#i dont think this friendship is serving either of us anymore | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

shushthisaintmytumbla · 6 months

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Leaving This As A Reminder (11/7/23)

Hi Case. Been another few months since we've chatted and wow does my last post make me sad and shocked at how much can change in 5 months.

Lets quickly recap a friend update which is the shore unveiled some really disgusting truths about some of my friendships in this city. My "perfect" friend group i found was far from it and i dont even need to go into detail bc we are ok and we are healing.

I gravitated back to this channel because tomorrow i am about to reenter a healing phase and going to work on ending a relationship with D for the very forseeable future. While these past 10 or 11 months have brought us back together closer than ever, sometimes love doesn't conquer all. You two have tried your best (at least you have) to make something work, but in the end we've reached the last page of our story. He's not only become one of your closest ties in nyc, but he's taught you how to love, even when someone doesn't deserve it.

Over the past 10/11 months you went from convincing yourself that one meet up at a bar won't bother you and let him back in.. you just wanted to hear him out and get an ego boost that he still wanted you. You'd tell yourself its fine, I don't even like him anymore its just a hook up... but days and weeks and months went by and you fell right back into the trap, yet this time you had hope. Hope that there was a future, hope that maybe things this time were different. Hope that you finally cracked his code and could win the ultimate prize - being a girlfriend. But the second you hear that word leave his lips it felt...uncomfortable.

Maybe being in a relationship wasn't what you were searching for with him either - could it be that you finally just wanted him to want you? Because after months of actually experiencing the highs of being together (going to dinners, being invited to events, going out with his friends) you finally got a peek into a life together - but was it everything you wanted and more? Not really. There were still those anixous days of "is he going to text me today?", "why did he invite her to this event over me?", "why does he never ask me about myself", etc. etc. etc. There were also those tough conversations that led you to realize - Can this even go where I want it to go? D and you have very different ideas of where you are in 10 years. You want a family, you want to live near your family (CA), you love being adventurous and going outside and appreciating the little things. Of course im not saying he cant but he also prioritizes drinking, partying, staying out till 4am and in bed all day the next.. cmon case that isnt you.

While I can name many reasons why it wont work logistically I also want to remind you of how he treated you the past 3 years. He does the same thing OVER and OVER again. He leaves you uncomfortable for 24 hours and you have such crippling anxiety that it's all you can think about, you didn't eat for a day, you couldn't even focus on yourself/work. You can't even be honest with your parents because you think they'd think your a fool for being back together with this person who was only brought to their attention because of how much he hurt you that you were so depressed you had to just be honest.

If there is one thing I ask you to promise me is that please Casey you deserve so much more and there is someone out there who can give you so much more. D's patterns are never going to change - at least not for you. Because you are not meant to end up together. He served a beautiful story in your life that came with love, hurt, happiness, anxiety, and every emotion under the sun but it is time to pick yourself. I know the comfort he has provided you makes you feel so safe in a world where you don't always feel that way. But I am not only asking but begging you to choose yourself and walk away forever. There is the possibility that he comes back in 2 months time, but you need to not respond. PLEASE CASEY. I know one silly hi doesn't seem like that big of a deal, but it's exactly what got us back to here. I know you love/loved him, but its time to give that love you can give to someone who gives you 10x more back.

I know losing people is so hard for you, but losing yourself is worse and that is what is going to happen if you return to this. Your friends have begged you to walk away and i know its easy to say "you don't know him" or "you dont get it" but thats exactly why im writing this today. I do get it. I lived it. and I know I need to walk away and close this chapter of my life. I'll always hold a place for D in my heart and I do think he is my first love, but its time to find a forever love (especially in yourself first).

I am sorry if this came across harsh, but I love you. I am so proud of you. You are ressilient and have dealt with much more challenging things in this life and im sure another great challenge is just around the corner, but i'll just leave you with this...

If it doesn't challenge you it won't change you.

xx.

Casey

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manicpussydreamboi · 3 years

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aswellingstorm · 3 years

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taylor swift x catradora playlist

in honor of evermore dropping tonight (midnight, EST) i humbly present the following by album break down of songs that miss swift wrote solely for catradora

taylor swift (2006)

tied together with a smile--the struggle adora faces being the hero/put on a pedestal from her horde days to becoming she ra

invisible--catra facing jealousy over adora’s new friendships

i’m only me when i’m with you--young catradora/growing up in the horde

fearless (2008)

forever & always-- broken promise. need i say more

white horse-- catra’s resentment for adora’s hero complex

breathe-- mutual catra & adora--struggling to cope with the other choosing the opposing side

you’re not sorry--adora coming to terms w post s3 catra & having to accept her former best friend has gone too far this time

change-- post s1 victory for adora

speak now (2010)

the story of us--princess prom catradora vibes

mean--unfortunately.........could see the best friend squad singing this therapeutically & adora thinking of catra

better than revenge-- ‘stealing other peoples toys on the playground won’t make you many friends//i’m just another thing for you to roll your eyes at honey’....jealous catra really comes thru here

innocent-- feel like this could be applied to adora but more specifically catra losing herself and her innocence in this war/getting caught in the cycle of abuse shadow weaver set her in at a young age

if this were a movie-- adora’s naïve hope that catra might make the right choice one day

haunted-- ‘all this time you and i have walked a fragile line, never thought i’d live to see it break’, easily fits into adora leaving the horde, but def has the angsty vibes for ‘save the cat’

back to december--regret. longing. wishing u could take something back but knowing you really cant

enchanted--ok hear me out. not necessarily a ‘meet cute’ for them, but could def see this song playing at a princess prom post s5 and being a cute look for them over all.

red (2012)

treacherous--post ‘save the cat’, catra learning redemption is....something she Wants

the last time--post-portal. def reminds me of the scene where catra saves glimmer and apologizes to adora

sad beautiful tragic-- break up sadness

the lucky one--more adora becoming she ra/learning the truth of mara

i almost do--catra & adora missing each other on opposite sides of the war

come back...be here--^^

state of grace--end of/post s5

1989 (2014)

out of the woods--i mean..........those ladies entered the whispering woods in s1 on a stolen skiff and did not leave until the end of the series

all you had to do was stay-- aside from the title... “let me remind you this was what you wanted // you ended it// you were all I wanted //but not like this”. def catra yearning

i wish you would--all of the lyrics. all of them

bad blood--warrants no explanation

this love-- “when you’re young, you just run// but you always come back to what you need”......................the defense rests

clean--s4 adora accepting and coming to terms w catra’s decision

wonderland-- really captures the betrayal/hurt of s1 catradora

you are in love-- adora POV// subtle moments leading up to realizing she loves catra

new romantics--”we need love, but all we want is danger//we team up then switch sides like a record changer”

catra’s personal memoir reputation (2017)

i did something bad--a title that could (unfortunately for everyone else) summarize a large majority of catra’s decisions. the song is very justified/righteous anger/revenge. basically a ‘fuck you, i know i’m bad’ & embracing that. reminds me of her kicking sw & hordaks ass (the rebellion could never) and her just...war criming it up in the crimson waste

Look What You Made Me Do-- void!catra void!catra void!catra void!catra void!catra void!catra--

getaway car--could see this from adora’s perspective to catra solely for the whole leaving/betrayal bit. but might be more fighting for double trouble & catra’s relationship

dancing with our hands tied-- i mean...lyrically. everything. but esp ‘I'd kiss you as the lights went out//swaying as the room burned down//I'd hold you as the water rushes in//If I could dance with you again”

dress-- “i dont want you like a best friend”. period. end of sentence.

this is why we can’t have nice things--s1 promise feels. the lack of forgiveness, the shade. u know.

lover (2019)

cruel summer-- “i scream for whatever it’s worth, i love you--ain’t that the worst thing you ever heard?” the heart. the longing. the ‘i dont want to keep secrets just to keep you’

the archer-- ‘who could ever leave me, but who could stay?’ + the rest of the song is v fitting for both catra/adora

afterglow--making up, admitting wrongs--catra perspective

miss americana & the heartbreak prince--idk just the narrative of the song reminds me of them

it’s nice to have a friend--whooooh boy this post is not about glimbow but this song works equally as well for them

daylight--enjoy the healing

lover--enjoy the healing pt 2

death by a thousand cuts-- warrants 0 explanation

folklore (2020)

finally

the 1-- definitley adora POV, reminiscing on maybe what they could have been. maybe in a world where catra never redeemed herself or they never reunited and adora watched her friends pair up/get married/build lives w each other, she might realize there is a whole in her heart. a part that’s missing and cant be explained, but she feels it every time she looks at glimmer&bow.

cardigan-- feels like catra writing a letter to adora. reflecting on the feelings of hurt and betrayal after time has passed and the anger fades

exile -- lowkey the premise of my fic but. ‘i’m not your problem anymore/ you were my crown/ now i’m in exile seeing you out’ catra was raised to feel like she was adora’s problem to fix. she feels cast aside by her for a majority of the series etc

my tears ricochet-- “i didn't have it in myself to go with grace//and you're the hero flying around saving face//and if I'm dead to you why are you at the wake?//cursing my name, wishing I stayed//look at how my tears ricochet” tswift explained this in the doc about how no one can hurt you like your best friend turned enemy. so i think in that sense this song works from adora’s perspective--but there’s so much bitterness and anger that i feel like it fits more from catra’s POV

seven-- “love you to the moon and to saturn//passed down like folksongs//the love lasts so long” i feel like this is so young/child adora and her feelings of protectiveness over catra. their bond through trauma and abuse

august--lmaoooooo i know. ok i KNOW what the deal is. i KNOW that cardigan, august and betty are a narrative story and really there are 3 POVs--james, betty & august. but i will do with that what i please. i just see catra’s pov from this song just as much as i see it for cardigan. her losing adora/feeling like adora doesn’t want her back or will choose other ppl over her.

this is me trying--can fit adora’s need to be everything for everyone/fear of failure--leading to burn out. also works for what i assume how catra’s redemption arc continued post s5. progress isn’t linear and this can show both of them struggling to recover from abuse

invisible string--if u strip out the imagery of taylor and her mans then sure

mad woman--i MEAN...is this not catra’s villain origin story? so often she was just poked/kicked/provoked into continuing down the dark path. not always by adora but regardless.

epiphany-- ‘with you i serve, with you i fall down’ reminding me of them both fighting/practicing/training together pre-s1 as well as them finally teaming up

betty--betty betty betty. the worst thing these two have ever done is what they did to each other. i see it more catra to adora, but it can go either way. gotta admire catra’s range for fitting into the role of betty, august + james... who else is doing it quite like her?

peace-- adora to catra. she can never not be she ra. is that enough for catra?

hoax--def more of a catra POV

evermore (2020?)

tbd......

#not me including almost the entire folklore album on here.........not my explanation solely devolving into brain rot......................#catradora #catra #adora #spop #tswift #long ass post my b

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smoliboops · 5 years

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so i woke up this morning (so apologies if i sound a bit off or groggy in this haha) but i awoke to a lot of posts discussing about “drama” and speciffically first saw @turquoisemagpie ‘s geniuinely curious post about the community’s status.

i’ll start off by saying 1) im also genuinely curious about all this. i care about this community and ive been in the tumblr one specifically for 4 years now, and this seems to be the first anomaly ive seen in my time here that hasn’t been one off but “underlying”.

2) im human, lol. i’ll be honest, ive never gotten involved with stuff like this (the only one i think would barely count was when the community was debating over anti’s portrayal back in december 2017). this is just what i think in as objective and analytical of a way i can place it, and it’s not wrong nor right. just my own thoughts. (also note, i have two exams tomorrow, so i probs wont be on here afterwards anyway cos i need to study else i die lol, but i just wanted to chime in like anyone else would)

ok first point- the drama is not shallow enough to solely revolved around the intro outro changing.

it is not the issue itself; rather it is the situation, or window that is giving us a bigger picture in the new, wierd mood that the community has been in for a while.

im human, but personally, in the large amount of time ive spent everyday scrolling thru the tag i have not legitamentely seen a post saying “oh i dont like that jack isnt doing the intro anymore im unsubscribing.” it doesnt seem logical to me that someone who dedicates themselves enough to the channel that they are a active member of the tumbtlr community, to throw all that away just for an intro.

what i have seen instead are 2 things:

1) usually when i scroll thru the tag and see a current hot topic, i try to scroll back up til i find the post that probably originally started it all. this, along with the first type ive seen in the tag, are people saying that “some people are unsubscribing cos of outro...how can they do that..they have to understand change is normal...people act like children sometimes...i cant believe it those people are not part of the community they should just leave...etc

2)the people i have seen saying “ah man i miss the intro and outro....i miss them it feels a little weird without them...i hope they dont go away forever i’d miss it”..etc

number 2 does not match with the people number 1 are talking about. unless i am wrong (i am human so if you have actually seen this on tumblr send me a link to the person’s blog or post) the people missing the outros have never said they would leave the community. Simply expressing a sentiment for something that has always been the norm that is now changing, that’s all it is for most people.

BUT, the misunderstanding/missalignment i see between 1 and 2, is that people in 2 is either being generalized/misslabeled/or lumped by others as the “leaving the community” group. and this can even apply to number 1, where some who genuine simplly want to say “the outro might be gone, but it’s ok to change” are grouped into the others saying “leave the community you kids dont belong here” and this is the window into the main problem i think in the community.

jack is changing. this is the happiest ive seen him be in 4 years and you have no idea how happy i am for him that he is choosing to take care of himself more and finding/discovering what he truly wants for himself, his style of commentary, the channel, and the community.

No one wants to get in the way of that. not 1, not 2, no one here wants to legit do that because we all so so deeply care about him. he brought us so much happiness, friendships, friggin several couples proposed in front of him over the years cause he indirectly helped them find love. we care about jack so much, that as a community we’re trying our best to give him the best atmosphere to change. but it’s a big community, so of course people have different ways of doing so.

we love him fiercely, so we either protect fiercely or we speak up fiercely. and then the whole tag is on fire. you’re on fire. you try pouring comforting pics on it oh no that was gasoline help-

people want to help jack and the channel/community through feedback; if something is felt to be wrong by a person, they’d want to let the captain know that something’s amiss and how/why it is and if they can fix it.

people want to help jack and the channel/community by protecting/managing it; if we dont want to sink the ship, we have to keep up and remember the duties as a member what we should be doing so that if we see a hurricane coming, we can deal with it the best without getting the ship damaged.

both are good, you can’t have one without the other. without proper management the ship will sink, but if there’s a solution outside of protocol it should be considered. if the new idea/solution/feedback is faulty enough that it would put us at even greater peril, the rules serve as a guide of judgement in doing what’s best for the ship.

no one side is right on its own. if there’s no way of feedback or communication to the captain, or anarchy is assumed among the members and the captain is overthrown, the ship will sink.

cooperation is key. nothing is black and white, its gray and our relationship with jack is a conversation.

agree or disagree, we need to not dismiss one in favor of ourself, we need to listen, be open, and use other’s ideas (whether good or bad, evil or rightous, selfish or selfless, or just plain neutral) in forming our own and vice versa, creating a cycle of healthy conversation rather than attacking or defending blindly.

and as well, the captain has had years of hard work, dedication, knowledge, and experience to get to his position. and ultimately it is Jack who is the one to decide how to run this ship. there can be members whose feedback is unjustified, or even hate-filled. there can be members who feel a one particular way is the right one over all else . but Jack is the one who chooses what to take into himself and the channel. does he think this feedback is valid? he’s open to taking it into consideration. does he disagree with it? that’s ok too, he still decides what he’ll take from it, good or bad, and move on.

experiencing things, toxic or healthy, we as individuals have the power to choose what to take in, not take in, and how we proceed with the information we take in. the actions of others have no rule over you, you rule over yourself. you choose what to take in and how. if we restrain ourselves/others, or protect ourselves/others, from this, then that right to choose is taken away before we even get a chance to choose. we just become isolated and very very, very alone.

tl;dr: TALK, FOR THE LOVE OF ANALOGIES AND GOD AND EVERYONE, JUST TALK CIVILLY AND NORMALLY WITH EACH OTHER. WE’RE ADULTS. JACK IS AN ADULT. CONVERSATE. NO ONE IS PROBLEMATIC AND NO ONE IS UNPROBLEMATIC. WE’RE ALL HUMAN, WE’RE ALL GRAY. WE ALL LOVE JACK WE ALL LOVE THIS COMMUNITY AND WE’RE ALL SO VERY GRAY AND SO SO SO COMPLEX AND HUMAN. SO PLEASE, P L E A S E

why dont you just talk to each other....

#jacksepticeye

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aleinnilatibae · 5 years

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You’ve heard of Ace SportaRobbie, now get ready for...Aro Glannithro

(This is gonna be a long post because I found this rambly headcanon in my drafts)

Aro ithro who doesn’t really experience romantic attraction but he still feels a very fatherly connection to all of the kids he has befriended as he goes from town to town and checks up on them all, never forgetting a name.

Glanni is also aro as fuck, doesn’t really like kids at all, but he has learned to tolerate them from all the time he spent in the fuckin lazytown jail.

In fact, Latibær starts to use him as a punishment like....Halla you shot the mayor in the ass with your slingshot again, you have to go stand guard for Glanni tonight.

it gets to the point where going to hang out with Glanni is basically like being grounded, and the kids start talking to him, and he tells them the WILDEST stories because he’s done some shit and also can’t help but show off a little while he has a captive audience.

And then, under Ithro’s supervision because the rest of the adults are WAY too goddamn gullible, he does community service around the town with the kids as well. Helping Jives in the garden, helping move large objects, literally helping Ziggy reach shit on the high shelves, hes absolutely miserable the entire time and moans about it always but it beats being inside that tiny jail cell.

So eventually, they say he’s “served his sentence” and let him go, where he fucking BOLTS from latibær, never looking back.

Weird thing is, the kids kind of miss him?? He was annoying and complained a lot but still…its Glanni, and they dont have a Glanni anymore

Problem, though, is that because of the presidential car business, everybody in the entire country knows Glanni, knows what he did, knows his face and all his disguises now. So he tries to use his criminal connections to escape the country.

ANOTHER problem is, because of everyone he has pissed off, there is also a pretty good bounty on Glanni’s head now. Latibær either doesn’t know or doesn’t care about the bounty, because that’s just how they ARE, they just put him in their jail bc it was the right thing to do. When Glanni escapes, he find himself betrayed by all his criminal friends and all of his crooked policeman friends and theyre tryin to turn him the hell in so they can get some cash. So Glanni goes on the Run for a while, finding shelter where he can.

By this time, Ithros crystal…is telling him to go after Glanni, that hes in a lot of trouble. So he saves Glanni from a particularly rough spot, and does what frankly is best and brings him back to latibaer…where its approaching Christmastime.

mind you, Glanni is not a saint. He doesn’t exactly fit right in, he tries to steal all their fucking presents on christmas for god’s sake. But when Glanni is found inside the Mayor’s house with Santa Claus on Christmas morning, the kids are REALLY excited to see him and include him in their christmas singalong party, and Glanni is finally starting to learn how to be in society as a regular person.

He and ithro have an…arrangement, as well. Since ithro saved his life, he stops antagonizing him, and sometimes they even look out for each other. As they get to know each other outside of their apparently opposing career choices, and become friends even, people do talk and speculate about the nature of their relationship, but...Glanni and Ithro don’t seem like the type to care what anybody else thinks.

However, their shared love of pranks is one of the foundations of their friendship, and they purposefully do things to mess with the rumor mill, like buy a house together or be each other’s date to town events and other shit like that and they both LIVE for the confused whispering that they cause

#lazytown #idk what this turned into tbh #long post

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trustmeyoudontknowmeok · 2 years

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I need to move on from it. Its totally the norm for her to ghost me for some days but idk why i cant move on from it? There's so many awful things happening to me at once and the last thing i needed was this. To shut down my chance to connect, to reject my invitation at bonding is hurtful, to then go further and ignore me makes me feel like poop. I know its not me, im sure she's busy. But it always happens. We both give so much of our time to each other, then they get drained and i have to also pull back, i have too much free time im guessing. My life has been perfectly set up for socializing and i can! I see my friends regularly, meet new people and build relationships but the last part has been so hard to do! No one wants real connection anymore. Or has the capacity to connect with others in a decent fashion. I somehow always pick these people. Its going to fizzle!

But i say all that to say i need to sit my ass in the damn house! I need to stop going out anyway, stop spending all my money, stop. Making. Plans! Gotta sit inside and watch tv with my cat, cook at home.

But i also want make plans with her. Theres a fee i cant forget, boarding at the park, buzzmill food trucks and sushi! Then that's it, only reach out to see if she's busy, no more going to her house. I need to change it up for February so i stop getting ghosted and getting my feelings hurt and being a lonely simp! No more cuddling, no more hooking up for a while and no more account checking! I deleted Twitter. Never used it anyway, just on there for unhealthy reasons, same with tik tok, and soon i feel ill delete insta, i dont enjoy them, never even look at them. It allows people to be passively involved in my life and i hate that. If i disappear how many of those people would care or even have access to me to ask about me. How long before some of them notice and wonder about me? That's my point, social media has made everyone careless about who they interact with and Im tired of it so for now ill have snap and just text people, ill try to get back into reading and painting, being with myself and my cat. Whew! Its hard!! For sure!! But i know i can do it! More focus on work, on me, on AWS, on hobbies! On saving! On moving! I need to focus, i let myself get carried away and for what.

My car broke down and my friends still want to see me ❤️ my true peeps, not to hate on her but its just a reminder to not enable self serving people. What did she want from me? Sex? Fake friendship? We got the pills to try together now will that ever happen? How do I even bring it up, that would be awkward. But its okay. This week has made me realize i gotta calm it down, the universe has spoken loud and clear! I don't feel im being dramatic. I'll keep it simple from now on. I was catching the simp smh, not gonna lie. On my days off i have free time! But now ill chill. Focus back on myself and treat her like a new person. Be minimally interested and not hang out until my car is fixed and i have some money under control. I don't think she is unfriending me lol, i don't feel there has been any shift on her end. Just poor relationship boundaries in general. That's okay! Needing a break is fine, but i grow tired of it, you cant disappear for days at a time and say it was an accident lmao like im a whole person that you were talking to! Is it mental illness? Lmao im really in shock, so yea. I need a breaaaak cause ill turn mean and that isn't good or healthy for either of us.

Talking this out has made me feel better! Like, a lot. Now i need to sleep for kick boxing tomorrow haha

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lizuouou · 3 years

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1:17am

jan/18/21

NewYork NY

Today was interesting. I caught myself off guard by realizing how easily a person can get influenced by another. My cousin and I have been discussing family a lot and it feels guilty because there’s so many mistakes, mess and drama. I feel like I definitely over spilled the beans. I need to learn how to stay civil like this is not the best, I know this because it didn’t feel the best but also that my mom sent me a long paragraph explaining how I need to be mature enough to see a world through my win lens and not always be influenced by others, even if they have more votes, my opinion should be entitled to myself and not bias. Bias is a bitch.

I read about Poland springs and how the water they promise us from the springs of Maine doesn’t even have “a drop of fresh water” and Nestle got a lawsuit worth $5millll like bro serves you right we out here drinking tap water lmaooo are we kidding ourselves? Is it really false advertising? Because the last I remember ain’t nobody getting an entire carton of water for like $4? And the plastic, manufacturing, transport, and resources used to get the water itself probably costs so much more. And we’re being promised fresh water from the springs. But why would they give out fresh water from the springs? Who even are we kidding. Isnt water supposed to be worth much more? I thought there’s a war that’s going to happen on water. Shit’s precious!!!

Either ways, I was so bored that right after I actually opened Omegle. No not for any perverted business but because I just wanted to talk to someone. Anyways I came across an 8 year old who told me her boyfriend probably cheated on her and when I asked what? She said yeah haven’t spoken to him in 2 years. I had to control my laughter so hard and I just said “well if you haven’t talked to him in 2 years chances are he probably talked to someone else.” And now as I write this I realized damn, I just gave a little girl advice way too much for her maybe. She dipped faster than a wizard, b knows Whatsup, confrontational issues and shihhh. Then I came across this 19 year old girl from West Virginia who told me her parents left her with her grandmother along with her two younger siblings. They’re drug addicts. I felt kind of really bad because when I confessed I’m glad I saw her face and not a 40y/o’s dick she laughed and said “I just wanted to talk” and I felt that. We both reached out for our puff bars and simultaneously took turns to spill. She told me her dad doesn’t give a shit. We were so chill, no omg I’m sorry to hear that shit. Because let’s be real, you don’t need to be sorry. This is my life, if anything I just want God to feel sorry. Sorry as in, I’m sorry you is sad :( here are your dreams and goals in your hands ta-da. I wish. I felt bad for the girl, the internet kept twitching so I just closed the tab. An 8 y/o and a 18 y/o girl I’ll never speak to again. She told me so much about herself but we never told each other our names. Just our pain? Her boyfriend was a scum bag. Ex boyfriend. Well, I kept silent because I felt like she was being really open. I will never talk to her again. Feels so weird?

That is our generations summary of emotional connection. Short. Like all the fkn boys in my school in FPS like fam just grow up literally lmao jk. Am I? Nah. Anyways I also ditched a friend so brutally I feel bad. They booked an air bnb in front of Central Park and got food and zaza and everything but I chose to meet my best friend his mom and sister, he knew I’m no way interested in him at all. He’s actually always been this genuine. Man’s took the biggest L for us. While Yaldram, rhyme and i walked to his place, he took out a joint and lit it up. Mind it, ain’t legal. A cop literally took a u turn and Yaldram passed it to him cause he was shutting his pants and this dude said yeah give it to me nothings going to happen. BUT SOMETHING HAPPENED.

the cop showed up and asked if that’s weed and rhyme said yes. Holy shit at this point he stretched his arm out and asked for it again and he said no it’s just weed bro, then he reached out called 4 other cop cars by pressing a button (for backup) and I finally said “just listen to him man”. It was embarrassing, people walking past kept looking. Anyways he took all the blame, honestly I just took one puff and was not onboard with the idea to begin with, not even 3 minutes ago I was reminding them how that’s illegal.

He got a ticket, and then I met Yaldram’s mom for the first time and I think I made it so weird because of all what had just happened, was so anxious but whatever. Met his sister and will meet her again tomorrow even though he won’t be there. That makes me happy. I’m welcomed.

However, it was 11:35 pm and I really had to leave cause metro closes at 12am and I realized now it’s too late to go to the air bnb. I didn’t go for two reasons. 1) it’s an airbnb with one guy and stoned? Yeah kinda not the best situation to put myself in. 2) 1

But I felt really bad, this guy rhyme said nothing. He went full MIA for more than a year and doesn’t speak to anyone and didn’t even get back on social media but reached out to me and met me and actually did all this and at the end said bro it’s no worries I’ll drop you, paid for my metro djdnt even let me Venmo (or give me his # or Venmo) only contacts on insta. I didn’t tell anyone I met him because I have to respect his privacy. I apologized a few hours ago because lastnight I said sorry and just that sorry about the food. Because he ordered food there already. But in the morning he told me that I’m a gem of a person and don’t realize that. Like why are you being so nice to me? I can suspect he has a soft spot for me and I have made boundaries and this friendship completely platonic the moment it happened. And he then told me remember the first time we met? ( I didn’t )

It was 2 years ago at a party where I was crying talking to my ex after 2 years of the break up. And this guy randomly walks upto me asks me if I’m okay and gives me water. Mind you no one in a party gives a fuck. Especially that party. And especially my tears against his. It was politically warm? I don’t even know. So that guy who saw me then, came to surprise me on my 21st birthday from NY with the goodies (so illegal) and then ended up meeting my other ex and Yaldram him and I roamed around Boston. It was fun because of my friends. And I was fkn stoned. But yeah and then he looked at me yesterday at the metro and laughed saying “you’ve grown beautifully” I get ceeped out super fast but with this dude I dont. Everhone (including me) thought he’s bi or gay because every time there’s a good looking man he’d say “wow he’s beautiful” but he’s straight he said and also I realized maybe he just speaks his mind. He asked me of the rumors I heard and I told him it was 1) stealing 2) gay and he was like who tf said I’m gay bro, and then he said the guy in front was cute, and then he said “that’s so gay” and laughed. So see? This is a very unusual man. But I had to be home regardless because a) arham b) 12:35am was a perfect time to be home. I don’t like staying out too late anymore? It feels weird. Unsafe perhaps.

However I apologized properly finally. Explaining myself. Saying that I get defensive when I’m high and that the metro closes at 12am but even though the original plan was Yaldram him and I meeting at the place he booked but Yaldram couldn’t show up so I made us go to him instead and we used the time up in getting him his first ticket and in letting me meet my friend before he goes.

I will never forget this man, he told me two of his best friends died that’s why he’d never want his friends to be in any type of trouble. And you know what’s weird about it all? He literally took all the blame in a heart beat with a calm smiley face and I know he’s the one who’s the real gem because not once did he complain or remove that smile off of his face. There was also supposed to be a surprise there but I won’t know anymore. I didn’t ask either.

Writing this made me realize, I want to live harder. I want to be a gem ( no tickets ) but I want to be a gem in my own eye where I can adore myself and allow others to too, and adore them back. Oh and there was also a drunk girl after the whole popo incident who was so sus she acted drunk and said I look like Ariana grande “petit, long hair, big eyes, trust me girl you’re good” and in my head I thought yikes these are the beauty standards in her head which are normalized and thst made me realize oh no she thinks she isn’t good enough does she? Well I hope she does. But also she was sus just weird, walked with us for so long then disappeared then 14 minutes later found myself again running into her at a grocery store by his house?? And she acted as if she never saw me before so I was like oh...

Anyways it’s 1:54 am and I’m glad I wrote today. I’m glad for today, today I was a little less sadder. Particularly because I complained less, tomorrow I’ll try harder.

The end

1:55am

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sapphicscholar · 6 years

Note

your fics are helping me get through the shittiest breakup right now, so thank you. I know you probably have a million prompts but would you be interested in writing a story where maggie is having a really dark day and feeling really depressed/worthless within herself (either because of internalised homophobia, past trauma etc) and alex takes care of her? maybe even some soft tearful smut later?

Hey, I hope you’re doing alright! I’m sorry it’s taken me a little while to get to this prompt (I didn’t want to do a shitty job when my focus was so divided with work and applications). Sending all the best thoughts your way! It’s now posted to AO3.

Author notes:

CW on homophobia, abusive families, anxiety/depression, etc.

A/N: Now that we’re in the thick of the holiday season, I’ve gotten a few asks for chosen family and hurt/comfort. I know it can be really hard dealing with family (or making the perfectly legitimate choice not to but seeing posts on social media that make it seem like everyone else has a loving, supportive biological family). No matter what choice you make (and I know sometimes there really isn’t a choice, depending on the situation), I’m sending you all the best thoughts. I hope you’re able to make time for yourself, even if it just means finding a quiet room to be alone for a little bit, maybe some wifi to catch up on gay af fanfic or cute puppy gifs, which I’ll try to post in spades over the break when I have time to be on my phone or computer. There are links to resources here as well.

A/N 2: Regarding a few lines in this fic: Obviously not all religion is inherently homophobic, nor do I think anyone smart and scientific (e.g. Alex) must necessarily be an atheist. But I think for so many of us who were raised Catholic (fun foreshadowing here for the nerd notes at the end today), religion was something that shaped our upbringing in an often profound way and was then thrown back in our faces when we came out. Are there Catholics who don’t follow the Church on its teachings about LGBTQ issues? Of course. But, for instance, the fact that my family happened to be supportive of LGBTQ rights in a general way didn’t mean that I wasn’t terrified of coming out to them; it didn’t exempt me from years of internalized shame after hearing priests and religion teachers teaching that homosexuality was an intrinsic disorder of the soul; and it certainly didn’t save me from the humiliation of having to write that gay sexuality was a sin on a test to get an A, of knowing that I put the jobs of my family members who worked for the Church at risk just by being out, of being forced back into the closet to serve as a teacher at a Catholic high school. And even with all of that, I had it easy (and I certainly had it much easier than my fiancée), which I say not to guilt anyone who is still religious, but to explain the perspective from which I’m writing in advance.

Resources:National Domestic Abuse Hotline (online and phone options): http://www.thehotline.org/

US and International Hotlines for a variety of causes: https://sapphicscholarwrites.tumblr.com/post/167199297270/dont-ever-hesitate-reblog-this-tumblr-rule

Self-Harm Resources:http://myresourcemasterlist.tumblr.com/selfharmhttp://self-care-club.tumblr.com/post/139740925552/giant-self-help-masterposthttp://chooserecovery.tumblr.com/post/64162912692/ultimate-self-injury-recovery-masterpost

Suicide-specific resources:https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/https://themighty.com/suicide-prevention-resources/(For ones that link outside of the US):https://sapphicscholarwrites.tumblr.com/post/164643935260/selfharm-surviver-holybadbitch98https://sapphicscholarwrites.tumblr.com/post/164329606770/uie-fuwaprince-us-helplines-depression

Chapter Text:

“Are you and Maggie doing anything for Christmas?” Kara asked, popping another handful of popcorn into her mouth as she nudged Alex, who had started to nod off during the last episode of The Walking Dead.

“Hmm?”

“Christmas—what are you doing?”

“Oh,” Alex sighed, pulling herself up and rubbing at her eyes. “I don’t know. I mean…I know Maggie used to celebrate it with her family, but obviously that hasn’t been the case in years.”

“Right, right.”

“And it’s not like she goes to church at all these days.”

“I mean…you’re not exactly religious, but we still do Hanukkah with Eliza.”

Alex shook her head. “It’s different, I think. I was never religious; it was always more about…I don’t know, being with family and having something in common. I thought mom might be disappointed in me for being gay, but I never thought her reasoning would be that God said it was bad or anything like that.”

“Right,” Kara conceded. “But it might still be nice to celebrate together—you know, build new traditions.”

“I kinda fucked up with that whole thing on Valentine’s Day,” Alex sighed. Sure, they’d talked eventually and found a way to celebrate, to reclaim memories that had hurt Maggie for so many years. But Alex didn’t want to try to surprise Maggie this time and risk dredging up buried trauma once more. “I don’t know. I’ll talk to her.”

Closing her eyes, Maggie blinked back hot tears that threatened to fall. She focused on her breathing: Breathe in—1, 2, 3, 4, 5—hold—1, 2, 3—exhale—1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7. She fumbled to take off her watch, finding her pulse and focusing on its too fast beat, waiting for it to slow in time with her deep breathing. She ignored the clock, ignored the reminders of how soon Alex would be home, how weak she would look sitting at the kitchen counter and crying over a piece of paper—a stupid Hallmark greeting card with some trite bullshit scrawled across it in fake cursive.

Of course, the card itself hadn’t set her off. It was the hand-written note inside. The sight of the same handwriting that had adorned the rare note in her lunchbox in kindergarten was what had left her eyes stinging, not the vague platitudes about having a very merry Christmas and an even happier New Year. As she read, she was overcome with surges of anger and sorrow and a guilt that she had never quite been able to shake, no matter how much “pride” she claimed.

She tried to seize on the anger—the rage and frustration that she’d used as motivation to succeed: to do well enough in school to get herself out of that small Nebraska town; to do well enough in college to keep her scholarship; to do well enough in the academy to guarantee her a job, even as a non-straight, non-white woman. And there was plenty of it. Anger at her father’s suggestion that her family had always been there for her, as though they hadn’t left her alone at her aunt’s house with barely enough clothing for the week. Rage at this idea that she had been the one to wrong the family simply by living her life honestly and authentically, that she had ruined something otherwise perfect by being herself. Frustration at the phrase, “your friend,” as though her father hadn’t stormed out of their bridal shower precisely because Alex was so much more than just a friend, as though he hadn’t forced her out of her home and family as a mere child because her feelings for Eliza exceeded the bounds of friendship.

But then there was the photo of all of the cousins and nieces and nephews she’d never met. There were sentences about just how much older everyone had gotten, the sickness and bad times they’d been through without her there, the deaths she’d never known about, let alone mourned. Because she’d already done that—mourning the loss of a family that still existed—but not for her. Not with her.

It still got to her, still struck her with a guilt that felt like it could wrench her open, could undo everything she’d worked for, could tear down every inch of progress and confidence and sense of self she’d fought to build for herself.

Maybe he was right. Maybe they were all right. Maybe she was selfish—selfish for putting herself and her desires above her family, the people who had raised her, who had sacrificed their lives to try to make hers better.

And there was another voice—much quieter, harder to hear, harder to believe—that seemed to call back, to tell her that she was worth it, that her life wasn’t worth sacrificing on the altar of bigoted beliefs, no matter who else worshiped there. She thought the voice sounded an awful lot like Alex’s, and its echoes, the voices of her new family: M’gann and J’onn and James and Kara and Eliza and Winn and everyone else who had come together to prove to her that she had people in her corner even when she felt most alone and least worthy of love.

But they were just that: voices. And in the face of the letter, its words right there, her fingers able to trace over them, feel the indents where her father had pressed down just a little harder, those marks and proof of a family that existed in reality—a family she could barely even think of as family anymore—those voices advocating for her faded to the background, drowned out in a chorus of self-loathing so overpowering she could barely manage to stagger toward the bed, her deep breathing long forgotten.

—

Alex found her there nearly an hour later. Her body was rigid, trembling every so often but otherwise catatonic. She looked as pale as Alex had ever seen her, and there were tear tracks streaked across her cheeks, her eyes puffy and rubbed raw from the harsh swipe of her shirt sleeves. Her fingers were clenched into fists, and her short nails were leaving deep moon-shaped imprints in her palms.

“Maggie!” Alex called out, rushing forward. She’d seen her like this once before—just once—and it had terrified her as much then as it did now. Remembering her DEO training, she forced herself to stay calm, to detach herself from the situation and let her medical instincts take over.

“Hey, Maggie, it’s me, Alex,” she said, her voice low and even as she knelt down on the ground next to her, pulling out the bottle of water she carried with her in her bag and putting it beside Maggie on the bedside table. “You okay if I sit here?”

Maggie managed to get herself to nod.

“Great. And if that changes, I can move, okay? I’m going to stay with you, but I can be a little farther away, or I can get closer if you want.” She paused to let Maggie process. “Do you think you can breathe with me?”

“It’s not helping,” Maggie forced out, her teeth chattering shut.

“Maybe if we do it together, it’ll help a little, okay?” Alex murmured. “Can I put a blanket on you?” Seeing the nod of assent, Alex pulled out the fluffiest blanket they had—the one with no tags, no rough patches or odd seams, the one that Maggie had wrapped around her after everything with her dad and Cadmus—and carefully draped it over Maggie, taking care not to tuck it under her, lest she feel trapped. Feeling how cold Maggie was to the touch, she slipped over to the edge of the room and turned up the thermostat before making her way back over to the bed.

She knelt next to Maggie, helping her to slow her breathing, holding her hand once she told her it was okay to touch, checking her pulse and smiling broadly as it came down to close to normal levels, telling Maggie just how proud she was when she was able to unclench her muscles and relax slightly into the mattress. Once the worst of it seemed to be over, she got Maggie to drink water and stretch out her stiff muscles.

“What do you say to a hot bath together? It’ll warm you up, and we can light the nice candles.”

“Even the cookie one?”

“Definitely the cookie one,” Alex agreed, smiling at the signs of Maggie returning. A few moments later, she came back into the bedroom, having lit the candles and begun filling the bath. “You good to walk?”

“Yeah,” Maggie nodded, standing up and rolling her neck to work out the cricks that had developed in it. She still let Alex take her by the hand and walk her to the bathroom, cracked a joke or two when Alex asked to help take off her clothes, grinned when Alex pulled out the extra fluffy towels they had picked up a few weekends ago and set them on the radiator to warm while they were in the bath.

For a while they relaxed in silence, Maggie sitting between Alex’s legs, her head resting on Alex’s shoulders while Alex ran her fingers through Maggie’s hair.

“My dad wrote,” Maggie said, her voice quiet.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Do you think I’m a bad person?”

“What? No, Maggie, never. You’re—god, you’re one of the best people I know.”

“That’s not true. You know Supergirl.”

“Yeah, well Supergirl never gives me the last slice of pizza, and you always offer to share.”

Maggie snorted, shaking her head against Alex’s shoulder. “That’s not what I mean.”

“What do you mean? Because honestly, Maggie, you are one of the most caring people I know. I—you’ve made me better. And not just by helping me to come out,” she clarified, anticipating Maggie’s objection that anyone could’ve done that with enough perseverance or bluntness. “You’ve made me rethink some of those things I assumed I knew. You helped me to see aliens who weren’t just like my sister as people who needed protection, not just prosecution or imprisonment. You showed me possibilities for a life I never thought I’d have.”

“But you didn’t say anything about my family. People have died, Alex—people I loved, people who loved me. They died, and I didn’t know.”

“There’s a difference between choosing not to know and never having been told.”

“Is there? Phones exist. Hell, mail exists. I never tried reaching out.”

“You did nothing wrong!” Alex tried to bite back her anger, knowing that wasn’t what Maggie needed. “Look, I get where you’re coming from. But self-preservation, knowing to take care of yourself—that matters too. You had no way of knowing how they would react if you tried to reach out. They had already hurt you, Maggie.”

“Still. They’re family.”

“And so am I, but if I hurt you—god, Maggie, if I hurt you that way, I wouldn’t want you to feel like you owed me anything. You don’t owe anyone your forgiveness.” Trying to find words, Alex let out a sigh of frustration. “You did try, Maggie. Think about it that way. You tried—you invited your dad to our bridal shower, in part because I wasn’t thinking quite clearly. I thought…I could only think in terms of my own relationship with my mother. And we went through some rough, rough periods, but it was different. I didn’t see that clearly then. But you gave him a chance he didn’t deserve—a chance you were good and pure and kind enough to give him—and he threw it away.”

“He came.”

“Yes, and he left.”

“I know,” Maggie huffed. “And I thought that would be it! And if it was…well, maybe this would all be easier, you know? God, I just—he said no! He doesn’t want me the way I am. So why won’t he stop acting like it’s my fault?”

“I don’t know,” Alex admitted, her voice barely a whisper as she wrapped her arms around Maggie. “I really don’t. And I don’t—I don’t have the perfect advice to offer. I’m happy to call him and yell at him, or get a restraining order, or burn the letter, or ignore it entirely and hold you, or kiss you until you can’t think about anything else. I mean, whatever you want, you know? I’m here for you, and I’ll support you no matter what you choose.”

“Even if I choose vegan ice cream and a whole night of Rizzoli and Isles?” Maggie teased, opting to ignore the tears prickling the corners of her eyes.

“Even both of those terrible choices.”

“You love Rizzles just as much as I do.”

“You’re a cop! How do you deal with all the procedural violations?”

“I watch for the hot ladies with delightful romantic chemistry on my screen and put up with the rest.”

“Yeah, yeah. They don’t even get to make out, though.”

“Neither do half of the actual gay couples on television!”

“Fine,” Alex whined, though she kissed Maggie’s cheek anyway, which led Maggie to turn around, finding Alex’s lips with her own and letting herself be held, letting herself be cared for.

Eventually they got out of the tub, the water having grown lukewarm. Wrapped up in a fuzzy towel, Maggie nudged Alex with her shoulder. “You think it’s okay that I don’t try to reach out to him for Christmas?”

“I think that’s your decision, and you are allowed to celebrate however you want.”

“I mean…I want to celebrate by going sledding and destroying you in a snowball fight.”

“Whatever you want within reason,” Alex clarified, laughing at Maggie’s pout. “And maybe, just maybe, we can think about traveling somewhere cold for a vacation. Don’t see why we’d want to, though,” she added, winking at her fiancée.

“So cheesy movies and as much junk food as Kara can bring over? And maybe when she leaves you and I can find our own way to celebrate…”

“I think that sounds perfect.”

#ask me #anon #prompt fill #fanfic #cw homophobia #cw family abuse #cw depression #angst #hurt/comfort #sanvers #supergirl #maggie sawyer #alex danvers #kara danvers #holidays #maggie-centric #ao3feed

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biggestniq · 7 years

Text

Time for more me being real with the internet.

So i had a very similar conversation with a now ex friend

So this ex friend is bi and poly. I think i used to speak to her the absolute most when it came to my relationship problems. Yeah she wasn't always available or shed answer after i already hit up one or two other trusted friends but me and her always had the longest and most nuanced conversations right.

Well one of her last big pieces of advice to me was that she thinks I'm pan & poly and that i should find a gf who is bi or pan and a bunch of other stuff. See i was in a weird place when we spoke about that so i found it kinda funny. But i still talk to one of my tumblr homies i made (who i think we don't talk anymore.) But she told me how that was offensive of her to say and I've been thinking about how people in marginalized communities can still fetishize & trivialize people within their own communities. Thats kinda been in my mind for a while.

Anyways recently I've had a moral conflict about a few women, one being a virgin, one being too young for me (both more physical attractions), and now more an actual crush which i knew wouldn't work out to begin with. But I've basically already dealt with all these feelings and shit but hey my friend calls me and its with one of her partners who haven't met me yet. Were talking shooting the shit I'm getting to know her new partner a little better then she asks about my love life.

I tell her everything up to this point and she goes right to “i told you so, your soul is too big for average people you need someone who can handle it and grow with it. Now if you had just found yourself a strong willed bi girl you coulda avoided some of this”. The moment she brought up how i just need to find a bi girl i stop her and tell her how i feel like she might be simplifying everything too much.

So we get into a little bit of a discussion and i finally tell her how i think she might be one of those people who either thinks their situation would fix others but cant or she is looking at people in a very self serving way. At this point she is yelling and I'm still calm until she says something kinda hurtful about why I'm single and have very few friends. And now I'm yelling were going back and forth, her new partner apparently left the room. Her first girlfriend which i have known for a while takes the phone tells us both to calm down and we tell our sides....... Her girlfriend sees my side and said that she has had thoughts about that before too well boom more yelling.

Anyways it ends with my ex friend basically saying I'm poison to all my relationships and she is going to talk to her Gf alone and i should just delete her contact info now. her girlfriend kinda agrees saying it might be best if we stopped being friends.

Well im down another two friends that i have known for almost fucking decade! I swear i just keep losing friends this year, maybe i am poison or maybe i was complacent in the people i have known for too long i dont know but i had to type this out i already punched a wall and hurt my hand a bit. I need a release that isn't going to hurt. Like who can i even vent to this about outside of just posting this into the void of the internet. I may end up just putting too much strain another friendship. I really don't want to loose anymore this year or period.

Sigh i just need to shut down specific emotions & mannerisms again , nothing good comes from myself being unchecked. Im the kind of person who needs more control of himself or everything goes to shit. Well i doubt anyone read this but thanks for hearing me out if you did and i hope this doesn't weigh on you and that you also have better luck than me with friends and finding a S/O. I think ima go check up on a few of my other friends though make sure they are ok.

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survivormarmoreal · 5 years

Text

Episode #14: "i literally hate attention (i say as i broke out into song unprompted)” - Bryce

I can't believe that I am here. I made it to the Final 4. It is very crazy. I thought that I was toast in the Final 6. So to be here now is very exciting and shocking. The final 3 is going to depend on who wins immunity. I am really hoping that I could win this immunity to secure my spot in the final 3. If not then I hope that Matt doesn't win it. He needs to be an option just in case. I'm very nervous. I just finished my rites of passage. and its crazy that its almost final tribal.

so im getting 4th. FJKASDHFKJh this comp is so hard and like im literally not gonna be able to do endurance so i need to do well on the other stuff but i just dont see that happening... like this puzzle first try was 70 minutes FJKASDHFKAJS. AND I KNOW COUNTING WILL MESS ME UP BC IM NERVOUS WRECK i didnt even mean to caps that but its tea. like flash game i think when i played this once before i wasnt bad but maybe i was who knows. im so emo like no one is talking to me anymore FKJASHDFKJ like i guess bc its just 1 vote left they dont wanna pretend they wont cut me FJAKSDFH like my game not even that good im gonna get dragged by sharky/nathan/keaton/nicole/ everyone but brian... maybe even brian who knows NNNN. my nnn. is so iconic.. maynor who?. idk like ok so if i win immunity (which i wont) idek what to do like i feel like voting matt is the best option maybe. bc i WONT be voting maynor bc i love him (not that i dont love anna and matt) but i just feel like we've had the best relationship of the f4 and im confident that the jury will like my game more than his (maybe they wont tho... i say confident but i mean 2% (not skim) sure they will) but ok so annabelle prob is hated by jury at least from brian and maybe even sharky? but like she didnt play bad she literally made most iconic move at f6 and i respect that but idk if jurors do like ppl keep saying shes a goat so maybe she has no chance. and then theres matt where like ppl cant be mad he voted them when everyone and their mom in this game has voted him ASDKJFHASDKJ. like so hes prob liked by jury but i just dont know if hes done anything to deserve to win. he found 2 idols successfully played 1 but that was more on anna/nicks weird sense of leaking when it didnt really benefit them. but like ok he was least threatening member of trio who got to the end so underdog edit is there even tho he literally wasnt underdog tbh u know who was an underdog... ME. i had NO ONE but nathan for a lil.. then dennis... then he got ROBBED. so then i had brian... but he got ROBBED. and now i have maynor like ive literally flipped and flopped to better my game and idk like i am physically able to meaningfully say ive done anything good ever in life or orgs but like i didnt do too bad i think! KJFAHSDKJF... idk maybe im getting 0 votes 3rd place no matter what and if thats the case im still so happy bc ive had a lot of fun in this game and met some true friends (and keaton) but like im getting 4th anyway so doesnt matter! ugh that sounds like a final goodbye confession but i know me and im gonna confess like 10 more times before this round is over so if i do get 4th/3rd just know that this was my true end...

So like.... I do not think i'm winning immunity. like at all. which makes me pretty nervous ngl. I really want to be there at the finale cause i think I have a good shot. If Bryce loses, i'm fairly sure i'm good to get to FTC but otherwise im scared. Making FTC would be really good for me cause I think i can out argue Maynor and Annabelle fairly well, but otherwise with bryce there idk. So like, BRYCE CAN'T WIN IMMUNITY. Also this FIC is disgusting like no thanks. I've already fucked up the 2 live ones so uh ya am annoyed :(. woo final juror here i come!

Bryce won immunity. Im glad. I wouldnt want to be in the position to vote Bryce. I had to abstained from the counting part cuz it triggered my anxiety. I tried tho but i couldnt. This vote is going to be said. Matt is going to go 4th. And i feel really bad. We got to know each other more during every tribal. This really sucks. I just dont want to give him false hope where there isnt any. Im going to help tomorrow.

I am so getting final juror. fuck. i knew it would happen if bryce won immunity and it fucking is. I am so sad about this. I have worked so hard all game to get here and its just being tossed away like that. I am SO sad. I have fucked up my sleep schedule for this game and now its getting me final juror. ugh. i just wanted to get to the end and like argue my case. but now? not happening :( i hate this

I WON I REALLY WON IMMUNITY ASKDJFHASKDJF I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA LOSE WHEN I GOT 12 POSTS ASJFKHKASJFDHASDKJF THATS SO NNNNN IM SO HAPPY BUT SO SAD BC NOW I TRIED TO TELL MATT IM VOTING HIM BC I WANT TO BE HONEST BUT HE SAYS HES TALKING TO A BRICK WALL LIKE???? SORRY FOR NOT WANTING TO GIVE U FALSE HOPE AJDSFHDKAJ its honestly so rude like ive been in that position before so i know what its like when ur pleading ur case and the person doesnt seem to care and im NOT doing that. but obvioulsy i didnt just make up a plan on what to do at f4 so obviously i have thoughts and plans and im not just gonna switch it up bc u plea to me now. idk KJASHDFKJ also im so scared im gonna lose now NNN hes saying anna played so well and tbh she kind of did maybe i lose no matter what...

So like i am leaving but its ok! why? cause i will preserve my legacy by dropping a whole ass fajita recipe here so that I can feel like i have made an IMPACT on the season. Even though like im still sad its me, im going out with a bang baby! I don't use this recipe personally ( I am a broke student) but its v.good!

Ingredients: 2 large chicken breasts, finely sliced 1 red onion, finely sliced (ready to make you cry) 1 red pepper, sliced 1 red chilli, finely sliced (optional) For the marinade 1 heaped tbsp smoked paprika 1 tbsp ground coriander pinch of ground cumin 2 medium garlic cloves, crushed 4 tbsp olive oil 1 lime juiced 4-5 drops Tabasco

Method: Heat oven to 200C/180C fan/gas 6 and wrap 6 medium tortillas in foil.

Mix 1 heaped tbsp smoked paprika, 1 tbsp ground coriander, a pinch of ground cumin, 2 crushed garlic cloves, 4 tbsp olive oil, the juice of 1 lime and 4-5 drops Tabasco together in a bowl with a big pinch each of salt and pepper.

Stir 2 finely sliced chicken breasts, 1 finely sliced red onion, 1 sliced red pepper and 1 finely sliced red chilli, if using, into the marinade. 

Heat a griddle pan until smoking hot and add the chicken and marinade to the pan.

Keep everything moving over a high heat for about 5 mins using tongs until you get a nice charred effect. If your griddle pan is small you may need to do this in two batches.

To check the chicken is cooked, find the thickest part and tear in half – if any part is still raw cook until done.

Put the tortillas in the oven to heat up and serve with the cooked chicken, a bag of mixed salad and one 230g tub of fresh salsa.

hope the random person reading this uses it otherwise gj future me reading this you've officially gone insane! yeet ig?

This is going to be a sad day. I really like Matt and dont want to vote him out but its the best option from the people available. It really sucks. I feel his pain and ahh.

I’m literally going to cry. I want to help Matt. I wish we could all be final 3 but we can’t. I’m dying emotionally. Final 4 always has so much pressure cuz theres only 4 people left. I hope Matt doesn’t hate me. I hope he understands thisnis a game move because he techinically was the underdog in the beginning then was on top then back to underdog. I just hope he doesnt take it personal that I don’t think tie-ing it for him would be good for my game.

OMG IDK WHATS GONNA HAPPEN MATT GO HOME PLS BUT I FEEL LIKE ANNA IS VOTING MAYNOR IM GONNA BE SO SAD AHHHH DJSKFHSDKJF

Matt is voted out 3-1. He becomes the final juror.

ok so i had the worst day of my life today and didnt plan my speech at all so thats where im at NNN time to fake smile and hope the jurors like my ad libbed speech ASFKUHDFKJ ftc starts in 4 minutes.

well.. that was interesting adsjflhasdkfj. Like i always have 0 confidence in myself so i think im gonna lose and i really do respect the game that anna and maynor played. im just sad that i dont think i articulated myself well bc like im so bad with words anajsfhakj and ppl were saying conflicting things and its just not in me to like chime in with my pov to possible sway it in my favor bc i literally hate attention (i say as i broke out into song unprompted) but yaaa like i truly think that maybe i kind of did play super well and deserve to win but either way ill be happy bc i made *some* genuine friendships and also like had so much fun voting ppl out KFADHSKJASHK. i wish i like wrote what all my confessionals were so i could reference sth i said on day 1 but it was prob like i hate my tribe they ignore me so maybe ill just say that again FKJADSHFKJ. we love coming full circle... im so hungry i didnt eat so i will now stop typing to get dinner maybe i will write another confessional. omg wait gotta have some line thats iconic in case theres an episode title... think... love talking to myself FAKSDHFKj im so funny when i was like "i realized hey i respond to myself ill take me to the end" its such a mood KFJASDHFKJ ok but hm... ok. maybe im a snake who doesnt actually care about people and use them to my advantage to get my way but at least im not jayden. OMG jk thats so mean even tho he deserves it ALSO i was gonna like comment on keaton being like "saying the n word doesnt make u racist" but then he was kind of nice to me so i didnt.. love being as fake woke as me... not being confrontational to get a jury vote... so gross NNNN wooh idk how to end this but watch waves music video normani literally snapped so hard is being as slept on as me. omg wait... maybe im a pillow bc i sure am being slept on. iconic line.... i love the hosts so much ignore literally every cringe thing i wrote in this confessional pls FKJADSHKFJ

IM VERY DRUNK AND I DNT KNOW IF I HAD TO. BUT EITHER BRYCE OR ANNA WILL WIN CUZ IM A MES AND DONT DESERVE TO CUZ THEY WERE BOTH AMAZING FOR LETTING ME GET TO FTC. I WANNA THANK ANNA THE HOST FOR BEING AMAZING AND GREAT. I LIKED THE ALICE THEM CUZ HEART CUZ ICANT EMOHJI, ,LOVED THIS SEASON AND UR ALL AMAZING HOSTS.

Im happy I made it to the final 3. And even though FTC was bad; I enjoyed it. I know I’m probably getting 3rd which is fine. I have so much respect to Annabelle and Bryce and everyone in the jury. I’m more excited to be able to talk to all of them again. Let’s see who is our winner will it be Bryce or Annabelle!? The hosts you guys were amazing and i had a great time this season. Im glad Jones pushed and convinced me to apply. Thank you for giving me a spot in this season. And Jones you da best. 💖💛💙

confession time. everytime i write one of these i put the day as who are u and my name as what day is it.. my mind always having to go change it. but um didnt think i would be writing another one of these FJKSADF but i have no self control and winner reveal is in 4 and a half hours and im literally sick FAKJDSk i feel so anxious and nervous like even if i lose im gonna be happy but i just really want to win also im still trying to process ppl not liking me or my gameplay and saying i played with their emotions FJKASDHFJ i had a blast. anyways this is the anthem of the day apparently https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UhzN7SfnNeY

WHATS GOING ON?? IM TIRED IS WHATS GOING ON IM SO ANXIOUS! im sooo anxious i want to win. pls...

Bryce wins Celestial Marmoreal in a 4-3-0 vote!

#episode #allmadhere

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chloesthoughtjourney · 6 years

Text

emily (30-01-18)

I am terrified about my breakdown the other day as I hadn’t had one in months and they have been as often as a weekly occurrence in the past. That is why I am frantically trying to work out what is wrong with me. You may laugh that I am looking at videos of borderline and aspergers but it’s simply because I don’t want to be having mental breakdowns anymore, i want to figure out what is wrong with me so i can figure out how to get better.

I understand your desire to excuse yourself from blame, and I have been partially complicit by reassuring you that it is my own issue. Furthermore you keep asking for an explanation of what exactly it was you said, so let me explain:

a) telling someone who has said they might have a mental health issue that they just need more disciple.

this falls at almost every hurdle, of course I know I need more disciple. that is why I’m going to the doctor. the issue is not that I don’t want discipline or that I don’t try to get stuff done. the issue is that no matter how hard i try, i fail. often failing multiple times will lead someone to believe that they are defined as a failure. i am extremely anxious about work and it takes a lot of energy for me to try and remain positive when i consistently fail at things that people around me have no issue with. so for someone to say, “you feel like a failure, have you tried not being a failure? oh, i mean properly trying, like the kind that requires disciple and willpower” not only makes me feel more like a failure, but makes me believe that even my friends think these things about me too. which ngl i think you do.

b) you say that everyone gets distracted or is late sometimes. okay but..... im late all the time, im distracted all the time, i literally can’t do anything. you live in a house with me and if you can genuinely say you would be happy if you lived my life then i will fucking eat my hat. thats like saying to a depressed person “everyone gets sad sometimes”. that’s not what depression is. the point at which something bridges the gap between normal human experience and issue that you should see a doctor about is when it is there no matter what the circumstances are or what you do, and when it affects your life, work, friends, relationships...

c) i really don’t think you think very much of me. after essentially telling me that i was lazy, unmotivated and just looking for excuses for about 10 minutes i began to (reasonably, i feel) become emotional. i wasn’t angry at you, but i was forced to acknowledge thoughts that i try to avoid in order that i can actually leave my house. i believe my reaction to what you said was as intense as it was mainly due to your final statement, “okay chloe, your voice is becoming raised and a bit aggressive so i think you need to tone it down a bit”. none of my other friends would say that to me, and especially not specifically after the conversation that we were having.

if i explained to any of my friends that, “i am worried about this thing that is making me sad and i am going to the doctor about it” their reaction wouldn’t be trying to argue with me on whether or not i am worried, sad or whether the thing actually exists. even if they didnt believe me, they would understand that i would be in an emotional state. the reason for this is that this would be clear. the fact that this isn’t clear to you makes me question our friendship, or if you for some reason think that i’m not capable of emotion. i feel like you feel i am aggressive and lazy. can you count the number of times i have recommended you go to a doctor, even if it wasn’t that serious? this is because i care about you and trust that you’re a better judge of your emotions than i am because i’m not in your head and you are a fully grown adult who knows what is and what isn’t normal for you.

this brings me to my next point

d) i am very aware that over the course of our relationship, there has been a very unequal emotional balance. this has often been the case for me because people see me as “emotionally strong” and i think that i possess a genuine care about people that a lot of people don’t seem to have. i have never complained about this relationship, as it hasn’t really been a problem to me- it’s the norm. but that doesn’t mean i dont have emotional needs. now when you specifically ask for me to depend on you emotionally and talk to you more, that is already a massive step as i have never done that before. as soon as i reveal the smallest bit of emotion, your reaction is always either using it as an opportunity to talk about something that’s troubling you instead or downplaying what im saying. i already feel like i’m crazy, the last thing i need is for someone else to be telling me the same thing. this is why i said i don’t want to talk about emotions anymore. it doesnt make sense for me to engage in something that i don’t think will help me. and while i previously took pleasure in being there for you and supporting you, it feels weird now that i know that it will never really be able to go the other way.

e) i don’t really think you know me at all. you don’t know what sort of music i listen to, things that i’m interested in, what i like or don’t like. or maybe you do, but then i don’t feel like you value these things. for instance, i don’t like people walking into my room randomly, and you have known this for years but do it anyway. either you don’t listen to what i tell you, or you don’t value what i tell you. maybe it’s the case that you have a problem with impulsivity like you’ve said in the past. if that is the case this isn’t relevant and you should go to a doctor. but otherwise it makes me feel like someone who calls myself my friend just doesn’t value me.

f) this is maybe my issue but i never tell you when things that you’ve done upset me (this being a prime example) as I don’t want to upset you. but i think we are the same age and you don’t seem to have a problem with it going the other way. i don’t think that’s a fair balance. i feel like i constantly sweep things under the blanket, yet you still say that i’m aggressive or “sassy”.

g) additionally, you saying things like “other people wouldn’t get offended by what i said” doesn’t make any sense firstly...... the reason i’m offended is because i think i have a mental health problem that im trying to get sorted, of course i won’t react like a normal person? and secondly what purpose does that serve but to make you feel less guilty. there’s no possible interpretation i could have that would make me feel less shit when i was clearly in a not good state. and i think this happens quite often. thirdly, as i said earlier, what happened the other day was partially the straw that broke the camels back. usually i would brush off what ever had been said but for what ever reason i couldnt that day.

i am mainly writing this as you kept asking what you did and i felt unable to put it into words. to me, my friends are the people that uplift me and that is why i dont want to talk about things that have to do with emotions with you in future. because i want to be your friend.

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fifty-shades-of-succ · 7 years

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1-150

Thank you! Haha here we go...

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? Luke2. Are you outgoing or shy? Shy3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? No one.4. Are you easy to get along with? Idk anymore. I’d like to think so but who knows5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? I think so6. What kind of people are you attracted to? The bad kind, I guess7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? No8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? The prick9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? Nah10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? Jaren11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? Hello?12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? Shape of you, Closer, Paris, Electric Love, Love yourself 13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? Idk never had it happen to me14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? Yes15. What good thing happened this summer? I went to France16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Never kissed someone17. Do you think there is life on other planets? Yes18. Do you still talk to your first crush? Yes19. Do you like bubble baths? Yes20. Do you like your neighbors? Yes21. What are your bad habits? Biting nails, overthinking, treating people who don’t deserve it too nicely.22. Where would you like to travel? France, America, Britain23. Do you have trust issues? Yes24. Favorite part of your daily routine? Going to sleep and being at peace finally.25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? My legs26. What do you do when you wake up? Take a while to get myself out of a daze and then check my phone27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? A little more darker so I was tanned28. Who are you most comfortable around? Calum, Luke, and Jaren and Brad29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? No.30. Do you ever want to get married? Yea, one day I guess.31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail? Yes32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? Dylan O’Brien and Taron Egerton33. Spell your name with your chin. ebony34. Do you play sports? What sports? Badminton and Soccer for school35. Would you rather live without TV or music? Without Tv36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? Yes37. What do you say during awkward silences? Nothing38. Describe your dream girl/guy? Funny, loyal and compassionate39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? Cotton on, Myer, Bonds40. What do you want to do after high school? Die (oh wait no thats before high school ends) uhhhh do schoolies and then do a military gap year41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? No. Not anymore.42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? I’m either super relaxed and chill or I’m about to burst into tears.43. Do you smile at strangers? Depends if they look kind enough44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? Space, fuck the ocean45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? My parents46. What are you paranoid about? Exposing too much of myself47. Have you ever been high? No48. Have you ever been drunk? No49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? Yes...50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? Maroon51. Ever wished you were someone else? Every day52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? My likability53. Favourite makeup brand? Nars? I think? Or too faced54. Favourite store? Myer55. Favourite blog? @dont-drop-your-ascots56. Favourite colour? Purple, Orange and Black57. Favourite food? Pasta58. Last thing you ate? Dinner59. First thing you ate this morning? A milo60. Ever won a competition? For what? A story writing thing in prep, and a science quiz thing in year 861. Been suspended/expelled? For what? No62. Been arrested? For what? No63. Ever been in love? Yeah. Fuck it.64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? No65. Are you hungry right now? No66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? All my tumblr friends except one are my real friends so67. Facebook or Twitter? Neither68. Twitter or Tumblr? Tumblr69. Are you watching tv right now? No70. Names of your bestfriends? Calum, Luke, Brad, Jaren, Hannah71. Craving something? What? Death72. What colour are your towels? Blue, blue and white, and black72. How many pillows do you sleep with? One73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? No74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? Two75. Favourite animal? Idk, birds I think76. What colour is your underwear? Black with pink lace and floral77. Chocolate or Vanilla? Chocolate78. Favourite ice cream flavour? Cookie Dough or chocolate79. What colour shirt are you wearing? Dark grey80. What colour pants? Blue with froot loops81. Favourite tv show? Brooklyn nine-nine82. Favourite movie? Kingsman83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? I guess the first one idk, never seen it84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? 21 Jump street85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? Idk86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? Nemo87. First person you talked to today? Louise88. Last person you talked to today? The last person was matisse89. Name a person you hate? The prick90. Name a person you love? My friends91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? YEA, FUCKIN OVER AND OVER AGAIN!92. In a fight with someone? I guess.93. How many sweatpants do you have? Uh a few pairs94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? Many95. Last movie you watched? Can’t remember actually, may have been war of the worlds96. Favourite actress? Don’t have one97. Favourite actor? Dylan O’Brien98. Do you tan a lot? Nope, not at all99. Have any pets? Yea, two dogs and a cat100. How are you feeling? Awful.101. Do you type fast? Yea102. Do you regret anything from your past? I regret it all.103. Can you spell well? Yea I guess104. Do you miss anyone from your past? Without a doubt105. Ever been to a bonfire party? Yes106. Ever broken someone’s heart? Yes. And I’m so sorry.107. Have you ever been on a horse? Yes108. What should you be doing? Moving on109. Is something irritating you right now? Yes110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? Yes111. Do you have trust issues? Didn’t I get asked this?112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? Hannah113. What was your childhood nickname? Eby114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? Yes115. Do you play the Wii? Fuck thats ancient isnt it116. Are you listening to music right now? No117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? Eh118. Do you like Chinese food? LOVE it119. Favourite book? The Maze Runner120. Are you afraid of the dark? A little121. Are you mean? Apparently.122. Is cheating ever okay? No123. Can you keep white shoes clean? Yes124. Do you believe in love at first sight? Yes125. Do you believe in true love? Yes126. Are you currently bored? Not really127. What makes you happy? Being appreciated and happy in my friendships and gaming128. Would you change your name? No129. What your zodiac sign? Libra130. Do you like subway? Ehhhhhhh131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? Continuously gently put them down until they stop liking you romantically so you can just be friends. Oh wait. Apparently you have to leave as soon as you dont wanna get your dick wet ey? Fuck the friendship amiright132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? Ok, theyre the same questions. Its gettin lazy133. Favourite lyrics right now? The second verse from I hate you I love you134. Can you count to one million? No135. Dumbest lie you ever told? I may be colourblind (I did it for attention many years ago...)136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? Open137. How tall are you? 164 cm138. Curly or Straight hair? Straight139. Brunette or Blonde? Blond140. Summer or Winter? Winter141. Night or Day? Night142. Favourite month? September143. Are you a vegetarian? No144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? Milk145. Tea or Coffee? Neither146. Was today a good day? Yeah. But the night is filled with pain.147. Mars or Snickers? Neither148. What’s your favourite quote? “The mask you wear serves its purpose well, but be careful not to lose yourself in it”149. Do you believe in ghosts? Yes150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? “Alone and baffled.” -Maladapted

Thank you for the anon ^_^

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