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#i dont think ive ever consciously listened to one and
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wait yall. whats that dinosaur documentary you all like called??
i need to watch that bc now im free to be cringe and autism about dinosaurs again
#this is where im gonna start setting my low bar. you have to let me infodump about my lifelong obsession w dinosaurs or else#not or else. i just think a healthy relationship for me involves actually being listened to#which uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i dont have a great track record of#i really looked at my parents and internalized whatever the fuck both of them have going on and was like#oh yeah consciously i dont want that#subconsciously tho...if anyone tries to stop me from having that ill kill them#literally i got so mad at my friends for telling me the relationship was bad for me#when theyd see me like red faced and sniffling after nearly every conversation i had w my ex#also im screaming they were really like 'i dont think of you as my ex. and i still want to have sex with you#i just think youre gross and old and i lied about having feelings for you'#like i cant get over how they thought that was ok to say to my face unprompted#yeah all at once like that#im glad i can at least call them my ex now#bc the cats waaaay out of the bag bc i got drunk and everyone was like 'oh yeah we knew we just didnt want to make your mental breakdown#worse. were here for you now that youre sane again tho'#i really do just need to be casual and noncommital in the way i was before i hooked up w my ex#like the period between me and my fiance amicably splitting bc theyre not built for long distance and me fucking#the second worst bottom ive ever met was honestly really nice. i like having the freedom to be by myself but also go out occasionally#for a fun event with one or a few people#which i think is pretty normal honestly#wait i need to break out my diagram of whether bottoms are evil or not based on their political alignment#fake woke lib bottoms continue to be the fucking worst#i honestly need to meet more conservative bottoms. theyre the right flavor of deranged and they dont understand lying well enough to lie#to me about their feelings and commitment level
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tokyogruel · 3 months
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8 for the ask game im curious >:) don't hold back
8. common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about
this one got long
im kind of in the smaller circle of fans that thinks mikoto is the best written prisoner and the best love story ever told so i really dont see much of this anymore- but,, the fear/idea/opinion that mikoto is a flat, poorly-written depiction of DID. he's not. he is the best depiction of DID i have personally seen. his CV has voiced at least one other DID-coded character
(kaneki ken, whose whole story is- and im sorry this is a long tangent- but hey my mom abused me, i do a lot of fawning towards the people around me. oh m,uy god i went on a date that ended with me being turned into a half-ghoul, i feel inhuman and scared. oh and now im being tortured and ive come out of it feeling like a completely different person with a drastically different appearance. im fucked up. oh when i get put into the most traumatizing situations ever i revert back to my "tortured self." i talk to past versions of myself in my headspace. oh i got stabbed in the brain, now im sasaki haise, a reflection of my past self who fawned a lot and felt more soft and human. and i look and act different again. oh fuck i got triggered horribly and i remember im kaneki, rinse and repeat until he finally gets his happy ending)
but anyway back to mikoto. he reads very heavily as someone with DID who is not in a safe position to discover his system, so his parts blend together to try and be as "whole" as possible- he is RGB and the color wheel, a spectrum. blue is a soft color, its his main color (though his official color "grey-blue" is very notably a toned down, dull version of a true blue). he is probably very detatched from the red-tones of his system, his anger and pride and distress, he acts like he's fine when, internally, he's having 40 breakdowns at once. he'll forget about the bad parts after a while, like they never happened! until his next breakdown, when all those repressed feelings and memories come flooding back, only to get shoddily tucked away again. rinse and repeat.
and then he faces something terribly traumatic- he murders someone. (which, yes, is traumatizing to the murderer too) that (and coming to milgram) probably sparked John's "birth"- the need for an emotional protector, and/or a new host. the parts of him that killed someone get shoved to the back of his brain by mido, greenkoto- his gatekeeper. but these parts still bleed into him, hence all of MeMe. his unforgiven verdict likely pushed away the main offender in his murder(s), and john took his new identity to protect mikoto from his new threats (kotoko and the warden), but after seeing mikoto act one way, only to act totally different (john pre-name, a budding identity, a new protector/host) his DID becomes way more noticeable. john is very blunt, his more emotional parts are detached. if he shows too much of them, they could get hurt again, and he cant have that
but pre-milgram, mikoto and john were not consciously aware of their DID, they were "single." when a system is forcefully discovered, the "single person" facade shatters, fragments become more apparent, and separate identities take time and effort to form a "person" or "people" john can not be born AND become a fleshed-out identity overnight, it takes time. (also im listening to neoplasm again and ahhh, he refers to his host/emotional parts/the blues of him as his heart. i love john so much)
aNYWAY I THINK MIKOTO IS VERY WELL WRITTEN AND A GREAT STORY OF SELF-LOVE AND DEDICATION AND HE IS A LOVE STORY IN HIMSELF GOODBYE!!!!!! GOODBYE!!!!!!!!!!!!
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kienansidhe · 2 months
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heres an anecdote ive been thinking about.
i grew up in an evangelical christian cult under very extreme surveillance and censorship of incoming information. i didnt know the actual history of christianity, the real history, not the fake stuff i was taught, for many, many years. as far as i knew, the bible i read cover to cover every year was the only bible there had ever been, was the literal word of god, and the only issue was how to translate it from the original hebrew and greek. i had no reason to question this until high school, when my brother and i were sent walking around the neighborhood wearing brightly colored "ask me about jesus" tags.
an older neighbor working on his front lawn called us over. "okay," he said. "ill bite. tell me about jesus." so of course, we gave him the story we had been taught. original sin, hell, jesus dying on the cross, etc. etc. he listened patiently, then talked a bit abt his own personal spirituality. i dont remember the specifics, i think he actually was a sort of christian in a way, but only as a personal, private thing, no church, smth we had never encountered before. more importantly, he told us to look up the council of nicea.
our parents were very vague about their answer, so i ended up looking it up on wikipedia. i read that the bible as i knew it was only one canon, defined fairly recently, by one faction of the church. i learned about the existence of the apocrypha, that a bunch of old men had sat down and decided which books of the bible they considered the real word of god, which were fake.
of course, our upbringing had already provided their own magical answers for this kind of problem, but the seed was planted, alongside many other little seeds that were beginning to sink in and take root. what i knew came into direct conflict with the outside world, which gave me a point of entry for questions. how do we know which men were inspired by god? what did the other rejected books say? through this train of thought i came to find countless questions about the bible that were not as conclusively answered as i had been led to believe. prior to this, my conflicts with christianity had been on the basis of my own gut feelings. this feels wrong, arent i hurting people? but that one clue, the council of nicea, gave me a point of reference to start dismantling the whole theological basis for what i was taught.
eventually i found out that even the very concept of hell was a fabrication. i had read the bible faithfully for my whole life, once thru, cover to cover, every year. things like a lake of fire, eternity separated from god, a lot of the pieces that make up the popular concept of hell were there, scattered throughout, but when i realized that these fragments i had read had been manipulated and conflated to me from toddlerhood, that the bible never actually describes hell as i knew it, well. the whole tower crumbled.
for years i had struggled with the basic conflict of seeing with my own eyes that the things i said and did hurt people, that many horrible things had been done in the name of god. this was and always had been the original, basic instinct for my difficulty with christianity. but hell, hell had been the ultimate lynchpin. if hell was real, if not being christian doomed you to an eternity of literal torture, then any hurt i and other christians inflicted was justified. i truly evangelized and told people they were bad and going to hell out of a brainwashed desire to save them. i was terrified for them, for myself, for everyone. i dont think i will ever fully be able to convey how afraid i was, from my very first inklings of consciousness. hell tied it all together. i would do anything, anything to keep myself and those i cared about from suffering for eternity. even if my friends hated me, i had to plant the seed and pray for god to grow it in them. i had to.
once hell came into question, that fear finally began to lighten. cracks in my prison. a critical piece of information that had been carefully hidden my entire life. information that changed everything.
when youre sufficiently brainwashed, its hard to know where to even begin to question the world as you know it. your gut might tell you something is wrong, but when your world has self contained answers for everything, when it all seems to be one smooth globe around you, it can be hard to find the cracks. it seems impenetrable.
sometimes you need a little help to find the cracks.
i dont rlly have a point to this post, i just think about that weird old guy a lot. he sold heirloom tomato seedlings out of his backyard for $5 each, had torn up the entire yard without his landlords permission, and god those tomatoes were the best ive ever had. i wonder if hes still around, selling tomatoes, teaching people to question what theyve been told. id like to tell him how much he changed my life.
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misspickman · 7 months
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fero pickman and xue yang. i know all your comics friends have you covered
fero !
Sexuality Headcanon: bi i think. i dont think hed care about defining that tbh. also keith once called him aromantic on twt and idk if thats generally considered canon but i enjoy it<3
Gender Headcanon: little guy. again to me? genderqueer but idk if hed care about it. in a modern au maybe, but less because he wants to define it and more because people would ask that of him. which maybe just makes him refuse to define it even more. much to think about
A ship I have with said character: ephero.. theyre so real in my heart.. i dont think about them much anymore but when i do. ah :(. also ferol he fucked that old man
A BROTP I have with said character: fero and hella and adaire,, what we could have had,, also mother glory. and samol. anyone of the main pcs tbh just put this guy in dynamics
A NOTP I have with said character: uhh idk honestly. i cant think of anything rn? im sure i have some but ?
A random headcanon: do you remember when we gave him a bunch of cats in our au. also: always fixing shit. this is how he shows he cares. he will not say it but he will fix that hole on hellas roof and be grumpy the whole time
General Opinion over said character: he has changed my brain chemistry irreparably. listening to seasons of hieron and going hes just like me fr (derogatory)
pickman!!!
Sexuality Headcanon: lesbian. probably not something she thinks about much, a la "im probably nb but i have a job so idc about that now"
Gender Headcanon: my big butch wife. but in general same as above, she is what she is and shes too busy to dwell on it, and its not like its anyone elses business, right? also what even Are gender expectations of a caprak? i dont think this is ever discussed but i would like to know
A ship I have with said character: pickman/chantilly scathe.. man
A BROTP I have with said character: alekest :) and colette<3
A NOTP I have with said character: uhh idk i cant imagine her with men. the lesbian energy is off the charts
A random headcanon: i would like to think she gets more into art after zevunzolia. maybe into wood carving. it would be sweet. would she write poetry.. i dont think she would consciously sit down to do it but she is Very good at writing letters (thanks jack, for that<3)
General Opinion over said character: miss pickman my wife miss pickman.. we shall have a spring wedding.. i think about her six travelers ep So much. "I think it is something magical that separates us. Again, I am not speaking metaphorically."
xue yang :)
Sexuality Headcanon: probably bi. similar to what i said for fero but for entirely different reasons, i dont think hed care
Gender Headcanon: you see this is a Question. its been so long since ive actively thought about this so i cant articulate it but theres something going on there
A ship I have with said character: songxue, songxuexiao, i love a very horrid and messy xueyao too. any ship with xue yang is horrid and messy but in most cases the horridness is one sided but in xueyao its both of them. this increases the levels of horridness. u get me
A BROTP I have with said character: in my beautiful mind and nowhere else? wen qing. in a more realistic sense aqing and meng yao
A NOTP I have with said character: oh im sure there are many xue yang ships i would not enjoy but i dont wanna think about it rn. but uhh him and mo xuanyu? i just dont vibe
A random headcanon: in any modern au i am giving this guy soo many tattoos and piercings. also motorcycle guy
General Opinion over said character: i miss him its such a shame i can never step back into that fandom. also changed my brain chemistry but in a completely different way
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hella1975 · 10 months
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hella would you like to tell the class (me) about your touya playlist
i dont WANT to im GOING TO bc i literally am acting posessed rn and have no say in the matter anymore. fuck my stupid baka life. anyway id like to preface this by saying to anyone who actually knows anything about mha that some of what i say might be fanon hcs and not canon, and that's bc ive absorbed mha content in possibly the most insane way possible and at this point even i dont know what's canon and what's from the hundreds of thousands of words of fanfiction ive read in a short amount of time. like i am in free fall rn i have bigger problems to be quite honest
touya's playlist song-by-song!
so off the bat, this playlist is much more somber and angsty than you might expect of dabi and that's bc i already have a playlist specifically for his identity as dabi, and that leans way more into songs that have his VIBES and/or i feel like he'd listen to. this one however is just pure devastation bc alas he is fucked in the head.
the archer - COMBAT HE IS LITERALLY READY FOR COMBAT! his whole personality the reason he was PUT ON THIS EARTH was to fight and be a hero he was never supposed to be a child he was never supposed to be HUMAN he was always always defined by his ability to fight his skill as a firewielder his need to surpass all might. i say i dont want that but what if i do? he just wants his dad to love him, to acknowledge him, and if this is what it takes then by god he'll do it until it literally kills him BUT ALL OF MY HEROES DIED ALL ALONE! HIS DAD IS THE NO.2 HERO AND HE'S THE FIRST PERSON TOUYA NEEDED SAVING FROM! THEY SEE RIGHT THROUGH ME THEY SEE RIGHT THROUGH ME CAN YOU SEE RIGHT THROUGH ME? HE'S NOT THE FIGHTER HE SAYS HE IS HE'S JUST A CHILD. and then the most sickening bit: all the kings horses and all the king's men couldn't put me back together again. his body literally falls apart on him and the childish reference to humpty dumpty is just the reminder that he was only thir-fucking-teen when that happened. who could ever leave me. who could stay
the view between villages - this song is obvs 'being in your home and feeling it all coming back at once' and for noah kahan that's specifically the drive 'between villages' but for touya this song really makes me think of sekoto peak and just the todoroki residence as a whole. it's this beautiful lush forested area and it's where touya todoroki dies. he asks for his dad to come and see a technique that he's learned, something that's finally his, something shouto can't do, and enji isn't there and it kills touya. his quirk malfunctions and he burns himself alive and takes this beautiful landscape with him and enji isn't there. a minute from home but i feel so far from it. the death of my dog the stretch of my skin it's all washing over me im angry again. the things that i lost here the people i knew! they got me surrounded for a mile or two! losing my mind!
strangers - what started it all. he is yet another 'i tried to be good am i no good?' character and im not okay about it at all in the slightest. please, i just wanted to be good enough. i tried to be good and it set me alight. i just wanted to be yours. and then touya dies and they FORGET ABOUT HIM there's no public backlash there's no inquiry there's hardly even a funeral shouto doesn't remember him natsuo and fuyumi are hardly allowed to mention him the world consciously actively and purposely buries touya todoroki his memory restricted to a polaroid in evidence and then he returns. he returns ugly and scarred and barely held together. am i making you feel sick. and through it all, his mother is in a mental hospital, watching him on the news, crying and waiting up for him. dont think about it too hard or you'll never sleep a wink at night again.
ptolemaea - this song captures 'the breaking point' perfectly and that's just very touya especially for sekoto peak. promising a fire any fire im on fire im on fire im on fire what have you done stop stop make it stop ive had enough stop stop stop stop STOP I AM THE FACE OF LOVE'S RAGE. and so dabi was born in fire and anguish and agony. also if u take the doctor and all for one angle with this song about how they wanted touya as a second shigaraki and they took him from sekoto peak then the whole 'you poor thing you sweet mourning lamb there's nothing you can do it's already been done' is v much giving that angle of them taking advantage. blessed be the children each and every one come to know their god through some senseless act of violence.
be an astronaut - i talked about this song the other day bc the lyrics are kinda inexplicable but it fucking GUTS me and i could not tell you why. like the desperation of the vocals is just ughhhh give me a song that sounds borderline hysterical and ill eat it up regardless of what it's about. replace 'astronaut' with any specific character's motivation and you've got a prewrapped blorbo song right there. touya you were born to be your father's destiny and you'll do that or die trying. but there's an overarching air that it's a pity, it's a waste, it's hopeless. the song is almost MOCKING. all touya wants is revenge on endeavor, and yes it's blind and hateful and consumes him, but still is it really so much to ask? but he doesn't even get that much. the way the manga is going, touya will die and endeavor will be redeemed. nothing dabi did ever mattered. touya todoroki never mattered. it was always as ridiculous as a child saying they want to be an astronaut
waiting room - he got away from the abuse he opened his eyes and took down his father from the pedestal he put him on he acknowledged that his dad wasn't the hero anyone thought he was he already admitted the scary thing; that endeavor is not and never was good and everything he fed touya was wrong. it's for the better that he knows these things. it is. it's for the better. he's glad to be away from home. he is he is he is. it's for the better i know it's for the better i know it's for the better
christmas kids - YOU'LL CHANGE YOUR NAME AND CHANGE YOUR MIND AND LEAVE THIS FUCKED UP PLACE BEHIND BUT I'LL KNOW!!!!!!! 'dabi' and 'touya' are such wildly different people because dabi genuinely believes that touya todoroki is dead. he died at thirteen at sekoto peak and dabi was born. they aren't the same. touya was the weak, abused child who just wanted to be good. dabi is the villain ready to spill blood in his name. but at the end of the day, dabi is touya and touya is dabi. he can pick another name, go wherever he likes, join the league of villains if he wants, but that will always, always be true
i bet on losing dogs - this is just perpetually playing when i think about him. he's doomed to fail. he's not going to make it. i already know he isn't but oh god he deserved better
a burning hill - okay i was feeling funny like yes 'im tired of wanting more' 'im a forest fire and i am the fire and i am the forest and i am the witness watching it' is v touya coded and the general exhaustion of this song is horrific on its own let alone applied to a character that has been through so goddamn much, but also... it's literally a burning hill.... sekoto peak was a burning hill.... ha.... haha
mary on a cross - so glad u specificaly sent this ask bc the tbosutuals are SO insane about this song. like yes like all ghost songs it's technically just about horny sin but i will always, always associate this song with character death. specifically (and this is why it upsets me so much) this is one of the few character death songs of mine that isn't objectively sad, and that's because it reminds me of their LIFE. like it feels like a flashback in the moment of death of all the beautiful things, and it was beautiful it was brilliant, but they die anyway. they dont get to make it despite despite despite. and THAT'S why this song will always fuck with me. so yeah. touya. admittedly he's not on darya's level yet bc this will always be her song but for me to even touch this song with another character speaks volumes
cigarette daydreams - the ultimate 'you were too young to experience what you did' anthem. the vibes of this song are so dismal it sounds like what rain feels like. you were only seventeen. touya was 13/14 when he died and he woke up from his coma as dabi when he was 16/17 (pretty sure it was 16 but 17 works better with this song so shhhh). and then he's just. unaccounted for until he's 24. he's nothing and no one on the streets of japan and in the criminal underworld and he's just a fucking kid. a scared, traumatised, in constant pain kid.
hearing damage - hiiii it's me and this song again <3 similar to cigarette daydreams im going crazy about vibes again. like this song is so unsettling it's like static it FEELS like a dissociation and that's a really common coping mechanism for someone who's experienced high levels of trauma/constant stress to just pull the shutters down and tap out of the bad thing happening. like ive said before even if it isnt confirmed or denied yet that i know of i do firmly believe that dabi's just been on the streets since he was a teenager and i just think this really fits.
class of 2013 - rei never saved him. that child still screaming for their mother to help them never ever goes away. he's this big scary villain now, covered in scars and piercings, but every single day he has to fight and keep up a mask and watch for threats. do you think he thinks about her then? him, tired and so so hurt, and her fading away in a hospital because, just like him, she broke under the weight of enji's ambition? they're the two family fuck-ups, the two that couldn't take it, do you think he misses her? just once, could she wash the dye out of his hair and save him?
go home - KILLING MYSELF. this song is fine whatever im not talking about it any more than i did in that post but i will say this is very burn it all down by dorothycanfly dabi specifically bc that fic has been haunting me since i finished it crying my eyes out at 4am this morning god bless <3
georgia - kind of a dabihawks angle bc im a sucker for them but also just in general 'if i fix you will you hate me' dabi NEEDS this hatred of endeavor. he quite literally has nothing else down to his SKIN. he's made his entire life's purpose and quite clearly intends to go out in a blaze of glory WITH his dad. that's it. that's the endgame. kill endeavor. kill himself with him. how fucking sad is that. like it's PATHETIC in the worst way. he's clawing at this fucking revenge plan and pretending it's this grand, badass thing as if it's not just the small hands of touya reaching up from the grave for his father one last time. if i fix you will you hate me, because if someone took this from him, if someone gave him a will to live outside of this fury, if someone fixed him, then all of this would have been for nothing.
maggot - this is a more deranged 'i tried to be good' variation imo like i did everything right i made my bed i walked for hours i took my pills and you love me right? you need me? but what if im just a corpse and you're a maggot feeding? what then? is it still love? is it something more? or is it disgusting? he was only ever wanted for his fire. no one actually cared about touya.
everything i wanted - NO ONE CRIED NOBODY EVEN NOTICED I SAW THEM STANDING RIGHT THERE KINDA THOUGHT THEY MIGHT CARE. THEY FORGOT ABOUT HIM. THEY BURIED HIM. ON PURPOSE THEY BURIED HIM BECAUSE HIS MEMORY AND HOW FUNDAMENTALLY THEY FAILED HIM MADE THEM UNCOMFORTABLE. IT WAS LIKE HE NEVER EVEN EXISTED. YOU DONT EVEN REALISE SHOUTO HAS ANOTHER BROTHER UNTIL NATSUO BRINGS IT UP FIVE FUCKING SEASONS IN.
the family jewels - i dont htink i need to elaborate on this one lmao. obligatory complicated family dynamics anthem
seventeen - like cigarette daydreams i know he wasn't specifically seventeen and im not purposely picking songs that focus on that lmao. i love this song so much like the vocals of 'you don't know fuck about my family, could never tell you what happened the day i turned SEVENTEENNNN' scratches SUCH an itch in my brain im obsessed with it. like there's a mystery to it bc she never elaborates on what actually happened but clearly it's something bad. i really like that side of it like i love the mystery and for so long in the anime dabi is a HUGE mystery like there's no backstory reveal until SEASON SIX that's INSANE for such a main character to not get even a HINT of backstory for so long.
father - I HAVE THIS DREAM THAT I AM HITTING MY DAD WITH A BASEBALL BAT AND HE IS SCREAMING AND CRYING FOR HELP AND MAYBE HALFWAY THROUGH IT HAS MORE TO DO WITH ME KILLING HIM THAN IT EVER DID PROTECTING MYSELF! literally one of the most insane lyrics of any song ever im being deadly serious there is so much to unpack there so much to consider so much packed into one line. it has more to do with me killing him than it ever did protecting myself. WHAT
body terror song - body horror dabi hours! this man is 70% fourth degree burns that are only still attached to his healthy skin by fucking medical staples. i dont even want to consider how much chronic pain he has. every fic that has him having to redo/adjust a staple feeds me bc im so compelled by his character design. how is he not high off his shit every day just to cope. it's heavily implied he doesn't even have TEAR DUCTS anymore so when he cries it's just blood. he loses his fucking personhood to the flames so much that he renames himself cremation because that's what he is now and the anime just... never addresses it. never says if it hurts or not. this ALONE would be my cause for killing endeavor for leaving him in this state let alone the million other layers to it i cannot BELIEVE some people say it's unjustified sorry im not gonna go off on a tangent but ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING
dirty night clowns - i adore this song i couldnt tell you wtf it's about but it makes me feel uncomfortable in my own skin and i thought that was fitting for dabi. i really dont have much else to say like i do think this might just be one of those 'i have a personal interpretation of this song based solely on vibes' and it makes no sense to anyone else LOL
just take my wallet - YOUR MOMMA'S CRYING! YOUR MOMMA'S CRYING FOR YOU! WHAT'S THE SOFTEST WAY TO SAY YOU TOOK AWAY MY FRIEND? i feel like this is another 'touya into dabi' song like rei is crying for her son but touya is dead. there's only dabi now. dabi killed touya to become something that could ruin endeavor, and that's all that matters now
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bastardrobocop · 2 months
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not being funny, not being melodramatic i hope, but i feel like the last year has broken me in a lot of ways. 2023 i mean. i watched a long term relationship disintegrate in my hands until the ultimate betrayal of my trust and safety. i was so stressed and so fucked up all the time.
and now like, i can feel im withdrawing from my friends, im engaging in unhealthy behaviors i will not specify here, despite it all im more lonely than ive ever been, my hobbies are starting to feel like dust in my mouth, and while i'm not actively suicidal, the thought isnt far from my mind in that nasty intrusive thought sort of way.
there are nice things. i have the place to myself. the bed to myself. its quiet. but i feel like ive exhausted the amount of patience people have with me talking about what ive gone through. and as is the nature of things i dont feel as though ive built character or come through hardened. i feel mad. hurt. i want to hurt xer back somehow. take something back because something was taken from me. i feel like i have no recourse. god knows if xe'll hurt someone like xe hurt me again. but thats not even my primary motivation. i just hate feeling like theres nothing. no justice. no satisfaction. nothing that makes being raped a more tolerable experience, which is a silly thing to say. but you understand, right? like, sure i could post somewhere highly visible "In December of 2023 well known SCP Wiki author UraniumEmpire sexually assaulted me" but like what would that accomplish? it sure would put me under a microscope. its a surreal sentence too. hard to explain why. maybe its ultraminor celebrity combined with knowledge that inevitably it can just be denied and nobody will listen.
you know before now i never really noticed how much people fetishize sexual assault? "CNC" and the like. i dont care for it. i dont think they know. its frustrating as an adult online trying to navigate adult spaces. i know its an odd topic, but im fully stream of consciousness right now. i'll see something and it hits me in the gut and so i block the user or close the thing or leave the discord call. yet another addition to the list of things that make my tastes so exacting.
i feel like i should come to some overall point but the only thing coming to mind right now is just 'i hate this'. and i do. i hate this so much. i'm crying a lot more. at stupid things. weird things. memories. dreams. this post. the funny thing is that despite it all, despite the content, despite everything, i hope people read it. i like feeling like i exist. i like feeling real to other people. reminding folks that im not just a joke machine. i have an internal world. i have had a life that's lead me here and despite advantages it has not been good.
did i ever talk about how my high school graduation went? odd digression, bear with me. i feel like its emblematic of how things typically go for me. it's the day i graduate high school. i come downstairs to find my mother on skype with my kansas family. my grandfather is dying. they put him on skype. i watch him die over skype. after sitting alone for some time, i tell my parents i do not want to go through with high school graduation. i am forced to regardless. it is the most miserable day of my life. nobody listens to what i need in the moment. i go through with it, and then we are all shepherded to some kind of entertainment center. for reasons i cannot fathom, we are not allowed to leave for a couple hours. enforced fun time. they bring a stage hypnotist. i sit in silence and watch his antics. i get up and ask one of the people supervising us if i can leave now. they finally say yes. my mother takes me home. she asks if i have a nice time. i say of course i didnt. we drive home in silence.
i have have very rarely felt understood. very rarely felt like i was built to exist in the world. i feel as though i have an expiration date beyond the obvious one. i have grown older and watched people i know operate normally in the world and wondered how they do it. it never clicked for me. autism, transness, otherings. experts looked at me, told me i needed accommodations. never really got them, or they didnt help.
this is getting too long. i asked myself partway through if this was a suicide note but concluded that it wasn't. this is primarily because im scared if i die, they'll separate my cats. adopt them to different homes. they're best friends, they should not be kept apart. i love my cats, even when they're breaking shit and tearing open trash bags.
final paragraph. this whole post thing is probably going to sound embarrassing to me when i have hindsight on it. oh well. i am going to hit the post button now.
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flowerflowerflo · 2 months
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ྀི ୨ embarrassment ୧ ྀི
...is a social construct designed to make us feel bad by those who cant handle their own mistakes & or shortcomings.
seriously. like. it baffles me how people are still living in the mindset where they let embarrassment become anything more for them than a concept.
୨୧ embarrassment
- a feeling of self-consciousness, shame, or awkwardness.
embarrassment is perfectly normal. it happens to everyone because we all make mistakes. but some people let embarrassment and the fear of embarrassment consume them and the choices they make far too much, far too often.
♡ which leads me onto my first point; it is completely normal. everybody makes mistakes. this is our first time in this life and we are all learning & growing with our every choice, every action, every decision <3 remember that the next time youre panicking and freaking out because you made a mistake.
♡ its never that deep. i like to try be gentle w this stuff but lemme tell u straight no one actually cares . im serious,, like babes no one gives a shit honestly 😭😭 and your mentality should be the same. people remember this stuff n laugh for 5 mins and then theyre back to their life. and if they hang on to it for longer then theyre the one who should be embarrassed.. get a life pls??
♡ similar to what i said a moment ago , its. never. that. deep. laugh it off !!!!! giggle !!!!!! laugh about it !!!!!!!! nobody cares !!!!!! this shows that it doesnt faze you and this shows how confident you are within yourself that you dont let silly little mistakes bother you because they do not matter.
♡ when it comes to your interests, please never be embarrassed about these. this is something ive struggled with since i was little but never never never be embarassed of the things that bring you joy. if they arent hurting anyone and are perfectly okay you should never be embarrassed ab that. it makes you happy. why should you be ashamed of that for someone else???🩷
♡ has someone ever said something to you? made u doubt urself? then you get embarrassed ab it???? dont. do not even go there. i ws so insecure before (i know😭😭) and couldnt hold a single opinion for myself but when you know who tf you are you wont be doubting yourself for anyone ml.
♡ so... you wanna pursue your dreams but ur too embarrassed. ur too embarrassed and worried "what if this doesnt work" "what if it doesnt happen" n whatever other dumb shit ur worried abt and scared to outgrow your surroundings and evolve. wow. you know how silly that sounds? so.. like.. let me get this straight... youre telling me... that youre not doing what you love... for the sake of someone else or some silly little doubts????wow. you get one life n youre doing that. GET IT TOGETHER BABES. GET REAL. WHY WOULD U SABOTAGE URSELF LIKE THAT????? YOURE WORTH SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT LIKE 😭😭🩷🩷🩷🩷
♡ understand that peoples perceptions of you are often reflections of themselves just like your perceptions of others are often reflections of yourself. they think its embarrassing because they know for a fact deep down that theyd be too embarrassed and self conscious to do it themselves.
♡ and then watch the way they'll all come crawling back apologising and grovelling the moment you're rich and successful and got everything you ever wanted.. all because you had the confidence to trust in yourself and pursue what you wanted without listening to their self doubts. <3
♡ reverse psychology. "why r u doing that" "thats so cringey" why r u so wrapped up in my business? thats so cringey
♡ overall, confidence, strong self concept & trusting in your ability to bounce back from anything are the three main things that will never let you wallow in this silly little emotion again. embarrassment is like a pitiful, more insignificant, ridiculous version of fear. if ur gonna be scared then b scared of something worth ur time babe ur more than that <33
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cheetahpaw-reg · 3 months
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agere thought piece
tldr/ my gf makes me feel so safe and loved that i start to regress when we hang out, but in a way thats really long winded and poorly phrased
think ive talkd abt this before but im in a more adult headspace so i wanna expand lol
whenever i hang with my gf, i feel small because of how comfortable i am. i was reflecting on why this is, and i think that it's a number of things. firstly, i let my guard down around her. i feel safe. i dont really expect her to hit me or yell at me, so even when i subconsciously avoid certain things i have linked with negative interaction, i think my brain trusts her enough that im not tense. this also leads me to mask less and less around her (making me feel even more comfortable). it's exhausting to mask, and sometimes i fear that i dont have a personality outside of what ive curated for others, and she reassures me by just being there that i might be a real person w a personality isolated from the people around me. so i tend to feel really calm and safe around her, which is already peak slipping conditions. then, on top of that, she's nice to me. for NO REASON.
she plays with my hair (which in and of itself makes me feel small) and holds my hand and hugs me and listens to me when i talk. she remembers things i say about my special interests and hyperfixations, she laughs at my jokes. when i cry she doesnt laugh at me, or tell me to shut up. she doesnt invalidate the emotional abuse ive suffered from my parents. she doesnt laugh at me, or make me feel like im going crazy. she doesnt make me feel insolent or stupid or lazy or like im a terrible person. she lets me win in board games and helps me build lego sets and doesnt get mad at me when i feel overwhelmed.
j think i feel small and start to regress around my gf because even though looking at it logically, my gf is just being like a decent human, its so much more leway than i was ever granted as a child. i dont have to perform for her, i dont need to be perfect for her to stjll love me.
earlier in our relationship i didnt really feel this, because i wasnt comfortable. it was grade 10, we were 15, and i thought that we'd break up when she realized that im not as interesting or fun as she thought i was. but, it was around my birthday last year, when i turned 17, that i think for the first time im my life i felt truely loved by someone. and ever since, i think my mask has been completely removed, and a by-product is my regression. i just feel so taken care of that i start to regress.
and j think back on moments where i was with her and definitely teetering on the smaller side (and acted childish) and she was still so nice. i lost a game we were playing and started to pout, we played again and (im pretty sure) she let me win. i was really tired from school amd started to regress and fall asleep, she said i was cute and let me play with her fjngers. i started talking abt the lego movies and telling her the plots while we put together the lego bonsai and she listened and laughed and helped me put together the harder parts and. i just. idk.
on one hand, i feel kinda sad that someone just being nice to me is enough to make me regress involuntarily, but on the other its nice to know that i trust her because i tend to consciously avoid letting people in.
its also scary though because, were graduating high school in june, and we plan to stay together. like, ideally, forever, and im scared that at a certain point, I'll tell her about my regression, and she'll get weirded out and not know how to act around me, or she'll break up with me. its completely in her right, but i really love her and dont want my regression to potentially ruin what we have (if we stay together, i know alot of high school couples break up first year of uni)
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homophyte · 10 months
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okay im going to be vulnerable and admit though ive owned house of leaves for a few months i was spurred to start reading it the other day after watching that video on myhouse.wad . no one make fun of me. that being said.
im not necessarily going though it super in depth and more just trying to unravel some stuff for funsies with some various help from old forums and what strikes me as sometimes glaringly missing from discussions on the book is the way it relates to women. like the fact that the house itself is treated as though it has a female identity will get talked about but theres not rlly discussions about the ramifications of that--how will and holloways posturing--named as explicitly about 'male dominance'--is essentially a fight over who gets to get the girl. wills early venture into the house is literally likened to karen kissing wax, like theyre BOTH infidelities, and thats not nearly the first time karen herself treats the situation like the house is her romantic rival or at least rival for wills attention (im not far enough in to have too solid a grasp on the implications of the name delial--but lets just say i have a suspicion?).
anyway whats maybe even more interesting than that is the way its kinda ALL about gender--its men who keep entering the house desperate to know what its about, its men driven to write about it and uncover its secret knowledge, and it drives them fucking crazy. like...you can read that--VERY EASILY--as men 'discovering' the ""hidden"" interiority of women, like, the very idea that women are complex people with their own ideas and emotions and inner worlds. the fact that the house has a secret inside is huge fucking news and just about every man in the novel reacts to it as such, but the reactions from women are like...not that. idk im not done with it by any means but the similarity between the conversations between karen & wax at the end ch VII and johnny & thumper at the end of VIII really apparent. when thumper is listening to johnny, seeking to understand him, being really invested and interested and not reacting with annoyance or disdain or boredom like he expects, it genuinely really knocks him out to the point he nearly cries--and then he bottles it up, writes it off, even when she echoes karens exact words flirting with wax he doesnt register it.
the text displays a consciousness around gendered expectations here, particularly bc thumper is a sex worker, that she cant be expected to intellectually engage w it, but she can and does...and then johnny doenst know what to DO about it, how to engage w a real moment of understanding between the sexes or whatever so he very consciously falls back on gender expectations for men and refuses to feel that connection, severing the tie he inadvertently built w her and consigning the moment to unknowable blackness. the void is invented by people determined to treat it as foreign--which often means treating it as hostile (holloways gun, johnnys suspicions when thumper didnt call him back).
that she ends with the comment 'you just need to get out of the house' is like...almost laughably on the nose especially w the way chauvanist culture has proliferated on the internet. like in the book too, dont get me wrong, its just so startlingly accurate to whats going on it seems like she really must UNDERSTAND in a way johnny fails to capture in his narration but still comes through due to her being kinda fucking great--sorry i REALLY like thumper in this actually she may be my favorite. its sort of difficult for me to look at the line and divorce it in my head from the phenomenon of the incel--read a certain way, you have johnny ranting and raving about how he just cant ever figure out what the collective 'woman' is thinking and all this time hes spent driving himself crazy about it, and thumper listening and understanding and very sympathetically and honestly saying 'that wouldnt be a big deal if you interacted w women instead of holing up inside trying to theorize about it.'
i dont necessarily think its a mistake that johnny is the kind of person he is, a partying womanizer or whatever, bc sex becomes his only interaction w women (his failure to talk abt the book w kyrie in favor or fucking her) just as entering the house becomes wills only interaction w it (or at least he rages when he cant have that interaction, he values it above others). the book is pretty clear about both of these acting as forms of penetration. as johnny gets more invested in the text he interacts more and more w the women zampano used as interpreters and comes more and more into contact w women and less and less able to deny their interiority.
the reaction from men that women are people is simple and plain disbelief, followed by disconnected, invasive, rigorous study, study that is likened to war, to surgery, to expedition--anything but understanding. its kind of baffling idk maybe im just not looking in the right place to see people talking about it but this sorta feels like...the point. hell even earlier in ch VII on page 91 you get will and holloway excitedly talking about calling the press about their huge discovery that no one will believe...and then just, karen, living her life, treated like an enigma. i literally have this written in my notes as "men discover women have internality; their wives decline to comment"
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gu3ntzel · 4 months
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baseball violence ask: 4 + 9 + 10 and nhl violence ask: 14 + 16 + 25
baseball:
4. what was the last straw that made you finally block that annoying person?
i dont think ive blocked anyone in baseball community??? baseball's so small on tumblr that its pretty easy to ignore/avoid ppl. i think ive only blocked one person on the nhl side bc they were legitimately insane.
9. worst part of canon
rob manfred that the owner of the cards and our head of BO are completely fucking spineless and wont pay the money for good pitchers and are effectively wasting goldy/nolan. i mean, ffs, you signed two starting pitchers that are both 35+???? ffs. if the money doesnt go to signing yoshinobu yamamoto them im kms
10. worst part of fanon
listening to other cards fans during the season if things arent going our way.
astros fans.
dodgers fans thinking theyre going to get nolan arenado
theres soooo fucking much im so irritated with and 100% of it has to do with other cardinals fans
nhl:
14. that one thing you see in fics all the time
that sid is some?? sad little uwu socially anxious boy?? even when he was young i dont think he was ever like that, like hockey is a highly social sport and he may be an intense hockey freak but hes not sad lil uwu
16. you can't understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc)
literally any ship with tyson barrie. what is your guys' obsession with him
25. common fandom complaint that you're sick of hearing
honestly im sick of ppl talking about ppl like patrick kane and jonathan toews and other shitty players like them, just stop fucking talking about them and theyll fade from the memory of social consciousness like they should
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reverais · 2 years
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-
listen i didn’t know that tumblr had a tag limit and the whole bunch of my stream-of-consciousness-public-journal-entry is missing so im rewriting everything bc, of all the times, this is not one i want to forget
listen my queue is about to end and im about to drop some very emotionally-driven language formulations. the hell is language formulation even. i just dont know how to put any of this into words
tbh i feel like i havent really come to terms with everything
your girl just went through an unfortunately loss and went back to home for it. and philippines has some funeral customs i still cant wrap my mind around. tbh i feel like i haven’t mourned at all here. most grief ive experienced was from the three days it took to plan getting here
and im already anticipating the most grueling “return to normal” when i get back to canada
like i go back to work literally the day after i land (thank god its wfh tho). but i want to wail. i want to be unable to breathe bc i cried it all out. not just the loss. but the missing of home, the missing of family. again.
god i hate it. i always know its going to be like this whenever i leave home. but it just never seems to get easier. like i cried into my eye mask two days ago. we shouldve gotten drunk. thats why i didn’t cry yesterday. i was kinda elated even. i was like i should go home tomorrow (today) bc the night ended so well. not that tonight didn’t end well. but theres just a certain feeling looming. and i just want to cry it all out already. like rip the bandaid. but not here. not in front of everyone. especially not in front of ma. who also seems to be trying to choke things down.
no time ever feels enough but there’s always that thought of i need to make money, things are waiting for me. and tbh my lifestyle and comfort just isn’t for here no more. but anywhere the family is, i’ll go. no matter the mosquito and ant bites.
not to make this anymore complicated but church, man. i already know there’s something waiting for me there. and i don’t want to hear a second of it. i dont even think i can bring myself to be around people i can genuinely be myself with much less the ones who just orders and tells me what to do. that one is hard to explain as is. but ig thats just another bandaid to rip off when i finally have the guts to
“funny” things is that im this close to cursing god. after how i took in technoblades passing, he really thought to send another one my way. thats just cruel now
theyre all talking about me coming back next year december. and december is the known preferred time now bc not only is there more to do but the weather is nicer. more expensive but a more worthwhile trip. plus i have a list of what to bring back now. chocolates obv, the halloween sales ones esp. water bottles seem to be a current trend but still useful even out of trend anyway. ill try to find books for a particular cousin. and maybe speakers bc they love the bluetooth one. oreas and pringles and candies overall which are honestly cheaper here but whatever they want. the kids love toys still - i haven’t seen that kind of exciting in forever and i want to see it again. these kids got me running around and sweating. dont got their stamina and endurance for heat and itchy grass
all in all i think money goes the furthest here (as is anywhere). ill just buy experiences. ig thats movitation to stay in the deadend job for now. and to commit to pursuing something hopefully better for my future.
its late tho, i need to wake up early. good night.
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archived-lehkonen · 2 years
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7, 12, , 13, 32
7. Post a snippet from a wip.
Yet he doesn’t move.  His face is half obscured in shadow, the light playing through the softness of his curls and across the bright blue of his eyes, the curve of his nose exacerbated by the harshness of it all.  The corner of his soft mouth is downturned just the slightest bit.  Artturi presses the pads of his fingers together and looks at the broad planes of his shoulders and tries not to think. 
He thinks about how well Mikko fills out untailored suits anyways, like he’s made for them, like they’ve been sculpted to fit his body exactly.  He thinks about running his hands down the lines of Mikko’s front and all his teeth pulse inside his head at once.
“What were you thinking?” he asks into the open air between them and suddenly there’s no air at all.  Artturi’s heart rattles against his ribs like a drum.
“I wasn’t,” he says quietly.  The pulsing persists.
like ink to bone, coming to you,,,,, not soon at all LMFAO
12. Do you outline your fics?  If yes, how detailed are your outlines?  How far do you stray from them?
i do outline them, and i try to make it as detailed as i can in a really messy way? LOL its like a stream of consciousness that i just let loose whether its onthe computer or into my notebook, whats important about the outlines is taht i nail the feeling of each scene more so than what happens in the scenes. when i stray from them, i tend to stray away from the actions or the dialogue but i'll be happy as long as it still keeps the feeling i was intending !
13. Do you listen to music while you write?  If yes, what have you been listening to recently?
yesssssssss, ive been cycling between two playlilsts atm because im writing a lot of rane/arsi . i made a specific playlist for them that i put on shuffle when i wanna be lighthearted and sweet adn then i listen to max's playlist taht he made for them when i want to write about them being like, irrevocably in love with each other (i am not kidding ,t he lyrics make me go WILD)
32. Do you take fic requests?  Why or why not?
i dont think i would because i write what i want to write and if i take requests, i think i would feel liek it's not up to what the person wanted? no ones ever asked me to write a fic before though . i will , however, take my friends ideas and (with their blessings) write a fic based on the back and forths we have.
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findstenicht · 3 years
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theres two nightingales staying near my house atm and every time i hear them at night its like. hold on hold on now i need a moment. like!! they sound SO pretty!!! its ahhh 💓❤️💕💕❣️💞💝💗💖
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to people with access to high-level education
if you went to/are in college, if you went to/are in university, if you went to/are in any form of high-level educational institution, including taking college/uni courses:
you have an incredible privilege. you are likely unaware of the ways your high-level education has impacted the ways you think about yourself, others, concepts, and opinions. you are likely unaware of how you come off to people less ‘educated’ than you. you likely think that education and ‘educational’ institutions can never be separated. you likely abuse this privilege on a daily basis, and aren’t aware of it; and you likely don’t care to listen when called out. every person i have ever met - except one person who has been doing and is doing a shit ton of work so as to not abuse their privilege - who has had any form of high-level education abuses the privilege the have in having access to high-level education. every person i have ever met who’s had any form of access to high-level education is obnoxious about their opinions, uses inaccessible language, makes their opinions inaccessible and incomprehensible to anyone and everyone without the same level of knowledge about that subject, does not listen when anyone without that same level of knowledge on that subject presents even a slightly opposing opinion, perspective, or experience, AND cannot hear it when anyone - but especially less ‘educated’ people - try to call them out on their behaviour and how privileged, stagnant, reductive, ableist, and colonial their behaviour has been. 
i have called out many people who’ve had access to high-level education on how their behaviour while ‘engaging’ with me as a ‘less-educated’ person (i dropped out of high school when i was 16, i have a grade 9 education and i will likely never return to any form of formal education) was/is demeaning, ableist, reductive, condescending and/or just Awful - i am usually met with insults, yelling, being called a retard (i am Autistic so that one has particularly stung), being told im wrong and i have no place to even discuss x unless ive gotten a bachelors in that subject (which i am literally unable to do for a variety of reasons) - usually the subject is film which ive been studying for quite a while and, in the majority of these discussions, am more knowledgeable than the other person is about actual film crap (idk everything tho and am always quick to say that) - and being ‘one-upped’ with inaccessible language and irrefutable arguments that are only irrefutable because i dont have access to the studies, textbooks, lectures, language, history, discussions, etc that they do. 
if you have/have had access to any form of high-level education:
you are privileged. it is your job, especially if you were recently in uni/college of any sort or are currently in uni/college of any sort, to use the access that you have for good. find ways to make your knowledge accessible to cognitively impaired people, people who are HoH or d/Deaf, poor people, PoCs who have faced violence through education systems, neurodivergent people (autistics, adhders, people with tourette’s, i could go on) who understand the world in ways that theyre made to feel bad or ‘less’ about or that there’s usually no space for them to learn in formal education systems, people who had to drop out of school, people who dont speak english or are learning it as a second language, pretty much EVERYONE who has any interest in whatever youve studied/are studying - your job as someone in uni or college is to do what you can to make your access accessible to the people who the state has deemed unworthy of it for whatever reason. it is your job to bring into your mind and your life and the way you engage with knowledge the Fact that knowledge ≠ bachelors degrees, phds, mds, textbooks, lectures, academia, etc; that there are many different forms of knowledge and each and every one of them is valid, beautiful, important, and worthy of attention. it is your job to listen to people like me, people who do not/will not have that access when we tell you you’re being condescending, or patronizing, or whatever, due to your access and then work to be better. because you can. you can be better. you can do better. you have power. you dont just have privilege, in your access, but you have Power. in pretty much every situation, if both you and i are in a group discussion, the other people in that discussion are pretty much guaranteed to listen to you vs me about anything and everything - given that they know you were/are in higher education and i didnt graduate secondary school - they’re gonna listen to more of what you say and brush me off. it’s likely they wont even be doing this consciously, that its just how theyve become wired to engage with that situation, but they will be doing it. it is your job to make space for the opinions, ideas, experiences, and knowledge of people who dont have access to your ‘education’, because its very likely that nobody else is. but when you, someone who’s had access to a bachelors degree program, or took a few college courses in clinical psychology, or whatever, when you say ‘wait, listen to them, they have knowledge too and its not more important than mine’ people are gonna fucking listen. 
be better. im tired of being brushed off. my knowledge is just as important, valid, and useful as someone with four phds and an md, or whatever the fuck.
be better.
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coyotevallie · 2 years
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Actually wait no come back and talk about nureyev I love him so much and I might expire if you don’t. What are your thoughts about the new ep with his backstory. Any thoughts on where it might go. Any THEORIES about him. Any thoughts about his motivations!! Any other thoughts you want to share about him!!! Please I’m withering away no one ever posts in the tpp tag anymore I need to be FED
OKAY SEE RIGHT . i am not fully caught up i have to be honest with you ive only heard secondhand things im still on season three i just make jokes about him betraying the crew because i think its funny keep in mind for all of these im only Just starting tools of rust if any of this is contradicted or confirmed later lmk that im being stupid ..... BUT !!!!! one theory i have about him is that like . so i think its pretty well understood that the reason nureyev's relationship to buddy is SO much more strained than everyone else is because she reminds him of mag right. the symbolism there is pretty heavy-handed she calls him by the nickname that we've only heard mag call him at that point in the narrative (and then immediately afterwards tells juno not to call him that because only people who are trying to parent him do), he talks about how he hasn't felt like someone has pledged to keep him safe the way buddy has since mag, buddy and mag hold many parallels especially in their relationship to nureyev (mentor-like thief who nureyev looks up to who has inserted themself into his life as a parental figure who gives some form of tough love) blah blah blah i dont need to go into that much depth into this because man in glass makes it pretty clear . but another reason i think he detaches himself from buddy and (as the wiki puts it) is "the problem child" is because he doesnt want to be the favorite child again. which is not to say that nureyev doesn't want to be the best - because he does! he very much does, nureyev has an ego throughout his arc that, while to some degree a front, is still very much present. he sees himself as so good at what he does that he doesn't need to have any support anymore despite consciously knowing that a team can be useful, he puts a lot of effort into presenting himself in a flawless manner and he does truly believe that this is achievable. while it may not come naturally, if he plans everything out to the letter, he is just that good that it'll go to plan. he does see himself as incredibly good (or at least trying to be), and to a degree he does want these achievements to be recognized - but being the best is not the same as being someones favorite. to be a favorite you have to be their favorite, to be something tangible and possessed, and nureyev loathes that - like he says in season one, he is the person who disappears, not vice versa. he constantly cycles through personas, not even using the same concept twice let alone the same name despite newlyweds being incredibly common, and nobody can get attached to him. if he is someones's favorite, he is someone's, and that gives them an in to that layer of vulnerability he hasn't granted since mag. plus i think some lines from the new ep lean into this but idk i havent listened lol maybe this is all disproven . but anyway thats my rhoughts on him hehe he lives in my brain i an ALWAYS happy to talk about him . AND A THOUGHT I HAVE TO SHARE ON HIM !!!!!! is that i thibk the way he names his aliases is cute and silly . "duke rose" "rex glass" theyre such dramatic names . he ssi silly
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haruno-sakura-san · 2 years
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Can't remember if I posted this before, but I was reading through my notes on my phone and found it. Either way, enjoy this playful one shot with Sakura and a mystery man!
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"Rough day?" A man who slid into the seat next to Sakura at the bar asked. "None of your business." She snubbed him. "It's been a while since ive seen a leaf nin drink like that," he observed unprompted. She mentally noted that she wasn't wearing her heite. He was either assuming from her gear or he recognized her. "I'm off duty." "I would hope so." Her gaze cut back over to him. A hood and tinted glasses obscured any identify features, but even so he looked incredibly mundane. In her line of work, that was also incredibly dangerous. "Listen, you seem like a nice guy-" "That assumptions a bit premature." "But I'm not here to meet anyone so if you don't mind-" "Actually I do." She glared at him for a long moment, not wanting to be interrupted again. "See, I'm waiting for someone myself." He offered finally. "You don't say" her tone thick with disinterest. "But I'm beginning to think I've been stood up." He sounded more amused than put out. She wondered if it was some kind of pickup strategy to get her to feel bad. "I can't imagine why." She said in the same flat tone. "My thoughts exactly."
Sakura made a sharp sound of disapproval. "My deepest sympathies. I don't see how this has anything to do with me." "Well, it really doesnt, on the surface. But you see, here I was feeling sorry for myself when I see you stomping in here, looking like you've just dragged yourself through a pigsty-" "It was a river bed." "Oh thank you- a river bed. Possibly the sorriest sight I've seen all day - not that I would normally say such a thing to a lady. I'm sure you look at least pleasant under normal circumstances." "Does this story have a point?" Feeling her anger swell at his commentary. "Of course, I just thought it might be nice to commiserate together - one passing stranger to another." She hates the cocky way he inclines his head, gesturing between them with his glass. "No, thanks." "Oh come on - why else come to a bar?" "For a drink - unbothered." "If that were the case, then I'd think the liquor store down the street would have done the job." "And what, have a few drinks at the store front? They have laws against that, you know." "You dont have a hotel room to drink in?" "Of course not" "Interesting." He purred. She realized she said too much. "So your plan was to get tipsy and then travel back to konoha or wherever your headed, seemingly alone, in the middle of the night." "I don't have to explain myself to you." "No, I think I've got a good handle on the situation without any explanation. Where are your teammates anyway? Isn't there someone around to keep you from making dangerous decisions like this. A captain maybe or a boyfriend?" Sakura slams her glass down against the wood of the bar. "For your information, I can more than take care of myself. I have an extremely high alcohol tolerance. And I've had too long a day for a pretty boy like you to be picking at me when all I want to do is have a drink in the peaceful Haven that is my own mind. So shut your trap. Am I clear?" "No, I have several questions." She snarls and begins to crack her nuckles in preparation to put this idiot though a wall when the bar tender yells, "No fighting in my bar! Take it outside if you want to act like animals." She settles back into her seat. "Sorry, sir. No need for that. This poser isn't worth the energy," she grumbles under her breath. "Lets backtrack to pretty boy. That had a nicer ring to it." Clenching her jaw, she takes a deep breath, exhales and takes a long drag on her drink. "So are you going to tell me the river bed story, Pocahontas?" "If I do, will you leave me alone?" "It certainly won't hurt your chances" She huffs. "Fine. I got caught in a fishing net." There was a beat of silence. "And?" She gave him a long-suffering look. "And was dragged behind a fishing boat." His eyebrows rose. "And how did that happen?" "I was pushing the boat. It was beached on a shallow part of the river." "Pushing it?" "Yeah." "Remind me to tip that bartender for not letting you deck me into next week." She smirked into her drink. Damn straight. "So when the boat broke free these fishermen did what? Cast their nets right done on top of you?" "Yup. I had to cut myself free and everything." "No good deed goes unpunished I guess." "Technically it wasn't a good deed, they were paying me to help." "That's even worse. And no one noticed you were missing onboard?" "Well, they wouldn't let me on the boat in the first place -" "Why not?" "It's bad luck." "Bad luck?" "To have a woman on board." "Wait a moment. So before the ship got stuck in the first place, while it was sailing, where were you? Nearby on the shore?" "No. I was running alongside them in the water." He laughed outright. "Running alongside them. That's too good. They didn't even give you rowboat." Her face flushed. She hadn't thought to ask for a row boat. "They were absolute assholes. Usually I can take quite a bit of crap from a client, but when he told me to pay for the net." "Pay for the net!" "And the lost profits for the day" "Ha!" "I told him just where he could shove his
lost profits and came to the nearest bar. I feel a little less sorry for myself now. Glad I could help. Now leave me be." "You don't want to hear my story?" "Not part of the deal. Now scram." He pouted, cheek resting on his hand. "But we were getting along so well." "You have a very twisted sense of relationships if you think that was getting along well." "I cannot argue with that." She didn't know if it was the alcohol or the bickering, but she was finally feeling a little unwound. Studying his profile for a moment, she thought it must definitely be the alcohol. "If you're going to stare, i might as well tell you my story." Definitely the alcohol. "I wasn't staring." She huffed, turning sharply away "Would admiring be more accurate?" "Do you ever shut up?" "For the majority of the time yes I do. It's quite liberating to go on and on like this. Strangers make some of the best conversation. You don't have to hold back because they will never see you again, probably not even remember speaking." She hated that he was right. She also hated that she couldn't see his eyes, instead watching his lips move. Kami must hate her because he had rather nice lips. "You're admiring again." They said. "Staring," she corrected. "Staring then." He said in a low voice, leaning in slightly. "Tell me your story." She said, trying to break the moment by divert this exchange to something hopefully safer for her psychy. Those damn lips curlled up in a feline grin. "Of course, my little mud pie." "Don't push it." She snapped, "You were meeting someone." "Yes, I've been seeing them for some time now. We are both wonderers so we meet about once a month. " "How long is some time now?" "Hmm, about ten years maybe." "And you guys haven't made it official yet?" "Well, it's complicated. They are a little old for me, and I'm not sure what society would think." She got the feeling he was making fun of her, but didn't get the joke. "They've never once been late or missed a meeting. I'm a little worried you see." For the first time since meeting the guy, Sakura felt a little bad for him. "Plus theyve got hands and eyes that wander a bit too much for my liking." "Sounds like they finally got bored and left." She commented. "Well. Even so, the meetings were as much about business as pleasure." "And just what kind of business are you in exactly?" "I'd say we were in the same field." She scoffs, looking him up and down again, not able to make out anything helpful from his form from under his travelling cloak to back up his claim about being a Shinobi. It was convenient line for civilian men who hit on kunoichi, so she rolled her eyes. "Sure you are." "Don't believe me?" "I believe you'd say just about anything to get on my good side."
"Hmm," his lips curled in that feline way, "And I thought leaf nin we're very skilled at seeing underneath the underneath." She froze, recognizing her sensei's phrase. "Who exactly did you say you were meeting again?" "I didn't." She slowly turned toward him, hand sliding to her thigh pouch under the bar, but it was too late. Here eyes were locked on his red, glowing gaze, pin wheels spinning. She felt her consciousness being torn from her body and into the inky black of his sharingan.
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Quite sure this was supposed to be Itachi but it's quite OOC for him. So I'll leave it to you reader to fill in who it is. I guess I like Shisui for it myself but don't limit yourself haha.
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