#i dont have energy to write the third chapter of the mistake series bc i want it to be special for me | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

nicotinemaiden · 3 years

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Victory

[Infinite Songs for her Smile - Ch.18]

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And I walked down the stairs Meeting the eyes Of a woman who is not for me But she's calm and she's sweet And she's struck and imposing Her name is pronounced Victory And her wings have been tied on with ribbons And the torch that she carries is dark But she sheds her disguise when she follows my eyes

[The Silent Comedy]

The noise. The voices. They were almost unbearable, piercing through his skull like an arrow, numbing his vision. His whole body ached, all of his senses were dull, as if something blocked them. He sighed allowing his head to rest on the wall behind him and wondering, exactly, what was he doing here. He promised her he would not run, he would not disappear. Not from her. But every second surrounded by happy people celebrating one of the worst days of his life he was more and more tempted to break that promise.

The hall was decorated in white and blue for some reason, colors that were so far away from the ones he thought of when he thought of her that it scared him. The lights were bright, bleached of color, as if they wanted to make sure it didn’t interfere with the ones that were already there. On the tables, little candles cast small lights on the food - a really bad decision if you asked him, but nobody did.

Everything about this place made him want to close his eyes and only open them when this was over. All of this.

This party was planned months ago, long before Zen started bringing Shirayuki to planned balls as his official partner. A day after he started mourning a love that should have never been alive in the first place. Everything changed that day. Surprising even himself he was… happy for them. He just struggled to simply watch this situation from the sidelines.

That night he was ready. He just knocked on her door to say goodbye. He knew he wouldn’t forgive himself if he left without saying anything. But she opened the door and looked at him, really looked at him, at his eyes, at the way his jaw and shoulder tensed, and somehow she knew. And he looked at her, at her eyes - red and puffy - and at her sad smile, and somehow he also knew.

They spoke at the same time, locking eyes without any kind of shame.

“Please, don’t go.” She said, a gasp escaping her lips at the desperate sound of her own voice.

“I’m here for you. I’ll always be.” He said, breaking his own heart a little more in the process with a promise he needed to keep but wasn’t sure he could.

From that night until today he kept his promise, never wanting to ask what she was crying over. Obi dared a glance in her direction, the throne a huge contrast with the warmth of her smile. He couldn’t help but think she didn’t belong here, surrounded by marble and people. She belonged in the forest, surrounded by plants and birds. But he never allowed himself to tell her so, not even when the shadows in her eyes started to creep under her smile. Not even when she talked about her fear of never working at the pharmacy again after her marriage. He trusted his master to come with a plan to have the princess working alongside the commoners because that’s what she wanted. But Zen never talked about it and her fear soon consumed him too.

Soon he wouldn’t be needed and, even if he wanted, he couldn’t keep his promise. Yes, a part of him knew Zen would never send him away. He wasn’t just his master, he was also his friend. But everyone would go on with their life. Could he really watch them have and raise their kids? Could he really just watch them be happy and not think about how the only woman she loved was the one that was so out of his reach everything inside of him ached?

He ran his hands down his hair, lost in thought. He needed air and he needed it now. He crossed the small walk to reach the garden door and was greeted by a fresh almost-spring current. Once outside he breathed deeply and walked a bit to stand between the flowers. From here he couldn’t watch the hall and the people inside couldn’t watch him. That thought alone was more freeing than the act of coming outside had been.

He always knew this day would come. Not the engagement party, more like the day he had to convince himself that this stupid infatuation was something that no one needed. Not his master, not the little miss and, less of all, not him. But the only way he could try to put all of this in the past was by leaving, and that… that wasn’t happening any time soon. Not after he heard her almost pleading him.

He heard something behind him and turned just in time to reach a falling Shirayuki that, for the look of it, just stomped on her dress. She wasn’t even near the floor but he asked anyway, knowing exactly what he was asking. This was her party. Their party. And she just found her way outside, to him, as it happened in almost every party since the first one.

“Miss, are you okay?”

She looked shocked for a moment and then she stood straighter, her arm lingering on his hand more than necessary.

“Yes, I’m just not so graceful.”

Obi chuckled without thinking. Dropping the subject for the moment, he added.

“Yeah, I know.”

She glanced at him with an expression that said ‘oh, really?’ and chuckled herself.

“You know, that's the part when the other person usually says ‘No, don’t worry, it was just a slip’”

Now it was his turn to look at her with an arching brow and a questioning look.

“I don’t lie. You just had too much time with nobles and royalty, Miss.”

Her smile turned sweet as she moved to one of the trees of the garden, him on her toes.

“I love that about you. The way you make everything so simple. No facades, no masks, no pretenses or false friendship. I miss that.”

Standing in front of her like this made him forget that, besides the times they actively sought each other, they’d been apart most of the time lately. Between preparations, etiquette and protocol classes and all the things that seemed required to become a princess, she was busy most of the time. And of course, he wasn’t exactly welcome on most of them. Not like she needed a guard inside the castle.

“I miss you too.”

She smiled and her eyes sparkled. Without a warning she sat down, not without tugging him with her on the way. She made him sit at her side and rested her head on his shoulder.

“There, that’s better.”

No, it was so much worse he thought he would start trembling. He crossed his arms on his chest just in case and leaned on the tree behind them.

“I wish I could sneak to your room and... talk. I… I’m so scared.”

She sighed and he noticed not only her words but her tone. She wasn’t just scared of the unknown. There was a sadness in her voice, a longing that tore his heart apart.

Deciding that even if his arm trembled it was worth it he unhooked it from his chest and moved it to Shirayuki’s shoulders, bringing her closer. The instant it was done she hid her face between his chest and his neck. This was not the first time they’d had this conversation and he was sure it wouldn’t be the last. Maybe this time he should really say something. Not about him. About her.

He tugged a strand of her hair behind her ear, following the lines of the intricate hairstyle they put on her tonight. The braids formed a bun at the end and it was truly a mystery how these ones got out. Probably because she kept touching it, trying to calm her nerves. Usually, she wore the ribbon he and Ryuu had gotten her some time ago but there was no place for it on her hair right now. So she wore it on her wrist as if it were a bracelet. He couldn’t help but smile. The dark green ribbon stood out with the violet of her dress but that didn’t stop her. She once told him that it was the only thing that seemed real in a world made of plastic, the only thing that kept her grounded.

“How can something that’s supposed to feel right feel so wrong?”

He inhaled sharply. It made him sick watching her like this. And definitely, it shouldn’t feel wrong for her. He was tired of these kinds of conversations. He was tired of the shadows on her eyes, of the strain in her voice.

“You don’t belong there. And I don’t mean that in a bad way. Those people, they… they are stripping you of your freedom, of your braveness, of your wilderness. Nobody should have allowed this to happen.”

She moved just enough to look at him from her position, a small smile dangling on her lips.

“This as in suddenly having to become what they expect a princess to be or this as in my engagement to Zen?”

Her smile turned playful and he looked at her eyes, realizing how close they were. He could feel her breath in his lips, warm and sweet. He could almost taste strawberries. He bit his lip without thinking and watched her turn a shade closer to her hair. He was so tempted to just say ‘Both’ and not explain anything more that it almost escaped.

“You know what I mean. Your engagement to master is your decision, not something anyone could forbid. Not after what the both of you endured.”

He could swear he saw a flash of disappointment on her, but it passed so quickly it was hard to know for sure. But then she made a confession that sucked the air from his lungs.

“I don’t know Obi. I don’t know if I can. I already feel like a doll whose only purpose is to decorate the room. And I thought I could do it… for Zen. That I loved him enough to do it.”

The weight that her words carried made him hug her a little closer if possible. He just needed to feel her while she talked.

“I… I don’t. I care about him. A lot. But it's not the same. I can’t believe I’m saying this out loud after all this time but I regret it. I regret saying that yes more than anything in this world.”

A loud silence fell between them. It was so heavy it made it hard to breathe. He knew he should say something but, really, what could he say? A hopeful question formed on his throat.

“Can’t you say no?”

She searched his eyes for something and, even with his defenses as high as they could be at that moment he felt naked in front of her. As if she would realize exactly how he was looking at her, how pleading his words really were. And her… that look in her eyes. He may be going crazy. His lips moved before he could control them but he had enough control to look away.

“I could always snitch you from here. Make a house in the woods, surrounded by flowers, maybe some crops. With a little village outside the forest, maybe a beach? Do you prefer the mountain?”

He expected her to be laughing, to alleviate some of the stiffness of her expression. Instead, she was looking at him eyes wide, a little spark on them, hope and something more. He hated himself for looking at her again because they were even closer than before. Her confused look asked without words if he was serious.

“I may joke around Miss, but if you asked me I would do everything I just told you.”

And that felt like giving her another piece of her soul, of her heart. But what was there to lose when she already claimed all of it. She just didn’t know it. And at that point he didn’t care if she could read behind his words, he was just too tired of this situation.

For a moment she looked so stiff and still that she reminded him of a statue. He wondered if he should check whether she was still breathing when she blinked, looking down.

“I wish I could ask something like that of you.”

She said it so quietly he might as well have imagined it. But he heard it the same way he could hear his heart crying for her.

His hand moved slowly, his finger lifting her chin so he could look her in the eyes. Those wonderful green eyes that glowed the moment they collided with his, as if his own golden ones were illuminating them. How could something so completely beautiful be real was one question he kept asking himself day after day.

“You could ask of me the most selfish, stupid or dangerous thing you could think of and I would do it if it means I’ll get to see you smile.”

And she knew it. She knew it and she smiled, granting a small prize to those difficult words. His fingers lingered on her chin, his gaze dropping near them, to the fully rosy lips that were no longer curved upwards but half-open, waiting. His thumb moved to them, to the lower one, caressing it for a moment before allowing his eyes to flicker to hers just in time to see the way she was looking at him. And he felt scared because of the immense recognition, because that was the way he looked at her when she wasn’t looking, because he wasn’t so naive as to think the position they were in was something casual that usually happened to friends and, most of all, because she wanted exactly the same as him. And he was closer after that. So much so their lips touched for a second before a blinding light interrupted them, making them jump apart from each other.

The quiet flutter of wings and the soft light moved away, following a trail of other lights, other small fireflies flying gracefully towards the forest. Once they were far away again he let himself breathe, smiling when her head fell on his shoulder again. They found themselves in these kinds of situations more often than not and, like every time, he could slice the tension between them with one of his knives. And, like every time, he was grateful for the interruption because, if he really were to kiss her here and now he couldn’t go back. So he kissed the top of her head with as much care as he could muster and, like every other time, he let her go.

She stood slowly, leaving him pained by her absence, and fixed her hair and dress enough to go back in. He followed, stretching his back and arms as best as he could. She smiled brightly at him, full of energy and happiness, such a high contrast with the Shirayuki that followed him into the garden not so long ago. Something in her eyes was full of gratitude and he couldn’t exactly place what he did to deserve it but he returned her smile with one of his own.

“I should go, but…”

Her hand moved to his, their fingers interlacing, her thumb moving in slow circles at the top of his hand. He searched her eyes but found them looking at the grass below their feet.

“I would want a log cabin on the mountains, near a lake with lots of flowers and fireflies.”

She was redder by the word and it would have been extremely cute if it weren’t for the fact that he could feel on his face that he was too. And the grip of her hand was tightening as if he would run from her when he listened to what she had to say. So he squeezed back, making her look at him and blurt out what she was really thinking.

“And with you.”

There was a stunned silence from both parts from what felt like an eternity. She lifted her other hand to her lips, astounded that those words really left her lips. He stared at her the same way, eyes wide, a thin line on his lips. He wanted to ask if she was just joking but, by her looks, he could clearly see that it was true. And that not even her knew how deep that truth was.

So he untangled his fingers from hers, feeling awful at the look of disappointment on those green orbs that chased his dreams, and surrounded her body with his arms, bringing his nose to her hair, hiding his face. If he continued to look at her another second he would have started crying, he was sure of it. And she answered immediately, one arm surrounding him and the other playing with his hair in a motion that made him want to know how those same fingers in that same spot would feel in other kinds of situations. Obi enjoyed the feeling for a minute, letting himself get lost in her touch, and then lifted his head to look at her.

“Now I don’t want to let you go.”

She chuckled at his words, her hand still entangled on his hair, making small and hypnotic circular movements.

“Just for a little bit?”

His arms loosened until only the hand at his waist remained, its shape moulded to her body.

“And then what?”

He had to know. He needed to know what happened now with all the things said and all the things that remained to be.

“And then… We could talk about the furniture.”

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