending you," wooyoung says with a scowl.

"im not in any danger. like i told you."

"yeah but–"

"jung wooyoung."

wooyoung groans at san's warning and shoots me a hard glare telling me this conversation isnt close to over. he storms into san's extra room and shuts the door, probably thinking the worst of the situation.

i cant lie, despite his intimidating and handsome appearance, i cant take him seriously at all. i find it endearing that he cares so much about san that he even threatened me. so san isnt alone after all.

he looks at me and sighs, his face adorably awkward. the black strands of his hair are wavy against his forehead, making him look so soft despite the bruises and cuts on his face.

its embarrassing how quickly i forgot how badly i wanted to hurt him today.

"sorry about wooyoung," he says and comes to sits down on the bed. "hes just...possessive."

"you mean protective," i correct him and smile. "its good that you have someone looking out for you. you need it."

san goes quiet but is looking at me like he has a lot on his mind. right, he had to get someone killed tonight. how could i forget.

i take out the first aid materials and scoot closer to him. the warmth of his body is already wafting towards me, the scent of the soap so potent on his skin. its an intoxicating smell.

"can i see where you got hurt?" my voice is so hesitant it doesnt even sound like me.

san is slow with lifting his top. i refrain from visibly gulping at the sight of his beautiful lower body, my mouth going dry when i notice the large gashes against his ribs. they cut him with a knife.

"why would you put on a white shirt to bed?" i ask him with a scowl.

"the bleeding stopped in the shower," san shrugs embarrassedly. "plus this was all i could find."

i inspect the wound and it looks like he cleaned a whole lot of it in the shower. "it looks like i just have to put ointment on and wrap you. you need to go to the doctor if it gets infected, you know that right?"

"i dont think that will be necessary. ive never needed to before," san says coolly.

i cant believe hes just brushing this off. "how often do you get injured like this?" i ask him as i dip a finger into the antibiotic cream. i gently run it over his gashes and he winces. .

"now and then," he forces out, as if trying to hide that it hurts. "it wouldnt really matter the extent. i'd still have to go to school."

i roll my eyes. of course. the perfect student.

i rub in the ointment and it feels like my cheeks are on fire. ive never been this close to anyone. ive never done this for anyone. my hands are shaking as i reach for the sterile bandage.

"are we ever going to talk about what happened tonight?" i ask quietly. "because i dont want us to forget."

san is staring through my soul with his intimidating, and pretty brown eyes. i can see him withdrawing. hes already far away.

"i know i was reckless and im sorry. but please dont lie to me, san. i really fucking hate not knowing whats going on. i know you were probably trying to protect me, but you could have been honest."

i expect him to say sorry too. but only silence is returned.

"i wont lie to you again. ive seen the effects it has," he mutters.

"i dont want our partnership to be us just lying to and antagonizing each other. i know you dont trust me. but we're gonna have to trust each other for this shit to work."

"i do trust you," san says after a few moments pass. he tightens as i roll the bandage around his torso. "i just dont trust myself. and everyone else."

i stay quiet hoping for him to elaborate. i feel it coming. the hope is bubbling in my chest.

"i watched yunho die," his voice is flat, as if drained from emotion. "he got stabbed right infront of wooyoung and i. we should be used to it, we've seen tons of people come and go in the last four years."

i finish bandaging him and lower his shirt reluctantly. san watches my every move, and im surprised he lets me.

"im sorry you had to go through that so young," i tell him, genuinely. the look on his face is so distant that it feels like hes given up a long time ago.

"is this is how its gonna be? forever?" i ask. "is there any way out of this for you?"

i remember san implying that he wasnt doing this out of his freewill. which means his boss must have a lot of leverage over him.

"i dont know. im still trying to figure that out."

"what do they have on you?"

san chuckles darkly, his soft laugh full of scorn and hopelessness. "well, they know where i live, for starters. they know where i go to school. they know everything about me."

and his parents? where the fuck are your parents san?

he can see the question in my eyes. his smile is filled with gloom. "you can thank my dad for that. hes the reason all of this started. the reason ive been in this servitude for most of my childhood."

i frown. "servitude?"

"my dad...he was a shit guy," san sighs. "he was an alcoholic gangster with gambling tendencies. he made a bet with the 105ths he couldnt repay. so he took off. and when they couldnt make him pay it off, they took me instead."

"im paying off hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt, thanks to my shit father. and i dont have any money so i had to give all i could so they dont kill me. myself."

i cant believe it. san is basically in a slave contract. and theres nothing he can do about it. my chest feels tight.

"what about your mom?" i ask softly.

san shrugs and lays down on the bed, looking straight at the ceiling as he crosses his arms behind his head.

"shes gone. she left when the gang stuff got too complicated. they sent a warning to our apartment telling my dad to pay his debt, in the form of a petrol bomb. it scared the shit out of her, so she took off."

"without you!?" i ask incredulously.

"while i was at school. i just got used to it. coming home to nothing."

what kind of parents...fuck. i cant even say anything. im just fucking sad. i feel a hundred times worse about blackmailing him now.

"the 105ths said they would let me go if i paid off everything. theyre still letting me go to school as long as i dont neglect the gang."

"what if you ran away?" i ask curiously. san stares at me blankly.

"they would find me and do to me what they did to yunho. or even worse. its not worth it really. im just hoping it ends soon. then ill disappear. for good."

and now im dampening his plans by making him share his money with me. god i hate myself.

"how much do you owe?"

"i dont know. i just know the deal ends when miss A calls it off. she deems how much is enough."

i scowl. "what? and what if it never gets called off? what if they trap you here?"

"im hoping it wont come to that. ive been loyal for a long time."

that doesnt mean shit when people only love using you. but i dont say that. it already means so much that san decided to say something. to be honest. i cant lie and act like im okay after hearing the truth. but i wont pity him. san deserves better than that.

"ill help you," i look down at him fiercely. "ill help you cancel out your dads debt."

san looks at me deeply. "thats not necessary."

i hold out a hand. "dont even say it. get a fixed amount from your boss and ill help you get it."

"why would you do that?"

my stomach turns at the question. i dont even know. i cant say its because of the mild lady boner i have for him. its more than that. choi san deserves more than what happened to him.

"its only fair, isnt it?" i say with a small smile. "i get to go back home and you get to go to...where was it? nottingham?"

he wants to study pharmacy. i wonder if he meant that.

sans cheeks are red. is he...blushing?

"why do you remember that?" he asks with a soft groan.

i chuckle to myself. "cause its weird as fuck. england? what the hell do you wanna do in england? seriously if you want to go to europe there are so many better places. why nottingham?"

san shrugs embarrassedly. "i like football."

"you? like football?" i scoff. "that's the reason you wanna live in england?"

"why do you sound so shocked? can't i like football?" he asks defensively.

"you don't even look like you've watched soccer a day in your life. i'd never guess that you'd like an english team."

san snorts and laughs to himself a little. my legs go jelly a little. i keep underestimating how adorable he can be.

"my mother is a huge soccer fan," he admits fondly. my smile is quick to fall away. "once we went to watch her favourite team play in nottingham. she was so excited about it, she got me interested in it."

i feel myself soften. "so you want to go for your mother? is she going to move with you?"

"no," he sighs. i must be shit at connecting the dots because i still dont get it.

"she's in Korea. i can't go back there. i had to give up my Korean citizenship this year because I'm not enlisting."

"so you'll never see her again?"

my question hangs in the air. san doesnt answer it, because even he doesnt know. he still has hope. i can tell. he just doesnt know if its still worth holding onto.

everything has gotten deep so fast.

"maybe we should go to bed. we still have school tomorrow," i say and lie down next to him. theres a small gap between us that i know neither of us will close. but it feels good to hope.

san tries to get up but groans as he holds his injured side. i push him down gently by the shoulder, his eyes slightly widening.

"youre too tired to get up anyway," i say softly. "just stay here. i promise i wont bite."

unless you want me to.

san looks at me awkwardly and nods, lying back down on his back. his eyes are aimed at the ceiling and i pull my knees inward as i lay on my side looking at him.

everything about him is so...i dont even have the words to explain it. i just have a feeling that everything will work out for us exactly the way we want it to.

"thank you," i say. san slowly turns his head and raises his eyebrows at me in confusion.

"for being honest. i know you didnt wanna mention all that. but thanks."

san doesnt say anything more. theres a ghost of a smile on his face, but its enough for me to hold onto. choi san, maybe youre not actually that much of an asshole.

"goodnight, yaera."

***

san

i thought i imagined it. having her curled up in my arms. i felt it that night, her warm skin against mine and her soft breaths and hair on my chest. i told myself i was imagining it. because the morning after, she was gone.

yaera vanished like thin air. i feel embarrassed for everything that came out of my mouth last night. i cant believe i actually told her what happened to my family.

are you that desperate for friends? i ask the loser in the mirror as i get ready for school. the bruises in my face are so bad it looks like im going to have to wear a mask all day.

wooyoung comes out of the spare room as im almost finished with breakfast. he doesnt greet me with a good morning, instead he looks around expectantly.

"wheres the blackmailer?" he asks sarcastically. "is she also a magician?"

"her parents drop her at school so she left," i answer dryly. "morning to you too, asshole."

wooyoung gives me a bland stare. "you didnt come to bed last night."

"sorry? are we married?"

"what the fuck are you doing san?" wooyoung shouts at me. oh god are we really doing this at six in the morning. "do you actually like this chick or what?"

"where did you get that idea?" i ask him calmly, knowing it will rile him up even more.

"maybe the fact that you slept in the same bed. youre letting her blackmail you for fucks sake–"

"wooyoung, we both passed out. with clothes on. and didnt i ask you to fucking trust me?" i glare at him. because why is he acting like my wife.

"i dont like this one bit." he shakes his head like a disapproving parent.

"you dont have to like it. all you have to do is let me do the work."

i feel my phone buzz in my pockets. i open it and see a missed call from yeosang. ugh this loser.

i open a message from him and its a birthday invitation. oh shit i almost forgot.

"woo, wanna come with me to a party?" i ask him. maybe he'll be less annoying if he can get the attention of some private school girl too.

"is it gonna be one of those fancy private school prick parties?" woo scowls, then smiles. "free food. im in."

"not to mention you could probably sell some stuff from there."

woo suddenly gets a burst if excitement. "that reminds me, i stole from that black dragon dickhead. we still have to split up the cash."

now that hes reminded me, i move to punch woo in the arm. "owwww!" he yells and shoves me. "what the fuck!"

"youre worried about me getting blackmailed when you possibly started a gang war," i snap at him. "when are you gonna tell miss A?"

"i dont plan to," woo says confidently. my face pales. no way.

"are you serious?" i ask worriedly. woo nods confidently. too confident who saw one of our own get mutilated last night.

"since im keeping your secret, you better keep mine."

thats entirely different, i want to say. i wanna argue with woo but the annoyingly playful nature on his face tells me hes not going to take me seriously at all.

"you know what they say," woo says with a grin. "out of sight, out of mind."

***

yaera

"youre in a good mood," my father notes as we get in the car that morning. and hes right. i cant take the smile off my face because i woke up on choi san's chest.

"i have a good feeling about this week," i say. my mom snorts, her eyes glued to her phone.

"and what brought on this feeling?"

its weird that my father is asking, because he genuinely never seems interested in anything i do. but since we're on the topic...

"miss evans got me a tutor. i invited him to come over after school today, is that okay?" i ask them. my mother immediately turns around with the signature sneer on her face.

"and who is miss evans to assign you a tutor? does she plan to pay for this?" she asks.

"uh? my AP bio teacher? you met her the beginning of the year?" i remind her. "and no, im paying out of my own pocket."

"good," she dryly says. "in that case its fine. the maids will all be home. as long as hes gone by dinner."

i quietly fistbump myself in the backseat, my stomach filled with butterflies. san, in my room, teaching me stuff i dont care about at all. what a dream come true.

best part is? he wont have to meet this family at all.

im skipping out of the car by the time they drop me off at school. i light up a cigarette as i stroll through the parking lot, feeling like a girl from some book who just landed a date with her crush. maybe life is worth living.

"marino!" a voice calls me. i pause in my tracks as i blow out my steam, turning around slowly to see...

...ah fuck.

"hey marino!" kang yeosang calls me with his signature douchebag smirk as he walks up to me. "long time no see."

i take an extra long drag from my cig because god it is needed for any conversation with yeosang.

"what do you want?" i ask him. he acts surprised and offended.

"wow, is that how you greet an old friend?" he shakes his head with a sigh. "kinda mean you know?"

i roll my eyes. "get to what it is you want, you know you and i have never been friends."

yeonsang clicks his tongue, his half smile not even shrunken by an inch. "always the pleasantries with you, marino. i just wanted to know if youve seen lazarus. since i hear you two come as a package nowadays. congrats by the way. you two totally look good together."

"lazarus?" i repeat dumbly. "who the fuck is that?"

"choi san," yeosang giggles like its the funniest thing ever.

"why do you call him lazarus?"

yeosang tilts his head at me like its obvious. "cause hes a scholarship student? hello?"

this fucking asshole. i toss my cigarette at him and he dodges fast enough to my dismay.

"dont call him that," i hiss. "plus why do you want to see him?"

"thats between us men, sweetheart," he says as a matter of fact. "just let him know when you see him, to give me a call. he doesnt answer my messages."

"maybe you should take the hint then."

yeosang looks at me with strange fascination, as if hes high in this very moment. its like he finds me amusing, hes just always giving me that stupid lopsided smile.

"i wonder how it happened, the two of you," he says with a glint of mischief. as if he cant wait to say something offensive. "its just funny how your type went from jongho...to him."

heat hits my face in embarassment. "jongho isnt the only guy ive had a crush on you know, you can stop bringing him up for every fucking thing. we never even dated," i say defensively.

this is why i hate talking to anyone my sister was friends with. all they could talk about was the past. not to mention most of the people she liked were fucking horrible.

"you never dated, but you were in love with him," yeosang childishly points out. "and even if he wont admit it, he probably felt something for you too."

i scoff. no he didnt. choi jongho doesnt love anyone but himself. id learnt that too late.

"i dont care," i grit out. "why are you even bringing this up?"

"yas would have wanted you to be with jongho. especially because he couldnt have her," yeosang just keeps boiling my blood. i cant believe this. i cant believe he just said that.

"i dunno how she would feel seeing you with...lazarus."

"shut the fuck up," i snap.

yeosang lifts his hands in defense. "im just saying because i care, yae. you cant just date someone you dont know. choi san might not be the sweet guy you think he is."

what is he even playing at? does he think san will sell him drugs if he goes around badmouthing him?

"and youre sweet?" i scoff. "you and jongho and whoever else was in that fucked up group? you think you can talk because you knew my sister? dont act like you ever cared about me."

"god youre so sensitive," yeosang laughs meanly. "i was just playing with you. and you wonder why you never got invited to our parties. youre just the strawman of fun arent you?"

"that doesnt make any fucking sense," i snap at him. "i can never get back the time i wasted having this conversation. mind your business and leave me alone, yeah, stronzo? and dont mention san to me ever again."

"dont forget to let him know i was looking for him!" yeosang calls after me as i storm off. i dont even need to turn around to know hes smiling, completely full of himself.

***

i only see san when lunch rolls around. all our common classes are later in the day and ive been obsessively waiting to see him all day. ive got a busy day ahead, my mind set on a very specific target.

i find him by the abandoned stairwell, and its like hes been waiting for me.

he shakes his head at me as i come, i narrow my eyes in confusion.

"am i missing something?" i ask him. "whats with the face?"

"why dont you check your phone?" san grumbles at me. his eyes trail behind me, where i turn to see jongho descending the stairs.

hes smiling like a prick. oh god. two assholes in one day.

"i guess the two of you dont learn," he says tauntingly. "this isnt a place for your dates."

"we havent done anything wrong," san says annoyedly. im glad he finds jongho as annoying as i do.

"maybe not you. but her," jongho turns to me with a smile. "i see your hair still isnt dyed back. you were given two warnings. one more and its suspension. i dont think your failing grades can afford two weeks out."

looking at him now, i dont know what i ever saw in him. im so embarrassed to say ive been rejected by this asshole like a hundred times.

i cant risk detention today. it would spoil mine and san's plans and would just be boring as hell. i guess im going to have to cave.

jongho smirks dreadfully. "why you so quiet, yae? didnt i tell you'd get you back?"

"look, im sorry okay," i say against my will. "i didnt mean to punch you. and ill have my hair dyed by tomorrow. good enough for you?"

san looks between us in confusion. i hope he doesnt ask any questions. if he thinks im crazy now he shouldnt ever hear of jongho-obsessed yaera.

"not good enough, sorry," jongho starts writing on that stupid peach notepad and i sigh. this time he only writes my name. meaning ill have detention without san. miss morri will love this.

"maybe next time you'll watch your mouth," jongho smiles at us before strollling away like the arrogant pig he is. i sigh heavily as san turns to me with narrowed eyes.

"why does he hate you so much?" san asks me annoyedly. "he just came here asking specifically. what did you do?"

"why are you assuming i did something?" i scowl. san gives me an obvious look.

"why else would he hate you that much?"

"because hes an asshole," i scoff. "i might be one too, but im nothing like him. my sister never reciprocated his love and he made it everyone elses problem. he also told me i should have died instead of her."

"what the fuck. he needs help."

"most people at this school do," i sigh. "speaking of help, i need yours."

san gives me his suspicious, pretty eyes. i smile excitedly. "im letting you into my side hustle. you remember how i told you i got my savings?"

"you said you stole most of it..."

"bingo."

san groans. "i hope you dont expect me to help you steal a car or something."

i roll my eyes. he must think im an adrenaline junkie or something. "dont be ridiculous. all i need is a look out before school ends. you think you can do that?"

san sighs hopelessly, surrendering. "what do you need?"

"get me into the boys lockeroom."

"...what are you doing there?"

"if i tell you it wont be special, would it?" i say and he scowls.

"dont do anything stupid. what about detention? are you going?"

i smirk. "obviously not. you still owe me a tutoring session."

san nods in a way that tells me he definetely forgot. how shameless.

"luckily for you, my parents allowed you to come over. and they wont be home till night and i'll make sure youre out of sight before then."

san nods. "just tell me what to bring."

the day goes by quickly until the last period finally rolls around. its geography, and as much as i love this subject, i end up skipping. san is having english and i couldnt convince him to skip, so i wait for him after school near the sportsfield.

the school soccer team are practicing, meaning all the lockerooms are unoccupied. its perfect.

i didnt usually target them, but the plan felt brilliant when i thought of it. usually i went for the girls, they were easy. expensive phone cases, airpods, clothes, and luxury perfume. all things that sold so easily online. people would do anything for a bargain.

can you imagine how much soccer gear would sell? i know damn well not every one of those players were using ALL of their gear.

plus, i need to get back at that asshole jongho. i didnt know his number so i'd just have to look around and guess whose locker smells the most potent and obnoxious.

san comes jogging around the bend, looking so prim and proper in his school blazer. i smirk in greeting. "you ready for some fun?" i ask him.

"i hope this doesnt take long, you know we have to catch the bus if we're going to your house," he reminds me.

i managed to convince my parents i was taking the bus with him home so they didnt have to pick us up. they called the school and made sure san wasnt a trouble maker and questioned his records. you know, a completely normal response.

"dont worry. i'll be in and out, lets go."

i take san's arm and we sneak into the separate building reserved for the boys lockerrooms. of course it smells like stale air, cologne and dampness.

i walk past the lockers and gaze at the numbers and locks. i check my watch. practice ends at 4:30 pm. its currently 4:00.

i nod to san and gesture with my eyes to the door. "guard while i get busy." i take various pins out of my pocket, having brought them specifically for this purpose.

"how are you gonna get those lockers open?" san asks me. i bend down infront of the first locker and start fiddling with my pins.

"lock-picking," i answer distractedly.

"you know how to pick locks?" san says in disbelief.

"you dont?"

"no. im not a weirdo."

"youre such a lousy gangster. arent you supposed to be street smart?"

"im not a gangster," san corrects me with an eye roll. hes feeling sassy today. "im a part time employee."

i cant take him seriously and end up chuckling. the locker clicks open and i find only a folded uniform on the inside. i rummage through the pockets and find a wallet. i open it and theres no cash, only cards. useless because as soon as its found to be missing they'll all be blocked.

i sigh and check deeper. i find a silver watch. its an omega brand. jackpot.

i slip it into my pocket and fold the uniform back. they should really secure these lockers better.

"are you getting somewhere?" san asks as he nervously looks out the door.

"of course," i say with ease and move onto the next locker. its slightly harder to open. i remember a specific scenario like this coming up in the youtube tutorial i watched. all i have to do is whatever that guy did.

it takes longer than i thought. when it pops open i can see san's distressed eyes glaring at me to hurry up.

and thats when i see it. the treasure guaranteed to win us a mini lottery.

"holy shit, look at this baby," i gasp and take out the camera, showing it to san.

"who leaves a camera in their gym locker?" san scowls. "that person deserves to get robbed."

"its expensive too!" i giggle in excitement. "its a Lumix GH5! you know the price of this? we're gonna be fucking rich!"

"who does it belong to?"

i shrug and look back inside the locker. there isnt much except the camera and a few pairs of gym socks and knee pads. "i guess we'll figure it out when we look at it."

i slam the locker shut and we're about to leave when san suddenly shoves me back. i stare at him in confusion as he runs out and i hear voices on the outside.

"what are you doing here?" someone asks him suspiciously. oh god. i recognize that voice. jongho.

"i...was looking for you," san says, and i can tell hes fighting for his life thinking of a good lie. "are there still spots left on the team?"

jongho scoffs. "youre kidding, right?"

theres an awkward silence. oh fuck i need to save him from himself.

"stick to the books, choi san. at least you dont embarrass yourself there."

"no im serious...i wanna join your team. is there anywhere to sign up?"

jongho groans. "im team captain, you have to go with me to the coach for this."

"lets go now then."

"i need to get something from my locker."

"uh...im in a hurry. can we just go now? i cant miss my bus home."

hes trying to get jongho away so i can sneak out. theyre right at the door. ive never held my breath so long.

"ugh! fine! couldnt you have asked earlier?" jongho snaps. "im guessing you need soccer for a sports scholarship too, huh? you wont get into any schools if you suck ass by the way."

i can just picture san's clenched jaw as he holds himself together around jongho. i hear their voices fade and steps grow further away. i stuff the camera and watch into my bag and sprint out and make my way around the school buildings. now i can jump the fence on the other side of the field.

i call san instantly when im alone, looking around for any security. he picks up on the first ring. "hey, im at the fence we jumped after detention. the bus stop is somewhere nearby here."

"okay okay mom, I'll be home right now," san says into the phone and im guessing hes making an excuse to get away from jongho now.

its funny how everything plays out. san gets to me within a few minutes and his face is red with stress. i hold my laugh in.

"next time YOU be the lookout," he says with a scowl and it makes me burst out into laughter.

"i thought you could lie better than that!" i nearly double over from chuckles. "you shouldve heard yourself. seriously youre a criminal and thats how you lie?"

"oh shut it. he wouldve seen you!"

san's angry face is really so adorable. he expects me to take him seriously like this?

"you should have hit him over the head instead," i sigh. "we couldve made him believe everything was a dream."

we jump the fence and end up catching the bus somewhere near my neighbourhood. the entire bus is empty, and san is on the verge of falling asleep, leaning his head against the window. im severely bored and decide to take the camera out to inspect the specs.

its such a good camera. i dont know a lot about cameras but i know by the brand its quality. i wonder which soccer guy has this hobby. maybe he wants to be a professional photographer.

i open the existing pictures and find random pictures of cars, birds, sunsets, and aesthetic places around the school. theres a folder named "her", so i click on it hoping to see something different.

...pictures of me.

thousands of them.

i feel my face pale, which is wrong on so many levels because im brown as fuck. the first few pictures are of me with a cigarette, smoking on and off campus. theyre from a year ago based on my hair colour. the other pictures are dated from two years ago and theyre filled with me in my school uniform.

the point of view is the part that leaves me cold in my bones. from above, places that cant easily be spotted. random corners capturing me sitting on my phone, bending over...looking around...

thats until i realize the lavender scrunchie in my hair. and the lack of bangs.

these arent just pictures of me. in fact, most of them are my sister.

next chapter

#ateez angst #ateez imagines #choi san angst #ateez fanfic #ateez fic #ateez scenarios #choi san #choi san fluff #san angst #gang au #ateez gang au #ateez mystery

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