#i dont think its him. it isnt him my levels of suspicions are higher for someone else............>_> hm.

[heavyskysystem]

My trauma is so deeply alligned w/ people having seen me as someone to obsess over, its not even funny.

And wow I was not worth their obsession, their attention, not their focus on me. Not in the slightest. But I did not deserve the hurt it caused either.

I feel so out of synch with these experiences. Its not just a one time experience, it happened multiple times. Sometimes it still feels like the only thing that can make me feel alive is someone being infatuated with me or obsessing over me like crazy. The last time it happened I went with it for a while, then when he grew to obsessed for my taste smth else set in and I just completely cut ties to him.

I feel selfish for that, see I encouraged his obsession, went with it, enjoyed it. When it got to much for it I said its for the best for both of us, including him, if we cut ties, since this is out of control on his part. I dont deserve people valuing me that highly, I cant even life up to my own standars of who id like to be, of what id like to be achieving. Its also incredibly unhealthy for them to resolve their lifes around me and to make me their "world". Used to cling to me like im a lifeline.

Its weird to have experienced this as kind of a numeral thing, someone once uttered the suspicion that I must be manipulating people into developing these obsessions, but this isnt true. Atleast two of the people I had these experiences with developed it before they even spoke to me. It was at random. But it may be due to trauma that I allowed these people close to me after knowing that fact. I think obsession is such a double-edged sword, it makes you feel thrilled, alive, being someones addiction feels very flattering in a sense, but it very quickly can dissolve into them being so afraid of losing you they might paradoxically harm you or people around you cause "they are taking you from me" etc etc. The games they play to make sure your attention stays on them, the people they might see as rivals and slowly slowly get out of your life and you dont even know what happened cuz big manipulation on their side went down. They see someone make you happy and cheer you up and they arent happy for you someone was there for you, they go "Why couldnt I be the one that made you happy like that?"

Their tendency to offer themselves up for you, to sacrifice for you, to not respect their boundaries, and if you point it out to them cuz you dont want to take advantage of them they only put you higher on the pedastal you do not deserve to be on.

They might bend over backwards to position themselves at your feet, and pose submissively for you because they dont want to domineer you cuz they know it would break your interest in them, but they may not understand equal relationship and therefore their mind goes from wanting to be in control, to instead resigning it and being the submissive one instead.

You may at times be their only hope in life, be their obsession, or be reduced to an object that others try to take from them depending on how jealous they get. They may do grand gestures for you, spend most of their money on you bcz of their lack of boundaries, give everything they have to you, sacrifice. But at the other hand, they feel threatened abt losing you, youre an object they need to obtain back.

They might feel beneath you, see you as superior, at the same time they may feel being close to you, having your love elevates them to the level of a god, just having your love makes them feel that way. Theyd do anything to keep it and anything that threatens it results in possible violence or actual crimes comitted on the behalf of keeping things as they were, and you in place.

You might think its cute when he says "I think you belong to me" but you dont know how literal he actually means it until its far to late.

You might feel a heavy sense of responsibility over her life, cause you know if you stepped away shed fall apart.

They might take a lot of damage for you to protect you, put you first in most situations. The sacrifical aspect of obsession being so utterly real.

You have someone you can trust with even your weakest parts and aspects, and you know theyll accept you cuz they are obsessed with you. They are just happy you chose to tell them. You feel so safe with them, because you know they are always on your side. But youre wrong, youre not safe. Not at all.

Then again my experiences arent extensive not everyones obsessiveness has to blow that much of proportion or involve people or you getting hurt. Not even everyone that obsessed over me seriously harmed me or people around me, but it has def happened.

And as always I stay behind and wonder, how was I worth that level of intensity or the fuss made about me? Why does your stability depend on being the one to help me yourself? What is it to you? I am not worth that level of reactivity, maybe I dont even want to be worth it. I just like the idea of normal love, of normal intimacy. Of true heartfelt connection. Of something that doesnt escalate into thrilling intensity. But something that is stable and trustworthy, even. I experienced that sort of love too. Def. see it as better than the obsession I experienced.

But the obsessiveness experienced def have left their mark on me. But I know, im recovered enough to always reject it again should it ever occur again.

#vent #super long vent ill probably delete later